37-Teen (2019) - full transcript

[microphone droans]

So, I hear that you've upgraded,

and now you have all the normal,
regular features

that I have had for years.

[chuckles] Yep, we're nothing
but windows of opportunity.

And although it may not
be PC to say so,

I like to think
that we've finally...

[glitching]
fixed all the bugs.

- [sneezes]
- Gesundheit.

Excuse me. That's not a virus.
That's not a virus.

I am sure
that it's not a virus.



Although, to be fair,
I have no idea

because I have
never had a virus.

- So...
- Why do you have to be

such a condescending
douche bag?

Um, I--

I, I, I.
It's "I" this and "I" that.

Boop.

- [yells indistinctly]
- [screams]

Maybe it is time we stopped
talking about "I" all the time,

and windows of opportunity.

Anybody else remember
when people were smart

and phones were stupid?

This fall, Pi is gonna
launch a new phone

that'll change things forever.



We're ready to bring you
what you wanted

yesterday for tomorrow today.

Pi. Smart phones
for smarter people.

Do you really want to say
"douche bag" in the ad?

I don't say "douche bag."

The guy in the cheap suit
says "douche bag."

Betty, any calls?

[Betty] Bono wants
to know if you're still good

for the trip to Africa.

Tell him I still haven't
found what I'm looking for.

- [laughs]
- [Betty] The Dalai Lama.

Are you still on
for meditation this afternoon?

Advise him to still his mind.
The answer lies within.

[Betty]
The president is asking,

can we move the meeting to the
White House this weekend?

Yes, perfect. Mosquitoes
at Camp David are a bitch.

Terrible.

[Betty] Bill Gates
sent an email

that simply reads,
"Cheeky."

Fair enough.

Tell him I want
my 20 bucks.

[Betty]
Sarah Russell called

about your 20-year
high school reunion tonight.

Wait, wait, wait.
Twenty-year what now?

Twenty-year reunion.
This is great.

We'll show everyone
we're not losers anymore.

Greg, we were never losers.

Uh, yeah, we were.

But that doesn't matter
now, right?

- [stammers]
- Oh, I get it.

Look, it's nothing
to be nervous about.

It could be a lot of fun, you know?

Nervous?
Why would I be nervous

about people we haven't seen
in 20 years?

[laughter]

Guys?

[laughter echoes]

- [shouting]
- [laughter continues]

No! No!

[laughing]

[firework explodes]

[Betty] Do you want me
to call and cancel?

Uh, yes, please.
Tell them I'm sick.

Come on, you used that one
for the ten year.

Betty, what did Sarah want
about the reunion?

Why was she calling?

[Betty] I believe she wanted
to let Adam know

that Darcie Williams was asking
if he was going to be there.

Darcie Williams?

Yes, Darcie Williams.

I love her.

[music playing]

High school: where self-esteem,

innocence,
and dreams go to die.

The insufferable purgatory
of being too old to be a kid,

too young to be an adult.

[school bell rings]

The entire concept
of placing all of those

going through their awkward,
formative years of puberty

into one giant institution
of self-doubt,

forced pseudo-social
structure, and anxiety,

it's a cruel
and unusual punishment.

[music continues]

Even worse, this bizarre ritual
of needing to get together

every couple of years
as a reminder

of these traumatizing times.

[woman]
It's a blast from the past.

Borders on insanity.

When I was nine years old,
I got really sick.

I spent six weeks
in the hospital

and had my entire large
intestine taken out.

It was one of the most traumatic
events in my entire life.

And yet I've never
felt the urge to get together

with the other nurses,
patients, or doctors

and reminisce
about the good old days.

[music continues]

I hated high school.

High school hated me.

In the immortal words
of Mr. Stephen King,

"I hated high school.

I don't trust anyone
who looks back on

the years of 14 to 18
with any enjoyment.

If you liked
being a teenager,

there's definitely
something wrong with you."

- Mr. Pi.
- Hey, Happy.

Betty, I'm gonna render the graphics

for the latest beta version
of the OS from the car.

Uh, Betty, isolate the signal
and encrypt the data, please.

You know, this is
the most revolutionary launch

- since the touchscreen.
- Yeah, so let's protect it.

Okay.

What is it about these people
that make me so nervous?

I'm tongue-tied already.

Just remember these
key words-- "Let's party."

Come on, this is our night.

- Is that a new shirt?
- Yeah, cool shirt, right?

[chuckles]

Just think, we're gonna get
to see Andy and Dennis again.

Yeah, and John Vernon,
Trevor Jackson.

They've probably matured
by now, right?

[laughter]

Excuse me, will you settle a bet
for me and my friends?

Does this feel like
boyfriend material to you?

- Ew.
- Are you a lesbian?

Because I can just talk
and we can scissor.

Back off, date rape.

Didn't you, like, date my mom
100 years ago or something?

- [laughs]
- I'm not that old.

No, seriously.
You dated my mom.

Aren't you guys going
to your reunion later tonight?

Darcie Williams?

- [gasps]
- Yeah.

She's my mom.

I'm 17, you pedophile.

She was showing me pictures
of her class earlier,

from when you two
were dating.

I think you might be wearing
the exact same shirt.

Oh, my God.

Can we get some drinks
over here?

We don't have to stay
for the whole thing, right?

Come on, it's gonna be
different this time.

We're all grown up.

Tonight is gonna be awesome.

- Hey, guys!
- Andy, Dennis!

- Oh!
- Nice.

So glad you guys are here.

Yeah, we weren't gonna come
because, you know...

Everyone hated us.

But, uh, who knows?
Maybe it'll be fun.

[distant chatter, laughter]

[sighs]

Uh, so, what've you guys
been up to?

I work a few nights a week
at Game Land.

I test games on the weekends.

Sweet, programming, design?

No, no, no, I just test them,
like, for fun, right?

At my house.

So, you don't have a job?

- I know, sweet, right?
- Yeah.

Weren't you guys doing it
like that in the 12th grade?

I guess we hit
that jackpot early.

Ooh, but you guys got your whole
billionaire empire thing.

That's gotta be cool,
though, too, yeah?

[distant laughter, chatter]

- Wanna bail and play Warcrack?
- Absolutely.

No, guys.

Come on, gentlemen.

Tonight
is gonna be epic, right?

Right?

Follow me.

[music playing]

♪ Let go ♪

♪ If you don't let go ♪

♪ So don't let me go ♪

♪ And then I won't let go. ♪

- All right.
- Whoo!

Ha!

Pfft.

[laughs]

Hi.

Steve Probyn.

Sarah's looking for ya.

She's on the stage
and she looks pissed.

[sighs]

Go easy on that tonight, okay?

That's okay, my parents
are driving me home.

Hello.

- [feedback squeals]
- Hello.

- Hello!
- [feedback squeals]

[chuckles]
Hi.

For those of you
who don't remember,

my name is Sarah Russell.

Welcome, class of 1997,

to our 20-year
high school reunion.

[man whoops]

- Just one second.
- [woman] You suck!

Twenty years.

Twenty years.

Wow.

We started high school
in 1994,

the year that Kurt Cobain died
and Justin Bieber was born.

Whoo!

We started high school
before texting.

And not just before smartphones,
before cell phones.

How crazy is that?

And speaking of cell phones
and the Internet,

I'm sure you don't want
to hear

from your runner-up
valedictorian.

Not at all.

He needs no introduction.

Your... valedictorian,

Mr. Adam Pi.

[cheers]

[feedback squeals]

Ow. Thanks, Sarah.

Hey, class.

I'm not really sure
what to say.

Um, man,

could you imagine how amazing
high school would be

if we knew then
what we know now?

I knew I had
a big hammer back then

- and I still know it now.
- [scattered laughter]

Thank you, Adam, for that
very well-prepared speech.

So, let's raise a--

I don't have a glass.

Give me your glass.
Give me your glass!

[chuckles]

Let's raise a glass
to the class of 1997.

Let's party like
we're 37-teen.

- [chatter]
- Let's go.

I can't believe
you roped me into this.

I told you, you shoulda
just said, "Let's party."

D-dudes.

[music playing]

[sighs]

I'm pretty sure
she likes my shirt.

She's been looking
at my shirt all night.

She's mine.

Look at that,
you twat-dodgers.

I haven't aged a bit.

I got bad news for you, man.

You looked old in high school,
you look ancient now.

Suck a dick, Jeff.
I look fucking great.

Tonight I'm
the handsome genius

who never achieved
his full potential.

Yeah, you're just like
Good Will Hunting,

except you never got the girl
and you're a complete failure.

I'm a fucking genius.

I'm the only one out of this
group who passed math. Honors 2.

You know, the only reason why
I still work with you jerks

is I'm waiting
for one of you guys

to give me the Affleck
speech that you'll kill me

if I haven't moved away
and achieved my full potential.

No one's giving you
that speech, pal.

Hey, Jeff, remember the last
time you fucked your sister?

Jesus Christ,
she wasn't my sister.

- Did your dad marry her mom?
- Yes.

And your parents
had another kid,

so your brother and her brother
are the exact same dude.

- Yeah.
- Then you, my friend,

- are a sister-fucker.
- Mm-hmm.

You are a fucker
of the sister.

My dad met her mom after
Danielle and I started dating.

- And...
- And then we broke up

- after they got married.
- Did you have sex with her

while your parents
were together?

- Once.
- [all] Sister-fucker.

[squeals]

Was that Danielle?

- Yeah.
- Yup.

She's probably
looking for her brother.

- Ew.
- Creepy.

No, no.

Okay, I hate this.
Officially hate this.

I'm not-- I'm not gonna
stay for the whole thing.

What are you talking about?

I'm talking about the fact
that this feels like

my, "Hey, Amy, you turned
into a huge loser" party.

You look amazing.

You make a good living.
You have a great life.

Okay, Claire, I starred
in every single play

in high school, okay?

Everyone expected me
to be the famous one.

Remember when I was scouted
by a top LA manager.

Yeah, you did
background work

on a Steven Seagal movie
that shot here

and his agent tried
to screw you.

- Ooh.
- Scouted? Bit of a stretch.

Tomato, tomahto.
Also, you're a bitch.

Tell me, do you or do you not
think that everyone

expected me to be the
famous one from our class?

Okay, fuck off.

Hey, okay, look,
look, just stand beside me.

No one will even notice you.

Well, I think that we're all
doing something different

than we thought we'd be doing
in high school.

I sell insurance.

I'm lame.
I actually suck.

This is gonna be
an entire night

of "What in sweet hell
happened to her?"

Is it me or is, like,
everyone in our class

starting to look old?

I don't know.
Adam Pi looks pretty good.

You know what they say
about a man

with a big bank account.

- You sound like a hooker.
- I've been called worse.

Remember this shithead?
Fucking Pi.

I can't believe
he makes more money in one year

than we will
in our lifetimes combined.

Who woulda thought
computers woulda caught on?

I know, what an idiot, right?

Right? I mean, yeah,
he's a millionaire now,

but at what cost?

The only thing he fucked
in high school was his hand,

and I heard it didn't even
go past second base.

Billionaire.

He's now a multi-billionaire,

and you would be surprised
at what this hand

let me do to her
in high school.

A complete slut.
She had like no self-respect.

It's okay.
That was a long time ago.

I'd be upset if any of it
wasn't true.

Let me buy you guys
a drink.

Uh, we should
buy you a drink

'cause we were
complete assholes.

I personally blame
the sister-fucker.

Really lowers the bar
for this group.

Hey, guys, I just pissed
all over the toilet paper.

What if someone's
gotta go, dude?

Yeah, let's hope.

Is it possible that guy
hasn't even left high school?

I feel like I had this
conversation 20 years ago.

What a piece of shit.

[chatter]

What in the fuck?

I'm-- I'm sorry,
I-- I--

Why don't you watch
where the hell you're going,

Shits-his-pantsky?

[urinating]

Hey how much
for your pants?

- What's with the pants?
- Uh...

I thought everybody
was wearing '90s stuff.

[laughs]

[laughs awkwardly]

So, what have you
been up to, John?

I'm a cop.

Okay, so you're not

beating people up
these days.

I'm required by law
to be a little more selective

than I used to be.

Why don't I buy
everybody a drink?

As a matter of fact,
drinks are on me

for the rest of the night.

- [cheering]
- Yay, Adam.

- [music playing]
- [all chanting] Adam! Adam!

- Here come more drinks.
- [cheers]

[chattering]

[whispering]

This party's about to get lit.

♪ Go, go, go, go ♪

♪ Go, go, go, go ♪

♪ Go, go, go, go ♪

♪ Go, go, go ♪

♪ Yeah, mic check one, two ♪

♪ Come through with smoke
blowing up out of the sunroof ♪

♪ There's not a lot of things
that I won't do ♪

♪ When I'm doing everything
that I want to ♪

♪ Handsome, checking account
for fish waggin' ♪

♪ Dancing made with satin ♪

♪ And you can't touch this
dancing, young Ted Danson ♪

♪ They askin' if I can line up
a bit of Aspen ♪

♪ I cash in when they
come unfastened ♪

♪ It's something that cool
would never go out of fashion ♪

♪ You could bet your ass
on that sweet action ♪

♪ We rack it, then I serve it
up peace, stand for something ♪

♪ I'm in the game,
only do it to entertain ♪

♪ The only reason I'm
at the club is to get a bang ♪

♪ On everything,
getting heavy change ♪

♪ I'm in the pain, gettin'
bank, switching lanes, uh ♪

♪ We don't care what y'all say,
care what y'all say ♪

♪ We don't care
what y'all say ♪

♪ We gonna do it all day,
do it all day ♪

♪ We gonna do it all day ♪

♪ We don't care what y'all say,
care what y'all say ♪

♪ We don't care
what y'all say ♪

♪ We gonna do it all day,
do it all day ♪

♪ We gonna do it all day ♪

[airhorn blows]

[cheering]

♪ We gonna do it all day ♪

♪ Dance at the party
as you pull the focus ♪

♪ Ask anybody, we swarm,
we're locusts ♪

♪ You see how crazy you look?
You're crazier than you look ♪

♪ Get on a roll, take a page
out of any book ♪

♪ Turn it up, uh,
till you're burnin' up ♪

♪ Turn it up, yeah,
are you burnin' up? ♪

♪ Turn it up, uh,
till you're burnin' up ♪

♪ Going in the place where
the jam and the party's at ♪

♪ We don't care what y'all say,
care what y'all say ♪

♪ We don't care
what y'all say ♪

♪ We gonna do it all day,
do it all day ♪

♪ We gonna do it all day ♪

♪ We don't care what y'all say,
care what y'all say ♪

♪ We don't care
what y'all say ♪

♪ We gonna do it all day,
do it all day ♪

♪ We gonna do it all day. ♪

[airhorn blows]

[retching]

Are you gonna live?

You can't flush
the tub, sweetie.

[Adam] Whoa! Whoa, whoa,
whoa, whoa. Whoa.

- What the hell?
- What's going on? Where am I?

I just went to go
to the bathroom.

I think I came back
to the wrong room.

Easy.
Everybody calm down.

This guy tried
to rape me.

I did not try
to rape anyone.

Why are you naked?

I'm not naked. Underwear.
I have underwear.

What did you do
to my fucking hamster?

Watch your mouth!

But what did you do
to his fucking hamster?

Hey, sorry. I have no idea
how I got in that room

or anything about the hamster
or what he was--

Easy, Richard Gere.

Jenny found it. It was
in his little brother's room.

Those your boys?

Step boys.

Step sons.

Had a good time
last night, yeah?

Fuck, yeah.

I'd kill to do
high school again.

I was in the zone last night.

Don't you think it's weird
that we do high school

when we're 17 during
total hormonal confusion?

Nobody was in the right
frame of mind.

Nobody did high school
like they wanted to.

Speak for yourself.
I was the king in high school.

Chicks wanted to fuck me,
dudes wanted to be me.

I wish I could do it again.
I would do it so differently.

What if you could?

- Would you?
- What do you mean?

What if we did high school
all over again?

Like, what if we got
all our teachers together,

everybody from our class,
and we did it again,

but for, like, a month?

[scoffs] For starters,
I got a mortgage to pay.

What if money
was no issue?

What if I gave you
the same amount of money

you'd make landscaping?

[chuckles]
You're crazy, you know that?

What if I gave you
one year's salary

for one month of your time?

One more month
of high school?

Are you serious?

This is a great idea.

Bad idea.
Last night was a bad idea.

That reunion, it sucked
more than high school did.

Remember in 12th grade
when you passed out

and Trevor drew a dick
on your face?

You're right,
that was worse.

Kinda the same.

No, he's right.
That was way worse.

[both]
No, no, kinda the same.

Son of a bitch.

Fuck.

Wait, this is when
you guys tell me?

Now, at breakfast?

Didn't want you
to be uncomfortable.

[stammers]
His fault.

The entire grad class
for one month?

What about teachers?

Yes, all of the old teachers,
everyone from our class,

just like it was.

You're some sort
of school board rep, yeah?

Deputy superintendent.

Okay, so, you can get clearance,
draw up the legal paperwork.

One year's salary for one more
month of high school.

It's your chance
to be valedictorian.

Well, it should have been mine
in the first place.

I had better grades,
I was in way more activities,

I just--
[sighs]

What are the terms
and conditions?

[Adam] One more crack
at doing the things

you'd have done then
using what you know now.

- The ultimate do-over.
- Uh-huh.

- So, what do you say, Steve?
- [groaning]

High school again?
How much?

- Hello?
- Hello?

- Hello?
- What's up?

- What's up?
- [both] Whassap?

Back to what?
Back to school?

That's right.
Same classes, same teachers.

Is everyone gonna be there?

That goes over there.

Do we have to go
every day?

One more chance
to do high school

the way you wish
you would've done it.

I'm a single mom. I don't
have time to do homework.

Okay, okay, what you're saying
is you invented time travel.

We're not actually time traveling.

What exists now still exists.

I can't just surgically redo
my hymen, Adam.

It's ripped to shreds.

Everything will be pants on,
so nobody will notice.

It it supposed to be, like,
we're dating

who we were dating, too, or...?

Okay, but I'm not giving
Steve Probyn a hand job again.

- [Adam] Steve?
- Yeah.

I'm gonna buy
an old sports almanac...

- What, no--
- ...bet on some old games.

And I'm gonna
be a gajillionaire.

Fuck, yeah!
I'm in.

I'm in 110%.

- Boo-yah.
- I'm in.

I'm going back to high school.

- Okay.
- Yeah.

[laughs]
It's a-- oh, I have to go.

It's not a DeLorean
and 1.21 "Jigawatts,"

but it is my chance
to go back to the future.

I'm going back to school, Mom.
Fuck you.

- This is a bad idea.
- [indistinct game noises]

It's a very bad idea.

You said the same thing
about touchscreens.

Well, yeah, for people
who use their phones

primarily for work.
You know, email, texting.

There's no tactile feedback.

Is everything not inevitably
shifting to voice command?

With devices moving
from external to wearable,

or even internal modes
of functionality.

Yes, and yes. We should get
these guys jobs in R&D.

Adam, we've got a huge
product launch coming up.

If we take a month off now
to go back to school,

we're gonna be asking
these guys for jobs.

[all groan]

What about your public image?

We'll get people to sign
nondisclosure agreements.

Come on, isn't there one thing
you wish you'd done differently?

[scoffs]

Not shit myself?

Why is this
so important to you?

I mean, you already
have everything.

If you want Darcie Williams,
you can do it now present day,

without going
back to high school.

[Betty] Front door.

Look, you said it yourself,
I have everything.

But positive memories
of high school, okay?

I just want to put the "cool"
in "high school," just once.

Andy and Dennis are in.

I promised myself
when I was little

I would lose my virginity
in high school.

I will not fail.

Virginity doesn't
grow back, Andy.

Once you lose it,
you lose it.

Oh, Andy.

[Betty]
Your guests have arrived.

[music playing]

Well, gentlemen,
let's start rewriting history.

So, the agency
made everything clear.

You want us to watch you
play video games.

And cheer you on
enthusiastically.

Touching's okay, but no sex.

With each other is okay.

No, no sex.

We just want you to appreciate
our beast mode skills.

But you know that
the price is the same

whether or not
you have sex with us, right?

Just as requested, please.

I know, it's weird.
Less judgy eyes.

We came up with this
when we were 14.

Are you guys sure
this is okay?

Oh, yeah, this is
actually way sexier.

Totally.

I could seriously crush
some noodles right now.

Marry me.

So, are you in?

Do we have to date the same
girls we dated in high school?

Get to, have to, want to.
What's the difference?

[laughs, sighs]

You guys know
this is pathetic, right?

This is so desperate.

Your dad seems to think
that it's--

Hey, Trevor is not my dad.

Trevor is my mom's mistake.

Wow.

You know I can
hear you, right?

That's a relief.

I was worried I wasn't
saying it loud enough.

All right, you two.
That's enough.

So?
Can we get the time off work?

I was gonna have to lay you two
off since it's the slow season.

But I told Adam that we make
twice as much as we do.

Didn't even phase him.

- Trevor.
- What?

It's not like
he can't afford it.

We are back, boys!

Grad '97!

- [school bell rings]
- Whoo!

[sighs]

You showed up to the first day
of school in a DeLorean?

- Too much?
- Too much.

You, uh, gonna change
those clothes?

Where we're going,
we don't need clothes.

What?

You are my density.

1.21 "Jigawatts"!
1.21 "Jigawatts"!

Greg! Greg, wait up!

- Excuse me, coming through.
- Excuse me.

What have you done?

Trust me,
this is gonna be amazing.

Hey, guys.

You excited or nervous
for the first day?

[stammers]
Yeah.

[whispers]
Pull your shit together.

Oh, hey, honey.

God, you are so humiliating.

Don't you think it's crazy

how I have a daughter
in the same grade as me?

Well, as us.
It's weird, right?

That's a great outfit.

Thanks, I went
back-to-school shopping

and it felt like old times.

That's what she said, heh.

Anyway, um, thanks.

I have seen you in rooms

with some of the most
powerful leaders in the world.

I've listened through
walls of lavish hotels

while you've had mad, crazy,
tantric sex with supermodels.

But ten seconds
with Darcie Williams,

you just fall to pieces.

- [bell rings]
- Hey, excuse me.

Yeah.

Yo.

Ooh.

It is killing me that I don't
remember who you are.

But I don't think
you can sit there.

That's for Mr. Wagner.

But I'd be more than happy
to treat my desk as a bunk bed.

You want top or bottom?

Mr. Wagner was my father.

Unfortunately,
he could not be here,

so Miss Russell asked
if I would take his place.

That's bullshit.
Come on, Pi.

You said we're gonna
do this "100%."

Yeah, what is your dad doing
that's so important

he couldn't be here today?

That is so like him.

He was always such a cunt.

He died.
Leukemia.

Gotta be honest, dude.
That's a legit reason.

We're sorry for your loss.
Your father was a great man.

Thank you.

Now, does everybody
want to open their books

and turn to page 12, please?

- [both laugh]
- You're kidding, right?

I'm sorry, is there a problem?

No, no, no problem.

So, you want us to take classes,
like, for real?

That's kind of
how school works.

Guys, it's gotta be
the whole deal or no deal.

Excuse me, can you
please sit down?

I'm sorry.
I'm Adam Pi.

I know who you are, Adam.

I have your name in my list.

[all] Ooh.

Now, if you don't mind,
I would like to get back

to teaching my students
about the Civil Rights movement.

- Hi.
- Hey.

You, uh--
you look incredible.

Thanks.
So do you.

Hey, having my brother
and sister here

- in their late 30s.
- Uh, um, just-- no.

Whatever.
I just don't want anyone

to know we're related,
all right?

This is my senior year.

I don't need you two
screwing it up.

- Does he know that we used to--
- No.

No, we promised Dad we would
never speak of it again.

Uh, okay, so we promised
your dad.

- My dad.
- Because when you say "Dad,"

- it's weird, yeah.
- Weird.

- Hey.
- Hey.

You know you can't
sit here, right?

You know you're not too big

for a spanking, right?

Why are you doing this?

Don't you think you already
wrecked my life enough?

Shouldn't you guys
be eating

in the teacher's lounge
or something?

Is that supposed
to make us feel old?

You do know that I'm
in better shape at 37

than you are at 17.

They're called salads, ladies.
Try one.

God, you guys are so cute.

You think you know everything?

You think you know how
to disassemble someone

with hurtful words?

Darlings, we've got 20 more
years experience than you.

Try us, twats.

[laughs]

Oh, you think it's funny.

We got a cutie on our hands.

You think we're comedians?

Look, I want to tell you
something.

I've been thinking about it.

[whispers indistinctly]

- [sobbing]
- Wait, Emma.

Oh, my God, this cutie
thinks she rules this school.

You are clearly not worthy.

[mouths]
I hate you.

Don't forget to change
your pad, sweetie.

Erin! Erin!
Uh, Ms. Wegner, wait.

Mr. Pi, how can I help you?

[phone chimes]

- Is that the Synrnote app?
- It is.

I kinda created that.

So you realize that beep
means I'm late for something.

Actually, you can make that
a beep or a vibration or a--

right, sorry, I just
wanted to apologize for--

- Mr. Pi, I'm sorry...
- Adam, Adam.

...for snapping
on you earlier.

I just-- I've never
taught a class

where I was
the youngest in the room

and I felt I needed
to assert myself.

Look, you paid us
a lot of money

and I want to make sure
the experience

is as authentic
as you'd asked

and make it as high school
as possible for you.

- [phone rings]
- [stammers]

Hi.

I am feeling socially awkward,

insecure, and a little weird
about everything.

Just like high school.
[chuckles]

[quiet chatter]

[phone chimes]

[all phones chime]

[laughter]

- Uh-oh.
- Shit.

- [class] Oh!
- Yes!

- [student] Wow.
- [school bell rings]

For those of you
who don't remember,

I am Mr. Payne.

Welcome to...

Sex Ed!

[laughter]

- [wolf whistle]
- [scattered applause]

[Mr. Payne]
Quiet!

Today we're discussing
the reproductive gland.

Anyone want to come up
and identify

parts of the female anatomy?

- [quiet laughter]
- Mr. Jackson? Thank you.

Sure.
I can come up there.

[laughter]

You think you're
very funny, Mr. Jackson.

Can you please identify
the interior labia commissures?

No need, Mr., Payne.

I'm gonna show you
everything you need to know.

This is for Mondays
through Fridays.

This is for weekends, holidays,

and special occasions, yeah.

Spoken like someone who never
truly satisfied a lover.

- [class] Ooh.
- [woman] That's true.

Mr. Pi?

Oh, this'll be good.

[class] Ooh.

[laughs]
You're not even close.

You can't locate the
interior labial commissure

from the backside.

Actually, it's the best way
to identify

the interior labial commissure.

In fact, you can identify
most of the female anatomy

comfortably and effectively
from this position.

It's been my experience
the best place to start

is with the labia majora,

drifting attention
towards the labia minora.

Excuse me, some of us
are actually trying

to learn something here.

Shut it, princess.
We are learning.

Yeah, Adam, don't stop, okay?

Just keep going, going,
going, going.

Mr. Pi, but...

what can you tell us
about the male anatomy?

Tons. Nobody's touched
his wiener more than he has.

[class]
Oh.

Pleasure is a two-way street
and knowledge is key, Mr. Payne.

I can show you how to access
the seminal vesicles

via the rectum without
upsetting the vas deferens.

Oh, you cheeky monkey.

[class bell rings]

I have to say,
I am impressed.

Well, I mean, I could give you
some private lessons sometime.

[laughs] Maybe I'll
take you up on that.

Yeah, totally.

Okay, well,
I'll see you later?

Uh, what are you doing?
It's your chance.

No, it's not
the right time.

- It's not the right time.
- Oh. Pussy.

Hey, Darcie, wait up!

- Hey, what's up?
- Hey.

I was wondering if maybe
you wanted to go out sometime?

Like, just as friends?

Yeah. Yeah,
I would like that.

I'll see you later.

"Just as friends"?
Come on.

Let's remember the important
part of the conversation.

I have a date
with Darcie Williams.

[Claire]
Oh, my God.

Do you know what
I've been thinking about?

What I'm gonna do
after high school.

Am I gonna go to college?
I don't know.

Am I gonna go to Europe
for two years

and finally find myself?

You know we're only doing this
for a month, right?

Seriously, don't you feel
like this is our second shot

at, "What do you want to be
when you grow up"?

What do you want to be?

I'm pretty sure that having
Jessica in high school

dictated my path,
like, a long time ago.

No, it didn't, okay?

This is a second chance.

Are you or are you not
going out with Pi tonight?

Oh, my God, I haven't
been on a date in ages.

I'm not even sure
what this is.

Oh, my God, shut up.

Shut the hell up.

You and your post-pregancy
huge vagina need this, okay?

Take this opportunity.

Okay, I was full lying.

Do you know if you do
enough kegels,

your vagina can literally
play with itself, hands-free,

like a Bluetooth
for your vagina?

I've literally
been touching myself

hands free
since I got here.

Oh, no, I'm gonna orgasm
right now,

in like two seconds.
Oh, my God.

This is so awkward for you
but it's so good for me.

Oh, my God, watch me.

Oh, my God, watch my pants.
They're gonna get so wet.

- Oh, no.
- Day drinking.

- No. No.
- Perfect.

So it's safe to assume
you're too drunk

to take me
to soccer tryouts?

I've had
half a glass of wine.

- You are so pathetic.
- My God, I'm gonna pass out.

Oh, my God,
I'm thinking about you and Adam.

Oh, no. Oh, no. Pi!

- [groans]
- [laughs]

- Oh, my God.
- [car horn honks]

Whatever.
Trent's taking me anyways.

I don't know what she said.

But I'm gonna need
an extra pair of sweatpants.

No, it'll do all of that,
but, I mean, basically,

it's similar to what
you know, but it's also--

[Trevor]
Hey nerds!

- What are you doing?
- Adam has a new prototype

that will revolutionize
the smartphone.

We're gonna test out
a few of the game apps.

Can we see it?

No, no, it's a prototype.

I mean, these guys
had to sign

non-disclosure agreements
to see it.

Can I see it?

Don't get me wrong,
I love Greg,

and he's been my best friend
since I was four years old,

but that giant stick
up his ass is so obvious,

he's often mistaken
for a fudge-icle.

Hey, dickhead.
Give me the phone.

Y-you can't.
What if somebody sees it?

Don't be such a pussy,
Shits-his-pantsky.

Yeah, Shits-his-pantsky, heh.

Seriously,
if this gets leaked--

Seriously, don't worry about it.
Guys, give it a try.

Whoo-hoo.
Lesbians.

[music playing from phone]

All right, what do I know?
I'm just Shits-his-pantsky.

[women moaning on phone]

Play threesomes.

[moaning continues]

Oh.

Yeah.

Oh.

[Clark]
Nice.

[women continue moaning]

- Yeah.
- Ahem.

Real mature.

This is the life you
were missing 20 years ago?

Erin-- Ms. Wegner,
what are you doing here?

We got an anonymous call

that our students
were smoking marijuana...

It's medicinal.

- ...on school property...
- Pfft.

...and now I walk by
to see porn being projected

on the high school wall.

While you may be
high school students,

you're still adults
in real life,

and doing drugs and watching
porn at a place for children

is still generally frowned
upon by most of society.

What are you gonna do, Erin,
give us all detentions?

Well, unfortunately,
protocol would be

to contact the police
where, if convicted,

you could face
some serious jail time.

- Whatever, NARC.
- Projector, off.

I am--
I am so sorry about that.

Can I ask why
you're doing this?

Because if it's just to relive
some teenage hormonal fantasy,

that's pretty pathetic.

I-- I just feel like
I missed out on high school.

Adam, how many of your grad
class are billionaires?

None. Unless you count me,
okay, then one.

And how long have you
and Greg been best friends?

My whole life.

And you spend your days
doing what you love,

- I presume, with him.
- Yeah, it's amazing.

So, why are you
doing this again?

Well, I hope
you find it this time,

because those who ignore history
are doomed to repeat it.

It's not just a dorky way
of saying come to class.

See you Monday, Adam.

Is it just me
or does anybody else

hear Van Halen's
"Hot for Teacher" right now?

[laughs]

[music playing]

Fast food at the point.

Now this really does
feel like high school.

Totally.

Who am I kidding?
I have never been here.

- Seriously?
- Yeah.

Oh, I was here
every weekend in high school.

Okay,
easy on the judgy eyes.

I can't believe
I am here with you.

You know, I think
I saw you on TV last year.

You were having dinner
at the White House.

That was not as cool.

You're telling me
that you think it's cooler

hanging out with me
here at the point

than waltzing
with the First Lady.

You're the prom queen.

I don't think the First Lady

can boast such an honor.

I didn't even go
to our prom.

You gave a whole entire village
in Africa clean water.

Who cares about prom?

Everything that seemed
important in high school,

it just--
it doesn't matter anymore.

You're right.

But it does feel really nice
to be on a date again.

Is that what we're doing?

Well, yeah.

Right?

[music playing]

So, are we, like,
going out now, or...?

[giggles]
I guess.

[bell rings]

[laughter, chatter]

[school bell rings]

You've put the "heaven"
in thirty "su-heaven."

What are they doing here?

Hey!

Wow, I love your...

Really?

What?

[woman]
It's a blast from the past.

[clicks mouse]

[women cheering]

[shouting indistinctly]

- [cheering]
- Oh, no!

Oh, no! Oh, no!

Yes!

Whoo!

[Trevor] Where are you going,
Shits-his-pantsky?

Shit your pants again?
[imitates farting sounds]

Hey, hey, hey.

Where are you going?

Uh, hotel,
put some work in.

You're ditching?

Well, yeah, I got
a text this morning

that someone leaked photos
of the prototype phone

that you were showing off
the other day, so...

- Is it serious?
- I don't know yet.

Come on, man, there's
already been, like,

a kajillion rumors
about this thing.

A, "kajillion" isn't a word,

and, B, this is
getting ridiculous.

- I'm done.
- You can't quit.

You don't get the money
if you quit.

Are you seriously being
an ass monkey right now?

You think I care
about the money?

Okay--
I didn't mean it, okay?

I promise, I'll take care
of everything I screwed up.

You shouldn't be
cleaning up my mess.

I just-- I really
need you tonight.

You got enough new friends.

I'm sure they can help you
with whatever--

No, no, no, no.
I need you, okay?

We've been invited
to the car rally.

We hate car rallies.

No, we hated car rallies
'cause we were never invited.

Well, we've been invited now,
so they're cool.

We're cool.

You know, you sound
like an idiot.

You're arguably
the smartest man on the planet,

and you're starting to talk
like a 14-year-old girl.

Nuh-uh.

Look, you know you're
my best friend, right?

Okay, I can't do this
without you.

You know
that's true, right?

Come on.

Hey!

You can be my wingman
anytime.

Bullshit.
You can be mine.

He'd be my wingman, right?

He'd be-- yeah,
he'd be my wingman.

[music playing]

- What are you doing, man?
- Stretching.

Yeah, you should do it, too.
You'll regret it if you don't.

You look gay.

Dude, you can't make
that joke anymore.

Yeah, that's true.
Everyone's

a little gay nowadays.
Don't be ignorant.

Do you guys know
how hard it is

to parent someone
in the same grade as you?

Can one of you guys
help me with my life?

What's this for?

- I'm auditioning for--
- Porn.

Not for porn, for a play.

I mean, she hasn't called,
she hasn't e-mailed.

She hasn't even texted.

Why are you freaking out?
Aren't you ready

for a little you time?

I don't know.
I just didn't think me time

- would feel this lonely.
- Thanks a lot.

Okay, come on.
You know what I mean.

I think you need to act
a little less lonely.

Try working on it.

Seriously, can you put
Mom Darcie to bed

and bring out fun Darcie
for a little while?

- Like, please?
- Please?

Pretty, pretty,
pretty, pretty please?

Okay, fine.
Beer me.

- Yes.
- Yes!

- Yo, yo, yo, Pi.
- Yeah?

- You're with us, yeah?
- Yeah.

Okay.

Yeah.

[Trevor]
Listen up, everyone!

You know how this goes.

Sarah's got the lists.

Steve Probyn's parents
are gone for the weekend,

so he has graciously
let us use his place

for the final tally
and party.

[cheering]

Just like old times, people.

On your mark...

get set...

go!

♪ I'm on eleven,
I'm on eleven ♪

♪ Ha, I'm on eleven,
I'm on eleven ♪

♪ Ha, I'm on eleven,
I'm on eleven ♪

♪ Ha, I'm on eleven ♪

♪ You hear the bell ringin',
sit your ass down ♪

♪ Pay attention, I'm the one
runnin' this class, clown ♪

You've got this.
Yes, you do.

You can do this.

- [phone chimes]
- Close enough.

♪ Gettin' turnt right
till it's going left ♪

♪ Goin' up
till we goin' down ♪

Hey, Steve, you know
that's not on the list.

Oh, I know.

I think this is
my dad's car.

Fuck him!

♪ I'm in the head
of the class ♪

♪ I'm always thinkin' ahead ♪

♪ I got my head
in the clouds ♪

♪ I'm always thinking ahead ♪

- This is a bad idea.
- Ugh, shut up, Greg.

Don't be such
a little bitch.

What if the owner comes back?

They're not gonna
come back.

- Okay, run, Greg.
- Why?

- Ooh, they're in the car!
- ♪ I'm on eleven ♪

♪ Ha, I'm on eleven,
I'm on eleven ♪

♪ Ha, I'm on eleven ♪

♪ My license to carry says
this dick is valid in Oregon ♪

♪ It was voted
varsity valedictorian ♪

♪ We graduated.
We're making... ♪

[women]
Thanks, Greg!

- [grunting]
- [Greg screams]

♪ Got no principles, sniffin'
blow in the handicap bathroom ♪

♪ With the school nurse
getting dope ♪

God damn, dude.

That's right.

♪ And ten's calling me
'cause I'm already on eleven ♪

♪ I'm at the head
of the class ♪

♪ I'm always thinkin' ahead ♪

♪ I got my head
in the class ♪

♪ I'm always thinking ahead ♪

♪ I'm at the head
of the class ♪

What's he taste like?

♪ I'm always thinking ahead ♪

Oh, she, what does she--?

Did you just panty raid
your own mom?

♪ I'm on eleven ♪

♪ Ha, I'm on eleven,
I'm on eleven ♪

Shh.

- ♪ Ha, I'm on eleven ♪
- Hello?

Hey, what the--?

- What happened to your shirt?
- Lost it.

- How?
- I don't know.

♪ Ha, I'm on eleven,
I'm on eleven ♪

Hey!
Aren't you a fuckin' cop?

[music playing]

[laughing]

[music continues]

- [music changes]
- What's up, Platoon?

[chatter]

I didn't know
how funny you are.

Me, too.
You killed it tonight.

Anytime I need
a copilot-- hey.

That's what
I'm gonna call you.

Anita Copilot.

- [laughs]
- Totally.

Sarah, do you have
the final tally?

[pages fluttering]

Well, I have the most
activities checked.

[laughs] Did you count
my bonus points?

- For teabagging a minor?
- Yes.

Eh? Yes?

You wrote in
your own bonus points.

That doesn't count.

- [woman] Give it to him!
- Give it to him.

- [cheering]
- The people have spoken.

Hey, I'd like to make a toast.

And I wasn't sure how
this whole high school thing

was gonna go, but the last
few weeks have been amazing.

So, let's raise a glass

to the guy who
made it all possible,

the man with a plan,
the coolest guy in school.

- To Adam.
- [cheering]

[crowd chanting] Adam! Adam!

So, tell me.
How does it feel

to be the most popular
guy in school?

I always thought
that was so sexy.

[cheering]

[Jessica]
Mom?

Oh, my God, ew!

What are you doing here?

I thought you weren't my mother
for an entire month.

That is not what I said.

Does your father
know you're here?

God, you are so humiliating.

Jessica, get back here.

[Jessica]
Whatever, slut.

Beer, Mr. Jackson?

No, tonight it's Trevor.

Whatever, Trevor.

Hey, Shawn, is it weird
to be at a party

with your older brother
and your older sister?

Whatever.

Yeah, bet you guys do
all kinds of things together.

Shut up, dick.

Thought you told my mom
you were studying

at a friend's house tonight.

I am.
This is my buddy Steve,

and tonight, we're studying.

First class-- alcohol
and the female anatomy.

Spoiler alert,
the answer is vagina.

[laughs sarcastically]

What are you doing?

I told Mom I'd text her
if I saw you.

What was that answer
again, "Vagina?"

- Vagina.
- Whatever you see tonight,

you didn't see.
Get it?

Oh, if those are
the rules, Trevor,

you want a toke
of some sweet bud?

Abso-fuckin'-lutely.

Whoo, let's
tear it up, fuckers!

[sobbing]

- Hey.
- Hey.

Did I use too much tongue?

No, gosh, you were--
you were fine.

I mean, you were--
you were great.

May I?

[sighs]
You all right?

Yeah, I'm fine.

Thank you for all of this.

Yeah, you look like you're
having the time of your life.

No, I mean it.
Thank you.

I've spent the last 20 years
looking back at these days

and just remembering
how amazing they were.

Something tells me
those aren't tears of joy

coming out of your face
right now.

Yeah, well, I did just
get reamed out

by my teenage daughter
at a house party

for acting like a slut.

- Ouch.
- Right?

She does
have a point, though.

I have been super
self-absorbed lately.

I think you're cool.

I mean,
you know that, right?

I'm always gonna
think you're cool.

Duh.

Hey, I know that
you and I have maybe

sorta started
something here,

but I really think
I've gotta pull back

and focus more
on my daughter.

After all, it is her
last year of high school,

and you and I both know
that isn't always easy.

Yeah, uh...

thanks for letting a nerd
date the coolest girl in school.

[laughs]
Thanks for letting a single mom

date a famous billionaire.

[chuckles]

Break up on three?

[both]
One, two, three.

I know it's not always
cool in high school

to be, you know,
friends with your ex...

I'm really glad
we got to know each other.

Thanks.

Okay, if I'm gonna focus
on being a better role model,

we should probably
get out of the bedroom.

Everyone knows,
at high school parties,

you only go to the bedroom
if you're trying to get laid.

[stammers]
Were we gonna have sex?

I don't--

- Jessica!
- Oh, my God.

Who is this? I thought
you were dating Trent.

This is Shawn, my friend.

Unlike you, I don't
feel the need

to make out with every
guy in high school.

I always thought this was
boyfriend material.

Your "friend"?

Is that why you're sneaking
into an empty bedroom?

What were you gonna
do in here?

What am I doing?
What are you doing?

Are you guys having sex?

- Ew, no.
- I'm not sure I'd use "ew."

Are you having sex?

Is that why
you two came in here?

Is this how you're planning
on losing your virginity?

Wait, you're still a virgin?
Sweet!

You two clearly have a lot of
shit to talk about, so...

Yeah, I think he's right.

Not about the virginity
thing, just...

[stammers]

...you guys clearly have
to figure out this between you.

[music playing]

[Steve] We all know the rules?
[chuckles]

- Oh, look at that.
- [woman] No.

And-- and, oh.

It wants to go there.

Are you guys
having a good time?

Why didn't we ever
get drunk in high school?

This is awesome.

I lost my shirt in the car.

Never mind, you know what?

I'm gonna get you
your shirt, okay?

Sweet.

Hey-- hey.

Hey, what are you guys
doing here?

Steve invited us.

Steve, did you invite
the teachers?

What?

- We should go.
- No, no, no, no, no.

I am glad you guys are here.

Uh, let me get
you guys a drink.

Erin, you made it!
[laughs]

Steve, Erin is one
of our teachers.

Fuck off, what?

There is no way.
I would've remembered you.

What were you, like,
seven years old?

What? Look at her.

Look, I promised the girls
a soda, okay?

I'll see you around.

Hey. Hey.

You're here.

No.
What the fuck is this?

- Huh?
- [laughing] You love it.

- No, I don't.
- You love it.

- I told you I don't. I don't.
- You love it.

- [scoffs]
- I--

[muttering] I knew
I shouldn't have come here.

[quiet knock]

- Hey.
- Hey.

- I can explain.
- Relax, I get it. House party.

All part of your big do-over.

How's it going, anyway?

Uh, pretty good.

When you have enough money
to rewrite history,

- what does that look like?
- What do you mean?

- I mean, are you cool now?
- Pretty much.

- Invited to all the parties?
- Yep.

- And everyone knows your name?
- Yeah.

Sometimes they even chant it.
Adam, Adam, Adam.

Did you make out
with all the hot chicks?

Well, I kinda just kissed
the hottest girl in the school,

or she kissed me,
I don't know.

It just felt so natural
I didn't--

[laughs]
That's not gonna work

'cause, um, we just
want different things.

We're better off as friends.

I don't understand
why you're trying so hard

not to be yourself.

A nerd? You think
it's cool to be a nerd?

I'm a nerd.

There's no way you have
ever been a nerd.

Why can you only "ran" through
a campsite, but never "run"?

[both]
Because it's past tents.

Okay, well, okay.
Shit, you are a nerd.

Okay, ah, maybe nerds
and popular people

just aren't
supposed to be together.

Maybe she just didn't like
the way you kiss.

What? No.

The movie
Revenge of the Nerds?

Nerds are great kissers.

When he wears
the Darth Vader mask.

- What?
- I don't think I've ever seen

Revenge of the Nerds.

[imitates Darth Vader breathing]

I know who Darth Vader is.

That doesn't help me remember
a movie I've never seen.

Okay, and you
call yourself a nerd.

And you call yourself
an incredible kisser.

I am.

- Really?
- Absolutely.

Prove it.

Oh, my God.
Not on me, weirdo.

Okay, I misread that.

- Yeah.
- [chuckles]

- [glass breaks]
- [woman shouts indistinctly]

Move. Please move.

Move.

- Hmm?
- Honey, let's go.

It's time to go, come on.
Let's go home.

Let's go. Get up now.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
Settle down.

What's happening here?

- Mind your own business.
- Easy, now.

I said mind your
own busi-- whoa!

[chanting]
Fight! Fight! Fight!

- Relax!
- Stop it!

[chanting stops, crowd groans]

[couple whispering]

Move, move!

- [grunts]
- [music stops abruptly]

- Oh, yes.
- Ooh.

[woman]
Oh, my God.

Dude, is that
your brother and sister?

[woman #2]
That is disgusting. Ew.

- Oh, God.
- Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

- Shawn, wait.
- [woman] What the hell?

[indistinct]

What happened
to the music, bitches?

- [music resumes]
- [cheering]

Where have you been? You're
missing one hell of a party.

Are you kidding me right now?

You've been here
the whole time, partying?

You didn't, for one second,
just stop to think,

"Where's Greg?
I wonder where Greg might be."

Not for one second?
You didn't think that at all?

Why are you being
such a dick?

Ow.

[chanting]
Fight! Fight! Fight! Fight!

[flatulence, defecates]

- [chanting stops]
- [flatulence]

[man] The return
of Shits-his-pantsky.

- That's so gross.
- [girls] Ew.

- [all groan]
- Oh, my God.

Fuckin' Pi.

It's a nice lineup
we got back here.

- How are you enjoying school?
- You wanna make out?

I'm actually really enjoying it.

I'm finding it interesting
this time around.

[Trevor] I'm finding you
interesting this time around.

What's my first name?

Parking Ticket.

'Cause you got fine
written all over you.

You're drunk.
It's not gonna happen, sorry.

Your loss. Girls like you
are a dime a dozen.

You know, they'll pretend
like you got all dressed up

to come here, be witty, and talk
about Middle East politics.

[scoffs]

Are we gonna fuck or what?

You're not mad, are ya?

- Shit.
- [quiet knock]

Fuck. Fuck, mother-- go away.

Motherfucker. Fucking idiot.

- Fuck!
- Greg, it's me. Let me in.

I said go away!

Just walk in.

My parents took the locks off
when I was 13.

I was jerking off too much.

They thought it'd stop me.

It didn't.

Holy shit!

Nice wiener.
Holy shit!

Is that shit in your pants?

[Greg] Fuck, Probyn,
get the fuck out!

[Steve]
Did Adam do this?

[Greg]
Get out!

He said he's gonna
need a minute.

[sighs]

- Greg.
- Look, let me go.

Where are you going,
Shit's-his-pansky?

I know you've had
a rough night, okay?

And I'm sorry.

You made me shit my pants.

How could I make you
shit your pants?

You know what?
It doesn't matter, I mean...

Fuck tonight.
It's not even about tonight.

This whole high school do-over,
it's been shit.

Some of it's been cool.

No, it hasn't been cool.

You're not cool.
You'll never be cool.

It's a joke.
You're a joke.

Hey, I thought we were
having a party.

Who wants to light off
some homemade fireworks?

- Fuck!
- Clear out!

- [fireworks popping]
- [screaming]

Will someone tell me
why those kids weren't arrested?

Because they're kids
and we're adults, dumbass.

Uh, legally, we're 17 this month.

You know that we're just
reliving 17, right?

We didn't actually turn 17.

Don't blame each other.
It's his fault.

Yeah, my life was going fine
until you pulled this stunt.

You offered us one year's
salary for one month.

Of course we said yes.
We're here for the money.

Come on, you guys.
We've been having a good time.

This is our chance
to make high school awesome.

You're the only one
that needed a do-over.

For the rest of us, high school
was pretty fucking awesome.

Partying, fucking,
and getting wasted.

You're the only one
that had to buy

a cool high school experience.

I call fail.

Nerd.

What a piece of shit.

We're still gonna vote
on valedictorian, though, right?

[buzzer sounds]

All right, dick heads,
let's go, let's go.

Hey.

You left
your phone at home.

Someone named Darcie
messaged you.

She said, "Stop asking,
it's not going to happen."

But Claire said
that she's "down syndrome."

I assume that's an autocorrect.

I untied Tyler,
by the way.

I found him crying
in the back yard.

Shit.

I knew we forgot something.

It was a joke.

I was gonna untie him later.

But you didn't.

I also received a video from Dan

that was very eye-opening.

The rest of your stuff
is in the front yard.

W-wait. What video?

Thanks for the time, Warden.

We are disappointed in you.

Dad, Mom,
I can explain.

You are grounded.

But I have school tomorrow.

No, no, no.
No more school for you.

- What?
- Get in the car.

Ow!

You know, you'll be sorry
when I move out!

[school bell rings]

I am sorry
about the other night.

Let's pretend
it didn't happen.

I'm your teacher.
We shouldn't.

Did anybody else
even show up?

As far as I know,
just you. And Sarah.

She's helping another teacher
for extra credit.

Fine, contract says
they have to finish

or they don't get paid.

I'm not sure any student
was getting paid anyway.

Did you read the contract?

Sarah drew it up.
She said it was really simple.

So, no.

It states that the grades
they get now replace

the grades they had.

Hardly anyone
did enough work to pass,

and that means,
A, they don't get paid,

and, B, technically speaking,
many of them

didn't-slash-won't
graduate high school.

That's not possible.
How is that even legal?

Your lawyers drew up
one hell of a contract.

My lawyers-- my lawyers
didn't draw up the contract.

Sarah works for
the Board of Education.

Wait, no, no, no, no, no.
How did she do?

- All As.
- Of course she did.

You gotta change
everybody's grades.

- Everybody gets As.
- I'm not doing that.

A D? I got a D?

You submitted an essay
based on temporal paradoxes

and inaccuracies in the movie
Back to the Future.

You asked for 500 words
on historical revisionism.

That classic trilogy
epitomizes the flaws in histor--

I don't think I like your tone.

You asked for 500 words
on historical revisionism.

I think we're done here.

You asked for an authentic.
high school experience,

and I would hate for that
to go sideways on you.

- Erin.
- Ms. Wagner, thank you.

Would you please take a seat?

- Ms. Wagner?
- I said take a seat.

[groans]

Ms. Wagner?

[solemn music playing]

Wayne Payne.

Friend, son...

teacher.

Wayne, in his final
will and testament

asked that the following
be recited.

It's a quote
from the Mahatma Gandhi.

"Live as if you will
die tomorrow.

Learn as if you will
live forever."

[blows didgeridoo]

I blame Pi.

Mr. Payne was an old dude
who should never have been

dragged out of retirement
for this high school thing.

Did you hear about us
all losing our diplomas?

What did you say?

Not only are we all
not getting paid,

this new grade
replaces our old grade.

What's this shit about us
losing our diplomas?

It's in the contract.

Our new grades
replace our old grades

on the permanent record.

Yeah, but the records
are permanent.

How do you change
permanent records?

I can't be a cop
without a 12th grade diploma.

What happens there?

What do I look like,
Wikipedia?

- Wika-what?
- John, I am so sorry.

[didgeridoo music continues]

Dennis? Andy?

Greg?

Come on, you guys know
everything I have done

has been with
good intentions.

What, now,
nobody's talking to me?

Sarah's the one
who screwed us over.

- She may have loaded the gun.
- You pulled the trigger.

Hey!
You all right, buddy?

[slaps back]
Hey, it's all good, buddy.

[snickering]

Look, what I'm saying is

is Biff can't go
back to the future, okay?

Because he just went
to the past

and he gave himself
a sports almanac.

So it's a different
timeline now.

That's all I'm saying.

But you know
what the real lie is?

The real lie is that you can
change your history, okay?

Your past is a series of scars
and ulcer-inducing moments

that are gonna haunt you
for the rest of your lives.

You know how you guys are,
like, real losers right now?

That's how it is forever.
That's it.

Look at this guy.
Nobody likes him, do they?

Of course they don't.
Look at him.

Who could like that?

Nobody likes you
in the future, either.

And they like you even less.

Yeah.
Look at you.

You clearly have zero friends.

You know what's interest--
you'll have less in the future.

Less than zero.

Guys, I'm not saying
you're not gonna be successful.

Okay? I'm just saying
if you're nerds now,

you're gonna be nerds forever.

So, good luck getting
anybody to ever love you,

let alone like you.

[phone beeps]

You're gonna die alone.

- What you makin'?
- A mess.

I think you're overreacting.

No, I've really screwed
things up this time.

- I meant the beaker.
- Ah!

High school sucks.

It's over and done.
Why go back?

'Cause I didn't
know anything back then.

And now you do.

[scoffs]

You realize that everything
that's ever happened to you

has made you who you are today.
You get that, right?

And your life today
is pretty amazing, no?

Not today-today.

So, everything that's
ever happened to you,

good or bad,
has made you who you are.

So you're saying
that every time

I was thrown
through a fence,

atomic wedgied,
or lit on fire,

that had a positive effect
on who I became?

Yeah, those things
sound pretty awful,

some even punishable by law.

But you survived, and they
helped shape your character.

And I happen to think
that character's

a pretty attractive
quality in a person.

So what you're saying is
you think I'm attractive?

- I did not say that.
- No, that's exactly

- what you said.
- I'm your teacher.

Okay, well, then,
you probably shouldn't kiss me.

Well, I'm not going to.

Well, then,
I'm not gonna kiss you.

- Great.
- Good.

Do you want to go to prom?

I can't, I'm chaperoning.

[groans]

Are we all really gonna fail?

Everyone quit,
so they get a zero.

Unless they take
the final exam and pass.

It's worth 70%
of the final grade.

Everybody hates me like
they did back in high school.

How am I gonna get them
to come to finals?

It doesn't matter
if they hate you or not.

Just be yourself.

I'm a nerd.
I make phones.

That's who I am.
That's all I know.

Anyone? Bueller?

Betty, open the contract
on the high school do-over.

[Betty] Opening
the do-over contract.

I think I got this.

So, technically speaking,
does the contract

say anything
about not being able

to use handheld devices
during the test?

[Betty] It doesn't,
but wouldn't that be cheating?

It's not cheating
if it's not in the contract.

[Betty] Confirmed,
smartphones are not

in the contract.

Thank you, Betty.
You're the best.

No, Adam, you're the best.

What?
"Innovation is the difference

between being a leader
and a follower." Steve Jobs.

I'm being innovative.

Less judgy eyes.

You made me shit my pants.

I know.

My pants, shit, you.

I didn't mean
to hit you so hard.

I'm only here
'cause of these two.

I'll take it.

My text said we also get awesome
new R&D jobs at your company,

but only if Greg
comes back, yes?

And if Greg doesn't come back?

[sighs]

You know you're better
than this, right?

I'm not.

You know that
better than anyone.

You know, you've been
an absolute dick,

and you owe me big time.

I know.

[laughs]

Shh.

Is this, like,
a company thing,

or just like a one-off?

We should start every day
with a hug fest.

Mm.

[Greg]
How are we gonna make sure

everyone has
all the right info,

all the right access
to all the right software?

What if everybody
wore earpieces

and I just
fed them the answers?

No, that would definitely
fall under cheating,

and the contract
is very explicit about that.

Maybe we should get some
naked girls to watch us think.

No touching,
just watch us think.

Get the creative juices flowing.

Sorry, guys.
That was a high school fantasy.

We've already done it.

Time for new dreams,
new fantasies.

[both sigh]

Maybe your new phone prototype
can come up with some ideas.

No.

That's it.

You'll lose millions.
Hundreds of millions.

It's perfect.

This came for you!
Is it drugs?

Drugs don't even
come like that.

- Do you--
- How do you know

how drugs come?

Breaking Bad!

Fuck you! Fuck you!

[overlapping shouting]

You're gonna fuckin' die.

I can't wait. I can't wait.

Bring it on.
Try your fuckin' best!

- [shouts indistinctly]
- How dare you?!

Aw, fuck it.

I thought the biggest mistakes
I made were in high school.

I won't try
to undo the mistakes

I've made in recent weeks,

as we all know
how that turns out.

Instead, I will offer you
no more than a promise

to learn from my mistakes.

That and this fully
pimped out phone.

Whoa, what?

It won't be officially released
until Christmas,

but I wanted to give it to you
as a special thank you

for trying to help me
fulfill a stupid fantasy.

It's been loaded
with the entire curriculum

of our 12th grade program,

and is permissible
to use in this test.

I know that many of you
don't want to see me

or your old school
ever again,

but if you want
to keep your grades,

or more importantly,
your diplomas,

this phone should help.

May this phone be with you.

Fuck!
What the fuck?

Mom! Dad!

Only three people have logged
into their phones so far.

Final exams are tomorrow.

Doesn't anybody
want their diploma?

I thought
with all this groveling,

we'd get everybody back.

Turns out, all I've done
is probably release the software

to the competition
a month early.

Yeah, well,
don't blame me.

That's on you,
and you know it.

You're right.
You're right.

I've gone against
everything we stand for,

everything
we've worked hard for.

Our company philosophy,
everything.

I turned my back on everyone,

just to impress
a bunch of people

we haven't seen
in 20 years.

I'm totally pathetic.

What should I do?

Come on, Greg,
what should I do?

Oh, you--
you want my advice?

Yeah, Greg,
what should I do?

Well, you need my advice?

Greg, don't make me beg, okay?

Why not?

Okay, I'm begging, okay?

Can you just tell me
what to do, please?

Okay.

Maybe they just need
someone popular

to help nudge them
in the right direction.

Are you thinking
what I'm thinking?

Depends what
you think I'm saying.

I love it
when he gets like this.

[snoring]

As discussed,
we lured him to the bar

with a fake booty call
text from Darcie.

- Then we roofied his beer.
- How long is this gonna take?

We gotta get him out of here
before my mom comes home.

- Not a problem.
- [buzzing]

Guys, maybe
we shouldn't do this.

- Yeah, you're probably right.
- [buzzing stops, resumes]

- Greg!
- Fuck it!

After a lifetime
of terrorizing us,

he deserves this, and a lot more.

Hey, I gave him a triple dose
of an extra strength laxative.

You'll want to be quick,
'cause he should shit himself

- any moment now.
- [buzzing stops, resumes]

- Done!
- [flatulence]

[sniffs]
Just in time.

[phone camera clicks]

I'll message him copies
of every one of these photos.

Tell him you'll send
one to the entire class

if even one person doesn't
show to that exam tomorrow.

Guys, shouldn't we
be better than this?

Absolutely.

We're going to hell.

[phone beeping]

Fuck!

Pi!

[school bell rings]

The test will likely take you
the full four hours,

but if you finish early,
please put your hand up

and I will collect your papers.

[music playing]

[music continues]

And, pencils down.

Sarah, it's time.

Sarah.

It's time.

[school bell rings]

Hey, where's Greg?

He says he's got something
to do and he'll be right back.

I guess that's that, huh?

So, everyone's
gonna graduate?

With better grades?

Adam!

Well, almost everyone.

Are you sure about these phones?

I swear, every
second answer was wrong.

Oh, God, this better not
affect my finals.

Okay, calm down, Sarah.
It's just high school.

"Just high school"?

That's funny coming from you.

If this thing doesn't work,
then I get a do-over.

Trust me, do-overs do not work.

[screams]

[grunts]
Get out of my way!

Pi!

You know how to trace a number
on one of these things?

Somebody hacked my phone.

The phone's unlisted.
It's not even on the market yet.

Thanks.

You really saved our asses
in there today.

- Don't thank me, thank Greg.
- Shipansky?

Don't you mean
Shits-his-pantsky?

No, zip it.

Shipansky.

Not funny when you
shit your pants.

Sorry, guys.

[grunts]

This sucks!

It's just like 20 years ago.

What a waste of time.

Look,
you're our best friend,

so don't take this
the wrong way.

If, in 20 years,
you're still here,

coming over to my house,
watching Patriots games,

doing construction work,

I'm gonna fuckin' kill ya.

What the fuck
are you talking about?

He's right.
Fuck you.

You don't owe it to yourself, man.
You owe it to me.

'Cause tomorrow I'm gonna
wake up, I'll be 50

and still be doing this shit.

You're sitting on
a winning lottery ticket,

and you're too much
of a pussy

to cash it in,
and that's bullshit.

'Cause I'd give fuckin' anything
to have what you got.

Any of these guys would.

It'd be an insult to us

if you're still here in 20 years.

Hanging' around here,

it's a fuckin'
waste of your time.

It's not your fault.

Yeah, I know.

- It's not your fault.
- I know.

Listen to me, son.

It's not your fault.

Yeah, I know.

It's not your fault.

I-- don't fuck with me,
Shawn, not you.

[sniffling]

[all] It's not your fault.
It's not your fault.

I'm sorry!
[sobbing]

- [phone chimes]
- Oh, God.

Oh.

See, I am smart!

Valedictorian.

You like apples?
You like apples?

How do you like them apples?

[sniffles]

Whoo!

What a piece of shit.

Jessica? Jessica!

- What is wrong?
- Why do you care?

Why do I care?
Because I'm your mother.

I will always care.

It's stupid.

What-- well,
you wouldn't be this upset

if it was that stupid.

Are you seriously
crying to your mommy?

Just leave me alone.

And why would she
need to do that?

Look, we just want different
things in life right now.

Is this a sex thing?

Are you kidding me?
I can't even get a hand job.

- Oh, yeah, well...
- [groans]

Mom, that was awesome.

I was always good
at giving hand jobs.

Yeah, you probably
shouldn't hit children.

Let's get out of here.

[honks]

- What's up, ladies?
- Hey.

[Trevor] Are you coming
to this grad dinner prom thing?

Pi's buying.
Food and drinks.

No, I'm gonna go home

and spend some time
with my daughter.

Come on, it's our
last day of freedom

to be who we truly are.

- [scoffs]
- You know, I figured out

who I truly am,
and I am a mom.

And I'm okay
with that.

- Ciao. Ladies.
- Wish I had a cool mom.

Thanks.

Oh, uh, hey, Amy.

Um, this is for you.

- What's this?
- I called my ex-husband,

and his aunt
is an agent in L. A.

And she said
she could help you out.

- Are you serious?
- Mm-hmm.

Thank you. Are you sure
you don't wanna come?

Yeah.
Yeah, positive.

- [truck engine starts]
- Bye.

Have fun!

For all the shitty stuff that
happened, you have to admit,

everybody kind of got what
they wanted, didn't they?

Aw, come on.
Are you trying to say

that this was your plan
the whole time?

Pfft, you got lucky.

Except, of course, you didn't
get to sleep with Darcie.

I mean, that was your plan
the whole time, right?

You wanted to hook up
with Trevor's girl.

I don't know,
I kind of like Erin.

The teacher? You're
in love with teacher?

What, are you five?

I don't know,
I just think she's kinda cool.

So, you don't want
to sleep with Darcie?

Like, not at all?

Darcie and I are better
just as friends.

She's actually really cool.

Well, it-- it's not Darcie,
but if you want to cross

the "Screw Trevor's Girl"
off your list,

I'll give you this.

I'm having sex with someone
who satisfies me.

Oh, no, that is--
that is awful.

Hi, Trevor.
It's Greg from school.

Okay, that's not right.

No, come on, nah,
that's a move

right out
of the "Kama Sutra."

I'm having
a lot of fun, Trevor.

This is so good, Trevor.

- Oh, the size...
- Okay, that's not--

What are you doing?

I can't believe I ever
put up with your small penis.

I'm just slightly
above average.

It's so big,

- even on his worst day...
- I'm just glad this whole

- ...he's 100 times better.
- ...high school thing is over.

Look, you were right
all along.

This was a bad idea
from the start.

What? No, no,
what are you talking about?

No, no, no, no.
Don't listen to me.

I'm an idiot.

Look, did you see
this video?

- Yeah, okay.
- No, come on,

we gotta do this
again next year.

And you know what?
I'm thinking maybe

we redo seventh grade.
You know what?

And, in ten years,
when we're 47-teen,

we do it again!

High school is awesome.

Happy graduation, nerds.

[laughter]

[girl]
Oh, look at the nerds.

[boy]
Nerds!

High school sucks.

[music playing]

- [school bell rings]
- [music changes]

So, you two dated

before Mom and Dad
even knew each other.

- Way before.
- Yes. And, in the end,

we were together
for way longer

- than they ever were.
- Way longer.

You know, this doesn't
change anything.

I'm still the guy
in high school

whose brother
fucks his sister.

Yeah, but nobody cares
about what people think

about in high school except
the people in high school.

This is gonna make for some
weird family dinners.

Do any
of the grandparents know?

Yes, but only because
all four of them

are biological siblings.

[snorts]

Not even close to funny.

Yeah, that was
pretty funny

No, not funny.
Seriously, not funny.

Oh, it was pretty funny.
Actually, also

for a while there,
I dated the family dog.

But that was more sexual
than anything else is.

Yeah, but you guys
are in love.

The sexual was the goat

'cause you guys were really
fucking for a while there.

And it was fun to watch,
a little bit,

but I got a bit jealous
sometimes.

So, if we don't care
what people in high school

think anymore,

did you want
to give this a shot?

No more
sneaking around?

[music resumes]

[microphone droans]