40 Days and 40 Nights (2002) - full transcript
Nicole broke up with Matt months ago and is now engaged to someone else. He's very good-looking and has no trouble finding other lovers, but that doesn't help because he's still obsessed with wanting her back. Then he gets the inspiration that swearing off sex for Lent (all forms of sexual activity, even kissing or masturbation) will give him the perspective he needs. So of course a few days later he meets a woman and they fall in love. Now Matt sees his vow as a personal matter, and won't even tell her about it, but his friends think otherwise, and now the complications begin...
Ooh.
# I woke up in a stupor #
# Guess it's time
to face the pooper #
# Sometimes
I feel like Superman #
# Sometimes
I'm just recuperating #
# Yeah #
# My head
Is twisting in its cage #
# My mind
feels like a twenty gauge #
# Hope it's just
a passing stage #
# My heart's not red,
it's beige #
# It's days like this
that burn me #
# Turn me inside out
and learn me #
# Not to tell you anything
I think I know #
# But I think I'll tell you
all that I know #
# Tried to tell you
all about it #
# Thought you might've heard,
I doubt it #
# Every day's a waste I know,
and every day's a funeral #
# Cutting out,
I'm feeling lost #
# Lost my mind,
I'm Mr. Frost #
# Collected all the evidence,
I'm off the edge #
# I'm on the fence #
# It's days like this
that burn me #
# Turn me inside out
and learn me #
Hello. Hello
- So... Wait Hey Hey
- What?
You're such a rogue.
Gimme that.
- No!
- Gimme that.
Hey... hey! Hey! Hey!
# I want to sink
to the bottom of the ocean #
- Hey! Hey!
- Hey?
# With you till I'm gone #
# At the bottom
of the big blue sea #
# Just you and me #
# At the bottom
of the big blue sea #
Hey, baby. Baby!
Turn it off.
Ugh! Turn it off!
- Turn it off!
Do you think this is a joke?
When I come home tonight,
we're gonna talk about this...
'cause this is not working.
You want to push it
even further?
Whatever. This is ridiculous.
# Turn me inside out
and learn me #
# Not to tell you anything
I think I know #
# But I think
I tell you more than I know #
# I don't want to be alone,
I want to be a stone #
# I want to sink
to the bottom of the ocean #
# And lie there,
lie there with you #
# Lie there with you
till I'm gone #
It happened again...
last night.
- Ohh.
- Mmm.
It's hard to explain.
It starts out
like an earthquake...
And I look over at the girl
next to me...
and whoever she is,
she's not Nicole.
And all I feel is emptiness.
And that's when it happens.
This great big black hole...
opens up over my head.
Again with the black hole.
- Yeah.
It's nothing but vast emptiness.
- And then what?
- I panic.
- Unh!
You gotta help me.
You gotta...
light a candle for me
or something.
I'm not lighting a candle...
so you can feel better
about getting laid.
That's not what this is about.
Look, it's been six months
since Nicole dumped you.
And you're running around
feeling sorry for yourself...
screwing every woman in sight.
You want me to tell you it's OK,
that God forgives you...
but at some point, it's not OK,
and he doesn't forgive you!
What kind of advice is that?
If you don't like my advice,
go see a real priest.
How will you be a real priest
if you can't follow the rules?
Besides, you're...
you're the only priest I know
who happens to be my brother.
And you're only a year away
from being a real priest anyway.
Two years.
Look, what you need to do...
is deal with your emotions
and stop screwing around.
What I don't need
is a lecture from you, dick.
You're the dick
No. That sounds great.
That sounds incredible.
Uh-huh. We'll probably have
to bump a few things...
from our schedule, but we can
make it happen for tonight.
Yeah. Matt and I will
definitely be there tonight.
We're putting our bells on
right now.
OK. All right. Bye-bye.
- I can't go.
- What are you talking about?
I just don't feel like it
right now.
You don't fe... Look!
I know you're still trying to
work out your Nicole issues...
with the big black hole,
but trust me, trust me...
I don't have any Nicole issues.
Hi. I'm one of the many
pictures of Nicole...
that infest Ryan and Matt's
apartment after six months.
And she's hot, Matt.
I don't mind looking at her.
I'm just saying you have issues.
These are not issues.
Do you still think about her
when you jerk off?
Anyway, I've got something
that's gonna make it all better.
Those two girls
we met in Tahoe...
in town for one night
and one night only.
Don't say no yet.
No, don't say no. No, no, no.
"I want to come. They're hot.
I want pussy."
Oh, yeah!
- Hi.
- Hi.
How are you doing?
- Good.
- Good.
- You?
- Excellent.
Good.
Mmm. Waiter?
This isn't Absolut Vodka.
I ordered Absolut.
- Yes, it is.
- Are you calling me a liar?
I'll bring you another one.
Sorry. I hope
I didn't come off as mean.
No, no, no.
You know what you want.
That's a good thing, right?
Yeah. Yeah. Yes, I do.
I know exactly what I want.
Mmm.
Unh!
Oh!
I'm sorry. I'm sorry.
- What's wrong?
- Nothing.
- I'll be right back, OK?
- OK.
- Get it together.
Hey. Throw me a magnum
for my magnum, big boy?
- Yeah.
- Thank you.
Hey, have you ever noticed
the crack on my ceiling?
Dude, you're action-packed
with issues.
I can't do this anymore.
I can't do it.
What, does Johnny
not want to come out and play?
No. Johnny... Johnny's fine, OK?
It's...
I'm all fucked up.
All right,
here's what you're gonna do.
You're gonna strap
a helmet on Big John...
put him in the game and he will
play his little heart out.
OK? He'll put up
big numbers for you.
You're gonna forget about
the cracks in the ceiling...
forget about Nicole.
Go out and give your star player
the support he needs.
- Right?
- Right.
Helmet.
Oh, God! Yes! Ohh!
Oh! Oh!
Oh, come with me.
Come with me. Are you ready?
- Almost.
- Oh, yeah! Oh, yeah!
Oh, yes! Oh!
- What are you looking at?
- Nothing. Nothing.
- I'm... Unh.
- Oh! Oh!
Oh! Oh, yeah!
Are you with me?
I'm close. I'm close.
Unh! Oh! Oh, God!
- Ready?
- Now?
Now! Ohh!
Ohh.
Ohhhh!
Ohhhh!
Unh.
Oh-ho!
Ohh.
Ahh.
What the fuck was that?
W-what?
- Did you come?
- Yeah.
No, you didn't. You faked it.
No, no, no. Guys don't fake it.
I don't even think that we can.
- You faked it.
- Hey.
Hey. Hey.
Let go!
- Show me.
- Show you what?
You know. The stuff.
This is ridiculous.
What are you hiding?
Nothing.
Just give me second, OK?
- Ow!
- Just a sec.
Here we go. Use anything.
- What's going on?
- I need something.
Anything that looks
like semen. OK?
Something
that looks like semen?
What is going on out there?
Fuck!
Eww.
You are such a bad liar.
- Hey, Duncan.
- Thanks a lot, man.
- What's up, Matt?
- What's up, man?
- Chris.
Heard you tried to leave one
in the chamber last night.
- Where'd you hear that?
- internet.
It's all on the internet
nowadays, you know.
This is an internet company.
And Ryan has a big mouth, huh?
- Morning, ladies.
- Hmm.
So, you in on
the basketball pool or what?
What's the line
on that game anyway?
I'll talk to the bagel guy
when he gets here.
What does the bagel guy
have to do with this?
The bagel guy knows everything.
The dude's incredible.
Then how come can't he get here
on time with the bagels?
- Appreciate it.
- Is that what I think it is?
- Don't worry.
- Can I see it?
Hey. Dude, it's just been one
of those days, you know?
Yes, I do.
I got held up at this import-
export place in Chinatown.
Some party.
- Golden Spear?
- That's the one.
Their mimosas they make there
are strong.
Go straight to your head.
Blbbh.
I used to know someone
who worked there.
You know Tatiana?
Yeah, I know Tatiana.
She's nice.
No, she's not nice.
She's hot.
I'd hit that.
And how about Merj?
Yeah, I know Merj.
And what about that really
hot chick that got engaged?
That was funny.
What really hot chick
got engaged?
The expediter chick.
You know, real slinky.
- What's her name?
- Nicole?
Nicole. That's it.
Man, she knows the guy,
like, two weeks.
She goes to France,
she comes back, she's engaged.
Now, she is
spontaneous combustion hot.
- I would definitely hit that.
How do you know it's Nicole...
N-Nicole that got engaged?
Dude, that's what the banner
said at the party.
"Congratulations Nicole."
Whew. I can't believe it...
because that girl, you can't
even look right at her.
She's so hot you need one of
those eclipse-watching things...
just to look directly at her,
she's so radiantly hot!
It makes me want to just
throw her down, you know...
and just-
You know what I mean?
Yeah.
I'm glad we can connect on that.
Later, pimp.
- Later.
- Rrr!
Hey, Matt...
Matt?
You... you all right?
- Unh!
- Oh! Oh!
- Oh, God. I am so sorry.
- it?s OK. it?s OK.
- Are you OK?
- Yeah, I'm fine.
Is there anything I can do
to make it better?
Um...
anything?
Again?
Another girl already?
- It?s not even the weekend.
- I know, I know.
She met someone.
Nicole's getting married.
I'm sorry.
I mean, what can I do?
- Tell me what I can do.
- I don't know what to tell you.
This isn't really a problem
I know much about.
Listen, isn't
part of the priestly thing...
giving relationship advice?
Relationship advice, yes.
Sex advice, no.
Part of the priestly thing,
and stop calling it that...
is not to have sex, remember?
It?s funny.
I didn't say a thing about sex.
- Sure you did.
- No, I didn't.
I guess thinking about sex
is part of the priestly thing.
At least for some.
- Get out.
- Fine.
- Good morning, Matt.
- Morning, father.
What's with the purple banners?
Lent. Starts today.
Going to be a long forty days
this year.
I'm giving up my one vice...
those precious little
Madeleine cookies...
dipped in a starbucks mocha.
It's so hard giving up
what you love the most.
I've got it! Jesus Christ,
John, I've got an answer!
And the question is?
- Nicole.
- Again?
No sex for Lent...
for forty days.
If I can do that,
then everything will be OK.
That isn't what Lent is.
Lent is about sacrifice
and growth through self-denial.
Lent is to remember...
How Christ felt
during the fast in the desert.
I grew up in the same house
as you, moron.
But when it comes down to it,
that's exactly what this is.
This is growth,
this is self-denial...
and this is sacrifice.
Dude!
It's not that simple, Matt.
Trust me.
It is that...
You're right.
You're totally right.
Sex alone is not enough.
It has to be sex
and all things sex-like.
You'll never be able to do that.
Just listen, here's the plan.
One... no sex.
Two...
no sexual intimacy of any kind.
No nibbling, no biting,
no scratching.
No sucking, no fondling.
None of that.
And three...
no masturbation.
You won't last a week.
Oh, you're wrong, brother.
I'm gonna go the distance.
Mmm #
# Then I was grown
to be a man #
# Grown to be a man #
# And the devil
would call my name #
# Grown to be a man #
# I said, "Who do"#
# "Who do you think
you're foolin'?"#
# Grown to be a man #
# I can snatch
a little purity #
# My mama loved me #
# She loved me #
# She got down on her knees
and hugged me #
# And she loved me
like a rock #
# Whoa, yeah #
# Rocked me like the rock
of ages and loved me #
# She loved me, loved me,
loved me #
# Loved me like a rock #
# My mama loves me #
# Loves me like a rock #
Your brother looks happy.
He's just taken
a vow of celibacy.
Oh.
Oh, dear.
# Live, baby, live #
# Now that the day is over #
# I got a new sensation #
# In perfect moments #
# So impossible to refuse #
# Sleep, baby, sleep #
# Now that the night is over #
# And the sun comes
like a God #
# Into our room #
Whoo. Dude.
# All perfect light
and prom... #
Dude.
What the fuck is that?
This is a 1966
Karmann Ghia coupe.
When I'm finished with that,
I'm gonna do...
the Caterham super seven
cycle-fender special.
We're going out tonight.
There's this club...
Remember that Australian
chick... Jennifer Moss?
She's got friends visiting
from Sydney.
Can't. I have laundry.
Do you know why they call it
down under, Matt?
I still can't.
Do you realize how much time
we waste thinking about girls?
You want some alone time in
the apartment for jerking off.
That's cool.
I can do that. That's cool.
I'll tell 'em you said hi.
Ohh.
Do you have change
for two dollars?
Excuse me.
I forgot something to read.
Do you mind if I borrow this?
Thanks.
A lovers' rendezvous.
You... you underline words
that you don't know...
and then look them up later?
Right?
And you underlined "tryst"...
which is a meeting of lovers.
I do that, too, so...
Matt?
It was on the cover
of the magazine.
Can I borrow
a sheet of fabric softener?
Thanks.
It's been really fun
almost chatting with you.
Same time next week?
OK. Bye.
You are way ahead of schedule.
If I were you, I'd give me
something else to do quick.
What about
the Willow and Smart account?
Think you can handle that?
I know window treatments
aren't the sexiest...
Oh, no, no.
Doesn't bother me at all.
Good. You'll be designing
the entire webpage.
OK.
Hey, Ryan.
What's happening?
# Turn off the lights #
Do you know
how many hours I spent...
Iooking for
my Temple of Poon tape?
One. That's a long time
to be looking for porn, Matt.
What the fuck is going on here?
One... you can't do it.
You can't. This isn't
a personal attack towards you.
No man can do it.
It goes against nature.
The male was biologically
designed to spread his seed.
You're gonna piss off
the seeds, man!
You're gonna...
It goes against science!
You want to be the guy
who goes against science?
And two?
Two... are you
out of your fucking mind?
You're the guy
who can't finish a sandwich!
You think you can go
forty days?
Four... You...
This isn't normal!
- She got engaged, Ryan.
Nicole got engaged.
Well...
I knew that. I knew that.
l... I didn't tell you...
just because I thought
you'd get pissed off.
I'm sorry.
I should have told you.
I had to hear it
from the bagel guy!
- Does that guy know everything?
- You should have told me!
I know that. I completely
should have told you.
I'm sorry. Just explain this
to me, though, all right?
Nicole gets engaged, you decide
to take a vow of abstinence.
Haven't you gotten to the point
where you need to take a break?
Yes! Look, Matt,
I swear off girls once a week.
Then, before you know it,
it's morning.
That's part of the game.
Did your brother put you
up to this or something?
You know what? He's about
as supportive as you are.
What do you care anyway? This
doesn't affect you in any way.
You...
This affects everyone.
Right now,
the pot is at two hundred.
It's a minimum bet of $50
a day, which goes into the pot.
If your day's the day, you win
the pot, less expenses...
and a bottle of champagne.
If more than one person
bets on the winning day...
they split the pot
according to the percentage...
of the day's total bets
that have been placed.
I go forty days without sex
all the time.
But, dude, you spank it.
- No jerkin' off?
- True.
Yeah. That's why
my money's on today.
There are two things
to bet on...
one...
will it be with some girl?
Two... will it be some lonely
night down the stretch? Pbbt.
How will we know that, exactly?
Well, I can't tell you
everything...
but I can tell you that
there is somebody on the inside.
Yep. Like Ryan.
OK, so Matt
doesn't know anything?
No, no, no, no.
That is very important... key.
This is great.
I mean, this is crazy great.
Everything is so much simpler
when there's no sex involved.
I think this is the best thing
that's ever happened to me.
You're starting to feel it,
aren't you?
What?
The abstinence... it's starting
to get under your skin.
No. Not at all. I'm fine.
You know what I gave up
for Lent?
Meat. Why don't you try
something like that?
Trust me.
Celibacy takes years...
of commitment, character,
and discipline...
which, quite frankly,
are not your best traits.
You think you're the only one
with a little willpower?
A little willpower?
If you can do this,
I can do this.
You have no idea.
What is so hard
about forty days?
They're guys.
To them, forty minutes
is like an eternity.
They're like animals.
Their entire lives
revolve around their penises.
How many days
do you think he'll last?
Days?
Mm-mmm, girl. Watch this.
Uh-oh.
You are so bad.
- Hi.
- Hi.
Did you, um, do these layouts?
I helped on them, kind of.
These are amazing.
Thanks.
You're like this
totally amazing layout guy.
Something's happening.
Behind me.
- OK, come here.
- Oh, no.
Hey, I have
a big layout problem.
You do?
Can you keep a secret?
Yeah.
Oh, goodness.
I have this tattoo
of a butterfly...
on the inside of my thigh.
Yes, you do.
And I want to get
something on the other side...
but, um, I don't know
what to get.
Any ideas?
I don't know.
I was thinking about...
like a cute little pussycat
or something.
Do you like pussy... cats, Matt?
Yeah.
'Cause if you're not
doing anything later...
you should come over
and help me pick one out.
I can't.
I mean, we can't...
because pussycats
are mean to butterflies.
They don't like them.
They dislike them very much...
and hit them with their paws...
and it hurts
the little butterfly.
- Right.
- Yeah.
Well, OK,
if you change your mind...
Did she just Xerox her ass?
- What?
- Get off me!
Give me a call, OK?
This is a photocopy
of Candy's ass?
Yep.
You're gonna call her, right?
Obviously,
you're gonna call her.
No.
I'm not gonna call her.
Ha ha! As soon as you don't
want it, they can smell it.
She photocopied her ass.
She photocopied her own ass.
You're doing a lot of laundry
lately.
Didn't you just do it
last week?
Just keeping it clean.
Who is she?
Look, I'm not gonna
sit in my room...
and build models
for the next forty days.
- Oh, you like her!
- It's... it's not that.
No, no, no! Have a nice time.
# Basically probability #
# Says that things
gonna start with me #
# It's been so long #
# On my shelf #
# Train comes,
I don't know its destination #
# It's a one-way ticket
to a bad, bad situation #
Busted.
# Train comes,
I don't know... #
- Yeah.
I thought I should tell you
I can speak just fine.
They were all out of flowers.
Yeah. That's cute.
I'm Matt. Officially.
Officially Matt.
Officially Erica.
Officially.
So, you normally do
your laundry on Friday nights?
- Yeah. It's my new thing.
- New thing?
Well, there was a party...
Don't you ever feel like
you just keep meeting...
the same exact people
over and over?
Like people that went
to this kind of college...
And now work
that kind of job, right?
Yeah.
I want to have a party
with a list at the door...
of all my friends
and friends of friends...
and if you're on that list...
or you know somebody
on that list...
then you cannot come in.
How do you know
I'm not on that list?
Nobody on that list
would have talked to me...
like you did last week.
Or not talked to me.
Fair enough, fair enough.
So, what do you do
for laundry money?
I'm a cyber nanny.
What... what's that?
I spend all day looking
for pornography on the web.
All right, say you have
a ten-year-old kid...
with an iMac and a browser, and
she searches "Girlfriends"...
and then gets
lesbian mud wrestling.
- Probably not the best thing.
- But you can't avoid it.
Like today,
I ran a search for "sandbox"...
and got "eat my box"...
"Sandy's hot box"...
and my favorite,
"vagina beach."
My job is to find the site
and block it out.
So, you have to look at
these sex sites all day long?
Yeah. All day.
Drive you crazy after a while?
Yeah.
Some days I think...
that if I have to look
at another blowjob I'll scream.
God, yes.
Same thing happens to me.
What, you're going
on a date with her?
What, you're going
on a date with her?
Isn't that kind of getting
in the way of your thing?
- No, not at all.
- So you're not into her?
Oh, I'm totally into her.
So how can you
not want to fuck her?
Listen, you haven't heard
a word I said.
It's perfect the way it is,
and she's amazing...
and we are
totally connecting...
and it's not a sexual thing,
not for either of us.
Dude, you've got to tell her.
Seriously.
You can pass off two dates
without a kiss as old-fashioned.
You go three,
and you're a homo.
Yeah, yeah, I can see that.
Just got off the phone
with the guy.
There's a preliminary report...
a date happening on Thursday.
- What? Different girl?
- Same girl. Different date.
He is taking her on... the bus.
On the bus where?
Nowhere. That's the point.
He just gets on the bus
and goes around.
Mmm.
If you want to get laid...
you take a chick
to a fancy restaurant.
But if you really like her...
you take her
to your secret place.
That's the bus for Matt.
Yeah.
Mine's the post office.
I don't understand.
So he's gonna get laid?
- Why ask me questions?
- I'll take Thursday.
I like to take girls there,
and I say, "Let's go postal."
- Shut up!
- Shut up!
Are you gonna be OK
with this guy?
Yeah. He's great.
- I'll be waiting up for you.
- No, you won't.
Oh, really?
If I bring this guy home
tonight...
you better make yourself scarce,
and I'm not joking, Sam.
- OK. Bye.
- Bye.
# I remember when I found out
about chemistry #
# It was a long, long way
from here #
# I was old enough
to want it #
# But younger
than I wanted to be #
# Suddenly,
my mission was clear #
# So for a while
I conducted experiments #
# And I was amazed
by the things I learned #
# From the fine, fine girls #
# Nothing but
good intentions #
# And a bad tendency
to get burned #
# Ahh, all about chemistry #
# Won't you show me
everything you know? #
# Ahh,
wonder what you'd do to me #
- There you go!
- Ha! All right!
Hmm. Told you.
So, did any other guys
ever take you on a bus?
Well, there...
there was a guy
who got us kicked off a bus...
and another guy
who tried to steal a bus...
and then the most recent guy
I dated...
went through a phase where he
actually thought he was a bus.
Where do you find guys
like that?
I don't. I don't.
They just...
They always find me.
They always find me.
What about you? Any criminal
records, addictions...
or weird little secrets
I should know about right now?
No.
Yeah. I didn't think so.
You're pretty up-front
about yourself.
I have no reason
not to be honest, I guess.
Yeah. It always catches up
to you if you're not.
Yeah.
That's the way it is with me.
I mean, was with me.
Back in my more youthful,
wasted, younger days.
This is me.
I've never had so much fun
on a bus before.
Me, too.
Good night.
Good night.
I'll... Unh! Whoa! Aah!
- Ow.
- W-watch that.
- I'll talk to you soon, OK?
- OK.
Very soon. Like tomorrow.
I'll give you a call.
- Great.
- Bye!
Bye.
- Like, a high five?
- No. More like a "Gimme five."
He's got a girlfriend.
Some guys are just different
about this stuff, you know.
Mm-hmm. Gay is different
to some people.
Well, I trust him.
That means a lot.
Is this anything like
the last guy you trusted...
who stole half your jewelry
and sold it on eBay?
Apparently, speed
is a very expensive drug, Sam.
Dude, you are so gone.
No, I love hanging out
with him. He's amazing.
I'm treated like an equal,
and we're connecting...
- It sucks, doesn't it?
- Yeah, it does.
It totally sucks.
Why doesn't he just
want to have sex with me?
So, how did it go last night,
champ?
What?
With your date.
Did you hit that or what?
What... what...
- What are you talking about?
Nothing.
Whoo. That was weird.
No more drugs pour moi.
What the fuck is going on?
You guys put up
a web page about me?
Web page? Please.
Be more insulting, man.
This is a complicated
betting pool.
You guys can't make this public.
This is not something that
I want everyone to know about.
It's a little too late, dude.
Today's bets. Originally,
the spread favored day 26...
but with all the dating action
in Mattland these days...
I'm gonna recommend day 23.
Someone just placed
another bet.
I had one come in all the way
from Bangladesh.
Little Haji
just loves to roll the dice.
You guys have advertisers?
A friend of mine
started up a business...
and I gave him a good price.
A porn site!
Oh, shit!
# You fell down #
# Dropped it in water #
Hey! You know where
Erica Sutton is?
- Yeah. She's...
- Where?
You're that guy.
The abstinence guy.
Hey, it's the abstinence guy!
What is this, some kind
of a bet not to sleep with me?
No, this isn't a bet.
Let me explain.
Don't explain.
You don't have to.
I just read about it
over the fucking internet.
Erica! Erica, I should have
told you about this.
I thought you'd think
I was a freak. I'm sorry.
I can't believe the load of
bullshit that you fed to me...
about telling the damn truth.
l... I did this for myself.
I didn't think anybody else
knew about it. I swear to God.
Plus, if I told you,
you'd think I was a sex addict.
- Are you?
- No!
Then what is the point?
What is the point
of this whole thing?
I just wanted to see
what it would be like...
without all the shit
that sex brings to the picture.
Oh, so I'm like
some science experiment?
No! l... Look, I was going
through a really rough time...
and I just wanted to stop.
I wanted to stop
thinking about sex.
Not that I was thinking
about sex all the time...
I just wanted to stop.
And the thing is, it's working.
It's really working.
I'm glad it's working
for one of us.
You stupid, stupid,
silly little person!
Why did you have to go
and tell everyone?
Look, if you're so ashamed,
maybe you shouldn't be doing it.
I'm not ashamed!
I'm embarrassed!
Then quit, Matt. Just quit.
Nobody thinks
you'll finish this thing.
I'm not fucking quitting.
Everything was going great
until you had to...
I stopped having sex...
I'm totally
falling for Erica...
and I'm finally over Nicole.
You really think
you're over her?
Fuck, yeah! Bitch.
Hmm. I ran into her
and her fianc? last night.
What was he like?
He... he parties
with a friend of mine.
Apparently, the dude
works late every night.
That's what I heard.
So?
He works late every night...
a different girl every night.
Not that
it should matter to you.
No.
Why would it matter to me?
Yeah.
My wife and I have
been married for eight years.
I love her very much.
I... consider myself
a lucky person.
That being said...
this woman...
does not put out at all.
I mean, at all.
I mean, we used to have sex
everywhere.
We used to have sex
in this office.
We had sex on this floor.
We had sex on this desk.
- On that chair.
- OK. I get it, I get it.
But now, I have
to practically beg for it.
I mean, it was kind of hot
for the first eight months.
The chasing after her...
surprising her
with my sexy new underwear.
But now,
I feel a little like a...
like I'm a pervert.
I heard about the vow...
and I think it's genius.
Thanks.
I mean, this is
the perfect way for me...
to regain the power
in my relationship.
See, I take the vow.
I tell her I'm gonna do without
for a few months.
I bet in half the time she's
going to be begging for it.
Don't you think?
What do you think?
I think you don't know what
you're getting yourself into.
Hey, put that away. Books
get you in trouble around here.
- I can't work right now.
- So go home.
- I need the money.
- So work.
It all reminds me of Matt.
Even "donkey lovers"?
Call him or leave.
You're bugging me.
# A strange condition #
# A daily prison #
# You've got me
out of my head #
# And I don't know
what I came for #
# Send me money, baby #
# Do not leave out a wage #
# You know
you're the best thing #
# In the corner
of this place #
# And I want you to know #
- How's the chicken?
- Good.
# This strange condition #
Why is this so weird?
If I told you, "Don't think
about the color red..."
what would you think about?
Sex.
OK, so we're both sitting here
thinking about sex...
because
we can't think about sex...
because
we can't talk about sex...
and we certainly cannot
have sex.
It's like,
so what are we doing here?
You know, if I didn't have
this vow thing...
I'd kiss you right now.
- Thanks.
- Thanks.
You OK?
I'm fine.
- Are you sure?
- I'll be right back.
- Are you...
- Yeah.
Sir! Sir!
Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa!
Aah!
- Aah! Aah!
Oh! Aah! I'm OK.
Thank you. Thank you.
I'm OK. Thank you.
- Matt.
- I'm OK.
Hi.
Nicole. How are you?
Well, better than you
at the moment.
- Yeah. Yeah.
This is, um, this is...
This is Erica.
Nicole.
David Brokaw. Hi.
I'm Matt. I'm Matt.
Oh, yes. Yes, of course.
Matt, you work at one
of those dot coms, don't you?
Yes. Yes, I do.
David's the youngest
executive vice president...
at Morgan Stanley.
Yeah, well, I'm the youngest...
Yeah, hey,
It's all good, Matt.
Listen, honey, you want
to give it one more try?
It's good to see you.
Yeah, you, too.
Bye.
She's the real reason
you took that vow.
No.
She's just an ex.
The vow is something
completely separate from her.
You're a really bad liar.
I get that a lot.
Look, I know I should've
told you about her.
Yeah, you should've.
But I guess it's hard for you
to get the truth out.
Shit.
Hey, how about I quit the vow?
I mean, honestly,
I don't care about the vow.
Oh, sure, now
St. Matt wants a piece.
- No, that's not it at all.
- You don't want me?
No, of course I want you.
It's just...
I care about the vow, and...
- You do?
- Yeah, I do.
And her?
I don't know.
I'll tell you what.
You want me?
Yeah.
Then finish your stupid vow.
And if you finish it...
then maybe we can talk
about being together. Maybe.
I've given up sex,
because I just...
I just want to connect
with people on a deeper level.
- Really?
- Yeah.
Is it working?
Working?
Of course it's working!
It's like this incredible high.
Can you not feel that?
Just sitting here
talking with you...
I'm mind orgasmic right now.
Mind orgasmic.
Yeah.
Hmm.
Oh, God Ohh
We need to talk.
I can't. I gotta go.
l... I understand
what you're doing, Matt.
- You do?
- Mm-hmm.
Women have been doing this
since, well, forever...
so we know all about the power.
See, us having the power,
that's part of the system...
and by you taking the power,
you're fucking with the system.
And I think you see why
we can't let that happen.
You bet on today.
This is about money.
Ah-ah. Signed and
notarized commitment...
to donate all proceeds
to charity.
So you want to have sex with me
to regain "the power"?
We're willing to do
whatever is necessary...
to get the job done.
Why do you keep saying "we"?
Oh, fuck.
Now, we think that this offer
is more than fair.
Can I talk to you for a second?
- Excuse me. What?
- I don't think I can do this.
Andie, we talked about this
already, OK?
I know, but just look at him.
I mean, he used to be
kind of cute...
but now he's just twitchy.
Shh. It'll be over
in, like, two seconds, OK?
Would you care to join us, hmm?
Mmm.
Oh, God. Not the tongues.
Oh, my God. I gotta go.
Yesterday was fine.
I mean, physically speaking,
I was fine.
But today... I'm not fine.
This morning
at the coffee shop...
they were sponsoring
hot women wearing no bras day.
Whoo.
Hot, hot women wearing no bras?
I mean, like hot, hot women.
There were 48 breasts at
the Cafe Trieste this morning.
# Take a look at me #
I know this phase. It passes.
But why does this
have to happen now?
I mean, yesterday Erica tells
me I have to finish the vow...
and today I'm slammed by sex.
Why?
- Look, you've gone 26 days?
- Mm-hmm.
- That's very admirable.
- Yeah, thanks.
But you can't come
to mom and dad's tonight.
If I don't go, they'll kill me.
You don't want them
to see you like this.
I don't want me
to see me like this...
but if there's one place
I'm safe it's at home, right?
- Mmm.
- Right?
From thy bounty,
through Christ, our lord. Amen.
So, dad, when your hip heals,
will it be like normal?
Yeah, pretty much.
I can golf, ride a bike.
He just has to be careful.
It's amazing
the things you can do now.
You know, I'm part
of a pilot program...
that's tracking
my range of motion.
Really?
Oh, they don't want
to hear about that.
No, no. They want
to see what effect...
the operation's
had on my sex life.
Sorry.
Do we have to talk about this
at dinner?
Bev, we're all adults
here, aren't we?
Isn't sex a God-given
natural part of life?
Don't start, dad.
Why not talk about it? I think
a good sexual appetite...
is a real, normal,
healthy part of being a man.
And a woman.
Who wants more beans?
I do.
They're grown men.
They're old enough to know...
that their mother's machine
is still running hot.
Walter, this isn't the moment.
Oh, no.
Let me show you people.
See...
they sent me this sheet.
A whole bunch
of different positions on it.
I just check off
the ones I can do...
like this one here.
I can do that,
so I check the box.
Hey, here's an old standby.
But, see, I can't do that
because of my hip...
so, you know,
I don't check the box.
Bev, have we ever
tried this before?
Walter, how could you forget
the Maui Hilton?
In the shower.
I nearly killed myself.
Yes.
Damn it.
Surprise inspection.
What the hell is that thing?
It's a special light
that allows me to see...
if any fluids
have been liberated.
Keep up the good work.
Hmm.
Mmm.
Ohh. These are good.
Is...
Is he twisting her nipple?
Jeez, that's an oversight.
I'll fix that.
I know what you mean. I've been
surfing for porn all week.
- What am I doing wrong?
- Huh?
I mean, not only is my wife
not begging for it...
she's not...
I've never seen her so happy.
And today. Did you see it's
the warmest day of the year?
Yeah, it's spring.
It's spring, Goddamn it...
and they're... look at 'em.
They're all wearing...
their little summer dresses.
Just...
Hmm?
What am I supposed to do now,
vow boy, huh?
Fix this.
Damn it!
Come on.
- What's up, dog?
- Hey, what's up, dog?
- What are you doing?
- Just, uh, freshenin' up.
I'm tired of waiting
for things to happen.
And my money's on today.
Yeah, that's great.
So what the fuck is that?
This is what the American
Medical Association...
refers to as... Viagra.
Well, I'm not gonna
let you do that, bro.
Well, you can be bought... bro.
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
Ohh.
Who's that? What's that?
Oh, God, that's that new girl
in tech support.
Did you know
that regular ejaculation...
is a preventative
against prostate cancer?
So, is it that
you hate your penis?
Because, I mean, I personally
feel like that's...
God, that's one of the best
relationships I have.
Why do you think they call it
the little head?
I'll tell you why.
Because he has ideas.
l...
- Nice going, dumb ass.
- What?
Hey, Jerry.
Chow mein. New girl in tech.
Very hot.
Ah... ah... ah. Mmm.
Ahh. This tastes funny.
Not bad,
just, you know, funny.
Ohh. Mmm.
Hey, Jerry.
Oh.
Ohh.
l... Excuse me.
I have to get...
- Uh...
- Do you need this?
- No.
l... I'm so thirsty.
- Are you OK?
- Mm-hmm.
Captain Blueballs.
Been looking for you
since lunch.
I was just, uh-
maintaining these...
Yeah.
Matt, look at yourself.
Your life is shit.
You're hiding out
In a fuckin' storage room.
OK, here's how it's gonna go.
You've already won.
You've already
proven everyone wrong.
Now it's serious.
The pot's
up to eighteen thousand.
That's a lot of money,
isn't it?
- It's your vow.
It should be your money.
So I'm gonna split it with you.
That's right.
And all you have to do
is take the dive.
Think about it...
nine thousand dollars.
Nine large.
Just take this.
Uh-oh. You like her.
Now we're talkin'.
- She's something, isn't she?
Take her into the bathroom
and get on with your life.
Yes. Yes.
# Ah #
No, no, no. No, no.
He can't do this.
I want to talk to him.
Matt, don't do it!
We need you, Matt
Matt, don't do it
Think about the little guy,
Matt
Don't think about that
Think about me
- Huh? Think about me!
- Matt!
No, no, no, no.
Get out of here!
Get out of here!
Matt, this is important!
I'm going to go in there.
- I will throw down.
- Come on!
Yeah. Fire in the hole.
I'm going to give you
until the count of three.
Let's rock and roll.
Aah!
You understand
why I had to do that?
Aah. Ahh...
- Jerry?
Uh, Jerry's not here right now.
May I take a message?
What about the vow, Jerry?
I tried. l... I didn't...
I tried. I really...
It just... it just hit me
all at once.
I mean, I've jerked off
three times since lunch.
I still have
this fucking hard-on.
Way to go, Mr. Anderson.
Two more, and you break
the company record.
- Oh.
- Aw.
Boo.
What?
All right.
This is ridiculous.
- I am going in.
Ahh. Uhh.
Where is Matt?
Um...
Heh.
Well, I don't know.
He didn't do it.
- Yeah!
Hi.
I know
I shouldn't be here...
but I've been thinking
about you a lot...
and I had to see you.
What are those,
like some kind of a bribe?
More like... gentle persuasion.
Is this going to get
worse before it gets better?
Probably, but I got
to get this out...
before I lose
my train of thought.
See...
Nicole had this...
special status.
More like a special power.
And I couldn't match it...
and I couldn't find anybody
to replace it.
- I think I get it.
- You do?
It's very easy to confuse
a physical attraction...
with a real connection.
Yeah.
Sometimes you just can't tell.
Well, you can tell.
You can tell by the kiss.
You know, the other stuff...
the sex, "Is he hot?"
It doesn't matter.
All that matters is the kiss.
How do you know about me?
I don't.
I don't even know
If you can feel that.
I can feel that.
Is this against the rules?
I'll let you be
the judge of that.
- I'm thinking now.
- I'm thinking now, too.
Come here.
# I wanna walk beside you #
# Nowhere
that I have ever been #
# And all the dreams
inside you #
# I am the one
you have not seen #
# I feel immune #
# By my own mind #
# I can't refuse #
# An offer to make love #
# To you #
# How come your words
affect me #
Ooh.
# I have not wanted #
# To be allowed #
# And yet
I made you set free #
# With all the meaning
was the sound #
# In your refrain #
# I hear the chords #
# Of love in vain #
Ohh.
# How can I help #
# Calling your name? #
I wasn't supposed
to do that, was I?
Huh? Huh?
Mmm.
Good night, sweetie.
Oh, no. Don't go to sleep yet,
because...
we should talk about something.
- Mm-hmm.
- We could talk about anything.
We could talk about...
we could talk about stickers.
Do you like stickers?
Erica?
Matt, what are you doing?
The Willow and Smart people
are here.
We're late
for the presentation. Come on.
- Oh, my...
- What the...
Hi. Sorry I'm late.
- Miss Willow.
- Ohh.
Uhh.
Come on over here
for a second. Um...
Want some camomile tea?
I think little Mattie
is trying to say hello.
Oh, Jesus.
You might want to try
some tightly-whiteys, jeans.
- You, go home. Now.
- OK.
So, shall we get it on?
Start?
From a flower?
Like, a vibrating flower?
No. No, just a flower.
And he didn't touch you once?
He didn't even try
to touch you?
No, and I so wanted him to...
but what we were doing
was so perfect.
Oh, yeah, perfect...
the immaculate orgasm.
- Yes.
- You are unbelievable.
# Yeah, yeah, yeah #
# We have a space to share #
Erica.
# What I'm gonna do
with today #
Coming.
Hey, baby.
Oh, that's sweet.
I really needed to hear that.
Oh, God, I must look awful.
Yeah.
Well, you don't look so great.
It's a long story. What are you
doing here, Nicole?
I just...
needed to talk to someone.
Where's David?
I don't know.
At the office, probably.
Working late?
We broke it off. It's over.
Or he broke it off,
I don't know.
I made the commitment...
but I guess he wasn't
too committed to it.
I'm sorry.
How's...
Emily?
Her name's Erica.
Good.
You never think about me
anymore?
Not even just a little?
Let me put it this way.
I have thought about you...
about us... a lot.
But tonight,
when you came in...
was the first time I didn't get
all fucked up about it.
I think we could get you
fucked up about it again.
Hey.
Maybe you should go, hmm?
Mmm, I think your little friend
here wants me to stay.
Yeah, well, my little friend's
not in charge anymore...
so maybe you should go.
You're saying no to me?
You always do this to me...
and I'm the idiot
because I keep coming back...
but I'm not coming back
anymore.
You take everything from me.
That is so not true.
Oh, yeah? Name me one thing
that you ever gave me.
l... I gave you
The Bridges of Madison County...
you ungrateful asshole.
I never told you this. I didn't
want to hurt your feelings.
That was the biggest piece
of trash I ever tried to read.
You pig.
Matt, I am so... so mad
that I have...
I have to tell you.
Watching you standing up
for yourself like this...
has never made me so...
so...
hot.
I like this.
Where have you been?
You can slam that door
in my face if you want...
but I'll just be
on the other side, even hotter.
Holy hell.
Slam that door
in my dirty, bad, bad face.
Oh, God, Matt, slam it!
Aah!
Will you just
think about it, OK?
The dude was in the john
with a dirty mag.
If that's me,
I'm painting the ceiling.
Who does this Matt guy
think he is, anyways?
He's jerking us around.
How do we know this is real?
If you just go to Big Window,
look at the dude's face.
You would know. It's for real.
Merj, how many times
have I been wrong?
Pfft.
Stupid monkey-ass moron.
Why don't you quit
wasting my time over here?
Hey, bagel guy.
You know my name?
She says to me,
"You look like Lionel Richie."
Well, that's great, isn't it?
No, that's not great.
That's not good.
Are you Chris?
- No, but I can be.
- Chris would be me.
Excuse me.
I need to place a bet.
Can you deal with this?
- Yeah, sure.
- Good.
The thing is,
it's a sucker bet.
It's going to be over
in twenty four hours.
32 hours, 12 minutes,
and 26 seconds.
Thanks.
Plus, Matt
has this whole, uh...
you know, midnight madness
thing mapped out and...
His friend is coming over
at the stroke of midnight.
You get it?
The stroke of midnight?
Thanks, buddy.
So, you'll take it?
Sure.
Thank you.
- Aw...
- Uhh.
# I close my eyes
when I get too sad #
# I think thoughts
that I know are bad #
# Close my eyes,
and I count to ten #
# Hope it's over
when I open them #
# I want the things
that I had before #
# Like a Star Wars poster
on the bedroom door #
# I wish I could
count to ten #
Ohh! Ohh!
# Make everything
be wonderful again #
Ohh! Ohh! Aah!
# We'll sit around
while they get some air #
# I hear them scream,
I hear them fight #
# They say bad words
that make me want to cry #
# I close my eyes
when I go to bed #
She's filled
with heavenly sweetness.
# I'll feel better
when I hear them say #
I somehow don't think
Mr. Butterworth...
would appreciate that
very much.
# Why must this mean
everything #
# When you're little,
and the world's so big #
# I just don't
understand how #
# You can smile with
all those tears in your eyes #
# Tell me
everything is wonderful now #
# No #
# Na na na na na na na #
# No, I don't wanna hear you
tell me #
Excuse me, is this taken?
No.
# That I will understand
some day #
# No, no, no #
# No, no, no, no #
# Someday,
If I hate everything #
# Please don't tell me #
# Everything
Is wonderful now #
# Na na na na na na na #
# Na na na na na na na #
# No #
Aah!
# Everything
Is wonderful now #
- You got to help me.
- You got to knock.
I'm seeing things.
I swear to God,
everywhere I look...
I'm seeing tits and ass.
When I came in here, I swear
to God, I saw you kissing a nun.
Oh, my God!
You were kissing a nun!
I'm slipping, Matt.
I've already slipped.
- It's your stories.
- This is my fault?
No, it's mine.
It's been bubbling
under the surface...
for a long time now.
I'm leaving the seminary
for a little while.
What?
It's just a sabbatical.
If I come back...
When I come back,
it'll be for good.
So, you can't help me?
You're on your own, little man.
Ahh.
Well, welcome
to the cathedral of ill repute.
Merci, monsieur.
Um, make yourself comfortable.
Bien sur.
I almost fucked
an outlet today.
You, uh...
Since when do you smoke, Matt?
- Since today.
- Jesus.
Is this him?
Yep. That's our boy.
You've started
a whole new movement.
Megatonchism...
sex without orgasms ever.
You like to party?
Can I borrow your handcuffs?
If my hand is free, I'm
bound to do anything with it.
Anything.
How much did you drink, Matt?
God's spirit made Jesus
go to the desert.
He was there for forty days
while Satan tested him.
He was living
with the wild animals...
but angels took care of him.
Mark 1:12.
I look like Jesus on the cross.
- Yes, you do.
- Yep.
You do.
So, what about
your late night visitor?
Leave the front door
open a little bit...
and put that key right there.
When she comes,
I'll tell her...
I was accosted
by home invaders...
and they tied me up.
OK, champ. Anastasia and I
are going to leave now...
so... you should sleep.
Think about the angels.
Peace be with you.
He is a little weird,
but it is Easter.
I feel like
it's my first time.
It is, isn't it?
You are going to be great.
It's going to be great.
Ha!
Haah!
Whoal
Aahl
Uhh
Show me you can do it.
You can do it, Matt.
Show me you can do it.
Ohh.
You can do it, Matt.
You can do it.
You can...
Ohh!
Oh, there we go.
- Doesn't that feel better?
- Ohh. Uhh.
Relax, baby.
It's over.
What? Why?
Why would you do this?
Well, this all started
because of me.
It only seems natural
that I should end it, huh?
Oh, here's your key.
I kept meaning to return it.
It turns out
the front door was open.
Are you expecting someone?
Oh, fuck.
- Uhh!
Oh, my...
I was asleep.
I thought she was you.
Ohh. Was it worth it?
Oh, come on, Erica, please.
Erica!
Erica!
Oh, shit.
# I see the fever #
# And I love her for that #
I'll say it was me. I'll say
I set the whole thing up.
I'll say that I handcuffed you
to the bed... which is true...
that I sent her over here.
She was here to see me.
No.
No? I'll tell her something
less idiotic, obviously, but...
No.
No more lies.
This doesn't seem like
one of those...
"truth will set you free"
situations.
No, it doesn't.
Hey.
Guess who dropped by.
He left hours ago.
He brought you this.
Personally,
I prefer the telegram...
but I did get to talk to him
for a little bit.
So?
I don't want to hear about it.
- OK.
- But now you're on his side?
Yeah, Erica.
He melted my heart.
He's a real mess about you.
It was a little pathetic.
That's not good enough.
Don't be stupid, Erica.
He's crazy about you.
What else do you want?
# She wouldn't let me,
and I love her for that #
# Ooh, oh #
# And though #
# You steal her #
# You love her
and deceive her #
# She did nothing #
# So wrong #
# So wrong #
# Oh #
Helps with static cling.
# And I love her for that #
Where's your laundry?
I've been here
every day this week.
All my laundry's clean.
I know I screwed up with you...
over and over and over.
It just took me a long time
to realize what I was doing.
Yes, it did.
I was trying to take a part
of me and make it go away.
And I closed my world off, and
I put myself in a little box.
And for a while,
everything seemed clear.
But then you came along...
and that didn't help anything.
Remember when you said
that you could never tell...
about someone
until you kiss them?
Well...
I screwed up.
l... I should've just done this.
Are you done talking now?
Thirty eight hours exactly.
- Son of a bitch.
- Damn it.
The pot's up to 140. Anybody
else want in on hour 39?
Hey, hey.
How do we even know that
they're still even in there?
They could've put the CD player
on repeat or shuffle.
- That's a good point.
- It is a good point...
because they could've
snuck out the back window...
and we're still sitting around
here like a bunch of chimps.
- Chimps.
- You know what? Look at me.
I've been here the whole time.
Believe it.
Oh, put me in for a tenner.
He'll keep going.
Two dollars, please.
- Uhh.
- Hey, Matt.
- What's up, Matt?
Hey, Matt.
All right, you guys. Come on,
get out. Get out of my house.
No, no. You know what?
Come on, come on.
Get out of my house.
I'll just take this.
Bye.
- Later, stud.
- See you later.
Thanks for the fish, Matt.
Looking good. How long
are you going to be in there?
- Let's go.
- Hey, I'm going.
Chris, I'm going to call you
tomorrow, all right?
- What are you doing?
- You, too.
- I don't have my keys on me.
- Good.
Wait, this is my house, dude.
Not for the next
twenty four hours, it's not.
And you all should be
ashamed of yourselves.
You're kidding.
Don't have sex on my bed.
He can't last in there
another 24 hours. He'll die.
How much you want to bet?
How much do I want to bet
that he'll actually die?
- I'll put ten bucks on it.
- Another ten.
I don't have a life.
# A little
sexual frustration #
# Combined with
lack of motivation #
# And a loss
of concentration #
# I got a strange disease #
# Two weeks ago #
# You said
you'd never leave me #
# And here I am alone #
# And in this world
of reckless happenstance #
# Why do good things
have to go away #
# And leave you with nothing #
# Yeah,
you left me with nothing #
# Ah ah ah ah #
# Ah #
# A strange disease #
# Wee-ooh, wee-ooh #
# Wee-ooh, wee-ooh #
# Wee-ooh, wee-ooh #
# Overemotional sensations #
# Sit by your
television stations #
# And unaffected
by locations #
# I got a strange disease #
# I can't seem
to get to sleep #
# I don't want
nothing to eat #
# Walking up and down
your street #
# I got a strange disease #
# Why did you have #
# To put
so much pressure on me? #
# You pushed my heart away #
# I didn't mean to scare you,
little one #
# Is there nothing
I can say? #
# Don't leave me
with nothing #
# Yeah, you left me
with nothing #
# Ah ah ah ah #
# Ah #
# And a strange disease #
# Wee-ooh, wee-ooh #
# Wee-ooh, wee-ooh #
# Wee-ooh, wee-ooh #
# Now I'm standing
in the rain #
# Water's soaking
through my brain #
# Every droplet
speaks your name #
# And it's driving me insane #
# I don't want to go to work,
my libido's gone berserk #
# I don't want
nothing to eat #
# Walkin' up and down
your street #
# But only two weeks ago #
# You said
you'd never leave me #
# Now here I am alone #
# And in this world
of reckless happenstance #
# Why do good things
have to go away #
# And leave you
with nothing #
# Yeah,
you left me with nothing #
# Ah ah ah ah #
# Ah #
# A strange disease #
# Wee-ooh, wee-ooh #
# I woke up in a stupor #
# Guess it's time
to face the pooper #
# Sometimes
I feel like Superman #
# Sometimes
I'm just recuperating #
# Yeah #
# My head
Is twisting in its cage #
# My mind
feels like a twenty gauge #
# Hope it's just
a passing stage #
# My heart's not red,
it's beige #
# It's days like this
that burn me #
# Turn me inside out
and learn me #
# Not to tell you anything
I think I know #
# But I think I'll tell you
all that I know #
# Tried to tell you
all about it #
# Thought you might've heard,
I doubt it #
# Every day's a waste I know,
and every day's a funeral #
# Cutting out,
I'm feeling lost #
# Lost my mind,
I'm Mr. Frost #
# Collected all the evidence,
I'm off the edge #
# I'm on the fence #
# It's days like this
that burn me #
# Turn me inside out
and learn me #
Hello. Hello
- So... Wait Hey Hey
- What?
You're such a rogue.
Gimme that.
- No!
- Gimme that.
Hey... hey! Hey! Hey!
# I want to sink
to the bottom of the ocean #
- Hey! Hey!
- Hey?
# With you till I'm gone #
# At the bottom
of the big blue sea #
# Just you and me #
# At the bottom
of the big blue sea #
Hey, baby. Baby!
Turn it off.
Ugh! Turn it off!
- Turn it off!
Do you think this is a joke?
When I come home tonight,
we're gonna talk about this...
'cause this is not working.
You want to push it
even further?
Whatever. This is ridiculous.
# Turn me inside out
and learn me #
# Not to tell you anything
I think I know #
# But I think
I tell you more than I know #
# I don't want to be alone,
I want to be a stone #
# I want to sink
to the bottom of the ocean #
# And lie there,
lie there with you #
# Lie there with you
till I'm gone #
It happened again...
last night.
- Ohh.
- Mmm.
It's hard to explain.
It starts out
like an earthquake...
And I look over at the girl
next to me...
and whoever she is,
she's not Nicole.
And all I feel is emptiness.
And that's when it happens.
This great big black hole...
opens up over my head.
Again with the black hole.
- Yeah.
It's nothing but vast emptiness.
- And then what?
- I panic.
- Unh!
You gotta help me.
You gotta...
light a candle for me
or something.
I'm not lighting a candle...
so you can feel better
about getting laid.
That's not what this is about.
Look, it's been six months
since Nicole dumped you.
And you're running around
feeling sorry for yourself...
screwing every woman in sight.
You want me to tell you it's OK,
that God forgives you...
but at some point, it's not OK,
and he doesn't forgive you!
What kind of advice is that?
If you don't like my advice,
go see a real priest.
How will you be a real priest
if you can't follow the rules?
Besides, you're...
you're the only priest I know
who happens to be my brother.
And you're only a year away
from being a real priest anyway.
Two years.
Look, what you need to do...
is deal with your emotions
and stop screwing around.
What I don't need
is a lecture from you, dick.
You're the dick
No. That sounds great.
That sounds incredible.
Uh-huh. We'll probably have
to bump a few things...
from our schedule, but we can
make it happen for tonight.
Yeah. Matt and I will
definitely be there tonight.
We're putting our bells on
right now.
OK. All right. Bye-bye.
- I can't go.
- What are you talking about?
I just don't feel like it
right now.
You don't fe... Look!
I know you're still trying to
work out your Nicole issues...
with the big black hole,
but trust me, trust me...
I don't have any Nicole issues.
Hi. I'm one of the many
pictures of Nicole...
that infest Ryan and Matt's
apartment after six months.
And she's hot, Matt.
I don't mind looking at her.
I'm just saying you have issues.
These are not issues.
Do you still think about her
when you jerk off?
Anyway, I've got something
that's gonna make it all better.
Those two girls
we met in Tahoe...
in town for one night
and one night only.
Don't say no yet.
No, don't say no. No, no, no.
"I want to come. They're hot.
I want pussy."
Oh, yeah!
- Hi.
- Hi.
How are you doing?
- Good.
- Good.
- You?
- Excellent.
Good.
Mmm. Waiter?
This isn't Absolut Vodka.
I ordered Absolut.
- Yes, it is.
- Are you calling me a liar?
I'll bring you another one.
Sorry. I hope
I didn't come off as mean.
No, no, no.
You know what you want.
That's a good thing, right?
Yeah. Yeah. Yes, I do.
I know exactly what I want.
Mmm.
Unh!
Oh!
I'm sorry. I'm sorry.
- What's wrong?
- Nothing.
- I'll be right back, OK?
- OK.
- Get it together.
Hey. Throw me a magnum
for my magnum, big boy?
- Yeah.
- Thank you.
Hey, have you ever noticed
the crack on my ceiling?
Dude, you're action-packed
with issues.
I can't do this anymore.
I can't do it.
What, does Johnny
not want to come out and play?
No. Johnny... Johnny's fine, OK?
It's...
I'm all fucked up.
All right,
here's what you're gonna do.
You're gonna strap
a helmet on Big John...
put him in the game and he will
play his little heart out.
OK? He'll put up
big numbers for you.
You're gonna forget about
the cracks in the ceiling...
forget about Nicole.
Go out and give your star player
the support he needs.
- Right?
- Right.
Helmet.
Oh, God! Yes! Ohh!
Oh! Oh!
Oh, come with me.
Come with me. Are you ready?
- Almost.
- Oh, yeah! Oh, yeah!
Oh, yes! Oh!
- What are you looking at?
- Nothing. Nothing.
- I'm... Unh.
- Oh! Oh!
Oh! Oh, yeah!
Are you with me?
I'm close. I'm close.
Unh! Oh! Oh, God!
- Ready?
- Now?
Now! Ohh!
Ohh.
Ohhhh!
Ohhhh!
Unh.
Oh-ho!
Ohh.
Ahh.
What the fuck was that?
W-what?
- Did you come?
- Yeah.
No, you didn't. You faked it.
No, no, no. Guys don't fake it.
I don't even think that we can.
- You faked it.
- Hey.
Hey. Hey.
Let go!
- Show me.
- Show you what?
You know. The stuff.
This is ridiculous.
What are you hiding?
Nothing.
Just give me second, OK?
- Ow!
- Just a sec.
Here we go. Use anything.
- What's going on?
- I need something.
Anything that looks
like semen. OK?
Something
that looks like semen?
What is going on out there?
Fuck!
Eww.
You are such a bad liar.
- Hey, Duncan.
- Thanks a lot, man.
- What's up, Matt?
- What's up, man?
- Chris.
Heard you tried to leave one
in the chamber last night.
- Where'd you hear that?
- internet.
It's all on the internet
nowadays, you know.
This is an internet company.
And Ryan has a big mouth, huh?
- Morning, ladies.
- Hmm.
So, you in on
the basketball pool or what?
What's the line
on that game anyway?
I'll talk to the bagel guy
when he gets here.
What does the bagel guy
have to do with this?
The bagel guy knows everything.
The dude's incredible.
Then how come can't he get here
on time with the bagels?
- Appreciate it.
- Is that what I think it is?
- Don't worry.
- Can I see it?
Hey. Dude, it's just been one
of those days, you know?
Yes, I do.
I got held up at this import-
export place in Chinatown.
Some party.
- Golden Spear?
- That's the one.
Their mimosas they make there
are strong.
Go straight to your head.
Blbbh.
I used to know someone
who worked there.
You know Tatiana?
Yeah, I know Tatiana.
She's nice.
No, she's not nice.
She's hot.
I'd hit that.
And how about Merj?
Yeah, I know Merj.
And what about that really
hot chick that got engaged?
That was funny.
What really hot chick
got engaged?
The expediter chick.
You know, real slinky.
- What's her name?
- Nicole?
Nicole. That's it.
Man, she knows the guy,
like, two weeks.
She goes to France,
she comes back, she's engaged.
Now, she is
spontaneous combustion hot.
- I would definitely hit that.
How do you know it's Nicole...
N-Nicole that got engaged?
Dude, that's what the banner
said at the party.
"Congratulations Nicole."
Whew. I can't believe it...
because that girl, you can't
even look right at her.
She's so hot you need one of
those eclipse-watching things...
just to look directly at her,
she's so radiantly hot!
It makes me want to just
throw her down, you know...
and just-
You know what I mean?
Yeah.
I'm glad we can connect on that.
Later, pimp.
- Later.
- Rrr!
Hey, Matt...
Matt?
You... you all right?
- Unh!
- Oh! Oh!
- Oh, God. I am so sorry.
- it?s OK. it?s OK.
- Are you OK?
- Yeah, I'm fine.
Is there anything I can do
to make it better?
Um...
anything?
Again?
Another girl already?
- It?s not even the weekend.
- I know, I know.
She met someone.
Nicole's getting married.
I'm sorry.
I mean, what can I do?
- Tell me what I can do.
- I don't know what to tell you.
This isn't really a problem
I know much about.
Listen, isn't
part of the priestly thing...
giving relationship advice?
Relationship advice, yes.
Sex advice, no.
Part of the priestly thing,
and stop calling it that...
is not to have sex, remember?
It?s funny.
I didn't say a thing about sex.
- Sure you did.
- No, I didn't.
I guess thinking about sex
is part of the priestly thing.
At least for some.
- Get out.
- Fine.
- Good morning, Matt.
- Morning, father.
What's with the purple banners?
Lent. Starts today.
Going to be a long forty days
this year.
I'm giving up my one vice...
those precious little
Madeleine cookies...
dipped in a starbucks mocha.
It's so hard giving up
what you love the most.
I've got it! Jesus Christ,
John, I've got an answer!
And the question is?
- Nicole.
- Again?
No sex for Lent...
for forty days.
If I can do that,
then everything will be OK.
That isn't what Lent is.
Lent is about sacrifice
and growth through self-denial.
Lent is to remember...
How Christ felt
during the fast in the desert.
I grew up in the same house
as you, moron.
But when it comes down to it,
that's exactly what this is.
This is growth,
this is self-denial...
and this is sacrifice.
Dude!
It's not that simple, Matt.
Trust me.
It is that...
You're right.
You're totally right.
Sex alone is not enough.
It has to be sex
and all things sex-like.
You'll never be able to do that.
Just listen, here's the plan.
One... no sex.
Two...
no sexual intimacy of any kind.
No nibbling, no biting,
no scratching.
No sucking, no fondling.
None of that.
And three...
no masturbation.
You won't last a week.
Oh, you're wrong, brother.
I'm gonna go the distance.
Mmm #
# Then I was grown
to be a man #
# Grown to be a man #
# And the devil
would call my name #
# Grown to be a man #
# I said, "Who do"#
# "Who do you think
you're foolin'?"#
# Grown to be a man #
# I can snatch
a little purity #
# My mama loved me #
# She loved me #
# She got down on her knees
and hugged me #
# And she loved me
like a rock #
# Whoa, yeah #
# Rocked me like the rock
of ages and loved me #
# She loved me, loved me,
loved me #
# Loved me like a rock #
# My mama loves me #
# Loves me like a rock #
Your brother looks happy.
He's just taken
a vow of celibacy.
Oh.
Oh, dear.
# Live, baby, live #
# Now that the day is over #
# I got a new sensation #
# In perfect moments #
# So impossible to refuse #
# Sleep, baby, sleep #
# Now that the night is over #
# And the sun comes
like a God #
# Into our room #
Whoo. Dude.
# All perfect light
and prom... #
Dude.
What the fuck is that?
This is a 1966
Karmann Ghia coupe.
When I'm finished with that,
I'm gonna do...
the Caterham super seven
cycle-fender special.
We're going out tonight.
There's this club...
Remember that Australian
chick... Jennifer Moss?
She's got friends visiting
from Sydney.
Can't. I have laundry.
Do you know why they call it
down under, Matt?
I still can't.
Do you realize how much time
we waste thinking about girls?
You want some alone time in
the apartment for jerking off.
That's cool.
I can do that. That's cool.
I'll tell 'em you said hi.
Ohh.
Do you have change
for two dollars?
Excuse me.
I forgot something to read.
Do you mind if I borrow this?
Thanks.
A lovers' rendezvous.
You... you underline words
that you don't know...
and then look them up later?
Right?
And you underlined "tryst"...
which is a meeting of lovers.
I do that, too, so...
Matt?
It was on the cover
of the magazine.
Can I borrow
a sheet of fabric softener?
Thanks.
It's been really fun
almost chatting with you.
Same time next week?
OK. Bye.
You are way ahead of schedule.
If I were you, I'd give me
something else to do quick.
What about
the Willow and Smart account?
Think you can handle that?
I know window treatments
aren't the sexiest...
Oh, no, no.
Doesn't bother me at all.
Good. You'll be designing
the entire webpage.
OK.
Hey, Ryan.
What's happening?
# Turn off the lights #
Do you know
how many hours I spent...
Iooking for
my Temple of Poon tape?
One. That's a long time
to be looking for porn, Matt.
What the fuck is going on here?
One... you can't do it.
You can't. This isn't
a personal attack towards you.
No man can do it.
It goes against nature.
The male was biologically
designed to spread his seed.
You're gonna piss off
the seeds, man!
You're gonna...
It goes against science!
You want to be the guy
who goes against science?
And two?
Two... are you
out of your fucking mind?
You're the guy
who can't finish a sandwich!
You think you can go
forty days?
Four... You...
This isn't normal!
- She got engaged, Ryan.
Nicole got engaged.
Well...
I knew that. I knew that.
l... I didn't tell you...
just because I thought
you'd get pissed off.
I'm sorry.
I should have told you.
I had to hear it
from the bagel guy!
- Does that guy know everything?
- You should have told me!
I know that. I completely
should have told you.
I'm sorry. Just explain this
to me, though, all right?
Nicole gets engaged, you decide
to take a vow of abstinence.
Haven't you gotten to the point
where you need to take a break?
Yes! Look, Matt,
I swear off girls once a week.
Then, before you know it,
it's morning.
That's part of the game.
Did your brother put you
up to this or something?
You know what? He's about
as supportive as you are.
What do you care anyway? This
doesn't affect you in any way.
You...
This affects everyone.
Right now,
the pot is at two hundred.
It's a minimum bet of $50
a day, which goes into the pot.
If your day's the day, you win
the pot, less expenses...
and a bottle of champagne.
If more than one person
bets on the winning day...
they split the pot
according to the percentage...
of the day's total bets
that have been placed.
I go forty days without sex
all the time.
But, dude, you spank it.
- No jerkin' off?
- True.
Yeah. That's why
my money's on today.
There are two things
to bet on...
one...
will it be with some girl?
Two... will it be some lonely
night down the stretch? Pbbt.
How will we know that, exactly?
Well, I can't tell you
everything...
but I can tell you that
there is somebody on the inside.
Yep. Like Ryan.
OK, so Matt
doesn't know anything?
No, no, no, no.
That is very important... key.
This is great.
I mean, this is crazy great.
Everything is so much simpler
when there's no sex involved.
I think this is the best thing
that's ever happened to me.
You're starting to feel it,
aren't you?
What?
The abstinence... it's starting
to get under your skin.
No. Not at all. I'm fine.
You know what I gave up
for Lent?
Meat. Why don't you try
something like that?
Trust me.
Celibacy takes years...
of commitment, character,
and discipline...
which, quite frankly,
are not your best traits.
You think you're the only one
with a little willpower?
A little willpower?
If you can do this,
I can do this.
You have no idea.
What is so hard
about forty days?
They're guys.
To them, forty minutes
is like an eternity.
They're like animals.
Their entire lives
revolve around their penises.
How many days
do you think he'll last?
Days?
Mm-mmm, girl. Watch this.
Uh-oh.
You are so bad.
- Hi.
- Hi.
Did you, um, do these layouts?
I helped on them, kind of.
These are amazing.
Thanks.
You're like this
totally amazing layout guy.
Something's happening.
Behind me.
- OK, come here.
- Oh, no.
Hey, I have
a big layout problem.
You do?
Can you keep a secret?
Yeah.
Oh, goodness.
I have this tattoo
of a butterfly...
on the inside of my thigh.
Yes, you do.
And I want to get
something on the other side...
but, um, I don't know
what to get.
Any ideas?
I don't know.
I was thinking about...
like a cute little pussycat
or something.
Do you like pussy... cats, Matt?
Yeah.
'Cause if you're not
doing anything later...
you should come over
and help me pick one out.
I can't.
I mean, we can't...
because pussycats
are mean to butterflies.
They don't like them.
They dislike them very much...
and hit them with their paws...
and it hurts
the little butterfly.
- Right.
- Yeah.
Well, OK,
if you change your mind...
Did she just Xerox her ass?
- What?
- Get off me!
Give me a call, OK?
This is a photocopy
of Candy's ass?
Yep.
You're gonna call her, right?
Obviously,
you're gonna call her.
No.
I'm not gonna call her.
Ha ha! As soon as you don't
want it, they can smell it.
She photocopied her ass.
She photocopied her own ass.
You're doing a lot of laundry
lately.
Didn't you just do it
last week?
Just keeping it clean.
Who is she?
Look, I'm not gonna
sit in my room...
and build models
for the next forty days.
- Oh, you like her!
- It's... it's not that.
No, no, no! Have a nice time.
# Basically probability #
# Says that things
gonna start with me #
# It's been so long #
# On my shelf #
# Train comes,
I don't know its destination #
# It's a one-way ticket
to a bad, bad situation #
Busted.
# Train comes,
I don't know... #
- Yeah.
I thought I should tell you
I can speak just fine.
They were all out of flowers.
Yeah. That's cute.
I'm Matt. Officially.
Officially Matt.
Officially Erica.
Officially.
So, you normally do
your laundry on Friday nights?
- Yeah. It's my new thing.
- New thing?
Well, there was a party...
Don't you ever feel like
you just keep meeting...
the same exact people
over and over?
Like people that went
to this kind of college...
And now work
that kind of job, right?
Yeah.
I want to have a party
with a list at the door...
of all my friends
and friends of friends...
and if you're on that list...
or you know somebody
on that list...
then you cannot come in.
How do you know
I'm not on that list?
Nobody on that list
would have talked to me...
like you did last week.
Or not talked to me.
Fair enough, fair enough.
So, what do you do
for laundry money?
I'm a cyber nanny.
What... what's that?
I spend all day looking
for pornography on the web.
All right, say you have
a ten-year-old kid...
with an iMac and a browser, and
she searches "Girlfriends"...
and then gets
lesbian mud wrestling.
- Probably not the best thing.
- But you can't avoid it.
Like today,
I ran a search for "sandbox"...
and got "eat my box"...
"Sandy's hot box"...
and my favorite,
"vagina beach."
My job is to find the site
and block it out.
So, you have to look at
these sex sites all day long?
Yeah. All day.
Drive you crazy after a while?
Yeah.
Some days I think...
that if I have to look
at another blowjob I'll scream.
God, yes.
Same thing happens to me.
What, you're going
on a date with her?
What, you're going
on a date with her?
Isn't that kind of getting
in the way of your thing?
- No, not at all.
- So you're not into her?
Oh, I'm totally into her.
So how can you
not want to fuck her?
Listen, you haven't heard
a word I said.
It's perfect the way it is,
and she's amazing...
and we are
totally connecting...
and it's not a sexual thing,
not for either of us.
Dude, you've got to tell her.
Seriously.
You can pass off two dates
without a kiss as old-fashioned.
You go three,
and you're a homo.
Yeah, yeah, I can see that.
Just got off the phone
with the guy.
There's a preliminary report...
a date happening on Thursday.
- What? Different girl?
- Same girl. Different date.
He is taking her on... the bus.
On the bus where?
Nowhere. That's the point.
He just gets on the bus
and goes around.
Mmm.
If you want to get laid...
you take a chick
to a fancy restaurant.
But if you really like her...
you take her
to your secret place.
That's the bus for Matt.
Yeah.
Mine's the post office.
I don't understand.
So he's gonna get laid?
- Why ask me questions?
- I'll take Thursday.
I like to take girls there,
and I say, "Let's go postal."
- Shut up!
- Shut up!
Are you gonna be OK
with this guy?
Yeah. He's great.
- I'll be waiting up for you.
- No, you won't.
Oh, really?
If I bring this guy home
tonight...
you better make yourself scarce,
and I'm not joking, Sam.
- OK. Bye.
- Bye.
# I remember when I found out
about chemistry #
# It was a long, long way
from here #
# I was old enough
to want it #
# But younger
than I wanted to be #
# Suddenly,
my mission was clear #
# So for a while
I conducted experiments #
# And I was amazed
by the things I learned #
# From the fine, fine girls #
# Nothing but
good intentions #
# And a bad tendency
to get burned #
# Ahh, all about chemistry #
# Won't you show me
everything you know? #
# Ahh,
wonder what you'd do to me #
- There you go!
- Ha! All right!
Hmm. Told you.
So, did any other guys
ever take you on a bus?
Well, there...
there was a guy
who got us kicked off a bus...
and another guy
who tried to steal a bus...
and then the most recent guy
I dated...
went through a phase where he
actually thought he was a bus.
Where do you find guys
like that?
I don't. I don't.
They just...
They always find me.
They always find me.
What about you? Any criminal
records, addictions...
or weird little secrets
I should know about right now?
No.
Yeah. I didn't think so.
You're pretty up-front
about yourself.
I have no reason
not to be honest, I guess.
Yeah. It always catches up
to you if you're not.
Yeah.
That's the way it is with me.
I mean, was with me.
Back in my more youthful,
wasted, younger days.
This is me.
I've never had so much fun
on a bus before.
Me, too.
Good night.
Good night.
I'll... Unh! Whoa! Aah!
- Ow.
- W-watch that.
- I'll talk to you soon, OK?
- OK.
Very soon. Like tomorrow.
I'll give you a call.
- Great.
- Bye!
Bye.
- Like, a high five?
- No. More like a "Gimme five."
He's got a girlfriend.
Some guys are just different
about this stuff, you know.
Mm-hmm. Gay is different
to some people.
Well, I trust him.
That means a lot.
Is this anything like
the last guy you trusted...
who stole half your jewelry
and sold it on eBay?
Apparently, speed
is a very expensive drug, Sam.
Dude, you are so gone.
No, I love hanging out
with him. He's amazing.
I'm treated like an equal,
and we're connecting...
- It sucks, doesn't it?
- Yeah, it does.
It totally sucks.
Why doesn't he just
want to have sex with me?
So, how did it go last night,
champ?
What?
With your date.
Did you hit that or what?
What... what...
- What are you talking about?
Nothing.
Whoo. That was weird.
No more drugs pour moi.
What the fuck is going on?
You guys put up
a web page about me?
Web page? Please.
Be more insulting, man.
This is a complicated
betting pool.
You guys can't make this public.
This is not something that
I want everyone to know about.
It's a little too late, dude.
Today's bets. Originally,
the spread favored day 26...
but with all the dating action
in Mattland these days...
I'm gonna recommend day 23.
Someone just placed
another bet.
I had one come in all the way
from Bangladesh.
Little Haji
just loves to roll the dice.
You guys have advertisers?
A friend of mine
started up a business...
and I gave him a good price.
A porn site!
Oh, shit!
# You fell down #
# Dropped it in water #
Hey! You know where
Erica Sutton is?
- Yeah. She's...
- Where?
You're that guy.
The abstinence guy.
Hey, it's the abstinence guy!
What is this, some kind
of a bet not to sleep with me?
No, this isn't a bet.
Let me explain.
Don't explain.
You don't have to.
I just read about it
over the fucking internet.
Erica! Erica, I should have
told you about this.
I thought you'd think
I was a freak. I'm sorry.
I can't believe the load of
bullshit that you fed to me...
about telling the damn truth.
l... I did this for myself.
I didn't think anybody else
knew about it. I swear to God.
Plus, if I told you,
you'd think I was a sex addict.
- Are you?
- No!
Then what is the point?
What is the point
of this whole thing?
I just wanted to see
what it would be like...
without all the shit
that sex brings to the picture.
Oh, so I'm like
some science experiment?
No! l... Look, I was going
through a really rough time...
and I just wanted to stop.
I wanted to stop
thinking about sex.
Not that I was thinking
about sex all the time...
I just wanted to stop.
And the thing is, it's working.
It's really working.
I'm glad it's working
for one of us.
You stupid, stupid,
silly little person!
Why did you have to go
and tell everyone?
Look, if you're so ashamed,
maybe you shouldn't be doing it.
I'm not ashamed!
I'm embarrassed!
Then quit, Matt. Just quit.
Nobody thinks
you'll finish this thing.
I'm not fucking quitting.
Everything was going great
until you had to...
I stopped having sex...
I'm totally
falling for Erica...
and I'm finally over Nicole.
You really think
you're over her?
Fuck, yeah! Bitch.
Hmm. I ran into her
and her fianc? last night.
What was he like?
He... he parties
with a friend of mine.
Apparently, the dude
works late every night.
That's what I heard.
So?
He works late every night...
a different girl every night.
Not that
it should matter to you.
No.
Why would it matter to me?
Yeah.
My wife and I have
been married for eight years.
I love her very much.
I... consider myself
a lucky person.
That being said...
this woman...
does not put out at all.
I mean, at all.
I mean, we used to have sex
everywhere.
We used to have sex
in this office.
We had sex on this floor.
We had sex on this desk.
- On that chair.
- OK. I get it, I get it.
But now, I have
to practically beg for it.
I mean, it was kind of hot
for the first eight months.
The chasing after her...
surprising her
with my sexy new underwear.
But now,
I feel a little like a...
like I'm a pervert.
I heard about the vow...
and I think it's genius.
Thanks.
I mean, this is
the perfect way for me...
to regain the power
in my relationship.
See, I take the vow.
I tell her I'm gonna do without
for a few months.
I bet in half the time she's
going to be begging for it.
Don't you think?
What do you think?
I think you don't know what
you're getting yourself into.
Hey, put that away. Books
get you in trouble around here.
- I can't work right now.
- So go home.
- I need the money.
- So work.
It all reminds me of Matt.
Even "donkey lovers"?
Call him or leave.
You're bugging me.
# A strange condition #
# A daily prison #
# You've got me
out of my head #
# And I don't know
what I came for #
# Send me money, baby #
# Do not leave out a wage #
# You know
you're the best thing #
# In the corner
of this place #
# And I want you to know #
- How's the chicken?
- Good.
# This strange condition #
Why is this so weird?
If I told you, "Don't think
about the color red..."
what would you think about?
Sex.
OK, so we're both sitting here
thinking about sex...
because
we can't think about sex...
because
we can't talk about sex...
and we certainly cannot
have sex.
It's like,
so what are we doing here?
You know, if I didn't have
this vow thing...
I'd kiss you right now.
- Thanks.
- Thanks.
You OK?
I'm fine.
- Are you sure?
- I'll be right back.
- Are you...
- Yeah.
Sir! Sir!
Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa!
Aah!
- Aah! Aah!
Oh! Aah! I'm OK.
Thank you. Thank you.
I'm OK. Thank you.
- Matt.
- I'm OK.
Hi.
Nicole. How are you?
Well, better than you
at the moment.
- Yeah. Yeah.
This is, um, this is...
This is Erica.
Nicole.
David Brokaw. Hi.
I'm Matt. I'm Matt.
Oh, yes. Yes, of course.
Matt, you work at one
of those dot coms, don't you?
Yes. Yes, I do.
David's the youngest
executive vice president...
at Morgan Stanley.
Yeah, well, I'm the youngest...
Yeah, hey,
It's all good, Matt.
Listen, honey, you want
to give it one more try?
It's good to see you.
Yeah, you, too.
Bye.
She's the real reason
you took that vow.
No.
She's just an ex.
The vow is something
completely separate from her.
You're a really bad liar.
I get that a lot.
Look, I know I should've
told you about her.
Yeah, you should've.
But I guess it's hard for you
to get the truth out.
Shit.
Hey, how about I quit the vow?
I mean, honestly,
I don't care about the vow.
Oh, sure, now
St. Matt wants a piece.
- No, that's not it at all.
- You don't want me?
No, of course I want you.
It's just...
I care about the vow, and...
- You do?
- Yeah, I do.
And her?
I don't know.
I'll tell you what.
You want me?
Yeah.
Then finish your stupid vow.
And if you finish it...
then maybe we can talk
about being together. Maybe.
I've given up sex,
because I just...
I just want to connect
with people on a deeper level.
- Really?
- Yeah.
Is it working?
Working?
Of course it's working!
It's like this incredible high.
Can you not feel that?
Just sitting here
talking with you...
I'm mind orgasmic right now.
Mind orgasmic.
Yeah.
Hmm.
Oh, God Ohh
We need to talk.
I can't. I gotta go.
l... I understand
what you're doing, Matt.
- You do?
- Mm-hmm.
Women have been doing this
since, well, forever...
so we know all about the power.
See, us having the power,
that's part of the system...
and by you taking the power,
you're fucking with the system.
And I think you see why
we can't let that happen.
You bet on today.
This is about money.
Ah-ah. Signed and
notarized commitment...
to donate all proceeds
to charity.
So you want to have sex with me
to regain "the power"?
We're willing to do
whatever is necessary...
to get the job done.
Why do you keep saying "we"?
Oh, fuck.
Now, we think that this offer
is more than fair.
Can I talk to you for a second?
- Excuse me. What?
- I don't think I can do this.
Andie, we talked about this
already, OK?
I know, but just look at him.
I mean, he used to be
kind of cute...
but now he's just twitchy.
Shh. It'll be over
in, like, two seconds, OK?
Would you care to join us, hmm?
Mmm.
Oh, God. Not the tongues.
Oh, my God. I gotta go.
Yesterday was fine.
I mean, physically speaking,
I was fine.
But today... I'm not fine.
This morning
at the coffee shop...
they were sponsoring
hot women wearing no bras day.
Whoo.
Hot, hot women wearing no bras?
I mean, like hot, hot women.
There were 48 breasts at
the Cafe Trieste this morning.
# Take a look at me #
I know this phase. It passes.
But why does this
have to happen now?
I mean, yesterday Erica tells
me I have to finish the vow...
and today I'm slammed by sex.
Why?
- Look, you've gone 26 days?
- Mm-hmm.
- That's very admirable.
- Yeah, thanks.
But you can't come
to mom and dad's tonight.
If I don't go, they'll kill me.
You don't want them
to see you like this.
I don't want me
to see me like this...
but if there's one place
I'm safe it's at home, right?
- Mmm.
- Right?
From thy bounty,
through Christ, our lord. Amen.
So, dad, when your hip heals,
will it be like normal?
Yeah, pretty much.
I can golf, ride a bike.
He just has to be careful.
It's amazing
the things you can do now.
You know, I'm part
of a pilot program...
that's tracking
my range of motion.
Really?
Oh, they don't want
to hear about that.
No, no. They want
to see what effect...
the operation's
had on my sex life.
Sorry.
Do we have to talk about this
at dinner?
Bev, we're all adults
here, aren't we?
Isn't sex a God-given
natural part of life?
Don't start, dad.
Why not talk about it? I think
a good sexual appetite...
is a real, normal,
healthy part of being a man.
And a woman.
Who wants more beans?
I do.
They're grown men.
They're old enough to know...
that their mother's machine
is still running hot.
Walter, this isn't the moment.
Oh, no.
Let me show you people.
See...
they sent me this sheet.
A whole bunch
of different positions on it.
I just check off
the ones I can do...
like this one here.
I can do that,
so I check the box.
Hey, here's an old standby.
But, see, I can't do that
because of my hip...
so, you know,
I don't check the box.
Bev, have we ever
tried this before?
Walter, how could you forget
the Maui Hilton?
In the shower.
I nearly killed myself.
Yes.
Damn it.
Surprise inspection.
What the hell is that thing?
It's a special light
that allows me to see...
if any fluids
have been liberated.
Keep up the good work.
Hmm.
Mmm.
Ohh. These are good.
Is...
Is he twisting her nipple?
Jeez, that's an oversight.
I'll fix that.
I know what you mean. I've been
surfing for porn all week.
- What am I doing wrong?
- Huh?
I mean, not only is my wife
not begging for it...
she's not...
I've never seen her so happy.
And today. Did you see it's
the warmest day of the year?
Yeah, it's spring.
It's spring, Goddamn it...
and they're... look at 'em.
They're all wearing...
their little summer dresses.
Just...
Hmm?
What am I supposed to do now,
vow boy, huh?
Fix this.
Damn it!
Come on.
- What's up, dog?
- Hey, what's up, dog?
- What are you doing?
- Just, uh, freshenin' up.
I'm tired of waiting
for things to happen.
And my money's on today.
Yeah, that's great.
So what the fuck is that?
This is what the American
Medical Association...
refers to as... Viagra.
Well, I'm not gonna
let you do that, bro.
Well, you can be bought... bro.
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
Ohh.
Who's that? What's that?
Oh, God, that's that new girl
in tech support.
Did you know
that regular ejaculation...
is a preventative
against prostate cancer?
So, is it that
you hate your penis?
Because, I mean, I personally
feel like that's...
God, that's one of the best
relationships I have.
Why do you think they call it
the little head?
I'll tell you why.
Because he has ideas.
l...
- Nice going, dumb ass.
- What?
Hey, Jerry.
Chow mein. New girl in tech.
Very hot.
Ah... ah... ah. Mmm.
Ahh. This tastes funny.
Not bad,
just, you know, funny.
Ohh. Mmm.
Hey, Jerry.
Oh.
Ohh.
l... Excuse me.
I have to get...
- Uh...
- Do you need this?
- No.
l... I'm so thirsty.
- Are you OK?
- Mm-hmm.
Captain Blueballs.
Been looking for you
since lunch.
I was just, uh-
maintaining these...
Yeah.
Matt, look at yourself.
Your life is shit.
You're hiding out
In a fuckin' storage room.
OK, here's how it's gonna go.
You've already won.
You've already
proven everyone wrong.
Now it's serious.
The pot's
up to eighteen thousand.
That's a lot of money,
isn't it?
- It's your vow.
It should be your money.
So I'm gonna split it with you.
That's right.
And all you have to do
is take the dive.
Think about it...
nine thousand dollars.
Nine large.
Just take this.
Uh-oh. You like her.
Now we're talkin'.
- She's something, isn't she?
Take her into the bathroom
and get on with your life.
Yes. Yes.
# Ah #
No, no, no. No, no.
He can't do this.
I want to talk to him.
Matt, don't do it!
We need you, Matt
Matt, don't do it
Think about the little guy,
Matt
Don't think about that
Think about me
- Huh? Think about me!
- Matt!
No, no, no, no.
Get out of here!
Get out of here!
Matt, this is important!
I'm going to go in there.
- I will throw down.
- Come on!
Yeah. Fire in the hole.
I'm going to give you
until the count of three.
Let's rock and roll.
Aah!
You understand
why I had to do that?
Aah. Ahh...
- Jerry?
Uh, Jerry's not here right now.
May I take a message?
What about the vow, Jerry?
I tried. l... I didn't...
I tried. I really...
It just... it just hit me
all at once.
I mean, I've jerked off
three times since lunch.
I still have
this fucking hard-on.
Way to go, Mr. Anderson.
Two more, and you break
the company record.
- Oh.
- Aw.
Boo.
What?
All right.
This is ridiculous.
- I am going in.
Ahh. Uhh.
Where is Matt?
Um...
Heh.
Well, I don't know.
He didn't do it.
- Yeah!
Hi.
I know
I shouldn't be here...
but I've been thinking
about you a lot...
and I had to see you.
What are those,
like some kind of a bribe?
More like... gentle persuasion.
Is this going to get
worse before it gets better?
Probably, but I got
to get this out...
before I lose
my train of thought.
See...
Nicole had this...
special status.
More like a special power.
And I couldn't match it...
and I couldn't find anybody
to replace it.
- I think I get it.
- You do?
It's very easy to confuse
a physical attraction...
with a real connection.
Yeah.
Sometimes you just can't tell.
Well, you can tell.
You can tell by the kiss.
You know, the other stuff...
the sex, "Is he hot?"
It doesn't matter.
All that matters is the kiss.
How do you know about me?
I don't.
I don't even know
If you can feel that.
I can feel that.
Is this against the rules?
I'll let you be
the judge of that.
- I'm thinking now.
- I'm thinking now, too.
Come here.
# I wanna walk beside you #
# Nowhere
that I have ever been #
# And all the dreams
inside you #
# I am the one
you have not seen #
# I feel immune #
# By my own mind #
# I can't refuse #
# An offer to make love #
# To you #
# How come your words
affect me #
Ooh.
# I have not wanted #
# To be allowed #
# And yet
I made you set free #
# With all the meaning
was the sound #
# In your refrain #
# I hear the chords #
# Of love in vain #
Ohh.
# How can I help #
# Calling your name? #
I wasn't supposed
to do that, was I?
Huh? Huh?
Mmm.
Good night, sweetie.
Oh, no. Don't go to sleep yet,
because...
we should talk about something.
- Mm-hmm.
- We could talk about anything.
We could talk about...
we could talk about stickers.
Do you like stickers?
Erica?
Matt, what are you doing?
The Willow and Smart people
are here.
We're late
for the presentation. Come on.
- Oh, my...
- What the...
Hi. Sorry I'm late.
- Miss Willow.
- Ohh.
Uhh.
Come on over here
for a second. Um...
Want some camomile tea?
I think little Mattie
is trying to say hello.
Oh, Jesus.
You might want to try
some tightly-whiteys, jeans.
- You, go home. Now.
- OK.
So, shall we get it on?
Start?
From a flower?
Like, a vibrating flower?
No. No, just a flower.
And he didn't touch you once?
He didn't even try
to touch you?
No, and I so wanted him to...
but what we were doing
was so perfect.
Oh, yeah, perfect...
the immaculate orgasm.
- Yes.
- You are unbelievable.
# Yeah, yeah, yeah #
# We have a space to share #
Erica.
# What I'm gonna do
with today #
Coming.
Hey, baby.
Oh, that's sweet.
I really needed to hear that.
Oh, God, I must look awful.
Yeah.
Well, you don't look so great.
It's a long story. What are you
doing here, Nicole?
I just...
needed to talk to someone.
Where's David?
I don't know.
At the office, probably.
Working late?
We broke it off. It's over.
Or he broke it off,
I don't know.
I made the commitment...
but I guess he wasn't
too committed to it.
I'm sorry.
How's...
Emily?
Her name's Erica.
Good.
You never think about me
anymore?
Not even just a little?
Let me put it this way.
I have thought about you...
about us... a lot.
But tonight,
when you came in...
was the first time I didn't get
all fucked up about it.
I think we could get you
fucked up about it again.
Hey.
Maybe you should go, hmm?
Mmm, I think your little friend
here wants me to stay.
Yeah, well, my little friend's
not in charge anymore...
so maybe you should go.
You're saying no to me?
You always do this to me...
and I'm the idiot
because I keep coming back...
but I'm not coming back
anymore.
You take everything from me.
That is so not true.
Oh, yeah? Name me one thing
that you ever gave me.
l... I gave you
The Bridges of Madison County...
you ungrateful asshole.
I never told you this. I didn't
want to hurt your feelings.
That was the biggest piece
of trash I ever tried to read.
You pig.
Matt, I am so... so mad
that I have...
I have to tell you.
Watching you standing up
for yourself like this...
has never made me so...
so...
hot.
I like this.
Where have you been?
You can slam that door
in my face if you want...
but I'll just be
on the other side, even hotter.
Holy hell.
Slam that door
in my dirty, bad, bad face.
Oh, God, Matt, slam it!
Aah!
Will you just
think about it, OK?
The dude was in the john
with a dirty mag.
If that's me,
I'm painting the ceiling.
Who does this Matt guy
think he is, anyways?
He's jerking us around.
How do we know this is real?
If you just go to Big Window,
look at the dude's face.
You would know. It's for real.
Merj, how many times
have I been wrong?
Pfft.
Stupid monkey-ass moron.
Why don't you quit
wasting my time over here?
Hey, bagel guy.
You know my name?
She says to me,
"You look like Lionel Richie."
Well, that's great, isn't it?
No, that's not great.
That's not good.
Are you Chris?
- No, but I can be.
- Chris would be me.
Excuse me.
I need to place a bet.
Can you deal with this?
- Yeah, sure.
- Good.
The thing is,
it's a sucker bet.
It's going to be over
in twenty four hours.
32 hours, 12 minutes,
and 26 seconds.
Thanks.
Plus, Matt
has this whole, uh...
you know, midnight madness
thing mapped out and...
His friend is coming over
at the stroke of midnight.
You get it?
The stroke of midnight?
Thanks, buddy.
So, you'll take it?
Sure.
Thank you.
- Aw...
- Uhh.
# I close my eyes
when I get too sad #
# I think thoughts
that I know are bad #
# Close my eyes,
and I count to ten #
# Hope it's over
when I open them #
# I want the things
that I had before #
# Like a Star Wars poster
on the bedroom door #
# I wish I could
count to ten #
Ohh! Ohh!
# Make everything
be wonderful again #
Ohh! Ohh! Aah!
# We'll sit around
while they get some air #
# I hear them scream,
I hear them fight #
# They say bad words
that make me want to cry #
# I close my eyes
when I go to bed #
She's filled
with heavenly sweetness.
# I'll feel better
when I hear them say #
I somehow don't think
Mr. Butterworth...
would appreciate that
very much.
# Why must this mean
everything #
# When you're little,
and the world's so big #
# I just don't
understand how #
# You can smile with
all those tears in your eyes #
# Tell me
everything is wonderful now #
# No #
# Na na na na na na na #
# No, I don't wanna hear you
tell me #
Excuse me, is this taken?
No.
# That I will understand
some day #
# No, no, no #
# No, no, no, no #
# Someday,
If I hate everything #
# Please don't tell me #
# Everything
Is wonderful now #
# Na na na na na na na #
# Na na na na na na na #
# No #
Aah!
# Everything
Is wonderful now #
- You got to help me.
- You got to knock.
I'm seeing things.
I swear to God,
everywhere I look...
I'm seeing tits and ass.
When I came in here, I swear
to God, I saw you kissing a nun.
Oh, my God!
You were kissing a nun!
I'm slipping, Matt.
I've already slipped.
- It's your stories.
- This is my fault?
No, it's mine.
It's been bubbling
under the surface...
for a long time now.
I'm leaving the seminary
for a little while.
What?
It's just a sabbatical.
If I come back...
When I come back,
it'll be for good.
So, you can't help me?
You're on your own, little man.
Ahh.
Well, welcome
to the cathedral of ill repute.
Merci, monsieur.
Um, make yourself comfortable.
Bien sur.
I almost fucked
an outlet today.
You, uh...
Since when do you smoke, Matt?
- Since today.
- Jesus.
Is this him?
Yep. That's our boy.
You've started
a whole new movement.
Megatonchism...
sex without orgasms ever.
You like to party?
Can I borrow your handcuffs?
If my hand is free, I'm
bound to do anything with it.
Anything.
How much did you drink, Matt?
God's spirit made Jesus
go to the desert.
He was there for forty days
while Satan tested him.
He was living
with the wild animals...
but angels took care of him.
Mark 1:12.
I look like Jesus on the cross.
- Yes, you do.
- Yep.
You do.
So, what about
your late night visitor?
Leave the front door
open a little bit...
and put that key right there.
When she comes,
I'll tell her...
I was accosted
by home invaders...
and they tied me up.
OK, champ. Anastasia and I
are going to leave now...
so... you should sleep.
Think about the angels.
Peace be with you.
He is a little weird,
but it is Easter.
I feel like
it's my first time.
It is, isn't it?
You are going to be great.
It's going to be great.
Ha!
Haah!
Whoal
Aahl
Uhh
Show me you can do it.
You can do it, Matt.
Show me you can do it.
Ohh.
You can do it, Matt.
You can do it.
You can...
Ohh!
Oh, there we go.
- Doesn't that feel better?
- Ohh. Uhh.
Relax, baby.
It's over.
What? Why?
Why would you do this?
Well, this all started
because of me.
It only seems natural
that I should end it, huh?
Oh, here's your key.
I kept meaning to return it.
It turns out
the front door was open.
Are you expecting someone?
Oh, fuck.
- Uhh!
Oh, my...
I was asleep.
I thought she was you.
Ohh. Was it worth it?
Oh, come on, Erica, please.
Erica!
Erica!
Oh, shit.
# I see the fever #
# And I love her for that #
I'll say it was me. I'll say
I set the whole thing up.
I'll say that I handcuffed you
to the bed... which is true...
that I sent her over here.
She was here to see me.
No.
No? I'll tell her something
less idiotic, obviously, but...
No.
No more lies.
This doesn't seem like
one of those...
"truth will set you free"
situations.
No, it doesn't.
Hey.
Guess who dropped by.
He left hours ago.
He brought you this.
Personally,
I prefer the telegram...
but I did get to talk to him
for a little bit.
So?
I don't want to hear about it.
- OK.
- But now you're on his side?
Yeah, Erica.
He melted my heart.
He's a real mess about you.
It was a little pathetic.
That's not good enough.
Don't be stupid, Erica.
He's crazy about you.
What else do you want?
# She wouldn't let me,
and I love her for that #
# Ooh, oh #
# And though #
# You steal her #
# You love her
and deceive her #
# She did nothing #
# So wrong #
# So wrong #
# Oh #
Helps with static cling.
# And I love her for that #
Where's your laundry?
I've been here
every day this week.
All my laundry's clean.
I know I screwed up with you...
over and over and over.
It just took me a long time
to realize what I was doing.
Yes, it did.
I was trying to take a part
of me and make it go away.
And I closed my world off, and
I put myself in a little box.
And for a while,
everything seemed clear.
But then you came along...
and that didn't help anything.
Remember when you said
that you could never tell...
about someone
until you kiss them?
Well...
I screwed up.
l... I should've just done this.
Are you done talking now?
Thirty eight hours exactly.
- Son of a bitch.
- Damn it.
The pot's up to 140. Anybody
else want in on hour 39?
Hey, hey.
How do we even know that
they're still even in there?
They could've put the CD player
on repeat or shuffle.
- That's a good point.
- It is a good point...
because they could've
snuck out the back window...
and we're still sitting around
here like a bunch of chimps.
- Chimps.
- You know what? Look at me.
I've been here the whole time.
Believe it.
Oh, put me in for a tenner.
He'll keep going.
Two dollars, please.
- Uhh.
- Hey, Matt.
- What's up, Matt?
Hey, Matt.
All right, you guys. Come on,
get out. Get out of my house.
No, no. You know what?
Come on, come on.
Get out of my house.
I'll just take this.
Bye.
- Later, stud.
- See you later.
Thanks for the fish, Matt.
Looking good. How long
are you going to be in there?
- Let's go.
- Hey, I'm going.
Chris, I'm going to call you
tomorrow, all right?
- What are you doing?
- You, too.
- I don't have my keys on me.
- Good.
Wait, this is my house, dude.
Not for the next
twenty four hours, it's not.
And you all should be
ashamed of yourselves.
You're kidding.
Don't have sex on my bed.
He can't last in there
another 24 hours. He'll die.
How much you want to bet?
How much do I want to bet
that he'll actually die?
- I'll put ten bucks on it.
- Another ten.
I don't have a life.
# A little
sexual frustration #
# Combined with
lack of motivation #
# And a loss
of concentration #
# I got a strange disease #
# Two weeks ago #
# You said
you'd never leave me #
# And here I am alone #
# And in this world
of reckless happenstance #
# Why do good things
have to go away #
# And leave you with nothing #
# Yeah,
you left me with nothing #
# Ah ah ah ah #
# Ah #
# A strange disease #
# Wee-ooh, wee-ooh #
# Wee-ooh, wee-ooh #
# Wee-ooh, wee-ooh #
# Overemotional sensations #
# Sit by your
television stations #
# And unaffected
by locations #
# I got a strange disease #
# I can't seem
to get to sleep #
# I don't want
nothing to eat #
# Walking up and down
your street #
# I got a strange disease #
# Why did you have #
# To put
so much pressure on me? #
# You pushed my heart away #
# I didn't mean to scare you,
little one #
# Is there nothing
I can say? #
# Don't leave me
with nothing #
# Yeah, you left me
with nothing #
# Ah ah ah ah #
# Ah #
# And a strange disease #
# Wee-ooh, wee-ooh #
# Wee-ooh, wee-ooh #
# Wee-ooh, wee-ooh #
# Now I'm standing
in the rain #
# Water's soaking
through my brain #
# Every droplet
speaks your name #
# And it's driving me insane #
# I don't want to go to work,
my libido's gone berserk #
# I don't want
nothing to eat #
# Walkin' up and down
your street #
# But only two weeks ago #
# You said
you'd never leave me #
# Now here I am alone #
# And in this world
of reckless happenstance #
# Why do good things
have to go away #
# And leave you
with nothing #
# Yeah,
you left me with nothing #
# Ah ah ah ah #
# Ah #
# A strange disease #
# Wee-ooh, wee-ooh #