A Chorus of Disapproval (1989) - full transcript

[soft music plays]

Thank you.

Ticket.

Guy?

Guy Jones

Yes.

I'm Hilda.

Hilda Shaw.

Hilda, of course.

How nice to see you.

On your holidays are you?



No, I'm coming to live here.

My firm transferred
me after, um--

I'm sorry, was sad.

Yes.

I heard about
it from our Kevin.

Oh yes.

I'm meeting my friend, Dylis.

Dylis, Dylis Ketchridge.

Yes, Ms. Shaw.

Hello, Dylis.

Nice to see you.

Let me take this for you.

We'll put it on the trolley.

Right.



[cheery music plays]

Taxi?

Tax, Tax, Taxi?

Excuse me.

I'm looking for New Steps.

New Steps, just there.

Oh.
OK.

Thank you.
OK.

I'm home.

[doorbell]

Mr. Jones.

Great.

Thank you, Mrs. Bawden.

I expect there's a nice view.

Oh yes.

Thank you so much.

[soft music plays]

PEDESTRIAN: Morning.

Morning.

Go in with the staff.

Ms. Powers, I want you to meet
Mr. Jones our new colleague.

I'm the new guy.

Hi darling!

Meet people.

Have fun.

The Beggar's Opera.

OPERATOR: Scott-
Bla- 3-7-8-1-7-0

Oh, hello.

My name's Guy Jones.

I was calling about
your advertisement.

[dog barks]

Are you looking for somebody?

Yes.

Mr. Jones.

- We haven't any Mr. Jones here.
- No, no, no.

I'm, I'm Mr. Jones.

I- I- I- I'm looking
for Mr. Llewellyn.

Mr. Mr. Uh, Mr. D. Ap.

Llewellyn.

Is he expecting you?

Well, yes, yes.

Wait there then.

Dafydd, there's
someone to see you.

[sings] Fa, la.

Oh my dear, chap.

I'm so sorry!

I'm deeply sorry.

I knew you were coming.

I wrote down you were coming.

Well, just slipped my mind, see.

Dafydd Ap Llewellyn.

Good of you to come along, boy.

Oh, we're just on our first
stages of rehearsal, see?

Broken for tea for 10 minutes.

Mr. Ames!

Have you brought something
along to sing about?

Well, I, I did--

Otherwise we've got
plenty of bits and pieces

here lying around.

And of course, Mr. Ames, he's in
set too key then choose a key,

choose a tune, choose
a tempo, anything.

What the bloody elegy.

Mr. Ames!

Ah!

There you are.

Mr. Ames, this is Mr.--

Jones.

Not Welsh, are you?

Oh, no, no.

From Leeds.

Leeds?

Originally from Leeds.

Rich, this is our Mr. Ames.

Mr. Ames, Mr. Jones is
going to sing for us.

Give us an idea of his
range and intonation.

Which is a polite way of
saying, can he sing in tune?

If not, welcome to the clown.

Ha, ha.

Right, shall we ask
Mr. Ames to rifle

through his golden
treasure chest of memories.

No, I, I, I, I
brought something.

Just a second.

What of King
and I, fancy that?

No, no, no, no, please.

West Side Story?

Oklahoma?

How about the Merry Widow, then?

Then that's a good one.

[sings] La dee La dee La da.

Here we are.

No, I found it.

Shouldn't have splashed
out like that one.

Not just for an audition.

[laughs] Here we are, Mr. Ames.

Second act of Tannhauser
by the look of it.

[laughs] Don't
mind us Mr. Jones,

you'll get used to it, possibly.

What have we got here?

Do you still claim
you're not Welsh?

Do you see that, Mr. Ames?

All Through The Night.

Ar Hyd y Nos.

[hums]

It's the only song I--

Well, my mother used
to sing it to me.

Ah, your mother's Welsh then?

No.

Bring her down anyway.

Bring her down next
time with you boy.

She's dead.

Oh, well.

Too late, then.

Sad.

Can you play that,
you think, Mr. Ames?

Yes, my mother
used to sing it.

[plays piano]

We're starting again?

Dafydd's auditioning
a new recruit.

I don't know where he find them.

I really don't.

--million dollar
question, Mr. Jones.

Are you going to sing this
in Welsh or in English?

In English if
that's all right.

[yells musically]
It's like Pomp

and Circumstance in Japanese!

Huh!

If you must.

Take it away, Mr. Ames.

[piano plays]

[sings in welsh]
Holl amrantau'r ser

ddywedant Ar hyd y nos.

Oh, I'm sorry, Mr. Jones.

I'm sorry.

I steal, you made
your part, Mr. Jones.

I said, every time I hear that.

Sorry on us!

Take it away, boy!

[piano plays]

[sings] While the
moon her watch is

keeping all through the night.

Mr. Jones.

Sorry to interrupt you, just
as you were getting underway.

That was lovely, very pleasant.

A little tick.

Try you facing out this
way a bit more now.

Right.

Now.

I want you to place your weight
equally on both your feet.

Legs slightly apart.

That's it.

Now, can you feel yourself?

Balance.

Yes.

Right.

Now, I want you for a moment
to breathe, if you would.

In through the nose.

And out through the mouth.

No need to hyperventilate.

Breathe normally.

Now can you feel all that
air blowing the cob webs

from your passages?

[coughs] Yes.

Now you look like a
real singer Mr. Jones.

From the top, please, Mr. Ames.

[piano plays]

While the--

Let it flow out
of you, Mr. Jones.

It's a song that sings itself.

You see?

Like a river.

[sings] Holl
amrantau'r, you see?

- Yes, yes.
- All right.

Sing then.
Go ahead.

While the moon is--

Good, good.

--watch is keeping--

Don't hunch, You
can't see anything.

Now sing!
- --all through--

- Sing!
- --the night--

Good good, good.
That's it.

--while the weary--

Now breathe in
deeply, necks not down.

- --world--
- Yes, can you feel it?

--is sleeping all--

Ar

- --through the--
- Hyd

--night--

Y nos.
Breathe!

- --O'er--
- Balance!

Your feet are staked.

Right.

--my days I'm gently
stealing visions

of delight revealing breathes--

That's it.

--a pure and holy--

Don't touch.

--feeling all--

- Ar
- --through--

Hyd

--the night.

Y nos

Bravo!

Bravo!

Well done, well done.

May I present a new
member of our society?

Nice to see you.

Hello.

Mr. Jones, who has
just passed with flying--

- How do you do?
- --colors.

Oh, hello and welcome.

Is he going to play
Matt of the Mint?

Ah well.
Maybe.

Maybe.

Oh, the wonderful.

Most unusual.

Yeah, it is.

Mr. Jones is it?

The

Guy.

Oh I like the
name Guy, don't you?

Oh yes.

So masculine.

Manly, yes.

Manly.

Frightfully.

Your attention, please.

Just a second, everybody.

Half-past nine of in the poke.

SHUT UP!

Oh, I do wish she
wouldn't shout like that.

Why can't she just
ask people to be quiet?

I must, must apologize
ladies and gentlemen

for making much slower
progress than I anticipated.

Mind you, we've done some
good solid ground work.

Groundwork?

And that's surely
going to pay off later.

So before we call it tonight
a quick recap from the top.

All right.

Ted.

Oh good.

We can watch.

We're going from
the top, apparently.

All right.

So house lights dim.

Mr. Ames in position.

Ted.

In position.

Right.

And then the soft
glow of lamplight.

And cue.

If poverty be a
title to poetry.

I'm sure nobody
can dispute mine.

I own myself--

He might benefit from a
bit of a gesture, you know?

I will be stuffing
it full of gestures

at a later stage, Jarvis.

In those days they
used their arms a lot.

Aye, be patient.

We won't see the stage
for arm movements.

I can't go too fast with Ted.

I wish you success heartily.

It takes a month or
two just to get him

pointed in the right direction.

Play away the overture.

Off that way, you fool.

FEMALE IN GROUP: Oh my goodness.

Get off.

FEMALE IN GROUP: Oh, we'll
never get through this.

Is that it?

Yes, yes, so far.

FEMALE IN GROUP: Oh, God!

We're not on until page 30.

When do you want us, next June?

That's if he's ready then.

That OK, Daffy?

Yes, Ted.

Marvelous, marvelous.

FEMALE IN GROUP: It's
riveting, I can't

wait to find out who done it.

How long has [inaudible] been?

You don't mind me coming
in with the odd idea, do you?

Not at all, Jarvis.

Any time.

Feel free.

You really must do a
production yourself sometime.

Oh.

No, Dafydd I'll come
and bugger you was up,

you interfering old fascist.

Ah, Mr. Jones,
you're still here.

You fancy a quick pint?

We usually go to The Bell.

He's a cantankerous old
bastard, the chap who runs it,

but it's the best
pint for 30 miles.

Right-o.

Splendid.

Lead on.

Ah, Bridget.

You'll switch off will you?

Yes.

This is Bridget, our
stage manager, Mr. Jones.

We couldn't cope at
all without Bridget.

Good for you.

I'm just going over
the road to brave

this cantankerous old publican.

See you over there, perhaps.

You certainly will.

Bridget's his daughter.

That's where we
do it, up there.

It's a lovely old theater.

When do we start and open?

Three months.

Mind you with this
lot, we will need it.

[laughs] Excuse me, everyone.
- It's all right, Dafydd.

I'm getting them.
- Pint for you, Mr. Jones?

Would it be all right
if I had a gin and tonic?

Gin.

Come in here a lot is he?

[laughs]

Don't mind him.

Ian and his brother, they're
in partnership together.

His brother does the work.

Ian spends the money.

Is right?

[laughs]

We've all voted for you
to play Matt of the Mint.

We think you're lovely.

Oh!

Thank you very much.

Mrs. Huntley-Pike, another
single we put well to the back,

preferably in the car park.

[laughs] She's married to old
councilor, antique party Pike,

another whiz kid in our
council, which explains why

the town's in the state it is.

There you go.

Thank you very much.

Thank you, Ian.

Bless you.

Cheers.

Here's to the production.

Yeah, here's to it
everyone, The Beggar's Opera.

GROUP: The Beggars' Opera.

WOMAN IN GROUP: The
Beggar's Opera, we

need all the luck we can get.

DAFYYD: We'll all be smashed.

Ted, look.

Oh, that boy's trouble.

Dafyyd, I think she wants you.

Who?

It's Hammer for you.

Hang on to that
a second, will you?

Where is she?
- Over there.

Oh.

Get on well with
Dafydd do you?

Well, yes I think--

I do hope so 'cause
you're drinking his beer.

GUY JONES: Oh, dear.

Darling, have you got a light?

I'm Faye, this thing's wife.

How do you do?

Hello.

You've no idea what
a pleasure it is to see

a new man in the society.

It's mostly filled with
those boring women.

It's dreadful.

Dreadful for some, perhaps.

Yes.

Depends on your point
of view, I suppose.

Jesus.

I'll bring the car around.

Can we drop you off somewhere?

Uh, no thanks,
I'm uh, I'm mobile.

Oh, take cover.

I say, I say, you're
a Scotchman, aren't you?

No.

They're the only people
that do that, you know,

the Scottish.

Do what?

Well, the glass in each hand.
Whiskey.

Beer.
Whiskey.

Beer.

Scotty, right?

Uh, no.

I can always tell'em.

Always tell'em.

Always tell'em.

Always tell'em.

He's completely mad.

Come on, darling.

I think this means we're going.

Goodnight, then.

Goodnight.

Some nights he can
hardly contain himself.

Oh!
Careful, Ian.

[plays piano]

[sings] Fill every glass.

For wine inspires us and
fires us with courage.

Another whiskey your man?

No, no, no, I- I-
I'm drinking gin.

CROWD SINGING: Fill every glass.

For wine inspires us

Look at old Ted!
CROWD SINGING: And

Hey!

Get him near a piano,
and he's awake!

CROWD SINGING: Fires us with
[rings bell]

CROWD SINGING: Courage--

My dad says he's not
licensed for music and dancing,

and would you please
stop that bloody rau.

Oh, come on.

[crowd grumbling]

I can't stand her.

BRIDGET: Only he didn't
say please like I did.

Bugger off.

Watch your language, you.

Eh, eh, play a Highland
Fling for the Scotty there.

No, no, I--

Last orders, please.

It's a filthy place, anyway.

Well, you know where you
can go if you don't like it.

You've been sat there drinking
half a shandy for three hours.

What's it got to do
with you, what I drink?

BRIDGET: [high-pitched]
What's it got

to do with you what I drink?

[hits bass piano keys]

You touch that
piano again and you're

out that door, all right?

Oh.

Yes, miss.

Wasn't me, miss.

[hits bass piano keys]

All right, you!
Out!

Easy, Bridget girl!
Easy!

I've had it up
to her with you.

Oh!

She doesn't want to
get out all us men.

That girl's hit a
carousel single handed.

Come on.
Out, I said!

- Try me!
- Out!

Out!
- Peace, children, peace!

Go on out!

Stop him, somebody!

Get off me!

- Stop them, Mr. Jones!
- I can't stand you!

Get off me!

Not now, Linda.

We've all had our bit
of fun and high spirits.

Stop it, girl.

Haven't you ever heard?

The customer's always right.

Not in this pub they aren't.

Now sod off!

Language, language.

Go on!
Out!

Get out!

Out!
Go on!

Out!

Go on!

Get!

And don't come back!

[cheers]

Hooray!

You out.

Linda, careful.

Goodnight.

Good.

Night.
- It's all over.

Glasses, please.

Come on, drink up now.

Is this my glass?

Yes, it i--

Oh, I'm sorry.

I'm so sorry.

Down goes another
reason for living.

Ha!

I hope Bridget hasn't
offended that lad.

We need him for the show.

What's he playing?

The lead, man.
Macheath.

Come on, come on!
Out!

Or do I have to throw you out?

I had to give it to him, see.

After Tommy Benzes'
cartilage problem.

Daffy, I don't
know why you always

insist on drinking in here.

I really don't.

Come on, Lynette.

Goodnight, Dafyyd.

Uh, bye Charlie.

See you tomorrow?

- Yes, indeed.
- See it a new way.

See the new.

[laughs]

You haven't seen
Linda, Dafyyd?

No, love, I haven't.

She's just a child, you see?

She's always been
mature, you know--

Physically.

--but emotionally--

Her emotions are
far from her age--

Immature you see.

- --immature you see.
- Immature, yes.

That lad's very wild.

Very wild.

Well, if you have a problem,
give me a ring at home tonight.

Thanks, Daffy.

Goodnight.

Goodnight.

Hope you sleep well.

All through the night.

[laughs]

Oh yes.

Thank you.

An effortlessly
witty woman is Enid.

Bye!

[laughs]

Do you have a
car here, do you?

Yes, I do.

It's um, it's just
around the corner.

My place is two minutes away.

You could have some cocoa.

I'll give you the script.

Set on the part
you're going to play.

Well, that would be nice.

Give me something to work on.

[dragging noise]

Hey you.

As I thought, she's in bed.

Not much of a
night owl, my wife.

Still the children get
up pretty early, see.

How many do you have?

Two.

Twins.

I'll put the kettle on.

If you're feeling cold, you can
put the fire on if you like.

Personally, I think it's
a bit warm don't you?

Yes.

Back wind by there,
uh, but is she there?

I'm home, my love.

Dafyyd, if you
want anything to--

Oh.
Oh God.

Hello, I'm--

Excuse me.

You told me you weren't
bringing anyone home.

This chap doesn't matter.

He's a small part player, love.

I'll get dressed.

Tuh.

[door creaks]

Ah, Mr. Jones!

Welcome to my filing cabinet.

Sorry about the muddle.

Coffee, tea, or
cocoa, by the way?

Uh, tea.

No problem.

Things are just
heating up out there.

I hear you ran into the wife.

Well--

No, she's well.

You know, women, they never
like being taken by surprise,

do they?

Unless they know what
it is in advance.

[laughs]

Ah.

Oh, he's what they call
their other daddy, see.

Whenever I'm away they bring
him out and pretend he's me.

Daddy where?

[kisses] Yeah.

Now this business of casting.

I've got a feeling in my
bones, and I'm not often wrong

sometimes but not often,
that you'd make a pretty

good Crook-Finger'd Jack.

Fancy having a go at
Crook-Finger'd Jack, do you?

Wow.

He sounds pretty interesting.

It's not a vast part,
but he does feature.

I mean for the sort
of size of part he is.

Do you know what I mean, he's
got what in terms of speeches?

He's got just the
one line in Act Two.

But he's the sort of
character, you know,

at the end of an evening an
audience tend to remember,

quite graphically.

Perhaps that's
because of the finger.

What?
No.

You see, the play's full of
these marvelous characters.

Huh, no, I had a
lot of opposition

in committee over this
one, I can tell you.

A lot of old diehards.

You know this one.

But I'm absolutely convinced,
Guy, that this show is

as relevant as it was in 1728.

Suky Tawdry, Dolly Trull,
Mrs. Vixen, the pimps

and the whores of the town.

Yeah.

What an age, man.

Yes, yes, of course.

And look at us today.

Bloody sex shops.

What's happened to us, Guy?

What's happened to us, Guy?

Oh.

Sorry, I get a bit
overenthusiastic, occasionally.

Have you ever considered doing
the theater professionally?

Oh, I've done my bit.

I was acting for some years.

And a little bit of stage
management, you know.

Where?

All over.

A lot of it in Myned.

It's all under the bridge now.

[door closes]

Respect to pussiless
stir nowdaisy.

Hello.

Oh, hello.

There she is.

This is my wife.

Hannah, this is Mr. Jones.

Mr. Guy Jones.
- How do you do?

How do you do?

Here, let me, dear.

In the living room, Dafyyd.

What?

Oh.

I presumed you
both wanted cocoa.

I saw the tin was out.

Oh, Guy wanted tea, love.

Sorry.

Oh, it doesn't matter.

Well, I can make tea.

No, no, no, please, really.

Tea's no trouble.

No, no, no, no.

This is perfect.

Well, if you're quite sure.

Well, I'll leave you both to it.

Sit down a second, love.

Please.

Well, if I won't
be in the way.

[door closes]

Guy's going to be giving
us his Crook-Finger'd Jack,

aren't you?

Sorry?

Our missing brigand.

Think he'll make a
highwayman, Hannah?

I just think he looks a bit
handsome for a highwayman.

What do you
think of that then?

I don't really know.

Maybe we'll give
him an eye patch!

[laughs] Girls
all right tonight?

Yes.

They're asleep.

We have twin girls.

Yes, uh.

Gwyneth who has got a cold.

And then Mifanwy who's
just getting over it.

Oh.

Nice names.

Aye.

Everything's Welsh
in this house.

Except me that is.

She was made in Middlesex.

Oh.

Guys from Leeds, huh though.

Is your wife local?

No, dear.

He doesn't have a wife.

No?

No.

She died recently.

Oh, dear.

Oh, dear.

I didn't know that.

Accident was it?

Uh, no, not
really it was, uh--

Deliberate?

[laughs]

Dafyyd!

So sorry.

Do beg your pardon, Guy.

Oh, it's quite all right.

You work locally, do you?

Yes.

I was given a transfer here.

I needed to get away from, uh--

It's nice you
chose to come here.

Well, actually,
I chose Exeter.

Only there was, apparently,
a computer malfunction.

Who are you with?

GRV.

Oh, the big boys.

Well, they are.

I'm a very small cog.

It's interesting that
you should be with GRV.

Because I've got a client--

[phone rings]

Who can that be?

[phone rings]

- Must be Ted.
- Oh, dear.

Linda trouble again.
[phone rings]

Here's a copy of the play.

Don't lose it.

It's gotta go back.

[phone rings]

It's these friends of ours.

[phone rings]

They have this daughter that
they are absolutely dote over.

She takes total
advantage of them.

Yes, I, I, I met them.

Did you?

She's a real headache for them.

She set fire to all her
mother's clothes, you know.

Heavens.

Do you have children, Mr--?

Guy, please.

And no.

My wife wasn't able to.

She wasn't uh, very strong.

Shame.

Do you miss her a lot?

Yes.

Yes, I do.

Very much.

That's nice-- for her, I mean.

I like to think I'd be missed.

You?

Hmm.

Oh, I'm sure you'd be missed.

Maybe.

By David-- or Dafyyd.

And your children.

Yes, possibly
the children would.

I don't know about Dafyyd.

Now, he is missed.

You see that big doll there?

Every time Dafyyd's out of the
house for more than 20 minutes,

the girls insist that
it's brought out.

And all their games revolve
around this wretched doll.

Tea with daddy doll.

And walks with daddy doll.

And supper with daddy doll.

And bed with daddy doll.

Well, I've stopped them taking
it to bed with them now.

Of course, Dafyyd thinks
it's terribly funny.

Trouble is, my family
are under the impression

that there's a
female counterpart

to this thing that runs
around the house after them.

Only it happens to be me.

Hooray for mommy doll.

Heavens.

I haven't talked
like this for years.

It's very boring of me.

No.

No?

No.

That was Enid.

They got home and
found Linda in bed.

Not?

No, fast asleep on her own.

So they still have a daughter,
and what's more important

we still have a Lucy Lockit.

[laughs] What's been going
on in here then, huh?

Something I should
know about, hm?

I think it's my bed
time, if you'll excuse me.

Oh no, yes.

I must be, I must
be leaving here.

I'll fetch your coat.

Thank you very much
for your hospitality.

You didn't even
drink your cocoa.

Another time, perhaps?

Here we are then.

Hope I see you again.

You'll be seeing
Hannah at rehearsal.

Really?

Didn't she tell you?

She's in our show
aren't you, lovely?

She's playing Polly
Peachum, aren't you love?

I'll look better
in the morning.

Evily.

See you.

Goodnight.

Goodnight then, Dafyyd.

Goodnight.

Goodnight.

Goodnight.

Guy.

Good morning.

Oh good morning, Dafyyd.

So why you pulled over, huh?

I called at your house.

Your landlady told me
you parked down by here.

Yes, I've got
a bit of trouble.

I can't seem to start it.

Oh, Good God.

Guy, after you left last
night, I was thinking.

Your working for GRV, it
could be quite opportune.

I don't know if I told you,
but I'm a solicitor, see?

And I've got a client
who's hoping to purchase

a couple of acres of
waste land slap bang

next to your premises.

A rumor has it that your boys
at GRV are planning to expand.

Oh!

Any truth in that, is there?

Not that I know, Dafyyd.

Cause if there
is, see, the land

could be worth quite a bit.

Well, I could ask.

And might, actually,
some little arrangement

could be made, you know?

Oh no.

I mean, no need for--

Yes, yes, fair is fair, huh?

Well I supposed,
to be really fair,

we ought to warn the
people selling the land.

Oh, yes.

That's right.

Yes.

Got it.

Right.

See you at rehearsal then.

Right.

I was just rehearsing.

I'm playing this character.

You see, he's got
crooked finger.

He's actually called
Crook-Finger'd Jack.

[music - a soldier and a sailor]

TED: [singing] --rob
your chest, sir.

Your wife may steal
your rest, sir.

A thief your good and plate.

But this is all but
picking, with rest,

pence, chest, and chicken.

If ever was decreed, sir.

If Lawyer's Hand is fee'd, sir.

He steals your whole estate.

'Twas only Nimming Ned.

He brought in a
Damask window curtain

a hoop-petticoat
a pair of silver

candlesticks a perriwig,
and one silk stocking,

from the fire that
happened last night.

Go on!

Don't stop!

We're ten days behind as it is.

We can't go on.

Bridget, who speaks next?

Ted!
Ted!

Where the hell is Ted?

Ted!

Did you want me, Dafyyd?

Ted, my love, there
is no earthly point

in leaving the stage when
you're in the middle of a scene,

now is there?

Oh, don't I go off?

I don't think you go
off until there, Ted.

Right there, dear.
You see?

Until there.

Oh, um.

Unbelievable this isn't it?

Unbelievable.

10 days we've been at this.

10 days and where are we?

Page 15 or something.

Sorry, everyone.

I shouldn't have gone off.

Well, your only
expressing in actions Ted,

what will by this time
be the heartfelt wish

of the entire audience.

Yes, yes.

Those that won't already have
dozed off or died of old age.

Dafyyd!

Why are you dressed
for a funeral, Ted?

It's his mother's
70th birthday, Dafyyd.

They were due for
tea an hour ago.

You promised to
release them early.

Terrific!

So my whole rehearsal
grinds to a halt,

for a cucumber
sandwich, does it?

There's no hurry, Dafyyd.

Well, if your mother has
got to 70, Ted, I'm sure

she will survive an
hour or so longer.

All right?

Let's get on?

On.
Put.

On!
On!

From the fire that
happened last night.

There is not a fellow that
is cleverer in his way

and saves more goods.
- Cut!

That is cut!

That was cut two days ago!

Sorry, I don't have it.

No, you don't anything, Ted.

That's your trouble, man.

You don't have any ability.

You don't have any intelligence.

You don't have one single
scrap of artistic sensibility.

And most important of
all, you d don't even

have a bloody pencil!

[screams]

Dafyyd!

That is cut!

That is cut!

And that is cut!

And the whole
cutting thing is cut!

[screams]

There!

That all right for you?

You board-headed tight ass!

[spits]

Oh!

Dafyyd!

You really are--!

There was no need for that.

God, it's hot in here.

Isn't it?

That was unforgivable, Dafyyd.

Ted of all people.

And these scripts are
supposed to go back!

[grunts]

Dear old, Guy.

And dear old, Guy.

Picking up some tips, are you?

Yes, yes.

That's amateurs for you, Guy.

Amateurs!

When the crunch comes, they
can't take the bloody pressure.

[spits]

[clears throat]

I was wondering, if you have
a minute, if I could talk to you

about Crook-Finger'd Jack.

Who?

My part.

Crook-Finger'd Jack.

What about him?

Well, it's just that I've
been thinking about him

over the past few days.

And I was wondering
if you'd uh, if you'd

like him to have a finger.

What?

A finger.

Like that.

Or, or, or um.

Perhaps the other hand.

What do you think?

Do you think we could
leave that for a day

or two longer, Guy, old boy?

I have one or two more
other pressing matters, see?

Come with me, Bridget.

I'll go and see
what's happening?

Ah, Dafyyd.

I want to talk to you.

What we to know is, will you
be needing us this afternoon

or will you not?

Only some of us have nice
comfy homes we prefer to be in.

Go on.
Go on then.

Go on, Janis.

Time to feed the dogs.

Bugger off the
bloody lot of you!

[screams]

FAY: He's crazy.

My God.

I am certainly not
staying here to listen

to language like this.

Well, goodbye then.

Goodbye.

[squeals]

Goodbye!

And further more, I shall
have a word with the committee

about this whole business.

Mr. Washbrook W is
in tears in there.

And so am I.

Are you coming, Fay?

No point in staying
here, is there?

Goodbye, yes.

Bye, Rebecca.

Bye bye.

He get more mad, huh?

Linda, is your
Crispin around anywhere?

I have not seen him.

And I have no wish to see
him, thank you very much.

I should ask her.

Do you know where he is, love?

Where I left him, probably.

Where's that?

In my bed, asleep.

Oh.

I'll die.

ENID: Come on, dear.

Let's go now.

Goodbye folks.

Have a nice tea party.

Say Happy Birthday to
your mother for me.

[phone rings]

Hello?

Hold on.

Phone for you.

Dr. Packer says it's urgent.

More problems.

More bloody problems.

I know.

Where is he?

Where shall we find another
set of some practical too?

Where shall we find such
another of practical--

[clapping]

Oh, I was just, uh I was just
rehearsing, rehearsing my line.

Well, don't wear
yourself out will you.

There's seven weeks to go yet.

You don't think
that's too obvious

for Crook-Finger'd Jack, do you?

Can't be too
obvious for Dafyyd.

You should have seen
his Sound Of Music.

He had them all on trampolines.

Heavens.

We'd like to invite you
around some time to our place.

Oh!

That would be very nice.

Thank you.

I dare say you've got
a friend you could bring?

Yes.

Yes, I think I could
probably find a friend.

Yes.

Female, of course.

Oh, yes, of course.

I don't want to
spoil your numbers.

The point is, Fay and I--

well, she likes to
meet new people--

Oh.

--all the time.

Frankly, so do I,
if you follow me.

Right.

Splendid.

Friday OK for you?

Uh, Fried--

Friday, yes.

Come have a bit of fun.

[laughs] Don't forget
your friend though.

Oh, I won't.

Oh no.

And I'd like to talk to
you about your job sometime.

I'm very interested in that.

Really?

Yes, yes.

[bell tolls]

Where shall we find
such a practical--

That's it, lad.

Where shall we find such
another set of practical--

What's it just this?

Rehearsals going well, are they?

Um, yeah, well, there
seems to be a bit of a break.

Well, I-- Well, I like to
see a man practicing his craft.

You know, when I first
went into the firm,

no matter our ware bosses all,
I started on the shop floor.

The first day there,
the foreman says,

and he was a big fella he was.

Sweep that floor spotless, lad.

Spotless.

I want to eat my
dinner off that floor.

All right.

Well, I sort of
half-swept it, you know.

When he comes back.

He picks up this handful of
sawdust that's I'd left like.

And he fetches a
bowl and a spoon.

And he makes me eat all
that sawdust, every scrap.

Heavens.

A while later, my
dad had his stroke.

And I took over the firm.

Firm.

The first thing I did was to
suck every bloody well of it.

But I learned the trade.

[piano playing]

Hi.

Thanks, Hannah.

Tea?

Oh, lovely.

Dafydd'll get to
you, eventually.

- I'm sure.
- God knows when though.

I'm wondering if you'd mind
awfully hearing my lines again.

Oh no.

Bottom of the page.

Um.

And are you as fond
as ever my dear?

Suspect my honor.

Suspect my courage.

Suspect anything but my love.

Hm.

May my pistols misfire.

Oh!

I'm--

[screams]

Dr. Packer has just
phoned to inform me.

That faced as he is with
the alternative of either

re-organizing the new
hospital rosters entirely

or relinquishing the
rule of Matt of the Mint,

he has reluctantly decided to--

Guy.

What?

Guy.

You think so?

Of course.

Guy?

Yes.

I think you are to be
cast in the role of savior.

Can you do it?

Matt of the Mint.

Oh.

For me.

For us all.

Oh well--

Thank you, thank you.

- Super.
- What do you say?

A drink to celebrate, hey, hey.

[laugh]

What, what about
Crook-Finger'd Jack?

I just learned him.

Forget Crook-Finger'd
Jack, boy.

You're Matt of the Mint.

You're a star!

Now!

He leaves!

Bridget, let's make
some phone calls.

Take a break everyone.
- I'm so thrilled for you.

Well done.

BRIDGET: Lunch, one hour.

JARVIS: Lunch?

I just got here.
IAN: Let's get some lunch.

Come on, Jarvis.

I'll buy you a pint.

Your wife's gone home, Jarvis.

Oh, good.

I'll go to the pub.

Broken for lunch, have you?

Yeah.

[MUSIC - O POLLY, YOU MIGHT HAVE
TOYED AND KISSED]

ENID: [sings] Oh
Polly, you might

have toyed and kissed by keeping
men off, you keep them on.

But he so teased me,
and he so pleased me.

What I did, you must have done.

But he so teased me,
and he so pleased me.

What I did, I must have done.

[laughs]

Ah-hem.

Bye-bye, then.

We're just rehearsing.

Oh, yes.

[romantic guitar music]

Do tell me if it's too strong.

Oh, I'm sure this
will be absolutely--

[coughs] Oh, yes.

Perfect, yes.

Ian's just popped out
to get some more Tequila.

I'm afraid we're hooked
on it these days.

Oh, yes.

Mm-hm.

So you're the first.

Yes, looks like it.

I'm all right then, anyway.

Yes?

I've got you.

Oh, yes, yes.

I suppose that means that
I'm all right as well then.

Nice pictures.

She's going it a bit, isn't she?

[laughs] What about him?

Look at him.

[tray clangs]

Good Lord, Yes.

Good Lord.

[laughs] Wait 'til you see
what we got in the bedroom.

Yes, yes [laughs] Oh.

Mm-hm.

You look, uh, you
know, very nice.

Oh, so do you.

I love men in ties.

You'd like in our office then.

It's full of them.

Look, I might as
well say this early on.

If there's anything
you particularly

like or positively dislike,
you will say, won't you?

No, no.

I'm not at all fussy.

I take just whatever's
put in front of me.

I mean, I'm very easy.

Mm-hm.

Mm, I don't think
there's anything--

I suppose if it was excessively
cruel or painful that I

would draw the line at.

Yes, yes.

You mean like
veal, for instance?

Veal?

I don't think I've tried that.

You haven't?

Oh, something new!

Oh!

Oh, I can't wait.

Veal?

How do you spell it?

Uh, V- E- A- L. Oh,
the same as the meat?

Oh.

What does it stand for?

Um, uh, uh, I
um, I have no idea.

Oh.

Very exciting and lascivious.

[laughs] No?

Hm.

Viciously energetic
and lingering.

[laughs]

Vomit-making
especially at lunchtime.

[laughs]

Oh!

Oh!

Your friend's late.

Yes.

I'm beginning to
get a bit worried.

I would have picked
her up in the car,

but she's very independent.

You'll like her.

Oh, I'm sure.

[door closes]

Oh, Ian's back.

Been all over the
bloody place, and over out

of the town but no Tequila.

Hi ya, Guy.

Hello, doll.

You have enough left
for another one?

Hm, just.

Guy?

Well i-i-if it
could be uh, uh,

n-not quite so um, so um, uh.

[clears throat]

Where's your friend then?

Uh, w-w-well she'll be here.

Come on.

I'll show you how to
make a Swayze Swizzle.

Fay can do that, you know?

Really?

Before things start
hotting, can I just clear up

a little business matter?

Of course, of course.

Eh, my brother and I have
this little building firm.

And we've been, uh--
Oh.

Yeah, we've been
contemplating buying

a small piece of land,
which as it happens

had joined your factory.

Oh, yes.

I know the piece.

Good.

Well there is a rumor,
isn't there always,

that said GRV may be
intending to uh develop

their existing premises.

In which case, of course,
the land in question

could become a little
more expensive.

Well, all I can give you is
the same answer I gave Dafyyd.

Dafyyd?

I honestly have no idea,
but I'll try and find out.

I assume Dafyyd's
acting for you on this.

Yes.

Yes, maybe he is.

Don't take this
the uh wrong way.

I could make this
worth your while.

I think I can speak for
Fay and say we both could.

Still I'll let pictures
speak louder than words, aye?

Get my meaning?

[doorbell]

That'll be your friend.

I'll get it doll.

[upbeat music plays]

Bring the drinks
through, will you?

We'll join you.

My God.

Who's this?

Oh.

Thank goodness.

That's Hilda.

At last.

That is, that is Hilda?

Well, yes.

[laughing loudly]

Well, she does look a
bit the worse for a cook.

What's the joke?

Nothing.

Nothing!

Hm.

[doorbell]

Come on, quick.

Why?

Where?

Beddy-byes.

I'm sorry?

I'm in desperate need
of veal, right now.

Where?
In bed?

Come on, quick.

Mr. Hubbard, have
you sat down yet?

I'm sorry I'm late, love.

Hope you've had the sense
to start without me.

No point in letting
it get cold, is there?

Ginger and rhubarb.

Bloody hell fire.

[on tv] But all is not
as peaceful as it may seem.

On Thailand's eastern
boarder of Cappocia

and on the western
boarder of Malaysia

there have been incursions.

[drunken laughter]

V- E- A- L. Voraciously,
energetic, athletic, lover.

Oh!

[sings] Let the
chemists toil like Asses.

Our for their fire surpasses.

MALE CHORUS: And turns
all of our lead go gold.

Hoorah, hoorah, hoorah.

[inaudible] Macheath
and the ladies.

[inaudible] season
group on stage.

Oh, hi then.

How's it going?

Oh, fine, fine.

Getting all we want, are we?

Crispin?

Don't go away.

There's a good boy.

I need you right this minute.

We're doing you a
number now, see?

I mean, I hope you haven't
forgotten that little favor

for me, have you?

Oh, not at all.

OK now, places everyone.

I mean, I hope you haven't.

No.

W- w- w- well, I
am uh, I- I- I'm--

[music - "cotillion"]

FEMALE CHORUS: Youth's
the season made for joys.

Come on, ladies.

Give it some body.

CRISPIN: Love is then our duty.

Body.

You're whores.

FEMALE CHORUS: She alone who--
- Horizontal women.

FEMALE CHORUS: --that employs.

Come on, Linda
Sell us your body.

She couldn't give it away.

[laughs]

FEMALE CHORUS:
Despised in decay.

Youth's the season made for joy

Oh, he's like an
animal that boy.

FEMALE CHORUS: Love
is then our duty.

You've only got to
mention a coffee break,

and he's got his trousers
down by his knees.

FEMALE CHORUS: Let us
drink and sport today

He's got both those girls
on a string, you know.

CRISPIN: Ours is not tomorrow.

It isn't fair on
the rest of us, aye.

FEMALE CHORUS: Let us
drink and sport today.

CRISPIN: Ours is not tomorrow.

FEMALE CHORUS: Love with
you files swift away.

CRISPIN: Age is not but sorrow.

Is that you, Mr. Jones?

Yes, it's only me Mrs. Bawden.

Shhh.

[on tv] You can't
hold us here, High King.

My father will come
with many soldiers.

I warn--

[slow music plays]

[doorbell]

[knocking]

Oh, Good afternoon.

Sorry to bother you.

My name's Llewellyn.

Is Mr. Jones at
home by any chance?

Yes, he is.

Won't you come in?

Thank you very much.

Oh, yes.

We're right in the
middle of it now.

[door closes]

God.

My God.

The Beggar's
Opera, don't miss it.

All human life is air, you know.

What's he doing here?

He's supposed to be rehearsing.

I don't know.

What do I know?

This is it.

[doorbell]

What do we do now?

We have to pretend
we're rehearsing.

[sings] But he so pleased
me and he so teased me.

Shhhh!

Leave it to me.

- What I--
- No!

Shh!
Shh!

Shh!

[doorbell]

Oh, hello there, Dafyyd.

Guy, sorry to
trouble you at home.

Could you spare a minute?

Sorry, I don't want
to let the heat out.

Ah, no.

Right.

Was that singing
I heard just then?

Yes.

Cassette.

Oh, yes.

I didn't think it
was you some how.

[laughs]

Oh, no, no, no, it
certainly wasn't me.

At least I hope it wasn't.

[laughs]

Thank you, Mrs. Bawden.

Don't let us keep you.

No.

Right.

Look, Guy, it's Ian Hubbard.

He doesn't think he can
do the part after all.

So we are without
a Filch, you see?

Which is serious, because
it's a very big part indeed.

Yeah.

Guy, do you think
you could do it?

Well, I--

A month ago, I wouldn't
have considered asking you.

But you're growing in
confidence every day.

You know, you're a changed man.

Well, what do you say, boy?

All right.

Good man.

Do you know at this rate, you'll
be taking over from me, man.

Good luck, buck.

Thank you.

Thank joke about.

You should really thank Fay,
she suggested you straight away.

Hey, I think you've
got a fan there, boy.

That's long enough.

Talk about.
Phew.

[MUSIC - "WOULD YOU HAVE A YOUNG
VIRGIN"]

CRISPIN: [sings] Roses and
lilies her cheeks disclose.

But her ripe lips are
more sweet than those.

[moans]

CRISPIN: [sings] Press
her, caress her, Watch out!

With blisses her kisses dissolve
us in pleasure and soft repose.

[soft violin playing]

Well, what are you
going to do about it?

I mean, you can't have
two of us, can you?

You'll just have to
make your mind up, Guy.

Me or her?

I mean, it's not that easy.

What?

What did you say?

[loudly] I said,
it's not that easy.

Shh!

Shh!

All right!

Do you want the whole
restaurant to hear?

I mean, why do you
want two of us anyway?

Well, I love you
both, in different ways.

I suppose I'm the one who's
good for sewing on buttons

and doing your washing.

That takes a great deal of
arranging I'll have you know.

Using our machine when
Dafyyd's out of the way.

Sorting out socks at midnight.

You don't have any
of his pants, do you?

I've mislaid a pair.

Sort of paisley pattern?

Yes.

I think I've got
them on actually.

Oh God, Guy.

Well, it's obvious you don't
go to Fay for your washing.

Despite all those pale
clothes she wears,

I always get the feeling
there's something

very grabby underneath.

Oh.

Come on, Hannah.

Have a cake.

I've had quite enough cake.

Now we have to meet in cafe's.

Well, where else do we go?

Nowhere.

It's too small a town.

Everybody knows.

Except Dafyyd, of course.

I thought at first, he was
turning a gigantic blind eyes.

It's amazing, even the
twins are suspicious.

No.

He doesn't want me
in that way anymore.

So he assumes that nobody
else could possibly want me.

I'm not sure
anybody does really.

Now Hannah.

Hannah.

Hannah.

Now, Hannah.

It's just damn lucky for
you that Dafyyd doesn't know.

That's all I can say.

Otherwise, he'd punch
you into a pulp.

He, he, he, he'd
smash your face in.

And jump on you.

And then, then kick you
where it really hurts.

And I'd laugh, ha, ha.

His brother Toffy
was a rugby player.

Yes, yes, yes, I
know, uh, he told me.

People are-- come on, Hannah.

People are, people are,
people are staring.

Woo-hoo, hello, you two.

Oh no.

Hello, Fay.

May I join you?

You most certainly may not.

Thank you, Guy.

[sighs] Oh!

I'm exhausted.

Oh, Hannah, you look terrible.

What is it, darling?

Hay fever?

I'm allergic that's
all to certain smells.

Uh, I think it might be
best if one of us left.

Oh, I'm not stopping.

Good.

I just wanted to give
something to Guy.

What?

Here.

- What is it?
- Private.

What?

Mind your own business.

I demand to know what it is.

I demand to know.

Get your hands off.

Now then, look girls.

People are staring.

How dare she give you secret
presents right under my nose.

- Let go!
- No!

Look, look.

Let's be adult
about this shall we.

Look, let me have it.

I'll open it.

And then there
will be no secrets.

Girl, Hannah.

Hannah?

Hannah!
- All right.

I want to see.

Fay?

Fine with me.

You OK?

Oh, God.

[laughs] They
were under the bed.

I didn't want you to catch cold.

[laughs]

You total bitch.

You total and utter,
grubby, smutting,

grimy, unhygienic little bitch.

RESTAURANT PATRONS: [laughing]

- Give me those.
- Hannah.

Don't do that.

At once, give them to me.

Let go at once.

Now, look.
Look.

This is silly.

Give me those pants.

Hannah, they're not yours.

They don't belong to you.

Yes, they do!

Nonsense.

- I think they do actually, Fay.
- They're hers?

Yes.

Oh, darling.

I'm terribly sorry.

I mean, when I said they
were hers, I meant, you know--

Hannah, darling.

Whoever would have guessed?

Well, it just goes to
show behind the most

boring exterior--
- How dare you do this.

- --there's--
- How dare you.

--the weirdest of hang ups.

- I'm not stopping here.
- Don't worry, darling.

Your secret is safe.

You'll be sorry for this.

Really, Fay.

They were Dafyyd's.

A mix up in the wash.

I shan't enquire further.

I'll be in later if you
wanted to hop around.

Oh, um.

I, I, yeah, I don't
think tonight, Fay.

By the way, Ian was wondering
if you'd heard about the land

yet.

Oh.

No.

No, sorry.

Jarvis won't hang on forever.

If we don't buy it,
somebody else will.

Jarvis?

You mean, it's Jarvis
who owns the land?

The point is darling,
we made a deal.

A deal?

Well, Ian did
give it up for you.

His role.

Filch.

Oh.

But uh, I didn't ask him to.

I am checking
discreetly, of course.

Oh good.

It would be horrid if it
got all nasty, wouldn't it?

Bye bye, darling.

Bye.

Yeah, this is Mrs. Cullet.

She lives next door to me.

[MUSIC - "A LOVELY LASS TO A
FRIAR CAME"]

LINDA: [sings] Thus
when a good housewife

sees a rat in her trap
in the morning taken,

with pleasure her heart goes
pit-a-pat in the revenge

for her loss of bacon

[speaker feedback]

LINDA: [sings] to be worried,
crushed, and sha- a- a- a- ken.

Am I then bilked of my virtue?

Can I have no reparation?

Sure, men were born to lie
and women to believe them.

Oh, villain, villain.

Am I not thy wife?

Ah, Guy.

Sorry we're running a bit late.

Moving into the theater
and all that, huh.

It's OK.

This boy, he's
got a great voice

but he moves like
a tailor's dummy.

As for this prissy little
madam, look at her.

I've seen rougher trade
on a health-food counter?

Art thou then
married, monster?

Art thou then
married to another?

Art thou then
married to another?

Hast thou--?

Hast thou two wives, monster?

All right, I know it.

All right, girls.

Get on with it.

Every time I pause for a
breath, she reads out my line.

I have to breathe don't I?

Not necessarily.

You can't take all that
long breathing on stage.

If you want to breathe
deeply, breathe

offstage in your own time.

On we go.

And Bridget, shut up.

I thought I was
here to prompt.

Shut up!

Go on!

Oh, my go is it?

If women's tongues will
cease then hear me.

God help us all.

Hey!

I heard that.

I won't.

Flesh and blood
can't bear my usage.

Shall I not claim my own?

He must be distracted
with his misfortunes

or he could not use me thus.

Oh.

Um.

Uh.

Uh.

What is it then?

Oh.

Oh.

Oh.

Va.

Vain?

Vish?

Vo?

Va, va, Oh.

Just what the hell is this?

20 bloody questions?

Bridget, for God's
sake, give her her line.

You just told me not to.

Oh villain, villain.

Thou hast deceived me.

I could even inform
against thee with pleasure.

Not a prude wishes
more heartily to have

facts against her
intimate acquaintance.

Ohhhh!

Bridget, cut that out.

And Linda, pull
yourself together.

Just a minute, Dafyyd.

Just a minute.

Oh!

Now, don't cry.

Nobody's worth it.

Look at that smoking wolf.

--rehearsal Come on.

Now, don't cry anymore.

Come on.

Injury time's over.
- Right.

She's all right.

All right?

Oh villain, villain.

Thou hast deceived me.

I could even inform
against you with pleasure.

Not a prude wishes
more heartily to have

facts against your
intimate acquaintance.

I wish to have
facts against thee.

I would have her satisfaction
and they should all out.

Well.

[laughs]

Will you stop laughing at me!

Hey, hey, hey, hey.

It was funny.

Linda.

I'll soon make
you stop laughing.

Quick, play something.

That's enough.

No more.

Ted, shut up.

Shut up!

Come on, girls.
Come on.

Stop that.

Very convincing.

Shut up!

Get in there, girl.

Bridget, Linda,
come on, stop it.

Get them, Guy.

Linda.

Stop it!

Ow!

Now listen to me both of you.

Stop it.

Don't be silly.

Bridget!

Cut it out!

All right.

Now that's good, all right.

Aye!

God almighty.

I can't hold her much--

Take her back stage
and run her under a tap.

Outside.
Come on.

Come on.

Stop it.

Come along.

Don't be silly.
Come on.

Stop it!

No!

I hate her!

Now, cool off!

Breathe deeply!
Come on.

In through your nose.

You, you sniggering Herbert.

This is all your fault.

Bollocks.

I've got a good mind
to sort you out, boy.

I really have.

All right, you're on.

What?

Come on.

Eh.

Stop it.

You know, you've been getting
up my nose for a few weeks now.

Come on boy, be your age.

I'm a middle aged man.

But lately, I don't try it on.

I'm a lawyer.

I could have you up.

I won't, mind you,
if you don't try.

I've got my glasses on man.

Oh God!

Dafyyd!

Hoy!

Bye all.

Oh lord, lord, lord.

That wasn't as convincing
as the other one.

I'd kill that old bastard.

You don't mind
an opinion, do you?

- Are you OK?
- What's happened?

I think he's been hit in the--

It's very painful
there isn't it?

Well, of course,
it's bloody painful.

Cold water helps, I think.

You better come with me.

You can have the
sink after Linda.

That's right, dear.
Come on.

Hey, stop it.

Hey, hey, hey.

Here.

Tell me what you think this is.

I have no idea.

That is an actual
recording of an 1812

Boulton and Watt beam engine.

Really?

Which is still used today
for pumping water to the summit

of the Kennett and Avon canal.

Look, uh, could I
have a word with you?

Hm.

It's about that bit of land
next to GRV, do you know it?

Know it?

I own it.

Yes, well you
see the point is,

there's a rumor
going about that GRV

are contemplating buying it.

In which case, it
could be worth a bit,

if you were
considering selling it.

Oh well, I'll see you
looked after, don't worry.

Oh no.

I, I, I don't need
looking after.

Really.

Well, why are you telling me?

Well, I, I, I wouldn't want
people to put one over on you.

Friendly.

They don't come the
friendly with me, friend.

I have a few years to go yet.

But when I leave this earth,
I've be leaving it fair

and square.

I owe nothing to no one.

They're all paid off.

I paid off my business.

I paid off my family.

Hello?!

Hi.

Good evening.

Has Dafyyd got to us yet?

No, I don't think he's
got to very much actually.

How unsurprising?

Where is he?

Back there?

Yes.

She's paid off and all.

My mother's 92,
and she's paid off.

You'll be paid off, don't worry.

Without consent of parents.

Hello, everybody.

What's been going on?

[speaker feedback]

Nice shot.

How are you feeling?
- Bloody awful.

If that boy doesn't come back,
we are over the dead boy line.

You know, trying
to do the Beggar's

Opera without a Macheath
is a bit of a nonstarter.

Ah, who cares anyway?

I do.

Ah, Guy.

Guy.

My rock.

[laughs] Ah, but
nobody really cares.

Every time I vow, I'm
just going to have a ball.

I'm not going to take
any of it seriously.

Every time it gets like this.

Life and death stuff, man.

Desperate.

And all that's happened is
that a play might not happen.

That's all.

But outside these four walls,
boy-o In the real world

out there, actually
I'm in serious trouble.

And I couldn't give a stuff.

Any particular
sort of trouble?

Things, you know.

Hannah.

Things like that.

She's a bloody deep
freeze of a woman.

That's the trouble,
physically, I mean.

Oh, she's great in
other ways keeping

the home going and things.

I call her my Swiss Army wife.

No man should be without one.

[laughs] It's just
that she's got

a blade missing or something.

Always outside.

Oh, it isn't her
fault, mind you.

No.

It's just not in her nature.

That's it.

Right from our wedding night.

Ice tongs to lift
her nightdress.

I'm telling you, boy.

I assumed she'd thaw, see?

Given a little warmth.

Oh well.

God, it isn't as if
I didn't try it, uh?

I really wanted to make it work.

I really did.

The nights I spent battering at
those bloody defenses of her.

I know.

Eh, to hell with it.

I'm fine.

Still you managed
to have twins.

Yes.

We never talk about that.

Ah.

Never.

Sorry to interrupt.

First, I thought you
ought to know the tannoy's

on, the loudspeaker system.

We heard everything.

Oh God.

Second, in a vain attempt
to stop Hannah hearing,

we've had a meeting.

That boy doesn't
intend to come back.

So we need a new Macheath.

Where are we
going to find him?

Well--

Ah.

You mean him?

Well, it's either that
or bring back Ian Hubbard.

Oh God.

Anyone rather than Ian Hubbard.

Could you do it?

Do it?

He'll love it.

[MUSIC - "TOM TINKER'S MY TRUE
LOVE"]

Which way shall I turn me?

How can I decide?

Wives the day of our death,
are as fond as a bride.

One wife is too much for
most husbands to hear,

but two at a time there's
no mortal can bear.

This way and that way
and which way I will,

what would comfort the one
t'other wife would take ill.

Oh, hello, Guy!

So sweet of you to pop 'round.

Sherry or something?

Uh, no.

Thanks all the same.

Not with rehearsals in a minute.

Oh no matter if I
drink myself silly.

They always hide me behind
a piece of scenery anyway.

Do sit down.

Do you?

No.

You are good.

None of the vices, practically.

We all think Dafyyd's terribly
lucky to get you as Macheath.

Whatever the price.

I'm sorry?

Oh don't be sorry, Guy.

You've jollied us
all up, no end.

All of us.

In our different ways.

Well, I--

What I'm really hoping
is that you're going

to make my afternoon as well.

After all, you've made
practically everyone else's.

There's a little favor
I wanted to ask you.

Don't look so terrified.

It's not what you're thinking

N-no.

No.

God forbid.

Six years of sharing a mattress
with Jarvis cured me of that.

It's about our
little piece of land.

Yes.

Yes, but the point is, I got
this in the post this morning.

How gorgeous.

What is it?

I'm sorry I haven't
got my glasses

It's 500 pounds.

Lucky you.

Somebody passed away?

I rather thought
it came from Jarvis.

That sounds very unlikely.

You'd be the first person to
get any money out of Jarvis.

None of his wives ever could.

Two of them died trying.

Poor things.

I'm pretty certain
it came from him.

Did it say, with
love from Jarvis?

No, of course it didn't.

Then why on earth should
he send you 500 pounds?

Because I warned
him about this rumor.

Oh yes, it was
awfully sweet of you.

Thank you.

Suppose the rumor wasn't true,
and everyone assumed it was.

The price of the
land would go up.

And all those unscrupulous
people you warned Jarvis about

would receive a sort
of poetic justice.

Of course, it would
be helped enormously

if someone strategically
placed, like yourself,

encouraged the story.

Oh uh, no.

I don't think I could.

No, no.

Heaven forbid.

Yes.

Just remember though,
when they're all clapping

and cheering you
on the first night,

it was me that got you the part.

Yes, well, I, I'm
very grateful but I--

Well, we must dash mustn't we?

Wouldn't do to
keep them waiting.

Yeah, but what should
I do with the money?

Enjoy it, I should.

I can't accept it.

You can't leave it People will
think you're giving it to us.

[MUSIC - "ALL IN A MISTY
MORNING"]

BRIDGET: [singing] Before
the barn door crowing,

the cock by Hens att--
- It does fit.

It's a miracle.

BRIDGET: --the cock
by hands attended.

Oh, oh it's lovely.

TED: Let's start
from the top, please.

Hello, Rebecca.

Just Guy's jacket
might graph linen.

That needs altering.

BRIDGET: Before the barn door
crowing, the cock by hens

attended.

His eyes around him throwing
stands for a while suspended--

You've locked the door.

Why have you locked the door?

Fay, don't do that.
- I know.

I'm late.

BRIDGET: --and
cheers the happy hen.

With a how do you do that
was quick and a how do you do

and how do you do again.

Ah, Guy.

Sorry to keep you waiting.

We'll be under way
pretty soon now,

if nothing else blows up on us.

Thank you, Raymond.

It's lovely.

This look like firelight to you?

Eh, uh, not a lot.

No, no, me neither.

Yes, we're wild
about that, Raymond.

We like it very much.

JARVIS Go on Stick your leg up.

Stick your leg up in the air.

Could I see your
number 18 now, please?

That's your number 18?

My number 15.

Haven't even got the same
bloody numbers these pants?

No, that's number 17, Raymond.

That's your number 17.

My number 12.

RAYMOND: That is number 18.

19?

What the hell's that
supposed to be then?

Oh no, Raymond.

Oh come down, now.

Here this should be better.

Oh, thanks.

DAFYYD: There's
too much red, man.

They look like they're on fire.
JARVIS: Hold it there.

Hold it.

Hold it.

Let me know if it's
still uncomfortable.

No, no, this is
uh, this is perfect.

Try circuit 12 on
number 22, Raymond.

FAY: Let's go to the piano now.

Guy.

FAY: I'm going to
sit on top it it.

What?

FAY: Like they used to do
in the movies, you know.

Why haven't you phoned?

Hannah.

What is it?

What have I done?

Well, I've- I've
had this on my mind.

I've had a week to
learn the thing.

Was that more
important than us?

DAFYYD: That's fine.

Now don't lose it, Raymond.

Now, number 16.

We can't decide anything
in the middle of a--

[loudly] Well when can we?
DAFYYD: Sorry my loves.

I'll be with you in a minute.

This is getting
ridiculous, Raymond.

All right.

If you want to talk about it.

We will.

I think, I think
it's got to stop.

I think it's been
tremendous fun.

And I think you're wonderful.

But it's simply go to stop.

What are you talking about?

Stop?

DAFYYD: 27 and 28, Raymond.

Why?

Why?

Well for one thing, Dafyyd.

I don't like the
look of those two.

Shut up!

Stop running about!

What's Dafyyd go
to do with anything?

DAFYYD: No, no.

We leave the pageant spot later.

Dafyyd has got everything
to do with everything.

He's your husband.

And he's my friend.

DAFYYD: Let's try 86, Raymond.

If I felt that
I was responsible

for your leaving him.

I'm leaving him any way
whether you stay or not.

Oh, this lighting
here sucks, Raymond.

You'd have to be a midget.

What do you think we're
doing, Snow White?

You're using Dafyyd as an
excuse to ditch me, that all.

That's absolutely not true.

I say, you two?

Yes.

Look, would you mind standing
in for me for a minute?

Just by there while
I check this focus.

That's right.

I have preferred it
if you'd been honest

and said another woman.
- Shh!

Hannah, could you pretend
to be Fay Hubbard for me

for a minute, love?

Which of course it is
She's a bit taller than you.

So can you stand up
on your toes a bit?

A bit more please, love?

That's it, carry it.

Guy, my love, would you
mind going down a bit?

Down to Tony Moffit's size.

There, that's fine.

That's no good at all, Raymond.

Show me something else.

I was prepared to give up
everything for you, you know.

No.

DAFYYD: Nope.

My home, my marriage,
even my children.

I don't think you
were actually, Hannah.

Not if it came to it.

DAFYYD: No!

Not in a million years.

You were playing around with
Faye and God knows who else.

You used me, Guy.

No, that is a lie.
DAFYYD: Yes!

That's it.

What number is that?

RAYMOND: Number 8.

Sorry my loves.

You can relax now.

Thanks a lot for your help.

What's the matter with her then?

Oh sh- sh- sh- sh
she sh- sh- sh- sh she.

Hey, you're dafty but you've
been looking in the light

again, haven't you?

How many times have I told you?

Shut your eyes, girl.

Hey, put those down, Ted.

And don't bang those there.

Put them on that side of you.

TED: I do like those.

Because I picked
them myself actually.

I do love you so much, Guy.

I love you too, Hannah.

TED: I think they'll
probably stick

in very strongly in the
actual piece, I hope anyway.

We're supposed to
have 8 the doors.

Count them.

We're supposed to have
them in Act Three.

Dafyyd.

Yes, my love?

I have to talk to
you about something.

Oh, yes.

I say, is this right?

Yeah, that's great, Jarvis.

Great.

What's the problem?

Well, I know it's uh, it's
a ridiculous time to say it.

But--

These are not the right
trousers, of course.

You're going to be
sensational, Guy.

You're home and dry, boy.

No, no, no, it- it-
it's not about the show.

Nor do they appear to
have sent me any boots.

I mean, the man's a jailer.

He'd have boots.

He's never have
shoes, not in a jail.

Don't worry, Jarvis.

Just try and
remember your lines.

Well, I'm not
playing in these shoes.

I need to find some boots.

BRIDGET: Anyone seen
some brown boots?

Seen this have you?

Kept that to yourself.

They're relocating 76 people.

74, actually.

How long have you know this?

Since I- Since I found the
note on my desk this morning.

I believe you, sunshine.

Oh, Dafyyd!

Dafyyd, what do
you think of this?

Since I'm bound to be standing
behind some huge tree,

it probably won't matter anyway.

It's

Great, Becky.

Well, it's your
production, darling.

If you're expecting laughs,
you won't be disappointed.

Have you seen the news?

Would you believe it?

Dafyyd likes this dress.

Hello, love.

JARVIS Excuse me, has
anybody seen my boots?

BRIDGET: Well, I
looked for them.

Guy.

I'm desperately sorry.

I really am.

Is that what you wanted
to tell me just now?

You'll be OK.

Don't despair old friend.

JARVIS: Rebecca Where are you?

Rebecca.

Here, they've done
what they can with it.

Oh, oh.

That's fine.

Calculating little
bastard, aren't you?

You knew they weren't
going to lose that land.

Well, you didn't convince Ian.

He said you were a
shit from the start.

JARVIS: Has anybody
got a hair dryer?

[somber music plays]

Let me see, it's on your back.

You're over there, Guy.

Oh, yes.

They're all out.

I meant to do it good.

I think they're
waiting for Dafyyd.

These shoes are a bit tight.

Oh, dear.

I was supposed
to have some boots,

but somebody pinched them.

Guy's really--

Oh, dear.

I hope we get it right--

Oh, that's better Linda.

She's taken the ribbon off it.

Much better.

Sorry, everyone.

But I uh-- uh, right, sorry.

Uh, here we go then.

This is a technical rehearsal
mostly for stage management

and lighting, and so on.

And yeah, so.

Uh.

Here we go then.

Good luck.

Act One beginners,
stand by, please.

Overture and beginners.

Less talking, please.

Can you get ready now?

It's the first run through.

Ian's just told me, you
bastard, about you and Hannah.

BRIDGET: Come along, everybody.

Hurry up.

I just want you to
know that I think you're

a total and utter bastard.

And my one prayer is
that one of these days,

you'll get what's coming to you.

OK?

BRIDGET: Less talking, please.

And get on with it.

That's all I
have to say to you.

BRIDGET: Ready for
the run through.

Having said that, all the
very best of luck for the show.

And I hope it goes
really well for you.

Good luck.

Come on, Raymond.

Let's have the opening stay it.

Lights and music!

You ready, Mr. Ames?

MR. AMES: If poverty
be a title to poetry,

I'm sure nobody
can dispute mine.

I own myself at the
company of beggars.

[MUSIC - "GIN THOU WERT MINE AWN
THING"]

Oh what pain is is to part.

Can I leave thee?

Can I leave thee?

Oh what pain it is to

Oh, Mr. Jones.
Aren't you the lucky chap.

Part.

You transfer to our Blackpool
office in three days time.

Can thy Poly ever leave thee?

But lest death my love
should thwart and bring me

to the fatal court.

Thus I tear thee from
my bleeding heart.

Fly hence and let me leave thee.

[music - "lumps of pudding"]

GUY: [sings] Thus I
stand like the Turk,

with his doxies around.

From all sides there glances
his passion confound.

For black, brown, and fair
his inconstancy burns.

And the different beauties
subdue him by turns.

Each call forth her charms
to provoke his desires.

Best of luck, Dafyyd.

GUY: Though willing to all
with but one he retires.

But think of his maxim,
and put off your sorrow.

The wretch of today
he maybe tomorrow.

But think of his maxim,
and put off your sorrow.

The wretch of today
maybe happy tomorrow.

Each calls forth her charms
to provoke his desires.

Though willing to all
with but one he retires.

But think of his maxim
and put off your sorrow.

The wretch of today
he maybe tomorrow.

That was it.

Bravo!

Bravo!

Bravo!

Beautiful.

For me?

Oh lovely.

Oh I did enjoy that.

GUY: Well, that wasn't
too bad, was it?

I knew he'd make a speech.

He always does.

Ladies and
gentlemen, thank you

all for that wonderful,
wonderful reception.

There are a million
people I ought to thank,

but I will restrict
myself to this.

Thank your wonderful cast.

Thank you wonderful,
wonderful, stage management.

And thanks wonderful audience.

But thanks most of all to one
individual without whom none

of this could have happened.

He came to PALOS
but a few weeks ago.

An emergency occurred, and
the man rose to the occasion.

Ladies and gentlemen, our
very special Macheath,

Mr. Guy Jones.

AUDIENCE: [cheers & applause]

Mom, we're not going to
the pub again tonight are we?

DAFYYD: Well done, Jarvis.

You remembered every
line didn't you?

Becky.

Oh, I did enjoy that.

Come on, Jack.

[phone rings]

Bye, then.

Bye.

--simply wonderful,
every time.

It was a great success, Dafyyd.

They can have one chocolate
biscuit each, Joyce.

Then they clean their teeth,
and straight back to bed again.

Bye.

I was, um, I was just--

well done.

Thanks.

I, well, I must--

good bye.

That's my money.

I told you it was a waste
of time giving it to me.

Guy, Guy--

Stop it!

Linda.

Give it back to me.

No, give it back.

Linda, it's not yours.

Meet friendly people.

The Blackpool Players
audition "The Merry Widow."

[SINGING ACAPELLA - "I'M OFF TO
CHEZ MAXIME"]

I'm off too Chez Maxime
to join the whirling

stream, for one brief
hours entrancing

the moments fly romancing.

[SINGING ACAPELLA - "MERRY WIDOW
WALTZ"]

Love unspoken, faith
unbroken, all life through.

[music - "merry widow waltz"]

Strings are playing, hear
them saying love me true.

Love ever answers,
say you want me too.

All the world's in love
with love and I love you.

[instrumental plays]