3, 2, 1... Frankie Go Boom (2012) - full transcript

Hey, Frankie, let's go have a picnic.

No, I don't trust you.

I got your favourite cupcakes.

Are they real this time?

Mom!

He's your brother! Your damn brother.

Get over here!

Where'd you get those cameras,
you little fuck?

Where'd you get those cameras?

Did you steal them?

Get back here, you little fucker,
I'm gonna kill you!



Mom. I can't talk.

You sound tense.

I'm not tense. I'm writing.
Can I call you back'?

No, no, no. It'll only take a second.
What're you writing?

What do you think I'm writing, Mom?

Writing books you never finish is
masturbation, Frank.

And I mean that with love,
so don't take it as an insult.

Anyway, there's a party on Friday
for your brother, and he wants you to come.

Mom, I don't see Bruce. I don't talk to Bruce.
You know it, he knows it.

It's been three years now! Get over it.

- Mom, I'm hanging up. I'll call you back.
- Let it go. He's off drugs.

He wanted it to be a surprise.
I know you two have your stuff,

and his counsellor said everyone has
to go through this on their own time.

But if you can come to his graduation thing,
I think you should.



Mom, I just don't think it's a good idea.
I'm really into this book.

And I just started a garden. Looks amazing.
But tell Bruce I'm proud of him.

No, you know what? I'll tell him myself.
I'll write him a letter.

My God. Would you really do that?
And when he finds out you're not coming

and he overdoses in a crack house,
we can read it at his funeral.

Fuck!

There you are! Bruce called.

All the other families are there.
I don't want to be late.

Chris, he's here!

Hi, Mom.

Come on, the "hi" was implied.

A lot of pictures of Bruce.

Bonnie Hubbard's son raped a girl
when he got out of rehab.

We want Bruce to feel loved.

- Sure.
- Chris!

I'm here. Stop yelling.

Why are you wearing the burgundy
when I suggested the blue?

What? You said red.

Tell your son it's time for him
to move back home.

What?

My people are Jewish. Moses led us out
of the desert. It is disrespectful to go back.

Would you please stop picking on him?
If what happened to him at his wedding

happened to you at your wedding,
you'd want to hide in the desert, too.

- Hi, Frankie.
- Hi, Dad.

- So now he's guilty?
- Guilty?

- Who said anything about him being guilty?
- You did!

- And you said it in your own words!
- He's traumatised.

And look at that! That is not a blue sweater,
that's a grey sweater.

We'll have to use your car.

What's wrong with yours?

We don't have cars right now.
Bruce stole them for drugs.

We said we wouldn't tell him!

Who said we wouldn't tell him?

I'm sorry, Bruce stole your cars
and sold them for drugs?

Why are you so hard on your brother?

Drug addiction is a disease. Would you be
mad at somebody because they got cancer?

If they stole my fucking car, I would.

Just don't mention it tonight.
Besides, the mopeds are fine.

They're all we could afford.

Apparently, the insurance company
doesn't consider it theft if it's family.

Hi, my name is Bruce,
and I am an addict and an alcoholic.

Thank you, thank you.

Today's a big day for me.
I've just come out of rehab.

And today I am 90 days sober.

Who's that woman?

Thank you, thank you.

Think I know her.

Thank you, thank you.

- Be quiet.
- Thank you, thank you.

My disease had left me
in a drug-induced sleep.

It was rough. But even then I had a dream.

Just like this guy. Just like old Marty King.
"I had a dream."

My slavery was not picking cotton,
or eating gumbo, or whatever.

But it was gin and it was cocaine.
And I have been released.

Thank you.

Today, I would like to thank Mom and Dad
and Frankie.

This is for you.

Thank you.

There they are!

There he is.

You look so pretty today.

There's my leading man!

Say something, Frankie!

Would you not do that, please?

I'm sorry. I've been waiting three months
to get this puppy back in my hands.

Bruce put his directing career on hold
while he was getting better.

They don't allow cameras in rehab.

Is that really Jack Knoll?

Yeah, I never told you...

Jack! Jack! Come over and meet my family.

Two seconds!

We might be doing a picture together.

With you directing?
Did you hear that? My God!

When did you become a director, Bruce?

Dude, I've been directing my whole life.

Don't you remember all those funny movies
you used to make when you were boys?

He tortured him. Bruce tortured him on film.

That's not true.

It's good to see you.
I haven't seen you since the wedding.

- Rishr.>
- Yup.

You're not still mad about that, are you?

Let's just forget about it, Bruce.

- Right. You don't wanna talk about it?
- Nope, not really.

It's just that I kind of wanted to talk about it.

Do you think it would be okay
just to keep this about now?

That's not a problem.

Jack Knoll. Isn't he that actor with all those
guns? Didn't he shoot somebody'?

Hey! Bruce, your old man's fucking
gossiping about me, man.

I'm just kidding, man. I'm just kidding.
I'm Jack. I love you people.

I just grazed him, didn't really hurt him.

Listen, your son, this man here,
saved my life.

If it hadn't been for him, I would've just
ripped my skull, right above my eyebrows,

just ripped it off
and taken my brains and smashed them out.

This man is a saint.

Those are sweet words. Thank you, Jack.

Bruce, are these your parents?
. Yes.

You must be so proud.

Dharma, this is my family.

Are you in show business?

Mom, this is Dharma D-Cup.
She's been, like, in a billion porn movies.

- Really?
- Yeah, but I'm done with all that.

I'm going to try and get into real acting.

I'm sure you'll be great.

Thanks.

You're a terrific actor.

What?

You. You have a talent.

You, the way you played that comedy.
It's so rare, so special.

You're a great actor.

Thank you. What is he talking about?

The short. The short, man. Superb.

- What short?
- My short.

The short that I shot at UCLA film school, bro.
Remember?

About the wedding.

Right. You showed them my wedding video?

You know what, it's not actually called
My Wedding Video any more.

It's called The Wedding Video
for copyright reasons.

Frank! Frank!

Frank, they didn't know it was real.
They thought that you were an actor.

Come on, it's not like a million people
haven't seen it already.

It wasn't a million people, Bruce.
It was 18 million people.

Okay, I shouldn't have shown it to Jack
without asking you first.

You think?

And I shouldn't have put it on the Internet.
That was a mistake!

Okay, Frank, I'm sorry!

Did you just say you were sorry?

I shouldn't have put your wedding tape
on the Internet.

I regret it. It was a long time ago.
I've been a shitty brother.

But I'm a different person now. I'm sober.
And I would like us to start again.

All right, fine.

I'm gonna cook you breakfast
before you go tomorrow.

See you tomorrow.

I love you, Frank!

Hey, hey, watch it!

- Why aren't you in a car?
- What?

This is LA. Nobody walks here.

Take a little bit of advice
and learn the lay of the land.

Yeah, well, let me give you some advice.
There's a rehab back there.

Are you trying to say I'm an alcoholic?

Because that is ridiculous.

Alcoholics don't even ride bicycles, buddy.

They drive in a car.
So you are that, you are an alcoholic.

Lady, are you okay?

Hey.

Great.

Lady.

Hey.

Fuck!

Where am I?

- In a parking lot.
- Why am I in a parking lot?

You passed out.

So you stayed with me?

Yeah.

Okay.
Tell me where you live and I'll take you home.

I don't know where I live any more.

I went home today. And my fiancé,
I dressed like this to surprise him.

And then I get home and he was there.
And he was playing tag.

Tag?

Naked tag. With the guy who cleans the pool.

The pool boy, I guess.

And he's like, "Babe, what do you mean,
you haven't heard of naked tag before?"

"You haven't heard of it?" And I'm like, "No!
I haven't heard of it.

"Because it's not even a game, and I'm not
an idiot, so stop saying that it's a game."

He's like, "Babe, I have an erection!
But it's only because I'm super-competitive!"

And I'm like, "Who's competitive in tag?"

"Have you ever even heard of anyone
who's competitive in tag? No!"

"Because it's a game that you play
with your friends. It's a friendly game!"

- Fuck.
- Yeah, it's usually pretty friendly.

He gets me drunk and then he sits me down
and just tells me everything.

I'm sorry. God, I have no idea
why I'm laying all of this on you.

I don't even know you. I'm really sorry.

No. It's okay. Really.

I'm sorry.

I don't know what your plans are,
but do you maybe wanna go somewhere?

Yeah, you know. Let's go somewhere.

Sure. Okay.

Great.

Would you mind putting your seatbelt on?

It doesn't matter.
It doesn't matter if I live or die.

Okay...

Wait, no, wait, wait.
My parents are asleep in there.

There's a place in the back.

Shit, that's actually my brother's stuff.

I made this when I was a kid.

Cool.

So you don't live here?

No, no. I actually live in Death Valley.

And what do you do in Death Valley?

I've just been kind of camping out
and trying to write this novel, which is...

- Okay.
- Is that all right?

Um... Yeah, sure.

So what do you write about?

Revenge, mostly.

What is your name?

- Frank.
- Frank, I'm Lassie.

- Hi.
- Hi.

So, Frank, I was just wondering
if perhaps you could just want me tonight.

You can do, honestly,
whatever you want to me.

Like, really, pretty much anything.

- Okay, Lassie?
- Huh.

Could we maybe kiss first?

Yeah. Yeah.

Okay...

- What's the matter?
- What? What?

You're not hard. What's wrong?
Am I doing something wrong?

No. We just started.

Right, but, I mean...

- Actually, Lassie, you're kind of squeezing.
- Yeah?

I am? Sorry. Is that better?

- I mean, you're still squeezing.
- Really'? Fuck.

- Okay, how about that?
- That's a little better.

Yeah?

My God, you can eat my bra.
Like, I'm not just saying that. It's edible.

I got it in a sex shop. It's not toxic.

- It's a turn-on.
- Lassie.

I think I'm okay. For now.

Maybe later.

I'll just... I'll keep it on, so, yeah.

But you're gonna, like...
You will eventually get hard tonight.

Right? I'm just asking.

You will... It'll happen?

It's never been a problem before.

I think we'll be fine.

Great.

I'm sorry that I'm crying. It's stupid.
You must feel like enough of a failure.

Which you shouldn't.
Lots of guys can't get erections sometimes.

God damn it! I just don't understand
why I'm taking care of you.

Because, you know what,
this is actually a really fucking horrible

time for this to be happening to me!

I just don't understand it,
I don't understand why nobody will fuck me!

Your parents. Right, I'm sorry. Fuck.

Thank you.

Fucking hell.

I should just go. So, I'll go.

You don't have to go.

Really. You don't have to go.

Okay. I literally never talk about this.

I found out my fiancée
was cheating at our wedding.

Really?

We were only getting married
because she was pregnant.

It turns out it wasn't my kid.

Wow.

- My best man.
- No way.

What'd you do?

I hit her in the face.

What? Sorry.

It wasn't really a hit. It was more like a slap.

And then I pulled her hair a little.

And then I got an upset stomach
and I threw up on her.

It was fucking terrible.

I knew that I knew you from somewhere.
I saw that...

- I saw your wedding video! On the Internet.
- Yeah, well, a lot of people did.

Why did you put that on the Internet?

I didn't. My brother did.

So weird. My friends used
to watch that video all the time.

They thought it was the funniest shit ever.

I never did, though.

I thought that it was just sad.

Like watching someone get their heart
stepped on, right in front of you.

Or something.

Well, you're, like, the only person
who ever saw that.

You still hate her? The girl?

No.

Yeah.

She sounds exactly like Peter.

Just a lying, cheating, whore bitch. My God.

Go on.

No, I just think that that's really selfish
and cruel and evil.

And whore-like.

Okay. One more time. Slow.

Okay, um... Okay.

She was... What was her name?

Sandra.

Sandra is a fucking

horrible

cunt-face

bitch.

And she fucked you up.

She fucked you up
and she sent you to Death Valley to die.

- Holy shit. Holy shit!
- Okay, now stop talking!

- I can't believe it!
- Please just stop talking.

- Morning, Mom.
- Morning, horn dog.

I saw your lady friend leaving.

I'm gonna take a shower.

Hey, bro.

Hey, sorry. I didn't know you had company.

No, that's okay. You remember Claudia, right?
My editor.

We weren't... We're just friends.

I mean, she'll come over and let me
eat her out sometimes, but it's not serious.

Hi, Frank.

Wait. Bro, bro. I wanted to talk to you.

I wanted you to know that
I filmed you and that chick last night.

And lam glad that I did.
When she hit you with her bike...

- it was awesome.
- It was just... Bang! Fucking love happens.

- Italian vibe.
- Let's see what happens next.

Like very early Cassavetes.

But I heard you loud and clear
last night when you talked about

wanting to be in the loop
and all that shit, and here's the deal.

I dropped a copy
of what I filmed off at Jack's.

- Good for you, baby.
- Get it back.

He asked me to be honest,
and now I've just been honest.

- It's pathetic.
- Bruce...

- Shit. Let me handle this.
- What?

Bro, I'm sorry, okay.

I didn't film you two having the sex.
If that's what you're worried about.

I mean, I watched it. But I didn't film it.

Okay. Bruce.
You're going to give me the address.

And I am going to go pick up
whatever it is you gave him.

VVhy're you being like this?
We just had a beautiful moment.

- We had another beautiful moment...
- Give me the fucking address!

Boys, stop fighting!

I finally get my life in order! I finally find
someone in the business who believes in me.

And I ask my baby brother for one little
favour to help me achieve my dream.

And will he help?

How is Jack Knoll seeing a movie
of a drunken woman hitting me with her bike

helping you get your dream, Bruce?

Stop fighting!

Because it's funny, man. It's fucking funny.

Not as funny as the stuff in the clubhouse.

What did you say?

Nothing.

Bro, you just swore to me
that you didn't film me in the clubhouse.

No, I did not. I swore I didn't
film you having sex. And that was true.

But we had sex in the clubhouse! We had
sex almost immediately in the clubhouse.

I mean, that's what we did in the clubhouse.

That depends on how you define sex.

Personally, I think that sex involves
one of the people having an erection.

- Yeah, that's usually the case.
- Will you shut up?

I'm just saying.
It took quite a while for that to occur.

But when you finally, finally did achieve
that erection, and good for you, bro,

but when you did, I cut.
Because, as far as I'm concerned,

sex is a private thing,
a sacred thing between two people.

- Even if it takes a while.
- Bruce, Bruce.

Listen to my rationale.
How many movies have sex in them?

All of them.

How many movies have impotence?

None of them.

Impotence makes us pop.

Am I wrong?

Wow, wow.

You just hate that I'm making
something of my life, don't you?

You just hate the fact that I'm a director now.

No. I don't. You know why?

Because you're not a director.
You're a fucking pervert. And a freak.

Well, listen to this. Action. Cut. Action. Cut.

Fucking action. That is directing, my friend.

Come on, man. Just let him watch it once.

Did it even occur to you there's
another person in your stupid film?

I mean, did you even think about that?

Mr Knoll!

Jack? Jack?

- You just gonna walk in?
- Yes.

Jack? Hello?

Buddy?

Is this his house?

Must be redecorating.

Jackie-boy?

Hey, man.

Hey. Almost done.

What's up? You look amazing.

Where's all your stuff, bro?

Collection agency. Said they're
coming for my treadmill this morning.

Let them try. Let them try!

- He's got a gun. It's a gun. That's a gun.
- He's virile.

- Mr Knoll.
- Call me Jack, son. How's my form?

Pretty good.
So, my brother dropped off a DVD...

DVD. Haven't seen it yet.

I thought you said that you were gonna
watch it before your agent came over.

Agent dropped me as a client.
Said no one'll hire me. Fuck him.

Should've fired him years ago.
Got me up for grampa roles now.

Come here. Look at this. Come here.
Hit my ass.

Frank, hit it. Really hit it. Hit my ass.

- I am not hitting his ass.
- Punch his fucking ass.

Come on! Hit it hard!

Yeah, damn right!
Does that feel like a grampa ass to you?

Not at all.

That ass is harder than a dick on Viagra.

But, no, I got an agent who says,
"Take the grampa roles.

- "They die at the end."
- He's a lunatic.

I don't wanna die. I don't wanna cry.
I wanna fuck!

We gotta get the DVD
and get the fuck out of here.

Bruce, we gotta do movies
where there's lots of fucking!

Don't worry, I can see it in your eyes, I'm fine.

Watch this, motherfuckers!
Where's my addiction, Bruce?

- Way back there, Jack!
- Can you see it, Bruce?

- It's fucking way over there!
- Fuck you, addiction. You cannot catch me!

- I win! I win! I win!
- YOu win!

Come on! Let's watch your movie.

Action!

Hey, hey, watch it!

- Make him turn it off.
- I can't. He's enjoying it.

Frank, you got talent!

I can see it!

Isn't the camera work good?

Frank?

- What are you doing?
- Shit!

What the fuck are you doing?

What the fuck was that?

- You didn't see that spark?
- What?

What are you doing here?

That'll dry right out.

What are you doing here?

Frank? You know my daughter?

She's your daughter?

Dad, could you maybe put some clothes on?
Maybe?

- This is your dad?
- Yeah.

Hi.

How do you know my Lassie?

Rehab, from rehab. Last night.

I was late. I was on my way to see you...

- Yep, exactly. Exactly.
- ...and I ran into him.

- How do you know my father?
- My brother was his roommate.

Hey, in rehab.

- Brother? The brother...
- Yep. Mmm-That one.

- I'm gonna finish my workout.
- Okay.

Then let's all have
a calm breakfast inside.

What a coincidence.

He's an amazing man, your father.

- Jack, don't forget the treadmill's on!
- Shit!

But I fell...

What is wrong with you?

People are
not just wandering around,

waiting for you to make movies
about them, Bruce.

This is a public place, Frankie. If they don't
wanna be filmed, they shouldn't come here.

Where are you going?
Where are you taking me?

- Going home, Dad. We're going home.
- No, take me back in there! You're the doctor!

- OxyContin! Just get me them, damn it!
- He's an orderly. Will you just calm...

- What's wrong?
- He wants drugs.

Jack!

Come here, please. Please, listen to me, man.

Look, lam in deep pain, man.

- The doctor said I needed some painkillers.
- The doctor said Advil was fine.

- He told me OxyContin.
- He did not say...

He did not say OxyContin.
He said OxyContin.

Give me a Darvon.

Okay, Jack, listen to me,
drugs aren't your friend. I am your friend.

And what I'm going to do, as your friend,
I'm gonna take you to a meeting.

Can I have your car keys?
I'm gonna take him to a meeting.

Make sure you get that DVD!

Well, it's nice to see you again.

Yeah, you really don't have to say that to me.

What are you talking about?

I mean, I knew you weren't going to call me,
which is actually totally fine. So...

I already did. Twice. Check your phone.

I don't believe it.
Look, Frank, I don't do what we did last night.

Okay. And I know that lots of girls say that,
but I really never, ever, ever do that stuff.

Okay...

And now it turns out that
you know my father, who I want to kill,

and anytime I get sucked back
into his whole crazy world,

it ends very, very badly. So...

Lassie, I actually don't know your dad.

But I do know what it's like
to want to kill a relative.

Hey, look,
I'm not trying to suck you into anything,

I'd just really love go out on, like,
a regular date with you. You know?

We could see a movie. Maybe get something
to eat that isn't part of your underwear.

Hi, everyone. My name is Jack,
and I'm an alcoholic and a drug addict.

Hi, Jack.

Drugs and alcohol
cost me my career as a movie star.

And I only say that up in case any of you
doubt that this disease can take away

the things that you love most.

That's what happened to me.
Just one more thing.

If any of you ladies wanted to have sex with
me back when I was a somebody

and didn't get a chance, meet me out back.
I also have a pool.

Have you ever worked at a strip club?

- Bruce?
- Yeah.

- Hi. My name's David.
- Hi.

- This is my wife, Natalie.
- Hello.

We related to everything you said
in the meeting.

We wanted to be
in the movie business our whole lives.

And when we got sober, we swore we'd
finally do what we were supposed to do.

That's why we started our company.

- Los Angeles Pictures.
- Los Angeles. "Angels."

Did you know that angels are everywhere?

- I did not know that, David.
- There's one standing next to you.

Don't be afraid. That's Sonya. She follows us.

Did you come with Jack Knoll?
Are you friends?

Jack? Yeah. Big time, good friend.

No, hit it, hit it, hit it.

Do you think that you and Jack would be
interested in making movies with us

about angels?

Thanks to dentistry,
we have plenty of money.

You guys are like Christian tooth fairies.

That's amazing.

We're ready to go.

We're just looking for
like-minded artists to join us.

You know what's weird?

Jack, only yesterday, was talking about
how much he loves angels.

My God.

- It's a miracle.
- It's a miracle.

So, how much money do you guys have?

- We have a lot.
- Shh.

Should we pray?

- Let's!
- Let's pray.

- Whoa. Whoa, whoa, Claudia...
- Shhh.

Be very quiet.

Help! Mom!

Shut the fuck up!

Okay. Okay. Just do it.

- Hey, bro.
- Where you been?

Well, Jack and I went to a meeting.

After which I was approached by
some very serious film producers.

I need my keys. I'm late to meet Lassie.

- Okay. Have a good time.
- You got the DVD, right'?

Weren't you supposed to get the DVD?

How do you know he's not home?

He stayed for another meeting.
So, where are you going to take Lassie?

Just get the DVD out of the player
and stop talking.

Why are you always so mean to me?

- It's fucking gone.
- Shh!

He's sleeping.

Fine.

Where are you going?

I'm going to get it.

What if he has an alarm?

You think he has an alarm?
He has no furniture.

But you think he's gonna pay for an alarm?

Use your head, Frankie.

I'm sorry! I'm not a goddamn criminal.

Yeah, well, it's just as well,
because you'd be a terrible one.

Just, fuck... Bruce, the guy has guns.

I know he has guns! And he will use them
on us if he ever watches that video.

So are you gonna help me get it back?

Or are you gonna stand out here
all night and whine like a little bitch?

I'm a bitch'? I'm a bitch?

Then how come you're the one always
sucking Jack Knoll's balls?

He's my friend!

Holy shit. The pig is in the pool.

The pig is in the pool? Fuck.

He's fine. He's swimming.

What're you talking about? Pigs can't swim!

Jack shouldn't have kept a pig by the pool.
It's irresponsible. It's not our fault.

We are not leaving him in there.

Fine. You go get him.

You get him! I'm going on a date after this.

- I can't swim.
- What?

I can't swim, Frankie. I never have.
I don't like water.

I can't even drink the stuff.

You fuck!

I think he's dead. I think he's dead!

- Heimlich him!
- Heimlich him?

Do it! Heimlich him!

Squeeze his little belly.

Is that a condom?

Yeah, that's definitely a condom.

Get it off.

- Who the fuck is out here?
- Jack, Jack!

It's Bruce. Don't shoot! Don't shoot!

- What are you doing here?
- I was worried about you.

Hey, Dharma D-Cup.

And I thought it would be good
if I could be here when you got home.

And it's a good that we were,
because your pig fell in the pool, man.

- Is he all right?
- He's fine.

We saved him.

Mr Knoll.

Since we're already here, would you like us
to get the DVD player fixed?

That's a good idea, Frankie.

Don't worry about it.

My housekeeper took it home with her.
Her husband fixes them.

Hey, GUYS...

We're looking for Ramon and Celia.

They just left for now, bro.

Right. Um...

Do you know where they went?

None of your business.

You're done now?

What's up, homes? Listen,

Cecilia, the Chiquita who lives here,
she works for a guy called Jack Knoll.

You know Jack Knoll? He's a big TV actor.

You don't have a TV. That's okay.

Jack's a really good amigo of mine.

And he sent me over to just grab
something from...

They just left. If want to come back a little...

Maybe we'll just have a quick look inside.

Maybe I'll just break your fucking legs
if you take another step.

You're gonna do it?

Okay. You're a lot bigger standing up.

- Sorry to disturb you.
- Just get the fuck out of here.

See that.

I can see it. It's just here.

My God.

You have to do it.

- What?
- You have to go in.

I swore on my sobriety that
I wouldn't steal any more, Frank.

And besides, breaking and entering
a stranger's home is definitely a felony

and I've already got two strikes.

If you think
you're going to manipulate me and...

Fine.

I'll go. I'll do it. It's fine.

Bruce, neither of us should do it!

Frank, if I get caught
and go down for 3O years,

will you do me a favour?

Promise you won't put Mom
in a nursing home.

All right. Wait. Wait.

- Stop pushing.
- Okay.

You Okay?

What are you doing?

He's attacking me.

Shake him off!

He's really strong!

Frank, Frank! Stab him!

- What?
- Take this knife and stab him!

I'm not fucking stabbing him, Bruce.

He's, like, a million years old.
It doesn't matter.

Okay, just bring him over here. I'll stab him.

He fucking bit me!

Give me the DVD player!

Good luck.

Bruce! Bruce!

What the fuck?

It really took you 14 hours to get me out?

When Bruce gets arrested,
we always let him spend the night.

Your mother and I
decided we shouldn't play favourites.

Bruce is a fucking criminal!

Ex-criminal.

And you are scarcely
in any position to judge.

Here.

Stop sign!

- Hello.
- I am so sorry about last night.

Don't even worry about it. Bruce called me.

He told me all about your father's scare.

Are they sure that it's not a heart attack?

Yeah, he's...

They said he's fine.

Good.

So...

You want to get together later?

Right, well...

Frank, I just don't think that I have the time.

Right. Okay.

The relief organisation that I work for,

they just offered me this position
in China that I'm thinking about taking.

So, it's just kinda crazy right now.

But if I'm ever in Death Valley, then,
you know, I'll absolutely give you a call.

Okay...

Okay. Have a safe trip.

Fuck.

Hey, bro. I got it.

All broken up.

I also got all the tape. That's for you as well.

And don't worry.
Jack's maid isn't going to press charges.

Are you okay, bro?

Did someone touch you in prison?

Have my car keys?

Look at me and tell me
you don't have any more copies.

I swear, on my sobriety,

that I don't have any more copies.

Now swear that no one else has any.

Okay, since your impotence is
apparently so embarrassing to you,

I had Claudia completely re-edit my movie.

Which means, technically,
I don't even have to show it to you.

Because as you will soon see, this movie
no longer has anything to do with you.

But I'm happy for you to see it
because you're my brother and I love you.

Claudia, play it for him.

Well, what you're about to see,
in my opinion,

is a serious step back
from the integrity of Bruce's original work.

Could you just press play, please?

Okay, will you just stop
yelling at me, please?

- I'm not even yelling at you.
- You're being rude.

Just play it.

- What's wrong?
- What?

- What's wrong?
- What?

You're not hard. What's wrong?
Am I doing something wrong?

No, no, no. We just started.

- Actually, Lassie.
- Yeah?

You're kind of squeezing.

I originally planned to put
fuzz face on the genitals.

But it's actually a lot funnier with genitals.

Especially since you were
having so much trouble with your genitals.

I'm sorry. Who the fuck are you?

This is Arthur. Arthur, this is Frank.

Arthur's a bigwig in the whole
in the whole fuzz face game.

And what exactly did you plan
to do with this?

It's going to be submitted it to a
sex-tape site in the valley.

It's a do-it-yourself fornication
and lighting emporium, called.

ChooseALam pAndGo F uckEachOther. Com.

Please get hard.

Please get hard. Please get hard.
Please get hard.

Shit.

Frank, you ungrateful little bitch.

We did this so you wouldn't have to
be embarrassed!

Hey, idiots.
I uploaded it without the fuzz face.

Now your film is going to be seen
the way it was meant to be seen.

What?

Are you into lesbians?

That's a thing with guys, right?

The girl is Jack Knoll's daughter!

Great art hurts, Bruce.

Mmm... Boobs. I love your boobs.

Do not honk my horn.

Can you go around him?

Look who's suddenly
nervous about someone seeing the movie.

Yes, I'm nervous about being killed!

As soon as he sees that video,
you don't think he's gonna kill you, too?

I am nervous about being actually shot!

Not about the possibility of maybe
somebody on the Internet

seeing my embarrassing weiner.

No. Open hand! Open hand!

- Hey.
- Excuse me.

Kip, Kip, it's him, it's him.

Your video was dope, dawg.

I'm the director.

The most original sex tape ever.

Shut your mouth.

We'd like it back.

I mean, a sex tape with no sex.
That is just genius.

Yeah, it was great. The thing is,
it was actually sent to you by mistake.

So, we're really gonna need you to destroy it.

I can't do that.
Once it goes up, it's up for 72 hours.

Wait, wait, wait.
You're saying it's on the Internet now?

Come, check it out.
You got some great feedback, dawg.

Come on, man. Take a look here.

Dad! Cut it with the welding, man. Come on!

- Are these all for me?
- Yeah, yeah, yeah. See?

Here's the deal,
either take it down right now, or...

- ls five boners good?
- Five boners is great.

- That's five out of five.
- Five out of five boners.

And they're really stingy with boners.

Yeah, they don't give boners for anybody.
Dad! We have customers!

- Hey, pal, pal, you wanna negotiate?
- No, I don't.

They call me Alfred Bitchcock.

That's hilarious.
I don't know what that means, though.

- You want a car?
- I don't want a car.

I got a '93 Honda right outside.

I have a DUI and I drive a Vespa.

"Kinky In Kualalumpa" thinks that
I'm a visionary.

If other men are on our site
and they see a guy like you

having trouble getting an erection,
keeping an erection, forming an erection...

Right.

I think that they'll feel a lot
better about themselves.

I don't want to be too forward,

but would you like to maybe get some
coffee or something later?

- Anytime.
- That'd be great.

Like, wait, did you mean romantically?

Most certainly romantically.

- Bruce, can we leave, please?
- Sure.

All right. Hey, send us more stuff.

Seriously, guys, you cannot fucking
mess with people's lives like this.

I really appreciate your support.

You will take this down, or you
will face the fucking consequences.

I will call you, okay? About this.

Did you think I didn'tjust see that?

You heard the guy. They've only got, like,
15,000 subscribers tops.

Mostly in Asia.
And he's going to take it down in 72 hours.

I am not waiting 72 hours.

Why are you so embarrassed about
your impotency'?

I don't have impotency!

I had a brief one-time-only episode.

It happens to everyone.
I was impotent last night.

I know. I was.
I mean, I had just watched your video.

So, it was probably just some kind of
fraternal sympathy softie. But even so...

Claudia had to put three fingers
up my ass last night to get me hard.

I understand your pain. Family.

Hey. David! No this is a good time.
I've just come from church.

Do you want me to hum?

It's just my jaw hurts.

Mother of God...

Okay, Dad! That's enough.

Well, that was excruciating.

Just tell me you can get it down.

This is out of our area of expertise.

Although Sydney did just e-mail me

that it is illegal to film someone
in an unflattering manner

without their knowledge.

And that was definitely unflattering.

- Dad!
- What?

Sydney, he's my partner.

How am I supposed to help you
if I don't know what's going on'?

Listen, I think you should call Judge Collins,

have him issue a take-down order.

Here's his number. Thank you, dear.

You gotta be kidding me!
You showed the intern?

Everything here is confidential!

- They're dentists?
- That's right.

And they are super rich, Morn, and
they wanna make a movie with Jack and I.

- That's fantastic.
- I know.

I'd love to have you involved in some way.

- Me?
- Of course.

It's been too long since you and I
have created art together.

When did you two ever make art together?

My painting.

Don't you remember I sat for that?

Yes.

Great things are happening.
Sobriety has worked wonders with your life.

Excuse me, am I invisible?

Your beautiful sober son just put me in
a porn video without my permission.

Stop it. There is nothing in that video

that earns it the title of porn and you know it.

You watched it?

- You showed it to Mom?
- You showed it to Dad.

To help get it down.

Mom, why would you watch that?

I watch all of Bruce's films.
Besides, there is nothing wrong

with a mother seeing her son's
penis in repose.

Had you gotten aroused,
I would've stopped watching.

Can we stop talking about this?

I am seeing ajudge tomorrow
and all of this is going to be behind us.

Stop being such a drama queen.

Mom, I'm on a website
where people fuck fruit.

It is not people. It is one man.
And it's very funny.

And don't talk with your mouth full.

My God. Please be poison.

When did he become such a prude?

You know, I hate to say it,
but I think I agree with her on this one.

What was the point of your mother
and I having sex with the door open

if we were raising a puritan?

- Dad.
- Thank you, my darling.

May I be excused?

Look who's finally being polite.

You know, some nights I really miss
the sound of you guys making love.

Yeah. Me, too.

I'm so sorry. I didn't know who else to call.

What is going on?

I swear to God, if you fire one more shot,
I'll fucking kill you.

My fiancé!

My fiancé called him and told him everything.
I have no idea what he was thinking.

So, of course, my dad just
totally flips out and he goes to grab his gun.

So I just locked him in there, in the shed.

And is this his normal reaction
to a situation like this?

He's freakishly protective of me,
in his own weird way.

- Jack! Hey, buddy, it's Bruce.
- Stay out of this.

I'm gonna open the door,
but you have to give me your gun.

- No.
- The thing is, Jack,

it's really not cool to shoot people any more.

It's illegal.
Besides, I've got really good news.

What news?

I am opening the door.

Gimme the gun.

- What's the news?
- I got us producers.

- Really?
- Yeah!

You know, why don't you just take drugs?
Just take drugs again.

- Why would you say that?
- Because you are just as bad...

You're worse, actually, when you're sober.

So, please, I am begging you
to take drugs, Jack.

First of all, I don't think
you should be calling me "Jack."

I think you should call me "Dad."

Hey.

Hi.

You Okay?

Are you sure you're okay?

Sorry, if I'm giving you mixed messages.

I don't really think that it takes a genius
to figure out why I'm a little bit confused.

I think we're all a little bit confused.

Thanks for being a good guy.

I'm really not.

No. You really are.

What do you mean, the judge thinks
we should leave it up'?

Well, apparently, these gossip websites bribe
clerks to alert them

when people get down sex tapes,
in case there's a celebrity involved.

Anyway, Lassie's a celebrity's
kid, and there's only 48 hours left,

so the judge thinks
it's just not worth the risk.

Okay, you know what? Fuck it.

Can I borrow one of Dad's ties?

I got my meeting with the producers
and I want to look fancy.

Aw, of course you can.

- Where are you going?
- I'm doing what I should've done

from the very beginning. I'm telling Lassie.

- Why?
- The judge can't get down the sex tape.

What? No! Wait, wait, wait.

I'm not asking your permission.

No. I told you, man. She's never gonna see it.

I'm telling Lassie and I'm going home.

Can you believe that pussy came from
your pussy?

What about Phil? Maybe he can help.

- FATHERI Who's Phil?
- Phil.

I love you, Mom.

His cell mate from prison.

The guy who eats rats?

Don't be so negative!

He hacked into a bank and got $20 million.

He's not just some guy that eats rats.

Hey, Phil! It's Bruce. Long time, man.

I'm actually just calling
because I need a favour.

He's talking to his friend, the ex-con.
He eats rats.

Don't tell Mother I told you.

Yeah, so is it okay if I send over my brother?

What? I'm not going!

He's a computer whiz!
He can get the sex tape off the Internet.

He's a rodent-eating ex-convict I don't know.

Hey, we're both coming.

Hello?

Hello? Phil?

Hi.

Is Phil here?

Hello, Bruce.

Phil?

It's Phyllis now.

My God. That's weird.

I'd like to introduce you to Frankie.

The brother.

Charmed.

Kiss the hand.

Come in, boys.

No. I'm clean as a whistle.

I'm impressed.

No thanks.

It's not nice to make a lady party alone.

Especially when she's doing you a favour.

Right.

So, Phil, do you think, maybe, we
could get this movie down off the Internet?

- It's Phyllis.
- Yes, it is.

I get so horny when I smoke pot. You, too?

You know, I hope you don't take this
the wrong way,

but I found your film very healing.

I've had a lot of sadness lately.

A lot of new girls do.

Grieving the lost phallus, it's normal.

It's so normal.

But I have to tell you.

When I saw what happened to you last night,
Good Lord, I didn't miss my cock one bit.

Would you like to see it?

My phallus.

No, I asked if I could keep it. I keep it in ajar.

Well, I mean, not all of it.

I mean, some of it they had to use
to reconstruct my vagina.

It's an amazingly interesting procedure...

You don't have to
go into all of that for us, Phyllis.

You be nice to your Auntie Phyllis,
you little shit.

No, no. Frankie didn't... Frankie would love
to hear all about your penis operation.

It's just, we're kind of in a hurry
to get the video down.

Why has no one asked to see them?

Your tits?

I'd fucking love to see your tits.

And how 'bout you, Frankie?

Fancy a peek?

I will not help
people who don't support me.

What is your problem?

- What did I do?
- You hesitated!

When someone offers to show you their tits,
you don't hesitate, you look!

Bruce, I don't even know this guy.
Why should I look at his tits?

Her! Motherfucker!

I'm done helping you.

- Bruce!
- I'm not gonna be late for my meeting

to watch you abuse my lady friends, Frank.

Bruce, I'm sorry!

Don't say it to me!

Phyllis. It's me again.

You're a very good dancer, Frank.

Phyllis, I would really like to,

but I'm actually seeing someone right now,
and I'm kind of old-fashioned that way.

Please don't be mad.

She's a very lucky girl.

So, do you think you could

maybe help with the sex tape?

Well,

since you couldn't get it up,

I may as well get it down.

Let's see what we have here.

I really appreciate it, Phyllis.

You know,

there is something you could help me with.

Anything.

I have this date tonight.
And I really, really like this lady.

I think I might be a lesbian.
You don't have any problem with that, right?

No.

Well, I got waxed for the very first time,
you know, down there.

At the end of the day,
I went with the Brazilian.

And, God, I hope I didn't make a mistake.

I just want everything to be pretty.

Would you like...
Would you like me to take a look?

Would you?

Y9K)...

Okay...

Lord, again we thank you so much

for Jack and for Bruce.

In your name we pray. Amen.

- Amen.
- Amen.

Amen. Hallelujah.

Good, good.

Thank you, thank you.

And we also wanted to talk
to the two of you about...

Sex.

Huh?

Well, you see, my wife and I, we're celibates.

Shut up.

We've taken a lifelong vow of chastity.

My God.

We don't expect you to
live a similar lifestyle.

- Dear, no. We never would.
- No.

But we do feel very strongly
about our films being "sex-free."

"Sexfree." Yes.

You want a film with no sex in it.

- Correct.
- Yes.

- Lots of angels. Zero sex.
- Is that going to be a problem?

- Maybe.
- No.

Phyllis!

I love you, Phyllis.

Look at us. We're on regular date,
like regular people. It's nice.

It's a miracle.

When do I get to read your book?
Because I kind of want to.

I think probably never.
I'm pretty sure it sucks.

I'm pretty sure it sucks, too.
But I still want to read it.

I won't judge you.

Maybe the next one.

Excuse me? It's you. Love the video, dude.

Fuckin' hysterical.

It's all right. This happens all the time.

Seriously.
It's the funniest thing I've ever seen in my life.

You know it got, like, a million hits
in three hours today?

Awesome. Fuck off. You know? Thanks.

My God, I don't know how you
handle that shit.

Eat my bra!

Eat my bra!

What did he say?

I don't know.
I don't think he was talking to us.

What?

We could act out
your masturbation fantasies.

Maybe that would get you hard.

Someone must've pirated a copy off
the original site before I shut it down.

Like, I'll be a cheerleader
and you be the captain of the football team.

Maybe you just need
some kind of encouragement.

I'll cheer you on, I'll cheer you on,
I'll cheer you on.

Please get it down, Phyllis.
I'll do whatever you want.

We can dance. I'll look at your penis.

- Frank!
- Go get the jar. Does it open?

- I'll touch it.
- Frank, Frank, Frank. I know how you feel.

You're embarrassed and you're ashamed

and you want to die.

It's the exact same way I felt
when the guys on my high school team

walked into the locker room
and I was dressed in a cheerleader's uniform.

But it was at that moment,
I got a glimpse, for the first time,

of my true me.

And that is what I want for you, darling.

Let your humiliation set you free.

Come here, sad screw up. Come here.

That's a very nice shampoo you're wearing.

Now he'll never work with me.

Jack? Don't be silly. He adores you.

Mom, he tried to shoot a guy
who cheated on his daughter.

I put her in a sex tape,

which has now been viewed by
by eight million people since breakfast.

It's not a real sex tape.
It's just a funny little movie.

- That's it.
- What?

It's a movie. I'll just tell Jack
that what I shot in the clubhouse

was a teaser for a larger film.

What's the film?

I'll work that out! It writes itself!

- Hi.
- Hey.

I'm so glad that you called.

My dad is at a meeting,
but I ordered us some dinner.

So, I hope you're hungry.

Here. Sit.

I actually have something to tell you.

It's kind of the reason why we're
eating Chinese food.

You're going to China?

The opposite. I told them no.

It's just kind of the worst time for me to go.

It might have a tiny little bit to do with you.

You all right?

You do these?

I was really into knights when I was a kid.

"A strong kind man, dipped in metal."

Listen. It's actually a very normal fantasy
for a girl whose father

has never been in a relationship ever.

You can connect the dots and see
why perhaps I was in need of some chivalry.

So, what did you want to tell me?

I'll tell you later.

Hey.

Thank you for the date yesterday.
It was really, really nice and normal.

Listen, Lassie.
Can I talk to you about something?

I'm actuallyjust running into
a meeting right now.

Can I give you a call back in a little bit?

And your brother,
he stopped by and he took your car.

He said he needed to trade it
for a crane or something, I don't know.

He said you'd understand.

Hey. Sorry I'm late.

- What's going on?
- This is actually

a really fucking horrible time for this
to be happening to me!

I just don't understand it,
I don't understand why nobody will fuck me!

But everyone else has sex, why can't we?

"Why can't I?"

Everyone else has sex. Why can't I?

Behold.

I am an angel, sent by God, to make you pure.

Dad! I'm gonna need more wings.

- What'?
- More wings.

- Bruce.
- Cut, cut.

Isn't this fucking amazing?

- What is this?
- I'm making a movie of that night.

- What night?
- The night in the clubhouse, bro.

Okay. Everybody, places. We're going again.

No. Actually not places.

Could everyone just pack this stuff up
and go home? I'm sorry.

Frankie, stop being such a girl.

Do not disrespect me in front of my crew.

Okay'? I will slap you down.
I will fucking slap you down.

All I'm doing here is trying to make
everyone else happy.

The producers want an angel,

Jack won't do the movie
unless Dharma's in it.

Jack is in the movie?

Of course Jack's in the movie.
Jack's the money!

But he won't do it unless Dharma's in it,
who can't fucking act.

Stop fighting, both of you!

And I am doing all of this, bro,

just to make sure that you and Cassie
don't get embarrassed.

- Bruce?
- What?

Isn't Jack supposed to be in this scene?

Can everybody just stop talking to me?
Please?

Okay. We're going again.

Last time. Rolling sound.

- Bruce!
- Action.

Don't listen to the angel.

Have sex. Have sex now.

- Angrier!
- Have it all the time!

Fuck.

What are you doing here?

Tell me that you didn't know that
he filmed us that night!

I didn't. I swear to GOd, I didn't.

Well, did you know that it was
on the Internet?

Cut! Places! We're going again.

My God.

Action.

Why won't anyone have sex with me? Wait...

Is that an angel?

I forbid the blood to enter your cock.

Rise, penis, rise!

Bruce, could you have her say
"phallus" instead?

What is all of this?

Fill with blood! Fill that member!

Bruce is making a movie so that
we won't have to be embarrassed.

What are you talking about?

Sex out of wedlock is wrong.

Get that member filled with pleasure!

- I forbid the blood to enter your cock.
- Get it in that pussy. Go...

- Phallus!
- Phallus.

- I forbid...
- I'm the devil!

- ...the blood to enter your phallus.
- I'm the devil. Fuck that pussy!

- You big penis.
- Can you say "organ" instead?

Motherfucker! Come here!

Did you put my precious daughter
in a porno video?

You are fucking dead, do you hear me?

Shit.

Time to die, motherfucker.

Bruce, Bruce.

Fuck.

- Okay. Okay.
- Someone call an ambulance!

Call 911. Call 911!

- He shot me in my belly.
- Okay. I know, bro.

I know.
Just keep breathing, just keep breathing.

Just keep breathing.

I knew you loved me, bro.

You! When you grab me, go like this.
You gotta really hold me.

- You want to go again, Jack?
- Let's go!

He doesn't know anything.

He just thinks that
he's playing the part of a father

who found out his daughter's in a sex video.
It's fine.

- You're such a fucking asshole!
- What?

"What?" What's the matter with you?

I just want an option in case
we decide to go dark in the end, bro.

- Lassie, I'm sorry. Lassie.
- Leave me alone.

- Lassie.
- Leave me alone!

But it looked that realistic?

Mom, stop fucking calling.

It's not your mother.

Unfortunately, I can't bear children.

Whatever.

I saw Bruce's movie, along with,
I don't know, a few million other people.

And what the fuck was he thinking,
not letting me play the angel?

That woman was absolute dog shit.

So you still talk to that girl?

- She still mad at you?
- She won't take my calls.

She hasn't responded to any of my e-mails.

Yeah, I heard through the grapevine
that she's going away.

Poor thing.

- Where?
- China.

You think you're embarrassed?

Try having half the planet watch
some guy not be able to fuck you all night.

That's embarrassing, my friend.

Anyway, I thought you should know
she's going away.

Just in case one of the people
on this phone call

wanted to start acting like a man, darling.

Let your Auntie Phyllis give you
a piece of advice, Frankie, baby.

I don't give a shit how many people saw
what happened in that clubhouse that night.

And I don't care what they thought about it.

They weren't there. They were just watching.

If you really fell in love
with that girl that night,

then what the fuck
are you still doing in the desert?

Francis.

Hey, bro.

Listen, I know we haven't talked
since the whole angel debacle,

and I just wanted to say I'm really sorry.

After you left, I got to thinking,
maybe I'm incapable of change.

But, look, no camera.

- Well, I'm impressed.
- Right?

- You proud of me?
- What time's her flight?

7:00 p.m.
We better hit the road before we lose the light.

Hey, Bruce,
can you help me with something in here?

Sure.

- You need a strong guy?
- Yeah.

Frank! What're you doing?

You're not filming this, Bruce.

What?

Plenty of food and water in there.

There's even a mirror
in case you want to jerk off.

TV gets Channel 6.

I swear on Mom's tits,
I'm not gonna film you.

Okay, maybe one shot.

Maybe two.

A master from far away! Bro!

I just want to give you a happy ending.

Frank! I love you.

- Hey.
- Dad! Tell us when people come in!

Excuse me?

I am a strong, kind man dipped in metal.

Dipped in metal.

And I have come
to take you away from all of this.

And to protect you and to defend you.

And to apologise for sucking at it so far.

Lassie, I know all about embarrassment.

Eighteen million people
saw me throw up on my fiancée.

And 35 million people saw my dick not work.

I'm standing in front of you wearing a car.

Don't go. It won't help.

Frank.

I really appreciate all of this effort, I just...

I can't live here an more. I have to o.
Y

I'm sorry.

Come?

Come and visit me.

I could probably use a knight.

I might have a little trouble
with the metal detector.

"Wow.
I've never had sex with a knight before."

"I'm gonna fuck you
on the Round Table, bitch."

Cut!

Felt real to me.