1 1/2 Ritter - Auf der Suche nach der hinreißenden Herzelinde (2008) - full transcript
There isn't even a year between this and the release of Til Schweiger's previous film, "Keinohrhasen" ("Rabbit without Ears"). Thankfully, he didn't write the script this time around, so in the ever-growing Schweiger canon this film stands out: Instead of making a romantic comedy about an irresponsible manchild who learns to commit to a meaningful relationship by the end, this one is a broad medieval comedy. It has therefore more in common with similar German period spoof films, like the "7 Zwerge" ("7 dwarfs") movies or the earlier films by Michael Herbig, although none of these are set in medieval times. A big advantage of Schweiger giving screenwriting duties to other people is the fact that he plays a different character than in all his other movies. His stale performance in "Keinohrhasen" didn't convince me of his acting talent, but I found him rather enjoyable here. He is still sloppily mumbling through his lines and his face muscles rarely move, but put a silly wig on him and write him as somewhat socially awkward, and you can make his role kind of funny and refreshing. All the other players in this movie, most of them television personalities rather than actors, don't venture out of their comfort zone, and are therefore not as refreshing. The casting of Thomas Gottschalk as King Gunther is technically spot-on, but unfortunately Gottschalk takes his role far too seriously. Same for Udo Kier. The only genuinely good performance comes from Rick Kavanian, but that doesn't mean he made me laugh. That's because the script is painfully unfunny. Some of the comedy bits are lifted from better films, and stupid pseudo-gags are extended way beyond what is appropriate. Which might be the reason behind the long running time. There is no justification for this movie being almost two hours long, it just makes its glaring writing and pacing issues even more apparent. Many movies like this feature some anachronistic jokes, which often makes it hard for me to develop some interest or belief in their fictional worlds, but those jokes are often reserved for quick one liners, and since these films are typically quite fast-paced, they don't take me out of the story. In "1 1/2 Ritter," however, the pacing is painfully slow, so there is nothing to compensate for all the jokes that don't land or take you out of the movie. The performances, as described above, are very low-energy, so even they don't compensate for the lack of genuine comedy writing. Compare this to the movies I listed as comparisons above (which, mind, are no masterpieces either). As a director, Schweiger is clearly out of his depth directing action scenes. A movie like this doesn't need good action because, unlike most historical dramas, the story doesn't require extended fight scenes, but that didn't stop Schweiger from including them anyway. And because he apparently couldn't afford a stunt double to perform some good choreography, all of them consist of rapidly edited close-ups of Schweiger going "hrrrng!" and violently punching his enemies. As for improvements: At least the pictures in the film have a little more colour in them than in "Keinohrhasen," the camera work in general is pretty good, and the soundtrack is well-placed and might even be listenable if you listen to it independent from the movie.
Count Luipold is a wealthy lord,
Iook here, see what he can afford.
These warriors, 14 strong men,
will bring him victory time and again.
We're 9 points behind. It's a rout.
We want to see you win,
so Gunther's folk take it on the chin.
King Gunther is gazing down
upon his best knight.
King Gunther is very proud,
not only of his knights,
but especially of his manner.
Lanze the knight
is my daughter's bodyguard.
A good man.
- Not for long. - We'll see.
Lanze the knight bows.
Is his fate now sealed?
He's brave, but he has no chance.
That's his problem. What's he
doing now? The man's delusional!
He challenges 10 men, a battle royale.
You're right,
but if he defeats these 10 opponents,
he could actually swing a victory.
It's started! His opponents attack.
They want to destroy him right away.
An unbelievable battle! A head butt!
And he managed to hit him!
The cheerleaders are ecstatic!
What a performance by Lanze!
I can't believe my eyes! Another point.
He's done for.
- It's looking good for the home team.
A sword blow! And his opponent
is flying through the air.
A knock-up! Here's his chance.
Big Boot! He's busted him up!
And another well-aimed move!
Yeah, Lanze. I want your child.
- Me too.
A corkscrew moonsault!
The next blow.
But he's lost his sword!
He's got it. He takes it,
and a double-extended blow.
Lanze is really getting up steam!
- But now he's down.
What will happen now?
Will he get to his feet again?
Yes! A roundhouse fist.
- An unbelievable technique!
It's not over yet for Lanze!
The atmosphere here is amazing.
Anhalt is catching up.
Only five more points!
Lanze the knight takes a swing
and strikes again. A sword blow!
Now he's switching hands!
What a shot!
It's going to be an upset!
Absolutely! One more axe blow,
and his contender lands in the dirt.
With an elbow, too!
What an incredible performance!
He stumbles,
but he's still on his feet.
Lanze is pushing hard!
It's almost a tie. There it is!
Unbelievable!
One more point for the win!
Lanze is demolishing his opponents!
And that's the deciding blow!
Anhalt has won! - lncredible!
So, was I exaggerating?
Knight Lanze has won this tournament
for his kingdom, for King Gunther.
What a sensation!
Look how he's gazing at Herzelinde.
They'd make a nice couple. - No, he's
Herzelinde's guard. A royal servant.
Don't be old-fashioned!
Just because he's a knight
and she's a princess?
I think it'd be lovely.
You should emigrate,
or I'll always be the no. 2 swordsman.
I...
thought you were great out there.
I...
Yes...
Yes, what?
Yeah...
Now I've forgotten.
It's... it's no big deal.
You sing wonderfully.
- What? My voice is terrible.
No, you sing wonderfully.
Thank you.
We could sing together.
- That's impossible.
I'm on duty.
There's no one here.
And what about the servant maids?
I can send them away.
- Princess, don't do this to me.
The castle would collapse
if I were to sing.
We'll see then.
Hark, ladies.
Count Luipold Trumpf,
Prince Gustav and
our beloved King Gunther.
The King of kings,
the mightiest of them all.
Herzelinde, I have...
- The most merciful of them all.
Princess...
- The wisest of them all.
You! Shut up!
I'm just doing my job, your Majesty.
Herold, do you want to end up
in the dungeon again? - Why?
Herzelinde,
I've got great news for you.
Luipold Trumpf has just announced
that he wishes to ask for your hand.
And he brought
a nice engagement present.
Oh, I think we have a little problem.
I own this castle already.
It's my holiday home.
But why did you need to sell it, King?
That's the problem. I didn't sell it.
You were conned.
I can't believe it.
Here I am, with empty hands.
No matter.
It's the thought that counts.
And the good news is that...
he's asked for your hand. So I'll hold
a feast on Sunday. What do you say?
What do I say?
Shit!
Pinch me, Daddy.
- But why, my child?
I won't marry him.
You can forget it entirely.
I'm not for sale, Count Luipold Trumpf.
I'm not a title of nobility.
I'll never marry that creep!
He's four times my age!
Yes, mature men are certainly...
"Mature", Daddy?
Take a look at him!
He's a zombie!
Well, are you still living
in that wretched castle?
You'll learn to love
Castle Trumpf yet, Princess.
She's very...
shy.
I'll fix it.
Herzelinde, wait a minute.
Stuff your stupid feast too!
New Kids on the Block are playing
their only concert, the best one ever.
They were from my day!
They broke up 15 years ago.
Daddy, you're out of touch!
They re-formed.
Really? How cool!
- Yeah.
In North America, tickets sold out
in 4 hours. - Wow, in 4 hours?
Radical, huh?
- Gigantic.
It'd be cool if you'd get me tickets.
- Sure.
If the gracious King permits me.
Awesome.
You can forget about the concert,
I tell you!
Oh, Lanze.
Being a single-parent king isn't
what it used to be. I'm fed up with it.
Herzelinde's as stubborn as her mom was.
And I'm being pulled every which way.
The press is slating me,
and mobs are taking to the streets
demanding an 80-hour working week!
And this crown itches. Hold it.
Well? Is it straight?
- As always, my King.
Is the gem in front?
- It is.
My lord, does it have to be
an arranged marriage?
What else?
A marriage of love.
- A marriage of love? Lanze!
What century are you living in?
I'd be a laughing stock.
My coffers are empty, and Count
Luipold is the richest man around.
Maybe she'll realize tonight
that he's a nice guy.
She probably can't decide
what to wear. Women!
Your Majesty,
the princess is indisposed.
I've been told that she's indisposed.
- lndisposed?
Yes, such an odd medieval word.
"lndisposed".
So what do you propose to do?
- Me?
I'm going to finish eating my steak.
I meant, what do you propose
to do with Herzelinde?
I understood you.
But if you think I'll force her
to dine with us, you're mistaken.
It seems our views on good breeding
differ, my Lord.
Apparently. But I'm the host
and you're my guest,
so I shall finish my steak in peace.
If I wanted to, I could buy
the entire kingdom right now,
including this castle
and everything within it.
Then I'd be the host, my Lord.
What did you say?
I was merely jesting.
- Count,
if you'll excuse me for a minute.
What do you want?
- You know,
it's not always easy
being both a father and a king.
You think, "What's good for my land
can't be bad for my daughter."
You don't have to marry him.
Oh, Daddy.
You're the best daddy
in the whole wide world.
We'll find a nice prince for you.
Does it have to be
an arranged marriage? - What else?
A marriage of love. - Not you too?
Lanze already asked me that today.
He asked you that? What else?
No idea what else. What do I care
what he thinks? A marriage of love!
Let's not get carried away.
We're civilized. - But...
Herzelinde, that's enough.
What about the concert on Sunday?
If I give you an inch,
you'll take a mile!
Hello, Mario. - Princess.
- How are you?
Okay.
Princess, can I have an autograph?
Hand in your sword at the cloakroom.
I never part with my sword!
- Then stay outside. No weapons allowed.
I've told you that 100 times.
Satisfied?
- Okay.
Put it in the cloakroom.
Thank you, my lord.
Here's your token. Don't lose it.
Princess, it's so cool that you got
the tickets. Thanks. - It was nothing.
This is Cindy. Princess.
- Princess. It's totally cool.
Hey, watch out!
She's a bit impetuous.
The wacko's here too.
Come on. Let's dance, Lanze.
- Princess!
I can't dance.
The bar...
I'll watch over you from the bar.
I can see things, and you,
better from there.
Okay. - Princess?
- Yes.
Take care when you dance.
- Why?
So you don't twist your ankle.
Because an ankle can easily
get twisted.
Lanze, you're so sweet.
What'll it be, knight?
I'll have a spring water.
- A spring what?
A spring water.
I'm here by horse, and I'm on duty.
A spring water.
It burns a little. - It's from
a mountain stream called Vodka.
Another one, please.
WE LOVE NKOTB
Good.
So, there's this green dragon...
and he's got these pointy spines
on his back.
And then he said...
Do you know what he said?
- What did he say?
Growl!
Thank you.
- Thanks.
Get out! Everyone out. Show's over.
Get off, you slimeball!
- Don't get fussy.
Closing time, my Lord.
If you'd please. - I can't believe it!
This is my club, you idiot!
Don't you have homes to go to?
- Closing time. Get out!
Hot as boiling oil. I'm knight Edmund.
- Lanze. - A pleasure.
Never heard of you. - I'm on the road
a lot. Real estate business.
By the way, if you're looking for a
new abode, you've found the right guy.
I sold a lovely vacation castle
in this lovely area last week.
And I have to leave!
- He sold me the wrong castle.
It was nice to meet you.
Get that man!
I thought we were buddies?
So, we meet again.
- Oh, Count Luipold Trumpf.
How do you like your new castle?
Easy, now.
We're alone at last, huh?
- Yeah.
You're much nicer than Count Trumpf.
You too. - Me too?
- Yeah.
Tell me the truth, Lanze...
What do you think of me?
- Not bad.
Not bad?
I feel bad.
I think I'm going to be sick.
Sorry.
Don't worry. It can be washed.
You really knocked it back.
- It was only water from Mongolistan.
We'd better ride home, huh?
You can sit in the coach if you want.
- It's against King Gunther's rules.
He doesn't have to know.
- But I can't betray the king.
Can you still ride?
- "Can you still ride"!
What a question.
Alright then.
Lanze!
Lanze!
Oh, my Lanze.
Lanze, what happened?
Your breath reeks!
Phew, holy cow!
- This was in the coach,
along with a ransom note.
1000 gold pieces for Herzelinde.
The Black Knight.
Lanze, what happened here?
- I wish I knew, my Lord.
Where's Herzelinde?
What happened to Herzelinde?
Gustav, speak to me.
The Black Knight took her.
Oh, God.
King Gunther! Help me.
The ransom money hasn't been paid.
Maybe we'll be lucky this time.
I promised my wife on her deathbed
to protect Herzelinde forever.
With my life.
And Lanze, I entrusted her to you.
How could you disappoint me this way?
Make preparations to pay the ransom
and throw him in the dungeon.
My father will pay the ransom money.
- Shut up!
He has lots of money.
So here we are.
Unfortunately we're out of single cells.
I bid you good night.
What an ironic twist of fate.
Don't worry, I don't bear a grudge.
So, tell me. What are you in for?
Did you get the princess pregnant?
Another word about Herzelinde
and you'll hang face down from there.
Oh, touchy! But let's talk
knight to knight: Why are you here?
You're not a knight.
I can smell it miles away.
Alright... I'm Erdal.
No one'd buy a castle from an Erdal,
but they would from an Edmund.
Now what? Aren't you talking to me?
- You're scum.
You use the good name of the knights
to do business... Pooh!
Scum? Fine, then we shall not speak
to one another.
We shall remain silent.
Silent.
I have no problem with being silent.
Ever kill a dragon?
Missed.
Good morning, love birds.
Did you sleep well?
Time to get up. You're getting tarred
and feathered today.
What are the charges against him?
- He questioned your authority.
How?
- He claimed the earth is round.
That's right.
- The noose, or the iron maiden?
Can I see the iron maiden first?
Bring in Hilde.
I'll take the noose instead.
- Too late.
I've made my decision. This isn't
a request line. Next, please.
She might be a little wrinkly,
but it's better than the noose.
At a pinch, I'd lay
the newspaper over her...
My dear King, I plead guilty
to having sold this honorable man
a castle
that didn't belong to me.
So one iron maiden, please.
We're all out of iron maidens.
Hilde was the last.
Death by the noose.
King Gunther.
They accepted the ransom money
and killed all ten men.
I tried to fight,
but there were too many.
Just too many.
Lanze, you're the only one
who can take on the Black Knight.
Bring my daughter back. Please.
King Gunther,
I swear I'll find Princess Herzelinde
and bring her back,
if it takes me the rest of my life.
It might take that long, too.
Where will you start looking?
As far as I know,
no one's found the Black Knight yet.
I can help, as it happens.
We know each other from way back.
Pardon me
and I'll show you his hideout.
Why are you waiting? Let them go.
You haven't a clue where he's hiding.
- Oh, but I do.
Hi, there!
- Hey! We've got a job to do.
Lanze, you're so uptight.
Have you considered
how I'm to pursue the Black Knight?
On foot?
Surely the good knight agrees?
How may I be of service?
- We need a horse.
Well, then you're a lucky duck.
What model is that one?
- It's a Japanese one.
Lanze, what do you think about it?
It has to be fast, that's all.
- Thanks for the help.
What do you want to use it for?
Do you just want to ride it
in the city?
Or more on country lanes?
We're going to save
King Gunther's daughter.
Oh. Well in that case
a more sturdy steed would be fitting.
Something small and maneuverable.
Yes, a foreign model. The mustang.
- Well, I don't know.
It's still pretty big.
- We don't carry dwarf ponies.
I only said there must be
a model smaller than this.
I've got just the thing for you.
They don't come any smaller.
A new model from France.
France?
- They call it...
the Duck.
What's that?
Doesn't say cuckoo,
doesn't have a trunk,
doesn't produce milk.
I think it's a duck.
And how am I to ride on it?
- It was a joke.
It wasn't funny.
- Shall I draw a picture?
Just give us your most expensive
small horse.
Lanze, it's amazingly comfortable.
You really must try it out.
It'll make our rescue mission
more relaxed.
Pardon me, good lady.
If I may be so bold...
You have an unbelievable aura.
Huh? - I'm a director searching for
a fresh piece for my face.
Come again?
- No, I mean the other way around.
I need a fresh face for my new piece.
No bullshit?
- As sure as I'm sitting here.
And I have potential?
- What are you doing?
This number never fails.
- Don't even consider it.
Excuse me, but we may face
months of deprivation.
The Princess may have years
of deprivation ahead of her. Let's go.
Work! But I'll be back.
Promise?
- Promise.
Bye.
- Bye. - Bye.
Would you stop? I'll take you back.
Here we are.
- The Black Knight is here?
It's one of his hideouts.
I suggest you wait here and cover me.
It was great. As usual.
Bye, my dear.
- Bye. - Bye.
Oh, hello.
Would you like to come in?
Hello, who do we have here?
I'm looking for a...
- I know what you want. Trisha?
What's your name, cutie?
- Lanze.
Lanze?
- Yes.
Something's pretty hard already.
- That's my groin cup.
What for?
For my testicles.
- Let's take it off then.
No, there seems to be
a misunderstanding.
I'm looking for a young foreign man.
- Oh, so you're one of them?
I'm sorry. You're at the wrong place.
You'll have to go to the Austrians.
Thank you.
Just a minute, please.
You pig!
She's just riding
my misaligned vertebrae back in place.
I'm a chiropractor.
Honest.
Chiropractor!
How dumb do you think I am?
It's just a plain old brothel.
What would you have done
with a noose?
You have no clue
where the Black Knight is, right?
Okay, you're right.
But I know someone
who knows it for sure. Honest.
If you're lying to me again...
- Lanze, I swear by the Virgin Mary.
Hah! You Turks are 99% Moslem.
- Smarty pants.
Lanze, use your head. If you subtract
99 from 100, what's left?
Tough. One.
- Thanks, ante up.
No privileges. - Never fear.
- Shut up!
He's gone.
Can I get your autograph?
Not for me. For my youngest girl.
She told me not to come home
without one.
You want my autograph?
- She really wants one.
Okay.
What's her name?
- Chantalle.
With two l's and an e.
Exactly.
It's really nice of you.
By the way, I'm Bernd.
- Herzelinde.
I knew that already.
What's he planning to do with me?
- I don't know. Really.
What happened to the other ladies
he abducted?
There aren't any other ladies here.
Walter is a complete sociopath.
He was the Black Knight's pupil for a
week. He had problems with authority.
He couldn't accept
someone else being the boss.
After getting kicked out,
Sattler went on vacation in England
and met a guy who's a superstar now.
Maybe you've heard his name?
Robin Hood.
Anyway, this Robin Hood is a bit odd.
Steals from the rich and gives
to the poor. A total oddball.
Sattler thought he could copy it
since it was so successful.
Although he skipped the part
about giving to the poor.
Hey, are you starving too?
Anyway, I thought we'd dress you up
as a minstrel.
Minstrel?
- Sure! You've heard of his fame
and you want to write songs about him
for posterity.
I'm a knight, not a gay songbird.
The majority of men
who reject homosexuality
are afraid of being gay themselves.
Especially in male-dominated jobs.
Your order, please.
What'll you have? Spit-roasted pig?
I'm not really hungry.
A half spit-roasted pig, please.
- What?
A half spit-roasted pig!
What?
A half spit-roasted pig! To go, please.
What?
What's up with her?
A half pit-roasted pig! - What?
What's going on?
- Lanze! Excuse me, please.
You're mumbling terribly.
This is Lanze, a half spit-roasted pig.
The maxi grilled mutton, double mead,
with ketchup, no mayo. To go.
What?
- You deaf old bat!
Have you tomatoes in your ears?
The grilled mutton...
The grilled mutton...
you stinking cow.
Damn it!
- Sir?
Please don't destroy
the intercom, okay?
Otherwise our other guests
won't be able to order.
Okay?
Hey, you two princesses. Could you
get moving? Others are waiting too.
Hey!
I feel humiliated.
- What? You look great, Lanze.
Walter Sattler,
what a pleasure! Remember me?
It's me, Erdal.
- Erdal.
Nice to see you.
You bastard.
It wasn't a high-security bunker.
It was just a hole in the forest!
Who do you think I am? Well?
A nothing? A nobody you can toy with?
Kill him.
Wait.
Walter, because I don't think that,
and want to sincerely apologize,
I've brought you the famous minstrel,
Lanze... Iot.
Lanzelot?
He's had a number of hits already.
- Really?
The Song of the Nibelungs.
Don't know it.
- But you know this one:
By the gate near the fountain,
there was a linden tree...
Yeah, I know that one. A No. 1 hit.
- Exactly.
And the famous Lanzelot wants
to compose a No. 1 song about you.
Of course it's not easy being famous.
I know of enough others
who couldn't handle it and cracked.
And having to be a bad role model
for your own folk is stressful.
It's not that simple.
Forging plans...
Jeez!
I told you 1000 times
to secure the sword!
Secure it!
You know what?
I'll show you how it's done.
Men! We're going to rob the casino.
This is a hold-up!
Damn it! This is a hold-up!
Who do you think I am?
Tell them who I am.
- Hey! This is Walter.
My last name, you moron.
It would very nice
if you'd just listen up for a minute.
I present Walter Sattler,
and he wants to tell you something.
- Yeah! Yeah!
An arrow.
I could've done that too.
No matter! Hand over your gold,
you... you...
you... swines!
Do you know who you're robbing?
- Do you know who's robbing you?
Robin Hood?
Never heard of him.
I'm Walter Sattler, the one and only.
And now give me your valuables.
- You'll pay for this.
The 100 best quacks, the 100 best
smithies... Damned piece of junk!
I need a new pair of glasses. How much
faster can a qualified torturer work
compared to an average one?
Wheel or whip,
the rack or the Spanish Boots.
More importantly,
what do those affected think?
Well, those who survived,
or their family. Whatever.
I need facts, facts, facts!
And always keep the reader in mind.
- I want another lead story.
Knight Lanze: How he conned us all.
This paper offers a reward... yeah!
No, it can't be. Not Lanze.
They're lying. - I don't know if it
helps you, but he's not one of us.
What?
- He means a lot to you, huh?
What makes you think that?
- Well, I have 3 girls.
My Lanze...
Where is he now?
Do you have anything?
A couple of lines, a verse.
Hey, boss. I came up with something.
What's that on your face?
It could be our trademark.
Are you a complete fool?
We'd all look the same.
- Exactly.
If you want it to work...
You take a piece of cloth,
cut 2 holes for your eyes, snip-snip,
we tie it around our heads,
and there you have it!
Anything else?
You want an autograph?
- Sure, why not?
A couple of lines?
It's still very rough.
- I want to hear it.
Now?
- Yes.
Men, Lanze's going to sing a song.
- No, I won't.
Lanzelot!
Walter Sattler
Yes, he's widely known
His deeds
and his fruits homegrown
Even the carrots
And the... radish
The radish...
The radish...
And now my song is done
Magnificent.
Magnificent.
A masterpiece.
If you need to know anything else,
any questions, just ask.
Where did you receive your training?
Why do you want to know that?
I need the full picture of who
you are, and that includes...
Walter Sattler
Is the mightiest
And the Black Knight is the dumbest
The Black Knight?
- He's useless.
Completely useless!
- And where did you train?
He's a total nut.
- Where? Do you know where it was?
Sure.
- Where?
There.
Somewhere in the south.
- Where exactly in the south?
Whatever. Somewhere in the south.
No one cares.
What counts, what really counts,
is the Walter Sattler of today.
He knows where he lives!
- He knows nothing.
I'm making a fool of myself! For what?
"ln the south"!
- It still narrows things down.
I knew it.
You used me the whole time
just to get to the Black Knight. You
only wanted to write songs about him.
Everybody wants the Black Knight.
Admit it!
Everybody wants the Black Knight.
This is the end of it!
Silence, at last.
Lanze, what are you doing?
- Drawing.
Basic knight training. - Really?
- Yeah.
I thought you learned to smash
as many heads as quickly as possible.
That happens later, on the job.
But the perfect knight can do more.
Poetry, painting, singing.
- But you skipped singing lessons?
Want to see my favorite picture?
- I'd love to.
Who's that?
- It's Herzelinde.
I divided her up into geometric forms.
Here's her nose.
Lanze, with respect,
that's even worse than your singing.
It's art. Ahead of our time perhaps,
but it's art.
Lanze, some day we might have coaches
that don't need horses,
maybe they'll fly in the heavens too,
and maybe our kingdom
will be ruled by a woman...
with a hairdo like yours.
But that will never ever be art.
What do you know about art?
Did you even go to school?
- What do you mean?
Are you putting the dunce cap on me?
- I didn't mean it like that.
No, I unfortunately did not go
to school. Know why?
Because your wonderful King Gunther's
integration policies were a failure.
Where is the access to education
if you can't speak the language well,
if no one cares about you,
if you're just a token gift
from some crusade?
I'm sorry. I didn't mean it like that.
- You're sorry?
Yes, I'm sorry.
- Don't you think I had bigger plans
for my life than selling
fake real estate to big shots?
Actually, no.
Hey, where are you going with that?
I haven't seen a woman in weeks,
Lanze. I'm going to sharpen my sword.
Are you a little slow in the head?
I'm going to service my weapon.
To polish my dagger.
You're going to wipe down your lance?
- At last!
But not with Herzelinde's picture!
With what else then?
Your painting leaves me cold.
Give it back.
Fine, then. I'll just explode.
It's cold here.
- Come back to the fire,
you'll just catch a cold
and it'd slow us up.
Thanks for your compassion.
Lanze?
When we find Herzelinde,
will you tell her that you love her?
Who says I love her?
- Lanze,
you can't fool a Turk
when it comes to true love.
Tell her?
I'd rather take on 20 Black Knights.
- Know what? We'll practice it.
Oh, Lanze! Hello.
Lanze, I knew you'd come to save me.
Lanze, say something. Play along.
- What?
Whatever you'd tell her in real life.
Hark, Princess...
- Lanze, try again.
Lanze, keep acting like that
and you'll never get me.
What did I do wrong?
- I'm sulking.
She's sulking.
Lanze, I'll show you. Okay?
Princess Herzelinde?
If I had to climb the highest mountain
or ride through the deepest valley
or swim the most turbulent river,
I'd never rest till I found you,
Princess Herzelinde.
Oh, Lanze.
Princess, I have to tell you
something important.
What, Lanze?
Princess, l...
I love you.
- Oh, Lanze! I love you too.
And now give it to me.
Down and dirty on the dungeon floor.
Just kidding. Write it down.
I don't need to.
- Are you sure?
Yes, I can remember it.
- Really sure?
Yes, I'm not stupid.
- Fine. Nothing can go wrong now.
How can I be of service?
- We seek the Black Knight, please.
Lanze, you need to be
more open to progress.
Information technology is the future.
- That'll be 2 guilders.
2 guilders? Outrageous!
Is your Black Knight around...
four years old?
- What?
Sorry, wrong number.
Knight with "kn" or just "n"?
With "kn."
- Oh.
I'm no good at reading and writing.
- Me neither.
I know.
Now I see things much more clearly.
- So which way do we go?
To the south.
- We know that already. Where exactly?
You need to toss in more money.
Don't push your luck, witch.
You need to go far to the south,
to the inn at the end of the world.
There you shall be told
where your Black Knight hides,
by one of your soul mates.
A soul mate of mine?
What does it mean, dear witch?
You'll find out there.
- And it says all that in your ball?
Sure.
What is it? - You'll be tortured
somewhere where you've been before.
Will I be tortured too?
- No.
You'll be dead by then.
I'm joking.
It says here that your body
will become your weapon
on the day you decide to act
like a hero instead of a coward.
My body, a weapon?
- The ball says so, not me.
Oh, Mr. Knight,
sex is a wonderful thing.
You're a virgin, aren't you?
Lanze, are you really still a virgin?
You're really a virgin, huh?
Tell me the witch
has a wrong number again.
No, I don't. Not this time.
It'll be lovely.
So lovely.
Erdal, we're leaving.
INN AT THE END OF THE WORLD
Who's supposed to be
my soul mate here?
A nutty witch, I'm telling you.
And where's the waiter?
Don't they want to make money here?
A spring water and a mead.
Lanze!
Lanze, you're in the paper!
I can't believe it.
You're such a humble person
and in reality you're
probably the best known knight
in the whole kingdom! Lanze!
Hey!
Is there anyone here who can read?
I can read well enough for that paper.
My good man, come here.
Please do come.
Isabella eagerly awaits her bed.
Our lovely damsel eagerly awaits
her strong knight for a pillow fight.
No, no. Up here, my good man.
Knight Lanze...
My buddy.
The dastardly betrayer of the king
is still on the run.
Gunther, worried sick...
That's enough, my good man.
Sit down. You did a great job.
Reward: 10,000 guilders.
Today's my lucky day.
Erdal, my sword.
Are you the Black Knight?
I'm just Roberto.
I'm no knight. I'm just a token gift
from some crusade. - Me too.
And are you a small-time crook?
And you lie more often
than you tell the truth?
But deep in your heart
you know there's more to you
that hasn't been discovered yet?
And you love wild berry gum?
You're real fun, you know that?
There's always time for fun.
Roberto, you don't know by chance
where the Black Knight is?
Black Knight?
I deliver beverages to a fellow
in black armor. Totally nutty.
Thanks, Roberto.
Lanze...
It's still too early.
The lovely buffet. All garbage now.
Roberto, wait. What if we put it all
in a piece of bread? Here, look.
Some meat,
a few tomatoes,
herbs,
a bit of onion.
Look. You can hold it really well.
It tastes great.
You have to try it, Roberto.
It's fantastic. It's so... muttony.
Sell this in the city,
and you'd be rich.
A great idea, Roberto.
We just need a name for it.
It has to be catchy. - Catchy?
Yes.
MlBTAH.
Mutton in bread with tomato and herbs.
"Mutton in bread with tomato
and herbs to go, please!"
Sounds crappy, huh?
Hey, pixie-head. Give me a swing.
I've got a head of iron.
Thanks for the help.
While you tried with brute force,
I've already found out
where the Black Knight lives.
You should see how Lanze helps me
into the coach. He's so careful,
as if I were a raw egg. And he says
things like "Hark, Princess,
a head like that gets easily bumped."
Sounds a bit like a total idiot.
No, yeah. I mean
sometimes he's a little awkward,
but that makes him all the more sweet.
Or when we have Code Yellow.
Code Yellow?
Yes, a security level at the castle.
Increased chances of kidnapping.
He stands before my door the whole
night to make sure I'm safe.
Sometimes I'm completely certain
he feels the same for me as I for him.
And sometimes...
I think that he's...
He doesn't understand a thing?
Yes, exactly.
You must be a great father.
I try hard.
Why are you here? You're different.
I had problems with drugs in my youth.
And I'm from an immigrant background.
My grandparents are Austrian.
Ouch!
And I have a wife and daughters
who I have to feed.
It's a catch-22.
What's this?
I'm guarding her. Honest.
Shut up!
I just wanted to...
Shut up. - Okay.
Fine.
What'll happen to me?
You're the victim
of a dastardly intrigue, my dear.
That must be it.
A windmill?
Pretty corny for the most dangerous
man in the kingdom.
There he is, the Black Knight.
He's turned his back to us.
Sneak up and stab him in the back.
Not an ounce of honor in you!
Are you the Black Knight?
Who wants to know?
The one who asks.
Don't do something you'll regret.
Excuse me. I have a suggestion.
Why don't we just say it was a tie?
A tie? I'm still in one piece.
Sorry, but this is really childish.
It's getting silly.
We'll never find the Princess this way.
What princess?
Princess Herzelinde.
Herzelinde? Don't have one.
I've got a Brunhilde.
Actually, two. And even a Hildegard,
but Herzelinde...
I don't have.
You kidnapped Princess Herzelinde.
When did I do that?
A month ago.
A month ago?
But I retired years ago.
Someone's played you for a fool.
We'll soon see. Erdal, the gauntlet.
Here.
No court in the world would admit it.
Someone's fooling you.
Don't take it to heart.
You'll find the right man, okay?
You want to come around to the back?
I mean, can I treat you
to a herbal mead? A cool one.
I don't drink.
It's non-alcoholic.
This is my little empire.
Make yourselves at home.
You're the best swordsman
I've ever faced.
I set them all free
once the ransom was paid, but...
somehow none of them wanted to return
to their patriarchal marriage,
you get it?
Lanze, I think we're in heaven.
Watch out, a Turkish bomb.
Yeah!
Then one time I kidnapped the wife
of a scholarly man.
She had occupied some castles
before marrying or something,
and she introduced
some new windmill law.
They called themselves
the grassroots democratic feudalists.
With time, it was implemented here.
We agree on everything,
like who goes shopping,
who takes out the trash,
who separates it,
if it's okay to smoke in here, etc.
Is that alright with you, yes?
Yes.
And it works?
I can't imagine a better system
than the monarchy.
Yes, it works.
It's okay.
Though I do have to sit when I pee.
But that's a lot of trouble.
Trouble, yes.
But it's grassroots democracy.
If I sit to pee, then I can smoke.
What about the legends,
the atrocities, the plundering?
A bad image is good for business
when you're in the kidnapping sector.
Yes, what is it, my pretties?
We just heard that Lanze's a virgin.
Thanks, Erdal.
I didn't know
you had a problem with it.
Don't laugh at him!
Is it really true, Lanze?
Yes, I'm a virgin.
What's so bad about that?
You act as if it were contagious.
It isn't.
Well, I thought I'd save myself
for Herzelinde.
Even if I may never have her.
That's really sweet, Lanze. I'm sure
Herzelinde would find it romantic.
But to tell you the truth,
you're not doing anyone a favor.
That's right.
Either Herzelinde marries a prince,
and all that saving yourself
was for nothing,
or you and Herzelinde get married,
and you flop on your wedding night.
Well said.
Come on, Lanze.
We need to show you something.
What?
Something beautiful.
Come.
Excuse me? Can't you show me too?
Sorry, another time.
Ladies?
Erdal and I need a private moment.
Would it be okay if you left us alone?
Yeah, do you agree?
Yeah, sure.
Vote.
A clear majority.
Thanks, I love you all.
What is it?
It tickles a little.
Loosen up. Relax.
I'm trying,
but it's not really working.
We'll be gentle with you, okay?
And... what now?
Let's lie down together.
Do you hear anything?
Isn't it nice to be with like minds?
I don't hear a thing.
Fear not. Close your eyes and enjoy.
I'm cold.
Can I put on my shirt again?
Lanze!
If there's anything... if something
makes you uncomfortable,
just say "stop."
Stop.
Now we know how you got your name.
I bet they regret
not taking me along too.
Holy Toledo!
I really needed that.
Okay, good luck.
And bye-bye.
And you really have to leave?
We need to inform Prince Gustav
to put an end to the conspiracy.
And if you're in the neighborhood,
stop by. No problem.
Honestly, okay?
When you find the princess, say hi.
She's super.
Yes, she is.
Thanks.
Princess!
I should've known.
I think I've shown you
enough of your options.
Your choice shouldn't be
too difficult now.
If I may?
My dear Count,
unfortunately I lack the ability
to humiliate myself completely.
I'd rather rot in here
than go anywhere with you.
You have no choice, Princess.
Oh, but I do.
My little bunny.
You'll be sorry yet.
You're all dirty.
Tonight we'll have a bubble bath.
The two of us
will have lots of fun together.
Au revoir, Princess.
I can't believe it! What's that?
Well, if your suspicions are right,
who can we trust?
No one.
Until we find out who's behind it all.
We have to find the castle bartender
who gave me the fake spring water.
You mean the one-eye?
What?
I never told you that.
How else would I know?
Gustav!
I'm growing roots here!
I want to keep playing.
Georg, be gone.
I won't wait much longer.
Someone must have made
the black suit of armor for him.
That's it!
We need to look for the smithy.
The one-eye...
That's my dagger.
Watch out! Fire!
My King, I told you so.
Lanze is the Black Knight.
Gustav, what are you talking about?
And when he realized that I knew,
he killed the smithy.
Prince Gustav, look.
What is that?
The black suit of armor.
The evidence is clear.
Lock him up and torture him
until he says where the Princess is.
Arrest him!
Gentlemen, wait! You can't do that.
I'm an innocent foreigner. This will
have diplomatic repercussions.
Now we're back
where everything began.
Almost romantic, in a way.
Remember you're innocent. With justice
on your side no harm will come to you.
I'll pray for you.
The Ottoman first.
What?
Why me and not him?
We go by the alphabet. It's the rule.
E comes before L.
I can't read.
I'll tell you everything.
I didn't do anything.
Honorable dungeon master, I swear
I know nothing.
Lanze forced me to help him.
Lanze is the Black Knight.
He kidnapped Princess Herzelinde
and killed the smithy. Know what?
He draws sick pictures. You have to
see them. They'll warp your head.
And I bet the plague last winter
is his doing too. If you're looking
for Princess Herzelinde,
ask him, not me.
They didn't get a peep out of me.
Next, please.
I'll ask you one last time,
where is the Princess?
Ask Prince Gustav.
Any other ideas?
We could read him the poems
written by the King.
Let's try the coward again.
Yes.
But why me again?
Quit your yapping. It's your turn.
Sir dungeon master, I beg you!
I've already told you everything.
We can't go home until we have her.
That's true. Okay, I'll tell you
where Princess Herzelinde is.
But if someone asks you,
you didn't hear it from me.
Who else would've told me?
I don't know.
The Frog Prince.
lnsulting the royal family?
Be gone. You can continue later.
You had to be so damn successful
and find the Black Knight!
You should've fled to Asia or ltaly.
I said the exact same thing.
How could you, Gustav?
Gambling debts.
After you had 3 spring waters and
went to bed, I gambled a bit.
But I couldn't pay my gambling debts.
Count Trumpf made me a great offer.
He'd release me from my debts,
and I'd get him Princess Herzelinde.
And you already know the rest.
The whole thing has other benefits.
When the King suddenly dies
a surprising death
and the Princess is too busy
serving the Count,
I, Prince Gustav,
will become king.
King Prince Gustav.
And after you, the kidnapper,
die a horrible death tomorrow,
I shall finally be
the best swordsman
in the entire kingdom.
How I've waited!
Always number 2!
Why do you think I gamble?
Always behind the trusty knight,
Lanzelot. It makes me sick, you know?
Lanzelot,
my only friend.
I take my leave from you.
Prince Gustav, don't go.
Save me. Take me with you.
I'll do anything for you.
Ask anything of me!
Look at me. I'll be your monkey.
Off with you, you useless toad.
As if I needed the help
of a small-time huckster.
We'll send flowers to the widows!
Not even in the face of death
can you show strength of character.
Prince Gustav was right.
You're a toad.
But a clever toad.
We've no time to lose.
Let's go to the Count's castle.
To the Count? Hey!
Someone's about to snuff you out!
Look at you. You're seriously injured
and now you want to save the Princess?
You'll never become a knight, Erdal.
Lanze, listen to me.
They have 10,000 archers,
100,000 sentries!
We'll never make it out alive.
Do what you want. You know what?
I'll do what the Prince suggested.
I'm hightailing it to the south.
I thought you were my friend.
So this is it.
So this is it.
Mr. Director!
I'll get the lead role in your play?
Yeah, yeah.
You know, I talked about it
with a girlfriend last week.
Cleaning hooves day after day
isn't fulfilling.
I want to be on stage.
The crowds, the applause...
Applause, applause, applause.
What's that?
My chastity belt.
And what's the combination?
It needs a key.
So where's the key?
Silly me, I lost it.
Locksmith!
No, he knocked off at 5.
How does your play end?
What?
You stopped when Lanze and Erdal save
the Princess from the Count's clutches.
No, not Erdal.
He's doing the right thing.
He's hightailing it to the south.
After all that, he's running away?
And after the witch...
The witch? She's full of crap.
At last!
No, sorry, I've gone off the idea.
Why, what's wrong?
I thought they had become friends.
And now that coward leaves him
high and dry? What a crappy play.
You're sure it's the leading role?
Come on.
Now what?
I think my body
has transformed into a weapon.
What about Lanze?
He's being tortured to death.
I'd love to have been there.
I heard you talked with my cousin.
That wretch!
You are too kind, my Count.
I know. What can I do?
Maybe a thrashing?
You're right.
I was too polite. Guard!
Yes, my lord?
Bring me the Princess.
Where's the key?
What key?
You meant this key?
Turn around.
Not my nose. Anywhere but my nose.
Your head?
Yes, thanks.
Lanze!
Oh, I knew you'd come.
You're injured.
Sorry.
Princess Herzelinde...
What is it? Well?
Even if I had to swim
the deepest mountain... Huh?
Even if I had to climb
the most turbulent valley...
Nonsense.
Did you hear that?
What?
There was a noise.
It was nothing.
Oh yes. I'd better check.
What did you want to say, Lanze?
I'll be right back.
Damn it! What an idiot.
Everything okay, Lanze?
Princess, stay in your cell.
The... the guard's going for help.
No, I won't. Just ignore me.
You'd like that, you rascal.
Not on the nose.
That was close.
What are you doing? Bernd's nice.
Oh, I didn't hit him that hard.
What did you want to tell me?
Princess Herzelinde,
I...
Yes?
I...
Yes, Lanze?
l... - I love you.
But I wanted to say that.
Well, then say it!
Okay, Princess Herzelinde, I love you
and have done for a long time.
Now we have to go, and quickly.
What's going on here?
Hey, fool.
Where's the Princess?
Not on the nose.
Idiot! Raise the alarm!
Alarm!
That wasn't very friendly.
Friends, we have to hurry. Come on.
Oh, Lanze, are you hurt?
Gustav?
It's the end of the line for you.
But I'll give you a fair chance
because I'm a nice prince,
and you're my best friend.
An eye for an eye,
a tooth for a tooth.
Sword... against sword.
Well, what's up?
You're not going to chicken out?
You're the best.
Lanze, are you crazy?
You can't move your right arm.
The bump looks good on you.
Did it hurt? Come on.
Pick up your big sword.
Good opening move.
No!
Looks like you'll always be No. 2.
Oh, my bump.
Archer! Archer!
Yeah, I'm coming.
Kill him.
As you wish.
But Prince Gustav is in the way.
So what! Fire!
You jest, Count.
I can't believe it!
Do I look like a joker?
Hard to say.
Stop your yapping
and fire!
I can't stand the slimeball anyway.
You're nuts.
I'm one of you, one of the bad guys!
Fire!
My lovely butt.
My mistake, sorry.
Reload! Keep firing!
Drop your weapons.
The Black Knight.
Awesome!
Fire!
Too much crosswind.
Not him, you idiot,
him!
Hello?
I'm out, Count.
Me too, loser.
Archer!
Archer! Archer!
I can't believe it! Get back!
Get back!
That must really hurt.
Sorry.
Not a minute too soon. Lanze,
you will come to visit us?
You can bring the dear Princess too.
Thanks.
Lots of luck, you two.
With my connections,
I won't sit in the dungeon for long.
Then we can continue with our liaison.
It didn't hurt a bit.
Oh, my fox. My fox is on fire!
Call 91 1!
This will have repercussions,
you toad.
You've got the fat ass.
You're off to the gallows.
You're off to jail. Take him away!
What?
Don't stand around! Him too!
Ah, my poor fox. I'm sorry.
Where's Walter?
He's finally having therapy.
Men, we'll give the money
to the poor.
Yeah!
Daddy!
Herzelinde!
I missed you so much.
Me too.
Never before has a knight better
chances with a princess than you now.
King Gunther,
I know I'm just a knight
and I have no right to it,
and despite the fact
that you might put me in jail...
I love your daughter.
And I ask you for her hand.
Lanze, I shall never forget you
for bringing my daughter back.
But please, don't get out of place.
I know where it is.
Next to Herzelinde, she's mine!
You're a bodyguard. She's a princess.
It's impossible.
You can promote him.
I can do anything. I'm King.
Please, Daddy.
Please!
Don't start with your pleases.
Please.
Not in the church.
Anyway, there's a tasty buffet later.
Lanze, you know how weddings are.
You're starved by the time
there's food. - What's that?
Doner kebab.
Doner kebab?
Catchy name, huh?
Roberto's idea.
What does it mean?
I think it's the abbreviation for
"One mutton in bread with tomato
and herbs to go, please."
Ladies and gentlemen, hark!
Our beloved King Gunther.
The king of kings.
The mightiest of them all.
The wisest of them all.
The most merciful of them all.
The most just of them all.
Does it still hurt?
You're ravishing. I'm so happy for you.
The most sensitive of them all.
The proudest of them all.
The most elegant of them all.
With his daughter,
the enchanting Herzelinde.
The most virginal...
Done.
So, does it taste good?
Herzelinde,
do you take Sir Lanze
as your lawfully wedded husband,
to love and to honor,
until death do you part?
Yes, I do.
And do you, Lanze,
take Herzelinde
as your lawfully wedded wife,
to love and to honor,
until death do you part?
Yes, I really, really do.
Then you may kiss.
FOR EMMA, LlLLl, LUNA AND VALENTlN
Walter Sattler, he's widely known
His deeds and his fruits homegrown
Mr. Sattler?
And the carrots and the radish
And now my song is done
It'll be a No. 1 hit.
Yep.
I'll show you a few pictures, then you
tell me what you associate with them.
The Black Knight.
The Black Knight.
Take it easy. Look...
Take it easy, Mr. Sattler.
The Black Knight.
Take it easy.
Black...
Take it easy.
Yes, we definitely have
a problem here.
Iook here, see what he can afford.
These warriors, 14 strong men,
will bring him victory time and again.
We're 9 points behind. It's a rout.
We want to see you win,
so Gunther's folk take it on the chin.
King Gunther is gazing down
upon his best knight.
King Gunther is very proud,
not only of his knights,
but especially of his manner.
Lanze the knight
is my daughter's bodyguard.
A good man.
- Not for long. - We'll see.
Lanze the knight bows.
Is his fate now sealed?
He's brave, but he has no chance.
That's his problem. What's he
doing now? The man's delusional!
He challenges 10 men, a battle royale.
You're right,
but if he defeats these 10 opponents,
he could actually swing a victory.
It's started! His opponents attack.
They want to destroy him right away.
An unbelievable battle! A head butt!
And he managed to hit him!
The cheerleaders are ecstatic!
What a performance by Lanze!
I can't believe my eyes! Another point.
He's done for.
- It's looking good for the home team.
A sword blow! And his opponent
is flying through the air.
A knock-up! Here's his chance.
Big Boot! He's busted him up!
And another well-aimed move!
Yeah, Lanze. I want your child.
- Me too.
A corkscrew moonsault!
The next blow.
But he's lost his sword!
He's got it. He takes it,
and a double-extended blow.
Lanze is really getting up steam!
- But now he's down.
What will happen now?
Will he get to his feet again?
Yes! A roundhouse fist.
- An unbelievable technique!
It's not over yet for Lanze!
The atmosphere here is amazing.
Anhalt is catching up.
Only five more points!
Lanze the knight takes a swing
and strikes again. A sword blow!
Now he's switching hands!
What a shot!
It's going to be an upset!
Absolutely! One more axe blow,
and his contender lands in the dirt.
With an elbow, too!
What an incredible performance!
He stumbles,
but he's still on his feet.
Lanze is pushing hard!
It's almost a tie. There it is!
Unbelievable!
One more point for the win!
Lanze is demolishing his opponents!
And that's the deciding blow!
Anhalt has won! - lncredible!
So, was I exaggerating?
Knight Lanze has won this tournament
for his kingdom, for King Gunther.
What a sensation!
Look how he's gazing at Herzelinde.
They'd make a nice couple. - No, he's
Herzelinde's guard. A royal servant.
Don't be old-fashioned!
Just because he's a knight
and she's a princess?
I think it'd be lovely.
You should emigrate,
or I'll always be the no. 2 swordsman.
I...
thought you were great out there.
I...
Yes...
Yes, what?
Yeah...
Now I've forgotten.
It's... it's no big deal.
You sing wonderfully.
- What? My voice is terrible.
No, you sing wonderfully.
Thank you.
We could sing together.
- That's impossible.
I'm on duty.
There's no one here.
And what about the servant maids?
I can send them away.
- Princess, don't do this to me.
The castle would collapse
if I were to sing.
We'll see then.
Hark, ladies.
Count Luipold Trumpf,
Prince Gustav and
our beloved King Gunther.
The King of kings,
the mightiest of them all.
Herzelinde, I have...
- The most merciful of them all.
Princess...
- The wisest of them all.
You! Shut up!
I'm just doing my job, your Majesty.
Herold, do you want to end up
in the dungeon again? - Why?
Herzelinde,
I've got great news for you.
Luipold Trumpf has just announced
that he wishes to ask for your hand.
And he brought
a nice engagement present.
Oh, I think we have a little problem.
I own this castle already.
It's my holiday home.
But why did you need to sell it, King?
That's the problem. I didn't sell it.
You were conned.
I can't believe it.
Here I am, with empty hands.
No matter.
It's the thought that counts.
And the good news is that...
he's asked for your hand. So I'll hold
a feast on Sunday. What do you say?
What do I say?
Shit!
Pinch me, Daddy.
- But why, my child?
I won't marry him.
You can forget it entirely.
I'm not for sale, Count Luipold Trumpf.
I'm not a title of nobility.
I'll never marry that creep!
He's four times my age!
Yes, mature men are certainly...
"Mature", Daddy?
Take a look at him!
He's a zombie!
Well, are you still living
in that wretched castle?
You'll learn to love
Castle Trumpf yet, Princess.
She's very...
shy.
I'll fix it.
Herzelinde, wait a minute.
Stuff your stupid feast too!
New Kids on the Block are playing
their only concert, the best one ever.
They were from my day!
They broke up 15 years ago.
Daddy, you're out of touch!
They re-formed.
Really? How cool!
- Yeah.
In North America, tickets sold out
in 4 hours. - Wow, in 4 hours?
Radical, huh?
- Gigantic.
It'd be cool if you'd get me tickets.
- Sure.
If the gracious King permits me.
Awesome.
You can forget about the concert,
I tell you!
Oh, Lanze.
Being a single-parent king isn't
what it used to be. I'm fed up with it.
Herzelinde's as stubborn as her mom was.
And I'm being pulled every which way.
The press is slating me,
and mobs are taking to the streets
demanding an 80-hour working week!
And this crown itches. Hold it.
Well? Is it straight?
- As always, my King.
Is the gem in front?
- It is.
My lord, does it have to be
an arranged marriage?
What else?
A marriage of love.
- A marriage of love? Lanze!
What century are you living in?
I'd be a laughing stock.
My coffers are empty, and Count
Luipold is the richest man around.
Maybe she'll realize tonight
that he's a nice guy.
She probably can't decide
what to wear. Women!
Your Majesty,
the princess is indisposed.
I've been told that she's indisposed.
- lndisposed?
Yes, such an odd medieval word.
"lndisposed".
So what do you propose to do?
- Me?
I'm going to finish eating my steak.
I meant, what do you propose
to do with Herzelinde?
I understood you.
But if you think I'll force her
to dine with us, you're mistaken.
It seems our views on good breeding
differ, my Lord.
Apparently. But I'm the host
and you're my guest,
so I shall finish my steak in peace.
If I wanted to, I could buy
the entire kingdom right now,
including this castle
and everything within it.
Then I'd be the host, my Lord.
What did you say?
I was merely jesting.
- Count,
if you'll excuse me for a minute.
What do you want?
- You know,
it's not always easy
being both a father and a king.
You think, "What's good for my land
can't be bad for my daughter."
You don't have to marry him.
Oh, Daddy.
You're the best daddy
in the whole wide world.
We'll find a nice prince for you.
Does it have to be
an arranged marriage? - What else?
A marriage of love. - Not you too?
Lanze already asked me that today.
He asked you that? What else?
No idea what else. What do I care
what he thinks? A marriage of love!
Let's not get carried away.
We're civilized. - But...
Herzelinde, that's enough.
What about the concert on Sunday?
If I give you an inch,
you'll take a mile!
Hello, Mario. - Princess.
- How are you?
Okay.
Princess, can I have an autograph?
Hand in your sword at the cloakroom.
I never part with my sword!
- Then stay outside. No weapons allowed.
I've told you that 100 times.
Satisfied?
- Okay.
Put it in the cloakroom.
Thank you, my lord.
Here's your token. Don't lose it.
Princess, it's so cool that you got
the tickets. Thanks. - It was nothing.
This is Cindy. Princess.
- Princess. It's totally cool.
Hey, watch out!
She's a bit impetuous.
The wacko's here too.
Come on. Let's dance, Lanze.
- Princess!
I can't dance.
The bar...
I'll watch over you from the bar.
I can see things, and you,
better from there.
Okay. - Princess?
- Yes.
Take care when you dance.
- Why?
So you don't twist your ankle.
Because an ankle can easily
get twisted.
Lanze, you're so sweet.
What'll it be, knight?
I'll have a spring water.
- A spring what?
A spring water.
I'm here by horse, and I'm on duty.
A spring water.
It burns a little. - It's from
a mountain stream called Vodka.
Another one, please.
WE LOVE NKOTB
Good.
So, there's this green dragon...
and he's got these pointy spines
on his back.
And then he said...
Do you know what he said?
- What did he say?
Growl!
Thank you.
- Thanks.
Get out! Everyone out. Show's over.
Get off, you slimeball!
- Don't get fussy.
Closing time, my Lord.
If you'd please. - I can't believe it!
This is my club, you idiot!
Don't you have homes to go to?
- Closing time. Get out!
Hot as boiling oil. I'm knight Edmund.
- Lanze. - A pleasure.
Never heard of you. - I'm on the road
a lot. Real estate business.
By the way, if you're looking for a
new abode, you've found the right guy.
I sold a lovely vacation castle
in this lovely area last week.
And I have to leave!
- He sold me the wrong castle.
It was nice to meet you.
Get that man!
I thought we were buddies?
So, we meet again.
- Oh, Count Luipold Trumpf.
How do you like your new castle?
Easy, now.
We're alone at last, huh?
- Yeah.
You're much nicer than Count Trumpf.
You too. - Me too?
- Yeah.
Tell me the truth, Lanze...
What do you think of me?
- Not bad.
Not bad?
I feel bad.
I think I'm going to be sick.
Sorry.
Don't worry. It can be washed.
You really knocked it back.
- It was only water from Mongolistan.
We'd better ride home, huh?
You can sit in the coach if you want.
- It's against King Gunther's rules.
He doesn't have to know.
- But I can't betray the king.
Can you still ride?
- "Can you still ride"!
What a question.
Alright then.
Lanze!
Lanze!
Oh, my Lanze.
Lanze, what happened?
Your breath reeks!
Phew, holy cow!
- This was in the coach,
along with a ransom note.
1000 gold pieces for Herzelinde.
The Black Knight.
Lanze, what happened here?
- I wish I knew, my Lord.
Where's Herzelinde?
What happened to Herzelinde?
Gustav, speak to me.
The Black Knight took her.
Oh, God.
King Gunther! Help me.
The ransom money hasn't been paid.
Maybe we'll be lucky this time.
I promised my wife on her deathbed
to protect Herzelinde forever.
With my life.
And Lanze, I entrusted her to you.
How could you disappoint me this way?
Make preparations to pay the ransom
and throw him in the dungeon.
My father will pay the ransom money.
- Shut up!
He has lots of money.
So here we are.
Unfortunately we're out of single cells.
I bid you good night.
What an ironic twist of fate.
Don't worry, I don't bear a grudge.
So, tell me. What are you in for?
Did you get the princess pregnant?
Another word about Herzelinde
and you'll hang face down from there.
Oh, touchy! But let's talk
knight to knight: Why are you here?
You're not a knight.
I can smell it miles away.
Alright... I'm Erdal.
No one'd buy a castle from an Erdal,
but they would from an Edmund.
Now what? Aren't you talking to me?
- You're scum.
You use the good name of the knights
to do business... Pooh!
Scum? Fine, then we shall not speak
to one another.
We shall remain silent.
Silent.
I have no problem with being silent.
Ever kill a dragon?
Missed.
Good morning, love birds.
Did you sleep well?
Time to get up. You're getting tarred
and feathered today.
What are the charges against him?
- He questioned your authority.
How?
- He claimed the earth is round.
That's right.
- The noose, or the iron maiden?
Can I see the iron maiden first?
Bring in Hilde.
I'll take the noose instead.
- Too late.
I've made my decision. This isn't
a request line. Next, please.
She might be a little wrinkly,
but it's better than the noose.
At a pinch, I'd lay
the newspaper over her...
My dear King, I plead guilty
to having sold this honorable man
a castle
that didn't belong to me.
So one iron maiden, please.
We're all out of iron maidens.
Hilde was the last.
Death by the noose.
King Gunther.
They accepted the ransom money
and killed all ten men.
I tried to fight,
but there were too many.
Just too many.
Lanze, you're the only one
who can take on the Black Knight.
Bring my daughter back. Please.
King Gunther,
I swear I'll find Princess Herzelinde
and bring her back,
if it takes me the rest of my life.
It might take that long, too.
Where will you start looking?
As far as I know,
no one's found the Black Knight yet.
I can help, as it happens.
We know each other from way back.
Pardon me
and I'll show you his hideout.
Why are you waiting? Let them go.
You haven't a clue where he's hiding.
- Oh, but I do.
Hi, there!
- Hey! We've got a job to do.
Lanze, you're so uptight.
Have you considered
how I'm to pursue the Black Knight?
On foot?
Surely the good knight agrees?
How may I be of service?
- We need a horse.
Well, then you're a lucky duck.
What model is that one?
- It's a Japanese one.
Lanze, what do you think about it?
It has to be fast, that's all.
- Thanks for the help.
What do you want to use it for?
Do you just want to ride it
in the city?
Or more on country lanes?
We're going to save
King Gunther's daughter.
Oh. Well in that case
a more sturdy steed would be fitting.
Something small and maneuverable.
Yes, a foreign model. The mustang.
- Well, I don't know.
It's still pretty big.
- We don't carry dwarf ponies.
I only said there must be
a model smaller than this.
I've got just the thing for you.
They don't come any smaller.
A new model from France.
France?
- They call it...
the Duck.
What's that?
Doesn't say cuckoo,
doesn't have a trunk,
doesn't produce milk.
I think it's a duck.
And how am I to ride on it?
- It was a joke.
It wasn't funny.
- Shall I draw a picture?
Just give us your most expensive
small horse.
Lanze, it's amazingly comfortable.
You really must try it out.
It'll make our rescue mission
more relaxed.
Pardon me, good lady.
If I may be so bold...
You have an unbelievable aura.
Huh? - I'm a director searching for
a fresh piece for my face.
Come again?
- No, I mean the other way around.
I need a fresh face for my new piece.
No bullshit?
- As sure as I'm sitting here.
And I have potential?
- What are you doing?
This number never fails.
- Don't even consider it.
Excuse me, but we may face
months of deprivation.
The Princess may have years
of deprivation ahead of her. Let's go.
Work! But I'll be back.
Promise?
- Promise.
Bye.
- Bye. - Bye.
Would you stop? I'll take you back.
Here we are.
- The Black Knight is here?
It's one of his hideouts.
I suggest you wait here and cover me.
It was great. As usual.
Bye, my dear.
- Bye. - Bye.
Oh, hello.
Would you like to come in?
Hello, who do we have here?
I'm looking for a...
- I know what you want. Trisha?
What's your name, cutie?
- Lanze.
Lanze?
- Yes.
Something's pretty hard already.
- That's my groin cup.
What for?
For my testicles.
- Let's take it off then.
No, there seems to be
a misunderstanding.
I'm looking for a young foreign man.
- Oh, so you're one of them?
I'm sorry. You're at the wrong place.
You'll have to go to the Austrians.
Thank you.
Just a minute, please.
You pig!
She's just riding
my misaligned vertebrae back in place.
I'm a chiropractor.
Honest.
Chiropractor!
How dumb do you think I am?
It's just a plain old brothel.
What would you have done
with a noose?
You have no clue
where the Black Knight is, right?
Okay, you're right.
But I know someone
who knows it for sure. Honest.
If you're lying to me again...
- Lanze, I swear by the Virgin Mary.
Hah! You Turks are 99% Moslem.
- Smarty pants.
Lanze, use your head. If you subtract
99 from 100, what's left?
Tough. One.
- Thanks, ante up.
No privileges. - Never fear.
- Shut up!
He's gone.
Can I get your autograph?
Not for me. For my youngest girl.
She told me not to come home
without one.
You want my autograph?
- She really wants one.
Okay.
What's her name?
- Chantalle.
With two l's and an e.
Exactly.
It's really nice of you.
By the way, I'm Bernd.
- Herzelinde.
I knew that already.
What's he planning to do with me?
- I don't know. Really.
What happened to the other ladies
he abducted?
There aren't any other ladies here.
Walter is a complete sociopath.
He was the Black Knight's pupil for a
week. He had problems with authority.
He couldn't accept
someone else being the boss.
After getting kicked out,
Sattler went on vacation in England
and met a guy who's a superstar now.
Maybe you've heard his name?
Robin Hood.
Anyway, this Robin Hood is a bit odd.
Steals from the rich and gives
to the poor. A total oddball.
Sattler thought he could copy it
since it was so successful.
Although he skipped the part
about giving to the poor.
Hey, are you starving too?
Anyway, I thought we'd dress you up
as a minstrel.
Minstrel?
- Sure! You've heard of his fame
and you want to write songs about him
for posterity.
I'm a knight, not a gay songbird.
The majority of men
who reject homosexuality
are afraid of being gay themselves.
Especially in male-dominated jobs.
Your order, please.
What'll you have? Spit-roasted pig?
I'm not really hungry.
A half spit-roasted pig, please.
- What?
A half spit-roasted pig!
What?
A half spit-roasted pig! To go, please.
What?
What's up with her?
A half pit-roasted pig! - What?
What's going on?
- Lanze! Excuse me, please.
You're mumbling terribly.
This is Lanze, a half spit-roasted pig.
The maxi grilled mutton, double mead,
with ketchup, no mayo. To go.
What?
- You deaf old bat!
Have you tomatoes in your ears?
The grilled mutton...
The grilled mutton...
you stinking cow.
Damn it!
- Sir?
Please don't destroy
the intercom, okay?
Otherwise our other guests
won't be able to order.
Okay?
Hey, you two princesses. Could you
get moving? Others are waiting too.
Hey!
I feel humiliated.
- What? You look great, Lanze.
Walter Sattler,
what a pleasure! Remember me?
It's me, Erdal.
- Erdal.
Nice to see you.
You bastard.
It wasn't a high-security bunker.
It was just a hole in the forest!
Who do you think I am? Well?
A nothing? A nobody you can toy with?
Kill him.
Wait.
Walter, because I don't think that,
and want to sincerely apologize,
I've brought you the famous minstrel,
Lanze... Iot.
Lanzelot?
He's had a number of hits already.
- Really?
The Song of the Nibelungs.
Don't know it.
- But you know this one:
By the gate near the fountain,
there was a linden tree...
Yeah, I know that one. A No. 1 hit.
- Exactly.
And the famous Lanzelot wants
to compose a No. 1 song about you.
Of course it's not easy being famous.
I know of enough others
who couldn't handle it and cracked.
And having to be a bad role model
for your own folk is stressful.
It's not that simple.
Forging plans...
Jeez!
I told you 1000 times
to secure the sword!
Secure it!
You know what?
I'll show you how it's done.
Men! We're going to rob the casino.
This is a hold-up!
Damn it! This is a hold-up!
Who do you think I am?
Tell them who I am.
- Hey! This is Walter.
My last name, you moron.
It would very nice
if you'd just listen up for a minute.
I present Walter Sattler,
and he wants to tell you something.
- Yeah! Yeah!
An arrow.
I could've done that too.
No matter! Hand over your gold,
you... you...
you... swines!
Do you know who you're robbing?
- Do you know who's robbing you?
Robin Hood?
Never heard of him.
I'm Walter Sattler, the one and only.
And now give me your valuables.
- You'll pay for this.
The 100 best quacks, the 100 best
smithies... Damned piece of junk!
I need a new pair of glasses. How much
faster can a qualified torturer work
compared to an average one?
Wheel or whip,
the rack or the Spanish Boots.
More importantly,
what do those affected think?
Well, those who survived,
or their family. Whatever.
I need facts, facts, facts!
And always keep the reader in mind.
- I want another lead story.
Knight Lanze: How he conned us all.
This paper offers a reward... yeah!
No, it can't be. Not Lanze.
They're lying. - I don't know if it
helps you, but he's not one of us.
What?
- He means a lot to you, huh?
What makes you think that?
- Well, I have 3 girls.
My Lanze...
Where is he now?
Do you have anything?
A couple of lines, a verse.
Hey, boss. I came up with something.
What's that on your face?
It could be our trademark.
Are you a complete fool?
We'd all look the same.
- Exactly.
If you want it to work...
You take a piece of cloth,
cut 2 holes for your eyes, snip-snip,
we tie it around our heads,
and there you have it!
Anything else?
You want an autograph?
- Sure, why not?
A couple of lines?
It's still very rough.
- I want to hear it.
Now?
- Yes.
Men, Lanze's going to sing a song.
- No, I won't.
Lanzelot!
Walter Sattler
Yes, he's widely known
His deeds
and his fruits homegrown
Even the carrots
And the... radish
The radish...
The radish...
And now my song is done
Magnificent.
Magnificent.
A masterpiece.
If you need to know anything else,
any questions, just ask.
Where did you receive your training?
Why do you want to know that?
I need the full picture of who
you are, and that includes...
Walter Sattler
Is the mightiest
And the Black Knight is the dumbest
The Black Knight?
- He's useless.
Completely useless!
- And where did you train?
He's a total nut.
- Where? Do you know where it was?
Sure.
- Where?
There.
Somewhere in the south.
- Where exactly in the south?
Whatever. Somewhere in the south.
No one cares.
What counts, what really counts,
is the Walter Sattler of today.
He knows where he lives!
- He knows nothing.
I'm making a fool of myself! For what?
"ln the south"!
- It still narrows things down.
I knew it.
You used me the whole time
just to get to the Black Knight. You
only wanted to write songs about him.
Everybody wants the Black Knight.
Admit it!
Everybody wants the Black Knight.
This is the end of it!
Silence, at last.
Lanze, what are you doing?
- Drawing.
Basic knight training. - Really?
- Yeah.
I thought you learned to smash
as many heads as quickly as possible.
That happens later, on the job.
But the perfect knight can do more.
Poetry, painting, singing.
- But you skipped singing lessons?
Want to see my favorite picture?
- I'd love to.
Who's that?
- It's Herzelinde.
I divided her up into geometric forms.
Here's her nose.
Lanze, with respect,
that's even worse than your singing.
It's art. Ahead of our time perhaps,
but it's art.
Lanze, some day we might have coaches
that don't need horses,
maybe they'll fly in the heavens too,
and maybe our kingdom
will be ruled by a woman...
with a hairdo like yours.
But that will never ever be art.
What do you know about art?
Did you even go to school?
- What do you mean?
Are you putting the dunce cap on me?
- I didn't mean it like that.
No, I unfortunately did not go
to school. Know why?
Because your wonderful King Gunther's
integration policies were a failure.
Where is the access to education
if you can't speak the language well,
if no one cares about you,
if you're just a token gift
from some crusade?
I'm sorry. I didn't mean it like that.
- You're sorry?
Yes, I'm sorry.
- Don't you think I had bigger plans
for my life than selling
fake real estate to big shots?
Actually, no.
Hey, where are you going with that?
I haven't seen a woman in weeks,
Lanze. I'm going to sharpen my sword.
Are you a little slow in the head?
I'm going to service my weapon.
To polish my dagger.
You're going to wipe down your lance?
- At last!
But not with Herzelinde's picture!
With what else then?
Your painting leaves me cold.
Give it back.
Fine, then. I'll just explode.
It's cold here.
- Come back to the fire,
you'll just catch a cold
and it'd slow us up.
Thanks for your compassion.
Lanze?
When we find Herzelinde,
will you tell her that you love her?
Who says I love her?
- Lanze,
you can't fool a Turk
when it comes to true love.
Tell her?
I'd rather take on 20 Black Knights.
- Know what? We'll practice it.
Oh, Lanze! Hello.
Lanze, I knew you'd come to save me.
Lanze, say something. Play along.
- What?
Whatever you'd tell her in real life.
Hark, Princess...
- Lanze, try again.
Lanze, keep acting like that
and you'll never get me.
What did I do wrong?
- I'm sulking.
She's sulking.
Lanze, I'll show you. Okay?
Princess Herzelinde?
If I had to climb the highest mountain
or ride through the deepest valley
or swim the most turbulent river,
I'd never rest till I found you,
Princess Herzelinde.
Oh, Lanze.
Princess, I have to tell you
something important.
What, Lanze?
Princess, l...
I love you.
- Oh, Lanze! I love you too.
And now give it to me.
Down and dirty on the dungeon floor.
Just kidding. Write it down.
I don't need to.
- Are you sure?
Yes, I can remember it.
- Really sure?
Yes, I'm not stupid.
- Fine. Nothing can go wrong now.
How can I be of service?
- We seek the Black Knight, please.
Lanze, you need to be
more open to progress.
Information technology is the future.
- That'll be 2 guilders.
2 guilders? Outrageous!
Is your Black Knight around...
four years old?
- What?
Sorry, wrong number.
Knight with "kn" or just "n"?
With "kn."
- Oh.
I'm no good at reading and writing.
- Me neither.
I know.
Now I see things much more clearly.
- So which way do we go?
To the south.
- We know that already. Where exactly?
You need to toss in more money.
Don't push your luck, witch.
You need to go far to the south,
to the inn at the end of the world.
There you shall be told
where your Black Knight hides,
by one of your soul mates.
A soul mate of mine?
What does it mean, dear witch?
You'll find out there.
- And it says all that in your ball?
Sure.
What is it? - You'll be tortured
somewhere where you've been before.
Will I be tortured too?
- No.
You'll be dead by then.
I'm joking.
It says here that your body
will become your weapon
on the day you decide to act
like a hero instead of a coward.
My body, a weapon?
- The ball says so, not me.
Oh, Mr. Knight,
sex is a wonderful thing.
You're a virgin, aren't you?
Lanze, are you really still a virgin?
You're really a virgin, huh?
Tell me the witch
has a wrong number again.
No, I don't. Not this time.
It'll be lovely.
So lovely.
Erdal, we're leaving.
INN AT THE END OF THE WORLD
Who's supposed to be
my soul mate here?
A nutty witch, I'm telling you.
And where's the waiter?
Don't they want to make money here?
A spring water and a mead.
Lanze!
Lanze, you're in the paper!
I can't believe it.
You're such a humble person
and in reality you're
probably the best known knight
in the whole kingdom! Lanze!
Hey!
Is there anyone here who can read?
I can read well enough for that paper.
My good man, come here.
Please do come.
Isabella eagerly awaits her bed.
Our lovely damsel eagerly awaits
her strong knight for a pillow fight.
No, no. Up here, my good man.
Knight Lanze...
My buddy.
The dastardly betrayer of the king
is still on the run.
Gunther, worried sick...
That's enough, my good man.
Sit down. You did a great job.
Reward: 10,000 guilders.
Today's my lucky day.
Erdal, my sword.
Are you the Black Knight?
I'm just Roberto.
I'm no knight. I'm just a token gift
from some crusade. - Me too.
And are you a small-time crook?
And you lie more often
than you tell the truth?
But deep in your heart
you know there's more to you
that hasn't been discovered yet?
And you love wild berry gum?
You're real fun, you know that?
There's always time for fun.
Roberto, you don't know by chance
where the Black Knight is?
Black Knight?
I deliver beverages to a fellow
in black armor. Totally nutty.
Thanks, Roberto.
Lanze...
It's still too early.
The lovely buffet. All garbage now.
Roberto, wait. What if we put it all
in a piece of bread? Here, look.
Some meat,
a few tomatoes,
herbs,
a bit of onion.
Look. You can hold it really well.
It tastes great.
You have to try it, Roberto.
It's fantastic. It's so... muttony.
Sell this in the city,
and you'd be rich.
A great idea, Roberto.
We just need a name for it.
It has to be catchy. - Catchy?
Yes.
MlBTAH.
Mutton in bread with tomato and herbs.
"Mutton in bread with tomato
and herbs to go, please!"
Sounds crappy, huh?
Hey, pixie-head. Give me a swing.
I've got a head of iron.
Thanks for the help.
While you tried with brute force,
I've already found out
where the Black Knight lives.
You should see how Lanze helps me
into the coach. He's so careful,
as if I were a raw egg. And he says
things like "Hark, Princess,
a head like that gets easily bumped."
Sounds a bit like a total idiot.
No, yeah. I mean
sometimes he's a little awkward,
but that makes him all the more sweet.
Or when we have Code Yellow.
Code Yellow?
Yes, a security level at the castle.
Increased chances of kidnapping.
He stands before my door the whole
night to make sure I'm safe.
Sometimes I'm completely certain
he feels the same for me as I for him.
And sometimes...
I think that he's...
He doesn't understand a thing?
Yes, exactly.
You must be a great father.
I try hard.
Why are you here? You're different.
I had problems with drugs in my youth.
And I'm from an immigrant background.
My grandparents are Austrian.
Ouch!
And I have a wife and daughters
who I have to feed.
It's a catch-22.
What's this?
I'm guarding her. Honest.
Shut up!
I just wanted to...
Shut up. - Okay.
Fine.
What'll happen to me?
You're the victim
of a dastardly intrigue, my dear.
That must be it.
A windmill?
Pretty corny for the most dangerous
man in the kingdom.
There he is, the Black Knight.
He's turned his back to us.
Sneak up and stab him in the back.
Not an ounce of honor in you!
Are you the Black Knight?
Who wants to know?
The one who asks.
Don't do something you'll regret.
Excuse me. I have a suggestion.
Why don't we just say it was a tie?
A tie? I'm still in one piece.
Sorry, but this is really childish.
It's getting silly.
We'll never find the Princess this way.
What princess?
Princess Herzelinde.
Herzelinde? Don't have one.
I've got a Brunhilde.
Actually, two. And even a Hildegard,
but Herzelinde...
I don't have.
You kidnapped Princess Herzelinde.
When did I do that?
A month ago.
A month ago?
But I retired years ago.
Someone's played you for a fool.
We'll soon see. Erdal, the gauntlet.
Here.
No court in the world would admit it.
Someone's fooling you.
Don't take it to heart.
You'll find the right man, okay?
You want to come around to the back?
I mean, can I treat you
to a herbal mead? A cool one.
I don't drink.
It's non-alcoholic.
This is my little empire.
Make yourselves at home.
You're the best swordsman
I've ever faced.
I set them all free
once the ransom was paid, but...
somehow none of them wanted to return
to their patriarchal marriage,
you get it?
Lanze, I think we're in heaven.
Watch out, a Turkish bomb.
Yeah!
Then one time I kidnapped the wife
of a scholarly man.
She had occupied some castles
before marrying or something,
and she introduced
some new windmill law.
They called themselves
the grassroots democratic feudalists.
With time, it was implemented here.
We agree on everything,
like who goes shopping,
who takes out the trash,
who separates it,
if it's okay to smoke in here, etc.
Is that alright with you, yes?
Yes.
And it works?
I can't imagine a better system
than the monarchy.
Yes, it works.
It's okay.
Though I do have to sit when I pee.
But that's a lot of trouble.
Trouble, yes.
But it's grassroots democracy.
If I sit to pee, then I can smoke.
What about the legends,
the atrocities, the plundering?
A bad image is good for business
when you're in the kidnapping sector.
Yes, what is it, my pretties?
We just heard that Lanze's a virgin.
Thanks, Erdal.
I didn't know
you had a problem with it.
Don't laugh at him!
Is it really true, Lanze?
Yes, I'm a virgin.
What's so bad about that?
You act as if it were contagious.
It isn't.
Well, I thought I'd save myself
for Herzelinde.
Even if I may never have her.
That's really sweet, Lanze. I'm sure
Herzelinde would find it romantic.
But to tell you the truth,
you're not doing anyone a favor.
That's right.
Either Herzelinde marries a prince,
and all that saving yourself
was for nothing,
or you and Herzelinde get married,
and you flop on your wedding night.
Well said.
Come on, Lanze.
We need to show you something.
What?
Something beautiful.
Come.
Excuse me? Can't you show me too?
Sorry, another time.
Ladies?
Erdal and I need a private moment.
Would it be okay if you left us alone?
Yeah, do you agree?
Yeah, sure.
Vote.
A clear majority.
Thanks, I love you all.
What is it?
It tickles a little.
Loosen up. Relax.
I'm trying,
but it's not really working.
We'll be gentle with you, okay?
And... what now?
Let's lie down together.
Do you hear anything?
Isn't it nice to be with like minds?
I don't hear a thing.
Fear not. Close your eyes and enjoy.
I'm cold.
Can I put on my shirt again?
Lanze!
If there's anything... if something
makes you uncomfortable,
just say "stop."
Stop.
Now we know how you got your name.
I bet they regret
not taking me along too.
Holy Toledo!
I really needed that.
Okay, good luck.
And bye-bye.
And you really have to leave?
We need to inform Prince Gustav
to put an end to the conspiracy.
And if you're in the neighborhood,
stop by. No problem.
Honestly, okay?
When you find the princess, say hi.
She's super.
Yes, she is.
Thanks.
Princess!
I should've known.
I think I've shown you
enough of your options.
Your choice shouldn't be
too difficult now.
If I may?
My dear Count,
unfortunately I lack the ability
to humiliate myself completely.
I'd rather rot in here
than go anywhere with you.
You have no choice, Princess.
Oh, but I do.
My little bunny.
You'll be sorry yet.
You're all dirty.
Tonight we'll have a bubble bath.
The two of us
will have lots of fun together.
Au revoir, Princess.
I can't believe it! What's that?
Well, if your suspicions are right,
who can we trust?
No one.
Until we find out who's behind it all.
We have to find the castle bartender
who gave me the fake spring water.
You mean the one-eye?
What?
I never told you that.
How else would I know?
Gustav!
I'm growing roots here!
I want to keep playing.
Georg, be gone.
I won't wait much longer.
Someone must have made
the black suit of armor for him.
That's it!
We need to look for the smithy.
The one-eye...
That's my dagger.
Watch out! Fire!
My King, I told you so.
Lanze is the Black Knight.
Gustav, what are you talking about?
And when he realized that I knew,
he killed the smithy.
Prince Gustav, look.
What is that?
The black suit of armor.
The evidence is clear.
Lock him up and torture him
until he says where the Princess is.
Arrest him!
Gentlemen, wait! You can't do that.
I'm an innocent foreigner. This will
have diplomatic repercussions.
Now we're back
where everything began.
Almost romantic, in a way.
Remember you're innocent. With justice
on your side no harm will come to you.
I'll pray for you.
The Ottoman first.
What?
Why me and not him?
We go by the alphabet. It's the rule.
E comes before L.
I can't read.
I'll tell you everything.
I didn't do anything.
Honorable dungeon master, I swear
I know nothing.
Lanze forced me to help him.
Lanze is the Black Knight.
He kidnapped Princess Herzelinde
and killed the smithy. Know what?
He draws sick pictures. You have to
see them. They'll warp your head.
And I bet the plague last winter
is his doing too. If you're looking
for Princess Herzelinde,
ask him, not me.
They didn't get a peep out of me.
Next, please.
I'll ask you one last time,
where is the Princess?
Ask Prince Gustav.
Any other ideas?
We could read him the poems
written by the King.
Let's try the coward again.
Yes.
But why me again?
Quit your yapping. It's your turn.
Sir dungeon master, I beg you!
I've already told you everything.
We can't go home until we have her.
That's true. Okay, I'll tell you
where Princess Herzelinde is.
But if someone asks you,
you didn't hear it from me.
Who else would've told me?
I don't know.
The Frog Prince.
lnsulting the royal family?
Be gone. You can continue later.
You had to be so damn successful
and find the Black Knight!
You should've fled to Asia or ltaly.
I said the exact same thing.
How could you, Gustav?
Gambling debts.
After you had 3 spring waters and
went to bed, I gambled a bit.
But I couldn't pay my gambling debts.
Count Trumpf made me a great offer.
He'd release me from my debts,
and I'd get him Princess Herzelinde.
And you already know the rest.
The whole thing has other benefits.
When the King suddenly dies
a surprising death
and the Princess is too busy
serving the Count,
I, Prince Gustav,
will become king.
King Prince Gustav.
And after you, the kidnapper,
die a horrible death tomorrow,
I shall finally be
the best swordsman
in the entire kingdom.
How I've waited!
Always number 2!
Why do you think I gamble?
Always behind the trusty knight,
Lanzelot. It makes me sick, you know?
Lanzelot,
my only friend.
I take my leave from you.
Prince Gustav, don't go.
Save me. Take me with you.
I'll do anything for you.
Ask anything of me!
Look at me. I'll be your monkey.
Off with you, you useless toad.
As if I needed the help
of a small-time huckster.
We'll send flowers to the widows!
Not even in the face of death
can you show strength of character.
Prince Gustav was right.
You're a toad.
But a clever toad.
We've no time to lose.
Let's go to the Count's castle.
To the Count? Hey!
Someone's about to snuff you out!
Look at you. You're seriously injured
and now you want to save the Princess?
You'll never become a knight, Erdal.
Lanze, listen to me.
They have 10,000 archers,
100,000 sentries!
We'll never make it out alive.
Do what you want. You know what?
I'll do what the Prince suggested.
I'm hightailing it to the south.
I thought you were my friend.
So this is it.
So this is it.
Mr. Director!
I'll get the lead role in your play?
Yeah, yeah.
You know, I talked about it
with a girlfriend last week.
Cleaning hooves day after day
isn't fulfilling.
I want to be on stage.
The crowds, the applause...
Applause, applause, applause.
What's that?
My chastity belt.
And what's the combination?
It needs a key.
So where's the key?
Silly me, I lost it.
Locksmith!
No, he knocked off at 5.
How does your play end?
What?
You stopped when Lanze and Erdal save
the Princess from the Count's clutches.
No, not Erdal.
He's doing the right thing.
He's hightailing it to the south.
After all that, he's running away?
And after the witch...
The witch? She's full of crap.
At last!
No, sorry, I've gone off the idea.
Why, what's wrong?
I thought they had become friends.
And now that coward leaves him
high and dry? What a crappy play.
You're sure it's the leading role?
Come on.
Now what?
I think my body
has transformed into a weapon.
What about Lanze?
He's being tortured to death.
I'd love to have been there.
I heard you talked with my cousin.
That wretch!
You are too kind, my Count.
I know. What can I do?
Maybe a thrashing?
You're right.
I was too polite. Guard!
Yes, my lord?
Bring me the Princess.
Where's the key?
What key?
You meant this key?
Turn around.
Not my nose. Anywhere but my nose.
Your head?
Yes, thanks.
Lanze!
Oh, I knew you'd come.
You're injured.
Sorry.
Princess Herzelinde...
What is it? Well?
Even if I had to swim
the deepest mountain... Huh?
Even if I had to climb
the most turbulent valley...
Nonsense.
Did you hear that?
What?
There was a noise.
It was nothing.
Oh yes. I'd better check.
What did you want to say, Lanze?
I'll be right back.
Damn it! What an idiot.
Everything okay, Lanze?
Princess, stay in your cell.
The... the guard's going for help.
No, I won't. Just ignore me.
You'd like that, you rascal.
Not on the nose.
That was close.
What are you doing? Bernd's nice.
Oh, I didn't hit him that hard.
What did you want to tell me?
Princess Herzelinde,
I...
Yes?
I...
Yes, Lanze?
l... - I love you.
But I wanted to say that.
Well, then say it!
Okay, Princess Herzelinde, I love you
and have done for a long time.
Now we have to go, and quickly.
What's going on here?
Hey, fool.
Where's the Princess?
Not on the nose.
Idiot! Raise the alarm!
Alarm!
That wasn't very friendly.
Friends, we have to hurry. Come on.
Oh, Lanze, are you hurt?
Gustav?
It's the end of the line for you.
But I'll give you a fair chance
because I'm a nice prince,
and you're my best friend.
An eye for an eye,
a tooth for a tooth.
Sword... against sword.
Well, what's up?
You're not going to chicken out?
You're the best.
Lanze, are you crazy?
You can't move your right arm.
The bump looks good on you.
Did it hurt? Come on.
Pick up your big sword.
Good opening move.
No!
Looks like you'll always be No. 2.
Oh, my bump.
Archer! Archer!
Yeah, I'm coming.
Kill him.
As you wish.
But Prince Gustav is in the way.
So what! Fire!
You jest, Count.
I can't believe it!
Do I look like a joker?
Hard to say.
Stop your yapping
and fire!
I can't stand the slimeball anyway.
You're nuts.
I'm one of you, one of the bad guys!
Fire!
My lovely butt.
My mistake, sorry.
Reload! Keep firing!
Drop your weapons.
The Black Knight.
Awesome!
Fire!
Too much crosswind.
Not him, you idiot,
him!
Hello?
I'm out, Count.
Me too, loser.
Archer!
Archer! Archer!
I can't believe it! Get back!
Get back!
That must really hurt.
Sorry.
Not a minute too soon. Lanze,
you will come to visit us?
You can bring the dear Princess too.
Thanks.
Lots of luck, you two.
With my connections,
I won't sit in the dungeon for long.
Then we can continue with our liaison.
It didn't hurt a bit.
Oh, my fox. My fox is on fire!
Call 91 1!
This will have repercussions,
you toad.
You've got the fat ass.
You're off to the gallows.
You're off to jail. Take him away!
What?
Don't stand around! Him too!
Ah, my poor fox. I'm sorry.
Where's Walter?
He's finally having therapy.
Men, we'll give the money
to the poor.
Yeah!
Daddy!
Herzelinde!
I missed you so much.
Me too.
Never before has a knight better
chances with a princess than you now.
King Gunther,
I know I'm just a knight
and I have no right to it,
and despite the fact
that you might put me in jail...
I love your daughter.
And I ask you for her hand.
Lanze, I shall never forget you
for bringing my daughter back.
But please, don't get out of place.
I know where it is.
Next to Herzelinde, she's mine!
You're a bodyguard. She's a princess.
It's impossible.
You can promote him.
I can do anything. I'm King.
Please, Daddy.
Please!
Don't start with your pleases.
Please.
Not in the church.
Anyway, there's a tasty buffet later.
Lanze, you know how weddings are.
You're starved by the time
there's food. - What's that?
Doner kebab.
Doner kebab?
Catchy name, huh?
Roberto's idea.
What does it mean?
I think it's the abbreviation for
"One mutton in bread with tomato
and herbs to go, please."
Ladies and gentlemen, hark!
Our beloved King Gunther.
The king of kings.
The mightiest of them all.
The wisest of them all.
The most merciful of them all.
The most just of them all.
Does it still hurt?
You're ravishing. I'm so happy for you.
The most sensitive of them all.
The proudest of them all.
The most elegant of them all.
With his daughter,
the enchanting Herzelinde.
The most virginal...
Done.
So, does it taste good?
Herzelinde,
do you take Sir Lanze
as your lawfully wedded husband,
to love and to honor,
until death do you part?
Yes, I do.
And do you, Lanze,
take Herzelinde
as your lawfully wedded wife,
to love and to honor,
until death do you part?
Yes, I really, really do.
Then you may kiss.
FOR EMMA, LlLLl, LUNA AND VALENTlN
Walter Sattler, he's widely known
His deeds and his fruits homegrown
Mr. Sattler?
And the carrots and the radish
And now my song is done
It'll be a No. 1 hit.
Yep.
I'll show you a few pictures, then you
tell me what you associate with them.
The Black Knight.
The Black Knight.
Take it easy. Look...
Take it easy, Mr. Sattler.
The Black Knight.
Take it easy.
Black...
Take it easy.
Yes, we definitely have
a problem here.