2 Alone in Paris (2008) - full transcript
Everybody in Paris has vanished exept a clueless cop and the robber he's been pursuing for years.
Blondot?
Gervais Blondot?
Are you receiving me?
Hello? Yes, sorry.
-Gervais here. Terrible reception.
-I got the image.
It must be the bark.
It was your idea, Blondot!
That's better.
I'm gonna nail him this time.
Shut up. Are you ready?
I'm in position. I'm ready.
-Here he comes.
-Don't move.
He's right there!
He just passed by,
one meter from me.
He's crossing the street.
Did you hear me?
He's going to the ATM.
He'll never spot me.
We did tests,
no one spotted me.
-What are you up to?
-Beat it!
Who the hell was that?
I asked you to secure the area!
Damn it!
Quiet down! You'll give us away.
He's coming your way.
He's coming.
Mayday!
The flap's stuck.
He didn't spot me.
He threw something at me.
-He's smoked me out!
-He spotted you?
He set me on fire!
I'm burning!
So you are.
Tough it out, Blondot.
It won't go out!
It's no joke. I'm on fire!
He's a mega-crackpot!
I'm going in!
Police! Stop that truck!
Holy shit!
-Move!
-Out the way!
Let the pineapple through!
Curtis!
Let me through!
Move!
Scram, bitch!
Curtis, pull over!
What's he doing there?
Stop that truck!
We're good!
Keep your hat on, the sun's strong.
Keep it straight.
When we get home,
I'll massage you.
Move it! Move it!
Sorry! Keep going!
Go, Michel!
That's nifty parking.
Jeez!
What a buzz!
That's what I call a heist!
That's bank property!
Police! Dammit!
Hey, the boy scout, hand it over!
Let go!
It's mine!
Scout's honor!
Put that money down!
It belongs to the Bank of France.
You'll be charged as accomplices.
Help yourselves!
Awesome!
That's the best yet!
KEEP UP THE GOOD WORK!
CURTIS
It's Gervais!
I lobbied hard to get plasmas.
They're touchscreens.
No, they're not.
I asked for touchscreens.
Call this Philip guy
and get him to change them.
They make our image more modern.
That's why I'm a captain.
How old would you say I am?
Twenty-six? Twenty-seven?
Share the joke?
Absolutely, boss.
That's good. It's witty.
Photographic humor.
Cigarette?
Coffee?
So, you cutie pie punk,
you thought you'd make a fool of me?
You had a good laugh, huh?
Nobody laughs at Big Gervais.
I had my eye on you all the time.
Dream on, I'm too fast for you.
C'mon, tell me why you did it.
To eat?
Poor diddums, he's hungry?
Mommy, not food in flidge...
I don't give a shit!
It's not my problem.
Here, in France, you pay for stuff!
In French francs!
In euros!
Can I go now, officer?
Don't give me
any of your cutesy crap.
Hey, Gervais, we were worried.
You got on your feet?
Complete idiots, these people.
Pathetic little children!
What's holding me back?
Let me teach you a lesson.
See him? That's Curtis.
He started out stealing sausages.
Merguez sausages.
His first conviction was...
Armed robbery. No kidding?
But apparently there were traces
of merguez in his sandwich.
So, bit of merguez
equals sausage theft
equals prison.
Got that, Chang-Chang?
Go on...
Get lost!
Thank you, officer.
How do they see anything?
Fifty-seven thousand.
Of course,
it has a certificate of authenticity?
Absolutely.
Every piece
is examined by Mr. Shamme,
the expert at Drouot auction rooms.
I'll think it over
and call you back this afternoon.
-Have a good day, sir.
-Madam.
What got into you?
Are you a complete idiot?
"Mr. Shamme"?
You must be kidding.
I mean,
"What a Shamme, it's a fake!"
What have you got for me?
Six magnificent tickers!
These are the real deal.
Top quality.
The finest watchmakers.
One thousand.
-What? They're worth ten times more.
-Not at all.
-Yes at all.
-Bye at all.
No, not bye.
I mean, okay.
And dinner?
Just you and me, one on one,
at the Casa di Fettucine. Tonight.
Tonight, I'm busy.
What a Shamme!
Tomorrow?
If you're still alive.
The Bouglioni brothers are after you.
No way! I told them Monday.
It's not Monday.
It's not the money anymore.
The Bouglioni brothers
could be joking.
They're a family of jokers.
Hold on, could I have my money?
I have to go to the bank.
I'll have it later.
I'll be at Hotel Capucine,
Rue Capron. Room nine.
Ice the champagne.
Perfect.
What's the Bouglionis' beef with me?
Such fun,
standing by the window all day...
Such fun,
standing by the window all day...
Such fun, standing by...
So, it's Hotel Capucine, Rue Capron?
What's with you?
I'm looking...
Sorry...
It's too big!
Give me some room.
That's better.
Sorry!
Wrong way up.
We been here already.
Turn right.
Even if I say "straight ahead",
you watch my hand.
Follow my hand!
Get it out of my face!
-Follow my hand!
-Shit!
-Where's the map?
-We're lost.
He threw the map out the window!
We already been this way.
I give the directions.
If he doesn't follow,
we'll go wrong.
He has to follow them!
He has to start by listening.
You've got to listen!
I give up!
C'mon, Claudine!
Come on! Come on!
Go, Gervais, go!
Go, Gervais, go!
Stop, Gervais.
Please, stop.
Go easy, Gervais.
Easy...
It's stuck.
You've fucked the ice.
The sheet's unplayable.
You douchebag!
You're a criminal. Look at that.
Hold on...
I won't. You make me sick!
I've got the rules here,
which say that the home team
"must provide a rink
in perfect condition..."
It was!
Not anymore, I'm sorry.
"If not, the score on the board
shall be considered final."
Five-four to us!
You make me sick!
Douchebag!
Five-four! Five!
Five-four to us!
The Alglaglas
can stick it up their...
We got five!
We've got five to four!
Five, four, four, four...
The Committee
will hear of this!
Now I'm sure, it's straight ahead.
Keep going straight.
That's right.
Okay...
No, it's not here.
I got it wrong.
Sorry about that.
You get it wrong too sometimes.
All of you do.
-I give up.
-We're in the right direction.
It's with great pride
that I accept the Idi Amin trophy,
having beaten Asnières
for the fifth time.
You've got a nerve! Cheat!
Twenty years I've been curling
and 20 years
I've respected the rules.
Respect for the rules
is respect for ourselves and life!
Curl for life!
That should mean something.
If you're not happy, beat it!
Not you!
-You're marrying a criminal.
-What?
At least, my wife hasn't left me
because I'm a wino!
What?
He was drunk
and she walked out on him.
His son committed suicide.
Hanging from a cellar.
He'd melt ice with his breath.
There you are, sir.
-But I ordered fries.
-Those are fries.
-No, that's pasta.
-They're fries, sir.
-Don't bullshit me. It's pasta.
-They're fries.
I've been a waiter ten years.
They're fries.
-What's that then?
-Water, sir.
You think I'm an idiot?
I can tell pasta from...
Jeez!
I must have said Saturday.
Yes, I'm two days late.
A message for the cheat.
Please bring the mic back
before we close the rink.
I'm sorry.
I was a bit mean,
but rules are rules.
You can't use what he told us
in private against him.
By revealing his drink problem,
he trusted us.
I trusted him
when I gave him my cup.
He broke it...
Sorry.
You're obsessed with your silly cup!
-Stop it.
-We're getting married tomorrow.
Don't you think I'd prefer to hear
that it'll be
the best day of your life?
-Sure...
-I haven't finished!
I'm warning you.
You'll be sitting
next to Aunt Janine. If I hear
you utter the idiotic name "Curtis",
you'll be eating chicken nuggets
at the kiddies' table!
What?
I won't let your incompetence
ruin my wedding!
Yesterday, I was this close...
Be quiet!
Face it, you'll never catch him!
Get the idea out of your head.
Anyways, I love you
and can't wait to be at the altar.
Me, too. I love you, too.
You know very well.
Not before we're married.
That's right.
I can't wait.
See how I rubbed that rink?
Just think how I...
We'll see who's incompetent.
I'm gonna nail you, Curtis.
I'll nail him!
Right...
His most recent...
Yo! Shut up!
His most recent movements reveal
that he stole the ATM
on Boulevard Haussmann
and dumped it on Place de l'Opéra.
Boulevard Haussmann, Opéra...
Haussmannéra...
Connemara...
Camera...
Hi-fi...
Fnac!
The store!
He's going to hold up
the Fnac store!
He's going to hold up
the Fnac store.
Boy, I'm good!
The noose is tightening.
You're trapped.
Not now!
Self-control.
The jab.
No, not now.
Genius! I know where he is!
Xavier!
Open up!
Daddy's not in.
He's dead.
It's me, Gervais!
Open up!
-Are you alone?
-Stop that!
I thought you were
from Social Services.
Can you do my jab?
I'll be right there.
No...
Itchy!
Daddy's not in.
It's me!
Again!
He's dead.
Xavier.
Concierge!
You have to learn
to do your jabs yourself.
I won't always be around for you.
I know...
Look, you live next door,
you're my neighbor,
you're on welfare
and I pay half your rent.
You're not going anywhere, huh?
You still have to learn.
You have concentration issues.
You remember when I had a dog?
I taught him a word a day.
One day,
somebody rang the doorbell.
I was sitting here. The dog sat up
and just like that,
he said "Doorbell!"
Really?
He'd heard the doorbell.
Xavier, you never had a dog.
You can only say
stuff like that to me.
Okay.
-Right?
-Right.
Hi, it's Curtis.
What was I going to say?
I know.
I got the Bouglionis' message
that you couldn't make our date.
I mean...
You didn't have to bother them.
You could've texted me.
-That would've been fine.
-Hello.
I'm glad you called.
I just spoke to the Bouglionis.
They think they smoked you.
I can tell them they're wrong.
-Sure, but...
- What?
Well, the two of us.
Yes?
Your eyes meeting mine.
I mean, we're on the same page...
It's pretty obvious.
The start of something...
No, don't.
The connection, our eyes meeting...
Straight up,
we've got something.
Hello?
RUN FAR AWAY
BIG TROUBLE
START A NEW LIFE
Why'd I buy that?
That sucks.
I must've been drunk!
Curtis will walk
straight into my trap.
What's more...
tonight, with the pep pills
and flask of coffee,
I'm smoking!
I don't believe it.
Doofus is here.
It's gonna be a wonderful day.
Please, this is fine.
C'mon, Gervais, your morning run!
Police!
He's an outlaw!
Scram!
Excuse me, move!
-What?
-What are you doing?
Alright, go.
Move!
The garbage guy's gone crazy!
Don't give a shit!
I told you to move!
Stop, Curtis!
Stop!
-Leave me alone!
-Halt right there!
Stop!
What are you doing?
Shut up!
Why's he walk leaning backward?
Why are you fat?
Shut the hell up!
Go on, shoot!
Why you got a gun?
You got attacked by a trash can?
Stop! Stop him!
Leave me alone!
Police!
Curtis?
What is this?
What's going on?
What the heck!
This isn't funny.
There's something wrong.
This is stupid.
Seriously!
This is the Champs-Elysées!
McDonald?
The McDonalds have moved.
They've gone.
Cupcake, it's me.
Avoid the Champs-Elysées,
it's a total lockdown.
God knows what they're doing.
I didn't even hear about it at HQ.
I can't wait to see you
at the altar later.
I hope it's mutual.
Xavier!
You have the wedding rings.
Stop acting dumb!
I'll have to knock down the door.
Fine!
Juliette!
Sorry, I'm a policeman.
I know all the tricks.
Open!
Juliette!
Good evening, Mrs. Abbababa,
this is Inspector Gervais Blondot.
I'd like to know...
This may sound strange.
... if you're there?
Hello?
Fine.
Please call Inspector Blondot
as soon as you can.
Good evening, Mr. Aggaga,
I'm calling you
with regard to lots of people's
simultaneous disappearance.
Please call when you get back
from your absence.
Good evening,
Mr. Ababoubou.
Sorry...
This is Inspector
Gervais Blondot
from the first precinct.
Please call me
as soon as you're back
from this absence phenomenon.
That's so rude!
Good evening...
There are always people here!
Lots of Arabs.
Where are you, Arab people?
The Arabs and the Blacks!
Have you all gone home?
Please call me urgently
if you're here.
C'mon!
Good evening, Mrs. A. Benamar...
This is...
You should know you're not alone.
I'm alone, too.
If there's two of you,
we can be three.
There's strength in numbers!
No reply from the A. Benamars.
Police!
Come out of your hiding places!
Jean-Pierre?
Speak to me!
Jean-Pierre!
Calling all...
Paris!
It's all gone quiet!
Paris!
It's all gone quiet!
Good evening,
Mr. Zrivo...
Zryvecowski! It's not hard.
Yes! Zibodibiski!
Are you some joker?
I'll hang up.
No! Don't!
Just kidding!
Talk after the beep, suckers!
Sick of people
and their dumbass messages!
Zissorkivich, you're not funny!
That one's done.
Cupcake,
I'm starting
to believe the Greek poet
who said that one missing person
makes the world seem empty.
There!
I've left the sum of 35 euros.
Where are you all? I don't get this.
There, Juliette.
I love you, my darling Juliette.
For all my life!
Day eight without people,
case of the pickpockets
at Charles-de-Gaulle solved.
There are no more...
pickpockets.
Pickpockets... Done.
How do they enter internet?
There must be a key.
Internet key...
How does Caro do it?
Internet...
Maybe it's voice activated.
Internet!
Stéphane never tidies his desk.
We have waste baskets.
This is France!
Internet!
Thank you!
Thank you, Blondot!
Ben Johnson! Ben Johnson!
Come on!
I'm not all alone!
I'm not alone, yay!
Oh no...
Shit!
I love this LP!
And... Now! Now!
The Pentagon!
Clear view of all nine sides.
Shit!
Let's go!
What the hell's going on?
Shit. Come on!
Someone!
My wheel.
Yes!
Gently does it.
Where you going? Hold on!
The tire...
I've got no wheel and no brake.
Thank God, no one can see me.
You are so beautiful to me
Please accept this gift,
it captures my mood perfectly.
I miss you.
Your Gentle-Oriental, Curtis.
Suspect has stolen
various sports cars,
such as a McLaren,
even though he...
What did I write?
We have a problem.
C'mon, be brave.
It's okay.
Pompidou!
I wasn't asleep.
I wasn't!
Remember to erase
security cam tapes.
We remind you that all exchanges
take place at Register 29.
That's terrible parking.
Ride a bike, sucker!
Ladies and gentlemen,
the store will soon be closing.
Can you bring us up
more Charles Aznavour?
Please proceed
to the nearest register.
This way,
you'll get the message, dumbo.
Even if you can't read very well.
Let's go.
OKAY, CURTIS,
HALT RIGHT THERE
I've gotta get out more.
We live and die together.
We won't get ten chances today.
Make them count.
Our strength... Shit!
Thank you.
Thank you, France!
We'll bust our guts for you!
Let's go, guys!
C'mon!
Through ball, triangle.
Kick feint, square-X.
Sprint, R1!
Ready?
Tenth day with no news of Curtis.
His movements follow no logic.
It doesn't represent anything.
He hasn't been
to Place de la Nation once.
Shoot.
Cut it out!
That's so dumb!
Xavier!
Stop!
Stupid damn system!
No, stop!
Mommy!
I'm stuck!
Someone!
Zidane!
The lights!
Sleep, rest...
Like that...
And that goes...
there like that.
What can that possibly...
A beaver!
With a cell phone.
A beaver with a cell phone.
A beaver with a cell phone?
No...
Yes.
A beaver with a cell phone.
Beaver phone...
Beaver fu...
Kung fu!
He's in Chinatown!
Hey, Doofus!
Are you there?
Gervais?
Shit!
Gervais!
I'll count to three, then I'm gone.
Cutie pie punk!
I'll throw you in jail!
His vehicle
is totally unsuited to the city.
Oh shit!
Come on!
Curtis!
What's the code?
Five-two-one-eight.
Thanks.
Stop!
This isn't funny.
Can't you see there's just us?
Sadly for you,
I have a head for heights.
I'm half-Comanche and half-Norman.
Right.
And a hundred percent fat slob.
Touché .
Let me go now!
-Freeze!
-Calm down.
Hands on your head!
Good to see you.
All the people have gone...
Shut up!
My God.
It's the best day of my life!
You go in and out of my life.
Ten years on the run!
It feels so good!
Shit!
Stay...
Stay there, it's a dead end.
You can't run.
Watch me.
How'd I do that?
How'd he do that?
Stop your ass! Halt your ass!
Carl Lewis!
Halt right there.
PARIS WAXWORKS MUSEUM
ENTRANCE - EXIT
Say goodbye to the family, let's go.
Sure.
-Tito, Jermaine...
-C'mon, Michael.
See you, bros.
Dinner time!
There you are, Curtis.
Where else would you be?
I braised you some chicken.
You'll see, it's chicken and mash.
I bought it at the farmer's market.
Wake up, Curtis.
Give me the key.
-Give me the key now!
-Whatcha gonna do?
You gonna eat me
like all the others?
You ate them!
-You're nuts! I didn't eat anyone!
-Cannibal!
-The key!
-Look!
Don't do that.
Give me the key.
-Give it!
-They're over there.
-Go get the key.
-You're going to jail.
I'm there already.
You deserve worse,
worse than torture.
What's that?
You're gonna put me down like a dog?
Is that your plan?
This is different.
I have minor, very minor issues...
-What kind?
-About controlling my nerves.
-The jab's for you?
-Yes.
It's a small injection
that I have to give myself but...
You're totally spaced!
On the contrary,
I'm perfectly lucid.
-Lucid? Open up.
-More than you!
Yeah, you look really lucid.
That's so totally lucid.
-That's mean.
-Shut up!
-Open up!
-Can it, bitch!
-Can it? You locked me up!
-Wasn't talking to you.
Could you give me a tiny injection
to cure the nerve problem
I get at night? Midnight!
Happy New Year!
Bubbly!
You're nuts!
No way am I giving you a jab.
Six milliliters.
-Please.
-You lock me up. Why'd I do that?
I'll mention it in your file.
Because you have a file on me?
We have a lot to pin on you.
Who're you gonna tell?
We're all alone.
You gonna tell it to a judge?
Go find one.
He can give you your jab, too.
-Please.
-No, no please.
Get the key.
First, you...
I'll do it when I'm out.
I said outside.
Put the key in.
-I won't run.
-I don't trust you.
-The key!
-Rub my arm.
No, you "wo-wo".
Don't "wo-wo" me!
-Rub.
-Put the key in.
Calm down, I'm rubbing.
Turn the key.
-The syringe...
-Turn the key.
-Jab.
-Turn.
-I'm jabbing.
-Press.
-I'm pressing.
-I'm turning.
There you go!
I got you there, my friend!
See you later.
Report in every day at four p.m., okay?
Sure! I'll be there at four.
Thank God, no one saw me.
That's pretty.
Souvenir photo.
Isn't that Curtis?
Sure is.
GERVAIS = MY BITCH
The tree of knowledge.
Sorry. 'Scuse me.
'Scuse me.
It's MC Curtis
One, two
C-U-R-T-I-S
Mr. Lover Curtis
Gotta be ready.
Want a merguez?
Don't you miss chicks?
What are you anyway, a chick?
Whatever,
you've got something special.
Anyways, you're special.
After how long without people,
would you start
to need a little loving?
How long can you hold out?
Got any taboos?
Good Tag, ich bin Inspektor Blondot
from Frankreich police.
Ich call Sie up
weil in Paris nicht nobody ist.
Ich bin vanished.
Ich bin nicht kaputt.
Was ist das?
Ja, people in Baden-Baden.
Call ich on
zero-three-four-three...
five-four-four-one.
Thanks. Danke schön.
How you doing?
I'm working. What do you want?
You told me to report in,
so here I am.
I told you to be there next day.
That was a week ago.
I had stuff to do.
Now, I have stuff to do.
-Like what?
-Work.
-Such as?
-Work.
I have work to do, too.
If you want to report in,
come back at four p.m.
Don't bust my balls with your rules,
we're all alone!
What good are rules?
We're not all alone!
It's a temporary situation.
I'd finished it!
Get off me!
This phenomenon already happened,
in Nevada in 1964.
A whole village disappeared
and reappeared next day
30 miles away.
I heard about that.
It was a fairground.
-Really?
-Yes.
Sounds logical.
Excuse me...
Are you married?
I don't recall from your file.
Polygamous.
Right! "Lopygamous".
Polygamous.
So you've had sex?
Pardon me?
"So you've had sex"?
-I was just...
-Say that again!
We've all had sex.
What kinda question is that?
You've never had sex?
-Sure.
-You haven't!
-I wanted to know if you had.
-You can see I have.
-Me, too.
-No, you've never had sex.
Shame on you!
You've never had sex!
-I have. You do this.
-No way!
-I've already done it.
-What's it feel like?
Like you're shivering
with gooseflesh.
Of course, I've had sex.
At least, I was going to...
What do I care anyway!
Isn't this whack?
There's nobody here.
Nobody answers.
Absolutely wax.
Whack!
Whack.
Whack.
I never saw anything so spooking.
Spooky.
You don't say spooking.
It's totally out-far.
I remember the first time...
Sorry? Totally out where?
Out-far.
Get with it, it's street.
To think it's two weeks
I shoulda been married.
Ring on the finger!
Eleven carats.
The big cheese.
Tough shit.
I don't mind.
I should be dead by now.
This is cool.
Better to travel alone than...
travel dead.
You wanna see something wild?
Put that away.
Done with the Bs.
I wanna show you something.
Thanks.
Welcome to the Petit Palais Museum.
Opposite is the Grand Palais.
Two months ago,
you could've seen the Medium Palais.
-But they sold it to the US.
-Really?
They called it the Medium Palace.
Watch out, I've waxed the floor.
That's so whack.
No, I said waxed...
I bashed up my wrist.
If you go charging into statues...
Curtis Expo?
It's where I keep my paintings.
What's that?
The Arch of the Foot.
-You took that?
-From NYC.
And that?
The Mannskin Pis...
-It's bigger than I thought.
-Five meters.
Okay?
Herbal Medicine Laboratory! Perfect!
This is perfect.
It's full of plants.
Medicines all come from plants.
You mean that can cure me?
All of that?
Does that cure wrists?
Aldrovanda vesiculosa ?
I don't think so.
That's for the...
eyelids.
If you have stiff or achy eyelids.
-Stiff eyelids?
-It happens. Photographers...
How'd you know all this?
I already told you, my grandfather
was a Chivaro...
of the Comanche tribe.
If my grandfather could see this.
Let's analyze...
Perfect! Sarsaparilla!
You talk Smurf?
No, Peyo stole it
from the Comanches.
The Indians used it on holes,
mostly arrow holes.
Your sleeve.
-Here goes.
-You're sure?
Certain.
Pardon me?
What's all that?
Comanche incantations.
My grandfather taught me.
Stop, it's itching.
Stop it! It's itching.
Maybe I got it wrong.
-My wrist's stiff and swollen!
-Let's analyze it.
Stop whining.
No, it's a herb you use on leather.
-It's leathera anatanae .
-It's your sleeve!
-What?
-That's your sleeve.
Sorry.
Do something, I can't stand it.
The plant has like tiny piranhas
attacking each other...
They look pretty hyper.
I'd hate that on my skin.
Are you nuts?
It's totally itching!
We'll find a cream.
No way!
You made a dick out of me!
I'm a police officer!
My eye! You got it in my eye!
My God, I can't see!
Can we go home now?
There's nobody anywhere!
But there'll be people in Marseille.
We'll definitely find someone.
How are you gonna find them?
With my state of the art
police antennas,
I can detect signs of life
200 meters away.
Von Strudel,
ve vill go round ze Maginot...
Stop it.
Give me a hand.
Come here,
I have something to tell you.
What?
My real name isn't Curtis.
My real name is Abdelkader.
I'm Arab.
What?
I never told you.
You can't be serious.
I am serious.
You make me sick!
Chill.
Calm down!
He says he's an Arab.
You make me sick!
-Why? 'Cos I'm Arab.
-No, 'cos you lied to me.
Calm down.
Mr. Curtis from Argentina, he said.
I'm Abdelkader from Argenteuil.
You created
one hell of an alter-ego.
Anyway, half a confession's
better than a nun.
You've won yourself a beatnik.
You brought a picnic?
Yeah,
for Abdelkader from Argenteuil.
That's so sweet.
-Gervais?
-What?
It's the first time in decades
anyone's cooked for me.
Cut it out. Your Ma cooked for you
when you were a kid.
-You're joking!
-Here, tabouleh. Merguez...
My Ma never looked after me
like this.
Yeah, I know. I saw a documentary
about Arabs once.
After the birth,
you're left to fend for yourself.
You're mixing us up with hyenas.
If you're Arab,
you don't eat chips.
No, I don't eat chips.
I'll eat your share
and I'll give you my egg.
I never told anyone this...
I must have been 11
and to get my parents' attention,
I worked hard at school for once.
I got 11 out of 20 in Math.
And when you were 12, you got 12?
Sorry.
It was Math that you had to...
You guys are good at Math.
I mean, didn't you invent Math?
Sorry. I'm listening to you.
I take my test home...
No reaction from my folks.
That's hard-boiled!
After three days, I go to see my Ma...
I look at her, and she grunts:
"Not bad."
Not bad, not bad...
My Ma speaks French.
It was only 11 out of 20.
For me, 11's a great score.
No kidding!
Getting 11 was a real achievement.
And her "not bad"
really pissed me off!
Next day,
I packed up and I was gone.
-Aged 11?
-Eleven, yeah.
Your knapsack, couscous and...
No, it all fitted in a fanny pack.
I never told anyone this before.
Straight up, it hurts.
I'm touched.
If, at 11,
you lost a family of Arabs...
It's still family!
It's no big deal, they were Arabs.
You've won a new Gervais!
Come get your hug!
This is stupid.
It's amazing!
Gervais, it feels so good.
I never got any hugs.
Jeez! You're a hungry bunny.
I can hear your belly rumbling.
That's not my belly.
Watch out! What the hell?
Curtis! Come here!
Come here!
-No!
-Wait!
-No, I'll wait.
-Curtis, wait!
For a nice quiet vacation,
I suggest
the Riviera.
Hook up with the family...
Kick back a few days...
Spicy food, massages, sun,
the full package.
Now!
Hey, it's that dork Curtis!
Curtis goes to St. Tropez, too!
I'll tell you when. Be careful!
I'll bleed you like a pig!
Come on!
Fucking stupid picnic!
Asshole!
-You asshole!
-This means...
Your stupid picnic idea!
In the middle of a highway!
Get lost!
-On the bright side...
-Beat it!
-The people came back.
-That's the problem!
Didn't you see?
That's the problem.
If he slices me...
I'll slice you!
I'm not a loaf of bread.
We're parked over here.
I'll kill you!
That's good, Abdelkader, let it out!
I'm wondering
what I'm still doing here with you.
Look...
I didn't know.
How could I know? Give me a break.
They came back a few minutes.
It's a good sign.
Next time, a half-hour.
The time after that, an hour...
-And the time after that, I'm dead.
-It's crazy.
I'll help you with the Bouglionis.
We'll find a solution.
I like you,
but you gotta make an effort.
-Stop! What's going on?
-I'm fine.
Look, your mouth's wobbling.
-What the heck?
-Put it back!
I do everything for you.
You scratched it!
They're gonna kill me.
Can you believe it?
Young people today...
-Gervais?
-What?
What do you like about me?
I don't understand.
You said you like me,
but you can't.
You chase me for ten years,
now you like me?
It's pure, selfless friendship,
to be nice.
So what do you like the most?
-You'll run down the battery.
-C'mon!
-What I like about you...
-I'm all ears.
You gotta be faster than that.
When I walk into a room,
you think...
-That guy's so...
-He's so...
-What I like most...
-Is...
Is that you're...
More than anyone else I know.
Seriously?
You noticed that?
I love it when you say
stuff like that... Five!
Five what?
Gimme five!
Hey, be careful.
-Jeez!
-It's overheating.
They're back. I knew it!
I'm so smart! I'm giga-smart!
The Bouglionis!
I knew it! I'm so smart!
Don't let them come back.
I knew it! You're back!
Juliette!
I'm okay.
Yes!
-You okay, sir?
-Just wonderful.
Number six.
Seventy-seven eighty, please.
Sorry?
-Pump number six?
-Yes.
Seventy-seven eighty.
You're not fuc...
I mean...
There you are.
Thank you, sir.
What's this?
ROBBERY AT ART FOUNDATION
The Louvre stripped bare
by a mysterious...
You sure you're okay?
I'm fine. Where's the phone?
Twenty-five minutes to pay up.
This is stupid!
Gervais.
Freeze! Police!
Get up!
-Hands up!
-Move it!
Okay, I'm coming out.
I'm getting up.
Where were you?
On the Champs-Elysées.
Take a seat in the office.
Where were you?
Hi, honey...
Running out on me.
Who do you think you are?
But I couldn't...
You couldn't what?
-You said...
- I'm talking!
Don't interrupt!
You do all the talking,
you call me 15 times a day
and then you vanish! The wedding!
Gervais, the wedding!
Remember,
I was the one who proposed...
So why would I just vanish?
What do I look like?
You acted like a kid
who can't answer the question.
Don't interrupt!
Let's just imagine...
You turn up...
Do you realize
how much the catering cost me?
Go easy back there.
What's going on?
Just some buddies doing their job.
I had big plans. We were going far.
Sit!
I am sitting.
Not you!
Right.
That's gotta hurt.
- What's going on behind you?
-Nothing.
You made a fool out of me.
You don't care, you have no family.
- Down!
-I'm in someone's office.
I can't.
I didn't mean you!
Sorry.
I know what we can do.
Call the priest
and fix it for Saturday.
I'm free Saturday. Saturday's good.
You're a pain!
Come on, Kenzo.
Let's get to work.
Stop being childish.
He'll only tell us where
the paintings are if you ask him.
-Fine, I resign.
-Pardon me?
My Mom told me in hospital...
I don't give a shit!
Go interrogate the suspect.
If I'm face to face with him,
you'll all disappear.
It's not a joke.
Motherfucker!
Asshole!
Shut up!
It's not me, it's him.
He's saying shut up!
Not another word!
Not another word!
It's okay, officer.
I can't hear him! I can't see him!
-You back-stabbing bastard!
-Can't hear you.
You scumbag!
Worthless shit!
That's right.
I know how it works now, too.
Come on, open up.
If you wanna see your chick,
we've gotta get on,
so go get the keys.
Fast!
It's so unfair...
You want a ride back to Paris?
-Beat it, traitor!
-Come on, please.
C'mon Curtis...
Great car!
Bullshit! That's just fine.
It's fine!
What's he driving?
You're speeding!
Floor it!
Third gear!
Let's go, Gervais!
Like when I shot at you,
and always missed.
I did it on purpose!
Yes, on purpose, Curtis!
That's not the act of a traitor.
Can you hear me?
Curtis?
Would a traitor guide you in traffic
like I did?
I said "Keep going!
Stop, there's a truck coming!"
And the truck missed you,
a bit like that game
when you have to move your frog.
It's like I was
another frog saying...
And you...
You hop and dodge the cars.
A traitor would've said
"C'mon, froggy, come, come".
Croak, my friend!
I'm sorry, but do you really think
you'd have told your real name
to a traitor?
I'm shaking my head.
You wouldn't have said it.
And now I know
your name is Mouloud...
It doesn't matter.
What matters is, you told me.
We need more people
giving their real name
to traitors. Or friends.
-He's sick.
- When we first met, we were...
acquaintances.
Then we became...
Stop talking shit!
... kind of buddies.
And now, we're real friends.
You've gotta trust me.
I have an idea...
Shit, what's that?
FIRST WEDNESDAY OF THE MONTH ALARM
Curtis!
I'll be right back.
Friendship is forever.
You're a total jerk!
Let go!
Hey, Curtis.
Sorry for the interruption.
If this works,
my technique's infallible.
I'll patent it with the police.
Oh no, red light!
There he is!
He's up there, yes!
I knew it!
My technique works.
I knew it!
Damn!
What the hell's he doing here?
I came to apologize.
I'm sorry, Curtis.
You don't turn a friend
into the cops, like I did.
Yeah, sure.
It's wrong.
I'm burning your file.
No more Curtis on file.
He doesn't exist.
Abdelkader from Argenteuil, sure.
He's a great guy.
But Curtis?
Never met him, don't know him.
Torture me, I won't say a word.
There you go! He's gone.
He was an artist.
Art was he.
You're my mail man.
How did you find me here?
Thanks to my technique.
It works!
I noticed that you like raps.
You like 50 Cent,
and I know your favorite track.
Amusement Park .
That leads to zoo. It's obvious.
Can you stop moving around,
so we can talk?
That's a freaky technique you have.
How many doors
has your building got?
Actually, it's like you.
Pretty freaky.
Freaky guy, freaky technique.
It's cool
and you're cool.
I was hoping you'd say that.
Now the people will come back.
No, nobody's back.
Hold on, hold on.
Wait.
Give me a kiss.
Touch me!
Cut it out.
-What's this?
-Caress me.
-What's this?
-Who cares! Caress me.
-You're bullshitting me!
-Why?
Pizzeria La Mozzarella!
That's not my file!
The Happy Couscous...
-It's...
-You just burned lunch bills.
La Chipolatax! You bullshitter,
I've never eaten there!
Where's my file?
-Your file?
-You idiot!
I've got it right here.
If you keep lying,
nobody'll come back.
-I have it here.
-So, burn it.
-I already burned one.
-You said you'd burn that one.
You know, a fire...
Burn it!
I can't burn it.
-Tough shit.
-Wait!
Great photo.
-Oh no...
-There you go!
You're crazy!
There are children here!
Completely crazy!
-What, sweetie?
-Look, it's your friend!
Hey, bros, it's Curtis!
Grab him!
Leave him to me!
We've been looking for you.
Throw him to the lions.
See you, Curtis...
Is he your friend?
-Is he your buddy?
-I'm just passing by.
-Get outta here!
-I was about to.
Motherfucker!
You traitor!
You're a real traitor!
What the hell is this?
Where's everybody gone?
-Run!
-Where's he going?
Get him!
This way!
-You'll slow me down!
-Together, we'll find the solution.
Leave me...
-Get him!
-He's mine!
My chicken's coming up.
I'll slow you down.
Go get him.
Come on!
You've got the fork.
Prong him!
Come on, Gervais.
We haven't got all day!
They're catching us!
-Jump, dammit!
-Go ahead. I'll hold them back.
I can't hear.
Come here and say it.
I can't!
Come on, Gervais!
Everybody!
There isn't anybody.
C'mon, you gotta want it!
There you go!
Straighten up.
Your abs. Push!
Straighten up.
You can do it.
Kick its ass!
What's going on? You jumped?
Why'd you jump?
You're lucky! Last week,
I was delivering cactuses.
Must be some kind of passage
in space and time.
I'll follow them.
-Are you sure?
-Watch me as I disappear.
First, we should check...
I can still see you. Is that normal?
Blanchette?
Want me to come with you?
What are you gonna do?
Where are you going?
You have a job, a wedding, a wife,
lots of things to do.
See you, my friend!
"Arriverdacioni!"
What about the Bouglionis?
I'm gonna take the first flight
out of here.
I'm an artist.
Send me anywhere, I'm fine.
I get by anywhere. Take care!
See ya!
Don't you wanna come to my wedding?
-When is it?
-Saturday.
I'll be dead by then!
The Bouglionis
could be at my place with guns.
What's wrong with you?
The Bouglionis decide
if and where you stay in France?
I'm sorry! In the birthplace
of human rights, the land of
Danton, Barbra Streisand,
Robespierre!
This country's
gonna go down on you, bro!
-You mean, be down with me.
-Yeah, be down.
We'll find a solution.
I ain't got one now.
-Ain't got what?
-One.
-What's that mean?
-Pass.
You say, I ain't got none!
I ain't got none solution.
Still got the paintings you stole
from the Louvre?
That I borrowed, sure.
Leave this to me.
I know who did it.
I know where the paintings are.
You found them
using your famous technique?
That's right!
Let me try to grasp
your skills of deduction.
Now, let's see.
Paintings, Louvre...
canvas, tents.
They're camping in the woods, right?
You find it funny?
If I'm not taken seriously,
I wonder what use I am?
Not much, to be honest.
Is that funny, too? Really?
I have a question.
Can I have just one last chance?
Sure!
What does it say here?
It's too far, I can't read it.
Apparently, I'm the only one
taking this seriously.
I know where they're hidden,
but so what?
You don't have
a monopoly on gravity!
You decide what's serious
and what isn't?
I know serious, compared to
what you think is serious.
What?
Report to my office right now!
Get back to work!
-How was I?
-Very good, captain.
Work!
Thanks, cap...
I'm going to see the captain!
In fact,
we're the ones who disappear.
The world's still out there.
Juliette's out there.
That's the thing.
-That's why my plan will work.
-Sure...
If we do the hard work first.
Don't worry.
Have I ever let you down?
One single time?
You're joking?
You're talking about...
That was before.
Curtis.
Now, we're a crew.
You're my honey.
What does that mean?
-I'm your honey?
-You never heard it?
See, I'm the pork...
A bit chewy.
And with a nice honey glaze...
Or a...
Homie, you mean.
You say you're my homie.
We're homies.
Hey, homie!
Not hey, honey!
Sweet and sour...
Curry!
-I think that's it.
-You're my sugar and spice!
You say that often,
or just to me?
It's way coolio.
Coolio's a rapper.
No kidding?
You say,
It's way cool...
Yo!
I love rap.
It shows.
Ma'am.
Hide in back, he won't be long.
Okay.
Are we having hors d'oeuvres?
He's coming?
After what I promised him.
She's our guarantee.
I don't understand.
When I whistle, he comes running.
Usually, Curtis is the punctual type
or a bit of a late-comer?
Ma'am the antique dealer?
Change of plan.
Meet me at 14, Rue du Temple.
Big up to the Quadricolors,
who are performing at the Galaxy
on the 21st.
Is that right, the 21st?
Where's my damn phone?
Gervais.
Juliette.
Before I pronounce you
husband and wife,
I ask the congregation
if anyone opposes your marriage.
Me!
I oppose...
this funeral?
Isn't this Rue du Temple?
Seventy-four.
Seventy-four.
I wanted 14!
-Sorry.
-No problem.
Enjoy! Goodbye.
I'll close it gently.
Those who knew Guy-Patrick
say he enjoyed the simple life.
I'll ram his stupid truck
up his ass!
He's allowed to deliver in Paris
from 7:30 - 12:30.
It's 12:25,
so he's within his rights.
If you want, I can check he's legal.
But Guy-Patrick partook
of more sophisticated pleasures,
particularly at night in Pigalle,
where he was known as The Admiral
after midnight
or Michette
after two in the morning.
He had his permit.
I shivved him, so we can get by.
Let's go.
Guy-Patrick was love.
He was, therefore, spiritual love.
But what would love be
without giving of one's body?
Guy-Patrick
truly gave of his body...
Curtis!
I'll smoke ya!
Is he here?
He's not here.
We've got the wrong edifice.
This is very trying...
Our apologies.
Have a good mass!
Gervais, Juliette.
You have come before the Lord today
to manifest your mutual love.
-Mutual, my ass!
-I beg your pardon!
Not him!
Cool it.
Pretend I'm not here.
Sorry.
Mr. Gervais Blondot.
Do you take as your lawful
wedded wife Juliette Fragnaud?
Alias The Skank!
Sir.
-I do.
-Does she want him?
What a moo cow!
Jesus!
-Say something!
-Keep going.
A cow for a pig, not bad!
That's enough!
Cool it!
You agree, but you won't admit it.
Never saw such a dirty freak!
You're too early!
-The Bouglionis aren't here.
-You said...
It's okay, Dad.
He's a friend.
-Hello.
-Dad.
This is a church.
-The Lord is here.
-Where?
It's your friend's wedding.
Sorry about this, dear.
-It's great.
-Sit down.
I know I can trust you.
Just a second, dear.
Sit down and wait.
-For my signal.
-Which is?
That's the signal.
Miss Juliette Sagnaud.
-Do you take as your...
-I do!
She said she does.
I declare
you joined in holy matrimony.
Ah, thank you.
With a whore!
Gervais, attack!
A total slut!
You stupid asshole!
My wife isn't a whore!
Curtis!
Stop it! They're here!
Hit me! Hit me!
They were there.
Now, they've vanished!
-Where are they?
-They just vanished!
It's a miracle!
You fucking with me?
Freeze!
Mercy!
I'll give you a miracle.
We're going to jail. Mercy!
Excuse me, is this 74, Rue du...
What the hell?
Are you crazy? That's my leg!
I'm the best man!
I'm Gervais's best man!
You're totally fucking nuts!
Is it illegal to be late now?
Don't move!
-Screw you!
-Don't move!
My legs have gone numb!
I can see a white light.
Mommy, Daddy,
you're there, by the apple tree.
A whore!
What about it?
You called my wife a whore!
That? Chill...
Look, it worked.
There's nobody here.
I love it.
I'd love to see
the Bouglionis' faces.
Do you realize what you said?
Stop whining. You wrote it.
No, your line was
"This is a chumps' wedding!"
And I go wild and freak out.
But no!
You had to add the W-word.
Whore!
I didn't mean it.
And total slut!
What's she gonna think of me?
You'll have fun.
You wanna see your wife again?
C'mon!
There you go!
You don't really mean it.
You know how it works...
Like that. That's right.
-It won't work.
-Try!
You're not making an effort.
Seen my little brother?
-That's better.
-Got ya!
Darling!
Abdelkader, take care.
Have fun, she's stunning!
Don't do anything silly.
You'll never hear of me again.
-You rat!
-Yes?
You snitch!
You sneaky bastard!
Sure, but not very...
-I'll ice you and your family.
-Like it. Good French.
-Good.
-You faggot!
Buy a dictionary in jail.
Hey, you!
My name's Abdelkader, so what?
What do you want with me?
Look how fancy you are!
May I have one?
BASED ON REAL-LIFE EVENTS
IN NEVADA, 1964
Yo, bro!
I won't leave you.
I'll finish my smoke
and be right there.
Open up for me.
Now, we come
to the masterpiece
of my exhibit.
France's finest
architectural works.
That's right,
I'm an art buff.
The pediment
of Deauville cathedral.
Then we have
the Toulon archipelago.
Like a small island,
only longer?
No, like a chapel,
only made of Lego.
-That's worse.
-It's worth a fortune.
Are we going too fast?
You miss anything?
We're not exactly racing.
It's just the right speed.
Look! Isn't that beautiful?
The grain...
Are you into art at all,
or not?
It's all in stone.
Now, if it was wood...
-You're into wood?
-Yes.
The Woody Corner
is over there.
We'll be there
within an hour.
Watch out!
Eyes on the road!
Lucky you saw that.
That close!
We were that close!
It's dumb.
We're stuck now.
We won't get
to see everything.
-You touch it?
-No, it's okay.
Lucky escape.
Let me direct you.
Drive.
No, wait!
... for Pierre and Marie Curie
Subtitle translation by Simon John
Gervais Blondot?
Are you receiving me?
Hello? Yes, sorry.
-Gervais here. Terrible reception.
-I got the image.
It must be the bark.
It was your idea, Blondot!
That's better.
I'm gonna nail him this time.
Shut up. Are you ready?
I'm in position. I'm ready.
-Here he comes.
-Don't move.
He's right there!
He just passed by,
one meter from me.
He's crossing the street.
Did you hear me?
He's going to the ATM.
He'll never spot me.
We did tests,
no one spotted me.
-What are you up to?
-Beat it!
Who the hell was that?
I asked you to secure the area!
Damn it!
Quiet down! You'll give us away.
He's coming your way.
He's coming.
Mayday!
The flap's stuck.
He didn't spot me.
He threw something at me.
-He's smoked me out!
-He spotted you?
He set me on fire!
I'm burning!
So you are.
Tough it out, Blondot.
It won't go out!
It's no joke. I'm on fire!
He's a mega-crackpot!
I'm going in!
Police! Stop that truck!
Holy shit!
-Move!
-Out the way!
Let the pineapple through!
Curtis!
Let me through!
Move!
Scram, bitch!
Curtis, pull over!
What's he doing there?
Stop that truck!
We're good!
Keep your hat on, the sun's strong.
Keep it straight.
When we get home,
I'll massage you.
Move it! Move it!
Sorry! Keep going!
Go, Michel!
That's nifty parking.
Jeez!
What a buzz!
That's what I call a heist!
That's bank property!
Police! Dammit!
Hey, the boy scout, hand it over!
Let go!
It's mine!
Scout's honor!
Put that money down!
It belongs to the Bank of France.
You'll be charged as accomplices.
Help yourselves!
Awesome!
That's the best yet!
KEEP UP THE GOOD WORK!
CURTIS
It's Gervais!
I lobbied hard to get plasmas.
They're touchscreens.
No, they're not.
I asked for touchscreens.
Call this Philip guy
and get him to change them.
They make our image more modern.
That's why I'm a captain.
How old would you say I am?
Twenty-six? Twenty-seven?
Share the joke?
Absolutely, boss.
That's good. It's witty.
Photographic humor.
Cigarette?
Coffee?
So, you cutie pie punk,
you thought you'd make a fool of me?
You had a good laugh, huh?
Nobody laughs at Big Gervais.
I had my eye on you all the time.
Dream on, I'm too fast for you.
C'mon, tell me why you did it.
To eat?
Poor diddums, he's hungry?
Mommy, not food in flidge...
I don't give a shit!
It's not my problem.
Here, in France, you pay for stuff!
In French francs!
In euros!
Can I go now, officer?
Don't give me
any of your cutesy crap.
Hey, Gervais, we were worried.
You got on your feet?
Complete idiots, these people.
Pathetic little children!
What's holding me back?
Let me teach you a lesson.
See him? That's Curtis.
He started out stealing sausages.
Merguez sausages.
His first conviction was...
Armed robbery. No kidding?
But apparently there were traces
of merguez in his sandwich.
So, bit of merguez
equals sausage theft
equals prison.
Got that, Chang-Chang?
Go on...
Get lost!
Thank you, officer.
How do they see anything?
Fifty-seven thousand.
Of course,
it has a certificate of authenticity?
Absolutely.
Every piece
is examined by Mr. Shamme,
the expert at Drouot auction rooms.
I'll think it over
and call you back this afternoon.
-Have a good day, sir.
-Madam.
What got into you?
Are you a complete idiot?
"Mr. Shamme"?
You must be kidding.
I mean,
"What a Shamme, it's a fake!"
What have you got for me?
Six magnificent tickers!
These are the real deal.
Top quality.
The finest watchmakers.
One thousand.
-What? They're worth ten times more.
-Not at all.
-Yes at all.
-Bye at all.
No, not bye.
I mean, okay.
And dinner?
Just you and me, one on one,
at the Casa di Fettucine. Tonight.
Tonight, I'm busy.
What a Shamme!
Tomorrow?
If you're still alive.
The Bouglioni brothers are after you.
No way! I told them Monday.
It's not Monday.
It's not the money anymore.
The Bouglioni brothers
could be joking.
They're a family of jokers.
Hold on, could I have my money?
I have to go to the bank.
I'll have it later.
I'll be at Hotel Capucine,
Rue Capron. Room nine.
Ice the champagne.
Perfect.
What's the Bouglionis' beef with me?
Such fun,
standing by the window all day...
Such fun,
standing by the window all day...
Such fun, standing by...
So, it's Hotel Capucine, Rue Capron?
What's with you?
I'm looking...
Sorry...
It's too big!
Give me some room.
That's better.
Sorry!
Wrong way up.
We been here already.
Turn right.
Even if I say "straight ahead",
you watch my hand.
Follow my hand!
Get it out of my face!
-Follow my hand!
-Shit!
-Where's the map?
-We're lost.
He threw the map out the window!
We already been this way.
I give the directions.
If he doesn't follow,
we'll go wrong.
He has to follow them!
He has to start by listening.
You've got to listen!
I give up!
C'mon, Claudine!
Come on! Come on!
Go, Gervais, go!
Go, Gervais, go!
Stop, Gervais.
Please, stop.
Go easy, Gervais.
Easy...
It's stuck.
You've fucked the ice.
The sheet's unplayable.
You douchebag!
You're a criminal. Look at that.
Hold on...
I won't. You make me sick!
I've got the rules here,
which say that the home team
"must provide a rink
in perfect condition..."
It was!
Not anymore, I'm sorry.
"If not, the score on the board
shall be considered final."
Five-four to us!
You make me sick!
Douchebag!
Five-four! Five!
Five-four to us!
The Alglaglas
can stick it up their...
We got five!
We've got five to four!
Five, four, four, four...
The Committee
will hear of this!
Now I'm sure, it's straight ahead.
Keep going straight.
That's right.
Okay...
No, it's not here.
I got it wrong.
Sorry about that.
You get it wrong too sometimes.
All of you do.
-I give up.
-We're in the right direction.
It's with great pride
that I accept the Idi Amin trophy,
having beaten Asnières
for the fifth time.
You've got a nerve! Cheat!
Twenty years I've been curling
and 20 years
I've respected the rules.
Respect for the rules
is respect for ourselves and life!
Curl for life!
That should mean something.
If you're not happy, beat it!
Not you!
-You're marrying a criminal.
-What?
At least, my wife hasn't left me
because I'm a wino!
What?
He was drunk
and she walked out on him.
His son committed suicide.
Hanging from a cellar.
He'd melt ice with his breath.
There you are, sir.
-But I ordered fries.
-Those are fries.
-No, that's pasta.
-They're fries, sir.
-Don't bullshit me. It's pasta.
-They're fries.
I've been a waiter ten years.
They're fries.
-What's that then?
-Water, sir.
You think I'm an idiot?
I can tell pasta from...
Jeez!
I must have said Saturday.
Yes, I'm two days late.
A message for the cheat.
Please bring the mic back
before we close the rink.
I'm sorry.
I was a bit mean,
but rules are rules.
You can't use what he told us
in private against him.
By revealing his drink problem,
he trusted us.
I trusted him
when I gave him my cup.
He broke it...
Sorry.
You're obsessed with your silly cup!
-Stop it.
-We're getting married tomorrow.
Don't you think I'd prefer to hear
that it'll be
the best day of your life?
-Sure...
-I haven't finished!
I'm warning you.
You'll be sitting
next to Aunt Janine. If I hear
you utter the idiotic name "Curtis",
you'll be eating chicken nuggets
at the kiddies' table!
What?
I won't let your incompetence
ruin my wedding!
Yesterday, I was this close...
Be quiet!
Face it, you'll never catch him!
Get the idea out of your head.
Anyways, I love you
and can't wait to be at the altar.
Me, too. I love you, too.
You know very well.
Not before we're married.
That's right.
I can't wait.
See how I rubbed that rink?
Just think how I...
We'll see who's incompetent.
I'm gonna nail you, Curtis.
I'll nail him!
Right...
His most recent...
Yo! Shut up!
His most recent movements reveal
that he stole the ATM
on Boulevard Haussmann
and dumped it on Place de l'Opéra.
Boulevard Haussmann, Opéra...
Haussmannéra...
Connemara...
Camera...
Hi-fi...
Fnac!
The store!
He's going to hold up
the Fnac store!
He's going to hold up
the Fnac store.
Boy, I'm good!
The noose is tightening.
You're trapped.
Not now!
Self-control.
The jab.
No, not now.
Genius! I know where he is!
Xavier!
Open up!
Daddy's not in.
He's dead.
It's me, Gervais!
Open up!
-Are you alone?
-Stop that!
I thought you were
from Social Services.
Can you do my jab?
I'll be right there.
No...
Itchy!
Daddy's not in.
It's me!
Again!
He's dead.
Xavier.
Concierge!
You have to learn
to do your jabs yourself.
I won't always be around for you.
I know...
Look, you live next door,
you're my neighbor,
you're on welfare
and I pay half your rent.
You're not going anywhere, huh?
You still have to learn.
You have concentration issues.
You remember when I had a dog?
I taught him a word a day.
One day,
somebody rang the doorbell.
I was sitting here. The dog sat up
and just like that,
he said "Doorbell!"
Really?
He'd heard the doorbell.
Xavier, you never had a dog.
You can only say
stuff like that to me.
Okay.
-Right?
-Right.
Hi, it's Curtis.
What was I going to say?
I know.
I got the Bouglionis' message
that you couldn't make our date.
I mean...
You didn't have to bother them.
You could've texted me.
-That would've been fine.
-Hello.
I'm glad you called.
I just spoke to the Bouglionis.
They think they smoked you.
I can tell them they're wrong.
-Sure, but...
- What?
Well, the two of us.
Yes?
Your eyes meeting mine.
I mean, we're on the same page...
It's pretty obvious.
The start of something...
No, don't.
The connection, our eyes meeting...
Straight up,
we've got something.
Hello?
RUN FAR AWAY
BIG TROUBLE
START A NEW LIFE
Why'd I buy that?
That sucks.
I must've been drunk!
Curtis will walk
straight into my trap.
What's more...
tonight, with the pep pills
and flask of coffee,
I'm smoking!
I don't believe it.
Doofus is here.
It's gonna be a wonderful day.
Please, this is fine.
C'mon, Gervais, your morning run!
Police!
He's an outlaw!
Scram!
Excuse me, move!
-What?
-What are you doing?
Alright, go.
Move!
The garbage guy's gone crazy!
Don't give a shit!
I told you to move!
Stop, Curtis!
Stop!
-Leave me alone!
-Halt right there!
Stop!
What are you doing?
Shut up!
Why's he walk leaning backward?
Why are you fat?
Shut the hell up!
Go on, shoot!
Why you got a gun?
You got attacked by a trash can?
Stop! Stop him!
Leave me alone!
Police!
Curtis?
What is this?
What's going on?
What the heck!
This isn't funny.
There's something wrong.
This is stupid.
Seriously!
This is the Champs-Elysées!
McDonald?
The McDonalds have moved.
They've gone.
Cupcake, it's me.
Avoid the Champs-Elysées,
it's a total lockdown.
God knows what they're doing.
I didn't even hear about it at HQ.
I can't wait to see you
at the altar later.
I hope it's mutual.
Xavier!
You have the wedding rings.
Stop acting dumb!
I'll have to knock down the door.
Fine!
Juliette!
Sorry, I'm a policeman.
I know all the tricks.
Open!
Juliette!
Good evening, Mrs. Abbababa,
this is Inspector Gervais Blondot.
I'd like to know...
This may sound strange.
... if you're there?
Hello?
Fine.
Please call Inspector Blondot
as soon as you can.
Good evening, Mr. Aggaga,
I'm calling you
with regard to lots of people's
simultaneous disappearance.
Please call when you get back
from your absence.
Good evening,
Mr. Ababoubou.
Sorry...
This is Inspector
Gervais Blondot
from the first precinct.
Please call me
as soon as you're back
from this absence phenomenon.
That's so rude!
Good evening...
There are always people here!
Lots of Arabs.
Where are you, Arab people?
The Arabs and the Blacks!
Have you all gone home?
Please call me urgently
if you're here.
C'mon!
Good evening, Mrs. A. Benamar...
This is...
You should know you're not alone.
I'm alone, too.
If there's two of you,
we can be three.
There's strength in numbers!
No reply from the A. Benamars.
Police!
Come out of your hiding places!
Jean-Pierre?
Speak to me!
Jean-Pierre!
Calling all...
Paris!
It's all gone quiet!
Paris!
It's all gone quiet!
Good evening,
Mr. Zrivo...
Zryvecowski! It's not hard.
Yes! Zibodibiski!
Are you some joker?
I'll hang up.
No! Don't!
Just kidding!
Talk after the beep, suckers!
Sick of people
and their dumbass messages!
Zissorkivich, you're not funny!
That one's done.
Cupcake,
I'm starting
to believe the Greek poet
who said that one missing person
makes the world seem empty.
There!
I've left the sum of 35 euros.
Where are you all? I don't get this.
There, Juliette.
I love you, my darling Juliette.
For all my life!
Day eight without people,
case of the pickpockets
at Charles-de-Gaulle solved.
There are no more...
pickpockets.
Pickpockets... Done.
How do they enter internet?
There must be a key.
Internet key...
How does Caro do it?
Internet...
Maybe it's voice activated.
Internet!
Stéphane never tidies his desk.
We have waste baskets.
This is France!
Internet!
Thank you!
Thank you, Blondot!
Ben Johnson! Ben Johnson!
Come on!
I'm not all alone!
I'm not alone, yay!
Oh no...
Shit!
I love this LP!
And... Now! Now!
The Pentagon!
Clear view of all nine sides.
Shit!
Let's go!
What the hell's going on?
Shit. Come on!
Someone!
My wheel.
Yes!
Gently does it.
Where you going? Hold on!
The tire...
I've got no wheel and no brake.
Thank God, no one can see me.
You are so beautiful to me
Please accept this gift,
it captures my mood perfectly.
I miss you.
Your Gentle-Oriental, Curtis.
Suspect has stolen
various sports cars,
such as a McLaren,
even though he...
What did I write?
We have a problem.
C'mon, be brave.
It's okay.
Pompidou!
I wasn't asleep.
I wasn't!
Remember to erase
security cam tapes.
We remind you that all exchanges
take place at Register 29.
That's terrible parking.
Ride a bike, sucker!
Ladies and gentlemen,
the store will soon be closing.
Can you bring us up
more Charles Aznavour?
Please proceed
to the nearest register.
This way,
you'll get the message, dumbo.
Even if you can't read very well.
Let's go.
OKAY, CURTIS,
HALT RIGHT THERE
I've gotta get out more.
We live and die together.
We won't get ten chances today.
Make them count.
Our strength... Shit!
Thank you.
Thank you, France!
We'll bust our guts for you!
Let's go, guys!
C'mon!
Through ball, triangle.
Kick feint, square-X.
Sprint, R1!
Ready?
Tenth day with no news of Curtis.
His movements follow no logic.
It doesn't represent anything.
He hasn't been
to Place de la Nation once.
Shoot.
Cut it out!
That's so dumb!
Xavier!
Stop!
Stupid damn system!
No, stop!
Mommy!
I'm stuck!
Someone!
Zidane!
The lights!
Sleep, rest...
Like that...
And that goes...
there like that.
What can that possibly...
A beaver!
With a cell phone.
A beaver with a cell phone.
A beaver with a cell phone?
No...
Yes.
A beaver with a cell phone.
Beaver phone...
Beaver fu...
Kung fu!
He's in Chinatown!
Hey, Doofus!
Are you there?
Gervais?
Shit!
Gervais!
I'll count to three, then I'm gone.
Cutie pie punk!
I'll throw you in jail!
His vehicle
is totally unsuited to the city.
Oh shit!
Come on!
Curtis!
What's the code?
Five-two-one-eight.
Thanks.
Stop!
This isn't funny.
Can't you see there's just us?
Sadly for you,
I have a head for heights.
I'm half-Comanche and half-Norman.
Right.
And a hundred percent fat slob.
Touché .
Let me go now!
-Freeze!
-Calm down.
Hands on your head!
Good to see you.
All the people have gone...
Shut up!
My God.
It's the best day of my life!
You go in and out of my life.
Ten years on the run!
It feels so good!
Shit!
Stay...
Stay there, it's a dead end.
You can't run.
Watch me.
How'd I do that?
How'd he do that?
Stop your ass! Halt your ass!
Carl Lewis!
Halt right there.
PARIS WAXWORKS MUSEUM
ENTRANCE - EXIT
Say goodbye to the family, let's go.
Sure.
-Tito, Jermaine...
-C'mon, Michael.
See you, bros.
Dinner time!
There you are, Curtis.
Where else would you be?
I braised you some chicken.
You'll see, it's chicken and mash.
I bought it at the farmer's market.
Wake up, Curtis.
Give me the key.
-Give me the key now!
-Whatcha gonna do?
You gonna eat me
like all the others?
You ate them!
-You're nuts! I didn't eat anyone!
-Cannibal!
-The key!
-Look!
Don't do that.
Give me the key.
-Give it!
-They're over there.
-Go get the key.
-You're going to jail.
I'm there already.
You deserve worse,
worse than torture.
What's that?
You're gonna put me down like a dog?
Is that your plan?
This is different.
I have minor, very minor issues...
-What kind?
-About controlling my nerves.
-The jab's for you?
-Yes.
It's a small injection
that I have to give myself but...
You're totally spaced!
On the contrary,
I'm perfectly lucid.
-Lucid? Open up.
-More than you!
Yeah, you look really lucid.
That's so totally lucid.
-That's mean.
-Shut up!
-Open up!
-Can it, bitch!
-Can it? You locked me up!
-Wasn't talking to you.
Could you give me a tiny injection
to cure the nerve problem
I get at night? Midnight!
Happy New Year!
Bubbly!
You're nuts!
No way am I giving you a jab.
Six milliliters.
-Please.
-You lock me up. Why'd I do that?
I'll mention it in your file.
Because you have a file on me?
We have a lot to pin on you.
Who're you gonna tell?
We're all alone.
You gonna tell it to a judge?
Go find one.
He can give you your jab, too.
-Please.
-No, no please.
Get the key.
First, you...
I'll do it when I'm out.
I said outside.
Put the key in.
-I won't run.
-I don't trust you.
-The key!
-Rub my arm.
No, you "wo-wo".
Don't "wo-wo" me!
-Rub.
-Put the key in.
Calm down, I'm rubbing.
Turn the key.
-The syringe...
-Turn the key.
-Jab.
-Turn.
-I'm jabbing.
-Press.
-I'm pressing.
-I'm turning.
There you go!
I got you there, my friend!
See you later.
Report in every day at four p.m., okay?
Sure! I'll be there at four.
Thank God, no one saw me.
That's pretty.
Souvenir photo.
Isn't that Curtis?
Sure is.
GERVAIS = MY BITCH
The tree of knowledge.
Sorry. 'Scuse me.
'Scuse me.
It's MC Curtis
One, two
C-U-R-T-I-S
Mr. Lover Curtis
Gotta be ready.
Want a merguez?
Don't you miss chicks?
What are you anyway, a chick?
Whatever,
you've got something special.
Anyways, you're special.
After how long without people,
would you start
to need a little loving?
How long can you hold out?
Got any taboos?
Good Tag, ich bin Inspektor Blondot
from Frankreich police.
Ich call Sie up
weil in Paris nicht nobody ist.
Ich bin vanished.
Ich bin nicht kaputt.
Was ist das?
Ja, people in Baden-Baden.
Call ich on
zero-three-four-three...
five-four-four-one.
Thanks. Danke schön.
How you doing?
I'm working. What do you want?
You told me to report in,
so here I am.
I told you to be there next day.
That was a week ago.
I had stuff to do.
Now, I have stuff to do.
-Like what?
-Work.
-Such as?
-Work.
I have work to do, too.
If you want to report in,
come back at four p.m.
Don't bust my balls with your rules,
we're all alone!
What good are rules?
We're not all alone!
It's a temporary situation.
I'd finished it!
Get off me!
This phenomenon already happened,
in Nevada in 1964.
A whole village disappeared
and reappeared next day
30 miles away.
I heard about that.
It was a fairground.
-Really?
-Yes.
Sounds logical.
Excuse me...
Are you married?
I don't recall from your file.
Polygamous.
Right! "Lopygamous".
Polygamous.
So you've had sex?
Pardon me?
"So you've had sex"?
-I was just...
-Say that again!
We've all had sex.
What kinda question is that?
You've never had sex?
-Sure.
-You haven't!
-I wanted to know if you had.
-You can see I have.
-Me, too.
-No, you've never had sex.
Shame on you!
You've never had sex!
-I have. You do this.
-No way!
-I've already done it.
-What's it feel like?
Like you're shivering
with gooseflesh.
Of course, I've had sex.
At least, I was going to...
What do I care anyway!
Isn't this whack?
There's nobody here.
Nobody answers.
Absolutely wax.
Whack!
Whack.
Whack.
I never saw anything so spooking.
Spooky.
You don't say spooking.
It's totally out-far.
I remember the first time...
Sorry? Totally out where?
Out-far.
Get with it, it's street.
To think it's two weeks
I shoulda been married.
Ring on the finger!
Eleven carats.
The big cheese.
Tough shit.
I don't mind.
I should be dead by now.
This is cool.
Better to travel alone than...
travel dead.
You wanna see something wild?
Put that away.
Done with the Bs.
I wanna show you something.
Thanks.
Welcome to the Petit Palais Museum.
Opposite is the Grand Palais.
Two months ago,
you could've seen the Medium Palais.
-But they sold it to the US.
-Really?
They called it the Medium Palace.
Watch out, I've waxed the floor.
That's so whack.
No, I said waxed...
I bashed up my wrist.
If you go charging into statues...
Curtis Expo?
It's where I keep my paintings.
What's that?
The Arch of the Foot.
-You took that?
-From NYC.
And that?
The Mannskin Pis...
-It's bigger than I thought.
-Five meters.
Okay?
Herbal Medicine Laboratory! Perfect!
This is perfect.
It's full of plants.
Medicines all come from plants.
You mean that can cure me?
All of that?
Does that cure wrists?
Aldrovanda vesiculosa ?
I don't think so.
That's for the...
eyelids.
If you have stiff or achy eyelids.
-Stiff eyelids?
-It happens. Photographers...
How'd you know all this?
I already told you, my grandfather
was a Chivaro...
of the Comanche tribe.
If my grandfather could see this.
Let's analyze...
Perfect! Sarsaparilla!
You talk Smurf?
No, Peyo stole it
from the Comanches.
The Indians used it on holes,
mostly arrow holes.
Your sleeve.
-Here goes.
-You're sure?
Certain.
Pardon me?
What's all that?
Comanche incantations.
My grandfather taught me.
Stop, it's itching.
Stop it! It's itching.
Maybe I got it wrong.
-My wrist's stiff and swollen!
-Let's analyze it.
Stop whining.
No, it's a herb you use on leather.
-It's leathera anatanae .
-It's your sleeve!
-What?
-That's your sleeve.
Sorry.
Do something, I can't stand it.
The plant has like tiny piranhas
attacking each other...
They look pretty hyper.
I'd hate that on my skin.
Are you nuts?
It's totally itching!
We'll find a cream.
No way!
You made a dick out of me!
I'm a police officer!
My eye! You got it in my eye!
My God, I can't see!
Can we go home now?
There's nobody anywhere!
But there'll be people in Marseille.
We'll definitely find someone.
How are you gonna find them?
With my state of the art
police antennas,
I can detect signs of life
200 meters away.
Von Strudel,
ve vill go round ze Maginot...
Stop it.
Give me a hand.
Come here,
I have something to tell you.
What?
My real name isn't Curtis.
My real name is Abdelkader.
I'm Arab.
What?
I never told you.
You can't be serious.
I am serious.
You make me sick!
Chill.
Calm down!
He says he's an Arab.
You make me sick!
-Why? 'Cos I'm Arab.
-No, 'cos you lied to me.
Calm down.
Mr. Curtis from Argentina, he said.
I'm Abdelkader from Argenteuil.
You created
one hell of an alter-ego.
Anyway, half a confession's
better than a nun.
You've won yourself a beatnik.
You brought a picnic?
Yeah,
for Abdelkader from Argenteuil.
That's so sweet.
-Gervais?
-What?
It's the first time in decades
anyone's cooked for me.
Cut it out. Your Ma cooked for you
when you were a kid.
-You're joking!
-Here, tabouleh. Merguez...
My Ma never looked after me
like this.
Yeah, I know. I saw a documentary
about Arabs once.
After the birth,
you're left to fend for yourself.
You're mixing us up with hyenas.
If you're Arab,
you don't eat chips.
No, I don't eat chips.
I'll eat your share
and I'll give you my egg.
I never told anyone this...
I must have been 11
and to get my parents' attention,
I worked hard at school for once.
I got 11 out of 20 in Math.
And when you were 12, you got 12?
Sorry.
It was Math that you had to...
You guys are good at Math.
I mean, didn't you invent Math?
Sorry. I'm listening to you.
I take my test home...
No reaction from my folks.
That's hard-boiled!
After three days, I go to see my Ma...
I look at her, and she grunts:
"Not bad."
Not bad, not bad...
My Ma speaks French.
It was only 11 out of 20.
For me, 11's a great score.
No kidding!
Getting 11 was a real achievement.
And her "not bad"
really pissed me off!
Next day,
I packed up and I was gone.
-Aged 11?
-Eleven, yeah.
Your knapsack, couscous and...
No, it all fitted in a fanny pack.
I never told anyone this before.
Straight up, it hurts.
I'm touched.
If, at 11,
you lost a family of Arabs...
It's still family!
It's no big deal, they were Arabs.
You've won a new Gervais!
Come get your hug!
This is stupid.
It's amazing!
Gervais, it feels so good.
I never got any hugs.
Jeez! You're a hungry bunny.
I can hear your belly rumbling.
That's not my belly.
Watch out! What the hell?
Curtis! Come here!
Come here!
-No!
-Wait!
-No, I'll wait.
-Curtis, wait!
For a nice quiet vacation,
I suggest
the Riviera.
Hook up with the family...
Kick back a few days...
Spicy food, massages, sun,
the full package.
Now!
Hey, it's that dork Curtis!
Curtis goes to St. Tropez, too!
I'll tell you when. Be careful!
I'll bleed you like a pig!
Come on!
Fucking stupid picnic!
Asshole!
-You asshole!
-This means...
Your stupid picnic idea!
In the middle of a highway!
Get lost!
-On the bright side...
-Beat it!
-The people came back.
-That's the problem!
Didn't you see?
That's the problem.
If he slices me...
I'll slice you!
I'm not a loaf of bread.
We're parked over here.
I'll kill you!
That's good, Abdelkader, let it out!
I'm wondering
what I'm still doing here with you.
Look...
I didn't know.
How could I know? Give me a break.
They came back a few minutes.
It's a good sign.
Next time, a half-hour.
The time after that, an hour...
-And the time after that, I'm dead.
-It's crazy.
I'll help you with the Bouglionis.
We'll find a solution.
I like you,
but you gotta make an effort.
-Stop! What's going on?
-I'm fine.
Look, your mouth's wobbling.
-What the heck?
-Put it back!
I do everything for you.
You scratched it!
They're gonna kill me.
Can you believe it?
Young people today...
-Gervais?
-What?
What do you like about me?
I don't understand.
You said you like me,
but you can't.
You chase me for ten years,
now you like me?
It's pure, selfless friendship,
to be nice.
So what do you like the most?
-You'll run down the battery.
-C'mon!
-What I like about you...
-I'm all ears.
You gotta be faster than that.
When I walk into a room,
you think...
-That guy's so...
-He's so...
-What I like most...
-Is...
Is that you're...
More than anyone else I know.
Seriously?
You noticed that?
I love it when you say
stuff like that... Five!
Five what?
Gimme five!
Hey, be careful.
-Jeez!
-It's overheating.
They're back. I knew it!
I'm so smart! I'm giga-smart!
The Bouglionis!
I knew it! I'm so smart!
Don't let them come back.
I knew it! You're back!
Juliette!
I'm okay.
Yes!
-You okay, sir?
-Just wonderful.
Number six.
Seventy-seven eighty, please.
Sorry?
-Pump number six?
-Yes.
Seventy-seven eighty.
You're not fuc...
I mean...
There you are.
Thank you, sir.
What's this?
ROBBERY AT ART FOUNDATION
The Louvre stripped bare
by a mysterious...
You sure you're okay?
I'm fine. Where's the phone?
Twenty-five minutes to pay up.
This is stupid!
Gervais.
Freeze! Police!
Get up!
-Hands up!
-Move it!
Okay, I'm coming out.
I'm getting up.
Where were you?
On the Champs-Elysées.
Take a seat in the office.
Where were you?
Hi, honey...
Running out on me.
Who do you think you are?
But I couldn't...
You couldn't what?
-You said...
- I'm talking!
Don't interrupt!
You do all the talking,
you call me 15 times a day
and then you vanish! The wedding!
Gervais, the wedding!
Remember,
I was the one who proposed...
So why would I just vanish?
What do I look like?
You acted like a kid
who can't answer the question.
Don't interrupt!
Let's just imagine...
You turn up...
Do you realize
how much the catering cost me?
Go easy back there.
What's going on?
Just some buddies doing their job.
I had big plans. We were going far.
Sit!
I am sitting.
Not you!
Right.
That's gotta hurt.
- What's going on behind you?
-Nothing.
You made a fool out of me.
You don't care, you have no family.
- Down!
-I'm in someone's office.
I can't.
I didn't mean you!
Sorry.
I know what we can do.
Call the priest
and fix it for Saturday.
I'm free Saturday. Saturday's good.
You're a pain!
Come on, Kenzo.
Let's get to work.
Stop being childish.
He'll only tell us where
the paintings are if you ask him.
-Fine, I resign.
-Pardon me?
My Mom told me in hospital...
I don't give a shit!
Go interrogate the suspect.
If I'm face to face with him,
you'll all disappear.
It's not a joke.
Motherfucker!
Asshole!
Shut up!
It's not me, it's him.
He's saying shut up!
Not another word!
Not another word!
It's okay, officer.
I can't hear him! I can't see him!
-You back-stabbing bastard!
-Can't hear you.
You scumbag!
Worthless shit!
That's right.
I know how it works now, too.
Come on, open up.
If you wanna see your chick,
we've gotta get on,
so go get the keys.
Fast!
It's so unfair...
You want a ride back to Paris?
-Beat it, traitor!
-Come on, please.
C'mon Curtis...
Great car!
Bullshit! That's just fine.
It's fine!
What's he driving?
You're speeding!
Floor it!
Third gear!
Let's go, Gervais!
Like when I shot at you,
and always missed.
I did it on purpose!
Yes, on purpose, Curtis!
That's not the act of a traitor.
Can you hear me?
Curtis?
Would a traitor guide you in traffic
like I did?
I said "Keep going!
Stop, there's a truck coming!"
And the truck missed you,
a bit like that game
when you have to move your frog.
It's like I was
another frog saying...
And you...
You hop and dodge the cars.
A traitor would've said
"C'mon, froggy, come, come".
Croak, my friend!
I'm sorry, but do you really think
you'd have told your real name
to a traitor?
I'm shaking my head.
You wouldn't have said it.
And now I know
your name is Mouloud...
It doesn't matter.
What matters is, you told me.
We need more people
giving their real name
to traitors. Or friends.
-He's sick.
- When we first met, we were...
acquaintances.
Then we became...
Stop talking shit!
... kind of buddies.
And now, we're real friends.
You've gotta trust me.
I have an idea...
Shit, what's that?
FIRST WEDNESDAY OF THE MONTH ALARM
Curtis!
I'll be right back.
Friendship is forever.
You're a total jerk!
Let go!
Hey, Curtis.
Sorry for the interruption.
If this works,
my technique's infallible.
I'll patent it with the police.
Oh no, red light!
There he is!
He's up there, yes!
I knew it!
My technique works.
I knew it!
Damn!
What the hell's he doing here?
I came to apologize.
I'm sorry, Curtis.
You don't turn a friend
into the cops, like I did.
Yeah, sure.
It's wrong.
I'm burning your file.
No more Curtis on file.
He doesn't exist.
Abdelkader from Argenteuil, sure.
He's a great guy.
But Curtis?
Never met him, don't know him.
Torture me, I won't say a word.
There you go! He's gone.
He was an artist.
Art was he.
You're my mail man.
How did you find me here?
Thanks to my technique.
It works!
I noticed that you like raps.
You like 50 Cent,
and I know your favorite track.
Amusement Park .
That leads to zoo. It's obvious.
Can you stop moving around,
so we can talk?
That's a freaky technique you have.
How many doors
has your building got?
Actually, it's like you.
Pretty freaky.
Freaky guy, freaky technique.
It's cool
and you're cool.
I was hoping you'd say that.
Now the people will come back.
No, nobody's back.
Hold on, hold on.
Wait.
Give me a kiss.
Touch me!
Cut it out.
-What's this?
-Caress me.
-What's this?
-Who cares! Caress me.
-You're bullshitting me!
-Why?
Pizzeria La Mozzarella!
That's not my file!
The Happy Couscous...
-It's...
-You just burned lunch bills.
La Chipolatax! You bullshitter,
I've never eaten there!
Where's my file?
-Your file?
-You idiot!
I've got it right here.
If you keep lying,
nobody'll come back.
-I have it here.
-So, burn it.
-I already burned one.
-You said you'd burn that one.
You know, a fire...
Burn it!
I can't burn it.
-Tough shit.
-Wait!
Great photo.
-Oh no...
-There you go!
You're crazy!
There are children here!
Completely crazy!
-What, sweetie?
-Look, it's your friend!
Hey, bros, it's Curtis!
Grab him!
Leave him to me!
We've been looking for you.
Throw him to the lions.
See you, Curtis...
Is he your friend?
-Is he your buddy?
-I'm just passing by.
-Get outta here!
-I was about to.
Motherfucker!
You traitor!
You're a real traitor!
What the hell is this?
Where's everybody gone?
-Run!
-Where's he going?
Get him!
This way!
-You'll slow me down!
-Together, we'll find the solution.
Leave me...
-Get him!
-He's mine!
My chicken's coming up.
I'll slow you down.
Go get him.
Come on!
You've got the fork.
Prong him!
Come on, Gervais.
We haven't got all day!
They're catching us!
-Jump, dammit!
-Go ahead. I'll hold them back.
I can't hear.
Come here and say it.
I can't!
Come on, Gervais!
Everybody!
There isn't anybody.
C'mon, you gotta want it!
There you go!
Straighten up.
Your abs. Push!
Straighten up.
You can do it.
Kick its ass!
What's going on? You jumped?
Why'd you jump?
You're lucky! Last week,
I was delivering cactuses.
Must be some kind of passage
in space and time.
I'll follow them.
-Are you sure?
-Watch me as I disappear.
First, we should check...
I can still see you. Is that normal?
Blanchette?
Want me to come with you?
What are you gonna do?
Where are you going?
You have a job, a wedding, a wife,
lots of things to do.
See you, my friend!
"Arriverdacioni!"
What about the Bouglionis?
I'm gonna take the first flight
out of here.
I'm an artist.
Send me anywhere, I'm fine.
I get by anywhere. Take care!
See ya!
Don't you wanna come to my wedding?
-When is it?
-Saturday.
I'll be dead by then!
The Bouglionis
could be at my place with guns.
What's wrong with you?
The Bouglionis decide
if and where you stay in France?
I'm sorry! In the birthplace
of human rights, the land of
Danton, Barbra Streisand,
Robespierre!
This country's
gonna go down on you, bro!
-You mean, be down with me.
-Yeah, be down.
We'll find a solution.
I ain't got one now.
-Ain't got what?
-One.
-What's that mean?
-Pass.
You say, I ain't got none!
I ain't got none solution.
Still got the paintings you stole
from the Louvre?
That I borrowed, sure.
Leave this to me.
I know who did it.
I know where the paintings are.
You found them
using your famous technique?
That's right!
Let me try to grasp
your skills of deduction.
Now, let's see.
Paintings, Louvre...
canvas, tents.
They're camping in the woods, right?
You find it funny?
If I'm not taken seriously,
I wonder what use I am?
Not much, to be honest.
Is that funny, too? Really?
I have a question.
Can I have just one last chance?
Sure!
What does it say here?
It's too far, I can't read it.
Apparently, I'm the only one
taking this seriously.
I know where they're hidden,
but so what?
You don't have
a monopoly on gravity!
You decide what's serious
and what isn't?
I know serious, compared to
what you think is serious.
What?
Report to my office right now!
Get back to work!
-How was I?
-Very good, captain.
Work!
Thanks, cap...
I'm going to see the captain!
In fact,
we're the ones who disappear.
The world's still out there.
Juliette's out there.
That's the thing.
-That's why my plan will work.
-Sure...
If we do the hard work first.
Don't worry.
Have I ever let you down?
One single time?
You're joking?
You're talking about...
That was before.
Curtis.
Now, we're a crew.
You're my honey.
What does that mean?
-I'm your honey?
-You never heard it?
See, I'm the pork...
A bit chewy.
And with a nice honey glaze...
Or a...
Homie, you mean.
You say you're my homie.
We're homies.
Hey, homie!
Not hey, honey!
Sweet and sour...
Curry!
-I think that's it.
-You're my sugar and spice!
You say that often,
or just to me?
It's way coolio.
Coolio's a rapper.
No kidding?
You say,
It's way cool...
Yo!
I love rap.
It shows.
Ma'am.
Hide in back, he won't be long.
Okay.
Are we having hors d'oeuvres?
He's coming?
After what I promised him.
She's our guarantee.
I don't understand.
When I whistle, he comes running.
Usually, Curtis is the punctual type
or a bit of a late-comer?
Ma'am the antique dealer?
Change of plan.
Meet me at 14, Rue du Temple.
Big up to the Quadricolors,
who are performing at the Galaxy
on the 21st.
Is that right, the 21st?
Where's my damn phone?
Gervais.
Juliette.
Before I pronounce you
husband and wife,
I ask the congregation
if anyone opposes your marriage.
Me!
I oppose...
this funeral?
Isn't this Rue du Temple?
Seventy-four.
Seventy-four.
I wanted 14!
-Sorry.
-No problem.
Enjoy! Goodbye.
I'll close it gently.
Those who knew Guy-Patrick
say he enjoyed the simple life.
I'll ram his stupid truck
up his ass!
He's allowed to deliver in Paris
from 7:30 - 12:30.
It's 12:25,
so he's within his rights.
If you want, I can check he's legal.
But Guy-Patrick partook
of more sophisticated pleasures,
particularly at night in Pigalle,
where he was known as The Admiral
after midnight
or Michette
after two in the morning.
He had his permit.
I shivved him, so we can get by.
Let's go.
Guy-Patrick was love.
He was, therefore, spiritual love.
But what would love be
without giving of one's body?
Guy-Patrick
truly gave of his body...
Curtis!
I'll smoke ya!
Is he here?
He's not here.
We've got the wrong edifice.
This is very trying...
Our apologies.
Have a good mass!
Gervais, Juliette.
You have come before the Lord today
to manifest your mutual love.
-Mutual, my ass!
-I beg your pardon!
Not him!
Cool it.
Pretend I'm not here.
Sorry.
Mr. Gervais Blondot.
Do you take as your lawful
wedded wife Juliette Fragnaud?
Alias The Skank!
Sir.
-I do.
-Does she want him?
What a moo cow!
Jesus!
-Say something!
-Keep going.
A cow for a pig, not bad!
That's enough!
Cool it!
You agree, but you won't admit it.
Never saw such a dirty freak!
You're too early!
-The Bouglionis aren't here.
-You said...
It's okay, Dad.
He's a friend.
-Hello.
-Dad.
This is a church.
-The Lord is here.
-Where?
It's your friend's wedding.
Sorry about this, dear.
-It's great.
-Sit down.
I know I can trust you.
Just a second, dear.
Sit down and wait.
-For my signal.
-Which is?
That's the signal.
Miss Juliette Sagnaud.
-Do you take as your...
-I do!
She said she does.
I declare
you joined in holy matrimony.
Ah, thank you.
With a whore!
Gervais, attack!
A total slut!
You stupid asshole!
My wife isn't a whore!
Curtis!
Stop it! They're here!
Hit me! Hit me!
They were there.
Now, they've vanished!
-Where are they?
-They just vanished!
It's a miracle!
You fucking with me?
Freeze!
Mercy!
I'll give you a miracle.
We're going to jail. Mercy!
Excuse me, is this 74, Rue du...
What the hell?
Are you crazy? That's my leg!
I'm the best man!
I'm Gervais's best man!
You're totally fucking nuts!
Is it illegal to be late now?
Don't move!
-Screw you!
-Don't move!
My legs have gone numb!
I can see a white light.
Mommy, Daddy,
you're there, by the apple tree.
A whore!
What about it?
You called my wife a whore!
That? Chill...
Look, it worked.
There's nobody here.
I love it.
I'd love to see
the Bouglionis' faces.
Do you realize what you said?
Stop whining. You wrote it.
No, your line was
"This is a chumps' wedding!"
And I go wild and freak out.
But no!
You had to add the W-word.
Whore!
I didn't mean it.
And total slut!
What's she gonna think of me?
You'll have fun.
You wanna see your wife again?
C'mon!
There you go!
You don't really mean it.
You know how it works...
Like that. That's right.
-It won't work.
-Try!
You're not making an effort.
Seen my little brother?
-That's better.
-Got ya!
Darling!
Abdelkader, take care.
Have fun, she's stunning!
Don't do anything silly.
You'll never hear of me again.
-You rat!
-Yes?
You snitch!
You sneaky bastard!
Sure, but not very...
-I'll ice you and your family.
-Like it. Good French.
-Good.
-You faggot!
Buy a dictionary in jail.
Hey, you!
My name's Abdelkader, so what?
What do you want with me?
Look how fancy you are!
May I have one?
BASED ON REAL-LIFE EVENTS
IN NEVADA, 1964
Yo, bro!
I won't leave you.
I'll finish my smoke
and be right there.
Open up for me.
Now, we come
to the masterpiece
of my exhibit.
France's finest
architectural works.
That's right,
I'm an art buff.
The pediment
of Deauville cathedral.
Then we have
the Toulon archipelago.
Like a small island,
only longer?
No, like a chapel,
only made of Lego.
-That's worse.
-It's worth a fortune.
Are we going too fast?
You miss anything?
We're not exactly racing.
It's just the right speed.
Look! Isn't that beautiful?
The grain...
Are you into art at all,
or not?
It's all in stone.
Now, if it was wood...
-You're into wood?
-Yes.
The Woody Corner
is over there.
We'll be there
within an hour.
Watch out!
Eyes on the road!
Lucky you saw that.
That close!
We were that close!
It's dumb.
We're stuck now.
We won't get
to see everything.
-You touch it?
-No, it's okay.
Lucky escape.
Let me direct you.
Drive.
No, wait!
... for Pierre and Marie Curie
Subtitle translation by Simon John