2001: A Space Travesty (2000) - full transcript

It began as a singularity,

the entire universe compressed
into a space the size of a proton.

Then the Big Bang...

blew it apart.

Matter, converted from energy,
swirled and compressed itself into stars

Red Giants...

and tiny white dwarfs.

Stars congealed into galaxies.

Massive nebulae
and timeless spiral clusters,

spinning faster and faster
into the endless void.

Black holes arose, swallowing matter.



Constellations filled the night sky.

Libra...

Stifficus.

Planets took form.

Moons arose...

Atoms formed molecules,
then molecules formed life

throughout the universe...

Alien creatures, hideous in form.

The earth took form.

Then God appeared.

And Gods voice was heard.

Shut up you stupid monkey...

And then a single celled organism

evolved into the highest form
of intellect known to God...



MAN.

It was one of those days you
never forget. I'd arrested Osmond Bin Laden

at a Lakers-Knicks game. Now I was back
in D. C. on the QT making my way asap

to the HQ when I heard the APB:
-All available units to big joes,

hostage situation, armed terrorists.

The police needed my negotiating skills,
perfected by years of volunteer service

with the pet rescue division. Coaxing cats
out of trees and gerbils out of holes,

made you smart about a lot of things.

This is the Washington police force.
There is no way out.

You have five minutes to give
yourselves up, and counting.

You're surrounded!
Throw down your arms! Now!

Come out! We've got ya!
-Yeah? And we've got burgers

and hostages and fries...
-I'm ordering you to give yourselves up!

And I'm ordering one car and one plane.

One plain what?
-One plain plane. With pilot.

I want those hostages! Now!
-One hostage coming up!

Those hostages were my new gerbils.
They needed marshal Dick Dix to free them.

Shit!

Dix! This is police business!
You have no jurisdiction here!

Now get lost!

Alright!

Well...

Let's play a little game of
Simon says, good...

Simon says: Get your hands on your
head and line up in front of me here...

hurry it up!

Let's go.

What are you? A bunch of fanatics?
You hate this county, you're mad

just because we don't play soccer here?
-But Mr. Simon, we are the hostages.

Who do you think you're talking to?
A dummy? These hard-working immigrants

are the backbone of this country!
They put the damn on the hover,

they put the railroad ties
over the great divine

and they did it with a smile buddy.
They weren't mad at anybody.

No. Don't lower yourselves to their level.
I'll take care of this.

I'll seek to it that they get a fair trial
and then we'll strung them up.

Fire the tear gas!

I'm gonna kill him! Dix!

Dix!

Let's get one thing clear.
This situation was not created by the police

but it was created by people
who are getting in the way of the police.

The police aren't there to create disorder.
The police are here to protect disorder.

You come back here!

There's nothing better
than a job delicately handled,

but now it was a time to meet
the big boss Secretary Osgood.

I loved my job.
Every day was different.

Every assignment was different. Everything
about the department was different.

Enough, enough, stop, stop.
-This is not respectful for the deceased.

To the untrained eye, this looked like
the normal bullpit of any old precinct.

But hidden deep within the bowels of this
house grave matters of state were at play.

Dix, come on in. Good to see you, my boy.
-Good to see you Mr. Secretary.

This is Cassandra Menage, Executive Officer
on Vegan. -How do you do?

She is in charge of Human and Alien affairs.
-Some kind of dating service?

She oversees our sensitive Alien operations!
-Well there's nothing sensitive about them.

All you need is to tighten up the borders.
-Dix, I'm talking about alien Aliens.

Alien, aliens.
You mean like from outer space?

Yes, Vegan is a lunar base,
just like Area 51, but shielded

from Earth by a reflective bubble,
and there are plenty of Aliens there.

Cassandra files classified reports
to the various international governments.

This latest one she delivered it in person.
If what she says is true,

the future of the planet is at stake.
-Now that could be serious.

I know it smells funny, but the President
of the United States has been kidnapped

and is being held captive on Vegan.
The man in the White House is a clone.

Just a minute, it says here the man
in the White House is a clown.

Clone.

Clone. That's what it says here.
-Yeah, I know. That's my report...

This isn't a joke, Dix.
-I know that Sir, but I saw the President

on television the other night.
-That wasn't the President.

She's right. We're all set for
Memory Recapture. Have a seat Marshal.

Cassandra, your brainwaves
will be transmitted to the screen,

so we'll be able to see
exactly what you saw and heard.

When you're ready,
I want you to tell us what happened.

Close your eyes,
relax and let your unconscious take over.

Let your mind go blank.

Dix.

Dix!

You need to watch the screen.

I'd gone to the Vegan mines to investigate
a grievance by one of the miners...

After a lot of turns and twists,
I realized I was completely lost.

My way was blocked by a cave-in.
Then I noticed light coming through

a crack in the wall.
I moved forward and found myself in a room

overlooking some kind of operating theatre.

A man was talking in an alien dialect,
so I switched the Auto-Trans to English

to see if I could recognize his voice,

but I couldn't.
-I will get that sillicon for you

if you will make me
leader of the new world.

By using DNA building blocks
I will create clones

of existing world leaders
who will follow our orders.

Activate the cloning machine,

and now for our latest clone creation.

A world leader admired by all.

And there he was, Groucho Marx.
But what happen next

was more frightening still.
-In Washington, the man in power,

the President, is a clone... our clone.
Now, let me...

introduce you to his predecessor,
the real President of the United States!

Now we got cloning control,
we will take your earth

and all it's silicon too,
then its hasta la vista.

Bastards!

And that's when I ran, as fast as I could.
-They took the President,

took his DNA and put an impostor
in the White House. Kidnapping,

robbery, and fraud. Breaking the law.
-Dix, I want you to go to Vegan

to make a routine inspection.
I'll arrange the clearances.

If the President is there,
find him and bring him back.

The implications here are very grave.
Any mistakes, even fumbles,

will be denied at this end.
You're acting on your own.

And when you both meet again on Vegan,
you've never seen each other before.

I've forgotten already.
-It'll take me longer than that...

Oh... that's so nice.
-Oh, thank you,

I always had a good memory, even as a boy.
-Well, Marshal.

Miss...
-Menage.

If you don't stop pulling your thing,
you're going to go blind, Richard!

But I like pulling on it, Mum!

Your son is rapidly loosing his sight.
And we don't know why, Ms. Dix.

Mum, meet my new girl friend.

Richard, you have to wear your glasses.

I have the outer most faith in you,
Marshal Dix, have a good flight.

Thank you Mr. Secretary,
but I think this must be broken.

I didn't have a lot of time.
I had to catch a plane to cape Kennedy,

then the shuttle to Vegan
and avoid any pressing delays.

The department was gonna to have to dive
in at the deep end,

because I was headed for the moon to maybe
save the President of the United States.

This should help beam me up.
I've got to get back to my ship.

Scotty, Bones, Mr. Spock,
where the hell are you?

Secretary Osgood was right when he told
me there were plenty of aliens on Vegan.

But he had forgotten
to tell me how butt ugly they were.

They were ugly from any direction.

The rules: Smuggling or assisting any Alien
back to Earth means immediate imprisonment.

Open your bag, please.
-Yo, is that Marshal Dix? It's ok.

He's police. Lieutenant Shitzu,
Vegan Security. Misswick. -Miss who?

Misswick. M. S. W. I. C.
Mother-Sucker-who's-in-charge.

Is this your bag?

I'm writing a book...
-Welcome to Vegan, Marshal Dix...

That's right isn't it?
Dix... as in more-than-one-dick?

Good to be someplace where your feet
will do what you tell them to do...

Attention! Sensors detected
an alien hiding in a human life-form.

Move down!

What's going on?
-That fool's a conversion.

Do you need holy water for that?
-When these brothers first came here,

we didn't know about their plan to use
conversions to take over the Earth.

Lucky for us, all our asses were saved,
due to the sounds of our modern life:

Arcade, TV, rap, hip-hop.
All that irritatin' shit.

High-pitch sound
makes these suckers explode.

Close the lid, babboom!

Good. Fangullo.

Mi scusi, mi dispiace.
I am capitain Valentino Di Pasquale.

I don't speak Alien.
-He ain't kickin' no jive-ass Alien lingo!

He jes' tryin' to show some love!
-What?

Mi dipacia, diabola. He try to speak-a
inna piccolo Ebonico. -Pickle what?

No disrespect, y'all up in this ice cream
and you don't even know the flavour!

You think he don't understand plain Inglish?

Please, my father was from Brooklolino...
-Yo man, did years in Vegas babe,

who can take the sun, yea.
Right back babe, yea.

That guy is right, Marshal,
this way, this way. Andiamo!

Our operation and research director,
Dr Pratt, will show you around.

The base commander couldn't be hear,
cuz' he's out playing golf.

Everything is alright!

Good, that means that nothing works.
-But he did ask me to escort you

to a reception here tonight.

Yeah, one stronzo alien less.

Dr Pratt?

Dr Pratt!

Yes, Lieutenant?
-Oh, you scared me again, you got me.

You keep on getting me each time,
I tell you. This is Marshal Dix.

Ah, yes, right on time.
I'll never understand these inspections.

What are we looking for this time?
-Routine...

Perhaps you may be interested
in my pi?ce de resistance.

Piece of what?
-A scale replica of the entire complex.

Here's the entrance to the mines...
the administration complex...

the spaceport... all the details...
Now... We are... here.

No, no, no, don't touch.
Its very delicate.

Doctor, the next time you're on Earth,
I'll show you

the Piper Club model I made.
-I'd certainly look forward to that.

Here's the report, Doctor Pratt.
-Thank you, gentlemen, my assistant,

Yetta Pussel.
-Gentlemen...

I took the liberty of requesting a copy
of the last routine inspection.

Now, all our research is carried out here.

Our study of silicon, for example.
Abundant on Earth, non-existent

on many other planets. For most Aliens
it's life supporting, like food to us.

Hence our ongoing conflict with them
and our tight security here.

Works real good on the old Johnson.
-Johnson... President Johnson?

There are no Presidents on Vegan.
I'm afraid we're being battered

by a mistaken sense of humor.
-Alright, my main man Marshal Dix.

Okay?
-Dr Uschi K?nstler,

Senior Base Science Officer.
-Doctor?

Yes. Of psychology,
parapsychology and solar proctology...

I also supervise genetic replication...

Clones.
-Are those clones?

No just plain old-fashioned rabbits.
But we've made major advances with sheep.

Molly for instance, was created only
yesterday, the exact age and likeness

of Dolly, her mother-in-law.
-Can you do that with human beings?

No, that is not allowed.
-It's strictly against international policy.

I should hope so.
It's against my policy, too.

I was in the Marines.
-Careful, that's the rapid-cloning switch.

You tamper with that,
and we'd be overrun

with all kinds of animals.
-The officer of Human Alien Affairs,

Miss Menage, will show you your quarters.
-I'm headed in that direction.

Maybe, the Marshal and I
can go down together and meet her.

I just met him. Yes, from what I can see,
he'll be absolutely fine...

Welcome to Vegan, Marshal Dix...
-I'm glad to be here.

Oh, the very person we wanted to see.
This is Marshal Dix.

Oh!

He is...

he is... here...

on a routine inspection.

Yes, I can see that...

Menage. Cassandra Menage.

The Marshal...

needs to be accommodated.
Marshal, you can...

let me down now.

Perhaps you can take care of his needs.

Does he have any needs left
to be taken care of?

Well, it was nice meeting you Marshal Dix.
-Thank you, me too.

Marshal, if you please.
I had checked into the room

I'd be sharing with Capitaine Di Pasquale.
Unpacked my stuff

and then sent Cassandra off to the library
to look for plans that might lead us

to the location of the cloning lab.
And now on with the dead crime-motive sketch

to the alien I had seen
on Osgood's recapture screen.

I was ready for a little lunar socializing
and snooping. Hey! What are you doing?

I'm your escort, I'm keeping tabs on you.
-Take your hand out of my pocket.

Keep tabs on somebody else.
-Hey champagne.

Apparently, some of these aliens
learned English by monitoring movies

on our tv transmission satellites.
They all sounded like Hollywood actors.

Even here everyone wants to be a star.
-I saw the Alien that was in the caves.

Yes, me too...

Two?
-Yea?

Ah, Marshal Dix, there you are.
-How do you do?

Commander Sir Cecil Humphrey Wickernuts.
My wife, Oona Hottenlocker-Wickernuts.

So you're from Washington.
I hope you'll put in a good word for us.

What's that?
-I found it on the floor.

Ah, it's Grop...
no, no, no it's Prong, yes... no...

You know what they say.
They all look alike.

We're throwing a party
tomorrow at the club. Do join us.

Miss Menage here will be singing, too.
-What a voice she has! True nightingale...

Thank you.
-Miss Menage,

enchant?. Excuse us, won't you.
There's something I'd like you to look at.

Excuse me.
-Of course.

So, Marshal Dix,
you gonna be my new roomate?

Molto bene, you see this is a good way

to know where your food has been first.

Excuse me.
-Please.

I thought you'd like to hear how your
Alien Courtesy Center's coming along.

It was your idea, you may remember.
Perhaps you'd like to come

and see my renderings.
-I'd be happy to...

All erections on Vegan are
rubber stamped by me, you know.

That must keep you busy...

Hey there, you ever done it monkey style.

Too bad, could have been a hairy ride.

Oh my God, my dress!

Do like, the music?

I love the sound of the flute.

Doctor Pratt, is this is yours...

Where did you get that?
-Fell on the floor.

Thank you...

Come this way.

Let's sit here shall we.
Miss Menage...

Waiter.

Excuse me.

I don't think these false
eyelashes become you.

Bon appetit.
-Merci.

Excuse me, Doctor Pratt, Captain Pasquale
is going to take me back to the apartment

in a few minutes, you can reach me there,
if you need me. Good night.

Good night, Dix.

Excuse me.
-Yeah.

Thanks. I thought I'd never get rid of him.
-Leave now, before he gets back.

Okay, I'll go. Thanks.

Miss Menage has gone back to her apartment.
She's got a headache.

Really, well, that's too bad.
-Oh, yes, real bad.

It is important in life to have two boxes.
One for food, and only one for fun.

As you can see, I am not only
a master of the buffet, I am a master...

of disguise. All kinds: look.

What?
-Oh, the final touch.

Now you don't gonna to believe your eyes.
Look my special magic maker.

You like it.
-Ah, very good. -I know.

Oh, sorry. Let me un-zip your face.

Oh, the telephone.

-Yes. -I'm at Pratt's. It's all clear.
-I got over there

faster than a speeding bullet,
if you know what I mean.

If any plans existed that could lead us to
the human cloning lab and the president,

I was sure this is were they would be.

My job was to get in get the plans

and get out as quickly
and as quietly as possible.

Cassandra, I'm in.
-Roger.

It's all clear down here.

Oh...

I saw lights flashing in your office.
And somebody was dancing the can-can.

Right. Let's have a look, shall we?

It's Pratt.
-I'm coming. I'm on my way.

What kind of man
would do something like that?

I know exactly what kind, Doctor K?nstler.

And I promise you,
he going to pay dearly for this...

very dearly.

Who is it?
-This is Dr Pratt.

I want a few words with you, Marshal.
-Yes.

I don't have all day, Dix.
Just open the door, will you?

I'll be a moment, Doctor Pratt.

Open the door!
-Just putting on my trousers,

just putting on my trousers.

Ah, just cleaning yourself up,
are you Marshal?

You are shaving, aren't you?
-Yes, I shave my whole face.

My wiskars grow pretty fast. I start
very early when have important function

to attend to, like the one this evening.
Come in, come in.

Oh, good to see you.
-Let go of my hand Dix!

What are you doing? You fool, let go of me.
What are you doing to me?

Look at me. What are you doing.
Dix you imbicile, stop it!

There is something I want you to know...
I know who you are

and I know why you're here...
But you will never going to find him!

The man behind the whole thing is
Dr Griffen Pratt. He has told me

he got the President prisoner,
even challenged me to go find him.

He's as guilty as jam lips
kissing a fruit tart. -Pratt.

We have to be very careful.
-Yea.

I'm going to change now.
See you later.

I think I'll skip this one.

You and Shitzu, keep an eye on Dr Pratt.
-Ok.

Please, Marshal Dix wants us to keep
an eye on Dr Pratt. Capito! Micione.

Pratt? Why doctor Pratt.
-I don't know.

But I do know what I better do right now.

Excuse me. Oh, what a line.

Your Majesties and Humble Beings.
Let's hear a warm Vegan welcome

for our star attraction:
Miss Cassandra Menage!

I didn't think anyone
could take my mind off of Pratt,

but suddenly there she was:
On stage,

a woman who could take
anyone's mind off of anything.

She had deep nurturing instincts and
strong family things that make her

an ideal mother for an child.
Cassandra was a nightingale.

The old saying,
wet birds never fly at night,

I think she could fly anytime
she wanted to.

There he was, Dr Griffin Pratt.
A man who could ruin

anyone's wet dream.
Suave, cool with all the moves

of a slick ballroom dancer.

It was time for Dr Pratt
to find out that he'd met his match,

his intellectual equal.
I was about to arrange that introduction.

Doctor Pratt... you said to me,
I know why you're here

and I know what you want. We'll there's
something I want you to know, so do I.

So do I?
-Yes, know why I'm here, know what I want.

We stand here facing each other
like Chief Ten Bears and Josey Wales.

Chief Ten Bears?
-He would say, There is iron in your words

that you know, as there is iron in my words
that I know. As there's iron in the words

that your living that you don't know it.
Turn back to Ten Bears before it's too late.

Chief Ten...?
-Ten Bears.

And the other one? -Josey Wales.
Who is he?

Clint Eastwood.
-Clint Eastwood...

you are a very convincing thinker, Marshal.
Let me get back to you. On this one.

Out of order, it's thirty minutes
I've been waiting here.

You man stand clear, stand clear.
-What is it? Another Alien Conversion?

Close enough...

What's the celebration about?
-You'd be giggy too, bro,

if you only dumped once a year.
-Where's Pasquale.

I hate aliens.

Why do they have eat fama beans, fangulo?

Okay fellas, now come on,
you've been over-served here.

Marshal, Marshal.
-Yes.

I have to speak to you.
-Is this some kind of performance?

He's a cyborg, it happens all the time,
I'll to put him back together tomorrow,

he's going to be just fine.
Come on, I need to talk to you.

Make yourself at home.
I'm gonna be right back.

Hello.

Something's going on.

I don't know who's behind it.
I don't know what they're doing,

or why they're doing it.
All I know is, I know,

I want you to know.

Well, I'm glad you told me.
-Marshal, I know exactly why you're here.

I can help you,

but therefore you have to trust me.

Did you know that a male lion

can mate forty-five times in three hours?

I don't have a lion.
I don't even have a dog.

One of the advantages of working undercover,
was that sometimes things got uncovered

that you didn't expect to get uncovered,
and you learned about things

that you didn't expect to learn about.
Whatever Dr Kunstler was trying to hide,

she sure wasn't doing a very good job.
-Anything you mind, Dick?

No, I'm not even thinking.

Doctor K?nstler! Get a grip!

That does it, it's time you went home.
-I am at home.

It's time I went home.
-Stay...

Don't you want to find out the rest?
-No, the stuff about the lion,

that was good enough for me.

There you are! At last you come!

My God, is that all you people
do up here in the evenings?

It is good for the lip, Marshal,
a nice, sweet, warm decaf,

non-fat latte,
a touch of mocha, no foam.

Do you want some?
-No, thank you.

I came by to see how Valentino was doing
after that dreadful thing at the club.

Pretty bad, huh?
-I also told him

about the President being a prisoner.
We need all the assistance we can get.

Yeah, but...
-The elephant is sitting on my lips.

I say nothing to Lieutenant Shitzu.
-I saw you leave the club with Dr K?nstler.

What happened?
-Oh... nothing!

Strange young lady.
Another wild goose chase.

I don't know about the wild goose, but the
chase looks like it was very exciting.

No, it is a little cold in here,
I think I'll have some of that hot coffee.

My God! Someones' stolen my zipper!

I thought I said no contact.
-I know sir.

But I am now convinced the President
is here and is being held prisoner.

The man behind it is Doctor Griffin Pratt.
-Are you sure? -I'm positive.

Send in the Galactic National Guard.
-Who is it?

No! That would sign
the President's death warrant.

You must handle this with Miss Menage.
Confront Pratt, threaten him, anything.

But work fast. The President's life
is at stake, to say nothing of our planet.

What this impostor will say at conference
in Paris on Friday, God only knows.

Momento. Don't you think for a minute
that Marshal Dix is doing nothing up here.

He's dealing with one of the most important
man of the American government.

This guy, lives in a big white house,
but I can't tell you who is him.

Cassandra?

Cassandra?

Wait a minute, you mean the President
is a prisoner here on Vegan?

How did you know?
-You just told us, man.

-Ah, fangulu, I did not. -Yes you did!
-I did? -Yes.

Doctor Griffin Pratt.
-I hope you don't think there's anything

you've missed the other night, Marshal.
-Just one thing, you, you're under arrest,

you have the right to remain silent...
-Before you say another word,

there's something I want you to know.
I was ordered to reconstitute the President.

Reconstitute? What does that mean?
-First...

drain all his body fluids...
-What's that? Some sort of enema?

No, no, no, drain all his blood.
Then reconstitute it into refined plasma,

ready to activate, the clone.
-Well... wouldn't that kill him?

Most certainly. -I thought so.
The thought of killing the President

has kept me up all night.
Well, to be perfectly honest,

I may have dozen off,
so at least half the night.

I don't know how I let this happen.
I feel like I was drugged or brain-washed

or whatever they did to me.
But your words about Chief Ten Bears

and Josey Eastwood... -Clint Eastwood.
Eastwood...

brought me to my senses
and I must undo the damage I've done!

I want to take you to the President and
help you get him out of here. But fast.

Faster than you think.
I just came from Cassandra's apartment.

She's been kidnapped.
-Kidnapped? Abducted?

Up till now it's a simple kidnapping.
She left a note on her door in glue.

See it says Help,
spelled backwards, H.E.L.P.

We'd better get moving. There may be
two lives we have to save.

This is the easiest way
to get to the President.

But don't touch that button.

Follow me...