18 Fingers of Death! (2006) - full transcript

♪

My name is Deadly Thug Number One.

Yeah, they call me
Deadly Thug Number Two.

You can run, but you can't hide,

- Cho San Wan.

Say hello to my little friends,

- Deadly Thug Number Four
and Deadly Thug Number Five.

There are only four deadly thugs.

Uh, Deadly Thug
Number Three is at home.

He's got the runs.

And...
Never mind.



The big boss has a message for you.

You'll never compete
in the pay per view,

- world secret, illegal,
underground, super-duper,

- fight-to-the-death
tournaments, held only once-

- every hundred years
on Han's private island.

La ultima fighting championships
this Sunday, Sunday, Sunday!

All I want is a
chance to prove myself.

Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha!

First you must defeat us.

Let's get ready...

All right boys, line up.

Oh, no.

Get in there.

Did not hurt.



Did not hurt.

Okay, that hurt.

Chinese to go.

That's going to leave a mark.

♪ 18 Fingers of Death. ♪

♪ When it comes ♪
♪ to that kung fu fight scene, ♪

♪ I'm a show you ♪
♪ Who'll do it the best. ♪

♪ He has a fist like lightning ♪
♪ when he's striking, ♪

♪ 18 fingers of death. ♪

♪ Who got techniques ♪
♪ to sweep you off your feet, ♪

♪ Quick jabs that'll put you ♪
♪ off your axis? ♪

♪ Call him master. ♪

♪ You see What happened ♪
♪ to them deadly thugs: ♪

♪ Roundhouse kick ♪
♪ put your face in the mud. ♪

♪ Don't underestimate ♪
♪ one's strength. ♪

♪ Buford Lee, ♪
♪ and he's here for the take. ♪

♪ You will see ♪
♪ how he moves swiftly. ♪

♪ Sing along with me. ♪

♪ When it comes to ♪
♪ that kung fu fight scene... ♪

Bling! Bling!

Man, my man was just working it.

This is Ronald Mack,
and I know great kung fu-

- when I see it.

Look, I'm the biggest
fan of Buford Lee.

And when I say big, I mean large.

Check it out, I've seen
every movie he's made-

- at least once.

It's been my lifelong dream
to pay tribute to this man.

That's why we're here today,

- is to shoot this documentary here.

Hey, because after making,
what, 803 movies,

- this is about to be his
biggest breakout film ever:

18 Fingers of Death.

Yeah, I know, I ain't
never shot anything before-

- or even gone to film
school for that matter.

But I got myself this video
camera here for graduation.

Yeah, well, you got that right.

'Cause I have a dream.

And like my mama always said,
"Don't go to church-

- without bringing your friend Faith."

Dang, look at me; I'm just talking.

I got my man sitting
right over here.

Look, he just finished up
this big fight scene rehearsal-

- in preparation for his new movie.

Look. Huh?

Yeah, he's here!

He is in the house!

Look, it's my man,
my mellow, my ace...

Master, the number one
stunner, Buford Lee!

Malik, not on me, man.

The camera's supposed
to be over here.

Okay, man, I got it. I got it.

Hy-yah.

Thank you, Ronald.

Please, call me Buford.

I hope you enjoy the documentary.

It is my honor and my...

My, my, my!

Whoo-ee!
Ha-hah!

Homemade sweet potato pie,
fresh out of Mama Mack's oven.

Mama, we're shooting right now.

Oh, well, I'm sorry, baby boy.

Why don't you and
Bradford take a break-

- and have some fresh pie?

Here's your chopsticks, baby.

Malik, you can stop the
camera now, all right?

Yo, Hollywood player,
you 'posed to say "out."

Okay, Malik, cut that shit off.

Mama.

Ronald, don't use
that kind of language.

And you have to go pick up
your baby brother from school-

- right now.

Uh!

Yo, Buford, man,
we've got to do this tomorrow.

Hey, yo, Ron, I got band
practice tomorrow.

Mmm.

This is so good, Mama Mack.

Oh, Buddy, baby, call me "Mama."

Say, Ron, where's the off button?

Malik, it's that big
button that says, "off,"

- on the right hand side.

I heard that to make a documentary,

- you need to have some interviews.

So I thought I would
start with these dudes.

They're the only two members-

- of the official
Buford Lee Fan Club.

Oh, I just love Buford Lee.

He is so amazing with his kung fu.

And he's the only action star
who does his own stunts-

- and his own hair.

When I see Buford in action,
I feel so powerful.

He make me believe I can do anything.

It would be so cool
to be an action star.

Oh, and get chicks.

You go, boy.

I mean, Quincy Tarantula
and Courton Joy-

- in our own action movie?

Oh, Courton, here is Buford's
49th Hong Kong movie,

- The Legend of Young Dragon.

It was released in U.S.
with title:

♪

Buford is, like,
the best of the best.

The hero of heroes.

The king of kings.

The queen of queens.

Buford is always too cool
and in complete control.

It's as if he has no fear.

Yeah, Bu.

Come right up to the edge.

This is going to be some
great publicity for you.

Are we rolling?

Yeah, action, Sushi.

Hi; Sushi Cue,
Vice President of Marketing-

- for the largest fortune
cookie company in the world,

Honorable
Fortune Cookies.

Our founder, Jerry Spielstein,

- is called
The Fortune Cookie King.

We are here today on the rooftop-

- of our spectacular
corporate offices and bakery.

And we are so honored
and thrilled to have with us-

- the one and only, martial
arts movie star, Buttford Lee.

Buttford is going to do
a fund-raising stunt-

- off the roof of our building,

- for the Kids Will Be Kids Foundation.

Now, as we wait for
your stunt team below-

- to finish setting up
the safety air bag,

- I would love to ask
you a few questions.

Hi... hi... hi, Sushi.

It's a perfect day to jump.

It is a lovely day to jump.

I have to tell you I am
so thrilled to be here-

- with you today, first of all.

And I admire your
constant involvement-

- with helping children.

You... it's so noble of you,
and you certainly deserve-

- a pat on the back...

Dang! Oh, he's okay.

Hey, Buford, look out!

I found a home movie of kid Buford-

- just Whooping some ass!

Check out what his
mom and dad had to say.

Our son was always practicing.

We always knew...

...Buford could be a
big kung fu movie star.

When Mr. Lee was growing up,

- that's What he always wanted to be.

So we do everything possible
to give our son that chance.

You can say we have a dream.

So, Mr. Lee, What do you think?

Oh, for our son to be just like-

- the greatest martial
arts movie star,

- our hero, Bruce Lee.

Oh, it was said that the
greatest martial arts legend,

- Master Bruce Lee,
was a second cousin-

- of the third brother of
the father of my husband's-

- best friend.

You know, Buford broke this
when he was only one year old.

Check this out.

My cousin works security,

- hooked me up with this
Whole ordeal right here.

We're on a movie set.

Watch, come here, check th...

Excuse me, sweetheart,
can I talk to you for a minute?

How you doin'?

Ronald Mack, director.

You would be fly in my movie.

I would do anything
to be in your movie.

For real?

Hey, yo, Ron, there he is, man.

Look, give Malik your number, okay?

I'll call you.
Go ahead on.

What's up, Jackie Chong?

What's up, man?

You're the world's
biggest movie star, brother.

You're large; You're super
large; You're crazy large, man.

Sock me in the neck or something.

Do something, a kick, or pow, wow.

Hey, and I sing too.

I sing too.

♪

Hey, aren't you
Chris Tucker's brother?

Say what?

Jackie, check this out.

What do you think about Buford Lee?

Would you like to
be in his next movie?

Buford who?

Hey, I gotta go.

I'll see you on set, huh?

That's a bad watch, Jackie.

Listen, hey, brothers,
can we get a hug?

You brothers are
so rough all the time.

Bong Fu was the most
slamming TV series-

- back in the early '70s.

The star was David
"Pass the Carravousier."

Hey, I just found out
he's not even Chinese.

Anyway, this was Buford's first part,

- and he gave a
knockout performance.

Did you hit the
"record" button, Mama?

Tape is rolling, baby boy.

And action!

I was supposed to say that.

Boy, get your feet off my sofa.

Yo, we hanging with
my man, Buford Lee.

Now, partners are supposed
to have a secret handshake.

Handshake.
Yeah.

Circle out... hook...

Add some elbow.

High five.

Side five.

You got some dog poo on your hand?

Now, the stunt community
soon found out-

- that you kept taking a licking,
but you kept on ticking.

Or shall I say, kept on kickin'?

I'm very lucky;
My body heals very fast.

Well, I would say, freaky-ass fast.

What you drinking,
some secret Chinese leaves-

- or some water buffalo be be balls?

Anyway, you soon after
that got a crazy load-

- of stunt-doubling jobs...

...although the public couldn't
find out who the actors were-

- that you were doubling.

I'm sorry, Ronald,
I cannot mention any names.

That's okay; I don't want
you to mention any names.

And I understand that too.

But I can show some
behind-the-scenes footage-

- that I kind of borrowed.

All right, all right,
fantastic, fantastic.

You all hit it.

Let's get Steven Seefood
in here for his close-ups.

You see, Ronald, with the right
technique, anybody can do it.

Yeah, 'cause if Drew Barrymore
and Keanu Reeves can do it,

- so can... Kung Fu Ronald Mack.

Now, that's a Mack Attack.

Say, Buford,
a lot of critics are saying-

- that your martial arts
movies are extremely similar-

- to those popular
martial arts movies.

It is quite a compliment
when people copy me.

Ooh.

Let's see what they have to say.

Here it says... wow.

"I can't believe he made this movie."

"Was there a budget for this movie?"

"What was Mr. Lee thinking about?"

Yes.

Thank you.

Buford Lee.

You know, that reminds me
of when I was growing up-

- in the tough streets of Little Italy-

- in New York City.

The next neighborhood was Chinatown.

I was minding my own business,
ordering some of my favorite-

- twice-deep-fried
spicy duck egg rolls-

- from Fong's Egg Rolls
and Donut Shop.

Suddenly, I was attacked by
these 23 Chinese gang punks.

I kicked their little butts
with my extraordinary-

- lightning fast, authentic,
Japanese Aikido techniques.

And you know What I told them?

This is What I said:
"Get ready to meet your maker."

You know, that reminds
me of another time-

- when 38 big black guys jumped me.

You see, I was just
minding my own business...

♪

Oh, hi there.

I'm using my
All-You'll-Ever-Need Gym.

If you'll order today...

Excuse me, Mr. Snorris,

- but this interview
is about Buford Lee.

This isn't my infomercial?

No.

Buford Lee...
Oh, I love his cooking show.

It's a great show.

You know What I really
like is when he's cooking,

- and right before he adds
that hot Szechuan sauce,

- he always says,
"Let's take it up a notch."

And he'll scream out, "wa-ta."

I like that. I like that.

Did you know I used to
work with Bruce Lee?

Yeah, I've worked with Bruce Lee.

Also, my television series,
Walker, Alabama Ranger,

- is one of the most
successful series since...

...just super successful.

Did you know that?

No, really?

Oh, yeah.
Have you seen this?

You want to try this?

No, I don't...

Go, go, go!

Go, go!

You can do it!

If you've got the will,
Bo That's the way.

Hi, I'm Billy Buff.

Welcome to Bo Thai in the Kitchen.

Bo Thai is the most
successful exercise program-

- in the history of the fitness world.

I give love to the almighty
Lord for his blessings.

Mr. Buff,

- this is not your commercial.

We're here to talk
about Buford Lee.

Oh, right.
Yeah.

I first worked with Buford Lee
in one of his earlier pictures,

- called Crouching Chicken,
Hidden Duck.

Yes!
The power is Within you!

Buford played Chow Mein Fat,

- a waiter by day
and vigilante by night.

I was his partner, Jerry...

...Curl,

- a hairdresser by day
and a crime fighter by night.

Give me five more!

I'm not biased, but I do think-

- that it was the best
martial arts movie ever made.

Hey, don't forget to
pick up my new tape...

Bo Thai in the Bathroom.

Or my personal favorite
and number one bestseller,

- Bo Thai in the Bedroom.

Oh, Billy, that's my favorite.

Okay, double time!

♪ Juan Talamera, ♪

♪ I bonita Juan Talamera. ♪

You got it going on, man.

♪ Bonita Juan Talamera. ♪

Hola, cómo está?

What's happening, man?

Antonio Bandana.

I'm Ronald Mack.

Muy bien.
How you doin'?

So Buford say to me, he say,
"Antonio," he say,

"I put you into my next
big American movie,

- action comedy,"
and I say, "Buford," I say,

- my English is not very good."

But he had a fa...

But he had fa... okay.

But he had a fay.

But he had a fay.

Yeah, and now Antonio
is a lucky man.

Beautiful American movie star Wife-

- and international sex symbol.

Mm?
La vida loca.

La Vida loca, amigo.

Yeah, la vida loca.

♪ Juan Talamera. ♪

Come on, with me, together.

♪ Juanita Juan Talamera, ♪

♪ Juan Talamera, ♪
♪ Juanita Juan Talamera. ♪

♪

80, Doctor Yu,

- you've been the Lees' family
doctor and friend for years...

Doctor Yu, What the...

Hey, hey, hey, never
mind the camera, James.

I think of myself not
just as Buford's doctor-

- but also as a family member.

Well, he's my best customer.

Pass me the thermometer.

James, here's what
we're going to do.

I'm going to count to three,

- and I'm going to put
this thing into you.

- Okay?
- Okay.

Ready, one!

Ooh!

Two, three.

If Buford gets frequent flyer miles-

- from all his visits here...

He, his family, and friends will
be able to fly around the world-

- the rest of their lives.

Mm-hmm.

80, Doc, how is it that Buford
has this healing power,

- that he heals up so fast?

Listen, this is not
going to hurt me at all.

Hemorrhoids are such
a pain in the ass, huh?

Pain, ass, huh?

Let's see,
his super fast healing ability-

- is truly a gift.

You know, my fear is
that it comes from...

You know what, you're
about to be very busy,

- and I don't want to hold you up,
so I'm going to go ahead and go.

I'll come back some other time.

♪

Man, if I was directing it,

- this is exactly how I would do it:

- Everything down to
this alley-red coat.

This is how I'd do it.
Good, good, let's go.

And, action.

Ninja theme down the hall.

That's it.

Now side shimmy to the door.

I don't mind being on hold
here for 25 minutes, all right?

Just let me pitch it directly to...

Hello?

Son of a...

Dang, I'm not going to shake his hand.

Sit down, Buford, we need to talk.

I am so excited about
doing 18 Fingers of Death.

I know it's going to be
his breakout movie.

Hell, Buford,
we know you just need-

- a chance to prove yourself.

It is the first time
we are using a script.

Well, you wrote it,
so the movie has to be good.

Huh?

Son, I think of you as family.

Why, it seems like only yesterday,

- we booked your first starring
movie, One Finger of Death.

So I always want to be
straight with you, because...

Aw, shit, Buford,

- the damn producers have
backed out of 18 Fingers.

What?

No financing.

No moolah, no dinero,
no cash-ola, no yen, no...

No loot?

No cheese.

No money.

No movie.

They said that the studios
are looking for someone-

- with a name, somebody younger,

- somebody with that matinee
idol look, someone who can rap.

Buford, we'll get through this.

Why, just today, I put
you up for a great part-

- on an episode of
the Power Rangers.

Now, you do have to wear a mask-

- and those purple spandex tights,

- and even though you don't
have any dialog,

- the exposure will be huge.

Oy, hey, wait, hang on.

Ronald, would you
mind if we out, please?

Yeah, that's cool.

Yo, Malik.

That's a out.
That's a cut.

Here, this is good.

The Cooking Network is looking
for a Chinese cook show host.

Okay, it's going to be
called: Eat off the Land.

The show will be like
Iron Chef meets Survivor.

This show could be huge.

Malik, the red light is still on.

I'll give 'em a call.

Hey, hey, Buford.

Next week can you teach us-

- the slow motion fighting style?

I'm sorry, Shirley, I will not
be here to teach next week.

That's okay;
You can teach us the week after.

I do not know when I
will come back again.

G-great, you're going to
start filming your new movie.

I'm going on a vacation.

W-What do you mean,
"v-vacation"?

W-here?

Somewhere.

I will call everyone
when I come back.

♪

I'll kick your...

Hey, hey, Buford.

My main kung fu man.

What's up?

What, you ain't going to
stay and eat with me today?

No.

You cool?

No money to shoot movie.

Y'all tell me.

I can't even buy me
a short shot of Tecay today.

The economy is depressed,
and so is my wallet.

Well, thank you,
my mellow yellow bro.

Shit, you know,
I'm just in between things right now.

But when my people comes through,

- you can count me in as an investor.

Swear to God, I believe in you.

You just gets to have
faith in yourself.

That's it!

I will find my own
investors for my movie.

That's a kick-ass idea, Buford.

I'll help you.

Yeah, and you tell those
mothers to kiss my boo-tay.

♪ Digging for guano. ♪

Okay, but this is no problem.

No, we make this money back-

- just on the German release alone, yes?

Also, Ja wohl, this is what I want to hear.

Okay, bye-bye.

Buford, oh, excuse me, I am so sorry.

Where were we, Buford?

Fingers of Death has been-

- a very successful series of movies.

One burrito.

They have never lost money.

In fact, 17 Fingers of Death
has made a net profit-

- of $729.33.

Wow.

Buford, you know I love you.

I love you, Buford.

Do you remember the last
picture we worked on,

- that little gem of a picture,
You Killed My Teacher?

What a wonderful film,
and you, Buford,

- you were super fantastic.

But Buford, What is it with
this American economy, eh?

Do you know Where
I put my money now?

I put my money into movies
about chicks kicking ass, eh?

This new script has
a strong female lead.

You need a strong female
lead in your life, Buford.

Relax, have some fun.

You come to my ballroom
dance club tonight, yes.

I introduce you to
many beautiful women,

- get a little salsa
into your life, eh?

What if I cut the budget?

Halt.

Excuse me, Buford.

Allo?

Jackie!

Hallo, Jackie, how are you?

Was?

You are in town?

Then we must have dinner
together tonight,

- and we close the deal.

Well, unfortunately,
things didn't work out-

- with Buford's big-time
German money-dude.

But that's okay,
because we were determined-

- to get 18 Fingers of Death made.

I really admire Buford,
because we went everywhere-

- looking for money.

Well, that bank
threw our ass out.

We even tried less conventional
financial institutions.

Get out of here.

Buford even borrowed
Homeless Joe's sign-

- and the dog.

Well, after a long day
of hustling,

- we rolled over to
Buford's pop's place-

- for some grub.

Buf, man, you know,

- it's hard trying to stay
positive when you're starving.

W-welcome.

W-Would you Mike
W-Water or t-tea?

You can bring me both.

So What's happening
with your pops, man?

What are you cooking for your boy?

The w-water
and the t-tea.

O-okay.

Today's special just for you
is the stir fried pig feet-

- in the black bean sauce
of ginger and garlic.

Pig's feet?

So you all eat pig's feet
like the brothers, right?

Oh, yeah, we don't waste nothing:

Everything from the
snooter to the patooter.

Oh, Mr. Lee, listen.

I've always been wanting to know,

- do you have Chinese Jews?

Ch-Chinese Jews?

Oh, very sorry, today,
sir, no Chinese Jew.

We only have the apple juice
and the orange juice.

Enjoy.

Your pops, man: He's tripping.

Ronald, this article is
about digital video movies-

- being the hottest category
for independent movies.

The Sundance Film Festival
has a category-

- just for digital movies.

We can shoot 18 Fingers of Death
on digital video.

So we could kind of be like
The Blair Witch Project,

- but the martial arts version, right?

If we create a buzz at
the Sundance Film Festival,

- we in like Flynn, Jack.

In like Flynn.

Hold up, let me see this.

And you know What?

Yo, we only have one week
for registration.

Okay, one day for pre-production,

- three days to shoot the movie,

- one day for editing,
two days to raise the money.

That's perfect.

And I can direct it.

And we can be kind
of sort of like...

...Robert Scorsese and, uh...

...Martin De Niro.

Like Kurosawa and Toshiro Mifune.

Like Brett Ratner and Chris Tucker.

Ronald Mack and...

...Buford Lee.

Ch-Chinese juice.

Chinese juice?

What the...

♪ When it comes to that ♪
♪ kung fu fight scene, ♪

♪ I'm a show you ♪
♪ who'll do it the best. ♪

♪ They went from row to wrist, ♪
♪ from wrist to row, ♪

♪ Making Buford Lee ♪
♪ stop the show. ♪

♪ Independently trying ♪
♪ to do it big... ♪

Hi, Mr. Decker.

How is
business today?

It's hunky dory.

I had a big rush of people
here about half an hour ago.

You just missed them.

This is Ronald Mack,
the movie director-

- I told you about.

You know, I just bought a
video camera this past week?

Really?

Hey, got an idea.

Say, Buf.

Is your neighbor
moving or is he broke?

No, Mr. Decker has a
good little business here.

He picks up things
from retirement homes-

- and brings them back to sell.

He even takes things on consignment.

Good money; He has a Ferrari.

Come on.

♪ ...making Buford Lee ♪
♪ stop the show, ♪

♪ Independently trying ♪
♪ to do it big. ♪

♪ Now y'all see ♪
♪ how the rough life is... ♪

This is from many years of collecting.

Some were handed down from my father.

I try to keep something
from each of my movies...

...even clothes.

This is too dang cool, Buford.

I mean, your house is like-

- a freakin' martial arts movie, man.

Hey, guys, what do you think?

My new toys.

I've been studying
the manual all week;

I can hardly wait
to shoot something.

Yo, Malik, you can
take a break, man;

- That's a cut.

Action.

Yo, man, I'm Ronald Mack...

Take the cap off.

Hey, I got it.

Oh, sorry!

Oh, don't worry about it, Mr. Decker.

You're going to be fine.

Now you got it going on, Mr. D.

Where you going, man?

I'm about to go face
the cemetery, bro.

Oh, that's right!
Give me a call later.

All right, I will.

Thanks, Malik.

No problem.

I have never shown
anyone these treasures.

Go ahead, player,

- you had a little tender over
here last night, didn't you?

Oh, no, I went to visit the set-

- of Timecop with
Buns of Steel Part 2.

The wardrobe assistant
is a friend of mine.

She gave it to me as a souvenir.

Yeah, those were worn
by Jean-Claude Dang Dang.

Ooh.

Well, let's move on.

What else you got in here?

What's next?

This is chong-tastic.

It is Jackie Chong's
nose hair trimmer.

Well, come on now, Buford,
I know that's popular-

- in the stores, man,
but let's just move on.

My most priceless possession.

Voila!

Master Bruce Lee's socks.

He wore this pair of socks
for the final fight scene-

- in his all-time classic
movie: Enter the Dragon.

Yeah, okay, well, you know,
Buford, that is really cool.

I think you should just go on
and put them back in the bag-

- for safekeeping, how about that?

Say, Ronald, I think I will keep
them with me for good luck.

Master Bruce Lee will
help me find a way-

- to make this movie.

Yeah, and you may be right
about that, my brother.

You may...

The Legend of Drunken Bastard!

Yo, Mr. D., you can
go ahead and take a break,

- man, because we need to show-

- the final fight scene
on this one here.

So we need to go to
an action scene, as well.

You got it.

Man, that is super fly.

♪ Well, I'm talking 'bout dancing, ♪

♪ Remembering romancing. ♪

Hey, there.

Closing time, gentlemen.

♪ It's quarter past two, ♪

♪ And I'm drinkin' ♪
♪ to my troubles again. ♪

♪

Thai food is down the road, boys.

We're closed.

We are looking for
The Drunken Bastard.

Hey, you, look at me
when I'm talking to you.

You are a disgrace
to the Shaolin Temple.

Hey, you insult our brother,

- you insult our entire family.

Yee-haw!

Dragon Whips its tail.

Man, I love
this fight scene!

Yo, check this out, Buf.

Mr. Decker could sell all this
stuff here at his yard sale.

Look, I bet we could make a fortune-

- off of selling all this stuff, man.

Look, we make-

- we'll have enough money left over-

- to have a big-ass rap party.

Buf, come on, this is
the only solution we've got.

This is my entire
lifelong collection.

Son, listen, I know how you feel.

I used to hang on
to everything myself.

Finally, I realized that the
most important memories-

- are the ones you keep in your heart.

Tell you What, Buf.

I'll sell my entire
Stevie Wonder collection.

And you can use my camera.

Let's make our movie.

Yeah!
All right!

But we can't sell
Master Bruce Lee's socks.

♪ I'd go digging for diamonds, ♪
♪ but they're never found. ♪

♪ 'Cause all of the diamonds, ♪
♪ they're way underground. ♪

♪ I go digging for gold, ♪
♪ but they can't be found. ♪

♪ 'Cause all of the gold mines, ♪
♪ they're way underground. ♪

♪ I got to dig something ♪
♪ to get through the day. ♪

♪ Diamonds and gold mines, ♪
♪ they all slip away. ♪

♪ And I'm digging for guano, ♪

♪ On rocks by the sea. ♪

And that makes it $9.037,23.

Can you believe we
opened our own account-

- at the same bank that Buford
got his ass thrown out of?

I really had to drop
the kids off at the pool.

Me too.

If I keep eating this Chinese food-

- your pops is cooking for us, man,

- I'm going to need a
Chinese stomach to digest it.

Then you would be like my
half-Chinese brother, Ronald.

Yeah, sometimes I thought
you was black in your past life.

Listen up, Ronald,
I gets to confess to you.

I was born and raised
in South Central L.A.

I only fake this here Chinese accent.

Say what?

What'd you go and do that for?

Well, growing up,
all the kung fu movies-

- my father had me watch...

...all the heroes
had Chinese accents.

Bro, you need to watch
some other movies.

Can I still be a martial arts
hero without a Chinese accent?

Dang, Buf, people love
you because you are you.

Hell, I bet you they
won't even notice, man.

Hey, guess what?

Since we're talking,
I suck at basketball.

Huh.

Hey, Buf.

Let's make a movie.

Al?

That's me.

Impressive, I tell you, impressive.

Oh, hi, Al!

Gracias for coming in
on such short notice.

This is Buford and Ronald.

You must have seen AI's powerful
performances in movies like.

Death Fist 4,
Die Like the Bastard You Are,

- and my personal favorite,
Donkey Kickboxer.

Stop, you're too kind, Mr. Tarzana.

And it's a pleasure seeing
you again, Master Lee.

Yo, Al, please call me Buford.

Okay, Al, I will play the r...

I will read the role of Cho San Wan,

- so whenever you are ready,
you can start, my love...

I mean Al.

Action.

So!

You're here to avenge-

- the death of your
master's brother!

First you will taste
the toes of destruction-

- when I kick you in the mouth!

Next you'll smother-

- in the deadly smell of my armpit-

- when I headlock you into darkness!

You have offended my family,
the Shaolin Temple,

- and my nose.

Prepare to fight.

Wa-ta!

Okay, that was phat.

I'm impressed, man!

Thank you.
That was crazy.

That was hot.

Thank you very much.
Bye, Mr. Tarzana.

Take it easy, man.
Bye, Al.

That was very hot.

Isn't he good?

I need some water.

That was great.

Let's do this scene again,
except this time,

- let's not make it as big, okay?

What? Ow!

In this scene, just think
puppy dog, puppy dog.

Security!

Next!

Action.

Mercy.

Oh, I ain't tough enough.

Bad boy! Bad!

Yeah, she was good,
but I don't know.

I'm hungry.

That's it for the bad guys;
We have one more audition.

♪

Hi, Buford, Ronald.

It's good to see you guys again.

And wow.

What an honor it is
to meet you, Mr. Tarzana.

Oh, Sushi, you are so raw.

Have you met Mr. Lee?

Oh, yeah,
Buford really fell for her too.

Ugh, I'm still having
nightmares about that.

I'm so sorry.

Please, don't worry about it.

Buford, why don't we see how
you two kids match up together-

- in the scene, huh?

Oh, that would be great.

Why don't you go
on and get up there?

Okay.

I can only come to you
with true honesty.

The first time we met,
it was like a reunion-

- of soul mates from a past lifetime.

♪

I... I...

...I...

The scene is page 60, Buford, 60!

That's your line.

You are my reason to come
back alive from this quest.

Yes, that is why I cannot leave you.

I will always fight by your side.

That is why you must
avenge your master's killers-

- and I must avenge
my father's killers.

Oh, my love, we will
never be apart again.

That was booty-licious!

Absolutely scrumptious!

Really?
Yummy.

Yummy?

Let's do this:
Why don't we pick up the scene-

- where Miss Tingaling
confronts the villains?

Buford, why don't you
just stay up here-

- and play the part for Sushi?

That would be such
a big help, Buford.

Yeah, sure, sure.

Okay.

This is at the climax of the story,

- when Miss Tingaling gets spanked.

Sorry.

Has been strapped to a hard pipe,

- a big, black, hard pipe...

...in the torture chamber.

And she has just broken
free of her restraints,

- when Mr. Bad Guy
forces... his way... in...

...side.

♪ Ooh, baby, ♪

♪ I want to get some of your ♪
♪ sweet, sweet, trouble and ♪

♪ Want to lick your candy ♪
♪ till the juice run down. ♪

♪ Gotta get your nectar, ♪
♪ want to put it in my mouth. ♪

♪ Sweet love and sugar ♪
♪ is twice as nice. ♪

♪ Who will love you baby... ♪

Excuse me, Mr. Tarzana.

Should I just start?

Needless to say,
she's pissed off at this point.

Yeah, Sushi,
don't be afraid to open up.

Just let it go, here, all right?

Okay.

What do you want?

While my men are beating the
crap out of your Mr. Hero Man,

- I thought it'd be a good time
for us to get better acquainted.

Well, I do have some free time.

And I would love to get to
know you much, much better.

Let me introduce
you to my left breast...

- And my right fist and my left fist!

Die, Mr. Bad Guy!

Bravo, Sushi!

Sushi, my queen, my queen.

Baby girl, baby girl!

That was the best performance
I've ever seen in my life.

Ay-ya!

You are just delicious
for this movie, delicious.

What do you think, Buford?

Buford?

Without music,
there is no soul, no vibe,

- no good feeling in the film.

But if you got that,

- that's when you bring all
the ladies here, you know?

Hell, yeah, I'm telling you, man.

This is my first time
as a boom operator.

You see, Buford heard me rappin'
at his nephew's birthday party

...and saw me handle the mike.

The first time we
rehearsed the fight scene-

- and he let out one
of his famous screams,

- I couldn't believe it.

If they had a world's record for
the loudest screams in movies,

- it'd go to Buford.

He is the real deal, man. True.

You want to hear the track
I'm working on for the movie?

Why not?
Okay, check it out.

Wa-ta!

Are you ready?

Oh, yeah, yeah.

♪ There's a man ♪
♪ who kicks it like no other, ♪

♪ So gather around; ♪

♪ Hear what I've got ♪
♪ to say about this brother. ♪

♪ He's not Ling Ching Chong ♪
♪ from Hong Kong. ♪

♪ We call him Buford Lee ♪
♪ out of South Central. ♪

That's all I have right now,
but I need some music to it,

- and I think it's going to be
jimmy-jammin' when I finish it.

What do you think?

Hey, we can work out something.

Cool.

Here we are at the fighting
rehearsals for the actors-

- and the stuntmen,
although we had to share-

- the space with the belly dancers.

Don't even worry about it;
Don't even fret.

Just prepare to fight!

There are proper rules
for fighting the hero.

When the hero is surrounded
by the bad guys,

- they can only
attack one at a time.

An excellent technique
for the bad guys to use-

- while waiting their turn-

- is the traditional method
of circling around the hero.

Yo, Buford, check this out.

Let's have them do the snake.

To throw your opponent off,
hit him with the snake.

Okay, now hit him with the robot!

With the riverdance, come on.

Buford gave me my first job;
It's about 12 years ago.

It was on Indiana Jung and
the Temple of the Shaolin.

I was delivering
port-a-potties for a company-

- that delivered port-a-potties
to sets of movies-

- and stuff like that.

I was on my regular poop collection.

And I see there's no cook.

"Buford, baby,
what's the problem here?

Let me cook for these guys."

Bam!
And there it was, 12 years ago.

People always ask me,

- "Sammy, baby,
what's your favorite story?"

I met Buford, and he put
me on this great movie.

It was Revenge of the Latino Dragon.

It was Chu Yu's last
fight scene, to the death.

He was fighting the Little Dragon-

- and the Mexican Cucaracha gang.

Anyway, it was Cinco de Mayo.

I went to him; I said, " Listen,

- "out of respect for the
Mexicans, let's pay homage.

Let's make a big Mexican meal."

Let me tell you something.
I cooked my... ugh!

I made enchiladas;
I made tacos; I made burritos.

I had the rice.
I had the guacamole.

I had the onions, the tortillas,

- and a ton of refried beans.

The cast and Buford ate it all up.

And right after lunch
was when they shot-

- that famous fight scene.

♪

Oof.

You, stupids, go!

Ay, caramba.

Ay, caramba.
Hit him in the knee!

Get up, stinky.

Hyah!

Yah!

You have been chosen
by your country-

- to compete in the most
prestigious tournament-

- in the world.

Join me in our
celebration party tonight.

And go fight tomorrow
as if there is no tomorrow.

You got it, man.

You mastered the style
of speaking out of synch-

- in just two lessons.

You're a natural-born
martial art actor.

Thank you, Master Wilson.

Man, I can't believe it;
You got Don "The Dragon" Wilson-

- to come to the martial arts
acting class, man.

He's just a great buddy, man.

Yo, Master Wilson.

I've been working
on this all night.

Tell me what you think.

I am a French légionnaire,

- and I am here to avenge
my brother's death,

- in a fight to the death.

Blood-spatcon-tiste,
prepare to fight!

Ow!

Fantastic, Tyrone.

You see, it's not just
exciting fight action-

- that makes a
martial art movie great.

A martial art actor must
learn all the accents-

- as well as proper
delivery of dialogue.

Understand?

Thank you.

I love my butt.

You play too much, Buford.

But I'm so excited to
start shooting tomorrow.

You got that right, Ronald.

Hey, and thanks, Sushi,
for coming on board-

- as our producer.

And as our lead actress.

I can't sleep tonight.

I am so pumped.

Hey, you guys,
I think you should hear this.

The Sundance Film Festival
starts in two days.

The deadline for the
entry was months ago.

I misread the dates.

At least we'll be
ready for next year.

Next year?

Look what you did.

Say, Pops.

Buford.

Hungry?

Nah, that's cool, Dad.

Something ain't cool.

Say, do you ever think about-

- doing something
else with your life?

Maybe I should just be a cook-

- and run this here
restaurant for you.

Get out of here.

Kitchen, we'll talk.

You know, time has got a
way of creeping up on you.

And when it does,
it's going to kick your ass...

...front kick ya.

I know.

All I ever wanted to do was just
get a chance to prove myself.

Sometimes I wonder if I'm...
what if I'm not good enough?

What if I'm not bad-ass enough,
or I never hit it or...

What if, What if,
What if, What if, What if?

What if you ain't
bad-ass enough?

Who's gonna care?

And how you gonna know
at least if you don't try?

It's like... here, this old duck.

It's just a duck;
It feeds a lot of people.

But, Buford, I'm telling you, man,

- you gotta punch and squeeze,
and you gotta flip it around,

- and you're going to
have to do lots of shit-

- that you don't want to do, man.

But that's life;
That's living.

You gonna have to scratch and
scream and holler and moan-

- and...

...I know, man,
'cause it happened.

It happened to me.

I got to this place
where I started to listen-

- to all my "buddies"
telling me what I could do-

- and I couldn't do and I
shouldn't and I wouldn't-

- and a-biggy da ba-biggy
bop-bop-bop.

Come on!

One day, I woke up
so convinced, I quit.

I quit.

I gave up my dream,

- put my dream away.

Look here, you don't do that.

You do not do that.

It's traditional on the
first day of shooting-

- to pay respect to the movie gods.

You take three sticks of
incense and bow three times.

One...

Wait for me. Wait for me!

Ow! Ow!

Get off of him!

And so began our
first day of shooting.

The opening scene is when Buford,

- as Cho San Wan, rescues Sushi,

- as the beautiful Miss Tingaling,

- from a bunch of troublemakers.

And action.

Buford was magnificent
with his slow motion-

- hero entrance.

Please!
Let me go!

Get the mic.

I have to say, he does it better
than anybody in the business.

Help me.

Oh, my God!

When Buford finished that first
take for the opening fight-

- and looked into Sushi's eyes...

Untie me.

Cut!
Print that mother right there.

That's the one we want!

Was that it?

I just knew our movie-

- was going to be a huge success!

I knew it.

It was good?
It was real?

You were fabulous too, brother.

Was he in my light?

Cut!

My directing style
was fast and furious.

The shoot went as
smooth as a baby's booty.

I don't understand how
the premiere invitations-

- for the new Jackie Chong
movie were misprinted-

- and sent out with the address-

- for the 18 Fingers of Death premiere.

Hmm, it is also a
coincidence that both-

- were at the same time on the same day.

You can bet your ass-

- this matter will be
looked into immediately.

But for now, we'd better
get next door to the theater-

- because it's showtime!

Your soundtrack was off the hook.

Yeah, I got some more dope
ones at the house, though.

Give me a call.

Do you represent anyone like me?

Not one as talented, though.

I've got to get some of
that martial arts stuff-

- in my next movie.

Mr. Lee, your performance-

- as the wise martial arts
director was so real.

Are you sure you've
never acted before?

Oh, girl, I have been rehearsing
and practicing my entire life-

...so that one day I could become
a major kung fu movie star.

It worked.

See ya.

Hey, guys, all right, all right.

Give me some up in here.

I am so proud of you guys, man.

Congratulations,
that was beautiful in there.

Thank you, thank you.

Listen, I've got to get
back to the restaurant-

- and help Mom with the
after-premiere dinner party.

And how about this one?

Mom sprung for our very own
karaoke machine.

♪ Party, party, party, party. ♪

I'll catch you over there, guys.

See you, Dad.

Your pops is crazy, just crazy.

Hey, man...

Ronald Mack!

Yeah, that's me.

I am absolutely blown away
with your directing talent.

Thanks a lot.

I know you!

You're Joel Gold,

- the biggest action movie
producer in Hollywood!

But how did you
know who I was, though?

Come on,
I know talent when I see it.

That's Why I am
who I am.

You be at my office

I want to sign you
to a directing deal.

Man, you yanking my chain, right?

All right, I'll tell you What.

Let's make it a 27-picture deal.

Jo-Jo, let's go; I'm so hungry.

Oh, Mr. Gold,
I want you to meet the man-

- that made all
of this possible here.

Meet Mr. Buford Lee.

Yo, Mr. Gold, it's my
pleasure to meet you...

Yeah, me too.

Why don't you meet
us for dinner tonight.

We'll go over some movie ideas.

See you at Spago's, eh?

Gotta run.

Bye, boys.

Bye.

Do you know who that was?

That was Mr. Big Time, man.

He can make just
about anybody, man.

You gets to go; It's your shot.

I'm happy for you, man.

Look, I'll give you a call
tomorrow; We can do lunch.

I gotta go.

I always knew we
were going to make it.

♪

Sushi, you're still here.

You know, I am just starving.

I Wish I could find a talented,
handsome movie star-

- in a red shirt who could
possibly take me to dinner.

As you wish.

I would be honored.

Oh, Mr. Decker, why don't you
go ahead and take the night off?

Or, if you'd like,
you could follow us-

- and film our
falling-in-love montage.

♪

Buford, think fast.

Buford Lee's funhouse.

Uh, yeah, I can give him a message.

Uh-huh?

Uh-huh.

Um, oh.

Okay, yeah, I'll tell him.

What's up?

Ronald's personal secretary
just called and said-

- that he's going to be so busy
working on his next film-

- that he won't have time
to finish the documentary.

He wants you to
keep all the footage,

- and he wishes you good luck.

Buford, I'm sorry.

Hey, Sushi, will you help
me finish this documentary?

Really?

Will you be my new partner?

I would love to be your new partner.

Count me in, Buford!

Hey, thanks for hanging
with me, Mr. Decker.

You know, I can edit all these.

I just got a new
system off the internet.

You have a new editing system?

Yeah, it's still in the box,
just came in yesterday.

Here are the ratings-

- on the first and second
run of your documentary,

- The Way of Life:
A Biography of Buford Lee.

This was just
terrific, Mr. Tuner.

And we want you to know
that we're so grateful-

- that you believed in our project.

It's not often we get someone to
pay us for their documentary.

Now we're here to pitch a
big money-making idea-

- that is sure to
make Buford's career.

Tell him.

Mr. Tuner, imagine Sushi
and I are in a warehouse,

- and then...

Welcome to Kung Food.

And a movie.

This week's movie classic
is considered

- the Gone With the Wind
of martial arts movies,

- our personal favorite,
Enter the Dragon,

- with the legendary Bruce Lee.

And cut!

That was great,
just really terrific.

It was great?
Okay, good.

Okay, you need to move
on to the next set.

How's your back? Is it okay?

And your head?

Oh, this thing's fine.

This week's Kung Food recipe:

We will show you how to make-

- one of Master Bruce Lee's
favorite dishes,

- pan-fried chow mein with spicy...

Chicken!

But right now,
we have to pay our bills.

Watch this commercial from
our very generous sponsor.

Even after a nine-course
dinner, there's always room-

- for Honorable Fortune Cookies.

Wa-ta!

Five, four, three, two...

We're back!

Coming up, our special guest was
one of the background extras-

- in the final fight scene
in Enter the Dragon.

But, for now, enjoy the movie.

And see you on the break.

Hey, Buford, What's
Bruce Lee's favorite drink?

Wa-ta!

Ai-yah!

Hai-yah!
Hai-yah!

Hai-yah!
Yah!

Master Lee, would you have
time for that interview now?

Please, call me Buford.

Sure, now is a good time.

What magazine is this again?

Inside Kung Fu,

- the biggest martial arts
magazine in the world.

Uh, first off,
congratulations on the success-

- of your public access cable show.

We've got a great team.

We have the entire Los Angeles
County market saturated.

Well, except for Beverly Hills,

- certain areas in Hollywood,
Santa Monica.

So, anyway, What are you
planning for your next movie?

I want to explore some
very different approaches-

- to the martial arts genre.

Something futuristic?

Maybe something
with special effects?

So you are the aerobics/martial
arts instructor-

- on this giant space ship, okay?

It's, like, the ultimate luxury
cruise liner of the future.

And there's a love interest,
of course, right,

- and a lot of martial arts
sequences, right?

But the kicker is that this
ship is doomed to collide-

- with this giant meteor,
and there's not enough-

- emergency escape
craft for everybody.

So you sacrifice yourself
for the woman you love...

...and float off into space.

Okay, it's going to be really
expensive, and, obviously,

- there's no sequel,
but it could be-

- the biggest blockbuster
in Hollywood history.

Hey, in fact,

I happen to have a script-

- right here.

Check it.

I just got a great idea.

I'll be right back.
Be right here.

Yes, I need the contracts today!

Get them done in an hour,
or you're fired!

What is it, sweetie pie?

We have our next movie project.

It's crazy, I'm telling you.

I even have the title.

We will call it:

In a time when there was no law,

- they are cooking-show hosts by day-

- and crime fighters by night.

Coming soon
to a theater near you.

Well, we only have a trailer;
We are looking for financing.

But there is a title:

Buford, I'm so glad to
be back with you, man.

All that Hollywood glam,
that's just not my thing.

And, of course, you know-

-we've got to finish our
movie with a music video.

You know it.

♪ When it comes to ♪
♪ that kung fu fight scene, ♪

♪ I'm a show you ♪
♪ who'll do it the best. ♪

♪ He has a fist like lightning ♪
♪ when he's striking, ♪

♪ 18 fingers of death. ♪

♪ Who got technique, ♪
♪ sweep you off your feet, ♪

♪ Quick jabs'll put you ♪
♪ off your axis? ♪

♪ Call him master. ♪

♪ You see What happened ♪
♪ to them deadly thugs: ♪

♪ Roundhouse kick ♪
♪ put your face in the mud. ♪

♪ Don't underestimate ♪
♪ one Who's straight, ♪

♪ Buford Lee, ♪
♪ and he's here for the take. ♪

♪ Look, you can see ♪
♪ how he moves swiftly. ♪

♪ Sing along with me. ♪

♪ When it comes ♪
♪ to that kung fu fight scene, ♪

♪ I'm a show you ♪
♪ who'll do it the best. ♪

♪ He has a fist like lightning ♪
♪ when he's striking, ♪

♪ 18 fingers of death. ♪

♪ When it comes ♪
♪ to that kung fu fight scene, ♪

♪ I'm a show you ♪
♪ who'll do it the best. ♪

♪ He has a fist like lightning ♪
♪ when he's striking, ♪

♪ 18 fingers of death. ♪

♪ They went from row to wrist, ♪
♪ from wrist to row, ♪

♪ Swapping the tapes, ♪

♪ Making Buford Lee ♪
♪ stop the show. ♪

♪ Independently trying ♪
♪ to do it big: ♪

♪ Now y'all see ♪
♪ how the rough life is. ♪

♪ And trouble don't end. ♪

♪ 18 Fingers of Death: ♪
♪ scenes of a closed curtain ♪

♪ Of one man's last... ♪

♪ Watch your step, ♪
♪ causing trauma to your brain. ♪

♪ You goin' remember ♪
♪ the name: Buford Lee. ♪

♪ When it comes ♪
♪ to that kung fu fight scene, ♪

♪ I'm a show you ♪
♪ who'll do it the best. ♪

♪ He has a fist like lightning ♪
♪ when he's striking, ♪

♪ 18 fingers of death. ♪

♪ When it comes ♪
♪ to that kung fu fight scene, ♪

♪ I'm a show you ♪
♪ who'll do it the best. ♪

♪ He has a fist like lightning ♪
♪ when he's striking, ♪

♪ 18 fingers of death. ♪

♪ When that fist hits you, ♪
♪ boy, you're sober. ♪

♪ Bring fights to a closure, ♪
♪ throw one from the shoulders. ♪

♪ Let me take you for a run. ♪

♪ When it comes to them ♪
♪ action scenes, ♪

♪ You know, Lee gets it done, ♪
♪ going after his dream. ♪

♪ Whoever thought ♪
♪ he could make it ♪

♪ To the big screen, ♪
♪ doing big things? ♪

♪ Started off ♪
♪ with the small-time flicks: ♪

♪ 18 Fingers of Death, ♪
♪ all time hit. ♪

♪ Bringing pain ♪
♪ like the deadly thugs, ♪

♪ Knocking them up, ♪
♪ now sweep 'em under rugs. ♪

♪ Likes saving the day, ♪
♪ but ain't getting no love. ♪

♪ Or worse, the country boys ♪
♪ sounding off in the club. ♪

♪ Them boys creepy, ♪
♪ so you'd better stay low. ♪

♪ Ask that Suzy Q ♪
♪ which way to go. ♪

♪ So if you're kickin, ♪
♪ leave that frame froze. ♪

♪ We're here and low, ♪
♪ trying to get on the go. ♪

♪ Buford Lee's coming out, ♪
♪ and it's time for the Show. ♪

♪ When it comes ♪
♪ to that kung fu fight scene, ♪

♪ I'm a show you ♪
♪ Who'll do it the best. ♪

♪ He has a fist like lightning ♪
♪ when he's striking, ♪

♪ 18 fingers of death. ♪

♪ How could you ♪
♪ leave with diamonds ♪

♪ Where they ♪
♪ can't be found? ♪

♪ 'Cause all of the diamonds ♪
♪ are way underground. ♪

♪ I go digging for gold, ♪
♪ mama, that can't be found. ♪

♪ 'Cause all of the gold mines ♪
♪ are way underground. ♪

♪ I got to dig something ♪
♪ to get through the day. ♪

♪ Diamonds and gold mines, ♪
♪ they all slip away. ♪

♪ And I'm digging for guano. ♪

♪ Digging for guano, ♪
♪ a gold mine for me. ♪

♪ Yes, I'm digging ♪
♪ for guano on rocks by the sea. ♪

♪ Digging for guano. ♪

♪

El guano me hace rico, hombre.

♪ I go look for my family, ♪
♪ but they sailed away, ♪

♪ Take all my money; ♪
♪ they leave me to pay. ♪

♪ People come looking to see ♪
♪ where I've been ♪

♪ The front yard, it stinks, ♪

♪ But the weed ♪
♪ has turned green. ♪

♪ I have to dig something ♪
♪ to get through the day ♪

♪ To keep my investment ♪
♪ from turning to hay. ♪

♪ I've been digging for guano. ♪