1313: Cougar Cult (2012) - full transcript

Henry, are you almost through
with the pool?

Yes, Miss Clara.

Just, "Clara. "Miss Clara
Makes me sound like a

school marm.

Yes miss ... er, Clara.

Maybe Henry would like a
glass of wine?

It might help you unwind after a

hard day's work?

I'm okay, But If you dont
mind i would like

to taking a shower
before I head out ...

Now really i don't see
why you don't see



why you just move
into the guest room.

Well, for one thing,
my girlfriend would kill me.

laughter.....

All right Well, I'll guess
just ... go ahead and take

that shower, then?

Now, If you wouldn't mind
locking up after your

done because the girls
and I are going out in a

bit.

You got it.

I dont know what
has gotten into you?

I'm sorry, it struck
me as funny!

Oh, grow up!

Miss Clara? ... I mean.. Clara!!

Edwina?



Victoria?

Everything okay out there?

Hello?

Miss Clara?

Victoria, is that you?

Hello?

Hello?

Victoria?

Miss Clara?

I know theres some
one down here.

Hello ?

Uhhh, I thought we agreed not to
do this on the new floor,

I got carried away ...

I don't think it worked.

I don't think it did ether.
Where going to have to face it,

the occasional handyman
isn't going to cut it anymore.

Where going to make a
major commitment.

You mean ...?

Where going to have to
claimed our mates.

What about Henry?

I don't know about you, but I
could go for some steak tartar..

SO, this the place?

Yep, according to the online ad
and Map-Buddy. You

want to see the print-out?

No.

Man, I don't know about this.
Looks like some swanky digs.

What?!? This whole
thing was your idea!

Yeah, but I thought it would be
more low-rent than this.

Rufus, Don't tell me your
chickening out.

I'm not chickening out, okay?
I'm being cautious.

Its the same thing.

We still have time to apply down
at The Bronko Burger ...

Guys, we're not working some
lame fast food job! Ok...

How are we going to be popular
if we're just

flipping burgers?!?

Dude where not popular...

Right, Coopersmith.
We're not popular.

COOPERSMITH
Huh....

Like you said, Ok this
was my idea. But look at

This place man.. I mean, these
ladies have to be rich right?

So?

So? They can hire anybody they
want. As in "professionals.

We don't even look professional.

I have a laptop ...

Darwin? Read the ad again?

"Wealthy single woman seeking
young, agile men for full-time

live-in maintenance and personal
masseuse positions. Experience

not necessary, non-smoking
college students preferred.

Sure, it sounds great on
paper it'sss...

Wiping up after some old ladys
doesn't sound all

We're right at their front
door and you guys

just want to go home?

Ya and now that you're pointing
that out, We are at their front

door so we should probably...

Shut up, Darwin. What's the
worst that can happen?

They can say "no.

Ya they can say "no.But whats
happen if we leave here and dont

do any thing at all?

Well I have to have to move back
in with my parents 'til fall.

Right again.

Your going to have to move in
with your parents. Darwin's

gonna have to work at his
uncle's computer store. And I'm

And I'm gonna have to move
back to Idaho. I am not moving

back to Idaho,
Rufus Ok. I hate Idaho.

So, Why don't you cowboy up.

What does that mean ...?

It means follow me

Hello! Can I help you?

Um ... yes. Are you ...
Clara Clayton?

Yes, the one and only.
And you...?

Coopersmith...
Charles Coopersmith.

Why Mister Charles Coopersmith.
What brings you to my door?

And who are your friends?

Im Rufus.

And I'm Darwin. Uh,
"Milo Darwin.

I see ...

Umm Well, we're here
-- uh, the three of us

We're here about the ad you
posted online? The one

looking for college students to
work here

for the summer?

Oh,The ad! Well, you're so
lucky! You're the first of the

applicants to arrive!

Great!

Do we get our own rooms?

Well we will see about that.
I would like you to meet my

sisters.

Sisters?

Mhhmm...

Such handsome boys!

Uh ... thanks.

Ohh, gracious me,
where are my manners?

These are my
two lovely sisters...

They call this one
"Victoria" ...

... and this one "Edwina".

Hi...

It's a pleasure to meet
all three of you.

Quite.

Please, have something to drink!

Uh ... thanks ...

I'm thirsty ...

That's an interesting necklace.

Well, thank you.Ohh It's been in
the family for generations.

You boys look a little nervous.

We're fine. Really.

Are you a virgin to all this?

Uh ... excuse me?

What my sister so eloquently
meant to say was, "Are you new

to living away from home?".

Yes. Of course.
That's what I meant.

Oh, well.. Ya you know,we're
college students. So we still

live on campus?

Ya We're all sophomores at the
university. I mean, we will be.

We're all kind of looking for
summer jobs..

And we're hiring..

Yes, we ate our last one ...

Please bear with us, gentlemen.
I'm afraid the three of us have

a reputation

for being a little on the
eccentric side.

You join one witches' coven ...

Ohhh, the Eighties

That's a joke, fellas.
It's ok to laugh.

A joke... Right...

Well I think its time to
probably ask the usuall

questions.

Do you smoke?

Nope.

Smoking is bad for you.

Smoking cigarettes is
bad for you.

Lots of friends? A girlfriend?

Lots of girlfriends?

We're, kinda in the middle
of girlfriends right now.

You like what you've see?

Huh?

Do you like the place?

Um ... yes. It's very nice.
It's um, kind of reminds me of

home. You know, if my home was a

mansion in Malibu ...

We have three job openings,
which is perfect for you

gentlemen. We're looking for a

full-time pool maintenance man,
a cook

and a personal masseuse.

But we expect all three of you
to perform house-cleaning

duties, landscaping ...

Bartending ...

No problem.

Well if there are no more
questions, I think it's safe

to say, that you are hired!

They get my vote.

Absolutely.

Wow. Really?

We brought resumes' ...

I didn't.

Shouldn't we fill out an
application or a W-Two form.?

I think a handshake
will do nicely.

We'll pay you in cash, of
course. No need to get the

government involved ...

There's a catch, right?

No catch.

By the way,Um which
one of you is the cook?

Ummmm..

Ohh Crap...Great! It's me!

This is the dining room.
Breakfast is at Ten, and dinner

around Seven..

And the occasional brunch. Don't
worry; we're easy to cook for.

No filet mignon or foie gras.

And no junk food.
We're watching our figures.

Ka!

We don't each much ...dinner.

Pardon me for asking ...
You three are single?

Who needs husbands when you
have ex-husbands?

Or can hire three young tasty
morsels like yourselves?

What my sister means to say is
that, we do enjoy the company.

Its just that we can be a little
boring, I mean we came to a

place in life where we are just
three old spinsters.

You? Spinsters?

Well, we're not dead yet, Its
just we enjoy are peace and

quiet. See we grew up overseas,

on an isolated estate in South
America. We ... prefer our own

company.

Excluding the three of you,
of course.

Besides, if we get bored, we
can always order take out.

Darwin...

What the hell, Rufus?!?

You were having a nightmare ...

Yeah. I was having a nightmare.

What are you doing in my room?

We got a problem.

Gee, you think? You know,it's
a good thing i took home ec

high school otherwise,
I wouldn't have

known how to make the veal
Parmesan I had to make

last night ...

Yeah, and it was delicious ok..
Back to me: I don't know

anything about being a
"personal masseuse.

Let me recap. You two drafted me
as the cook.. I am not a cook.

Im not a cook.. If you wanted
me to be the masseuse guy

somebody else should have
taken the chef job.

I don't know how to cook,
either!

You two wanted a "fun summer
job, It's not my fault if you

don't have any marketable
skills..

So, what am I supposed to do?

Well have you ever given
somebody a massage before?

No ...

Go ahead take off your shirt.
I'll show you how..

All right,,,Feel that? You have
to find out where they're most

,tense then knead the muscles
to get

the oxygen flowing ...

This feels pretty good!

Hey, I wanted to ask you
something. You notice that

necklace Clara was wearing?

Could you get my neck while
you're back there?

I'm being serious! I know I've
seen that necklace before.

I wasn't paying attention.I mean
Did you see those women?!? I was

kind of preoccupied
with what they weren't wearing,

so, no, I didn't
notice any necklace.

Okay, fine.

Hey, Seriously, man, if you
want out of this, just quit. Ka,

Coopersmith and I can handle it.

Coopersmith won't "handle it
and you know it.

Okay, I'll handle it. Just
don't stay here if you

don't want to.

It's not that ... Its just
there's something weird

about all this.You know we
get the job right off

the bat? We're getting free
room and board, great

pay, these women are
extremely hot and They didn't

even asks for references? I mean
something about this doesn't

any of this seem a little
off to you

Don't look a gift horse in
the mouth.

Speaking of Coopersmith, how's
he handling his new job

Are you kidding me? He's never
been around a swimming pool

In his entire life...

I guess you will be next
Mr. Coopersmith ...

I'm ready for your massage ...

Really? You're quite
overdressed.

Overdressed?

Yes. I like my masseuses to show
a little more skin. It's a trust

issue. The more you show, the
more I feel comfortable showing.

Please, go change into something
a little more trustworthy

In fact, when I get back,
I expect that shirt to be gone.

Which one of us is getting the
massage here?!?

Great! Now, I'm hearing things!

Whoa, what's your problem?!?

Being the pool cleaner sucks!

Yeah, that's why I took the
masseuse job.

Well, I want to trade.

No way, Jose'. That girl Edwina
is making me strip down for

her massage.

Dammit!

Hey, man, this was your idea ...

Ya, i wanted to work here all
summer for three hot ladies.

Not get sunburnt by
the pool all day..

Looks like your massage is
getting postponed.

Maybe he's the pizza
delivery guy?

Ya, he's delivering something,
all right.

Don't rub off your bad karma
on me.I was having a

great morning.

Hello!!!

Are you ... Clara ?

Are you breakfast?

I've been every meal in the
book. But you can call me

"AnsonMam.

I like your manners.

I try. Should I come in?

Well if we're going to come in
your going to have to loose

about ninety percent of that
outfit.

See we like to just cut right
to the chase here.

"We?

Me and my sisters and I hope
you've been taking your vitamins

Oh, I come prepared for
any situation ...

One bed? I like how
you women think.

Time to sleep ...

Is he ready?

He seems to be.

We should be sure.

We only have a few more days,
and "being sure" will be

least of are problems.

Girls? Can we save the
dramatics for later?

Ka.. Light the candle.

By Ba'al and by Carthin, I call
to thee. By Legba by Zuul, I

pledge my life to thee, sweet
Kala-bast

The goddess in all of us...

I pledge my life for thee,
sweet Kala-bast ...

Within this candle's flame, let
the spirit of thy servant flow .

Let the spirit of thy
servant flow ...

The powder ...

Let this powder be as your
ashes, the dust of thy

servant's flesh ...

Thy servant's flesh ...

Thy servant's flesh ...

The oil ...

And with the sacred oil let it
be as your blood..

let it flow over you, give
us eternity ...

GRANT US ETERNITY!!!

GRANT US ETERNITY!!!

It worked.

Ohh, Such a handsome boy. Too
bad he was such a jerk..

The others should be ready
soon enough.

We have one small problem.

Which is?

Our chosen ones must come
to us of their own free will.

We need to step up the game.

In a few more days, Kala-bast
will no longer show favor on us.

They can surely be persuaded.
And we can surely persuade them.

Talk later. Eat now ...

As you can see, I changed my
wardrobe.

Are you ready for your massage?

Put your shirt back on. I need
you to run a quick errand for

me..

Okay ...

Those are the keys
to Anson's car.

You're talking about the guy who
showed up here a little while

ago, right?

Wow, smart and pretty. Yes. I'm
afraid he had a little bit too

much to drink and had to take a

cab home. What I need you to do
is, drive his car to the public

parking lot next to the Belasco

Bank building downtown. Leave
the keys in the ignition and his

car unlocked. I'll call him and
let him know you delivered it.

But ...

Trust me, he'll pick it up as
soon as you get there.

do it myself, but ......

I just painted my nails.
You understand.

How do I get back?

You need change for the bus?

No ... I should be okay ...

Thank you, Rufus. You're a doll.
You can oil me up when

you get back.

I was listening from the
kitchen. This doesn't strike

you as a little off?

Man, who knows? Maybe he was
their dealer or something?

I think he was a gigolo.

A ... what?!?

I think they hired
somebody for sex.

Thats why they got us right?

Right. That's why I think they
hired somebody for sex.

Also, I have a really good view
of the front drive from the

kitchen. I haven't seen a
cab all Morning.

Maybe he walked?

Or maybe they chopped him up
into little bits and hid

him in the basement.

This place doesn't have a
basement.

Look, I'm just saying, Things
are getting weirder by the

minute.

Ya whatever, Man, I got things
to do. Like I keep saying: don't

look a gift horse in the mouth.

Gift horses don't eat
people ...!

Coopersmith? You okay?

Coopersmith! Hey wake up!

Yes, Coopersmith ...
Come to mama....

We're ready for you,
Coopersmith.

Eww.... He's almost too
good to waste ...

Maybe we can keep him ...

As a pet.

What's happening ...?

How did I get here?

I sent for you, Don't you
remember?

No.

Well your here.

I dont remember..

Mhhhm..

Dont you ever think about you,
me and my sisters?

We want you to stay,
Coopersmith.

What's going on here?

We want to play with you,
Coopersmith.

But you have to want it.
You have to ask for it.

Really ask for it ...

Ohhh.. Please?

Put your hands on them
Coopersmith.

That's right, Coopersmith ...
just relax ...

I... I.... This is,, This is to
weird for me....

Don't just touch me and
walk away!

We want a little steak with are
sizzle.

We want to play! Just say "yes!

I shouldn't be going ...

I dont think you will be leaving
soon...

CLARA
Time to sleep ...

You should have let us have our
fun with you Coopersmith.

Then you would have

gone out with a smile ...

Light the candle.

By Ba'al and by Carthis, I call
upon thee. By Legba and by

Zuul, I pledge my life for thee,

sweet Kala-bast, our
goddess of us all ...

I pledge my life for thee, sweet
Kala-bast our goddess ...

Within this candle's flame, let
the spirit of thy servant flow.

Let the spirit of thy
servant flow ...

The powder ...

Let this powder be as
your ashes,

The dust of thy servant's
flesh ...

Thy servant's flesh ...

The oil ...

And let this sacred oil be as
your blood ...

let it pump over you,and
give us eternity ...

GIVE US ETERNITY!!!

GIVE US ETERNITY!!!

And Now, we have to move faster.
Kala-bast has become impatient.

And you don't want to see an
angry goddess ...

The other two will be
harder to convince.

The solstice is too close.
The time for subtlety is over.

I want our mates ready
for the final ritual.

How? Without anybody suspecting?

That's the least of our worries.
Nobody will come looking for

the boys until it's too late.

Lets get to work, ladies.

We gotta talk.

Can we talk after my cereal?

Hey..

We gotta talk now.

About?

I just saw the sisters
turn into cougars.

Is that a euphemism ...?

No,

I really saw them turned
into cougars.

Big cats. They put Coopersmith
into some kind of a trance and

there was this ritual and
they just

...kkkk!.. Cougars

Dude, please sell me whatever
you're smoking..!!

I'm being serious! I realized
where I saw Clara's amulet.

It's the same design as this
South American totem on

display at the Natural
History Museum.

Kala-bast.

The "who in the "what now ...?

Kala-bast. There was a whole
tribe of Amazons that worshipped

her centuries ago. Ka
they believed

that Kala-bast kept them fed,
kept them healthy and gave them

eternal life. All they
had to do in

return for that was mate with
mortal men from the other

tribes and -- here comes the

important part! --
eat human flesh.

What do you think happened to
that Anson guy who showed up

here? You think he
just left in a

cab? No! They ate him!!!!!

Oh, my God. I mean you have
lost it my friend..

They said they grew up in South
America, right?

So maybe they found that amulet
and they're using it to, I don't

know, make themselves

young again? Or make
themselves wealthy..

Alright, look, man, I'm feeling
a little under the weather...

I just wanna eat my
breakfast, do

my work for the day and crash.

This is probably more than I
can deal with ...

Something's up with you.

Are you having weird dreams?
Wake up tired?

Ya, Me too. In fact, that's what
woke me up this morning.

It's them. They're doing

this to all of us ...!

Look you need to go home,
Darwin. Seriously. You can't

handle this.

I'm not going any where
not after what i just saw.

I'm gonna go eat my cereal
outside. Have fun being a

crazy person..

Your little friend Darwin
doesn't want to play anymore.

Witch makes us have no use

for him, Except for a morcel.

Any ideas?

Lance.

Lance?

The most popular guy on campus..
He would be perfect for you.

Hmmm. You can get him here?
Today?

Yes.

"Yes what?

Yes, mistress ...

Good you will be richly
rewarded.

How did you nerds swing a
place like this?

Man, you'd better not be lying
about this party!

Would I lie to you?

Maybe .. if you thought your
life was in jeopardy.

My life isn't in jeopardy ...

Not yet.

Wow ..What big, strong, rippling
muscles you have ...

Coopersmith didn't tell me
somebody like you would be here.

I'm sure Coopersmith
didn't tell you a lot of things.

I guess you're going to find
those out for yourself now ..

You think I'm crazy now? Since
when does Coopersmith pal

around with Lance? In fact,

Lance is the guy who threw
Coopersmith's bunk off of the

dorm roof a few months ago!

Lance is here to replace you.

Replace me?!?

What the hell are you
talking about?!?

The sisters need their mates in
order to survive. you didn't

want to cooperate with them.

Now, Lance joins us and you get
to be the feast for the

solstice.

Snap out of it, Rufus...
Rufus Snap out of it,..

Coopersmith ...!!!

Coopersmith ...!!!

You got to come with me...
Coopersmith.. I don't know what

they told you, but they're
gonna end up killing all of us.

They have chosen to be their
mates. . All hale Kala-bast!

You're too late, Darwin.

Unlike you, they've fallen
completely under our under

our spell.

And unlike them, you're
about to be eaten ...

I thought you pretty boys
loved cougars?

I think Im going to eat you with
my human teeth...

There'd better be a good
explanation why I'm all covered

in oil ...!

So ... they really were cougars?

RUFUS
Like, literally?

Yaa...

Yoo , Lance, think you could
we get a ride back into town?

Get bent, nerd!

Looks like where walking ....

Never mind that, what about
the rest of the summer?

No way am I flipping burgers
after this!

Oh, I don't know ... I think we
will get a few dollars from a

museum...

Are you serious?

Hasn't that thing caused
enough trouble already?

Think of it like hazard pay.