25 Siblings and Me (2020) - full transcript

This programme contains some
strong language from the start.

OK, so...

I'm really bad with family tree
stuff, by the way!

So...

I'll start with...

me.

I'd describe myself as objective, logical,

obsessed with specific topics.

Like, I don't have much emotion.

I've grown up being told that I'm weird,

that I'm not normal enough for people.



So I've felt like I've not
really had anyone around,

growing up.

I know Oli has constantly wanted
deep friendships,

but has never been able to achieve them.

Sterling...

Sarah,

Spencer...

Sibling number 15.

Oh, Melissa.

Sibling number 12. Oh, Lindsay.

Number 20. I think I'm sibling number 22.

13. 14.

Number seven. Number eight.

I'm so confused by this.



Number one. Three. Two.

26.

I have 26 siblings.
That's two baseball teams!

We're all kind of new to this.

We're the first generation that
this situation has ever applied to.

Is that...? Any I'm missing?

I feel like there's...

No... No.

The plan is to fly from state
to state in America,

meeting some of these siblings,
where they live,

then have one big reunion

at the end in California.

I think his intention,
going into this journey,

is definitely to feel loved.

He feels that these siblings,
there's this shorthand,

they're just going to go, "Bam! I get you."

What do you want to get out of this?

Jesus Christ, like,
just fucking one, at least, strong,

good, healthy relationship.

This whole thing started
because I was curious

about my biological family.

So I signed up to US websites
that helps children of sperm donors

find each other.

About six months ago, I got
this email from someone

called Jordan, erm,

with the subject line, "Nice to meet you."

Erm, "Hi, Oliver.

"I know this must be a bit
overwhelming for you,

"but I've lots to tell you.

"We're all so excited to know you,

"and when I say we, I mean
not only your donor, Daley,

"who I'm in contact with,

"but - deep breaths -

"your 24 other half-siblings.

"Hopefully we can talk soon.

"Smiley face."

I knew that my donor existed,

but it was some mystical thing
that was in the back of my head.

I didn't know how many siblings I had.

I knew nothing.

And it's, like, oh, fuck, OK.

This giant dynamic that
I was totally unaware of.

My first... When all this happened,

my first thought was, this is a joke.

This is a wind-up.

In a gay relationship, you try
to have the child as connected

as you possibly can with your partner.

The only way that we saw it working
was to take one egg from one,

fertilise it externally
and put into the other one.

I was the carrier.

Oli is the first child of egg
transfer to be born in the UK.

When choosing a donor,
what was top criteria?

Anonymous.

Yep.

Glaringly obvious.

What? Identity release.

No.

You don't want a third party
knocking on the door.

We had a choice and we wanted
to protect that family unit.

My donor.

He was just a number.

But he decided to take himself
off the anonymous thing

and make himself a known donor.

Some of the siblings,
they started to find each other

through DNA testing and also
sibling registries.

Pretty much almost all of them,
for years, had been meeting up,

going to reunions.

And it's like our lifelong dream
coming true.

I cannot stop smiling!

Something New by Axwell and Ingross

# Cos we belong to something

# We belong to something

# We belong to something new. #

Oh, my gosh, I just think it would
have been amazing to be there.

Everybody say hi to the group Insta! Hello!

We may be going to get impulse
tattoos at some point today.

Cheers!

When I met them and when I spent
time with them,

I just got such a warm, fuzzy feeling

that I've never experienced before.

It sort of felt like I actually have
these people that will have my back,

but it sort of turned out
quite differently.

Why?

WhatsApp.

In the beginning, it was great.

It went quite well, actually.

I think, emotionally,

his Asperger's is very clear
in the way that he doesn't

feel in the same way that
perhaps you or I would feel.

I like things like carnivorous plants...

What's in there? Oh, those are
my Madagascan hissing cockroaches.

He's hard-wired differently.

I've got some glass catfish.

It's really cool.

And why is that cool?

Because it's unlike other, most other fish.

What's your favourite animal?

Oh, tardigrades.

I know Oli has wanted social connections,

but it doesn't come naturally for him.

That comes down to his inability

to understand another person's situation.

In his world, it's very black and white.

You have an argument, you have a debate.

The emotional side doesn't come into it.

Over the next few months,
there were a few arguments.

When backed into a corner, Oli
will find that really hard

to navigate, either backwards or forwards,

and his natural instinct
is to plough on through.

Everyone should be able to have

rational conversations.

The problem is a lot of them
take debate very personally.

Oh, there was, like, the pro-life,
pro-choice debate.

Oh, yeah, we spoke about the wealth gap,

systematic racism, sperm donors,
authoritarianism,

superficial gay culture...

What do you want from them?

To be honest, I just want them to accept me

for who I am,

erm,

and to not feel that I'm being careless,

just through being me.

Erm,

that's it, really, to be honest.

The fact is the majority feeling
towards me in the group is negative.

I want to see if that can change.

It's my family,
so obviously it's important to me.

OK, I'm just going, cos it's so hot,

like, what will I really need?

You're not going to be THAT hot.

Yeah, I will.

This was a whammy that I didn't see coming.

Is that it?

Yep.

It's difficult

to protect him from... from...
Especially this scenario,

because it's not just friends,
it's siblings.

There is this connection.

If Oli didn't have Asperger's
and I hadn't seen him struggle

throughout all of his schooling years,

I would hope that this would open
up more doors, more friendships.

With the way that it's gone so far,

I don't really know what Oli will...

how it will be,

because there's so many unknown variables.

Yeah, I'm dreading it.

You have to take a step back,
and just nod and go,

"Isn't that lovely?",

whereas, you know, your heart's
kind of like, "Argh!"

Go in cautiously,

don't wear your heart on your sleeve

and work out where you want
to invest your time,

and know that I'll be stalking you.

I'm starting to realise
we're actually going to the US.

Man On Fire by Edward
Sharpe and The Magnetic Zeros

# I'm a man on fire

# Walking through your street

# With one guitar

# And two dancing feet

# Only one desire

# That's left in me

# I want the whole damn world

# To come dance with me

# Oh...

# Come dance with me

# Over murder and pain

# Come set you free

# Over heartache and shame... #

Shoo!

Shoo, shoo!

I thought it was going to be warm.

How's it going?
Have you got warm enough clothes?

No, I thought it would be, like,
a tropical paradise,

but it's freezing where I am.

We're just at the Airbnb
and we're planning to see

Lindsay later tonight.

All right, darling.
Well, keep me posted. OK.

I'll speak to you soon.

I'm Lindsay. I am sibling number 20.

So I would say Lindsay is one of the more

sort of volatile siblings.

She can be, like, the most
empathetic and warm and fuzzy,

but she can also be slightly scary.

I just want to have the opportunity

to have a one-on-one sort of
relationship with her.

All I know is I feel quite nervous.

You just want these things to work out.

Oh, my God! Hey!

Hey. Oh, how are you?

Good. How are you?

Oh, I'm good, I'm good.

I like this. Thank you.

This is only, like, the second time
you've been around any of us.

It's weird, I don't usually think
we, like, look a ton alike,

but for some reason, I'm, like,
looking at you

and I'm seeing my face,
and it's really weird. Ha-ha! Oh!

I don't know if you're, like,
having that experience, but, like,

it's still that, like, you expect
the craziness of it to get,

like, less... It doesn't... like,
the magnitude of the crazy

to decrease over time, but it doesn't.

Do some noises, like,
really irritate you? Yeah.

I hate chewing. Me too! Oh, my God.

It's called misophonia.

A couple of us have it, actually.

It, like... It makes me want to die.
Do you eat, like, lemons as well?

Yeah, I'm one of the ones that eat lemons.

I always eat the lemons. I peel them
and I eat them like oranges.

It's really interesting
that all of us sort of individually

came to the conclusion that, like, OK,

we're going to try and make this a family,

and it seems to kind of have worked, right?

It's not going to be,
like, 100% harmonious,

but the fact that, like, so many
people are in contact,

and chat... Yeah, for sure.
..at all, is, like, just...

Oh, oh, my God, that's... Oh, very nice.

Thank you so much.

The way I sort of describe it
is just, like, you know,

we're as dysfunctional as any other
family, right? Yeah.

Like, every family has its...

its stuff, but I think it
gives it character.

Two years ago, Mom and I were
talking, and I was, like,

I just want to understand.

I feel like there's this thing,
and I don't know what it is,

I can't identify what it is,

but, like, I know it's there.

She told me, "We had trouble
conceiving you.

"We had to do fertility treatments
while your dad couldn't have kids,

"so we chose to use a sperm donor."

I actually went through,
like, a couple of weeks

where I, like, couldn't really
look in mirrors.

That transitioned into...
And it's still a thing now,

where, like, I just, like,
can't stop staring at my face,

cos it's, like, I finally
understand where it comes from.

Nobody in my family has curly
hair like this.

Nobody has green eyes that, like,
all of us have.

We've been siblings
since the day we were born.

I just didn't know them.

Hi!

I had all of these people that I,
like, had to get to know,

and I wanted to do it as fast as possible.

Oh, my God, we're the same height!
This is so weird! I know!

Hi! Hi! We have the same eye colour.
What the fuck?

Do it. Go meet Kristen.

It was so overwhelming and so emotional.

Oh, my God!

It's almost like primal recognition
of something in each other,

that, like, just transcends anything.

Oh, my God!

It's understandable that there
might be more clashes,

because the amount of us,

and the newer siblings, like me,

probably still have a lot more to learn.

Yeah, there's definitely... there's
definitely a learning curve.

Yeah, I think so.

I sort of think about it
like it's a mirror.

You can see the best parts
and the worst parts of yourself

reflected in other people
in the group... Yeah, that's true.

and, you know, like,
you can either choose to, like,

grow from that, or you can not,

but, I reckon it's, like,
the best growth opportunity

that anybody could ever possibly ask for.

I wasn't sure I'd be that excited,

but then when I was actually sitting
there, like, waiting,

and then I, like, saw her,
I all of a sudden got, like, er,

like, an adrenaline spike.

All I know is I feel like a
fuzzy, warm feeling,

erm...

I think it went well.

I like Lindsay.

Do you think she likes you?

I don't know. I think...

I'm not sure, to be honest.

I think Oliver can be incredibly sweet.

Like, I like Oliver...

most of the time.

My thing with Oliver is I feel
like I'm always so anxious

about what he's going to say.

It almost feels like walking on eggshells.

I think he feels the same way
about walking on eggshells.

Probably.

The problem is, these relationships,
they're the most important thing,

and they're delicate,
and you have to be so careful.

This is a very complex situation.

It's complex people.

It's a very fragile group dynamic

and it is upset very easily.

It's delicate.

It's a delicate thing

that we all choose to invest time
and energy into.

These are relationships that we
have, like, nurtured to grow.

So many of us are so socially aware.

Obviously, Oliver having Asperger's,

being, like, in that realm,

that changes things.

You need to get in the car, Ols.

I know.

All in good time.

We haven't got good time!

It's, like, 4:45, the flight's at six,

and we've got to drop off the car.

All in good time. Patience.

Patience is a virtue, Will.

Hi, I'm Brooklynn,

and I'm sibling number 13.

What do you see?

It was always, like, something
different about me

that meant that I couldn't normally
socialise with people.

You're going to meet your uncle, Oliver.

Why don't you get along with most people?

To be honest, I don't know.

I feel like perhaps I miss certain
sort of, like,

in the moment social cues, maybe.

Oh, my God! Look!

Can you say hi?

Hello!

Say hi, Uncle Oli!

Oh, my God!

How do you feel?

Yeah, I don't know what...

It's so adorable, babe.

So cute!

How are you, anyway? I'm good.

I don't really know, like, what to say.

That's OK!

It's very cute!

I grew up with a mom, a dad
and then twin brother and sister,

Spencer and Jordan.

How's it going? Hey.

Hello! Oh, my God!

Nice to meet you!
You are taller than I expected.

Oh, yeah, they've never met.
I don't know what I expected.

I'm Jordan and I'm sibling number 14.

I like this. Is that a scarf?

Yeah, it is.

Oh, it's really nice
to see you again. You too.

I am Spencer and I'm sibling number 15.

I can cook really good, like,
venison or steak,

but that's not really relevant to a vegan.

Excellent observation!

Oli catches a ton of shit
for things that he does,

which are, erm, often times
largely his fault.

At the moment, the mood in regards

to you is relatively negative,

because of the...

because of the text interaction.

Reading messages from you,
it is easy to be, like,

"Oh, he's just being an asshole".

On some level, in a group like this,

you have to have some kind of filter

if you don't want to be
constantly... Yeah... arguing.

And being considerate obviously goes
a long way for your relationships.

Yeah. People are actually concerned
about you, to an extent.

Some people, whenever they're
talking about something

that's maybe contentious,
they try to make it very clear

that they're trying to be sensitive
to how other people

feel about it... Mm.

and I think people get upset
with you because you're...

you can just be more deadpan
about it. Yeah.

Do you know what I mean?

For me, what has been repeated
in the group a lot is

impact over intentions,
which doesn't make any sense,

because the impact should also
include someone's intentions,

and actually understanding who they are

and what they mean.

He's atypical, socially,

but it doesn't make it so that he's
absolved of responsibility

for, like, when he says stuff
that upsets people, right?

Like, the Asperger's adds context,
but it doesn't excuse things

to the degree that I think
he might want them to.

If he's acting like a dick,

people will be like, "Yeah, I mean,
I get that that's who you are,

"but also, like, I'm just not interested."

It sucks, because I'd really
like to sort of just have, like,

that opportunity just to sort of
get to know people

on, like, a more one-on-one basis.

I'm not, like, the easiest
person to have a relationship with

for some people,

and, like, I understand that,

but, you know, it is still
upsetting for me, sometimes,

sort of having, sort of, like, the
same issues, like, over and over.

Erm... Yeah.

I hope you know that, the three of us,

we will always listen to how
you're feeling and try to help

and... Yeah... we know that
we're not perfect, like,

we can all get frustrated, too.

But I do hope that you feel
that you at least have some kind of

support system, if you ever do need
to talk about something.

Mm, just, like, having three people,
like, face-to-face,

it's a lot less scary
and unpredictable and, like,

everyone's on the same page more,
sort of, if that makes sense?

Well, maybe not on the same page,
but at least in the same boat.

You know what I mean?

Me and Brooklynn and Jordan,

we've been so close for our whole lives.

My dad had some substance abuse
problems when we were really little

and then lasted throughout
most of my childhood

from there on.

I remember so many times, growing up,

when I just was so hurt and appalled
by the things that he would do

that I would say, like,

"You might be my father,
but you're not my dad."

And I meant that,

and it must have hit him so much harder

than I could have possibly imagined.

Three years ago, sitting at home
on the couch, watching TV,

and my phone started ringing,

and it was my dad, which was weird,
because he does not call often.

He called me and I thought
we would just have a conversation,

and he's like...

"There's something that I've been
wanting to tell you for a long time

"and I just can't keep it a secret
any more."

He was crying and he said,
"I'm not your real dad."

I don't know, it's so crazy, like...

it really felt like a movie moment.

You've come to believe
one thing your whole life.

It was sort of this flood of realisation.

Every conflict we had had before,

this was something that was probably, like,

this fact was running
in the background for him.

I immediately called my mom.

She was just like,
"I can't believe he told you".

She had been, like, actively trying
to keep this a secret forever.

I think it's actually quite
possible that a massive amount

of our childhood trauma was rooted
in the fact

that they kept this a secret from us.

I think it's a fear
that a lot of parents have

that maybe their kids
will see them as less them,

once they know that their genetics
aren't the same.

My parents, they were told
the best thing for the child

was to never tell them and pretend
that everything was "normal".

They say that the doctors told them not to.

They were worried
that I would feel different.

The most important people in your
early life have been lying to you

about the very nature of your existence

for your entire life.

My eyes are unlike anyone's in my family.

Last year, for Christmas,
I bought myself a genetic test.

I was hoping to find more about,
you know, am I German, am I Irish?

I had no clue that my dad
wasn't my biological father.

My cousin knew, my aunts and uncles
knew, my grandma knew,

my parents knew, my stepmother knew,

my mum's fiancee knew.

I was the only one who didn't know
about my biology.

My life has changed drastically.

I went from being an only child

to talking to one of my siblings now
every single day.

They've really been, like,
the light and the silver lining

to the negative that was this
big secret of my whole life.

Come over here, quickly.

There's a, er, like, a hummingbird.

Look how cute that is.

How are you feeling after yesterday?

I feel like it went a lot better
than I thought it would.

In person, like, I think it went
really well, to be honest.

Just, like, hanging out
and doing nothing, like,

those small things, I think,

really matter a lot more
than I thought they would.

Of all of the siblings, Spencer's
probably one of my top priorities

in terms of who I want
to have a relationship with.

I mean, he's just very, very intelligent,

very, very intellectually stimulating.

I want to open a gateway to perhaps
him thinking about

wanting to have
a closer relationship with me.

These are my best friends.
I've known them for so long.

I told them about you a little bit.
I was, like...

I told them that you're British,
but they're excited to meet you.

You're actually the first
of any of my half-siblings

they've met before. Really?!

Yeah, these are, like, my best
friends, so... I'm honoured!

Yeah.

Hi! Hello. Hey. Nice to meet you.
I'm Tyler.

I'm Oli. Hi. Nice to meet you.

Nice to meet you. I'm Cam.

I'm one of his half-relatives.

Yeah. Wonderful.

Oh, my gosh!

Hi.

Buckskin Stallion Blues by Townes Van Zandt

# I heard her sing in tongues of silver

# I heard her cry on a summer storm

# I loved her, but she did not know it... #

Have you tried any, like, food
places that you've really liked?

Mm... I mean, no, not yet.

We've been, like... OK.

at really trashy, like, sort of
drive-through places, like...

OK. That's the American experience
right there.

# If three and four were seven only

# Where would that leave one and two?

# If love can be and still be lonely

# Where does that leave me and you?

# Time there was and time there will be

# Where does that leave me and you? #

Do you have your own bowling ball?

Yeah. Yeah, he's had that
since sixth grade.

Interesting.

You know, it's good, but then
if I don't bowl for a long time

and then I go bowl
and I have, like, all this gear,

and then I do absolute shit...

I feel like, "Oh..." Posing?

Yeah, like, "Oh, wow, nice!"

On the one hand,
Oli is so socially confident,

but the funny thing about it is
he never really has had, you know,

a friend.

# If I had a flyin' schooner

# I'd sail into the light of day

# If I had your love forever

# Sail into the light of day. #

He never makes very strong
relationships with people.

His relationships are transient.

But now he's getting older,

he wants to make his mark with friendships

and have people who care about him.

I find it really interesting how,
like, temperature affects the sex

of, like, baby turtles
and tortoises and other reptiles.

It does? Yeah, so, like, I can't
remember which way it is, but

depending on the temperature...

Oli's looking for this Eureka connection,

and I think having this perceived
genetic links,

he thinks that there's this shorthand

and he feels that they're
just going to go, "Bam! I get you."

And this gets you a good view...
It does actually.

of the whole courtyard.

Well, I enjoy having a one-on-one
relationship with you, erm...

I think you do piss people off,
and I... I do piss people off!

but like you're saying, I do...
I do try to, like,

stay objective about it.

I get why people get upset with you.

Sometimes I've been upset with you,

but I think your personality
meshes with mine.

Like, the type of conversationalist I am,

I could just go round and round
about a subject for hours,

and, like, not lose stamina about it.

We do have, like, good debates
and, like, conversations.

Yeah, and, like, in that way, like,
that's a personality trait

that we share, that I'm glad we share.

Yeah. How would you describe
your sort of relationship with me,

and, like, is it a sort of brotherly thing,

is it like a more cousin-like...
Yeah... relationship, or...?

I am closer to you than I am to my cousins,

and whenever I'm describing you to people,

I describe you as my brother... Aw!

because...

because you ARE my brother, right?

But, like, growing up with full siblings,

I probably am...

Like, I've already felt the
connection of being full siblings

or being siblings with someone before,

so it's not as novel to me... Yeah.

whereas for you, you're, like,
meeting someone that's a sibling,

and you're, like... Yeah, no,
I do feel like I feel,

like, closer to you than you feel to me.

I think if you probably take
some aspect of any relationship

between two people and then
you compare the feelings

between two people,

it's very unlikely that they're
going to be exactly the same.

So, if you ask me,

do I think that we feel exactly as...

I feel as close to you
as you feel to me, er,

like, probably not, right,

because that's almost never the case.

That's not me saying that... Yeah, I know.

you like me and I'm done with you.
Yeah, I know.

I know.

I think there's actually still
a lot of room for us

to get to know each other more.

It's still something to grow
into, right? Yeah.

And we'll know each other for a long time,

and you think about how much longer...

I mean, we're still so young.

There's a lot of time to grow into
it, still.

Mm. We've only known each other for...

I mean, how long HAVE we known each
other? Less than a year.

I always have wanted, like,
an older brother type figure,

someone who can tell me off
if I'm being inappropriate,

or help me feel better about myself
if I'm feeling a bit down,

and to show that person
that I care about them.

But why an older BROTHER?

Why not, like, an older sister...
I don't know why.

I never thought that I would care
about the gender of anyone

that... of any of the siblings,

and I still feel close to
a lot of the female siblings,

but there's something about
having an older brother specifically

that makes me feel a certain way.

I waited until I was about 45,

which is a little late,

and I went to the doctor to find out

if I was in good physical shape,

and she said I could have a child

but my eggs were not viable,

so I would need donors.

On January 21st 1995...

I had a boy,

and I named him Sterling Alexander Knight,

and he's grown up to be
a wonderful young man.

I used to be very close with Sterling.

My name's Sterling,

and I was the 16th sibling to be found.

The first sibling I ever met in person.

Hello.

What's happening?

We didn't really get, you know,

a video. There's no-one else here,
so... Yeah.

Sterling came to England.

Oh, God, it was amazing.

And Oli was SO thrilled.

I mean, that was the first
time, probably, I'd seen him

really express proper emotions.

And Sterling was AMAZING with Oli.

It was really strange for me to see,
after, you know, my 20-year-old son

for the first time having this
massive connection with someone,

and I think then, when Sterling flew out,

I think that's when Oli just lost it.

He cried and cried and cried and cried,

and he had never... I don't know,

felt something in that way before.

Oh...

I mean, what are the emotions
that you're feeling?

Like, why do YOU get emotional
when you think of that?

Because he's my son, and I've
always wanted, like any mother,

you want your child to, you know,

have connections that are positive

and rewarding and full of depth,

where you really feel something
for somebody, you know,

and that's amazing.

So, yeah.

Oh, my God. We do have similar eyes,
don't we?

Which direction is it facing? You. Oh, OK.

I would not have the camera
this close to my double chin.

All right, well...

The fact that I had
this big brother figure,

you know, I felt so close to him,

and it all sort of just went
to shit, really.

And what caused that turn?

Erm, because I told him
I was checking my eligibility

to be a sperm donor.

I think the big reason for this was
because he has always struggled

and been an outsider all of his life.

Him being chosen by somebody
as a sperm donor,

for them to have their family, would
be the ultimate acceptance for him.

When I told some of the siblings,

the way that they reacted was just...

absolutely unreal.

I was told that the idea of me
donating is offensive

because I have Asperger's.

Why were you particularly upset
with Sterling?

Cos Sterling, you know, at the beginning,

flew down to London to come and see me.

What was it that turned it with Oli?
Was it the sperm donation thing?

I'm actually not sure
if I want to get into that.

He thinks I've lied about having
Asperger's to the bank.

Because I didn't tell them
at the very beginning,

he thought that that was an issue.

The first test they do,

they don't actually require you
to fill out a form beforehand.

They do the freeze test first,

after that they then proceed
to go through your medical history

and so on.

Of course, I would disclose
all of my medical information.

He phrased it as if I've put myself
in this position and it's my fault.

But what do you want from him?

I want him to be my big brother again,

and I want him to look out for me again.

And I want to... And I want to
show him that I care about him.

You have reached the voicemail...

Nope.

I'm just wondering if everything
was OK, you know?

Oh, yeah, don't worry.

I think that he needs a night of rest

and he has to get through that migraine.

Yeah. I don't know what he can
actually do about it,

because they last quite a while. Yeah.

Ooh, that's him!

Hello?

Do you want, like,
soup and painkillers, or...

Let's do it properly.
Let's just do it tomorrow

when you're feeling a bit more
bright-eyed and bushy-tailed.

You have reached the voice mailbox of...

He's now over an hour late.

I'm going to call him on Skype.

Has he said anything back? No.

I've been forwarded to an automated

voice messaging system.

He's on another call, apparently,

and he's not messaged me to let me
know he'll be late

or anything like that.

I miss my relationship with him that I had,

and the time we spent in the UK

was probably one of the most
meaningful weeks of my entire life.

I really enjoyed the relationship
that he wanted to have with me...

and he's just fucked me over.

You OK? No.

So, what's happening?

I don't know.

I don't even want to talk about
it, to be honest.

I'm just really pissed...

I randomly bought three bags
of, like, sandwiches and shit

and was just dropping them off at
random people,

which is... felt like a big
"fuck you" to Sterling.

I don't know why!

Um...

Don't know.

I'm done. I just don't...

To be honest, I just want to get out
and just go somewhere else.

Hope they like it.

What if I've gotten them, like,
a flavour that they... like, a

sandwich they really hate?

Summer Sun by Cari Cari

# Summer sun

# Wash away the troubles

# Summer sun

# Like diamonds in the water

# Let the rain

# The lightning and the thunder

# Ease my pain

# And wash it all away

# Summer sun... #

April 1998.

Um, my ex... That's what we
wanted the sperm donor to look like.

Must be handsome in a cute
way and not with a big jaw.

Oh, my God, who were we? Um...

"Small nose, fine features, well-proportioned,
similar to Brad Pitt, Rob Lowe...

"No migraines or acne."

Choosing the sperm became a minefield.

You know, pages and pages of stuff to us.

# Summer sun... #

Eye colour, height, no photos.

So my parents just went
through and they found

the people that sounded like my dad
on paper and just, I think...

put a finger down and said, "That one."

# ..with your sunshine... #

I still have the catalogue. Like, my
mom kept it and she gave it to me.

It, like, has pencil numbers on
their top five choices,

and I was like,

"Hm, I wonder what I'd have been
like if I'd been from donor number four."

The vials are stored in these big
tanks here and then we ship them

in these little tanks.

How old are these tanks? These tanks?

This tank over here... is probably
about 25 years old, maybe older.

Oh, wow. Could have been the tank
that I was in...

Well... One of these older ones.
..half of me.

Possibly!

Not you...

but a potential to be you.

Here are the frozen vials.

They're labelled with the number of
the donor

and the date that they were
collected. What's the date on that?

November 13, 2008.

How long can you store it for?

Pretty much indefinitely.

We have a limit on the number
of families per donor.

We try to limit all of our
donors to ten families.

Was that the limit in
Daley's case? My donor?

Back then, we weren't as
computerised as we are now...

Right, yeah... so we do have a
handful of donors who went over.

We also have had some donors
who are donors elsewhere.

I think some donors weren't straightforward

and didn't tell us that information

and I think there were periods
of our history where we didn't ask.

Yeah, cos he went to a couple of
sperm banks. Yeah.

Since the record-keeping in the US,
particularly in the '90s,

for cryobanks was so-o-o-o atrocious...

we don't have a definitive number
of how many of us there are,

especially because we're across two
banks and, like, one bank had better

record-keeping than the other.

Because there are so many women and
maybe five guys, six guys...

Uh-huh.

or something, we suspect we have
at least, you know,

another ten or something.

Honestly, we might never know,

just because there are, you know, families

with mothers and fathers that never
intend on telling their children.

It breaks my heart, like, every day.

And I think about it constantly
that there are, like...

siblings out there that I'm never
going to know.

Like, there are people out there
walking around that are my brothers

and sisters that I am never
going to be allowed to know.

And for, like, ethical reasons,
we should be allowed to know

who our siblings are.

A couple people in our group went
to high school together.

Nobody wants to accidentally
date their brother!

We never did!

I, like, typically don't date people
who are, like, under 26

and then... Why? Cos then they could
be a sibling.

We would not have a sibling that's
older than 26,

just based on when Daley donated.

So, Daley would have come in here?

This is one of the collection rooms.

So this is where Daley would
have come. That is... remarkable.

Yeah. Pardon the pun!

Oh, my God!

We have magazines, we also have Wi-Fi,

so most of the donors bring
their own "supplies". Right.

Has that been there since the '90s?

No. Oh, that's not bad-looking.

How does it make you feel that your
life kind of started

with Daley in a small room?

I mean, you didn't have to put
it like that!

You know, you don't have to
put it that way!

Golly, gosh, this is the one we chose!

# When no-one else can understand me... #

I had most of Daley's profile

memorised as a kid cos my mom
still had a hard copy

and that was the only thing I had of his.

# You give me hope and consolation... #

But at that age I wasn't thinking

of him as a singular, tangible person.

He was just kind of
this... like, abstract figure,

this father...

A general gut feeling of loss or
getting sad on Father's Day

cos everyone else had a dad and I didn't.

# That's the wonder

# The wonder of you... #

Your donor had originally
participated as an anonymous donor

and he changed his mind.

And so, when we have a donor who
says he wants to change his mind,

then we reach out to the families
and we let them know.

Spencer and I both had a lot
going on at the time

and we were just like,
"Well, we'll get to it later."

I was working at a restaurant
and I started to notice...

I would be serving a table
and there would be a man

in his mid-40s and I would kind
of like stare at him a little extra.

And I didn't even realise
I was doing it for a while,

and then I was like, "OK, maybe I
really do want to know who this is."

I don't want to have to wonder
forever if every random guy

that passes me on the street
might actually be my dad.

# Your love for me is everything... #

So we met up with him for the first
time with my mom,

cos I was like, "I cannot do this
by myself.

"I need you by my side."
She said, "Yeah, of course."

# You love me as... #

Taking that next step,
actually seeing him face-to-face,

it felt like my whole life
had been leading up to this.

OK.

# The wonder of you. #

My name's Daley and I am part
of a very special family situation.

There was a clinic down the street.

Some attractive young woman
was, like, strolling by and she knew

what the clinic was and saw me
walking in and just

gave me a wink and said,
"I hear they give out free cookies."

Like...

I had this choice - either
be an anonymous donor

or an identity-released donor.

Being at that age, I said anonymous.

What made you change your mind?

McKenzie looked me up,
went through the bank.

They said, "Oh, this person's
anonymous, but we'll reach out

"and ask him anyway."
There was really no question.

How could I deny her that information?

I called the two banks and had them
change me from anonymous

to identity release.

When this whole thing started,
I was aware that there were four.

Four seemed like a big number,
but manageable.

And then it was six.

Then it was eight, then it was ten.

And then it would get bigger.

What does that feel like?

You meet them as adults,
and you're their dad?

How did those first meetings go?

I was shaking, thinking about meeting him.

I just got off, like, a 13-hour
shift, I was, like, all sweaty.

On the one hand, I didn't
want to be too familiar.

Daley is not a parental figure to me

and he's not really a paternal
figure to me.

"Who is this guy? Why is he being so
presumptuous?

"This is not my dad - he didn't raise me."

I honestly think that if he never
came forward or we never found him,

I don't think I would have thought
twice about it.

I also didn't want to be too
distant and have them feel like,

"Why doesn't he want to know me?"
or, "Why doesn't he want

"to be connected to me? Is he
ashamed he of me?" or something.

I was just kind of in awe for,
like, the first hour

and... but just, like... the pure joy.

He was wearing sunglasses,
actually, when I met him.

And then when he took off his
sunglasses, it really hit me

and I was like, "Those are my eyes!"

I mean, I guess, technically,
my eyes are his eyes.

Is it possible to have a
relationship with 26 kids?

Of course it is.

# We belong to something new. #

You know, a lot of people have this
experience when they have kids,

when they have children, right?

You have a newborn baby
and you look at this baby

and you're so overwhelmed with love,
it's just this bottomless pit

of all of your positive emotions
and you can't imagine sharing it

with anyone else.

And then you have another and you
realise, you know, your heart

just cracks up and it gets bigger.

What about Oli?

Uh, Oli, I've really enjoyed meeting Oli.

Oli, I think, has, I would say,
among all of those that have wanted

to come into the group and kind
of get acclimated and...

get into the... group dynamic,

I think he's struggled probably the most.

So, how are you feeling
about seeing Daley again?

I mean, it's complicated.

The first time I met him,
we just didn't connect.

Jesus Christ.
Why does he have to live up a hill?

He says, "Oli, you don't understand
still, you need to learn the tools

"of life to get along with people."

Essentially, what he means by that is,

"You don't have the right to be yourself."

And that's quite hurtful.

I've tried to give some advice here
and there about how to navigate.

I'm not sure he's 100% receptive to advice.

Oliver and I have had
some spirited conversations.

I see my relationship with him
as having room for lots of growth.

What would you say, specifically,
you connect with me on?

We have... You know, I think there's
a lot of family traits.

That... you know, verbal acuity.

There's a lot of no dummies
in the... in the group, right?

Yeah. Anything unique to you and me?

I don't know, Oliver.
I feel like our ability to get to

know one another's been, you know,
it's been in fits and starts.

Yeah. As we've, let's be honest...
I've had... we've had

our struggles in the way some of the
group interactions have gone and...

Mm-hm. How do I figure in your
life these days?

I do feel, like, a closeness to you.

And I do want a healthy
relationship, but...

sometimes it feels like I'm not sort of...

Like I'm sort of insufficient.

No, you've told me that before.
I know. It's not true.

It's not about that. Mm-hm.

And, I mean, I have tried to help
you, side-message you in the middle

of these conversations where things
seem like they're going

off the rails and I recognise that
you may not fully understand

why people are reacting the way they
are. Like, I mean, I'm...

I'm trying, you know?

So, for me, that comes
across as I'm insufficient.

Growing up, I had that constant

message that I wasn't behaving

the way that people needed me to,

and that sort of just drilled
the message in my head

that I'm just not... I'm not normal
and I'm not good enough.

It's contextual.
It's, like, a skill and judgment.

And these are people who I know
better than you do,

cos I've known them for a long time.

And you came into the group
with a whole bunch of women,

a lot of them are... have been in
this space for a long time and...

Mm-hm... are comfortable
talking about certain things.

And you came in and started
using the word "bitch".

To describe a celebrity as a bitch.
To just use the word, right?

Right. And... Because I'm a
guy? ..it created...

No, for anyone.

The girls use it several times...
And it created... This is exactly

what I'm talking about - you're
turning it into identity politics

and a political and a, like,
rational... And you want to talk

about it in those terms.
That's not what it is.

It's just about respect.
No, but the girls use it.

It's not about that.

This is rehashing one of
the very first fights that caused

a lot of alienation.

And I'm telling you again,
it was about respect.

So, I can't use a certain
word because people have

a trauma response when a man uses it?

For me, it's very much more
about intentions.

It's about how...

It's about knowing people and it's
about knowing their intentions...

Years ago, before he was diagnosed
with Asperger's, I thought,

"Well, maybe I'm not strict enough,
maybe I was...", you know.

So I spent a year shouting
at him, you know...

So you think you have more
entitlement to disrespect people

that you know? It's not disrespect.

For people who really know me,
I just want to be myself.

You're asking the entire world
to accommodate just you.

Oh, no, I'm not. So, what... is it?

You can never really get through to
Oli because he'll be thinking

exactly what he thinks
and he won't be able to...

see someone else's point of view.

You can't parent an Asperger's child,

you're there to just buffer them
throughout life.

Any parent, if a third party came
into the picture,

a strange man, who you made a
decision about 20 years ago,

then pops up and has an influence
over your child's life,

that's a difficult pill
to swallow, isn't it?

Cos Daley's Oli's dad. He's not.

To me, a dad is someone who has been
there, kicked a ball, played a part.

A donor is something that is a donation.

It's not a role.

I don't know. It makes me wonder if
there's a way that we...

could have a better relationship.

If it was more just the two of us,
not in the context

of this other family group,

because I'm defensive for everyone.

It'd be nice to have a scenario
where it would be just us,

sort of, in our mutual habitats. You know?

In the most unpleasant of exchanges,
I've said the same thing, right?

Like, I'm not going to write you off.

I mean, he's not my dad
because he didn't raise me.

I think there's potential
for another type of relationship,

like a more uncle-type relationship...

but he can't open his mind

to the fact that, perhaps, I'm quite

a different person to most people.

I think he sort of wants me
to... mould myself

and to be someone I'm not.

It's actually very sad for me
because it means that it's almost

impossible for me to actually
have a close relationship with him.

Ladies and gentlemen, if we could
have your attention one more time,

we'd like to announce...

our home of LA. This is a
city where dreams become reality,

so no matter what your story is or
where your dreams may take you,

there's a place in Los Angeles
just for you.

Well, the meet-up, for me...

You know, it's my family,
so obviously it's...

it's important to me, but...

I don't want to get my expectations up.

Occasionally, when people,
sort of, get to the real me,

they really like it, but more often
than not they don't like it.

And, like, I get... end up being rejected.

So...

it is quite sort of scary.

Um...

I always think, going into a relationship,

"Am I going to do or say something?"

Or "Are they going to get to know me better

"and then back off and reject me?"

I don't know.

There's just been such a consistent
pattern of a lot

of people rejecting me.

What if they're just hanging out
and they just don't want me there?

Like, what if they don't want me?

Oh!

Hello! Hey!

Oh, my gosh, you look amazing!
Hey, what's up?

You guys look fantastic.

Riding in style. Oh, my God!

Oliver! Melissa, hey!

This is like the perfect
setting for a murder mystery.

I need this fire going ASAP.

Whoa, Jesus! Fucking hell!

Why did you turn it off?!

# Holiday, oh, a holiday
And the best one of the year... #

Oh, my gosh! I didn't even think
they were coming!

Oh, my gosh! Yeah!

Hello!

Hello, again.

Yes!

Yes! You're getting owned by your
little brother.

Humiliating, Spencer.

Oh!

Hello!

The siblings that I'm related to,
that I have these really close

relationships to, I chose to have
really close relationships to.

I didn't... It wasn't forced upon
me because we're blood-related.

Who looks...? Who do...?
Like, the three of us...

I think you guys look so much alike. Yeah?

One of the things that irritates me,
someone will be like,

"Oh, I like spicy food."

And then someone else will be like,
"Oh, my God,

"I like spicy food, too. We're so related!

But I'm like, "No, you just both
fucking like spicy food." Like...

Kelly, I haven't talked about boy
things. Lay it on me.

That's my favourite conversation.

I mean, it's amazing that we've all
been brought together by biology,

but at the same time...

you know, I am going to bond
more and hang out more with people

that I actually have things in common with.

Asking the important questions!

It's kind of like two and a half maybe.

I'm going to pop inside for water or
something. OK! Cool!

Wait, so you saw Emily and Hannah?

Yeah. Today?

Kind of. Are they coming? Yeah,
they're coming.

Doing all right?

Anxious, uh... Yeah.

I've always managed Oli's life in
a way where I know

what he can cope with and when he can't.

Where's the loo here? It's like...

A doctor did say to me years and years ago

that Oli will... that the Asperger's

will definitely show up in
emotional states.

Anxious.

And I need something to take the edge off.

Oh, it's been nine hours. Hey!

How are you? Good, how are you?

I'm going to, like, dish out
the rest of these hugs.

Hey!

Fuck's sake.

I love it so much. Oh, my God!

Knock, knock!

Hi! Hey.

Hello!

I didn't know that Jordan
and Sterling hadn't met

until, like, five minutes ago.
Like, it just hasn't happened!

It's like you actually exist now!
I know! Oh, my gosh!

Look at you, you're a real human being!

From a social setting...

it all comes down to his inability
to process what's going

on around him.

And in a heightened emotional
situation where there's

26 other people,

all with their backstories,
all with their feeling, for Oliver,

it's like putting him into a minefield.

There is no way that Oliver
can navigate a situation

like that. Just never going to happen.

What is happening, Oli?

Oli, what's happening?

I can make one wrong move,

say one wrong thing and then I'm
fucked and then everyone's pissed

off with me, so I don't...

But is that true? Yes,
unfortunately. I wish it wasn't.

Should we just try it?

No. It's not something I can just
get into. I'm not in the headspace.

I just... I'm too anxious.
I just need to...

So fucking stressed, honestly.

I get you. Honestly, I think

you're probably overthinking it
to a degree.

A lot of the time, like in the group
chat where you feel

like you need to watch what you're saying,

it's when the content of
conversations is, like,

particularly heavy or, like,
political or something about ethics

or something like that, right?

But, you know, as of right now,

since everything is, like, particularly

light-hearted, I don't think
there's anything you could say.

I didn't realise I'd be this anxious.

I hope I'm not leaning on you too
much and just being annoying and...

No... sort of emotionally draining. No, no.

I mean, I don't want you going
through this whole thing feeling

like you're drowning and you have
no-one to talk to about it.

You know? I want to talk to you about it.

I don't want you to feel like you
can't talk to me

cos you're annoying me or anything,
because that's not the case.

So, yeah, just focus
on the positivity with all

the cool people here
who you... You know. OK.

People have different views about
whether or not you owe someone,

like, your time, based only on the fact

that they're related to you.

But I feel like there is a ton
of potential for really deep

friendships by virtue of the fact
that we are family.

Oli, he started getting really
close with Sterling. Sterling

went and visited him in London.

I suggest to Oli all the time
that he should try

and mend their relationship.

I think he would benefit from it a lot.

I was waiting outside of your house.

Then I stay in the hotel the next
day, and I'm waiting

for you for hours.

You're online. You're having
conversations with people,

ignoring me, ignoring my messages,
my calls,

and not turning up for three hours.
I... That was so hurtful.

I had such a close relationship to
you, and then it really fucking

affected me, Sterling.

I see that you're hurt,
and I understand that.

You fucking hurt me. Oliver, let me talk.

No, you don't care, though!
You think that you're the victim...

I do care. I'm trying to talk to you
about this,

and you're not letting me.

I have a right to be angry with you
after all your shit, Sterling.

You have the right to be angry,

but I also have the right to explain
why I think I distanced

myself from you.

You did something that hurt a lot
of people in this group,

talking about the donation thing.
Tested my own fertility...

And that... because I'm thinking
about potentially, later

down the line, becoming a donor.
But you know that you can't.

Why?

Because you have Asperger's.

Why can't you just fucking
accept me for me?! Because

you don't seem to... What's wrong
with me, Sterling?

Like, I didn't fucking get it!
Because you don't seem to care.

But you've pissed me off sometimes

and I'm happy that you have
the freedom to be you.

I don't want to edit you or change you.

Do you know how many times you've hurt me

and I've just eaten it because
I've tried to let you just be you?

I don't want you to be hurt.

I know that you feel you've had to
budge your entire life.

You've had to shift and move
farther and farther away

from who you feel you are.

But you and your identity
is not your behaviour.

You don't seem to accept
responsibility for your actions.

You don't believe what other people
say, as you think that others'

reactions aren't reasonable.

A lot of them aren't.

They are, though, because that's
what they feel.

I genuinely just don't show
affection in the way

that you want me to, Sterling.

I... It's just not natural to me.

I... I don't know what you want
from me. At this point, I don't...

I don't know either. I...

I know...

I know you look up to me as a big
brother type.

What I imagine, and I can't speak
for you, but what I imagine it looks

like is that you were given this
wonderful opportunity

of all these people that, in a way,
like, you can't change blood.

In a way that these people should
just love me

or should accept me automatically,

and it's been really challenging.

I just want us to be as open with
each other as possible.

I think we should move forward.

But because of the way you spoke

to me about the fertility thing,

I still think I'm going to
be hurt for a while.

I get that. And you know that I...

I'm sorry. I honestly can't.

I don't know why that one thing
is such a point of contention.

I really don't.

His Master's Voice by Monsters of Folk

# Mohammed rolling dice
with Christ at twilight

# And they hear their master's voice

# They run to do their chores

# At Master's calling... #

You know what, I've been in this for
a few years and it took me probably

at least a full year to be able
to move past a little bit

of the pain I think that I felt

when it wasn't maybe

what I expected going into

it initially.

Even though we are related,

this is a random sample of strangers.

The connection comes
from the fact that we are

in a very unique situation.

The bond that we might feel with
the other people in this group

doesn't have to be because we're family.

Genetics is sort of just the door
to relationships

with people, and you don't
necessarily have to

go through it, right? That is a very
good way of putting it. Yeah?

I have come to such a peaceful
spot with the place

that I have in this group, even
though it is distance, not even

necessarily age... I think that
might be the right

sort of path for me as well, to be honest.

There's so much to be gained.

My best friends are in that room.
Yeah. You know?

I don't know who you have interacted
with a lot or a little, but maybe

the people you've hardly talked
to at all are going to end up

being the most important
relationships you've had.

It evolves with time and there
are going to be always

more people coming in this group.
We're never even going to know

if we've found everyone, so
the minute you think

that you maybe have got it,
it might change again.

Coming in new and having just found out...

Sorry, I'm so nervous.

Am I ever going to be 100% ready?

In a way, like, so much is about to change.

Like, a lifetime of connections

is starting now.

Hi! New people, hi! Yes!

Wait, do you know who I am?

Um, I know it. It's Sterling.

It's nice to meet you, finally, officially.

Who is this? I literally don't
know who this person is.

Is she related to me?

Hey! Alysse? Yeah.

I'm so happy to meet you! And you
have the eyes as well. Mm-mm!

Hi! Hi!

It's great to meet you.

Sorry, this is a lot.
All of them and me, too. Yeah.

I mean, welcome to the circus.

It's funny, I was asked the other day,

"Well, you must just mix them up
all the time because there's

so many. Like, confuse who lives
where and..."

I was like, "No, actually, not at all."

This kind of information sticks
on a totally different level.

It's not in the same league as
friends or acquaintances.

They are family ties.

I've been following her on Facebook.

Pretty intently. This is something
that doesn't go away.

We're genetically related.

Oh, yeah, baby smell!

They're family to me. That's how
I engage with them.

That's how I treat them.
That's how I feel about them.

Are you going to try and go up
further? Yeah, just one more.

So silly. I don't know how Hannah is
higher than Spencer.

Why? Because I'm a girl!
You got up there so fast!

We're going to need to talk about feminism!

Aw, there's a family tree
metaphor in there somewhere.

You just have to sit, like, at the bottom.

That's right. That'd be really
funny. Can we make that happen?

I will. I'll come stand underneath
it to get a quick picture.

Sterling, can you help wrangle
him for a second, so he doesn't...?

Hey, Oliver! Oliver.

Will you take a picture?

Yeah.

Can you please not kill yourselves?

Are you getting Daley in it, too?

No, I think the idea is to come down
here. I'm going to do him as well.

No, but to get all of us in
the shot, cos it's a family tree

metaphor. Oh, right, OK, I got it!

Say 26 of us have two kids.

That's 50 kids, plus 20 sets,

like a 75-person family reunion.

Do you think I'll break this if
I try to walk down on it?

The family tree will become so
extensive, like our kids' kids'

kids in the future, like, if they
want to get into genealogy,

it's going to be a mess.

It's going to be a mess for them.

Like...

As people start having kids
and stuff and getting married,

like, when people continue to be
there through, like, these

huge life events, I think that it's
just going to make us closer.

I don't know how I'm going to
handle bridesmaids,

because I can't include everyone.

But where do I cut it off?

Once we all have kids, if we want to
do this, like, we're going to

have to, like, rent out a whole
summer camp and, like, everyone will

be in cabins, we're going to have,
like, activities scheduled.

Unpopular opinion. I'm not getting
all these kids birthday presents.

I'm sorry. There's too many of you.

No, I'm not even going to remember
their names.

I don't even remember all my
half-siblings' names!

Every once in a while I, like, stop
and, like, sit back and think

how, like, truly...

amazing everything is. Like,
how the last ten years...

Like, what would my life be like if
I hadn't found siblings?

I just... They're always going to
be there. Like, I have no sense

of rush. And no-one's going to judge
anyone for how fast or slow

they feel like going.

Well, OK, so you're orangey,
and then Carolyn's

going to be over there. Maybe, like...

Well, Oli's 20. I'm 22.
You know, in ten years

we'll be in our early thirties.

There's still so much time.
I care about Oli,

and I want for him to be happy,
and I want what's best for him.

And I'm going to stick around, right?

OK. Everyone, here we go. Let's do it!

Tree, two, one. Smile!

One, two, three, Sperm Man!

Right up into your face!
I'm not in the photo.

Yeah, we're not in this photo at all.

Yeah. I mean, it's over now.

I'm so grateful for the fact that
I even have one relationship

with a sibling.

The idea that I could have, like,
four or five is just insane,

and I'm going to pursue one-on-one
relationships,

but I can't be involved
in the group dynamic again.

It's too stressful for me.

Are you going to change, Ols?

What would I change into?

What would I do? What will I change into?

What is there for me to change into?

Tell me.

The answer is that I can't expect
people to see me a certain way.

I can't expect everyone to see me for me.

I can't expect everyone to not require

that I behave like a different person.

I can't expect that from people.

I think just through me being me,
there are people

that won't like me...

and I think that's OK.

All This Love by Angus & Julia Stone

# You find the way there
and I will never ask

# I will follow you

# I will follow you

# You be the night sky
and I will be the stars

# I will follow you

# I will follow you

# There's all this love if you need it

# There's all this love if you need it

# There's all this love if you need it

# There's all this love if you need it

# Yeah... #