10 Attitudes (2001) - full transcript

-Dating in LA is so
difficult because first you

have to pry open
the closet door.

And then you have to
find the guy who's

cowering under his
ball gowns and tiaras.

And then you have to coax
him out of the closet

so he'll go some place with
you, unless of course he

stays in the closet and
you stay in there with him.

And you have a fine
time, but eventually you

hate yourself in the morning.

It's not an easy bird.

MAN (OFFSCREEN): Camera's going.



Everybody's set.

Get ready.

You're into it.

OK, having a good time.

Yes and action.

-Carlos, honey, I'm
just totally short.

Yeah, I need two
more cases of Merlot

and six more cases of Perrier.

Can you help me out?

Oh, fabulous.

Great.

Thank you so much.

Claire, tell him you love him.

-I love you.



Bye.

-Thank you, sweetie.

-Uh, Phillipe.

-What?

-Can you make a fat free quiche?

-You must be kidding.

A fat free quiche,
it's impossible.

What about a tofu quiche?

I could do a quiche lorraine.

I could do a vegetable quiche.

I could do spinach quiche.

But a fat free
quiche, impossible.

No, no.

Yeah, sure.

I got one.

There you go.

I'll take out the cream.

I'll take out the butter.

I'll take out the bacon.

And I'll serve you the crust.

What about that?

You all good with that?

[GROWLS]

-I'm so worried about
this Delta Burke thing.

-Look, she's a
person just like us.

And those actresses there--
they never eat anyway.

-But it's her
Golden Globe party.

-You go in my office.

You put on your suit.

And I'll take care--

-Oh, my god.

I forgot my suit.

I-- I'll just go home.

I'll be back in two seconds.

-Hey, what's cooking,
good looking?

-Oh, hey honey.

What are you doing here?

-Oh, I just came by to say hi.

-Well, come on over here.

-All right.

-Be nice to him.

-Hey.

-Hey, honey.

-How are you?

-Aw.

What are you doing here?

-I brought you some flowers.

-Aw, how sweet.

Well, what's this about?

-Well, it's congratulations
on the party tonight.

And I'm sorry that
I won't be there.

-Why?

-Because I have to
go to Palm Springs.

-What about the Delta
Burke thing tonight?

-I know.
I know.

I wanted to be there, but I
have to meet Sharon and Ozzy out

in Palm Springs.

And they're going to be there.

We have to go over
a bunch of stuff.

So this is the only
time I can see them.

Lyle, you are looking
so beige these days.

-Thanks.

And you're still single, right?

-Stop it.

Please, please.

Or else I'll have to
get you a fighting ring.

Stop, stop.

-Exactly.
-All right.

Don't forget to get me
that headset for my cell

phone so I don't
get a brain tumor.

-Well, that's why I took out
that million dollar policy,

remember?

-Thank you, Sharon Stone.

-I know.

All right.

All right.

You have a great party.

-Call me from the road.

-I will, and I'll see
you in a couple days.

-Love you.

-Yeah.

Love you.

-Flowers.

-Well, maybe those flowers
will keep you warm tonight.

-I bet you have the best
job in the world, don't you?

All those big meetings,
all those stars.

-Yeah, it's good.

I mean, you know,
I make good money.

I like it.

-The Gap sucks.

Run around all day.

Yes, ma'am.

No, ma'am.

You look wonderful, ma'am.

And her little kids are
running around lawless,

knocking over khakis.

And when they leave, who
has to fold those khakis?

Um, me.

-Todd, please.

-No, retail sucks.

-Well, listen, if you
weren't working retail,

you would have never met me.

Remember when I came
in to get those shorts.

You gotta look at the
brighter side of things.

-Well, I guess that's true.

-Todd, you're 19 years old, OK?

You gotta crawl before you
walk, walk before you run.

And the next thing
you know, you're

gonna have some nice
things of your own.

Just be patient.

-I know.

I just-- I just feel like I've
been crawling for 19 years.

You know, sweetie, I've
kind of been thinking.

Maybe there's a, uh, teeny
tiny little corner office,

maybe even a booth
with my name on it

in that big building of yours?

Can't you find just a little
space for little old me?

-Yeah, well, maybe it is time to
take those training wheels off

of you.

But not in my office.

-Lyle?

-Oh, my-- Hi, honey.

Um, I just came by the house.

I had to pick up some stuff
before I, uh, went off to Palm

-Ow!

-What the hell is going on here?

-Oh, wow.

This must be awkward.

-Who-- What is this?

-Honey, listen.

-Who the fuck are you?

-Oh, hi.

I'm Todd.

-Oh, hi, Todd.

How are you?

I'm Josh.

That's my husband
you're blowing.

-Um, honey, listen.

This isn't the way it looks.

See, I was giving him a ride.

And then we were
talking, and then things

just started happening and--

-Happening?

Just a little happening, huh?

A happening is Barbra
Streisand in Central Park.

This is shit.

How could you do this to me?

You know, everybody
told me about this.

Everybody told me.

Brandon told me.

Claire told me.

You are just such a fuck.

That's it.

[HORN HONKING]

-Wow.

Is he doing the whole
mid-life crisis thing?

[TIRES SCREECHING]

[CRASH]

-My life is over!

-I am so busted.

-Wait.

We're still going to
Palm Springs, right?

-When he was little, he used
to make little tea parties.

And he used to have his brother
and his sister sit there.

He just loved preparing things.

He was always in
the kitchen with me.

Josh was just
absolutely the best.

And he deserves someone
good and not like Kyle.

Lyle.

He's not for anybody, really.

He certainly isn't for my son.

My son's too good.

I know.

Mother talking.

What can I say?

-Fuck him.

That's it.

It's over.

It's over.

[HORN HONKING]

Would you just get
out of the way?

Jesus Christ.

Fuck him.

Fuck his friend.

Fuck his suit.

Fuck the lawyer industry.

Well, what am I, a crazy person?

How could this happen?

10 years, flushed,
bullet to death.

I am going to get
Johnny Cochran,

and he's going to get you
for every fucking cent

that you have.

Drive this car up his ass!

Let me in!

Fucking piece of shit.

Oh, fuck that.

If Leslie's not home, I'm
going to shoot someone.

And it'll fucking be Roy.

-I can't believe you went
with Sage for the caterers.

God.

I mean, you love everything.

You love that chocolate
dessert he makes.

God.

-I think we should, um,
start a phase out, you know?

-A phase out of what?

Eating delicious food?

Just because I'm pregnant
doesn't mean I can't-- have

to give up some of Josh's
delicious little Mexican--

I love those things.

I think Josh would be
great as a godfather.

I've been thinking about it.

And, you know, he's really
wonderful with kids.

He really was great to
me when I was a kid.

He just loves kids.

So I'd like to make
him a godfather.

I'd like to make Kate--

[DOOR BELL RINGS]

Is someone coming over?

-It's a magazine subscription.

-OK.

Could you continue to--

[DOORBELL RINGS]

-Mm-hmm, mm-hmm.

-Coming.

[DOORBELL RINGS]

Josh.

I thought you had
a catering job?

Well, what about the
Delta Burke event?

Josh?

-Roy.

-Hey, Josh, could you--

-I am so crazy right now.

[PHONE RINGING]

-This is Roy.

Um, yes.

I signed a clause.

-I am so insane right now.

-Tell me what's going on.

-I--

-What?

-Lyle's cheating on me.

-Oh, honey.

-Yeah.

Lyle's cheating on me.

I caught him with a guy
at least 10 years younger

than I am having sex.

-I'm sorry.

-Do you know what
they were doing?

-Yes, I know what
they were doing.

-I don't even know what to do.

I don't know what to do.

I'm nuts!

I'm just nuts.

I'm nuts.

-Well, did you talk to Lyle?

-He's cheating on me.

What am I going to say to him?

What is this?

-Oh, honey.

We didn't know that Lyle
was cheating on you.

-He's-- he's-- everybody
said this to me.

I'm an-- I'm an idiot.

I'm the last to know.

I feel like-- you have
nothing with fat here.

There's not one calorie
in this entire--

I am so-- I see everything now.

I see everything.

You think this is just once?

This is not once, Leslie.

This is-- this is-- I feel it.

I know it.

Everything-- it's
like it just hit me.

I feel like I'm in-- in some
sort of TV movie, you know?

I'm the housewife.

And I didn't know,
and everybody else

knew everything
that was going on.

You know?

I just-- it really--
I-- I-- I just--

I just have to keep my head
clear because, you know,

we have a house together.

-Maybe it's for the best.

-You know what I'm going to do?

I'm going to take all of
his clothes in the backyard

and set them on fire.

Is that wrong?

That's what I want to do.

And then-- and then I'm
going to make him watch.

And I'm going to tie
him to a chair naked.

-I would help you.

[CHUCKLES]

-It's just I can't believe
this is happening to me.

I mean, happening to
you, I can understand

with your crazy husband.

Yes, tell me good news.

I have no life right now.

I'm a single person in
the middle of nowhere.

I'm floating in the sea.

I'm a fish in a pond.

-I'm pregnant.

-You're pregnant?

Whose child is it?

I'm kidding.

-I'm sorry about Lyle.

No, no.

-He's a pig.

He's a pig.

-So you're waiting.

How long has this pregnant
thing been going on?

And you have to eat something.

-You know, we'll
give him a shower.

-I'll do the shower.

Don't worry.

It'll be my present.

-Supports you.

And I just want you to
[INAUDIBLE] faithful to you.

-She does, and she
said that to me too.

I hate him, but his
butt is so cute.

[DANCE MUSIC]

-This is a crazy town
with crazy people.

I just wanna go
home to Cleveland.

-Oh, god.

You are always complaining.

-I'm not complaining.

All right.

I am.

I'm a Jew, and
that's my people do.

-Oh, Jesus.

[LAUGHS]

What do you really want?

I don't think you'll--
you'll be happy with anyone.

-Who's your Mister Right?

-That guy, the bartender.

-I'm straight.

-A straight guy in a gay
bar who's a bartender.

It's my favorite thing.

-Forget about the bartender.

What-- who do you really want?

-Oh, I want a guy who's
sweet, smart, and sexy

and is out to his
family and has a job

and puts three Equals in
his coffee in the morning.

Yeah.

-You know what?

I'm going to-- I'm going to
find you your Mister Equal.

-How are you going to do that?

-I'm going to set you up.

I'm going to set
you up on 10 dates.

When was the last time you
were on 10 dates, Mister?

-I think it was the '70s.

Mary Tyler Moore was
still on television.

How can I go out on 10 dates?

-I can find you 10
guys to go out with.

You know what?

In fact, I'm going
to bet you that I

can find you a guy in
10 dates, Mister Equal.

-Right.

And what happens if I don't
find a guy after 10 dates?

-Then you can-- you can go home.

-Hmm.

-Brandon.

-Hi.

-Hi, honey.

Oh, you shut up.

Oh, hi.

Are you the one that
just got dumped?

[LAUGHS]

Andrew, make me happy, honey.

Please stop giving him alcohol.

-Mm-hmm.

Make it grow.

What?

[WHISPERING]

Ugh.

You look like you're doing
pretty well though because, you

know, if it were me--
where's my drink?

I'd be cracking the guy
over the head with a bat

till he was dead.

But you know, that's me.

I'm a little volatile.

Andrew, make me happy, honey.

-Sorry that you just got dumped.

I don't know what
the guy was thinking

-Really?

It happens.

-I'm Alec.

-Josh.

-Hi, Josh.

So how old are you, anyway?

-I'm old enough.

How old are you?

-Um, 30 something.

[LAUGHS]

-Oh, my god.

Sorry.

-Are you seeing anybody?

-I'm seeing you right now.

-Really?

-Yeah, really.

-So you're unattached.

-Yeah.

I'm, uh, unattached.

You know what?

I think you're cute.

-No

-Yes, I do.

I think you're absolutely cute.

I like the goatee.

I like the-- I like
the whole thing.

I like older men.

That's what my psychic said.

She said--

-Oh, no.

[LAUGHS]

Your psychic told
you in a past life?

Oh, my god.

Kenny Kingston, hello.

Oh, you know, I met Kenny
Kingston at the white party.

He was so loaded.

He was sucking off--

-Kenny Kingston?

-Yeah, he you with
that I'm Merv Griffin.

-Oh, no.

-Oh, yeah.

Or was that me?

-I'm sure it was you.

-Well, I don't know who it was.

I just know it wasn't me.

I don't do older,
wrinkled-- no offense.

-Oh, my god.

He is so mean to you.

-But the fetus does.

I am sure.

Will you turn around?

I know I've had you.

It was the red party.

-I think I would
remember if I had you.

-Not if you were face down.

Come on, remember?

I was seven in line.

You had a pacifier
in your mouth.

ALEC (OFFSCREEN):
You are so not cute.

-You were screaming.

Daddy!

And I was like, shut up.

Don't you remember?

Could you say Mildred?

Just go, Mildred!

Because that was you.

-Why don't you stick a
glow stick up your ass?

-Now you're flirting.

Oh, my god.

[CHUCKLES]

[DISCO MUSIC]

-Hey, baby.

E-ing?

Do you have any more?

-Yeah, I do.

I do.

So you're going to go
to the black party?

-Oh, Christ.

Another fucking party.

Hello?

Give me another color.

[LAUGHING]

-[SPEAKING_SPANISH]

-Oh, my god.

-Who is this?

-This is a-- this
is a delivery boy.

He think that I
ordered a burrito.

-Burrito?

[SPEAKING SPANISH]

-Is that your husband?

Because you said you
weren't attached.

-This isn't my husband.

This is-- this is my boyfriend.

My husband doesn't
like to go out.

Good meeting you, sweetheart.

-Husband?

Husband?

-Nobody else.

That's you.

That's you.

-This is what I have to
look forward to dating?

-Aw.

-Does this-- does this
count as one date?

Because if it's not--

-Yes, it does.

JOSH (OFFSCREEN): This
stuff is too wild.

-No, no no, no.

It's not too wild.

You know, I know it looks
wild when it's on the rack.

But when it's on,
it sort of takes

a different life of its own.

-I have to start dating again.

-I know.

I know.

That's why--

-How am I going to do this?

-You're here.

You can do it.

You can do it.

-I'm old I'm not as cute as I--

-This is not a bad jacket.

You can keep the jacket.

But you kind of have
to lose the sweater.

I mean, that's kind of very '84.

-Really?

-Not younger.

Yeah, no, no.

I mean, you're too
young for this.

I mean, how old are you now?

-I'm how old?

We're discussing age?

-How old are you?

-This is not kind.

This is not kind.

-OK, you don't have to tell me.

-I'm so unhappy right now.

-But lose the sweater.

-But you actually--
wait a second.

You're actually asking
me my age on the day

that my boyfriend
broke up with me?

-Well--

-He's old.

-Travis, honey, could you,
like, paint a car or something?

Take this off.

Take this off.

I'm going to get
another shirt for you.

-In front of him?

-It's fine.

Let me find something, OK?

Do you have straight legs,
square legs, or belled legs?

JOSH (OFFSCREEN): Oh,
honey, I don't know.

You decide.

-Time's up.

-Oh, yes, sir.

-A little bigger than 34.

Spread them.

-Yes.

Oh.

So, um, how long have
you been working here?

-Shut up.

-OK.

Um, you don't want me to talk?

-Hey, look, do you have $200?

-Yeah, I have $200.

Why do you-- are you--
are you in trouble?

-Do you have $200?

Do you want to
work something out?

-Oh.

[PHONE RINGING]

Gay for pay.

I'm sort of new.

I just started
dating, and I don't

know if I'm at the point
where I need to pay yet.

-Yeah.

OK.

Travis!

-But if I do need
to pay, you will

be the one that I will call.

-Confusion.

Can I see you down front?

-I just can't tell you how
much I appreciate your, uh--

-Uh-huh.

-Little offer.

TRAVIS (OFFSCREEN): What
do you want, numb nuts?

-Is everything all right?

It's line one.

And when you're
finished, could you

think about doing some work?

OK.

Don't get upset.

32s, 33s, and 34s.

Only because they're European.

-Travis, Motion and Lotion.

Cream or Vaseline?

Metallic or fur?

-And Travis is a
little gay for pay boy.

He just asked me to pay
$200 to have sex with him.

-Oh, that.

Oh, that.

He turns tricks all the time.

It's part of the business.

Anyway--

-All right.

I'm flying.

-Listen, I come
from a small town.

I-- I'm not used
to this kind of--

-We'll work it out.

Get in there and do this.

We don't have all day.

Jesus.

Travis!

Take me to the Roxy.

JOSH (OFFSCREEN): Macho
Latin for masculine white.

Cowboy in the valley.

That seems like a fun person.

[HUMMING]

-All right.

Let's do it.

Oh, my god.

He looks like a serial killer.

He looks like something
from "The Sopranos."

Honey, get some sleep.

You don't look good.

Do you think we could go to
Barbra Streisand's website

later?

-Jesus, Johnny.

There's more to
life and being gay

than Barbra Streisand
and show tunes.

-Wait a second.

What?

This is a woman.

We're on the woman page.

Open, open, open.

He seems desperate.

That seems perfect for me.

Oh, honey, he's 12.

The guy's 12 years old.

-He's like, hey, how's
it going? (DEEP VOICE)

Wanna go on a date with me?

-(DEEP VOICE) Yeah.

Hey, bump.

Bump, man.

-Oh, put him on the maybe list.

Top looking for bottom.

A little too specific.

-Oh, my god.

-He's either Truman
Capote or Lee Strasberg.

I can't tell.

Oh, I pushed the wrong button.

That's 65 or older.

I'm sorry.

Watch this.

He's gone.

Ooh.

-Ugh.

Oh.

-I think he's sort of cute.

-Oh, my god.

In like a Sancho Panza type.

-Looking but not lost.

Looking for that one.

Unclaimed treasure.

That sounds nice.

Look at him.

He looks like this. [HIGH
PITCHED] Hi, how are you?

It's a little too Dukakis.

Not that I'm judging.

-I liked Dukakis.

Did you like Dukakis?

-Yeah, I did.

I just-- I liked-- I
liked Olivia Dukakis.

You know, if you
lose this bet, you're

going to have to take care of
my entire business with Claire.

You know that?

-I told you that's
not a problem.

I'm going to school
just for that.

I'm going to school for my MBA.

I'm going to double
your profits.

-Really?

-I'm a smart man.

-Maybe I should quit right now.

-You probably should.

And by the way, I'm not
going to lose the bet.

-Oh, yes you are.

-Nice Italian guy.

Nice--

-Ooh, Italian guy.

-OK, let's look at Italian guys.

-Look at him.

-Are Jews Italian?

Matzoh balls, spaghetti.

Oh.

Nice Italian guy.

-Looks good.

-Well, let's email him, I guess.

-All right.

-I am a recently widowed--

-Oh, my god.

-Oh, no.

I didn't kill him.

Can't say that.

I'm a recently single guy.

[MAKES PSYCHO SOUND]

Shut up.

Coming out of a 10
year relationship

and looking to get my feet wet.

-I don't--

-OK.

Should I push Send?

-Sent it, baby.

Sent it.

-Here goes the 10 dates.

Date number one.

-One.

Uno.

-Go.

-You know, I like video
games and stuff, you know?

I like to play video
games and stuff.

And sometimes, you know,
I get a little crazy

and have to get online and
jack off to porn all day.

It's like-- but you know, I
like to talk to people too.

Sometimes you gotta
be careful, man,

when you're on the computer
because you can meet, like,

crazy people, whacked
out, crazy people.

You know what I'm saying?

-I'm just a caterer.

-Oh, cool.

-I'm just a caterer.

-Yeah.

-Where did you come from?

-Oh, I came from-- I
came from, uh, back East.

Yeah, I came from
Brooklyn, New York.

JOSH (OFFSCREEN): What
do you do for fun?

I like to, uh-- yeah,
I like to go to bars.

I like to drink a lot.

I like to party, you know?

I like to--
JOSH (OFFSCREEN): Party?

-Yeah.

JOSH (OFFSCREEN): You
mean circuit parties?

-Yeah, like, you know, I like
to-- no, I like to-- you know,

I like to get on a
trampoline and jump and down.

Do you know what I'm saying?

I love doing that
stuff, you know?

I love it.

You know, I mean, I'm
a fucking legend, man.

You know what I'm saying?

-You mean like Lauren Bacall?

-I'm not like
Lauren Bacall, man.

I'm coming from fucking,
like, out there.

I mean, I don't even--
like there, right there.

That's where I'm
coming from, man.

JOSH (OFFSCREEN): Oh.

-You know? 'Cause that's
where I'm gonna be.

I'm gonna be up there.

You know, I'm coming
from up there,

but I'm gonna be up there.

You know what I mean?

-I know exactly what you mean.

-Woo.

Man, I-- I gotta go pee.

I'll be right back.

JOSH (OFFSCREEN):
I'll be right here.

-OK, thank you.

Hey.

Hey, I'm sorry.

How you doing?

What's up?

-Oh, hi.

-Yeah, I was just up there.

You know what I mean?

Yeah, yeah.

I was just, uh, in the bathroom.

What's the matter?

ELECTRONIC VOICE: Goodbye.

-You know, it's getting late.

-It is.

What time is it?

I have to pick up my grandmother
because she's in her 90s

for a very important,
um, doctor's appointment

at a specialist that only
sees people at a certain hour

because they're spiritual
and it's holistic.

You're into that.

You know all-- because
you're up there.

You know all that stuff.

Thank you.

Keep the change.

Thank you.

OK.

It was really nice to meet you.

-Nice to meet you.

Yeah, yeah.

-My grandmother-- she's old.

-OK.

-She has a walker.

-Yeah, tell her I said hi.

JOSH (OFFSCREEN): I will.

-All right.

JOSH (OFFSCREEN):
Now you take care.

-Take it easy.

See you later.

JOSH (OFFSCREEN):
Good to meet you.

-Good to meet you too.

JOSH (OFFSCREEN):
I just-- I just

felt like-- I didn't
think you were really

interested, that you were
just, you know-- I don't know.

This whole dating thing has been
a little bit of a nightmare.

-Yeah.

Well, I mean, this isn't
really a date date date.

I mean, we're just hanging out.

Right?

Because I don't want--
if Blink-182 found out

that I was dating
other people, that

would hurt my chances of
ever being able to date them.

So let's not say date.

Let's just say hang
out and buddy, buddy.

-Blink what?

-Blink-182, the band
that I'm in love with.

This is my favorite
because his name is Mark,

and he's the best player, 27.

Not gay, so there's like
a, you know, speed bump.

But I can work all that out.

Lead singer and guitarist,
very good looking man.

I'm equally as smitten with him.

The drummer has
too many tattoos,

but I would blow him to meet
the guitarist, you know?

Oh, here's a ticket.

Um, it's not one of their shows.

But it's-- they played
here at this place.

-This is special.

-Man, I do like-- and
don't let this get out.

But like, uh, Marky Mark.

Do you remember?

He sang.

Marky Mark and the Funky Bunch.

-Marky Mark and the Funky Bunch?

-Do you remember?

He had hits out.

Now he's acting.

-Right.
Mark Wahlberg.

-If he ever-- I
don't go anywhere

without this, because if he
ever performs again, see,

I got a laminated
backstage pass.

-Oh.

-So like let's say
we're eating right now,

and a tour bus zooms
by, and we follow it--

you follow those
sometimes, don't you?

JOSH (OFFSCREEN): Tour buses?

-Yes.

JOSH (OFFSCREEN): Yeah.

-You get in your car,
and you follow them.

And if it happened to
be Mark Wahlberg's,

and it was Marky Mark, I--
I could go in and meet him.

-Right.

-So I don't leave the
house without that.

That's always.

That's-- that's just
smart, you know?

-I think so.

-Um, this kid's name is Justin.

And I-- hmm.

If-- if Blink-182-- oh,
don't cover up Blink-182.

If Blink-182 wasn't,
uh, available, then--

-Justin?

What does he do?

-Um, he's a singer.

-But people say that
these guys-- you know,

that I-- I-- you
know, that's how

I date unattainable men just
because-- I don't think they're

unattainable.

-So you feel that
the therapy group

was for everybody else who
was really, like, nuts there.

BRYCE (OFFSCREEN): They
were out of their mind.

Were you not there?

-Yeah, no.

I agree with you.

And I-- I agree 100% with you.

BRYCE (OFFSCREEN): I mean, they
were cuckoo for Cocoa Puffs.

Uh, I mean, where--
I'm from Texas.

We settle our problems.

You know, you just
grow up normal

and get on with your life.

I started with 'N Sync.

I mean, you don't just
jump into Blink-182, honey.

I mean, that's--

JOSH (OFFSCREEN): Oh, I wouldn't
want to jump into Blink-182--

-You can't.

JOSH (OFFSCREEN): If I haven't
done the 'N Sync thing.

-You start with 'N
Sync, 98 Degrees.

JOSH (OFFSCREEN): Or even go
on from the Backstreet Boys.

-98 degrees.

Um--

JOSH (OFFSCREEN): There's
a group called 98 Degrees?

-Uh-huh.

JOSH (OFFSCREEN): I
just thought it was hot.

-They are hot though, man.

I tell you what.

They're-- they're-- you know.

But anyway, I want
you to have this

because this is
how I got started.

And who knows?

Two years from now, you
could be sitting here

with-- you know, I don't what
band you're going to pick.

It could be, you know, like, uh,
Third Eye Blind and something

and--

-You know, because I'm
going to take it home

because this--
they're really cute.

And I'd I'm going to think about
this and memorize all of it.

BRYCE (OFFSCREEN): -OK.

-And then we will
talk another time.

-This cover needs to
be reworked completely.

I-- I don't even
know what I can do.

-Thanks so much.

-OK.

Don't-- don't do that.

-Oh, I'm sorry.

I'll keep it straight.

-'Cause I mean, if
you don't want it--

-No, no.

This is special.

-All right.

I want you to have it.

-I appreciate it.

-Stuff like that changed
my life early on.

-Oh, I'm changed right
now just holding it.

-OK.
All right.

-I don't know what
I was thinking.

-Well, let's get
together and, uh--

and do this again
because I could--

this is not a good day to
just have three magazines.

-Oh.

-I usually get five,
six of magazines.

-Oh, well, we'll do that.

-OK.

-Gotta go.

-OK.

Yes.

-What was your assistant's name?

-She's my partner.
-Your partner.

-Claire.

-Claire, yeah.

She's a nice lady.

-Oh, she's the best.

I've known her 20 years.

-I was talking to her a
little bit at the party.

-Your eyes are so blue.

-Thank you.

Yours are pretty blue yourself.

Do you remember my girlfriend?

Uh, she was there at the party
when we were there that night.

-Girlfriend?

-The blonde girl.

-Girlfriend meaning girlfriend
in-- as opposed to--

-She-- I don't know who-- I
think I introduced you guys.

She was hanging out, but
I was all over the place.

Everyone was talking
to me that night.

You know how it is
at the wrap parties.

Yeah.

She's, uh-- she's
kind of my girlfriend.

I've been seeing her
for a few months.

When you met her-- her
name's Heather, by the way.

When you-- when you met her,
she was-- we had kind of just

started, like, seeing
each other already.

-Heather is your girlfriend?

-Yeah, she's-- she's--
she's my girlfriend.

-OK.

BILLY (OFFSCREEN): You don't
remember her, obviously.

-No.
No, I don't.

But that's OK.

-Does that seem to
upset you a little bit?

JOSH (OFFSCREEN): No, no, no.

I just-- I thought this
was a date sort of.

I thought you were
asking me out.

But I-- this is sort of awkward.

But I'll eat something.

Does that make you feel better?

-Why did you-- why did
you think this was a date?

-I don't know.

But it's my own fault.

Just forget I even said that.

-Did you-- did
you-- when we met,

did you-- did you
think that I was gay?

-You just sort of
kissed me on the cheek.

-That was-- probably,
I had been drinking.

And you were a nice guy.

We had a great conversation.

-You don't remember
what happened.

[LAUGHS]

-No, what happened?

-We-- I feel awkward now.

I don't know what to say.

But I certainly don't want--
we're working together.

But you grabbed me.

I mean, you grabbed me, and
you took me on the side.

And you kissed me on the
cheek and the French accent

thing a little.

I don't know what you said.

[LAUGHS]

-I was-- I was drunk.

I was half-- half kidding.

But I'm-- I'm-- I
know that you're gay.

And, uh-- and after
the conversation

we had-- one of her-- one of
her fantasies or something

that she really
wants to do is, uh--

she wanted-- she wanted me to
be with another man in front

of her.

I thought that-- I
know this is very--

this is-- this is weird too.

But I thought that
maybe you would

be-- I don't know
if you-- you swing

or if you were seeing
somebody or if you were--

that was something
you'd be interested in

or-- it would be a surprise.

It would be-- I would--
I would-- I would-- it

would be her and I. And I
would-- I would have you,

you know, locked in the
bathroom or something.

-Locked in the bathroom?

-Not locked.

But kind of hiding, you
know, in the closet.

-Hiding in the closet?

[LAUGHS]

-No pun intended.

-Been there, done that.

Billy.

-Maybe this wasn't a good idea.

-Billy, Billy, Billy.

-Believe me, this is
very awkward for me

to be even-- I mean, if I wasn't
so in love with this girl.

She's just-- she's the
sweetest girl, and-- and-- but

she has this picky side of her.

And she wants to try new things.

You know the masks they had
in-- the guy, the gimp in "Pulp

Fiction," you know, with
the two little eye holes.

You know, and I
thought that maybe you

could come out
with-- with that on.

And no one-- she wouldn't
know who you were.

And, you know, it would-- it
would be a one night thing,

and that would be it.

-This is never going to happen.

I'm really sorry.

-Yeah, I thought
maybe-- well, if you

don't like that
idea, then maybe what

about like a big-- like a
big ball gag or something?

-Ball gag?

Look, I-- I'm just
a regular gay guy.

I-- this is not for me.

-No, but mean, I-- I've
seen-- I've been in the shops

and have.
-I know.

I know you have, honey.

And it's-- it's
not gonna happen.

-You think maybe that
you could hook me up

with one of your friends?

-You know, he had problems
when he was growing up

because, you know, he couldn't
really express himself.

And the kids used to make
fun of him and things

like that in school.

But I really didn't know
until he was in his early 20s.

He was engaged, I think, when
he was about 20, 19 or 20.

And on his 22nd
or 23rd birthday--

I'm not sure-- I
took him to lunch,

and he told me he was gay.

-Josh.

-Can I help you?

-Yeah, you can help me.

I want your lunch money.

And if you don't
got lunch money,

I want your lunch
every day at school.

-Just leave me alone.

-Josh, give me
your fucking money,

or I'm going to tell those girls
right back there that you're

sweet boy, that you're
a little faggot.

So give me your damn money.

-Stop fucking looking at me.

I know what you're thinking.

You're undressing
me with your eyes.

Give me your money,
you fucking faggot.

-I'm not a homo.

Leave me alone, Jack.

-I'll tell the whole
fucking school.

You don't think I'll do it?

I see you don't--
here, have a sandwich.

-Thank you.

-See you tomorrow, Josh.

BOY (OFFSCREEN): What
was that all about?

-Oh, shit.

[BELL RINGING]

Well, Glenda, the
reason I'm here

is because I've been in
a 10 year relationship,

and he left me for younger guy.

And, you know,
I'm in my 30s now.

And I'm not perfect, and I'm not
beautiful, and I'm not young.

You know?

You know, I mean, I
just-- you know how it is.

It's hard.

Now I have to go out
into dating world.

I have to meet
people, and I have--

I don't know how to date.

I don't know what kind of bars
to go to or what kind of clubs

to go to.

You know?

Here-- here you are.

Here's 30s, 20s, 30s, 20s.

It's very subtle.

It's a change.

And all of a sudden,
I'm this person.

And I feel-- I just feel alone.

And I-- that's why I
brought my friend with me.

And I feel alone,
and I feel abandoned.

And I-- I just don't
know what to do.

-Well, god, OK.

[SIGHS]

It's just-- I know.

I know.

But it's just wrong.

It's wrong, Josh.

It's just wrong that,
you know-- because,

as women-- which I can
say that you are a woman.

I think it's fair.

JOSH (OFFSCREEN): Well,
I'm not really a woman.

-No, you're not.

But you could be.

And this is the whole thing.

Now you know how women
feel only because you

know we give them everything.

And then 10 years later,
they get the fetus.

They go look for the fetus.

And this happened to you.

And this is why we
are connecting now.

-Good.

It really hurts.

GLENDA (OFFSCREEN): I know.

I know.

I know it hurts.

Here.

Here.

Just-- just-- just come here.

Just come here.

It's not gonna
hurt that much now.

It's not gonna
hurt that much now.

OK, that's enough.

That's enough.

OK.

You're gonna feel better soon.

You're gonna feel better soon.

JOSH (OFFSCREEN):
Thank you, Glenda.

[MUSIC PLAYING]

-You're late.

-Oh, my god.

-So I was seeing this
guy Anthony, right?

Um, we worked at a
dot-com company together.

They sell sporting equipment
specializing in hockey.

I know, it's cute.

But anyways, I mean,
dating's dating.

It was fun.

But he doesn't
like Lenny Kravitz.

I mean, Lenny is my dude.

He's my man.

Sure, he lifts the
riff sometimes,

but he says that's a
problem in our relationship.

I mean, I'm not going
to give up Lenny.

-No, honey.

You know what I think?

It's only a problem
when they know

the lyrics to a
Sheryl Crow song.

OK?

Then he's out, you know?

No.

-All right.

-No Sheryl Crow.

Mm-mm.

No.

-So Leo, what's
going on with you?

-I'm doing all right.

There's this asshole
Johnny who just

moved into my corner,
Santa Monica and Vine.

He's OK looking, but
he's always strung out.

I'm gonna tell him
to get the fuck out.

He's killing my business.

OK, I've been in this
town for a long time.

I've made a lot of contacts.

And when someone tries to
take over my territory,

I just call my enforcer.

He'll cut off Johnny's
revenue source.

-But Leo, I think you're missing
the underlying issue here.

What about love?

-I've got more love than I
can handle and twice as much

on the weekend.

I made more money on Pride
weekend than Bill Gates.

-You must've been tired.

-You know, honey,
uh, I really think

that you're confusing
sex with love.

-What's the difference?

-Mm-hmm.

-Oh, hey, big spender.

-Hi, I'm Josh.

-Keith.

-Nice to meet you.

-Nice to meet you.

-I'm a caterer, so I'm--

-Oh, that explains
all the firm eggplant.

[CHUCKLES]

We should get together sometime.

-Get together?

-Yeah, yeah.

I've got my number here.

-Hey, what are you doing, huh?

-Oh.

Oh, nothing, nothing.

I was just-- he's a caterer.
We were talking about a party.

-I think we need to get going.

-Anyway, give me
a call, and we'll

talk about what we
were talking about.

That'll be good, you know?

Just a call.

-Whose kid is this?

-Oh, yeah, yeah.

This is just a kid we adopted.

But that's-- don't
worry about it.

Call me.

-A kid you adopted?

-Excuse us.

-Please, let me know.

-Sorry.

-You didn't get the
rest of the vegetables.

-Oh, Josh.

Thank you.

I'm too fat.

-Take one.

-No, no.

-Oh, gosh.

-Look at these.

-Would you like one?

-Thank you.

-Would you like one?

-Well, thank you.

-Look at this.

Ooh, look at this.

Look, look, look.

-Kate, you have
such great taste.

-You have to see these.

-Oh.

-OK, everyone put your--

-Yeah.

-Three.

One, two.

Wait.

-Hold on.

-It's not working.

-One-- OK.

-Take it.

-The food was delicious, Josh.

-Yeah?

-Thank you.

-Thank you.

Let me do that.

This is your party.

-So how's the dating?

-Does the word
Titanic ring a bell?

Every guy I go out
with is a wacko,

and the ones that hit on me
are married with children.

-Aw, I'm sorry.

Don't give up.

I know you'll find
your Prince Charming.

I mean, look how long
it took me to find Roy.

-And your point is?

-Josh.

-Leslie, they, uh,
need you in there.

They're doing the, uh,
baby bingo challenge.

-Baby bingo.

I'm coming.

-She's coming.

-Oh.

-Josh, your desserts
were delicious.

-Oh, thanks.

-You know, I was wondering.

I'm having this
small get together

at my place on Thursday night.

Are you available?

-Yeah.

-Oh.

-I mean, I don't know.

Maybe.

Can I call you?

-Yeah, you can call me.

Here, take my card, OK?

I'll remind you soon.

-Did you really like
my creme brulee?

-Honey, I can take a bath
in your creme brulee.

-Great.

So I'm so-- I'm so glad
we finally got to meet.

-Me too.

Are you, uh-- do you
live with someone?

Are you married or--

-Um, how do you-- how
do you define married?

With the ring and everything.

Because I have the ring, but
it doesn't mean-- you know,

it's heterosexual values.

So it's-- it's--

-Oh, you're a heterosexual?

-No, no, no.

-Oh, it's heterosexual values?

-Yes.

When you say married, you
say heterosexual values.

You know, when a man is with--
with another man, doing,

you know, things--

-So do you live
with another man?

-Mm, yeah.

-Yes?

-Yeah.

-OK.

-He's my roommate.

-Roommate?

-Yes.

-Oh, you live with a roommate.

-Yes.

Well, you know, sometimes
it's late at night

and, you know, you have needs.

But, you know, he's my roommate.

-So it's a roommate that you
occasionally have sex with?

Charming.

-Well, what would you call sex?

-Well, two people
making love together.

-So, basically, uh, I'm
sort of a bit alone,

you know, between dates and--
Well, you're like-- you a bit

alone?

-Um, yeah, I guess so.

I just, uh-- I just
broke up with a guy

that I had been
with for 10 years.

So--

-Oh, my god.

You eat a lot of Equal.

You know Equal gives cancer?

-No, I didn't know that.

-Yeah, it's written on
some of the package.

Maybe it's the other one.

The pink one.

The pink one gives cancer.

It says on it.

-Oh, this is the blue.

-That's why, like, you know,
the-- the place where you go,

um-- you know, the-- the--
how do you call it in English?

Um, um, the sauna.

-Oh, the bathhouses.

-OK.

Yeah.

-I've never done that.

-Oh, you should go.

No, no.
It's OK.

Why don't you go
to the bathhouse?

You can tell me all about it.

Go.

Tell me everything.

I don't think I could do that.

I'm not a bathhouses person.

-Lots of places
here in Los Angeles.

Los Angeles is good for that
because there's a lot of sauna

around.

You go, and it's-- you
know, it's kind of fun.

You don't have to get their
phone number or-- or buy them

dinner.

So you actually save
money and you know.

-Here you go.

-Thank you.

-For the bill.

And, uh, I just can't thank
you enough for all the taxes.

-Sure.

Thank you very much.

-Thank you.

It was really nice.

It was a pleasure.

-You'll, uh, do my taxes.

-I'll take care of all that.

-Thank you.

-I just don't know what to say.

It's been-- it's been.

-Yeah.

Bye.

-We'll talk later.

I'll be honest with you.

I'm new to dating.

-Yeah?

-You know?

Uh--

-Ah, I got you already.

-I just--

-You must be one of those who
just got out of a relationship.

-I was with this guy
for around 10 years,

and he cheated on
me a lot with a lot

of young guys, younger
than you, you know?

-Bummer.

-Yeah, you know,
like, 19, 20, 21.

Annoying.

-I've been with two guys.

-Really?

-Yeah.

-Oh, god.

-It's kind of hard not to be.

Lots of beautiful over here.

I can't help it.

-I think I could help it.

I never cheated on him.

-Never?

-No.

-Absolutely never?

-Never.

Well, what's cheating?

I've flirted a little.

-Yeah.

-You know, but never kissed
or anything like that.

Yeah.

I think I'm a one-man guy.

-Good.

-Yeah.

I was very true.

-You're a good guy.

You're a rare breed
now, aren't you?

-I think there's gotta
be other people like me.

So tell me about your family.

I wanna check you
out before I decide

that there's gonna
be a second date.

-My family, huh?

-Yeah, you know.

-I don't talk about my family.

It's just, uh, something
I've learned not to discuss.

-OK.

-So, um, you're a caterer?

Is that what you said?

-Yeah.

-Oh, interesting.

-Yeah.

-A caterer.

-So why don't you talk
about your family?

-Let's just say when I was a
child, a couple of bad things

happened to me
when I was younger.

-You don't talk to
your parents at all?

-No.

I don't talk to my father.

Kind of like those baby
blue, kind of greenish,

kind of like the ocean.

Beautiful eyes.

-Oh, really?

Tell me more.

This is all working.

-Uh, you know, the
sideburns and the goatee.

-Uh-huh.

-Working the old 1979
YMCA kind of thing.

JOSH (OFFSCREEN): Who am I?

The Indian or the
construction worker?

-Oh, you're definitely
the construction worker.

-Oh, yeah?

Go ahead.

Hit me there.

I've been working out.

-Huh?

Huh?

-So what are you trying to say?

-Uh, you're a good
looking guy, you know?

-Oh, OK.

Great.

-That's all.

That's all.

I'm not trying to offend
you in any kind of way.

-I-- please, this is me.

I like you.

-Goddammit!

Excuse me.

Can I get a twist of
fucking lime in here please?

Fucking people in this world.

Jesus.

Fucking person.

-Wait a second.

-Lime Please.

Like now.

Hell no.

Oh, no you did not put a-- does
this look like a fucking lime?

Does this shit look like lime?

Lemon.

Read my lips.

Lemon.

-We're out of lime.

-Lemon.

I said lime.

I asked you for lime
like 20 minutes ago.

You keep on-- you keep on
giving me this fucking shit.

-We're out of lime.

-OK, calm down.

-Jesus.

-I think you've gone
a little too far.

-What?

-This date is over.

-No, this date isn't-- what do
you mean, this date is over?

-You were totally out of line.

-You don't think he was out
of-- he was [INAUDIBLE].

-This date is over!

Over.

This is enough.

-Well, fuck you and fuck you.

-Fuck you.

Oh.

I am so, so sorry.

-Can I get you another drink?

-I don't know.

Why don't you get me the bottle?

I just-- ugh.

So what are you
doing later tonight?

-I was decorating my aunt and
uncle's house a few weeks ago,

and Will Smith is our neighbor.

-Will Smith?

-Yeah.

He came over.

And we had on that--
that song that he does.

"The Men in Black."

Oh, fabulous.

But you know, I
just-- he's annoying.

We went over to Madonna's house
and had dinner over there.

JOSH (OFFSCREEN): Madonna?

-Madonna, yes.

JOSH (OFFSCREEN): Wow.

-And after that, we went
to this club with Madonna.

JOSH (OFFSCREEN): Really?

-When you go clubbing with
Madonna, it's fabulous.

JOSH (OFFSCREEN): Really?
-Yeah.

Almost as fabulous
when you go with me.

And did I tell you
about the Cameron Diaz?

JOSH (OFFSCREEN): No.

-She's my neighbor.

JOSH (OFFSCREEN): Cameron Diaz?

-Yeah.

So I live next door to her.

And she came over.

And, um, I guess we had
parked in front of her house.

But we were having a party.

I had cars everywhere.

You know, it's the beach,
and so all the houses

were pretty close together.

She came over at like
4:30 in the morning.

And hey, guys, can
you move your cars?

Fabulous.

JOSH (OFFSCREEN):
4:30 in the morning?

-Yeah.

So, um, she was already drunk,
so she had a beer with us.

JOSH (OFFSCREEN):
Oh, it's your call.

-Oh.

Hello?

Let me get you to call me
at the office tomorrow.

No, no, no.

It's a great set.

I can hook you up with
all kinds of [INAUDIBLE].

No, I don't think
we can do that.

But hey, you might be able
to get a featured part.

-Was that Cher?

-No, no.

I wish.

She called earlier though.

Oh, my god.

I was at the airport
the other day.

And this guy called and, you
know, started giving me shit.

And so I just tore
into him, you know.

And I'm walking to the airport.
-Who was it?

What celebrity?

-No, no, I'm not gonna
tell you that part.

JOSH (OFFSCREEN): Oh, come on.

-No, no, no.

JOSH (OFFSCREEN): Oh, please.

-No.

OK, It was Tom Cruise.

JOSH (OFFSCREEN): Oh, really?

-Yeah, yeah.

JOSH (OFFSCREEN): I have
a funny story about him.

-No, that's great.

Yeah, but let me tell you mine.

JOSH (OFFSCREEN): Oh, cool.

Please.

-Oh, yeah.

He chartered my airplane.

We have a corporate jet.

JOSH (OFFSCREEN): Of
course Corporate jet.

-He charted it, and I was
scheduled to go skiing.

And he delayed the flight.

Yeah, he kept the plane
wherever he was at.

Hour and a half,
I'm standing there.

And he shows up, opens
the door on the plane

to get out of the plane.

And this is a nice plane.

-Was the plane-- the plane
wasn't moving or anything?

-No, no, no.

That's on the ground.

And I'm standing there with
all my fucking luggage.

And he gets out, and he says,
oh, thank god you're here.

Load all my stuff in
my Mercedes over there.

Out of my airplane.

Now, we own the airplane,
and he's renting it.

And he gets out, and he tells
me to put it all in his car.

So I told Tom.

I said, you know what, honey?

You're standing on the mat
that has my name on it.

You're sitting in a plane that
has cups with my names on them.

You know, why don't you get
your shit out of my plane

and put mine on it?

He was with some other guy
that he went fishing with

or something for a weekend?

JOSH (OFFSCREEN): A guy
that he went fishing with?

-Yeah, but you know
how all that goes.

-No.

What, was the guy cute?

-No, no.

Not at all.

Not at all.

-And he went fishing?

-Yeah.

I don't why he'd go
fishing with Tom Cruise.

I don't get it.

-Honey, I would fish
with Tom Cruise.

-No.

But Arnold.

JOSH (OFFSCREEN):
Schwarzenegger?

-Arnold Schwarzenegger.

Oh, yeah.

He's great.

JOSH (OFFSCREEN): Did
you sleep with him?

-We-- no.

We'd ski with him.

JOSH (OFFSCREEN):
He's married to Maria,

who's one of the Kennedys.

-Right.

JOSH (OFFSCREEN): Did you
ever sleep with a Kennedy.

-No, no.

I would have liked to.

But they-- you know,
my chance is over now.

JOSH (OFFSCREEN): Oh, I
don't think he was gay.

-No, but I could
have converted him.

[BELL RINGING]

-The bet is off.

Everyone has an attitude.

They're all on, like, X and K
and Y and Z and this special K

and Pop Tarts and
Rice Krispie squares.

-Ooh, I love Pop Tarts.

-Stop it.

I will smack you right
here in front of everybody.

I don't even care.

-Would that help you?

-Yes.

Stop it.

-Come on, just a few more.

Let me--

-Oh, go, go, go, go.

-What?

-I got a great guy for you.

-Who?

-Oh, he's an ad executive.

Oh, do you know those,
uh-- the frog thing?

You know the Bud.
(FROG VOICE) Bud, Bud.

-Oh, yeah.

Those are cool.

-Yeah.

He didn't do those.

But he knows the guy who did.

-So what's he look like?

-Uh, Robert Redford.

-Yeah?

-Yeah.

-All right, all right.

A couple more.

But that's it.

-A couple, a few.

-A couple.

-Eight, nine, 10 more.

-I hate you.

-You better stop it.

-I'm gonna have the
chicken teriyaki.

I will have the--

-You get two sides.

-Oh, OK.

OK.

Um, the mashed potatoes
and the green beans.

-Great choice.

You're gonna love that.

-Barbecue chicken.

Same sides.

-OK.

You got it.

Can I get that menu?

-Oh, I'm sorry.

Sorry.

-3 o'clock.

-Dinner ready at 7:30.

-Don't ask, don't tell.

Military time.

3 o'clock.

Look behind you.

Look around.

Look behind you.

Don't be obvious.

Don't be occuous.

Look behind you.

-Oh, my god.

There must be
something at the door.

-There he is.

-Very cute.

But honey, there's
no way that I'm

going to actually talk to him.

-No, no, no, no.

There he is.

I'm telling you.

That's him.

-That's Mister Right?

-Let me tell you
something, baby.

-What, baby?

-If you drink, they will come.

-What are you talking about?

-It's true.

-You're crazy.

-30 seconds.

He's gonna get out of his chair.

He's gonna walk past our table.

Then you will then give him
a look kind of like this.

He'll go into the bathroom.

He'll come back out of the
bathroom in three minutes,

sit down right there.

And that is where you'll begin.

-How do you know all this?

What are you, Kreskin?

-God, he should be up by now.

10, nine, eight, seven, six.

-This is silly.

-Five, four, three, two, one.

-You're wasting your time.

-So you had the teriyaki?

-Can I ask you a question?

-Yeah.

-Do you ever have
those days where

you're just all
about being right?

-Yeah.

-All right.

I bow down to you.

You're perfect.

I'm just a terrible
complete idiot.

-We want more.

We want more.

-So what's he going to do now?

-I know this sounds
completely cheesy,

but I can't-- I was staring at
you over there and-- I'm Craig,

by the way.
-Hi, Craig.

I'm Josh.

-How are you, Josh?

-Hi, what's your name?

-Brandon.

-Brandon, I'm so sorry
to be staring at you.

But, um, I can't
help but think, do

you take Hans's Pilates
class, six o'clock crunch?

-Uh, no.

You do Pilates, don't you?

-Yeah.

-You don't do Pilates?

-No, I don't.

-So what do you do?

-I, uh-- I go to school.

-Oh, really?

Where do you go to school?

-UCLA.

MBA.

-MBA.

Nice.

-So what do you do?

-Yeah, I'm a director.

I want to be a director.

Right now I'm doing feng shui.

Do you know what feng shui is?

It's, uh-- it's sort
of harvesting the chi

energy of a specific
atmosphere, an environment,

and putting it kind of
in flow with, uh-- well,

with the rest of
everything else.

With spirits and-- this place
here is a complete clusterfuck.

There's not that clear
flow of-- of chi.

-Right.

-Do you work somewhere
else while you're,

um, going to school?

-Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I work over at Mickey's.

-You work at Mickey's?

-Yeah.

-God, I'm there like
three nights a week.

I've never seen you there.

When do you work?

During the week or--

-Yeah?

Oh, don't we all?

That's so funny.

-Listen, some
friends and I-- we're

gonna get together and go to
the Firehouse to go dance.

A good friend of mine--
he's a DJ from London.

You know, he's like very
kind of trance music.

You know, there's
this whole thing.

It's gonna be fun.

And my friend Tommy always
brings a couple little party

bowls, if you're into
that or anything.

So, uh, well, I'll
be over there.

I'll be at the bar at 10:00.

And if you want to show
up, um, that'd be great.

-Sure.

-Yeah?

-Yeah.
-All right.

Cool.

Listen, um, I'll meet you over
there at the bar at 10:00.

Yeah?

Hey, it was so good meeting you.

-Oh, yeah.

Great meeting you.

-You take care.

-OK.

-That was one of the
most degrading things

that I've ever had
in my entire life.

-I'm sorry.

But he was really cute.

-Mm-hmm.

He was actually adorable.

He looked like a
soap opera star.

-Oh, you're doing so well.

You're almost cured.

Please come back, OK?

Bye bye.

Goodbye.

-Bye.

Good night.

-Josh.

-Yeah?

-Uh, what are you doing
for lunch tomorrow?

-I will be eating food.

-I want to know if you
want to have lunch with me.

-Why?

-I want to get to know you more.

-Wait, wait, wait.

Are you asking me out on a date?

-Yeah.

I'm asking you out on a date.

-Yeah, sure.

We could have lunch.

-OK.
-Yeah.

I eat.

You eat.

We could do it together.

It would be a fun thing.

-Let me come get you tomorrow.

-You want to call me now?

-No, no.

I just wanna put it in my phone.

-I don't really want
to be in that phone,

because if we break
up, it's really

hard to get me out of it.

And it's got all sorts
of little things in it.

And you can only
put three numbers in

and then-- I know, then an email
comes through to attach it.

And they don't let you.

And they only give
you three things.

And it becomes very Nazi-ish.

-OK, OK, OK.

Uh--

-So why don't I just,
um, give you my card?

And, uh, here.

OK.

Yeah.

That's me.

And that's my work number.

And there's my
cell number there.

And I also can be
faxed, and I can

be emailed because Claire's
on email all the time.

So I'm very easy to, uh

-Oh.

-And then I have
a cell phone too.

-I'll call you.

-OK.

-Bye.

-You'll call me?

OK, call me.

Because that's how we have
lunch is when you call.

-I like your smile.

-OK.

I was just shocked you
wanted to go out with me.

-I don't know.

I guess it's just
been a while for me.

-What's been a while?

-Just really liking someone.

It's just it's
been kind of hard.

It's just avoiding,
that whole wall

of avoiding intimacy,
really caring about someone.

It's just hard.

-Let it off your chest.

Get it out.

-It's been-- it's been hard.

-Why?

What?

-I've-- I've been--
my life, my family.

You were talking
about being together,

you know, with your family.

And that was just
like one thing for me

that I couldn't relate to.

I can't be happy
about my family.

Things haven't been good.

I'm-- my parents
have been separated.

My dad, you know.

He-- he's an alcoholic.

You know, I was abused.

Ever since I was
14 on the street,

helping support my
dad and his addiction.

Just me and my brother,
my little kid brother.

He was 12.

I-- I made sure he'd never
do anything I wouldn't do.

I made sure I-- I was the man.

I was the guy who took
care of everything.

I took care of my dad.

I took care of my
little brother.

I took care of
everything and everybody.

And now, it's-- now I'm--
it's a little different now.

-What you gotta do
is you gotta start

creating a new
life for yourself.

You know?

That's what I have to do too.

I mean, Lyle left
me just like that.

Lyle cheated on me for years.

And I knew it.

In the back of my
brain, I knew it.

You know?

Now you're gonna make me cry.

-Thanks.

-Thank you.

-What are you doing
later tonight?

-Um, nothing.

I was gonna go to maybe
a movie or something.

-Do you wanna--

-You wanna go to a movie or
maybe get some dinner or--

-Do you want to stay the night?

-I don't think we
should do that yet.

I mean, don't you
think we should

get to know each other a
little better, you know,

before-- I mean, I want to.

Sure, yeah, I mean, I'd like to.

But I just-- I think
I should know you

and you should know me.

I don't want, you know,
it to be like that.

-I'm sorry.

-No, no.

Don't be sorry.

I have a four date rule.

You know?

And I-- I'm sorry.

-A four date rule?

-Yeah.

Three dates seems so common,
and I want a four date rule.

I wanted to be a
little different.

-You can't give up in life
and throw your hands up.

I mean, it's just
words of wisdom.

Find somebody who really
does appreciate him

because he's a
great human being.

You know, life is strange.

Relationships between
a man and a woman

are not much different
from relationships

between a man and another man.

In life, you want
to be loved, and you

want to give love in return.

And if you can find
somebody that's sincere

and trustworthy and not a
womanizer or, in my son's case,

a man-izer, I guess
you'd call it.

Or whatever.

You know.

He needs to go onto
bigger and better things.

That's all.

-This is so cool.

Thank you.

-You showed up.

-And you clean up.

-Oh, because I had
my little goatee?

Well, I shave it.

I have it.

I'm, you know-- my mother and
my sister away in Chinatown.

-You sound nervous.

-Oh, me?
I'm not nervous.

Here.

We'll order in a second.

-You're nervous.

-I'm very nervous.

-I think that I'm going to
do something really stupid

and ruin all of this.

I feel like I'm with Ken.

-That's really-- Ken?

-Ken and Barbie.

-Oh, thank you.

That was nice.

-But you're Ken with
a penis, I'm hoping.

-Did you date women
before yourself?

Or were you with a girl
when you were younger?

-Everybody dated girls.

-I mean, I had-- when
I was in high school,

I had a girlfriend.

But I always knew
I was, you know--

-You always knew.

The whole thing about
growing up and just

being a little too fond
of "The Hardy Boys."

You know what I mean?

That was the first thing for me.

That's sort of when
I got ingrained.

-"The Hardy Boys?"

Really?

-Yeah.

Oh, no doubt.

Parker Stevenson, woo.

-My mom always had a thing.

I was on a diet
before I could walk.

-January what?

-What's the exact date?

-No.

Yeah.

-January 13.

-Well, what is that as a sign?

-Oh, Capricorn.

-What are Capricorns?

Besides beautiful.

-I'm not making
you nervous, am I?

-No, you're making me so happy.

-Really?

-Capricorns are, uh, smart
and perfectly ordinary.

-What are Cancers?

-Um, it's a disease
that you don't want.

-That's what I am.

-No, then it's
something that I want.

I want that.

What are Cancers?

I don't know.

I don't know anything
about the signs.

I'm sure we're not
allowed to know.

-Oh, you're ridden with guilt.

If you stop-- if you move from
the napkin to the bottle again,

you're really going to--

-Oh, OK.

-I'm going to make
you promise here.

-The lettuce is on par.

-I'll feed this to iguana.

I have an iguana.

Do you like iguanas?

-You have an iguana
in your house?

Honey, you can have anything
you want in the house.

I don't care.

-You don't mind large reptiles?

-No, I want a large reptile.

[MUSIC PLAYING]

-Josh, I feel your aura
is just popping out.

What's happening?

-Well, Glenda, I feel like,
uh, the mirror has two faces.

I finally found someone.

-I knew there would be a show
tune before we left today.

-I met this guy, and he's
smart, and he's sexy.

And he's got a job and a car,
and he doesn't live in it.

He's, uh-- he's fabulous.

And I do not use
the f-word lightly.

This group has really
done a lot to me.

And I just want to say
in front of everybody--

because a lot of you know
that I had dated Leo.

And Leo, it's not you.

And I-- I'm really sorry.

You're a great kid, but you've
got all this stuff going on.

You're bisexual.

And you-- and you want
people to pay your way

and take you places.

And it made me feel like-- even
though I know that I was not

one of your customers, you made
me feel that way all the time.

-It doesn't bother me.

Really.

I'm fine.

-So you're all getting better.

You're just-- it's-- you're
all-- you have to get better.

I'm tired.

I'm just--

-We're OK?

-Yeah.

-Aw.

GLENDA (OFFSCREEN):
Oh, look at all of us.

Look at this love.

OK.

I think that's enough.

-Oh, Glenda, we
owe it all to you.

-I know.

-For the good witch.

-Thank you.

Thank you.

WOMAN (OFFSCREEN):
Do you know what

I did with that
big bag of jewelry?

-Which big bag of jewelry?

WOMAN (OFFSCREEN): Nevermind.

I've got it.

I've got to do this
thing tomorrow.

-What are you doing?

-Faye Dunaway.

She's doing that movie.

ROY (OFFSCREEN): You're
doing Faye Dunaway?

-Huh?

NICK (OFFSCREEN): You're
doing Faye Dunaway?

-I'm not doing Faye Dunaway.

I know all you men.

That's what you want.

Two women.

Ugh.

The dream fantasy.

No, I'm doing that movie.

-The costumes for her new
movie, "Bonnie and Clyde."

She's back.

She's a hooker.

So who is this client?

-Um, you-- uh, it's, uh--

WOMAN (OFFSCREEN): Wow.

You don't really know, huh?

-The new project
we're working on.

It's actually not my account.

It's Jimmy's.

So let Jimmy go out with him.

Jimmy's going to go out.

But it's probably a good
idea if I go as well.

What are you all over me for?

I'm making money.

Come on.

WOMAN (OFFSCREEN): I'm
making more money than you.

What do you need?

-I need to wear a shirt.

-You look good.

-Here, why don't you get out of
the closet, and I'll find it?

-You sure you know
what I'm looking for?

-You want-- what do you want?

A blue shirt, I'll bet.

-A blue shirt.

-OK.

Is that fine?

-There's so many
fucking clothes.

Yeah.

-Well, that's why we
have such a big closet.

What would go with this?

Don't you wanna
stay home with me?

-How about a shovel of dirt?

-Why don't you call them and--
can't you-- can't you get out

of it?

Why can't Jimmy do it?

-Jimmy's doing it.

I already told you
Jimmy's doing it.

It'll be probably like midnight.

That's all.

Excuse me.

-Good evening, sir.

Party of one?

-No, no.

Two.

Uh, I'm on a date.

He'll be here on any minute.

-OK.

Can I start you with
something to drink?

Perhaps a glass
of wine, iced tea?

-Um, OK.

Wine.

-Wine.

Which one would you like?

-Um, Merlot.

-A glass of Merlot?

-Yeah, of course.

WOMAN (OFFSCREEN): Oh, no.

What about this thing?

You think this is too trashy?

Or is it classy trashy?

-No.

-Is it?

Is it like a trashy classy?

-It's-- it fits with
the rest of the stuff.

-Yeah.

-Hey, Josh.

How you doing?

Hey, listen, I'm really sorry.

I know that our relationship
is based on trust.

And you know how much
that means to me.

So I am giving you a call.

I got totally hung
up at the ad agency.

And I got stuck with
a last minute client

from in town I
have to be showing.

And that's the reason I gotta
run over to the Standard,

have a nice meal, go to
Skyy, have a few drinks.

And then they want
to see the sights.

-Keep talking.

Keep talking.

Fucking asshole.

-You can tell my
assistant is just

wound up and is raring to go.

-Assistant?

Now I'm your assistant?

-So I've gotta run, sweetheart.

-You want some coffee?

You want me to go
get you some coffee?

-I promise that I will make it--

-Do you want me to give
you some dictation?

-I promise you that date number
four is going to be amazing.

-Client?

What am I, a chopped meat?

-You're really special.

-Maybe I should, uh, take
your phone calls for you

if I'm your assistant.

Shouldn't I take your
phone calls for you?

I think I could have summed
that up in about three words.

-I'm so sorry.

-How sorry are you?

-You're really beautiful.

Your eyes are amazing.

-Keep talking.

It's getting better.

-How about if-- let me take
you to a little restaurant Le

Stella and, uh,
get a table for two

and kick everyone else
out of the restaurant.

We'll go out on the town.

You tell me where
you want to go.

And we'll spend an
obscene amount of money.

-That sounds
absolutely fabulous.

What are we waiting for?

-Let's go.

-Let's go.

[PHONE BEEPING]

[DANCE MUSIC]

-Jesus Christ!

Hey, you piece of shit.

Oh, my gosh.

What is it with me
and guys in Jaguars?

Ugh.

(SINGING) Papa, can you hear me?

Papa, can you see me?

Papa, could you help
me not be frightened?

[CAR HORN]

-Brandon.

So it's a long
drive to Cleveland.

-I don't know why you're
going to Cleveland, Josh.

But fine.

-The bet's over.

You lost.

I won.

-Don't hate me.

-I don't hate you.

-I love you.

Call me.

-I will.

JOSH (OFFSCREEN): Fax me.

-It's in the mail.

-Email me.

-Um, this is a long shot,
but is your name Josh?

-Yeah.

And your name is Jack.

-Jack Langford.

-Yeah.

I know it.

-We went to school together.

-Yes, we did.

What are you doing here?

-Um, I'm just
waiting for a train.

I'm going back to
Cleveland to see my mom.

-You too?

Me too.

I'm going back to see my mom.

-Oh, my god.

-Yeah.

I'll be there a while.

I don't know how long.

How long are you gonna be back?

-Uh, about a week and a half.

What are you doing here in LA?

-Well, I've lived in LA around
10 years, and I just, uh--

-Really?

-I broke up in a
relationship, and it's

been a pretty bad couple months.

So I'm going back to
Cleveland for a while

to see what happens.

-I mean, if some guy
breaks up with you

and hurts you here in LA,
going back to Cleveland

isn't going to make
you feel any better.

I almost did that.

-Did you break up with someone?

-My last boyfriend.

-Boyfriend?

JACK (OFFSCREEN): Yeah.

-You're gay?

JOSH (OFFSCREEN):
Oh, sweet revenge.

You caused me a lot of therapy.

I'll tell you that.

I hate to, uh, say that.

I'm sorry.

-No, I-- it's me who
should be apologizing.

Hey, look, can I
just say that I was

a 100% asshole when I was a kid.

And it may not mean
much, but if I could just

apologize for the shit that I
did to you when I was a kid.

I mean, I didn't know who I was.

I didn't know what I was doing.

And I was just a jerk.

-I've just waited my
whole life to hear this.

I don't know what to say.

I'm sorry.

-Here's your half caff
decaf with a twist.

Hey, big spender.

What can I get you?

-I will have a, uh, hot
tea with, uh, Earl Grey.

-Room for milk?

-No.

No cream.

ANNOUNCER (ON PA): Last
call for Cleveland.

-So you want to
take a train ride?

-Yeah.

-Have you ever been
on a train before?

-I have.

-Is it like "Murder on
the Orient Express?"

-Yeah, but I'm not going
to be Lauren Bacall.

-Speaking of Bacall,
do you remember

Mrs. Garrett's eighth
grade English class?

-The wicked witch of West Hall?

Who could forget her.

I had nightmares for years.

-Remember the time she
found her trunk filled up

with SpaghettiOs?

-Did you do that?

-I was lucky to graduate.

-Didn't you set the record
for the lowest grade point

average at Shaker Heights?

-Yeah.

But there was one class I aced.

-Which one?

-Detention.

You know, Josh, I
still feel so guilty.

What can I do to make it up?

-Um, do you have a
Neiman Marcus card?

[HORN HONKING]

[MUSIC PLAYING]

-Travis?

-You know about him.

-No, I don't know about him.

What are you talking about?

-He just asked me if I
wanna have sex with him.

-You first?

I've been working all this time.

He goes for you?

You goddamn son of a bitch.

-All right.

-I don't mean anything
personal by this,

but you're smoking crack.

-You're in menudo.

-I just feel like there's been a
little hostility in there room,

and maybe it
couldn't be as warm.

-How much warmer can I be?

-Oh, this is so
"Liza at the Palace."

-Who are you?

I'm--

[SINGING]

You're Liza.

I'm Lorna.

-Of course.

I forgot.

What was I thinking?

MAN (OFFSCREEN):
Alternative take.

[LAUGHING]

-You need to put some
fudge in the accounts.

-(WITH ACCENT) You need
fudge in the accounts.

JEAN-LUC (OFFSCREEN): Exactly.

[MUMBLING]

Exactly

-Fu-- fudge in the--
in the account?

Is that it?
JEAN-LUC (OFFSCREEN): Yeah.

-Oh, yeah.

OK, OK.

-You know, I could
make you do more sets.

Hey, my eyes are here.

MAN (OFFSCREEN): Sorry.

-Thank you.

MAN (OFFSCREEN): Sorry.

-That's what you want, a man
who will stay at your feet

and lick you.

All right.

WOMAN (OFFSCREEN): Where?

MAN (OFFSCREEN): Uh, cut.

-Oh, Liza, you always
get what you want first.

I hate you!

-Oh, god.

-I don't understand a
fucking thing you're--

JOSH (OFFSCREEN): Check.

-Talking about, actually.

-Oh.

-Who can turn the
world on with a smile?

-No.

-I'm very proud of him.

I really am.

BRANDON NARRATING:
Josh has three loves

in life-- food,
Streisand, and love.

This is Josh, my best friend.

This is me.

I'm Brandon.

I'm going for my MBA at UCLA.

In five years,
I'll own the stall.

-I just came by the
house before I, uh,

went out to Palm Springs.

-Ow!

-What the hell is going on here?

It's over.

It's over.

Would you just get
out of the way?

BRANDON NARRATING:
In West Hollywood,

bad news travels fast.

-Are you the one
that just got dumped?

BRANDON NARRATING: Josh had
it rough in high school.

Sometimes he still
has it rough today.

-This is a crazy town
with crazy people.

I just want to go
home to Cleveland.

I want a guy who's
sweet, sexy, smart.

BRANDON NARRATING: For a man who
was just blown out of a 10 year

relationship, Josh was in
surprisingly good spirits.

He was dumped, but
I was determined

to do something about it.

-I'm gonna bet you that I can
find you a guy in 10 dates.

-What happens if I don't
find a guy after 10 dates?

-You can go home.

BRANDON NARRATING: But we
had to get him ready first.

-You can keep the jacket.

But you kind of have
to lose the sweater.

I mean, that's kind of very '84.

BRANDON NARRATING: Josh wants
more than a one night stands.

He's looking for love.

But most of all, he just
wants to be appreciated.

-Oh, my god.

He looks like a serial killer.

He looks like somebody
from "The Sopranos."

-I'm coming from
fucking, like, out there.

I mean even like
there, right there.

That's where I'm
coming from, man.

-If Blink-182 found out that
I was dating other people,

that would hurt my chances of
ever being able to date them.

So-- and he's the
bass player, 27.

Um, not gay.

So there's like a,
you know, speed bump.

But I can work all that out.

-And I would-- I
would-- have you,

you know, locked in the
bathroom or something.

-Locked in the bathroom?

-Not locked, but kind of
hiding, you know, in the closet.

-Hiding in the closet?

[LAUGHING]

-No pun intended.

-Been there.

Done that.

-The date is over!

Over!

This is enough.

-You wanna call me now?

-No, no.

I just want to put
it in my phone.

-I don't really want
to be in that phone,

because if we break
up, it's really

hard to get me out of it.

And it's got all sorts
of little things in it.

And you can only put
three numbers in.

BRANDON NARRATING: Of
course, what's really funny

is how love sometimes turns up
where and when you least expect

it.

From "Will and Grace," and "My
Wife and Kids," Jason Stuart.

From "Married With
Children," David Faustino.

From "The Bold and the
Beautiful," Sean Kanan.

From "Too Close for
Comfort," Jim J Bullock.

From "Baywatch," Alexandra Paul.

Introducing Christopher
Cowan as Brandon

and the unique comedy
of Judy Tenuta.

-You know, because
as women-- which

I can say that you are a woman.

I think it's fair.

JOSH (OFFSCREEN): Well,
I'm not really a woman.

-No, you're not.

But you could be.

BRANDON NARRATING:
"10 Attitudes,"

is a fun, breezy,
and hilarious film.

-"10 Attitudes" began as an idea
that was discussed between two

friends over lunch.

And somewhere in
between, I guess,

the hamburger and the iced
tea, Jason Stuart said to me,

you know what, Michael?

It is so tough to be a
semi-attractive, 30 something

gay man in Los
Angeles, to find love.

Sex is easy, but love is hard.

-I kept telling him how
difficult it is to, you know,

fall in love and get married
and find the perfect guy.

-And I said, Jason, that's
an interesting concept.

And it might make a great film.

-So I said, Michael, let's, you
know, take my idea of dating

and sort of put this together.

And then we did.

And then what happened is the
film just totally evolved.

-And that night, I
went home, opened up

the PowerBook,
pounded out a story,

showed it to Jason
the next morning.

He and I worked on
it for a month or so.

And then we decided to
shoot the movie ourselves.

-And we started doing
this short film.

We're going to do a short
film, totally improvised.

It was going to be
called "Dating."

-We got a lot of great, great
talented friends and family who

acted in it, worked on
the crew, financed it.

-OK.

Let's start.

-This is really cool.

-Jason, go ahead.

MAN (OFFSCREEN):
Good night, Jason.

Jason, you don't
have to watch it.

ALEXANDRA (OFFSCREEN):
Are we gonna

do a behind the scenes
of-- what's this called?

-It's called "Dating."

-This is behind the
scenes of "Dating?"

MAN (OFFSCREEN): "Dating."
This is the making of "Dating."

-It became a very
creative process of-- we

never really knew where the film
was going, which was my idea.

I didn't want to know
where the film was going.

And of course Michael, being
the big producer guy, director,

wanted to know where
everything was going.

So between the two of us, we
met someplace in the middle.

-And then about a
year or two later,

we did the film
festival circuit.

And, uh, the rest is history.

The interesting thing
about this production

is that most of the
film is improvised.

I wrote the story
along with Jason.

And from scene to scene, I
would discuss backgrounds

of the other characters with
them, with the other actors.

Jason never knew from scene to
scene what was going to happen.

So his reactions
are totally real.

-One of our fantasies
or something

that she really wants
to do is, uh, she

wanted-- she wanted me to
be with another man in front

of her with her.

JASON (OFFSCREEN):
And little did

I know when we were doing this
film is Michael-- what Michael

would do-- he would
give each of us

different pieces of information
and not tell each other.

So I didn't know probably
most of the filming

that Chris's
character, Brandon, was

in love with my character, Josh.

-What I wanted to do with
the character of Josh

was to create kind of an
everyman character and someone

that everyone could relate
to, gay or straight,

male or female.

Someone who's lived
his life well,

who's been loyal to his
mate, but has been dumped on.

-I'm sorry.

-No, I-- it's me who
should be apologizing.

-That was the moment I fell
in love working with Michael

as the director because he
created an atmosphere that

was comfortable for me to do
my best work in that scene.

-I was a 100% asshole
when I was a kid,

and it may not mean
much, but if I could just

apologize for the shit that I
did to you when I was a kid.

I mean, I didn't know who I was.

I didn't know what I was
doing, and I was just a jerk.

[CHUCKLES]

-I've just-- I've
waited for this for--

MAN (OFFSCREEN): Go back.

It's OK.

And action.

-I've just waited my
whole life to hear this.

I don't know what to say.

I'm sorry.

Most of the time, as an actor,
you have to use substitutions,

and you have to find a way to
make the scene work from you

or relate to something
that happened in your life.

To me, it was so real
because for you guys at home

that actually sort of
happened to me in that way.

Um, I just really
wanted to hurt you.

And now I don't.

Um--

JACK (OFFSCREEN): Well,
you had every right to.

-I just-- I'm sorry.

JOSH (OFFSCREEN):
It's all right.

-I would say about 70% to 80%
of the film is improvised.

Now, if anyone can figure out
which scenes are scripted,

they should email me.

And they'll receive a
director's cut version

of the original "10 Attitudes."

OK?

Because I dare them to find
which scenes are scripted

and which scenes are improvised.

It's all kind of interwoven,
I hope, creatively.

Well, there's kind of
an obscure reference

to a 1972 film, French film,
called "And Now My Love,"

by Claude Lelouch.

In that film, the male
character spent the entire movie

trying to find a certain girl.

And there was a
symbol for when he

would know that this was
the right girl for him.

And somehow, he
got into his mind

that it would be a woman who
would put three cubes of sugar

in her coffee.

-And, um, Earl Grey
if you have it.

MICHAEL (OFFSCREEN): And
I use the same device

in "10 Attitudes."

I update it, and I make it
three Equals instead of sugar.

But it's the same idea,
and it works the same way.

We have a lot of great
actors in this film.

It's led by Jason Stuart,
who is a great guy.

He's also my co-producer
and co-writer.

And he really brings a
fantastic improvisational touch

to the table.

-Now, I know you didn't just
put fucking lemon in my drink.

-Calm down.

-Wait a minute.

I asked you for lime.

Does this look like
a fucking lime?

-Steven.

-Lemon, lime.

-It has some green on it.

Do you see some green on there?

-Yellow and fucking green.

Fuck.

Goddammit.

I keep telling you.

You don't fucking
listen to nobody.

-Steven.

MAN (OFFSCREEN):
You're out out of line.

-What?
-This date is over.

-No, this date isn't-- what do
you mean, this date is over?

-This is totally out of line.

-You don't think he was out
of-- he was at it first.

-The date is over!

Over!

This is enough.

-Well, fuck you and fuck you.

-Fuck you.

Oh.

I'm not happy now.

I'm so not happy now.

-I got to tell you,
David Faustino-- I've

never seen him funnier
than in this movie.

-And I just called him, and
I said, would you do this?

And he said, sure.

He just popped over
there and did it for me.

-If you don't like
that idea, then maybe

what about like a big-- a
big ball gag or something?

-Ball gag?

Look, I-- I'm just
a regular gay gun.

I'm-- this is not for me.

-But I-- I've seen--
I've been in the shops.

-I know.

I know you have, honey.

And it's-- it's
not gonna happen.

-You think maybe that
you could hook me up

with one of your friends?

-Scott Kennedy, um, who's
now got his own special

on Comedy Central.

-I don't go anywhere
without this,

because if he ever
performs again, see,

I've got a laminated
backstage pass.

So, like, let's say
we're eating right now,

and a tour bus zooms
by, and we follow it.

You follow those
sometimes, don't you?

JOSH (OFFSCREEN): Tour buses?

-Yes.

JOSH (OFFSCREEN): Yeah.

-You get in your car,
and you follow them.

And if it happened to be
Mark Wahlberg's, and it

was Marky Mark, I could
go in and meet him.

-Right.

-So I don't leave the
house without that.

That's always-- that's--
that's just smart.

You know?

-I think so.

-Judy Tenuta is a dream.

-Judy Tenuta.

Everybody knows her.

She's just the queen.

-Every time she's on screen,
people want to see more.

That's why we added
her to the outtakes.

She brilliant.

-And so how old are you?

MAN (OFFSCREEN): 21.

-Oh, please.

I don't want to hear
about your dad problems.

-I want to fuck each and
every one of you in here.

-All at once?

-Glenda, the good witch.

-Oh, thank you.

Oh, thank you.

Go away.

-We have Sean Kanan from
"The Bold and the Beautiful,"

and "General Hospital."

-I'm a director.

I want to be a director.

Right now, I'm doing feng shui.

Do you know what feng shui is?

BRANDON (OFFSCREEN): Yes.

-It's, uh-- it's kind
of harvest the chi

energy of a specific
atmosphere, an environment,

and putting it kind of
in flow with, uh, well,

the rest of everything,
with spirits.

This place here is a
complete clusterfuck.

-You know, and my best
pal Alexandra Paul,

who's been a movie star, who
did this movie for free--

-And she and Jason are
so terrific together.

They are best friends in real
life, and it shows on camera.

-You're such a food snob.

JOSH (OFFSCREEN): Miracle Whip?

-Miracle Whip.

-Look at me and
say Miracle Whip.

-Stop it.

-And I saw Skiffy peanut
butter in the other room.

I'm telling you right now.

-Skiffy?

-Yeah.

This is it.

Miracle Whip, Skiffy.

You're no longer my sister.

I'm telling you right now.

It's over.

It's over.

-Well, I didn't think
you were gonna come over.

[LAUGHS]

Would you like a sandwich
with tuna and Miracle Whip?

-No, I'd rather be dead.

-Jim J Bullock plays
a owner of a clothes

shop in West Hollywood.

-And Jim was driving
around West Hollywood.

And I saw him, I said, Jim.

Jason.

I need you to be in my movie.

He said, call me.

I'll do it.

That was it.

That's casting.

-Oh, no.

Travis?

-You know about him, right?

-No, I don't know about him.

What are you talking about?

-He just asked me if I
wanted to have sex with him.

-You first?

I've been working all this
time, and he goes for you?

You goddamn son of a bitch!

-All right.

-I'm sorry.

What were you saying?

-We had screenings at
the film festivals.

People would just die laughing
when they saw him on screen.

-OK.

Don't get upset.

32s, 33s, and 34s.

Only because they're European.

What size?

Medium?

-Yeah, medium.

-I'm being kind.

-Bitch.

-Just try this.

-Oh, I can't wear this.

-I know it looks horrible now.

It looks horrible now.

-You're crazy!

-But you have to get the
whole outfit together.

-Why would I like that?

-It's not going to work
with what you have on.

-I'm gonna look like Deee-Lite.

-OK.

If you feel that bad about
it, we won't go that far.

-I'm trying to get a guy, not
scare the shit out of somebody.

-So I think very, very
soon in the scene,

what I'll have you guys
do is-- is-- is she'll

come in with the mail.

And you go, oh, I
have to tell Carlos.

I have to tell Carlos something.

Let's go back to the kitchen.

And you guys get in there.

We'll track all the way.

And at least I see all of this.

This is great production value.

You guys have a nice
catering company.

-It's so messy.

-I'll straighten it out.

I'll have my staff straighten
it out to be more angled.

You're right.

-For my character.

-For your character.

Martin and I will
scout it, and we'll

find something that works,
you know, light-wise.

Ozzy and Cher?

Is that what you said?

WOMAN (OFFSCREEN): Sharon.

Sharon.
MAN (OFFSCREEN): Sharon.

-Oh, Sharon.

-His wife.

Yeah.

Oh, I guess.

I don't know.

I'm trying not to get sued.

But you're not going to
say I'm about to-- you

know, meeting Ozzy.

Probably Sharon and
the kids will be there.

It's a whole thing.

You know, we're going to meet,
you know, in Palm Springs.

And it's just, you know--
it's just the weekend

and I'll be back, you know.

Kiss, kiss, hug, hug.

Flowers, nice.

End of scene.

That's it.

-OK.

-OK.

-OK?

-And this will just-- if
anything, this will just be--

-Can you go back to
the second verse again?

The very first one
you did was great.

The second one,
I'm not sure about.

But that first one was-- yeah.

JOHN (OFFSCREEN): Yeah, just
do the inside and the hard.

OK, yeah.

-It was really nice.

-(SINGING) Away above
the rain where I can

see the reason for this pain.

-There's one high note
in the second verse

you sing that might
be really cool to have

a harmony a third above that.

-(SINGING) Inside my
heart and fell apart.

-Why don't you do that?

-The note is so much lower
than what it should be.

You know it's--
[SINGING] It's kind

of hard to find it sometimes.

So-- but it was really
a nice performance.

I mean, I think we're just
going to save it anyway.

-(SINGING) Cold, empty nights
and a million strangers' eyes.

Here in your arms, I'm
beginning to leave behind

all the loneliness I knew.

Here in the land of the
loving, I found you.

-When we were first
creating this whole project,

one of the things that
moved me and motivated

me was the killing of
Matthew Shepard and the fact

that at that same
time, there was a cover

article on "Newsweek," that
talked about gay conversion,

and that-- intimating that being
gay or bisexual was a disease.

And they were
looking for a cure.

And I thought that was so
destructive to young people

growing up, that message that
it was sending and encouraging,

you know, future tragedies
like Matthew Shepard.

So I wanted to do something that
would address young people who

were going through
crises of identity

and to show them that
there are many, you know,

wonderful people both in the
gay and bisexual community

that lead happy,
fulfilling lives.

And, uh, everyone searches
for love in their life.

And that's one of the
main motivations of life.

And this film shows that.

It just happens to be
about a man who's gay.

It could be about a
woman who's straight.

It could be about
anyone, really.

-That's supposed to be pick up
Martin, but we abbreviated it.

And it just says
pick Martin, which

doesn't mean to pick Martin.

It means pick up Martin.

MAN (OFFSCREEN): Oh, OK.

-Good.
OK.

And then we've got editing.

Then we're approving,
the poster, which we did.

-48 from concept, design to
execution and distribution.

Now we're recording
the voice over.

-Can I have you say Sean--

-Kanan.

-Kanan.
-Kane.

-Kane?

-Kanan.

-Starring, from "Will and
Grace," and "My Wife and Kids,"

Jason Stuart as [SPANISH].

[LAUGHING]

-Cut.

-Then we have to
pick up the DigiBeta.

Let me ask you a question.

Do you guys make digital copies
from a DigiBeta, you know,

instead of just a VHS?

Then we go back to editing.

Then after editing,
we have dinner.

Then we resume the
editing and complete it.

And then we celebrate.

-To fame, money, and attention.

-To cutting.

OK.

Now the wrap party.

-Who has the champagne, baby?

MAN (OFFSCREEN): I say we
skip to celebrating right now.

-Yeah.

Cut to the chase, baby.

Go right to the celebrating.

Hello?

We opened at the Philadelphia
Gay and Lesbian International

Film Festival, and we
were the first film

to sell out that
festival out of 85 films.

-And he says-- the guy
says, the film is sold out.

I said, please.

There must be something
wrong with the computer.

I can't believe you guys.

And I'm sitting here,
just being Mister Diva.

And I said, I can't believe--
I said, are you sure?

I mean, it-- it
couldn't be sold out.

Now people are going to call.

They're not going to be
able to get the tickets.

It's going to be
a whole failure.

I'm going to be sitting
there by myself.

And they said, no.

Jason, the film is sold out.

-So there were 650 people
in a theater that held 600.

All of us associated
with the film

gave up our seats happily, sat
on the floor of the theater.

The lights dimmed.

The movie started.

And then for the next 90
minutes, people laughed.

And then they cried.

-I was totally
shocked and floored.

-And that was the
most fulfilling

feeling I've ever
had as a filmmaker,

to know that something
that was just in my head

a couple years earlier now was
moving people in such a way.

And then we went to Barcelona.

-And I was gonna go.

I was at the airport.

It was July fourth, and they
had this terrible shooting.

And the whole airport
was shut down.

-All the stars.

-Yeah, it's good.

I mean, you know,
I make good money.

I like it.

-I hate him, but
his butt is so cute.

[LAUGHING]

Martin Lukey accepted the
award for Best Picture

on our behalf.,
not even knowing,

because it wasn't
in English, that we

were getting two awards.

He thought we were
only getting one.

[SPEAKING SPANISH]

-That was an amazing feeling
when they called me and said

that you won both Best Picture
and the Audience Award.

We also went to the Austin
Film Festival, Phoenix, Tampa.

And the film was selected
to tour New Zealand.

And then we had a
screening in Los Angeles.

And distributors came, and there
was a very, very terrific guy

named Michael Scholl, who
also identify, I think,

with the film,
with a lot of what

we were trying to
say in the film.

And we're very, very
lucky that he picked it up

for Gallant Entertainment.

[APPLAUSE]

-Thank you.

Thank you for coming to the
screening of "10 Attitudes,"

the film that asked
the musical question,

can a regular gay
guy find love in LA?

OK, how many say yes?

[LAUGHING]

[APPLAUSE]

-OK.

What do you have to say
about "10 Attitudes," son?

-It was beautiful.

-Totally, totally unprompted.

How much was that?

-That was 20.

-I think it was fantastic.

-It was beautiful.

-Fantastic is worth more.

-Wait, I need a credit card.

-Here's our special guest
tonight at the "10 Attitudes,"

live and in person, Doctor Evil.

Doctor Evil, what did
you think of the film?

-(WITH ACCENT) Oh, I
thought it was absolutely

worth $100 billion, Michael.

-Did you say 100--

-Billion.

-Billion.

-Dollars.

-Dollars.

-Right.

Is that enough?

-That's what we should
get for this film.

-Absolutely.

-And Michael goes,
just be normal.

-Be yourself.

-What the hell is normal?

-Here's a martini.

-Oh, thank you, Dave.

-Shh.

-The film initially was funded
by Rob Bonet, who runs the, uh,

Allan Carr production company,
Allan Carr's original company,

which is now called
Envision Entertainment.

And Rob really was
the first person

to be enthusiastic
about the film

and say, hey, I want
to come on board.

I want to get into this.

I want to help you guys make
this real and finance it.

The other two
executive producers

are Lex Dale Owens
and Jerry Rosenberg,

who are not guys that
are in the film business.

But they are guys that
just love this concept,

love the idea of "10 Attitudes."

Jerry is from Florida,
and Lex is from Texas.

So they're, you know,
non-Hollywood guys

that just have a great, great--
no pun intended-- attitude

about things.

And they just came to
the table and said, hey,

we want to be a
part of this film.

And without Rob and Lex and
Jerry, we wouldn't have a film.

I mean, it's such an incredible
contingent of support

for people in Austin, Texas,
where our film also sold out

at the Gay and Lesbian
International Austin Film

Festival.

And Martin Lukey and Lex
Dale Owens and so many people

out there were so wonderful
to us, you know, and so crazy.

I mean, if anybody wants
to have a fun time,

go to Austin, Texas.

-Martin Lukey is our
associate producer.

Martin is a filmmaker
from Austin, Texas.

He did a lot of the special
editing for the piece.

He did the flashback sequence.

He did a lot of the
main title sequence.

And he worked both as a
cinematographer and editor

on the film, very,
very creative guy.

Comes out of broadcast
news in Texas.

And, uh, he just had
wonderful creative ideas

right along the way.

And it was a tremendous help to
me throughout the production.

MAN (OFFSCREEN): Start.

MAN (OFFSCREEN): All
you ever do is complain.

JOSH (OFFSCREEN): I'm a Jew.

That's what my people do.

BRANDON (OFFSCREEN):
Who is really

Mister-- your
Mister Right anyway?

I mean, what's it gonna take?

JOSH (OFFSCREEN): That guy.

-Straight.

-OK.

I need another one, honey.

This will be another, Kaya.

Yeah.

MAN (OFFSCREEN): He
doesn't answer with Kaya.

-Yeah, sure.

-Yeah, sure.

-You need another one?

-Oh, yeah, I do.

-OK.

-And will you mix
it with your tits?

Come on, honey.

Work it.

Yeah.

Say1 when.

-Um, I did not say when.

Don't make me touch you.

Come on, baby.

Fill me up.

-How's that?

-Brilliant.

-All right.

-And that's one.

JOSH (OFFSCREEN): Two.

-Good.

JOSH (OFFSCREEN): Three.

-Down further.

-I'm never gonna meet anybody.

I'm just too old.

-That's the spirit.

-They want all these little
boys that are straight.

That's what they do.

They want--

-Little Marky Marks.
-Right.

They want all these guys
that-- straight acting,

whatever the hell that means.

The little straight acting
straight boys that are gay.

-You know, Josh, if you
keep up this bitching,

I'm gonna have to start
billing you for therapy.

-No, it's just hard to
meet somebody in this town.

Everything is so plastic.

The people here are so shallow.

Is this to help my butt?

-Mm-hmm.

-When you're over
30, your butt drops.

Mine is in a different country.

Ugh.

Do I look any bigger?

I got my little V here going.

-Yeah, you're a big, buff god.

-That ain't it, kid.

RYAN (OFFSCREEN):
That ain't it, kid.

-That ain't it, kid.

(SINGING) Dance 10 bucks, three.

How old are you?

-Yeah, I still get that.

-How old are you?

-How old am I?

-Answer me.

How old are you?

-My butt's still
above the equator.

-And I just feel like I'm
not good-looking enough.

I'm not young enough.

I'm not thin enough.

I'm not enough.

-Channel all of
that into your legs.

-That's 55 sets.

I'm done.

-Oh.

Oh, seriously, though, I--
I would go out with you.

-Yeah, but I don't
want you to go out

with me just because
of the date bet thing.

-Hi, I'm offering.

And you're, like,
totally going back on it.

So just come over later.

-OK.

-Good, I'll cook something up.

-You're going to cook?

-I'll cook something up, but
I didn't say that I cook.

-You're going to get me fat.

Then I have to go on this
on this fakakte thing

for I don't know
how much longer.

-Uh-huh.

But it's fun.

It's like torturing you.

-Oh.

-Good.

-Yeah, you can be the Nazi.

I'll be the Jew.

Perfect.

-We know our parts.

-Yes, we do.

Oh.

-You're late.

-Oh.

Oh, my god.

-Come in.

Well, I told you I would cook
something up, and I have.

But it's not exactly food.

So let me set the table.

I thought, from how
you were talking

at the gym, what you
really need is to relax.

Care for this?

-I don't know.

I mean, don't you think
we should eat first?

What's that?

-See, look.

You need to relax.

I've never seen anyone who
needs this more than you.

-No, I don't.

I'm too old to do this.

-You're too old for this?

-I was really ready
to eat, but I--

-Apparently, I'm not going
to plan at all about that.

-Well, I think we should get
to know each other, don't you?

I don't that I
should-- what do I do?

Let me take my keys out.

-All right.

Shirt.

-Oh, I can't take off my shirt.

-Oh, come on.

Shoes are off.

Now it's the shirt.

-But-- but--

-Thank you.

-Oh, no fair.

You have another
shirt on underneath.

-You don't want to wrinkle it.

It's cashmere, you know.

-On the table.

Down.

-OK, great, great.

All right.

Here we go.

-Mm-hmm.

Um, would you like
me to take these off?

-You mean your pants?

-Mm-hmm.

All right.

I've just got to
adjust the headrest.

-Oh, my god.

Um, yeah.

Adjust away.

[MOANING] Oh, my god.

[MOANING]

-You know, you can
touch too, if you want.

-OK.

[CHUCKLES]

-There we go.

-Oh, my god.

Oh, my god.

MAN (OFFSCREEN):
Steve enters here.

-Just a second.

Just a second.

MAN (OFFSCREEN): And
Mitch comes on this side.

You're-- you're here.

-Their diction was the same.

WOMAN (OFFSCREEN): But now we
can do exactly what we want.

You understand me?

We can do this.

We can do this.

We can do--

-You want to look at the--

-That way.

You understand me?

MAN (OFFSCREEN): Yeah, I see.

-I'm in the middle.

WOMAN (OFFSCREEN):
Now we can play--

we can play with this,
whatever we want to do.

MAN (OFFSCREEN): With the light?

Like a bounce, you mean?
MAN (OFFSCREEN): Yeah, exactly.

We just would bounce
it off of this.

WOMAN (OFFSCREEN): You
can do it that way.

You can do less,
or you can do more.

-You know, because
if it were me,

I'd be beating him over
the head with a bat.

But you know, that's me.

[LAUGHS]

More.

Yeah, more.

-I think you're absolutely cute.
-More.

More.

Make it grow.

Andrew.

Andrew.

Andrew.

Andrew.

Andrew.

(WHISPERS) Andrew.

-Mm, yeah.

Here, give me a
little thing there.

Come here.

This one.

-Andrew, make me happy, honey.

Would you make me happy, honey?

Make me happy, honey.

Happiness.

To you and those titties.

Andrew could flirt with me.

Go ahead.

Don't let me interrupt.

-Of course not.

I didn't even know
I was talking.

[LAUGHING]

-Oh, my god.

Sorry.

Sorry.

Sorry.

-Shut up.

Someone's talking to me.

-Oh, sorry.

I'm a little volatile.

-Please stop giving him alcohol.

-Open your mouth.

Do this.

-I don't wanna be gay right now.

-You are so not cute.

-I was yesterday.

Let's take a vote.

Who thinks I'm cute?

Boys, cute, right?

-Yes.

-Ta-dah.

There you go, baby.

I had him.

He's fabulous.

Could you say, Mildred?

Just go, Mildred!

'Cause that was you.

Oh, I'm sorry We're all sorry.

-Don't worry about it.

[LAUGHING]

MAN (OFFSCREEN): And cut.

And action!

-Oh, my god.

Here we go.

-I'm gonna get up a little.

-No, you see, when you have
sex, and no sheets come undone,

because it's going to get you
all hot and sweaty and the body

temperature.

You know how that goes.

Do you want o have it with
like a foot right here?

MAN (OFFSCREEN):
That'd be hysterical.

-Do you want to try
different positions?

MAN (OFFSCREEN): A
foot like on his chest?

Try it.

-You wanna do it this way?

MAN (OFFSCREEN): Yeah.

-Oh.
Oh.

Oh.
I'm sorry.

MAN (OFFSCREEN): Let me
what that looks like.

-Where it's kind of like--

WOMAN (OFFSCREEN): Well, see,
here's-- here's the thing.

You can't have
the foot too-- you

can't have the foot too close.

But you can have it there.

That's good.

So that's going to be
the start of the shot,

going back, going back, going
back, going back, going back.

-I gotta hold it.

-Oh, my god.

I don't know if you want--

MAN (OFFSCREEN): That's good.

Huh?

-You're going to have him like
this with his butt spread?

MAN (OFFSCREEN): There's
nothing wrong with it.

What's wrong with it?

-You staring at my ass?

MAN (OFFSCREEN):
What's wrong with it?

-He's-- you're-- you're gonna be
without your underwear, right?

-No, no, no.

I'm doing it with my underwear.

MAN (OFFSCREEN): That's fine.

You can have underwear on.

-Well, then I think it'd be--

-If you're not going to wear
your-- if you're gonna do that,

then we should cover him up.

-Hi.

-Hi.

-Remember, it's 130.

-246.

-Hey.

-Hey, everybody.

-Come on.

MAN (OFFSCREEN): Jeff,
you're in the shot.

WOMAN (OFFSCREEN): In the shot.
MAN (OFFSCREEN): Jeff.

Jeff, you're in the shot.

Cut.

That was interesting.

That was different.