1941 (1979) - full transcript

[ Wind Howling ]

[ Bird Squawking ]

[ Bird Wings Fluttering ]

[ Bird Cawing ]

[ Sea Gull Calling ]

Oh! Oh!

[ Sinister Music Playing ]

[ Gasps, Screams ]

[ Screaming ]

[ Screaming ]

[ Men Speaking Japanese ]



[ Japanese Continues ]

[ Sighs ]

[ German ]

[ Shouts ln Japanese ]

- [ Replies in Japanese ]
- [ Shouts ]

[ Japanese ]

- [ Speaking German, Japanese ]
- [ Japanese ]

[ Muttering ln Japanese ]

[ Muttering ln German ]

- [ Soldier ] Hollywood!
- [ Woman Screaming ]

[ Shouting ln Japanese ]

- [ Woman Screaming ]
- [ Muttering ]

- [ Shouts ]
- [ Screams ]

[ Shouting ln Japanese ]



- [ Screams ]
- [ Grunts ]

- [ Woman Screaming ]
- [ Shouting ln Japanese ]

[ Shouting ]

[ Shouting ln Japanese ]

- Hollywood!
- [ Shouts ]

[ Japanese ]

[ Exasperated Murmur ]

♪♪ [ Swing Band ]

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

Better get your mind off that dame and back on
the job or we'll never get outta here.

This war's been goin' on
for the last ten years.

You had Japs
in Manchuria in 1931,

the Eye-ties
in Ethiopia in 1935,

the Krauts been blitzkrieging
your favorite European tourist
attractions the last 3 years.

Last year in Africa,
it took General O'Connor and
his British tanks two months...

to grab Libya and it took
Rommel 12 days to get it back.

TREE: That's the kind of tough
customer We're gonna be dealing with.

What's your problem, Kid?
You got ants in your pants?

No, I was just kind of
practicing some dance steps.

Dance steps?
Mmm-hmm

Do you got somethin'
to be dancing about, bub?

I don't know. Maybe I do.

-Maybe you do?
-Yeah.

Well, there's a war on, pal.

and I want to know
why you're not in uniform.

I want to know what you're
doin' dancin' around tables.

I want to know why
you're not in the Army.

- 'Cause I don't take
orders from anybody.
- A tough guy, huh?

- Whoa!
- [ Woman Gasps ]

[ Wally ]
Are you okay? I'm really sorry.

- I'm terribly sorry.
- You got egg on my uniform.

- I'm very sorry.
- I hate eggs.

- Eggs are good for you.
- I can't stand eggs. I hate eggs.

- Look out, Wally.
- Watch it! He's got a leg.

- [ Shouting, Groaning ]
- That ain't the way you do it!

Can it, Sitarski!
Save it for the Japs!

For cryin' out loud, Sarge.
Look at this bozo.

Anybody who wears a shirt
like that is askin' for it.

He's an American, Sitarski.

If it's one thing we don't want, it's
seeing Americans fighting Americans.

I won't stand for that.
Not here, not anywhere.

We've had our chow.
Move out.

- You okay, kid?
- You're not gonna tip him,
are ya, Sarge?

- That's okay. I don't need your tip.
- I think you do.

Get rid of that shirt.
It's in bad taste.

Come on! Clean them floors up
like I told ya!

Floors haven't been washed
in 10 years. It'll take me all night.

I don't give a damn
if it takes 20 years.

He can't work tonight.
Tonight's his big night.

- Tonight's the night
of the Jitterbug contest.
- Jitterbug? Hell!

That reminds me. Kill them
cockroaches in that flour sack.

- Pop, he can't work. He's gotta dance!
- [ Groans ]

Oh, no.

Fill 'er up.
Ethyl.

Where?

[ Newscaster ]
It was just a case of war nerves.
Two squadrons of Japanese Zeroes--

[ Man ] The Japs tried to bomb
San Francisco last night.

Two squadrons of Jap Zeroes.
I've been trackin' them ever since.

I lost them
somewhere over Fresno.

[ Man ] Radio says that's not true
about San Francisco.

- It was just a case of war nerves.
- War nerves?

- Yeah.
- Who said, "war nerves"?

I heard it
on that radio there.

- Radio's wrong.
- [ Woman ] Oh, my God!

Oh, shit!

Oh!

Stop that plane!

Stop! Stop!
Damn it! Stop!

[ Sirens Wailing ]

Madness. It's the only word
to describe it.

This isn't the state of California.
This is a state of insanity.

[ Woman ] General Stilwell,
Colonel Grant suggests dispatching...

guard units to all
the city reservoirs.

Intelligence suspects that
Fifth Columnists are going to...

"pour poison into
the water supply."

And G-2 should pour knockout
drops into the water supply.

Maybe the people of the city would
calm down and leave the war to the Army.

[ Sirens Wailing ]

Here he comes!

- You have a telegram
from Colonel Maddox, sir?
- Madman Maddox?

- What does he want?
- Troops, sir.

Troops? It's a practice bombing range
in Barstow in the middle of the desert.

What's he want troops for?
Give me that.

"Request emergency troops.
Invasion imminent.

Suspect hidden Jap airfield
in Pomona alfalfa fields."

I blame myself.
I put that lunatic out there.

Jesus H. Christ, DuBois.
Is that the General's new secretary?

Yes, sir.
She came in from G-2 this morning.

- Not bad, huh?
- Not bad? She's a goddess.
A goddamn goddess!

That is Donna Stratton.
I knew her back in Washington.

She has got this thing
for planes.

One of those real
high-flyin' types, huh?

I've never seen
anything like it.

She's got planes
on the brain.

His brother had all those
political connections in Georgia.
What could I do?

Tell him to hold his position.
I'll send someone up there later .

[ Stilwell ] Where's Birkhead?
He's supposed to have my lunch.

[ Donna ]
B-17.

[ Gasps ]
Ooh.

No man has ever gotten to first
base with her on the ground.

But get her into a plane, she'll bat
your balls right out of the park.

- You can fly, sir?
- Who said anything about flying?

I just gotta get her into that plane.
I'll fake the rest.

- [ Gasps ]
- Hello, Donna.

Donna Stratton, after all this time.
How long has it been?

Not long enough.

You're not still sore,
are you, Donna?

Yes! ln
a number of places.

[ Laughing ]
Same old Donna.

Listen, I got a great idea.

Why don't we get together for dinner
tonight? We got a lot to talk about.

[ Laughing ]

What could you and I
possibly have to talk about?

Airplanes.

I seem to recall that you always
had a very keen interest in aircraft.

Now, take this B-17,
for example.

A woman like you is bound
to appreciate a plane like the 17.

After all, it's big.
It's the biggest one here.

You know what else?
It's got a lot of range.

- You know what I mean
by range, don't you?
- Oh, sure.

It can stay up for a long time.
A very long time.

It's built firm
and solid.

It has to be, because of its
tremendous forward thrust.

And when this baby
delivers its payload,

devastating.

[ Both Laughing ]

- Oh, Captain.
Let's get something straight.
- Please do.

I don't like you.
I don't like the way you act.

I especially don't like
your immature sexual innuendoes.

- I was just kidding.
- The B-17 happens to be...

- the most valuable
strategic air bomber...
- Damn it!

- When I went to flight school,
we were taught to secure these.
- in the United States Air Corps.

I didn't know you
went to flight school.

I only logged in a couple of hours
in a little Beechcraft Trainer...

before I got kicked out--
upstairs to become the General's aide.

- But can you fly the B-17?
- B-17?

- Can you fly the B-25?
- A plane's a plane.

- Can you fly the 24 Liberator?
- Propeller and four wings.

Can you fly
the 38 Lightning?

You can fly one,
you can fly them all.

Sure, I could fly the 17.

I'm sorry, Captain.
I didn't realize you had a serious
interest in strategic bombers.

Donna, my interest
is very strategic.

How would you like me
to show you the cockpit?

[ Airplane Passes Overhead ]

Uh-huh. I'm lost.

[ Murmurs ]
Uh-oh. Uh-oh.

Oooh!

[ Grunts ]

- [ Squeaking ]
- Huh?

- [ Squeaking Continues ]
- Huh?

[ Squeaking ]

Oh.

Ah.

♪ The stars at night
are big and bright ♪

[ Squeaking ln Rhythm ]

♪ Deep in
the heart of Texas ♪

[ Squeaks ]

Starved.

Can opener!

[ Glass Shattering ]

Ha-ha! Ho-ho!
Ha-ha!

[ Birkhead ]
Clear the props!

Boost pump on.
Energize. Engage. Ignition!

Are we cleared for takeoff?

[ Imitating Radio Static ]
B-17, two, seven, one.

Cleared for takeoff
on runway one-eight.

Winds from the southwest.

- You want the stick?
- Yes, yes, yes. Give it to me.

All right. Now.

We are rolling.

We're rolling
down that runway...

faster and faster.

- I don't feel any thrust.
- Don't worry. You will!

You will.
All right, all right.

Max power!
We're past the point of rejection.

- Get your nose up!
Pull back on that stick!
- [ Airplane Passes Overhead ]

[ Grunts ]

- Oh, very good.
- [ Sighing, Panting ]

Landing gear up.

And now we're leveling off
at 20,000 feet.

Turn the wheel to the right.

Good. We're at 20,000 feet.

Ow!
[ Groans ]

- What's that?
- Nothing. It was a little turbulence.

We hit an air pocket.
Nothing to worry about.

Objectives in sight.

We peer down
the bomb sight.

We're on target.

We open
the bomb bay doors.

[ Whirring ]

[ Stilwell Continues,
lndistinct ]

We are getting
closer and closer.

We are
approaching target.

We are almost there.
Here we go, Donna. Here we go.

- Bombs away.
- [ Machinery Clattering ]

Who's playing in
the cockpit? Goddamn it!

- Mission scrubbed.
- Oh, Donna!

Sorry to have to bail out, Loomis,
but it just won't work on the ground.

I tried it in the simulator once.
It was no good there either.

We've got to be airborne.

But, Donna, listen.
We'll try a different flight plan.

We are divebombing Tokyo.
[ Imitating Automatic Gunfire ]

I'd like to say
one final word about bombs.

The eventuality of an air raid
on this city is highly unlikely.

Oh, Donna. You can't do this
to me. You don't know what
I've been through today.

Loomis, my father was a drill
sergeant in the Marine Corps.

He taught me how to defend
myself. Now, leave me alone.

Donna, please--

As long as I am here,
I can assure you,

there will be no bombs
dropped here.

[ Screaming ]

[ People Screaming ]

We think we've located
Captain Birkhead, sir.

♪♪

- [ Chattering ]
- Okay, okay.

Bye! See you later!

♪♪ [ Scatting ]
Bye-bye!

Maxine, I don't know why
I ever listen to you.

I can't do this to Wally. You know
he's been waiting a long time for this.

- He's even learning how to dance.
- Forget about Wally.

Think of all those soldiers and sailors
we'll be dancing with tonight.

- I can't forget about Wally.
- ♪♪ [ Humming ]

What are you gonna do? Turn your back
on those brave men in uniform...

so you can dance
with some criminal?

Wally is not a criminal.
He's just-- He's just original--

- He stole your father's car.
That's really original.
- [ Door Closes ]

- Wally? What are you doing here?
- [ Maxine ] Betty?

Oh, my God. If my father
catches you here, he'll kill you.

- Would you listen?
- You can forget
about the dance tonight.

They won't let you near
the place dressed like that.

It's a USO club now
for servicemen only.

- And we're hostesses.
- What do you mean, "hostesses"?

- That like a waitress?
- It means we can only dance
with servicemen.

Real men.

Oh, my God.
Here comes my father.

And he's got a gun!

- [ Laughing ]
- Quick, Wally. Go out the garage door.

I'll stall him.

[ Wally ]
Come on! Oh! Hello? Come on!

- Hi, Dad.
- Hi. How are you?

- Dad, I'd like you to meet my friend.
- Hi!

It won't open!

Dad, Dad,
I joined the USO.

Yes, I know. You told me, dear.
We all got to do what we can.

[ Betty, Maxine
Chattering ]

Aha!

Shit. I didn't hear any gunshots.
He must have got away.

What's that rug--
That's my hat!

Gus, Gus, wait
'til they step on it.

That's my brand-new hat.

[ Screams ]

[ Giggling ]

Surrender!

- Macey Douglas,
what is the meaning of this?
- What is this?

Jap trap. We're gonna cover it
over with sticks and stuff.

Dad says when the Japs
sneak up, they'll fall in.

[ Vacuum Whirring ]

- [ Gasps ]
- [ Vacuum Off ]

Ward Douglas.

- [ Truck Approaching ]
- Wow! Look what we're getting.

I will not have guns
in this house.

- [ Gasps ]
- Uh, excuse us, ma'am.

- Heads up!
- [ Woman Screams, Whimpers ]

- [ Whimpering ]
- Hello?

Sorry, ma'am. Our gun
kind of got away on us there.

- All right, move it back! Come on!
- Shit! Oh, sorry.

Come on, move it out!
Back it up, ya foul-ups.

Let's go, Reese.
Move it out easy now.

Come on, Foley.
Get in here and push.

- Gee whiz.
- Corporal Sitarski,
get on that wheel. Come on!

All right.
Sitarski, lock it up!

- Ow!
- Watch yourself.

Attention, Foley,
Sitarski, Reese, let's go!

Fall in on the double.
Hustle, hustle!

Oh, my God!
My roses!

Ten-hut! At ease.

Sir, Sergeant Frank Tree, United States
Army Tenth Armored Division.

Mr. Ward Herbert Douglas,
1313 Pelican Way?

Yes.

Uh-huh. The Coast Artillery Command
has determined your property...

to be strategically advantageous
for the installation...

of an enemy aircraft
defense battery.

What?

We want to put this 40 millimeter
antiaircraft gun in your yard, sir.

Joan, they want to put
this gun in our yard.

No. Absolutely not.
I refuse to let you...

bring the war into
my own front yard.

No!

Hello, hello, hello.

Sitarski! Quit goldbrickin'!
Go in that garage,

find a cement block and
stabilize that ordnance.

- Move it!
- Yes, sir!

- You heard your boss. Put me down.
- Anything you say, doll.

[ Gasps ]

- Come on, get the lead out!
Move, move, move!
- Yes, sir!

Sergeant, there's no way this gun
can go off by itself, is there?

Actually, I'm a motor pool
maintenance sergeant.

I don't know too much
about the gunnery stuff.

However, I can tell you this material
is a 40 millimeter automatic gun...

effective against
low-flying aerial targets.

The gun will displace a 1.96 pound,
high-explosive armor--

[ Tree ]
Projectile at 2,960 feet per second--

- Don't they teach you
manners in the Army?
- You're right. I'm sorry.

I'm Corporal Chuck Sitarski,
United States Army.

But, uh, my good friends
call me Stretch.

You shouldn't touch
the ordnance at all.

But more specifically, you should
never pull this hand-operating lever...

- to the rear.
- Never.

Do not push a clip of ammunition
down into the feed rollers here.

- You would never put the ammunition--
- No, sir. Never.

You never restore
this lever to firing position.

Do not make sure that this cover
is completely closed.

Never depress operator's
foot triggers here, here...

- and at the rear here.
- Never.

If an ordinary Joe
like me...

went to one of those
fancy USO dances,

and he saw an awful pretty
girl like you, and--

And he wanted to ask her
to dance,

- you think maybe she'd, uh, say, uh--
- Yes?

- Yeah.
- [ Giggles, Screams ]

Don't listen
to that jerk!

You!

You!

- You!
- You.

You... have a really
serious wardrobe problem, kid.

[ Wally ] It's isn't fair!
No! No!

[ Shouting ]

Put me down! No! No!
No, no, no, no, no!

I'm gonna be there at 8:00 in
front of the Crystal Ballroom.
I'll meet you there!

- No, you won't!
- Yes, I will!

- No, you won't!
- Yes, I will!

No, you won't.

[Japanese ]

[ Murmurs,
Speaks Japanese ]

[German]

- [ Japanese ]
- [ Japanese ]

[German]

[Japanese]

♪ Bring on your tough hoss ♪

♪ You never had one ♪

♪ That would set me
to guessin' or-- ♪

♪ Bother me none ♪

Does that gun work?

You ain't gonna shoot nobody,
are ya?

You ought to get some oil on that thing.
You shouldn't leave it settin' out.

- [ Japanese ]
- Down there?
What is it? A Winchester?

That's what I got,
a Winchester.

Lever action,
shoots like a house on fire.

You ought to try to pick one up--
Don't go stepping on me.

Ought to try to pick one up
while you're over here.

Damn good gun.

Ah!

- [ Japanese ]
- [ Sighs ]

You sneaky little bastards ain't
gettin' doodily shit outta me,

except maybe my name, rank
and social security number.

Wood, Hollis P.
Lumberjack.

Social security: 1-0-6...

4-3... 2-1-8-5.

Where Hollywood?

- Right here.
- What?

You're lookin' at him.

- Who?
- Hollis Wood.

Where?

I'm right here. Shoot.
Can't ya understand plain English?

- Hollywood?
- Huh?

- Where?
- Here!

Look. Where Hollywood?

North? South?

Oh. You want me to tell you
where Hollywood is.

Well, shoot. That's easy.
Hollywood is right--

Oh, no, you don't.

You thought you was gonna get me to show
you where Hollywood was, didn't ya?

Tried to sneak up on me
like ya did Pearl Harbor!

Bet you're gonna bomb
John Wayne's house, ain't ya?

- John Wayne-o?
- I knew it!

I knew it. I ain't gonna tell ya
one stinkin' thing.

You can torture me,
do anything you want to.

Jesus palomino.

A Nazi!
I knew it!

You're all in cahoots!

Let me tell you something,
Mr. Heinie Kraut,

I fought your kind
in the great war.

And we kicked
the livin' shit outta ya.

♪ Over there, over there ♪

♪ Send the word
Send the word over there ♪

- ♪ That the Yanks are comin'
The Huns are runnin' ♪♪
- [ Shouting ln German ]

[ Japanese ]

Hey! What do ya go
tearin' up my radio for?

What's the big idea?

[ Japanese ]

All right. Go ahead
and search me if you want to.

[ Japanese ]

One genuine American
jackrabbit foot.

[ Japanese ]

One authentic early American
hari-kari knife.

Pass it around, boys. Maybe
somebody's got a use for it.

One ten-cent box
of delicious,

nutritious,
caramel-coated Popperjacks.

[ Men Chattering ln Japanese ]

Doggone it,
this is my stuff.

[ Speaking German ]

- [ Japanese ]
- [ Men Speaking Japanese ]

[ Kleinschmidt
Speaking German ]

Compass.
[ Japanese ]

[ German ]

[ Japanese ]

[ Crew Laughing ]

[ Gulps ]

Banzai, my balls--
[ Coughs ]

- [ Japanese ]
- [ Coughing Continues ]

[ German ]

Let's see you try and find
Hollywood now, you scrawny little--

- Hey, boy, watch that knife.
- [ Japanese ]

[ Japanese Continues ]

[ Japanese ]

Prune juice.

Oh, no, you don't! Aah!

- ♪♪ [ Singing ln Japanese ]
- [ Sputtering, Coughing ]

- I love ferris wheels.
- Relax, Claude.
Everything's gonna be all right.

Here's what you gotta do.

If you hear or see any airplanes,
you pick up the phone,

you yell, "Army flash!"

- You got a direct line to
the lnterceptor Command.
- Hey!

Then you tell them exactly
what ya saw and where. Here.

You know my problem with heights.
I don't want to be
stuck up there with him.

Jesus Christ, Angelo.
They gave him a gun.

Don't worry. He got a license.
He's an expert shot.

Don't worry.
Try to adjust to him.

- To know him is to love him.
- Ow!

Don't worry.
You'll both be compatible.

If not, I'll get you a replacement.
Just sit down, Claude.

Remember, you're both
very vital to Civil Defense.

Safety bar?
We don't need no safety bar.

What happens
if we have to jump?

You keep the safety bar
locked at all times.

And remember, don't act up, Herbie,
like you did last summer.

No standing up
and no rocking.

You mean this thing
rocks? Whoa!

[ Claude ]
Whoa! Whoa!

[ Herb ] Don't worry.
You're perfectly safe.

Like a baby in its mother's arms.
You got nothin' to worry about.

I once swung around in
one of these things 180 degrees
and I didn't get hurt.

No, sir, buddy. There's no way
you can get killed in one of these,

unless you really try.

Like this one guy I knew.
He committed suicide.

He just stood up and did
a swan dive straight down.

Sit down, please.
Just stay seated, please.

Don't look down, Claude.
You'll be all right.

Up, up, up. I'll be back to pick you up
after your shift. Ciao.

Hey, this
grapefruit's rotten.

I'm gonna throw it away.
Is it all right with you?

All right, I'm gonna
throw it away.

Here it goes.
It's going. It's going.

It's going. It's going.

Going. It's going.
It's going.

Too bad I forgot
to time it.

If I'd timed it, I would have known
how long it took to hit the ground.

Because objects fall
at 32 feet per second.

Would you just shut up
about heights?

I don't want to hear
another word about heights.

- Boy, I sure hope the wind starts--
- Just shut up!

Now don't say
another word.

Scared of heights, huh?
Ha, ha, ha! Me too.

[ Japanese ]

[ Sighs ]

[ Japanese ]

You ain't gettin'
shit outta me.

I've been constipated all week and
there ain't a damn thing you can do about it.

[ Japanese ]

[German]

Now wait a minute, General!

I'm doin'
the best I can.

You gotta tell these guys
that I gotta have more privacy.

How in the hell do you expect a guy
to take a bowel movement...

with a bunch of buffalo rifles
a-pointin' at 'em?

I have enough problems
just pissin' in a public restroom.

[ Japanese ]

[ Japanese ]

[ German ]

[ German ]

[ Hollis Screaming ]

- [ Hollis Continues Screaming ]
- [ Japanese ]

- [ Screaming Continues ]
- Hmph!

[ Screaming ]

[ Murmuring ]

[ Chattering ln Japanese ]

[ Screaming ]

- Ahh!
- [ Chattering ]

[ Chattering ln Japanese ]

- [ Chattering Continues ]
- Huh?

- [ Screams ]
- [ Screaming ]
- [ Screaming ]

[ Toilet Flushing ]

All right, you!

[ Shouting ]

[ Shouting ]

[ Bullet Ricocheting ]

[ Conversing ln Japanese ]

- Get outta my way!
- [ Screams ]

- [ German ]
- God bless America!

- Hey! [ German ]
- [ Japanese ]

Let go of my foot,
you son of a bitch you!

[ Shouting ln German ]

[ Muttering ln German ]

- [ German ]
- [ Japanese ]

Which way's the damn beach?
Oh, shit!

[ Muttering ]

♪♪ [ Swing Band:
"Down By The Ohio" ]

Detail, assume defense positions
on the double!

- All right, move!
- [ Man ]
Clear all civilians outta here!

No civilians tonight.
Get 'em back.

Get 'em out there.
Keep 'em back.

Ah. Dumbo.

Sure be good to get my mind
off things for a while.

- [ Car Horn Honking ]
- [ Tires Screeching ]

Come on, I don't
want to miss Dumbo.

General Stilwell, sir,
an urgent message from Barstow!

-From Colonel Maddox, son?
-Sir, they're worried about an invasion.

Christ, I thought I told Maddox
to hold his position.
Birkhead, see what he wants.

I'm sorry, sir. My orders
are to give these directly to you.

"Request relief column.
Invasion imminent.

Murderers parachuting in
from the skies."

I'm getting that old
sinking feeling.

Excuse me, General, but
since it's a bombing range,

don't you think Colonel Maddox
would have some planes there, sir?

Some airplanes.

Yeah, well, he might have
a few planes there. So what?

Well, I seem to recall
a huge stockpile of bombs, sir.

Stock-- I'm missing the movie.
I'm missing the movie!

Considering Maddox's state of mind,
there's no telling what he might do.

I thought it might be wise
if I take a jaunt out there...

and see if I can't appease
the girl-- uh, the colonel, sir.

With your permission,
of course.

Take my car, go out there
and keep that maniac at bay.

- And don't let him get
his hands on an airplane.
- Yes, sir!

Sir, I'm going to take
a rain check on the movie.
I've got a splitting headache.

I'm sorry about your headache.
Can I call a car for you?

- No, sir, I think I can persuade
Capt. Birkhead to give me--
- Can I have my ticket?

Loomis, use your head. Everybody knows
you flunked out of flight school.

Trust me,
it'll never get that far.

[ Coughing ]

[ Tires Screech ]

- [ Horn Honks ]
- Whoa!

Thank you.

- Betty, I have to talk to you.

- Would you excuse us, sir?
- I wanna apologize for this afternoon.

- We have nothing to talk about now.
- Sir, we're late for the dance.

Don't go in there with him.
I know him. I know what he's like.

- Miss Douglas? Allow me.
- [ Groans ]

♪♪ [ Trumpets,
Swing Band ]

♪♪

♪ Down by the Ohio ♪

♪ I've got the cutest
sweetest oh-my-oh ♪

- ♪ He's just a country boy
who works around farms ♪
- Wally's in the street!

- ♪ But he has his charms ♪
- What?
- Hey!

- You wanna dance?
- No!

- You-- You wanna dance?
- No!

- ♪♪ [ Continues ]
- Care for a drink, Betty?
Gimme a couple of Cokes.

- I'm not hungry.
- Couple of donuts too.

Hey, you devil,
how about a deviled egg?

- Oh, no, I hate eggs.
- My grandmother made 'em.

- Would you care to dance?
- Yes.

Excuse us, please.
Listen.

That... is my
port of entry.

Believe me, walk away.
Just walk away.

I'm wa-- I'm walking away.
I'm walking.

- ♪ They're just very ordinary ♪
- Your donut, Betty.

- ♪ By that I mean ♪
- I'll get it.

- ♪ Those heartbreakers
haven't a chance ♪
- Wanna cut a rug with me?

- Maybe have a little
pick-me-up. We could--
- ♪ With my new romance ♪

- ♪ Down by the old Ohio ♪
- Maybe later.

♪ That's where I found him
I've got the cutest oh-my-oh ♪

Betty, I think it's getting
a little crowded around here.

- ♪♪ [ Continues ]
- Why don't we go and dance?

♪ And jumpin'
jeepers creepers ♪

- ♪ When I'm in his arms ♪
- That's the man for me.

♪ I get so oh-my-oh ♪

♪ He is the only-- ♪

[ Tuning, Static ]

- Aaah!
- ♪ --me so ♪

- ♪ He knows his chickens
and his cabbages too ♪
- [ Speaks Japanese ]

♪♪ [ Continues ]

♪ He's got that oh-my-oh
Oh-hi, oh-my ♪

♪ Just wait 'til I get back
to O-hi-o ♪

[ONSCREEN: Chains Clank ]

♪ Baby mine ♪

♪ Don't you cry ♪

♪ Baby mine ♪

♪ Dry your eyes ♪

♪ Rest your head
close to my heart ♪

- ♪ Never to part, baby of-- ♪♪
- [ Sniffles ]

- ♪♪ [ Continues ]
- [ Barking ]

[ Chattering
ln Spanish ]

- ♪ He knows his chickens
and his cabbages too ♪
- What's your real name, Sal?

♪ But where the dickens did
he learn to "woo-woo" ♪

- Raoul.
- I knew it.

Lipschitz.

♪ Just wait 'til
I get back to ♪

♪ O-hi-o ♪

♪ You may think
you've seen ♪

♪ Lovers on the screen ♪

♪ They're just very ordinary
By that I mean ♪

♪ Those heartbreakers
haven't a chance ♪

- ♪ 'Gainst my new romance ♪
- Betty!
- Wally!

Betty!

- ♪ Down by the old Ohio
That's where I found him ♪
- Wally!

- ♪ I've got the cutest oh-my-oh ♪
- [ Man ] Hey, come on!

You'll never drink in here again,
you drunken son of a bitch!

[ Laughing,
Shouting ln Spanish ]

♪♪ [ Continues, Faint ]

- ♪ I get so oh-my-oh ♪
- [ Panting ]

♪ He is the only one
who ever thrilled me so ♪

They want no drunks
botherin' and grabbin' em.

♪ He knows his chickens
and his cabbages too ♪

- All right? I'm sorry.
- [ Grunting ]

- ♪ He's got my oh-my-oh
Oh-my-oh-my ♪
- [ Men Talking, lndistinct ]

- ♪ Just wait 'til I get back ♪
- [ Bouncer ] No drinking!

- ♪ To O-hi-o ♪♪
- [ Grunting ] I'm sorry.

[ Groaning, Whimpering ]
No!

[ Groaning Continues ]

- Ladies and gentlemen, may I
please have your attention?
- [ Applause ]

Attention, please,
everyone.

Listen up now, everyone.
All right.

Meyer,
come on up here.

- ♪ Hey, listen ♪
- All right.

- The jitterbug contest
is about to begin.
- [ Cheering, Applause ]

And now I'm going to introduce
our judge for the contest,

Mr. Meyer Mishkin
of RKO Pictures!

- RKO Pictures!
- [ Whistling, Cheering Continues ]

- Meyer is an agent
at RKO Pictures and he's--
- Uh, talent scout.

Talent scout.
All right.

Tell them about
first prize, huh?

Uh, first prize is a seven-year
contract at RKO Pictures.

- [ Cheering Continues ]
- Seven years! Did you hear that?

- ♪♪ [ Continues ]
- Let's get outta here so
these slobs can't bother us.

You wanna dance with me?
I'm in the USO! I'll dance with you!

- ♪♪ [ Continues ]
- [ Coughing ]

[ Man On P.A.,
lndistinct ]

[ Grunts ]

- ♪♪ [ Continues ]
- Sailor, please!

Let's get outta here.

I don't wanna go!

Ladies and gentlemen, I want you
to count down with me...

on this momentous,
tremendous,

absolutely pretty...
important occasion.

- ♪♪ [ Drumroll ]
- All right.

- We can't go yet. You wanna dance?
- Sure, dolly.

- And...
- [ With Crowd ] Ten!

- What the hell are you-- Hey!
- [ Crowd ] Nine!

You crazy
son of a bitch!

- Please.
- Seven!
- Help me.

- Gimme a break.
- [ Crowd ] Six! Five!

- A what?
- Gimme a break!

Time!

- Four!
- Please.

- Three!
- Aaah!

- Two!
- Wait for me, Stretch!

One!

And grab your partner
and take it away!

- [ Maxine ] Wait for me, Stretch!
- ♪♪ [ Swing Band ]

♪♪ [ Continues ]

- Wally!
- Wait a minute, Betty!
We gotta dance!

♪♪

[ Both Gasp ]

- Ohh!
- Ahh!

- Aah!
- [ Woman Chattering, lndistinct ]

- Aah!
- [ Gasping, Chattering ]

Ohh!
[ Giggles ]

[ Man ] Look out!

[ Groans ]

- [ Grunts ]
- Stretch!

♪♪ [ Continues ]

[ Woman Giggling ]

[ Grunts ]

[ Cheering, Applause ]

Watch it!

[ Women Screaming ]

- Stretch!
- [ Sitarski Grunting ]

- Ohhh!
- Who's that?

- [ Kisses ]
- [ Groans ]

Get awa-- Aah!

Ooh, Stretch.

Whoa!

[ Onlookers Gasp ]

Aaah!

[ Women ]
Whoo!

[ Woman Laughing ]

[ Women ] Whoo!

[ Women Scream ]

- Whoo!
- Whoo!

♪♪ [ Continues ]

Uh-oh.

- [ Onlookers Gasp ] Look at that!

[ Cheering, Applause ]

[ Cheering Continues ]

Wally! Hey, Wally!

[ Shouting, Cheering ]

That's my best friend!

And he's dancin'.

What's that guy's name?
What a dancer!

- Watch it, Wally!
- ♪♪ [ Ends ]

- [ Onlookers Scream, Gasp ]
- Wally!

- [ Groaning ]
- [ Murmuring, Screaming ]

Well, well, well.

Just the son of a bitch
I'm lookin' for.

[ Onlookers
Scream, Gasp ]

You son of a bitch!

- [ Screaming Continues ]
- Wait a second!

Wait, guys!
Now wait a second! Wait!

[ Shouting, Yelling ]

[ Shouting Continues ]

[ Shouting Stops ]

- [ Bell Rings ]
- [ Shouting Resumes ]

Are you okay?

- Stop! Stop!
- [ Grunting ]

[ Sitarski, Betty
Grunting ]

Ohh!

Ohh!

[ Men Groaning ]

[ Groans ]

I love you, Stretch!

Aaah!

[ Birkhead Muttering ]
Right engine, left engine.

I don't see any planes
out here, Loomis.

Do you know what's gonna happen to you
if there aren't any planes?

- Can you possibly imagine?
- Donna, would you just relax?

- Loomis.
- Donna, I'm gonna look around.

- I'll be right back.
- [ Engine Stops ]

Hello!

Hello!

Anybody home?

No! Don't shoot!
Don't shoot!

- Don't shoot! Please don't shoot!
- [ Gunfire Stops ]

[ Man ]
ldentify yourself!

Captain Loomis Birkhead,
United States Army!

Birkhead? What kind of
stupid name is that?

Just stand right there.
Winowski!

Little tall for a Jap,
wouldn't you say?

Yeah, but those Japs
are sneaky bastards, sir.

- You never know.
- You're right.

Check him for stilts.

S-Stilts, sir?

- Do it.
- Yo!

Oww! Ooh!
God!

Son of a bitch!

Ah, thank God, Captain.
[ Laughing ]

- Thank God you got through.
- [ Groans ]

[ Chuckling ]

My troops.
Where are my troops?

- Stilwell promised me troops.
- Yes, sir.

- Uh, you see, w-we're a little,
uh, shorthanded, sir.
- Shorthanded?

- Stilwell's trying to hold L.A.
- Stilwell? L.A.?

Well, my God, doesn't he realize
how desperate my situation is here?

They're parachuting
murderers into these hills,

and now I'm getting reports
of secret airstrips...

hidden away in
the alfalfa fields of Pomona!

Colonel, you don't, uh--

You don't have any bombers
here, do ya, sir?

Bombers?

If I had bombers, son,

I'd be bombin' the hell out of 'em
right now! [ Laughing ]

- [ Troops Laughing ]
- No planes?

Boy, am I in trouble now.

[ Laughing Stops Suddenly ]

Son, the only plane I got
is that shit-on-a-shingle
trainer sittin' over there.

[ Whispers ]
It's fine, it's fine. Let's go.

Sir, I happen to have
a reconnaissance expert...

from our intelligence office
in Washington with us in the car and...

with your permission, sir,

we'd like to take that trainer
and try to spot that enemy airfield.

Why, son, tha-that plane doesn't have
any guns on it. You're talkin' suicide.

I have no other choice.

Ladies and gentlemen,
everywhere I look...

soldiers are fighting sailors,
sailors are fighting marines.

Directly in front of me
I see a flying blond floozy.

Everywhere I look, everywhere,
pure pandemonium-- pandemonium!

[ Scraping ]

Did you ever see
an elephant fly?

- Well, I seen a horsefly.
- I seen a dragonfly!

- I seen a housefly.
- [ Crows Laughing ]

See, I've seen
all that too.

I've seen
a peanut stand...

and heard
a rubber band.

I seen a needle
that winked its eye.

♪ But I be done seen
about ever'thing ♪

- ♪ When I see an elephant fly ♪
- What you say, boy?

- I said, when I see an elephant fly.
- [ Whispers ] Sir.

- They're rioting in the streets.
- [ Chuckles ] Who's rioting?

- Soldiers and sailors.
- I seen a polka dot railroad tie!

- And zoot suiters.
- Zoot suiters?

- Yes, sir.
- Sounds like a matter for the police.

- ♪♪ [ Continues ]
- Police, shore patrols, MPs.

Let them handle the riots.
I'll handle the Japanese.

- That's all, Sergeant.
- Yes, sir.

Parking brake,
release.

Uh, flaps up.
Trim set.

We're ready.
Radio on.

- Jesus Christ!
- What?

This thing
hasn't got a radio!

Colonel, this thing
hasn't got a radio!

What radio?

It hasn't got a radio!

I gotta let lnterceptor Command
know I'm up there! I don't
wanna get my ass shot off!

Hell, son, you can't
call lnterceptor Command!

That plane
doesn't have a radio!

I know it doesn't
have a radio!

I know it doesn't have a radio,
but I got a telephone!

Don't worry!
I'll call them for you!

You got a telephone.
Okay.

[ Soldier ]
Go!

Wonderful! Bomb the hell
out of 'em, son!

That's it!
Straight away, son!

Oh, no. Hey! Whoa, look out, son!
Watch it! Hey!

[ Maddox ] Take your foot off
the right brake, son!

- Loomis, stop showing off.
- Aaaah!

Hey! Come on!
Get down!

Hey! Son!
You're goin' the wrong way!

Equest-ray emergency oops-tray
and we're eady-ray to oll-ray.

[ Shouting, lndistinct ]

[ Shouting, Yelling ]

Everybody
fall in!

And... salute!

- Full throttle, max power,
past the point of rejection.
- You're gonna hit the tower.

- [ Soldiers ] Whoa!
- Naw, we missed it.

This is S.L.P.

[ Radio Man Talking, lndistinct ]

- [ Crash ]
- How do you read me?

Interceptor Command,
this is Colonel Maddox.

- Hello?
- [ Airplane Passes Overhead ]

My God,
we've been cut off!

Colonel Maddox!

- [ Airplane Buzzing ]
Aircraft approaching, sir!

Hold your fire.
Pass it on.

[ Soldier ]
Hold your fire. Pass it on.

- Hold your fire.
- Hold your fire.

[ Grunts ]
Aah! Ohh! Mmm.

My leg. It won't wake up.

Come on, wake up.
Wake up, wake up!

[ Muttering ]

Ground crew!

What form of lunatic is that?

What kind of lunatic
runs this place? Come on!

Yo.

[ Muttering ]
Come on, wake up, you moron.

- Not now, Winowski,
you stupid soda jerk.

Come on--

Huh?

Mmm.

♪♪ [ Humming ]

He's on the level, sir!

Yaah!

[ Blows ]

- [ Chamber Clicks ]
- Identify yourself!

[ Spits ]
Captain Wild Bill Kelso,

United States Army Air Corps.

Where the hell am I?

- Barstow. Where you comin' from?
- San Francisco.

Been trackin' a Jap squadron
for a day and a half.

Lost 'em somewhere over Fresno.

- I'm from Olene, Illinois.
- Tough shit.

You see any Japs
around here?

Hell, son,
they're all over the place.

They got a secret
air base down in Pomona.
That's where they're all comin' from.

Pomona.

Which way is, uh, Pomona?

That way. Toward L.A.

[ Groans ]

- [ Grunts ]
- Heave!

- [ Grunting ] Aaah!
- [ Toy Squeaking ]

[ Kelso Muttering ]

Aaah!

Get away!
Go on! Go on!

[ Muttering ]

My name's Wild Bill Kelso,

and don't you forget it.

That's the kind of talk
I like to hear, boy!

That's it!
Lemme hear your guns!

- My guns?
- I wanna hear what they sound like.

Let me hear 'em!
[ Imitates Machine Guns ]

[ Continues
lmitating Guns ]

Aaaaaah!

Aaaaah-ha-ha-ha!

Aaah!

Vaya con Dios, my friend!

To Hollywood... and glory!

Ha-ha-ha!

This thing handles pretty well,

even if it's not a B-17.

But...

does it have much range, Loomis?

- Huh?
- I mean,

do you think it'll stay up
for a long time?

Sure. Hell, we've used less
than a quarter of a tank already.

Look. We're already over
the Riverside County Reservoir.

Army flash, Army flash.

Post, Riverside County Reservoir.

Code name, Strawberry.

Three single-engine aircraft.

Three single-engine aircraft heard...

five miles northeast of Strawberry,

proceeding west, high altitude.

- Strawberry's in sector 14.
- No clearance for aircraft in 14.

- I repeat, no clearance.
Request visual information.
- Visual information unavailable.

Try to contact aircraft by radio.

Tangerine confirms
Strawberry aircraft proceeding west.

Attention, all units! Condition yellow!

I repeat, yellow alert!

[ Bell Dings ]

[ Shouting, Yelling ]

[ Tires Screeching ]

Ohh!
[ Yelling ]

- What you need is a little pick-me-up.
- [ Firemen Yelling ]

- [ Fire Truck Horn Blasting ]
- I'll give you a--

Aaaah!

There they are, men!
Let's get 'em!

[ Shouting, Yelling ]

- Oh, no!
- [ Women Screaming ]

[ Shouting Continues ]

Aaaah!

Aaaaah!

[ Continues Yelling ]

Yaaaah!

[ Gunfire Continues ]

What the hell do you people
think you're doing?

You're acting like a bunch
of Tojo stooges!

You wanna put Yamamoto
in the White House?

The Axis is crawling like
a slime all over Europe.

I can't believe it!
Americans fighting Americans!
We got the lousy Huns to fight!

- ♪♪ [ Swing Band: Slow Tempo ]
- Well, ladies and gentlemen,
that just about wraps up...

another evening's entertainment here
at the Crystal Ballroom...

in downtown Los Angeles.

I hope you enjoyed
tonight's program.

I'd like to thank all the Gls for
helping make tonight's evening such a--

a memorable occasion.

Maybe in the future we can
have some Negroes come in...

- and we'll stage
a race riot right here.

Wally!

This is Sal Stewart saying,
I hope you had a good time.

We're gonna be
boogie-woogie-ing our way...

right... across...
the street... soon.

So stay tuned to this station.

- Next week we'll be back.
Hope you had a good time.
- Aaah!

♪♪ [ Continues ]

Ohh. Ohh.

[ Chair Rattling ]

Aah!
[ Whimpers ]

Ohh!

Oh, no!

Aah! Ohh!

Stretch! Oh, boy!

- Aah! Ohh!
- [ Grunting ]

Hey, you!

Make no mistake about this:

Japs do not surrender and
they don't take prisoners.

They have only one idea in mind.
Do you know what that is, sailor?

- Kill!
- [ Crowd Together ] No!

- That's right! To kill you,
to kill your families!
- [ Crowd Booing ]

To kill your families,
mothers, loved ones and pets...

- and keep on killing until
they conquer the world!
- [ Crowd Shouting, Booing ]

- And when they do...
- Wally!

you won't be able to speak your free
mind or worship God in your own way.

- Pardon me.
- You won't be able to walk
down Main Street anymore.

- Stretch! Stretch!
- Hey, lady, what are you doin'?

- [ Crowd Booing, Shouting Angrily ]
- Stretch!

Instead of turkey
for Christmas dinner,

- how would ya like to have
raw fish heads and rice?
- [ Crowd Shouts ] No!

- You think the Krauts
believe in Walt Disney?
- [ Crowd Shouts ] Yeah!

- Well, was that Mickey Mouse
blitzkriegin' across France?
- [ Crowd ] No!

- Pluto in Poland?
- Oh, I'm sorry.

- Or Donald Duck at Pearl Harbor?
- [ Crowd Shouts ] No!

- This time we free the world
or we lose it!
- [ Cheering ]

We win or die tryin'!

[ Crowd Cheering ]

We sure didn't start this war,

but, by God,
we're gonna finish it!

Donna, wouldja lay off?
I'm tryin' to steer !

What's wrong?
You're not airborne yet.

What are you talkin' about? Look out
the window. Of course we're airborne !

We are, but you're not.

Post, Cauliflower, aircraft 12:00,
proceeding west.

Sector 12.
They're heading for L.A.

What about visual
information, sir?

To hell with visual information.
They're Japs. Let's go to red.

- Red alert for Los Angeles.
- [ Bell Dings ]

- Red alert.
- [ Emergency Horn Honking ]

This is it! Let's show those
lousy Huns what we got!

[ Cheering, Applause,
Whistling ]

Prepare to mount up.
Foley, let's go.

- [ Laughing ]
- [ Siren Continues ]

- All right, you wise "boids"!
- Now what?

[ Air Raid Siren Continues ]

- You!
- Aah!

- Hi, Stretch!
- [ Shouting ]

[ Siren Continues ]

- [ Siren Continues, Faint ]
- [ Shouting, Cheering, Faint ]

[ Shouting ln Japanese ]

Ein Amerikan.

[ Whispers ] lnvasion.

[ Whispers ] Japanese.

[ Loud Whisper ] Joan!

Mom, Dad's got something
stuck in his throat!

What is it, dear?

Invasion!

- [ Air Raid Siren Continues ]
- [ Indistinct Chatter ]

Get me a spotlight down here.
Here we go.

[ Indistinct Chatter
Continues ]

All right, you dog asses!
Haul in here! Ten-hut!

- Big brass, Sarge.
- General Stilwell.

- What a mess.
What a goddamn mess!
- [ Tires Screeching ]

- Motor Sergeant Frank Tree...
- Bressler!

- reporting for combat duty, sir!
- Get me lnterceptor Command!

- Is there a phone around here?
- In the theater, sir.

- Get on it. Sergeant!
- Yes, sir!

Secure this area.
Give me a one-block perimeter.

Yes, sir!
What's the plan of action, sir?

Hold the block.

You can hold one block,
can't you?

[ Panting ] ls the target
in sight yet, Loomis?

Oh, it will be, just as soon
as I make it through these...

hills.

[ Airplane Buzzing,
Faint ]

- [ Airplane Buzzing, Louder ]
- Do you hear that?

Yeah.

- [ Both Panting ]
- [ Donna ] More thrust! Oh!

Ohh! Ohh!

[ Panting Continues ]

[ Gagging ]

- I see the son of a bitch!
I'm goin' in after 'em!

Give it to me, Loomis!

- Oh, give it to me!
- [ Gunfire ]

[ Donna Screams ]

Ohh!

It's a Zero!

- I see him, I see him!
- Where?

Keep goin', keep goin'!
Come on! Keep goin'!

- I'm gonna hit the sign!
- Forget the sign. Keep goin'. Perfect.

Oh, my God.

I've never felt anything like that before.

You're damn right.

- They think we're Japs!
- [ Sinister Laughing ]

What are you guys
shooting at?

I don't know.
Whatever they're shooting at!

Okay, let's go!

God, am I in trouble now!

Aaaah!

I'm in trouble now!

Donna!

Oh, God, I'll be good!

Quit fooling around!

Donna! Level it off!

[ Kelso ]
♪ The stars at night ♪

♪ Are big ♪

- ♪ And bright ♪♪
- Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!

Sarge, isn't it standard procedure
during an air raid to have a blackout?

- What are all these lights doin' on?
- Must be a foul-up somewhere.

We're gonna have to
knock 'em out ourselves.

Advance me 60 feet,
column left!

Take up a position!
I'm gonna douse these lights!

There's no place
like home.

There's no place
like home.

Kid, you're the greatest
trick foot artist I ever seen,

and I seen 'em
all over the world.

- Just sign right here.
Seven-year contract.
- Where's Betty?

- Where's Betty?
- She went out there.

[ Mishkin ]
Wait! Hey, wait!

Whoa!

Hey, you! You!
You with the stripes!

Hey wanna be a pal
and help me pick up my ammo!

Yeah, all right!

Thanks a lot, buddy.

Okay, forward ho!

We're gonna draw trajectory on Dumbo!

[ Airplanes Pass Overhead ]

[ Gunfire Continues ]

Look out!

Uhh! Tommies!

- Sarge?
- Tommies! The Tommies!

- Detroit is the arsenal of democracy!
- He got knocked on the head.

- He always did have a glass head.
- What are we gonna do?

You can't go out on me
now, Sarge!

I'll tell you what we're gonna do: go
home, paint the scratches on this tank,

put the sarge to bed
and forget this night ever happened!

I thought--

Knock out
those lights, kid.

He wants me to
knock out the lights.

See the mess on the streets?
I'm not gonna take the rap for this!

He's that tap-dancin'
fry boy from this morning.

- Yeah, I know, but he's
wearin' the stripes.
- What'll it be, Sarge?

Right.

Let's knock out
these lights!

[ Sinister Laughing ]

- Ohh!
- [ Chamber Cocks ]

[ Machine Gun Fire ]

[ Gunfire Continues,
Bullets Ricocheting ]

Take that, Tojo! Take that!

This... is war.

[ Grunting ]

Angelo, hurry!
My husband is crazy!

He says he sees Japanese
coming from the ocean!

Eat lead... slant.

[ Machine Gun Fire ]

[ Screaming ]

- [ Gunfire Continues ]
- [ Both Screaming ]

[ Engine Sputtering ]

Has anyone in your
command seen these Zeroes?

No, but we're shooting at 'em.

Think about this: bombs!
I don't hear any bombs!

If they've come all the way
from Asia, don't you think
they'd bring a few bombs?

- I don't know, sir, but--
- But nothing! You can't have
an air raid without bombs!

Come on! Fly!

- [ Engine Sputtering ]
- You can do it!

Donna, don't worry
about this!

I'm gonna set this baby down
if it's the last thing I do. Aaaaah!

Sayonara, sucker!

[ Laughs ]

- Donna, are you okay?
- Where are we? Where's the door?

[ Both Scream ]

- Aaah!
- Ohh!

[ Panting ]

- Aaah!
- [ Panting Continues ]

[ Donna ]
Eecch! Where are we?

- [ Bubbling ]
- What is this stuff?

Oh, my God,
are we in trouble now.

- [ Gunfire Continues ]
- What are you shootin' at me for?

I'm an American!
Can't you tell the difference?

[ Bullets Hitting Plane ]

Holy shit, I'd better
get my ass out over the ocean.

Hey, there's a Kraut
on board too.

We've got the whole
damn Axis here.

Hey, what're we gonna do?

Defend our homes, Angelo!

How do you expect
to do that, Ward?

The army gave me a gun.

I think it's high time we used it.

[ Boys ] Yeah!

- [ Clicking ]
- Hello? Hello?

Hello!
Scioli doesn't answer.

[ Screaming ]

Aw, Jesus Christ, it's a sub!
Look, you guys, a Jap sub!

[ Screaming ]

Holy shit, Herb!

The dummy's right.

Japs.
It's a full-scale invasion.

Gimme that phone!

[ Yells ]

Japs!

[Speaking German]

Coordinates, 1305--

I knew it, I knew it, I knew it!

That's a Japanese Nakajima Type 97,
or I'm a bigger dummy than he is.

[ Click ]

[ Explosion ]

Oh, my God, I'm hit. I'm hit!

[ Laughs ] Look at him burn!

[ Japanese ]

Oh, my God.

It's a P-40 Tomahawk.

It's one of ours.

Mayday!

Mayday! Mayday!

[ Gunfire ]

[ Gunfire Continues ]

- Hiya, doll.
- Oh, God! No!

- [ Grunting ]
- Oh!

That's my kind of girl.

It's the end of the line, kid.

No more games.

[ Panting ]

- [ Clanging ]
- Oh! God!

[ Screaming ] Put me down!

[ Screaming ]

[ Betty Screaming ] Wally!

- [ Screams ] Wally!
- Betty.

- [ Screaming Continues ]
- Let's get this heap turned
around now! Left! Now!

Wally!

[ Betty Screaming, Crying ]

Let's go!
Come on, let's move! Move!

You know, I can't beat you
in a fair fight.

Stupid,
I don't fight fair.

- Neither do l. [ Yells ]
- [ Grunts ]

- [ Explodes ]
- [ Men ] Aah! Oh! Gee!

Hiya, doll.
[ Gasps ]

Follow that girl!

[ Sobbing ]

[ Soldiers Shouting ]

- Give that back!
- [ Shouting ]

[ Airplane Approaching ]

[ Mutters ]

[ Airplane Approaching,
Engine Sputtering ]

- Oh--
- My--
- God!

Ohhhh!

Whoa-aah!

[ Jones, Kelso Screaming ]

[ People Shouting, Screaming ]

[ People Shouting ]

[ Groans ]

Huh? Hmm.

Okay, goddamn it!

Aah! Ohh! Hmm!

[ Muttering Gibberish ]

Okay, goddamn it!

- I think he's gonna jump.
- Geronimo! Aha!

Whoa! Ha-ha!

Made it! Ha-ha!

Huh? Oh.

[ Moans ]

- [ Creaking ]
- [ Screaming ]

[ Crowd Screaming, Shouting ]

I lost my plane.

I lost my plane.

My-- Sub! Jap sub!

[ Kelso ] Jap sub!

Hold on. We'll get you
outta here in a second.

Listen. Kid.
You gotta get that sub.

- What sub?
- The Jap sub.

- Where?
- In the ocean, lame-o.

Offshore near some
goddamn amusement park.

The Japs are at
Pacific Ocean Amusement Park?

That's next door
to my parents' house!

Kid!

You gotta sink that sub.

Come on, Sarge. Come on now!
Sarge, come on!

That's it, Sarge. We got a nice pad
for that head of yours.

- That's it, Sarge.
- [ Mutters ]

- We'll have a drink.
- [ Laughing ]

- Real Japs?
- Nah, wooden Japs, Cheetah!

What do you think?
Get me outta here!

Move it!
Move it!

What the hell is that?

It appears to be
an airplane, sir.

We tried to hold the block.
The plane broke through our perimeter.

Head down Hollywood Blvd.
to Highland!

- Take Highland to Pico! Take Pico to--
- [ Shouting ]

♪ To your left
The camp is on your left ♪

♪ The camp is on to your left
The camp is on to your left ♪

- ♪ Sound off Sound off ♪
- One, two!

Wait, Sarge! Wait for me, Sarge!
Please! Stop!

[ Whimpers ]

- What's that?
- It appears to be a large Negro, sir.

[ Whimpering ]

- What's that?
- Salesman.
- A businessman.

- Accountant.
- A lawyer.

I'll grease your face
with those treads, you punk bastard!

- And that?
- A corporal.

Stretch! I love you!

Soldier, are you
the pilot of that plane?

Yes, sir. Captain Wild Bill Kelso,
United States Army Air Corps.

I'm proud to report that
I'm the first American...

to shoot down a Jap plane
over the continental United States.

- You shot down a Jap plane?
- Yes, sir.

A Mitsubishi Zero, sir.

Got back some of that
scrap metal we sold 'em.

Blew the livin' hell outta him
right into the Stone Age.

We just got a report that a plane
went down in the La Brea Tar Pits.

That's him! That's gotta be the one!
I told you I shot him down.

- Is that a Jap plane?
- They don't know.

What do you mean they don't know?
Of course it was a Jap plane.

- You don't think I'd shoot down
one of our own, do ya?
- I'm not so sure.

The plane's not important. What's
important is the submarine! The sub!

Submarine?
Shot down a Jap sub too.

No, sir.
I could have, though.

I had him in my sights.

I had that bastard
right where I wanted him.

But I caught it in the radiator.
He's still out there!

What about that plane?
There must be a pilot.

That is the craziest
son of a bitch I ever saw.

How many more like him
do you think are up there?

Get outta here!
[ Yelling ]

[ Engine Starts ]

Aw, look.
A baby wolf.

Where?

[ Kelso Yelling ]

[ Shouting ]

Gus, you can get into anything.
Open up this ammunition.

- Yes, sir.
- Stevie, round up the neighbors.

I'm going to need help getting this gun
over to where I can get a clear shot.

- Macey, stay close.
- Yes, sir!

That nice soldier told you
not to touch the ordnance.

Don't you think you should
call the army?

The army doesn't know
what they're doing. I can handle this.

- Ward, you're acting like Errol Flynn!
- Joan, damn it! Shut up!

Porca miseria!
I just remembered.

I got two guys stuck
on top of the ferris wheel.
Somebody's gotta get 'em down.

Macey, get on your bike,
get over to the amusement pier.

- I gotta watch you sink the sub!
- That's an order, son.

- Yes, sir.
- Kid, this is the key to the
control box in the ferris wheel.

- I know. I know, I know.
- Don't touch anything red or silver.

- Yeah, I know. I know.
- Only blue.

Okay, everybody, over here! Get on
this gun. We gotta move it over there!

We're sinking
a Japanese sub tonight.

Are you sure you wanna
go through with this, Ward?

Okay. Okay.

Now, we do this.

Watch it!
Oh, whoa, oh, oh, oh!

Whoa! All right.

There! There.
Got him right in my sights.

[ Gasps ]

I don't think you're gonna hit him, boss.

- [ Gunshots ]
- [ Crewmen Shouting ln Japanese ]

[ Japanese ]

[ All Shouting ln Japanese ]

I can't believe it.
Why aren't they shooting back?

They can't see us,
that's why.

[German]

[ Gasps ]

Do not... push a clip of ammunition
into the feed rollers here.

[ Gasping ]

[ Horn Honking ]

- Son of a--
- ♪ And a steamboat ♪

♪♪ [ Scatting ]

- [ Glass Shattering ]
- Oh, honey, I saw that movie.
Watch this.

Goin' my way, sister?

Son of a bitch
stole my tank.

First he gets egg on my uniform...

then he steals my girl...

then he steals my tank.

-That's the tank I sent to get that sub.
-Yeah.

- Near some amusement park.
- Yeah, that's right.

- You know where it is?
- Yeah, sure.

Get in.

- Come on! Go! Go! Go, goddamn it!
- Let's go!

[ Laughing ]

Turn right!
Turn right here!

[ Men Yelling ]

[ Yelling Continues ]

[ Laughing ]
I'm a bug!

[ Hysterical Laughter,
lmitates Bug Buzzing ]

- [ Bullet Ricocheting ]
- [ Crewmen Chattering ln Japanese ]

[ Gunshots Continue ]

[ German ]

[ Japanese ]

- [ Screaming ] - [ Yelling ln Japanese ]

- [ Screaming ] - [ Japanese ]

You should never pull this
hand-operating lever to the rear.

Let's get outta here!

Do not restore the lever
to the firing position.

- [ Ward ] Do not make sure that
this cover is completely closed.
- [ Whimpering ]

- Auf Wiedersehen. Sayonara.
- [ Crewmen Applauding ]

Lots of luck.

And never ever,
under any circumstances,

- [ Whimpering ]
- should you disperse--

Never ever,
under any circumsta--

Oh!

Foot trigger!

Whoa-oh-oh!

[ Whimpering, Gasping ]

[ Screaming ]

[ Crewmen Chattering
ln Japanese ]

[ Shouting ln Japanese ]

I think about 150 to 200
dollars will fix that.

Did it get 'em? Did it get 'em?

Close, Ward. Close.

Let's get this back out there.
I'll-- I'll blast 'em again.

All right.

♪♪ [ Maxine Singing ]

- ♪ That's how people are ♪
- Great, we're lost!
Where the hell is it?

- By the ocean.
- The ocean? That's left.

- No, straight. Right.
- Straight?

- Right or straight?
- I said straight, goddamn it!

- Sayonara, sucker.
- What are you doing?

- ♪ Never get together ♪
- [ Yelling ]

- [ Both Screaming ]
- [ Yelling ]

Geronimo!

[ Screaming ]

- [ Gasping ]
- Oh! Oh! Oh!

- ♪ Who's got the last laugh now ♪
- [ Yelling ]

Hey, quit rockin'
the car!

- Yeah, quit rockin' the car.
- Shut up! I wasn't rockin' it.

- [ Gunshot ]
- Hey!

Hey, you guys!
I'm supposed to get you down!

Thank Christ!

It rolls easy once it gets started.
Just kiss it.

- Don't worry, Ward. Gentle as a baby.
- [ Shouting ln ltalian ]

[ Yelling ]

- There goes Dad!
- Watch out!

Open the door!

♪ I'll be home ♪

♪ For Chri-- ♪♪

[ Crewmen Shouting
ln Japanese ]

- Dad!
- You're gonna wreck the whole house!

Boys, go to your room and don't
come down until I call you!

- You're ruining Christmas!
- Gliding it out!

- [ Joan Yells ]
- Ooh!

- Too much.
- You wrecked the stairs!

- Which one do I pull?
- The one on the right.
No, the one on the left.

[ Japanese ]

Wait! W-Wait!
Wait! Wait! Ooh!

Coming back!

[ Japanese ]

[ Japanese ]

- [ Japanese ]
- Now I've got 'em!

Ward Douglas,
don't you dare...

fire that gun
in this hou--

[ Yelling ]

Whoa!

Boy, that was fun!

Whew! Wow!

[ Shouting ln Japanese ]

"Warning! Do not...

- [ Shouting ln Japanese ]
- turn on...

- [ Japanese ]
- switch."
- [ Japanese ]

Yeah!

♪♪ [ Calliope ]

♪♪

- ♪♪ [ Continues ]
- Oh, my God! That's the wrong switch!

♪♪

Turn off those lights,
you little asshole!

- [ Generator Humming ]
- ♪♪ [ Continues ]

♪♪

- Oh, my God.
- Trapped like beavers.

[ Shouting ln Japanese ]

[ Shouting ln Japanese ]

[ Shouting ln Japanese ]

- [ Japanese ]
- [ Japanese ]

- [ Japanese ]
- [ Japanese ]

Hollywood. [ Japanese ]

Hollywood. [ Japanese ]

- Oh, my God!
- ♪♪ [ Calliope Continues ]

[ Screaming ]

[ Laughing ]

- [ Screaming ]
- I can't stop it!

- [ Screaming ]
- [ Ferris Wheel Creaking ]

- [ Japanese ]
- [ Japanese ]

[ Both Screaming ]

- [ Screaming ]
- Ma!

[ Japanese ]

- [ Japanese ]
- [ Japanese ]

[ Screaming ]

[ Cheering ln Japanese ]

[ All ]
Banzai! Banzai!

- [ Weeping ] Good-bye, Hollywood!
- Banzai!

[ Shouting ln Japanese
Continues ]

Hey, are you okay?
You all right?

Boy, that was fun.
Can we do it again?

- You wanna do it again?
- I wanna do it again.

- You really wanna do it again?
- [ Yelling ]

[ Choking ]

- [ Gasps ]
- [ Laughing ]

- [ Popping Sound ]
- I blew the exhaust manifold!

- There's the ocean! Hang a right!
- Who cares about the ocean?

[ Both Laughing ]

[ Gasps, Screams ]

Get it off me!
[ Screams ]

- Hey, hey, hey!
Get in the back of the tank.
- [ Screams ]

- [ Kisses, Sighs ]
- Wait for me.

- Betty!
- Macey!

- How's Mom and Dad?
- They're fine.

Who knows how to load this gun?

He does.

[ Both Screaming ]

[ Shouting ]

[ All Yelling ] Banzai!

[ Shouting ln Japanese ]

Give me that! Give me that! Give me
that! Give me that! Give me that!

[ Shouting ln Japanese ]

- What's that?
- Uh, here, hold this.

[ Japanese ]

Now, Sarge,

what is the loading
and firing procedure...

for the 75-millimeter
cannon?

- There are five basic components...
- This is it.

to the new General Motors
electric refrigerator.

- One, a freon compressor;
- What?

- two, the freon tube;
three, the power transformer--
- No, no. Sarge. No, Sarge.

[ Explosion ]

[ Japanese ]

[ Kelso Yelling ]

Geronimo!

[ Japanese ]

[ Shouting ln Japanese ]

Whoa! It's turning!
Look, it's pointing this way!

[ Japanese ]

[ Japanese ]

- Torpedo!
- Torpedo!

[ All Yelling ]

[ Shouting ln Japanese, Laughing ]

Blackout! Blackout!
Douse those street lights!

[ Machine Gun Fire ]

Kill that theater marquee!

[ Japanese ]

[ Grunting ]

[ Japanese ]

[ Japanese ]

[ Grunting ]

[ Grunting ]

I made it!
It's me, you yellow bastards!

Come on! It's me,
Wild Bill Kelso!

[ Groans ]

[ Grunting ]

I know you're in there,
you yellow-bellied zipperheads!

[ Yelling ]

Wally, did we get 'em?

I think so.
She's going down.

All right! Hey!
Where are ya?

Oh, Geronimo!

[ Japanese ]

All right!
My name is Wild Bill Kelso.

And don't you... shoot.

All right,
turn this tub around.

You're taking me to Tokyo.

Anybody got a light?

[ Birds Chirping ]

[ Radio Newscaster ]
...out of a brilliant blue western sky,

- ♪♪ [ Whistling ]
- foreign aircraft, flying both
in large formation and singly,

flew over Southern California
last night...

- and drew heavy barrages
of antiaircraft fire--
- ♪♪ [ Whistling ]

the first ever to sound over
United States continental soil
against an enemy invader.

No bombs
were reported dropped.

Shortly before 10:00 p.m.,
police reported...

that an airplane had been shot down
into the La Brea Tar Pits.

- [ Snoring ]
- In other parts of the city,

Fifth Column acts were
reported during the air raid.

- Mysterious lights were spotted
in many locales.
- [ Car Approaching ]

In the Tarzana hills,
Burbank police...

saw a string of lights
in a "V" form,

pointing toward
the Lockheed Aircraft plant.

[ Officer ] All right, fall in
the yard! Fall in the yard, men!

Foley, Jones,
Reese, Hinshaw! Ten-hut!

[ Newscaster ] ...and immediately Army
searchlights shot into the sky.

Sergeant,
what happened here?

Sir, while suppressing
a riot on Hollywood Blvd.
Iast night with our tank,

I... was, uh,
struck unconscious.

My men, however, received a report
about a Japanese sub...

off the Santa Monica Pier
from a downed Army Air Corps captain.

They responded immediately, went to the
objective and at about 2300 hours...

- they engaged the enemy.
- Damage?

Uh, the Japanese sunk both our tank
and, uh, the ferris wheel, sir.

I think we hit the sub.
I saw it go down!

[ Wally ]
You see, sir, l--

- [ Sighing ]
- Donna! Donna! Donna! Not now!

Oh, honey.

- My girlfriend was there--
There was this wild man--
- Is this a long story?

- Yes, sir.
- Then save it.

Sir, I'd like
to say something.

We've been through a lot,
all of us.

We faced the enemy
for the first time last night,

right in
our own backyards,

and we came together,

put our differences aside and carried
on the true spirit of America.

I think no matter what happens,
what sacrifices we have to face,

we can carry forward
like Americans.

While we're doing our repairs, I'm going
to hang this wreath on my front door.

This symbol of Christmas,

this symbol of peace.

I just want to remind us all
that we're not going to let...

a bunch of treacherous
enemy killjoys...

ruin our Christmas.

[ Rumbling, Creaking ]

- [ Gasping ]
- [ Squeaks ]

Boy, that's great!

[ Joan Whimpering ]

What?

[ People Shouting, Arguing ]

- [ Shouting Continues ]
- You're gonna need tanks
for the Burma road, sir.

I'm just a sergeant,
but I'm a great mechanic.

You know, this year wasn't the
big year of the war, '41.

I think the really big year
is going to be 1942.

- [ All Shouting ]
- Let go of me!

[ Shouting Continues ]

It's gonna be a long war.

[ Shouting, Arguing Continue ]

[ Foley ]
Let me go! Let me go!

[ Shouting, Arguing Continue ]

Oh! Open the door!

Whoa-ohhh!

[ Shouting ln Japanese ]

[ Laughing ]

That is the craziest
son of a bitch I ever saw.

[ Screaming ]

Torpedo!

It was on
that radio there!

Ohhhh!

Jesus Christ, it's a sub!
Look, you guys, a Jap sub!

I can't beat you
in a fair fight.

[ Explosion ]

[ Airplane Approaching ]

Back! Back!

They're rioting
in the street, sir.

Whoa-aah!

Let's get outta here!

[ Screaming ]

Hi, Stretch!

Close, Ward. Close.

That reminds me. Kill them cockroaches
in that flour sack.

- Look at that!
- [ People Shouting ]

There goes Dad!

Kill a few Krauts
for me, huh?