10 Rules (2014) - full transcript
The hero of the new film comedy Marek is a typical example of a young Mimone, living in his own universe. It's smart and kind astrophysics student, whose greatest love is not only stars, but also horoscopes. His career, however, he one day crosses the dream girl and Marek falls hopelessly so that the school can not even do the test. At this moment things are worn to his friends committed. They decide to call for help and dedication to Mark's problems his father, who is a successful publisher of a series of bestsellers on the topic: how to get a woman. Together, they begin to prepare Marek great strategy game, thanks to which he would be able to find your way to the beloved girl. It had, however, setting the stage for many a big bummer. Marek under the guidance of his father and friends undertake a very peculiar psychology course girls. This applies, however, in the lives of the 10 rules exactly as guaranteed by the books?
MAGIC BOX presents
RWE
ENERGY OF CZECH CINEMATOGRAPHY
MAIN PARTNER
NOVA
CO-PRODUCER
RWE
MEDIA PARTNER
EVROPA 2
IN ASSOCIATION WITH
HBO
MONIKA KRISTLOVÁ AND DAWSON FILMS
PRESENT
Do you know what's up there?
No.
- Venus.
- Hm.
And the few stars behind
are the Gemini constellation.
Wonderful.
Venus in Gemini
on our anniversary.
- Do you know what that means?
- No.
This is the best thing
that could ever happen to us...
Talking about us, you should know
I'm now seeing Ivan.
- What?
- Yes.
Wait, how can you go out with Ivan
when you're my girlfriend?
But you're no good
with girls at all!
Move to another planet!
10 RULES HOW TO PICK UP A GIRL
...ONE YEAR LATER
BASED ON A STORY
BY CRISTIANO BORTONE AND FAUSTO BRIZZI
Starring
My God, Marie?? can't you
shut the door at least?
Erik's here,
so what's the matter?
That's why we have the schedule,
isn't it?
Ecuador, inhale??
Should I put some aftershave on?
Sure. What about the stars,
Something wrong up there again?
It's OK, just the Moon
causing trouble with Jupiter.
And to make things worse,
in the sign of Cancer.
You've been fretting over her
for the past three months.
- So I don't know what you're waiting for.
- Well, I know.
But you won't meet
the girl like this.
I know.
Look, if she's meant to be yours,
she will be, OK?
Hmm.
- Good morning.
- Good morning.
- Are you all right?
- Sorry, I didn't do it on purpose.
No, it's OK, it's because of
the Moon in Jupiter.
- You come here often?
- No, why?
- Every time I come here I see you.
- Coincidence perhaps.
Oh, excuse me!
Love is just a virus, made
in nature, for the purpose...
of reproduction.
If you ignore her,
you'll be all right.
He can't stop thinking of her...
not everyone's like you.
- Well, Batman has his Robin.
- Batman isn't gay.
What about your dad,
he could help you, couldn't he?
Are you serious?
His manuals are just for losers.
Whereas Marek here is Casanova.
Oh, Jesus, sorry!
You don't know him, he messes up
people's lives.
How, for example?
You'll either be a doctor or an
astrophysicist or an architect.
That can be handy sometimes.
You don't know what it's like
when your dad wants you to be a superkid??
对不起 你好
[Sorry, hello]
Why did he teach you Chinese
of all languages?
He heard it's the language
of the future.
And he wanted me to be
ready for everything.
Get cracking, touch the branch!
He simply thinks he is the
world's greatest guy.
And I was supposed to be even better.
Oh well, we'll try another time.
I love you, come, my little ones!
Ladies and gentlemen,
everyone in the world, each of you
is controlled by chemistry.
You feel you are angry,
you're afraid, you're in love.
This book, How to Get a Woman,
comes after several bestsellers.
It's based on the awareness of this.
It gives new and better methods
how to win anybody
your heart yearns for.
We should not forget the writer.
I'm very happy he's in my team.
If you want his autograph,
now is the time.
Thank you.
This way...
- There you are. - Thank you very much.
- A dedication?
N-no. D-do you think it'll w-work
on me as w-well?
Naturally.
I recommend Chapter 12.
Next please.
- Good afternoon.
- Want a dedication?
Well, I haven't come
for an autograph at all.
What did you say?
It's Marek, he's got big
problems with a girl.
Give him the book to read
and his problems will be over.
You know he won't do that.
He's angry with you.
How can I help him, when I hardly
know what he looks like?
How? He's your son and
he can't pick up a girl.
That's not a great
advertisement, is it?
Can you explain at least
the basic idea of derivation...
of the Thyserand criterion and its
application to the solar system?
This is your second attempt.
You haven't prepared, have you?
- I have but...
- But?
I can't seem to concentrate.
Well, I'm very sorry. Hopefully
you'll be in better shape later.
But I can't give you
any credit today.
Czechs versus Slovaks!
Hello!
Hello! Can we play
the planets game?
You bet.
Did you pass the exam?
Come on, Marek,
you have just one year left.
- You won't give up now, will you?
- I know.
- Leave him alone!
- OK, don't worry.
How can I be so useless?
I even can't make her acquaintance.
You're head over heels in love.
You need some help.
Somebody who knows the ropes.
I told you I don't want my dad's advice.
- In that case we have a problem.
- What?
- I've invited him for dinner.
- What? - Tonight.
- Where?
- To our place.
- Marie!
- What?
- There's nothing but weed and mess.
- Oh yes, the weed!
Everything out,
there must be no sign of any weed.
You should air the room first.
What are you doing,
what do you want to hoover now?
- Well, the flat's a mess.
- Really? I hadn't noticed.
We're cleaning up.
And don't smoke here!
Cleaning up? And what?
- What are you doing?
- Hiding it.
And what about the cassettes?
Stoners. Marijuana. Turn them around at least.
What an apartment!??
Everywhere.
- Erik, where are you?
- He's here.
Hey, Erik! Erik, get up! Get up,
my dad's coming in a moment.
- We have to hide him somewhere.
- Erik? Where, for God's sake?
What about the basement?
Pavel, what happened?
- No, no, they'll all die!
- Erik!
- What is he doing?
- What about the fuses in the corridor?
- In the corridor?
- Don't die, that's the main thing!
Bugger off, you silly bitch,
I'm with your sister anyway...
- I was good for you when...
- What do you think?
What are you looking at?
Watch out or you'll get hurt.
You want to kill them?
Erik, take them away.
He's coming, let's go.
Come on, move, dude!
Good afternoon.
- Good afternoon.
- Good afternoon.
Excuse me, where is
Marek Bergr's flat?
Over there.
Thank you.
Hi, dad.
Take some, we didn't have time
to do any shopping.
Marie will bring something.
- Do you want a drink?
- We've got only water.
- Why don't you live on campus?
- Does it matter where I live? - No!
- How can you study here?
- I have my own room.
Well, so you do.
Hey, dad, that's my business.
I send you money, so I can
have some say, no?
Now you're interested!
- None of your cheek!
- Here we are.
I'm very glad you have come.
We don't know what
to do with Marek.
Normally, I wouldn't bother,
I have no time for such things.
But when your friend here told me
I thought it might make a good book.
- What?
- Yes, I even have a title for it:
Seduction Techniques
for Hopeless Cases.
Do you have to embarrass me?
I don't expect you've read
any of the books I publish.
Look, I don't need your help.
I'll manage myself.
He's been trying
to do that for 3 months.
- Thanks, I'm not having anything.
- He just gazes at her in the library.
A classic hopeless case.
I've prepared a programme for you.
- But I don't need...
- A programme? Are you serious?
Yes.
How can you apply something so exact
as a programme to something...
as illogical as humans?
Have you ever heard
of chemistry, young man?
Marek's problems will be solved
within a month.
- Bullshit. - Want to bet?
- How much?
What are you talking about?
I have to agree first!
Marek, what have you got to lose?
She goes to the library every week.
Next week the stars will be
aligned better.
Yes.
Near the theatre.
OK, I'm coming.
Oh my.
Excuse me, miss, excuse me.
- Isn't this yours?
- Thank you. And the scarf?
Oh sorry.
I apologize, I'm...
Wait, wait, stop, please, stop!
- Hi.
- Hi.
- Shall we go?
- It's very kind of you to come.
- No problem at all.
- I'm really sorry,
- it must have fallen out.
- It doesn't matter.
- I'll buy you a new one.
- Hi. - Hi.
10 rules how to pick up a girl.
I've chosen the best parts from my books.
This technique guarantees
100% success.
Your books? You haven't
written a thing.
Do you know what a publisher does,
young man?
Do you think these scribblers
would be anything without me?
All the knowhow is here, get it?
How come you can't
get it printed in time?
- Nonsense.
- Why's it nonsense, for God's sake?
Women are affected by
different things, see?
- You'll fall for anything.
- And you're a jerk.
But everybody is different.
And when you have a system
with one unpredictable element...
you can never guarantee anything.
And there are loads of such elements.
That's chaos theory.
You've seen Jurassic Park, haven't you?
If I had built Jurassic Park,
nothing would have gone wrong.
Excuse me.
People always break up in the end
anyway, so what's the point?
Rule 1: the hunter should
know his prey.
At least don't call her prey.
Look, love is a game,
a cat-and-mouse game.
And to get a nice juicy mouse,
the cat has to know its ways.
I thought she'd look like a model.
I'll have to exaggerate a bit??
Are you more concerned
with your book or with me?
OK, she's attractive. Take note
of the details, body language.
She's no flirt, she's not
offering herself.
The girl doesn't need a man at all.
Our object is a 25-year girl
named Stefanie.
I'm impressed.
- A student at the Faculty of Arts.
- Majoring in French lit. - Excellent!
- What type is Stefanie?
- Quite a doll.
- Hair?
- Brown.
- Eyes?
- Two.
- Erik!
- What did I say?
- Height?
- 165 cm.
Style?
More like Laurel and Hardy??
I think she's lovely.
Mother Slovak, father French,
working at the French Embassy.
- Actually, he's the ambassador.
- What?
- Come and see.
- It's starting to look promising.
- What?
- Doesn't matter who she is.
She's a woman and the rules
work on women.
She had a boyfriend,
a Premier League footballer.
- While she was studying at Oxford.
- I see.
Don't worry, she must have
some weaker points.
- I'll help you.
- Thanks very much.
She's charitable to a fault,
she'd help anybody if she could.
That's for you.
- Are you OK?
- Jesus.
- What good is this?
- It may come in handy in due time.
But now the most important thing.
Is she single?
- Hi.
- Actually there's this guy.
What guy?
Filip. His parents are wealthy,
in the real estate business.
But he's just circling around her,
they're not going out, so it's OK.
Well, he's got no chance against
my rules anyway.
All right, what about Stefanie's
other hobbies?
- Oh my God, no.
- Well done.
The sport I hate
most in the whole world.
Didn't I tell you tennis could
come in useful one day?
It will be useful one day!
Come on, work at it!
Ow!
No chance, she's a superwoman.
Don't give up,
take it as baptism of fire.
Seducing is just knowhow,
and it's in here.
In this case it's more
like science fiction.
Get lost, will you?
Rule 2: she has to notice you.
She already has.
You weren't ready but
we are, and we have a plan.
You have to try again.
What will be wrong with my leg?
A sprained ankle.
Since she's so keen on charity...
she's sure to help you get on.
And while she's doing that,
tell her how it happened.
I've sprained my ankle
while playing tennis.
Really, I also play tennis.
Do you? Haven't we already met?
At the university, maybe.
Maybe. Where do you study,
at the Faculty of Arts?
No, I'm studying astrophysics.
But I love literature, French poetry.
- What do you say?
- Ingenious.
I've got a bad feeling about this.
Come on, it's a foolproof plan.
Your dad's simply incredible.
- I don't know, Mars...
- She's coming, off you go.
- Come on, get a move on!
- Take the crutches, you'll be fine.
- Can I help you?
- Great, thanks.
- Can I help you?
- No, thanks!
But we need a good deed
for the Scouts.
I said no!
Who asked you?
No, thank you, no,
let me go, no thanks!
No, I don't need a seat.
Let me go! Go away!
Excuse me.
- That's all right, sit down.
- No, it's all right.
- He put his hand in your bag!
- Who? Me?
- Where's my purse?
- I saw him!
- Are you following me?
- No.
Can you give me back my purse?
- I haven't... - Is he taking
something from my pockets too?
Give it back!
Stop thief! Police, there's
a thief...
- You're such an idiot!
- Me? It's Mars's fault!
- What are you talking about?
- In that alignment
something was bound to go wrong.
Next you'll be consulting a fortune-teller!
Who did you get this from?
Your Jurassic Park collapsed
sooner than I expected.
He has to improvise, not just listen
to what other people tell him!
- Like a bonehead.
- Who, me?
- The plan was stupid.
- You're beaten to it by a blind man!
All you do is order me about.
You've been here a few days
and it's the same old story.
Are you suggesting
it's all my fault?
- Who else's? - You think so?
- Absolutely.
- What do you want?
- Look, it's her.
It's her.
Guys, let's get out of here,
you do your best, go!
I'm very sorry, the boys were shouting
and I couldn't find my purse.
It was right at the bottom.
I've come to get you of jail.
I really feel embarrassed.
No, it's OK. I could have been
a thief or a crazy stalker.
I'll explain it to them and then
invite you for a coffee.
- Are you free now?
- Yes, well...
- Sorry...
- That's all right.
- Here you are.
- Thank you.
I see your leg's better.
- My leg?
- The one in plaster.
Yes, right, the plaster fell off.
And what had happened to you?
Playing top-level tennis for years
has to leave its mark??
- This is a real mess.
- Why? This is a stroke of luck.
This meeting shouldn't have happened.
He doesn't know the next step.
- Well, he'll manage somehow.
- You don't realize what's at stake.
The first meeting sets the tone,
whether she's interested or not.
If you mess it up,
there's no second chance.
Do you prefer forehand or backhand?
- We need an emotion bomb??
- An emotion bomb?
- Invalids, old people, kids.
- Why don't you call Marie?
- Marie?
- Yes.
- Marie has kids?
- Marie has lots of kids.
Call Marie, then!
Let's draw another planet,
the Moon.
If we've got the Earth
we have to have the Moon.
Yes?
Marek minus?? we're losing him.
Jesus, Erik, you're stoned again.
I need to detonate your children...
- What?
- I mean, a bomb with your kids.
- Oh, God.
- Erik, cool it.
It's me.
I don't like playing for one club,
so I keep switching.
- And I like clay best.
- Excuse me.
- Will you excuse me for a moment?
- Sure.
- What's the matter now?
- You're losing her.
I know that without you, why
drag me into the toilets to tell me?
- Rule 3: Impress her.
- There's no time for that now.
- Hello.
- Hello.
The ice breaks
at the first meeting, do you get me?
If I stay here any longer,
she'll just leave.
- Drop an emotion bomb.
- What?
Women don't just want a real and successful
man. He has to be sensitive, too.
- What are you talking about?
- I'm lying about tennis.
Excellent, keep lying, but
don't only speak about yourself.
Be interested in her.
Ask her questions, admire her.
Then we'll use children as a bomb.
What?
- I'm having a meeting.
- What kind of children?
- We've already called Marie...
- Excuse me.
You have to keep Stefanie here.
Meanwhile, think of what to do
with the kids.
What kind of thing, Dad?
My God, you're a dimwit.
What are you good at?
Stars, astrophysics, poetry.
It's now or never.
- Goodbye.
- Goodbye.
- Get going! - Excuse me?
- This is none of your business.
- Well, you took your time.
- Sorry, you know...
- I'll have to be going.
- Me too.
I have an astrophysics lecture today.
You study astrophysics?
That's great.
I've loved watching the stars
since I was little.
So have I. When you think
how huge the universe is...
and we are so tiny.
Exactly, but even so, just imagine
you're at the centre of it all.
With everything going around you.
- Wait a moment.
- Sorry.
That's astrology again.
Everyone can be the centre
of the universe.
That's the best thing about it.
You'll have to teach me some time.
- And what do you do?
- I'm studying literature.
I'm interested in lesser-known
19th century French poets.
- Such as Louis-Xavier Teja?
- You know him?
Are you kidding? Wait,
he wrote verses like...
Let me think: Nature compliant to
our supreme commands...
Nous connaîtrons alors le secret,
[Then we will know the secret,]
que l'étoile verte avec ses rayons localise les fleurs
[how the green star with its rays locate the flowers]
You know what I like best about France?
The way it smells.
I love lavender, and
the other thing I love about France...
你好 [Hello]
你好 [Hello]
对不起打扰了
[Sorry for disturbing]
[illegible chinese]
我的狗不见了
[My dog is lost]
[Imitation canine howling]
对不起 我不知道
[Sorry, i don't know]
你得给问询处打电话
[You must call the help desk]
- 再见 [Bye]
- 再见 [Bye]
You speak Chinese?
- I learnt it when I was little.
- I see.
Uncle Marek!
Hi.
Can you give me a piggy-back?
Yes. These are kids from
a nearby kindergarten.
Do you want to be the centre
of the universe for a while?
Here we have Mercury, Venus,
and Lucinka will be the Earth.
- And what have we got here, kids?
- The Sun!
Let's try it out the way we said.
Planets above your heads...
Ready?
3,2,1, go!
Let's go!
I hate to admit it,
but you're a genius.
- Ow, what's that for?
- You've got a girlfriend?
At least calm them down now
that you've got them all excited.
I have to go now, but we could
do this again.
Actually, it's my birthday tomorrow,
will you come to the party?
10 Kopernikova Street, and
bring whoever you want.
To Mark!
- Well? - It's delicious.
- It cost a fortune.
Kids, everything's fine but we
still have work to do.
Rule 4.
I personally call it
The Three Guards Rule.
We have only a man here
but we can use our imagination.
So far you've just been surveying
the landscape.
But this will have to change at
the second meeting.
It's time for attack.
To be successful you have to
outsmart the three guards:
Brain, heart, libido.
You mean her pussy?
Call it whatever you want
but that's where we start.
He's no good. Marie, come here,
let's try it for real.
- Me? OK.
- Come here, that's it.
Wait a moment, not you.
You're too good.
You're bound to succeed.
- All right, you take my place.
- Why Pavel?
- Me? - Yes, come on.
- OK.
Stand face to face.
Pay attention!
Use any opportunity to touch her.
Softly, as though accidentally.
And look into her eyes all the time.
That's the strongest aphrodisiac.
If you do it right, the first guard...
will be begging the second one
to open the gate.
Dad!
The heart is conquered,
thanks to the emotion bomb??
You just have to finish it off.
What do you see?
- Jesus, you look stupid.
- No, I, I just...
Quiet, concentrate.
I know it's on
the tip of your tongue.
I see eyes, they're brown...
I'm losing myself in them.
They're like a well, deep,
but not cold.
Lovely eyes.
I seem to have known
them forever.
Stop, stop, stop.
You shouldn't
overdo it so much.
You have to cool off so she
doesn't get too sure of herself.
Then she'll want you even more.
Good.
Hey, Erik, it won't stop.
I told you the gas pedal
tends to get stuck.
You have to step on it,
or we'll end up in that garden.
- Why are you stopping here?
- We'll go on foot. - Why?
- We can't turn up in this.
- Why not?
- Do you have to drink so much?
- I just tripped.
Look, we're trying to impress her.
We will, the Indian stuff still works.
Leave it for later.
- This is the place?
- She said 10 Kopernikova Street.
I'm not going there.
Wait, where are you going?
We've been invited, haven't we?
I'm going with him,
he needs support.
- What about the cake?
- What's wrong with it?
Perhaps we shouldn't really.
It's a laugh.
- Wait.
- What's the matter?
Can I help you?
Pavel!
We've come to see Stefanie,
we're invited to the party.
- What a party! And food!
- Hey, Erik, wait!
My dear, all the best,
good health and happiness.
Thank you.
- Hi, Marek.
- Hello.
Sorry, I forgot to tell
you about the dress code.
They let us in.
You look great.
- All the best.
- Wow, that's lovely.
One day I'll show you what
goes on up there.
Or I can tell you your destiny??
I'll be back in a minute. Wait here.
All the best.
Young man, who let you in?
Stefanie invited me
to her birthday party.
Our daughter.
Where do you know her from?
From the library, but we met earlier
in a bus, then at the police station.
It's a bit complicated.
Que dit-il?
[What did he say?]
But I'd better be going.
J'espère que cet homme ne vous dérange pas,
[I hope this person does'nt bother you]
je ne suis pas sur si il y a bon moment pour montrer ma connaissance du karaté
[I'm not sure if this is a good time to show my karate knowledge]
-Vous êtes très gentil. -J'espère que ça ira.
[-You are very kind. -I hope everything will be all right.]
Filip, could you get Stefanie,
the fireworks are about to start.
Is that young man here with you?
Have we met?
I'll roll a joint and we'll
get to know one another.
No.
Marek, this is a great guy!
How long have you known each other?
Stefanie!
Excuse me.
- This cake wasn't a good idea.
- What?
The Amadeus guy looked into the box
and took it away.
What if he's a cop?
I told you not to bring it,
you freak!
Sorry.
This is it?
- Can you help me?
- Of course.
- Thanks.
- I'd do anything for you.
Sorry, I didn't mean to interrupt.
I've brought you the telescope.
Wait, Marek.
We were thinking
what to do with your cake.
If my parents find it,
they'll kill me.
Could you take it away?
Hurry up, the fireworks are over.
Have you been upstairs?
- No. - No?
- No.
But I saw you coming down.
You know it's out of bounds?
I just took the telescope
for Stefanie into her room.
And where are you going
with the box?
Outside, to get some air.
May I see what's inside?
- Why?
- What do you mean?
You've been traipsing
around the house, carrying a box...
So it's logical that I want to know
what's inside.
Just some rubbish.
I've already called the police,
so don't cause trouble!
Sorry.
Stop!
Hey!
Have you read this?
Instead of picking up a girl
you cause an international incident.
What's with the phone,
what do you want to do?
Rule 5.
Absolutely fundamental.
After the first date
the key thing is...
not to be the first to call, even
if the meeting was a disaster.
- Leave me alone.
- There's a superman hanging around her.
And the two of them seem
to have something going on.
- Did they kiss?
- No.
I don't know, but they
were pretty close.
That doesn't mean a thing.
See what I told you.
Take the call!
Hi, Marek.
I was just going to call you,
Stefanie, I'm really very sorry.
Stop apologizing.
They've found it was just
a sponge cake.
So you won't be deported?
No, but my parents would like
to deport you.
Don't grunt, for God's sake!
Remember Filip?
The guy I introduced at the party.
Filip? Oh, that guy.
He's invited some people
to his quarry. It's in the countryside.
No city lights, you can see
meteorites with the naked eye.
- Yes, sure.
- Marek...
I thought, would you like
to join us?
We could try out your gift.
That would be great.
It's pretty basic there,
if you don't mind.
- I like that kind of wilderness.
- Wilderness?
Tell her you like the wilderness.
Say: I love the wilderness.
- I love the wilderness.
- I also like it rough??
If you have a rival, you have
to show you're better.
I know, you already said that.
Filip seems to be a strong rival
but what is his domain?
Parties, embassies, tennis,
simply city life.
But out in the countryside
you'll be the alpha male.
- Really?
- Sure.
Couldn't the alpha male
sleep out in the open?
Pack it in, once you get the knack,
you'll trounce him.
You have to get it down to under a minute.
We thought it better to buy lots of stuff.
- Ow.
- You could go to Alaska with this stuff.
Alaska? Where's that?
- Nothing grows there.
- The barbecue special.
- What the hell is that?
- Carp, what else? For barbecuing.
I don't want to underestimate you,
but you'll need a firelighter too.
Alpha male.
- Won't you change your mind?
- Mum, I'm a big girl. I'll be OK.
Good morning.
Wait, it takes a while
but once the engine starts, then...
No problem, the main thing
is to get there.
You can tell your friend that
his old wreck runs pretty well.
- You think so? Ruza.
- Ruza?
Ruza, that's what Erik calls it.
Thanks for letting me drive,
I love old cars.
My God.
- Did you say something?
- I said it's wonderful. - Yes, it is.
Filip!
- Hello.
- Hi.
You're alone? Where are the others?
Called it off at the last minute
because of the weather.
There'll be just the two us,
if you don't mind.
- There'll be three of us.
- Hi, I'm Marek.
Oh, you're the one with the cake.
Marek is an expert on stars,
he can teach us a lot.
- How was the journey?
- Great.
- You brought a tent as well?
- Yes.
It's nice. I've got one, too.
- Oh, it's big.
- It's for two.
I had a tent like that when I was six;
I pitched it in our garden.
This one's been through a lot.
Wow, you're good at that.
I'm no good at things like that.
If you fetch some firewood,
I'll put up your tent too.
Great.
- To make things quite clear...
- You're blocking the light.
I've invested into Stefanie
months of hard work...
and I prepared this weekend
to bring everything to fruition.
I see, very interesting.
Excuse me I've got to make a fireplace.
I've already made one.
I've got something.
Let me help you.
- It's a bit damp.
- That's OK, we'll manage.
It's beautiful here!
- Hey, what are you doing?
- I'll catch something for dinner.
He won't catch a thing.
Thank God I bought lots of food.
Come over here, let's all sit together.
Shouldn't we get inside the tent
now it's raining?
I don't mind, I love the rain.
We're in luck, dinner's on the way.
- So fast, how did you do it?
- I once took a survival course.
You have to factor in the refraction
of light on the surface.
And aim ahead of the fish.
Get some forks so we can cook it.
It looks old and dull.
You sure it wasn't dead
before you caught it?
Just shows you only shop
in supermarkets.
- You had time to gut it as well?
- Easy when you know how.
Go and fetch the forks,
I've never roasted carp.
You've brought a guitar, that's great.
I thought we were going to watch meteorites.
Meteors! Meteorites are meteors
that hit the Earth.
But today we'll watch Perseids.
They are dust particles
that burn up in the atmosphere.
And where in the universe
did the particles come from?
They are part of the tail
of a comet that lagged behind.
And now they are
trying to catch up with it.
That's really interesting.
How about having a game
before it gets dark?
- A game of what?
- Tennis.
Dad's friend has a cottage
nearby. With a tennis court.
That's great, Marek plays for
a tennis club.
- Does he?
- Yes, but...
That can wait.
Come on, Marek.
It's OK, I don't need to knock up.
At least you'll have head start.
Let's play a proper set
right away, shall we?
Sure.
Let's go, then?
I hope we beat him.
He always wins.
Sure, he's got no chance.
15- love.
- Serving to you.
- I know that.
- Can you stand?
- I don't know, it's the ankle again.
Perhaps you shouldn't have
strained it so much??
Should I call an ambulance?
No, it's all right,
it's not that bad.
Something's on fire.
Oh God!
Shit!
Looks like you'll be sleeping in the open.
But the carp's cooked to perfection.
Oh shit.
- Shit. I'm coming!
- Are you OK?
The water's freezing.
Pull me out, will you?
I can't manage myself.
What will you do now?
Jump in?
How will we get out afterwards?
Grab this, I'll pull you out.
We'll all end up down there.
Hold tight!
Hold on!
It's got caught!
What?
You're gonna break it, Einstein!
Free it, then... pretty boy!
Watch out, what are you doing?
Oh, shit!
You've come to save me?
I'd come to save you anytime,
day or night.
Look out!
And you weren't afraid
jumping down into the water?
With you I don't think twice,
you know that.
No, please no.
Over there, that's Andromeda.
It's beautiful!
That's the Great Bear,
Andromeda's on the other side.
Thank you.
Dad.
- Here you are, for you?
- Thanks.
- Are you ready to order?
- Not yet. One moment.
I'll have this.
Thanks for coming along
and ruining everything so nicely.
If I hadn't scored yesterday,
I'd give her the elbow.
I tried all the rules, and nothing.
And yesterday it was all impromptu,
and she swallowed it hook, line and sinker.
It'll be plain sailing from now on.
- You've got rules?
- Of course I've got rules.
And by the look of you,
you need some as well.
It will be your best
investment you ever make.
Really?
Buy some books so you know
what I'm talking about.
The tap sprays a bit.
You smell so nice.
I remember
this fragrance from my childhood.
I remember...
What is it?
I've fallen head over heels
in love with you.
But I cannot put up
with this any longer.
But how will you get home?
Rule 9.
In view of your plight, I'll skip
the kissing and love-making rules.
If you can't beat your rival,
you have to destroy him.
Our target must be discredited.
Marie, you'll be our bait.
You know what to do, don't you?
Sure, no problem. Guys like him
always want to have a good time.
- You've hooked it up?
- Yes, I have.
It's 2 October 2013 and I'm going
to play tennis, for the first time.
It's being recorded?
Hi, you're a really good player.
What's wrong with my serve?
- I really want you.
- So do I.
I wonder what's going on there?
Wait, I need some special foreplay.
- Foreplay? - Hmm.
- What kind of foreplay?
- Well...
- Now!
Time for my baby.
The Pearl of Malaysia.
Anyone not ready for Malaysia
is in for a big surprise.
Hello, tiger.
- You found this in his place?
- Yes, right in his computer.
My God, what's this?
An incredibly detailed database
of all his girlfriends.
Nice.
- This one, Sugar-pie.
- Sugar-pie? My God!
- Well I never...
- That's heavy.
This is better than your video!
And what about Stefanie?
Yes, wait, wait,
here we are, "final plan".
Dinner.
Chateau Mcely.
Chateau Mcely, well well.
It's obvious.
This is where he takes them for
their first... rumpy-pumpy.
It's his hunting ground.
- That's enough.
- What a bastard!
Calm down, we're going to do
this, aren't we?
Sure thing.
We've got the girls' e-mail addresses.
Quite enough for rule 9.
Monika. Hi, Monika.
- Hello.
- Hello.
- Filip, at last!
- Hi, how are you?
I've been waiting for you
here for ages.
That's great news.
Who is this?
I'll see you later,
I have a match and I'm late.
- What match?
- My niece, she's completely crazy.
Darling, have you finally realized
you were beastly to me?
Me, beastly? There must be some mistake.
I don't know her at all.
I knew you wouldn't forget
your Sugar-pie.
- Are you out of your mind, Sugar-pie?
- But I'm Sugar-pie!
- Anybody could say that.
- What does this mean?
Nothing, I don't know,
let's go.
At last, Filip.
What's this girl doing here?
Great, it's working.
Thanks.
- I don't envy him this.
- I think they're gonna kill him.
One betrayed woman is bad enough,
but when you have ten...
May I ask you for your attention.
I know what I'm going to say now
might sound strange...
Excuse me.
I know I've made
lots of mistakes in my life.
Where are you off to?
I'd like to apologize
from the bottom of my heart.
Believe me, there's a new man
standing in front of you.
And for that I have
one person to thank.
I've invited all the girls
who were important in my life,
to announce that from now on
there is only Stefanie for me.
What am I to do with you?
If you fail today, then you'll
have wasted four years of study.
Could you give me
a different question?
What does your astrology have
to say about your problem?
Sorry?
Well, draw it for me.
Go ahead, please.
Mercury's in the third house and
Venus is gaining influence.
Saturn is in Aquarius
which is my sign,
so everything should be OK, but...
That's enough. I see you have
no problems with your horoscope.
I've got this problem,
so I calculated it.
And did it help?
Look, you've been an excellent
student for 4 years.
I'll forget you were here today.
See you in two weeks.
Thank you very much.
Marek, I understand your passion
for astrology,
but you're studying physics,
so you should believe in yourself.
So long.
You're not going home?
You shouldn't keep her
waiting long.
Who?
Thank you.
Sorry. I'd have tidied up
if I knew you were coming.
Marek, come and sit here.
I want to talk to you.
I've thought a lot about it.
Hold on, will you?
Sorry. Hello.
It's complicated.
Suddenly you two
appear and what am I to do?
You told me you love me
and I care about you as well.
You're a good listener,
you're sincere, but so is Filip lately.
So I'm confused.
But if you were to repeat
what you had said last time...
that would definitely help me
come to a decision.
What I said in the restaurant?
Yes, something like that.
Sorry, I guess
I'm rushing things.
No, no, I just don't know...
OK, I'll give you a minute.
Can I go to the loo?
In the corridor, just round
the corner.
All right, then.
Stefanie, this was out of love,
I only didn't know how...
She should feel important, like you've
known each other a long time.
And like she was the only one
you could confide in.
Please wait, Stefanie.
- You're not taking my phone calls.
- I want to be left alone, Dad.
- You've been on your own, for ten days.
- Leave me alone.
- Shouldn't you be studying?
- I don't want to hear it, dad.
None of your advice or rules.
You've turned me into the biggest
scoundrel under the sun.
Excellent. Now the last rule, number 10.
When she chucks you for good,
don't collapse, you have to forget.
There are millions of other women out
there waiting for a nice boy...
like you to smile at them.
And this is what?
Another rule designed to control me?
Marek, please!
You want to control me, to have
me doing your bidding.
Just like Mum.
- But I won't do it, never.
- Marek, cut it out.
Your rules are useless
for me, just like you, Dady.
Marek, get up.
Oh, Christ, Pavel.
I was just dreaming I kept
throwing a ball. What a nightmare.
Look, I have a friend
in a maternity ward in hospital.
And Filip has knocked Stefanie up.
She's pregnant. Too late.
It can't be true, tell me it's not true.
Of course it's not true, but it could be,
if we don't move fast.
Look, we've been checking out
your pretty boy.
And he's currently dating
three other girls.
And he's got his eye on these ones.
He's a fast worker.
He's one big sex machine.
- And what about Stefanie?
- You remember Chateau Mcely?
He's taken her there today.
You should call your dad.
Shit, I told him all about it last night.
I've got to see him.
He'll forgive me for this.
I think he will.
Dad, yesterday I was drunk
and said things that
are no longer true. I'm sorry.
Let's forget about it.
You have a problem
and I can't let you suffer, can I?
Could I borrow your car?
Dad, I told you to leave
it to me.
What?
How far can I go on reserve?
Dad?
- Bon appetit.
- Thanks.
To us, then.
To your
lovely eyes, lips and hair.
So this is where you bring
your girls you want to charm them?
I always thought I had found
the right one, but then...
Since I met you I know that
it isn't enough just to think so.
You have to feel it. I'm really glad
I met you, Stefi.
Filip, I...
Don't worry, you take the bed
and I'll sleep on the couch.
I just wanted to spend an evening
with you, nothing more.
Filip, please!
No, Stefi, wait...
I'll just be a minute.
Stefanie, over here!
Filip, I think I'll go home.
How will you get home at this hour?
Wouldn't you like a massage?
Will you have some wine?
Here you are.
Shit, I've had enough of this.
What the hell is it now?
- You ordered dessert, sir.
- I'm sorry.
Poached pear in vanilla syrup.
Marek, what are you doing here?
I hope you haven't run
all the way from Prague.
Because it's pointless.
What do you two want from me?
Stefi, I understand you're nervous.
But I love you and you love me.
I've never felt such
harmony of two souls before.
I feel I've known you
from a previous life.
Stefi, please come back
to me.
Please.
Stefanie, I know I've messed it up
terribly and you'll never be mine.
I still care for you, and this guy
who's on his knees here, well...
- Are you jealous?
- No.
Well, yes, but I don't want
anyone to hurt you.
But I won't be yours, Marek.
It's enough for me to know
that you're happy.
Fuck her, she screwed up
big time today.
That's a relief for me.
And you can forget about
getting her into bed as well.
I know. But that's not
what's important, is it?
You're crazy.
- I'm fine.
- I can see that.
I'm meant to give you this
from Lucinka from kindergarten.
Wow!
Your relationship is serious,
isn't it?
If only it were as simple
as it is with children.
You just have to play
with them a few times.
A lizard.
A kangaroo.
No, it's not a kangaroo. It's a dinosaur.
A nasty one. It's going
to eat you.
- Hi.
- Hello.
- Your dad told me where to find you.
- He never gives up.
Actually he wanted to take
all the blame for it.
I've been thinking about it.
I think that if you had
told me the truth straight away,
do you think I wouldn't want you?
But you didn't want me.
Ah, well.
You were really afraid
I'd get hurt?
Now I'm not happy. Because of you.
If you were to meet a new girl,
what would your horoscope say?
I've through with all of that.
I've got Mercury in the fourth house.
So if I wanted to start anything
today, well... Ow!
Come on, kids, let's go, shall we?
- I wouldn't do this if I were you.
- Why not?
Lucinka, come along.
- Leave him alone!
- Ouch.
- She loves me.
- That's her bad luck.
- Come here!
- I'm not going!
Marek, Marek!
Tada!
Dad, thank you.
Pleased to meet you.
Hey, dad, now it's your turn.
Go straight to rule 8.
- Hi.
- No!
- Hello.
- This place is taken.
You're free...
Born to be wild!
Born to be wild!
RWE
ENERGY OF CZECH CINEMATOGRAPHY
MAIN PARTNER
NOVA
CO-PRODUCER
RWE
MEDIA PARTNER
EVROPA 2
IN ASSOCIATION WITH
HBO
MONIKA KRISTLOVÁ AND DAWSON FILMS
PRESENT
Do you know what's up there?
No.
- Venus.
- Hm.
And the few stars behind
are the Gemini constellation.
Wonderful.
Venus in Gemini
on our anniversary.
- Do you know what that means?
- No.
This is the best thing
that could ever happen to us...
Talking about us, you should know
I'm now seeing Ivan.
- What?
- Yes.
Wait, how can you go out with Ivan
when you're my girlfriend?
But you're no good
with girls at all!
Move to another planet!
10 RULES HOW TO PICK UP A GIRL
...ONE YEAR LATER
BASED ON A STORY
BY CRISTIANO BORTONE AND FAUSTO BRIZZI
Starring
My God, Marie?? can't you
shut the door at least?
Erik's here,
so what's the matter?
That's why we have the schedule,
isn't it?
Ecuador, inhale??
Should I put some aftershave on?
Sure. What about the stars,
Something wrong up there again?
It's OK, just the Moon
causing trouble with Jupiter.
And to make things worse,
in the sign of Cancer.
You've been fretting over her
for the past three months.
- So I don't know what you're waiting for.
- Well, I know.
But you won't meet
the girl like this.
I know.
Look, if she's meant to be yours,
she will be, OK?
Hmm.
- Good morning.
- Good morning.
- Are you all right?
- Sorry, I didn't do it on purpose.
No, it's OK, it's because of
the Moon in Jupiter.
- You come here often?
- No, why?
- Every time I come here I see you.
- Coincidence perhaps.
Oh, excuse me!
Love is just a virus, made
in nature, for the purpose...
of reproduction.
If you ignore her,
you'll be all right.
He can't stop thinking of her...
not everyone's like you.
- Well, Batman has his Robin.
- Batman isn't gay.
What about your dad,
he could help you, couldn't he?
Are you serious?
His manuals are just for losers.
Whereas Marek here is Casanova.
Oh, Jesus, sorry!
You don't know him, he messes up
people's lives.
How, for example?
You'll either be a doctor or an
astrophysicist or an architect.
That can be handy sometimes.
You don't know what it's like
when your dad wants you to be a superkid??
对不起 你好
[Sorry, hello]
Why did he teach you Chinese
of all languages?
He heard it's the language
of the future.
And he wanted me to be
ready for everything.
Get cracking, touch the branch!
He simply thinks he is the
world's greatest guy.
And I was supposed to be even better.
Oh well, we'll try another time.
I love you, come, my little ones!
Ladies and gentlemen,
everyone in the world, each of you
is controlled by chemistry.
You feel you are angry,
you're afraid, you're in love.
This book, How to Get a Woman,
comes after several bestsellers.
It's based on the awareness of this.
It gives new and better methods
how to win anybody
your heart yearns for.
We should not forget the writer.
I'm very happy he's in my team.
If you want his autograph,
now is the time.
Thank you.
This way...
- There you are. - Thank you very much.
- A dedication?
N-no. D-do you think it'll w-work
on me as w-well?
Naturally.
I recommend Chapter 12.
Next please.
- Good afternoon.
- Want a dedication?
Well, I haven't come
for an autograph at all.
What did you say?
It's Marek, he's got big
problems with a girl.
Give him the book to read
and his problems will be over.
You know he won't do that.
He's angry with you.
How can I help him, when I hardly
know what he looks like?
How? He's your son and
he can't pick up a girl.
That's not a great
advertisement, is it?
Can you explain at least
the basic idea of derivation...
of the Thyserand criterion and its
application to the solar system?
This is your second attempt.
You haven't prepared, have you?
- I have but...
- But?
I can't seem to concentrate.
Well, I'm very sorry. Hopefully
you'll be in better shape later.
But I can't give you
any credit today.
Czechs versus Slovaks!
Hello!
Hello! Can we play
the planets game?
You bet.
Did you pass the exam?
Come on, Marek,
you have just one year left.
- You won't give up now, will you?
- I know.
- Leave him alone!
- OK, don't worry.
How can I be so useless?
I even can't make her acquaintance.
You're head over heels in love.
You need some help.
Somebody who knows the ropes.
I told you I don't want my dad's advice.
- In that case we have a problem.
- What?
- I've invited him for dinner.
- What? - Tonight.
- Where?
- To our place.
- Marie!
- What?
- There's nothing but weed and mess.
- Oh yes, the weed!
Everything out,
there must be no sign of any weed.
You should air the room first.
What are you doing,
what do you want to hoover now?
- Well, the flat's a mess.
- Really? I hadn't noticed.
We're cleaning up.
And don't smoke here!
Cleaning up? And what?
- What are you doing?
- Hiding it.
And what about the cassettes?
Stoners. Marijuana. Turn them around at least.
What an apartment!??
Everywhere.
- Erik, where are you?
- He's here.
Hey, Erik! Erik, get up! Get up,
my dad's coming in a moment.
- We have to hide him somewhere.
- Erik? Where, for God's sake?
What about the basement?
Pavel, what happened?
- No, no, they'll all die!
- Erik!
- What is he doing?
- What about the fuses in the corridor?
- In the corridor?
- Don't die, that's the main thing!
Bugger off, you silly bitch,
I'm with your sister anyway...
- I was good for you when...
- What do you think?
What are you looking at?
Watch out or you'll get hurt.
You want to kill them?
Erik, take them away.
He's coming, let's go.
Come on, move, dude!
Good afternoon.
- Good afternoon.
- Good afternoon.
Excuse me, where is
Marek Bergr's flat?
Over there.
Thank you.
Hi, dad.
Take some, we didn't have time
to do any shopping.
Marie will bring something.
- Do you want a drink?
- We've got only water.
- Why don't you live on campus?
- Does it matter where I live? - No!
- How can you study here?
- I have my own room.
Well, so you do.
Hey, dad, that's my business.
I send you money, so I can
have some say, no?
Now you're interested!
- None of your cheek!
- Here we are.
I'm very glad you have come.
We don't know what
to do with Marek.
Normally, I wouldn't bother,
I have no time for such things.
But when your friend here told me
I thought it might make a good book.
- What?
- Yes, I even have a title for it:
Seduction Techniques
for Hopeless Cases.
Do you have to embarrass me?
I don't expect you've read
any of the books I publish.
Look, I don't need your help.
I'll manage myself.
He's been trying
to do that for 3 months.
- Thanks, I'm not having anything.
- He just gazes at her in the library.
A classic hopeless case.
I've prepared a programme for you.
- But I don't need...
- A programme? Are you serious?
Yes.
How can you apply something so exact
as a programme to something...
as illogical as humans?
Have you ever heard
of chemistry, young man?
Marek's problems will be solved
within a month.
- Bullshit. - Want to bet?
- How much?
What are you talking about?
I have to agree first!
Marek, what have you got to lose?
She goes to the library every week.
Next week the stars will be
aligned better.
Yes.
Near the theatre.
OK, I'm coming.
Oh my.
Excuse me, miss, excuse me.
- Isn't this yours?
- Thank you. And the scarf?
Oh sorry.
I apologize, I'm...
Wait, wait, stop, please, stop!
- Hi.
- Hi.
- Shall we go?
- It's very kind of you to come.
- No problem at all.
- I'm really sorry,
- it must have fallen out.
- It doesn't matter.
- I'll buy you a new one.
- Hi. - Hi.
10 rules how to pick up a girl.
I've chosen the best parts from my books.
This technique guarantees
100% success.
Your books? You haven't
written a thing.
Do you know what a publisher does,
young man?
Do you think these scribblers
would be anything without me?
All the knowhow is here, get it?
How come you can't
get it printed in time?
- Nonsense.
- Why's it nonsense, for God's sake?
Women are affected by
different things, see?
- You'll fall for anything.
- And you're a jerk.
But everybody is different.
And when you have a system
with one unpredictable element...
you can never guarantee anything.
And there are loads of such elements.
That's chaos theory.
You've seen Jurassic Park, haven't you?
If I had built Jurassic Park,
nothing would have gone wrong.
Excuse me.
People always break up in the end
anyway, so what's the point?
Rule 1: the hunter should
know his prey.
At least don't call her prey.
Look, love is a game,
a cat-and-mouse game.
And to get a nice juicy mouse,
the cat has to know its ways.
I thought she'd look like a model.
I'll have to exaggerate a bit??
Are you more concerned
with your book or with me?
OK, she's attractive. Take note
of the details, body language.
She's no flirt, she's not
offering herself.
The girl doesn't need a man at all.
Our object is a 25-year girl
named Stefanie.
I'm impressed.
- A student at the Faculty of Arts.
- Majoring in French lit. - Excellent!
- What type is Stefanie?
- Quite a doll.
- Hair?
- Brown.
- Eyes?
- Two.
- Erik!
- What did I say?
- Height?
- 165 cm.
Style?
More like Laurel and Hardy??
I think she's lovely.
Mother Slovak, father French,
working at the French Embassy.
- Actually, he's the ambassador.
- What?
- Come and see.
- It's starting to look promising.
- What?
- Doesn't matter who she is.
She's a woman and the rules
work on women.
She had a boyfriend,
a Premier League footballer.
- While she was studying at Oxford.
- I see.
Don't worry, she must have
some weaker points.
- I'll help you.
- Thanks very much.
She's charitable to a fault,
she'd help anybody if she could.
That's for you.
- Are you OK?
- Jesus.
- What good is this?
- It may come in handy in due time.
But now the most important thing.
Is she single?
- Hi.
- Actually there's this guy.
What guy?
Filip. His parents are wealthy,
in the real estate business.
But he's just circling around her,
they're not going out, so it's OK.
Well, he's got no chance against
my rules anyway.
All right, what about Stefanie's
other hobbies?
- Oh my God, no.
- Well done.
The sport I hate
most in the whole world.
Didn't I tell you tennis could
come in useful one day?
It will be useful one day!
Come on, work at it!
Ow!
No chance, she's a superwoman.
Don't give up,
take it as baptism of fire.
Seducing is just knowhow,
and it's in here.
In this case it's more
like science fiction.
Get lost, will you?
Rule 2: she has to notice you.
She already has.
You weren't ready but
we are, and we have a plan.
You have to try again.
What will be wrong with my leg?
A sprained ankle.
Since she's so keen on charity...
she's sure to help you get on.
And while she's doing that,
tell her how it happened.
I've sprained my ankle
while playing tennis.
Really, I also play tennis.
Do you? Haven't we already met?
At the university, maybe.
Maybe. Where do you study,
at the Faculty of Arts?
No, I'm studying astrophysics.
But I love literature, French poetry.
- What do you say?
- Ingenious.
I've got a bad feeling about this.
Come on, it's a foolproof plan.
Your dad's simply incredible.
- I don't know, Mars...
- She's coming, off you go.
- Come on, get a move on!
- Take the crutches, you'll be fine.
- Can I help you?
- Great, thanks.
- Can I help you?
- No, thanks!
But we need a good deed
for the Scouts.
I said no!
Who asked you?
No, thank you, no,
let me go, no thanks!
No, I don't need a seat.
Let me go! Go away!
Excuse me.
- That's all right, sit down.
- No, it's all right.
- He put his hand in your bag!
- Who? Me?
- Where's my purse?
- I saw him!
- Are you following me?
- No.
Can you give me back my purse?
- I haven't... - Is he taking
something from my pockets too?
Give it back!
Stop thief! Police, there's
a thief...
- You're such an idiot!
- Me? It's Mars's fault!
- What are you talking about?
- In that alignment
something was bound to go wrong.
Next you'll be consulting a fortune-teller!
Who did you get this from?
Your Jurassic Park collapsed
sooner than I expected.
He has to improvise, not just listen
to what other people tell him!
- Like a bonehead.
- Who, me?
- The plan was stupid.
- You're beaten to it by a blind man!
All you do is order me about.
You've been here a few days
and it's the same old story.
Are you suggesting
it's all my fault?
- Who else's? - You think so?
- Absolutely.
- What do you want?
- Look, it's her.
It's her.
Guys, let's get out of here,
you do your best, go!
I'm very sorry, the boys were shouting
and I couldn't find my purse.
It was right at the bottom.
I've come to get you of jail.
I really feel embarrassed.
No, it's OK. I could have been
a thief or a crazy stalker.
I'll explain it to them and then
invite you for a coffee.
- Are you free now?
- Yes, well...
- Sorry...
- That's all right.
- Here you are.
- Thank you.
I see your leg's better.
- My leg?
- The one in plaster.
Yes, right, the plaster fell off.
And what had happened to you?
Playing top-level tennis for years
has to leave its mark??
- This is a real mess.
- Why? This is a stroke of luck.
This meeting shouldn't have happened.
He doesn't know the next step.
- Well, he'll manage somehow.
- You don't realize what's at stake.
The first meeting sets the tone,
whether she's interested or not.
If you mess it up,
there's no second chance.
Do you prefer forehand or backhand?
- We need an emotion bomb??
- An emotion bomb?
- Invalids, old people, kids.
- Why don't you call Marie?
- Marie?
- Yes.
- Marie has kids?
- Marie has lots of kids.
Call Marie, then!
Let's draw another planet,
the Moon.
If we've got the Earth
we have to have the Moon.
Yes?
Marek minus?? we're losing him.
Jesus, Erik, you're stoned again.
I need to detonate your children...
- What?
- I mean, a bomb with your kids.
- Oh, God.
- Erik, cool it.
It's me.
I don't like playing for one club,
so I keep switching.
- And I like clay best.
- Excuse me.
- Will you excuse me for a moment?
- Sure.
- What's the matter now?
- You're losing her.
I know that without you, why
drag me into the toilets to tell me?
- Rule 3: Impress her.
- There's no time for that now.
- Hello.
- Hello.
The ice breaks
at the first meeting, do you get me?
If I stay here any longer,
she'll just leave.
- Drop an emotion bomb.
- What?
Women don't just want a real and successful
man. He has to be sensitive, too.
- What are you talking about?
- I'm lying about tennis.
Excellent, keep lying, but
don't only speak about yourself.
Be interested in her.
Ask her questions, admire her.
Then we'll use children as a bomb.
What?
- I'm having a meeting.
- What kind of children?
- We've already called Marie...
- Excuse me.
You have to keep Stefanie here.
Meanwhile, think of what to do
with the kids.
What kind of thing, Dad?
My God, you're a dimwit.
What are you good at?
Stars, astrophysics, poetry.
It's now or never.
- Goodbye.
- Goodbye.
- Get going! - Excuse me?
- This is none of your business.
- Well, you took your time.
- Sorry, you know...
- I'll have to be going.
- Me too.
I have an astrophysics lecture today.
You study astrophysics?
That's great.
I've loved watching the stars
since I was little.
So have I. When you think
how huge the universe is...
and we are so tiny.
Exactly, but even so, just imagine
you're at the centre of it all.
With everything going around you.
- Wait a moment.
- Sorry.
That's astrology again.
Everyone can be the centre
of the universe.
That's the best thing about it.
You'll have to teach me some time.
- And what do you do?
- I'm studying literature.
I'm interested in lesser-known
19th century French poets.
- Such as Louis-Xavier Teja?
- You know him?
Are you kidding? Wait,
he wrote verses like...
Let me think: Nature compliant to
our supreme commands...
Nous connaîtrons alors le secret,
[Then we will know the secret,]
que l'étoile verte avec ses rayons localise les fleurs
[how the green star with its rays locate the flowers]
You know what I like best about France?
The way it smells.
I love lavender, and
the other thing I love about France...
你好 [Hello]
你好 [Hello]
对不起打扰了
[Sorry for disturbing]
[illegible chinese]
我的狗不见了
[My dog is lost]
[Imitation canine howling]
对不起 我不知道
[Sorry, i don't know]
你得给问询处打电话
[You must call the help desk]
- 再见 [Bye]
- 再见 [Bye]
You speak Chinese?
- I learnt it when I was little.
- I see.
Uncle Marek!
Hi.
Can you give me a piggy-back?
Yes. These are kids from
a nearby kindergarten.
Do you want to be the centre
of the universe for a while?
Here we have Mercury, Venus,
and Lucinka will be the Earth.
- And what have we got here, kids?
- The Sun!
Let's try it out the way we said.
Planets above your heads...
Ready?
3,2,1, go!
Let's go!
I hate to admit it,
but you're a genius.
- Ow, what's that for?
- You've got a girlfriend?
At least calm them down now
that you've got them all excited.
I have to go now, but we could
do this again.
Actually, it's my birthday tomorrow,
will you come to the party?
10 Kopernikova Street, and
bring whoever you want.
To Mark!
- Well? - It's delicious.
- It cost a fortune.
Kids, everything's fine but we
still have work to do.
Rule 4.
I personally call it
The Three Guards Rule.
We have only a man here
but we can use our imagination.
So far you've just been surveying
the landscape.
But this will have to change at
the second meeting.
It's time for attack.
To be successful you have to
outsmart the three guards:
Brain, heart, libido.
You mean her pussy?
Call it whatever you want
but that's where we start.
He's no good. Marie, come here,
let's try it for real.
- Me? OK.
- Come here, that's it.
Wait a moment, not you.
You're too good.
You're bound to succeed.
- All right, you take my place.
- Why Pavel?
- Me? - Yes, come on.
- OK.
Stand face to face.
Pay attention!
Use any opportunity to touch her.
Softly, as though accidentally.
And look into her eyes all the time.
That's the strongest aphrodisiac.
If you do it right, the first guard...
will be begging the second one
to open the gate.
Dad!
The heart is conquered,
thanks to the emotion bomb??
You just have to finish it off.
What do you see?
- Jesus, you look stupid.
- No, I, I just...
Quiet, concentrate.
I know it's on
the tip of your tongue.
I see eyes, they're brown...
I'm losing myself in them.
They're like a well, deep,
but not cold.
Lovely eyes.
I seem to have known
them forever.
Stop, stop, stop.
You shouldn't
overdo it so much.
You have to cool off so she
doesn't get too sure of herself.
Then she'll want you even more.
Good.
Hey, Erik, it won't stop.
I told you the gas pedal
tends to get stuck.
You have to step on it,
or we'll end up in that garden.
- Why are you stopping here?
- We'll go on foot. - Why?
- We can't turn up in this.
- Why not?
- Do you have to drink so much?
- I just tripped.
Look, we're trying to impress her.
We will, the Indian stuff still works.
Leave it for later.
- This is the place?
- She said 10 Kopernikova Street.
I'm not going there.
Wait, where are you going?
We've been invited, haven't we?
I'm going with him,
he needs support.
- What about the cake?
- What's wrong with it?
Perhaps we shouldn't really.
It's a laugh.
- Wait.
- What's the matter?
Can I help you?
Pavel!
We've come to see Stefanie,
we're invited to the party.
- What a party! And food!
- Hey, Erik, wait!
My dear, all the best,
good health and happiness.
Thank you.
- Hi, Marek.
- Hello.
Sorry, I forgot to tell
you about the dress code.
They let us in.
You look great.
- All the best.
- Wow, that's lovely.
One day I'll show you what
goes on up there.
Or I can tell you your destiny??
I'll be back in a minute. Wait here.
All the best.
Young man, who let you in?
Stefanie invited me
to her birthday party.
Our daughter.
Where do you know her from?
From the library, but we met earlier
in a bus, then at the police station.
It's a bit complicated.
Que dit-il?
[What did he say?]
But I'd better be going.
J'espère que cet homme ne vous dérange pas,
[I hope this person does'nt bother you]
je ne suis pas sur si il y a bon moment pour montrer ma connaissance du karaté
[I'm not sure if this is a good time to show my karate knowledge]
-Vous êtes très gentil. -J'espère que ça ira.
[-You are very kind. -I hope everything will be all right.]
Filip, could you get Stefanie,
the fireworks are about to start.
Is that young man here with you?
Have we met?
I'll roll a joint and we'll
get to know one another.
No.
Marek, this is a great guy!
How long have you known each other?
Stefanie!
Excuse me.
- This cake wasn't a good idea.
- What?
The Amadeus guy looked into the box
and took it away.
What if he's a cop?
I told you not to bring it,
you freak!
Sorry.
This is it?
- Can you help me?
- Of course.
- Thanks.
- I'd do anything for you.
Sorry, I didn't mean to interrupt.
I've brought you the telescope.
Wait, Marek.
We were thinking
what to do with your cake.
If my parents find it,
they'll kill me.
Could you take it away?
Hurry up, the fireworks are over.
Have you been upstairs?
- No. - No?
- No.
But I saw you coming down.
You know it's out of bounds?
I just took the telescope
for Stefanie into her room.
And where are you going
with the box?
Outside, to get some air.
May I see what's inside?
- Why?
- What do you mean?
You've been traipsing
around the house, carrying a box...
So it's logical that I want to know
what's inside.
Just some rubbish.
I've already called the police,
so don't cause trouble!
Sorry.
Stop!
Hey!
Have you read this?
Instead of picking up a girl
you cause an international incident.
What's with the phone,
what do you want to do?
Rule 5.
Absolutely fundamental.
After the first date
the key thing is...
not to be the first to call, even
if the meeting was a disaster.
- Leave me alone.
- There's a superman hanging around her.
And the two of them seem
to have something going on.
- Did they kiss?
- No.
I don't know, but they
were pretty close.
That doesn't mean a thing.
See what I told you.
Take the call!
Hi, Marek.
I was just going to call you,
Stefanie, I'm really very sorry.
Stop apologizing.
They've found it was just
a sponge cake.
So you won't be deported?
No, but my parents would like
to deport you.
Don't grunt, for God's sake!
Remember Filip?
The guy I introduced at the party.
Filip? Oh, that guy.
He's invited some people
to his quarry. It's in the countryside.
No city lights, you can see
meteorites with the naked eye.
- Yes, sure.
- Marek...
I thought, would you like
to join us?
We could try out your gift.
That would be great.
It's pretty basic there,
if you don't mind.
- I like that kind of wilderness.
- Wilderness?
Tell her you like the wilderness.
Say: I love the wilderness.
- I love the wilderness.
- I also like it rough??
If you have a rival, you have
to show you're better.
I know, you already said that.
Filip seems to be a strong rival
but what is his domain?
Parties, embassies, tennis,
simply city life.
But out in the countryside
you'll be the alpha male.
- Really?
- Sure.
Couldn't the alpha male
sleep out in the open?
Pack it in, once you get the knack,
you'll trounce him.
You have to get it down to under a minute.
We thought it better to buy lots of stuff.
- Ow.
- You could go to Alaska with this stuff.
Alaska? Where's that?
- Nothing grows there.
- The barbecue special.
- What the hell is that?
- Carp, what else? For barbecuing.
I don't want to underestimate you,
but you'll need a firelighter too.
Alpha male.
- Won't you change your mind?
- Mum, I'm a big girl. I'll be OK.
Good morning.
Wait, it takes a while
but once the engine starts, then...
No problem, the main thing
is to get there.
You can tell your friend that
his old wreck runs pretty well.
- You think so? Ruza.
- Ruza?
Ruza, that's what Erik calls it.
Thanks for letting me drive,
I love old cars.
My God.
- Did you say something?
- I said it's wonderful. - Yes, it is.
Filip!
- Hello.
- Hi.
You're alone? Where are the others?
Called it off at the last minute
because of the weather.
There'll be just the two us,
if you don't mind.
- There'll be three of us.
- Hi, I'm Marek.
Oh, you're the one with the cake.
Marek is an expert on stars,
he can teach us a lot.
- How was the journey?
- Great.
- You brought a tent as well?
- Yes.
It's nice. I've got one, too.
- Oh, it's big.
- It's for two.
I had a tent like that when I was six;
I pitched it in our garden.
This one's been through a lot.
Wow, you're good at that.
I'm no good at things like that.
If you fetch some firewood,
I'll put up your tent too.
Great.
- To make things quite clear...
- You're blocking the light.
I've invested into Stefanie
months of hard work...
and I prepared this weekend
to bring everything to fruition.
I see, very interesting.
Excuse me I've got to make a fireplace.
I've already made one.
I've got something.
Let me help you.
- It's a bit damp.
- That's OK, we'll manage.
It's beautiful here!
- Hey, what are you doing?
- I'll catch something for dinner.
He won't catch a thing.
Thank God I bought lots of food.
Come over here, let's all sit together.
Shouldn't we get inside the tent
now it's raining?
I don't mind, I love the rain.
We're in luck, dinner's on the way.
- So fast, how did you do it?
- I once took a survival course.
You have to factor in the refraction
of light on the surface.
And aim ahead of the fish.
Get some forks so we can cook it.
It looks old and dull.
You sure it wasn't dead
before you caught it?
Just shows you only shop
in supermarkets.
- You had time to gut it as well?
- Easy when you know how.
Go and fetch the forks,
I've never roasted carp.
You've brought a guitar, that's great.
I thought we were going to watch meteorites.
Meteors! Meteorites are meteors
that hit the Earth.
But today we'll watch Perseids.
They are dust particles
that burn up in the atmosphere.
And where in the universe
did the particles come from?
They are part of the tail
of a comet that lagged behind.
And now they are
trying to catch up with it.
That's really interesting.
How about having a game
before it gets dark?
- A game of what?
- Tennis.
Dad's friend has a cottage
nearby. With a tennis court.
That's great, Marek plays for
a tennis club.
- Does he?
- Yes, but...
That can wait.
Come on, Marek.
It's OK, I don't need to knock up.
At least you'll have head start.
Let's play a proper set
right away, shall we?
Sure.
Let's go, then?
I hope we beat him.
He always wins.
Sure, he's got no chance.
15- love.
- Serving to you.
- I know that.
- Can you stand?
- I don't know, it's the ankle again.
Perhaps you shouldn't have
strained it so much??
Should I call an ambulance?
No, it's all right,
it's not that bad.
Something's on fire.
Oh God!
Shit!
Looks like you'll be sleeping in the open.
But the carp's cooked to perfection.
Oh shit.
- Shit. I'm coming!
- Are you OK?
The water's freezing.
Pull me out, will you?
I can't manage myself.
What will you do now?
Jump in?
How will we get out afterwards?
Grab this, I'll pull you out.
We'll all end up down there.
Hold tight!
Hold on!
It's got caught!
What?
You're gonna break it, Einstein!
Free it, then... pretty boy!
Watch out, what are you doing?
Oh, shit!
You've come to save me?
I'd come to save you anytime,
day or night.
Look out!
And you weren't afraid
jumping down into the water?
With you I don't think twice,
you know that.
No, please no.
Over there, that's Andromeda.
It's beautiful!
That's the Great Bear,
Andromeda's on the other side.
Thank you.
Dad.
- Here you are, for you?
- Thanks.
- Are you ready to order?
- Not yet. One moment.
I'll have this.
Thanks for coming along
and ruining everything so nicely.
If I hadn't scored yesterday,
I'd give her the elbow.
I tried all the rules, and nothing.
And yesterday it was all impromptu,
and she swallowed it hook, line and sinker.
It'll be plain sailing from now on.
- You've got rules?
- Of course I've got rules.
And by the look of you,
you need some as well.
It will be your best
investment you ever make.
Really?
Buy some books so you know
what I'm talking about.
The tap sprays a bit.
You smell so nice.
I remember
this fragrance from my childhood.
I remember...
What is it?
I've fallen head over heels
in love with you.
But I cannot put up
with this any longer.
But how will you get home?
Rule 9.
In view of your plight, I'll skip
the kissing and love-making rules.
If you can't beat your rival,
you have to destroy him.
Our target must be discredited.
Marie, you'll be our bait.
You know what to do, don't you?
Sure, no problem. Guys like him
always want to have a good time.
- You've hooked it up?
- Yes, I have.
It's 2 October 2013 and I'm going
to play tennis, for the first time.
It's being recorded?
Hi, you're a really good player.
What's wrong with my serve?
- I really want you.
- So do I.
I wonder what's going on there?
Wait, I need some special foreplay.
- Foreplay? - Hmm.
- What kind of foreplay?
- Well...
- Now!
Time for my baby.
The Pearl of Malaysia.
Anyone not ready for Malaysia
is in for a big surprise.
Hello, tiger.
- You found this in his place?
- Yes, right in his computer.
My God, what's this?
An incredibly detailed database
of all his girlfriends.
Nice.
- This one, Sugar-pie.
- Sugar-pie? My God!
- Well I never...
- That's heavy.
This is better than your video!
And what about Stefanie?
Yes, wait, wait,
here we are, "final plan".
Dinner.
Chateau Mcely.
Chateau Mcely, well well.
It's obvious.
This is where he takes them for
their first... rumpy-pumpy.
It's his hunting ground.
- That's enough.
- What a bastard!
Calm down, we're going to do
this, aren't we?
Sure thing.
We've got the girls' e-mail addresses.
Quite enough for rule 9.
Monika. Hi, Monika.
- Hello.
- Hello.
- Filip, at last!
- Hi, how are you?
I've been waiting for you
here for ages.
That's great news.
Who is this?
I'll see you later,
I have a match and I'm late.
- What match?
- My niece, she's completely crazy.
Darling, have you finally realized
you were beastly to me?
Me, beastly? There must be some mistake.
I don't know her at all.
I knew you wouldn't forget
your Sugar-pie.
- Are you out of your mind, Sugar-pie?
- But I'm Sugar-pie!
- Anybody could say that.
- What does this mean?
Nothing, I don't know,
let's go.
At last, Filip.
What's this girl doing here?
Great, it's working.
Thanks.
- I don't envy him this.
- I think they're gonna kill him.
One betrayed woman is bad enough,
but when you have ten...
May I ask you for your attention.
I know what I'm going to say now
might sound strange...
Excuse me.
I know I've made
lots of mistakes in my life.
Where are you off to?
I'd like to apologize
from the bottom of my heart.
Believe me, there's a new man
standing in front of you.
And for that I have
one person to thank.
I've invited all the girls
who were important in my life,
to announce that from now on
there is only Stefanie for me.
What am I to do with you?
If you fail today, then you'll
have wasted four years of study.
Could you give me
a different question?
What does your astrology have
to say about your problem?
Sorry?
Well, draw it for me.
Go ahead, please.
Mercury's in the third house and
Venus is gaining influence.
Saturn is in Aquarius
which is my sign,
so everything should be OK, but...
That's enough. I see you have
no problems with your horoscope.
I've got this problem,
so I calculated it.
And did it help?
Look, you've been an excellent
student for 4 years.
I'll forget you were here today.
See you in two weeks.
Thank you very much.
Marek, I understand your passion
for astrology,
but you're studying physics,
so you should believe in yourself.
So long.
You're not going home?
You shouldn't keep her
waiting long.
Who?
Thank you.
Sorry. I'd have tidied up
if I knew you were coming.
Marek, come and sit here.
I want to talk to you.
I've thought a lot about it.
Hold on, will you?
Sorry. Hello.
It's complicated.
Suddenly you two
appear and what am I to do?
You told me you love me
and I care about you as well.
You're a good listener,
you're sincere, but so is Filip lately.
So I'm confused.
But if you were to repeat
what you had said last time...
that would definitely help me
come to a decision.
What I said in the restaurant?
Yes, something like that.
Sorry, I guess
I'm rushing things.
No, no, I just don't know...
OK, I'll give you a minute.
Can I go to the loo?
In the corridor, just round
the corner.
All right, then.
Stefanie, this was out of love,
I only didn't know how...
She should feel important, like you've
known each other a long time.
And like she was the only one
you could confide in.
Please wait, Stefanie.
- You're not taking my phone calls.
- I want to be left alone, Dad.
- You've been on your own, for ten days.
- Leave me alone.
- Shouldn't you be studying?
- I don't want to hear it, dad.
None of your advice or rules.
You've turned me into the biggest
scoundrel under the sun.
Excellent. Now the last rule, number 10.
When she chucks you for good,
don't collapse, you have to forget.
There are millions of other women out
there waiting for a nice boy...
like you to smile at them.
And this is what?
Another rule designed to control me?
Marek, please!
You want to control me, to have
me doing your bidding.
Just like Mum.
- But I won't do it, never.
- Marek, cut it out.
Your rules are useless
for me, just like you, Dady.
Marek, get up.
Oh, Christ, Pavel.
I was just dreaming I kept
throwing a ball. What a nightmare.
Look, I have a friend
in a maternity ward in hospital.
And Filip has knocked Stefanie up.
She's pregnant. Too late.
It can't be true, tell me it's not true.
Of course it's not true, but it could be,
if we don't move fast.
Look, we've been checking out
your pretty boy.
And he's currently dating
three other girls.
And he's got his eye on these ones.
He's a fast worker.
He's one big sex machine.
- And what about Stefanie?
- You remember Chateau Mcely?
He's taken her there today.
You should call your dad.
Shit, I told him all about it last night.
I've got to see him.
He'll forgive me for this.
I think he will.
Dad, yesterday I was drunk
and said things that
are no longer true. I'm sorry.
Let's forget about it.
You have a problem
and I can't let you suffer, can I?
Could I borrow your car?
Dad, I told you to leave
it to me.
What?
How far can I go on reserve?
Dad?
- Bon appetit.
- Thanks.
To us, then.
To your
lovely eyes, lips and hair.
So this is where you bring
your girls you want to charm them?
I always thought I had found
the right one, but then...
Since I met you I know that
it isn't enough just to think so.
You have to feel it. I'm really glad
I met you, Stefi.
Filip, I...
Don't worry, you take the bed
and I'll sleep on the couch.
I just wanted to spend an evening
with you, nothing more.
Filip, please!
No, Stefi, wait...
I'll just be a minute.
Stefanie, over here!
Filip, I think I'll go home.
How will you get home at this hour?
Wouldn't you like a massage?
Will you have some wine?
Here you are.
Shit, I've had enough of this.
What the hell is it now?
- You ordered dessert, sir.
- I'm sorry.
Poached pear in vanilla syrup.
Marek, what are you doing here?
I hope you haven't run
all the way from Prague.
Because it's pointless.
What do you two want from me?
Stefi, I understand you're nervous.
But I love you and you love me.
I've never felt such
harmony of two souls before.
I feel I've known you
from a previous life.
Stefi, please come back
to me.
Please.
Stefanie, I know I've messed it up
terribly and you'll never be mine.
I still care for you, and this guy
who's on his knees here, well...
- Are you jealous?
- No.
Well, yes, but I don't want
anyone to hurt you.
But I won't be yours, Marek.
It's enough for me to know
that you're happy.
Fuck her, she screwed up
big time today.
That's a relief for me.
And you can forget about
getting her into bed as well.
I know. But that's not
what's important, is it?
You're crazy.
- I'm fine.
- I can see that.
I'm meant to give you this
from Lucinka from kindergarten.
Wow!
Your relationship is serious,
isn't it?
If only it were as simple
as it is with children.
You just have to play
with them a few times.
A lizard.
A kangaroo.
No, it's not a kangaroo. It's a dinosaur.
A nasty one. It's going
to eat you.
- Hi.
- Hello.
- Your dad told me where to find you.
- He never gives up.
Actually he wanted to take
all the blame for it.
I've been thinking about it.
I think that if you had
told me the truth straight away,
do you think I wouldn't want you?
But you didn't want me.
Ah, well.
You were really afraid
I'd get hurt?
Now I'm not happy. Because of you.
If you were to meet a new girl,
what would your horoscope say?
I've through with all of that.
I've got Mercury in the fourth house.
So if I wanted to start anything
today, well... Ow!
Come on, kids, let's go, shall we?
- I wouldn't do this if I were you.
- Why not?
Lucinka, come along.
- Leave him alone!
- Ouch.
- She loves me.
- That's her bad luck.
- Come here!
- I'm not going!
Marek, Marek!
Tada!
Dad, thank you.
Pleased to meet you.
Hey, dad, now it's your turn.
Go straight to rule 8.
- Hi.
- No!
- Hello.
- This place is taken.
You're free...
Born to be wild!
Born to be wild!