7 chili in 7 giorni (1986) - full transcript

Today, July 17th 1977...

...by the powers vested in me
by the Dean of Rome University...

...I proclaim the candidate
Tamburini Alfio...

...Doctor in Medicine and Surgery...

...with a grade of 85/110.

Congratulations.

Darn!
I'm sorry.

Thank you!
Thank you so much!

Sorry, I'm a bit nervous.

Thank you. Goodbye.

Have a good day,
and goodbye.



Many thanks.

Wooo!

-Bravo!
-Give me the bottle.

-Hooray!
-Very good!

-The cork slipped my hand.
-Look what you've done!

-What will we tell them?
-I'm sorry, Baracchi.

-Tell them you're sweaty.
-Fuck off, you imbecile!

-What score did you get?
-85!

Really? Good job!

85 kicks in the butt!
One, two, three...

Stop it... Enough!
We're in a university!

You made him angry!

Your dissertation
is disgraceful!

Don't speak that loud.
My father's here.



Up until page 50, it seems like
it was written by a nurse, not a doctor.

Plus, the photocopies look
terrible.

How come?
Must be the humidity.

We suggest you to
withdraw this thesis...

...and come back next year
with a new one.

Or...?

Or... I'll proclaim you with
the minimum score: 66/110.

-Think about it.
-Proclaim me.

Make it 70/110. Deal?

- Get ready.
- 70, OK?

(whispering) We
should've failed him.

Yeah, he's a dunce!

By the powers vested in me
by the Dean of Rome University...

...I proclaim you Doctor in Medicine
and Surgery...

...with a score of 70/110.
Come.

Thank you!

-Won't you shake my hand?
-No.

Thanks anyway.

Smile, gentlemen!
Cheer!

Let's take another one.
Cheers!

> Come, Alfio!
Like that!

Alfio, what's wrong
with you today?

-Put more verve into it! You're distant.
-But I'm really focused...

I'm going to the Costa Smeralda
this summer and I'm wearing a bikini.

I want those bimbos in Porto Rotondo
to die of envy!

-Dr. Alfio, I'm going.
-Okay.

The senator in the sauna.

-He's got another five minutes.
-Okay.

-Don't leave him inside.
-Don't worry. Bye.

Doctor, we need more shampoo
tomorrow.

All right. Good evening.

Doctor, a man in the office
wants to speak to you.

-Who is it?
-I don't know.

-Yes?

-Hello!
-Hello.

I work for Munchen
Esnaider Cosmetics.

I don't need anything!

-We have offices in all of Europe.
-Yes, but...

I want to show you
our best sellers.

-I'm closing for the day...
-Have we met before?

I never met you, or the other
12 salesmen who visited today.

I'm sorry, but I'm doing it
in your best interest.

My best interest is for you
to close this suitcase and leave.

I already have a contract
with Jet Set Inc.

No! Not Jet Set!

What?

Their whole lineup
is carcinogenic!

Stop with that nonsense!
They're n.1 in Italy!

-You're talking to a physician.
-Yeah? I'm also a physician.

All right. Goodbye.

Goodbye to you
and your refugee suitcase!

Do you just remove calluses?
Or do you also transplant them?

I may remove calluses,
but I have a degree in Medicine!

See? You feel like
an ass, don't you? Bye!

What are you doing?
Don't touch that!

Don't mess with my stuff.
Put that back.

PHONE RINGS
I'm closing! Put that back!

Hello, "Maison de Beauté"?.
Yes, ma'am.

What? You're not supposed to eat
the seaweed! It goes on your skin!

They're poisonous!

Be careful. See you on Tuesday.
Goodbye.

Are you still here?

-Silvano Baracchi!
-Alfio Tamburini!

-Oh my gosh! What are you doing here?
-Alfio!

-I didn't recognize you!
-You smell good.

It's been so long...

What's with the suitcase?

-And you? Nice place you set up here.
-Come have a seat.

I tried to find a job as a doctor,
but I couldn't find anything.

I got offered a job in a refugee camp
in Yemen. Would you ever do that?

- Fuck yes!
-Really?

Not me. I'm afraid to go
in those countries.

-Trabucchi got lucky, though.
-Who is he?

He studied with us at
University.

Remember him? He was ugly
and said "FEESH" (fish)

I remember him! He would say:
"I don't want BASTA, I want ZOUP".

He's a neuro-surgeon in a
private clinic in Brescia.

To make a buck, I had to give
massages door-to-door.

Like the "masseuses" you see
in classified ads?

What? No, not that.
I'm not a hooker.

So one day, a client called me,
I gave her massages for a week.

You know what happened?
I got married to her!

She's pretty well-off, and
she helped me open up this place.

Business in not bad at all...

...but I will forever be
"Alfio the Beautician".

-Is she cute?
-Who?

Your wife. Is she cute?

She's nice.

-Very?
-What?

-Is she very nice?
-Yeah...

What are you doing
with that suitcase?

-My whole life is in here.
-Really?

Here are the beauty products.
They're just to break the ice.

-What's in here?
-My home!

Socks, underwear, shirts...

Then we have three layers.

First layer: wiener creams.

Lazy wieners, fast wieners,
small wieners...

Second layer...

Condoms!

They're great!
"Orient Express", "Duron Duron"...

..."Sventrax", "Tormiento".

And here's the porn tapes catalog.

-Interested?
-No.

Third layer.

No!

What do you...

VIBRATOR BUZZING
It doesn't stop!

Don't worry, it's automatic.

A relay turns it off
when it overheats.

I see.

-And you travel around with all this?
-I'm always sold out at Christmas time!

SAUNA ALARM

-I hear a buzzer.
-God! I left a customer in the sauna!

The handle is stuck!

Senator, open up from the inside!

-It's 100°C inside!
-Calm down.

It's your fault! Creams,
tubes, vibrators...

-Let me do it.
-Come on, pull!

Fucking hell!
Stay away!

Oh God!

It's a tragedy! Senator?
I can't see you.

Alfio? Alfio?

What do you want?

Are you sweaty?

He's all stiff, his head is hot!

-Was he allowed to have a sauna?
-What?

Did he give you a doctor's note?

Only healthy people
can get into a sauna.

>Look in the file cabinet
under "Pinna Manlio". Hurry!

-Pinna Mario.
-Manlio! With an L!

"Customer complaints",
"Waxing quotes"...

"Pinna"!

What a disaster!

This man has a heart condition.
"Ventricular hypertrophy".

-Didn't you know?
-No.

This is felony territory!

Look, his eyes are like
two boiled eggs!

-His wiener is also gone!
-Who cares about wieners now?!

Check his breathing.
Lord, help me! I beg of you!

-Let's see if the lighter blows off.
-What? Just check his heart beat!

He's all sweaty, it grosses me out.

Does it beat?

My ear got suction-cupped!
I'm stuck to him.

- Is the heart beating?
- I can't hear a thing.

-Dammit!
-You got yourself into big trouble.

Trouble? This is a huge tragedy!
This man died in my sauna!

And take that mustache off!
You look like a fool!

What am I supposed to do?

You need a doctor to write a death
certificate that doesn't mention saunas.

-So write it up, you're a doctor.
-You're also a doctor.

I can't do it. I own this place!

It's suspicious!

Manslaughter.
Seven years.

You should get seven years!
It's all your fault!

What am I supposed to do now?

Should I flee the country?
Turn myself in? Kill myself?

You need to calm down!

His heart condition could have killed him
anywhere, not just your sauna.

But he died in a sauna!

-What's with the blow-dryer?
-I'm fixing my hair.

That thing needs
125 volts! Not 220!

Why dry your hair
in the middle of this mess?

-Alfio?
-Yeah?

-There's only one thing for us to do.
-What?

Hide the body.

-Who's gonna hide him?
-We need to find a specialist.

-Where?
-I know a guy. He's a client of mine.

If somebody stops us, we'll tell them
it's a piano keyboard.

Okay.

We were playing the piano,
the keyboard broke...

...and we're making it disappear.
- It's grossing me out.

Oh yeah?

You have a degree in Medicine
and this grosses you out!

Come on!
Hurry up!

-Let's keep a low profile.
-Okay.

-Watch his head.
-What head? This is a piano keyboard.

-Did you see this?
-He's missing a sock!

-I couldn't find it in the dark.
-It's too big of a clue!

-"The mystery of the Blue Sock"!
-Stop it!

Let's take off the other
sock, then.

A senator with no socks?
That's it. I'm leaving.

Wait!
I'll give him one of mine.

So he'll have a dress sock
and a sports sock?

-Where did you buy those?
-In Capri. I'll just give him both!

Great. I'm leaving for real!

I got it. I'll give him mine.
They're blue.

We need to hurry up!
Let's go!

Aaah!

Sorry! It was an accident.

-Don't cry out.
-Okay.

-Where are you going?
-As far away as possible.

- Remember: you haven't seen him today.
-Okay.

-It's ten million lire. (6000 USD)
-Okay.

I'm not coming. I'm nervous.
I would only give you trouble.

-I put the socks on.
-Everything OK?

-Yes.
-Bravo!

I have to go to Tivoli. It's my wife's
birthday, there's people...

-A party?
-Yeah.

-Wow! Have fun, yeah?
-I'm paying you, you know?

-You're paying him, not me.
-Promise you'll help.

Help me!

-Your friend... what's his job?
-He runs a beauty parlor.

Indoor jogging, sauna, face lifts,
aerobics, body building...

-Contraband stuff?
-No, it's all legal. He has a degree.

-Let's bring him over there.
-Good idea.

The police will think he lied
about being in a sauna...

...so he could go pick up hookers!

Stop here.

-Here?
-Yeah.

-Should we drop him?
-Yeah.

-He fell with his legs spread out.
-We should undo his zipper.

Also, you should leave
a condom next to him.

I have some in my suitcase.

It's all here.

It's better if you put the condom on.

I'll do my best. I'm not sure
it's even possible.

I'll try with a Sventrax,
they're more malleable.

HOWLING

-He's alive!
-Who?

-The dead guy's alive!
-What?

I was slipping the Sventrax on him,
and he called me "Marisa".

-How are you?
-Where am I?

-We're 20 kilometers away from Rome.
-Why am I here? I was in a sauna.

Sir, we're men just like you.

Let's be honest: you came here
to pick up hookers.

You're lucky we were
passing by. We're doctors.

-Can you stand?
-So I have amnesia!

-How did I get here?
-We will never know.

This needs to stay a secret.
I'm in politics, you know.

Don't worry. We're both physicians.

He's a great cardiologist,
and I'm basically a urologist.

So we're bound by oath
to confidentiality.

-Please get in.
-Thank you.

My friend will be so happy
once he knows about this.

Hey! I still want the money!
Ten million!

-What should I tell my friend?
-That's your problem!

-All right. I got it.
-Good.

I got it, I got it.

Pour it!

Quick!

I disagree. Let's ask Alfio,
he's an expert.

What's the difference between
these whiskeys?

-I don't know.
-Which one is pure malt?

I'm not in the right mood.

-It's been a long time since I last drank.
-Come on, give it a try.

Jesus...

Not this.

Is that piss?

Alfio's great expertise
never disappoints!

Enough with these pranks!

-I've had enough of you!
-It was just broth, salt, and vinegar!

We've reached a limit! Enough!
You have to have respect!

-Enough with these pranks!
-Forgive them, Alfio.

-What's wrong? Don't be like that.
-I can't stand your brothers' vulgarity.

I'm a professional, not a clown.

Come on, honey! It's my party!
It was just a prank!

I don't feel well,
I have a headache...

-Keep eating those tranquilizers!
-I'm nervous.

-Being with you is so tiring!
-Leave me the hell alone!

I'm tired!

Get out of the way!

-Someone is looking for you.
-Who is it?

He said he was police.

-What did he say?
-"Police".

- What did you tell him?
-"Come in".

Are you mad?
Did you leave him outside?

Yes, but he wanted to come in.

-No! Go to grandma.
-I always have to worry here.

Hands up! Against the wall!
You're under arrest!

-Are you armed?
-No.

What's this between your legs?
A chicken?

-You have a chicken between your legs!
-Go to hell!

-Did you have trouble?
-No.

-Swear!
-I swear.

(whispering) Faster!

-How did you find me?
-You talked about a party in Tivoli...

I wanted to give you the good news
so you could rest easy.

-That man wants to be paid.
-Now? I don't have the cash.

A check is fine, too.

First, you need to tell me
exactly how it went down.

-Did you bury him?
-No.

-Did you use quicklime?
-We didn't have any.

-Sulfuric acid?
-No.

-Dynamite?
-No.

What then?

Nobody will know about it.
It'll be like he never died.

-Where did you dump him?
-Trust me and don't worry about it.

Swear it.

Swear it again.

How can I ever pay you back?

You saved me!

-Good job, big boy!
-Wait... hold on. What's happening?

-Are you aroused?
-It's a balled-up tissue!

-I felt something...
-So... Ten mill?

The man wants ten million.
I'm not getting any of it.

Of course. I know.

-Leave the name blank.
-Ten...

>Alfio!
-Yes?

Come. The cake's here.

This is Dr. Baracchi.
This is my wife, Samantha.

-Samantha with an H?
-Indeed.

Please to meet you.

He came to visit me yesterday,
and I invited him to the party.

Come have a toast with us.
It's my birthday!

Happy birthday!

-Will you?
-Of course.

We'll be right there.

-What?
-I took the check.

Have a taste of that Shanghai liqueur.
I got is as a gift from China!

-Here, Silvano.
-It's very good.

-Do you like this farmhouse?
-Yes.

The cake!

Happy birthday to you...

Happy Birthday to you...

FALLING NOISE
Aaah!

What a disaster!

Why isn't she in bed?
She's in a coma all day long!

She broke her femur three times
in two years, and has a huge cataract.

-She falls 20 times a day.
-Easy, easy.

Alfio, is your friend a doctor?
Please come here, Doctor!

-I'm also a doctor!
-No, we need a real doctor.

-Then ask him.
-Actually, I...

-I don't have my tools with me.
-What tools? Your bag's full of condoms.

-Please, take a look.
-Let me through to the patient.

Any history of childhood
diseases?

-Yeah, the plague!
-Don't you dare!

-Poor grandma!
-Check her femur.

I feel a fracture, but it's
about two years old.

Bravo! It's true!

Here, I feel another
healed fracture.

You're great at diagnosis!

Nothing else is broken.
At least not the femur.

The lady should be more careful
and go to bed early.

-Actually, she just shouldn't get up.
-That's what I always say!

The lady needs calcium.
Feed her some bones!

-Sit down.
-Cute and well proportioned!

-My wife?
-No, the house.

Ah, right.

-You're not wearing socks.
-I gave them to the senator.

What if someone
asks about it?

I don't know.

Tell them your feet got sweaty
while driving.

Very good.

But cover it up.
Cover it!

Who lives here?

Samantha's grandma,
with her caretaker.

-It's big.
-Yeah.

Samantha's grandfather would
come here for every holiday...

...with the whole family.
It's a really nice, big farmhouse.

-Who's the owner now?
-There's been an inheritance.

My brothers-in-law got
two supermarkets...

...and Samantha inherited
this villa, which is... you know?

How many rooms?

Three brothers, six cousins,
a few kids...

About 14 large rooms.

You could divide them up
to double them, in case...

-What?
-I'm just making conversation.

How many bathrooms?

What do you care?

Thank you for the beautiful evening.

Don't you realize we
killed a person tonight?

-What do you mean "we"?
-All right: a man got himself killed.

-A man killed himself?
-A man got killed tonight!

Don't be pedantic.

I've been taking anti-anxiety pills
all night! I was gonna turn myself in!

-I want to stay clean!
-Don't make a mess of this.

Don't be like that. You need
to believe in destiny.

It was the senator's
destiny to die today.

In a sauna?

-Yeah!
-In my sauna?

Some people die on planes,
some die in war...

...and some die in your sauna.
Take it easy! Life goes on.

-How's the rest of the house?
-What?

What's the other side
of the house like?

There's three more large rooms,
but they're full of old furniture.

-Perfect! We'll build a gym.
-Have you gone mad?

A weight loss clinic!
It's all the rage now.

Why haven't you thought about it already?
It's your job!

Right now, you're Alfio the
callous doctor. You know it's gross.

Here, you'd be back to being
Professor Alfio Tamburini.

-Specialist Dietitian.
-Exactly!

It's the perfect location,
barely outside the city.

-We'd need a bunch of money.
-We'll just sign a lease.

Think about the investment: the less
you feed people, the more you get paid!

-We don't have the skills.
-We'll find them.

-The skills?
-They can be found.

Here, the miracle happens.

Watch, gentlemen.
What you're looking at...

...is a framework of all the
natural cures and therapies.

What's this "shiatsu"?

-It's Japanese. It works!
-Yeah?

Of course! My business
planning practice...

...has synthesized the most
effective weight loss systems.

From America, France, Sweden,
Africa, and the Orient.

BELL
Excuse me.

-What's this experiment?
-Boiled eggs. It's time for my snack.

Pay attention, now.
Everything is in here.

Fasting techniques, massotherapy,
breathing practices...

...group psychotherapy, yoga,
active and passive gymnastics.

As long as you can set up a gym.

We can, we can.

"We can"?
Stop thinking about your job.

-Hold still, for a bit!
-Sorry. We can.

-And finally, we have the Chow!
-The Chow?

It's a substance that fills
the patient's stomach...

...tricks them into being full,
and keeps them at ease.

Once payment is made, the computer
will give you the formula.

-He's paying.
-Me?

If the client is a private person...

... I'll charge a flat fee,
but if it's a company...

...I'm happy with a share of
revenue. A simple 10%.

-We'll set up a company.
-"We'll set up, we can, we'll pay"?

Why do you use the plural?

I have to gut out a farmhouse,
renovate it, convince my wife...

There's a park with 200
centuries old trees!

And then drown in debt and IOUs?

What are you investing in all this?

I'll have to give up a
profitable line of business.

Come on! You just run around
with a suitcase full of rubbers!

Don't fight! You might be missing
the importance of my offer.

This idea will change
your lives!

What do you think about this slogan?

7 KILOS IN 7 DAYS.

This Chow grosses me out.

Silvano?

This says: "appetizing
vegetable green color".

-This looks more like a shampoo.
-Give it time to oxidize.

Don't talk about oxidation!
If the tub gets stained...

...my wife will be pissed off.
- Let's leave it like this, then.

-Give it a taste.
-You taste it. I don't trust it.

Nooo!

How is it?

-Not bad.
-What does it taste like?

-Like a paté.
-Really?

Paté?

A paté of diesel fuel!
It's like licking a piston!

We'll try and improve it.

Let's see the effect
inside the stomach.

Give me that bottle,
we'll simulate digestion.

-What's that?
-Hydrochloric acid.

No!

The stomach contains
hydrochloric acid.

-Really?
-Yes.

-It moves and inflates!
-Bubbles!

-What are you doing?
-What? We're working.

We're running lab tests.

You're breaking my balls!
Look at that mess!

-What do you want?
-The foreman's at the phone.

-Goodbye, ma'am.
-"Ma'am"?

Listen, what are we even putting
in our patients' stomach?

The computer made this!

-Should we trust it?
-A computer is a computer!

Will you help me wit this?

Will you help me?

-Tell me you'll help me!
-I'll help you.

Don't give me that look.
You scare me when you do that.

And clean up this green stuff.
Honey, where's the phone?

Doctor, the tiles just came in.
Should we start work?

-Sure... of course...
-Is there any problem?

No, I even fixed up the mortgage
payments. Is there anything else?

-Yes.
-Go ahead.

When will you take away
the Mrs's grandmother?

-What else did she do?
-She threw a brick at a worker.

There's so many hospices,
why keep her here?

-We can't work like this.
-I'm sorry. I'll fix it right away.

All right.

Samantha!

Samantha!

What is it?

Your grandma needs to move.
She's breaking people's balls!

Can't she live in her own home?

-No!
-Why?

She's a mummy, she can't stand up
and she beats up workers!

-I'm gonna freeze her like a fish!
-She's been living there for 40 years!

If you make her move, she'll die!

All right, honey, I'm sorry.
Please, sign these IOUs.

-No!
-Please, birdie.

I'm not signing!

-Please.
-I'm done signing.

-Let me go, Alfio!
-"Bambi"...

You ape!

You snake!

You're an ass! You offend her grandma
then ask her for money?

You know she loves her grandma.
And she's nervous, hysterical.

-You can tell she needs...
-She needs what?

She needs some "meat"!

How long since you last...?

What do you care?
How can you ask a question like that?

It's two years, next week.

What?

Next week, it'll be two years
since our last time.

-I'll try something.
-What?

I'll try to have her sign the IOUs!

Excuse me?

I'm sorry, ma'am.

-Ma'am, don't be like that.
-Alfio made a huge mess.

My brothers keep saying
I married a loser.

You're right.

-But this clinic will be a great move.
-Really?

I wouldn't have risked
all my existing business otherwise.

My suitcase is full
of convention invites.

Don't forget your husband
has a degree in Medicine.

He just needs to improve his self image
and feel accomplished.

You'll get your Alfio back
as a man...

...as a man of science...

...and as a male.

-Do you have children?
-No.

You'll see what's going to happen
in this very bed!

Alfio, give me a pen.

-Honey!
-Come on.

You're really kind.
Here. Sign here.

-Here, too?
-Yes.

Next Sunday, we could go
to Castel Gandolfo...

...and stay in that room
you like so much.

-Do I sign here, too?
-Yes. Make it readable.

-Here, too?
-Yes, honey. Sign them all.

-(whispering) Alfio!
-Here too? Really?

Yes, keep signing.

What the fuck!

-How many do I have to sign?
-All of them.

-Can I go to the toilet?
-You must! Excuse the mess...

-All right?
-Yes, that's fine.

Thank you.

-You need to take grandma away.
-Why?

-She's breaking our balls!
-You're unbearable.

-Where are you going?
-To the other room.

-Stay here.
-Let me go.

-I have to go.
-Stay here. Get on the couch.

It's been two years since
we made love. I'm horny.

You look different today.
You smell great.

-Alfio, where's the plunger?
-Under the stove.

There's a lot of foam,
lots of humidity...

The Chow is everywhere!

-You've been in the way for three days!
-Ma'am, I'm working.

Go away!

-Is August 20th OK?
-That's three months away!

-This is a IOU, not a check!
-Please let me breathe, I'm drained!

All right.
>Doctor?

Yes? Place it properly.

It's leaning to the right,
make it level.

-Like this?
-Yes.

What message do you
get from this painting?

What do you mean?

What does it communicate to you?

It communicates...

...that the guy in the back wants
to steal the chicken from the other guy.

Go to hell!

That's what I get from it.
Actually, it made me hungry.

-That, too!?
-I'll clock off and grab lunch.

-Are you crying?
-No.

-I fed the Chow to the cat.
-You look like an Apache.

Very funny! What if
it scratched my eyeball?

That's nonsense.

What if it tore my vocal cords
out of my throat?

You think a cat can do that?
Stop it!

You laugh, but if I get an infection,
I'm gonna die.

Don't ever talk about death again!
Okay? Don't say that stuff to me.

-Did the cat eat it?
-Yes.

-Was he happy with it?
-Have you seen my face?

But it works!
The cat got bloated.

Damn! It looks like my wife.

It's coming up any second now.

Here it is!

(TV) Losing weight is no longer
a problem. Just outside of Rome...

...surrounded by Nature,
lies Villa Samantha.

Our poor farmhouse!

You criticize already?
It's just started!

Followed by renowned
international professionals...

- Renowned by whom?
-Fuck off!

...you can walk your way
to happiness and health.

Your road to ruin!

-They ruined my home!
-Calm down!

-That hag has ruined my commercial!
-You need to show her respect!

-What's the weight, doctor?
-Two kilos less that yesterday!

I used to look like her, but I
turned into this in 15 days!

Remember, friends, your life
will turn from this, to this!

No, my dear colleague. It will turn
from this, to this!

Why? It's all gravy that...

...melts away!

Villa Samantha! Satisfaction guaranteed,
or your money back.

That, too?!

(TV) Next opening: May 15th.
We're waiting for you.

This is not the end of it.

Samantha, aren't you going to say
something? You're 300 millions in debt.

She's my wife,
and she owns the place!

They're here,
let's make the announcement.

Make a radio host voice.

"We're pleased to welcome you
aboard the clinic..."

"...and we wish you
a pleasant stay."

"Aboard"?
Is this a plane?

(stuttering)
"Don't forget... in the garden..."

"...your... handbag and
your personal belongings."

"Villa Samantha wishes again
to welcome..."

"...our customers in our Villa.
Thank you!"

You've been assigned
room number 11. Come.

Thank you.

This room is beautiful!
What's that picture?

-Are they mad at us?
-We're the only ones here.

LOOK AT YOU
YOU'RE DISGUSTING

They're so pissed off!

My sweet Callas!
You want me slim?

(singing) I'm ready!

Good, we did it!

Monsignor, let me show you
to your room.

(loudspeaker)
We kindly ask our customers...

...to gather in the
medical room for an interview.

There's even a monsignor!

I think I saw him in the Vatican.

-I don't wanna be here!
-Stop it!

Be good.

The first two patients, please!

I had asked for a Latin
mass book in my room.

Why is there Pope Paul's
mass book instead?

We'll get to that later.

If they give me an injection,
I'll kick their butts!

-Please come in.
-Good morning.

-You are Mister...?
-Turri.

Let's see the blood work.

Why did you decide to come here?

I'm a local councilman in charge
of public food health...

...for the City of Viterbo.
You see? Public food health.

Those are the caricatures I get.
I feel like I'm being persecuted.

The elections are coming up
and I want to look more dynamic.

-You smoke too much.
-I've never smoked.

You might be holding it
upside-down.

Sorry! I handle thousands
of these in a day.

-I understand.
-I got confused.

Doctor, I can't fit
in the elevator anymore.

My apartment is
on the fourth floor.

Either they make the elevator bigger,
or I make myself smaller.

My building is full
of stingy people...

... so I decided to come here.
That'll show them!

Ma'am, I'll turn you
back into a young girl.

-Really?
-And that's not all.

You'll be able to make love again!

-I'll bring my husband here, then!
-Of course.

I have to play in "The Sleepwalker".
Look at me. I can't show myself like this!

If you grow a beard, you
could play Falstaff.

What if I ingest a tapeworm,
like Maria Callas did?

That's gross! Also,
you'd need a Cobra.

You're a boxer,
and want to lose weight?

I have an important
match coming up.

If you make me lose weight,
I'll thank you on TV, if not...

If not, you won't pay me.

-No! I'll to wreck this place. Got it?
-What?

-Got it?
-Yeah.

Good for you,
you'll live longer.

My husband and I
are madly in love...

...but we can't make love
the conventional way.

Be more specific.

Because of our bellies.
We have to do it sitting down.

-Which one of you is the chair?
-We switch places each day.

Yeah, we take turns.

We'll fix your problem, but we're a clinic,
not a woodworking shop.

Of course.

Please, have a seat. I'm Dr. Tamburini,
pleased to meet you.

Let's see your blood work.
Thank you, very kind of you.

Beautiful!

Gorgeous!

Magnificent urea levels.

Exceptional glucose.

A most delicate cholesterol.

Fantastic triglycerides,
marvelous urine.

-Congratulations.
-Thank you.

You're welcome.

His therapist says it's from
a lack of affection.

But that's not true.
We live for our son.

Paolone is just
a disobedient glutton.

It's the first time we are apart.
We're so heartbroken.

-Be strict, doctor!
-How am I supposed to lose weight...

...if this guy is fatter than me?
Look at that double chin!

-How dare you?
-Watch your manners!

I'll make you lose weight
by kicking your ass!

Go ahead.

I'm in charge of the Vatican Office
for food aid to the Third World.

I personally bring foodstuffs
to those countries.

Wheat, corn, sugar, flour...
Whatever I can.

-But it's never enough.
-I understand.

You should see those skinny
African children...

...the look in their eyes.

They look at me, as if to say
"Father, father..."

"You ate all our food!"

More or less.
That's the reason why...

...I'm entrusting myself to you.
-You made a good choice.

-Aaah!
-Oh God!

Silvano, come and help!
Quick!

Monsignor, can you get up?
Should we call a tow truck?

Don't try to be funny!

Remember to eat
every last spoonful.

It's important!

Our Chow doesn't rust
and doesn't stick to the bottom.

Are you stupid?
It's food, not paint.

-You can eat half, if you want.
-Why? It's delicious.

Did you hear that?
They like it.

The cat ate its last portion
last night. He was quite happy!

Perfect!

Before our therapy, our nurse
Miriam used to look like you.

That's true.

-Like me?
-More or less.

Trust us, our therapy works!

We suggest you drink a lot
of our diuretic water.

Chew slowly...

Has anybody seen my cat?

This mummy just
won't leave us alone!

-Calm down, customers are here.
-Okay.

-Who's this bunch of lard asses?
-What do you want? Get out!

Carry on with your meal,
enjoy.

They're old customers. They're
so satisfied, they won't leave.

CRASH
What happened?

What a blow!

-What's that?
-A chair just exploded!

-Doctor!
-Sit down, don't worry.

-It's all right.
-I'd just bought her elastic pants.

You should have spent more
for he furniture.

I'm the only one paying here!
You haven't bought a single cup!

Relax your hip muscles.

Slowly rotate your
huge butts.

Good!

Last exercise.
Spread your legs...

...raise your arms...

...then bend down to grab
you ankles from the inside.

Try not to overdo it.
Get down.

TEARING NOISE

-What happened, Monsignor?
-My jumpsuit couldn't keep up.

Go change. Enough
with the exercise.

Dead?

Collision course!

Alfio!

I can't hear you!

I can't hear you!

-I'm working.
-The cat died!

-Dad, they want you on the phone.
-Who is it?

A man saying his cat died
and 30 people are in danger.

Darn it!

-You get the phone next time.
-All right.

Hello?
What happened?

-How much Chow did you feed him?
-The customers ate it too!

-Are the customers in danger?
-Wait!

What does the corpse look like?

The corpse...

Don't call it a corpse!
Call it a cat!

-It has a cadaveric look.
-No shit. It's dead!

Eyes wide open, tongue sticking out,
traces of green vomit.

There's also traces of green poop.

-The poop is greener than the vomit!
-Stop it! Tell him about the whimper.

Last night, the cat was going:
"Aaah, aaah, aaah".

No! It was a whimper.
Like "Eeeh, eeeh, eeeh".

With a bit of...
Was it not like that?

-No.
-What was it like?

-"Aaah!".
-No!

Bring me the cat, I'll conduct
an autopsy.

What about the customers?

It would be advisable to pump
their stomachs as a precaution.

All right. I'll send you the cat.
Goodbye.

The cat to Professor Iovine. Go!

Bring the cat to Professor Iovine!

Quick!

-What an asshole.
-You picked him.

The Ministry recommended him to me.

Hurry up with the Vespa!
They must've not come to Beijing yet.

Move!

And hurry up.

Put her to bed. Today's
not a good day!

To bed! Today is critical!

-What should we do with the clients?
-Let's wait for the autopsy.

What if they die?

The professor told me to give them
a stomach pump, for safety.

Why do you give me that look?
Answer me!

Give me support! Please Doctor,
let's go to the medical room.

CRASH
God! It hurts!

"Gastric lavage is performed
with a Faucher tube".

-We'll buy one in a pharmacy.
-There's no time.

We just need a tube with a pump.

Read up about the alkaline
solution.

"Trim the nails,
shave the arm..."

-What are you reading?
-Here.

Here! Under "Poisoning"!

-You were reading about burns!
-It was the same page.

"Bicarbonate, soap, salt..."

Have a seat, ma'am.

-What do they mean by "purifying"?
-It's like with Spa water...

-Right, Miss?
-I know it's a Finnish method.

What do the Finns have to do
with any of this?

-First patient, please.
-That's me.

No, the Monsignor comes first.
Come in.

Why can't I be first?

We prefer to keep
a chronological weight order.

I see.

- Please, have a seat.
-Here?

No! Lay down here.

-Please.
-Will I be safe here?

-Of course.
-It's stainless steel.

Slowly...
Relax and take a deep breath.

-Go ahead.
-What are you measuring?

Don't worry.

-Open you mouth and go "aaah".
-Aaah...

Excuse me.

Did the cat's breath smell weird?

-What does his smell like?
-Like methane!

-That's dangerous. No smoking around him.
-Stop it.

Let's hurry up.

Should I go "aaah"?

-No!
-Close your eyes and hold your breath.

-What?
-It's an American method.

It'll be over by the time
of a prayer.

-Are you sure?
-I'm certain.

-One, two, three...
-Go!

GURGLING

-Should we really trust those doctors?
-I don't know. May God help us.

Next.

-I said, chronological weight!
-Again? I'm getting pissed off.

-When is my turn?
-You're one of the last.

What happened to the Monsignor?

What do you mean?
He's taking a walk in the park.

-What are you doing to me?
-Nothing at all.

Don't worry, it's a simple
throat inspection.

-Will it damage my vocal cords?
-No, they're somewhere else.

-Go "aaah".
-Aaah.

Her tonsils are huge!
Will the tube fit?

Let me handle it.

Go!

-It's in!
-Pump it!

-Hold still, you pig!
-Aaaaah!

SCREAMS AND GURGLING

I can't take it anymore!

Jesus Christ!

So?

We only got the boxer
and the good looking lady left.

-Let's do the lady first.
-No, let's do the boxer!

-Will you shove the tube down his throat?
-I feel bad doing it to the lady.

We're running out of time.
It could be dangerous.

-What about Paolone?
-He's not here

-Where is he?
-I don't know.

PHONE RINGS
Wait!

Hello?
Yes, professor!

What's the news?

What? Really?

Splendid!

So how did that fucking
cat die, anyway?

He had a two-inch fish bone
stuck in his trachea.

Don't worry. The Chow
had nothing to do with it.

>Tartufini Cookies!

I'm getting some of that!

-Gotcha!
-No! Let me go!

-You fell for it, you disgusting whale!
-I'll send you both to jail!

Move! You're coming with me.

I'll make you throw up everything
you ever ate!

I fucking hate you!

Move!

-Why are you not visiting us?
-What?

Upon closer inspection of
your medical records...

...we realized your blood profile
is pretty much perfect.

So my colleague and I
concurred...

...and deemed this visit
unnecessary.

It would have been good for you,
but it's a bit uncomfortable.

We've been waiting for
four hours here!

It's ultimately Dr. Baracchi's
responsibility.

He's the resident analyst.
I'm just...

Anyway, I trust Dr. Baracchi.

He's a great diagnostician...

>You disgusting pig!
-Let me go!

Right... Excuse me, he's calling
me for a consultation...

We'll see you tonight
for the psycho-dinner.

-The what-dinner?
-Psycho-dinner.

-What's that?
-It's dinner.

-What's he talking about?
-Don't worry, you'll eat.

-Silvano?
-I'm in charge here...

...and I'm pumping your stomach!
Come on, lay down!

-The professor called.
-So?

The cat died from a fish bone!

-All that work for nothing.
-Who cares!

You fucked it all up.
You're a pair of dumbasses!

-How dare you?
-You boor!

-You deserve worst than that!
-Oh yeah?

-You're a frog!
-Watch your language!

We'll pump your stomach
and we'll enjoy it!

Nougat, peanuts, salami...

-Candy, chocolate...
-Cured pork, cheese, sausage!

-Sauerkraut!
-You've eaten a whole supermarket!

Where are you hiding all this?

-Speak!
-Never!

-Look, a pineapple!
-This is crazy.

-Chocolate everywhere.
-You disgusting anaconda!

I'll make your face
look like a truck tire.

Do that! So my mom
won't pay you!

Oh yeah?

-You know where you can put these?
-You're vulgar!

-I'm checking the bathroom.
-Damn you!

Look at this!
Condensed milk...

...Anchovy paste. He brushes
his teeth with anchovy paste!

Of course! His mouth
smells like a pizza!

He pisses me off so much!

I'll force a therapy
down his throat.

I'll kick his ass until he gets
a nervous breakdown!

Look at this!
This is crazy!

He was keeping this stuff cool
in the toilet tank!

-"The spy who came in from the fridge"!
-And this salami under his bed?

I'd like you to taste this salami.
It's supposed to be very spicy.

-Aaah!
-Oh God! I'm sorry.

-Sorry. Did I hurt you?
-No.

Sorry, he has a narrow head.

Tonight, you'll have a psycho-dinner,
that is, a dinner for the psyche.

It's an ancient form of fasting created
by Buddhist monks in the 7th Century.

BC or AD?

-BC or AD, doctor?
-It's the same.

There's not much difference.

Your fantasy will create the illusion
of food that doesn't exist.

A non-existing food you can eat
until you're full.

That's the beauty of it.

A bit like the multiplication
of bread and fish.

Don't be silly!
That was a real thing!

I'm not so sure about that!

Quiet, please!

Let's not mix diet with religion.

You have a large buffet here.
You can help yourselves.

As doctor Baracchi said...

...in the tradition
of Buddhist fasting...

...the monks would think about their
favorite meal: wood chips and sand.

But we thought we'd prepare you
a more familiar meal.

-Something Mediterranean!
-That's right.

-Please, come.
-Wait a moment.

Let's focus for five seconds.

Raise your hands,
press against your temples...

...and close your eyes.

Breath deeply.

-Through the nose?
-What else, through the ears?

Breathe deeply.

The smell of food is everywhere.
When you hear the word "bibo"...

... open your eyes and see the food
appear on your plates.

Attention, breathe...

One, two, three...
Bibo!

-Melon.
-Ham and figs.

-Shrimp cocktail.
-Your starters are there.

Salmon noodles, spaghetti salad,
minestrone...

-Calm down, don't push.
-Leave something for me!

Here's your meat,
and your fish.

Then your fruit
Apples, pears...

...apricots, then you dessert.
-The wine is in your glass already.

It's a delicate, light white.

Can I have shin steak and risotto
instead of the roast beef?

-Shin steak?
-What do you say, doctor?

No, no...

For a simple reason: the calorie ratio
would be unbalanced.

Even the psyche
can make you fat.

Excuse me! Hurry up!
Leave some spaghetti for me.

-Can I help you, ma'am?
-Don't worry.

-The long hair looks good on you.
-Thank you.

-Enjoy your meal.
-Thank you.

You're welcome.

What are you eating, son?

Roast beef.

Don't be greedy.

I'm sorry, but I was starving.

-You could make a vow.
-I can't.

-Will you bone my fish, honey?
-Of course.

Thank you.

-I'm sorry.
-Don't worry.

-It's cold.
-Excuse me?

It's a cold soup,
no need to blow on it.

Oh, thanks.
I didn't notice.

Do you think this diet
is a bit too drastic?

No way. Some people, during
the Campaign for Russia...

...walked thousands of miles
without eating or drinking.

If they could do it,
these people can fuck right off.

Quiet.

-Worst case, someone kicks the bucket.
-Quit talking about death!

Sorry.

-You keep insisting!
-I was talking about Russia.

-Are these people fucking with us?
-No!

No? I'm not so sure.

-Why aren't you eating?
-I don't lend myself to this bullshit!

You filled your plate and you don't eat?
You wanna piss me off?

Think of the poor children,
what they'd give to have all this!

OK, you pissed me off!
Go to bed without dinner.

When I'm done with you,
you'll weigh 15 kilos!

-Silvano, what did he do?
-He has a shitty attitude.

Monsignor, are you OK?
Bring me some rope!

Silvano, a rope from the gym, please!

Carry on, nothing's happened.

-Good night, Monsignor.
-Good night.

Sorry about the chair.

-Good night.
-See you tomorrow.

-Good night, ma'am.
-Good night, Dr. Tamburini.

Good night, and thank you.

-How are you?
-Not that good.

-Good night, ma'am.
-Good night.

-Good night.
-Good night.

Take it easy.

Good night.

Why is my head spinning?
I can't stand it.

It's supposed to be like that.
It's like when you're on a train.

You're sitting down and
everything passes by.

What's a train
got to do with it?

It's the fat melting away
that gives you this effect.

But I haven't eaten anything!

These are all side effects
contemplated by our therapy.

Way to go!

-Good night.
-Good night.

-"Fat melting away"?
-And you? "The train"? Idiot!

I'm exhausted!
Ouch! My kidneys!

-What a day!
-And this is only the first day.

We won't have to pump
their stomachs every day.

By the way, I haven't eaten
all day. I'm starving.

My head's spinning.

Spaghetti or penne?

Penne! They're called
"Penne all'arrabbiata"!

THUD
The roof collapsed!

Damn it!

The priest must have
broken his bed.

No, it's that couple
making love on a chair.

Speaking of sex... what
would you do to that blonde?

I think she's a bitch
with an attitude.

She's the kind that won't even
put out on her wedding night.

You're wrong.

Before going to her room, she smiled
to me. What does that mean?

-Se must've been in pain.
-What!?

She turned around and said
"Good night, doctor".

-She was messing with you.
-Why?

-She called you "doctor"!
-You always ruin the poetry!

-I'm doing it!
-Go!

-I'm putting the pasta on!
-Do it. I'm so hungry.

-Is this pasta sauce?
-I think it's Amatriciana.

-Yummy! Take a sniff.
-You made too much.

-We're not on a diet.
-Go ahead.

Here you go.

Gentlemen, this is
a private room.

You can't be here. We're
running lab tests.

It's a dangerous experiment.
Please!

Go back to your rooms
or we'll have to lock you in.

Go!

Go away!
This is a bad sign!

-We could have given them some.
-No!

We won't get paid if they don't
lose weight! We can't give them pasta.

-An apple?
-No!

They smelled the garlic.

Next time, we'll eat plain pasta,
so they won't smell it.

-Did you see how they looked at us?
-Yeah, I did.

They looked like those kids
in the Biafra.

-I'm not even hungry anymore.
-Me neither. I'll put this away.

No! What the hell?

-Did you add the chili flakes?
-No.

Why do you do stuff
if you can't do it?

You didn't tell me.

I'm a doctor, not a chef.

A doctor? With that suitcase?
Come on! Grab the chili.

-No!
-What?

-I'll kill him!
-Are you crazy?

-I'll kill him!
-Stop!

I'm sorry. He pisses me off!

You filthy worm!
Don't be like that.

-He pisses me off!
-Calm down.

-Why do you pester my colleague?
-Because you're two assholes!

-He pisses me off so much!
-So we're assholes, eh?

Let's wall him in,
like the Nun of Monza!

No air holes!

-Stop!
-Don't rock back and forth.

Look what happened to our furniture.

The Monsignor's weight is 168 kilos
and 253 grams.

Fantastic! That's 2.5 kilos
less than yesterday.

-Fabulous!
-Congratulations.

Take the Monsignor to his seat.
Spit out that gum, Miriam.

It's your turn, ma'am.

Go ahead, ma'am.

-You get more charming every day.
-Thank you.

The madam's weight is...
67 kilos and 53 grams.

-1.2 kilos less than yesterday!
-A warm round of applause!

Warm is not enough!
Let's make it triumphal!

A great round of applause,
please!

Congratulations.

-Excuse me, doctor?
-Yes?

My wife and I would like
to postpone our weigh-in.

-Why?
-We didn't have our bowel movements.

-That's right.
-All right. Agreed.

Bowel movements?
We haven't eaten anything!

-Next, the boy.
-My name is Paolo Fabbris!

-Don't talk back!
-Let's weigh the little pumpkin.

-83 kilos and 500 grams.
-83 kilos and 530 grams!

-It's one kilo more than yesterday!
-Coward!

-Clown!
-Calm down.

-Buffoon!
-Fraudster!

-Calm down!
-We're not at the stadium.

-It's a disgrace!
-Faggot!

Where are your manners, son?

Don't make us whistle.
Our blood pressure is so low.

You're a criminal! You're smearing
my professionalism! You're eating!

-Where do you keep hiding your stuff?
-I know!

I saw him. I'm not a snitch, but this
isn't fair! He's eating ad we aren't!

I saw him digging under that tree.

He pulled out a thermal bag
full of all kinds of food!

-You barrel of molasses!
-I'll smash your face, you punk!

Stay calm!

Don't you dare! I wear glasses!
I'll sue you!

-Sue who?
-You!

-We'll handle this.
-We're doctors.

If I get mad,
I can't think straight!

-We'll handle this.
-Doctor Tamburini?

-Yes?
-Your wife is on the phone.

I'll be right back.

Let's go to that tree.
Miriam, grab a shovel.

Come on!

I'll tear your ear off!

Yes. Can I speak?
Will you let me...

Can I speak?
You can't do this, Samantha!

It would be a disaster!

I would be ruined!

Who owns the place?
You, or your brothers?

And did I marry you,
or your brothers?

Right! So...

Honey, Sammy...
Let's talk this through!

Bambi! Listen... hello?

Hello?

Hello?

Bitch! My God,
what a disaster!

What a disaster!

There it is! Stay away,
stay at least two meters away.

-Let's check the contents!
-No, I'll throw it in the river.

Silvano... Doctor Baracchi!
A word, please?

I'm coming. Make way!

Are you leaving?

I need to go to
Rome. I'm in trouble!

You're leaving me
with those cannibals?

Something really bad happened!

My wife, my brothers in law...
I'll call you!

-Come back soon.
Yeah.

Take this with you.

-What's this?
-Paolone's food. Throw it away.

Pray for me, I need it!

Mommi, where are you?
Have you seen my kitty?

-Who's Mommi?
-He's been missing since Friday.

I never saw a cat!

Be honest:
who ate the cat?

I'm asking a simple question:
who owns that house?

Quiet down. We have customers.

It that not my wife's house?
Answer me!

Yeah, that's why we convinced her
to sign it over to us.

So we can be in charge
and end this pantomime!

You're manipulating her!

-We are?
-Yeah!

-You've been manipulating her!
-Me?

You had her pay for
your shitty shop!

-With our money!
-And now this fraud of a clinic!

Watch your language!
My business is pristine!

In a month, I'll be able to buy
this whole supermarket!

That's not gonna happen.
You know why?

Samantha is signing
the papers tomorrow...

...and you'll have to leave,
together with that bunch of fatsos!

Why don't we reason over this,
as educated people?

...let's have a conversation.
-Let's hear the Duke of Kent here!

Your sister is hundreds of
millions in debt...

...if you shut down the clinic,
it'll be worse than Chernobyl.

A tragedy worth 370 millions is better
than a catastrophe worth two billions!

-That's where you're headed!
-Listen here, doctor Crook...

...you need to give us our
house back. Our family needs it!

Grandma needs to live
in peace. You're torturing her!

What? That witch is
busting my balls!

-Don't you dare!
-Calm down!

I'll freeze your ass!

You know what?

Eye for an eye, I'm...

Get the hell out of here!
And never come back!

Are you mad?

-Go away!
-Wrong corner, Alfio!

-Don't ever come back!
-This is not the end of it!

-Is that a threat?
-Maybe!

Move your ass and leave.
Take your shoe!

You better watch out!

What are you doing?

Mind your own business, doctor!

This is my business!

Ma'am!

What are you doing?

Nothing. I found a nest, and...

BEE BUZZING
I'm hungry!

"Jesus took bread, said the blessing,
broke it, and said..."

"Take and eat."

...Lucky them!

-Miriam.
-Yes, doctor?

-How many fish were here?
-Twelve.

There's only five left.

Unfortunately, they're
being eaten raw!

Take a net and
throw them in the river.

Right away.

-Why, doctor?
-Leave them here!

Do you also get foggy vision,
and see yellow sparks?

-They're not even answering!
-Go on, don't stop!

"You can also add potatoes
in a side of the pot..."

"...and allow them to cook
with the stockfish."

"Add pine nuts and sultanas
to your liking."

-Sultanas!
-"Ancona style stockfish..."

"...is great with a side
of firm polenta."

Enough!

Councilman, sign here.

Sorry, I can't think straight!
What have I signed?

It's the order to shut down
the Troncherelli Salami factory.

Why?

They produced
adulterated meat.

Here are the test results.

This sample contains 30% manure
and traces of botulinum toxin.

What are you doing?
It's adulterated!

-It's delicious!
-Councilman!

-You'll get food poisoning!
-It's my right to taste it!

Your reading sucks! You don't
put any feeling into it!

-You're doing a shit job!
-Then read it yourself!

Aaah! Help!
I can't do it! Stop this!

-Do something, she's your wife!
-I'm out of the game!

Only you can stop her
to sign her rights over!

You have an influence on her!
There's no denying it!

Help me out of this mess!
Please, Silvano!

These people need
to be watched at all times!

Some of them are going nuts!
CRASH

Something's happening!

-Come here!
-I'll be there ASAP.

Bye.

-Come, doctor. It's a disaster!
-I know!

What did you do? Do you know
how much that costs?

It's not my fault.
A kid jaywalked.

WHISTLES

Come on!

What the hell
are you wearing?

I wanted to look professional.
"Villa Samantha"...

You look like a waiter,
with that red bowtie!

-I'll take it off!
-No. That bare collar is worse.

I've been waiting for an hour
and a half! Where were you?

All hell is breaking loose over there.
I had to sedate them with bromide.

All right. One problem at a time.
Here.

-Thanks, you're so kind.
-What? They're for my wife!

Go upstairs and talk to her.
Have a conversation.

When everything is done, give me
a sign from the window. Don't whistle.

I'll come up and look
all distraught.

I'll tell her I was
contemplating suicide.

...you can also embellish the story.
-"This poor man, this son of a..."

-Don't overdo it!
-Sorry.

And remember, be stylish!
Go, go!

You know how
to handle her, right?

-Do I have to handle her?
-I mean metaphorically!

-Yeah.
-Be a friend, Okay?

Yes. As if we were friends!

-Why, are we not friends?
-Yeah, we are.

-Go!
-Yes.

Go!

Where's he going?

Give me a tin of Russian crab,
some paté...

-Do you have truffle cream?
-Of course.

Two jars of that. Then, some
ham mousse, toasted bread...

...and one kilo of custard.

Right away, sir.

-Hey.
-Hi.

What are you buying?

It's getting late and we
were getting hungry.

-You're having a dinner!
-It's just a snack.

A snack? Paté, crab, truffle,
salmon, caviar...

If it were up to me, I would have
gotten a Bologna sandwich.

You have to tell me,
what do you want me to do?

-Is this OK for a sparkling wine?
-Ask this man.

Should I get a soda instead?

Give him a sweet wine,
she doesn't like dry ones.

-All right.
-Listen...

You don't think I like
you wife, do you?

Is she that bad? It's like
you're talking about a Yeti.

I would rather unload
a truckload of bricks!

-Here you go, sir.
-How much is it?

I'll ring you up.

No, put it on Tamburini's account.

She's my wife, that big woman
who wears lots of makeup.

Oh, yes.

-What is she saying about me?
-Nothing. Not much at all.

She doesn't refer to you as
her husband, only "that asshole"!

I'm on the brink of a disaster...

...and we haven't had intercourse
in two years, but she's still my wife!

So I'm telling you:
Go straight for the goal...

... but behave as a gentleman
and as a friend!

-You make conflicting demands.
-Why?

If I need to go straight for the goal,
I want a free hand!

If you ask me to be a friend,
then I have to leave...

Where are you going?

-Let's talk about it. I just wanted...
-Listen to me...

...promise me you'll never ask
me what happened tonight.

All right, I promise!

Listen, there's something that
drives her crazy.

If you lick her neck, with your
tongue like a brush, it's over for her!

-Where are you going?
-I need to grab something.

I need to grab something.

-Why the suitcase?
-There's a thing inside...

-My Rolodex!
-What?

-In case I need to make a call.
-You're not using the rubbers, are you?

>Is that you, doctor?
-Yes.

Bye.

-Don't play tricks on me!
-Bye.

Bye.

Oh God!

Welcome to your
first round of dinner.

Let's start.
One: slowly grab the food...

...Two: bring it to your mouth,
chew it slowly...

...then swallow.
One: grab the food, Two: up.

This is called "dynamic dinner",
made to burn calories...

...while we are ingesting them.
It also helps fight...

...your own mind and the
violent pleasure that comes...

...when you sit down to eat!

-We're not sitting down!
-Quiet! Down!

-Do you find this hard?
-Not at all.

You're getting more
charming by the day!

One: down, two: up!

Monsignor, you stole
all my olives!

-Focus, please.
-Enough now!

This is a clinic,
not a dive bar!

This is a disgrace!
Shame on you!

Keep your composure! Stop!

Dinner's over! Go to your rooms!

Go, people, go!

Dinner's over. Go!

Go to bed with no dinner!
Back to your rooms!

I'm hungry!

Enough!

Enough!

What a shitty night!

Poor Alfio!

You married a bulldozer!

Come in.

Good evening.

I was looking for
Dr. Tamburini.

No, he's sleeping.
Can I help you?

Yes. I would give anything
for some bread and butter!

That's not allowed.
You know our rules.

Doctor Tamburini
is in love with me.

He would give me some bread!

Ma'am, don't underestimate
professor Tamburini.

He's a Medical Doctor, lecturer
of nutrition sciences.

Under the guise of
a guy-next-door...

...he has two huge balls!

I said I would
give anything!

Ma'am, please, don't insist,
or I'll be forced to...

How do you like
your bread and butter?

With sugar, or salami?

With both!

Lie down on that bed,
I'll be right there.

Can't I have the bread first?
Stale is fine, too!

No. Duty first, butter second!

SINGING

PHONE RINGS

Hello? Yes... Hi, Samantha.

No, I wasn't sleeping.
Of course not!

What's up? Yes.

How come you changed your
mind all of a sudden?

-Did someone convince you?
-What's going on?

What's that attitude?
It's like you're unhappy.

Not at all. I'm very, very happy!

I'm so happy, because you helped me.
Thank you again, honey.

Thank you for everything
you've done for me. Thanks, Bambi.

Thanks, you whore!

>Push those arms lower!
Make an effort!

You need to move with harmony!

Exercise is good for you.
As the wise man said...

"A healthy mind in a healthy body".
On to the next exercise...

...this one's made
to stretch your back!

I had to marry you,
not that raft!

As if you were picking
up something. Like this!

Forward, one,
left, two...

...forward, three,
right, four!

Get busy. Push!

As if you were grabbing a pork leg,
some souffle, some blue cheese!

-Won't you exercise?
-No!

Don't you need to
slim down?

You will forever be
a glass-wearing fat ass!

>Forward, one, left, two...

Gorgeous!
Thanks for existing!

(loudspeaker) Please gather
in the weigh-in area!

I'm coming, sweetheart!

Doctor, I ate a whole tube
of toothpaste. Is that bad for me?

-You ate it all?
-Yes. Is it bad? Be honest.

Right now, I don't even
care if I die!

I just hope you don't start eating
shampoo, or shower creams!

Or soap bars!
This is not a joke!

Lord, send me to the grave!
I can't take this anymore!

Up, slowly!

-Stand up.
-Be careful!

Let go of the scale,
we need to weigh you.

Good. 1.4 kilos less than
yesterday. Let's hear it!

Good morning, everyone!

-Here!
-Aaah!

-Watch your ankle!
-Slow! I'll break it!

-Here.
-That's low blood sugar for you.

-Help him out. Hi.
-Good morning, did you sleep well?

-I've been at work for an hour.
-I had a nervous episode.

-All set with your wife.
-I know.

-About that...
-We said we wouldn't discuss it.

-Good morning, ma'am.
-Good morning.

-What was her last weight?
-67.5. How much did she lose?

-Enough. Next!
-No! She gained 1.3 kilos!

What? The scale must be broken.
That's impossible!

-No.
-It might need some oil.

It's surely broken.

-May I speak?
-Shut up, you only say nonsense!

I'll speak anyway!

The scale is not broken...

...the lady gave her body
to doctor Baracchi...

...in exchange for some bread
and butter. I saw them last night!

-Oooh!
-That's indecent!

That's not true, is it?

No, I have an alibi...

-...you know where I was!
-Shut up! Shut up at least!

-You took advantage of her!
-What would you have done?

-I'm a serious doctor!
-Don't make me give a bad impression!

I'll smash your face!

The Chow is cooking,
let me go or it'll burn!

-I'll deal with you later!
-Too much shady business here!

-Go get that fixed now!
-Too many things are wrong here!

Bravo!

-Are you throwing pine cones?
-Look at him!

-Aaah!
-Shame on you!

-This is indecent!
-It's a disgrace!

-Are you mad?
-Disgusting!

The chickens have come
home to roost, my friend!

Quiet!, people on my left, to the gym.
People on my right...

What happened here
is very serious!

It's immoral and unfair towards
our sacrifices!

This is a whorehouse! I propose
we pack our bags and leave now!

(all) Yeah!
-We will withhold our payment!

What? Gentlemen...

Stop! Where are you going?
Nothing happened!

Go back! Stop!

SPEAKS CHINESE

-No!
-Get off!

Stop, please. I'll report my colleague
to the Medical Board!

-You'll get your money back.
-Let's not talk about this!

I'll make toilet paper
out of your invoice!

-It was all going so well!
-Get outta here!

We had just one day left!

Please, stop!

Why?

What a disaster!

-Why?
>Alfio, my friend!

You open this beautiful
place and you don't tell me?

- Senator!
- I, a loyal customer...

...found out about this
from TV ads!

You weren't dead?

What? What are you
talking about?

Payment notice for
doctor Tamburini!

Top floor.

What are you doing?
You're stealing my bike. Thief!

Help!

Don't run! I want a couple
of eggs, sunny side up!

Stop, you son of a bitch!

You even made me believe
I was a murderer!

That guy still wanted the money.
How could I tell you he wasn't dead?

You're worse than Judas!
Stop if you have the guts!

One moment!

I need to find a parking spot!

If a god exists,
you'll run out of gas...

-...and I'll kick your ass!
-You're my only friend!

When I met you, I was broke!

I hadn't sold anything
for three months straight!

-Stop, you pig!
-Let's talk. Let's schedule a call!

-You're a pig!
-Aaah! Make way!

-My head!
-Alfio! Alfio!

Call dad!

Dad!

-My head!
-Your Vespa?

My head!

-Your Vespa is over there.
-My head's spinning!

-I'll go grab the Vespa.
-Not the Vespa, my head!

GRUNTS

Alfio, why is your stare
so blank?

Look at me. Why don't
you answer?

-Answer me!
-He can't answer you!

-He has a psychological block.
-It's a form of depression.

Identity crisis and refusal
of reality.

-Does he refuse me, too?
-Especially you.

-Who is he?
-He's British.

He teaches Art History
and Philosophy.

He teaches Aesthetics at
Pavia University. He's gay!

-Alfio!
-Stop it, let him be!

-I'd better go, then.
-He needs to rest.

True. I'll leave.
Call me if there's any news.

Bye, kitty.

Professor, what do you think
about my friend?

He's dissociated...

...because of that final blow
from those pigs.

In his head, he saw them
as his patients stampeding him.

I think the truth is different,
right, Alfio?

That pretty lady, I knew you'd be
disappointed...

...but a woman who gives herself up
for some bread and butter...

...is not the woman for you.

Plus, professor, he thinks
he's a loser.

But you can't always get
what you want. Tell him!

Of course. Your enterprise
was wrong from the start!

It was based on a gross miscalculation,
and Nature got revenge!

Who ever said that being
skinny makes you beautiful?

The history of Art speaks clearly.

Venus, Juno,
Titian, the Infant Bacchus!

Buddha, Pope John XXIII...

...they were all big!

THE 2 PIGS
ALFIO AND SILVANO

Here's your daily bread, Monsignor!

Here, young man.

Did you fix your
elevator problem?

I bought an apartment
on the ground floor!

Yeah?

7 kilos in 7 days, yeah.
But I'm gaining, not losing!

What do I care? Let me eat!

Wow, what a day!
I'm exhausted!

-160 customers!
-Really?

We can't hold up!

Either we kick people out,
or we reinforce the staff.

And the chairs, too!