60 Seconds to Di3 (2017) - full transcript
Jesus, help me. Jesus,
protect me from evil.
Jesus...
Knight to king bishop five.
Bishop takes knight.
Queen takes bishop.
Missed that.
Doesn't make any difference.
Queen takes queen. Check.
King to
king's rook one.
Checkmate.
When did you find out
the truth about Santa?
Later than I should have.
I got the cash.
So do you have it?
I'll cross over
and I'll get it.
It's all about waiting.
Don't rush time or time
will rush back to you.
Twelve past.
I hate that place.
Well, we have to cross
over very carefully.
You must really love her.
One, two, three.
Four, five, six.
I got the gifts.
Oh yeah.
Darlin', this is the
best night of your life.
You know, I been thinkin'.
Shh. Shh.
Just the way I like 'em.
Use your head.
Come on, I'll help you.
You're gonna win this time.
Want to prove that
I'm number one, right?
Gonna smash your fuckin'
teeth in. Come on.
It's over. It's
all over for you.
I'm sorry about that.
I thought there was
somebody out there.
It's fine. I'm fine now.
Could you just stay
on there for a second?
Because this thing keeps crashing.
You're like cracking up.
- You're all right.
- Hang on on sec.
I told you you were
worrying over nothing.
I might see you tomorrow.
It was only the cat.
What'd I tell you, eh?
It was the cat.
What are you doing?
This thing's crap.
Katie, Katie,
there's no sound. Hi.
I don't know. I think
it's the computer thing.
I can't hear what
you're saying at all.
Hi, Katie.
Hey!
Help!
Stay where you are
and keep your hands
where I can fuckin' see them!
You're all right.
Should we brush our teeth?
A bit scary. Aw.
Ghosties aren't real, darlin'.
They're not real, are they?
All right then, are you
going to a Halloween party
in a minute?
- Yeah.
- Yeah?
You want to see what
your costume looks like?
- Yeah.
- Look.
What are you dressed
as? What are you?
A witch.
Are you a wicked
witch?
You do it.
- No.
- Do the laugh.
No.
Ready, we'll be ghosties.
Yeah.
Daddy.
- Daddy?
- Isabelle?
Daddy.
No one.
Shit.
Hi.
Hi, what do you want?
What time is it?
It's death o'clock.
Damn near made it.
Almost late for my
own funeral again,
or however it is that
ridiculous cliche goes.
Regardless, the dawn
waits for no man or beast.
Ann Gable, the
beloved film actress.
Even by my moralless
standards, my behavior during
our encounter this past evening
was outlandishly wretched.
And sadistic.
And downright perverse.
Perhaps this isn't the right
time for my evening review.
The dawn.
But then again, perhaps this
actually is the right time.
The right time for me to
finally take a stand and bring
this catastrophe that is my
existence to a screeching halt
and to finally say fuck this!
Emily, run! Run!
It's supposed to work.
Oh, option one. All
right, let's try the door.
It's supposed to be working.
It's gotta be the right one.
This has to be the right one.
Wait, let's try it.
All right, I dialed the number.
It's supposed to be working.
All right, let's do
it. One, two, three.
Oh god, close it,
close it, close it!
Dial the number! Dial
the number quick!
I'm trying, I'm trying. Okay.
- You got it?
- Yeah.
- All right.
- Ready?
One, two, tree.
Oh my god, same thing! Close it.
Oh my god! Oh my god!
Oh god. Oh god.
It's supposed to be working.
Come on, we got to get
it right this time.
This is supposed to be working.
All right, let's try it.
This has to be it. Ready?
Okay, let me try this
last one, all right?
Okay, come on, you
gotta get it right this time.
Come on.
Hi, boys.
Oh, thank god.
God damn.
- Look at all of 'em.
- I can't stand 'em.
Come and
get us, dumbasses.
- Man.
- Hey, Uncle Ray,
hand me another
one of them beers.
- All right, let's see here.
- Yeah, get me one too.
There you go, man.
- I want one of them beers.
- All right, help yourself.
Get your own damn beer, man.
- Come on.
- Hey, man.
Don't hurt yourself there.
- Come on.
- Oh, don't look. Don't look.
What? What is it?
Well, hold on. Get out.
Whoa, holy.
Take a look
at this boy, Ray.
This is real, man.
This is really happening.
Yeah, holy
, he's dead.
Something
ate him like that,
what's it gonna do to you?
- I don't know.
- Damn.
- Holy
- Go! Go!
Ray, is that you?
Whoa, whoa,
whoa, hold on, man.
Hold on. Hold on,
there's something wrong.
Oh my god, no.
No, no, no, man.
- That's not your kid!
- Henry, no!
That's not
your kid anymore, man!
- That's not your kid!
- Oh, man.
What the hell is your problem?
Oh this is
not good. This isn't good!
This isn't good!
Let's get the
out of here. They're gone.
No, Dwight.
Oh ! Holy!
Oh!
Oh!
No!
No, no, no, no!
No, no, no, no!
Fuck! Fuck!
Yeah, yeah, choke on it,
motherfucker! Fuck you!
You don't even know.
Fuck.
No, no!
Good evening, my victims.
You caught me in the middle
of having a midnight snack,
a freshly caught one.
Now there is many ways I can
prepare this tasty morsel.
Humans like to eat
carrots for their vision,
but I like to go
straight to the source.
Roasted eyeballs.
Mm.
And now for the main course.
Well, that was tasty.
Who's next?
Hey, guys, Steve Jackson
here with my video series
catching up with old
friends I haven't seen
for over 10 years.
Today, we're gonna talk
to Jeffery Tobonics.
Coolest guy in school,
always got the ladies.
Let's see what he's up to.
Yo, Jeffery, you still
get all them ladies?
Oh yeah, we're on now?
Oh, what's up, Steve, man?
How you doing,
man? How you doing?
Man, I haven't seen
you in forever.
I can't believe you got ahold
of me. Am I looking good?
Oh yeah, I'm lookin' good like
I did back in high school.
Because, man, this
is Jeffery Tobonics.
As you know, I make
the ladies go bubonic.
Just like back in school I'm
still playin' it now like that.
Oh yeah. Man, I'm still the man.
- Oh yeah.
- And I got ladies
all over the land right
now, just like back then.
I get the ladies, I'll
be flexin' like this.
The ladies love me. I get
all the ladies everywhere.
As you know, I don't play.
Oh, you think you're
tough now, motherfucker?
- What the hell?
- You ain't tough, bitch.
- What the hell?
- Try keeping your
- bangs straight motherfucker.
- What the hell?
- What the hell? What the hell?
- No bitch shit. No bitch shit.
No, no, no!
Bitch shit,
motherfucker! Motherfucker!
- Oh no!
- Motherfucker, you like that?
Oh, I bet you like
that, don't you?
Hey.
First round of
drinks was pretty good.
Yeah?
Well if you like those,
something else I'd like you to have.
Oh, you want to
give me something?
Yeah.
How about I just take it?
Let's go have some fun.
Okay.
Hell yeah.
Now what are those?
Something that's
gonna make the night
a little more interesting.
Why can't I feel anything?
The pill was to numb
you and to keep you alive.
You taste so much
sweeter alive.
Damn. Damn it.
I burned myself. No, I'm okay.
Shut up. I do know how to cook.
Yeah, I like the place. The
house needs a bit of work.
But what house doesn't nowadays?
Yeah, I like it. It
was a real steal.
The only thing that troubles
me, though, is these noises.
Kind of sound like footsteps.
No, I don't think
the place is haunted.
Kinda creepy, but not haunted.
Oh, hold on, hold on.
I think Jenny just got
home. Don't be so needy.
I promise I'll call
you back, okay?
All right. Okay, okay, bye.
Jenny, I'm in the kitchen.
Hey, lady ha ha, can you
answer when I call you?
Rude.
Hey, Numbnuts, I'm
running a bit late.
Stuck in traffic.
I'll be home soon.
Don't eat all the food,
McStinkie. I'm starving.
Being a father means
having to take the
tough decisions.
If your home is threatened,
you become a protector.
If someone wrongs them,
you become an avenger.
Dad, stop. You
don't have to do this.
Just get out of the
way. You've done enough.
Well, I'm sorry.
Just get your ass back inside.
Let her stay, Jonas.
I'm taking her with me
either with your blessing
or over your dead body.
Leave now before
it goes too far.
It already has.
That bitch of yours and that
bastard child inside of her
belong to me now.
You got yourself three seconds
to get off my fucking property.
You got three to
let me take mine.
One, two.
Three.
Looks like that's
two members of your family
I've had on their backs, Jonas.
Not today, you bastard.
protect me from evil.
Jesus...
Knight to king bishop five.
Bishop takes knight.
Queen takes bishop.
Missed that.
Doesn't make any difference.
Queen takes queen. Check.
King to
king's rook one.
Checkmate.
When did you find out
the truth about Santa?
Later than I should have.
I got the cash.
So do you have it?
I'll cross over
and I'll get it.
It's all about waiting.
Don't rush time or time
will rush back to you.
Twelve past.
I hate that place.
Well, we have to cross
over very carefully.
You must really love her.
One, two, three.
Four, five, six.
I got the gifts.
Oh yeah.
Darlin', this is the
best night of your life.
You know, I been thinkin'.
Shh. Shh.
Just the way I like 'em.
Use your head.
Come on, I'll help you.
You're gonna win this time.
Want to prove that
I'm number one, right?
Gonna smash your fuckin'
teeth in. Come on.
It's over. It's
all over for you.
I'm sorry about that.
I thought there was
somebody out there.
It's fine. I'm fine now.
Could you just stay
on there for a second?
Because this thing keeps crashing.
You're like cracking up.
- You're all right.
- Hang on on sec.
I told you you were
worrying over nothing.
I might see you tomorrow.
It was only the cat.
What'd I tell you, eh?
It was the cat.
What are you doing?
This thing's crap.
Katie, Katie,
there's no sound. Hi.
I don't know. I think
it's the computer thing.
I can't hear what
you're saying at all.
Hi, Katie.
Hey!
Help!
Stay where you are
and keep your hands
where I can fuckin' see them!
You're all right.
Should we brush our teeth?
A bit scary. Aw.
Ghosties aren't real, darlin'.
They're not real, are they?
All right then, are you
going to a Halloween party
in a minute?
- Yeah.
- Yeah?
You want to see what
your costume looks like?
- Yeah.
- Look.
What are you dressed
as? What are you?
A witch.
Are you a wicked
witch?
You do it.
- No.
- Do the laugh.
No.
Ready, we'll be ghosties.
Yeah.
Daddy.
- Daddy?
- Isabelle?
Daddy.
No one.
Shit.
Hi.
Hi, what do you want?
What time is it?
It's death o'clock.
Damn near made it.
Almost late for my
own funeral again,
or however it is that
ridiculous cliche goes.
Regardless, the dawn
waits for no man or beast.
Ann Gable, the
beloved film actress.
Even by my moralless
standards, my behavior during
our encounter this past evening
was outlandishly wretched.
And sadistic.
And downright perverse.
Perhaps this isn't the right
time for my evening review.
The dawn.
But then again, perhaps this
actually is the right time.
The right time for me to
finally take a stand and bring
this catastrophe that is my
existence to a screeching halt
and to finally say fuck this!
Emily, run! Run!
It's supposed to work.
Oh, option one. All
right, let's try the door.
It's supposed to be working.
It's gotta be the right one.
This has to be the right one.
Wait, let's try it.
All right, I dialed the number.
It's supposed to be working.
All right, let's do
it. One, two, three.
Oh god, close it,
close it, close it!
Dial the number! Dial
the number quick!
I'm trying, I'm trying. Okay.
- You got it?
- Yeah.
- All right.
- Ready?
One, two, tree.
Oh my god, same thing! Close it.
Oh my god! Oh my god!
Oh god. Oh god.
It's supposed to be working.
Come on, we got to get
it right this time.
This is supposed to be working.
All right, let's try it.
This has to be it. Ready?
Okay, let me try this
last one, all right?
Okay, come on, you
gotta get it right this time.
Come on.
Hi, boys.
Oh, thank god.
God damn.
- Look at all of 'em.
- I can't stand 'em.
Come and
get us, dumbasses.
- Man.
- Hey, Uncle Ray,
hand me another
one of them beers.
- All right, let's see here.
- Yeah, get me one too.
There you go, man.
- I want one of them beers.
- All right, help yourself.
Get your own damn beer, man.
- Come on.
- Hey, man.
Don't hurt yourself there.
- Come on.
- Oh, don't look. Don't look.
What? What is it?
Well, hold on. Get out.
Whoa, holy.
Take a look
at this boy, Ray.
This is real, man.
This is really happening.
Yeah, holy
, he's dead.
Something
ate him like that,
what's it gonna do to you?
- I don't know.
- Damn.
- Holy
- Go! Go!
Ray, is that you?
Whoa, whoa,
whoa, hold on, man.
Hold on. Hold on,
there's something wrong.
Oh my god, no.
No, no, no, man.
- That's not your kid!
- Henry, no!
That's not
your kid anymore, man!
- That's not your kid!
- Oh, man.
What the hell is your problem?
Oh this is
not good. This isn't good!
This isn't good!
Let's get the
out of here. They're gone.
No, Dwight.
Oh ! Holy!
Oh!
Oh!
No!
No, no, no, no!
No, no, no, no!
Fuck! Fuck!
Yeah, yeah, choke on it,
motherfucker! Fuck you!
You don't even know.
Fuck.
No, no!
Good evening, my victims.
You caught me in the middle
of having a midnight snack,
a freshly caught one.
Now there is many ways I can
prepare this tasty morsel.
Humans like to eat
carrots for their vision,
but I like to go
straight to the source.
Roasted eyeballs.
Mm.
And now for the main course.
Well, that was tasty.
Who's next?
Hey, guys, Steve Jackson
here with my video series
catching up with old
friends I haven't seen
for over 10 years.
Today, we're gonna talk
to Jeffery Tobonics.
Coolest guy in school,
always got the ladies.
Let's see what he's up to.
Yo, Jeffery, you still
get all them ladies?
Oh yeah, we're on now?
Oh, what's up, Steve, man?
How you doing,
man? How you doing?
Man, I haven't seen
you in forever.
I can't believe you got ahold
of me. Am I looking good?
Oh yeah, I'm lookin' good like
I did back in high school.
Because, man, this
is Jeffery Tobonics.
As you know, I make
the ladies go bubonic.
Just like back in school I'm
still playin' it now like that.
Oh yeah. Man, I'm still the man.
- Oh yeah.
- And I got ladies
all over the land right
now, just like back then.
I get the ladies, I'll
be flexin' like this.
The ladies love me. I get
all the ladies everywhere.
As you know, I don't play.
Oh, you think you're
tough now, motherfucker?
- What the hell?
- You ain't tough, bitch.
- What the hell?
- Try keeping your
- bangs straight motherfucker.
- What the hell?
- What the hell? What the hell?
- No bitch shit. No bitch shit.
No, no, no!
Bitch shit,
motherfucker! Motherfucker!
- Oh no!
- Motherfucker, you like that?
Oh, I bet you like
that, don't you?
Hey.
First round of
drinks was pretty good.
Yeah?
Well if you like those,
something else I'd like you to have.
Oh, you want to
give me something?
Yeah.
How about I just take it?
Let's go have some fun.
Okay.
Hell yeah.
Now what are those?
Something that's
gonna make the night
a little more interesting.
Why can't I feel anything?
The pill was to numb
you and to keep you alive.
You taste so much
sweeter alive.
Damn. Damn it.
I burned myself. No, I'm okay.
Shut up. I do know how to cook.
Yeah, I like the place. The
house needs a bit of work.
But what house doesn't nowadays?
Yeah, I like it. It
was a real steal.
The only thing that troubles
me, though, is these noises.
Kind of sound like footsteps.
No, I don't think
the place is haunted.
Kinda creepy, but not haunted.
Oh, hold on, hold on.
I think Jenny just got
home. Don't be so needy.
I promise I'll call
you back, okay?
All right. Okay, okay, bye.
Jenny, I'm in the kitchen.
Hey, lady ha ha, can you
answer when I call you?
Rude.
Hey, Numbnuts, I'm
running a bit late.
Stuck in traffic.
I'll be home soon.
Don't eat all the food,
McStinkie. I'm starving.
Being a father means
having to take the
tough decisions.
If your home is threatened,
you become a protector.
If someone wrongs them,
you become an avenger.
Dad, stop. You
don't have to do this.
Just get out of the
way. You've done enough.
Well, I'm sorry.
Just get your ass back inside.
Let her stay, Jonas.
I'm taking her with me
either with your blessing
or over your dead body.
Leave now before
it goes too far.
It already has.
That bitch of yours and that
bastard child inside of her
belong to me now.
You got yourself three seconds
to get off my fucking property.
You got three to
let me take mine.
One, two.
Three.
Looks like that's
two members of your family
I've had on their backs, Jonas.
Not today, you bastard.