1313: Night of the Widow (2012) - full transcript

Honey ...?

I want a divorce, Michael ...

Well, well, looks like the
gang's all here.

Hey, Damn near, anyway.

Hey, kiddo.

Hey, rock star.

I guess you prefer comfort
over tradition, huh?

Hey, I don't do ties.

Well, still, you look good.

How's the band doing?

The band's actually broken up.



I'm scrambling for
my next check right now.

Hey, who needs that angst-rock
crap anyway, Right? Go solo.

The glass is always half-full,
huh?

Yeah. Half-full of whiskey.

Good to see you!

Bin like five years?

You, uh ... you look well.

Ya well Maybe you could have
called me and

told me that five years ago.

I meant to call ...

Alright but you should have
called me five years ago.

I meant to... Really ...

Wow Five years? Really that's
a long time, Come on guy's .

Why did we all fall out of
touch like that ha ?



Well, I know Shane's excuse.
What's yours?

Hey, I'm a on going social
engagement, You know what

Im saying? What's yours ?

College?

Please?

I don't know. It didn't feel
like that long ago.

Until... you know, until I got

Yaa...

That call last week.

Michael. Anybody
know how it happened?

I heard something on the news.
The police said it was murder

Damn.

Why would somebody
murder Michael?

I don't know.
But it happened here.

They said it was a robbery
Michael woke up to them

ransacking his house.

And now, we're here for
his viewing

At his ...
... very big, exotic mansion?

Ya..Its a wonderful
world we live in isn't it

So ... where is everybody?

Define "everybody"? Ol' Mikey
was an orphan -- that's how

he got this place
when he turned eighteen.

ell I think we're as close as
it gets to

"friends and family".

Well, there's his brother.

Peter? Are you kidding?

Naa Those guys won't even live
in the same country.

Peter's probably on a yacht
somewhere, throwing a party

And there's Michael's wife.

What .. Mikey was
married?

So I heard, anyway.

What...

Well, one of us was bound to
settle down and grow up,

Eventually!

Yaaa!

Does anybody feel like
we're being watched?

From where?

There.

They're arriving ...

I saw it! Somebody's in there!

That's a statue...

No, No..

It is a funeral. It could be
the funeral guy or a lawyer!

It's somebody,
that's for sure.

Well.. Should we wait
out here?

Well sure who whoever it is,
there probably wondering why

we are standing out here
instead of going in side..

Probably ! After you?

Hello. I've been
expecting you.

I'm Konner Friel, director of
the Parkside Funeral Home.

I was a friend of the
deceased.

You raaaaaaang ...?

It was Michael's wish that the
ceremony be kept small, and

at his home.

It seems you were expecting a
large turnout, despite that.

Mr. Stevenson was very popular
in the community. We set up

extra seats in the event that
persons who were not directly

invited were to show up.

"Invited"

Ya, Who gets "invited"
to a funeral?

I realize this is somewhat
esoteric, but all will become

clear shortly. It was
necessary to inform you

directly about the funeral.
You see, Mr. Stevenson had

recorded a living will before
he died. It was very specific

that you were contacted
directly to attend

the services.

And we're it?

I'll leave you to pay Mr.
Stevenson your respects. When

you're ready, I have some
business matters to discuss

with you.

Can you believe
this freakshow?

Man , Oh Man..

My sentiment exactly. How
did this happen?

How could we let five
years go by?

I mean we were best friends
back in school.

It happens. People
drift apart ...

Cremation, huh? Not me,
man. Live fast, die young,

leave a good- looking corpse.
You know what i mean..

Why do we always think
we're so young and this

could never happen to us?

Because we are and it usually
doesn't.

Michael lived a little wilder
than the rest of us.

So? That doesn't mean he
Deserves this!

I remember how he was
back in school. Playing

practical jokes on people ...

Chasing anything in a
skirt ...

What? It's true!

Just ... lay off, okay, Nero?

Look, you cats mourn how
you wanna mourn, and

I'll mourn how I want to.
Alright !!

Jeez....

Here's to you, Michael, ol'
buddy ol' Pal . You lived

fast, you died young
and you left behind a ...

small pile of ashes.
And you were one rich S.O.B.

Alan ...? Are you okay?

Wow, I knew Alan was
sensitive, But Damn..

Stop being such a jerk, Nero.
Remember school?

What?

Remember school?

What about school?

He's always been like that.
I mean Remember when he was

on meds for a while, tried
to kill himself. Remember?

Getting cutting
from the football team.

he was closer to Michael than
the rest of us..

Ok..

I should go get him, huh?

I'll come with you ...

No -- I'd better do this one
alone. This needs a woman's

touch. Besides, it's probably
not a good idea if you came

You'd just make things worse.

I'll go!

What did I do?

This was a mistake ...

This wasn't supposed to
happen Michael ...

We where supposed to go
away together, Michael ...

Remember,

See? You never really
lose it after high

school. It's like
riding a bike.

More like ridinga rusty Moped,
For you..

Watch it!

What?
Did I hit a nerve?

I got nerves
of steel..

Alright since you have nerves
of steel,

I got a dare for you.

Oh, ho, a dare?
Go for it.

I dare you to
pack a suitcase

and fly away with me?

Fly away with you?

Yeah.We will go to some
tropical island start over..

We could
be bartenders or something.

Let me get this straight.
You want me to give up

my millionaire lifestyle,
fly off with you to some

yet-unidentified tropical
island and maybe get a job

as a bartender or something?

When's the last time you heard
of a dare be so easy.

Well, to be honest,
it doesn't sound like all

that crazy of an idea. No
matter what you have, you

wind up hating it, sometimes,
you know?

But?

But.. I couldn't do it.
No way. I mean, what the

hell would I tell my
wife anyway ...?!?

I forgot, you're married..

Its funny I haven't met her,
every time im around she's out

out! You know lesser man might
think you were making

this so called wife up?

Look, I'll come clean. There's
a reason you guys don't

know about her.

And that reason is ...?

I'd rather keep my
private life private, okay?

How can this happen !

Alan ...

Don't worry about me,
Bess. I'm fine ...

Please have a seat!

Wow.. What's this all about?

Before we are to begin, I am
instructed to play

Mr. Stevenson's living
will for you.

Creep-o-rama!

Indeed.

There's six chairs.

Yes. Six of you were invited
to the reading.

Six?

Yourself, your companion Mr.
Nero here, the two others that

accompanied you here ...

And Hayden ...

Hey Guys! I was over
there, paying my respects and

heard
you guys in here ...

Speak of the devil!

What's going on?

I guess it's
Michael's living will.

His living... will?

Please be seat, Mr.
Castlemeyer. I'm certain all

will become clear to you.
Shortly ..

I guess the other chair's for
his brother?

His brother was specifically
omitted from this reading.

Wow, even after he dies, he's
got it in for his brother.

Un-frickin'- believable ...!

Right.

To answer your question, Mr.
Michaels, the sixth seat is

Mr. Stevenson's widow.

His widow... This is
waaaay too much.

What ? Michael...
Had a widow?

Wow this is what i get for
showing up late..

Well, shouldn't we like wait
for her? What about Bess?

and Alan?

Ahh.. Alan's a bit freaked out
right now. Bess went to go

grab him Im sure we can just
replay it when they come

back..

I hoped to inter Mr.
Stevenson's remains before the

sun went down.

But in hopes of moving
along, I'll begin playing Mr.

Stevenson's will for you and
if they show up, Hopefully

They can see it... Other why's
i'll make an exception and

replay it for them later.,

Excuse me, Isn't this suppose
to be done in a

lawyer's office?

Like I said before, I'm an old
friend of Mr. Stevenson's. It

was in written instruction for
us to handle the

the reading of his will, as
well as the other arrangements

somewhat unorthodox
proceeding.

"Unorthodox proceedings?"

Hi, gang!

Oh, man ...

Whatt!

This just keeps getting
weirder and weirder ...

If you're reading this,
chances are pretty good

that I've moved on
to the Great Beyond

-- or that I finally put
together that harem of

talking about. In any
event, I'm no longer

here and the six of
you, the six watching

this DVD, are my
only living legacy.

You were all my best
friends. You helped me

through some of the
worst times of my life,

and helped make
some of my best.

And to repay you for
being the incredible

people you have
always been to me,

I am leaving you my
fortune.

Not in my wildest
dreams ...

Shhhhh! This is important!

It was very important
to decide how I would

split up my inheritance
with my best friends and

my beautiful wife. I
also know that my

brother, Peter, will
most likely contend my

last wishes. Therefore,
I had to go about

things in a slightly
unusual manner.

I have instructed my
old family friend, Konner

Friel, to hide a key
somewhere inside of

my mansion.

He is to allow you
to go anywhere inside

my house that you wish,
to look for the key.

One of you will find it.
To the one who does:

it unlocks a safe here
in the den. The safe

contains the deeds to
all my property, as

well as the numbers
to my Swiss bank

accounts, the title
of record to all my

cars, boats and my
private plane. You will

be given legal ownership
to my entire fortune.

You may then divide
the estate in any

manner you wish,
among the others who

have been invited to
attend my funeral.

Or ... you can keep
it for yourself. That's

for you to decide.
I figure, doing it this

last gift of a treasure
hunt, a game, I don't

want you guys to
mourn my passing.

I want you to be
happy. I know, in

your hearts, you will
be fair to each other,

and fair to my memory.
And Nero,

don't ask Konner to
tell you where he's

hidden the key. He
won't tell you.

Come On ...

And to the rest of
you: I love you all.

Thank you for having
enriched my life. I

hope I've done the
same for you ...

Why am I even surprised?

I'm surprised I haven't
torn this place apart already!

Now look. This is wrong
or at least im fairly

certain it's wrong.

Screw "wrong", I
need the cash!

This is what I get for
showing up late, right?

This is ridiculous.

Where's Bess and Alan?

Alan got emotional and took
off, Bess took off after him.

They should be back by now.

Because they need
to see this, right?

I think we should
forget about it and go home!

Just tell me: this is
one of Michael's jokes,

right? There's no key?
Michael just dug the

fact that we'd spend
his funeral running

around his house playing
"Scavenger Hunt"?

This isn't a joke.

Well, this is wrong.Give the
key to his wife or something

When ever she
decides to come..

Look We gotta go
find the others.

We got to tell them
at-least about this ...

I don't even think I know
about "this" ...

One more thing, Mr.
Michaels.

Ya..

Mrs. Stevenson is
already here.

Well, Then we will find
her, too.

You have no idea ...

Bess?

Alan?

We definitely gotta talk.

"Mumbling"

Michael said
"whoever gets the key".

They snooze, they lose.

What's the one place
you'd hide something

in where you'd be sure
nobody would look?

Okay, Fine, it's
just like cleaning

out a litter box ...
except the kitty

litter's your old
drinking buddy ..

Man, I am not getting
blamed for this ...!

You really think anybody's
up here?

Well, We need to find
out where the hell Nero is?

We get every one riled up
and this thing turns

into a friggin' circus.

What do you care?

Well, I don't know
about you, but

l was good friend's
with Michae

Actually, I'm kinda surprised
every one showed up...

Michael Did some pretty messed
up things over the years..

I think he was pretty
much the reason

everybody decided
to go their separate ways.

Especially Nero.

What does that mean?

Look, I didn't put the
pieces together until

you guys mentioned
Michael had actually gotten

married .I heard that,
too, but come on, it's

Michael. We are
talking about here.

I didn't believe it.

What do you mean "pieces" to
what?

Nero told me a story one time.
He was kinda vague about it..

But...

Supposedly, Michael comes
home from a business

trip. He was supposed
to come back a day

later, but the flight got
bumped. Something like

that. He gets home and
-- surprise! -- there's a

strange car already parked
in the driveway.

Michael ...

What are you doing here?!?

I was about to
ask the same thing.

Where is she?

Seriously, man ..

Where is she, Nero?!?

Your going to regret this,..
Both of you..

It was Nero. He'd
been seeing Michael's

wife behind his back.
Before that, they'd

been best friends.

And Michael didn't
get a divorce?

Come on you know Michael.
I bet you he had

four or five girls side..

He probably with one
of 'em on that trip.

I think he was more
messed up that it was Nero

he found with his wife.

Man, this worse than
a soap opera!

Tell me about it!

No wonder his widow
didn't show up.

She's probably
embarrassed!

Thats what's
worse: How did we all

not get invited to the
wedding? C'mon,

you know Michael would
have made a big deal

about tying the knot.
What's the big secret?

You're talking about
a guy who turned his

own funeral into
a free- for-all.

Your Right...

look, Doesn't like anybody's
up here.

What do you want to do?

I say we go back
downstairs and see

if Alan and Bess
are around.

Speaking Alan what's
the big deal? I mean, .

He's taking this
pretty hard..

Do you think him and Michael
were an item?

I think the less we
know about what

everybody was up to
since school, the

happier we're gonna be ..

Bess....

What are you doing up here?

I'm looking for Alan.
Apparently, he left the

bathroom, but now,
I can't find him.

What are you doing up here?

Well, it seems like
Michael's last wish was

to hide a key to his safety
deposit box somewhere

around here and now
everybody's crazy to

find it.

Bess? You okay?

Yeah, just kind of disgusted
that Michael would pull

a dumb stunt like that.

Well, We need to find Nero
before he single-handedly

tears this place apart. If you
see him,

tell him to stay put..

You know he's not gonna
listen to me!

Then kick him in the
crotch or something ...

What's the problem?

See for yourself.

Uh ... what the
hell's going on here?

You got me. Maybe they
ran out of coffee? Shane

Try again.

Now look, I came in here
and found the urn or

whatever the hell you call
that thing like that. Empty.

Look if this is a practical
Joke, it's not funny.

Yeah ... You know remind me
never to anything to do with

Michael Stevenson again.
I usually like to having

my head messed this
much unless it's got a descent

dee-jay and flashing
lights to go with it.

Well, Maybe that Konner
Friel guy scattered the

ashes already? He
looked like he was in a hurry.

I'm not a funeral expert,
but if he were going to do

something like scatter
the ashes, wouldn't you

need to take along
the urn?

I came in here right
that "living will". what ever

hell that was. There
wasn't any time for

anybody to do anything.

Do I even want to ask
how you where the first

one to find the empty
urn ..

Ask away, bud.

Maybe you snorted it...

Piss off, bookworm! Alright I
came in, here looking for the

key, and i thought the creepy
dude stashed it in with

Mikey's ashes that's it that's
how I found, okay?

Dude..

Anything else you want to
criticize me over?

That's sick.

Hey, if people weren't
sick, we wouldn't need

penicillin!

Ok, cool down, Nero.
This is serious.

Ummm....

Here's something
else you're gonna find

.. but there were no
ashes to begin with.

Damn..

Look, maybe we should go
find that

funeral director guy ?

NO,, what we should
do is leave!!

We already paid our respects.
The rest of this,

we don't want to
be a part of.

Speak for yourself, Shane.

Yeah ... I mean, if I find
that key, it's not

like I'm handing it
over to charity. I

love money, too.

Look I have a very
strong feeling that if you do

find that key. Your not going
to like it..

Oh My GOD..

Ya I mean cut the
"bad karma" crap, Shane?

Look, Michael left one of
us a large, large

sum of money.. He did it the
typical Michael way.

This..This Is probably
just part of the joke.

Yeah. I know. Were on par for
the course.

Ya Well.. Any you guys go
find the funeral director.

Whoa, Whoa..
Where are you going?

I'm gonna be rich
by sunset, suckers!

Dammit, Nero..

Let him go. He's not
going to find the key.

That's not what I'm worried
about. What I'm worried

we should
probably call the cops

and when we do Mr. Space
Cadet is running around,

trying to find the key..
and then there going to think

we're involved
in this.

If the cops show up... We will
just pretend

like we don't know him.

Maybe
he went out for a late lunch?

Or a drink.

Or to meet up with the
rest of the Addams' family.

Maybe he did do something with
Michael's ashes?

Look I'm telling you, there
were no ashes in there.

We could always call the cops.

Sure, "YA, Nine-One-One?
Ya look somebody stole

my buddy's ashes. No,
I'm not on drugs.

No, I swear, You know how
ridicules that sounds ?

Besides, what if we're wrong
and the cops come and

we crash Michael's funeral?

Michael did a pretty good job
of that all by himself.

Why was Nero
doing in there, anyway?

Oh, joy. It's the "ol'hide
the key cremation" gag.

I just dont know why Nero was
that desperate for the money.

The bigger question is why
would Michael leave us

the rest of his money..

We're his friends?

Na, I mean we ended
things badly.

Really?

Ya, I did some
"creative accounting"

for him a while back and
lost him a ton of money.

It was right around the
time we all went our

separate ways. I don't
think he ever forgave me.

So why would he give me
the opportunity to get

the rest of his money?

Maybe he forgave you?

He seemed like he forgave
a lot of people..

You know what would
be funny?

Uh ... what? Because I could
use a good laugh.

Let's Just say that Konner
Friel hid the key in

this bar and then, let's say,
I find the key and i give the

money to everybody
except Nero ...

That would be pretty funny.

And then, let's say ...

What is it? The key?

A black widow's veil.
Who cares?

Michael's wife probably
stashed it in there..

Why would she put it in the
bar?!? I mean

why is it in there..

Well, If this chick is crazy
enough to marry Michael,

Well, If this chick is crazy
enough to marry Michael,

she's Likely crazy enough to
do just about anything ..

Besides why would Michael
have a widows veil in his bar?

He was a little
weird,but it's not like....

Oh, boy ..

Is any body here?!?

I'm beginning to think
this was a bad idea ...

Godd....

This is terrible ...!
How could this happen?

Who would have
done such a thing.

Mrs. Stevenson?

Mrs. Stevenson? Im so sorry. I
dont know how

this could have happened!!

I dont know who would do
such thing?

Mrs. Stevenson? You ... I
have to call the police .

You have to help me on this
one?

Mrs. Stevenson ...

This is no way to run
a funeral, Mr. Friel ...

I have, have, dont know
who would have done this?

We're going to need another
body to burn ...

If you want my honest opinion,
I think we're being

messed with.

Yeah ... but by who?
That funeral director?

Maybe. "Friend of the family"
my ass!

he's a little big to be
dressing up as the widow?

That's the whole thing,
nobody's actually

know's what the widow
looks like. Do they?

You think the whole widow
thing is fake?

I don't know, maybe this is
one of Michael's joke?

Maybe it's a scam? Whatever it
is,somebody's up to something.

Yeah, but why?

I don't know. But there's
money involved;

Probably some thing
to do with it.

I'm starting to think
you're right

about not wanting that key
thing...

Thank God. I've got an idea.

Shoot!

We get everybody and get
the hell out of here.

Hey ... where are you going?

I'm going to round up
the others.

By yourself?

I'll tell 'em what I found and
they'll probably stop looking

for the key..

That's doubtful ..Nero seems
pretty hell-bent

on finding his fortune

Not if I kick his
ass first..

Great and i get to stay
here ... By my self..

And wait for the others ..
Yep.

Have you never done
this before?

Are you going coming back
to get me, right?

No. I was going to wait
for you to die..

Noo, Im coming back alright!

If that funeral director comes
back before I do though,

Just play dumb.

Wait ...!!!"If that funeral
director comes back..

Damn it..

Er ... who's there?

Um, Mr. Friel? I was...
I got lost so i just thought.

it would be best to just
hang out by the bar..

I don't even believe
that...

This defiantly messed-up!

Still empty...

They coulda hidden the damn
thing anywhere!!!

I Wish I had a map,
So much easier...

Is that where you
hid it, Mikey?

You made it a secret toy
surprise in the

the box of Wheaties ...?

Look Mikey i'm sorry you're
dead, Really okay i am..

Alright .. but I
need to find that key.

Tall Tony doesn't take Visa,
know what I mean?

Nero ...

Ahhhh...!!!

Awhhh,,, Who are you? How did
you know my name?

Michael told me all about you.

What are you
doing in here?

I could ask you the
same question.

Ya bet uh.. I could answer
it before you could

answer why the hell
you're wearing a veil

in the middle of the
afternoon in some dead

guy's kitchen.

There are some things
you don't want to see.

Trust me.

Oh yeah? Like what?

Like my handiwork.

Where the hell is everybody?!?

Hey!

Holy crap ...!

Sorry about that!

It's okay. This place is a
friggin' maze.

Cant find any body.. It's like
they all went home.

And this is not a place I
wanna hang out by myself.

Well, where did everybody go?

Are they still looking
for that key?

Yeah, good luck trying to talk
everybody out of

it. They're all looking for a
big payday, even if it's

their dead best
friend's money ...

Terrific. Alan's traumatized,
he runs off, and I spent

most of the day trying
to track him down.

And for some stupid
stunt like this! I

should've known. Michael
was always good

for some sick practical
jokes.

It gets worse.

How?

Michael's ashes is missing.

You're kidding.

Somebody is. Hayden
thinks there never

were any ashes in
the first place.

Anybody bother to call
the cops?

I don't know what's going on.
I thought that Konner Friel

guy scattered ashes
or whatever but

but I can't find him, either.

It's like every one
here just vanished.

By the way ...

Ya..

Were gone this whole time,
looking for Alan?

It's a big place, Shane.

If you say so.

Shane ..

Are you calling the cops?

I would ...

... B ut the phone's dead.

And I have
zero bars on my phone.

Mine, too.

I'm never going to
another funeral. Ever.

You think I had something to
do with all this?

long time.

You're making a mistake ...

Oh ... God ... Hayden .

Shane ... Shane

The widow is here..

What?

The widow's here ...
I saw who it was ...

It's Her! Its Her!

It's ok... It's ok..
We'll get you to a hospital...

Bess,, What's going on?

Don't.

Bess ..

One of you was bound
to figure it out. It's me.

I'm Michael's widow.

Why all these years of
secrecy? Why now?

Because they think I did it!!!

I've already gone a few rounds
with the cops. I didn't need

you all to come down on
me, too ...

You killed him, didn't you?

No! I loved him! He was the
poison! All he did was hurt

me! Cheat on me! He broke my
heart! He made me feel

like I was nothing!

Michael ...

What are you doing here?!?

I could ask you
the same Question ?

Where is she?

Seriously, man ...

Where is she, Nero?!?

You didn't "catch" us doing
anything, Michael

I got your message, I
knew the flight got

bumped. I also know what you
did in Reno last week.

Paris, last month. Hell, the
detective I hired has

stuff on you for the last
year. And look on your

face right now? Priceless.

How could you ...?

Either of you ...?

Come on man. She said you were
ok with this!

Besides there's always
room for one more ...

You're going to
regret this. Both of you..

Michael!!!! Michael!!!

Michael

So we went through a "trial
separation". Just more cannon

fodder for the cops.

You don't know all the women
he was with. I tried. I tried

to stay with him
through all that ...

Just put down the knife ...

You think I killed Hayden,
too don't you? And the others.

Who else is dead?

I don't know what you're
talking about, rock star.

Look I'm being serious,
Bess. You need help.

I'm being serious, too!
Nobody's gonna treat me like I

killed my husband! Nobody!

I guess you better
start running now.

Come on out, Shane ...

I just want to talk to you,
rock star!

Come on Shane ...

I'm going to find you..

I'm going to find you and

I'm going to kill you ...

I can hear you, rock star.

You're telling everybody about
how I killed Michael!

Listen to this, you psychotic
bitch!

You're not gonna hit
me with that!

That's the best you can do?

Come on Shane.. I just
want to talk!!

We can work this out..

I know you're still
in this house Shane...

I locked all the doors.
Nobody gets in, nobody

gets out. Not until
they listen to me ...

Come on, Shane, one more time
for old time's sake?

Just like high school. Right!
You remember school right,

You and I dated,
Michael and I dated -- hell,

I even made out
with Nero a few times.

We don't have any secrets,
do we? That's why you know I'd

never kill Michael ...

And there is something
else you should really know

-- and this is the part
you're really gonna

find funny...
there's no key, right?

This whole thing
is Michael last big sick

joke? You think he'd
ever leave anything to

anybody? Even after
he died? He was like

one of those Egyptian
pharaohs. He'd have it

all buried in a crypt before
he'd ever leave a dime to

anyone! He laughed at you
guy's behind your backs!

Best we do this quietly,
Shane.

I'm sorry, Mister Bojangles.

But that money is mine ...

If there's anything I hate,
it's a poseur ...

What's wrong, Bess? Confused?

Okay, put that friggin' knife
down before you hurt somebody.

Had you going, didn't I?

Yeah, well, just don't forget
the plan. How long were you

planning on taking to kill
that crazy bitch, anyway?

Had to make it look
convincing. Otherwise, the

the whole "widow flips
out" routine ... Wouldnt work.

Honey ...?

I want a divorce, Michael ...

Bess would never say that.

Are we going to do this
or not?

I wanna take of this
stupid costume.

It's gotta look
convincing for the

camera. The cops are
gonna find a hole in it

somewhere. I can hack
timestamps and edit

some stuff out, but
they'll be looking

for mistakes.

So I can't wear a
hockey mask or a

jumpsuit or something?

I'm establishing a
theme. Bess is

obsessed with being
a widow. She runs

around all dressed
up in a veil, she

kills me, then, she
wipes out everybody

else at the funeral
because I she thinks

I was gonna leave one
of them all my money.

Then, once my will
gets sorted and all

the assets get
transferred to an

overseas account, you
and I split the

proceeds and we
live tax- free in

some tropical resort
somewhere. Everybody

is gonna get what's
coming to them ...

Well, short of stabbing
you to death myself,

I don't get how they'll
believe you got murdered.

Trust me, my friend
at the Parkside Funeral

Home is going to
handle that part, alright?

How? Is he making
up a corpse to

No.... He's gonna forge an
autopsy report, then

claim to have "cremated"
the body so nobody

can go looking for it.
As far as he knows,

I was involved in some
sort of scandal before I

died and my folks are
paying him to clean it up

it up. Can we get
on with this?

Yeah? What if one of your
"friends" decides

to spill the beans?

I'll take care of all that
at the funeral ...

So. You liked the plan huh?

It was a little more elaborate
than it needed to be.

Did everyone need to die?

A necessary evil. I had
to make sure Konner

autopsy report, and I
had to take care of

Bess, make it look like
she'd flipped out

and did all this. You
know that. There's

been security cameras
running this whole time.

After a performance like that,
and with a little editing,

there ain't a jury in the
world that would convict you..

you. All they'll know is
that Bess flipped out and

went on a killing spree
at some imaginary

funeral she set up.

What about the others?

Well, all those guys screwed
me Five years ago, now

it's my turn. You get set
for life and I get to get out

of this dress. It's hard
to pick up women in a

widow's veil!?

No more loose ends?

Nope.

Good.

Because uh, didn't
want to split your estate

with anybody else.
Especially not you.