29th & Gay (2005) - full transcript

(projector streaming)

(instrumental chord)

(bells ringing)

(crowd murmuring)

- Are we on?

Check.

Test one, test two.

Check.

Test one.

(crowd murmuring)

Well, good afternoon, folks.



Welcome aboard the Movieland
Studios USA Express,

here on another glorious day here

in sunny Southern California.

Show of hands, how many of you
have taken this tour before?

Nobody?

Alright.

How many of you are taking this tour

for the very first time today?

I know I am. (laughs)

No, folks, I'm kidding with you.

I'm the tour guide, of course--

Alright, how many of you
have absolutely no idea

what I'm saying?

Hello?



How many of you just don't care?

Aha, thank you, sir.

Alright, well, once again, welcome aboard.

For the next hour or so,
we are gonna take you

way down deep into the heart
of one of the world's largest

working movie and TV studios,

and, well, hopefully make you smile

just a little bit along the way.

We should be getting our
signal that we're okay

for departure in just a moment,

but before we can leave
the docking station,

we do need to have everybody seated.

A few safety rules.

Ma'am in the third car,
if we can have you seated,

we can be on our way, thank you very much.

A few safe--

Ma'am?

(speaking foreign language)

A few safety rules to get us started.

If you do drop something,
or (laughs) someone,

over the side of the tram,
or in case of an emergency,

just reach overheard,

pull the orange emergency chord

running down the side of the tram.

If you happen to have a camera with you,

(bell rings)

Ah, you got it.

If you happen to have a camera,

(bell rings)

Ugh, you got it again. (laughs)

That's very nice sir, thank you.

(bell ringing repeatedly)

And thank you, sir, for pointing it out

to all of car number two.

(bell ringing repeatedly)

We can wait.

Alright.

If you happen to have a camera with you,

you might wanna keep it
handy 'cause you never know

what, or who, you might see.

Hold on tight, folks.

It's gonna be a bumpy ride.

I have one more question
for you before we get going.

Are you ready for your close-up?

(camera shutter)

(uptempo instrumental music)

Hi, I'm James.

Welcome to my world.

I am 29 years old, today,

Which, by the way, is two years more

than the amount of dollars
currently in my bank account.

(laughing) Nice.

And 227.000 less

than the amount of miles
currently on my car.

Ugh, I've had more drama with
that car than in my career.

Four years of drama school,
my biggest claim to fame

is the non-speaking,
albeit recurring, role

of a local delivery boy on
a now defunct soap opera.

Sleeping on an exercise mat
in the living room of a one

bedroom apartment for the
majority of my adult life

has done wonders for my sex life.

So not hot.

In fact, it's been four
years, seven months,

three days and 22 hours
since my last boyfriend.

Oh, God, he's cute.

Is that his tongue?

Is it stating the obvious
to say that I'm lonely?

- [Group] Surprise!

(clapping)

Happy birthday, James!

(cheering)

- Make a wish, James.

- Make a wish?

My gosh, where do I begin?

(high-speed rewinding)

(breaks slamming)

(motor running)

My folks are the sort of
modern day Ricky and Lucy.

My dad is Hispanic.

He's an ex-hippie who once
avoided being arrested

at an Indian peace rally march

because I was in a papoose on his back.

He pulled many an all-nighter
locked in the bathroom

writing Chicano-influenced poetry,

but he now teaches high school Spanish

and he coaches the baseball team.

- Save your money, boy.

(strumming guitar)

When I turned 17, I got a job at a store.

Not long after, I had enough
money to buy new shoes.

And eventually, I bought my Chevy.

(guitar chord)

Shit.

- My mom is that classic every
woman superhero sitcom mom

for today's mom.

Designing woman?

Yep.

President of the PTA?

Yes, she is.

Former small town girl that left the farm

and is now fighting neighborhood
crime one block at a time?

That's my mom.

- I came out of the closet to my family

the Summer I turned 19.

My mom, she cried a lot,

and my dad didn't talk to
me for about six months.

To be perfectly honest, I dreaded
coming home for Christmas.

- Merry Christmas!

(uptempo Christmas music)

What did Santa get you?

Open it up, show everybody.

And smile for the camera,
would you please, honey?

- 20th Anniversary Edition of Cabaret?

- [Dad] With special, never
before seen interviews

with Liza Minnelli.

- Great.

- [Mom] It's the other one.

- The Judy Garland CD Box Set.

- [Dad] They're mother
and daughter, you know.

- Honey, he knows.

- I do.

Well, my mom had stopped crying

and my dad began including me
in conversations once again.

It was a very merry Christmas.

Fast forward, if we
could, to the next year.

(high-pitched rewinding)

(Christmas music)

- Isn't it fabulous?

- [Dad] Just so you know,

Santa had to go to about seven
different shopping stores

to find it.

- Oh, yes.

Apparently, they are all the
rage with you boys this year.

- Bear with me for one more
Christmas, if you would.

Crowd the Queen Beauty
Pageant Trivia Game?

- First one to get a dozen
roses gets the tiara!

- (laughing) It's magical.

- Well, win or lose, honey,

you will always be our little Queen.

(Dad speaking foreign language)

- Okay, James.

With the next to the last
rose in your bouquet,

- You can do it, you can do it.

- What is the least important
category in a pageant?

- Oh, God, you get all the easy ones.

- Talent.

- How do you know that?

- Girl, come on.

- Roxy, in the wonderful world of beauty,

nobody cares if you can play the violin,

the most important thing is?

- Oh, I don't know.

Your platform?

- Your platform?

(laughing)

People care even less about that.

No.

- Me.

- Brandon?

- The most important skill
for a pageant girl to possess

is the ability to walk in heels.

- It's common sense.

- It's so gay.

- Since we introducing the family,

you might as well meet them all.

I was always taught
that a family can extend

far beyond blood,

and for the last several years,

these two have been my family. (laughing)

Roxy.

Straight girl and former roommate.

I needed a place to live, she
needed help with the rent.

After six months of barely speaking

and walking on eggshells,

all it took was some cranberry juice,

- A little more vodka?

- To tell each other things
we'd never told anyone before.

We've been through jobs,
loss of jobs, together,

borrowed each other's clothes,

and been through boyfriends together.

In fact, attempted to share
one at one point. (chuckles)

- Can we have everybody's attention

just for a second, please?

Thank you so much for coming

to Find Out Chuck's Sexuality Party.

(laughing)

Now, Chuck thinks the
party starts at seven.

- Right.

The point of the evening is for one of us,

Roxy or myself, that is, (laughing)

is to make out with Chuck in the bathroom.

- Right.

Wow, this has been such a
confusing couple of days.

- Oh my God, right?

Trying to make sense of all those signals

he was throwing in my direction has been,

- He was trying to make a sale, James.

- Yeah, try commenting on my ass in jeans.

- It was my ass, not yours.

- You know what, anyway.

- Anyway.

Whatever.
(James laughing)

When he gets here,
(phone ringing)

- Oh, got it.

- When he gets here, pry, mingle,

ask him as many questions as possible.

Observe which one of us
he looks better with,

me,

which one he's more drawn to,

me,

bla bla bla bla,

me.

- (shreiking) That was Chuck!

- Oh my God, is he running late?

- No, he's not.

- Oh, thank God.

- He's running early.

- Oh, good God!

- And, if my calculations are correct,

(buzzing)

(yelling)

- Places, everyone, places!

(laughing)

(shushing)

Hi, Chuck, you came.

- (laughs) Hi.

- Hi, Chuck.

You were right, 31's, perfect fit.

- Hi, have we met?

I'm Chuck.

- James.

- Hey.

Oh, this is for you.

- Oh, thank you.
- You bet, thank you.

- That's so sweet.
(lips smacking)

(uptempo dance music)

(sighs)

- Whatever, fuck Chuck.

- In a true beauty pageant,

the evening is broken up
into how many sections?

- How in the hell am I
supposed to know that?

- This from a former Miss Teen Queen?

- Those were very dark days,

and thanks to therapy,
and lots of cigarettes,

I've put them behind me.

I don't know, three?

- (coughs) Four.

- Wait a second, two?

- Four.

Four sections.

(clears throat) Evening gown, talent,

swimsuit, interview, four.

- Is he right?

What am I talking about,
of course he's right.

- Brandon.

Gay boy and faithful sidekick.

We met at the wedding of
a mutual acquaintance.

He knew the bride, I knew the groom,

and he caught the bouquet. (laughs)

(Brandon laughing)

After an hour of toasts
by drunk groomsmen,

all it took was some cranberry juice,

- Where's that vodka?

Oh.

- To tell each other more things

we've never told anybody before.

And we've been through new jobs,
and loss of jobs, together,

borrowed each other's clothes,

been through boyfriends together.

In fact, attempted to
be them at one point.

- I give it six months, tops.

- What?

No, I think they make
a really cute couple.

- Well, for the moment,
yes, I totally agree.

But, she's gonna wake up one day soon

and realize that she's capable
of being with a straight man,

even though I've never seen it happen.

- Oh, you're kidding, right?

- I'm just saying, she pursued me

for a year and a half in college,

and tried to get on
every guy I ever dated.

- No, Alex is so not gay.

Although I often wished,

- I don't care how much football and beer

plays a part in your life,

I know gay when I see it.

(bells ringing)

I picked you out the second
you walked in the church.

- No.

- Girl.

- Really?
- Yep.

- Huh.

Our turn.

What blew my cover?

- Pink socks.

The same shade as the
bridesmaids' dresses.

(James laughs)

If you recall, my tie was a perfect match.

- Yes, but sadly, mine
was a laundry mishap.

- There are no gay accidents.

(James laughing)

Wear it out, where it proud.

I said to myself, "Gay boy, cute.

"Must rearrange seating
and get his number."

- You didn't!

Well, I'm glad you called.

- Me too.

- Tell your future for five bucks, boys?

- Come on, what do you say?

- I think I changed my mind.

- Oh, come on, I do this all the time.

- Madame Paula's psychic eye never lies.

I'll do you both for eight.

- Now, that's an offer we can't refuse.

- I guess it couldn't be
worse than the answers I get

from the Magic 8 Ball, huh?

- Good, you go first.

For luck.

(choir singing)

(laughing)

(motor running)

(breaks screeching)

- [Group] Surprise!

(clapping)

Happy birthday, James!

(cheering)

- Make a wish, James.

- I wish to be the most
famous Broadway and movie

television actor of my generation,

meet and marry the
hottest man on the planet,

second to me, of course,

and live out our lives dripping
in wealth and happiness.

(exhaling)

(group cheering and clapping)

- Here we are!

Are we late?

Oh, darn, honey, we missed the cake.

- I should have taken the shortcut.

- Oh.

Happy birthday, honey.

(lips smacking)

Now,
(metal clanking)

the man at the leather store
said some assembly is required.

Honestly, I have no idea how
something like this works,

but, I bet the boys will know

how to put one of these things together.

(laughing)
(group laughing)

- Let's get to it!

- Alright!

I love these.

I think there's a hook to it.

Here we go.

(metal clanking)

(group talking)

- Can I borrow it sometime?

What, it's not like
you're going to use it.

(uptempo instrumental music)

- Honey, what are you doing?

- Pulling my orange emergency chord.

- Well, knock it off.

It looks like you're a crazed child.

Now, come on, let's cut the cake.

(bell ringing)

- No, no, no, birthday boy.

Sit down and relax.

It's hard turning 29.

- I think turning 29
would be a good thing.

- It's worked on you
for the last two years.

- Haha.

- I mean it, James, sit down.

- Uh, don't sit down.

Your birthday's not over yet!

Drink specials don't end
for another 45 minutes.

After 11 o'clock, you need to
find someone to buy us drinks.

I did it last time.

- What?

I can barely afford to
pay my rent this month,

I'm not gonna spend my last
six dollars on cocktails.

- I'll buy.

- You're not really going
out tonight, are you?

You've got an audition tomorrow morning.

- No, I don't think I'm
gonna go to that audition.

She's right, I can't go out.

- Oh, okay.

Come on, put a fire under
it, time's awastin'.

- Brandon.

- Please, Mom, I'll have
her home by one o'clock.

- It is my special day.

- You're not wearing that.

- Okay.

- Oh, hey, come with us!

- Yeah!

- No, no, leave the mess.

Come on, I'll clean it up tomorrow.

- No, no thank you,

No fag hag for me tonight.

Go out, have fun, I'll stay and finish up.

- Suit yourself.

Don't steal anything.

(lips smacking)

Two light beers.

Um, give him a couple of bucks for a tip.

And smile, honey.

If you wanna be one of
the boys in the band,

you gotta learn to blow on that trumpet.

Or at least pretend to know how.

Rule number 16 from Brandon's
Book of Bagging Boys.

Thanks, honey.

(uptempo dance music)

Don't look now,

10 o'clock,

totally cute,

and totally checking me out.

Don't move, I'll be right back.

(uptempo dance music)

(uptempo dance music)

(slow dance music)

- [Bartender] Last call,
last call for alcohol!

- James?

(chuckles)

I thought that was you!

How are you?

- I'm fine, how are,

what are you doing here?

- I'm gay, remember?

- I have to get going.

- Oh, have a good night.
- And you, too.

- It is so good to see you.

I haven't seen you since school, right?

- No, I don't think so.

Hey, what happened at the reunion?

Everybody thought you were gonna be there.

- Work.

You know how it is.

- Yeah.

- So, you went, how was it?

- I wanted more of the guys
to be fat and balder than me,

but I did get cornered in
the bathroom at one point

by half the football team.

- And?

- They wanted to know
if I'd been on TV yet.

- Oh, you're still acting!

- Yeah, yeah, I'm still acting.

I mean, I'm trying.

This is my turf, hombre,
you got a problem?

Don't make me call my amigos, man.

I'm up for this bad guy in this
Movie of the Week right now.

- That is fantastic!

So, the drama school
really paid off, then.

- Oh, God, yeah, drama school.

- But who remembers college? (laughing)

- Hey.

Let's get out of here.

I'd rather die than close this
place with this lonely bunch.

- I know.

- James, this is my boyfriend, Troy.

- What's up?

- Troy, this is James.

James and I went to high school together.

He's the actor I told you so much about?

- Oh, yeah.

Which restaurant?

(boys laughing)

- Yeah, Troy, I'm not a waiter.

I'm a tour guide at a movie
studio slash theme park.

(boys laughing)

- He was always so funny.

You remember I said how funny he was?

- Yeah.

I'm gonna smoke.

Hustle up, I'll see you outside.

See ya.

- So, you and Troy.

- Five years.

He just passed the Bar,

and we just had a commitment
ceremony two months ago.

Listen, he's waiting, so why
don't I give you my card?

- Stock broker.

- Yeah, it's a small firm
but it pays the mortgage.

- Mortgage, yeah.

- So, I gotta run but you'll be in touch?

Oh, so great running into you like this.

What a surprise.

So, I'll keep my eyes out for
your TV Movie of the Week.

(soft dance music)

(motor running)

- Happy birthday, James.

- Thanks.

- Oh, happy birthday, man.

- Oh, yeah, thanks, hey, it was nice to.

(door slamming)

(motor running)

(clicking)

(soft piano music)

(loud engine roaring)

(wind blowing)

(yelling)

(loud engine roaring)

(uptempo Latin music)

- How do they look?

- Mary Kate and Ashley?

(laughing)

Who is this guy, anyway?

Well, I haven't actually met him yet.

Or them, I should say.

Tonight is the first meeting
of the C.L.I.T. Organization.

- (laughing) The who organization?

(laughing)

- Courageous Ladies Into Truth.

- What, you're going to meet a guy?

- Well, the initial plan
was to fight the good fight

for women across the country,

but every phone call I got was from a man,

every email I got was from a man, so.

- They're probably all gay.

You realize this, don't you?

Oh, can I go with you?

- No, you cannot.

We decided on this, yeah?

I figure I can support
the pussy power movement,

and find a man that supports
the power of my pussy,

all at the same time!

Good?

- Good.

- What would I do without you?

- You'd be me.

- Come on, I'll buy you a cup of coffee.

- [Barista] And two tall, nonfat mochas.

- Thank you.

(footsteps)

- Hey, look.

I'm a superhero.

- Alright, Wonder Woman.

How about grabbing that invisible jet

and bringing it around, I'm running late.

(slamming)

(crashing)

- Ugh. (sighs)

- Oh my God, are you okay?

- Yeah, of course.

My superhero powers are just
a little out of practice.

(moans)

Besides, I was hoping
you'd come running over,

I'd attract your attention,

and you would sweep me off my feet.

I think I love you, you
are the man of my dreams.

Is what I wanted to say.

(high-pitched rewinding)

Ugh. (sighs)

- Oh my God, are you okay?

- Oh, crap.

Is what I said.

(footsteps running)

- Is, is he gonna be alright? (chuckles)

- Uh, not totally, no.

But he'll survive. (chuckles)

Sorry about the mess.

- Andy,

(bell dings)

or my boyfriend, as I prefer to call him,

started at the coffee shop
just over three weeks ago.

(sigh) He is the dreamiest
of dreamy coffee boys, ever.

He's become very popular
in the neighborhood

with all the 15 year old girls.

And James.

I've successfully and secretly stalked him

over these last three weeks,

but now, thanks to my
desire to save the world,

my cover's been blown.

(popping)

(playful instrumental music)

(liquid dripping)

Oh, shit.

(instrumental music)

(spitting)

I don't smoke or do drugs,

and I don't have any money,

so spending it frivolously
isn't a problem,

so please allow me this one vice.

Three days.

No, it's a lie.

Yesterday, I gave a kid a buck
to go in and buy me a cup.

Yeah, I realize I've hit rock bottom,

thank you very much.

You can continue to lecture
me while I stand here

sweating and shaking from withdrawal,

or you can come bail me out.

Thank you.

- You're pathetic, you realize?

- Yes, I do, thank you very much.

You are my savior.

I will take a tall nonfat,

- Oh, no, you don't.

I'm not doing your dirty work.

I will go in with you,

but you have to handle the
transaction by yourself.

And don't forget mine,
that was part of the deal.

- Is he in there?

I don't wanna go in if he's in there.

- I don't see him, let's go.

Believe it or not, my life has purpose

further than the coffee and the boy, Jeff.

- Hi, two tall nonfat mochas, please.

- With whip, please.

- With whip, please.

- Two nonfat mochas with whip?

- Thank you.

(girls giggling)

- Hey, girls.

- [Girls] Oh, hey. (giggling)

- Two cappuccinos?

- Yeah, thanks. (giggling)

- Alright.

- Bye!

(gasps) (mumbles)

- I know!

- Be cool.

(slow instrumental music)

- Oh!

(girls laughing)

- The poor guy.

Oh, God.

(laughing)

(clicking)

(slow instrumental music)

(phone ringing)

♫ James can't get to the phone

♫ So leave your message at the tone

♫ And he'll call you back

(beeping)

- Hi, honey, it's Mom.

Are you there?

Are you screening your calls again?

Hello?

Well, just checking in.

I was going through some old
photo albums this morning,

and I came across some pictures
of you in the fourth grade.

(laughing) Oh boy, oh
boy, were you sure cute.

Do you remember you did
that little one man show

for that book report
assignment where you dressed up

like Christopher Columbus in
that big cardboard Santa Maria

that you made out of a refrigerator box?

(laughing)

You are so clever!

And then, you toured around
to all the other classrooms,

so the other kids could see.

Oh, boy.

That was such fun!

Anyway, your dad and I were thinking,

maybe you can revive that
show and take it around

to some of the local
schools, or something?

- Yes!

- In 1492, I sailed the ocean blue.

No.

- Maybe you could get
a little extra money,

and, you know, get yourself out there,

and maybe one of the little
kid's mother would be an agent.

Well, it's worth a try.

Anyway, listen to your mother.

Call your mother.

Remember, we love ya.

Bye.

(beeping)

- I have to go back to work.

What did you wanna show me?

- Oh, stay right there.

Hey, how was work, anyway?

- I'm thinking about quitting.

Three years of answering telephones,

running personal errands,

and babysitting Lawrence Madison
Esquire's beast of a dog.

It's starting to take it's toll.

Where is that thing, anyway?

Fluffy!

Fluffy.
- Odus!

Okay, not quite sure
how to turn it on yet,

but I've decided to join
the rest of the world

in its technology.

- Shut up.

- I know.

I bought a computer.

- At what garage sale, honey?

- Hey, baby steps.

- Alright, well, congratulations.

I have to go back to work.

Um, come on, Opie.

I'll be back at seven
to pick you up, okay?

- Alright.

- [Brandon] Be ready.
- [James] Will do.

Hey, and learn your boss' dog's name.

- [Brandon] Yeah.

- [Male Voice] Yee-haw!

(country music)

What the hell is that,
some kind of email address?

- Yeah, I know.

What, are telephone numbers
a thing of the past?

I mean, I was never any good
at giving out my phone number,

now I have to get used to
giving out my email address?

I don't even have an email address yet.

And does this mean I should get an address

just for dating purposes?

What do I use as a screen name?

I mean, it's gotta be hot, you know?

And, now, instead of
coming home hoping to find

the little red light on the
answering machine flashing,

I get to obsess over whether or not

that obnoxious little man in the computer

is gonna tell me that I've got mail.

- Well, sweetheart, times,
they are a-changing.

First of all, the world
is already a few years

into the new millennium.

Join us.

And second, would you just pee already?

- Neat, after all these years
of trying to perfect (mumbles)

I find out tonight, from my
best friend, of all people,

I'm still living in 1989?

- In most cases, 1979.

- Yeah, if I said I was
going for that whole retro?

- No.

But you did meet a cute boy.

- He met a boy.

- Are you sure?

- That's the word on the street.

- Does he have protection?

- What do I say if I do email him?

Granted, I mean, I
guess it's less pressure

than having to actually call, right?

Ugh, but now, instead of
worrying about my voice cracking,

or saying something stupid,

there's the whole issue of
spelling and sentence structure.

Whatever happened to the days
of pre-arranged marriages?

Maybe I can just get my mom
to find me a rich doctor

and be done with it.

(soft instrumental music)

♫ Alone I cry

- What are you doing?

You're not going to email him?

- I'm sure he's only
interested in one thing.

- So, what's the problem?

- Hello?

Disease?

The morning after?

My Catholic guilt?

- Unplanned pregnancy?

- Yes, exactly.

Oh, my God, my lip is totally tingling.

I think I have a fever.

Does my lip look swollen?

(metal crashing)

(police sirens)

(classical music)

- Hi, can I help you with something?

- No, thanks.

We're just looking.

- What, it's not Cirque du Soleil.

- Are you here to get tested?

- He is, I'm just looking.

- We both are.

- Great, well, come on in, have a seat,

and let me get set up, I'll be right back.

(classical music)

- Brandon?

Brandon, I think I have syphilis.

- You don't have syphilis.

- I think I have syphilis,
it hurts when I pee.

- Since when?

- Remember?

Last night at the bar.

- Yes, and if you get over
your fear of public bathrooms,

and pee when you had to, and
not hold it in for three hours,

it might not hurt.

You're fine.

- I think I have syphilis.

- Who's first?

- He's up.

- I'm reading up on my sickness, Brandon.

- I guess that'd be me, then.

I'm first.

You don't have syphilis.

- It's not that I'm afraid to get tested,

I'm more afraid of the results.

I mean, I know I haven't been infected,

but it's that God awful fear of 'what if?'

And the needle.

It's mostly the fear of the needle.

(inhaling)

- That wasn't bad at all.

She's really nice.

- (high-pitched voice) I
think I have gonorrhea.

- You ready?

You seem a little
nervous, are you nervous?

- No, me?

I'm fine.

- Oh, good, there's no need to be nervous.

I'm just gonna ask you a few questions,

and then we'll draw the blood,

and then you'll be on your way.

- Okay.

- Great.

What is your age and background?

- 29.

- Hmm.

- Last week.

And Hispanic.

- Oh, really, which side?

- My father.

My first name is really Alejandro
but I go by James because,

- Sweetie, honey, anonymous.

- Right.

- Okay, when was your last HIV test?

- Hmm, it was a year ago, maybe.

- A year ago, maybe?

- Yeah, give or take, a year ago.

- Okay, honey. (laughs)

I'm not gonna lecture you

'cause I know that's not
why you came here today,

but it really is recommended
that you get tested

on a somewhat regular basis.

You see, the virus can sometimes
not be detected at first,

and show up at a later time.

Honey, you're 29, that's almost 30.

It's time to grow up and take
some responsibility, okay?

(slapping)

In the last six months,
when having oral sex,

do you use a condom
sometimes, always or never?

(clock ticking)

- It's been a very slow season.

- Okay.

In the last six months,
when having anal sex,

- That's.

- Okay.

And, in the last year,

(laughing) okay,

to the best of your knowledge,

had any of your partners
been HIV positive?

- No.

- Okay, in the past year,

how many partners have you had?

- Two?

- And did you actually get their names?

- What, is that really
on the questionaire?

- (laughing) No.

(lauging) I'm sorry.

I was just asking for fun.

That'd be neither of them.

(laughing) That's good.

Okay, honey.

Oh, honey, honey, honey.

Why are you here?

- Well, Brandon, my friend,
and I wanted to get tested.

- No, no, no, why are you here?

Your last test,

- Yeah, it was a year ago.

I know, I'm totally gonna
start coming more often.

- Oh, you better,
otherwise there's no reason

to get tested at all. (laughing)

No, the test, it was
negative, I'm assuming?

- Uh huh.
- Yeah.

Okay, from everything you've told me,

and everything I see here today,

it's still negative.

Yeah, but you said sometimes
it can take a while to appear.

- Honey, you are in a very
low risk category, okay?

Not to say that it's not a
possibility of being infected,

there's always that possibility,

so we will do the test.

But it's very improbable.

You see, (laughing)

you actually have to be having sex.

- Yeah, twice!

Actually, a couple more than that,

a couple times with one of the guys.

That makes, like, three
times, or something, that's.

- Pathetic.

Okay, that's really pathetic.

I mean, do you date?

- Yes, I date.

Sometimes.

Wait a minute, low risk
is a good thing, right?

Why am I defending my sex life?

- Or lack thereof.

- I should be getting a
gold star for good behavior.

Maybe a balloon.

- You're almost 30, 30 years old.

No gold star, no balloons.

Okay, which arm do you prefer
to take the blood from?

- You know, I don't think
I prefer you take the blood

from either arm.

Can you stick a Q-tip in
my cheek and check my spit?

Isn't that how they do it?

(rubber slapping)

This is the arm they usually use.

You know, I'm not fond of needles,

so if we could do it
quickly, that'd be best.

- We are gonna conquer that fear.

Yes we are.

You and me together.

We are gonna conquer that fear.

Conquer that fear.

Yep.

Just gonna stick it in and pull it out.

Just a little needle.

Stick it in, drain the
blood into the tube,

and pull it out.

(slapping) Yes.

(slapping) Yes, found it.

We are gonna conquer
that fear, you and me.

You'll see, oh, shoot!

- You know, I think
it's best if I just look

the other direction.

- Oh, come on.

We're just gonna stick it in
(slow motion) and pull it out.

(suspenseful music)

(screaming)

(wind blowing)

(buzzing)

(uptempo instrumental music)

(knocking)

(knocking)

(knocking)

- You're not ready yet?

The movie starts in half an hour.

- I'm totally ready.

- You're obsessed.

Do you know I've been
calling all afternoon

and your phone has just been busy?

- What?

- Hey, hello?

Hey, I'm over here.

Look at me.

You eyes are totally bugging out,

how long have you been
staring at that computer?

- The internet is the
most amazing thing ever.

- Yeah, I know.

I've known for many, many years.

How have you survived thus far?

- I keep ending up on
these 12-year-old girl

websites, though.

Oh, but I am learning
so much about myself.

I'm more likely to plan
the homecoming dance

than be the Queen,

I'm a really good kisser,
but a little shy at first,

and my new virtual
boyfriend's name is Vince,

and I love him.

- You're sick, you
realize that, don't you?

- It's our three hour anniversary.

- Can we go, please?

- Wait a minute.

Did you know they have
personal ads online?

- Of course, that's how I met Xavier.

I love Xavier!

(sobbing)

And if you don't respect that,

then I don't respect
you being in this house!

(sobbing)

(slam)

- Xavier.

- Anyway.

- Anyway, my therapist recommended,

- Your therapist?

- My mother, same thing.

She recommended that
I put myself out there

and look online.

- Good idea, Mom.

- They're hilarious and pathetic.

Look at this picture.

Under 'What celebrity
do you most resemble?'

he put a young Jimmy Carter.

First of all, that's not hot.

And B, no, you don't.

This other guy, L.A. Supermodel,

I don't think so.

- Easy, Bitchy Bitcherson.

Ew.

- That's what I'm saying.

- Scoot over.

Holy.

- Hey, what about the movie?

- We can miss the previews,
show me another one.

(gasps) No, wait a minute.

Let's do one for you!

We can call your therapist, she can help!

- Uh uh, I'm not placing an ad online.

I can find my dates in
person, thank you very much,

and I do not need you,
or my mother, to help.

- Yeah, that's rich.

Let's do you, let's do you!

It will be fun!

- I'm not placing an ad on the computer.

- Fine.

You know, you're lucky you've got me,

but I can't do everything for you.

You're gonna end up in
an early grave, alone,

having a dateless life, never
taking a chance on love.

You could be 85, staring
at this computer screen,

wondering what would have
happened if you had let me

help you fill out the damn dating form.

- Already did it.

- I'm sorry, what did you say?

- I already filled out
the damn dating form.

Can we please go to the movie?

I like the previews.

- Oh, my god, I don't believe it.

Brandon is going to flip out.

What did you say?

- You can read it tomorrow.

- What celebrity did
you say you look like?

- And thus, my online love life begins.

(bell ringing)

(trance music)

(yells)

- Hey there, Boy Wonder LA.

I'm a hot guy, I'm 5"11

and 215 pounds of pure
mean, mass and muscle.

And I just recently got into wrestling

No, not the mental kind, kid,

but the physical kind.

The kind that makes you wanna
sweat and grunt together.

(grunts)

I want you to picture this.

This hot body, right here,

wearing nothing but a singlet,

and you wearing just a jockstrap,

while we roll around the mat.

(James laughing)

(soft piano music)

- Boy Wonder, I like your screen name.

Sometimes I feel like
a boy wonder, myself.

I know I'm not really the
age you're looking for,

but I figured I'd respond anyway.

I'm 19, completely out of
the closet for six years now.

I'm a sophomore at UCLA,

studying to become a medical doctor,

and in my spare time,

I run an outreach program
I founded for gay teens.

(James sighing)

- Hi there, Boy Wonder LA.

I liked your ad.

Especially the part about loving kids

and wanting some of your own one day.

(toddler giggling)

I'm a good looking father of three,

looking for discreet, hot
times with a younger guy.

(laughing)

(kids yelling)
(barking)

I said knock it off!

(toddler crying)

Weekday mornings, when my
wife thinks I'm at the office,

work best for me.

(toddler crying)

Okay, Daddy's coming. (laughing)

(clicking)

- Hey, James.

Thanks for responding to my ad.

It's funny, I was just
about to answer your ad

when I saw you beat me to it.

(laughing) Weird, huh?

I have to tell yoU,

just about every response
I've gotten so far

has been from a lunatic.

(laughing)

Anyway, I'd love to know
a little more about you.

It seems like we might
have a lot in common.

Oh, by the way, I'd love
to see your picture.

Andy Garcia is totally hot.

So, be in touch.

Maybe we can meet in
person one of these days.

Mike.

- Ladies and gentlemen, James and Michael.

(uptempo instrumental music)

(soft instrumental music)

(uptempo instrumental music)

(soft instrumental music)

(uptempo instrumental music)

(honking)

- Would you just tell how your
date with internet boy was?

- Same old, same old, a
date's a date, you know.

- Right, because you have so many of them.

- So, did you sleep with him?

- What?

No, I didn't sleep with him.

- Did you at least see
him partially naked?

- No, what do you think I am?

- Horny.

- Constantly.

- I did not sleep with him,
or see him partially naked.

We were both perfect gentlemen.

- Boring.

- So?

- So, what?

- Oh, are you in love?

(group laughing)

- Oh my god, I am totally in love.

(shrieks)

(laughing)

Could he be more perfect?

I don't think so.

He's cute, he's funny, he has a job.

- [Brandon] Ooh.

- He loves kids, and dogs, oh,

and, he's the only other
person I know that owns,

or will actually admit to owning,

the Greatest Hits album,
Corey Hart the Singles.

- Yay, Jimmy's got a boyfriend.

- It's about time, honey.

- No, you know what?

Don't do this.

I mean, we only had one date.

Yes, this is the man I plan on spending

the rest of my life with,

(group laughing)

but I'm gonna take this one
day at a time, you know?

For the first time, I
actually feel calm and secure

about the whole boy situation.

- So, has he called you yet?

- Uh uh.

Why, should he have called today?

Should I have called him today?

- No, definitely not.

You don't wanna appear desperate.

- I am, I am desperate.

So, it's okay for him to
call, but I can't call.

- Totally.

- I think it's okay to call.

You're not gonna look desperate.

- Are you sure?

I don't wanna scare him off.

Why can't you call the next day?

- Oh, you already called, didn't you?

- Uh uh.

- You totally called him.

- Yes, I called him, just
to say hello and thank you.

You know what?

Don't do this.

Really.

I feel good about all this.

Besides, he wasn't home,
I just left a message.

- Oh, my God, no.
- Oh, my God.

- Honey, you are not a
good message leaver, okay?

You ramble.

- I do not ramble!

I leave the pertinent information.

I am clear, concise and to the point.

I said I had a great time meeting him,

the restaurant he picked
out was fantastic,

(high-speed fast forwarding)

This recipe that my
grandmother used to make,

which was deep.

(high-speed fast forwarding)

And then, I told him how great it was.

(high-speed fast forwarding)

Never been to before.

(high-speed fast forwarding)

Under the disco ball.

- Honey.

- Oh, my God, I rambled.

I'm a rambler.

I'm totally my mother.

- It was charming, I'm sure.

- Oh, I'm sure it was.

Yay, you totally have a boyfriend.

- Our little Jimmy is growing up!

Oh!

- It was bound to happen
one of these days.

(group laughing)

I was just beginning to wonder
if it ever really would.

To my future husband.

- Yay.
(glass clinking)

- That's not all.

It was definitely a five
star horoscope day today.

After two and a half years
of driving in circles,

leading tours to people who fall asleep

and don't speak English,

(Brandon laughing)

and pretending to be scared
by an animatronic shark,

(group laughing)

I got a job.

- An acting job?

You go!

(snapping)

- Well, no, I mean, sort of.

I'm still gonna be working at the park,

but I'm gonna be performing.

I get to go in tomorrow
to be fitted for costume.

- Foxy.

- Oh, can we come see you?

- Yes, you can totally come and see me.

You totally cannot come and see me.

No.

When?

Never.

No, not letting anybody come.

Yes, I know who you,

I know who you are and I don't care.

Yeah, you can try and sneak in,

but I'll have your picture and
all of your vital statistics

posted at every security
desk and entrance,

and make it very clear
that under no circumstances

are you allowed in this park.

Okay.

Okay, goodbye.

I love you, too, Mom.

(slamming)

(sighing)

(soft instrumental music)

- Wanna join me for a cigarette?

- Thanks, I don't smoke.

- First day?

- Yep.

- Who'd a thunk when I was
studying Shakespeare in college,

I'd end up in a bunny suit
getting my tail pulled

by snot-noised seven year olds.

- Hey, listen, man.

I did Shakespeare in the Park for years.

Have you noticed that guy
in the green dinosaur?

Kid was all over the
television when he was four,

singing about the first and
second name of his bologna.

A job is a job, you know?

Break's about over.

You sure you don't wanna smoke?

- Truth is, I've always had
visions of Broadway grandeur.

Even at the ripe old age of eight,

when I produced, wrote,
directed, costumed and starred

in Saint Mary's third grade
production of Peter Pan.

People, we open in two days.

If you wanna go on looking foolish,

then that's your decision.

I know I run a tight oiled ship,

but I'm a professional and
I plan on looking like one.

The choice is yours.

We can all fly together
or I can fly alone.

Now, pull together or I'll walk.

(slamming)

- Oh, man.

Is there any way you can
cover my shift on Friday,

'cause I just ran into the boss

and he thinks I need to wear the caveman.

Now, I know you've only
really trained on the rabbit,

but I was thinking that, uh,

hey, buddy?

Are you listening to me?

- I quit!

(slamming)

(beeping)

- [Electronic Male Voice]
You have no new messages.

- Grr.

- Did he treat you well?

- Yes.

- Did you have fun?

- Mm.

- Do you like him?

- Yes!

To all of the above, yes.

- I don't know what the problem is.

Hand me the purple marker.

Call him, call him!

- Alright!

For the record, I'm calling for you.

I am totally over him.

(beeping)

Oh my God, it's ringing.

- [Woman] We're sorry.

The number you have reached
has been disconnected.

(beep)

- What happened?

Did you get his machine?

- No, I think I dialed the wrong number.

(beeping)

- [Woman] We're sorry.

The number you have reached has been.

- I think he moved or died.

Hey, does this mean
there's no second date?

- Are you okay?

- Yeah, I'm fabulous.

Hey, you wanna go stalk
coffee boy for a little while?

- Oh, honey, I am booked up.

- No, I'll buy.

- How does it look?

- I don't get it.

- More female CEO's, what's not to get?

Equal rights?

- Yeah, that I got, equal rights, woo hoo!

Your sudden political interest,

your need to, out of nowhere,

- My need to feel like I'm
doing something with my life?

My need to feel important?

My need to not sit idly by

while the boneheads who run this country

take us further and further
back to the Stone Age?

- Alright, I'm sorry.

Whatever.

I'm sorry I don't get it.

- Apparently not.

- What, are we leaving?

- I am.

Stay if you want to.

I'm off to fight for equal rights

for women in the workplace.

- (laughing) But you don't
even have a workplace.

You don't have a job, sweetie.

Firstly, you don't either anymore.

And secondly, some day I might.

And when I do, I'd like
to have equal rights.

And when I have a
daughter, and she grows up,

- Whoa, wait.

Now you're having children
on top of all of this?

- You know what?

The whole growing up thing?

You don't get it.

That, I got.

Bye.

- Will you call me later?

- Busy.

I can call you tomorrow.

- Promise not to change your number.

(soft piano music)
(traffic)

(wind blowing)

(soft piano music)

(uptempo instrumental music)

- Thanks, Tom.

I'm here in the alley, behind
the prestigious ad agency,

Emerson and Preston Designs,

where Roxy Hymen has
handcuffed herself in protest

to the verdict in the Mary O'Reilly case.

Miss O'Reilly claims,
after nine and a half years

of employment with the company,

she was being prepped for,
and in line, so she thought,

for a major promotion.

Now, Miss Hymen, what do
you expect to accomplish

with this gesture?

- Well, I'm so glad you asked me that.

I am here to give Ms. O'Reilly a voice.

She has five children that
she now has to turn out

onto the street,

maybe living in a car, or a minivan.

- Right, do you have
some sort of connection

to Miss O' Reilly?

- My connection is the
fact that I have a vagina.

More female CEO's!

I'm here to protest.

(white noise)

- Hello.

- Hey, there you are.

We're going out tonight to celebrate.

- Celebrate what?

- Your independence.

- My unemployment?

- Same thing.

- Roxy called.

- Maybe.

Come on, it's a new day and a new James.

One drink.

It's our night, I can feel it in my bones.

Look, a shooting star.

Make a wish.

(helicopter flying)

Make a wish, anyway.

- Can I have my spare keys back?

- He wishes to be the most
famous Broadway, movie,

and television actor of his generation,

meet and marry the
hottest guy on the planet,

second and third to me, of course,

and live out their lives dripping
with wealth and happiness.

- Don't forget world peace.

- Oh, and a bigger TV,
preferably widescreen.

Amen.

(speaking foreign language)

(phone ringing)

Let the machine get it.

I'm here, no one else calls you.

- What if it's Mike?

(phone ringing)

My internet boyfriend?

(phone ringing)

One drink.

♫ James can't get to the phone

♫ So leave your message at the tone

♫ And he'll call you back

(beeping)

- [Roxy] Hey, it's me.

Pick up, pick up.

You have to come get me.

I was arrested!

It was fucking fantastic.

Hello?

(beeping)

(uptempo club music)

- So, what's up?

- How you doin'?

- Delicious. (laughing)

- Thanks.

- What are you looking for tonight?

- Sorry?

- What's your seed?

What's the action?

What gets a little guy like you motivated?

- Are you serious?

Is he serious?

(man laughing)

- Uh.

Oh.

Uh, what do you do?

- James.

- James!

What do you do?

- Nothing.

Wow, my career flatlined
at 11:17 this morning.

- That's cool, man.

Go with the flow.

So, what do you think I do?

- I don't know.

- Come on, give it a shot, guess.

- (laughing) I don't know.

- I'm an inventor!

True story.

And, I think I just
invented me a new scent,

on the market as of this morning.

It's called Eau de James.

Smell of James.

- Oh, you gotta be kidding me.

- Excuse us!

- Thanks for the drink.

Where have you been?

You said one drink.

- I've gotten my wish.

Not bad for shooting star, huh?

- Hi, again.

- Oh, sorry.

This is,

- Howie.

- Howie.

- Howie?

Hey, hi me.

Classic.

You know what, I'm gonna go.

- Wait, but I drove.

- Yeah, I know, I'm gonna walk.

You stay, I'm gonna go.

- Let me walk you out.

Let me just walk him
out, I'll be right back.

(uptempo club music)

(street murmur)

Hey, are you okay?

What's going on?

- Yeah, I don't know.

I'm tired, I'm just tired.

- From what?

- I'm tired of all of this.

I'm fine, I need to go home.

- Come on, we'll go back to the bar,

we'll find you some guy
for the rest of the night.

- I don't want some guy
for the rest of the night.

I'm not like you!

- Excuse me?

- I can't jump from guy
to guy, night after night.

I don't want to!

- And you honestly think that I want to?

- What do you expect me
to think when you drag me

out here every night

and then you ditch me in the corner

10 minutes after we get here?

It's a bad habit.

- You're telling me.

- Yeah, and you know, and
you're out for one thing,

and one thing only,

and I'm sick of chasing you
around trying to figure out

what the fuck it is they like about you

that they don't like about me.

I don't know, maybe if I walked around

with my dick in my hand,
that might do something.

Something has gotta change.

- You're right.

Good night, James, I'm done.

- What?

- I'm not gonna babysit,
and hold your hand,

and walk you through the bar anymore.

- What are you talking about?

You don't have to babysit me and walk me.

- Yeah? Come on.

That's what I thought.

At least I'm putting myself out there.

At least I'm taking the jump.

(uptempo instrumental music)

- I'm in my late 20's and I
have a pathetic savings account,

and now, no job,

and I'm sick of going out
trying to meet nice guys,

only to find that they're
spouting off lines

trying to get me to go home with them.

- Okay, a mother doesn't
need to know all the details.

The right person is out there.

- Yes, I know, I know, I know,

and it will all magically
happen when I least expect it.

- Mhm.

- I went to a fortune teller
on a first date with someone,

that I really liked, by the way,

only to have her tell me that
he was not the love of my life

and, in fact, I would not
meet the love of my life

until I was in my early 40's.

How depressing is that?

- Now, stop it.

Stop listening to all these people

telling you what your
life should, or will, be.

Do I wish your life
was a little different?

Yes, a little bit.

I think it isn't easy, this
career path you've chosen,

I think it's not easy
owning up to who you are,

and I hate to hear the things people say.

It hurts.

They're talking about my baby.

Please don't make me cry, Mom.

- And, I'd be lying if I said
I didn't have hopes of you

getting married and having a
family of your own some day.

But, you will.

Maybe not the family that
I had originally imagined,

but you will love them,

and believe me, they are gonna love you.

- I just worry.

- Oh, you worry too much.

That's half your problem right there.

Every since you've been five,
you've been going on 40.

I don't worry.

You dad and I don't worry about you.

It's just taking a little
but longer than we imagined.

- (scoffs) God, that's
an understatement, Mom.

My current goal

is to defeat the Expert level
of Minesweeper on my computer.

Even that is not going as planned.

- It's time to get serious.

This is your test.

This is where we get to
see what you're made of.

And remember, honey,

Rome was not built in a day.

- Yes, but.

- No buts.

You'll get built, I know it.

- Why are you so wise?

- Because I am your mother.

(lips smacking)

Here, before I forget.

(clears throat)

It's a rainbow flag sticker for your car.

I got one for me, too.

- Of course you did.

(wind blowing)

- What did you expect?

- I don't know.

Um, ultimate fulfillment?

A big house, a nice car, a sexy man,

possibly a standing ovation.

- Hi, thanks for coming.

That's our syllabus.

- [Girl] Okay.

- What, lights, camera, action?

- Yes, exactly.

The Broadway musical of my life.

Is that so much to ask for?

- Honestly, yes.

Look, I've known you for,

oh, hey, did you get
that email I sent you?

- Sure did.

Very informative.

I can't believe the school
reneged on its promise

for married student
housing when they found out

that woman's spouse was another woman!

- I know.

Well, they seem to think that
higher education standards

should be more focused
on education, instead of,

- Hey, can you help me for a minute?

- Social engineering.

That's our syllabus.

- Hey, I have a question,
if you could just.

- We're gonna fight this one, okay?

I'm glad you could come.

- Thanks.

- Would you just hold on,
just a minute, please?

- Pardon me.

- We've known each other for
longer than just a few minutes.

I hate to be the one to break this to you,

but you are high maintenance.

(phone ringing)

- What?

- Madison and Associates.

Mr. Madison is in a meeting,
let me give you his voicemail.

- Hi.

- What are you doing here?

- I have a 4 o'clock with Mr.
Madison to try to figure out

how to get back on the good
side of my best friend.

- Mr. Madison is at lunch,
would you like his voicemail?

- I just wanted to say that,

I'm not high maintenance.

- No, I love you.

Really, I do.

- You honestly think that somewhere in my

apparently shallow heart and mind,

that I don't hope that
I might find the one?

- I'm sorry.

- I wouldn't change you for the world,

but, oh, would you just hold on a minute?

- God, you're work.

Alright, I didn't mean it like that.

- Yes, you did.

- Well, yeah, I did.

- Yeah, but would you say
that I'm high maintenance?

(phone ringing)
- Madison and Associates?

- Okay, I'm a little dramatic, yes, maybe.

But, high maintenance?

Really?

- And hypochondriacal.

- Oh, you worry too much.

That's half your trouble right there!

- It's just that I like
structure, you know?

I like things to go as planned.

- Every since you've been
five, you've been going on 40!

- You realize you're not the
only one struggling here?

But at least we're trying
to do something about it.

- Yeah, and you're getting
yourself arrested in the process.

- Yeah, and I was thrilled
to discover that beer

took precedence over bailing me out.

We should get started in
just a couple minutes.

Can you just let the others know?

Thanks.

If you wanna get something done,

you're gonna have to do it yourself.

- Honey, you're 29, that's almost 30.

It's time to grow up and
take some responsibility.

(slapping)

- Thank you.

- What, you're leaving?

- I'm going home.

- You're running away.

- I've gotten to the top of the wall.

- You are almost 30, 30
years old, no balloons.

- And there was nothing there.

There was nothing.

- So, what did you do?

- What do you mean what did I do?

I woke up.
(phone ringing)

- Madison and Associates?

No, he's in a hearing all day.

Let me give you his voicemail.

You didn't sit and look around?

No, I didn't sit and look around.

I woke up, I was pissed off.

- This is your test.

- Stop running away.

- Well, why are you here?

- I've printed something out for you.

- What is it?

- It's a last-ditch effort.

It's an audition, you should go.

- Experimental Shakespearean
Tragedy in the Valley?

- Flirt a little.

- We are gonna conquer that fear.

- So what of the guy across
the bar hasn't noticed you yet?

The one standing next to you

might be trying to get your attention.

- You have to get yourself back out there.

- This is where we get to
see what you're made of.

- Hey, while you're out
there, enjoy the view.

- That is totally what my horoscope said.

(phone ringing)

- You have to go.

- What?

- Enjoy the view.

- Next time you get to
the top of the wall,

sit a while.

(phone ringing)

Madison and Associates?

(soft instrumental music)

(beeping)

- Hi, this is Mike,

from the gas and electric company?

I'm sorry to be calling to inform you

that your payment is severely overdue.

Unfortunately, all
services will be terminated

if payment is not received by today.

This--

- (sighs) This isn't how
it was supposed to be.

(banging)

- [Dad] Dear Son, remember who you are.

Love, Dad.

- Ow!

Hi, James Sanchez.

- [Male Voice] Go ahead, James.

- I know you all,

and will awhile uphold the
unyoked humor of your idleness.

Yet herein will I imitate the sun.

- [Male Voice] Good, that's enough.

- Yet herein will I imitate the sun,

who doth permit the base contagious clouds

to smother up his beauty from the world?

That, when he please again to be himself,

Being wanted, he may be more wondered at

- [Male Voice] Thank you, thank you.

- He may be more wondered at

by breaking through the
foul and ugly mist of vapors

that did seem to strangle,

- That's all we need to day, thank you.

- So when this loose behavior I throw off

and pay the debt I never promised,

by how much better than my word I am?

By so much shall I falsify men’s hopes,

that, like bright metal
on a sullen ground,

My reformation, glitt'ring o'er my fault,

shall show more goodly
and attract more eyes

Than that which hath
no foil to set it off.

I’ll so offend to make offense a skill,

Redeeming time when
men think least I will.

Thank you.

I'll send in the next,

- [Woman's Voice] Um, wait a second.

That was really nice, James.

- Thank you.

- [Woman's Voice] Yeah, really nice.

Are you free to come
back tomorrow at five?

- When I was younger,

and night after night, I
had this recurring dream,

where this clown came out of the closet

and poked at me while I
helplessly laid there.

But what got me to sleep
was fantasizing about

making out with Robby McNally,

hmm,

who's the captain of my high
school cross country team.

The clown died the day I
came out of the closet.

I am 29 and a half,

however, now, at the pivotal moment

where Russell Crowe leans in to kiss me,

he magically morphs into Barbara Walters.

She presses her lips close
to my ear and she reminds me

to enjoy the view. (chuckles)

So, here I sit,

as patient as James-ly possible,

and wait for a view to enjoy.

Breathe in,

breathe out,

embrace.

Breathe in, breathe out.

Breathe in, breathe out.

- Hey, tall nonfat mocha with whip!

Oh, shit.

Shit, I'm sorry.

(laughing) Are you okay?

- Yeah, I'm fine, I'm fine.

It's, hi.

- Hi, I didn't mean to scare you.

I'm just on my way to work.

- Oh, no, no, you didn't
scare me, I'm fine.

- I just wanted to say hey. (laughs)

Hey.

So, I'll let you get back to.

- Procrastinating.

Hi, James.

- I know, your friend Roxy told me.

Andy.

- I know.

You wear a name tag.

- Right. (laughs)

So, where have you been?

We got a tall nonfat mocha
with your name on it.

- Yeah, I gave up coffee for Lent.

- Yeah?

Lent's a month away.

- Damn.

I've been in hiding.

- That's no good.

- Oh, but I'm getting better, I'm out now.

I'm definitely out.

Of hiding, I mean.

- Welcome back. (laughs)

So, Henry V, it's a classic.

- Oh, yeah, well, it's
an adaption, actually.

You know, using all of
Shakespeare's texts,

but sung to modern day original music,

and set during the Gulf War.

- Desert Storm or Iraqi freedom?

- The first.

I'm part of the chorus,
I'm just learning my lines.

- Oh, shit.

You were serious.

I'm an idiot.

I'm so embarrassed.

- Oh no, god, don't be.

It's terrible!

The writer/director has big
plans of taking it to New York,

but if she can get anybody to come see it

in a church basement way down time,

I'll consider it a success.
(Andy laughing)

God bless her, though, you know?

I mean, I've been in her position,

but when you're seven,
everybody has big plans

for their bedroom puppet shows.

- Well, it's good to have plans.

I'm still figuring mine out.

Now, you see, you're lucky.

You're doing what you wanna be doing.

- Yeah, I guess I am.

- Guess? (laughing)

You got it all figured out.

- (laughing) I'm a better
actor than I thought.

- No, seriously.

Have you ever thought to yourself, like,

what the hell is my life all about?

- You have no idea.

- Um, glad I'm not the only one.

But, for now, I got
coffee beans to grind, so.

So, your show, do you
have a flier or something?

- No, not on me.

But I can bring one by the shop.

I promise not to knock anything over.

- (laughs) That's alright.

Don't worry, we nailed
everything to the floor

since your last visit.

I'll trade you.

A flier for your show,
for a tall nonfat mocha.

- I'm thinking of trying something new.

- Alright, whatever you decide.

On the house.

(acoustic guitar music and humming)

- [Actors] La la la la la, ma ma ma ma.

(warming up vocally)

- [Announcer] Ladies and gentlemen,

this is your half hour call.

Half hour, please, half hour.

(suspenseful music)

(shushing)

♫ O for a Muse of fire

♫ A kingdom for a stage

♫ Then should the warlike Harry,

♫ Like himself

♫ Assume the port of Mars

(tapping)

- Follow!
- Follow, follow.

- Follow!
- Follow, follow.

(mumbles) on fire.

- Follow, follow.

- Follow!

- Follow, follow.

- Follow!

(percussion music)

(ensemble singing)

(audience clapping)

- [Brandon] Oh my god, oh my god.

- Oh, my God!

That was really bad.

- I dint know Henry V
was a musical comedy.

- Yeah, thank you for coming anyway.

- Oh, wouldn't have missed it.

Never, ever, wanna see it again,

but wouldn't have missed it.

(group laughing)

- Uh, look who we found.

- Hey.

(laughs) You were great.

It was really, really great.

- Yeah, you don't see
much theater, do you?

- Um, I got these for ya.

- You brought me flowers?

- Yeah, I wanted to get you
something for opening night.

I was torn between flowers and candy,

or balloons, which would have been weird.

- No, they're perfect.

I love them.

- I'm glad.

So, Roxy said you guys are
going out to celebrate?

Yeah, we're going to some
opening night cast thingie

that I'm dragging them along to.

It's gonna be dreadful, I'm sure.

- Well, cool, cool.

I'll let you get back, then.

(laughs) That was fun,

I'm really, really glad I came.

So, um, I'll see you later?

- Yeah, yeah, I'll see you later.

Thanks for the flowers.

He brought me flowers.

- Yeah, and are you totally unaware

of what was going on there?

- Why do you think I told
him we were going out?

He all but just invited himself along.

- You think?

- No wonder you're eternally single.

We can do our celebrating tomorrow.

Take him to the party.

- No, I don't wanna put him through that.

I don't wanna put myself through that.

- Then, take him somewhere else!

Just be yourself.

- It's not that hard, is it?

Go home.

- Don't blow this one.

- Yeah, let him blow you.

- Andy!

- Hey.

- Hey.

Hey.

I was wondering if,
- Would you like to?

- I'm sorry, you first.

- No, I was just gonna
ask if you wanted to,

- You know what?

I'm sorry, I have to go first.

Um, listen, I was thinking that,

actually, I'm not
thinking at all right now.

I find myself sort of right
here watching in horror

as I babble on, but that is
totally besides the point.

Um, listen.

I was wondering, you know,

since we see each other on
a somewhat regular basis,

and if you're not busy,

and since I don't really know you,

and you really don't
know anything about me

except that I'm a total klutz,

and possibly any other information

that Roxy may have given
you without my knowing it.

Wow, I'm having a severe flashback

to Freshman year of college right now,

when I felt the need to
ask this girl Jennifer out,

simply because it felt
like the right thing to do.

- Are you asking me out?

- Yeah, I guess.

I mean, is that okay?

I mean, do you wanna go get coffee?

- No.

Not coffee.

(laughs) Anything but coffee.

- (laughs) Great.

- What about your friends?

- They had to go home.

I told them to go home.

- You didn't ask me out
because it felt like

the right thing to do again, did ya?

- No.

Well, yeah.

- (laughs) Well, good.

Mr. Sanchez.

- Well, that's very kind of you.

Thank you very much.

I'm getting in your car

and I don't even know your last name.

- Thankfully, they don't
put it on the name tag,

- It's Griffith.

- Griffith?

(laughs) Your name is Andy Griffith?

- Hey, be nice.

- No, it's cute.

Ow.

(Andy laughing)

- So are you.

(beeping)

- [Mom] I've got a bone
to pick with you, Honey.

This whole getting older thing?

30 years old?

I don't like it.

The older you get, the older I get.

I don't like it at all.

Dad and I want to get
you something special

for your birthday this year.

So, think about it, and let us know.

(knocking)

- We're here!

(knocking)

Hello?

(knocking)

Hello?

- I have this recurring
dream where I'm sitting

on a brick wall at the top of a mountain,

and my vision's fuzzy.

I sit there staring at what
looks like an abstract painting.

And I sit and stare, night after night.

But then one night, I see motion.

And the colors swirl, and for a long time,

they almost seem to fight each other

and make absolutely no sense at all.

And then, little by
little, the colors blend,

and something begins to take form.

(soft instrumental music)

There's a certain kind
of peace you come to

when you allow yourself
to sit and enjoy the view.

The blurred vision gets clearer,

and I find myself staring at a person

that looks a lot like me.

He blinks.

Same eyes.

When he smiles, a very familiar smile.

And then, he speaks in a voice
that is unmistakably mine.

"What's past is prologue," he says.

All I see now is blank white canvas.

All I see now is hope.

(gasping)

- Happy birthday, honey!

- Happy birthday, amigo.

- Girl.

- Happy birthday, James.

(mom giggling)

(soft instrumental music)

- Hey.

- Hey.

- Make a wish, James.

- Hi, I'm James.

Up to this point, things
have not gone as planned,

but I forgive myself.

I think I'm ready to jump.

I wish.

- Hey, don't tell us
or it won't come true.

(inhaling)

(soft instrumental music)

♫ Don't know where I'm going

♫ All at sea out here

♫ What's this thing called gravity

♫ I'm so burnt out on fear

♫ Someone come and save me

♫ At least just take me home

♫ I'm too old to be here

♫ Got that tired old urge to roam

♫ So what else is new

♫ Had a teacher back in high school

♫ Name was Mrs. Jones

♫ Born in Hiroshima but she
looked like tea and scones

♫ Wrote out in my yearbook
in some purple ink

♫ Do take time to smell the flowers

♫ It makes me kinda think

♫ So what else is new

♫ So what else is new

♫ Did I win my Oscar yet

♫ Did I make my bed

♫ Trying to live inside my skin

♫ Not camp out in my head

♫ Win the rat race, pay the bills

♫ Round and round it goes

♫ Like a broken record

♫ what it means this life

♫ No one knows

♫ If I got married at
19 like my mom and dad

♫ I might have had three kids by now

♫ That might not be so bad

♫ But here I am, not 19,

♫ Thinking too damn much

♫ Trying not to bolt from life

♫ But God I need a crush

♫ So what else is new

♫ So what else is new

♫ Oh and did I change the world today

♫ Did I see my shrink

♫ I'd be rich if I got paid
to sit around and think

♫ I guess I finally get it

♫ It's all just messy here

♫ If there's one thing that I'm clear on

♫ It's that nothing is really clear

♫ So what if it's that simple

♫ What if I just sit

♫ Maybe Mrs. Jones was right

♫ Maybe this is it

♫ Maybe it's that easy

♫ Maybe it's okay

♫ Maybe I'll just smell the
flowers before they pass away

♫ So what else is new

♫ So what else is new

♫ So what else is new

- [Woman's Voice] Take three.

♫ Maybe I am

(snapping)

♫ Maybe I am

♫ Maybe I am

- One.

(snapping)

- Roxy, take two, A camera.

(snapping)