100 Men (2017) - full transcript

Growing up in New Zealand,

I went with a bunch of my schoolmates

who were into surfing.

They were diving into the ocean,

and they looked amazing.

I mean, it - it was difficult
because in some ways

I fancied them, you know,
they were sexy guys.

And I was thinking this is fantastic,

but I can never be part of that.

They are going to have happy lives.

A few years ago, I started to make a list



of all the men I'd met through sex,

and there have been a lot.

Initially, it was just because
I didn't want to forget

so many wonderful encounters.

But then it became something more.

I began to track some of them down.

I was overwhelmed when you
told me about this idea,

this crazy project.

I will ask my mum to take a sleeping pill

before she sees this film.

Been strange, you know?

"Hi. We haven't talked,

we bonked fifteen years ago
a couple of times,

um, can I come and do
an interview with you?"



I mean, you have no problems being,

appearing in this, and...

No no.
There are, there are things...

because I wasn't sure what we'd talk about,

because obviously, we met through,

through sex, didn't we?

You know.

- It's all right to say that?
- Yeah. No. Absolutely.

In a way, I love history,

and this was a way of exploring history

from a very personal angle.

As a filmmaker,
I realized that counting down

a hundred of the most
memorable from my list

was a way to look at how thing had changed

for gay men in my lifetime.

Yeah Pita, as in the bread.

The reason he is number a hundred is,

it's simply when I started writing this up.

Mostly my countdown
is in chronological order.

But to tell the story,

sometimes it makes sense
to break the rules.

I grew up in New Zealand,

and had recently returned
after many years in the UK.

Soon after getting back,

I went to a sex-on-site
cruise club in Auckland.

I met this fantastic Maori guy

who was absolutely beautiful.

I mean, he was, mid-30s,
fantastic physique;

he was every fantasy.

We went and had sex,

and I asked him to come back.

And he said he couldn't.

He wasn't out.

Of course, I couldn't track him down,

but it got me thinking...

I wondered how much
New Zealand had really changed

since I grew up here in the 70s.

My parents were very religious,

a fairly fundamentalist puritan religion.

I think somewhere around
that time, my Dad gave me

the church book on sexuality...

and I began to put two and two together.

I met the next guy on the list,
Mr. Raglan, recently

and he also had a religious upbringing.

It was a very simple conflict.

I mean, I knew I was gay very early on,

and the church thought that was a sin.

I actually prayed, you know.

- I said, "God make me straight."
- Oh yeah.

I've got journals of just
heart-wrenching outpourings

of pleading, you know.

Pleading for change and healing,

and to be better,
and to do the right thing.

And I was literally
officially a missionary;

I came to New Zealand as a missionary

to work with the church.

- You are originally from Canada?
- So, I'm from Canada.

I grew up in a small farming town,

population five hundred, village,

Brethren church community.

So, my upbringing, my social
life, was church and family.

I was sixteen when
I first plucked up courage

to go into a dirty bookshop.

He actually wouldn't even be on the list,

if it weren't for the fact
that it was the first.

It was certainly not memorable sex.

There were some contact magazines...

so I wrote a letter

and agreed to meet someone in a motel.

It was terrifying.

I'm thinking, "God, am I going
to go through with this?"

For a period, right after the first time,

I thought, "Okay, it's a phase.

It'll be fine."

And I was determined to become straight.

There was very little alternative,

something I found talking
to others on the list,

like a journalist I met
in the UK some years later.

There was nothing out there.

There was literally nothing out there.

I remember there's a, I,

my parents didn't have that
many books in the house.

But, um, they did have this
awful Pears Encyclopedia

from about 1967,

and I used to look at it all the time

for the definition of homosexuality.

And it talked about
homosexuality as a disease

that could be cured with electric shocks.

What did you do about it?

I -I tried to seduce

all of my school mates, obviously.

Um, and-and successfully actually,

with quite a few of them.

One of the teachers giving a talk,

it was in a sex education class,

he came up with a theory

that you could always tell homosexuals

because they strike matches
away from themselves.

And I was sitting in the class thinking,

"Do I strike matches towards
me or away from me?"

I'm not quite sure.

Jones is one, you know.

Yeah, you can tell.

He strikes matches away from him.

What's that supposed to mean?

I dunno.
Read it in the paper.

Nah.
They are not all like that.

Some act normal.
You might be one.

Yeah I know.
Give us a kiss.

Fuck off.

I'd heard about a beach
where gay men went cruising.

Met somebody there, and had sex with him

there on the beach.

That was when it really
started to get heavy

because I then knew
this wasn't just a phase.

I entered a world of clandestine cruising,

meeting people in parks, beaches, toilets.

This strange world,

it's like a subterranean
culture that exists.

And that becomes in itself quite exciting.

I was still going to school.

By this time, I'd been made
a deacon in the church.

I was getting very little sleep.

And it started to spiral out of control.

It was around that time
that I thought, "Right,

I'll give my life to God,
he'll make me straight,

and I'll go off
and become a preacher."

So, I headed off to a seminary
run by the church.

Did you believe, did you have faith?

Because I actually went off,

I actually went off to become a preacher.

- I went to, I went to a seminary.
- Yeah, yeah.

And I looked into going
to bible college as well.

♪ Deep river ♪

♪ My home is over Jordan ♪

I was at the Church Seminary
for about eight months.

It was a boarding place,

and to be absolutely honest,
I nearly went mad.

I started to hallucinate.

♪ Oh, don't you want to go ♪

I just thought, "I don't want to go mad.

I don't care about being straight anymore,

I don't care about what
other people think of me."

And I certainly decided
that I was not interested in

becoming a preacher.

♪ I want to cross over ♪

♪ Into campground ♪

A lot of the people
we talked to, myself included,

the religious aspect,
in terms of, being gay,

caused us huge problems.

Was that the case with yourself?

No, actually not.

Um, my, um, my father
is a Methodist minister,

my stepmother is a Catholic ex-nun.

Um, but they are both very
liberal, socialist tree-huggers.

Um, when I came out to them
in a letter at fifteen,

ah, I also told them at the same time

that I'd started smoking.

And I got a letter back saying
how devastated they were

about the smoking, and they
didn't care about the gay.

When I got back from the seminary,

I went to a sauna and started
meeting interesting people,

like James.

I know.
It's that name, ah,

after a breakfast cereal.

Who came up with the name?

Well, there's two teams.

We're Cheerios, and the
other one is called Fruit Loops.

So, we are, kind of, like,
the cereal brand of gay men

that play touch on
a Monday night here, Paul.

Did you always know you were gay?

Yep...

had sex with the neighbor's, ah,

neighbor's, one of the brothers.

There was five brothers next door.

Must been about eleven or twelve.

He must have been about
thirteen or something.

And I got a feeling
my parents knew I was gay,

but they didn't want to believe it either.

Especially, you know, in my twenties

when I used to bring home a dear friend.

They used to call them.
"Oh, that's James' friend."

These were older European men.

So, you know, ten years older than me.

So, if you knew you were gay,

why did you get a girlfriend?

Fuck, I wasn't gonna...

I wasn't gonna tell
people back then, ah, Paul.

I wasn't going to let them know.

Why?

Oh, probably because the people I was with,

you know, um...

people like me...
street people,

gang people.

Your father said he used to beat the living

daylights out of people like you.

Brogan, a friend I've met more recently,

also comes from a tough background.

My father has always told me that,

you know, be a man,
get a girlfriend, get a job.

I suppose in a way it was to, kind of,

scare me to go straight.

Living in a council estate

wasn't the easiest thing in the world.

You said you came out at fifteen.

- Was that to everybody?
- Yes, yes.

And how did that go down in Burnley?

I spent most of my life at school

being chased around
the corridors being called,

"Poof, poof, poof,
poof, poof."

Ah, but so did my sisters,

so I don't think they quite
understood the word.

I mean, one of the consequences

of that problematizing of,
of sexuality is it,

ah, is it emotionally retards
a lot of gay men, I think.

Because a lot of that exploration

we should be doing publicly.

Falling in love, breaking up,

having the fights, having crushes,

all the stuff that our
straight friends are doing,

we can't do publicly.

And I think there is certain
emotional retardation.

Ah, a lot of stuff gets delayed
until the twenties or,

or late teens, which, um,
which is a shame really.

I met a guy who
used to make beautiful rugs.

He was quite a lot older.

I was seventeen,

and he was probably in his forties

and lived by himself.

And it was quite sad in a way

because he loved me coming round,

and it wasn't even for the sex,

it was just the fact
that I'd sit and talk to him.

And I thought this is sad,

and I thought,
"This is my future."

The other person I met
at the sauna was Douglas.

Douglas told me that he was working there

to earn money to continue his dance work.

In those days, he was just starting out.

For some reason that,
that stuck in my head,

and over the years,
I managed to follow his career.

Didn't ever talk to him since.

I tracked him down,

and I told him what I was doing and said,

"Look, I'd love to come
and interview you."

So, he said, "Yes" and we did an interview.

The Victoria Spa.

That's right.
And...

I can remember that.

And I can remember it being very physical,

and your beautiful body.

And it was like you were
the dancer in Victoria Spa.

So, you stuck in my mind.

But obviously, you, I mean,
so I remember it.

I don't remember.

I'm sorry.

That's fine.

I think dancers punish their bodies.

They all seem to smoke,

and they all seem to take loads of drugs...

and certainly Douglas, I think,
lived life to the full,

and is very honest about that.

I moved in drug circles mainly

when I was a teenager.

And most of the men in those
circles were heterosexual.

So, I'd have crushes on them,

but they'd stick needles in my arm

but that's all they'd stick into me.

I went to Sydney
and became a heroin addict,

and I came back to New Zealand
quite broken,

and met Malcom then.

Was it love at first sight?

Mmm.

Malcom, not only pulled me
out of using heroin,

he asked me a question,

"Is there anything in your life

that you've ever
wanted to do?"

And I could remember

that the only thing
I'd ever loved was dancing.

I also fell in love,
and that changed everything.

He said, did I want to come home with him.

I'd been back to people's places,

but I'd never stayed the night

and Ian clearly wanted me
to stay the night.

He lit loads of candles,
cliché though that is.

I was in love.

We did everything together,
and he took me to a gay club,

and that was a revelation.

♪ Oh, baby ♪

♪ My heart is full of love
and desire for you ♪

♪ Now come on down
and do what you've got to do ♪

♪ You started this fire
down in my soul ♪

♪ Now can't you see
it's burning out of control ♪

I was happy, I was so happy.

And I did the whole thing.
I came out,

which shocked everybody at the time.

♪ Good loving can set me free ♪

Did you actually come out
at any point, is that...?

Yeah, oh God.
Yeah.

I wrote this awful...

story about Christ's crucifixion

where I kind of compared
myself coming out to Christ,

and honestly...

I mean, it's embarrassing now.

But it felt, I mean,
the agony of coming out

at that time was, was terrible.

My parents persuaded me

that I should go and see a psychiatrist,

because in those days
it was considered a disease.

So, I went and saw a psychiatrist,

and he wanted to put me on
some experimental drug therapy,

which I think was a form of LSD.

I should have tried it.

I would have been, yeah,
around twenty-nine, thirty,

that I would have,
"come out."

I think I finally blurted it out,

I think it was, like,
the night before we got married.

And I said, "Oh by the way..."

I mean, despite how fraught
it might have been,

or how difficult,
or the lack of understanding,

or what we were honest or not honest about,

that urge to follow God, you know,

to do that thing that you think is just

the right thing to do so strongly,

you kind of go against all logic.

Because I was in love,
I had the strength to come out.

I didn't care what people thought,

because I just wanted,
you know, I was, I was happy.

The problem was, in some ways,

I'd never experienced
anything like this before,

and I think I smothered our relationship.

After about six months, Ian said,

look, he wanted to break up.

And I didn't understand the reasons,

and I was heartbroken.

I decided it was time to see the world

and go on an adventure.

I got to London beginning of 1979.

I got a job in a restaurant washing dishes

and started to explore this huge city.

It was the tail end of punk.

I went to clubs, and saw amazing acts.

Punk rock was a huge thing

and that absolutely saved my life

because it became glamorous
to be different, basically.

So, instead of people
chasing me round going,

"Poof, poof, poof."

They chased me around going,
"Punk, punk, punk."

And then started coming in

and asking if they could join in my group.

Soho was the red-light district of London.

It was a fantastically exciting world.

I'd read about all the characters in books.

I'd read Gean Genet;
I'd read William Burroughs.

You know, they'd written about drag queens,

they'd written about gangsters,

they'd written about rent boys,

and, you know, I was
suddenly at the heart of it.

♪ Tonight, tonight ♪

♪ It's right tonight ♪

Nowadays, the sex
industry is mostly online.

Recently, I thought
I'd try paying for an escort,

especially when I saw a porn model

advertising his services.

Before our interview, I realized

I didn't know anything about Ben.

First off, Ben, and I, I'm
assuming Ben is your real name.

Yes.

Which, which do you enjoy
more, escorting or porn?

Um, probably escorting, definitely.

So, porn is, porn has its moments.

I think promotion in porn is fun,

but when you're actually filming it,

it can be a nightmare.

How hard to you think it is to get a group

of gorgeous people in a room and fuck?

And you'd be surprised.

As I said, my list is mainly chronological,

but I want to talk to Ben
at this point in the story,

because my first paid job in films

was also in the porn industry.

When I got to England I had no money,

I was trying to get into films,

and I was sort of editing

just round the corner here in Soho.

I wandered into a gay sex cinema

that was just downstairs,

and I got talking to the owner.

He used to be tipped off by the Police

- when there was a raid.
- Okay.

And in those days,

they weren't allowed
to show anybody coming.

So, he used to pay me

to cut out all the cum shots before a raid.

Then he'd bring them all up,
and I'd put them all back.

Eventually, he sort of said,

"Look, do you want
to work the weekends?"

So, I ended up working
in a gay sex shop in Soho.

There was a little front bit
with magazines.

People would come in,
they'd look at the magazines

and mostly they'd pay,
you know, five pounds,

and they'd go out the back.

And out the back, there were 20-odd seats,

a little projection booth.

It was packed, thirty, forty people

crammed into this little place.

And it was mainly an excuse to have sex.

Do you think gay men
are too fixated on sex?

Ah yeah, definitely.

I don't think sex is the
most important thing though.

What is the most important thing, then?

Um, well, having someone
that you care about

or having, you know,
ah, the people around you

in your life, you know what I mean?

Good friends, um, you know, your friends,

or like your family.

I mean, there were
all sorts of crazy people

that came in.

There were, sort of,
mayors that would draw up

in their chauffeur-driven limousines,

there were arms dealers from abroad,

there were lawyers, there were gardeners,

doctors, accountants...

The accountant,
the reason he's on the list,

is he had an enormous dick.

It's funny because
I've met several accountants,

and they all seem to have enormous dicks.

I don't know why.

And the other thing is,
I stayed the night with him,

and the next morning,
I remember it was the wedding

of Prince Charles and Diana.

We started watching the wedding,

and got distracted and ended up having sex

while they were, the wedding
was going on in the background.

So, it was quite a memorable scene.

I actually managed to get
a bit closer to some

Royal action shortly after this.

He told me, when I asked
what he did for a living,

that he was a senior member
of the Royal Household.

I sort of fancied him,

but when he suggested
that I could come back

and stay the night at his place
at Buckingham Palace,

I thought, this is a chance I,
I've, I've got to say yes to.

So, I was terribly excited.

Sadly, it was a bit of a letdown,

because we went into
this little tiny side gate,

and he had a small room with a single bed.

I did stay the night, and I
can remember, in the morning,

we had a cup of tea,

and he had a mismatched cup and saucer,

which I thought was somehow totally wrong

for Buckingham Palace.

♪ The air was thick
with a smell of oppression ♪

♪ The military joined
with angry position ♪

♪ The tension tight
with the strain of repression ♪

♪ Young blood boiling
hot with aggression ♪

♪ Jah war ♪

There was a skinhead I remember called Joe,

Joe the skinhead.

I met him in this ridiculous little custom

that used to exist.

Basically, in trains

they had those little private carriages.

- Do you remember those...?
- Oh, where the doors open and, yeah, yeah.

And people literally try
and have sex between stations.

And this guy Joe, who
was a very sexy skinhead,

used to, sort of, ride round
the trains all day long just,

you know, it was completely
bizarre but, um...

I didn't meet Joe.

Wish I had met Joe, actually.

Joe, Joe sound great.

♪ Jah war ♪

♪ Fighting fighting ♪

- ♪ Jah war ♪
- ♪ Too close frightening ♪

As the 80s wore on,

I found I was meeting
more and more gay skinheads.

I was part of that.
I mean, I loved it.

I mean, I shaved my hair off
as quickly as I could.

Ah, you know, Bomber Jacket, 501s,

Doc Martens, piercings, I loved it.

It was a fantastic image;
I was a complicated image.

Because it wasn't too long
after the whole National Front

kind of revival, and there
was definitely a politics

lying underneath it, yeah.

There was a subversion going on

of a, of a, of a neo fascist image.

He came in, he was about eighteen,

very good looking,

and in fact, had posed as a model

for some of the magazines
that we sold in the shop.

And when he came in, I recognized him,

and thought, "Wow.

You've been in one
of those magazines."

And what was even nicer
was he came back with me.

As part of this,
I went back to try and find

the magazine where he'd appeared.

This is a box of magazines from the 70s,

which have been pandered away,

and to be quite honest with you,

the time has come when they've got to go.

Okay.

I don't really want to put them

into the waste paper bins.

I'm sure the waste paper bin sorters

will have a bit of fun with them,

but I'd rather not.

The guy, Ian, my friend, was actually,

I think he was in the Zipper Magazine.

Well, there was nothing in the magazine

that you could object to,

I mean, young men
in very large, voluminous,

ah, swimming trunks,

that you couldn't have seen
the outline of a cock

even if you had wanted to.

It just wasn't there.

I didn't find the magazine with Ian in it.

But it did give me some free porn.

And the search gave me a chance
to meet one of the men

at the heart of gay publishing.

This magazine?

That was the one?

So, that's the actual very first Him magazine?
- It is.

And that was the start

of the real commercial side
of gay magazines.

We got distribution
through W.H. Smith's

after a huge battle.

We were printing at that time

sixteen thousand eight hundred
copies each month.

On issue Number 8,

the police took the whole
lot from the printers.

Why?

It had an article about a masseur

who was a rent boy.

So, this is not even
for a picture they seized it?

No.

The magazine had pictures in it.

Right.
And, and, ah...

But at the time you couldn't
put nude pictures in.

At one stage in 1976,

we were actually raided every single week.

Did you get angry about it?

I think it was more a driver

in so much as,
"You can't do this."

What right have you got
to come to seize magazines

'cause they're gay?

The cinema club
was also raided lots of times.

When the owner was arrested,

I actually ended up running
the cinema club for a bit,

and paying protection
money to the local mafia.

Once a week, I would meet
this gangster character in a,

another Soho pub.

We literally went into the toilet

and I would hand him a brown envelope with

five hundred pounds, a thousand pounds.

Suddenly I would be
with all these characters

that looked as if they'd
stepped out of some

crazy gangster movie.

There was a genuinely dark side

to my time at the cinema club.

The real thing that bought it home to me

was the death of one of the rent boys

that I got to know.

He used to come into
the shop quite regularly,

he would bring his punters in,
do them out the back.

We had a bit of a play one time...

Sadly, he stopped coming to the club.

And, then, a few years later,
ah, I was reading a book

about the murderer Dennis Neilson,

and discovered that
he was one of the victims.

Dennis Neilson killed
sixteen young gay men.

Nobody noticed a serial killer was at work.

And in fact, the only way that
he was eventually discovered

was the fact his drains
were blocked with body parts.

How can sixteen people just disappear?

Not even a missing person's report.

I'd like to think
that couldn't happen today.

I don't know.

I stopped working in the sex shop

when I got work as a real film editor

and I started to explore
places outside London.

One night, I went up
to a club in Birmingham.

I looked at John,

and I guess it was just
love at first sight.

John, we'd only met three or four times,

and he'd come down to London.

And suddenly I said,
"Look, come and live with me."

He wasn't sure, and he came
down just to sort of

wander round for a day to think about it.

And I didn't know he was
coming down to London.

I got on the Underground,
and he was sat opposite me.

He just said that was obviously fate.

The following week,
we got a little flat together.

For the first time, I was
in a domestic environment.

I, I think I went and bought recipe books

and tried to cook dinners
and things like that.

How did you actually meet your partner?

He was on a tube train
and I was on a tube train,

and we, I followed him home.

Wow.

My father, one morning said to me,

"Are you mixed in
with this homosexuality lark?",

and I said, "Yes."

And he said, "Well, why?"

And I said, "Well, that
was the way I was born."

And that was the end of it.

But my father, he always said
about my partner, Colin...

"You got a good one there, mate.

Don't you screw it up."

For the first few
months, it was absolute bliss

and wonderful, and we were in love.

And then the difficult question
of monogamy reared its head.

Hampstead Heath was
literally on our doorstep,

and Hempstead Heath is
probably the most famous

cruising ground in the United Kingdom.

Monogamy...
Yeah.

Do you think any gay
gay people can be monogamous?

Um, they can,

but generally, I think it's more
healthier in a relationship,

because generally I think,
like, guys are guys,

and lots of guys have trouble
keeping it in their pants.

So, I think it's best to be open about it.

What really made me come to London

was because I discovered the park.

So, that became my
social life a little bit,

- but it also became my sexual adventure land.
- Yeah.

These kind of cruising spaces,

you just go down to what you really feel.

Eventually John confessed

that he'd been up on the Heath,

and I was hurt and upset.

I decided, well, if he's going
to do that, then I should.

And I went up and met a guy there.

He was a little short guy,
hence Little John.

It turned out he was
having a party that weekend.

And I told John about it, and I was honest.

And I said how we'd met,

and I suggested that maybe we should go

to this party together.

We met lots of friends,
we had a really good time.

It somehow made the
infidelities less painful,

and it just somehow led us into
a much more relaxed attitude

to the whole idea of an open relationship.

If you meet a guy,
do you expect it be monogamous?

The whole idea of monogamy,

that's based on that
heterosexual marriage model

that you partner in this way,

and this is the purpose
of the relationship...

to do that.

Whereas, you know, there's this
incredible liberty and freedom

and exemption as a gay man

and in gay relationships to have,

like, why do we have to model that?

It's not relevant.

John had met Richard on Hampstead Heath.

And became a good friend of both of ours.

Richard was from the North of England.

He'd grown up in a mining town,

and he'd left school
when he was quite young,

and he joined the Navy.

And he was very much a Navy boy, you know,

God, Queen and Country.

Except for this one slight
problem was that he was gay.

There was this organization called the SIB

that was specifically, ah,
targeted gay people,

ah, in the Navy.

And if they admitted being
gay or if they were caught

doing gay things, whatever they are,

they were kicked out.

It was like an internal police force.

- Is that right?
- Yes.

Because you were still
in the Navy when we met,

- weren't you?
- Yes, yes.

Yeah.
And I remember all that and...

I just couldn't take the whole
Navy thing seriously really.

Well, I, I remember actually,

one of the first times I met you, Paul,

you referred to my uniform as my costume.

And all these years later
I've not forgotten that,

that comment.

And I, I was amazed
at how paranoid you were.

Yes, because you never knew when the SIB

would come knocking
at your door, basically.

Yeah, I mean, that people were thrown out,

- weren't they?
- Yes, yeah. All the time.

Overnight they lost their friends,

they were outed to their families,

they lost their income,

and very often they were halfway
through a three-year training,

and they were just
thrown out unceremoniously.

Pretty brutal.

I was cruising one night

on Clapham Common in the 80s,

and I remember watching this man,

he must have been about
seventy-five, even eighty,

trying to run across Clapham Common.

This gay old man, chased by a Police van

that was hunting him for sport.

I'd never been that involved

with the growing gay rights movement,

but when Channel Four launched in 1982,

I saw an opportunity to
make a program for gay people,

and plunged naively into
the world of gay politics.

This was the, ah, headline that I saw

on the front page of the Daily Mail.

An MP had demanded,

as a result of our little program,

that Channel 4 be taken off the air.

Anything gay seemed
to cause controversy back then.

When we were able
to publish nude photographs,

the angle of the dangle...

Explain that to me.

Ah, how to put it on film...

if a certain appendage
was more than a certain degree,

it was obscene.

The angle of the dangle, is that...?

Oh, absolutely.
It was very important.

And you always cut it off on the way up,

not on the way down.

I went on to make several other programs

for this new channel.

And, of course,
invariably some of the people

I'd met through sex

became the subject of these programs.

I wandered into a very early leather bar

and there was this young guy
who had very piercing eyes.

He told me that he was a furniture maker.

What sort of things do you make?

Anything.

Anything from torture
furniture for prostitutes

to really nice beds and tables

for people to eat food off of...

and sleep in and fuck in.

Okay. What, the camera
is about to run out of film.

And my beds don't creak
either while you're fucking.

It's probably, as a piece
of documentary film making,

the thing I am most proud of.

I was really enjoying the work,

and it was also fun to live with John.

We went down to New Zealand
to visit the folks.

On the way back,
we stopped at San Francisco.

It was a revelation.

I remember arriving in San Francisco,

and this was, like, the early 80s.

I went to a place called Castro,

which was a gay ghetto,
and it, it blew my mind

in the sense that
I'd never seen a place where

everything was gay.

The signs, the bars, the coffee houses,

you know, the bank,

the people behind the counter were gay.

Would you like the idea of a gay ghetto?

I don't know, if it's a ghetto then it's,

ah, I don't know,

I feel like that still would
have been pretty dangerous.

It would've been like a...

It, I mean, it wasn't.
It was completely, it was...

that was the beauty of it.

I don't know if I'd want to live

in a gay community, like,
that it's just gay people,

because, ah, I want to,

I want to make friends
because they are friends,

not because they're gay.

During the early 80s,

London began to develop its own gay ghetto

around Soho and Old Compton street.

Around this time,
John and I moved into a flat

in the center of town.

One afternoon, a tourist with blue shorts

followed me home,
and we ended up having sex.

We had a spare bed downstairs, and I said,

"Look, I live with a partner upstairs,

but you are welcome
to stay here."

So, I went upstairs and John
had heard the doorbell,

and wanted to know who it was.

To which John said,
"Well, is he cute?"

and I said, "Yes.

Do you want to go down
to check him out?"

To which John did.

And he came back about
an hour later and said,

"Yes, he was very cute."

And I think that was
the point at which we decided

that the open relationship was no threat

to our friendship and love.

He said he was twenty-four,

he had a huge cock, and...

not sure whether I really believed this,

but I said, "Come over."

Then he said, "Look.
I've just got one thing

that I should warn you about."

He said, "Um,
I like wearing diapers."

Sure enough, he had
an adult pair of diapers.

Though, when he brought out a large dummy,

I decided perhaps this wasn't for me.

Near where we lived,

I discovered a little afternoon bar,

called the Market Tavern.

One of the DJs who played there

was just stunningly good looking.

In reality, I think, the only
reason he wanted to talk to me

is because I was suddenly in television.

When he suggested going back to his place,

I leapt at the chance.

Very sadly, about two years later,

he became ill and died.

Scientists at the national centers

for disease control released the results

of a study which shows

that the lifestyle of some male homosexuals

has triggered an epidemic
of a rare form of cancer.

At the time, in Manhattan,

the AIDS virus,

it was a whisper rather than a resounding,

kind of, tidal wave that it became.

And I ignored that whisper and,

yeah, went wild really.

I was celibate at that point

because nobody knew,

nobody knew whether even kissing
was a problem, you know.

So, because of that,
you know, just, I just...

kept it in my pants, basically.

By the mid 80s, the idea of safe sex,

the use of condoms,

was absolutely starting to take off.

And I got involved,

and had done some safe sex adverts,

and certainly started to practice safe sex.

I came out into a world
of condoms and fear, you know.

That was my reality.

I was terrified of being fucked for years.

But I think a lot of us were.

We came out utterly terrified
that we were gonna get ill,

that we were gonna be infected,

that we were gonna infect others.

There was a little bar that I went into

in Charing Cross.

I'd been there for an hour
and saw a guy looking at me,

and he was very cute-looking.

I asked him, did he
want to come back with me?

He said, "I'd love to,

but just been told
I'm HIV positive."

He expected me just to walk away,

and I didn't.

I said, "Look, it's
obviously got to be safe

but I'd love you
to come back."

I don't really remember the sex.

I remember him crying,

that's it.

He just wanted to be hugged.

His parents didn't know he was gay,

none of his friends knew he was gay.

He had just been told he had,
at most, a year to live,

and at twenty-two,

that's not an easy thing
to come to terms with.

You said you were diagnosed
as HIV positive in 19...?

1990, February 1990.

What did Malcom say?

His main thing was that,

he wanted to die before I died.

He didn't want to live when I, while I was,

if I wasn't alive.

And they gave me eighteen months to live

at that time.

I had to wear black quite a lot.

There were a lot of funerals,
a lot of funerals.

And it was all down
to us naughty gay people.

Yeah.
And that fed into prejudice,

I mean, I remember some of the Daily Mail

and the Sun headlines.

Yes. Oh, yeah.

Which actually suggested
that perhaps an island

off the coast of England should be set up

for gay people to be put on.

Certainly there was a lot of comment

in so much as we should all
be in prison or sent away

and packed off onto a ship
in the middle of the Atlantic.

Children who need to be taught

to respect traditional moral values

are being taught that they have
an inalienable right to be gay.

All of those children are being cheated

of a sound start in life, yes, cheated.

Margaret Thatcher had introduced Clause 28

in 1987.

Clause 28 banned any talk of homosexuality

in any educational environment.

It was a very negative
piece of legislation.

The outrage that people felt,

that here we were in the middle
of this atrocious epidemic,

and instead of our government
treating us with compassion,

it chose that moment to attack.

And I think that pushed people
out of their comfort zones

and onto the streets.

Clause 28 was one of the many issues

that caused huge upheavals in Britain

during Thatcher's time.

The public hatred towards gays and lesbians

was really at its zenith.

What were you doing
personally at this point?

I left uni in '88.

Most of my friends went
into the city or into law

or into very, very, very well paid jobs.

And I went and worked in a brewery.

I kicked around for about a year,

and then, ah, actually got
a job on a gay paper in London,

Capital Gay.

I think this is when I met you through the paper.
- It was through, yeah.

- Yeah, yeah.
- I think I was still.

Capital Gay.

And it was brilliant, you know.

I wanted to be a journalist.

I'd wanted to be a journalist
since I was a kid.

And I was very out and very politicized,

and it just allowed me
to put the two things together.

I think in the past,

there was more ability
that if we felt something

very strongly, we could
have more influence.

I met Gary around the late '80s,

before he was with his partner Norman.

When I came out in, you know, the '70s,

it felt like there was a possibility,

you know, through gay liberation,

of having an alternative
lifestyle and culture.

If you're gay and
you know it, clap your hands.

I remember taking part in a program

about gay men in Newcastle,

and it was like we were a separate species.

You really did
expect Attenborough to come out

and, sort of, say...

The city at night,

a time when some people feel free at last

from the harsh daylight
realities of their lives.

The only time when they
can reveal their true selves.

They are homosexual.

He asked me whether
I was gay, and I said, "Yes."

I didn't see any point in hiding it.

Norman and Gary have quietened down

a little bit nowadays.

They still love a good night out,

though perhaps not for three days in a row.

Now, I think, how on earth did I fit

the time in to do that.

Go out on a Thursday night,

and then I used to work on
a Friday and a Saturday.

And I think, well,
how the hell did I do that

and still have a life?

You tell me, Gary.
That is something I just need...

I've had, I've had a ball.

I've had a ball.

When we had the old bar
systems and all those,

it was much more underground, and so on,

- there was much more a mixture of society.
- Yeah.

So, it'd be more likely that a guy who

was just an ordinary council job

would meet somebody who was into opera.

I met all sorts.
French Steve,

a Hungarian guy
who was a Philosophy Student,

Vinnie who was a singer.

And Graham who was an actor

and became a successful theater director.

From the age of eight,

I knew I wanted to go into the theater.

I was the Artful Dodger in Oliver

for the local amateur theater company.

There weren't many role
models for gay people around.

We had Larry Grayson and we had John Inman.

We had very camp and affected gay men.

I woke up this morning

and I felt as limp as a Vicar's handshake.

I remember my stepfather and my,

and my mother sitting
watching the television

and then saying how disgusting gay men were

when it came on to the television.

My gay self has been very tricky

because I was sexually
abused for many years,

since age from fourteen.

Stepfather was abusive,

and was never able
to tell my mother about it.

So, I came into a world of feeling

very ashamed of who I was.

The man who was abusing me
telling me it was disgusting;

really mixed messages.

So, by the time I'd gone to drama school,

I was a real bag of confusion.

But, a year into that,
I met a very lovely man

who has become a very successful actor now,

um, had my first proper gay relationship.

So it was liberating in many ways.

But I still carry a sense of shame.

For most of my work,

I had to really seem to be not to be gay.

The reason I started my own shop is because

it was made very clear to me very early on

in my career that not being a straight man

would have not been
acceptable within my career.

It would have reached a ceiling
and that would have been it.

Now there would be a lot
of people in what I do

that would argue with that.

But I'm absolutely sure even
now that still is the case

because I think that despite all
of the legal equality we've got,

there's still a psychological
inequality which still exists.

In 1996, combination therapy

provided the first real hope

for thousands of people living with HIV.

Sadly, for many it was too late,

work colleagues, people
who'd been in my documentaries,

the Market DJ, Little John;

the list goes on and on.

Part of history of the '80s and '90s

was very much dealing with
people being sick and dying.

And...

it affected me very deeply.

I lost, I lost some
very very close friends.

Dealing with so much death so quickly was,

was very, very difficult.

At that point London was on the gay side,

was very stiff and uptight,
and lots of leather clones

and techno music, and back end of disco.

And I remember Heaven,

one night a week it was
allowed to have house music.

Then about two in the morning
they would open the door

between this little side club off Heaven

and we'd all kind of
go out into the main club.

This horrible clash of civilizations,

like old gay, new gay.

It was, nobody knew quite
how to dance with each other.

By the mid '90s there were new gay clubs

that catered to the rave culture.

The scene in London was
suddenly famous worldwide.

The Canadian used to come
over for a weekend of clubbing

and then crash at my place

before flying back to Canada
Monday morning.

Another weekend visitor
came from Paris, a dancer.

Of course, like all dancers,
he had a fantastic body.

It was a scene that I never
got heavily involved in,

but a scene that John met a friend,

and they started going out clubbing,

and it started to put
pressure on our relationship.

I started to explore other worlds.

Derek and Rob were in an S&M relationship.

There were lots of games.

It was good fun and it was exploring

all sorts of interesting things sexually.

It was adventurous and
certainly different for me.

He liked toys, and it was
the first person I'd ever met

who liked toys.

And then the Dublin Boys.

They were another threesome, great fun.

Until, ah, the age, I was twenty-eight,

I was in monogamous
relationships that failed,

failed, failed, failed, failed.

So, when I got to twenty-eight
I just, well, fuck this.

I'm going to just be promiscuous

and enjoy the sex, you know.

Was that fun?

Oh, my Lord, yes.

It was, like another world.

I think I'd repressed my sexual feelings

because, um, dirty gay promiscuous men,

I didn't want to be one
of those, you know, oh, no.

When I was able to just
have sex for the sake of sex,

it was liberating.
Of course it was liberating.

But ideally I would like to be monogamous,

but I don't know if that's realistic.

At this point,
John and I really had started

to talk about breaking up.

Underneath it all, I think we
both still loved each other,

but it was clear that we were arguing,

and there was tension,
and it just wasn't working.

So, I shifted out.
It was a very low point.

Do you want a boyfriend?

- Probably.
- All right.

But love, Cupid has to,

shoot his arrow through your heart,

and through the other
person's heart as well

at the same time.

If that doesn't happen then...

But you have been shot in the heart?

Yeah.
But not in the way that I,

you know, you, you start finding faults

in past relationships, and you think,

was that really love?

Let him go, didn't I?

Why did you two break up?

God, I was too controlling,

ah, kind of insecure, really.

We were just too good looking together, ah,

Okay.

I wanted to get away from it all

and decided to go and visit Blackpool.

I asked him what he did for a living

and he said that he did
bare-knuckle fighting,

which, of course, is illegal.

He suddenly asked,
did I want to see some videos

of his fights.

As the night wore on,
he kept insisting to me

that he wasn't gay,

and then he almost looked at me as if,

waiting for me to correct him.

It was an evening that made
an enormous impression on me.

I decided that this could be
the start of a film,

and I went on to spend the next
ten years developing a story

around the fighter that I'd met.

I missed John terribly,
and I still loved him hugely.

I guess I was lonely,
and I started to experiment

with all sorts of crazy things.

He messaged me that he had a slave,

was I interested?

And sure enough,
he had this guy with a mask on.

He had a thick Russian accent
and had bottle of vodka,

which he downed half of it

through the course of the morning.

Most weekends seemed to entail some aspect

of experimentation, clubbing, or drugging.

I didn't go totally off the rails.

Maybe it was the hope
of getting back with John

that stopped me plunging

into some of the darker scenes out there,

like the Muscle Man.

I started chatting on the phone

and I realized we'd met
a couple of years earlier.

He said, "Oh, I've changed
a little since we met."

And he had.

He'd bulked up, become really muscly.

He also lit up a crack cocaine pipe

and wanted to be hurt for real.

He wanted to be hit,
he wanted to be tied up,

he wanted to have
cigarettes put out on him.

He wanted unsafe sex.

It was scary.

I think we were lucky

because it was before the drugs

became an inherent part of what, you know,

it wasn't chem sex.

We'd have a joint, wouldn't we?

And that was lovely and even relaxed us.

But I'm really glad
that I was born when I was,

because I think, because I have
so much pain,

which isn't as bad as it used to be,

but I think I'd have really
got into terrible drugs

and sex and, kind of,
got lost along the way.

You've said at the time you had a problem

with alcohol and drugs.

Do you think the hassles
you were having over

accepting being gay fueled that?

Yeah.

It wasn't all of it;
it was part of it.

I ended up committing a crime,
and ended up in prison

during the Christmas period.

And it was probably at my
lowest time, you know.

Um, drugs were scarce in there,

and I was walking around
and I was thinking, fuck.

Twenty-six-years-old, Paul,

big time crook

with all these other guys
just like me, you know,

thinking that this was neat.

And I, kind of, knew, just
knew that if I didn't get out,

it was gonna be this for
the rest of my life, really.

It was one of our video afternoons.

We all got our cushions and our bags,

and started lying down,

watching these educational
videos on addiction and um,

they had these three short stories

that were twenty minutes each,

and in the middle,
the middle story was called,

ah, "Gay, Proud and Sober."

And we were lying down, watching.

And just before the
"Gay, Proud and Sober" came on,

one of the men got up
and fast-forwarded it.

"Wait until the next short
movie. We're not watching

this 'Gay, Proud
and Sober' thing."

And we all knew it was the next one.

And I was fuming.

And I just got up, and I rewound the movie

and played it, and it just went silent.

Went silent and ah, the next
day in group, I just told them.

I just told the group, and...

I think the conversation
has shifted a little bit.

It's like, "We know you're gay,

we don't care that you're gay,
shut up about it."

Um, so, it's like, you know,

like, there's those, there's
these really weird messages

that are still being sent these days

that's just still perpetuating that idea

that we can exist,
but not be seen or heard.

Being visible to people is actually,

I think, a really, like,
large part of your identity.

and sharing your
identity with other people.

I am shocked that, on the one hand,

you know, amazing changes,

I'm also shocked at listening,

and I've interviewed some young people,

and there are times
I'm thinking, hang on a sec.

I could have been saying
the same thing twenty,

thirty years, forty years ago.

I'm looked down upon, I'm frowned upon,

because I'm something that everyone else

doesn't want me to be.

I'm still inundated, to be honest,

with people, the lowdown,

people who seem to be leading double lives.

- People who are married.
- Yeah.

People whose profile says they're straight,

and they've only got,
like, a picture of, that.

And when I asked him,

"Why does your profile
say you're straight?"

And he's like, "I am straight.

I just like
having sex with men."

I'm like, "Yeah right."

When I started working on this documentary,

I thought, well, I've got to track
down some of these people.

Panos, opera singer.
There can't be many.

I knew he was Greek,

You came to London, and it
was to do, study at, ah...

Trinity College of Music, yeah.

Classical singing, opera.

Now If you were about to ask
me about what my experience

was from that time,

one of my harsh time I had in my life was,

it was there.

And it was because
I was stigmatized as gay.

It came from a very close
person who was putting me up

the first year of my studies.

I told her,

"This is my boyfriend, this is my life,

this is what, who I am."

And,

she called the college to say that I'm gay.

And I was kicked out,
evicted from her house,

and stayed homeless.

When the landlady found out you were gay,

she chucked you out?

You know, you have rage when they,

when they kick you out of who you are,

and especially if you have
your loved one next to you.

Luckily Panos found
the college were supportive,

and they found him
some alternative accommodation.

The most happy moment of my life,

because at that time,
I could fulfill my dream

which was to finish my studies.

As a new century approached,

there was real progress
in the struggle for equality.

But hatred continued to fuel atrocities,

such as the bombing of the
Admiral Duncan in 1999,

which killed two people.

And I continued to meet many
people leading double lives.

Around this time, I discovered
a strange little phenomena,

telephone chat lines.

This anonymous world
was full of closeted men

from all over the country.

A Cornish fisherman,
an Aberdeen oil rig worker,

a First Division Footballer from up North,

But there are dangers of
meeting people off the phone line.

One day, he came out of the bathroom

with a gun in his hand

and put the gun at my head.

He was basically robbing me.

He was very agitated;

he was a totally different person

to the person I'd had sex with.

He smashed a phone

and yelled that, if I call the police,

he'd come back and kill me,

and left.

I did call the police straightaway,

I remember the police sergeant
asked how I'd met this guy,

and I was a little bit hesitant.

He just was very clear and said, "Look,

we think we know who this person is.

We're not making a moral judgement.

We just want to catch this guy,

because he's done it before,

and we want to stop him."

I was surprised that
the police were so supportive.

I remember thinking at the time

that things really are changing.

I was even offered
victim support counseling.

In so much as ten years
after we were actually raided,

I was actually sitting on a committee

of the police force

actually talking about
policing the gay community.

When Admiral Duncan was bombed,

I was actually invited to come in

and talk at Scotland Yard.

I actually did a number of
talks in local police stations

about equality and diversity.

I just recently filmed London Pride,

and all of the Armed Forces
had representatives there,

bands marching.

Did you ever think you'd
see something like this?

No.

I thought that would be impossible.

The thought of military people

being open about their sexuality

is to me, it's actually incredible,

because now they can get on with their jobs

and do the things that they love

and serve their country
without the overhead

of having to worry about the SIB

or, you know, or the Naval patrol.

Clearly there are
legal changes that happened,

but in terms of those
changes having an impact,

it was really through
the examples of individuals

coming out to families,
coming out to friends,

that really did make the cultural change.

I got over John completely.

It was very strange.

For many nights, I found
myself dreaming about him,

and then one night those
dreams suddenly stopped.

Literally the following week,

I got a letter out of the blue from John

saying how much he missed me.

And if you know anything about John,

he doesn't even like using a telephone,

let alone writing.

And he said, "Well, we should
meet up for something to eat."

And I said, "Definitely."

And before too long,
John and I were back together.

You and John, when I met you,

you helped an awful lot,

because you were completely comfortable

about who you were

and about your sexuality

in a way that would have been unthinkable

for me to be at that time.

You made a decision to leave the Navy,

Yeah, just because I
couldn't stand the stress

of it anymore.

Richard ended up in Australia

after going back to University
and doing a science degree.

It was a whole new life and he flourished.

Now with a PhD,

he's a highly-respected research scientist.

He also soon met someone special.

So suddenly now free
to explore being gay, and you...

- Yes.
- Mmm.

How did you find that?
Was it fun?

It was, it was great fun.

And I think it was only
six months after I joined

the university, I met Kevin, my partner.

Things really did change then because,

you know, I was able to be myself

and form a relationship
with somebody that I loved.

I knew love had to be part of my film

about the fighter,

but was struggling
to find the other character.

One night, I started
chatting to this young,

very sexy-looking guy whose name was Lee.

And he told me that he
was a singer in a boy band.

♪ I want it all
and I want it right now ♪

Sure enough, about a month later

he was on Top of the Pops.

♪ I'm not crying,
now I'm climbing ♪

I remember even, he used to ring me up,

and he was on tour with
a couple of other boy bands...

...and he'd ring me up, and
say, "There's all these girls

screaming outside my hotel."

And I would jokingly suggest

that they were wasting their time.

It was after meeting Lee,

that I suddenly thought
the other central character

for the fighter film should be somebody

who works in the music business.

They were mouthy bastards.

Well, so they deserved
a good kicking then, did they?

They kept calling me queer.

For fuck's sake, Craig,

that's what you are, a queer.

Just deal with it.

That's it, is it?

Deal with it.

Got a magic wand, have you?

Look, me coming down here don't
mean everything is just sorted.

Yeah well, carry on like that,

and nothing will get sorted.

Just want the easy life, don't you?

What do you think I should do then?

Start putting the same crap
up my nose as you.

It was picked up by a distributor,

and the first screening ever
was at little festival,

a little gay festival, in Turin.

There was a guy who
worked in the box office

of the festival,

and we went back to my little hotel.

A fantastic experience

of my first film really making the cinema,

and it was great to share it with someone.

Touring with the film

was a great to meet people
all over the world.

There was the Munich sauna boy,

a black man in Seattle,

in San Francisco, a dancer,

a New York high-flying banker.

You travelled, didn't you?

I went to the biggest club in Scandinavia,

the Scandinavians Leatherman's Club.

Great. I thought I was
going to get abducted.

And it was going away,

overseas to Brazil.

Then the real fullness, wholeness,

whole being, started coming through,

and I thought, "Hey.
This feels really good."

And so I both went off
and sought Christian healing

to deal with the
"homosexual issue" in my life,

and then I was also wandering
the streets of Amsterdam

trying to connect with that.

So, both were happening at the same time.

Back and forth, bang bang.

The television company I was working for

opened a Sheffield office

and offered me a chance to run it.

It was a northern industrial city,

and spending a few years here
forced me to re-think

many of my ideas around sexuality.

The fireman, he was
straight out of a porn film.

He'd tell me about the fires
that he put out that day,

and he liked being screwed,

and then he had to get
back to his girlfriend,

And then after about the fourth time

of him coming round,

he suddenly said,
would it be possible for him

to bring round some lesbian porn?

This sexy, sexy fireman

liked being screwed while
watching lesbian porn.

I have no idea where his head was at.

I distinctly remember thinking,

there's no such thing as bisexuality.

I've changed my mind.
I hasten to add,

and thoroughly enjoyed,

thoroughly enjoyed changing my mind.

But-but, I can remember...

Was that a confession, Paul?

Ah, absolutely.

I completely and utterly thought, "Right,"

, "I'm gay.

I, you know, I'd never
had sex with a woman,"

freaked out at the whole idea,

Met this guy who was married,
who kept saying,

"I've told my wife all about you

and she wants a threesome."

And, finally after a long period of time,

I thought, this is ridiculous.

What am I so scared of, you know?

I can truthfully say, I think
I was more nervous at that

than I have been on anything recently.

She knew that I was technically a virgin.

And I think we roared with
laughter about all of this,

and, in a way, that was
what made it exciting for her.

It was after meeting
this couple that I realized

sexuality was a much more fluid thing

than I've ever imagined,

and it was a wonderful
bisexual I met in Sheffield

who really taught me this,

Brian.

We'd go clubbing together,

and he loved Mozart of all things.

We ended up in all sorts
of crazy situations,

and I remember one weekend Brian came down,

and we'd actually
just taken an ecstasy pill,

and this married couple that
we'd seen a couple of times

texted us out of the blue

saying that they were in a hotel,

and they had somebody tied up,

did we come and join them?

So we did.

He was a lovely guy, he was interesting,

he was vibrant,
and he had some dark demons.

He suffered from depression, and...

he had been abused as a child,

and this had left huge scars.

Over the years, he had his ups and downs.

He tried to kill himself a couple of times.

He eventually got a quite good job,

and he ended up with a nice
circle of friends in Sheffield.

Yeah.

He didn't, he killed himself,

And it was, it was, it was sad.

It was really sad because I'd seen him

about a week and a half earlier,

and I think the saddest thing
is he, and there was,

funnily enough, a performance
of Mozart's requiem.

And I was working really hard,
and I was exhausted

and I said, "Look I just
can't make it but, you know,

you go and enjoy it,
and we'll meet up in London

when you next come down."

My memories of Brian are
somebody who was vital

and wonderful and loving and kind.

I tried to track down all sorts
of people from the past.

I wish I'd been able to find them all.

I even tried to resuscitate old phones.

Sadly, I've lost touch with a lot of them.

But one person I did manage to track down

was Janusz from Poland.

So the old town, it's...

It's, it's actually the young town.

Right, okay.

Of course, it was destroyed to the ground

during the war.

It was rebuilt, but in a different way.

This old city

we can see today,
is a little bit artificial.

I went with Janusz and one of his friends

on a pride march.

It was much more reserved
than London's march,

but still wonderful to see.

Obviously, things have
changed a lot for gay people

in New Zealand and in London.

Have they changed much
for gay people in Poland?

I think, yes.

People for sure are more open.

Most of them, especially the young people,

they are not frightened,

scared about talking about their sexuality.

You're openly gay?

- Yeah, I'm openly gay.
- I mean...

Your parents, they, they know your gay?

Yeah, they, yeah, my parents, my family.

Of course they don't accept it, yeah?

I'm sorry for that.

And that's a bit sad story about my life.

And now, I mean,
you're are in a relationship,

- aren't you?
- Yeah. Yeah.

We met on Starbucks.

That's, yeah, that's kind
of romantic story, yeah.

How long have you two been together?

- Eight years.
- Eight years,

and that's, you're happy?

Yeah.
We are happy.

It's like the old couple,
old marriage couple right now.

We've got dogs, so we've got kids actually.

- ♪ True love ♪
- ♪ Is what I feel for you ♪

- ♪ True love ♪
- ♪ I need it so bad ♪

♪ True love ♪

Marriage?
Are you married?

Yes.

Why did you decide to get married?

Um, well, we love each other.

That's, that was,

that was part, part of it.

A major, major part of it.

Would you ever consider it,

if you met the right guy?

I've actually got a scrapbook at home

with it all planned out.

We watched the legalization,

you know, when they did it,
and we went to the gay bar,

and sort of, watched it on TV.

And then afterwards you did, you said,

you know, "Do you
want to get married?"

- Do you remember?
- Maybe.

But it's also about becoming acceptable

within the straight society is,
you're part of a couple.

You become part of a, of a group of people

who've made a commitment to each other.

So, amongst straight people
suddenly you've become

almost more acceptable.

If you want to get married because

you truly love an individual,

and you want a symbolic
solidification of that love,

then that's fine, that's important,

you should have the right to do that.

But if it's just to, like say,

"Hey, we're just like everybody else,

we're respectable upper crust society,"

no, that's bullshit.

- ♪ True love ♪
- ♪ Come on now, baby ♪

Colin and I were
the first couple in Somerset

to contract a civil partnership,
and in actual fact,

I think we beat Elton John
by a couple of seconds.

We both felt something had happened,

but we couldn't explain what.

But the wonderful thing was,
the number of people,

a small town in Somerset, people
come up, and said.

"Oh, well done.
Oh, I am happy for you."

That wouldn't have
happened once upon a time.

I have a brother

and he had bought
a property in New Zealand;

an old colonial house
that he wanted to convert

into a Bed and Breakfast.

The idea came up that perhaps John,

who'd always wanted to live in New Zealand,

could go off and give that a go,

and see if he liked it.

So he headed off to,
of all places, Rotorua,

this little tourist town,
and I was left in London.

I wondered if a long-distance
relationship could work.

How long were you with Colin?

Fifty-plus years.

What's the secret?

We learnt to love one another.

And you go from lust,

to love,

to very good friendship,
very deep friendship,

and then to pure love.

And it's in that last year,

and his bed was at the end of my bed,

I think it was when you realize
what you are going to lose,

my God, you didn't want to lose him.

You shouldn't ask me questions like this.

It was interesting talking to Alan.

He'd been with his partner for fifty years.

I guess you have to be lucky to
find the right person for you.

I was lucky that I'd found John,

It's a strange relationship we have.

But having him there in the
background is really important.

When he was back in New Zealand

and I was in London,

and it suddenly, it seemed more important

to spend time with him than keep chasing

some crazy dreams of making movies or

yet more men.

So much to my amazement,

I headed back to New Zealand.

♪ When I wanna
See right through you ♪

♪ Flyin', highin',
Freddy voodoo ♪

♪ Lucid dreaming
Magic wonder ♪

New Zealand had changed completely

from the country I'd left
thirty-five years ago.

There was suddenly a thriving café culture,

there were radio stations
that played Kiwi music,

there was a real sense
of its Pacific identity.

And of course, rugby, it's
still the national religion.

But now there was even a gay team.

When Gavin and them
wanted to make up a team,

I came out of retirement
just to play in my thirties

and it was great

because I've always played
for heterosexual teams.

Things have changed hugely.
- Yeah.

And nowadays everybody is equal,

we have gay marriage.

Is it necessary to have something separate?

I personally wouldn't be
involved in a sporting team

if it wasn't for a team like this.

Growing up closeted

or completely afraid of my sexuality,

you have, I guess,
this idea of what it means

to be a gay man,

and it's a world apart from
somebody who plays sports,

particularly rugby, you know?

Like, I guess, I just grew up
under the assumption

that people like me are not
liked by people like that.

And I think one of the
things that's interesting is,

over the years you can roll up
in a totally strange place,

and get to meet people
who live there very rapidly

because you're gay,

and you are meeting them for sex, socially.

But they often do become friends.

Steven was someone
I met in a sauna years ago.

He's now a very good friend.

He's a designer,

and it's always fun
to go round to his place.

I arrive, and find him turning a painting

from some well-known
New Zealand artist into fabric

that clothes the body
of his friend Alibra Fleur

for some exhibition downtown.

The joy of being gay for me growing up,

is being an outsider,

and I embraced a world of outsiders.

Oh, yeah.

And I still live like, I mean,
look around you,

I mean, I still live that way now.

I'm a fringe of a fringe.

I'm not even part of
the mainstream gay community,

I'm on fringe of that even.

But that's what is lovely.

I mean, your place, and coming down here,

and spending the time down here.

- That's what's so lovely.
- Yeah.

I found New Zealand was now full of people

who explored sexuality in their own way.

There was a guy at the cruise club

who liked wearing overalls
while he was having sex.

I even made out with gay farmers.

He owned a large dairy farm,

and would occasionally
just come up to the city

to meet guys for sex at the cruise club.

I kept in touch with him for a while.

One of the things that
I realized coming back

to New Zealand is zero
degrees of separation.

I went on NZ Dating.

This quite sexy young guy,
it turns out he was a musician.

He said that he was in a relationship,

but it was an open relationship.

And that was fine, and he said,

"Oh, you know,
what do you do?"

And I said, "I work in
a television company,

editing and making films."

And he said, "Oh, my
partner does as well."

And of course, it was where I worked.

I guess for me the whole thing
with an open relationship is,

that it only really works if I'm told.

Otherwise it's just,
sort of, this weird secret,

and makes me feel sort of icky.

I was certainly very worried

about coming into work the next morning.

You know, people say they
have an open relationship,

but it's not always true.

And Nathan, he just immediately
diffused the situation

by saying, "Oh, you met
my partner last night."

So I thought, phew!

I do find there are lots
of young gay couples

who somehow desperately
want to have the sort of,

what I call the picket fence.

Well, I flatted with
a couple of guys like that,

and we quite literally had a picket fence

and two dogs.

And it was very much that sort of

clean living, responsible
member of society kind of...

And that's something that, in all fairness,

heterosexuals have to deal with as well.

You know, you have girls growing
up watching Disney films,

so they have this image of the
prince and the princess thing.

And that's a lot of what
I think homosexual culture

is now sort of aspiring towards,

the sort of rom com conventions.

Oh yeah. You see that.
You see it.

Guys saying, "Oh, where's my
prince in shining armor."

It's like, "Who the fuck wants
a prince in shining armor?"

Now when I was eighteen,
I did believe that.

I did believe that the first person

that I would fall in love with,

and I did fall in love
with a person, you know.

The feelings you have
at that moment is okay.

This is going to last forever.

You're just not realistic
about these things.

It's something that
can't be maintained I think,

I believe.

Simon and I started out open.

For the first three years,
we had an open relationship.

One of the problems was

that I just started to get very jealous.

Said to Simon, "Hey, I
think we should close it off

and be monogamous."

And he said, "Okay, then.".
And that's been the case since.

So, it is possible for gay men

to have monogamous relationships?

It is possible.
it is possible.

Just about.

Maybe a little bit of show and
tell at the gym once in a while,

but that doesn't count.

As long as you don't touch,
that's the thing.

Then you have the other side,

like, where it's just so business like.

Okay I'm this, I'm that, I want this,

and I want that.

Come over here now, satisfy me,

there's just no heart in it.

Yes, Grinder.

Yeah no, I must have, like, uninstalled,

reinstalled it, like,
at least over a good hundred,

maybe a thousand times.

Grinder,

what do you think of Grinder,
out of interest?

It's a bit too addictive.

He popped up sixty yards away,

and it turns out he's
shifted into the apartment

right next to mine.

So, he wants to come round when he's horny,

but, ah, he's young,
and he wants it too many times.

The internet has come along,

which has changed the way people meet.

The bars have gone.

I think we have lost, lost a lot,

and we've gained other things.

As a consequence
of having gained acceptance

to some extent, we have,
we have lost something.

I think the heterosexual
community has made us them.

They've homogenized us into
the way that they do things.

The Castro has basically
turned into Gay Disneyland.

You know, they have fuckin' rainbow

crosswalks and all this shit.

And you have people coming in and,

"Oh. Let's gawk at the gays.
Let's go do this and that."

But it's, we're, our sacred
spaces are being

completely eliminated as a result of that.

The sense of community spirit and identity

that was there twenty, thirty years ago

has slowly dissipated.

We had a ghetto for a while.

Partly that was a defensive posture,

and partly it was great fun.

But one of the things
we're gonna have to get used to

in a culture which has decided
that we are now all equal

is that we possibly can't
live in that ghetto anymore.

The Stud has actually
been one of the oldest

gay bars in San Francisco.

They just announced they are going

to have be closing their doors.

You have The Gangway,

which was the first gay
bar in San Francisco,

they have to close their doors this year.

The Lexington closed their doors last year.

The gay culture in the city
really is eroding.

Do you think it's
important to have separate clubs

for gay people to meet in?

I don't, I definitely don't
think we're at a point in,

society where the average
straight guy feels comfortable

being hit on by a gay guy

and is actually comfortable enough to go,

"Oh sorry.
Not gay, moving on."

Do you think it's important to have a place

that's just for gay people?

Yeah, I do,

where gay people can feel free
to make out with another dude

or hold someone's hand
or just dance with someone.

I think that's important.

Would you not feel free to do that

in the places that
you might go with your...

Oh, no.
I would be fine with it,

but I've gone on dates with guys,

they don't want to show any PDA;

not because they are against PDA,

but mostly because they're
scared that that dude

over there is going to beat
them up or something.

Okay, slow down.
Um, my age is now showing.

- PDA?
- Public display of affection.

So, holding hands,
kissing, that sort of thing.

Talking to Michael

and other young people
I met on this journey,

I feel there's still a need
for our own spaces.

Sadly, it's not just in San Francisco

that the clubs and bars are vanishing.

Returning to Soho to film this documentary

was a real shock.

Many of the clubs and bars were gone,

places were just boarded up
or being re-developed.

That's very, very sad that's gone

because we had experiences
which the younger gay people

just will never have.

I was very much for
obtaining equal gay rights.

I'm not sure I actually
wanted to be the same.

We are fairly unique,

and I mourn the loss
of that uniqueness in a way.

You wouldn't believe
how many young gay kids

that don't even know
about their gay history.

And I say,
"Oh, do you need a hanky?"

And they go, "Well, what the fuck is that?

What is the hanky code?
Explain that to me?"

And I'm like, "Well, it was
a way for our gay ancestors

"to talk about what they're into,

and express their kinks,
and go to a gay bar."

You can have a hanky in
your back pocket that's red,

and you say, "Oh, this guy
wants to fist somebody."

My countdown has been a sort of

historical romp.

But, just for fun, I thought,
well we've got to have a top 10.

I've been racking my brains on
who should be in the top 10.

So, I don't know, Ben.

He is definitely top 10.

I mean, he's, like, an escort, and,

yeah, he was good at his job.

Is there lots of money in it?

Oh, yeah, the money is very good.

and it's been recession-proof as well.

People seem to be spending more on sex.

One of the things that people always,

sort of, say is, "Oh, you know,

what happens
when you get old?"

And, you know, gay people
are so fixated on youth.

And I can honestly say

that some of the best sex
that I've ever had in my life

has been with him.

Yes.

There's many a good tune
played on an old fiddle.

I have a gardener who is sixty-one,

and I think he's, you know.

I wouldn't mind.

And, remember, to me, he is a chicken.

Yeah, there are some
really sexy guys on here.

Ah, kinky hot.
That's hot as hell.

Another person on the list

is someone I just call "The Writer".

We've sort of drifted apart

and he's gone off to do other things.

But without him, I wouldn't have been able

to make some of the films that I've made.

One of the things about the top 10,

it's actually about the friendship

more than just the sex.

My times coming to your flat

are times that I really cherished.

And I felt safe, I felt comfortable,

you were a nice man, it was sexy,

all those sorts of...

This is nice.

Keep saying it.
Keep saying it.

There were two people who came to mind

when I thought of you.

Panos, and I've never known his name.

He lived on the council estate nearby...

His name was Paul.

Is he being involved in this?

I can't track Paul down.
I would love too.

- He's on the list.
- Because he was fascinating.

One of the people
I just thought would be good

to have in the top 10

is someone I just call "The Teacher".

He recently married his boyfriend

and they've adopted two children,

and they love being parents.

I didn't think we'd see that kind of change

for a hundred years.

And it's gone, that, that prejudice,

that belief that gays are monsters.

What has happened over the last forty years

is absolutely fundamental
to where we are today.

I'm not saying everything is right,

I'm not saying we've achieved everything,

but we have achieved an enormous amount.

The most amazing thing,
filming gay pride in London

was to see gay Muslims

proudly marching with everyone else.

My friend Brian would
have loved seeing that.

I still miss him a lot,

And Brian has to be in the top 10.

The Club Kid is on here because,

in a strange sort of way,
he's a bit of a fantasy.

Beautiful looking.

I mean, you know, he was a like a model.

Totally closeted.

Playing with this whole
S&M strange relationship.

We almost met up
last time I went over there.

But we didn't meet,

but perhaps better left as a fantasy.

The Club Kid is still an outsider.

Maybe that's why
the connection was so deep.

I literally met this guy in a carpark,

I was sixteen/seventeen.

He was beautiful.
He had long blond hair.

He was the beautiful
surfer dude that I'd seen,

you know, with my mates.

What I actually remember
is that we hugged afterwards,

and it was intense,

and somehow it's made that sex meaningful.

For me, it was always just about

having someone to share everything with,

and tell him all the deep dark
secrets which,

a lot of which don't turn out to be such

deep dark secrets when you're
with the right person.

That's very easy, number one.

I mean, you know, it has to be John.

Ever since I met John,
I never stopped loving him,

and it gets stronger.

I miss him,

perhaps because I don't
spend all my time with him.

But,

I can't imagine life without John.

I love him and he loves me.

And it's his support
that allows me to carry on

making films like this.

It's been an amazing journey.

I've met so many brave,
courageous, and honest people.

I realize, together,
we've been part of a movement

that's changed the world.

I never thought, as a confused,
screwed-up teenager,

that, one day, I'd see a gay Bishop,

or out politicians,

or have such a fantastic boyfriend

to share my life with.

And though many people
still struggle with being gay,

I know there's a fantastic world out there.

Love is always just around the corner,

and in the meantime,

there are hundreds
of wonderful men to meet.

"Nice boy wants another
nice boy to go to bed with

and do everything else with."

"Working Class Hero seeks gay revolution.

Butch and dogmatic."

"Anybody into last resorts
can contact me."

"Young cuckoo seeks nest,
bring own feathers."