8 Slices (2018) - full transcript

A new hire joins a small town pizza restaurant just as the business fails and its employees question the "American Dream."

Lights, camera, action.

It's Sam Zander time.

I know what you're
thinkin': what's this?

You'll find out soon
enough, but yeah,

I'm growing the beard out.

So I'm just here at my
parent's house in Malibu.

The look.


I'm rich.

Deal with it.

Lots of wine boxes 'cause
my parents are drunks.

Drunks and fat.

Yeah, I shame my
parents, whatever.

This is a message
from Sam Zander.

Do you know where
your children are?

They're on my website,
where you should be.

Yeah, I've been thinkin',
I've been thinkin',

I've been thinkin'.

What does it all mean?

I don't know.

Once upon a time there was a boy

who didn't know
what he was gonna do

so he did something
to change the world.

What are you doing?

Who are you?

Where are we going?

Listen, I want you guys to
know I'm about to something

really courageous for you all.

I'm about to do
something really bold.

Send me your comments below.

Peace up, bash down, ah.

I'm tellin' ya,
Patronies Pizza's goin' under.

Now how would
you know that and I don't?

Trust me.

Knee Cha!

Oh he's probably
canned from being

God's loyal opposition.

So tell me your

- crackpot theory.
- You can't see it?

It always get slow
around this time of the year.

- You know that...
- No, no, no.

It's more than that.


- You're not Jewish.
- Why not?

It doesn't work that way.

My step grandmother was
a German Jew is the 40s.

That should count double
for me, all right?

- It's Saturday.
- That's why we're walking.

So, you're working
on the Sabbath?

I'm culturally
Jewish, all right?

- Give me break, will ya?
- Right, proceed.

Patronies Pizza is going under

because of one small detail.

Single ply.

We went from two
ply to single ply.

Bankruptcy starts
in the bathroom.

You know, I'm
drawing the line here.

As a matter of fact, I
liked you a lot better

when you was practicing Kwanzaa.

That was just a phase.

What do you think?

Listen, this aint
no feel good story

about some pizza joint.

It's about the one
lie we all believe in.


I'm the happiness
without a reason guy.

My philosophy is you don't
need reasons to be happy.

You only need reasons
to be unhappy.

I know, I know, it
sounds unreasonable.

You see, the whole
human experience is just

a speck of dust in
the blink of time.

And every single one of
us is born incomplete.

We spend our whole lives
searching for meaning

that fills a little
hole in our hearts.

For the eight slices, it's
the name tags we wear,

and whether we're
doing a good job

portraying our favorite
writers who, at some point,

filled that hole in us.


I do wonder what Kerouac
would think of all this.


All that really matters
is one question:

what makes the perfect pizza?

As an actor,

your freedom happens
between the lines.

What does your character want?

What stands in their way?

These are the two most
important questions

going into the scene.

Self-self-self-self promotion

is 90% of acting in today's
world against a famous...

All right, here we go.

Woo hoo hoo!

America, look at this!

Oh, the things I do
for you.


Come on, Oscar.

It's just a shirt.

"Come on, Oscar."

- Yeah?
- Yeah.

It makes people think.

Well I don't want my customers
thinking about anything,

except for how good my pizza is.

Hey Wendy.

So, tell me everything.

How was the campus?

Is college a waste of money?

Only if you're getting a
degree in something practical

- like philosophy.
- I don't even know

if I'll get in.

Would you
do it if it were free?

Anyone would.

Then that's your answer.

Yeah, but I'd get like a
golden toilet if it was free.


- Morning, G.
- Morning, G.

Some locals.

'Sup dude?

Look at this place.


We're not in Malibu anymore.

- A
- callback is when

a casting director
wants to see you again.

This is a good indication
that you did something well.

Hey, Ann.

How'd the book tour go?

I didn't even make it
out of Brunswick County.


It still counts in my book.

How's Kelli doin'?

Screw Kelli.

Oh hey.

- Mornin'.
- Hey guys.

- Morning.
- Hi.

After this, check
the toilet paper.

Hi, Ann.

How'd the book tour go?

All kinds of hostility today.

Hey man, how's Kelli doin'?

All right, let's get started.

Schopenhauer, nice
of you to join us.

Care to explain yourself?

Uh, sure.

I'm somewhere in this
body, condemned to this

completely indifferent
universe that was created

by someone or from
something that forgot

to put human happiness
in its design.


Time is an illusion.

We are the only
creatures on this planet

that keep track of time.

Therefore, we are the
only creatures that

have a fear of time running out.


Just look at Guillermo.


If you believe
in human happiness,

just look at an
old person's face.

Ah, come on.

I mean it, they're
like deeply wrinkled,

permanent displays
of disappointment.

It's just etched in there.

I'm happy without a reason.

I don't need a
reason to be happy!

Going to Patronies.

This is gonna be awesome.

Are you excited?

I'm excited.

All right, all right,
time to get to work.

All right, all right.

Calm down, Jack.

Listen, I brought you
in early today because I...

We are closed.

Read the sign.

It's 10 am.

I thought time
was an illusion.


Look at that.

Oh, shoot.

Hi, welcome to
Patronies, we're closed.

I'm a new hire.

Do we have a new hire today?

For you, sir.

Uh, hi.

I'm uh, I'm John.

I'm the new hire.

Hi, John.

John, pull up a seat.

Join the circle.

I just thought I'd give
you all fair warning.

You should probably start
updating your resumes.

- What?
- Oh no.

Two ply.

It's the toilet paper, man.

That's why we're going under.

Are you seeing this?

Two months ago,
the majority partner

sold their shares back to me,

and uh, we just didn't
have the summer season

I was hoping for.

This is just a
precaution, Knee Cha.


All right?

Service stays the same.

Menu's staying simple.

Now attached to your
envelopes are the new

pizza membership program.

Albert will explain
how it's going to work.

Guys, if we each
sell 25 of these,

we'll have enough money to get

us through the winter season

and we won't have to
worry about closing.

At any rate, I hope the
recommendation letters

work for everyone.

John, I'll need to get
to know who you are

before I can write you one.

Well should I even start, or?

- Yeah.
- Yeah.

- It's money, ya nuts?
- Yes.

Yeah man,
stay positive, man.

It's up to you.

I hope you guys know
if there's anything

I could have done
differently, I would've.

Oh, 30 minutes before
the doors open.

Let's keep our heads up

and uh, if you
guys need anything,

don't hesitate to ask.

You and me, we're gonna
make it through this.

We're gonna make it
through this day,

we're gonna do it together,

'cause you are
everything I need.

You are my love.

You are going to pour
out your love to me

in a perfect balance of
sugar and carbonation.

You got it?

And this is
Schopenhauer and Wendy.


'Sup guys?

We're actually women.

You'll get used to that.

Do I know you?

Familiar face.

Gotta keep goin' on the tour.

I feel like I know him.


This is Ann, she's
actually a writer.

And this is our cook.

- Hey, what's up man?
- He doesn't speak.

And that is G.


Oh, let me take you
back here on the...


What makes the perfect pizza?

Hey, I'm supposed
to shadow you?

First stop, best stop.

You ever work in the
service industry before?

Uh no.

Get ready for the big leagues.

Welcome to Patronies where
pizza is our philosophy

and our philosophy is pizza.

What's that, the
specials you asked for?

I'm so glad you did
because today's special's

the sausage and pepperoni
pie with gluten on the side.

And if you're interested,
which I know you are,

we have a very special genetically
modified option as well.

So what can I get you fellas
started off to drink today?

I'll do a water.

- All right.
- Same.

Got it.

Boring, let me guess, water?

We'll be right back
with the H20s, okay?

Be careful with
your comedy choices.

Around here, customer is king.

We serve them, okay?

Hey, Schop, what can I get ya?

- Two lagers.
- Done and done.

Uh, any auditions this week?

Not this week.

All right, well,
every director I meet

eventually asks me how comfortable
I am getting naked, so.

Did that guy's name
tag say Jack Berouac?

That's what they do here.

All these trailer park kids
pretend to be famous writers.

You see that sweet
thing right there?

She cleans my beach
house in the off season.

How many
copies did you sell?


I'm still struggling
with the reality of it.

Well, plenty of people
try to write books but...

And whenever I
think of reality,

I think of reality stars,

and the newly paved
route to becoming

President of the United States.

Well, look at this way.

You've got a new market
for adult coloring books.


Uh yes, hello.

How big is your 14 inch?

I'm sorry?

How big is your 14 inch?

- How big is our 14 inch?
- Yeah.

- 14 inches.
- Oh, okay.

- Sounds good.
- Yeah.

- Okay, thank you.
- All right, bye.

You don't have an address.

Oh, yeah, I'm just in
between housing right now.

Well, I am sure that
this is just a pit stop

on the way to wherever
it is you're going.

But just approach each
day, perform every task

with the devotion of
building a better resume,

you should be fine.

I'll get a PO box next week.

You uh, you need
a place to stay?

Oh, no, no, I'm good.

Shower's an issue?


People like to come here
to smell garlic and sauce.

I'll be showered.

Well have a washing
machine and the clothes line

in the back if you need.

You ever, uh, you
ever been arrested?

Uh no.

You ever almost been arrested?

You can do a background
check if you'd like.

Do I need to?

Aye, boss man?

Joe's here.

Hey, Albert, come here.

You finish this up and
bring him to the pit.

And get him a book
and a name tag for me.

- Welcome aboard, bud.
- Thanks.

Hey, I'm Albert.

What's your name?

My name's John.

Well that's not gonna matter,

we're gonna change it anyway.


Yeah, so, make
sure you fill out

all that paperwork and
try to get it back to me

- no later than tomorrow.
- Okay.

So we can get it on
file and stuff like that.

I'm sorry, I gotta ask.

What's up with the
stone aged typewriter?

He's very nostalgic like that.

We just recently got him
a flip phone, too, so.

A flip phone?

Yeah, like the StarTAC.

Yeah, the girls are
kind of working on him.

- Wow, okay.
- Yeah, yeah.

Well the good thing about
it, all his checks cash, so.

- Good, good.
- He can have three

of these as far
as I'm concerned.

All right, come on,
let's go meet Knee Cha.

Are you gonna make my pizza?

Joe, we have been
through this, okay?

You're the only one who
knows how to do it right.

Crispy, not a lot of cheese.

Everybody makes the
pizza the exact same...

Bull crap!

These rednecks don't
know how to do it right.


I don't know why it's
such a big deal every time.

I'll make his pizza.

All I want
is the crispy pizza.

Hey, what's boss man's name?

It's Oscar Smith.

He makes us wear
these name tags,

and don't wear one himself.

- Awesome.
- So, you get 10 cent a month

every time that you're on time,

and you get a dollar
raise for every one

of these that you finish.

A dollar for reading a book?

Yeah, which is probably
one of the reasons

why we're going under, but...

Oh yeah, speaking of that.

We have a no phone policy.

- Right, no phone.
- Yeah.

Make sure you
choose one of these

by the end of the day.

Does it have to
be one of these?


Right's for soaking,
center's for scrubbing,

left is for sanitizing.

Don't mix 'em up.

Good luck.

And 20% off after that.

I like pepperoni.

And thank you for
becoming a member.

So you get the free
soda and the water

every single time you come in.

You can't beat it, am I right?

If you think about
the dishes as a holon,

they become just as
important as the sauce.

If all the dishes were dirty,

then the pizzas
would be affected.

What did you do to
get stuck back here?

- Why am I in the pit?
- Yeah.

Some days I volunteer,
to stay away from the bar.

You're in the program?

Anonymity, man.

I was in it, too.

Off the counter boys.

John, come with me.

It's very easy.

Right is for soaking,
left is for sanitizing.

All right, move it Gandhi.

So, first slice down.

What'd you think?

It's a job.

Ah, you picked the
controversial one.

Got a perfect name tag for that.

So I get a dollar raise
just for reading this book?


Yep, you just tell
me what you think

about it afterwards.

Kind of the reason I do it.

You got a pen?

Uh yeah.

You know, I always wanted
to be a college professor.

Culinary arts.

And uh, this is the
closest thing I have

to a survey course.

You read much?

Not really.

Well, Knee Cha will make
you one of these tomorrow.

I tell ya man, humanity is
in need of a major change.

A good book is the best
way to view the world

through a different lens.

All right, circle up,
circle up, circle up.

Wendy, you did it!

You completed the required
voluntary reading list.

One full year at Patronies!

- Yes!
- What did you learn?

All these writers are great

because of what they
created, not who they were.

Most of them were actually
pretty disturbed people.

Hypochondriacs, self
absorbed, alcoholics.

Some even suicidal.

I gave Wendy a
challenge this month.

Oh yes,
what's the challenge?

To get the heck out of here.

This kid has never been
outside of North Carolina.

- No way.
- Challenge accepted.

Time frame?

Four weeks.

No, bull.

She can go to South
Carolina in like 30 minutes.

Nah, she's right, South
Carolina's too close.

Okay, okay.

Fine, I'll do it.

- Yes.
- Yes.

No, you are not done yet.

What are you reading next?

Viktor E. Frankl.

Oh, I've already read him.

- You know that.
- That's enough.

Okay, okay, okay.

Will you ready anybody
off the board again?

- Nope.
- Oh, then what philosopher?

Well I guess it'll probably
have to be Nicolas Sparks.

Okay, okay, who
was your favorite?

Who was your favorite?

Albert Camus.

Because he was a good guy.

I like reading philosophy
that was written by someone

who was an actually
happy person.

That's sweet.

All right, the
results are in, folks.

We sold 43 brand new
pizza memberships!

Only 207 more to go.


Challenge accepted.

And just like the pizza dough

that G made yesterday
morning, bruh!

Let's eat this, come on!

Come on G.

Who are you?


What's up ladies and germs?

I hope you're holding
onto your butts,

'cause it's day
two of John Galt.

Guess what I'm doing?

Just laundry on a clothesline.

Just, you know, normal
laundry day.

This is nuts.

'Sup John?


You need
an extra work shirt?

I don't wear mine.

No, I'm good.

Are you filming me?


Make the name
tags in the back.

What'd you get?

Uh, John Galt, but you
can just call me John.

I like my real name.


Holden all the way.

Who's Holden Caulfield?

Are you serious?

That's it.

You get John Galt now.

Catcher in the Rye?

Never read it.

Don't tell anybody else that.



I swear I've seen him before.

Hm, weird dude.

What is he even doing?

What is up my
search and destroyers?

Welcome to where
dreams go to die.

That's where they go.

I want you to stay tuned.

I think she just
saw me.

Let me tell you.

You know, I know you
kids are young out there,

so I'm gonna try to
behave myself today.

Anyway, I can't say too
much now, but stay posted.

Peace up, bash down.

Cool selfie, bro.

Why do you do that?

I'm right here.

I like you man, you know that?

Yeah, yeah.

You guys got two ply
in your bathroom?


Is the toilet paper
gettin' thinner?

Don't you think
North Carolina's

had enough bathroom trouble?

I need a nap now
more than ever.


Well yeah.

Someone kept interfering with
my Hebrew studies last night.

And who would do
such a horrible thing?

Aren't you supposed
to be washin' dishes?

Nah, Knee Cha took ever.

And Bat Mitzvahs are
for 13 year olds.

I love you.


Fine, I will send it tomorrow.

There you go.

Put your finger
here, and squeeze.

Thank you.

Guess we should
have seen it coming.

Seen what coming?

Jack told me about
the toilet paper.

What does that have
to do with anything?

Where's the bottle opener?

- Behind the moose head.
- Behind the moose head.

You updated your resume yet?

I never had one.


Hey John, that's it,
we're closed, man.

Yes, sir.

I got a job lined up
cleaning houses again.

What about your writing?

All my passions projects
are gonna make me broke.

What do you think the
human life's worth?

Aint it the
worth of something,

whatever someone else is
willing to pay for it?

So we're all just
slaves for the people

with time and money?

Well, tonight,
you are worth 125.

Uh, got these too.

Oh, hey, yeah, yeah, yeah.

- Bye.
- Bye.

My turn!

Hello, ladies and
gentlemen and welcome

to my new character
study, John Galt.

Since attaining

and almost 300 million
total views on my channel,

I thought it was imperative
that I go undercover.

Check it out.

I'm even sleepin' in my car.

Method actor, sort of.

Okay, okay.

I gotta get started
and tell you guys about

this place, little restaurant,
that somehow, somehow,

made it on Reddit's top
10 best places to work.

Okay, so, I've been doing a
little research on this boss

who's basically failed at
everything he's tried to do.

He flunked out of a bachelor's
degree in culinary arts.

Culinary arts.

How do you even do that?

Oh my, you know
what I always say:

Those who can, do.

Those who can't, teach.

And bro, boss man
can't even do that.

Come on, man, I
gotta give it to him.

He's had this
restaurant for 18 years,

and here's the sad part, this
is his fourth failed business.

That's right, folks, the
place is going under.

What kind of top
10 place is that?

Go talk to daddy,

hey daddy, can I get some more
money to open another one?

Baby boomers, ugh.

And it's not just the restaurant,
it's like this whole town

has a disease.

Everybody here is just a
redneck, pathetic loser,

and that is the
capital T, truth folks.

What, are people gonna get mad
at me for class shamin' now?

Guess what, let me put
it to you like this:

it doesn't matter how
many books you read,

you're still gonna be
poor, and you're still

gonna have that terrible accent.

And you'll never, ever,
leave this dump of a place.

Oh, oh, oh, and there's even
a feminist who works there.

A feminist.

Let me mansplain something
to you real quick.

The word feminism?

It came from a man!

Charles Fourier, he was
a Utopian Socialist.

Oh, and we all know
how utopias end.

For all you peeps who
responded to my last video,

the excuses that
fat people make,

I wanted to thank you for
your encouraging comments

and your death threats,

all of which allow
me the platform

you get to see me on here today.

You know, what I think
that some of you don't get

is that I offer you a service.

I think I deserve a
little bit of recognition.

I'm not being mean.

I'm just a journalist
who happens to be funny.

I'm a truth teller and I'm
doing it for you guys, for you.

This is my first subject in
my debunking top 10 series.

If you like this video,
please go like and subscribe.

Also, for my die hard search
and destroyer fans out there,

if you find me, I will
feature you in my video.

Give you a little taste of
what it's like to be me.

Am I bragging?


I also left a little
clue in the comment box

where you can come
find the bridge

and find where I'm at.

Trust me, there's
nothing else here.

Now if you'll excuse me,
I have to go attend some

really cool redneck bonfire.

All right kids, until next time.

Peace up, bash down.

All right, all right, good.

Yeah, yeah, yeah,
yeah, yeah, yeah.

That was good, that was
good, that was good.

Yeah, just uh, I'll
just edit that tomorrow.

No, pizza was
invented in Brooklyn.

I know that for a fact.

Pizza was invented in Naples,

for King Umberto and
Queen Margherita.

Bunny, bunny.

- Hey.
- How you doin'?

Hey, what's goin' on?

Mazel tov.

So, somebody comes in the
restaurant the other day

and they want me to cut
a pie in odd numbers.

- What?
- Yeah.

They wanted it in seven
slices instead of eight.

Has anybody had that happen yet?

No, but someone
asked me if I had

diet water the other day.

- Oh my god.
- Yeah.

Everybody here is
just a redneck, pathetic loser,

and that is a capital T, truth.

What are people gonna get mad
at me for class shamin' now?

You're still gonna be poor,
and you'll never, ever leave.

A feminist!

Let me mansplain
something to you real...



You look nice.

You saw me like an hour ago.

Thank you.

- Bonfire.
- Yes.

- On the beach.
- Yes.

I think I'm gonna finish
that bartending course,

you know, for real this time?


I'll probably go back to
the cruise ship, you know?

Micromanaging rich people's
happiness and what not.

Sometimes I think, when
I'm looking down my driveway,

about what it would
actually be like

to leave for the last time,

but it's always the same
thing holding me back.

Like who would
take care of mama?

Or Knee Cha?

- Hey.
- What's up guys?

Where y'all been at?


It's so warm.

So what do you think
about it so far, John?

- Patronies?
- Yeah.

It's cool.

It's uh, it's exactly like Ann
wrote about in the article.

- Wait, wait...
- What?

What article?

What are you talking about?

Well it took me a minute, but,

when I realized
she was a writer,

I put two and two together.

Wait, our Ann?

I wrote a small
article on Patronies

and it got passed around.

I wrote it under that pseudonym.

We all have our pseudonyms.

- Ann, that's amazing.
- It was a small article.

- Still.
- Where'd you read it?

Reddit's Top 10 Most
Unique Places to Work

in the Service Industry.

- Wait, what number are we?
- Eight.

- Oh.
- Wow.

- That's good.
- That is amazing.

You're a published writer.

I don't think Reddit counts.

Hey Ann, why didn't you
tell us about the article?

I guess I also
forgot to tell you

I had a grilled cheese today,

I'm allergic to strawberries,
and sometimes I wake up

with a small neck
pain on the left side.

No, but you told everyone
about the book tour.

Now why wouldn't you tell
us about the article?

Ann, I thought we were friends.

How could we
still be going under

if we're so popular?

Top 10 places
to work, not eat.

I know how.

- Don't.
- Are you...

- Don't do it.
- I know, because our

toilet paper's single ply!

- No.
- Jack, sit your behind down.

All right, all right,
all right, ya pain bodies.

If we can't save
the restaurant,

then I don't know, can we
do something for Oscar?

He's done so much for all of us.

Patronies is a reflection
of our own mortality, kid.

It's over.

They know.

Who's he talking to?

Oh don't worry, baby.

He's just a little different.

what are you doin'?

I am looking for the optimist

that I normally go to bed with.

Oh, yeah.

I just, I wanna do more than

sell pizza
memberships, you know?

Yeah, I don't know,
I just don't get it.

You guys wanna
spend your free time

trying to save someone
else's restaurant?

It's all of ours.

Yeah, but, you work
for him, all of you.

Hey John?

What do you do with all those
photos you've been taking?

Publish the truth.

People have this idea.

They think they know what
life is really like, but,

it's usually quite different.

So I show 'em the truth.

I've wanted to be
a journalist since

I was like 10 years old
and nobody ever hired me

so I just kind of do
what I can on my own.

- Yeah.
- That's pretty cool, John.

- Yeah, it is.
- Thanks.

So you're gonna be writing
about us, and the restaurant?

Yeah, maybe.

Maybe you and
Ann could team up

- and write something...
- I write alone.

Yeah, and
I do mostly video.

Wait, wait, wait,
dude, dude, dude,

I'll take you to
the perfect place

for some photojournalism magic.

You free tomorrow before work?

Yeah, yeah that'd be great.

Could we see some
of your photos now?

Uh, I haven't quite
got my story yet.

Well I think that's cool.

It'd be like an
archive of my life

for the past 10 years.

Hey, mine too.

You've only been
here for three years.

No, but still, I think
it'd be really nice

to have like a little
album, you know?

And you'd be
like 10 years old.

- Let's go, nope, no more.
- That's it, come on.

You guys leaving already?

Hey, make sure
y'all put out the fire.

- Woo hoo!
- Yeah!

Just don't
do anything I would do.

- Cimone, you comin'?
- No, you go ahead.

Do you wanna go
for a walk or something?

- Yeah, let's go it.
- Okay.

What's up
with that rabbit?

Eh, don't ask.

So Oscar's all about just
be a good person, you know?

Good things happen
to good people.

If I'm really being
honest with myself,

I want more, you know?

There's all these
things I wanna do and

I get a glimpse
of an opportunity

and I don't even take it.

The jack of all trades
and the master of none.

You're too hard on yourself.

You're not?

No, I gave up on
myself a long time ago.


Exhibit A:

when I rolled into this
lovely little town of yours,

the only music on the radio were

these country songs
with lyrics like,

"Baby, since you left me,

"I can't go on
living without you."

- I love that song.
- Oh, it's a terrible song.

And then I thought to myself,

if you replace the
woman in the song

that he's complaining
about with some

sort of higher concept, it
gives the song a deeper meaning.

You're way more trapped
in your head than I thought.

No, I'm just saying.

The reason the song is so crappy

is because it takes
itself so seriously.

If you wanna

live a life with more meaning,

then you have to
create something

by making something
out of nothing.

I like that
you're a journalist.

- Yeah?
- Yeah.

I think it's cool.

You know, when I first
started at Patronies,

Oscar pulled me
aside and he said,

- "What are your dreams?"
- Oh god, that guy.

That was the first time
anyone's ever asked me that.

He views the restaurant
as a pit stop

and it's become a home to me,

and I know I've been
there for way too long.

But he's done a lot for us.

And it'd be cool if
you could capture that

in your video essay or whatever.

Why are you here?

I don't know.

If I could go back
and tell my parents

to use protection,
I probably would.

I mean, why are you here in
Holden Beach, North Carolina?

Why are you laying on the hood

of a guy's car you barely know?

You're right.

I don't know you.

So who are you, John Galt?

Who is John Galt?

Where I come from, we
call that being a tease.

See you tomorrow.

Just choose
something, anything.


Good things don't
happen to good people.

They happen because
someone sacrificed

everything they had
to get what they want.

Just choose one thing.

No, thanks.

There's nothing in
the world that would

make me sacrifice my
relationships with people,

if that's what you mean.

Look, I like you, John.

You came into that
restaurant confident.

There's a thin line between
confidence and arrogance.

I'm not arrogant.

Ah, come on.

Sounds like you
need a jump, huh?

Yeah, I guess I do.

Pop your hood.


I guess if I had to
choose something,

this is always an option for me.

Just sittin' on the
beach here in Holden Beach.



You do realize we
watched the sun go down

- and now it's come up?
- I do, I do.

I think I'm...

We have to be at
work in an hour.

I mean, I don't think
I have to work today.

Stop taking pictures.

I probably should go to work.

Let's do one more, hurry.

Have you been
collecting seashells

- from Holden Beach?
- Yeah.

Let's go.


What are you doing?

It's for my Instagram handle.

You can follow me.

It's called

You redneck, pathetic loser.

come on, let's go.

I gotta go.

This is
gonna be epic, man.

- I stand right here, right?
- Yes, yes, yes, all right.

And the red button
is recording, yeah?

Red button, I told you.

- Yeah, you're fine.
- Oh, okay.

I'm ready, are you ready?

- I'm ready.
- All right.

And three, two, one.

Take a look at this place.

Have you ever seen
something that is just...

- So cool.
- Jack, you gotta be

- quiet while I'm filming.
- Oh, oh yeah, yeah.

Sorry, sorry.

- And action...
- Take a look at...

Are you ready?

- Yeah.
- Okay.

Welcome to a junk yard museum,
filled with tiny houses

and a whole lotta crap.

This place is like classic
southern hoarding 101.

They even built a
sidewalk down the middle.

I feel like Moses parting
the sea of bad habits.

Jack, what are you doin'?


Come on.

Search and destroyers,
welcome to your second clue.

And cut, that was

Wasn't that sort of mean?


I mean, Mary's
a very nice lady.

Ah, I mean, but let's face it.

This place is a dump.

Well here's a fact.

Mary's a very well known
artist in the south.

People come from all over
the country to see her work.

Yeah, but, look dude.

My followers are more interested

in the comedy and
the jokes I have.

I found like a nice balance
between journalism and comedy.

Look, I'll show you one day.

Come on, let's go
get some B roll.

Now I want everything
nice and straight.

Keep it side to
side, good quality.

You're doin' great man,
you're doing great.

Oh, now look at this.

Jack, you gotta see this.

Hey, hey, what do
you think about my me roll?

B, B roll.

- Oh, yeah.
- It's pretty good actually.

Oh, well what are
you doin' right now?

I am transferring your footage

over to my phone.

How you know what,
maybe tomorrow

I can show you how to
edit some of this stuff?

Yeah, are you gonna
add the stuff about

Mary being a renowned artist?


You ought to
interview her sometime.

She's fantastic.

Hey, I was thinkin', what
if you did a commercial

for Patornies, huh?

Not really much of a point

if it's going under, right?

Right, yeah.

Um, what is the, what
is, what is that?

Ah, lens clip.

It's kind of like my trademark.

Kind of like your yarmulke.

Yeah, or my fanny pack.

Yeah, that fanny
pack's weird, bro.


Hey come on, we're
gonna be late!

I can't believe
you walk to work.

Guys, come here.

Hey everybody, can you
gather 'round, please?

Thanks, uh...

One of the hardest things
I've ever done, but uh,

after 18 years, Patronies Pizza
will be closing its doors.

Everything will go
on as normal for

the next week to 10 days.

Get your paychecks, hours,

memberships, thank you so
much for the memberships,

all your hard work.

Don't discount anything
that any one of you

has ever done for this place.

You made Patronies Pizza.

Thank you for that.

Man, what a run it's been.

Albert, can you uh, collet
the leftover memberships?

Let's have a great
last week, guys.

Keep your heads up.

So do you uh, got any
idea what you'll do now?


I've always wanted
to be a journalist.

A journalist?


John, that's great.

That is terrific.

I'll be right on that letter
of recommendation right away.



In the meantime, uh...

Here's a little somethin'
to get your own place.

- Oscar, I can't take this...
- John.

You're a good guy.

I'm just sorry we didn't
have more time together.

I can't accept this.


A guy like you should be
sleeping in his own bed.

Now get back to work.


What's wrong with you?

Day three and I'm taking out

the trash like a
regular peasant.

"The meaning of life
may be all the things.

"What if it's
truth that means..."

Hey, Knee Cha.

"What's if it's true
that the meaning..."

What makes the perfect pizza?

Is it the sauce?

The dough?

The presentation?

Every ingredient is
simultaneously a whole.

You're part of something great.


happiness doesn't

fix everything, Jack.

How's it goin'?

Not good.

Not good.

All right, come on, Ann.

I got a lot of
paperwork, what's up?

How much do we need?

I don't know.

Oscar doesn't talk
to me about that.

So basically it's
a fundraising site

and I think we can
get people to donate.

Here, take a look.

What, no yarmulke today?

Not feeling Jewish anymore?

Oh yeah, your rabbit
ate it, all right?

My rabbit is more of a...

She must be lonely.

Schop's right, I
gotta be serious.

Those six dollars are mine.

Hey, wait, wait, ooh.

You don't have
your pad, slugger.

Mrs. Fiona Graham, I'll
have you know I plan on

being ever free today and earn

all six of those dollars.

We'll see.

I'll do the gluten
free pepperoni calzone.

Uh, we only have gluten
free dough for the large pies.


How is that, ah,
that's more like an error

on your part, don't
you think, hm?

You're right.


Customer is king.

Or queen.

I'll do the gluten
free pepperoni

and mushroom pizza then.

And a water.

My pleasure.

So together, we
have 3,000 friends.

If 10 percent of them
donate a few bucks,

or at least respond
to the message...

I don't know, Ann, that
seems like a pyramid scheme.

No, no, no.

It's multi-level marketing.

Let's just see what happens.

More like some multi-level
waste of my time.

You're a hater.

Knee Cha's in
here breaking dishes

and you talkin' about pyramids,
the Sphinx and the Nile?

G, where's my order?

What'd you have?

Gluten free
pepperoni mushroom.

Oh, I'm supposed
to tell you we're out

of gluten free dough.

So, we're out of
gluten free dough.

- Great.
- It's not congealing.

Oh, don't tell me that.

Uh, Mrs. Graham, I'm
really sorry but we're

out of gluten-free dough.

It's not congealing, and I
brought a water here for you

and to see maybe if you
wanna order something else.

I'm really sorry, but...

No, actually, let me
tell you something.

You shouldn't say I'll do
your gluten free calzone,

or I'll do a diet soda, or
I'll do your house salad.

Just say you want
the house salad.

Or better yet, you'll have
the house salad, please.

And don't bring your cell
phone to a restaurant.

You came here to
eat, and it's rude.

You got that?

That's a great idea.

But I came here to be served.


You come to a restaurant
to spend time with people.

I'll do your IPA at
the locals discount.

Okay, so that's two
lagers and one IPA.



Sam Zander!


Peace up, bash down.

Search and destroy!

- Oliver, come back!
- Sam Zander!

Come back here.

Come on, a bunch of redneck,
pathetic losers work here.

What is wrong with you?

Get off of me, now!


Are you okay?

I gotta go.

What's going on?

Will you please just stop?

Where are you going?


John, what happened in there?

Why are you so upset?

Please talk to me.


Why did that kid upset you?

Will you please just talk to me?



What was that kid saying?

I'm just building
content for my channel,

you wouldn't understand.


I don't understand.

What does that even
mean, I don't...


What's going on here?

Sam Zander.

He's the troll who fat shames
people on the internet.


I knew it.

Cimone, he's been lying
to us this whole time.

All right.

He's a monster in a costume.


I am achieving my
dreams when all you

ever do is talk about yours.

You stay here
waiting for something

that will never happen for you.

I have a million followers,
and I earned every one of 'em.

How many do you have?

Oh, and if you guys
wanna stop being on

the wrong end of people's jokes,

then maybe stop being such
an American freakin' tragedy.

Let go of me now!

Get off me!

You're supposed to feature
me on your channel.

Peace up, bash down!

Get off!

Stop it!

This is our renaissance.

The world is changing,
and you all have

front row seats to sit and
watch it happen on your screens.

If you wanna make it,
you have to create.

Otherwise, sit back
and enjoy the show.

'Cause all you'll ever be
is someone else's audience.

Very good.

You're a real hero
behind the keyboard.


And you'll make a great
house wife one day, Wendy.


Knee Cha, no.

I'm gonna kill you!

Knee Cha, stop!

- Come on, come on, stop.
- Get off of me!

Stop it,
it's not worth it.

Get inside, get inside.


Cimone, sweetie.

Come on.

Maybe he's right.

Okay, how
much have we raised

on that fundraiser site?

I don't know, 50 bucks?

- That's good.
- It's from Albert.

How is this not against the law?

I don't know.

There's nothing we can do.

His audience is split
down the middle.

There's people who love
him, people who hate him.

Both sides make him
money by watching.

You can't win.

You gotta kill him.

He's popular because
he hates everything.

He doesn't even know
who Holden Caulfield is.

I know!

I'm like him.

- No.
- No, Ann.

We both wanna be our own boss.

He's just found a way
to get an audience.

Well, you can read the
eulogy at his funeral.

Wait, Ann, what
are you thinking?

Oscar tells us that we're here

to build a great resume,

but we're actually
building a great eulogy.

Sam Zander!

Search and destroy!

Dude, yes!

Yes, dude, yes!

Man, I need to stop smokin'.

Dude, why are
you walking alone?

Oh dude, he's
thinking about his

- next top 10 debunked videos.
- Yes, yes!


Actually, my car broke down.

Oh, dude, we had to
take four hour shifts

just to get here man, oh my god.

who's we white man?


It doesn't work like that.

Hey, do you guys
happen to have

a couch I could
crash on tonight?

Dude, so what
time does Patronies close?

- Yes!
- We totally went by there

and the lights were all off.

But that's probably the reason

why they're closing, right?


Oh, and there's
a bunch of cars

still in the parking
lot, it's weird.

So how does this work?

Yeah, can you set us
up like that Asian guy?

Yeah, he has his
own channel now?


We could
be the two dudes!

The two dudes!

Dude, oh, oh, and
don't worry about

the Feminist2oh25 comments.

We totally handled
that keyboard warrior.

Yeah, she should
do the world a favor

and just kill herself.

Whoa, dude.

Look man, what we're
trying to say is that

you're an inspiration, man.

You're the only truth
teller on the internet.

Only one.

Thanks guys, but look,
I don't have my equipment.

- So you guys have a good night.
- Oh dude, but that's okay

'cause I brought mine.

We could use mine.

We've been recording
you since we

got out of the car.

You know, for people to
see how you are off camera.

You know what I mean?

I can't wait to see the
comments when I post this.

Dude, my dad said never
to meet your heroes,

but like, in person
you're totally dope.

Yeah, we didn't
even know when we

were gonna catch
you by yourself.

I always thought
that you'd be all

around all the
females, you know?

But I guess you are
still undercover, so,

yeah, that makes sense.

So yeah man.

Uh, Sammy, when my
friend, is the next party?

Yeah, is there
another bonfire tonight?

- Bonfire!
- Bonfire!

- Tonight!
- Bonfire!

Turn that off man, come on.

Ah, come on man.

Yeah, bonfire!

Man, turn it off!


Just met the president of
Peace Up, Bash Down channel,

Mr. Sam Zander,
and you know what?

He's not even as
cool as you think.

He's more of a lone
soul, so needless to say,

we're no longer fans.

Sam Zander.

More like Sam Phony.

Turn it off, dude!

touch his phone, bruh.

You're about to become
World Star famous, bro.

Yeah, dude.

We got Sam Zander,
president of Peace Up,

about to get bashed
down channel!

- Oh!
- Yeah!

World Star!

Hey, you comin'?

He's gotta come back
for his car sometime.


You okay?


Come on.

My life thinks you
look like Brad Pitt.

Thank you.


Here you go.

It's just a phase.

When you're in it,
you think it might

be that way forever.

The 60s were about free love.

The 70s, with the hippies.

The 80s with the
cocaine and jogging.

Today, the art of
listening is gone

because of all
these technologies.

But it's just a phase, Johnny.

It's um,


My name's Sam.

That's a good name.

My grandson's Sam.

You know, sometimes when
bad things happen to me,

I say to myself, "Guillermo."


It's just a phase.

Got it!

I believe you
owe me some money.

I uh, I wrote that
for you last night.

A letter of recommendation.

Yeah, you can keep that.

Just be a good guy.

"Just be a good..."

Why do people say that?

This is how I make a living.

You feel alive?

Do I feel alive?

Oh, god.

Other than yesterday,
and apparently last night,

have you ever once
had a conversation?

Went to dinner with one
of your followers, hm?

The whole internet
is my conversation

and my dating life is just fine,

but thanks for asking.

You know, I watched the
first video you ever published.

How you were
battling depression.

Mad at the world
'cause you couldn't

find a job as a journalist.


You know, it almost
felt like I was

watching a real human
being with feelings there.

I wonder how much
of that guy is left.

What's left is I'm a
successful journalist now,

making my own way in the world.

Like you, or like you before
you put your business under.

And like me, you
need an audience.

You cater to them
the same way I do.

Different methods shooting
for the same results.

You're like me.

I'm just better at it.

You know, when you
get to be my age,

and I do hope you get there,

you'll start to realize that
everybody used to be something.

You just make sure that this
is the something that you want.

'Cause it'd be a
real, real tragedy

if you did this because
you thought you had to

in order to make
something people want.

I wish you more than luck, Sam.



Is for losers.

It's just a phase.

Well they say giants fall
hard, but I did not expect this.

Boss man gave me a
letter of recommendation.


What do you guys think?

Should we read this

I can't imagine what
this says, it's...

Rough night?

Some cars are poorly made.

Leaving your lights on,
that's sort of a user error.

Yeah, I'm starting
to learn that.

It still runs though.

Tell me, Sam.

What happens when you
sacrifice everything you have

for a dream that
doesn't work out?

What are you left with?

Well, this video's
only projected

to have a couple million views

and the one before had nine.

So it seems like my business
is in a bit of a decline.

I don't know.

Maybe I need to choose
some better subjects.

Something a little
more interesting.

Nice one.

Look, ladies and
gentlemen, there she is.

Cimone, Patronies own Academy
award winning actress.

I could've had her.

So lonely.

Never find happiness.


You guys wanna watch a video
of him gettin' knocked out?

I do.

Let's go.

This is gonna be our
last Tuesday together.

- Hello.
- Oh, hey.

What are you doin'?

Ah, I think I
wanna make movies.


Oh, don't worry,
you're already casted.

Oh, thank you, but what
are you doing right now?

Ah, it's hard to
say because it's

always right now, you know?

What are you doing
on your phone, nimrod?

Scrolling through
John's videos.

I've been watching
his camera angles...

Come on, seriously?

- Don't watch his stuff.
- Well he didn't log

out of his account on my phone,

so I've been
studying how and when

he releases his videos.

He's got a real
strategy behind this.

He just keep goin'...

Hey Cimone, come here,
you've got to see this.

Ann, this is how we do it.

Got my to go orders?

Hey man.

I always wondered if
you had a name tag.

I don't wear it.

Bureaucratic reasons.

So we have full
access to John's account?


I say we just delete everything.

He probably has back ups.

Well, whatever, it'd
take him like hours

to find all of that,
so we delete it all.

So his videos would
go back to zero views?


And he'd have to start over.

Cimone, welcome
to the dark side.

It's about time.

Do it.

I got accepted!

- Wendy, that's awesome!
- Yeah!

I'm going in the Spring.

I've been doing so much research

into like their culture.

Oh my god, I gotta sit down.

Yeah, yeah, wait, wait, wait.

UNCW has a culture?

No, get this, get this.

I'm going to the
University of Primorska.

- Primorska?
- Yeah, it's a thing.

And it's got free tuition,
even for non citizens.

Wait, where's Primorska at?



I know, I know.

I guess I gotta get a
passport now, right?

Yeah, I guess you do.

So wait, wait, wait, what
are you gonna be studying?


No, don't play language games.

- Tell me, for real.
- No, no, no.

It's called positive psychology.

You gettin' a
PhD in happiness?

Well it's undergrad, but yeah.

Oh my god, Wendy, I am
so freakin' proud of you.

Thank you, thank you.

I, I didn't do it for you.

Oh man, I don't
care why you did it.

You are going to be
gettin' out of here.

- Thank you, thank you.
- Yeah.

I gotta go, I gotta
go tell Knee Cha.

- Yeah, yeah, tell him.
- Okay, okay.

Knee Cha, come here!

Come with me.

Come with me.

What's wrong, Ann?


Are you smilin'?

It's like you are smiling.

What is that about?

Come on.

Oscar's more of a
father figure than anyone

my mom brings home.

I come in early
every morning just

to hang out with him for a bit.

- Is this for Oscar?
- It's for us.

It was a good job.

I don't know what else to say.

And cut.

Good work, brother.

Okay, Albert, you're up.

All right, cool.

All right, come on over here.

All right, so what
we got going on?

All right, you're gonna stand,

you're gonna stand
right here, right here.


Right in front of that
thing, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Turn around, turn around
for me, very good.

You handle me too much, Jack.


All right now, ready?

In three, two, one.


I applied to work
here because I had a kid

and I missed the first
two years of her life

and I was determined that I
wasn't gonna miss any more.

So Oscar gave me an
opportunity to do that

and I'm always
gonna be grateful,

even though I punched you
when you tried to hug me.

And I didn't mean it,
but when a 6'8" dude

comes in to hug you,
it's not gentle love.

So I thank you man,
I appreciate it.


Nah, I'm just playin'.

And cut.

- Very nice.
- That was good, right?

- Yeah, yeah, yeah.
- All right, all right.

Not too much?

I came out a little
over two years ago

and the only aspect of my life

that hadn't flipped upside
down was Patronies Pizza.

To all the Sam Zander
fans out there,

if you wanna be a
part of a good cause,

click the box here
to make a donation

to help us keep
this place going.

- We need more people.
- You wanna get Patrone?

He spoke today.

The testimonials
are nice, but uh,

they only fit on
the small screen.


She's got a plan.

Every person,
past and present.

Just to be clear,
you're asking for my help?

Can you do it?

Pinky swear you need my help.

Okay, yay.

Um, I'll have Albert
draw up a list of names

and then where should I start?

From the beginning.

Okay, I can do it.

Yes, I can.

I believe in myself.

Guess this is what she meant

by buildin' a great eulogy.

Told you.


What if we can't
get the people here?

We're gonna get them
here, they're gonna come.

Okay, right.

I believe in us.

- We got this.
- Should we do affirmations?

Teamin' on.

It's too much.

I know, I'm really
trying with you.

- Send an email.
- Okay.

She wants my help.

Hey Wendy.


Lettin' the rabbit
out of the cage, huh?


That's very poetic.

Well I was letting
him take a crap

before we get into the car.

What'd you name this one?


Of course.

Hey Wendy?

We're all gonna miss
you, where you're goin'.

I'm gonna miss you too.

Hey, don't have too
much fun in Transylvania.

- It's Slovenia.
- Same thing.

- It's a place.
- Yeah, whatever.

Hey Knee Cha.

I forgot to tell
you that yesterday

was the last day for deliveries.

How you doin', you
doin' all right?


I know it's about to start.

Goin' back?

I got to really know the guy

who led the program last time.

So uh, I've been
thinking about asking him

if I can become his apprentice.

Sounds like a plan.


- I didn't fail.
- I know that.

I'm just going
in on my own terms.

I see you've
given God a break.

I guess so.

Hey, you're turning
in your badge?

Uh uh.

It's for you.

"We're all in the gutter.

"Some of us just choose
to look at the stars."

I wanted to thank you for that.

Thank you, pal.

This is really cool.

It's time.

Time for what?

- Keep 'em closed.
- Okay.

We may never be famous.

Hardly anyone will
remember our name.

But what we do
have is each other.

And today we brought
everyone here

whose lives have forever
been changed by you.

Okay, you can open your eyes.



I was 16 and I'd just be
hanging around this place.

I was gettin' in to
all sorts of trouble,

and you gave me a broom.

You brought me in like family
and now I have one of my own.

You were always more
influential than any

of those books you made
us read.

You know workin'
here changed me.

Not just books, but
people, and then to have

my daughter work
here was too cool.

Hey boss.


I see my name tag
tradition held up.

Well boss, we took this
and had everybody sign it

from the past to the present.

This is the one I used
when I dropped that pizza

on the ground and
you said I couldn't

apply the five second rule, so,

here you go.

Thank you.

Everyone who has worked
for Patronies Pizza is here

in one form or another.



You know, I always knew
when we started this project

that I wanted something more
than just a pizza restaurant.

It's every book
report you turned in,

even though some of
you hated doing it.


But they all just, they
brought me so much joy.

Yeah, I think it's
because I wanted

to hear about how
you viewed the world,

and books meant
something to me, but,

it was so much more interesting

to hear what they meant to you.

So thank you all for that.


You've taught me so much and
when I think about my life,

I've learned that
I'll forget way more

than I could ever remember.

It's like trying to hold sand

with your fingers open.

A lot of it falls away,
but the important stuff,

it'll stick to your hand.

Thank you.


I was trying to think of a
good metaphor, like Wendy.

But uh...

It's two ply.

It's perfect.

Thank you.

This has all been
really very touching.

But how about we get some pizza?


Love it!

So this guy came in and
asked for eight slices,

and I was like, well, it'd be
cheaper to get the large pie.

And he says to me,
"I want eight slices

"broken up on
individual plates."

So I come back with
the whole large pie

and say, "Nothing can be
broken when everything is one."

Then he asks me if I'm
feeling okay and I say,

"Considering humanity's
just a bunch of apes

"with ego trips, I'm
doin' just fine."

Then I served all eight
slices on individual plates.

And he looks at me
and says, "Shalom."

So then it hit me.

Not only did I just
serve pizza to Incubus,

but Brandon Boyd may
be a little Jewish.

Maybe I am, too.

The thing is, if you
wanna be religious

or a rapper or a poet, go do it.

Just don't be an a-hole,

'cause everyone else is
trying to find their own thing

and way through this
contradictory, beautiful mess

of a world to get
to the root of their

true, authentic individuality.

And if that aint true, at
least it's a pretty thought.

Basically, we're all
just a small slice

of a very old, extra large pie.

We all come out of
the oven the same way,

spend our lives in our own ways,

only to get eaten in the end.

And, well, you know how the
digestive system works by now.

So what makes the perfect pizza?

I'll give you a hint:

it's a circle.

Typically it has eight slices.

You could have more,
you could have less,

but any amount is
better than none at all

and what makes it perfect is

if by the end you enjoy it,

and then you keep
eatin' it and then...


Come on.

They get it, stop
talking to them.

As much as I love
portraying Sir Kerouac,

I gotta admit,


and the act of writing,

only point towards reality.


They never get there.

Got that?

What are you doin'?

Checkin' me out or somethin'?

Get outta here.

Who is Sam Zander?

I wanted to post this
video today to let you guys

know I'm taking a
break from my channel.

Not because I'm gonna stop
searching for the truth,

but because in a way, I feel
like maybe I already found it.

It was a famous French
writer who once said,

"I tore myself away from
the comfort of certainties

"through my love for truth,
and truth rewarded be."

Her name was Simone de Beauvoir.

If she's out there
listening somewhere,

I just wanna let her
know that I'm sorry.

Maybe, maybe she can forgive me.

Also, I left my lights on,

and I could really
use a jump start.