A Carol Christmas (2003) - full transcript

[ROCK INSTRUMENTAL
OF DECK THE HALLS PLAYING]

BIG SHOW TODAY.

YOU BETCHA, BUDDY.

IT'S BEGINNING TO LOOK
A LOT LIKE CHRISTMAS.

OH, LET ME HELP YOU
WITH THAT, BILLY.

THANKS, JIMMY.

GOD REST YE,
MERRY GENTLEMEN.

MORNING.

HI.

I'M GONNA PUT ON 5 POUNDS
LOOKING AT THIS TABLE.

I KNOW, I KNOW.
WE NEED CAROL.



I HAVE TO GO
TALK TO HAL.

THEN I'LL GET HER.

WISH ME LUCK.

Man: YOU HAVE TO STOP BLAMING THE
REST OF THE WORLD FOR YOUR MISTAKES.

IT'S ABOUT TIME YOU TOOK
RESPONSIBILITY FOR WHAT YOU'VE DONE

AND LOOKED FOR A WAY
TO MAKE THINGS RIGHT.

YEAH, THAT OUGHT
TO SHUT HER UP!

Man on TV: LIFE GIVES YOU LEMONS,
YOU MAKE LEMONADE.

YOU DON'T WHINE AND MOAN
ABOUT GETTING LEMONS.

YOU'VE GOT
TO STOP CRYING.

YOU'VE GOT TO STOP FEELING
SORRY FOR YOURSELF.

AND REMEMBER
THAT IF YOU DON'T

TAKE CONTROL
OF YOUR LIFE,

NOBODY ELSE IS GOING
TO DO IT FOR YOU.



FEELING SORRY
FOR YOURSELF

NEVER SOLVED
ANY PROBLEMS.

LIFE PRESENTS US
WITH LOTS OF CHOICES.

ALONG THE WAY, WE GET
TO MAKE SOME GOOD CHOICES

AND SOME REALLY AWFUL ONES.

REMEMBER, THE MAN UPSTAIRS
IS KEEPING TRACK.

AND SO WE'VE GOT TO BE SURE
THAT THE GOOD CHOICES

OUTWEIGH THE BAD CHOICES,

OR...YOU WON'T BE HAPPY

WITH WHAT HE'S GOT IN STORE
FOR YOUR THE FUTURE.

I'M DR. BOB,
AND WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK.

HE IS SO FULL OF IT.

I SHOULD INCORPORATE SOME OF
THAT DOUBLE-TALK INTO MY SHOW.

SEEMS LIKE A LOT
OF CLICHES TO ME.

YEAH. WELL,
THOSE CLICHES HAVE MADE HIM MILLIONS.

YOU SHOULD
BE SO LUCKY.

HOW ABOUT
THE CAMERA OPERATORS?

WHAT'D I GET THEM
LAST YEAR?

UH, SOAP.

OBVIOUSLY
THEY'VE GONE THROUGH IT.

HAVE YOU STOOD NEXT
TO ONE OF THEM LATELY?

SOUND CREW?
SOAP.

UH, MAKEUP.

NOW, THEY DO
MAKE ME LOOK GOOD,

SO MAYBE YOU SHOULD GET THEM
SOMETHING A LITTLE BIT NICER.

NAH. WHAT WAS I THINKING?
IT'S NOT THAT HARD. SOAP.

HOW ABOUT
THE OFFICE STAFF?

GOD, ROBERTA...

AREN'T YOU SENSING
A TREND HERE?

[SIGHS]

YOU'RE MY ASSISTANT.

ASSIST ME AND FINISH
THE LIST YOURSELF.

I DON'T BELIEVE THIS.

"THE MAYOR HAS ANNOUNCED
THAT THIS YEAR'S

"GOOD GUY
OF THE YEAR AWARD

"IS BEING PRESENTED
TO JOHN JOYCE.

"JOYCE FOUNDED THE CENTRAL
VALLEY FOOD PANTRY

AND MEALS ON WHEELS
PROGRAM."

DID I TELL YOU
I USED TO DATE THIS GUY?

YEAH, YOU'VE MENTIONED IT
A FEW TIMES.

I'M SURE HE TALKS A LOT MORE
ABOUT ME THAN I TALK ABOUT HIM.

I HAVE A FEELING HE NEVER
REALLY GOT OVER OUR BREAKUP.

WHY HE'D RATHER SPEND TIME WITH
SMELLY OLD HOMELESS PEOPLE THAN ME,

I'LL NEVER KNOW.

WHATEVER.

CAN YOU IMAGINE ME
LADLING SOUP

TO SOME GUY THAT LIVES
OUT OF A SHOPPING CART?

NOT REALLY.

SPEAKING OF SHOPPING,

WHAT ARE YOU WAITING FOR?
GO SHOP.

UM, WELL, I'M JUST GONNA GO
PICK UP LILY FROM THE SITTER,

AND I'LL GET
RIGHT ON IT.

LILY THIS, LILY THAT.

REMEMBER WHO PAYS
YOUR SALARY, MS. TIMMONS--

ME OR THAT 10-YEAR-OLD
DAUGHTER OF YOURS?

CAROL, WE NEED YOU
OUT ON SET

TO GO OVER
A COUPLE OF THINGS.

WE GO LIVE AT 3:00.

LOOK,
IT WASN'T MY IDEA

TO DO A LIVE
CHRISTMAS EVE SHOW.

IT WAS HAL'S.
IN FACT, I HATE THAT IDEA.

SO GO OUT THERE AND TELL THAT
EXECUTIVE PRODUCER OF OURS

I'LL BE OUT
WHEN I'M GOOD AND READY.

OK. GOT IT.

UH, AT THE END
OF THE SHOW,

WE'RE GONNA BRING OUT
A GROUP OF FOSTER KIDS

AND GIVE THEM A CHRISTMAS
LIKE THEY'VE NEVER HAD.

WE GOT BIKES,
TOYS, VIDEO GAMES,

ALL SORTS OF STUFF.

DON'T THOSE MARINES
OR FIREMEN

COLLECT TOYS
FOR THOSE KIDS?

WHY ARE WE
SPENDING THE MONEY?

IT'S CHRISTMAS.

OH, BAH, HUMBUG.

NO ONE EVER DID
ANYTHING LIKE THAT FOR ME

WHEN I WAS A KID.

JIMMY!

WHEN I GET OUT ON SET,
I DON'T WANT TO SEE ONE TOY.

YOU GOT THAT?

GOT IT.

[SIGHS]

ALWAYS KEEP THEM WAITING.

THAT'S WHAT YOU TAUGHT ME,
AUNT MARLA.

YOU GOTTA SHOW 'EM
WHO'S BOSS.

ONLY WAY
THEY'LL RESPECT YOU.

WHY MORGAN MADDOX?

SHE DOESN'T EXACTLY SCREAM CHRISTMAS,
DOES SHE?

MORGAN'S A GOOD GUEST
FOR THE HOLIDAY SHOW.

SHE ALWAYS
HAS GREAT STORIES

ABOUT THE CHARITIES
SHE WORKS WITH.

'TIS THE SEASON.

FOR THE PAST FEW YEARS,
SHE'S HELPED

SERVE CHRISTMAS MEALS
AT A SHELTER.

YEAH.

WELL, SHE'S HAD A LOT OF
FREE TIME ON HER HANDS

EVER SINCE MY SHOW,
THE TILLYS OF BEL AIR

KNOCKED HER PATHETIC SHOW
OFF THE SCHEDULE.

NOW, THAT'S
A GOOD STORY.

CAROL...
WE ALSO HAVE A, UM,

SPECIAL GUEST.

WHAT KIND
OF "SPECIAL GUEST"?

SOMEONE HAL BOOKED.

[SCOFFS]

THE WORLD'S
LARGEST SANTA CLAUS.

OH, MY GOD.

WHAT DO YOU THINK?
HE'S IMMENSE.

ARE YOU KIDDING ME?

EVERYBODY LOVES
JOLLY OLD ST. NICK.

YOU DON'T GET
ANY JOLLIER THAN THAT.

LOOK AT HIM.
HE'S GOT NO LAP, HAL.

WHERE ARE THE KIDS
SUPPOSED TO SIT?

HO HO HO HO.
THAT'S GOOD.

USE THAT
WHEN YOU INTERVIEW HIM.

NO. I'M NOT
INTERVIEWING HIM.

WELL, I'M THE EXECUTIVE PRODUCER
OF THE SHOW, AND I SAY YOU ARE.

HE'S A JOKE!
YEAH, YEAH--

A JOKE THAT EVERYBODY'S
GONNA TALK ABOUT.

LOOK, IF MARLA
WAS STILL AROUND,

YOU WOULDN'T BE
GETTING AWAY WITH THIS!

IF MARLA WAS STILL AROUND,
THERE'D BE 2 OF THEM.

FINE. LIKE ANYONE'S
GONNA BELIEVE

ONLY 8 REINDEER COULD
PULL THAT GUY AROUND.

ANOTHER GOOD ONE.

IS ANYONE WRITING
THIS STUFF DOWN?

SIS.

IT'LL BE ALL RIGHT.
DON'T WORRY.

NOW, SANTA,
WHAT WE'RE GONNA DO HERE WITH YOU TODAY,

IS WE'RE GONNA
HAVE A NICE...

CAN YOU BELIEVE THEM?
THEY WANT ME TO SIT ONSTAGE

WITH SOME FAT SANTA.

OHH! UHH!

YOU KNOW,
IT WOULD BE A SHAME

TO HAVE TO GO HOME
AND TELL YOUR FAMILY

THAT YOU LOST YOUR JOB ON CHRISTMAS EVE,
WOULDN'T IT?

PICK ALL THIS UP. NOW.

COME ON.

I FIGURED YOU'D SHOW UP.

YOU ALWAYS DO
AROUND THE HOLIDAYS.

WHAT'D YOU GET
YOUR LITTLE SISTER?

ACTUALLY, THOSE ARE
FROM LINDSEY AND TYLER

FOR THEIR AUNT CAROL.

WHAT IS THIS?

A ROCK.

IT'S NOT JUST A ROCK.
IT'S A PAPERWEIGHT.

TYLER MADE IT IN PRESCHOOL
ESPECIALLY FOR YOU.

LOOK, "MERRY CHRISTMAS
TO AUNT CAROL."

OK, WHAT ELSE?

OH, A ROCK HOLDER.

NO, IT'S A JEWELRY BOX.

LINDSEY WROTE "AUNT CAROL'S JEWELRY BOX"
ALL BY HERSELF.

AND, LOOK, SHE EVEN
LINED IT IN FELT.

WOW.

THEY MADE THOSE.

WELL...

I GUESS IT'S THE THOUGHT
THAT COUNTS, ISN'T IT?

DO TELL THEM THANK YOU.

[RINGING]

HI.

CHRISTMAS EVE, HONEY.

WON'T BE LONG
UNTIL SANTA'S HERE.

WHEN DOES YOUR
CHRISTMAS START?

SOON. I JUST HAVE A LITTLE
MORE WORK TO DO FOR CAROL.

HOW COME YOU SPEND MORE
TIME DOING THINGS FOR CAROL

THAN YOU DO WITH ME?

IT'S MY JOB,
SWEETHEART.

[SIGHS]

I ALSO CAME BY
TO INVITE YOU

TO CHRISTMAS EVE
DINNER TONIGHT.

THANKS.
I DON'T THINK SO.

CAROL, I MEAN,
THIS IS THE SAME THING EVERY YEAR.

I INVITE YOU.
YOU DON'T COME.

COME ON. THE KIDS WOULD
REALLY LOVE TO SEE YOU.

SORRY. BUSY.

CAROL, MOM AND DAD
AREN'T WITH US ANYMORE.

WE'RE THE ONLY FAMILY
WE HAVE LEFT,

AND CHRISTMAS IS
A TIME FOR FAMILIES.

YOU HAVE OWN FAMILY NOW,

AND I LOST MINE
A LONG TIME AGO.

I REALLY WISH YOU
WOULDN'T BE THIS WAY.

MERRY CHRISTMAS, HONEY.

YEAH. WHATEVER.

HOW ABOUT THIS?

WHY DON'T WE GO
GET SOME ICE CREAM

BEFORE WE HEAD BACK
TO THE STUDIO?

[CELL PHONE RINGING]
AY-YI-YI.

HELLO?

YOU'RE NOT BACK.

I'M ALMOST FINISHED.

Carol: FINE.
BEFORE YOU GET BACK,

CAN YOU PICK UP A COUPLE OF
PRESENTS FOR MY NIECE AND NEPHEW?

NO PROBLEM.
WHAT DO YOU WANT ME TO GET THEM?

HOW SHOULD I KNOW?
YOU'RE THE ONE WITH A KID.

GET SOMETHING
A KID WOULD LIKE.

I'LL TAKE CARE OF IT.

AND DON'T SPEND
MORE THAN 20 BUCKS EACH.

GOT IT?
GOT IT.

MAKE IT QUICK.
I NEED YOU HERE.

[BEEPS]

NO ICE CREAM, HUH?

NOT TODAY.

BUT I PROMISE I'LL MAKE IT UP TO YOU,
OK?

IN THE MEANTIME,

I HAVE A VERY SPECIAL
ASSIGNMENT

THAT I DON'T THINK
I CAN DO WITHOUT YOU.

SURE. WHAT DO YOU
NEED ME TO DO?

HELP ME PICK OUT
SOME AWESOME TOYS

FOR CAROL'S
NIECE AND NEPHEW?

OK. HOW MUCH?
20 BUCKS.

I DON'T KNOW HOW AWESOME
THEY'LL BE FOR 20 BUCKS,

BUT WE'LL TRY OUR BEST.

NO. NO.

DISGUSTING.
NASTY.

NEVER. UHH!

ARE THESE ALL MY CHOICES?

JIMMY--
HOW ABOUT THESE?

I'M NOT TALKING TO YOU!
THIS IS IT?

I THOUGHT
THEY WERE NICE.

NICE?

NICE IS FOR HOUSEWIVES
AND GRADE-SCHOOL TEACHERS.

I WANT TO LOOK FABULOUS.

WELL, FABULOUS
WILL HAVE TO WAIT

FOR THE NEW YEAR'S SHOW.

FINE.

WHICH ONE
DO YOU LIKE?

WELL, THE RED ONE
WITH THE SNOWMAN.

IT JUST SAYS
CHRISTMAS.

I'LL WEAR THE GREEN.

I WOULDN'T BE CAUGHT DEAD
IN THAT ONE.

GO. GO.

HOW LONG TILL THE SHOW?

WELL, WE HAVE LUNCH,
TECHNICAL RUN-THROUGH,

AND THEN THE AUDIENCE IN
A LITTLE OVER 3 HOURS.

FINE.

I'M GOING TO LIE DOWN,

AND DON'T DISTURB ME
UNTIL IT'S TIME.

OH! SORRY!

YOU AGAIN.

IF I SEE YOU
ONE MORE TIME TODAY,

YOU'RE FIRED!

DO YOU UNDERSTAND THAT?

CAROL, HE UNDERSTANDS YOU
PERFECTLY.

DON'T YOU?

THERE'S NO PROBLEM HERE.

Crew member:
SORRY, JIMMY.

YOU CAN'T
LET HER FIRE ME.

WHAT ARE YOU
ALL LOOKING AT?

GET BACK TO WORK,

UNLESS YOU WANT
TO JOIN THIS KLUTZ

ON THE SOON-TO-BE
UNEMPLOYED LINE.

THAT'S A LOT
OF COOKIES.

TAKE IT FROM AN EXPERT,

THE TREES ARE MUCH BETTER
THAN THE CANDY CANES.

[GIGGLES]

I THINK YOU'RE GONNA BE VERY
HAPPY WITH THAT CHOICE.

I ALREADY AM.

HEY.
Roberta: HI.

HOW'S IT GOING?

OK, I GUESS.
CHRISTMAS WITH CAROL

IS NOT THE MOST
WONDERFUL TIME OF YEAR.

WELL, WORKING FOR CAROL,

THERE IS NO MOST WONDERFUL
TIME OF THE YEAR.

NO, I'LL GET INTO
THE HOLIDAY SPIRIT

ONCE I'M DONE
WITH HER

AND I CAN
FOCUS ON LILY.

WELL, WE'RE STILL GOING
TO THE CHRISTMAS TREE LOT

AFTER THE SHOW, RIGHT?

I CAN'T WAIT.

I'M GONNA GET YOU GUYS
THE BIGGEST TREE

THEY HAVE LEFT.

I REALLY APPRECIATE ALL
YOU DO FOR US, JIMMY,

BUT LILY AND I ARE GONNA
BUY A TREE WE CAN AFFORD.

I'LL LET YOU BUY
YOUR OWN TREE.

BUT I CAN STILL GET
YOU GUYS A PRESENT

TO PUT UNDER THE TREE,
RIGHT?

WELL...

LET HIM, MOM.

I HAVE TO GET
BACK TO CAROL.

MOM, I WANT TO COME!

Jimmy: HEY, LILY.

MAYBE WE
SHOULD STAY HERE

AND SEE IF WE CAN'T
DO SOME MORE DAMAGE

TO THIS
COOKIE PLATE.

SOUNDS GOOD TO ME.

[MOUTHS WORDS]

YOU GONNA SHARE
THIS WITH ME?

[KNOCK ON DOOR]

ARE YOU ALONE?

YES, MA'AM.

Carol: GOOD.

I DIDN'T REALIZE
IT WAS BRING

THE TINY TIMMONS
TO WORK DAY.

YOU KNOW, I DIDN'T THINK
IT WOULD BE A PROBLEM,

IT BEING THE CHRISTMAS SHOW
AND ALL.

WELL, YOU THOUGHT WRONG.

LOOK, IT'S NOT
THAT I HATE KIDS.

WELL, NOT EXACTLY
FOND OF THEM.

BUT HER BEING HERE
KEEPS YOU FROM GIVING ME

YOUR UNDIVIDED
ATTENTION.

THAT'S
NOT ACCEPTABLE, OK?

I'M SORRY.

APOLOGY ACCEPTED.

HERE'S YOUR TEA,

AND I'LL JUST WRAP UP
THESE GIFTS,

AND I'LL BE ON MY WAY.

I WANT TO REST NOW.

BUT IF I DON'T
WRAP THE PRESENTS,

YOU WON'T HAVE ANYTHING
TO HAND OUT AFTER THE SHOW.

WELL, YOU SHOULDN'T HAVE
WAITED TILL THE LAST MINUTE.

BUT WE JUST FINISHED
THE LISTS--

YOU CAN WRAP THEM
AFTER THE SHOW

AND DELIVER THEM
LATER ON.

IT'S CHRISTMAS EVE.

I'M SUPPOSED TO BE
SPENDING IT WITH LILY.

YOU WILL...

DELIVERING GIFTS.

YOU'RE THE BOSS.

THAT'S RIGHT.

NOW,
I WANT TO GET A NAP IN BEFORE THE SHOW.

DON'T WAKE ME
TILL 3:00.

OK.

P.A.: ELECTRIC, LINE 2.
PLEASE PICK UP.

SOMEBODY FROM ELECTRIC,
PICK UP LINE 2.

[SIGHS]
IT'S GOTTEN SO BAD,

YOU HAVE TO HOLD
THEIR HAND EVERY MINUTE.

[WIND HOWLING]

FIRE! FIRE!

WHY DIDN'T ANYONE WAKE ME?

I'M ONLY THE STAR
OF THE FRIGGIN' SHOW!

Woman, echoing:
CAROL CARTMAN.

CAROL CARTMAN.

CAROL CARTMAN.

WHAT'S THE MATTER,
YOU DON'T RECOGNIZE

YOUR FAVORITE AUNT?

WHAT?

[CHAINS RATTLING]

WHOA.

AUNT MARLA?
IS THAT YOU?

THE ONE AND ONLY.
[SNAPS FINGERS]

SORRY. I DIDN'T
RECOGNIZE YOU.

THANKS.

WELL, YOU DO LOOK
KIND OF PALE.

I'M DEAD.
YOU'D LOOK PALE, TOO.

WHEEEEE!

I'M HERE
TO HELP YOU, LOVEY.

EXCUSE ME?

NOW LISTEN CAREFULLY.

I'M DOOMED TO WANDER
THE EARTH LIKE THIS

BECAUSE OF
ALL THE ILL WILL

I SPREAD
WHEN I WAS ALIVE.

ILL WILL?

MY MISTREATMENT OF OTHERS.

I'M HERE TO WARN YOU,
CAROL CARTMAN

AND TO SPARE YOU
A SIMILAR FATE.

YOU TAUGHT ME
HOW TO TREAT OTHERS.

HELLO! AM I NOT
MAKING MYSELF CLEAR?

[ECHOING]
I WAS WRONG!

ABOUT WHAT?

ABOUT EVERYTHING.

I PUSHED YOU AND PUSHED
YOU AND PUSHED YOU

AND PUSHED YOU
AND TURNED YOU INTO--

WELL, ME.

YOU MADE ME A STAR.

I HAD ANOTHER WORD IN MIND,
BUT IT RHYMES WITH "RICH."

[GASPS]

LOOK, SURE,
WE HAD SOME GOOD TIMES.

I MEAN THE MONEY,
THE HOUSES,

THE EXTRAVAGANT
LIFESTYLE.

YOU MAKE IT SOUND
SO HORRIBLE.

THE ONLY THING
HORRIBLE ABOUT IT

WAS HOW WE DID IT.

WE DID IT AT THE EXPENSE
OF FRIENDS, OF FAMILY,

OF LOVE.

WELL, IT'S TOO LATE
FOR ME, CAROL,

BUT IT'S NOT
TOO LATE FOR YOU.

YOU STILL HAVE TIME
TO CHANGE YOUR WAYS,

TO SAVE YOURSELF,
TO REDEEM YOUR LIFE.

BE NICE.

WHAT?
[SCOFFS]

NO, THIS--

THIS GOES AGAINST EVERYTHING
THAT YOU TAUGHT ME.

I KNOW.
I KNOW.

EVERYTHING I DID
FOR YOU WAS WRONG,

WHICH IS WHY
I'M HERE TO WARN YOU.

YOU'RE BEING GIVEN
A GIFT, CAROL.

YOU WILL BE VISITED
BY 3 SPIRITS.

THE FIRST,
AT THE STROKE OF 12:00.

[ECHOING]
THE STROKE OF 12:00!

12.

Marla: 12.

HEED MY WARNING.

HEED MY WARNING.

[ECHOING]
HEED MY WARNING.

Marla: HEED MY WARNING.

HEED MY WARNING.

HEED MY WARNING.

HEED MY...

SO THEN SHE SAID
SHE NEEDED 3 MORE.

QUICK!

Crew member: OW!

P.A.: JIMMY
TO CRAFT SERVICE, PLEASE.

JIMMY TO CRAFT SERVICE.

P.A.: ART DEPARTMENT,
DELIVERY AT THE OFFICE.

ART DEPARTMENT, YOU HAVE
A DELIVERY AT THE OFFICE.

BETTER SAFE THAN SORRY.

WHAT DID ROBERTA
PUT IN THAT TEA?

TOO WEIRD.

OH, TOO WEIRD.

[WIND HOWLING]

[RADIO PLAYING JINGLE BELLS
INSTRUMENTAL]

I ALWAYS LOVED THAT SONG.

WHO ARE YOU?

I'M THE GHOST
OF CHRISTMAS PAST.

DIDN'T AUNT MARLA
TELL YOU I WAS COMING?

NO, NO, NO, NO.

I RECOGNIZE YOU.

YOU'RE THE GUY THAT USED
TO HAVE THAT TV SHOW

WHEN YOU WERE A KID.

LITTLE PETE.

YEAH. I USED TO
WATCH THAT SHOW.

YOU'RE A FAN?

I SAID I WATCHED IT.
I DIDN'T SAY I LIKED IT.

HOW LONG DID THAT
TILLYS SHOW OF YOURS RUN?

5 YEARS.

MINE RAN FOR 7 YEARS,

SO DROP THE ATTITUDE.

WHATEVER HAPPENED TO YOU?

I GREW UP.

WELL-- HEH.
I GREW OLDER.

THERE'S NOT MUCH WORK
FOR A MIDDLE-AGED ACTOR

WHOSE EVEN TOO SMALL
TO BE A JOCKEY.

BUT ENOUGH ABOUT ME.

WE'RE HERE
TO TALK ABOUT YOU.

THAT'S OK.
NOT NECESSARY.

I SAID THE SAME THING,
BUT I GOT OVERRULED.

IT WAS A CLOSE VOTE,
THOUGH.

ALL THAT MATTERS IS
YOU'VE BEEN GIVEN

A GREAT GIFT,
MS. CARTMAN.

LOOK, I'M A LITTLE BUSY,
SO...

[THUNDER]

[BOOMING VOICE] TOO BUSY TO SAVE
YOUR SOUL FROM ETERNAL DAMNATION?!

OK, YEAH.
MAYBE I CAN GIVE YOU A COUPLE MINUTES.

THAT THUNDER THING
ALWAYS WORKS.

TAKE MY HAND,
CAROL CARTMAN.

WHY?

IN ORDER
TO ALTER YOUR FUTURE,

WE MUST GO BACK
TO YOUR PAST.

PLEASE TAKE MY HAND.

COME. COME ON.

COME ON...
LEFT...

RIGHT...
THAT'S IT.

WE HAVE A LOT
OF WORK TO DO.

[RECORD PLAYER PLAYING HARK!
THE HERALD ANGELS SING INSTRUMENTAL]

OH, MY GOD!

Carol:
THAT'S GRANNY GRESHWALK.

THAT'S MY
THIRD-GRADE TEACHER!

HI, MRS. GRESHWALK.

Christmas past:
OH, SHE CAN'T HEAR YOU.

WE'RE JUST SPIRITS VISITING
THE SHADOWS OF YOUR PAST.

IT'S ME.

[DOOR OPENS]

SORRY I'M LATE!

LOVEY...

WOULD YOU COME HERE
FOR A MINUTE?

WHAT ARE YOU HOLDING?

MYRRH?!

OUTRAGEOUS.

THE LEAST THAT OLD BAG
COULD'VE DONE

WAS GIVE YOU THE GOLD.

MYRRH.

THIS IS AN INSULT
I WILL NOT STAND FOR.

I'D LIKE A MOMENT
OF YOUR TIME.

Marla: UGH, I CAN'T
BELIEVE THIS.

Christmas past: QUITE A CHARACTER,
THAT AUNT MARLA.

SHE WAS THE ONLY ONE
WHO BELIEVED IN ME.

WITH HER AS AN EXAMPLE,

I CAN SEE WHY
WE'RE HERE TODAY.

WHAT IS THAT
SUPPOSED TO MEAN?

JUST WATCH.

Marla: I WILL CONTINUE
TO FUND THE SCHOOL.

ALL RIGHT?
IS EVERYBODY HAPPY?

Carol: WHAT IS
SHE SO SAD ABOUT?

I WAS TWICE THE VIRGIN MARY
SHE COULD HAVE BEEN.

YOU'RE RIGHT. BUT THAT LITTLE
GIRL'S MOTHER DIED THE YEAR BEFORE.

MS. GRESHWALK WAS JUST TRYING
TO GIVE HER A PROMINENT ROLE

TO RAISE HER SPIRITS
A LITTLE.

OH.

GOOD NEWS, SWEETIE.

YOU'RE GOING TO BE
THE VIRGIN MARY.

BUT, AUNT MARLA,

THERESA'S SUPPOSED
TO BE THE VIRGIN MARY,

AND...

SHE'S CRYING.

OH, DON'T WORRY
ABOUT THAT.

BETTER SHE LEARNS ABOUT
DISAPPOINTMENT EARLY IN LIFE.

BUT I DON'T EVEN
KNOW THE PART.

SO, WE'LL WORK ON IT
AFTER SCHOOL TODAY

FOR AS LONG
AS IT TAKES.

BUT THERE'S A CHRISTMAS
PARTY AFTER SCHOOL.

YOU'LL HAVE PLENTY OF TIME
FOR OTHER PARTIES, KIDDO.

YOU DO WHAT I SAY,

AND YOUR WHOLE LIFE
WILL BE A PARTY.

I DON'T KNOW.

LISTEN TO ME.

I DIDN'T WANT
TO TELL YOU THIS,

BUT YOUR MOTHER
AND FATHER TOLD ME

THAT IF YOU DIDN'T
GET THE LEAD

IN THE SCHOOL PLAY
THIS TIME,

THAT THEY WERE NOT
GOING TO ALLOW YOU

TO CONTINUE
YOUR ACTING LESSONS.

MOMMY AND DADDY
WOULDN'T DO THAT.

OH, YES, THEY WOULD.

NOW,
THEY DON'T BELIEVE IN YOU THE WAY I DO.

THEY THINK IT'S A WASTE
OF TIME AND MONEY

TO ALLOW YOU TO
PURSUE YOUR DREAMS.

THEY DO?

NOW, YOU ARE GOING TO BE
THE BEST VIRGIN MARY,

AND YOU ARE GOING TO GO UP
THERE AND PROVE TO EVERYONE

JUST HOW SPECIAL
YOU REALLY ARE.

OK? GO. SKEDADDLE.

SO, YOU WERE THE BIG HIT
THE NIGHT OF THE PLAY.

I WAS GREAT.

GOT A STANDING
OVATION.

YOU LIKED THAT.

LIKED IT?
I LOVED IT.

Carol: BUT THE OTHER KIDS
DIDN'T LIKE WHAT HAPPENED.

WELL, I'M SURE
YOU MUST'VE MADE

YOUR PARENTS
VERY PROUD.

[SCOFFS]
THEY DIDN'T COME.

THEY WERE WORKING.

SOUNDS TO ME LIKE THEY
WERE BUSY PROVIDING YOU

WITH THE MEANS
TO PURSUE YOUR DREAMS.

LOOK, AUNT MARLA
WAS THE ONLY ONE

WHO WAS ALWAYS
THERE FOR ME.

AND SHE WAS RIGHT TO
FORCE MRS. GRESHWALK

TO MAKE ME
THE VIRGIN MARY.

IF IT WAS UP
TO MY PARENTS,

I WOULD'VE BEEN
THAT LOUSY MYRRH GUY.

THEY WERE NEVER THERE
FOR ME THE WAY SHE WAS.

LOOK,
THEY WERE ONLY TRYING TO MAKE YOU HAPPY,

TO HELP YOU SUCCEED.

YOU KNOW, THEY SACRIFICED
A LOT TO MAKE THAT HAPPEN.

YEAH. LIKE WHAT?

WELL, LIKE LETTING THE
DAUGHTER THEY LOVED DEARLY

GO OFF AND SPEND
MORE TIME WITH HER AUNT

THAN WITH THEM.

THAT SOUNDS
PRETTY UNSELFISH TO ME.

SO, DO YOU REMEMBER
THIS PLACE?

HOW COULD
I FORGET IT?

THE KNOLLWOOD
COMMUNITY PLAYHOUSE.

IT'S WHERE I HAD MY FIRST
PROFESSIONAL ACTING JOB.

Carol: IT WAS ALL PART
OF AUNT MARLA'S PLAN.

SHE'D GET ME IN SMALL
THEATERS WITH BIG PARTS,

AND THEN SHE'D
GET ME NOTICED.

AH.

I SEE ONE THING
SHE HADN'T PLANNED ON.

Carol, whispering: So, then I'll wait
for him to cross me, yeah.

That feels better.
I think so.

I think--

THAT WAS THE FIRST TIME I
LAID EYES ON JOHN JOYCE.

HE CAME TO PICK UP
SOME OLD COSTUMES

THE THEATER WAS DONATING

TO THE HOMELESS SHELTER
HE WORKED AT.

MY FRIEND BRIDGET

KNEW HIM
FROM THE SHELTER.

SHE INTRODUCED US.

LOOKS LIKE YOU TWO
REALLY HIT IT OFF.

YOU THINK?

HE ASKED ME OUT
THAT DAY.

[SIGHS]

AND A LOT OF DAYS
AFTER THAT.

[SONG BEGINS]

♪ WHAT'S THE SENSE
IN HOLDING ON? ♪

♪ WHEN I CAN LET GO,
I CAN LET GO ♪

♪ WHAT'S THE USE
IN GOING OUT ♪

♪ WHEN IT'S NOTHING
BUT SNOW, JUST SNOW? ♪

♪ EVERYONE THAT PASSES BY

♪ NEVER FELT THE WAY
I FEEL RIGHT NOW ♪

♪ YOU ONLY GET ONE CHANCE,
AND IF YOU LET IT GO ♪

♪ YOU LET IT GO

♪ I COULD FLY ANYWHERE

♪ BUT THIS IS
WHERE I LAND ♪

♪ YOU COULD
JUST TAKE HIGHWAY 1 ♪

♪ AND STOP
TO SMELL THE SAND ♪

♪ IT'S ANOTHER LIFE
WE PLANNED ♪

♪ AND HERE I AM

[SONG ENDS]

[BIRDS CHIRPING]

I NEVER MET ANYONE
QUITE LIKE YOU.

REALLY?

REALLY.

MY WHOLE LIFE,
SOMEONE'S BEEN

TELLING ME
WHAT TO DO,

WHAT CLASS TO TAKE,
WHAT SHOW TO BE IN.

LET ME GUESS.
AUNT MARLA.

YOU'RE THE FIRST PERSON
WHO HAS EVER ASKED ME

WHAT I WANT TO DO,
WHAT I CARE ABOUT.

AND NO ONE'S EVER ASKED
ME TO HELP SERVE SOUP

TO PEOPLE WHO HAVEN'T
EATEN IN DAYS.

FEELS PRETTY GOOD,
DOESN'T IT?

NOT BAD.

COME HERE.

THERE'S SOMETHING ELSE
THAT I WANT TO ASK YOU.

[PAGER BEEPING]

OH.

OH, MY GOD.
LOOK WHAT TIME IT IS.

I HAVE TO GET
TO THE THEATER.

CAROL, I--

I'M SORRY.
CAN IT WAIT?

TONIGHT THERE'S A CHRISTMAS
PARTY AFTER THE SHOW.

I'D LIKE YOU
TO COME WITH ME.

THEN AFTER THAT,
WE'LL HAVE THE REST

OF THE NIGHT
TO OURSELVES.

YEAH. SURE, OK.

GREAT.

I DIDN'T KNOW.

WHAT WOULD
YOU HAVE SAID?

Man: HAVE YOU SEEN HER?

Second man:
COME ON, HURRY UP.

WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN?

I'M SORRY.
WE WERE OUT.

DON'T WORRY.
I'LL BE READY.

YOU'D BETTER BE.

THIS IS A BIG NIGHT,
SWEETIE.

THIS COULD BE THE NIGHT
WE'VE BEEN WAITING FOR.

WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?

SHH! I'LL TELL YOU
AFTER THE SHOW.

BUT TONIGHT YOU'VE GOT
TO BE NOT JUST GOOD,

BUT GREAT.

I'M GREAT EVERY NIGHT.

I'LL SEE YOU
AFTER THE SHOW.

Marla:
YOU'VE BEEN SPENDING

A LOT OF TIME
WITH MY NIECE.

YOUR NIECE IS SPENDING
A LOT OF TIME WITH ME.

I JUST DON'T WANT TO SEE YOU GET HURT,
THAT'S ALL.

[CHUCKLES]
I'M A BIG BOY.

IT'S NEVER GONNA
WORK OUT, YOU KNOW.

ARE YOU
SURE OF THAT?

OH, YES.
I KNOW CAROL.

SHE NEEDS TO BE
IN THE SPOTLIGHT.

WHAT CAN YOU
OFFER HER?

THE CHANCE
TO HAND OUT A BLANKET

TO SOME GUY WHO LIVES
IN A REFRIGERATOR BOX?

THERE ARE WORSE
THINGS IN LIFE.

YEAH, TO BE THE GUY LIVING
IN THE REFRIGERATOR BOX.

[LAUGHS]

ENJOY YOUR TIME WITH HER
WHILE IT LASTS.

YOU'RE NOTHING MORE
THAN A BRIEF STOPOVER

ON OUR WAY
TO THE TOP.

ARE YOU SO CRUEL THAT YOU'D
MAKE HER CHOOSE BETWEEN US?

MERRY CHRISTMAS.

TOUGH LADY.

Marla: COME ON,
LET'S GET BACK TO WORK.

SHE WAS ONLY TRYING
TO PROTECT ME.

SHE DIDN'T KNOW
WHAT JOHN AND I HAD.

DID YOU?

AUNT MARLA ONLY WANTED
WHAT WAS BEST FOR ME.

I COULD TELL.

THAT "OUR WAY TO THE TOP"
WAS A DEAD GIVEAWAY.

Marla: NOW SHE'S GONE AGAIN?
HAS ANYONE SEEN CAROL?

♪ WELL, IT'S
A CALIFORNIA CHRISTMAS ♪

♪ AND IT'S THE BEST TIME
OF THE YEAR... ♪

HEY, YOU.
HI.

SO, DID YOU
LIKE THE SHOW?

THE SHOW WAS AMAZING.

HOW WAS I?

EHH...

OH, STOP.

FANTASTIC.

OH, THANK YOU!

SO, WHAT'D YOU WANT
TO ASK ME EARLIER?

WELL, WE CAN'T
TALK ABOUT IT HERE.

WE'RE GONNA HAVE TO WAIT
TILL WE'RE ALONE TOGETHER, OK?

WHERE IS
THAT NIECE OF MINE?

IF IT WAS UP TO ME,
100 MILES AWAY FROM YOU.

OH, STOP IT.

I KNOW SHE CAN BE
A LITTLE PUSHY,

BUT SHE GROWS ON YOU.

OH, I'M SURE SHE WILL.

Marla: LOVEY...

YOU WERE FABULOUS.

IT WAS LIKE YOU WERE
THE ONLY ONE ONSTAGE.

WELL, I'M SURE
THE OTHER ACTORS

WILL BE TICKLED
TO HEAR THAT.

CAROL, SWEETIE,

THERE WAS A TALENT AGENT
IN THE AUDIENCE TONIGHT.

YOU SHOULD'VE HEARD HIM
RAVING ABOUT YOU.

HIS NAME IS MEL MURRAY.

HE AND SOME OTHER AGENTS
ARE HAVING DRINKS

AT A BAR
DOWN THE STREET,

AND HE WANTS ME TO BRING
YOU OVER TO MEET HIM.

REALLY?

THAT'S GREAT.

HE LOVED YOU, BABY.

HE SAYS
YOU HAVE REAL TALENT.

I THINK HE WANTS
TO REPRESENT YOU.

JOHN, DID YOU
HEAR THAT?

YEAH, THAT'S--

THAT'S GREAT.

I TOLD HIM
WE'D COME BY

JUST AS SOON
AS YOU WERE CHANGED.

OH, BUT WHAT
ABOUT THE PARTY?

CAROL, THIS IS THE BREAK
YOU'VE BEEN WAITING FOR.

THIS IS WHY I'VE GOT YOU WORKING
IN A HELLHOLE LIKE THIS.

YEAH, BUT MY FRIENDS.

WE'VE BEEN WORKING
REALLY HARD.

AND THERE'LL ALWAYS BE
ANOTHER PARTY, KIDDO.

YOU DO WHAT I SAY,

AND YOUR WHOLE LIFE
WILL BE A PARTY.

COME ON.

WHO CARES ABOUT YOU
MORE THAN I DO, HUH?

OK.

I'LL MEET YOU OUTSIDE.

GREAT.

SWEETHEART, I'M SORRY.

I GOTTA DO THIS.

IT'S WHAT MARLA AND I
HAVE BEEN WORKING FOR

MY ENTIRE LIFE.

WHAT YOU WANTED TO ASK ME EARLIER,
CAN IT WAIT?

I GUESS IT'LL HAVE TO.

THANKS.

I HAD TO GO WITH MARLA.
THIS WAS MY FUTURE.

MAYBE WHAT JOHN
WAS GONNA ASK YOU

WAS YOUR FUTURE.

HE NEVER DID ASK ME.

MAYBE HE'S WAITING
FOR THE OTHER CAROL

HE FELL IN LOVE WITH
TO SHOW UP.

I WONDER IF THAT CAROL
EVER DID SHOW UP AGAIN?

LET'S SEE, SHALL WE?

[DRILL WHIRRING]

ARE WE GOING YET?

THE TILLYS
OF BEL AIR.

EVERYTHING AUNT MARLA
PROMISED CAME TRUE.

I WAS THE STAR
OF MY OWN TV SHOW.

DID YOU ENJOY MAKING ALL THESE
PEOPLE STAND AROUND FOR YOU?

NOT REALLY.
BUT AUNT MARLA SAID,

"ALWAYS KEEP THEM
WAITING.

"YOU GOTTA SHOW 'EM
WHO'S BOSS.

ONLY WAY TO GAIN RESPECT
IN THIS BUSINESS."

DID IT EVER
OCCUR TO YOU

THAT AUNT MARLA
COULD BE WRONG?

WELL, SHE HADN'T BEEN WRONG
ABOUT ANYTHING UP TO THIS POINT.

NOTHING?

HEY, HOW'S IT GOING?
HEY, MAN.

HI.

HEY.

LADIES, HOW ARE
YOU? GOOD.

PLEASE, CAROL.
EVERYBODY'S WAITING.

LET 'EM WAIT.
IT'S THE ONLY THING

THESE IDIOTS AROUND HERE
ARE ANY GOOD AT.

[SIGHS]

HEY, RICK, HOW'S IT
GOING, BUDDY?

WAITING, AS USUAL.

[GHOST AND CAROL
MATERIALIZE]

HI, SWEETHEART.

HI, HONEY.

HELLO, MARLA.

Carol: HEY, GET IN HERE!

JOHN!

John: HEY, HONEY.
I KNOW YOU GOTTA GET GOING SOON, BUT--

WOW. YOU LOOK GREAT.

WHAT ARE YOU
DOING HERE?

MY MEETING WITH THE CITY
FINISHED EARLY.

MWAH!

WE GOT THAT BUILDING
FOR THE FOOD PANTRY,

AND THE KITCHEN
IS LARGE ENOUGH

THAT WE CAN GET THE MEALS ON
WHEELS PROGRAM GOING AS WELL.

THAT IS GREAT.

YEAH. WHOOPEE.

SO, I WAS THINKING MAYBE
WE COULD GO OUT TONIGHT

AND CELEBRATE, YOU KNOW?

JUST YOU AND ME.

SHE CAN'T. SHE'S GOT
AN INTERVIEW LATER ON,

AND THEN SHE HAS TO
GO TO A SCREENING.

CAN YOU SKIP THIS ONE SCREENING,
CAROL, PLEASE?

THIS IS A BIG DEAL
FOR ME.

WELL, BEING SEEN
AT A SCREENING

IS A BIG DEAL
FOR HER, TOO.

THEY FORGET ABOUT YOU
IN THIS BUSINESS

QUICKER THAN YOU
CAN TURN AROUND.

IT'S PRETTY SELFISH OF YOU TO
BE THINKING ONLY OF YOURSELF.

TSK TSK TSK TSK!

I'M SORRY, HON.
AUNT MARLA'S RIGHT.

PART OF BEING A
CELEBRITY IS BEING SEEN.

MARLA, WILL YOU GIVE US
A MINUTE, PLEASE?

IT'S OK.

OK. I'LL JUST GO CHECK

ON YOUR LOW-FAT MEAL
FOR LUNCH,

AND THEN I'LL COME BACK,
AND I'LL GET YOU

WHEN IT'S TIME
TO GO TO THE SET.

OK.

WHEN IT'S TIME?

CAROL, EVERYONE IS
OUT THERE STANDING AROUND,

WAITING FOR YOU NOW.

I KNOW.

BUT AUNT MARLA SAYS THE
LONGER YOU MAKE THEM WAIT,

THE MORE
THEY RESPECT YOU.

AND YOU BELIEVE HER?

WELL,
OF COURSE I DO.

I WOULDN'T BE WHERE
I AM WITHOUT HER.

OK. AND WHAT HAVE YOU
HAD TO GIVE UP?

NOTHING. I'VE
GIVEN UP NOTHING.

YOU'RE WRONG.

CAROL, YOU'RE NOT THE SAME
PERSON THAT I FELL IN LOVE WITH.

THAT'S RIGHT.
I'M A STAR NOW.

AND MAYBE THAT'S WHAT YOU'RE
REALLY HAVING A PROBLEM WITH.

AUNT MARLA TOLD ME.

WHAT? WHAT DID
AUNT MARLA TELL YOU?

THAT I'M JEALOUS OF YOUR
FAME AND YOUR MONEY?

WELL, AT LEAST I'M NOT
LIVING IN A DREAM WORLD,

THINKING I CAN REALLY
MAKE A DIFFERENCE.

IS THAT HOW YOU
REALLY THINK OF ME?

I DON'T THINK
I CAN DO THIS ANYMORE.

DO WHAT?

I KEEP WAITING FOR THE CAROL
THAT I FELL IN LOVE WITH

TO SHOW UP AGAIN.

I'M STARTING TO BELIEVE
THAT SHE'S GONE FOREVER.

I SUPPOSE IT JUST TOOK ME
A LONG TIME TO REALIZE IT.

WHAT ARE YOU SAYING?

I GUESS...

GOOD-BYE.

[DOOR OPENS AND CLOSES]

THAT WAS SO UNFAIR OF HIM
TO MAKE ME CHOOSE.

WHAT DID HE
WANT ME TO DO,

JUST DROP EVERYTHING
AND RUN AFTER HIM?

[SOBBING]

SHE'S ALL YOURS.

YOU KNOW,
I'VE GOTTA ADMIT YOU HUNG AROUND

A LOT LONGER THAN I
THOUGHT YOU WOULD.

BUT-- AND DON'T TAKE
THIS THE WRONG WAY,

GOOD RIDDANCE!

I REALLY DO LOVE HER,
YOU KNOW.

SHE DOESN'T NEED
YOUR LOVE.

AND I WANT
WHAT'S BEST FOR HER.

AND I'M THE ONE WHO KNOWS
WHAT'S BEST FOR HER.

NO, MARLA, YOU ONLY THINK YOU
KNOW WHAT'S BEST FOR HER.

SURE, YOU GOT HER HERE,
BUT NOW WHAT?

YOU GONNA KEEP
PULLING HER STRINGS

FOR THE REST
OF HER LIFE,

OR ARE YOU GONNA
LET HER LIVE A LITTLE,

MAYBE EVEN LET HER
LOVE SOMEONE

OR SOMETHING
OTHER THAN HER CAREER?

I GUESS YOU'RE NOT MAN
ENOUGH TO STICK AROUND

AND FIND OUT,
ARE YOU?

BYE-BYE! HEH HEH!

IF HE HAD LOVED ME,
HE WOULDN'T HAVE LEFT.

POP!

WHAT WAS THAT?

ME BURSTING
YOUR BUBBLE.

COME ON. YOU'RE
GONNA LIKE THIS.

PRIVACY, PLEASE, DRIVER.

YES, SIR.

[SIGHS]

WHAT ARE WE
DOING HERE?

SAME THING WE'VE BEEN
DOING ALL DAY LONG.

WE ARE BUT FLIES
ON THE WALL.

DID YOU HAVE TO PARK SO
CLOSE TO THE STUDIO?

HUMPH! OH, IT'S TOO BAD
THE TILLYS WAS CANCELED.

I THOUGHT FOR SURE IT HAD
A COUPLE MORE YEARS IN IT.

WELL,
ALL GOOD THINGS

MUST COME
TO AN END, RIGHT?

HMM. AND WITH
YOUR BRAINS AND BEAUTY,

DELIVERING QUEEN OF MEAN'S
NO PROBLEM, RIGHT?

OH, WELL,
CAROL WILL DO WHAT WE TELL HER TO DO.

BUT REMEMBER
THE PLAN.

WE EASE HER INTO IT.

YEAH, YEAH. WE LET HER

HAVE HER NICE
LITTLE TALK SHOW

UNTIL SHE GETS
COMFORTABLE WITH IT,

AND THEN WE
GRADUALLY MOVE HER

INTO AN AREA
THAT REALLY SELLS...

FREAKS. HA HA!
HA HA HA!

WELL, YOU ARE GOING
TO BE A PRODUCER

ON THE SHOW, MARLA.
OH!

HEH HEH! IT'S GONNA
MAKE YOU RICH.

THIS IS WHAT I'VE BEEN WORKING
FOR SINCE SHE WAS A KID.

WELL, IT'S NICE
MEETING SOMEONE

WHO ALWAYS PUTS THE WELFARE
OF THEIR CLIENTS FIRST.

HA HA HA!
DAY?

YEAH. WE'RE GONNA
TAKE DAYTIME TV

AND FLIP IT
ON ITS EAR.

I CAN'T BELIEVE SHE WOULD DO
SOMETHING LIKE THAT TO ME.

WELL, LIKE YOU SAID,

SHE'S THE ONLY ONE
THAT ACTUALLY KNEW

WHAT WAS BEST FOR YOU.

SEEMS LIKE SHE KNEW WHAT
WAS BEST FOR HER, TOO.

THAT EXPLAINS
THAT FREAK SANTA

HAL'S TRYING TO PUT
ON THE CHRISTMAS SHOW.

HE'S TRYING
TO MOVE THE SHOW

INTO WHAT HE REALLY
WANTS IT TO BE.

THE PEN, THE PEN.

OH.
THANK YOU.

ALL THAT TIME...

Hal: IT'S GONNA BE GREAT
DOING BUSINESS WITH YOU.

SHE WAS ONLY OUT
FOR HERSELF.

Marla: BYE-BYE.
KISS-KISS.

CIAO!

[CAR DOOR CLOSES]

[CHURCH ORGAN PLAYING]

MARLA'S FUNERAL.

GOOD TURNOUT.

I'M SO SORRY, CAROL.

YOUR AUNT WAS...

AN UNUSUAL WOMAN.

THANKS, HAL.

I KNOW SHE WAS
A TOUGH ONE

FOR OTHER PEOPLE
TO GET ALONG WITH.

OH, MAN, SHE--

SHE HAD MY BEST INTERESTS
AT HEART, THOUGH.

OF COURSE.

BUT, UH, JUST
SO YOU KNOW...

WE'RE GOING TO KEEP
THE SHOW GOING

EXACTLY THE WAY
YOUR AUNT WANTED.

THANKS, HAL.
I APPRECIATE IT.

WHAT A PHONY. PHONY!

YEAH.
I'M JUST AS SHOCKED AS YOU ARE.

SOMEBODY WHO'S
IN SHOW BUSINESS

THAT TURNS OUT
TO BE A PHONY.

HEH.

I WAS SURPRISED THERE WEREN'T
MORE PEOPLE AT HER FUNERAL.

ACTUALLY, FOR HER,
THIS IS GOOD.

WHAT DOES THAT MEAN?

HEY, YOU LIVE
YOUR LIFE

CARING ABOUT NO ONE
BUT YOURSELF,

NO ONE THERE
TO CARE ABOUT YOU.

I'VE SEEN ENOUGH.
TAKE ME BACK.

YEP. YOU LIVE ALONE,
YOU DIE ALONE.

OR MAYBE NOT SO MUCH
ALONE AS SECLUDED,

ISOLATED, DETACHED,
UNLOVED...

TAKE ME BACK.
TAKE ME BACK. TAKE ME BACK!

[DISTORTED LAUGHTER]

Dr. Bob: HO HO HO!

WELL, THAT'S IT
FOR TODAY.

OH, WHAT A DREAM.

AND FOR ANOTHER
YEAR. HO HO HO!

NO MORE
GREEN TEA. EVER.

AND I'M OFF TO ENJOY
THE HOLIDAYS.

AND SO SHOULD YOU. YES!

AND REMEMBER,

THE HOLIDAYS ARE NOT
A TIME TO WALLOW IN PITY.

IT'S A TIME TO CELEBRATE
EVERYTHING YOU HAVE IN LIFE,

TO CELEBRATE AND REMEMBER

ALL THE GOOD THINGS.

HO HO HO!

A VERY MERRY CHRISTMAS
TO YOU ALL.

[TURNS OFF TV]

YOU TELL THEM,
DR. BOB.

YOU TELL THEM WHAT
THEY NEED TO HEAR.

[GHOST MANIFESTS]

OHH!
I'M NOT TALKING TO THEM, CAROL.

I'M TALKING TO YOU.

DR. BOB?

WELL, ANOTHER TIME,
ANOTHER PLACE, DR. BOB.

BUT FOR OUR PURPOSES...

THE GHOST
OF CHRISTMAS PRESENT.

OH. WHY AM I
NOT SURPRISED?

YOU WERE EXPECTING ME?

OH,
I WAS EXPECTING SOMETHING OR SOMEONE,

BUT, NO, NOT YOU.

I BET YOU WEREN'T.

I MEAN, IT MUST BE SCARY
FACED WITH THE PROSPECT

OF SEEING THINGS
AS THEY REALLY ARE.

WHAT WAS IT YOU SAID
ABOUT ME?

UH, TELL THEM WHAT
THEY NEED TO HEAR?

THAT'S IT. WELL, CAROL,

YOU GOTTA FACE
THE MUSIC, LITTLE LADY.

YOU'VE MADE YOUR BED.
NOW YOU GOTTA SLEEP IN IT.

IT'S TIME TO GET OUT
OF YOUR OWN WAY.

DO I ALWAYS SPEAK
IN CLICHES LIKE THAT?

PRETTY MUCH.

YOU'D THINK SOMEONE
WOULD TELL ME

WHAT I NEED
TO HEAR? NO!

"LET'S NOT GET
THE BIG FELLA MAD.

LET'S NOT UPSET THE APPLECART.
LET-- "

I'M DOING IT AGAIN.

YEAH.
I GOTTA WORK ON THAT.

BUT THIS IS
YOUR TIME, CAROL.

LET'S GO.

OHH...

COME ON.

UGH.

COME ON-- OH!

OH!

I JUST
WASHED MY HANDS,

AND I HAVE THIS FUNNY THING
ABOUT TOUCHING PEOPLE.

I KNOW, I KNOW.

IT'S SOMETHING ELSE
I GOTTA WORK ON.

I TELL YOU WHAT.

GRAB A HOLD
OF THIS SANTA SUIT.

IT'S A RENTAL.
IT SHOULD BE OK.

OH! HEH!

OH.

SORRY.

[DOG BARKING]

DON'T TELL ME WE'RE HERE TO
DO A CHRISTMAS DRUG DEAL.

THIS IS WHERE YOUR
ASSISTANT ROBERTA LIVES.

YOU'RE KIDDING.

YEAH, I'M KIDDING.
SHE REALLY LIVES IN BEVERLY HILLS,

AND I JUST LIKE
TO COME DOWN HERE

ON CHRISTMAS EVE
AND HANG OUT.

WE DON'T HAVE TO
GO IN THERE, DO WE?

I MEAN,
LOOK AT THAT PLACE.

YOU JUST KNOW THAT THERE
ARE COCKROACHES IN THERE.

AND RATS.

AND I HATE RATS.

BUT A PERSON HAS TO DO
WHAT A PERSON HAS TO DO.

EVERY JOURNEY BEGINS
WITH THE FIRST STEP,

AND-- I'M DOING IT
AGAIN, AREN'T I?

LET'S GO.

MOMMY, DO YOU THINK

WE'RE EVER GONNA GET A
REALLY BIG CHRISTMAS TREE?

BUT WE'VE ALWAYS HAD A SMALL
CHRISTMAS TREE. IT'S OUR TRADITION.

YEAH, WELL,
I SAY IT'S TIME TO START A NEW TRADITION

WITH A REALLY
BIG TREE.

YOU KNOW WHAT, SWEETIE?
WE CAN'T AFFORD A BIG TREE,

SO WHY DON'T WE STICK
TO OUR TRADITION, OK?

THAT'S OK, MOMMY.

AS LONG
AS WE'RE TOGETHER.

OH, WE'LL ALWAYS
BE TOGETHER, BABE.

I LOVE YOU, MOMMY.

MM!

HOW ARE THOSE
PRESENTS COMING?

ARE YOU SURE YOU
WANT ME TO WRAP THESE?

YOU'RE JUST GONNA
TEAR 'EM APART, ANYWAY.

HEH HEH! THAT'S
HALF THE FUN.

RIGHT. BUT IF I GET
A PAPER CUT,

I'M HOLDING YOU
ACCOUNTABLE.

I DON'T KNOW HOW
I WOULD'VE GOTTEN

ALL OF CAROL'S
PRESENTS DELIVERED

IF IT WASN'T FOR
YOUR HELP. THANK YOU.

WELL, THE SOONER
WE GOT THAT DONE,

THE QUICKER WE COULD GET
OUR OWN CHRISTMAS STARTED.

HEH!
HMM!

OHH.

DO YOU THINK THESE ARE
GONNA FIT UNDER THE TREE?

I THINK THEY WILL FIT
UNDER THE TABLE.

TECHNICALLY,
THEY'LL STILL BE UNDER THE TREE.

HOW COULD THEY
BE SO HAPPY?

LOOK AT THIS PLACE.
THEY HAVE NOTHING.

NOTHING? THEY--
WHAT THEY HAVE

IS MORE VALUABLE
THAN GOLD.

WHY DOESN'T JIMMY
HELP THEM OUT?

HE MAKES
A GOOD LIVING.

WELL, HE'S OFFERED, BUT ROBERTA
DOESN'T WANT TO TAKE CHARITY.

WHAT SHE WANTS
IS TO PROVE

THAT SHE CAN
MAKE IT ON HER OWN,

STAND ON HER OWN 2 FEET,

EARN HER OWN--

DAMN.

THAT'S REALLY
ANNOYING, ISN'T IT?

BUT THE OPERATIVE WORD
IS "EARN."

IF ONLY SOMEONE
WOULD PAY HER

WHAT SHE'S
REALLY WORTH.

[KNOCK ON DOOR]

I WONDER
WHO THAT COULD BE?

MAYBE SANTA'S
A LITTLE BIT EARLY.

Jimmy: HE'S NEVER EARLY.

HERE, LET ME PUT
THIS ONE HERE.

[POLICE SIREN BLARING]

FRANK.

HI, ROBERTA.

WHO'S THAT?

WATCH.

CAN I COME IN?

IS EVERYTHING OK?

THIS IS FRANK.

[CAR ALARM BLARING]

HI, LILY.

I BROUGHT YOU
SOMETHING.

THANK YOU.

HEY, LILY.

WHAT DO YOU SAY WE GO
OVER TO MRS. MARTEL'S

AND GET SOME OF THAT
FAMOUS HOT CHOCOLATE?

THAT'S A GREAT IDEA.

HEH!

WHAT DO YOU WANT, FRANK?

I WANT TO SPEND CHRISTMAS
WITH MY FAMILY.

AND WHAT FAMILY
WOULD THAT BE?

THE FAMILY THAT YOU LEFT
BEFORE LILY WAS EVEN BORN?

LOOK, I ADMIT

I MADE
A FEW BAD CHOICES.

I DON'T KNOW WHAT KIND
OF GUILT THING

YOU HAVE GOING ON HERE,
BUT IT'S TOO LATE.

LOOK AT THIS PLACE,
ROBERTA.

IS THIS ANY WAY
TO BRING UP A CHILD?

WE'RE DOING JUST FINE,
THANK YOU.

ARE YOU? 'CAUSE I
DON'T THINK SO.

AND I WANT TO
GIVE MY DAUGHTER

SOME OF THE THINGS
THAT YOU CAN'T.

YOUR DAUGHTER? YOU HAVE NO RIGHT
TO CALL HER YOUR DAUGHTER.

LOOK, ROBERTA...

I'VE CHANGED.

I'M MARRIED NOW
TO A WONDERFUL WOMAN,

BUT WE CAN'T
HAVE CHILDREN...

SO I WANT TO BE BACK
IN MY DAUGHTER'S LIFE.

I WANT HER TO BE
A PART OF MY FAMILY.

YOU DON'T WANT LILY
IN YOUR LIFE FOR HER SAKE.

YOU WANT LILY
IN YOUR LIFE FOR YOUR SAKE.

I'M SORRY, ROBERTA,

BUT YOU MAY NOT
HAVE A CHOICE.

WHAT'S THIS?

I'M TAKING YOU TO COURT
FOR CUSTODY OF LILY.

I'M GONNA GET HER
OUT OF ALL OF THIS.

WHAT?

YOU'RE JUST
TOO STUBBORN TO SEE

THAT I CAN GIVE HER A
BETTER LIFE THAN YOU CAN.

[POLICE SIREN BLARING]

[DOOR OPENS]

[DOOR CLOSES]

HE CAN'T DO THAT,
CAN HE?

MAYBE.

ONLY THE FUTURE CAN TELL.

AH-CHOO!

POLLEN.

HOW CAN PEOPLE LIVE
WITH SUCH STINKY GRASS

AND FLOWERS
AND TREES?

WAIT A MINUTE.
THIS LOOKS FAMILIAR.

THIS IS MY SISTER
BETH'S HOUSE.

HOW LONG SINCE
YOU BEEN HERE?

TOO LONG.

COME ON,
LET'S TAKE A PEEK.

WHAT ARE YOU
AFRAID OF?

WELL, AFTER WHAT YOU
SHOWED ME AT ROBERTA'S,

WHO KNOWS WHAT YOU'RE
GONNA SHOW ME NEXT.

I'M SHOWING YOU THE
IMPACT THAT YOU HAVE

ON OTHER PEOPLE'S
LIVES.

YOU KNOW, THERE ARE
A LOT OF PEOPLE

WHO GET A GREAT DEAL
OF PLEASURE

OUT OF THE SIMPLE
THINGS IN LIFE,

AND BELIEVE IT
OR NOT,

THEY GET ALONG JUST
FINE WITHOUT YOU.

AH-CHOO!

OH! WHOO!

I'M SORRY.

I PROMISE YOU
I WILL NOT SHOW YOU

ANYTHING BAD
THIS TIME.

PROMISE?

PROMISE.
CROSS MY HEART.

COME ON, DAD, PLEASE.
CAN'T WE OPEN ALL OUR PRESENTS TONIGHT?

YOU KNOW OUR TRADITION--
ONE ON CHRISTMAS EVE

AND THE REST
ON CHRISTMAS DAY.

BUT, DAD, HOW ARE
WE GONNA KNOW

WHICH PRESENTS
SANTA LEFT BEHIND?

YEAH. WHAT IF OUR REGULAR
PRESENTS GET CONFUSED WITH HIS?

MM-HMM.

WE SHOULD REALLY MAKE
HIS PRESENTS SPECIAL.

HE DID WORK ALL YEAR
TO MAKE THEM.

NICE TRY!

[ALL LAUGHING]

[STUFFED UP] WHAT A
WARM AND COZY ROOM.

I CAN ALMOST FEEL THE
CHRISTMAS CHEER OUT HERE.

THEY DO LOOK HAPPY,
DON'T THEY?

THEY ARE HAPPY.

FOR WHAT?

SMALL HOUSE,
2 KIDS TO WORRY ABOUT,

TONS OF BILLS TO PAY.

HEY,
BETH AND JERRY MAY NOT BE MILLIONAIRES,

BUT THERE'S MORE
LOVE IN THAT HOUSE

THAN MONEY CAN BUY,
AND IN THE END,

ISN'T THAT
WHAT'S IMPORTANT?

NOW, HOW AM I SUPPOSED
TO BASTE A TURKEY

WITH ALL THIS LAUGHTER
GOING ON IN HERE?

THEY WERE
TRYING TO GET ME

TO LET THEM OPEN
ALL THE PRESENTS.

NOPE, NOPE!
ABSOLUTELY NOT!

I, ON THE OTHER HAND,
GET TO OPEN ALL OF MINE.

IT'S A SHAME
THAT YOU MISS OUT

ON THIS SORT OF
THING EVERY YEAR.

STOP, STOP, STOP, STOP!

I GIVE! I GIVE!
I GIVE! OK!

ALL RIGHT. WE GET TO
OPEN PRESENTS.

Both: ONE!

IT WAS WORTH A SHOT.

OK, WHICH ONE DO YOU
WANT TO OPEN UP?

I WANT TO OPEN
AUNT CAROL'S.

ME, TOO.
AUNT CAROL'S?

YEAH. REMEMBER WHEN
ROBERTA DROPPED THEM BY?

MM-HMM.
SHE SAID AUNT CAROL

PICKED THEM OUT
ESPECIALLY FOR US.

WE KNOW HER PRESENTS
AREN'T THAT GOOD,

BUT SHE'S PRETTY BUSY.

PRETTY BUSY.

AND IF SHE CAN TAKE
THE TIME TO GO OUT

AND GET US SOMETHING,
WE SHOULD APPRECIATE IT.

YEAH,
APPRECIATE IT.

WELL, I AM BUSY.

SURE YOU ARE.

NOT THAT BUSY.

MOM, DID AUNT CAROL LIKE
THE PRESENTS WE MADE HER?

OH, HONEY,
SHE LOVED THEM.

SHE COULDN'T BELIEVE THAT
YOU MADE THEM BY YOURSELF.

TYLER.

YOU DON'T SUPPOSE
THERE'S ANY CHANCE

SHE MIGHT BE
STOPPING BY TONIGHT?

WOW! A MAGGIE RANDY'S DOLL!
I WANTED ONE OF THESE!

MOM, DAD,
LOOK AT THIS!

THOSE HAD TO COST
MORE THAN $20.

ROBERTA USED SOME
OF HER OWN MONEY.

WHY?

TO PROTECT YOU.

SHE DIDN'T WANT THE ONLY
FAMILY YOU HAVE IN THE WORLD

TO THINK THAT YOU
WERE CHEAP

OR THAT
YOU DIDN'T CARE.

HEY, KIDS, UH,
WHAT ABOUT READING

A LITTLE BIT OF THE CHRISTMAS
CAROL BEFORE DINNER?

I'LL GET THE BOOK.

I GET TO BE
TINY TIM.

OH, I LOVE
THIS STORY.

HERE, DAD.

SHAME,
ISN'T IT?

WHAT?
THIS'LL RUIN THE COUCH.

"MARLEY WAS DEAD
TO BEGIN WITH.

"THERE IS NO DOUBT
WHATEVER ABOUT THAT.

THE REGISTER OF HIS BURIAL WAS
SIGNED BY THE CLERGYMAN..."

I CAN'T WATCH THIS
ANYMORE.

IT'S TOO PAINFUL.

LOOK AT THEM.
THEY'RE SO HAPPY.

I KNOW.

AH-AH-CHOO!

GOD BLESS YOU.

NO, WE HAVEN'T GOT
TO THAT PART YET.

"MIND I DON'T MEAN
TO SAY THAT I KNOW..."

COME ON.

WATCH YOUR BACK!
WATCH YOUR BACK!

GREAT, GREAT, GREAT.
THANKS A LOT.

WE NEED TO GET SOME
MORE GOING RIGHT AWAY.

HOW THE MASHED
POTATOES COMING? GREAT.

YOU GUYS,

THANK YOU ALL SO MUCH
FOR YOUR HELP, OK?

WE COULDN'T DO ANY
OF THIS WITHOUT YOU.

WHY ARE YOU
SHOWING ME THIS?

BECAUSE YOU'RE DEPRESSED.

I THOUGHT IT WOULD
CHEER YOU UP

TO SEE YOUR OLD FRIEND
JOHN SO HAPPY.

AND THIS RIGHT HERE
IS WHY I LOVE CHRISTMAS.

YOU WERE THAT HAPPY ONCE,
WEREN'T YOU?

A LONG TIME AGO.

AND WHOSE FAULT
DO YOU THINK IT IS

THAT YOU AREN'T
HAPPY NOW?

OK, FINE!

I COULD'VE MADE
SOME DIFFERENT CHOICES,

BEEN NICER
TO A FEW PEOPLE.

BUT HEY, YOU CAN'T ARGUE
WITH THE END RESULT.

OK. IF THAT'S THE WAY
YOU FEEL ABOUT IT.

NO USE LIVING
IN THE PAST, HUH?

GET IT? LIVING IN THE PAST,
GHOST OF CHRISTMAS PRESENT?

[AMPLIFIED] HELLO!
IS THIS THING ON?

NEVER MIND.
HUMPH.

WE'RE ALMOST THROUGH.

I DIDN'T NEED
TO SEE ALL THAT.

YES, YOU DID.

WHERE ARE WE NOW?

WE'RE AT A PARTING
OF THE WAYS.

HOLD ON A SECOND.
AREN'T YOU SUPPOSED TO BRING ME BACK?

NO. YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO
FIND YOUR OWN WAY BACK.

HEY, I'M A BUSY MAN.
I'VE GOT THINGS TO DO.

DO YOU THINK
YOU'RE THE ONLY ONE

WHO NEEDS A VISIT FROM THE
GHOST OF CHRISTMAS PRESENT?

WELL, I THOUGHT--

IT'S TIME FOR ME
TO MOVE ON.

NO REST
FOR THE WICKED.

IDLE HAND--

YOU KNOW, I'M ACTUALLY
MAKING MYSELF FEEL NAUSEOUS.

IT'S LIKE
I CAN'T CONTROL IT.

WAIT! AREN'T YOU
SUPPOSED TO SHOW ME MORE?

I'VE SHOWN YOU
EVERYTHING I CAN.

NOW IT'S TIME FOR YOU
TO SEE FOR YOURSELF

WHAT YOU'LL BECOME.

HOW AM I SUPPOSED
TO GET BACK?

CAR.
WAITING FOR YOU.

[ANIMAL HOWLS]
A CAR?

OHH. OHH.

OH! THANK GOD.

BOY, AM I GLAD
TO SEE YOU.

HI.

OH. YEAH.

YOU'VE PROBABLY HEARD
STORIES ABOUT ME

FROM OTHER
LIMO DRIVERS.

DOESN'T LIKE TO TALK.
DON'T MAKE EYE CONTACT.

WELL,
THEY'RE ALL TRUE.

NO, I'M KIDDING.
I'M KIDDING.

THAT'S HOW
I USED TO BE,

BUT THIS IS
THE NEW ME,

SO YOU CAN FEEL FREE
TO LIGHTEN UP AND--

ARE YOU
THE LAST SPIRIT?

NICE TRICK.

EXCUSE ME! CAN I
ASK YOU SOMETHING?

YOU'RE THE THIRD
SPIRIT, RIGHT?

AM I RIGHT?

OK. WELL, SO FAR,

I'VE HAD THE PAST,
AND THEN I HAD THE PRESENT,

SO I MEAN, IT DOESN'T TAKE
A GENIUS TO FIGURE OUT

THAT YOU MUST BE THE GHOST
OF CHRISTMAS FUTURE.

UM, LET ME
ASK YOU SOMETHING.

IT'S JUST A LITTLE SOMETHING
THAT'S ALWAYS BOTHERED ME.

IS IT GHOST,
OR IS IT SPIRIT?

'CAUSE I COULD NEVER
QUITE FIGURE THAT ONE OUT.

I MEAN,
SOME PEOPLE SAY GHOST,

AND SOME PEOPLE
SAY SPIRIT.

IS THERE A DIFFERENCE?

DO YOU GUYS LIKE ONE
OVER THE OTHER?

I MEAN, PERSONALLY,
I THINK I LIKE SPIRIT.

I MEAN GHOST IS JUST--
IT SEEMS SO PEDESTRIAN.

BUT SPIRIT, NOW, THAT,
THAT CONJURES UP SOME MYSTERY

RIGHT THERE AND SOME,
YOU KNOW--

[ECHOING]
HEY!

HEY!

HELLO?

ANYBODY?

SPIRIT?

OH!

[NORMAL]
YOU BROUGHT ME BACK.

YOU KNOW, YOU WEREN'T AS BAD AS
I THOUGHT YOU WERE GONNA BE.

SO, I GUESS MY FUTURE'S
NOT LOOKIN' SO BAD, HUH?

OH. YEAH, YEAH, YEAH.

DON'T WORRY.

YOU DON'T HAVE TO
TELL ME TWICE. THANKS.

[SIGHS]

UH, THAT'S OK. I'M GOOD.

THINK I KNOW
WHERE I'M GOING.

I'M SORRY.

CLOSED SET. I'M SURE
YOU UNDERSTAND.

[KNOCKING ON DOOR]

COME ON! HELLO!

COME ON!

OK, NOW YOU'RE
FREAKIN' ME OUT!

HELP! AAH!

Announcer: AND NOW, LIVE
FROM HOLLYWOOD, CALIFORNIA,

IT'S THE CAROL SHOW'S
HOLIDAY SPECIAL!

HELLO

AND WELCOME TO THE SPECIAL
HOLIDAY EDITION

OF THE CAROL SHOW.

TODAY WE HAVE GATHERED
A MYRIAD OF GUESTS

WHO HAVE CHOSEN THE MOST
IMPORTANT HOLIDAY, CHRISTMAS,

TO TELL THEIR FAMILY
SOMETHING:

"I HATE YOU."
[AUDIENCE MURMURING]

COMING UP NEXT
ON THE CAROL SHOW.

HO HO HO.

THAT WAS GREAT.

I'M GONNA GO UP
AND TALK TO HER.

Hal: YEAH, YEAH.
THAT WAS NICE, CAROL.

NOW, OUR FIRST GUEST
IS A YOUNG LADY

WHO'S GONNA DROP
THE BOMBSHELL ON HER PARENTS.

THEY'VE GOT NO IDEA
WHAT'S COMING.

AND WHY DOES
SHE HATE THEM?

SOMETHING ABOUT THEY ABANDONED HER,
AND IT RUINED HER LIFE

OR SOME SORT
OF NONSENSE LIKE THAT.

I CANNOT WAIT TO SEE
THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES

WHEN SHE SAYS, "THEY-- THEY
TOOK MY CHILDHOOD FROM ME."

[LAUGHS]
THIS IS GONNA BE GOOD.

I'M SORRY, HAL. I--

I CAN'T DO THIS.

I CAN'T DO THIS SHOW,
NOT TODAY.

WHAT?

WELL, WHY NOT?

HAS IT EVER
OCCURRED TO YOU

JUST HOW PAINFUL
THIS MIGHT BE FOR THEM?

WELL, NOT ANY MORE PAINFUL

THAN THE GUY
ON YESTERDAY'S SHOW

WHO HAD 5 DIFFERENT WIVES
IN 5 DIFFERENT STATES.

YOU DIDN'T HAVE
ANY PROBLEM DOING THAT.

YESTERDAY'S SHOW
WASN'T ABOUT ME!

Hal: OHH.
POOR LITTLE CAROL.

HAD TO GROW UP
WITHOUT HER FAMILY.

HEY, TAKE A LOOK
AROUND YOU, SWEETIE PIE.

YOU'VE DONE PRETTY WELL
WITHOUT 'EM.

THIS ISN'T
WHAT I SIGNED UP FOR.

THIS...

THIS HAS TURNED INTO
SOME SORT OF FREAK SHOW!

WELL, YOU DIDN'T HAVE
A PROBLEM WITH THIS FREAK SHOW

WHEN IT WENT NUMBER ONE
IN DAYTIME. YOU LOVED IT!

I JUST WANT
MY SHOW BACK.

THIS IS THE SHOW
YOU ARE GOING TO DO!

YOU'VE GOT A CONTRACT,
MS. CARTMAN,

AND EITHER
YOU WILL HONOR IT

OR I WILL DRAG YOU
INTO COURT, SUE YOU,

AND TAKE EVERYTHING
YOU'VE GOT!

WHERE ARE YOU GOING?

YOU CAN'T--

WHERE DO YOU THINK
YOU'RE GOING?

YOU WALK OFF THIS SHOW,

YOU CAN KISS
YOUR CAREER GOOD-BYE.

I'VE SEEN ENOUGH.

I WANNA GO BACK.

PLEASE. I'VE HAD ENOUGH.

[ENGINE BACKFIRES]

[ENGINE BACKFIRES]

HI.

WHAT ARE WE DOING HERE?

[CAR SHUDDERS AND GROANS]

OK. SEE,

THIS IS WHY WE HAVE
A SMOG PROBLEM IN THIS CITY.

OH, MY GOD.

THAT'S ME.

FORMER?!

[CARNIVAL MUSIC PLAYING]

[ALL CLAPPING]

IT COULD BE WORSE.

PERSONAL APPEARANCES CAN
BRING IN GOOD MONEY.

[ALL CLAPPING]

IS THIS WHAT
BECOMES OF ME?

STANDING ON STREET CORNERS,
HOLDING SIGNS?

IT'S SAD.

DIED COMPLETELY ALONE.

CAN'T SAY SHE
DIDN'T DESERVE IT.

IF SHE HAD CHOSEN TO BE A
DIFFERENT KIND OF PERSON,

MAYBE THINGS COULD'VE BEEN
BETTER FOR A LOT OF PEOPLE.

LIFE IS FULL OF MAYBES.

HOW'S LILY?

SHE'S OK...I GUESS.

MARRIED AND LIVING
IN CHICAGO.

SHE NEVER FORGAVE ME
FOR ALL THE TIME I SPENT

WITH CAROL
AND NOT WITH HER.

WE DON'T SPEAK
THAT MUCH ANYMORE.

THINGS WERE
NEVER THE SAME

AFTER I LOST CUSTODY
TO FRANK

AND I COULD ONLY SEE HER
EVERY OTHER WEEKEND.

SHE LOST LILY.

I THOUGHT THERE'D
BE MORE PEOPLE HERE.

DID YOU?

NOT REALLY.

WELL, IT'S NICE
TO SEE YOU.

YEAH. YOU, TOO.

[JIMMY SIGHS]

GOOD-BYE, CAROL.

TELL ME...

ALL THESE THINGS THAT
YOU'VE SHOWN ME...

ARE THEY SHADOWS
OF WHAT MIGHT BE

OR OF WHAT WILL BE?

PLEASE,

I'M A DIFFERENT PERSON

THAN I WAS
BEFORE THESE VISITS.

I GOTTA BELIEVE THAT YOU
WOULDN'T SHOW ME THESE THINGS

IF I WAS PAST ALL HOPE.

I CAN CHANGE.

I WANNA CHANGE.

I'M GONNA HOLD CHRISTMAS
IN MY HEART...

AND I'M GONNA KEEP IT
THERE ALL YEAR ROUND.

PLEASE!

PLEASE!

I'M GONNA CHANGE.

I'M GONNA CHANGE.

I'M GONNA CHANGE!

I'M GONNA CHANGE!

PLEASE!

I WON'T FORGET THE GIFTS
I'VE BEEN SHOWN TODAY,

ALL THE LESSONS
I'VE LEARNED. PLEASE!

I'M GONNA CHANGE!
I CAN CHANGE!

PLEASE! PLEASE!

I'LL CHANGE!

I CAN CHANGE...[ECHOING]

[MOANS]

I CAN CHANGE.

I'LL CHANGE!

[KNOCK ON DOOR]

Jimmy: CAROL?

[KNOCKING] CAROL.

SORRY, CAROL,
BUT WE GO LIVE IN 45.

I DIDN'T MISS IT.

UH, CAN I TELL THEM
YOU'RE COMING?

YEAH, TELL THEM
I'M COMING.

I'LL BE RIGHT THERE.

I DON'T WANT ANYONE
WAITING FOR ME.

AND, JIMMY?

I KNOW YOU WANNA
HELP ROBERTA OUT,

BUT DON'T WORRY.
YOU DON'T HAVE TO.

IT'S ALL GONNA BE OK.

OK.

I'LL BE RIGHT THERE,
I PROMISE,

BUT WILL YOU
DO ME A FAVOR?

WILL YOU TELL ROBERTA I WANNA
TALK TO HER FOR A SECOND?

SURE.

THANKS.

THEY DID IT, AUNT MARLA.

THEY DID IT
IN ONE AFTERNOON.

THANK YOU.

[KNOCK ON DOOR]

THANK YOU.

ROBERTA, GET IN HERE.

GET IN HERE
AND CLOSE THE DOOR.

I WANNA KNOW EXACTLY
HOW MUCH YOU SPENT

ON THE GIFTS
FOR MY NIECE AND NEPHEW.

UH, I'M SORRY, CAROL.

I-- I WENT
A LITTLE OVER BUDGET,

BUT I MADE UP
THE DIFFERENCE.

DON'T WORRY.

WELL, I HAVE SOMETHING
TO SAY TO YOU.

THANK YOU!

EXCUSE ME?

OH, THANK YOU SO MUCH

FOR MAKING ME LOOK
LIKE A GOOD AUNT.

YOU'RE WELCOME.

ROBERTA, YOU'VE ALWAYS
PROTECTED ME,

AND I'VE NEVER REALLY
SAID THANK YOU,

BUT THAT'S
ALL GONNA CHANGE.

FIRST OFF...

I'M ASHAMED
AT WHAT I PAY YOU...

AND I WANNA DOUBLE--

NO, I WANNA TRIPLE
YOUR SALARY.

ARE YOU FEELING
ALL RIGHT?

I HAVE NEVER FELT THIS
GOOD IN MY ENTIRE LIFE.

YOU KNOW THAT RENTAL HOUSE
I HAVE IN THE VALLEY?

I-- I KNOW.

I PROMISE
RIGHT AFTER THE HOLIDAYS

I'LL FIND SOMEONE FOR IT.

IT'S JUST THAT YOU'RE
SO PARTICULAR

ABOUT WHO YOU RENT TO--

NO.

I DON'T WANT YOU
TO RENT IT OUT.

I WANT YOU AND LILY
TO MOVE INTO IT,

RENT-FREE.

IT'S ABOUT TIME
YOU MOVED OUT

OF THAT TINY ONE-BEDROOM
PLACE YOU HAVE.

AND...

AND IN THE MEANTIME...

I WANT YOU AND LILY

TO GO BUY THE BIGGEST
CHRISTMAS TREE

THAT YOU CAN FIND.

OH, WAIT. YOU'RE GONNA
NEED ORNAMENTS-- HERE--

AND, WELL, LIGHTS,
OF COURSE.

OH, HECK, JUST TAKE
THE WHOLE THING.

GET WHATEVER YOU NEED.

AND I WANNA MAKE SURE
YOU GET SOMETHING REALLY NICE

FOR LILY
FROM HER AUNT CAROL.

OK, I GOTTA GO.
I'M SUPPOSED TO BE IN MAKEUP.

OH, AND...

IN MY WALLET THERE'S
A CARD FOR MY LAWYER.

TAKE IT,

IN CASE SOMETHING
EVER COMES UP

WHERE YOU NEED A LAWYER.

LIKE TONIGHT, FOR INSTANCE.

CALL HIM.

HE'S GOOD.

HE'S REALLY GOOD, AND...

I'LL PAY FOR EVERYTHING.

DON'T WORRY.

IT'S ALL GONNA WORK OUT.

IT'LL ALL WORK OUT.

HE'S MY LAWYER.

HE LOVES STICKIN' IT
TO PEOPLE.

OH, AND-- AND THE GIFTS.

DON'T WORRY ABOUT
DELIVERING THE GIFTS.

THEY'RE JUNK.

I DON'T KNOW
WHAT I WAS THINKING.

I HAVE SOMETHING BETTER
PLANNED FOR THE CREW.

BESIDES,

YOU SHOULD SPEND TONIGHT
WITH LILY.

AND WHOEVER ELSE YOU MIGHT
WANNA SPEND IT WITH.

I GOTTA GO TO MAKEUP.

MMM!

HEY, YOU!

[MOANS]
COME OVER HERE.

P.A.: JIMMY
TO THE GREENROOM.

JIMMY, PLEASE GO
TO THE GREENROOM.

I'M SORRY, MS. CARTMAN.

I KNOW YOU SAID
THAT I WASN'T--

WHAT DO YOU
HAVE THERE?

JIMMY SAID
TO GET THE TOYS

AND THE STUFF
FOR THE FOSTER KIDS

AND MAKE SURE
THEY GET THEM

SINCE YOU WOULDN'T LET THEM
ON THE SHOW TODAY.

REALLY.

YES, MA'AM.

WELL, FIRST OF ALL,

YOU TAKE THOSE TOYS
BACK TO THE STUDIO,

BECAUSE TODAY...

WE'RE GONNA GIVE THEM
TO THE FOSTER KIDS.

WE ARE?
YES, WE ARE,

AND THEN I WANT YOU TO GO
TO THE PRODUCTION ACCOUNTANT

AND HAVE HIM GIVE YOU
AS MUCH MONEY AS YOU NEED

TO DOUBLE WHAT WE HAVE.

WHAT?

NOW, YOU GET MOVIN',

BEFORE I DECIDE
NOT TO GIVE YOU

THAT NICE
CHRISTMAS BONUS.

YES, MA'AM.

[LAUGHS]

JOY TO THE WORLD.

MORGAN, WE ARE SO EXCITED
TO HAVE YOU ON THE SHOW.

I CAN'T WAIT
TO TALK TO YOU

ABOUT ALL THE WONDERFUL
CHARITY WORK YOU DO.

IT'S ONE OF THE THINGS THAT'S
TRULY BROUGHT ME HAPPINESS.

YOU KNOW, IT'S ALWAYS
REALLY REWARDING,

BUT AROUND THE HOLIDAYS, IT JUST
MAKES IT EXTRA SPECIAL, YOU KNOW?

WELL, IT'S A GOOD THING
YOU'RE DOING,

HELPING PEOPLE.

THANK YOU.

NOW, DON'T BE SURPRISED
IF FROM NOW ON

YOU SEE ME DOWN THERE
JUST LENDING A HELPING HAND,

HEY, I'M GONNA
HOLD YOU TO THAT.

OK.

EXCUSE ME, MS. MADDOX.

CAROL, WE NEED YOU
IN WARDROBE.

WE'RE LIVE IN 30.

JIMMY, TELL THEM
I'LL BE RIGHT THERE.

I DON'T WANT ANYONE
WAITING FOR ME.

OH, SORRY. ONE SECOND.

JIMMY, NOW, I DON'T WANT

TO SOUND CONTROLLING
OR ANYTHING,

BUT I DON'T THINK
WE SHOULD USE THAT SANTA.

WHY NOT?

'CAUSE IT'S NOT RIGHT.

IT'S NOT RIGHT
TO MAKE FUN OF HIM...

OR THIS HOLIDAY.

WELL, HAL'S NOT GONNA BE
TOO HAPPY ABOUT THAT.

YOU GO TELL HAL

THAT WE ARE GONNA GIVE
HIM A FABULOUS SHOW,

AND WE WON'T HAVE TO
LOWER OURSELVES.

OK.

THANK YOU.

MORGAN, I'D LOVE TO TALK
TO YOU MORE LATER ABOUT THIS.

YEAH.
SEE YA OUT THERE. OK.

Jimmy: AND WE ARE BACK
IN 5...4...

3...

2...

[APPLAUSE]

Announcer: WELCOME BACK

TO CAROL'S LIVE
CHRISTMAS EVE SPECIAL.

I GOTTA TELL YOU,

UP UNTIL
A LITTLE WHILE AGO,

I DIDN'T WANNA
DO THIS SHOW,

BUT I HAVE
BEEN GIVEN A GIFT.

I HAVE BEEN GIVEN THE BEST
CHRISTMAS GIFT EVER.

I HAVE BEEN GIVEN
THE OPPORTUNITY

TO HOLD THE SPIRIT
OF CHRISTMAS IN MY HEART

NOT JUST THIS TIME OF YEAR,

BUT ALL YEAR LONG.

I HAVE ALSO BEEN GIVEN
THE OPPORTUNITY

TO THANK SOME PEOPLE,

AND I WANNA THANK THE PEOPLE

THAT HAVE MADE THIS SHOW
SO SUCCESSFUL.

MY WONDERFUL,
WONDERFUL CREW.

[APPLAUSE]

AND TO THANK THEM PROPERLY,

I WANNA SHARE MY SUCCESS
WITH THEM.

SO NO SOAP AND SHAMPOO
THIS YEAR.

AS SOON AS WE GET
OUR NEXT BREAK,

I AM TAKING MY ENTIRE CREW
AND STAFF

AND THEIR FAMILIES--

TO HAWAII.

[CROWD GASPS AND MURMURS]

[APPLAUSE]
OH, MY GOD!

THIS IS WHAT THIS HOLIDAY
IS ALL ABOUT.

IT'S A TIME TO HELP PEOPLE

WHO MIGHT BE LESS FORTUNATE
THAN YOU.

IT'S A TIME TO CELEBRATE

ALL THE GOOD THINGS
THAT YOU HAVE,

AND IT'S A TIME
TO BE THANKFUL

FOR YOUR BLESSINGS.

THIS FEELING SHOULDN'T
JUST BE THIS TIME OF YEAR.

IT SHOULD BE ALL YEAR LONG,

SO I HAVE A VERY SPECIAL
ANNOUNCEMENT TO MAKE.

I HAVE BEEN HOUNDED
FOR YEARS

FROM DIFFERENT COMPANIES
WANTING TO PUT MY NAME

ON BEAUTY PRODUCTS
AND CLOTHING LINES,

EVEN KITCHENWARE,

WHICH IS PRETTY RIDICULOUS

SINCE I DON'T EVEN KNOW WHERE
THE KITCHEN IS IN MY HOUSE.

[LAUGHTER]

BUT THE BOTTOM LINE IS...

I DIDN'T WANNA DO IT
UNTIL NOW.

SO I'VE DECIDED I'M GONNA
LET THEM USE MY NAME,

AND I'VE ALSO DECIDED
THAT I WANT ALL THE PROFITS

TO BE USED TO HELP PEOPLE.

AND I CAN'T THINK
OF A BETTER WAY

TO MAKE THAT HAPPEN
THAN FOR THE PROFITS

TO GO TO ALL THE HOMELESS
SHELTERS AROUND THE CITY...

THAT MY OLD FRIEND,

GOOD GUY OF THE YEAR,

JOHN JOYCE HAS OPENED.

[APPLAUSE]

SO...

HAVE A WONDERFUL CHRISTMAS!

AND BE NICE TO EACH OTHER.

HAPPY HOLIDAYS.

[APPLAUSE AND CHEERING]

Director: AND WE'RE OUT.
THAT'S A WRAP, PEOPLE.

NICE JOB, KID.

GREAT JOB, CAROL.

NICE GOIN', BOSS.

BEAUTIFUL.

BEAUTIFUL.

I THINK THAT WAS
AN OK SHOW.

THAT WAS THE BEST CAROL
CARTMAN SHOW EVER.

MMM. THE BEST
IS YET TO COME.

Hal, laughing:
OH, CAROL!

THAT WAS FABULOUS!

BOY, YOU KEEP
DOING SHOWS LIKE THIS,

AND YOU'RE GONNA BE ON
FOR A LONG, LONG TIME.

HAL, I PLAN ON IT.

I'M SORRY
ABOUT THE SANTA.

NAH, DON'T WORRY ABOUT IT.

YOU WERE RIGHT.
I WAS WRONG.

THAT KIND OF THING IS NOT
CAROL CARTMAN SHOW MATERIAL.

NICE JOB!

MOMMY, CAN CAROL
COME OVER

FOR CHRISTMAS
TONIGHT?

YOU KNOW WHAT?
I THINK I, UH--

I'LL TAKE A RAIN CHECK.

THERE'S SOMEWHERE ELSE
I REALLY NEED TO BE TONIGHT.

MERRY CHRISTMAS.

All: MERRY CHRISTMAS!

COME ON, DAD, PLEASE?

CAN'T WE OPEN ALL
OUR PRESENTS TONIGHT?

YOU KNOW OUR TRADITION:

ONE ON CHRISTMAS EVE

AND THE REST
ON CHRISTMAS MORNING.

BUT, DAD,
HOW ARE WE GONNA KNOW

WHICH PRESENTS SANTA
LEFT BEHIND?

YEAH. WHAT IF OUR REGULAR
PRESENTS GET CONFUSED WITH HIS?

MM-HMM.

WE SHOULD REALLY MAKE
HIS PRESENTS SPECIAL.

HE DID WORK ALL YEAR
TO MAKE THEM.

OK.

WHICH PRESENT
DO YOU WANNA OPEN UP?

[DOORBELL RINGS]

JERRY, GO SEE WHO THAT IS,
AND IF IT'S SANTA,

TELL HIM I HAVE 2 VERY
NAUGHTY LITTLE KIDS IN HERE!

[BOTH LAUGH]

CAROL.
HI.

CAROL.
COME ON IN.

CAROL!

MERRY CHRISTMAS.

COME IN! COME IN!

Both: AUNT CAROL!

HI, GUYS! HI! OHH!

WOW! WHO ARE
THOSE FOR?

THESE ARE FOR YOU!

BUT YOU ALREADY
GOT US A PRESENT.

IT'S UNDER THE TREE.

COME HERE.

CAN I TELL YOU GUYS A SECRET
THAT I'M NOT TOO PROUD OF?

THOSE PRESENTS
UNDER THE TREE?

I DIDN'T BUY THEM.

I HAD MY ASSISTANT ROBERTA
GO GET THEM.

I ALWAYS THOUGHT I WAS TOO BUSY
TO BUY MY FAMILY PRESENTS...

BUT I WAS WRONG. I'M SORRY.

DON'T WORRY.
WE STILL LOVE YOU.

THANKS, BUDDY.

HOPE I'M NOT TOO LATE
FOR DINNER.

I'M JUST SO HAPPY
THAT YOU'RE HERE.

THANK YOU.

MERRY CHRISTMAS,
LITTLE SISTER.

IS THAT POPCORN
YOU GUYS ARE STRINGING?

YEAH. WANNA HELP?

MORE THAN ANYTHING, YES.

I'M GONNA GO
CHECK ON THE TURKEY.

MM-HMM.

AUNT CAROL?

DID YOU LIKE THE
PRESENTS WE MADE YOU?

DID I LIKE THEM?

I LOVE THEM! [LAUGHS]

I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU GUYS MADE
THOSE ALL BY YOURSELVES.

YOU KNOW, DAD,

AUNT CAROL BROUGHT
ALL THESE PRESENTS,

AND SHE'S NOT GONNA
BE HERE TOMORROW,

SO SHE PROBABLY WANTS TO
WATCH US OPEN THEM TONIGHT.

DON'T YOU?

OF COURSE.

Jerry: OK,
BUT AFTER DINNER.

[DOORBELL RINGS]

I'LL GET IT.

JOHN.
JERRY.

HOW ARE YA?
GOOD. YEAH.

JOHN! HI!

HOW YOU DOIN'?
GOOD! COME IN!

LISTEN, I AM SO SORRY FOR INTRUDING.
I'LL BE RIGHT BACK.

I SAW CAROL'S SHOW,
AND BY THE TIME I GOT

TO THE STUDIO,
SHE WAS GONE,

AND I WAS WONDERING
IF YOU KNEW WHERE SHE...

HI.

HI.

UM, DINNER WON'T BE READY
FOR A FEW MINUTES,

SO IF YOU TWO WANNA
TAKE SOME TIME...

YOU'RE WELCOME TO STAY
FOR DINNER, JOHN.

THANK YOU. UM...
OH.

I-- I SHOULD
PROBABLY GET BACK

AND HELP FINISH PREPARING
THE MEALS FOR TOMORROW.

WE COULD HAVE DINNER,
AND...

THEN WE COULD STILL GET BACK
IN TIME TO HELP OUT.

WE?

WE.

I WAS HOPING YOU'D
BE WATCHING THE SHOW TODAY.

YEAH?

I'LL LET YOU IN
ON A LITTLE SECRET.

I RARELY MISS IT.

[BOTH LAUGH]

WHAT HAPPENED TO YOU TODAY TO
MAKE YOU SAY WHAT YOU DID?

A FEW FRIENDS
HELPED ME REALIZE

I HAVEN'T BEEN
A VERY NICE PERSON...

AND I WANNA CHANGE THAT.

I'VE ALWAYS SAID...

ALL YOU HAVE TO DO IS LET
THE REAL CAROL COME OUT...

THE CAROL THAT I
FELL IN LOVE WITH.

YOU ONCE SAID THE CAROL
YOU FELL IN LOVE WITH

HAD DISAPPEARED FOR GOOD.

SHE DIDN'T.

SHE WAS JUST MISSING
FOR A LITTLE WHILE.

"...AND TO TINY TIM,
WHO DID NOT DIE,

"HE WAS A SECOND FATHER.

"SCROOGE WAS BETTER
THAN HIS WORD.

"HE DID IT ALL
AND INFINITELY MORE,

"AND IT WAS ALWAYS
SAID OF HIM

"THAT HE KNEW HOW
TO KEEP CHRISTMAS WELL,

"IF ANY MAN ALIVE
POSSESSED THE KNOWLEDGE.

"MAY THAT BE TRULY
SAID OF US

"AND OF ALL OF US.

AND SO,
AS TINY TIM OBSERVED..."

GO AHEAD.

GOD BLESS US,

EVERY ONE.

SO,

DO YOU REALLY THINK
WE GOT TO HER?

OH, I THINK WE
SCARED HER REAL GOOD.

YEAH, THERE'S A LOT
OF GOOD IN PEOPLE,

AND SOMETIMES ALL THEY
NEED IS A LITTLE JOLT

TO GET 'EM BACK ON TRACK.

WELL, I HOPE
WE JOLTED HER ENOUGH.

OH, CAROL'S
GONNA BE JUST FINE.

MAYBE SHE'LL MAKE
THE WORLD A BETTER PLACE

FOR A LOT OF OTHER PEOPLE.

AMEN TO THAT.

All: ♪ JOY TO THE WORLD

♪ THE LORD IS COME

♪ LET EARTH RECEIVE
HER KING ♪

♪ WHILE FIELDS AND FLOODS

♪ ROCKS, HILLS,
AND STREAMS ♪

♪ REPEAT THE SOUNDING JOY

♪ REPEAT THE SOUNDING JOY

♪ AND HEAVEN

♪ AND NATURE SING

[ALL LAUGH]

[ROCK INSTRUMENTAL
OF DECK THE HALLS PLAYING]

♪