32 Pills: My Sister's Suicide (2017) - full transcript
She's beautiful, artistic, loved and can't stand to be alive. 32 PILLS traces the fascinating life and mental illness of my sister, New York artist and photographer Ruth Litoff, and my struggle to come to terms with her tragic suicide.
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Okay, this is Ruth Litoff's
photography
and a portrait of her sister.
Do you want to talk
about your sister?
I love my sister very much.
She's probably
the most important person to me
in the world.
So...
What are your plans
for the storage space?
What do you mean?
Um...
Are you gonna look
at the things?
When do you think
that you're gonna do that?
I don't like to remember things,
and I feel like
all the memories are in there.
Okay, we're gonna do it.
If I throw up on that lens,
are we covered?
- Yeah.
Are you worried that when I
start looking through
this stuff,
that I'm gonna go crazy?
I worry that you think
you're gonna go crazy.
You know Jane got me a space
in Brooklyn for three months.
That's good.
- Hi, I'm Hope.
- Chris.
Everyone in my
suicide bereavement group
has a storage space
that they can't unpack
of their dead person.
Are you the first person
to unpack her storage space?
I'm gonna be the first one.
Do you think that
this is gonna be helpful?
You feel compelled to do it?
I feel compelled to do it.
Clearing everything out?
Yeah.
It's been six years.
I feel like I've trapped her
in there...
but I think she's mad at me.
Why?
Because I was a bad sister.
How were you a bad sister?
You're kidding, right?
Not kidding?
No. I-I-I don't see
how you were a bad sister.
I didn't s...
From my perspective, she was
not the greatest sister
in the world.
But she was sick, and I wasn't.
Well, how were you a bad sister?
I didn't save her.
- I'll show you where it is.
- Okay.
This hallway feels like
an insane asylum.
In one of her
suicide notes, she said
she definitely wanted
her photographs
to be out in the world
being seen
and being enjoyed by people,
but I'm paralyzed.
I can't...
I can't give them up.
I just need my moment
with all of it.
Do you think that's the last...
- We decided one more trip.
One more trip? Okay.
Thank you.
I got everything.
Kids, you have everything
you need?
Mm-hmm.
- Ticket?
- Yeah.
Wallet, cell phone,
everything you need?
I got everything.
I'm gonna miss you guys,
but I'm gonna come
in two days.
Hug and a kiss. Let's go.
I don't wanna...
Okay.
Enough hugging and kissing.
Let's go.
All right, don't be late.
- Bye.
- Bye.
I love you. Safe travels.
- I'll miss you.
Love you guys.
Save some sand for me.
Bye, bye, guys.
See you later.
Bye.
Stuff was very important
to Ruth.
I mean, everything was
important to her,
and that's why
she saved everything.
I think, if I can look at
what was important to her,
I could get some answers.
Ambien...
Lamictal.
How many times
did she try to kill herself?
A lot.
Twenty?
"Dear sir/madam,
"I'm writing to you
regarding Ruth Litoff,
"who's a patient of mine.
"Ruth Litoff experiences
severe mood swings,
"severe depression,
and profound
suicidal ideation."
I would love to map out
what happened.
I can't ask my parents,
because they're both dead.
But I feel like Ruth's stuff
has clues in it.
Do you see that piece
right there?
Yeah.
What's really special about this
is this is the front...
but here's the secret message
to me.
The...
blowing of the bubbles, like,
maybe something we would do
as kids,
and then there's also sort of
foreshadowing of dying,
sort of when you would be
"forever dancing."
Growing up with
a mentally ill person,
it was a little bit like
comedy and tragedy.
It was such a confusing illness,
because she could be
so debilitated
and so magnificent.
When we were young,
I absolutely idolized her.
I wanted to be like her.
I wanted to dress like her.
I wanted to be able
to do art like her,
She was the master
of everything,
and I was her assistant.
I would sort the Lego pieces
and then she would build
the castle.
And I was so young.
I was, like...
She could've been a cult leader,
she was so charismatic.
We used to play
this really fun game
when my parents would go out.
She was three years older,
so she could babysit me,
and we would do everything
we weren't allowed to do
in the house,
which was not that many things.
We would eat ice cream in bed,
and every time the phone rang,
we would just pick it up
and scream into the receiver.
That was really fun.
She taught me how to draw.
This was a huge deal.
She taught me
how to draw a profile,
and I was the only kid
in the class
who knew how to draw a profile.
When she started
taking photographs
when we were really young,
my dad built her
a darkroom in the closet,
and she would stay in there
for hours
and she would print
the same photograph
over and over again,
and then she would show them
to me,
and it was almost like a test...
Which one of these
is the best one...
And I would really want to
get it right,
and then she would explain to me
why this one was better
than this one,
and it was really cool.
It was really cool
to have a sister like that.
In high school,
she was very popular.
She also had
a fabulous figure.
Captain of all the sports teams.
I would sit on her feet
so she could do 100 sit-ups
every night.
What was her title?
Like...
Like, she...
Wasn't she, like, the best shot
in the United States
of America under 13
or something?
- The best shot in America
for 16 and under
with a .22 rifle.
She was always gonna be
the winner.
Whatever contest
or competition or art project,
she was going to come in first.
I mean, there wasn't anything
she couldn't do.
That's what makes it
so hard to understand.
I never really feel pressure.
I never feel like
I have to do something
to prove myself.
I never have to prove myself.
But I think it would be
exciting,
I think, to start all over.
I sometimes wish I could just
wash the slate clean,
just start all over again.
Oh, here it is.
I found her on
December 12, 2008.
I got a call from
one of Ruth's best friends,
who said, "I haven't heard
from Ruth in three days,"
and I pretty much knew.
I remember,
guys were walking down the hall
with axes to break
the door down.
And then, the police let us in.
It sounds like
a strange thing to say,
but she had made it
as beautiful as one of
her photographs.
I saw her shoulder.
I didn't want to look at
her face.
I remember all of the
letters around.
There were notes everywhere,
and she tried to remember
all the people she loved
and left them presents.
There were Post-it notes
on things
saying what to do with them.
The police officer said to me,
"I've never seen anything
like this."
And then, there was my note.
It was...
loving,
kind,
even optimistic...
and in very small handwriting,
off to the side,
she wrote "I know you know,"
and I have no idea
what that means.
Are you trying to find
some sort of objective truth
about, uh...
About what happened,
or her life?
I mean, is that
what you're looking for?
Yes.
Why Ruth and not me?
Why was Ruth sick
and I wasn't sick?
We had the same parents.
My dad was very, sort of,
1950s, "Mad Men."
You know, you work hard,
you play hard,
you're not that involved
with the children.
My mom really got
the brunt of it.
Lots of drama.
Whatever mood Ruth was in
was the mood
the whole family
was gonna be in.
The message, very early on, was,
"Be on high alert,
"don't create any waves,
"don't upset your sister,
and don't make it worse."
We looked perfect
on the outside,
but we were rotting
on the inside.
I dealt with it
by disappearing
into drugs and alcohol.
Ruth dealt with it
by demanding more
and more and more,
and if she didn't get
what she wanted,
she would threaten
to kill herself.
Her first attempt...
She was 16 and I was 13,
and she begged me
to sleep in bed with her.
When we woke up,
I found out that she had
taken a bottle of pills.
What if I woke up
and my big sister was dead?
We were in the same bed,
and I didn't know.
Now that I've started
the project,
I don't sleep very well.
Thinking about my sister a lot.
Um...
I'm in a fight with my husband,
because he says
that I'm depressed,
but I think that I am
just grieving.
Think it's really hard
for him to understand.
He hasn't lost a parent.
He even has
a great-grandparent in her 90s.
I feel like he hasn't
even lost a hamster.
I feel like you enter a club
when one of your parents dies,
and until one of your parents
dies,
you don't know what it's like,
but when you enter
the suicide club
it's a very...
small club,
elite club.
"Elite" sounds almost positive,
but I don't mean it that way.
I'm just... mean that...
Uh, I don't...
I don't know if
civilians can get it.
Have you just
been coming here alone?
Yeah.
Wow, it's really big.
Oh, my God.
- A lot of stuff, right?
- A lot of pills.
Yeah.
That's crazy.
That's only from 1999
until she died in 2008.
How old was she
when she killed herself?
42.
Why would she save them all?
I think she wanted to...
I have two theories.
I think she wanted
to make an art project
out of them,
but I also think
she just wanted proof
as to how hard
she had been trying
to get well.
- And you did this?
- Yes.
What pills are they?
What are they?
Look at them.
Feel free.
Ambien...
That's a sleeping pill.
Dextrostat...
Lithium, I think,
is for bipolar disorder.
Dex... more dextrostat.
You should get rid of
all of these immediately.
Why do you think
I should get rid of them?
Because I don't think
you should have
the temptation to take them.
- I'm not.
This is just crazy.
Right?
And none of these helped her.
Zolpidem.
This is nuts.
- That's Ambien, too.
That's the generic name.
Holy shit.
Just throw them all out.
No, I can't throw them out.
This was her lifeline.
But you...
Being sober for 16 years,
I'm just,
as your lifelong friend,
scared for your well-being.
I'm not gonna take them.
Let me help you, however I can.
It's a lot of beautiful artwork.
- They're incredible, right?
- Yeah.
I mean, I always remember
being blown away.
So there's stuff
from every series here?
Yeah, and I don't know...
Did you ever see the kids?
These are some of
her earliest works.
I believe she started them
when she was 17.
- Oh, my God.
- Look at these kids.
Yeah, that's great.
So you don't know how she...
Where she went
to take these pictures?
She was brave.
She would walk
all over the city
and ask anyone
to take their photograph.
I mean, look at the portrait
of this kid...
Yeah.
It's almost like
you would want to say
he's on the verge of
losing his innocence,
but I would say
it's already lost.
I mean, I love this,
these two angry girls
with that huge smiley face.
"E.T. dies over overdose."
That's... ironic.
I mean, look how young they are.
They're babies.
I mean, look at those kids.
Yeah.
Right?
Yeah.
It's very Molly Ringwald.
Yeah.
She did so many
different styles.
You walk into that apartment,
and it was like
a candy store of art.
I mean, her...
Not only just her photographs
all over the place...
but she'd make these...
She'd have the little drawings
and she'd make these
little tchotchke things
that she'd put all over
the place,
sad and searching...
- Very fragile.
- But also very inspiring
and uplifting at the same time.
Come here.
It's so impressive to me
that Ruth was able
to feel the pain
and continue to be creative.
Many times, she would fall into
such a deep depression
that she would feel like
suicide was the only answer,
and then, when she woke up
in the hospital,
she felt much better,
and she was happy she was alive.
I can tell this one's
very delicate.
I think your sister drew this.
Did she draw this?
Mm-hmm.
I will be very gentle with it.
The sides of the pages
are yellow.
- What does that tell you?
- That it's very old.
- You really like that book?
- Yeah.
- Thank you.
- You're welcome, sweetie.
You can't go through
and read all of her journals.
Why not?
'Cause that's just crazy.
She left them for me to read.
If she didn't want
anyone to read them,
she would have thrown them away.
To tell you the truth,
I was so, like,
blacked out for everything,
and she took such precise notes
on what happened,
I'm finally looking
at what happened.
And why are you wanting
to look now?
Just want to
understand her more.
Do you know who made
this artwork right here?
No.
- Do you want to know?
- Yeah.
My sister.
Uh-huh.
Do you know her name?
- Ruth?
- Mm-hmm.
You know who made
that artwork right there?
Ruth?
You going to guess Ruth
for everything now?
Yeah.
- Who made this?
- Ruth.
And those pictures
are of my mother.
And you.
No, not me.
You're over there.
That's my mom in the window,
when she was a little girl.
My mother was very afraid
of her own mother,
our grandmother,
who we never met,
and her name was Ruth,
and my mother
named her first daughter Ruth,
which is a traditional thing
to do.
Then I come along,
and she names me Hope.
I'm named after her father,
who she adored.
When Ruthie was born,
she was a very demanding child,
very difficult child.
When you were born,
it was the total opposite.
Your mom had a very hard time.
She had a very hard time, and
I even recall
your mom telling me
about times when
she was taking her to the park,
and if she met a friend
in the street,
and wanted to stop and talk,
Ruthie would start to scream
and yell in the carriage.
Then mom would have to run.
Two different... completely
different... children from birth.
From birth.
And I remember
being a little kid,
not knowing anything
about mental illness,
or knowing that Ruth
was struggling
with any problems, and saying,
"Why does she
keep asking me if I love her?
I just told her yesterday."
She would ask me
over and over again,
and then she would often
give me these tests of love.
She would say, "If I die,
would you shave your head?"
We were just kids,
and I would say,
"Yes, I'll shave my head."
She would say, "If I die,
"will you take my ashes
"and mix them with clay
"and make me into a pot
and put flowers in
every day?"
And I would say,
"Yes, I'll do that."
That's what breaks my heart
the most.
When I see her friends,
they say, "You know,
your sister really loved you,"
and what I really want them
to say is
"Your sister knew that
you really loved her."
She wanted us to be twins,
have a secret language,
and at a certain age,
that started
to feel suffocating to me,
and I don't think she liked it
when I wanted to be
my own person.
That was taken as rejection,
when it... it really was
just normal growing up.
Were you sleeping?
I'm not sleeping.
- Can I have a kiss?
- Mm-hmm.
Ugh. That was a lick!
Okay, I just wanted
to know where you were.
I'm sorry.
Hi.
She's really afraid that
she's Ruth in the making,
and I'm terrified.
The doctor told me
when my children turn two,
that I was going to be
reminded of my sister,
because people who have
personality disorders
like Ruth's
and two-year-olds
have a lot of similarities.
I worry about their health,
I worry about their sanity,
their sobriety.
I feel like I gave them
a really bad hand of DNA.
Our children
don't have that problem.
Our two-year-old is not...
Have any mental issues.
She's two,
and I blame Ruth
for your concern about, like,
having to worry about that.
I'm sitting in our kitchen,
talking about how Ruth
affects how we parent our kids.
Like, I don't...
There's a genetic component.
Uh, I guess.
You never worried about it?
Whee!
Smiling!
It's Christmas Eve,
and I'm at my in-laws' house
in Los Angeles.
It's five days after
Ruth was buried,
six years ago.
Um...
To... this is always
a hard time for me,
and my...
2 1/2-year-old daughter...
Just out of the blue, she
decides to pronounce that
Mommy doesn't love her,
but Daddy loves her very much.
I don't know
if this is something that
a normal two-year-old says,
but it actually
really hurt my feelings.
Merry Christmas.
So it turns out,
I'm totally the crazy one.
The baby went down to the party
and she cried that
she wanted Mommy
to put her to bed,
and I said to her,
"No, you like Daddy,
not Mommy."
My husband got so mad at me.
He was like,
"You're the adult."
I couldn't help it
that my feelings
were really hurt.
My crazy makeup
isn't helping anything.
I look crazy, feel crazy.
But what kind of two-year-old
says,
"Mommy doesn't love me.
Only Daddy loves me."
Is that normal?
You knew Ruth in high school,
and now you're a therapist.
I just really want
to talk to an expert like you.
The biggest fear
that a lot of parents have is
"Am I going to inherit
you know,
these mental illnesses?
Is that going to happen
to my child?
Both: Like, is that going
to happen to my child?
- Right, that's a...
- Sarah, tell me...
- That's a big...
- Is gonna happen?
Well, if mental illness
exists in the family,
there is gonna be
a possible
genetic predisposition
to having the mental illness
be expressed in a child.
Can I ask you a question?
Was there any diagnosis
given to her
when she was going to therapy?
Very often, she was given
the diagnosis
of bipolar disorder.
- Okay.
But from what I've read
and my experiences,
she seems much more
borderline personality disorder.
- Mm-hmm, mm-hm.
- For example, like,
that seem to be
something missing in
feeling love and...
And holding onto that.
So borderlines
never, ever feel fulfilled.
It's chronically empty.
They're constantly trying to
figure out how to be fulfilled,
and they'll never get it.
My guess is that Ruth,
you know, during
the '80s and '90s,
that there was not enough
research done
right, on borderline,
so she probably
received the medication
that she need
to deal with the symptoms,
but then, there was no other
treatment that happened.
Since it's not just about
doing the medical treatment
to cure the symptoms.
It's also about doing
the further investigation
of the evolution of the family
as a unit.
Right.
Do you know the story
behind these albums?
- No.
- Ruth decided
she wanted to make
these photo albums.
My parents weren't necessarily
interested in having her do it,
but she made them pay her
to make them.
Yikes.
- That Ruth goes from
- Yeah. That.
My grandmother.
Literally my grandmother,
and then you turn the page,
and it's like, "Oh, whatever.
Nude picture of my boyfriend."
And these are the albums
she made for your parents.
Yes, that they had to pay for.
Ooh, Rolex shot.
It looks like my mom
is loving him,
but she's really loving...
- She's not.
- The Rolex.
- She's waiting for the watch.
She got it going on.
She knows what time it is.
She really, you know,
picked herself up, and...
your mother had a horrible
childhood.
I know.
My mom came from
a very poor family,
and I think that very early on,
she realized that
the way she looked
gave her some power.
With this power,
she was gonna get out of
her bad situation in Brooklyn
and looks became
very important to her.
My mom was always on a diet.
She was a lifetime member
of Weight Watchers.
If she gave us each
a piece of cake,
Ruth and I used to say,
"You gave her the smaller piece.
You love her more."
My mother's beauty
really did work in her favor.
She was a model
in the garment district,
and she married my father
and helped him build
his business
until she had
the Manhattan lifestyle
that she really wanted,
and then could give her children
the things that
she always wanted
to have herself.
And some of them
were a little superficial.
Like, she always wanted to have
blonde hair and blue eyes,
and then...
Well, like, in this picture,
for example,
this is totally... twisted.
She dyed my sister's hair
blond when she was five.
Oh, my God.
And there begins the problems.
It looks like
she liked this one a lot.
It's nice and mushy.
An adult with stuffed animals
was very her.
I don't know, it's like...
This is stuff... for babies.
It's just...
It's like, all this stuff...
Like, she was just
trying to be happy, like a kid.
I mean, look at this
Hello Kitty pencil case.
Come on.
She wrote her name
on the inside,
like a five-year-old.
I'm at a friend's house.
I don't know if everyone
does this,
or just drug addicts,
but I found this.
This is...
really making me want to
throw away 17 years of sobriety.
Around 14,
my girlfriends and I
snuck our first drink,
and I had
this amazing feeling of
"I don't know what's wrong
with me,
but this is the cure."
I was a blackout drinker...
and I have blackout memories.
I don't remember all the times
she tried to commit suicide.
I... I have memories of when
the police would arrive,
but I don't remember the order.
My dad was a heavy drinker.
I drank with him.
That was the only thing
I had in common
with my father.
That was not seen
as unusual in my house.
And he also introduced me
to Percocet,
and he would say to me,
"Want half a Percy, Ho pie?"
He would give me half a Percocet
and we would drink.
So many times,
Ruth would be in the hospital,
and he would say to me,
"Just be happy. Have a drink,"
and my mom would look at me
pleadingly
and say, "You're happy,
right?"
And I knew the only answer was
"Yes, Mommy, I'm happy."
You always did
pretend to be happy,
and I know why:
because your mother
had a full plate.
Ruthie took so much of
her energy and love.
There were so many times that
your mom rescued her.
I know there was one on a ledge.
Wasn't there one
that she got on a ledge?
Your mom had no life
and apparently,
Ruthie couldn't live in
the one we had, she had,
and I felt sad,
and I'm gonna cry.
But, she recovered
to make further attempts,
and, um...
I mean, she just couldn't find
her way in this world.
Hi, I was hoping I could
speak with Detective Cozzi.
You can sit out...
You can sit out and wait.
He'll probably come back.
That's about it.
- Thank you.
The woman in the records room
who found... who actually
did find the record
basically told me that
there was nothing else
I needed to know
and when I expressed
that I needed closure,
she recommended that I
seek out the Jehovah's Witnesses
and I was told to come back
at 12:00.
- Ruth Litoff?
- Yes, that's my sister.
- You're the one that...
- I requested the report.
Is that correct... the name?
- Yes.
- Okay, so here it is.
- It's right here?
- Yeah, it's the whole package.
- Thank you so much.
- You're welcome.
I really appreciate it.
What the detective told me
was really painful.
He said that
my sister died in pain,
and I shouldn't look in
the pictures.
I don't know...
I don't really know
how to deal with
my feelings about this.
It's very upsetting.
Thinking about drinking.
I mean, what's the big deal?
I got out of it before.
I just ordered
a double vodka on the rocks,
with two olives.
Thank you.
You're welcome.
Thank you.
First drink in 16 years.
Good or bad?
Bad.
What's that?
This is like her own version
of a Joseph Cornell box,
with little different
strange treasures
that mean something to her.
- Through Ruth's eye.
- What's this one?
I don't know.
Ooh, a Valium.
I wonder if it still works.
Look at this tiny baby.
- What's this?
- Ugh, an impaled baby.
I know she was very upset
about having had two abortions.
At around age 14,
Ruth was having sex.
She would just take
her boyfriend into her bedroom
and lock the door.
I wish my parents
had stopped her,
but they didn't...
and eventually,
she did get pregnant,
and she chose to have
an abortion.
Ruth's best friend's mother
was a producer on "20/20,"
and asked her to be on the show.
We start with a girl.
She lives in New York City,
where she's a high school senior
and a talented photographer.
When I was pregnant,
I really felt like
I had a responsibility
to my baby,
even though it was just...
It was just a fetus.
It wasn't really anything.
I always... you know,
I watched what I ate
and I just kind of
took care of it,
even though I knew that
it was gonna go away.
Of course, she wasn't ready
to have a baby...
She was just in high school...
But she never forgot about it,
either.
And I remember
when she had her abortion.
Did she continue thinking
about, like,
"Oh, if I had had that child"?
She just sort of
acknowledged that
her depression
was going to prevent her
from being able
to have children.
I realized
from looking at her journals
that that is
a huge disappointment for her,
which I never knew.
Hm.
She would sometimes
represent herself
as damaged goods
and then...
It might say something like
"forever fixed,"
and it'd be an image of her
holding a baby.
Babies, to her, were a symbol
of good health
and happiness, I think.
When my son, Charlie, was born,
she only had a chance
to meet him once.
And if she wasn't mentally ill,
she would've been
an amazing aunt.
She confided in me that she felt
very lost and alone.
My parents' failure
in being able to help fix her,
or heal her, I just think,
was too frustrating.
Mm-hmm.
For her to even,
sometimes, be around them,
I'm guessing.
I know your mom
loved her enormously,
but your dad, he...
He was pulling her down,
it seems like, always, and, um,
he... I mean, at one point,
she told me
she took a lot of pills
and she ended up
going to Bellevue,
and she told me
that your father said,
"Next time, jump."
It was hard.
God, it was hard being Ruth.
So yeah, there were
the emergency calls,
emergency dates.
Yeah, it was like being
a social worker.
It was a friend-social worker
relationship.
It had its rewards
and its perks, but it was...
It was hard to be Ruth,
it was hard to be near her,
and, um...
and it was also beautiful
at times.
Her great times
were pretty great.
Now, it wasn't like
she was just depressed
and alone with her cat.
Like, she had a lot of really
sparkling moments as well.
It was everything.
It was the whole...
You got the whole spectrum
with Ruth.
It's like a full
Shakespeare tragedy.
It was really fun in, like,
the '80s and the '90s,
I'd get a call from Ruth,
and she'd be like,
"It's time to do a photo shoot.
We haven't done
a photo shoot in a while,"
and I was like,
"Yeah, that's right!"
I mean, okay, so it was like,
teens, 20s.
Like, we both had great bodies,
um, and it was just, like,
time to celebrate them
and, like take off your clothes
and put on trench coats
and heels
and go on the roof
and take pictures,
and we had so much fun.
And she was so open and free,
and she made her subjects
feel that way too.
She was... she appreciated beauty,
and she was so sexy herself,
and she appreciated it.
She brought that out.
She brought out sensuality
and sexuality
in all of her subjects.
She would seduce everyone
into taking great pictures.
Every boyfriend I've seen naked.
Yeah.
One has a better body
than the next.
Exactly, exactly.
Ruth was very exciting,
and she gave...
In terms of artwork, of course...
And she gave with humor,
and she gave with love,
and she also took
enormous amounts of energy,
and it would take time
to recover after.
Ruth was very sensual...
Sexual person,
but she always had
an insecurity.
It was a bottomless well.
We met in the summer of 1991
in Quogue in a share house.
Immediately, all the
single guys in the house
were like, you know,
just drawn to this...
This person.
She's beautiful and...
You know, and I figured
that I didn't have a shot.
And once she started
shooting me,
she really helped me
to see myself
in a different light.
You know, the effect
that she had on you,
it was brighter than the sun.
You couldn't help
be drawn to that person.
"I wanted Alan."
You know, maybe part of me
thought that I could heal her
and that I could
take that pain away from her.
Me too.
But I couldn't.
I... you know,
I... I couldn't,
despite how hard I tried.
She would pull people in close
and then act
in such a horrible way
that the person had to leave,
and then she would say, "Why...
Why did you leave me?"
She clearly must have
thought she was beautiful,
or was that just her trying to
convince herself that she was?
All the nude pictures
of herself and bikini shots?
- I think...
- I mean, is that a sign
of insecurity?
What is that about?
I think that was
a sign of insecurity.
I think the self-portrait
is very...
complicated for her.
Self-searching, but also
wanting to look good,
and wanting to see what
other people would see.
I can't tell you
the amount of times
I told her how beautiful
she was.
Maybe she could see
who she was in a photograph
in a way that she couldn't see
just by feeling who she was.
So this is what
I want your help with.
I'm gonna try and bust
into Ruth's computer.
Wow.
So what are you looking for
on the computer?
I don't really know
when she wrote her last email.
Did you just turn it on?
No, I didn't touch anything.
Maybe Ruth turned it on.
Yeah.
Amazing that it's just...
Starts up and it's fine.
I need something
to make a mouse pad.
Is that too small to read?
Um, no, it says...
This one says
"Bellevue Photos."
Wow, how many times
has she gone to Bellevue?
- A lot.
- She would commit herself?
My memory is it was always
after a suicide attempt.
- Oh, look.
- What does it say?
I don't have my glasses on.
It says, "Hi, Ruth.
"In reading your email
from March 3rd, 2008,
it sounds as though you have
secured the light boxes."
These are, like,
architect's blueprints.
I like that she dreamed big.
"Bellevue Hospital Center
will accommodate your request
to have your opening reception
at the site in spring 2008."
She was really pretty far along.
I mean, she died
right after that.
- That's kind of sad.
- Yeah.
I don't know what
my responsibility is,
as the only person
that's left living.
- I know, but...
- I mean, these are, like,
records of her life.
What am I supposed to do
with them?
- Yeah.
- Right.
I've still been drinking.
Nobody knows about it,
but I think it's fine.
I just need it right now,
and then
when I don't need it,
I'll just stop.
Hope, what are you doing?
I'm looking through the bottles
to see which ones have
pills left in them
and if any of them interest me.
Okay, what do you mean by that?
What I mean is maybe
I can experience what my sister
experienced.
You know what?
That's bullshit.
Maybe I can get high
off of the pills
that she left behind.
You know this puts us in
a really complicit situation?
- Two.
- Two?
Yeah.
One is good, two is better.
Ooh, it's stale.
I've never taken it before.
It's a form of Adderall.
I've never taken it before.
And there's something about
the fact that they're
Ruth's pills
that make them feel
more special to me.
I don't want to be
enabling your addiction.
Tough shit.
Seriously.
Oh, I just wanna
feel what she feels, and...
I just wanna be inside her.
I think I should see
if George can meet me.
Don't worry about me.
I do worry about you.
Okay, so are you sober now?
I'm not sober right now, no.
We had a pact about being sober.
It's difficult,
being in that pact
and having one person
check out of the pact,
and I need you to know that
you have responsibilities
to people who are living
right now.
I mean, it's like your mom died,
your dad died,
Ruth killed herself.
And this is what's...
- I lived through it.
Yeah, and you were sober
through all of it,
so I don't...
I don't really understand
what's going on.
- Okay, well,
I'll explain it to you.
The difference is,
I became a robot
as each person died.
I took my feelings
and I squashed them down
and I took my feelings
and I squashed them down.
I just was like,
"Keep going, keep going,
keep going," and now,
all the emotions
that I refused to feel
while I was sober
and Ruth was ill
and all the feelings
that I refused to feel
after she killed herself...
I'm feeling them.
This is crazy.
She's dead.
We're gonna start in 1996.
What do you think of that i...
What does that say?
Not very much indeed.
I mean, it'd be nice if
you could balance some of this
with spending time
with your kids.
I know, but this is
gonna help me
be a better mom to them.
Eventually?
I guess not right now.
Okay, put it up, put it up.
I just wanna see
if it's lined up.
Why didn't you go
all the way up to the ceiling?
This way, a pattern
might be revealed.
I just... I just...
I think that this is...
I don't really understand it.
I don't understand what pattern
you think you're gonna see.
You're looking at datebooks
that are ten years old
from a dead person.
- Not that one. Use this one.
- Huh?
She did her dry cleaning
on Tuesday, the 2nd.
See?
Now you're wondering too.
And here comes
a suicide attempt.
"Found in coma, 1:30."
Yeah.
- All right, see you later.
- Okay.
January '97.
January '98, January '99.
February.
March, April.
October.
2001, 2002, 2003, 2004.
March, March, March, March.
I don't see a pattern.
This looks to me
like a very manic phase.
Intense colors,
and, like, right here, this is
a very intense thing.
It has a woman
and it says "Help."
When she's manic,
is that more likely
that she's gonna try
to commit suicide?
But I haven't been able
to find...
a pattern like that,
because sometimes,
the pages will be
very bare and blank,
for example, here,
she ends up going to get
electric shock therapy,
and she stays there for weeks.
Depressed, depressed, depressed.
D, D, D.
Some "S" s.
That means
"worse than depressed."
That means "suicidal."
Oh look, here's another one.
Big, big red S.
"Took pills for four days,
hoping to die."
"A good day to die."
It seems like everything's fine,
and then, all of a sudden,
she tried to kill herself,
and then she gets out,
and she goes and plays
ultimate Frisbee.
She would write "Belle View"...
Beautiful view...
So she must have liked it,
if that's what she called it.
She really went from
wonderful times
to horrible times
very, very quickly.
Here's a suicide attempt,
February 18th,
which is my birthday.
"Sorry, Ho pie."
She often accused me
of abandoning her.
And I see that
I was actually with her a lot.
Here's the last one.
I found her on Friday the 12th.
I don't know that she was alive
on the 12th,
before I found her,
or if she predicted
she would die
on one of these days,
and she made the little circles.
And so I don't really know
what day she died on.
Have you seen these photographs?
No.
Um, they... they may be
upsetting to you.
Yep.
And she's with a...
A stuffed animal, there.
Yeah, a stuffed animal.
Can you tell how long
she had been dead for?
Eh, at least of the order
of 24 hours.
Someone looks alive
and then they look really dead.
Sometimes death
looks stunningly lifeless.
I think...
You know, if...
You know, when your memory
have been embroidering this
into something, you know,
more lyrical and exalted,
but I'm... you know, emotionally,
you know the truth of this
all the way along, I'm sure.
No.
I pretend that
she's still alive.
It's like she's with me
all the time.
The guilt that I feel is...
unbearable,
and I'm falling apart.
This is hard.
You're saying "One swig,
and I'll never drink again?"
One swig, and I'll never
drink again.
Okay.
Go ahead.
- I'm gonna have a swig.
Okay, I'm coming with you.
Okay, I'm gonna take a glass.
Oh, it has to be out of a glass?
Well, do you think your parents
want me to drink
straight from their bottle?
No...
I'm really having a hard time.
Yeah, I know, but
I'm scared, and...
And I've been
chasing you around all morning,
trying to make sure
that you don't have a drink,
I can't do that. I can't...
I can't follow you around
all day.
This will be the last time.
And I don't know what to do.
I don't know what
the right thing to do is.
You're not yourself.
You're a different person.
Is that how much you want?
I... you can't be passed out
on the airplane.
My hands are shaking.
It's horrible.
Okay, that's it.
I mean, you say...
I know that you say that,
but, like, I...
You forget
who you're talking to.
- What do you mean?
- Now, I'm on camera,
saying "Have another drink,"
and, you know...
- Right now?
- Yeah. I mean, no,
I'm not saying you should
have another drink now.
I'm just saying we just...
You just... you said,
"Can I have another drink?"
And I said "Okay,"
and I don't know
how to feel about that.
I mean...
- It's the only thing
that makes me feel better.
I don't know
how to explain that.
- I understand.
- It's the only thing
that takes the pain away.
- You don't need to explain it.
I just feel really guilty
that I'm alive and she's dead.
Well, here's my perspective.
She's been dead for seven years
and she's sent you to this bar
from the grave to drink
I just... I really don't know
how to stop.
- I know.
- I know.
Here's my rehab room.
The big book,
required reading
for all alcoholics.
Pictures from my kids.
There's nothing wrong with them.
Obviously, I'm the one
with the problem.
I always wanted
to be the opposite of Ruth.
You know what?
We're not that different.
I always knew that
I felt very guilty,
and I always knew
I blamed myself,
but I didn't realize
how painful it would be
to have compassion for her.
So ask me a question.
Where are you... where are you
coming from?
Where are you going?
I have 30 days sober today.
- Yay.
- And I'm going home.
- How exciting.
- Very exciting.
You look good.
Thanks. I miss you.
I miss you too.
What do you know about
these sort of blueprints
that she made for a possible
display at Bellevue?
It was one of the last things
that she worked on.
Uh, she really wanted
to do something
with her flowers
in a dead space.
Do you think it would be crazy
to try and make this happen?
Are you ready to, emotionally?
Combining not just the art,
but the crazy and the hospitals
and the whole thing?
I don't know.
You want to help me carry it?
Thank you.
It's one thing to say,
"Okay, I think I'm ready to go,"
and open up the storage unit
and look at her work,
but this becomes
a whole other thing.
The difference with this,
though, is
I would be making
one of Ruth's wishes come true.
Well, that's for sure.
And if I could
realize that for her,
I would feel really proud.
I want to celebrate
the good things about Ruth
and not dwell on the bad things.
Okay, so I should change.
Hello.
- Hey!
Hi, I'm Greg Mink.
How we doing?
- Nice to meet you.
- Nice to meet you.
Thank you so much
for coming over.
Not a problem.
So, um, I set up
the photographs in here.
Wow.
So, um,
these are ones
that you probably saw with her
years ago.
- Yes. Mm-hmm.
- There's more in here.
- Mm-hmm.
It's a little dusty, but...
Um, I actually have that one
on my wall.
Mm-hmm.
This box has a lot,
but you could choose which one
you could take with you.
Mm-hmm. The next one?
- Mm-hmm.
- Mm-hmm.
Oh, that's a pretty one.
We're gonna give you that one,
even if you don't want it.
Yes. Mm-hmm.
- You can see, like...
- Yes.
The scale really
makes a difference.
- Yes.
- You know?
Mm-hmm.
I'm so excited.
Uh, we'll meet with...
Meet with
the public affairs people
next week,
and in terms of this show
and we'll just give them a...
A little background,
and I think they would be
on board.
Like maybe, up to the...
So now you can see
some of that detail.
Wow, that detail is amazing.
Look at that yellow green.
That's like...
That's wonderful.
Yeah.
Get a little bit better sense
of what we're looking at.
Ooh.
Ooh!
- Yeah, this one's magical.
- Magical.
Yeah.
Wow.
I know she loved this one,
because she gave it a name.
- Yeah?
- Yeah.
And then, are these logos
correct?
- Yes.
- And do you like
the name and font?
- Yes.
It just has to look good.
It has to look as good
as Ruth would want it to look.
She had very high standards...
That were a little hard
to live up to.
I don't doubt
the artwork and I don't doubt...
I just...
I just want to make sure
that I did it right.
I can carry one.
When we were little kids,
I was her faithful servant.
I still feel like I am.
She always wanted to
become one with me.
Looks good.
She's in there.
My sister made these.
- Can I take a picture?
You can take a picture.
Of course.
Cell phone... take a picture.
- That's cute.
- Thank you so much.
Thank you.
- No, thank you.
I'm glad you're enjoying it.
That makes me really happy.
Thank you.
One of Ruth's dreams
was to have a show at Bellevue.
I made it my dream
to have a show at Bellevue.
That's not my dream.
My dream is something
so impossible.
My wish is that she'd come back
and be healthy.
There is something unique
about losing someone to suicide.
It's not really something
you're ever gonna get over.
It's a daily battle.
It's like you always
have a splinter in your hand
Sometimes you notice it
and sometimes you don't,
but the splinter's always there.
You can't destroy yourself
over it, but...
You can have the splinter
and live.
The splinter's not gonna
kill you.
You want to talk
about your sister?
Um, when I did that portrait
of my sister,
we were in a very good mood
and we were very happy,
but I always knew
there was something underlying...
You know, down inside her...
That it just wasn't
altogether happy.
Do you love your sister?
I love my sister very much.
She's probably
the most important person to me
in the world.
...< subtitles re-edited by Zylix >...
---
Okay, this is Ruth Litoff's
photography
and a portrait of her sister.
Do you want to talk
about your sister?
I love my sister very much.
She's probably
the most important person to me
in the world.
So...
What are your plans
for the storage space?
What do you mean?
Um...
Are you gonna look
at the things?
When do you think
that you're gonna do that?
I don't like to remember things,
and I feel like
all the memories are in there.
Okay, we're gonna do it.
If I throw up on that lens,
are we covered?
- Yeah.
Are you worried that when I
start looking through
this stuff,
that I'm gonna go crazy?
I worry that you think
you're gonna go crazy.
You know Jane got me a space
in Brooklyn for three months.
That's good.
- Hi, I'm Hope.
- Chris.
Everyone in my
suicide bereavement group
has a storage space
that they can't unpack
of their dead person.
Are you the first person
to unpack her storage space?
I'm gonna be the first one.
Do you think that
this is gonna be helpful?
You feel compelled to do it?
I feel compelled to do it.
Clearing everything out?
Yeah.
It's been six years.
I feel like I've trapped her
in there...
but I think she's mad at me.
Why?
Because I was a bad sister.
How were you a bad sister?
You're kidding, right?
Not kidding?
No. I-I-I don't see
how you were a bad sister.
I didn't s...
From my perspective, she was
not the greatest sister
in the world.
But she was sick, and I wasn't.
Well, how were you a bad sister?
I didn't save her.
- I'll show you where it is.
- Okay.
This hallway feels like
an insane asylum.
In one of her
suicide notes, she said
she definitely wanted
her photographs
to be out in the world
being seen
and being enjoyed by people,
but I'm paralyzed.
I can't...
I can't give them up.
I just need my moment
with all of it.
Do you think that's the last...
- We decided one more trip.
One more trip? Okay.
Thank you.
I got everything.
Kids, you have everything
you need?
Mm-hmm.
- Ticket?
- Yeah.
Wallet, cell phone,
everything you need?
I got everything.
I'm gonna miss you guys,
but I'm gonna come
in two days.
Hug and a kiss. Let's go.
I don't wanna...
Okay.
Enough hugging and kissing.
Let's go.
All right, don't be late.
- Bye.
- Bye.
I love you. Safe travels.
- I'll miss you.
Love you guys.
Save some sand for me.
Bye, bye, guys.
See you later.
Bye.
Stuff was very important
to Ruth.
I mean, everything was
important to her,
and that's why
she saved everything.
I think, if I can look at
what was important to her,
I could get some answers.
Ambien...
Lamictal.
How many times
did she try to kill herself?
A lot.
Twenty?
"Dear sir/madam,
"I'm writing to you
regarding Ruth Litoff,
"who's a patient of mine.
"Ruth Litoff experiences
severe mood swings,
"severe depression,
and profound
suicidal ideation."
I would love to map out
what happened.
I can't ask my parents,
because they're both dead.
But I feel like Ruth's stuff
has clues in it.
Do you see that piece
right there?
Yeah.
What's really special about this
is this is the front...
but here's the secret message
to me.
The...
blowing of the bubbles, like,
maybe something we would do
as kids,
and then there's also sort of
foreshadowing of dying,
sort of when you would be
"forever dancing."
Growing up with
a mentally ill person,
it was a little bit like
comedy and tragedy.
It was such a confusing illness,
because she could be
so debilitated
and so magnificent.
When we were young,
I absolutely idolized her.
I wanted to be like her.
I wanted to dress like her.
I wanted to be able
to do art like her,
She was the master
of everything,
and I was her assistant.
I would sort the Lego pieces
and then she would build
the castle.
And I was so young.
I was, like...
She could've been a cult leader,
she was so charismatic.
We used to play
this really fun game
when my parents would go out.
She was three years older,
so she could babysit me,
and we would do everything
we weren't allowed to do
in the house,
which was not that many things.
We would eat ice cream in bed,
and every time the phone rang,
we would just pick it up
and scream into the receiver.
That was really fun.
She taught me how to draw.
This was a huge deal.
She taught me
how to draw a profile,
and I was the only kid
in the class
who knew how to draw a profile.
When she started
taking photographs
when we were really young,
my dad built her
a darkroom in the closet,
and she would stay in there
for hours
and she would print
the same photograph
over and over again,
and then she would show them
to me,
and it was almost like a test...
Which one of these
is the best one...
And I would really want to
get it right,
and then she would explain to me
why this one was better
than this one,
and it was really cool.
It was really cool
to have a sister like that.
In high school,
she was very popular.
She also had
a fabulous figure.
Captain of all the sports teams.
I would sit on her feet
so she could do 100 sit-ups
every night.
What was her title?
Like...
Like, she...
Wasn't she, like, the best shot
in the United States
of America under 13
or something?
- The best shot in America
for 16 and under
with a .22 rifle.
She was always gonna be
the winner.
Whatever contest
or competition or art project,
she was going to come in first.
I mean, there wasn't anything
she couldn't do.
That's what makes it
so hard to understand.
I never really feel pressure.
I never feel like
I have to do something
to prove myself.
I never have to prove myself.
But I think it would be
exciting,
I think, to start all over.
I sometimes wish I could just
wash the slate clean,
just start all over again.
Oh, here it is.
I found her on
December 12, 2008.
I got a call from
one of Ruth's best friends,
who said, "I haven't heard
from Ruth in three days,"
and I pretty much knew.
I remember,
guys were walking down the hall
with axes to break
the door down.
And then, the police let us in.
It sounds like
a strange thing to say,
but she had made it
as beautiful as one of
her photographs.
I saw her shoulder.
I didn't want to look at
her face.
I remember all of the
letters around.
There were notes everywhere,
and she tried to remember
all the people she loved
and left them presents.
There were Post-it notes
on things
saying what to do with them.
The police officer said to me,
"I've never seen anything
like this."
And then, there was my note.
It was...
loving,
kind,
even optimistic...
and in very small handwriting,
off to the side,
she wrote "I know you know,"
and I have no idea
what that means.
Are you trying to find
some sort of objective truth
about, uh...
About what happened,
or her life?
I mean, is that
what you're looking for?
Yes.
Why Ruth and not me?
Why was Ruth sick
and I wasn't sick?
We had the same parents.
My dad was very, sort of,
1950s, "Mad Men."
You know, you work hard,
you play hard,
you're not that involved
with the children.
My mom really got
the brunt of it.
Lots of drama.
Whatever mood Ruth was in
was the mood
the whole family
was gonna be in.
The message, very early on, was,
"Be on high alert,
"don't create any waves,
"don't upset your sister,
and don't make it worse."
We looked perfect
on the outside,
but we were rotting
on the inside.
I dealt with it
by disappearing
into drugs and alcohol.
Ruth dealt with it
by demanding more
and more and more,
and if she didn't get
what she wanted,
she would threaten
to kill herself.
Her first attempt...
She was 16 and I was 13,
and she begged me
to sleep in bed with her.
When we woke up,
I found out that she had
taken a bottle of pills.
What if I woke up
and my big sister was dead?
We were in the same bed,
and I didn't know.
Now that I've started
the project,
I don't sleep very well.
Thinking about my sister a lot.
Um...
I'm in a fight with my husband,
because he says
that I'm depressed,
but I think that I am
just grieving.
Think it's really hard
for him to understand.
He hasn't lost a parent.
He even has
a great-grandparent in her 90s.
I feel like he hasn't
even lost a hamster.
I feel like you enter a club
when one of your parents dies,
and until one of your parents
dies,
you don't know what it's like,
but when you enter
the suicide club
it's a very...
small club,
elite club.
"Elite" sounds almost positive,
but I don't mean it that way.
I'm just... mean that...
Uh, I don't...
I don't know if
civilians can get it.
Have you just
been coming here alone?
Yeah.
Wow, it's really big.
Oh, my God.
- A lot of stuff, right?
- A lot of pills.
Yeah.
That's crazy.
That's only from 1999
until she died in 2008.
How old was she
when she killed herself?
42.
Why would she save them all?
I think she wanted to...
I have two theories.
I think she wanted
to make an art project
out of them,
but I also think
she just wanted proof
as to how hard
she had been trying
to get well.
- And you did this?
- Yes.
What pills are they?
What are they?
Look at them.
Feel free.
Ambien...
That's a sleeping pill.
Dextrostat...
Lithium, I think,
is for bipolar disorder.
Dex... more dextrostat.
You should get rid of
all of these immediately.
Why do you think
I should get rid of them?
Because I don't think
you should have
the temptation to take them.
- I'm not.
This is just crazy.
Right?
And none of these helped her.
Zolpidem.
This is nuts.
- That's Ambien, too.
That's the generic name.
Holy shit.
Just throw them all out.
No, I can't throw them out.
This was her lifeline.
But you...
Being sober for 16 years,
I'm just,
as your lifelong friend,
scared for your well-being.
I'm not gonna take them.
Let me help you, however I can.
It's a lot of beautiful artwork.
- They're incredible, right?
- Yeah.
I mean, I always remember
being blown away.
So there's stuff
from every series here?
Yeah, and I don't know...
Did you ever see the kids?
These are some of
her earliest works.
I believe she started them
when she was 17.
- Oh, my God.
- Look at these kids.
Yeah, that's great.
So you don't know how she...
Where she went
to take these pictures?
She was brave.
She would walk
all over the city
and ask anyone
to take their photograph.
I mean, look at the portrait
of this kid...
Yeah.
It's almost like
you would want to say
he's on the verge of
losing his innocence,
but I would say
it's already lost.
I mean, I love this,
these two angry girls
with that huge smiley face.
"E.T. dies over overdose."
That's... ironic.
I mean, look how young they are.
They're babies.
I mean, look at those kids.
Yeah.
Right?
Yeah.
It's very Molly Ringwald.
Yeah.
She did so many
different styles.
You walk into that apartment,
and it was like
a candy store of art.
I mean, her...
Not only just her photographs
all over the place...
but she'd make these...
She'd have the little drawings
and she'd make these
little tchotchke things
that she'd put all over
the place,
sad and searching...
- Very fragile.
- But also very inspiring
and uplifting at the same time.
Come here.
It's so impressive to me
that Ruth was able
to feel the pain
and continue to be creative.
Many times, she would fall into
such a deep depression
that she would feel like
suicide was the only answer,
and then, when she woke up
in the hospital,
she felt much better,
and she was happy she was alive.
I can tell this one's
very delicate.
I think your sister drew this.
Did she draw this?
Mm-hmm.
I will be very gentle with it.
The sides of the pages
are yellow.
- What does that tell you?
- That it's very old.
- You really like that book?
- Yeah.
- Thank you.
- You're welcome, sweetie.
You can't go through
and read all of her journals.
Why not?
'Cause that's just crazy.
She left them for me to read.
If she didn't want
anyone to read them,
she would have thrown them away.
To tell you the truth,
I was so, like,
blacked out for everything,
and she took such precise notes
on what happened,
I'm finally looking
at what happened.
And why are you wanting
to look now?
Just want to
understand her more.
Do you know who made
this artwork right here?
No.
- Do you want to know?
- Yeah.
My sister.
Uh-huh.
Do you know her name?
- Ruth?
- Mm-hmm.
You know who made
that artwork right there?
Ruth?
You going to guess Ruth
for everything now?
Yeah.
- Who made this?
- Ruth.
And those pictures
are of my mother.
And you.
No, not me.
You're over there.
That's my mom in the window,
when she was a little girl.
My mother was very afraid
of her own mother,
our grandmother,
who we never met,
and her name was Ruth,
and my mother
named her first daughter Ruth,
which is a traditional thing
to do.
Then I come along,
and she names me Hope.
I'm named after her father,
who she adored.
When Ruthie was born,
she was a very demanding child,
very difficult child.
When you were born,
it was the total opposite.
Your mom had a very hard time.
She had a very hard time, and
I even recall
your mom telling me
about times when
she was taking her to the park,
and if she met a friend
in the street,
and wanted to stop and talk,
Ruthie would start to scream
and yell in the carriage.
Then mom would have to run.
Two different... completely
different... children from birth.
From birth.
And I remember
being a little kid,
not knowing anything
about mental illness,
or knowing that Ruth
was struggling
with any problems, and saying,
"Why does she
keep asking me if I love her?
I just told her yesterday."
She would ask me
over and over again,
and then she would often
give me these tests of love.
She would say, "If I die,
would you shave your head?"
We were just kids,
and I would say,
"Yes, I'll shave my head."
She would say, "If I die,
"will you take my ashes
"and mix them with clay
"and make me into a pot
and put flowers in
every day?"
And I would say,
"Yes, I'll do that."
That's what breaks my heart
the most.
When I see her friends,
they say, "You know,
your sister really loved you,"
and what I really want them
to say is
"Your sister knew that
you really loved her."
She wanted us to be twins,
have a secret language,
and at a certain age,
that started
to feel suffocating to me,
and I don't think she liked it
when I wanted to be
my own person.
That was taken as rejection,
when it... it really was
just normal growing up.
Were you sleeping?
I'm not sleeping.
- Can I have a kiss?
- Mm-hmm.
Ugh. That was a lick!
Okay, I just wanted
to know where you were.
I'm sorry.
Hi.
She's really afraid that
she's Ruth in the making,
and I'm terrified.
The doctor told me
when my children turn two,
that I was going to be
reminded of my sister,
because people who have
personality disorders
like Ruth's
and two-year-olds
have a lot of similarities.
I worry about their health,
I worry about their sanity,
their sobriety.
I feel like I gave them
a really bad hand of DNA.
Our children
don't have that problem.
Our two-year-old is not...
Have any mental issues.
She's two,
and I blame Ruth
for your concern about, like,
having to worry about that.
I'm sitting in our kitchen,
talking about how Ruth
affects how we parent our kids.
Like, I don't...
There's a genetic component.
Uh, I guess.
You never worried about it?
Whee!
Smiling!
It's Christmas Eve,
and I'm at my in-laws' house
in Los Angeles.
It's five days after
Ruth was buried,
six years ago.
Um...
To... this is always
a hard time for me,
and my...
2 1/2-year-old daughter...
Just out of the blue, she
decides to pronounce that
Mommy doesn't love her,
but Daddy loves her very much.
I don't know
if this is something that
a normal two-year-old says,
but it actually
really hurt my feelings.
Merry Christmas.
So it turns out,
I'm totally the crazy one.
The baby went down to the party
and she cried that
she wanted Mommy
to put her to bed,
and I said to her,
"No, you like Daddy,
not Mommy."
My husband got so mad at me.
He was like,
"You're the adult."
I couldn't help it
that my feelings
were really hurt.
My crazy makeup
isn't helping anything.
I look crazy, feel crazy.
But what kind of two-year-old
says,
"Mommy doesn't love me.
Only Daddy loves me."
Is that normal?
You knew Ruth in high school,
and now you're a therapist.
I just really want
to talk to an expert like you.
The biggest fear
that a lot of parents have is
"Am I going to inherit
you know,
these mental illnesses?
Is that going to happen
to my child?
Both: Like, is that going
to happen to my child?
- Right, that's a...
- Sarah, tell me...
- That's a big...
- Is gonna happen?
Well, if mental illness
exists in the family,
there is gonna be
a possible
genetic predisposition
to having the mental illness
be expressed in a child.
Can I ask you a question?
Was there any diagnosis
given to her
when she was going to therapy?
Very often, she was given
the diagnosis
of bipolar disorder.
- Okay.
But from what I've read
and my experiences,
she seems much more
borderline personality disorder.
- Mm-hmm, mm-hm.
- For example, like,
that seem to be
something missing in
feeling love and...
And holding onto that.
So borderlines
never, ever feel fulfilled.
It's chronically empty.
They're constantly trying to
figure out how to be fulfilled,
and they'll never get it.
My guess is that Ruth,
you know, during
the '80s and '90s,
that there was not enough
research done
right, on borderline,
so she probably
received the medication
that she need
to deal with the symptoms,
but then, there was no other
treatment that happened.
Since it's not just about
doing the medical treatment
to cure the symptoms.
It's also about doing
the further investigation
of the evolution of the family
as a unit.
Right.
Do you know the story
behind these albums?
- No.
- Ruth decided
she wanted to make
these photo albums.
My parents weren't necessarily
interested in having her do it,
but she made them pay her
to make them.
Yikes.
- That Ruth goes from
- Yeah. That.
My grandmother.
Literally my grandmother,
and then you turn the page,
and it's like, "Oh, whatever.
Nude picture of my boyfriend."
And these are the albums
she made for your parents.
Yes, that they had to pay for.
Ooh, Rolex shot.
It looks like my mom
is loving him,
but she's really loving...
- She's not.
- The Rolex.
- She's waiting for the watch.
She got it going on.
She knows what time it is.
She really, you know,
picked herself up, and...
your mother had a horrible
childhood.
I know.
My mom came from
a very poor family,
and I think that very early on,
she realized that
the way she looked
gave her some power.
With this power,
she was gonna get out of
her bad situation in Brooklyn
and looks became
very important to her.
My mom was always on a diet.
She was a lifetime member
of Weight Watchers.
If she gave us each
a piece of cake,
Ruth and I used to say,
"You gave her the smaller piece.
You love her more."
My mother's beauty
really did work in her favor.
She was a model
in the garment district,
and she married my father
and helped him build
his business
until she had
the Manhattan lifestyle
that she really wanted,
and then could give her children
the things that
she always wanted
to have herself.
And some of them
were a little superficial.
Like, she always wanted to have
blonde hair and blue eyes,
and then...
Well, like, in this picture,
for example,
this is totally... twisted.
She dyed my sister's hair
blond when she was five.
Oh, my God.
And there begins the problems.
It looks like
she liked this one a lot.
It's nice and mushy.
An adult with stuffed animals
was very her.
I don't know, it's like...
This is stuff... for babies.
It's just...
It's like, all this stuff...
Like, she was just
trying to be happy, like a kid.
I mean, look at this
Hello Kitty pencil case.
Come on.
She wrote her name
on the inside,
like a five-year-old.
I'm at a friend's house.
I don't know if everyone
does this,
or just drug addicts,
but I found this.
This is...
really making me want to
throw away 17 years of sobriety.
Around 14,
my girlfriends and I
snuck our first drink,
and I had
this amazing feeling of
"I don't know what's wrong
with me,
but this is the cure."
I was a blackout drinker...
and I have blackout memories.
I don't remember all the times
she tried to commit suicide.
I... I have memories of when
the police would arrive,
but I don't remember the order.
My dad was a heavy drinker.
I drank with him.
That was the only thing
I had in common
with my father.
That was not seen
as unusual in my house.
And he also introduced me
to Percocet,
and he would say to me,
"Want half a Percy, Ho pie?"
He would give me half a Percocet
and we would drink.
So many times,
Ruth would be in the hospital,
and he would say to me,
"Just be happy. Have a drink,"
and my mom would look at me
pleadingly
and say, "You're happy,
right?"
And I knew the only answer was
"Yes, Mommy, I'm happy."
You always did
pretend to be happy,
and I know why:
because your mother
had a full plate.
Ruthie took so much of
her energy and love.
There were so many times that
your mom rescued her.
I know there was one on a ledge.
Wasn't there one
that she got on a ledge?
Your mom had no life
and apparently,
Ruthie couldn't live in
the one we had, she had,
and I felt sad,
and I'm gonna cry.
But, she recovered
to make further attempts,
and, um...
I mean, she just couldn't find
her way in this world.
Hi, I was hoping I could
speak with Detective Cozzi.
You can sit out...
You can sit out and wait.
He'll probably come back.
That's about it.
- Thank you.
The woman in the records room
who found... who actually
did find the record
basically told me that
there was nothing else
I needed to know
and when I expressed
that I needed closure,
she recommended that I
seek out the Jehovah's Witnesses
and I was told to come back
at 12:00.
- Ruth Litoff?
- Yes, that's my sister.
- You're the one that...
- I requested the report.
Is that correct... the name?
- Yes.
- Okay, so here it is.
- It's right here?
- Yeah, it's the whole package.
- Thank you so much.
- You're welcome.
I really appreciate it.
What the detective told me
was really painful.
He said that
my sister died in pain,
and I shouldn't look in
the pictures.
I don't know...
I don't really know
how to deal with
my feelings about this.
It's very upsetting.
Thinking about drinking.
I mean, what's the big deal?
I got out of it before.
I just ordered
a double vodka on the rocks,
with two olives.
Thank you.
You're welcome.
Thank you.
First drink in 16 years.
Good or bad?
Bad.
What's that?
This is like her own version
of a Joseph Cornell box,
with little different
strange treasures
that mean something to her.
- Through Ruth's eye.
- What's this one?
I don't know.
Ooh, a Valium.
I wonder if it still works.
Look at this tiny baby.
- What's this?
- Ugh, an impaled baby.
I know she was very upset
about having had two abortions.
At around age 14,
Ruth was having sex.
She would just take
her boyfriend into her bedroom
and lock the door.
I wish my parents
had stopped her,
but they didn't...
and eventually,
she did get pregnant,
and she chose to have
an abortion.
Ruth's best friend's mother
was a producer on "20/20,"
and asked her to be on the show.
We start with a girl.
She lives in New York City,
where she's a high school senior
and a talented photographer.
When I was pregnant,
I really felt like
I had a responsibility
to my baby,
even though it was just...
It was just a fetus.
It wasn't really anything.
I always... you know,
I watched what I ate
and I just kind of
took care of it,
even though I knew that
it was gonna go away.
Of course, she wasn't ready
to have a baby...
She was just in high school...
But she never forgot about it,
either.
And I remember
when she had her abortion.
Did she continue thinking
about, like,
"Oh, if I had had that child"?
She just sort of
acknowledged that
her depression
was going to prevent her
from being able
to have children.
I realized
from looking at her journals
that that is
a huge disappointment for her,
which I never knew.
Hm.
She would sometimes
represent herself
as damaged goods
and then...
It might say something like
"forever fixed,"
and it'd be an image of her
holding a baby.
Babies, to her, were a symbol
of good health
and happiness, I think.
When my son, Charlie, was born,
she only had a chance
to meet him once.
And if she wasn't mentally ill,
she would've been
an amazing aunt.
She confided in me that she felt
very lost and alone.
My parents' failure
in being able to help fix her,
or heal her, I just think,
was too frustrating.
Mm-hmm.
For her to even,
sometimes, be around them,
I'm guessing.
I know your mom
loved her enormously,
but your dad, he...
He was pulling her down,
it seems like, always, and, um,
he... I mean, at one point,
she told me
she took a lot of pills
and she ended up
going to Bellevue,
and she told me
that your father said,
"Next time, jump."
It was hard.
God, it was hard being Ruth.
So yeah, there were
the emergency calls,
emergency dates.
Yeah, it was like being
a social worker.
It was a friend-social worker
relationship.
It had its rewards
and its perks, but it was...
It was hard to be Ruth,
it was hard to be near her,
and, um...
and it was also beautiful
at times.
Her great times
were pretty great.
Now, it wasn't like
she was just depressed
and alone with her cat.
Like, she had a lot of really
sparkling moments as well.
It was everything.
It was the whole...
You got the whole spectrum
with Ruth.
It's like a full
Shakespeare tragedy.
It was really fun in, like,
the '80s and the '90s,
I'd get a call from Ruth,
and she'd be like,
"It's time to do a photo shoot.
We haven't done
a photo shoot in a while,"
and I was like,
"Yeah, that's right!"
I mean, okay, so it was like,
teens, 20s.
Like, we both had great bodies,
um, and it was just, like,
time to celebrate them
and, like take off your clothes
and put on trench coats
and heels
and go on the roof
and take pictures,
and we had so much fun.
And she was so open and free,
and she made her subjects
feel that way too.
She was... she appreciated beauty,
and she was so sexy herself,
and she appreciated it.
She brought that out.
She brought out sensuality
and sexuality
in all of her subjects.
She would seduce everyone
into taking great pictures.
Every boyfriend I've seen naked.
Yeah.
One has a better body
than the next.
Exactly, exactly.
Ruth was very exciting,
and she gave...
In terms of artwork, of course...
And she gave with humor,
and she gave with love,
and she also took
enormous amounts of energy,
and it would take time
to recover after.
Ruth was very sensual...
Sexual person,
but she always had
an insecurity.
It was a bottomless well.
We met in the summer of 1991
in Quogue in a share house.
Immediately, all the
single guys in the house
were like, you know,
just drawn to this...
This person.
She's beautiful and...
You know, and I figured
that I didn't have a shot.
And once she started
shooting me,
she really helped me
to see myself
in a different light.
You know, the effect
that she had on you,
it was brighter than the sun.
You couldn't help
be drawn to that person.
"I wanted Alan."
You know, maybe part of me
thought that I could heal her
and that I could
take that pain away from her.
Me too.
But I couldn't.
I... you know,
I... I couldn't,
despite how hard I tried.
She would pull people in close
and then act
in such a horrible way
that the person had to leave,
and then she would say, "Why...
Why did you leave me?"
She clearly must have
thought she was beautiful,
or was that just her trying to
convince herself that she was?
All the nude pictures
of herself and bikini shots?
- I think...
- I mean, is that a sign
of insecurity?
What is that about?
I think that was
a sign of insecurity.
I think the self-portrait
is very...
complicated for her.
Self-searching, but also
wanting to look good,
and wanting to see what
other people would see.
I can't tell you
the amount of times
I told her how beautiful
she was.
Maybe she could see
who she was in a photograph
in a way that she couldn't see
just by feeling who she was.
So this is what
I want your help with.
I'm gonna try and bust
into Ruth's computer.
Wow.
So what are you looking for
on the computer?
I don't really know
when she wrote her last email.
Did you just turn it on?
No, I didn't touch anything.
Maybe Ruth turned it on.
Yeah.
Amazing that it's just...
Starts up and it's fine.
I need something
to make a mouse pad.
Is that too small to read?
Um, no, it says...
This one says
"Bellevue Photos."
Wow, how many times
has she gone to Bellevue?
- A lot.
- She would commit herself?
My memory is it was always
after a suicide attempt.
- Oh, look.
- What does it say?
I don't have my glasses on.
It says, "Hi, Ruth.
"In reading your email
from March 3rd, 2008,
it sounds as though you have
secured the light boxes."
These are, like,
architect's blueprints.
I like that she dreamed big.
"Bellevue Hospital Center
will accommodate your request
to have your opening reception
at the site in spring 2008."
She was really pretty far along.
I mean, she died
right after that.
- That's kind of sad.
- Yeah.
I don't know what
my responsibility is,
as the only person
that's left living.
- I know, but...
- I mean, these are, like,
records of her life.
What am I supposed to do
with them?
- Yeah.
- Right.
I've still been drinking.
Nobody knows about it,
but I think it's fine.
I just need it right now,
and then
when I don't need it,
I'll just stop.
Hope, what are you doing?
I'm looking through the bottles
to see which ones have
pills left in them
and if any of them interest me.
Okay, what do you mean by that?
What I mean is maybe
I can experience what my sister
experienced.
You know what?
That's bullshit.
Maybe I can get high
off of the pills
that she left behind.
You know this puts us in
a really complicit situation?
- Two.
- Two?
Yeah.
One is good, two is better.
Ooh, it's stale.
I've never taken it before.
It's a form of Adderall.
I've never taken it before.
And there's something about
the fact that they're
Ruth's pills
that make them feel
more special to me.
I don't want to be
enabling your addiction.
Tough shit.
Seriously.
Oh, I just wanna
feel what she feels, and...
I just wanna be inside her.
I think I should see
if George can meet me.
Don't worry about me.
I do worry about you.
Okay, so are you sober now?
I'm not sober right now, no.
We had a pact about being sober.
It's difficult,
being in that pact
and having one person
check out of the pact,
and I need you to know that
you have responsibilities
to people who are living
right now.
I mean, it's like your mom died,
your dad died,
Ruth killed herself.
And this is what's...
- I lived through it.
Yeah, and you were sober
through all of it,
so I don't...
I don't really understand
what's going on.
- Okay, well,
I'll explain it to you.
The difference is,
I became a robot
as each person died.
I took my feelings
and I squashed them down
and I took my feelings
and I squashed them down.
I just was like,
"Keep going, keep going,
keep going," and now,
all the emotions
that I refused to feel
while I was sober
and Ruth was ill
and all the feelings
that I refused to feel
after she killed herself...
I'm feeling them.
This is crazy.
She's dead.
We're gonna start in 1996.
What do you think of that i...
What does that say?
Not very much indeed.
I mean, it'd be nice if
you could balance some of this
with spending time
with your kids.
I know, but this is
gonna help me
be a better mom to them.
Eventually?
I guess not right now.
Okay, put it up, put it up.
I just wanna see
if it's lined up.
Why didn't you go
all the way up to the ceiling?
This way, a pattern
might be revealed.
I just... I just...
I think that this is...
I don't really understand it.
I don't understand what pattern
you think you're gonna see.
You're looking at datebooks
that are ten years old
from a dead person.
- Not that one. Use this one.
- Huh?
She did her dry cleaning
on Tuesday, the 2nd.
See?
Now you're wondering too.
And here comes
a suicide attempt.
"Found in coma, 1:30."
Yeah.
- All right, see you later.
- Okay.
January '97.
January '98, January '99.
February.
March, April.
October.
2001, 2002, 2003, 2004.
March, March, March, March.
I don't see a pattern.
This looks to me
like a very manic phase.
Intense colors,
and, like, right here, this is
a very intense thing.
It has a woman
and it says "Help."
When she's manic,
is that more likely
that she's gonna try
to commit suicide?
But I haven't been able
to find...
a pattern like that,
because sometimes,
the pages will be
very bare and blank,
for example, here,
she ends up going to get
electric shock therapy,
and she stays there for weeks.
Depressed, depressed, depressed.
D, D, D.
Some "S" s.
That means
"worse than depressed."
That means "suicidal."
Oh look, here's another one.
Big, big red S.
"Took pills for four days,
hoping to die."
"A good day to die."
It seems like everything's fine,
and then, all of a sudden,
she tried to kill herself,
and then she gets out,
and she goes and plays
ultimate Frisbee.
She would write "Belle View"...
Beautiful view...
So she must have liked it,
if that's what she called it.
She really went from
wonderful times
to horrible times
very, very quickly.
Here's a suicide attempt,
February 18th,
which is my birthday.
"Sorry, Ho pie."
She often accused me
of abandoning her.
And I see that
I was actually with her a lot.
Here's the last one.
I found her on Friday the 12th.
I don't know that she was alive
on the 12th,
before I found her,
or if she predicted
she would die
on one of these days,
and she made the little circles.
And so I don't really know
what day she died on.
Have you seen these photographs?
No.
Um, they... they may be
upsetting to you.
Yep.
And she's with a...
A stuffed animal, there.
Yeah, a stuffed animal.
Can you tell how long
she had been dead for?
Eh, at least of the order
of 24 hours.
Someone looks alive
and then they look really dead.
Sometimes death
looks stunningly lifeless.
I think...
You know, if...
You know, when your memory
have been embroidering this
into something, you know,
more lyrical and exalted,
but I'm... you know, emotionally,
you know the truth of this
all the way along, I'm sure.
No.
I pretend that
she's still alive.
It's like she's with me
all the time.
The guilt that I feel is...
unbearable,
and I'm falling apart.
This is hard.
You're saying "One swig,
and I'll never drink again?"
One swig, and I'll never
drink again.
Okay.
Go ahead.
- I'm gonna have a swig.
Okay, I'm coming with you.
Okay, I'm gonna take a glass.
Oh, it has to be out of a glass?
Well, do you think your parents
want me to drink
straight from their bottle?
No...
I'm really having a hard time.
Yeah, I know, but
I'm scared, and...
And I've been
chasing you around all morning,
trying to make sure
that you don't have a drink,
I can't do that. I can't...
I can't follow you around
all day.
This will be the last time.
And I don't know what to do.
I don't know what
the right thing to do is.
You're not yourself.
You're a different person.
Is that how much you want?
I... you can't be passed out
on the airplane.
My hands are shaking.
It's horrible.
Okay, that's it.
I mean, you say...
I know that you say that,
but, like, I...
You forget
who you're talking to.
- What do you mean?
- Now, I'm on camera,
saying "Have another drink,"
and, you know...
- Right now?
- Yeah. I mean, no,
I'm not saying you should
have another drink now.
I'm just saying we just...
You just... you said,
"Can I have another drink?"
And I said "Okay,"
and I don't know
how to feel about that.
I mean...
- It's the only thing
that makes me feel better.
I don't know
how to explain that.
- I understand.
- It's the only thing
that takes the pain away.
- You don't need to explain it.
I just feel really guilty
that I'm alive and she's dead.
Well, here's my perspective.
She's been dead for seven years
and she's sent you to this bar
from the grave to drink
I just... I really don't know
how to stop.
- I know.
- I know.
Here's my rehab room.
The big book,
required reading
for all alcoholics.
Pictures from my kids.
There's nothing wrong with them.
Obviously, I'm the one
with the problem.
I always wanted
to be the opposite of Ruth.
You know what?
We're not that different.
I always knew that
I felt very guilty,
and I always knew
I blamed myself,
but I didn't realize
how painful it would be
to have compassion for her.
So ask me a question.
Where are you... where are you
coming from?
Where are you going?
I have 30 days sober today.
- Yay.
- And I'm going home.
- How exciting.
- Very exciting.
You look good.
Thanks. I miss you.
I miss you too.
What do you know about
these sort of blueprints
that she made for a possible
display at Bellevue?
It was one of the last things
that she worked on.
Uh, she really wanted
to do something
with her flowers
in a dead space.
Do you think it would be crazy
to try and make this happen?
Are you ready to, emotionally?
Combining not just the art,
but the crazy and the hospitals
and the whole thing?
I don't know.
You want to help me carry it?
Thank you.
It's one thing to say,
"Okay, I think I'm ready to go,"
and open up the storage unit
and look at her work,
but this becomes
a whole other thing.
The difference with this,
though, is
I would be making
one of Ruth's wishes come true.
Well, that's for sure.
And if I could
realize that for her,
I would feel really proud.
I want to celebrate
the good things about Ruth
and not dwell on the bad things.
Okay, so I should change.
Hello.
- Hey!
Hi, I'm Greg Mink.
How we doing?
- Nice to meet you.
- Nice to meet you.
Thank you so much
for coming over.
Not a problem.
So, um, I set up
the photographs in here.
Wow.
So, um,
these are ones
that you probably saw with her
years ago.
- Yes. Mm-hmm.
- There's more in here.
- Mm-hmm.
It's a little dusty, but...
Um, I actually have that one
on my wall.
Mm-hmm.
This box has a lot,
but you could choose which one
you could take with you.
Mm-hmm. The next one?
- Mm-hmm.
- Mm-hmm.
Oh, that's a pretty one.
We're gonna give you that one,
even if you don't want it.
Yes. Mm-hmm.
- You can see, like...
- Yes.
The scale really
makes a difference.
- Yes.
- You know?
Mm-hmm.
I'm so excited.
Uh, we'll meet with...
Meet with
the public affairs people
next week,
and in terms of this show
and we'll just give them a...
A little background,
and I think they would be
on board.
Like maybe, up to the...
So now you can see
some of that detail.
Wow, that detail is amazing.
Look at that yellow green.
That's like...
That's wonderful.
Yeah.
Get a little bit better sense
of what we're looking at.
Ooh.
Ooh!
- Yeah, this one's magical.
- Magical.
Yeah.
Wow.
I know she loved this one,
because she gave it a name.
- Yeah?
- Yeah.
And then, are these logos
correct?
- Yes.
- And do you like
the name and font?
- Yes.
It just has to look good.
It has to look as good
as Ruth would want it to look.
She had very high standards...
That were a little hard
to live up to.
I don't doubt
the artwork and I don't doubt...
I just...
I just want to make sure
that I did it right.
I can carry one.
When we were little kids,
I was her faithful servant.
I still feel like I am.
She always wanted to
become one with me.
Looks good.
She's in there.
My sister made these.
- Can I take a picture?
You can take a picture.
Of course.
Cell phone... take a picture.
- That's cute.
- Thank you so much.
Thank you.
- No, thank you.
I'm glad you're enjoying it.
That makes me really happy.
Thank you.
One of Ruth's dreams
was to have a show at Bellevue.
I made it my dream
to have a show at Bellevue.
That's not my dream.
My dream is something
so impossible.
My wish is that she'd come back
and be healthy.
There is something unique
about losing someone to suicide.
It's not really something
you're ever gonna get over.
It's a daily battle.
It's like you always
have a splinter in your hand
Sometimes you notice it
and sometimes you don't,
but the splinter's always there.
You can't destroy yourself
over it, but...
You can have the splinter
and live.
The splinter's not gonna
kill you.
You want to talk
about your sister?
Um, when I did that portrait
of my sister,
we were in a very good mood
and we were very happy,
but I always knew
there was something underlying...
You know, down inside her...
That it just wasn't
altogether happy.
Do you love your sister?
I love my sister very much.
She's probably
the most important person to me
in the world.
...< subtitles re-edited by Zylix >...