1313: Haunted Frat (2011) - full transcript

During Spring Break, a fraternity built atop the burned ruins of an insane asylum is haunted by a sinister visitor...

Gordon ...!

Yeah, what, Smiley?

Where the hell is everybody?

Spring Break, man. There's still
a few of the guys around

because of the game. Everybody
else is gone til next week.

Yeah, well, that's great, except
I got stuck writing this tenth

anniversary essay for
the fraternity.

So?

"So?" You told me we'd all
pitch in on this.

Why do I have to
do it by myself?

I thought you were the brains of
this outfit?



Apparently not. You know this
counts as part of our review,

right? If I don't get it done on
time, they cut our funding.

Talk to Andrew.

When did we all start taking
orders from Andrew?

Since always. He's the head of
the fraternity, man.

Well, I didn't vote for him ...

Guess what? I'm going swimming.

Gordon ...

I hate Spring
Break ...

(Knocking)

Hello ...?

Smiley, if that's you, I'm still
not helping you with that

essay! Cowboy up, dude!

Gordon ...



Hello ...?

Why won't you play with me,
Gordon?

Okay, what's up with the
Peeping Tom routine?

Well, whoever you are, I hope
you like what you see..

(SCREAMS)

Huhhh..

Huhhh..

That was so not funny, Kels!

Not from where I'm standing ...!

What are you looking for?

A puddle!

Are we done now?

Come on man. I'm sorry I gotta
amuse myself somehow ...

Glad you have some free time
on your hands.

What's wrong, little
buddy?

Knock it off, huh? I'm serious.
I got stuck writing

the essay for the
frat committee.

Ohh, that ten-year
anniversary thing?

How did you get that gig?

Because everyone else
either went home or

decided to hide
out from me.

So Anyways, if you're just
sitting around bored,

maybe you could ...

Uh-uh, man, I would but uh, I
got a month's worth of

laundry to take care of before a
stroke of lightning strikes and

brings it to life or something.
How about some one else?

I know Andrew's still here, so
are Brad, Liam,

Cliff, Dude get Gordon ...

Well, I already tried Gordon,
but he blew me off to go

swimming.

No he didn't. I was just at the
pool. and theres

No one is there.

Well, somebody's gonna help me.

Well how hard could it be to
write about this place? Some

rich guy builds a mansion,
decides to donate it to the

fraternity a month later. The
end. Add some paragraphs

about rich people boom
your done.

It's not that simple.

Sounds pretty simple.

You know about
the place that was

here before the
mansion was built?

A national park?

Try an insane asylum.

What?

Yeah. Some kind of sanitorium.
I couldn't believe it, either,

but I just read it in my copies
of the public records ...

So, what happened to the
sanitorium?

Well, I didn't get exactly to
that part, because you

decided to mess with me.

Wait, Just now, you were
reading? 'Cause that didn't look

like "reading" to me.

No, I meant, up in my room ...
Look, anyways, What's

important someone else
besides me is gonna work on

this. Or else I'm gonna go
swimming and let you guys

worry about the frat
losing it's sponsorship.

Ok Fine, if I run into anybody
else on my way to the laundry

room, I'll send them your way.
That's the best I can do.

Gee, I don't want to put you
out or anything ...

Hey, Don't mention it!
Man!

You don't get enough
of this at practice?

No way, man. They postponed
the game, I'm taking advantage

of the extra down time.

I'd rather have gone on Spring
Break. A bunch of us were

gonna go down to Costa Rica .

No offense, Brad, but the last
time you guys went down there,

two of you came
back in handcuffs.

And no regrets.

I'll tell you what. We win this
game, I'll pay for

everybody to go to Costa Rica.

Then, I suggest somebody get
out their checkbook.

You sure talk a good game.

Somebody needs to take
you down a peg.

Anytime you feel froggy ...

You give?

Yeah, ease up! The last thing
I need before the

game is a dislocated shoulder!

I could have had you.

Yeah. Yeah "Could have".

Well, while I can still move,
I'm gonna hit the weights.

Nice practicing with ya.

Crap! What are
you doing in here?

Don't tell me you've been in
here the whole time!

You okay, man?

Join us, Kelso. Let us show
you how dark it is down here ...

What are you talking about?

Join us ...

What the hell is
wrong with you?!?

Don't fight it, Kelso ...

Oh !!

Please tell me this
is a joke ...

Entre'.

Sorry to disturb you,
my liege.

Oooo, nice!

What the hell do you
want, Smiley?

Some help, for openers.

So ... what's that?

What's this?!? It's the essay
that everybody else blew off!

What the hell do you want
me to do about it?

Well, as head of the fraternity,
I figured you'd kind of be

interested in, you know,
not losing it ...

Again, what do you want
me to do about it?

Some help would be nice.

A bunch of the guys are
hanging around for that game.

Why don't you ask one of them?

I tried that. Gordon's busy,
Kelso's busy, Brad and Liam

are supposedly off practicing
somewhere, I don't even know

where Cliff or Davis are ...

Don't look at me. I don't "do"
essays.

What makes you
think I do?

Aren't you the brains of
this outfit?

Why does everybody keep
saying that?

What do you need me for? You can
bang this out in like an hour.

See, that's what I thought.
Turns, out, this place has a

really wild history. Remember
the old sanitorium outside of

of town?

Yeah, the freaky old hospital
they had to close down

back in the Eighties?

It burnt down. Anyway, guess
what they built in its place?

Here? Are you serious?

I haven't gotten to the good
part, yet. You know when the

hospital burnt down?
Twenty-five years ago today.

This place ain't twenty-five
years old.

Yeah. It was just an empty lot
for fifteen years. Nobody

wanted anything to do with it.
Then, some rich dude builds

This place. A mansion here and
abandons it a month later,

no explanation, no nothing.
He sells it off for a

quarter of the market value,
which is how the Beta Beta

Sigma got it.

I heard one of the patients was
locked in a closet and got burnt

up in the fire. Maybe
it was just bad karma?

There's nothing in the public
records.

Okay, so there used to be a
loony bin here. So what?

So what's the big deal?

What am I supposed to do,
write an essay about the mental

hospital that used to be here?
The committee wants a fluff

piece, not an expose' ...

I'm sure you'll figure out
something. You're a bright guy.

I'm coming back here after
your little game.

Look, man, you get this done
for us.. I'll owe you big. You

name it. I'll give you a free
backrub.

What?!?

Cliff buddy, I need you. I got
a big essay to write!

I'm sleeping!

It's half-past noon!

I had a rough night
last night!

I'm not writing this essay by
myself, you hear me?

I need your help!

I thought you were the brains of
this outfit?

I'm gonna strangle the
next person who says that!

I need some "me time". As soon
as I get up,

I swear I'll pitch in!

I'm gonna strangle the next
person who says that, too.

Huh!

Some people ...!

Join us, Liam. Join
your friends.

Come see how dark it is ...

Who was that?

Betty?

Lisa? I swear to God, you
sorority babes are nuts ...!

Pre-game jitters.

You're just hearing some chick's
voice in your head.

Maintain, buddy ...Maintain..

What's with the negativity?

Did you see Cliff?

I just got up. I was on my
way to the shower.

So ... no? Did you see Gordon?
Brad? Liam? Kelso?

I haven't seen anybody.

They're hiding from me!
I know it!

You mind telling me what's
going on?

First, I get stuck writing this
frat essay. Now, I find out this

place was built over some burnt-
out old insane asylum.

What?!?

Yeah, have you ever hear of the
sanitorium that used to stand

around here?

That place is an
old wives' tale.

No, that place really existed.
Here. It burnt to the ground

twenty-five years ago today.
Then, some rich dude builds

this place on the same lot. He
moves out a month later.

Ten years ago today.

Nah, man, it's a horror story.
It was haunted or something.

C'mon, Davis, haunted?

Yeah, I think they said some
patient was accidentally left

in a padded room when
the fire broke out.

Whatever it is, there's no way I
can gloss over the facts here

and make it sound good.
And it has to sound good.

I thought you were
the brains of this...

Don't.

You want help,
I'll help. We'll figure out a

to spin the whole loony bin
angle. I'm a Journalism major,

so it's no big deal.

Finally!

But first I have to hop in the
shower first.

No. People have been doing
this to me all day.

You'll go off, take a shower,
then, you'll disappear into the

magical world of the cafeteria
or the gym or wherever the hell

everybody else went ...

It'll take me five minutes.

No.

You can wait outside the damn
door.

Okay. Take your shower.

You're really gonna wait
outside the door?

You have no idea how bad I've
been dogged today.

You want a magazine
or something?

I'm timing you.

What hell's going on
in there, Davis ...?

Still having a nervous
breakdown about that essay?

Something is very,
very wrong ...

What?

The guys ... something happened
... something bad ...

they're not normal ...

Define "not normal" ...

Uh ... blank stares, the sudden
need to kill ...

Yeah, very funny.

I'm serious.

Here's what happens. I'm going
out that door. I'm going to go

out into the hallway. And as
soon as I see any of my frat

brothers looking like rejects
from "Night Of The Living Dead"

-- and I won't -- I'm coming
back in here, I'm kicking your

butt and then, I'm gonna fix it
so you don't have to stress out

about that essay one more
minute. Know why? Because

im going to have you kicked out
of this fraternity faster than

can say "campus housing".

Listen. Today is the
twenty-fifth anniversary

of that sanitorium
burning down. Let's say,

for the sake of argument,
they forget to evacuate

one of the patients.
Some girl, some Jane

Doe, she's locked in
a padded room, she's

burned alive. So, each
year on this date, she

comes back and
haunts the grounds.

Only now, it's a frat
house.

And this is the first time
anybody reported it because ...?

The dude who built this place
moved out. Ten years ago

today. Who knows what he
saw? Then, it's a frat house.

And this is the first year
anyone's been here during

Spring Break, because of that
game getting postponed ...

I don't believe you.

Until five minutes ago, I didn't
believe it. But you didn't see

those guys. Something bad
happened to them, and I think

it has something to do
with that patient ...

Like I said, when I come
back, you're out.

Andrew?

Andrew?

Andrew?