2 Days in Paris (2007) - full transcript

This is us,
meaning him and me.

Right now we're just exhausted.
We're back from a journey.

We saw palazzos,
vaporettos and espressos.

We were on a journey to Italy, like
the title of a movie with a happy ending.

Really, we were mostly in Venice
because it is the city where lovers go.

It's also the city over water
that will end up underwater.

Greens, ochres, pinks, blues,
even greys that shine - that's Italy.

And the pasta... of course.

Now we're a true couple.
Two years that we've been together.

Two years nowadays it's almost a miracle.

Two years of happiness
with ups and downs,



and in-betweens, mostly.

We just need to pick up Jean-Luc
that we dropped at my parents

between the airport and the train station.

Night train to Venice - that was my idea.

So on our way back to New York
we've decided to spend two days in Paris.

Oh, my God!

He'll kill him. He's gonna kill him.

Isn't that the chef who nearly stabbed me

for putting Parmesan cheese
on my seafood pasta? Same guy.

- It wasn't that bad.
- I had food poisoning for four days.

- Did you enjoy any of it?
- The view from the bathroom.

Can we call a cab? It's pouring already.

- It's one drop.
- Well, it's gonna pour, trust me.

You wanna call a taxi
because you're made of sugar...



I can't get sick.
In New York I have to start work.

- No signal.
- You're kidding.

I'll get a sinus infection
cos diarrhoea lowers your resistance.

- OK, there's a bus stop over there...
- No, no.

No buses, no subways in Europe.
The terrorism and the whole thing.

Like it's safer in New York?
Paris is fine. There's no terrorism in Paris.

Because France has a secret deal
with the terrorist fundamentalists,

cos France is a Muslim country

You're a fucking psycho.
I'll try to get connection somewhere.

Excuse me. I heard you talking.

- You're American.
- I am indeed.

Well, we're a group of
international Code-breakers.

We're supposed to meet our
French delegation at the Louvre at 10am.

Do you happen to know
if it's anywhere near here?

- Oh, yeah, actually you're really close.
- Oh, really? Oh!

It's so close a cab won't take you,
cos they're picky here.

All you do is just go right down there,
make a left, make your first right,

and then just keep going straight
for ten minutes, you'll be fine.

- You sure?
- Yeah.

I appreciate it so much. Americans are
so friendly. The French are just so rude.

- It's a clich?, but it's true.
- We Americans have to stick together.

- Well, thank you so much!
- My pleasure. Good luck.

- Thank you. Come on, guys.
- Crack that code, huh? OK.

- No taxi in the area.
- It's all right. We'll be fine.

What's going on?
What's... What happened?

They wanted to know where
the Louvre was, so I told them.

- You know where it is?
- No.

- You told them... But it's miles away.
- Well, now we're first in the taxi line.

- See? Survival of the fittest.
- They're gonna go straight to the suburb.

- They're your compatriots.
- My compatriots! They voted for Bush!

They're on a Da Vinci tour!
They're the physical embodiment

of all that's wrong culturally
and politically with this world.

Maybe they'll see something other than
the Mona Lisa. Get involved in a riot.

You're so mean, but you're so bright.

I love you. Ohhh!

You're so smart.

Ugh!

Sinus infection.

Oh, it's automatic.

Can you turn the radio down?
We've been on a train for 12 hours.

We're exhausted.

Twelve? Where from?

Venice.

Hate the place!
Took both my wives there.

The program about battered wives!
I want to listen to this.

Why?

I had two wives
and I beat them both.

That's horrible!

Yeah, I was wrong...

Paris! I was born in the 13th,
raised in the 14th,

lived in the 9th, 10th,
11th, 12th, 19th and 20th...

until I moved to New York.

I'm Marion and I'm a photographer.
It's ironic since I can't see much.

I have a birth defect on my retina -
it's just full of tiny holes.

How can I describe to you what I see?

There it is - my vision of the world.

Yes, everyone sees the world
literally differently.

So I gave her a good hiding myself.

This is Jack.
He's an interior designer.

"Kids, like rats, carry diseases. "
Something he said on our third date.

I thought it was so...

- Look at the light.
-..sweet.

It's like a postcard of Paris.

I'm the photographer,
but on this trip he took the photos.

Every moment was digitised,
immortalised from every angle.

What's he taking pictures of?

Everything. Absolutely everything.

Another terrorist attack...

Listen to that!

Another fast-food joint
going up in smoke.

Last week it was two sports stores,

and last month a supermarket.

He's an "anti-globalization
protester".

He burns fast food?
I heard there's shit in their meat!

It's right here.

- Up here?
- All right, you go straight.

- This way?
- One floor up.

Elevator?

- What?
- Elevator?

It's on the second floor.
You think you can make it?

Didn't your train get in at nine?

Yeah, but with traffic, strikes...
France, what a mess!

What? Can't the poor
exploited nurses go on strike?

This isn't America!

You still have that huge suitcase.
You'll break your back!

You never listen, anyway.
If it's not...

Yes, my mother is a true pain in the butt.

but she's also the reason why
I became who I am.

Marion.

Marion? Marion?

Mom, Marion's stuck again!

Marion.

Marion?

Mom, is Marion a retard?

When I was young I was a bit special,
but not special in a good way.

I was always late everywhere
because I was stuck in my world.

I would look at things in the courtyard,
in the streets for hours.

I even think I could hear voices, but not
the kind that tells you to save the world.

Other kinds of voices.

We've got two willies!

Move it!

Some parents would have been
seriously worried.

The doctors had prescribed tons of
new medication, but my mother said no.

She got me a Polaroid camera
and instead of looking at things for hours,

I just photographed them.

You've always done exactly
what you wanted.

And we had to fall in line.
Really, l...

Honey?

Hello, madam.

Oh, bonjour.

Are you OK?

- Yes!
- Jack. Jack, Anna.

I'm sorry we met so briefly on the way in.

Yes, very short presentation. We had
to drop off a very important package:

Jean-Luc.

Give me the pussycat...
Here, your phone!

Do you do a good voyage?

Oh, yes, very nice. Tr?s bon.

- It was good? It's beautiful.
- Yes, very beautiful.

Come down for lunch at one.
Don't be late. Your dad hates that!

- How's Jean-Luc?
- Sleeping.

- Au revoir. She's so sweet, your mother.
- I know.

- What happened to you?
- I don't know.

Having a little trouble there, honey?

I need your help. Oh! I need a strong man
to carry my suitcase.

Oh, I thought you wanted to be
a strong, independent woman.

Yeah, I am a strong, independent woman.
I am a strong, independent woman.

- OK, I got it, I got it.
- Thank you.

So your big investment is an apartment
one floor up from your parents?

- It's convenient.
- Yeah, especially if you like privacy.

- No sarcasm in Paris.
- OK, I'll be quiet for two days.

You like? You don't like?

- What is it?
- Nothing.

- You don't like?
- No, it's really... It's quaint.

- What?
- No, it's cute.

- It's not mid-century.
- It's mid-century 15th century.

No, it's very Parisian, I guess.

- Is that a compliment?
- Sure.

- It's kind of swampy in here.
- Swampy?

Yeah, like the water at the Lido.

- No, I can't...
- What is that smell? What is that?

- Oh, my God.
- What?!

Honey, honey!

- Honey, what the fuck is that?
- Oh, it's a leak.

It's an old building. There's leaks
all the time. There's no plumber in France.

- Is that black mould?
- What's black mould?

- The deadliest fungus, if you inhale it.
- Don't inhale.

- It's not funny. I mean, seriously.
- All right.

It was there when I was here in January.
It's fine. It's not black, it's green. Look.

It's like blue cheese.
It's probably good for you.

OK, everybody out. I'm condemning
the bathroom. It's a hot zone, a biohazard.

- OK, we'll shit in the corner of the room.
- We'll shit outside.

Honestly, this place is like
a Petri dish for allergens.

We have allergies
because we are too clean, OK?

100 years ago we were covered
in parasites and we had no allergies.

- Really?
- Yes.

Is that the same theory
behind the French not bathing?

Yes.

- You sure you haven't find my lenses?
- No, I have not find it.

- In your bag?
- No. I don't feel well.

Which one for... My dad?

I don't feel well. I can't tell
if it's a migraine or if it's the flu.

Can I use this thermometer?

I usually don't use this one in the mouth.

- Hm?
- I don't use this in the mouth.

- Come on! What is wrong with you?
- What? It's a French thermometer.

Are you five?
You still use a thermometer up your ass?

It's the only way
to get your temperature properly.

- Why? Why, with you? Ugh!
- I haven't used it in a few months.

- OK, I take a shower first, all right?
- Make sure to take antibiotics first!

I'm trying to send this design, and
I think it would be faster by regular mail.

OK.

- You forget how slow dial-up is.
- We'll be back in civilisation in two days.

- What?
- That bedspread is fucking ridiculous.

- It's beautiful.
- When did you get that? Like 1982?

'86. I don't know.

- Don't move.
- What!

- Freeze.
- There's a bug.

- Looks like Nan Goldin's bed. Stay there.
- No pictures.

- No! Oh, God...
- Perfect.

Lie down.

Work with me.
OK, pretend you're on drugs.

- What drug?
- Heroin, of course.

Perfect.

Look at that.

Oh, yeah, that's beautiful.
You're such a talented photographer.

Fuck you.

You know why people
are attracted to one another?

- I try to kiss you and I get a lecture.
- No, I'm not kidding.

- You tell me why.
- People of different immune systems

attract one another, so the offspring
has a stronger combined immune system.

Don't snore! It's important.

- No, yeah, I was saying the same thing.
- It's interesting.

- It's like dating public television.
- No!

- And you don't like that?
- No, it's very educational. Really sexy.

Anyway, it's bullshit. My parents
were in love when they had me

and look at my immune system -
it's a wreck.

It was probably an intellectual attraction,

and that's why they split up
after you were born.

You are so sweet. So because your
parents have been together like 87 years,

or whatever it is - 38 years -
that somehow you're genetically superior.

I'm not saying that. You make everything
a competition. I'm barely alive.

How do I make everything a competition?

For example, I'm a photographer
and you keep taking pictures.

In Venice, while I was taking a picture
of you under that bridge,

you started taking a picture of me.

What is this, "shit all over Jack day"?
I try to kiss you, next thing I know

I'm genetically inferior, I'm a copycat
with no identity of my own...

- I never said you were inferior...
- Anyway, why not take it as flattery

- that I'm interested in phot...? Aah!
- OK, I love this argument.

Can we go on, no, because
I'm enjoying this, really? It's lovely.

What?

- What is it? You're scaring me.
- I'm sensing something.

What is it? Like, I have cancer
or something? You smell a tumour?

- I'm like a dog!
- Yes, dogs trained to smell something.

No, I'm not a cancer-sniffing dog.
I'm sensing that we have

very different immune systems,
and we should do something about it.

Really? Like our immune systems are
different so our offspring would be strong.

Oh, that's nice.

But maybe in the meantime, before we do
procreate, d'you mind getting a condom?

- Where are they?
- Under the sink.

When did you get these?
Circa the bedspread purchase?

No, I got them on January.

January? Were you planning on
cheating on me in January?

Actually, I was planning on having sex
with you, but you cancelled

due to an eye infection. You were
supposed to come to Paris, remember?

Oh, yeah, that's right.
Chlamydia in the eye. So rare...

yet so sexy.

- What?
- What the hell is going on?

- What is it?
- Are these things even condoms?

- What else is it?
- I don't know.

OK, you're gonna break it.
Don't pull it down like this from the tip.

- These are smaller than the ones in Italy.
- They're not.

- OK, I give up.
- OK... You just go like this.

- Right, this is pretty simple...
- Careful... Argh!

I didn't touch you. Barely.

Is this a kid-sized condom?
Do they make condoms for kids?

- OK, it's on.
- No wonder French men are romantic.

- That's the dumbest thing I've heard.
- OK, let's do this!

Great. All right, yes.

Oh, no, that's my leg... Please!

- No.
- Oh!

I can't see you. I could be having sex
with Gregory Peck or something.

Well, good for you.

OK, so much for foreplay.

What is it? Oh, it's my mother!

Am I disturbing you?

It's just my mother.

Don't come in,
we're getting changed.

I came to see
if you've got any clothes to wash.

- We'll bring it down later.
- OK, I'll wait.

- You'll wait downstairs?
- Yes.

Thanks.

Thanks, bye.

- Your mother has keys?
- Of course. I'm away ten months a year.

Do you have anything to wash?
She wants to know.

No, I don't... I don't have... No...
Oh, God...

I gotta take a shower cos the thing
is cutting off circulation to my brain.

- What are you talking about?
- I love you.

Oh, nice. OK. Bye.

Oui.

Dad?

- Oh, God!
- I'm going to start on the rabbit.

I have to chop it up.

Oh, l?, l?.

Bon...

All right?

All the sparrows in the garden
have been scared off by Jean-Luc.

Of course.
He'd gobble them up.

You think so? But he's so sweet.

Are you kidding?

It's only because we're bigger
and we feed him

that he doesn't eat us alive.

You're so negative!

Hasn't he put on weight?

I had some cans of foie gras
getting past their sell-by date...

You fed him foie gras?

You know he only eats dry cat food.

I've had him ten years
and that's all he eats.

Fat is bad for animals!

He's enormous!

He's like dad.

You get your hands on someone
and turn them into a fat lump.

They won't let me keep him
with me in the cabin.

That's why I have
to keep him under 5 kilos.

They'll put him in the luggage
compartment, drug him and...

Lots of animals die
during the flight.

How can you say that? I've taken care
of him for two weeks.

I love this cat

but your dad hates him,
he calls him "eat-shit-sleep".

He wanted to kick him out
and now you tell me...

Calm down.

- They'll put him in a cage!
- You're scaring him.

They're going to kill him!

What's going on?

My mother's always been good at crying,
turning any situation to her advantage.

In a few seconds
my dad will reprimand me

and never again will I mention
that Jean-Luc has gained ten pounds.

We couldn't go on vacation
because of that spoiled doormat!

You say Paris is great in summer,
with all the filthy cars gone away.

If you upset your mother,
you'll be in trouble.

He's fat. He had them chopped off.
Like me!

That's why I got fat!

I had them chopped off
by your mother!

Bastard!

Salaud!

- ls, uh, everything OK down there?
- Yes, why?

- No reason.
- Are you coming down?

- We're having lunch in 30 minutes.
- I'm a little terrified, but OK.

All right, let's do this.

- Hello!
- Hello! How are you?

- Fine, thanks.
- Good to finally meet you.

Your other cat!
He hasn't had them chopped off, huh?

Insulted already?

Does he understand?

Go.

It's very hot. Watch out.

- Smells good. What is that?
- Yes, he's a great cook.

Lapin.

What's lapin?

- Lapin.
- Bunny.

- Oh, no.
- What?

- Oliver.
- Who's Oliver?

My pet bunny when I was eight.
Ravaged by a Labrador.

- All that was left was two ears. I'll eat it.
- You don't have to.

- Yes, I do.
- Lapin, no?

Very good.

- I don't want to upset the natives.
- Please.

A thigh.

I didn't know about Oliver.

Plate.

A little leg, come on. Looks like chicken.

A small piece.
I'm used to small ones!

- Marion?
- Some back.

Oh, the head!

It's good - t?te.

For real men!

Real men eat the head.

- Is that the heart?
- No, that's the head.

He likes the head.

- Carottes?
- Oh, carrot. Sure.

We're gonna eat the bunny's food
as well, huh? Are his toys in there?

Sauce? Wine black... Uh, wine wine.
Non, wine white?

White wine? Oh, vin blanc.

Vin blanc.

Anna, pass your plate.

- No, no, I don't want.
- Oh!

What a pain in the butt!

Got enough, dad? Is that your diet?

Rabbit is lean meat.

But look how much you're eating!

And look at your fat ass!

This guy is sick in the head!

I've got a fat ass because
I stopped smoking 18 months ago.

Jean not, that's enough!
Will you stop bugging her?

She's the one bugging us!
She came from New York especially!

- What? I'm eating it!
- This has nothing to do with you.

Shut up, asshole!

Let's be civilized.

He came all this way to meet you.
Talk to him!

We'll talk to Jack, then.

We'll talk about
American literature.

Kerouac?

Kerouac. Yes, I love Kerouac.
J'aime Kerouac.

Faulkner?

- Is he quizzing me?
- It's a welcome quiz.

- Faulkner?
- Yes. The Sound and the Fury.

- Quoi?
- "Le Bruit et la fureur".

Ah, yes. Miller, Henri?

- Henry Miller.
- Yes, yes, an expat, ahead of his time.

- Sex?
- Sex, yes.

Sex is good. Sexus, Plexus...

Dad, don't start!

- What's happening?
- Non, Jeannot!

Sweetie, it's OK. Don't worry.

French write.

Hm?

- Speak... French writer?
- French writers, yeah.

- Now we're doing French writers?
- Yes.

Rimbaud.

Ram-baud, yes. Tr?s bon.

Rambo?

That's how they say it in English.

- Oh, I mispronounced.
- Ah, Rambo.

What a bunch of idiots!

Please!

Highbrow humour. Hm.

Baudelaire.

- Good, good, good.
- Verlaine.

- Verlaine.
- Uh-huh. Moli?re.

Oh! Bravo.

Not bad!

See!

Et Auguste Renoir - great writer?

- He's a painter!
- Ah! Good.

- He was trying to trick me.
- I know. He did.

He's not like the morons
you usually bring home.

Can't fuck with me, man!

Thanks a lot!

With such a weird face
he better be smart!

- Maman!
- What?

Nothing.

It's Rose.

She's got keys too, huh?

Hi.

It stinks in here!

Sorry, we didn't have time
to deodorize!

- Hi, dad.
- You're early.

I got out of work early.

- Hello.
- Hi, how are you?

- I'm Rose.
- Yes, Jack. Nice to meet you.

Yeah, nice to meet you.

- As attractive as in the photos!
- As nice as ever!

- Isn't there any coffee?
- Yes, in the coffeepot.

- See to it, huh?
- As usual!

- She's getting worse.
- I pity the kids she takes care of.

I can hear you!

- Vous allez faire une balade dans Paris?
- Are we going to go visit Paris?

Mm-hm. Yeah, yeah.

- I would like to go see the catacombs.
- Des catacombes, oui.

- And the... what? P?re...
- Le P?re Lachaise.

The catacombs and a cemetery?
A lot of fun, isn't he?

It's to see Jim Morrison's grave.

Did I say something tacky?

Alors, vous avez pris des photos
? Venise?

- We took pictures in Venice... didn't we?
- Yes, many.

- Would you like to see some pictures?
- Yes.

Mom, do you ever use your computer?

No. We asked Rose to teach us but...

I haven't had time.

You didn't show them at all?
Or find someone else to do it?

You show up, hand out your presents,
and leave the rest to me.

But you help people
with learning disabilities.

Once and for all, I help children
with psychological problems,

not retards!

Hey, you two brats!

Just because you can send e-miles
doesn't make you superior.

- This is the Plaza San Marco.
- Oh!

You can put so many photos
on this thing!

Yes, it's digital.

- Yes, bravo, lots of nice photos.
- Thank you.

Yeah, I just got the camera for work,
but I like doing it so...

- But why no balloons in these photos?
- I'm sorry?

Rose? Why did you say that?

It's just a joke. He didn't get it.

- Did you show the photos to your sister?
- No!

Quoi? No... I... told her about it.

- You're a real pain!
- I didn't do anything!

- Oh, yes. Good!
- What?

Stop it, dad.

Balloons. Photo balloons.

No, dad, please don't!

What a pain!
Please don't do this!

Joli.

Nice weenie with balloons!

Balloons?

- Balloons.
- Aaah!

- You're unbelievable!
- I'm sorry.

Nice weenie!

Mom!

- Really, Anna!
- You're pains, all of you!

OK, sweetie, you know it's funny.
Sweetie, it's funny.

Stop being overprotective.

That's a little bird... on the...

- Boat?
-..on the terrace of the hotel.

Au revoir. Amusez-vous bien.

Drop by your dad's art gallery.
There's an opening.

Homosexuals! It's just not right.

It's disgusting!

Huh, Kiki? You wouldn't do that.

Nice snorting

- You used to like my snorting.
- I know, but I said that...

- After two years it gets a little tired?
-..cos I was trying to get in your pants.

After that, there was no need
to compliment you any more.

- Now it discusses you?
- It doesn't discuss me.

Discuss me would be
if we were to discuss something.

I'm sorry. I speak four languages, OK?

Which one of them do you speak well?
Cos I've no proof you speak French well.

For all I know, you could be stupid
in French. How would I know?

I'm not a big death fan,
but this place is strangely undepressing.

- I know. All the Parisians are dead here.
- That's why it's so quiet.

- Je-rr t'aime.
- Why do you put a "khrr"?

- Je t'aime.
- Je t'aime.

Je t'aime.

It's French, it's easy.
No "khrr" - it's not German.

- O? est le steakfr-khrr-ites?
- Frites.

O? est le steak-frites? Hm?

Oh, it's so ugly when you speak French.

Why are we even going there? Jim
Morrison. You don't even like the Doors.

No, it's a famous grave though.
I'm a huge Val Kilmer fan.

You take your photo and we go, OK?

Pardon. Oh, pardon.

- We're getting the party started.
- What's wrong with her?

Are you all right, miss?

- Come on, I'm a free spirit.
- Let's go. This is it.

- Super cool.
- Good, super cool.

I can't believe the catacombs were closed.
It's my favourite thing to do in Paris.

Oh, well.

I can't believe we've not run into
one single person I know this entire trip.

What about the Collective Dynamics
of the 'Small-World' Network?

"Collective Dynamics of the 'Small-World'
Network" : a book Jack read in Venice.

Everywhere we went he was
looking for proof that this theory works.

It's very simple: our world is small and
if you travel to the other side of the planet,

there is a high probability you will bump
into someone who lives down your street.

Scientifically it is proven
that it's not just chance.

We are a whole
and everything is connected.

The illusion of chaos in which we live
is actually orderly and definitely linked.

But it's a theory, and Jack spent our two
weeks in Venice looking for a sign of it,

and nothing.

Manu!

- Marion? Amazing!
- OK?

I was talking about you...

- Only today.
- Really?

So what's new?

- Well, my book's just come out...
- Great! A novel?

No, short stories. But... linked.

Great!

This is Jack. Manu.

- Nice to meet you.
- Nice to meet you, Jack.

- You speak French?
- No.

So that's it? You've settled
in the States for good?

For now, yeah.
I'm with Jack and it's going well.

What?

Are you going to Vanessa's tonight?

- Yes, for sure.
- Me too.

- We're going to my friend's party tonight.
- Yeah.

You haven't changed, it's amazing.

It's like time has stood still.

- Stop it!
- You decided not to age...

Cut the bullshit.
We spent all night on a train...

- You look gorgeous.
- Stop it.

- I swear.
- Stop it, stop it!

Well, we'd better go.
My dad has an opening later.

- Jeannot. Say hello for me.
- Yeah. See you later.

- Nice to meet you, man.
- Yeah, that was nice, homey.

- "That was nice, homey"?
- That's funny.

- Let's get a cab, huh?
- You wanna get a cab? OK.

So what's the deal? That guy was
looking at you like you were a leg of lamb,

- with a fork and knife...
- Well, I am a leg of lamb.

I know, but you're my leg of lamb.
How do you know him?

We met many years ago
and we had a little thing.

I think I gave him a blow job - no big deal.

- Really? A blow job's no big deal?
- Oh, I'm sorry.

It's no big deal in comparison to
what's going on in the world.

There's George Bush,
the war in Iraq, avian flu.

And there's a blow job. You know
what I mean? In consideration...

- Nice transition.
- It's a minor event, don't you think?

Yeah. I'd say it's not minor, if you wanna
talk in the political scheme of things.

A blow job, after all, brought down the
US's last chance at a healthy democracy.

Do we have to go to this thing tonight?

You don't wanna go? We don't have to,
but I'd love to see my friends.

OK, no, it's fine.
Are you friends with all your exes?

I'm friends with some of my ex.
Most of them.

This guy is a really wonderful writer/poet.

A French poet.

You're not friends with any of your exes?

- No.
- Really? I didn't know that about you.

- When it was over, it was over.
- So if we broke up,

you would not like to see me ever again?

If I ran into you, I wouldn't avoid you,
but I wouldn't hang out with you, no.

So that means you don't think I'm likeable
outside our relationship?

Yeah, basically.

Interesting. I'd like to be your friend
when we break up.

- Oh, when?
- Whenever we break up... If we break up.

- I'd like you even if we were not together.
- That's very evolved of you.

That's the way we do it in France -
we stay close to our exes.

France is responsible for so much
of your personal behaviour.

- How does the government feel?
- They make me pay taxes.

Can we stop at a pharmacy?

My head is killing me.
I ran out of migraine medication.

- We can get codeine over the counter?
- No!

No? Why no?

Because it's France. You can't buy opiates
over the counter. It's not Afghanistan.

OK, there's no taxi here. Let's go. Maybe
we can find some heroin over the counter.

- This is the bridge.
- I've seen Last Tango more than anybody.

Stop there. Right there. You're doing
Brando in the opening scene, all right?

I'm not doing Brando.
Why don't you do Brando?

Cos you look more like Brando than I do.
I look nothing like him.

Fingers in the ear, and then back.
You're in pain, all right?

You're very upset. Here we go - agh.
Fingers in the ear. Agh!

- Aaaaagh!
- Good.

- You know what?
- What?

Taking pictures all the time
turns you into an observer.

It automatically
takes you out of the moment.

For our trip to Venice
I wanted to be in the moment, with Jack.

But, instead of kissing on the gondola,
Jack took 48 pictures on the gondola.

Instead of holding hands
walking across Piazza San Marco,

Jack took 72 pictures
of Piazza San Marco.

Et cetera, et cetera.

Which one of these looks more Godard?

- Uh...
- Godard?

Or Go-dahd?

Black.

- How do I look?
- The question is...

is how do I look?

- OK.
- You look great.

- You look really good, actually.
- Not too fat or too...

You look fat, but you look good.
You look good!

Without your glasses,
I forgot how good you are.

- I know. I find my contacts, finally.
- Making quite an effort, huh?

- Huh?
- Unlike Venice. Is it for Manu?

Manu?

Hey, we're gonna pass by
my father's gallery on the way. Is that OK?

Because I think you might like it.

- Do you read the Bible?
- I have the Bible? I didn't even know.

You have this in the Bible.

Oh, that's, uh... Oh, yeah.

- Uh... oh.
- No, but...

- Ha, ha, ha, ha.
- Oh, that's so funny. You found it.

- Yeah, yeah
- I was looking for it the other day.

- It's, uh, whatshisname?
- I don't know. I mean, there's so many!

- He's the boyfriend of my best friend...
- Uh?

Jean-Philippe... Jean-Louis.

- Jean-Fran?ois!
- Jean-Fran?ois. Jean-Fran?ois.

That's not an ex-boyfriend. That's a friend.

It was the 14th July, he was drunk,
I was drunk, we were all drunk.

You should see around him.
There was, like, 20 people.

You don't think it's offensive
to have the same picture?

- What?
- What?! It's the same exact photo.

As what?

- As what?
- Yeah... Oh... No, it's not!

It's not at all. These are blue, white
and red balloons... like 14th July.

Is this the equivalent of mounting
different boyfriends' heads on the wall,

but instead you take pictures
of balloons tied around cocks?

Are there more? If I look through all of
the books will I find a catalogue of men?

- Will it start raining balloons on cocks?
- No! It's a coincidence.

Come on. It's no big deal.

No, I just feel really... special.

You're special to me. That photo we did
was special, not like this one.

This one was like, I was drunk,
everyone was drunk... You're offended.

- Yeah.
- You're very special.

Like in the retarded way,
which is why I'm going out with you.

- You OK, booby?
- Yeah.

Are you American?

He is, I'm French.
We live in New York.

Cool! I love New York.

I went last year.
I loved downtown, Soho...

- Cool, man.
- Super cool.

- Are you married?
- No.

- Do you have children?
- No.

Really? How old are you?

We're all friends here, right?

Yeah. I'm 35.

Don't wait too long.
Won't he give you one?

No, it's me.

No, no... I don't believe that.

All women want children.
It's in their nature.

If he doesn't want to,

I can help!
It's up to you, of course.

I make beautiful kids.
So if you want a Brad Pitt

or a George Clooney.
It's up to you.

You know who to call.

He's just saying
how beautiful his kids are.

Hm, that's funny.

I'm just saying because...
you're not bad.

You look like
that American actress...

She's married to that guy
from Fatal Attraction. Douglas!

I look like Catherine Zeta-Jones.
Catherine Zeta-Jones?

That's the one!

Great, we have a blind cab driver.

But I'm blonde
and I don't look like her.

But you've got exactly
the same face, sparkling eyes...

You're like twin sisters.

Except you're more beautiful,
of course.

- Jack.
- Jack. Enchant?.

- He's the artist.
- Cette toile...

- Oh, fucking angels.
- Sunshine is fucking, yes.

Hugo is fucking the ass
of a... middle-class French.

'68, at the barricades!

Bam, bam, bam!

That's Anna,
because Michel was with Anna.

They shared the same woman for a while.
With my mother, they had sex.

- Of course they did.
- Anna.

Amant, amant. L'amant, l'amant.

- Lover. The lover.
- The lover. Yeah.

- They are all touching each other. It's...
- A chicken, chicken, chicken.

Sure, you've gotta have chicken.
Yeah, chicken, sex.

- Jeannot, Jeannot.
- No, no, no.

- French!
- Yeah, but I get migraines.

Marion, "migraine"?
What's he saying?

He gets headaches.

Speak French, goddammit!

Are you nuts?
You'll scare him.

Red wine gives him migraines.

- The exhibition's fabulous, dad.
- Really, you like it?

- It's a man who's pregnant having a baby.
- Like the Arnold Schwarzenegger movie.

Hermaphrodite.

Dad, show him my favorites.

I'll leave you with Jack.
You take care of him.

But we can't understand each other.

- Heu, pigs.
- Uh-huh.

- Pigs with some sort of salami.
- Yes.

- What?
- Ooh! Ooh! Aah, aah!

Aah, aah! Aah, aah, aah!

Marion? Marion?

- Yes? What's going on?
- Your father...

Cunnilingus. Cunnilingus. French.

- Cunnilingus.
- I'm sorry, honey. I'm sorry.

Where you going?

- How are you?
- Fine, and you?

Yeah, fine.

Goodbye, Jack. See you soon.

Hein? Au revoir.

- Oh, hey.
- Hey.

- Where you going?
- I'm done here. See you at Vanessa?

- Yeah.
- I wanted to tell you

I think it's wrong what Marion did,
showing the pictures of you to the family.

- Yeah, well...
- It's wrong. It's not right.

It showed no respect
for your "intimity" as a couple.

Intimity? Oh, intimacy. Yeah.
No, I know. I'm not crazy, right?

No?

Ce tableau l?-bas...

Si on ?tait dans l'expression de
la violence, c'est-?-dire une esp?ce de...

- Take care.
- OK.

- What are you doing?
- I needed some air. It's stuffy in there.

- I know. It's hot. You wanna go?
- Yeah, you ready?

- You say goodbye to my dad?
- Yeah.

- OK. You OK?
- Yup, well, yeah.

I think it was really wrong
you showed that picture to your family.

It shows a total lack of respect
for our intimacy.

Oh, your picture! But it's so funny.

It's totally inappropriate!

My dad loved it.
He thought it was hilarious.

From the work in his gallery it doesn't
surprise me. I don't like being laughed at.

- Come on.
- I never take subways in New York.

There is no chance
of a terrorist attack right now.

- Everyone's happy.
- They don't look happy.

- Hm?
- They don't look happy.

It's OK. It's all right.

It's OK.

I got it.

Didn't work.

Maybe another face?

- ?a va?
- H?!

- Hello, bonjour.
- Jack, mon ami. Vanessa, my friend.

- Nice to meet you.
- You the new boyfriend?

- What's your name?
- Sandra.

New boyfriend? Uh, not that new,
but all right, you know.

Somewhat used, yeah.

Hi.

- Are you OK?
- Oh, yeah, very good.

- I'm eating hot dogs, I've got a beer.
- Oh, good.

- You want some more food?
- I'm OK, honey. I'm 35.

OK, fine.

She still breast-feeds me,
but don't tell anybody.

Elves came to help me one day
when I was looking for something

and they found it for me.

- Bullshit!
- I swear it's true!

By the way, did you notice how
most woman have their pussy formatted,

like they have that horrible cut, you know?

The subway ticket.

- Subway ticket?
- Yeah, it's the "ticket de m?tro", we call it.

- It's a narrow rectangle.
- Oh, landing strip.

- I hate it.
- You don't like that.

It's horrible.

- I actually call it "Hitler's moustache".
- Wow! You really hate it!

When you look at the thing like this
I go: It's horrible.

It always makes my cock back away.

- No? It's not the right term?
- No...

- You know when it gets scared or cold?
- Oh, yes. Scared, I guess? Cold.

Maybe Americans
don't have that problem.

You're never scared of
entering hostile territories.

And, by the way, I'm Mathieu.
Nice to meet you.

- Hey, sweetie.
- Guy's talking about fascist vaginas.

- ?a va, toi?
- ?a va!

I saw you from over there.

You're doing an exhibition?
Photos?

A bit more conceptual.

Sort of Bill Viola,

but more sexual!
You'd like it.

Manu!

- What?
- He's doing an exhibition.

- He's a really interesting artist.
- Oh, yeah. Ex-boyfriend?

- No!
- You sure?

That'd be a record.

- Oh, Manu!
- You don't have to speak to him.

No, I want to. I love Manu.

I always thought that a small lie, if it has
no repercussions on anything or anyone,

is not really a lie.

You have to make a diagram, evaluating
the pros and cons of the consequences,

D - C E I T

and especially if there's a chance
the lie might be uncovered.

- Hey!
- Hey, man, how are you?

- Oh! OK. Sure, OK.
- What's up?

- Not much. How you doin'?
- I'm OK.

- She told you we used to be together?
- Yes.

But it was, like, 1 5 years ago,
so it's no big deal at all, really.

- She was 19.
- Ah, just a child.

I gave her her first orgasm
through intercourse.

Oh, no, this is rude. I know when I'm rude,
this is rude. I'm sorry about that.

Oh, no, no, no. Hey, look, you paved
the way for the rest of us, right?

- I drink to that.
- Let's toast to that.

Anyway, it wasn't even
a big love story or whatever.

- More like brother and sister.
- Oh. A brother and sister that have sex.

- Yeah, no big deal.
- Well, to each his own.

I have to just go get the... the thing...

I love that guy. Go get it.

- What is it?
- Sole blow job, huh? You had sex.

- Who?
- Manu.

No! Well, yeah... Just vaguely.

Vaguely? What is that, just the tip?

- I don't see what the point of lying is.
- I didn't lie.

You did. Not to mention he told me he was
the first person to give you an orgasm.

- Sound familiar?
- No...

- Rings a bell?
- I told him that to make him feel better.

- Right, which is exactly what you told me.
- Did I?

- Oh, my God.
- But it's true with you.

- Is it amnesia?
- No, booby, don't be... all crabby like this.

Please, don't be jealous. You knew
I wasn't a virgin when I met you. I was 33.

OK, that's not what I'm talking about.
I'm just talking about the lying.

OK, I'm gonna get some dip.

I'm a child psychologist. I work with
children in the 16th and Neuilly-sur-Seine.

- Yeah, yeah, yeah.
- Rich children, with money - problems.

Yeah, that happens.
That sounds very fascinating.

One time - I have to tell you this story -
I was working with this kid in my office

- and I had to go to the toilets.
- Uh-huh.

And when I came back
my chair was all wet.

Oh-oh, that little...

- rat. He had peed on it.
- Oh.

I was so... I was so mad.

The only thing I could think about
after that is that I just wanted to cut it off.

I just wanted to cut it off.

- Quit your job or...?
- No!

- I wanted to cut off his little penis.
- Oh, his little penis. Oh, boy.

I really like this salad.
Are there mussels in it?

I can't take it.
We fight all the time.

- You go to the temple sometimes?
- No. In fact, I'm not really Jewish.

My mother was brought up Catholic,
even though I have a Jewish last name,

- so technically not Jewish.
- Your father is Jewish, so you Jewish too.

You're a happy, hairy, Jewish man.

Do you think Hitler would have let you go
because your ma is not Jewish?

Doesn't change anything.
You'd be put in a camp by all these guys.

OK, all right. Yeah, I never liked camp.

By the way, I'll be in your apartment
for a couple of days. Marion invited me.

- We got a real small one-bedroom.
- I'll bring foie gras.

I feel that I'm your brother,
and what's mine is just yours, man.

Does that mean that what's mine is yours?

- If you wanna give, I'll take it.
- Really? So this applies to everything?

Let me just explain something to you.
I'm American, right?

And in America what's mine is mine.
See, my first religion is private property.

Don't trespass.
Don't touch my shit, or I'll kill you.

- Ha, ha! OK?
- That's good.

I like that man. See you in August.
I love your humour.

You told this paranoid crazy person
he could stay at our place in August?

- No, I said he could stay if we were away.
- He thinks our home's the Promised Land!

I was talking to Jack.
Nice guy.

Yeah, nice.

Not uptight, not too American.
No broom up his ass.

Tattoos all over,
but I guess you must like that.

Well, he's been in jail so...

- A financial thing? Enron...
- No, he did eight years.

Homicide. First-degree murder.

This guy was staying
with him and his girlfriend.

Jack was 19 and he...

He has anger-management issues.

He invited me to stay
a few days in August but...

I wasn't sure I'd be able
to make it.

That sucks!

I'm going to get another drink.

I wanna remember the least romantic day
in Parisian history.

All these off-the wall projects,
I couldn't do them here.

I had to, I had to...

These old perverts wanted me
to blow them. Disgusting!

That's disgusting.

You didn't have to blow anyone
to make it?

- In art you don't have to blow?
- No, you don't have to blow, but...

- You have to lick a bit!
- Yeah, that's it!

She's totally empty now.

Shit!

My contact lens.

There it is.

- You got it?
- Yeah.

Great!

I'll put it back in.

Hey, are you OK?
Don't fall.

Marion?

Marion?

- Oh, my God... Oh, sweetie.
- What's going on?

- I don't feel good. I don't feel good.
- What's the matter?

The mussels.

I've just remembered, I'm allergic.

I ate mussels, didn't l?

No, no, we had mussels
last month on Long Island.

But it was American mussels.
Maybe I'm allergic to French mussels.

- Someone call 911! Is it 911 here?
- No!

I'm allergic to French mussels.

Call "Je-suis-allergique-moolah"!

- Wait.
- What?

- I don't have a pulse.
- You do. You're alive.

I don't have a pulse!

- I'm dead!
- No, you're not. You're talking.

You had a dizzy spell!

- I had no pulse!
- Breathe deeply.

I had something stuck in my throat,
something hairy.

I'm allergic to French mussels,
you have to give me an injection!

You ate too much, that's all.

- Drink some water...
- I'm scared, doctor!

Get some fresh air, you'll be fine.

Your blood pressure's perfect.

Jack! I'm alive, booby.

Yeah, I know you are.
I could tell by all the talking.

- Yes.
- Yeah...

Hey, do you have anything for sinuses?
Antihistamine?

Actually, no. But she'll be fine,
she'll be OK.

Yeah, I know.

Another Arab. The last one I took
jumped out without paying.

The other day I had some Germans.

Never again!

They had sausages in their bags.
It still stinks!

Nothing but Romanian scum!

Did you enjoy talking to my sister?

I mean, you barely spoke to anyone else.

That's not true. I talked to
Mathieu and Manu and Sandra.

They were charming.

Charming as in "charming"?
Or are you sarcastic?

- No, they were lovely.
- I can't tell with you.

Where's your friend from?
He doesn't speak French.

He's American.

American?

- You don't speak English.
- No, I don't.

- You don't speak many languages.
- What?

I speak French, that's enough, OK?

You don't want us in your taxi
because we're not speaking French?

Who do you pick up in your taxi?
You don't like Germans...

Arabs? No, you don't like Arabs.

The Romanians?
Send them home with their whores!

And gas the Jews!

Hey, I never said that!

Gas chambers were an invention
to get our money!

Are you sick in the head?
Listen to yourself!

Hey, dumb blonde,
who do you think you're talking to?

You're the fucking dumb blond!

- Hey, hey.
- Sweetie, it's OK. It's under control.

We're dealing with a fucking psychopath,
Nazi, fucking racist, asshole,

and that's OK because you know what?
That's France. We are in France.

Welcome to France.
Welcome to France. Welcome to France.

- ?a va, sweetie?
- Fascist!

We're getting out here.

Before you get out you pay me,
or we go straight to the cops.

We'll pay you, asshole!
We're rich, we're Americans!

You shut your mouth!

- I'll kick your ass!
- Whose ass you gonna kick?

Uh, over here. Whoa.
This is fine. This is good right here.

You with the beard, shut up!

I'm just gonna find a spot to park,

and then we'll have a talk...
little woman.

We're gonna talk
about your little woman?

- No, I said you, little woman!
- I thought you meant your wife.

Because I heard
your wife's fucking an Arab.

Thank you so much.
That was very educational.

Thank you.

- Goodnight.
- Fuck you!

- Good night. Thanks.
- Bonne nuit, merci beaucoup

Bitch! Go get fucked
by your Yank!

- What is wrong with you?
- The guy was a racist.

When we get back to the States
we're checking you in to

an anger-management-slash-rehab clinic.

I didn't even get angry.
I mean, is it OK to be racist?

At least Rose is alive.

Smells like lamb in here.

- This whole city smells like lamb.
- Uh-huh.

What is this?

- Did your mother do this?
- Our laundry.

- Oh, that's sweet.
- Oh. I tell her not to, but she can't help it.

She irons jeans? Who irons jeans?

Ironing jeans is her favourite thing
in the world. It's nice.

- You know.
- I thought she was a hippy.

But eventually her mother habits
started creeping in on her.

- OK, this is what I'm talking about.
- What? I'm trying to get on top.

- I know.
- You keep fighting it.

Yeah, cos you always wanna get on top.

What do you mean?
But that's how I like to do it.

That's how you like to do it,
but I'm here too. I'm not a human dildo.

You're not?

I'm serious. For all this talk about
women being objectified, oversexualised,

being pieces of meat
and baby-making machines,

it's men who are pieces of meat.

It's true, cos there's such emphasis
placed on the female orgasm.

What's the best position for the woman?
It should be a two-way street.

I really feel for you. It must be horrible
to be a man and be used and be an object.

I really support your cause.
You should call Amnesty.

- I'm not in the mood any more.
- No, no, no.

How d'you want me to have sex with you?
No, I'm not doing this right now.

- Let's do it from behind.
- No?

OK? I wanna do it on top and you keep...
OK, listen, now I'm traumatised.

I've been rejected. You know what it is
for a woman to be rejected?

No, it's over. I'll probably never eat again.
I'm probably bulimic or anorexic.

- No, no, no.
- Leave me alone.

- We haven't made love the entire trip.
- Well, yeah! Who wasn't in the mood?

I was on the bowl! Did you wanna mount
me while I was shitting my guts out?

Don't. I can't hear you say
"shitting" any more.

I'm too tired to fight.
Can we do it tomorrow? Thank you.

I'm gonna sleep with the cat.
He's much sexier anyway.

Jeannot, there's water everywhere!

- What? What?
- Oh, my God. I don't know.

- They're screaming.
- Ow! What are you doing?

- Look at the carpet!
- Call the fire department!

- What is it?
- A pipe burst.

I'll cut the electricity.

They're on their way.

They told me to turn off the water.
Where's the main inlet?

I've no idea!
Go ask Mrs. Schindling.

- She knows?
- Yes!

Oh, there's a water pipe
that broke downstairs.

They're on their way.

- Who?
- The firemen.

- Oh. I've got a hangover.
- I'm gonna help. OK.

- Mom, do you need help?
- Shit!

OK.

Bonjour.

Sorry, we're firemen, not plumbers.

Shit, shit!

Sorry about my mom.

You live upstairs?

Yes, upstairs.
But I live in New York.

They have awesome fire trucks!

Fucking shit!

Those are great sweaters.
Can you buy them anywhere?

It's our uniform, given to us.

I think you can find them
on the internet now.

- It's nice wool.
- Touch it.

- It's great wool.
- No, it's OK.

Yeah, go on!

Not bad, huh?

Good quality!

Scottish wool!

What are they still doing here?

Help me instead of flirting!

We'd better go. Thanks.

Next time we'll call a plumber,
not the firemen. Thanks.

- Have a nice day.
- You too. Goodbye.

Oh, hey, guys. How you doin'?
Jack. Enchant?.

- Salut.
- Jack. How you doin'?

Um... can I touch too?

- You... hm?
- Muscles?

- Heu...
- Whoa!

- ?a va, ?a va.
- OK. Ooh!

- Bonne journ?e.
- Oh. Oh-oh. All right.

Ooh!

Nice.

Something wrong with that guy!

Wow.

It's finally under control.
I'm soaking wet.

- I bet you are!
- Oh!

Coming.

Bring your American to the market,
to see some real food!

I'll have a shower first.

- Do you want to come? To the market?
- I have a terrible hangover.

- Spend some alone-time with your dad.
- He asked you to come.

How do I know? He speaks French.

It's one of my favourite things to do.
I wanna share this with you. Please!

- Yes, yes, yes. OK.
- Thank you.

- Then we'll go to brunch.
- Oh, I feel sick though.

Chaute.

- Chaud.
- Yes, it's hot.

- Shout. Shout.
- Shout. Raargh!

- Chochotte.
- ll a aim? sa visite dans Paris hier?

- Did you like visiting Paris?
- Oh. Yes, very nice.

Il aime Jim Morrison?

- Do you like Jim Morrison?
- Not really, no.

- So why did he go to see his grave?
- It's a tourist thing.

It's a touristical thing.

- Does he know?
- No, I haven't told him.

I'll take this opportunity
to tell you.

The next time you go on vacation,

- leave your cat somewhere else.
- What do you mean?

What's the problem?

Every day at 5 am
he wants to get in the bathroom.

I told you he likes running water.

He just keyed a car.

That cat is low maintenance.

Worse than a kid.

- Are you going to have one?
- Don't bug me.

- What is it, sweetie?
- He keyed a car. He's doing it again!

Look how this one's parked!

- Well, it's right on the sidewalk!
- Is that like a French ticket?

- Is it legal here to key the car?
- Cars on the sidewalk, it's his thing.

Look at that one!

- What? Oh, no.
- He's gonna key that one, yeah.

- Well, stop the man.
- What do you mean? I can't stop him.

Dad, stop it!
Do it at night if you have to.

You're making Jack uncomfortable.
He doesn't like it.

- Can we pick up the pace a little?
- Car bad. Car bad.

- He doesn't like cars.
- Apparently, no.

- Pollution.
- Huh?

- Pollution.
- Yeah. He should run for office.

Cornflowers.

Yes, cornflowers.
I'll come back for them later.

I won't pay you with my body today,
my daughter's with me!

No sleep. No sleep.
Went to a party - soir?e.

- No sleep?
- Soir?e.

- Wait a minute. No sleep.
- No sleep?

"Sleep" not "slip"!
He doesn't sleep in a nighty!

- Oh, l?, l?.
- Oh, Jack.

Oh, God! Oh, my God!

Pig.

He was suckling last night.

- Oh, my God. That's so disturbing.
- Look what the French did to Babe.

- Ah, it's so sad.
- Jack, look, look, look.

- What's that tongue?
- Calf.

- Langue. Lllll-angue.
- Oh!

- Tongue of veal. Look at this.
- Yeah, no, I see it.

Oh!

- Agneau de lait.
- Hm?

Agneau de lait. Baah! Baah!

- Oh.
- Baby lamb.

That's sweet the way he personifies
the skinned baby animal.

Vous me gardez la t?te.

- I'm not doing so well.
- Really?

Yeah. I feel like I might
have to go back to the apartment.

- OK, cos you're feeling a little sick.
- I stayed up till four watching M.

I'm getting paranoid - all the skinned
animals. I feel I'm gonna get lynched.

I'm sick.

- He has a bit of a cold.
- A hangover?

I'm sorry. But I love this place very much.

OK, OK. You take care.

OK. All right. You feel better.

- You've got the keys, right?
- Yeah. Bye-bye.

Au revoir.

- He's sick?
- Just a cold.

Let's go
to the organic vegetables stall.

1 new message

You're not going to tell your mother
about this, OK?

I shouldn't do this.

You make me as hard as wood!
Mathieu

Hello, madam.

Sorry, I thought
you were at the market.

Oh, they're still at the market.
I came back to shower.

I washed your shirts.
You don't mind?

Thanks very much.

That's so nice of you.
Very nice. Very nice.

Jeannot very angry with me.

Mad at me, because of Jim Morrison.

- He doesn't like the Doors?
- Because me with Jim...

Yes.

You...?

- Oui.
- You and Jim? Oh.

I had a short affair with him.

In '69.

Many people were very happy
with their body.

No Aids, no death...

Sex fun. Everyone with everyone.

Oh!
The mother's a slut too.

No, that's a beautiful story.

And do you know after?

Abortion movement...

- For women?
- Oh, the Women's Lib, yeah.

The 343 Bitches movement...

I was one. Do you know that?

I was one of the bitches!

Oh, I see, I see.

Can you pass me the cat, please?

- Oh, Jean-Luc? Oh, I think he's...
- Ah, he's here!

- Au revoir.
- Bye-bye.

Au revoir. Merci.

You got the door?

Unbelievable.

Lovely flowers, miss!

Stop hitting
on every girl, dad, please!

- Hitting on them?
- Anything that moves!

I only hit on pretty girls!

You loved it, you hussy
Having me lick your pussy...

I'm your salami for life

- What music would you like?
- What do you have?

Brel, Ferre, Trenet,

Barbara.

- Whatever you prefer.
- I'll put something on for you.

It's Music Day today.

It's, like, people play around,
they play music everywhere.

- Oh.
- It's a special day.

We should walk around, no?

Grizzly.

- You brought your camera.
- Yeah, I might take a few photos.

And tons of cake servers

A 10-speed blender

Just for your vinaigrettes

A beautiful air-purifier

That eats all smells

Heated blankets
Waffle irons

An airplane for two

And we'll be happy!

- What are you gonna eat?
- Mm, I'm not that hungry.

- You don't wanna eat anything?
- No, I'm fine.

- You sure?
- Yeah.

Hi.

Still writing
for that right-wing rag?

- What?
- Nothing. I'm just saying hello.

- D'you know those guys?
- Just a little bit.

OK, Edouard?

At least you're faithful
to your friends.

Shall we go?

Have you decided?

- Can I just get a bowl of ground glass?
- Pardon?

A beer, please.

An omelet.

Une omelette.

- C'est parti.
- Merci.

How was your trip
to the Philippines?

I'm Jack.

Gael.

Edouard.

Enchant?.

- That's how we do it in America.
- One second.

OK.

The trip you dumped me for,
to be "free".

Let's go.

Ex-pats never get over
those exotic countries.

It's like former colonials.

Life's so good there.
The women are...

so gentle, so young.

Finished?

It speaks!

You've grown some balls.

Interesting!

You couldn't handle me
dumping you.

What I couldn't handle
was something else!

But I better not say.

- Should I leave?
- I'm sorry. It's gonna be fine.

Why don't you just tell me what's
going on, as a courtesy? No? Nothing.

OK. This is fun.

You're not that dull.
I found that out later on.

You weren't my type, period.

Wanna know what his type is?

Shut up!

OK... OK...

Non, ?a va. Tout va bien.

No, I'm not his type.
He worked for an NGO in Thailand,

and screwed 12-year-olds!

A 30-year-old is less sexy
than a "woman" of 12!

You're crazy,
it's all in your head.

Oh, yes, I forgot.

He explained to me.

We judge it with our Western minds.
We shouldn't.

It's different over there.

It's normal for women
and children to be prostitutes.

It's their culture. You shouldn't
feel guilty about screwing them.

It's true.

You pretend to help the Third World
but screw them like everyone else!

Just because I ditched you!

All I wanted was a chick
who can shut up.

A 12-year-old
knows how to do that.

But I don't!

Edouard, he screwed
the love of your life

on vacation.

Oh?

Oh, darn it!

He didn't... You never told him?

Oh, I'm sorry, really!

Shut up,

cunt!

- What's going on? What are you doing?
- It's OK. I'm fine!

- What are you doing?
- I'm fine. ?a va. C'est bon.

I'm calm now.

I'm OK, sweetie. I'm OK. I'm totally cool.

Everything's in contro...

That's enough!

- We didn't break anything.
- Go on, get outta here!

This shows France in a great light!

Tourists!

- What?
- What the hell is wrong with you?

- I'm sorry. I'm really sorry.
- Honestly! You're like a crazy person.

- Don't say that!
- You had crazy eyes.

- Are you Mike Tyson?
- I'm not!

- I'm dating Mike Tyson.
- No, you're not!

It was a guy I dated that did something so
horrible. No, no, listen to me. So horrible.

- It was not like a regular thing.
- When? When?

Seven... seven... seven years ago.

Seven years ago!
And you're still this pissed?! Oh, man.

He did something despicable.
He represents everything I hate.

He's part of this bourgeoisie.
He did something so wrong...

- Here we go. Right, OK.
- Lying and doing terrible things,...

- I don't care, I don't care!
-..Iike part of this post-colonial bullshit!

I don't care. It doesn't warrant
that kind of behaviour.

You have an impulse-control disorder and
need to be medicated. That's the problem.

I was in control. I was just...

I was...

OK, I was angry,
but I'll never get angry again.

I lost my temper cos he did something
so wrong. He had sex with children.

- You know how to pick 'em, honey.
- It was wrong to throw us out.

You think it was wrong to throw us out?
We're lucky we don't get shot! Honestly!

- They don't shoot people in France.
- Bullshit. That's another fallacy.

But anyway, um, so...

- So that was another ex?
- Yeah.

All right. No big deal. Run into a couple
of exes - that's not a big deal, right?

- Yeah, why would it be a big deal?
- Is an affair a big deal to you?

- Yes, of course.
- Yeah? OK.

- What?
- So is the affair with this guy a big deal?

- Who?
- With Mathieu?

- What?
- Mm-hm.

I left my phone in Paris. It's why I picked it
up when we came from New York, right?

So... so... My mom gave it to my sister,
and she had an affair with him.

- So he left it for my sister, the messages.
- Right. OK, not bad, not bad.

Um, try this one with slightly more feeling.
I'm not sure I bought that one.

Honestly! You must think
I'm the stupidest person on the planet.

You expect me to believe we're a victim
of some French farce? Come on!

And your sister, you're gonna turn into
a scapegoat? She has enough problems.

She's busy turning children
into serial killers right now.

OK, you're right. I did have a thing
with Mathieu two years ago,

but it was nothing serious.
It was before I met you so it doesn't count.

- It means nothing.
- You know what I'm starting to believe?

That there is a small-world theory,
but it just applies to your sex life.

And it wasn't two years ago.
I don't know what the fuck these say,

but I know that they were in January
and that they're horrible. Monsieur?

What means "lick pussy"?

You sicko!

- They were bad. He didn't like them.
- I didn't lie!

You know, he kept on sending me
messages, even after it was nothing.

He keeps sending messages.
I mean, it's actually funny!

Let me translate the humour to you.
It's funny. It's not like serious...

So you lie? You lie?

I don't lie. I was protecting you.
I didn't want to hurt your feelings.

All right! I lied!

I lied just on that.

But please trust me. I didn't do
anything bad. I didn't cheat on you.

How do I know? How can I believe you?
How do I know what's bad to you?

In France, maybe having anal sex on
the side is like fishing or playing Scrabble.

OK, I'm sorry. Trust me. The messages
mean nothing to me. It's just messages.

I didn't do anything bad. We're in Paris...

Oh, no, no, we're not.
We're not in Paris. We're in hell!

- Say it.
- Say what?

- Say I'm a whore.
- "I'm a whore."

- I'm a whore.
- "I'm a whore."

- No, I'm a whore. Just say it!
- "No, I'm a whore."

You don't wanna say it? You want to stay
the friendly John Wayne guy?

- John Wayne? What the fuck?
- You wanna be the good guy, always?

I'm the Indian.

Yes! That's me!

Let me break the news to you. It's not your
cock that's too big for French condoms.

It's your ego that's too big
for French condoms.

And... Italian condoms, too.

Not bad.

Why did I say that? I'm so stupid.

- Bonjour.
- Bonjour.

Okey-dokey. Can I get a double
cheeseburger, large fries and a Pepsi?

Sir, I don't speak English.

- No English?
- Non.

All right. Um, a... a...

All right? Double, deux, you know?

And then large... fries,

and a Pepsi, cos Pepsi's the same
in every language.

Sir, there's the salad menu,
the veggie menu and the double menu.

Just choose one of them.

It's simple.

- Oh, this thing, this, this.
- ?a?

I don't wanna eat the paper,
but the food on the paper.

- C'est ?a?
- The food on the paper, yeah.

Merci.

That'll be 5 euros 30.

- Here we go, some European money.
- Merci.

Were you pissed about the franc?
That thing must have upset you, huh?

Voil?.

Thank you, goodbye.

- I hate Paris.
- Au revoir. Ooh.

Hi, Mathieu, it's Marion.

- Hi.
- Hi.

Can I sit with you?

Uh, OK.

This fast-food chain has half the animals
still alive when they are skinned.

Everything you're eating
is genetically modified.

- Your bun has moths in it.
- The bun has moths?

I see.

Are you having a hard time here,
languagewise?

The language, the food...
No, I'm fine. I'm fine.

- You seem a bit stressed out.
- Uh-huh.

Well, I just found out my girlfriend's a slut.

- What do you mean?
- She has sex with many men,

over and over... long periods of time.

For money, probably.
So she can't get enough.

- Yeah. Good stuff, huh?
- Yeah.

It's weird that you called.
I just took it out of my workshop,

and I'm just finishing it off.

And there it is!

But... what is it? Who is it?

It's you.

Not bad, eh?

It's beautiful.
Your style's really developed.

Yeah, you're right.

- Thank you.
- No, thank you.

It's you. It's incredible.

Maybe I'm the asshole,
I drove her to this.

All these accusations,
eventually they lead to something.

Maybe I don't wanna expose myself to her
completely, be honest with her,

because I'm afraid of hearing
what she has to say about her own past.

Either way there's not a true exchange,
it's not real honesty.

Sounds stupid, but I've never admitted
to anybody that I've masturbated.

I see what you're saying,

- but, man, love is everything we have.
- Uh-huh.

See, the world around us is going to shit,
and all we have left is each other.

Right.

- You know I'm a fairy.
- Oh... Yeah, well, I...

- No, no, like a real fairy.
- Oh, a real... Uh-huh.

You need to go back to her.
She's not a slut.

Maybe you need to be more careful with
her, meaning "full of care, care more".

At the end of your life you'll look back,
what will you think of?

Of the job you got or didn't get,
or the money you made? No.

You will think of the people you loved, and
especially of the one woman you loved.

And, even better, she'll be right there...

holding your hand.

Hm-mm.

- I'll be right back.
- OK.

- You're gonna have to run.
- Run back to her?

No, just run. When the alarm goes off,
you run. It's a delayed fire.

- Excuse me?
- My number if you need help. I'm Lukas.

The restroom's full of smoke.
Someone locked the door.

I'll explain about the messages.

What will you tell him?

That it was a joke,
that I don't give a shit,

and that I obviously don't love you!

Nobody wants me.
I can't take it anymore!

That's not tr...

Come on out of there.

What are you doing?
Don't break or dirty anything.

I'll call your sister.

Fuck, this is stupid.

I ran into Iraq.

Whoa, hey. Pardon...

Outta my way, jerk!

My bag, my bag! It's him!

My bag! Thief! Thief!

No, no, moi America.
I speak English. English!

Oh, the guy. He went over there.

American, my ass! Filthy Arab!

My bag!

Police!

No, no, no! No, no, no!

Oh!

No! No, no! Comedy of errors.
Le doppelg?nger! The doppelg?nger!

I'm an interior designer, for fuck's sake.
Marion!

Marion, just come out, OK?

Mathieu doesn't want to touch me.
I repulse men! I'm a fat tuna!

What's all this?

No, I tried to kiss her, but
she keeps sobbing, it's impossible.

Of course. She's in love
with her boyfriend. No psychology!

Marion, what got into you,
wanting to screw this idiot?

I'll leave you to it.

Sorry, sir, we made a mistake.
We're really sorry.

You've been terrific. Thank you.

- Are you sure it's not him?
- Yes, we're sure.

I don't know what you're saying,
but you have a wonderful singing voice.

A cup of tea.

Sorry about your soap holder.

I'm sorry too.

What did you do?

- I dropped it by accident.
- You broke it?

- The poor guy. You show up...
- I'm horrible, I know.

The old fill-in guy!

We get all wound up with jealousy
and shit, and we've got everything!

We're shallow with
bourgeois problems, as mom says.

And there are people dying in wars.

Marion, don't start again.

The other day
I read this article that said...

What?

We use more toilet paper than men
because we wipe when we pee.

Each time I wipe now
I think about it.

- About what?
- All that we destroy.

Oh, l?, l?.

I love you, sister.
You're a pain, but I adore you.

Is it your little bunny?

No, it's you.

I'm talking to you.

- Thank you, sister.
- You're so dumb!

I'd better go.

- And see your guy?
- I don't know.

Hi.

Hey.

I don't know you.

What are you talking about?
Are you drunk?

I was at this fast-food restaurant
and I'm holding hands with this fairy,

- right before he sets the place on fire...
- A fairy?

No, not a gay person.
You know, like from heaven?

Or a schizophrenic vegan, maybe.
He hated fast food.

I realise something so basic,
I mean, so basic.

- I don't know you.
- You don't know me.

No?

To sum up the four hours
of discussion that followed,

it's not easy being in a relationship,
much less to truly know the other one

and accept them as they are,
with all their flaws and baggage.

- Marion!
- You shaved an "M"?

Jack confessed to me his fear
of being rejected if I truly knew him,

if he showed himself totally bare to me.

Jack realised after two years that he didn't
know me at all, nor did I know him.

And to truly love each other we needed
to know the truth about each other,

even if it's not so easy to take.

So I told him the truth,
which was I'd never cheated on him.

And I also told him that
I had just seen Mathieu that afternoon.

He did not get mad at me because
nothing had happened, of course.

I confessed the toughest thing for me was
to decide to be with someone for good -

the idea that this is the man
I'm going to spend the rest of my life with.

To decide that I will make the effort
to work things out

and not run off the minute there is
a problem is very difficult for me.

I told him I could not be for just one man
for the rest of my life.

It was a lie, but I said it anyway.

He asked me if I thought I was a squirrel,

collecting men like nuts
to put away for cold winters.

I thought it was quite funny.

Then he said something
that hurt my feelings.

The tone changed drastically.

Then I misunderstood him. I thought
he meant he didn't love me any more

- and wanted to break up with me.
- You wanna break up with me?

It always fascinates me how people go
from loving you madly, to nothing at all.

Nothing.

It hurts so much.

When I feel someone will leave me
I have a tendency to break up first

before I get to hear the whole thing.

Here it is. One more, one less,
another wasted love story.

I really loved this one.

When I think that it's over,
that I'll never see him again...

Well, I'll bump into him, we'll meet
our new boyfriend and girlfriend,

act as if we had never been together.

Then we'll slowly think of each other
less and less,

until we forget each other completely.

Almost.

Always the same for me -
break up, break down.

Drink up, fool around,
meet one guy, then another,

fuck around to forget the one and only.

Then after a few months of emptiness,
start again to look for true love.

Desperately look everywhere
and, after two years of loneliness,

meet a new love and swear it is the one,
until that one is gone as well.

There's a moment in life where you can't
recover any more from another break-up.

And even if this person bugs you 60% of
the time, you still can't live without him.

And even if he wakes you up every day
by sneezing right in your face,

well, you love his sneezes
more than anyone else's kisses.

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