10 Rules for Falling in Love (2012) - full transcript
Womanizer father teaches clumsy son the decalogue of seduction: ten foolproof rules to make any woman fall in love. But the results will be not what expected.
w w w . p r i j e v o d i - o n l i n e . o r g
10 RULES
TO MAKE HER FALL IN LOVE
"The universe"
"has fascinated me since I was a kid."
"So immense and mysterious..."
"so many destinies,"
"yet amidst billions of stars,"
"each of us has his own place."
"Mine is here."
This is the sun
and this is the Earth.
The earth revolves around the sun
while the Moon
revolves around the Earth.
- Teacher...
- Yes?
I pooped.
That's all right, sweetie,
we'll go get changed now.
I'll handle it.
As I was saying, the Sun,
played by Mr. Orange here...
"Working at this day care"
"is what makes me happiest."
"I realized astrophysics"
"was just a passion,"
"so I dropped out of university"
"and devoted my time to what I love,"
"as we all should do."
"Everything was going fine,"
"until something happened."
Teacher!
Do thunderbolts come from the Sun?
Come with me.
Hello, I'm looking for this place,
it's a deconsecrated church.
Keep walking up the street,
I think that's where it is.
I'll do that, thanks.
- How sweet... Bye.
- Bye.
Teacher,
where do thunderbolts come from?
"Yeah, until that day I had no idea"
"how it feels to be spellbound"
"by a gaze, a smile..."
"How do you explain something"
"that is totally non-rational?"
Guys, the power went out.
Can someone turn it on again?
I'll do it.
Hurry!
I can't read.
The building still has light,
did they cut off our power?
No!
No!
My weed!
My plants require tons of light,
understand?
Killer!
- Now what'll I smoke?
- Chill out.
Marco, he's right,
we even got a cut-off notice.
It was your turn to pay.
- Pretty Woman's right.
- Pretty Woman?
- Put on some clothes.
- Why, you don't like what you see?
Well...
If you want to live with roommates,
you need to cooperate.
Lately you haven't been helping
or cleaning the house...
- Change your attitude or else...
- Or else what?
Do you want me to leave?
- Then just say so.
- Wait, Marco!
- He said it.
- Knock it off...
- I know what the problem is.
- What?
- It has to do with love.
- Oh God...
We're screwed.
Seems like someone upset you tonight.
Forget about women...
Trust me, even if this relationship
ends before it starts,
guess who wins?
You win!
Don't be fooled
when they look at you
with those big eyes.
Introduce him to one of your friends.
Fat chance,
all of her friends are male!
It's useless,
he's already head over heels.
If this chick is really that hot,
he has no chance.
The door...
- Dressed like that?
- So?
The doorbell didn't ring,
is your power out?
- And you are?
- Mary.
- Renato, nice to meet you.
- We don't want a vacuum cleaner.
The Jehovah's Witnesses
already came by,
we don't read or listen to music,
we don't use cell phones
because they emit radiation, thanks.
Hold on,
you forgot about encyclopedias.
Kidding,
I don't want anything from you.
But if you offer me something,
I wouldn't dare say no.
Is Marco here?
This morning
some girl opened her car door
without looking
and left a scratch this big
on my new car.
3,500 euros in damage.
She cried, begged me
to be gentlemanly about it.
Me?
You should've played along,
she would've given you her number.
Oh God!
"This is my father,"
"the sought-after Dr. Sannino,"
"luminary of plastic surgery."
"He hoped for a super son."
"He made me study Chinese"
"at age 5,"
"he hoped I'd be Einstein at 10"
"and win the Davis Cup at 14."
"Yes, tennis, his greatest passion."
"He always gave me"
"performance anxiety, and still does."
"He doesn't understand"
"I'll never be like him."
"A winner, yes..."
"but also a shameless traitor."
"A schemer."
Relax, we'll get rid of all this.
But what about your breasts?
- What about them?
- You're a D-cup!
"A heartless egoist."
- You said you loved me.
- I do, but act like an adult.
"In short,"
"he's chronically immature."
Did you see a ghost?
Aren't you happy I came to visit?
- Why are you here?
- Excuse us.
You know how daddy has golden hands?
There are a few ladies
going through a midlife crisis.
One wanted her rack inflated,
the other wanted smaller buns.
- Oh please!
- The wonders of science...
And you? How's the thesis?
- Thesis?
- Did you finish?
- Haven't you spoken to mom?
- Not in a while.
By the way, I've heard some rumors...
Do you know anything?
- No, don't involve me.
- No, of course not.
- I'm hungry, and you?
- No.
- Have some more, kids.
- Wow, this is delicious.
How'd you do it?
Our fridge was empty.
You need to be creative
and improvise in the kitchen.
Though you should buy
some groceries now and again...
Marco, tell them
who cooked at home: me!
His mom can't even make
a hard-boiled egg.
Her and that asshole must be starving.
- Dad, don't start.
- I was just saying...
- Marina?
- Mary.
- What do you do for work?
- Stuff like this...
And this.
We're kind of
in the same line of work.
And you?
Busy eating...
- You?
- Paolo.
He's an actor.
- Really? Cinema, theater?
- I get by.
- Unemployed!
- Look.
"Stolen Hearts", "Innocent Kisses"...
Paolo is the star of photonovels
for teenage girls.
- Photonovels still exist?
- All great actors started with them.
Look at this.
- A huge success.
- Love letters?
Women?
Definitely women...
A fan who wanted to share
something intimate of hers.
You should see
the guys she brings home!
Add them all up
and you get one brain cell.
Sounds familiar.
What can she possibly see
in that doofus?
She even wants to marry him!
- My mother's boyfriend.
- That handsome man who came here?
- He came here?
- Yes, to meet me.
Handsome...
- Know what he does? Curling!
- What?
Curling!
That so-called sport
where a guy tosses a rock
and the other sweeps the ice
so it slides, some sport!
It's an Olympic sport,
plus he makes mom happy.
Unlike you who always cheated on her,
even with grandma's caretaker.
That was a lifetime ago!
I did it so that the girl
would take better care of grandma.
Tell your mother
she can't marry him, he's 15 years
younger, it's not natural.
That's why you're here,
you've suddenly become jealous.
Jealous?
I don't know what jealousy is.
It bugs me
that an idiot is in my house,
because it's my house, I bought it
with my money, while he's... curling!
You know what?
He's much better than you are.
Don't mind him,
he's going through a hard time.
Hard time?
Why? What's wrong?
Here you are.
So, what about this girl?
Your friends told me everything.
Great.
Is she pretty?
- Yes.
- You're not ugly.
You're nice, smart, you've got it all.
What's the problem?
Don't worry, do what you came
to Rome to do, I'll be fine.
Good night.
- Curling...
"- Who is it at this hour?"
Sorry, I accidentally
leaned on the buzzer...
"- You're Neapolitan?"
- You can tell by my accent.
"- You came here to steal!"
- Don't be silly!
- Where are you from?
"- Caserta."
- Well then?
"- Well then what?"
- Good night.
"- Trying to dupe me!"
Pick me up,
but don't be late as always.
Fine.
I really enjoyed
that Louis De Ricard reference.
- Can we discuss it more next week?
- Gladly.
- I can help you out.
- Okay.
Hi.
Hi.
De Ricard is a bold choice.
He's underrated,
that's why we should discuss him.
- Let's do it tomorrow.
- Sure.
You need to go to the library first.
- Shall we go, ladies?
- Yes, it's late.
Bye.
Bye.
"I'm such a jackass!"
"Why didn't I introduce myself?"
"Why couldn't I think"
"of anything to say?"
"A sophisticated quote,"
"an intelligent comment..."
"And who the hell"
"is Louis De Ricard?"
It's about time!
Folks, here is our ladies' man.
- Why are you here?
- He's been here for an hour.
- He brought muffins, juice, milk...
- They made me a great coffee.
- Maril?...
- Mary.
Make him some coffee, he needs it.
Dig in, kids.
No fighting, this isn't a playground.
We've noticed
you've been a bit stressed out lately,
and we're going to fix that.
- What are you talking about?
- The girl!
I know you don't trust me,
but when it comes to ladies,
you know I have experience.
- Your dad has a theory.
A certainty,
Euclidean geometry.
Folks...
10 rules to make her fall in love.
Rules that many of us use
without even realizing it.
God no!
You're a bright kid, but you have
little experience with love.
- Little?
- None.
Love is not dictated by fate
as they've led us to believe.
Love at first sight,
sparks, violins...
No, my friends,
seduction is an exact science,
with precise rules to respect.
Your dad is here to teach you them.
- You must be kidding!
- Maybe he can help you out.
You've got nothing to lose.
But let's get one thing straight:
no talking about mom.
Rule number one:
A hunter must know his prey.
- Your dad is right.
- It's the same with acting.
You must know your character:
his past, his inner workings...
Hush up, De Niro!
- I'm being serious here.
- Please, let's not shilly-shally.
How old is she?
I don't know... maybe 25.
- What does she do?
- What does she like?
- Who is she?
- What size?
- I don't know!
- Don't get worked up.
Apply yourself
instead of just complaining.
- Tell me what to do.
- Good.
Hot damn, you picked a good one!
If all women looked like her,
I'd be out of a job!
- Her friend's not bad either.
- Dad, stop!
Stay focused
or precious info will slip by.
She's getting a PhD
in French literature.
Her dad's a big Parisian entrepreneur.
She's filthy rich.
- Passions? Interests?
- This is going to be fun.
Gardening.
Art.
Dancing.
She's also involved in social work.
Cooking.
Kite surfing.
But above all... tennis!
No, the sport I hate most.
TRULY TRAGIC
She takes good care of herself,
only the best day spas...
organic and natural everything.
Marco, you shave once a week!
- Let's summarize: height?
- 1.70 meters.
- Body?
- Hot.
- Style?
- Hot.
She's hot, what can I say?
Let's say sophisticated,
alternative, unattainable.
- Excellent analysis.
- Pick a girl within your reach.
No, he's ambitious
like his dad, he aims high.
I have no hope, she's Wonder Woman.
- Nonsense, conquest is a science.
- More like science fiction.
Most women have
Florence Nightingale tendencies.
- Marianna made a good point.
- Mary.
The plan is as follows.
We know she doesn't drive to school,
she takes the bus
since she's an environmentalist.
You'll be standing there.
- What's wrong with my leg?
- You hurt it.
Since she's charitable,
she'll help you board the bus.
- Taking this bus?
- Yes.
- Need help?
- Thanks.
Lean on me.
- Sorry for the trouble.
- No problem.
Once on board, you'll tell her
you hurt yourself playing...
Tennis, your greatest passion.
And she'll say...
Really? I play tennis too!
No way! Then I must know you...
Where have I seen you,
at the university?
- Maybe, do you study literature?
- No, astrophysics.
But I adore literature,
especially French poetry.
Once she takes the bait,
you're free to talk about anything:
from stars to tennis.
- That's some plan!
- There's one small hitch.
Just one?
Didn't I tell you learning to play
tennis was important in life?
Go on, you're exempt
from dish duty tonight.
Tennis is such a drag.
I was in this squat,
the floor is covered
with sleeping bags
with one person, with a couple,
it was the age of free love.
Guess who was standing
in a bathtub full of water
in his underwear
holding an electric guitar?
Who?
Frank Zappa! I swear!
I didn't recognize him so I said:
"You'll get electrocuted, you fool!"
And he strummed...
He played like a crazy man!
I didn't understand a word.
Luckily, it ended well.
- It's late, I'd better go.
- Good night.
Good night.
These toys are so cute.
Who made them, kids?
They're my cousin's,
she works with kids.
They're nice, how sweet.
Thanks for the visit and the dinner,
the sushi was great.
But next time
we'll go to a serious sushi place,
I don't trust take-out sushi,
they use catfish.
- Take care...
- Mary.
I know your name, Mary.
Good night.
- And no more grappa, got it?
- What grappa?
Hey?
How's it going?
I was wondering,
where are your course books?
Never mind, it's late.
You know...
mom sure was beautiful.
She was about your age
in this picture.
When I met her for the first time...
Oh my goodness.
I fell hard for her,
I couldn't eat or sleep...
What did I say?
Marco, in the past few years...
we haven't been in touch much,
but...
I...
You?
You need to study,
tomorrow's your big day.
Good night.
You have a nice room.
You should leave these
at the day care.
Why haven't you told him yet?
You saw what he's like,
he'd never understand.
Can I say something?
He's a good guy
and it's obvious he loves you.
Sir?
Excuse me...
- Can we help you?
- No, thanks.
We're Boy Scouts,
it's our duty, come on.
Let go!
Excuse me.
It's better not to drive a car...
- Sorry!
- Be careful!
- I'm really sorry.
- Are you hurt, ma'am?
Good grief!
Good morning, tickets please.
Thanks.
Unbelievable, you stole my wallet!
- You've been following me for days.
- Me? No!
- Are you some nutcase?
- I saw it.
He bumped into the lady
and slipped his hand into her purse.
- What?
- That's what I saw
Give her wallet back.
You'd better give her wallet back!
Scum!
Check me, I didn't take it.
At least she noticed me.
Stop him, he's a thief!
A fake cripple, if I catch you
I'll really break your leg!
Grab him!
Problem is now she thinks
I'm either a thief or a dumb-ass.
Not a thief...
Why did you run away?
I panicked, sir.
You got lucky
because we caught the real thief.
She's known as "The Granny".
She had 10 wallets on her,
including that girl's.
- Imagine that!
- Listen, next time...
use your head.
- Can I ask a favor?
- Another?
When is the girl
coming to pick up her wallet?
Your mattress is so good!
- I'll get dressed and leave.
- Okay, bye.
- Should I get it?
- Go ahead.
Make yourself at home.
Good or bad, you interacted with her.
Was that Tarzan who let me in?
- Ask her.
- He's a friend.
Did you meet him in a tree?
Why are we here?
It's a surprise, your father
is a very resourceful man.
There's someone important here,
a physics professor.
He's a good friend,
so when you graduate...
- No, please.
- Renato!
Professor Michelini, my friend!
Don't make me look bad.
- Professor Michelini, how are you?
- Fine.
- You're looking fit.
- Fit as a fiddle.
- This is my son Marco.
- Right, the family genius.
Glad you didn't decide
to be a butcher like your dad.
That's not what you said
when I carved up your wife.
My wife...
Looking lovelier than ever.
- Thanks, Renato.
- Don't mind him, he's an adulator.
- You're jealous.
- A tad, I must admit.
Well, Marco...
Your dad tells me
you're working on your thesis.
Yes,
but I still have a lot of work to do.
What's the subject matter?
It's rather complicated.
- Rather complicated...
- Complicated?
- Excuse me.
- Marco?
See?
He's incredibly sensitive,
almost delicate.
Even as a child...
as he was about to score a goal,
he'd stop and leave.
What am I going to do?
Excuse me!
Is there a computer I can use?
"Dark matter...
The invisible trace
of the birth of the universe..."
- What are you doing?
- Nothing.
- Checking my e-mail.
- Right now?
- With the professor waiting?
- Yes.
Come on.
Here's our Marco!
- Great.
- We thought you ran away.
So tell me,
how did your passion for science
come about?
My passion?
In fact, my passion...
One day I asked myself:
"Who are we?
Who am I?"
A speck of dust on a small world
lost in a universe
full of mysteries like... dark matter,
the invisible trace
of the birth of the universe.
We should never
cease to be amazed by this,
because the ability
to develop a passion,
like we do as children
but then let it fade away,
that's the passion
that keeps us human,
that keeps us alive.
What lovely words.
Dark matter is of topical interest.
Impressive.
Great.
Hi!
What are you doing here?
I had to sort out some paperwork,
the police report...
I'm sorry, I feel like a jerk
for causing this mess.
No, you didn't know,
I could've been a nutcase,
but I'm not,
and I wasn't even stalking you.
Of course, sorry.
Your leg is doing better.
- What leg?
- The injured one.
Right, my leg! It's much better.
Good, I felt bad because
you had to run with a hurt leg!
- What was wrong with it?
- Wrong?
Tennis! Years of playing
take their course.
- Really? I play tennis too!
- No way, what a coincidence.
What club do you play at?
I play here, there, all around.
Let me make it up to you
by inviting you to my club.
I'll buy you a drink,
we'll play a match...
Yes.
Sure, it depends on how you play...
Ready to be humiliated?
Let me score one point at least
or I'll be sad.
- Let's warm up first.
- Okay.
What's wrong?
- My ankle, again!
- Lean on me.
- Maybe it's too soon to play.
- No more tennis for me.
- Don't say that!
- What'll I do? I love this sport.
I wanted to invite you
to next month's tournament.
Astrophysics? Wow!
Yes, it's complicated
but it's fascinating
and so satisfying.
I read about the Gran Sasso lab,
can you explain it better to me?
Hold on a second.
- Are you kidding?
- No, just help me out.
There's a girl I like...
pretend to give me your number.
Thanks!
You never change!
What a lunatic!
How wild, we were classmates,
I haven't seen him in ages.
He hasn't changed at all,
still the same grump...
- We were saying?
- The..
- What do you do?
- Me?
I just got my degree in literature
and now I'm holding a seminar
on French poetry.
"Nature is more docile
to our most lofty desires."
"And only we know
our heart's secrets."
- Louis Xavier De Ricard.
- I can't believe you know him.
I discovered him a year ago
and immediately fell in love.
I can't go to sleep
without reading a few of his pages.
You know, these writers
are profoundly sensitive,
they have an immense ability...
Oh God, Marco!
- Sorry, me tripped. You hurted?
- Yes, I hurted.
After two days here
you've caused nothing but trouble.
I'm so sorry about this.
No, it wasn't her fault,
it was mine.
How much do I owe you for the cups?
That won't be necessary.
Let's go.
- You speak Chinese?
- Yes, I studied it when I was a kid.
That was sweet of you to help her.
Poor thing, she would've been fired
after just starting.
Hi.
- Hi, Lucia.
- You didn't come on Monday.
No...
I didn't come see you.
Who's she? Your girlfriend?
No, of course not!
You know you're my girlfriend.
Lucia, leave him in peace, say bye.
Bye.
She's so cute.
Yes, she's a little girl...
who lives in a foster home,
I volunteer there once a week.
What a wonderful thing.
As you heard, I'm spoken for,
so don't hit on me!
Sorry.
Hello?
I totally forgot.
Be right there, bye.
I lost track of time.
I have to go now, sorry.
I enjoyed chatting with you,
hope to do it again soon.
Yes, I...
My birthday is Saturday,
you should come to my party.
Okay.
Give me your number,
I'll text you the address.
Marco...
- Is it clear?
- Yes.
Here.
Bring whoever you want.
See you Saturday, bye.
You were very kind, please eat now.
- Thanks.
- Thank you.
Please eat, don't be shy.
Want some more?
- No, I still have more rice...
- Thanks.
- Can I have more rice?
- Enough, they're not charging us.
Make that two dishes!
It's proper compensation,
you almost got third-degree burns!
Can I have another dish of rice too?
- Right away.
- Enough...
A birthday party, huh? Cool.
At this point,
rule 5 comes into play:
That first date must be
absolutely unforgettable,
that's when a woman decides
if a man is right for her.
True!
That first night, the wall that divides
two people must fall,
that magical energy called "intimacy"
must blossom.
- So what do I do?
- First of all, listen to her.
Anything she says to you,
consider it important.
Talk to her
as if you've known her for years,
as if only she understands you,
but above all,
find any way you can to touch her.
For example:
can you pass me those dumplings?
You brushed against her arm.
"There's a mosquito on your face"
you caressed her face.
Look straight into her eyes,
but don't overdo it.
Throw the rock and hide the hand,
let her feel uncertain.
The door in the john was stuck,
I couldn't get out.
- Did you have to bring him?
- It seemed rude not to.
- Bon app?tit.
- Bon app?tit.
- So, do you like it?
- It's tasty.
- Who opened the bathroom door?
- The Chinese lady.
Dunno, it all seems so fake.
Not fake, well-studied.
Plus, what did we say?
What do you know about?
All women, when they hear
talk about stars, turn to mush.
- In what century?
- Show her Orion!
Goal!
This is the second time you cheated.
- These screens are sweet.
- Like them?
My mechanic installed them.
People used to call him Dumbo
but I redid his ears,
now they're more perfect than Ken's.
Thanks.
Hey, make sure she sees stars!
Hi.
Oh right, sorry!
I forgot to update you,
it turned into a lingerie party.
No worries, come in.
- Hi, I'm Stefania.
- Paolo.
Ivan.
- Be right there.
- This is for you.
Thanks, how nice.
Put it over there
with the other gifts.
Eat, drink, and have fun.
See you later.
Coming.
- What are you doing?
- Blending in.
Take off your pants!
Hello!
Let's go in.
Where's the bathroom?
- Marco...
- Sorry for interrupting.
No, nonsense. This is Ettore,
a friend from the club.
This is Marco.
Nice to meet you.
- I was looking for the bathroom.
- It's over there.
Go that way.
Why not just give me a kiss?
Like I said before,
it's not going to happen.
- Why not?
- Just because, enough.
Cake! Cake! Cake!
No, not a marijuana cake.
Someone might react badly.
My grandma ate one once,
she had a blast!
- I confirm that.
- Just put the cake away.
- It's a cake...
- Hey!
- She said no!
- Who asked for your input?
- Let go.
- You let go.
Let go!
Call the station.
- Guys!
- Where've you been?
It was a sticky situation,
I have a reputation to uphold.
- Renato!
- "Ch?rie! Au revoir!"
- Call me, okay?
- For sure.
Yeah, right!
You know what?
Fuck you, Orion, and your damn rules!
Marco, watch your mouth in public!
Come on, it was a fun night.
Mary will crack up
when she hears about tonight.
That girl was glued to my side,
she's crazy about me.
Did you come to help me
or to hit on girls?
Marco, next time
don't wear those underwear...
And the cake...
You should've let us have a slice.
- Now that other guy's in my way.
- What, who?
- Marco caught her with a guy.
- Maybe he's just a friend.
You didn't see him:
he's the perfect mix between
Brad Pitt, Nadal,
and some kind of prince.
- Really?
- Want to kill a few aliens to vent?
- It was a real pleasure.
- Bye, Ivan.
- See you next time.
- Bye, Paolo.
Hold on, Marco.
Now what, dad?
Is there another rule
to make me look even more pathetic?
Marco, women have a sixth sense,
like animals.
They can sense fear,
you're lacking self-confidence.
Dad, you came here
to teach me the rules of love
but things between you and mom
didn't exactly work out.
I'm talking about rules
to make a woman fall in love,
not rules to make a relationship work,
that's more difficult.
Why did you give up with mom?
You fell out of love with her?
Want to know the truth?
I never stopped loving her.
Did you ever tell her that?
After all I put her through,
she wouldn't hear a thing.
Now she's even marrying that doofus...
- Why not talk to her for me...
- I don't want to get involved.
Fine.
Why not be sincere
for once in your life,
tell her what you feel,
without bullshitting?
You know...
You've had hundreds
of women in your life,
you've kicked up your heels,
but you lost mom.
You can have a thousand women,
but if you lose that important one,
the one who makes you happy,
it's as if you're alone.
Go to sleep.
You'll see,
Stefania will eventually realize...
that she's missing out on a great guy.
Good night.
Thanks, dad.
What are you doing up?
How was your night?
Fine.
But I didn't know
it was a lingerie party,
my dad picked up a girl,
I found my girl with another guy,
then the police showed up
and cited us all for drug trafficking.
- Any other questions?
- Oh, love...
it lifts us up
then drops us into the pit.
What do you know about the pit?
Think you're the only one
who knows about ill-fated love?
No! Mary's in love?
With whom?
Tarzan?
The Chippendale dancer?
Not the hairy, fat one, please!
Paolo?
- I know, it's crazy.
- So what's the problem?
- I don't want to be turned down.
- No way, he's crazy about you.
- He hooks up right and left.
- So do you.
- But I do it to get back at him.
- Sure, right.
I know how things would end up...
I'd be heartbroken.
Why are we all so complicated?
Want some hot chocolate?
Hot chocolate!
Am I at the wrong door?
Are the kids in?
Do you speak Italian?
Do you speak?
- What is that, marijuana?
- No!
Marijuana, no way!
Yes,
just a few plants for personal use.
A few plants? That's a field!
It's mixed with my grandma's
hot pepper plants.
Your grandma...
He studies botany, he was showing us
how to kill the male plants.
It's no joke,
a male plant would pollinate
all the females
and I'd have no weed to smoke.
- I'm calling her.
- No!
- We've been stopping him all day.
- You can't call her.
Rule 6: never be the first to call
the day after.
After last night's fiasco
she'll never call me.
Don't do it, trust me.
I have some good news for you.
My professor friend
was very impressed with you,
he wants to help you out,
but you have to finish your thesis.
- It's her.
- Put her on speakerphone.
- Hello?
"- Hey, how are you?"
- Hi.
- Are you busy studying?
No, I'm with some colleagues.
- Got a euro for a bus ticket?
- On my dresser.
You're paying him?
"- Are you sure you're not busy?"
- No... yes!
"We're on break."
Stefania, sorry about last night.
No worries, it was sweet of you
to stand up for me.
It wasn't your fault...
What are you doing
for the meteorite shower?
- The meteorite shower?
- Yes, this weekend.
Oh, right...
Remember Ettore,
the guy from the party?
He got hit by a meteorite!
How could I forget...
He wanted to go to the countryside
with friends to see it better.
"- Want to come with me?"
- Why not?
Great. Be warned,
it's a no-frills outing, just tents...
Are you okay with savage outings?
Am I okay with savage outings?
I am a savage!
In fact, I...
- My dad called me Tarzan...
- I did survival training!
We couldn't eat, drink, or sleep...
"One guy fainted,"
"but I saved him."
- Then you'll keep me safe.
- You can count on me.
- Pick me up on Saturday at 11:00.
- Saturday it is.
"- Okay, bye."
- Bye.
- Bravo!
- Well done.
You're emptying out the store.
Enough, it's just a two-day trip.
You can never have
too many fire starters,
I'll look like an ass
if I can't start a fire.
- A tent?
- Mary lent me hers.
It's not exactly high-tech,
it's vintage, I'd say.
Speaking of Mary,
have you noticed she's a bit down?
Naturally, she's sleeping
with Marilyn Manson...
- That's mean.
- She is a bit of a slut.
Maybe she's searching
for the right man.
She sure is searching, a lot!
Know what this is? Jealousy!
Hey Freud, move it,
let's go to the butcher's counter.
I think we're overdoing it
with the butcher stunt...
When you're playing a character
you need to do it fully.
Let's go.
When we get home let's check
how many points our loyalty card has.
- I want to get the video camera.
- What about the printer?
I need the video camera
for screen tests.
I'd rather get the healing lamp...
I was kidding!
Hi!
- How are you?
- Fine, and you?
Great.
- Ready?
- Yes, I'll carry your things.
- Look what I brought?
- The telescope.
So we can test it out.
- Pass me your things.
- Careful...
Super careful.
- Go ahead.
- Thanks.
Don't be fooled by its appearance,
it's a real speedster.
All that matters is that we get there.
Voila!
Awesome!
- Spectacular!
- What?
I said what a spectacular landscape.
"Today on Radio Dee Jay"
"we'll talk about love."
"- Enjoy it while you can!"
"- Maybe she's "the one"."
"- Or just a good screw."
"- No complaints either way!"
"Same old pigs."
Ettore!
- Hi.
- How's it going?
- Fine, and you?
- Fine.
- You look great.
- Thanks.
- Where are the others?
- Never mind...
They all bailed out,
it'll just be the two of us.
As we say: quality, not quantity.
Hey.
We met at the party, the cake...
Remember?
Marco is an expert on stars,
he'll explain everything to us.
- Really?
- I'll get my bag.
- Let me give you a hand.
- I'll pitch my tent.
I had a tent like that too
when I was 6,
I pitched it in my backyard.
Listen up, pal...
I've been working on her for 3 months,
I planned for this to be
the finishing stroke.
So do me a favor,
when the time is right...
get lost, understand?
Now start the fire.
Let's see what you can do
with wet wood.
Marco will start the fire.
- What's this?
- Give it back.
"Wonders..."
"Wonders illuminate the sky,
your gaze envelops me
like a silent wave and drowns me."
- Wow, you're some writer!
- Wow, you can read!
A silent wave...
I'll have to remember that, thanks.
Stefania!
I'll give you a silent wave,
you bastard.
Have you seen the rods for my tent?
I checked before I left,
I know I packed them.
You know, I have plenty of room.
True, your tent is spacious.
You and Marco can share it,
I'll use his.
Well...
- I'll go get some wood.
- Good idea.
Go on...
I brought this just for you,
it's a special beer from Germany.
I got some wood and this...
- Dinner.
- Oh my God.
- What did you do?
- Caught it with my bare hands.
Marco, that's horrible.
Poor thing.
Hey, what is that tag on its leg?
Nothing.
The tent!
Let's get water from the lake,
Ettore!
Not that way!
Watch out for the slope!
How gross!
- Are you okay?
- The water's freezing.
I can't see a thing.
Christ...
Well, jump in!
Make yourself useful, hold this.
Don't worry, I'm here.
Grab this rope.
Ettore!
My car died,
let's try to pull her up together.
Damn, it's cold!
Something touched my foot!
- Stefania, where are you?
- Here.
Hang on to me...
Can we pull ourselves up?
If your dumb-ass friend doesn't
mess this up too.
Don't you worry, I'm here for you.
Marco, what happened?
What's wrong?
There you go.
How are you?
Guys, this place is really amazing.
Your ankle's wrapped,
you've got a fire so...
Stefania...
So brave of you to jump in.
When emergencies arise,
I don't think, I take action.
Wonders illuminate the sky,
your gaze envelops me
like a silent wave
and drowns me.
- Nice, who wrote it?
- Me.
- You write poems?
- On occasion.
- I didn't know.
- You don't know a lot about me.
Fuck!
"Radio Dee Jay"
"welcomes all you listeners"
"who are in love,"
"who are walking on clouds,"
"who have hearts in their eyes."
"- Who hear birds chirping."
"- Who see the sun shining."
"- Who have rainbows in sight."
"- And then..."
"A guy shows up and takes her away!"
I don't know how to thank you, really.
Well done.
- You okay?
- Yes.
I know we got off to a bad start,
but I was stressed out.
Stefania is a hard nut to crack.
If things hadn't worked this time,
I would've given up.
Then you showed up and made a mess:
you burnt the tent, killed that bunny,
threw me in the lake...
I never tried to play the hero before,
but she sure fell for it!
- Know what happened in the tent?
- No!
She played hard to get for so long,
but then...
Women are all the same.
You know, love has nothing
to do with sparks,
words, violins, and whatnot...
It's a science.
It's a science with rules.
Each of us has his own rules.
My first rule is to hit on all girls,
eventually one will put out,
it's a statistical fact.
Rule two:
women are like clean underwear.
You should always have an extra pair.
And don't think I'll be
at the mercy of Stefania.
The other day at the club
I met this chick...
She's so hot I call her "Honeybuns"!
Rule three: deny everything.
Even if they catch you, deny it.
Rule four: two cell phones.
One for you, one for them,
or else they drive you crazy.
And you said
he was just a womanizer...
- ...who hits on everyone.
- I was wrong.
Men are strange, you never know
what's in their heads.
My clients' last check-up was today,
I can leave now.
- Hi, Barbara.
- Silvia.
- This is my son.
- Hello.
Plus, after this weekend,
you don't need me anymore.
You've got it under control?
Right?
She's in love.
She doesn't view him as a man,
but as a cyborg
who swims like Tarzan,
writes like Dante,
and heals like Dr. House.
Inflated balloons,
I've seen lots of them burst.
Thanks dad, but it's pointless now.
Who am I kidding...
you, me and especially her.
Enough.
- Don't be so negative.
- One more thing I have to say...
University.
I won't graduate,
I dropped out a few years ago.
I know you had other plans for me,
I'm sorry for disappointing you...
but it wasn't for me.
Go home and don't worry.
Marco...
Teacher, does it hurt?
A bit,
but don't worry,
go play with the others.
- Thanks for coming with me.
- Sure!
You call this coffee?
Throw it away.
Dad!
Hi.
Anna, it's me.
Please cancel all my appointments
for next week,
I have to stay here longer.
Thanks, bye.
Well?
Do we agree?
- Are you serious?
- I'm in.
Dad!
- I thought you left?
- It's best if I stay here.
We need to stick it to this bastard!
Don't go overboard.
No, this time Mary Poppins is right.
No mercy for this guy.
Listen to this.
"Love"
"Isn't always what it seems"
"Be on the lookout"
"Or you might get fooled"
"He's hot, rich, cool"
"But take my advice"
"And open your eyes"
"Don't forget what his name is"
"Ettore, you're so hot"
"Ettore, you're so strong"
A song for you!
"But you're a bastard, Ettore"
"- Ettore, you're so on the ball"
- It's funny!
I think I've seen that guy before...
Yeah, at the loser convention.
Thanks.
My turn.
My first rule:
men like him never say no.
Here, you're at number 3,
he's at the court next to you.
Thanks.
Hi!
- You're really good.
- Thanks.
Can you help me with my serve?
Sure.
- I'm Ettore.
- Mary.
Nice to meet you.
Come on.
- Do you have any tennis experience?
- Zero.
- All right, you hold the ball.
- Okay.
Hold the racket tight,
toss the ball and swing the racket
in an arc-like motion,
while rotating your hips.
- Give it a try.
- Up...
Swing and hit.
See? You're not bad.
It's all in the hips.
Guys, do you think
it already happened?
Now.
- Come here.
- Shut up!
You like it rough...
Let go.
Don't hit me!
And now, my creation steps in.
Killer weed...
Now.
Do it right.
"- Hello?"
- Stefania, it's Marco.
"- Is this a bad time?"
- No, go ahead.
- What's up?
"- I'm waiting for that jerk, Ettore."
"He's over an hour late,"
"I'm not waiting anymore."
Wait, I've got nothing to do...
"I'll come hang out with you,"
"then maybe he'll show up."
Okay, I'm at Caf? Sant'Eustachio,
know it?
Maybe he's tied up and
didn't have time to let you know.
Maybe I'm just paranoid,
he's been busy with tennis practice.
- For Saturday's tournament?
- Yes, it means a lot to him.
- You'd better come.
- Of course.
I'm sure that's why he forgot.
And you thought he was out
looking for another girl...
- He's got the prettiest girl already.
- You're sweet.
You're dressed differently...
What happened
to those funny T-shirts of yours?
I didn't find anything in there,
apart from tons of trophies,
medals, and plaques.
And... this.
Ladies and gentlemen,
straight from his hard disk.
You're a genius.
I know.
You have no idea,
he has a huge collection of women
of all types and ages,
all organized in a file with photos,
info, ratings... it's insane!
Look here.
"Violetta: lover of good food,
Flamenco dancer."
Wow, what a body!
In fact, he gave her an 8.5,
but I'd give her a 9.
And her?
"Salesclerk in a lingerie store."
Lingerie, just like the party.
- He calls this one "Honeybuns".
- That's "Honeybuns"?
- So trashy!
- There's a video of her too!
"Yes, Honeybuns!"
- What is that?
- An armpit.
He is a total maniac!
Shut it off, please.
No, let me see.
- Wonder if he filmed you.
- No, he didn't have time to.
- And here's Stefania...
- No, guys!
- Relax, there's nothing here.
- Yet...
Enough, we have everything we need.
This time we can't fail.
Ettore has no idea
who he is up against.
Let's get started.
Dear Honeybuns...
there's a tennis tournament
at the club this weekend.
Wait, when they read this
they'll call him...
Right.
Unless someone tampered
with his love phone
and forwarded all his calls
to another cell phone...
- That's why I like this Annamaria!
- Mary.
She's bright.
Hi Enrica,
you should come by the tennis club
on Saturday afternoon...
Hey Natalia,
I'm sorry for what I did to you...
Hi Stella, my phone is broken.
I'll make it up to you,
let's meet Saturday at 4:00
at the tennis club.
Court number 4,
Pasquini and Marazza.
Court number 2,
Bernabei and Muffato...
- How are you feeling?
- I'm pumped up!
- Ettore, there you are.
- Hi.
- I've been waiting.
- Really?
I have to go,
my match is starting soon.
But you told me to come here!
I'm glad you apologized
for behaving badly.
- Please...
- Who's that?
Look at his face,
the bastard is losing his cool.
It's time you explained
a few things to me.
- Explain what?
- Hi, Honeybuns.
- Honeybuns?
- Forget honeybuns, this is a jam!
- Who are these girls?
- I have no idea.
I'm glad you contacted me.
You know Ettore too?
This must be a joke.
What the heck is this charade about?
I'm talking to him.
Excuse me.
You're a piece of shit.
I don't even know you.
- Who are you?
- I'll kill you.
What's he doing?
- What did I do?
- What did you do?
- You fucked my girl!
- Ettore, what's going on?
- What are you saying?
- What, don't you remember her?
- No.
- Brunette with a tattoo?
Paolo...
You really don't remember?
I'll refresh your memory,
you shithead!
- Start explaining.
- Hold on, I'll be right back.
- What is going on?
- Just give me a second.
Who are all these girls?
Can I have your attention please.
I'm sure you all find
this situation rather odd,
but...
there comes a time in life
when a man must be straightforward.
I realize I've made many mistakes...
sorry, I'm getting emotional,
and have hurt many of you.
You too, my friend.
- He's talking to you.
- Yes.
I'd like to apologize to you all,
wholeheartedly.
I'm a new man now,
thanks to a special person.
I wanted all the important women
in my life to be here
to say that thanks to her,
I know what love is,
real love.
And as of today,
my heart will only belong to...
Stefania.
- He's one great actor.
- Invincible.
We could use
some of that stuff of yours now.
Sorry, I've got a call.
He did good.
For once he was honest.
What a pity.
Hey, you can't imagine
what just happened.
You'll never believe it,
such a surreal situation.
Know all those chicks
I've been banging recently?
I don't know how
but they all showed up at the club.
Crazy coincidence, total nightmare.
I fed Stefania a load of bullshit,
luckily she believed it,
at least I have one left.
I have a new rule: the bigger the
lie, the more a woman falls for it.
It's a fact.
- What an ass.
- Unbelievable.
Talk to you later.
Stefania!
My grandma...
- Really?
- Now you're through...
What's going on?
"I can't take your call now,"
"leave me a message."
Hey, Stefania.
How are you doing?
"What happened at the club..."
"was horrible."
If you want to talk to someone
about anything,
call me.
I'm here for you.
Bye.
Marco...
your dad's at the buzzer.
Make sure to give us
the table near the window
and put some flowers
on the table, thanks.
- Romantic rendezvous?
- Yes, my wedding anniversary.
- It's important.
- I thought you and women...
- This is my wife.
- So?
So...
My wife is the most important thing
in my life.
- Looking for your son?
- Yes, have you seen him?
This morning, but he left
and I haven't seen him since.
He's a good kid.
By the way, he left this here.
10 RULES
TO MAKE HER FALL IN LOVE
Prehistoric stereo aside,
there are 3 more rules.
Don't mope,
don't write dumb shit on Facebook,
and don't listen to depressing music.
There are millions of girls out there
who'd kill to be with you.
Millions?
Thousands.
"- Hello?"
- Hi, ch?rie. How are you?
"- Fine, and you?"
- Swell.
I have a favor to ask,
I think you can help me.
That's a pepper plant,
that's tomato...
Patrizio, dig deeper.
Okay, good.
- Pass me the water.
- Water? Right away.
Good work, Elena.
- Can I dig too?
- Sure, right near the tomato.
Marco?
This is yours.
Someone had me read this,
since you were too shy.
Now I know who you are.
If I'd looked past your exterior,
you wouldn't have needed that charade.
Maybe things between us
could've gone differently,
but we messed everything up.
I'm going to Paris.
I need some time alone.
Take care.
Teacher,
how far away is Paris?
Wait, Stefania!
Gross!
I should've done this sooner,
is it too late now?
No.
"All is well now."
"I took out a loan"
"and fulfilled my dream"
"of having my own day care."
"It's official,"
"I'll be a great teacher."
"My friends"
"are the same old jerk-offs,"
"truth be told,"
"I'm the one who's changed."
"At the end of this all I realized"
"there's only one rule in love:"
"that no rules exist."
"That's why love"
"always surprises us."
- Hi, it's me.
- Did something happen to Marco?
No, why would something
have happened?
We never talk, so I got worried.
It's a pity,
we should talk more often.
Are you nuts?
We've been separated for 7 years.
I'm slow.
"It's important to have the guts"
"to be yourself,"
"because we all, trust me,"
"will find our soul mate."
"It's the law of nature:"
"the male always finds his female."
"Even if this isn't always"
"a good thing..."
How did the male get here?
He pollinated them all!
Now what'll I smoke?
Radio Dee Jay,
how shall we wrap up
this session on love?
- Love... is great!
- Bravo!
Love is great like the sun,
like the sea, like the sky...
We get the point.
Love is also
arguing about a sock left on the bed.
Is it yours? Why!
My girl wears terry cloth socks.
Plus you have a person
who squeezes your blackheads.
That image just convinced
all of our listeners to fall in love.
Love is fighting over
the remote control.
You want to watch the game,
she wants her soap operas.
Your lives are
devastated by your relationships.
But we're trying to convince you
that having the right partner in life
is the greatest thing.
There's only one rule I know.
What?
Credit card,
that way you pick, you do it...
Careful, never pay more
than 1,000 euro in cash...
...or you'll need an invoice.
A no-limit credit card.
Jokes aside,
we hope you found the right person,
who's sitting next to you,
someone you just found on the highway.
Friends,
that's all for now. Thanks from...
- Giorgio.
- Gabriele.
And Furio...
and remember,
love one another, love one another.
Them, not us!
w w w . p r i j e v o d i - o n l i n e . o r g
10 RULES
TO MAKE HER FALL IN LOVE
"The universe"
"has fascinated me since I was a kid."
"So immense and mysterious..."
"so many destinies,"
"yet amidst billions of stars,"
"each of us has his own place."
"Mine is here."
This is the sun
and this is the Earth.
The earth revolves around the sun
while the Moon
revolves around the Earth.
- Teacher...
- Yes?
I pooped.
That's all right, sweetie,
we'll go get changed now.
I'll handle it.
As I was saying, the Sun,
played by Mr. Orange here...
"Working at this day care"
"is what makes me happiest."
"I realized astrophysics"
"was just a passion,"
"so I dropped out of university"
"and devoted my time to what I love,"
"as we all should do."
"Everything was going fine,"
"until something happened."
Teacher!
Do thunderbolts come from the Sun?
Come with me.
Hello, I'm looking for this place,
it's a deconsecrated church.
Keep walking up the street,
I think that's where it is.
I'll do that, thanks.
- How sweet... Bye.
- Bye.
Teacher,
where do thunderbolts come from?
"Yeah, until that day I had no idea"
"how it feels to be spellbound"
"by a gaze, a smile..."
"How do you explain something"
"that is totally non-rational?"
Guys, the power went out.
Can someone turn it on again?
I'll do it.
Hurry!
I can't read.
The building still has light,
did they cut off our power?
No!
No!
My weed!
My plants require tons of light,
understand?
Killer!
- Now what'll I smoke?
- Chill out.
Marco, he's right,
we even got a cut-off notice.
It was your turn to pay.
- Pretty Woman's right.
- Pretty Woman?
- Put on some clothes.
- Why, you don't like what you see?
Well...
If you want to live with roommates,
you need to cooperate.
Lately you haven't been helping
or cleaning the house...
- Change your attitude or else...
- Or else what?
Do you want me to leave?
- Then just say so.
- Wait, Marco!
- He said it.
- Knock it off...
- I know what the problem is.
- What?
- It has to do with love.
- Oh God...
We're screwed.
Seems like someone upset you tonight.
Forget about women...
Trust me, even if this relationship
ends before it starts,
guess who wins?
You win!
Don't be fooled
when they look at you
with those big eyes.
Introduce him to one of your friends.
Fat chance,
all of her friends are male!
It's useless,
he's already head over heels.
If this chick is really that hot,
he has no chance.
The door...
- Dressed like that?
- So?
The doorbell didn't ring,
is your power out?
- And you are?
- Mary.
- Renato, nice to meet you.
- We don't want a vacuum cleaner.
The Jehovah's Witnesses
already came by,
we don't read or listen to music,
we don't use cell phones
because they emit radiation, thanks.
Hold on,
you forgot about encyclopedias.
Kidding,
I don't want anything from you.
But if you offer me something,
I wouldn't dare say no.
Is Marco here?
This morning
some girl opened her car door
without looking
and left a scratch this big
on my new car.
3,500 euros in damage.
She cried, begged me
to be gentlemanly about it.
Me?
You should've played along,
she would've given you her number.
Oh God!
"This is my father,"
"the sought-after Dr. Sannino,"
"luminary of plastic surgery."
"He hoped for a super son."
"He made me study Chinese"
"at age 5,"
"he hoped I'd be Einstein at 10"
"and win the Davis Cup at 14."
"Yes, tennis, his greatest passion."
"He always gave me"
"performance anxiety, and still does."
"He doesn't understand"
"I'll never be like him."
"A winner, yes..."
"but also a shameless traitor."
"A schemer."
Relax, we'll get rid of all this.
But what about your breasts?
- What about them?
- You're a D-cup!
"A heartless egoist."
- You said you loved me.
- I do, but act like an adult.
"In short,"
"he's chronically immature."
Did you see a ghost?
Aren't you happy I came to visit?
- Why are you here?
- Excuse us.
You know how daddy has golden hands?
There are a few ladies
going through a midlife crisis.
One wanted her rack inflated,
the other wanted smaller buns.
- Oh please!
- The wonders of science...
And you? How's the thesis?
- Thesis?
- Did you finish?
- Haven't you spoken to mom?
- Not in a while.
By the way, I've heard some rumors...
Do you know anything?
- No, don't involve me.
- No, of course not.
- I'm hungry, and you?
- No.
- Have some more, kids.
- Wow, this is delicious.
How'd you do it?
Our fridge was empty.
You need to be creative
and improvise in the kitchen.
Though you should buy
some groceries now and again...
Marco, tell them
who cooked at home: me!
His mom can't even make
a hard-boiled egg.
Her and that asshole must be starving.
- Dad, don't start.
- I was just saying...
- Marina?
- Mary.
- What do you do for work?
- Stuff like this...
And this.
We're kind of
in the same line of work.
And you?
Busy eating...
- You?
- Paolo.
He's an actor.
- Really? Cinema, theater?
- I get by.
- Unemployed!
- Look.
"Stolen Hearts", "Innocent Kisses"...
Paolo is the star of photonovels
for teenage girls.
- Photonovels still exist?
- All great actors started with them.
Look at this.
- A huge success.
- Love letters?
Women?
Definitely women...
A fan who wanted to share
something intimate of hers.
You should see
the guys she brings home!
Add them all up
and you get one brain cell.
Sounds familiar.
What can she possibly see
in that doofus?
She even wants to marry him!
- My mother's boyfriend.
- That handsome man who came here?
- He came here?
- Yes, to meet me.
Handsome...
- Know what he does? Curling!
- What?
Curling!
That so-called sport
where a guy tosses a rock
and the other sweeps the ice
so it slides, some sport!
It's an Olympic sport,
plus he makes mom happy.
Unlike you who always cheated on her,
even with grandma's caretaker.
That was a lifetime ago!
I did it so that the girl
would take better care of grandma.
Tell your mother
she can't marry him, he's 15 years
younger, it's not natural.
That's why you're here,
you've suddenly become jealous.
Jealous?
I don't know what jealousy is.
It bugs me
that an idiot is in my house,
because it's my house, I bought it
with my money, while he's... curling!
You know what?
He's much better than you are.
Don't mind him,
he's going through a hard time.
Hard time?
Why? What's wrong?
Here you are.
So, what about this girl?
Your friends told me everything.
Great.
Is she pretty?
- Yes.
- You're not ugly.
You're nice, smart, you've got it all.
What's the problem?
Don't worry, do what you came
to Rome to do, I'll be fine.
Good night.
- Curling...
"- Who is it at this hour?"
Sorry, I accidentally
leaned on the buzzer...
"- You're Neapolitan?"
- You can tell by my accent.
"- You came here to steal!"
- Don't be silly!
- Where are you from?
"- Caserta."
- Well then?
"- Well then what?"
- Good night.
"- Trying to dupe me!"
Pick me up,
but don't be late as always.
Fine.
I really enjoyed
that Louis De Ricard reference.
- Can we discuss it more next week?
- Gladly.
- I can help you out.
- Okay.
Hi.
Hi.
De Ricard is a bold choice.
He's underrated,
that's why we should discuss him.
- Let's do it tomorrow.
- Sure.
You need to go to the library first.
- Shall we go, ladies?
- Yes, it's late.
Bye.
Bye.
"I'm such a jackass!"
"Why didn't I introduce myself?"
"Why couldn't I think"
"of anything to say?"
"A sophisticated quote,"
"an intelligent comment..."
"And who the hell"
"is Louis De Ricard?"
It's about time!
Folks, here is our ladies' man.
- Why are you here?
- He's been here for an hour.
- He brought muffins, juice, milk...
- They made me a great coffee.
- Maril?...
- Mary.
Make him some coffee, he needs it.
Dig in, kids.
No fighting, this isn't a playground.
We've noticed
you've been a bit stressed out lately,
and we're going to fix that.
- What are you talking about?
- The girl!
I know you don't trust me,
but when it comes to ladies,
you know I have experience.
- Your dad has a theory.
A certainty,
Euclidean geometry.
Folks...
10 rules to make her fall in love.
Rules that many of us use
without even realizing it.
God no!
You're a bright kid, but you have
little experience with love.
- Little?
- None.
Love is not dictated by fate
as they've led us to believe.
Love at first sight,
sparks, violins...
No, my friends,
seduction is an exact science,
with precise rules to respect.
Your dad is here to teach you them.
- You must be kidding!
- Maybe he can help you out.
You've got nothing to lose.
But let's get one thing straight:
no talking about mom.
Rule number one:
A hunter must know his prey.
- Your dad is right.
- It's the same with acting.
You must know your character:
his past, his inner workings...
Hush up, De Niro!
- I'm being serious here.
- Please, let's not shilly-shally.
How old is she?
I don't know... maybe 25.
- What does she do?
- What does she like?
- Who is she?
- What size?
- I don't know!
- Don't get worked up.
Apply yourself
instead of just complaining.
- Tell me what to do.
- Good.
Hot damn, you picked a good one!
If all women looked like her,
I'd be out of a job!
- Her friend's not bad either.
- Dad, stop!
Stay focused
or precious info will slip by.
She's getting a PhD
in French literature.
Her dad's a big Parisian entrepreneur.
She's filthy rich.
- Passions? Interests?
- This is going to be fun.
Gardening.
Art.
Dancing.
She's also involved in social work.
Cooking.
Kite surfing.
But above all... tennis!
No, the sport I hate most.
TRULY TRAGIC
She takes good care of herself,
only the best day spas...
organic and natural everything.
Marco, you shave once a week!
- Let's summarize: height?
- 1.70 meters.
- Body?
- Hot.
- Style?
- Hot.
She's hot, what can I say?
Let's say sophisticated,
alternative, unattainable.
- Excellent analysis.
- Pick a girl within your reach.
No, he's ambitious
like his dad, he aims high.
I have no hope, she's Wonder Woman.
- Nonsense, conquest is a science.
- More like science fiction.
Most women have
Florence Nightingale tendencies.
- Marianna made a good point.
- Mary.
The plan is as follows.
We know she doesn't drive to school,
she takes the bus
since she's an environmentalist.
You'll be standing there.
- What's wrong with my leg?
- You hurt it.
Since she's charitable,
she'll help you board the bus.
- Taking this bus?
- Yes.
- Need help?
- Thanks.
Lean on me.
- Sorry for the trouble.
- No problem.
Once on board, you'll tell her
you hurt yourself playing...
Tennis, your greatest passion.
And she'll say...
Really? I play tennis too!
No way! Then I must know you...
Where have I seen you,
at the university?
- Maybe, do you study literature?
- No, astrophysics.
But I adore literature,
especially French poetry.
Once she takes the bait,
you're free to talk about anything:
from stars to tennis.
- That's some plan!
- There's one small hitch.
Just one?
Didn't I tell you learning to play
tennis was important in life?
Go on, you're exempt
from dish duty tonight.
Tennis is such a drag.
I was in this squat,
the floor is covered
with sleeping bags
with one person, with a couple,
it was the age of free love.
Guess who was standing
in a bathtub full of water
in his underwear
holding an electric guitar?
Who?
Frank Zappa! I swear!
I didn't recognize him so I said:
"You'll get electrocuted, you fool!"
And he strummed...
He played like a crazy man!
I didn't understand a word.
Luckily, it ended well.
- It's late, I'd better go.
- Good night.
Good night.
These toys are so cute.
Who made them, kids?
They're my cousin's,
she works with kids.
They're nice, how sweet.
Thanks for the visit and the dinner,
the sushi was great.
But next time
we'll go to a serious sushi place,
I don't trust take-out sushi,
they use catfish.
- Take care...
- Mary.
I know your name, Mary.
Good night.
- And no more grappa, got it?
- What grappa?
Hey?
How's it going?
I was wondering,
where are your course books?
Never mind, it's late.
You know...
mom sure was beautiful.
She was about your age
in this picture.
When I met her for the first time...
Oh my goodness.
I fell hard for her,
I couldn't eat or sleep...
What did I say?
Marco, in the past few years...
we haven't been in touch much,
but...
I...
You?
You need to study,
tomorrow's your big day.
Good night.
You have a nice room.
You should leave these
at the day care.
Why haven't you told him yet?
You saw what he's like,
he'd never understand.
Can I say something?
He's a good guy
and it's obvious he loves you.
Sir?
Excuse me...
- Can we help you?
- No, thanks.
We're Boy Scouts,
it's our duty, come on.
Let go!
Excuse me.
It's better not to drive a car...
- Sorry!
- Be careful!
- I'm really sorry.
- Are you hurt, ma'am?
Good grief!
Good morning, tickets please.
Thanks.
Unbelievable, you stole my wallet!
- You've been following me for days.
- Me? No!
- Are you some nutcase?
- I saw it.
He bumped into the lady
and slipped his hand into her purse.
- What?
- That's what I saw
Give her wallet back.
You'd better give her wallet back!
Scum!
Check me, I didn't take it.
At least she noticed me.
Stop him, he's a thief!
A fake cripple, if I catch you
I'll really break your leg!
Grab him!
Problem is now she thinks
I'm either a thief or a dumb-ass.
Not a thief...
Why did you run away?
I panicked, sir.
You got lucky
because we caught the real thief.
She's known as "The Granny".
She had 10 wallets on her,
including that girl's.
- Imagine that!
- Listen, next time...
use your head.
- Can I ask a favor?
- Another?
When is the girl
coming to pick up her wallet?
Your mattress is so good!
- I'll get dressed and leave.
- Okay, bye.
- Should I get it?
- Go ahead.
Make yourself at home.
Good or bad, you interacted with her.
Was that Tarzan who let me in?
- Ask her.
- He's a friend.
Did you meet him in a tree?
Why are we here?
It's a surprise, your father
is a very resourceful man.
There's someone important here,
a physics professor.
He's a good friend,
so when you graduate...
- No, please.
- Renato!
Professor Michelini, my friend!
Don't make me look bad.
- Professor Michelini, how are you?
- Fine.
- You're looking fit.
- Fit as a fiddle.
- This is my son Marco.
- Right, the family genius.
Glad you didn't decide
to be a butcher like your dad.
That's not what you said
when I carved up your wife.
My wife...
Looking lovelier than ever.
- Thanks, Renato.
- Don't mind him, he's an adulator.
- You're jealous.
- A tad, I must admit.
Well, Marco...
Your dad tells me
you're working on your thesis.
Yes,
but I still have a lot of work to do.
What's the subject matter?
It's rather complicated.
- Rather complicated...
- Complicated?
- Excuse me.
- Marco?
See?
He's incredibly sensitive,
almost delicate.
Even as a child...
as he was about to score a goal,
he'd stop and leave.
What am I going to do?
Excuse me!
Is there a computer I can use?
"Dark matter...
The invisible trace
of the birth of the universe..."
- What are you doing?
- Nothing.
- Checking my e-mail.
- Right now?
- With the professor waiting?
- Yes.
Come on.
Here's our Marco!
- Great.
- We thought you ran away.
So tell me,
how did your passion for science
come about?
My passion?
In fact, my passion...
One day I asked myself:
"Who are we?
Who am I?"
A speck of dust on a small world
lost in a universe
full of mysteries like... dark matter,
the invisible trace
of the birth of the universe.
We should never
cease to be amazed by this,
because the ability
to develop a passion,
like we do as children
but then let it fade away,
that's the passion
that keeps us human,
that keeps us alive.
What lovely words.
Dark matter is of topical interest.
Impressive.
Great.
Hi!
What are you doing here?
I had to sort out some paperwork,
the police report...
I'm sorry, I feel like a jerk
for causing this mess.
No, you didn't know,
I could've been a nutcase,
but I'm not,
and I wasn't even stalking you.
Of course, sorry.
Your leg is doing better.
- What leg?
- The injured one.
Right, my leg! It's much better.
Good, I felt bad because
you had to run with a hurt leg!
- What was wrong with it?
- Wrong?
Tennis! Years of playing
take their course.
- Really? I play tennis too!
- No way, what a coincidence.
What club do you play at?
I play here, there, all around.
Let me make it up to you
by inviting you to my club.
I'll buy you a drink,
we'll play a match...
Yes.
Sure, it depends on how you play...
Ready to be humiliated?
Let me score one point at least
or I'll be sad.
- Let's warm up first.
- Okay.
What's wrong?
- My ankle, again!
- Lean on me.
- Maybe it's too soon to play.
- No more tennis for me.
- Don't say that!
- What'll I do? I love this sport.
I wanted to invite you
to next month's tournament.
Astrophysics? Wow!
Yes, it's complicated
but it's fascinating
and so satisfying.
I read about the Gran Sasso lab,
can you explain it better to me?
Hold on a second.
- Are you kidding?
- No, just help me out.
There's a girl I like...
pretend to give me your number.
Thanks!
You never change!
What a lunatic!
How wild, we were classmates,
I haven't seen him in ages.
He hasn't changed at all,
still the same grump...
- We were saying?
- The..
- What do you do?
- Me?
I just got my degree in literature
and now I'm holding a seminar
on French poetry.
"Nature is more docile
to our most lofty desires."
"And only we know
our heart's secrets."
- Louis Xavier De Ricard.
- I can't believe you know him.
I discovered him a year ago
and immediately fell in love.
I can't go to sleep
without reading a few of his pages.
You know, these writers
are profoundly sensitive,
they have an immense ability...
Oh God, Marco!
- Sorry, me tripped. You hurted?
- Yes, I hurted.
After two days here
you've caused nothing but trouble.
I'm so sorry about this.
No, it wasn't her fault,
it was mine.
How much do I owe you for the cups?
That won't be necessary.
Let's go.
- You speak Chinese?
- Yes, I studied it when I was a kid.
That was sweet of you to help her.
Poor thing, she would've been fired
after just starting.
Hi.
- Hi, Lucia.
- You didn't come on Monday.
No...
I didn't come see you.
Who's she? Your girlfriend?
No, of course not!
You know you're my girlfriend.
Lucia, leave him in peace, say bye.
Bye.
She's so cute.
Yes, she's a little girl...
who lives in a foster home,
I volunteer there once a week.
What a wonderful thing.
As you heard, I'm spoken for,
so don't hit on me!
Sorry.
Hello?
I totally forgot.
Be right there, bye.
I lost track of time.
I have to go now, sorry.
I enjoyed chatting with you,
hope to do it again soon.
Yes, I...
My birthday is Saturday,
you should come to my party.
Okay.
Give me your number,
I'll text you the address.
Marco...
- Is it clear?
- Yes.
Here.
Bring whoever you want.
See you Saturday, bye.
You were very kind, please eat now.
- Thanks.
- Thank you.
Please eat, don't be shy.
Want some more?
- No, I still have more rice...
- Thanks.
- Can I have more rice?
- Enough, they're not charging us.
Make that two dishes!
It's proper compensation,
you almost got third-degree burns!
Can I have another dish of rice too?
- Right away.
- Enough...
A birthday party, huh? Cool.
At this point,
rule 5 comes into play:
That first date must be
absolutely unforgettable,
that's when a woman decides
if a man is right for her.
True!
That first night, the wall that divides
two people must fall,
that magical energy called "intimacy"
must blossom.
- So what do I do?
- First of all, listen to her.
Anything she says to you,
consider it important.
Talk to her
as if you've known her for years,
as if only she understands you,
but above all,
find any way you can to touch her.
For example:
can you pass me those dumplings?
You brushed against her arm.
"There's a mosquito on your face"
you caressed her face.
Look straight into her eyes,
but don't overdo it.
Throw the rock and hide the hand,
let her feel uncertain.
The door in the john was stuck,
I couldn't get out.
- Did you have to bring him?
- It seemed rude not to.
- Bon app?tit.
- Bon app?tit.
- So, do you like it?
- It's tasty.
- Who opened the bathroom door?
- The Chinese lady.
Dunno, it all seems so fake.
Not fake, well-studied.
Plus, what did we say?
What do you know about?
All women, when they hear
talk about stars, turn to mush.
- In what century?
- Show her Orion!
Goal!
This is the second time you cheated.
- These screens are sweet.
- Like them?
My mechanic installed them.
People used to call him Dumbo
but I redid his ears,
now they're more perfect than Ken's.
Thanks.
Hey, make sure she sees stars!
Hi.
Oh right, sorry!
I forgot to update you,
it turned into a lingerie party.
No worries, come in.
- Hi, I'm Stefania.
- Paolo.
Ivan.
- Be right there.
- This is for you.
Thanks, how nice.
Put it over there
with the other gifts.
Eat, drink, and have fun.
See you later.
Coming.
- What are you doing?
- Blending in.
Take off your pants!
Hello!
Let's go in.
Where's the bathroom?
- Marco...
- Sorry for interrupting.
No, nonsense. This is Ettore,
a friend from the club.
This is Marco.
Nice to meet you.
- I was looking for the bathroom.
- It's over there.
Go that way.
Why not just give me a kiss?
Like I said before,
it's not going to happen.
- Why not?
- Just because, enough.
Cake! Cake! Cake!
No, not a marijuana cake.
Someone might react badly.
My grandma ate one once,
she had a blast!
- I confirm that.
- Just put the cake away.
- It's a cake...
- Hey!
- She said no!
- Who asked for your input?
- Let go.
- You let go.
Let go!
Call the station.
- Guys!
- Where've you been?
It was a sticky situation,
I have a reputation to uphold.
- Renato!
- "Ch?rie! Au revoir!"
- Call me, okay?
- For sure.
Yeah, right!
You know what?
Fuck you, Orion, and your damn rules!
Marco, watch your mouth in public!
Come on, it was a fun night.
Mary will crack up
when she hears about tonight.
That girl was glued to my side,
she's crazy about me.
Did you come to help me
or to hit on girls?
Marco, next time
don't wear those underwear...
And the cake...
You should've let us have a slice.
- Now that other guy's in my way.
- What, who?
- Marco caught her with a guy.
- Maybe he's just a friend.
You didn't see him:
he's the perfect mix between
Brad Pitt, Nadal,
and some kind of prince.
- Really?
- Want to kill a few aliens to vent?
- It was a real pleasure.
- Bye, Ivan.
- See you next time.
- Bye, Paolo.
Hold on, Marco.
Now what, dad?
Is there another rule
to make me look even more pathetic?
Marco, women have a sixth sense,
like animals.
They can sense fear,
you're lacking self-confidence.
Dad, you came here
to teach me the rules of love
but things between you and mom
didn't exactly work out.
I'm talking about rules
to make a woman fall in love,
not rules to make a relationship work,
that's more difficult.
Why did you give up with mom?
You fell out of love with her?
Want to know the truth?
I never stopped loving her.
Did you ever tell her that?
After all I put her through,
she wouldn't hear a thing.
Now she's even marrying that doofus...
- Why not talk to her for me...
- I don't want to get involved.
Fine.
Why not be sincere
for once in your life,
tell her what you feel,
without bullshitting?
You know...
You've had hundreds
of women in your life,
you've kicked up your heels,
but you lost mom.
You can have a thousand women,
but if you lose that important one,
the one who makes you happy,
it's as if you're alone.
Go to sleep.
You'll see,
Stefania will eventually realize...
that she's missing out on a great guy.
Good night.
Thanks, dad.
What are you doing up?
How was your night?
Fine.
But I didn't know
it was a lingerie party,
my dad picked up a girl,
I found my girl with another guy,
then the police showed up
and cited us all for drug trafficking.
- Any other questions?
- Oh, love...
it lifts us up
then drops us into the pit.
What do you know about the pit?
Think you're the only one
who knows about ill-fated love?
No! Mary's in love?
With whom?
Tarzan?
The Chippendale dancer?
Not the hairy, fat one, please!
Paolo?
- I know, it's crazy.
- So what's the problem?
- I don't want to be turned down.
- No way, he's crazy about you.
- He hooks up right and left.
- So do you.
- But I do it to get back at him.
- Sure, right.
I know how things would end up...
I'd be heartbroken.
Why are we all so complicated?
Want some hot chocolate?
Hot chocolate!
Am I at the wrong door?
Are the kids in?
Do you speak Italian?
Do you speak?
- What is that, marijuana?
- No!
Marijuana, no way!
Yes,
just a few plants for personal use.
A few plants? That's a field!
It's mixed with my grandma's
hot pepper plants.
Your grandma...
He studies botany, he was showing us
how to kill the male plants.
It's no joke,
a male plant would pollinate
all the females
and I'd have no weed to smoke.
- I'm calling her.
- No!
- We've been stopping him all day.
- You can't call her.
Rule 6: never be the first to call
the day after.
After last night's fiasco
she'll never call me.
Don't do it, trust me.
I have some good news for you.
My professor friend
was very impressed with you,
he wants to help you out,
but you have to finish your thesis.
- It's her.
- Put her on speakerphone.
- Hello?
"- Hey, how are you?"
- Hi.
- Are you busy studying?
No, I'm with some colleagues.
- Got a euro for a bus ticket?
- On my dresser.
You're paying him?
"- Are you sure you're not busy?"
- No... yes!
"We're on break."
Stefania, sorry about last night.
No worries, it was sweet of you
to stand up for me.
It wasn't your fault...
What are you doing
for the meteorite shower?
- The meteorite shower?
- Yes, this weekend.
Oh, right...
Remember Ettore,
the guy from the party?
He got hit by a meteorite!
How could I forget...
He wanted to go to the countryside
with friends to see it better.
"- Want to come with me?"
- Why not?
Great. Be warned,
it's a no-frills outing, just tents...
Are you okay with savage outings?
Am I okay with savage outings?
I am a savage!
In fact, I...
- My dad called me Tarzan...
- I did survival training!
We couldn't eat, drink, or sleep...
"One guy fainted,"
"but I saved him."
- Then you'll keep me safe.
- You can count on me.
- Pick me up on Saturday at 11:00.
- Saturday it is.
"- Okay, bye."
- Bye.
- Bravo!
- Well done.
You're emptying out the store.
Enough, it's just a two-day trip.
You can never have
too many fire starters,
I'll look like an ass
if I can't start a fire.
- A tent?
- Mary lent me hers.
It's not exactly high-tech,
it's vintage, I'd say.
Speaking of Mary,
have you noticed she's a bit down?
Naturally, she's sleeping
with Marilyn Manson...
- That's mean.
- She is a bit of a slut.
Maybe she's searching
for the right man.
She sure is searching, a lot!
Know what this is? Jealousy!
Hey Freud, move it,
let's go to the butcher's counter.
I think we're overdoing it
with the butcher stunt...
When you're playing a character
you need to do it fully.
Let's go.
When we get home let's check
how many points our loyalty card has.
- I want to get the video camera.
- What about the printer?
I need the video camera
for screen tests.
I'd rather get the healing lamp...
I was kidding!
Hi!
- How are you?
- Fine, and you?
Great.
- Ready?
- Yes, I'll carry your things.
- Look what I brought?
- The telescope.
So we can test it out.
- Pass me your things.
- Careful...
Super careful.
- Go ahead.
- Thanks.
Don't be fooled by its appearance,
it's a real speedster.
All that matters is that we get there.
Voila!
Awesome!
- Spectacular!
- What?
I said what a spectacular landscape.
"Today on Radio Dee Jay"
"we'll talk about love."
"- Enjoy it while you can!"
"- Maybe she's "the one"."
"- Or just a good screw."
"- No complaints either way!"
"Same old pigs."
Ettore!
- Hi.
- How's it going?
- Fine, and you?
- Fine.
- You look great.
- Thanks.
- Where are the others?
- Never mind...
They all bailed out,
it'll just be the two of us.
As we say: quality, not quantity.
Hey.
We met at the party, the cake...
Remember?
Marco is an expert on stars,
he'll explain everything to us.
- Really?
- I'll get my bag.
- Let me give you a hand.
- I'll pitch my tent.
I had a tent like that too
when I was 6,
I pitched it in my backyard.
Listen up, pal...
I've been working on her for 3 months,
I planned for this to be
the finishing stroke.
So do me a favor,
when the time is right...
get lost, understand?
Now start the fire.
Let's see what you can do
with wet wood.
Marco will start the fire.
- What's this?
- Give it back.
"Wonders..."
"Wonders illuminate the sky,
your gaze envelops me
like a silent wave and drowns me."
- Wow, you're some writer!
- Wow, you can read!
A silent wave...
I'll have to remember that, thanks.
Stefania!
I'll give you a silent wave,
you bastard.
Have you seen the rods for my tent?
I checked before I left,
I know I packed them.
You know, I have plenty of room.
True, your tent is spacious.
You and Marco can share it,
I'll use his.
Well...
- I'll go get some wood.
- Good idea.
Go on...
I brought this just for you,
it's a special beer from Germany.
I got some wood and this...
- Dinner.
- Oh my God.
- What did you do?
- Caught it with my bare hands.
Marco, that's horrible.
Poor thing.
Hey, what is that tag on its leg?
Nothing.
The tent!
Let's get water from the lake,
Ettore!
Not that way!
Watch out for the slope!
How gross!
- Are you okay?
- The water's freezing.
I can't see a thing.
Christ...
Well, jump in!
Make yourself useful, hold this.
Don't worry, I'm here.
Grab this rope.
Ettore!
My car died,
let's try to pull her up together.
Damn, it's cold!
Something touched my foot!
- Stefania, where are you?
- Here.
Hang on to me...
Can we pull ourselves up?
If your dumb-ass friend doesn't
mess this up too.
Don't you worry, I'm here for you.
Marco, what happened?
What's wrong?
There you go.
How are you?
Guys, this place is really amazing.
Your ankle's wrapped,
you've got a fire so...
Stefania...
So brave of you to jump in.
When emergencies arise,
I don't think, I take action.
Wonders illuminate the sky,
your gaze envelops me
like a silent wave
and drowns me.
- Nice, who wrote it?
- Me.
- You write poems?
- On occasion.
- I didn't know.
- You don't know a lot about me.
Fuck!
"Radio Dee Jay"
"welcomes all you listeners"
"who are in love,"
"who are walking on clouds,"
"who have hearts in their eyes."
"- Who hear birds chirping."
"- Who see the sun shining."
"- Who have rainbows in sight."
"- And then..."
"A guy shows up and takes her away!"
I don't know how to thank you, really.
Well done.
- You okay?
- Yes.
I know we got off to a bad start,
but I was stressed out.
Stefania is a hard nut to crack.
If things hadn't worked this time,
I would've given up.
Then you showed up and made a mess:
you burnt the tent, killed that bunny,
threw me in the lake...
I never tried to play the hero before,
but she sure fell for it!
- Know what happened in the tent?
- No!
She played hard to get for so long,
but then...
Women are all the same.
You know, love has nothing
to do with sparks,
words, violins, and whatnot...
It's a science.
It's a science with rules.
Each of us has his own rules.
My first rule is to hit on all girls,
eventually one will put out,
it's a statistical fact.
Rule two:
women are like clean underwear.
You should always have an extra pair.
And don't think I'll be
at the mercy of Stefania.
The other day at the club
I met this chick...
She's so hot I call her "Honeybuns"!
Rule three: deny everything.
Even if they catch you, deny it.
Rule four: two cell phones.
One for you, one for them,
or else they drive you crazy.
And you said
he was just a womanizer...
- ...who hits on everyone.
- I was wrong.
Men are strange, you never know
what's in their heads.
My clients' last check-up was today,
I can leave now.
- Hi, Barbara.
- Silvia.
- This is my son.
- Hello.
Plus, after this weekend,
you don't need me anymore.
You've got it under control?
Right?
She's in love.
She doesn't view him as a man,
but as a cyborg
who swims like Tarzan,
writes like Dante,
and heals like Dr. House.
Inflated balloons,
I've seen lots of them burst.
Thanks dad, but it's pointless now.
Who am I kidding...
you, me and especially her.
Enough.
- Don't be so negative.
- One more thing I have to say...
University.
I won't graduate,
I dropped out a few years ago.
I know you had other plans for me,
I'm sorry for disappointing you...
but it wasn't for me.
Go home and don't worry.
Marco...
Teacher, does it hurt?
A bit,
but don't worry,
go play with the others.
- Thanks for coming with me.
- Sure!
You call this coffee?
Throw it away.
Dad!
Hi.
Anna, it's me.
Please cancel all my appointments
for next week,
I have to stay here longer.
Thanks, bye.
Well?
Do we agree?
- Are you serious?
- I'm in.
Dad!
- I thought you left?
- It's best if I stay here.
We need to stick it to this bastard!
Don't go overboard.
No, this time Mary Poppins is right.
No mercy for this guy.
Listen to this.
"Love"
"Isn't always what it seems"
"Be on the lookout"
"Or you might get fooled"
"He's hot, rich, cool"
"But take my advice"
"And open your eyes"
"Don't forget what his name is"
"Ettore, you're so hot"
"Ettore, you're so strong"
A song for you!
"But you're a bastard, Ettore"
"- Ettore, you're so on the ball"
- It's funny!
I think I've seen that guy before...
Yeah, at the loser convention.
Thanks.
My turn.
My first rule:
men like him never say no.
Here, you're at number 3,
he's at the court next to you.
Thanks.
Hi!
- You're really good.
- Thanks.
Can you help me with my serve?
Sure.
- I'm Ettore.
- Mary.
Nice to meet you.
Come on.
- Do you have any tennis experience?
- Zero.
- All right, you hold the ball.
- Okay.
Hold the racket tight,
toss the ball and swing the racket
in an arc-like motion,
while rotating your hips.
- Give it a try.
- Up...
Swing and hit.
See? You're not bad.
It's all in the hips.
Guys, do you think
it already happened?
Now.
- Come here.
- Shut up!
You like it rough...
Let go.
Don't hit me!
And now, my creation steps in.
Killer weed...
Now.
Do it right.
"- Hello?"
- Stefania, it's Marco.
"- Is this a bad time?"
- No, go ahead.
- What's up?
"- I'm waiting for that jerk, Ettore."
"He's over an hour late,"
"I'm not waiting anymore."
Wait, I've got nothing to do...
"I'll come hang out with you,"
"then maybe he'll show up."
Okay, I'm at Caf? Sant'Eustachio,
know it?
Maybe he's tied up and
didn't have time to let you know.
Maybe I'm just paranoid,
he's been busy with tennis practice.
- For Saturday's tournament?
- Yes, it means a lot to him.
- You'd better come.
- Of course.
I'm sure that's why he forgot.
And you thought he was out
looking for another girl...
- He's got the prettiest girl already.
- You're sweet.
You're dressed differently...
What happened
to those funny T-shirts of yours?
I didn't find anything in there,
apart from tons of trophies,
medals, and plaques.
And... this.
Ladies and gentlemen,
straight from his hard disk.
You're a genius.
I know.
You have no idea,
he has a huge collection of women
of all types and ages,
all organized in a file with photos,
info, ratings... it's insane!
Look here.
"Violetta: lover of good food,
Flamenco dancer."
Wow, what a body!
In fact, he gave her an 8.5,
but I'd give her a 9.
And her?
"Salesclerk in a lingerie store."
Lingerie, just like the party.
- He calls this one "Honeybuns".
- That's "Honeybuns"?
- So trashy!
- There's a video of her too!
"Yes, Honeybuns!"
- What is that?
- An armpit.
He is a total maniac!
Shut it off, please.
No, let me see.
- Wonder if he filmed you.
- No, he didn't have time to.
- And here's Stefania...
- No, guys!
- Relax, there's nothing here.
- Yet...
Enough, we have everything we need.
This time we can't fail.
Ettore has no idea
who he is up against.
Let's get started.
Dear Honeybuns...
there's a tennis tournament
at the club this weekend.
Wait, when they read this
they'll call him...
Right.
Unless someone tampered
with his love phone
and forwarded all his calls
to another cell phone...
- That's why I like this Annamaria!
- Mary.
She's bright.
Hi Enrica,
you should come by the tennis club
on Saturday afternoon...
Hey Natalia,
I'm sorry for what I did to you...
Hi Stella, my phone is broken.
I'll make it up to you,
let's meet Saturday at 4:00
at the tennis club.
Court number 4,
Pasquini and Marazza.
Court number 2,
Bernabei and Muffato...
- How are you feeling?
- I'm pumped up!
- Ettore, there you are.
- Hi.
- I've been waiting.
- Really?
I have to go,
my match is starting soon.
But you told me to come here!
I'm glad you apologized
for behaving badly.
- Please...
- Who's that?
Look at his face,
the bastard is losing his cool.
It's time you explained
a few things to me.
- Explain what?
- Hi, Honeybuns.
- Honeybuns?
- Forget honeybuns, this is a jam!
- Who are these girls?
- I have no idea.
I'm glad you contacted me.
You know Ettore too?
This must be a joke.
What the heck is this charade about?
I'm talking to him.
Excuse me.
You're a piece of shit.
I don't even know you.
- Who are you?
- I'll kill you.
What's he doing?
- What did I do?
- What did you do?
- You fucked my girl!
- Ettore, what's going on?
- What are you saying?
- What, don't you remember her?
- No.
- Brunette with a tattoo?
Paolo...
You really don't remember?
I'll refresh your memory,
you shithead!
- Start explaining.
- Hold on, I'll be right back.
- What is going on?
- Just give me a second.
Who are all these girls?
Can I have your attention please.
I'm sure you all find
this situation rather odd,
but...
there comes a time in life
when a man must be straightforward.
I realize I've made many mistakes...
sorry, I'm getting emotional,
and have hurt many of you.
You too, my friend.
- He's talking to you.
- Yes.
I'd like to apologize to you all,
wholeheartedly.
I'm a new man now,
thanks to a special person.
I wanted all the important women
in my life to be here
to say that thanks to her,
I know what love is,
real love.
And as of today,
my heart will only belong to...
Stefania.
- He's one great actor.
- Invincible.
We could use
some of that stuff of yours now.
Sorry, I've got a call.
He did good.
For once he was honest.
What a pity.
Hey, you can't imagine
what just happened.
You'll never believe it,
such a surreal situation.
Know all those chicks
I've been banging recently?
I don't know how
but they all showed up at the club.
Crazy coincidence, total nightmare.
I fed Stefania a load of bullshit,
luckily she believed it,
at least I have one left.
I have a new rule: the bigger the
lie, the more a woman falls for it.
It's a fact.
- What an ass.
- Unbelievable.
Talk to you later.
Stefania!
My grandma...
- Really?
- Now you're through...
What's going on?
"I can't take your call now,"
"leave me a message."
Hey, Stefania.
How are you doing?
"What happened at the club..."
"was horrible."
If you want to talk to someone
about anything,
call me.
I'm here for you.
Bye.
Marco...
your dad's at the buzzer.
Make sure to give us
the table near the window
and put some flowers
on the table, thanks.
- Romantic rendezvous?
- Yes, my wedding anniversary.
- It's important.
- I thought you and women...
- This is my wife.
- So?
So...
My wife is the most important thing
in my life.
- Looking for your son?
- Yes, have you seen him?
This morning, but he left
and I haven't seen him since.
He's a good kid.
By the way, he left this here.
10 RULES
TO MAKE HER FALL IN LOVE
Prehistoric stereo aside,
there are 3 more rules.
Don't mope,
don't write dumb shit on Facebook,
and don't listen to depressing music.
There are millions of girls out there
who'd kill to be with you.
Millions?
Thousands.
"- Hello?"
- Hi, ch?rie. How are you?
"- Fine, and you?"
- Swell.
I have a favor to ask,
I think you can help me.
That's a pepper plant,
that's tomato...
Patrizio, dig deeper.
Okay, good.
- Pass me the water.
- Water? Right away.
Good work, Elena.
- Can I dig too?
- Sure, right near the tomato.
Marco?
This is yours.
Someone had me read this,
since you were too shy.
Now I know who you are.
If I'd looked past your exterior,
you wouldn't have needed that charade.
Maybe things between us
could've gone differently,
but we messed everything up.
I'm going to Paris.
I need some time alone.
Take care.
Teacher,
how far away is Paris?
Wait, Stefania!
Gross!
I should've done this sooner,
is it too late now?
No.
"All is well now."
"I took out a loan"
"and fulfilled my dream"
"of having my own day care."
"It's official,"
"I'll be a great teacher."
"My friends"
"are the same old jerk-offs,"
"truth be told,"
"I'm the one who's changed."
"At the end of this all I realized"
"there's only one rule in love:"
"that no rules exist."
"That's why love"
"always surprises us."
- Hi, it's me.
- Did something happen to Marco?
No, why would something
have happened?
We never talk, so I got worried.
It's a pity,
we should talk more often.
Are you nuts?
We've been separated for 7 years.
I'm slow.
"It's important to have the guts"
"to be yourself,"
"because we all, trust me,"
"will find our soul mate."
"It's the law of nature:"
"the male always finds his female."
"Even if this isn't always"
"a good thing..."
How did the male get here?
He pollinated them all!
Now what'll I smoke?
Radio Dee Jay,
how shall we wrap up
this session on love?
- Love... is great!
- Bravo!
Love is great like the sun,
like the sea, like the sky...
We get the point.
Love is also
arguing about a sock left on the bed.
Is it yours? Why!
My girl wears terry cloth socks.
Plus you have a person
who squeezes your blackheads.
That image just convinced
all of our listeners to fall in love.
Love is fighting over
the remote control.
You want to watch the game,
she wants her soap operas.
Your lives are
devastated by your relationships.
But we're trying to convince you
that having the right partner in life
is the greatest thing.
There's only one rule I know.
What?
Credit card,
that way you pick, you do it...
Careful, never pay more
than 1,000 euro in cash...
...or you'll need an invoice.
A no-limit credit card.
Jokes aside,
we hope you found the right person,
who's sitting next to you,
someone you just found on the highway.
Friends,
that's all for now. Thanks from...
- Giorgio.
- Gabriele.
And Furio...
and remember,
love one another, love one another.
Them, not us!
w w w . p r i j e v o d i - o n l i n e . o r g