100 Girls (2000) - full transcript

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♪ If I ever thought

♪ I can trace it
Back to you ♪

♪ If I go outside

♪ I'm just tryin'
To find you ♪

♪ It's just
A dream I'm in ♪

♪ Just to get
To touch your skin ♪

♪ It's just
A dream I'm in ♪

♪ Tryin' to get
Your attention ♪

♪ Go to my screen

♪ Zoom into me



♪ Wrote a poem
Just for you ♪

♪ Won't rhyme
Until you're mine ♪

♪ It's just
A dream I'm in ♪

♪ Just to get
To touch your skin ♪

♪ It's just
A dream I'm in ♪

♪ Just to get
Your attention... ♪

Matt:
One hundred girls...

and one of them is my true love.

My forever soul mate...

the Betty to my Barney...

my kismetic destiny.

The problem is...

I don't know who she is.

I was leaving a high ball bash



in the girls' dorm.

girl: Can you hit
the basement button, please?

Matt:
My back was to her

when that auspicious
blackout hit.

I never got a chance to see her.

(girls screaming)

Matt: It must have been
the cloak of darkness

concealing my usual
romantic retardation,

because that night...
I was smart,

I was funny, I was invincible.

Matt: Did you ever
notice in that movie

Willie Wonka and
the Chocolate Factory

that the Oompa Loompas
never wore hair nets?

girl: You know what
I really hate?

Those stickers they started
putting on apples.

By the time you peel it off,

you don't want
the apple anymore.

I sometimes wish

I could just curl up
with a girl,

just hold each other,

like that picture of John Lennon

and Yoko Ono.

That is so sweet.

Matt, narrating:
And that's when it happened.

Our tongues tangoed...

and our hands began displaying

their incredible night vision.

Her little breasts
were just the right size

to fill a champagne glass.

(girl moans)

(moans)

Matt: My impressive
manhood in my pants

expanded like Jiffy Pop popcorn.

(popping)

Matt: We never knew
each other's names.

Maybe it was
the mystery of it all

that made it so exciting.

(clock bell chiming)

Matt: In the morning...

(elevator bell dings)

she was gone.

I had to find her.

I didn't get much support
from my roommate, Rod.

What are you getting so bent
out of shape for, man?

I mean...

she's just a girl.

I should have expected
you to say that.

What do you mean?

I mean, you're the kind of guy

who likes those silhouettes

of naked women on
the mud flaps of trucks.

You play video games
while watching

a porn movie on
the picture-in-picture.

You revel in the size
of your dumps.

Hey, Matt!
Heh heh heh.

You gotta check this out.

Yeah, I do do all those things.

This isn't just
another girl, Rod.

I mean, I connected with her.

Before this,
the last intimate encounter

I had with a woman

was when I was five
years old in a sandbox.

I pulled down my pants

and had Vicki pour sand
on my winkie.

At least it's better

than playing
with your shovel, man.

Ever since then,
I've had this burning need

for a woman. I mean,
when I was ten years old,

I liked getting a boner so much,

I stuck masking tape
on my pecker

so that it would stay up
all the time.

I did the same thing,
but I used duct tape, man.

Shut up, all right? I'm
trying to make a point here.

I've never had this kind of
success with a woman before.

When I was sixteen,
I tried talking to girls.

I mean, I had to write myself

cheat notes on my hand
so I had a list of topics

of things I could talk
to the girls about.

girl: What's that
on your hand?

Matthew: Nothing.

My romantic IQ must match
my underwear size,

because I actually showed
the girl my list.

It's a list of things
I could talk to you about.

(laughing)

And I thought I was the
biggest loser of all time.

Yeah, it wasn't
as bad as senior prom,

when I spent $150 on Emily,

and didn't even get
a kiss good night.

So you can imagine how
impassioned I feel now

that I've actually met
this girl.

You're pathetic, man.

I mean, you lose your virginity,

and you don't even get
the girl's name.

What the hell is that?

It's penile power, man.

I mean, I got it out of an ad

in a magazine, you know?

It's gonna help me increase
my length and girth

all just by hanging weights
from my cock, man.

Check it out, man.
I'm up to 5 pounds.

You know, it's the stroker,
not the poker, Rod.

Hey, man, I'm doing this for me,

and like I always say, you know,

the angle of the dangle

equals the cubic of the pubic.

What does that have
to do with anything?

I don't know. I just like
to say it, you know?

But check it out.
This penile power thing?

It's gonna help me, you know,

increase my libido,

help me maintain
a full, firm erection,

and it's gonna help me control

my ejaculation, baby.

So I'm gonna be
doin' it all night long.

And when do you
start junior high?

No, no, man. Look,
I'm serious, it works.

Check this out.
This is kung Chang, right?

Master of penile power.

I mean, look it, right there.

He's lifting 500 pounds
with his penis, man.

Great, that's useful. What,
is he gonna enter himself

in a tractor pull?

Whatever, man.

So what are you gonna do
about this girl, huh?

Uh....

Oh, you know, she left these.

Oh, hey, man.
Let me see that.

(sniffing)

No...

I don't recognize this one.

Hey, give 'em back.

Whoo!

I mean, what are
you gonna do, man?

You gonna boil 'em to
make soup or something?

I mean, you don't want
a girlfriend. Jesus.

(television playing music)

You know, and then
there's the other thing.

You'll be spending
every Friday night

of the rest of your life
watching, you know,

movies that are adapted from
the latest Jane Austen book.

You don't want that, man.

That's pretty cold, Rod.

Listen, man. When it
comes to men and women,

men get a raw deal, you know?

For centuries,
we've been keeling over

ten or fifteen years
before our wives,

and all because of all
the stress we incur

in the workplace, right?

But not once have they
apologized, man,

for all the millions of
years of life we've lost

for working while
women stayed home.

Matthew, narrating:
I couldn't understand

why Rod hated women so much.

I suspected that there
was some great horror

in Rod's past
that made him this way.

You know, man, alls you gotta do

is find the matching bra
to those panties and...

Bam! Mystery solved.

That's not a half-bad idea.

Yeah. Heh.

You're never gonna get into
that virgin vault, man.

They don't let boys in
the girls' side, all right?

No, this'll work.

You're high, man.

On my own testosterone, maybe.

Hey, come with me, all right?

Hey...

Whoa...

What are you doing, man?

Look, Rod, I focused all
my great cerebral powers

to come up with this bold plan

to penetrate the vault, ok?

What are you,
wile e. Coyote,

super genius, or something?

Something like that.

Wait, the coyote never
caught the roadrunner, man.

(screeching)

Aah!

Aah!

Mmm...

Mmm...

(grunting)

Take that!

Gotcha.

Hi, I'm Matt, the new
work study maintenance man.

Um, I got a call
about some rats?

(girl screams)

(door buzzes)

Oh! Oh, no.

Man in the hall!

Matt: Getting
my female suspects

to step out of their rooms

was as easy as giving away

free hair care products
to girls.

It was as if I as
a perverted prince charming,

only instead of possessing
Cinderella’s glass slippers,

I had her panties.

♪ I had it

♪ And I lost it

♪ Now you gotta help me
Get it back again ♪

♪ I had it

♪ And I lost it

♪ Now you gotta help me
Get it back again ♪

♪ I can't believe
A word she says to me ♪

♪ It brings me closer
To insanity ♪

♪ Why can't she
Just understand? ♪

♪ The things she says
Could kill a man ♪

♪ I had it

♪ And I lost it

♪ Now you gotta help me
Get it back again ♪

♪ I had it

♪ And I lost it

♪ Now you gotta help me
Get it back again ♪

girl: I miss you.

What do you mean, you
just want to be friends?

second girl: Get off me!

Put your stupid stuff away, ok,

and give me some, baby.

It's gonna be ok.
Come on, baby.

Jesus, Crick,
can't you see I'm busy?

Put that stupid shit
away, all right?

Crick, get off!

Look, it's time you gave
me some, all right?

Just relax, all right?

Ow! You stapled my ass!

Ow!
What are you doing?

Stop it.

Matt, narrating:
He was going to kill me.

I just hoped to get in
a few verbal punches

before he went Mike Tyson on me.

Who are you?

I'm Matthew.

And your name's Crick,

as in up shit's Crick
without a paddle?

I've seen you around.

You're a natural born hipster.

Natural born hipster?

Yeah, the next evolution
of a jock.

You traded in
your letterman jacket

for a manicured goatee
and a Eurotrash ponytail.

You're the worst kind of cool.

You're the kind of guy
who wears male makeup.

A real fashion plate.

You're living proof
that those boy toy doofuses

in those men's magazines
aren't all rump rangers.

Matt, narrating:
I was a goner,

but better me than her.

What was worse,

Crick was hopped up
on nicotine gum.

A chain chewer,
and he chewed his gum

with his mouth open.

I hated that noise.

It was my kryptonite.

(stomach growls)

What the hell are
you doing here?

I'm here to save her.

Crick: Save her?

How you gonna do that?

Matt, narrating: Crick
wasn't wearing his shirt.

His nipples on his chiseled pecs

stood out like knobs
on an old TV.

I don't know what possessed me.

Probably his incessant
nicotine gum chewing.

But my hands reached out

like they were drawing
twin six-guns.

I grabbed his nipples into
a double titty-twister.

(screaming)

(squeaking)

Matt, narrating:
But somehow,

through his blur of pain,

Crick fought back.

He grabbed my nipples
and twisted.

(screaming)

It was tit for tat.

So we faced each other

locked in nipple combat,

each trying to endure

the wretched pain the longest...

Each of us waiting
for the other to blink.

(growling)

Matt, narrating: Then...

I cracked.

Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha.

I'll be back for your ass!

And I'll deal with you later.

(Crick chewing loudly)

Here, some Midol.

(laughs)

It does the trick
when my nipples get sore

during my period.

Oh, thanks.

Let me see.

Oh...

They're all bruised.

It's like you have
two black eyes.

We should put
something cold on them.

(gasps)

Hey, you're bruised, too.

Don't worry about me.
I'm used to it.

You're Patty, huh? You--

you do that comic
in the school newspaper.

That's me.

An art school girl, huh?

Oh, is that what you call me?

No, I...

I wasn't calling you anything.

In high school, you would
have called me a slut.

Now, in college,
you call me a good time.

You like my skirt,
but you're thinking,

"If her skirt were any shorter,

"she'd have another pair
of cheeks to powder,

and have to put gloss
on another pair of lips."

I--I wasn't thinking
any of those things.

I think you're a nice girl.

Matt, narrating:
I was lying.

I did think all those things.

She may not be perfect,

but she oozed sex more
than a sponge contraceptive.

She had a skanky cuteness

that set off my hair trigger
erectile response.

She got my pecker to strain
like a dog on a leash.

(barking)

What?

What's wrong?

Nothing. I'm sorry.

I'm just trying
to make it all better.

No, I'm all better.

You don't like me.

No. I--

I like you just fine.

You're worried about
what people say about me.

I've never heard anything.

Sure you have.

They say, "If she
still has a cherry,

"it must be pushed back so far,

she can use it
as a tail light."

I've never heard that.

Yes, you have.

My reputation precedes me.

It's ok.

You know, I’m-- I'm all for...

experimentation.

Hey, what are these?

Are these, uh,
are these stress balls?

You know, to relieve tension?

Like, uh,
like Humphrey Bogart did

in that old movie.
What was it called?

You know, he was, like, uh,

"There's three ways to do
things aboard my vessel.

"The right way, the wrong way,

"and my way.
If you do things my way,

we'll get along
just fine."

Those are my ben wa balls.

What?

ben wa balls.

You know, I put them
inside of me,

I rock my legs, and I get off.

Really.

Ok. I'm sorry.

I have to be going.

(balls rolling)

Yo, Matt.

What's the matter with you?

Penile power. Oh...

It seems to be causing
a little growing pains,

if you know what I mean.

So what's plan b,
Mr. Wile e. Coyote?

I'm gonna continue searching
for my mystery girl.

Every day,
between going to classes

and doing homework,

I create a maintenance
problem in the virgin vault.

You know, so they have
to let me in to fix it.

Man in the hall!

(rings)

Matt: Once inside,
I just figure out a way

to get into the girls' rooms.

Hello?

Hello?

Hello, this is
Phil Gamboney calling

from KROK Radio.

Really?

You won the morning prize,
a new car.

Matt: You should have
been there the day

I turned the air conditioner up.

Man, it was a feast
for the eyes.

Rod: Oh, yeah.

Matt: And there was
Cynthia--dessert--

the crème brulée of womanhood.

She loomed as a titan
in my masturbatory dreams.

Cynthia is the perfect example

of the power woman hold
over men.

We are paralyzed
by their beauty.

We are rendered
speechless by it.

If we're lucky to say
anything to them,

it all sounds like gibberish.

You're Matt,

the maintenance guy, right?

(speaking gibberish)

Um, I need some help in my room.

(speaking gibberish)

Matt: I mean, how can a guy
have a real conversation

with a girl like this

when we're made so helpless?

In the animal kingdom,

when two members of a pack
stare at each other,

it is a test of dominance.

The first one to look away
is considered the weaker.

When this happens
between a man and a woman,

the cards are stacked
against a man.

Because let's face it--

every time a guy meets a girl,

he wants to check out
her breasts.

A man must summon all his will

not to look down
at those golden orbs,

whose wondrous tips
were upturned,

aimed right at his eyes.

But once a man loses
this test of nerves,

a woman knows she has a
great secret power over him,

and she can get him to do
anything she wants.

Like a sexual sorceress,

Cynthia had several men
under her spell.

Well, you can use my desktop PC

any time you want all semester.

Cynthia, I have an extra pizza,

and I thought you might want it.

When you're done,
I just need some help

moving some furniture,
if you don't mind.

(speaking gibberish)

Thanks for getting us
Masterpiece Theater.

Strange how all it was
getting was ESPN.

Yeah, it's weird.

Anybody for a game of foosball?

all: No.

Come on, you guys.

Hey, what about you,
maintenance boy?

Come on, you want to play?

Just one game.

I'm talking one game here...

Matt: It's a bad sign
when you meet a girl

who wears no makeup.

Unfortunately, I didn't
heed the warnings.

Arlene suckered me into
a game of strip foosball.

The loser of each goal
will have to remove

one article of clothing.

Prepare to get naked.

girl: Yeah! Whoo-hoo!

Whoo-hoo!

Goal!

Goal!

Goal!

Goal!

all: Beat Matt, beat Matt,

beat Matt, beat Matt,

beat--aah!

I don't know why you girls
get such fiendish delight

in defeating men.

You know, we've been
emasculated our whole lives.

You're just trying
to distract me.

No, I'm serious.

I mean, my mom
taught me who was boss

when I was five years old

and she started spanking
me with a wooden spoon.

Hell, we've been forced
into submissive roles

all our lives.

(all whispering)
Beat Matt--

we might as well be wearing

those little
French maid outfits.

Your dumb stories will
not throw me off my game.

I'm trying to make
a point here, ok?

Let me tell you.

I have never felt more manly

than the day my mother
broke her wooden spoon

over my granite-hard buttocks.

(giggling)

The tyranny of
the wooden spoon was over,

and my ass cheeks
were liberated.

Until today.

I'm kicking your hole.

Goal!

(all cheering)

girl: You can do it.
Kill him. Come on, Arlene.

Matt: My greatest fear
was being realized.

What if one of these girls
is my elevator Aphrodite?

What if she saw me
getting beat by a girl?

It's go time.

♪ You're a bitch

♪ But I love you anyway

♪ Oh, you can't sing

♪ But you still
Put me to sleep ♪

♪ Baby, you're a bitch

♪ Hey, hey,
Hey, hey ♪

Score!

Whoo!

Now, I want to see my trophy.

Oh, no.

Oh, yes.

(all giggling)

(all gasping)

Matt: Thank God I turned
the thermostat up that day.

Otherwise, my manhood
would have recoiled

like a turtle head
hiding in its shell...

instead of hanging out
like an anaconda

waiting for a rematch.

Oh, ooh...

(all gasping)

Rod: Oh, man,
you lost to a girl?

Yeah, and my pride shrank

like my scrotum on a snow day.

Speaking of scrotum,
I think I can, you know,

add on another weight.
Heh heh.

(grunting)

I'm up to 10 pounds, baby.

Heh heh.

Whoo...

(moaning)

You know, I wonder
why God equipped women

with all the weapons
for seduction.

Rod: What do you mean?

Well, take the breast
for example.

You have the bosom,

the areola,

the nipple.

I mean, those are
three concentric circles.

In other words,

it's a bull's-eye.

It's no wonder the breast
is the target for all men.

Wow, that's profound.

And men are grotesque.

I'm not--I'm not
just talking about, uh,

the little habits we have

like cleaning our ears
with our car keys.

I mean, we're
grotesque to the core.

I mean, look at the penis.

The penis-- it just looks like

God had some leftover skin

when he was making the elbow,

and decided to slap it
in our groin--

hey, man, get that out of here.

It freaks me out, ok?

I mean, the penis--

it's the first to shrivel
when it's cold,

it's the first
to shrink in fear.

The penis is a coward.

It's a cowardly flap
of leftover elbow flesh.

Maybe you wouldn't
think that way

if you had a little of
my penile power, baby.

Matt: I screwed up
the air conditioning

in the virgin vault again today.

This time, it's too hot,

so the girls have to strip
down to next to nothing.

I should be getting a call
any time now to fix it.

Do you have any suspects yet?

No, there's too many choices.

Their dorm is a women's
sampler of women.

Yeah...

a virtual potpourri of pussy.

You know, it's more
than just sex, Rod.

I mean, those women
have distinct personalities.

I mean, look over there.

You see that girl? Yeah.

I call her ever tan Barbara.

Hey, who's the girl with
the magic markers up there?

Oh, that's Rene.

She writes cheat notes
on her breasts.

You see next door?

That's Sasha.

She's totally into purple.

Oh, have you seen that girl
at the front desk, Rhonda?

She could be really cute,

except she has
this nervous habit

of picking her eyebrows.

Oh, yeah.
Nice from afar,

but far from nice.

And you know what?
You were right.

There are girls that
watch Jane Austen movies

every Friday night.

You know, the literary world

has a term for those fanatics.

They're called
"Jane-ites."

Oh, my gosh. Let's
watch it tonight.

I'll make the popcorn.

Oh!

Oh, there's this girl, penny.

Have you seen her?
She's always on the phone,

crying with her
long distance boyfriend.

He always wants
to break up with her.

She's on the same floor
as Maureen.

Maureen has a different
hairstyle every single day.

Rod: Yeah, I've
seen her around.

Whoa!

W-who's that girl with
the green slime, man?

You found Dana.

Yeah, she's on
an all-algae diet.

Rod: Oh...

Hey, who's the Hummer on 3?

Oh, that's Michelle.

She sounds like some kind
of Buddhist monk,

don't you think?

(laughs)

Hey, so, um...

you got any more
suspicious suspects yet?

I have that one girl who
never comes out of her room.

See, I staked out her room
and I listened.

I just heard a little bit
of rustling, that's it.

I bet you that's
your mystery woman.

Hurry up,
the movie's at 7:30.

I can't lock the door.

Forget about it.

We're gonna miss the trailer

for Northender Abby.

Matthew narrating:
Saturday nights

were the best for sneaking
into girls rooms.

All the girls went out on dates

or home for the weekend.

And their dorm was
practically empty.

Except for Dora.

She never had anywhere
to go on Saturday night.

I did have to admit
that I'd seen cuter girls

in National Geographic.

I mean, she's the kind of girl

about whom Rod would say:

I wouldn't even screw her

with your dick,
man. Heh heh.

But I felt for her.

(respirator breathing noise)

When you're not good looking,

you become a failure by default.

People treat you like
you have the Ebola virus.

They don't wanna get near you

because they think what you have

might be contagious.

It's cruel.

This women's studies class

is gonna be a breeze.

Yeah, we get to check out
all the pretty girls.

Heh heh.

Oh.

I think we made a
really big mistake.

Today, class,

we are gonna study
patriarchal infrastructures

that exercise gender-based
discrimination.

Who can give me examples?

The pope won't
allow women priests.

And how come it's ok
for a man to be promiscuous,

but when a woman does it
she's called a slut?

Why is it called "his-story"

instead of "her-story"?

Why are women's shoes
always so uncomfortable?

And it's ok for an older man
to go out with a younger woman,

but it's not ok
for an older woman

to go out with a younger man.

Very good.

Would the boys...

In the back...

Would you care to contribute?

You enrolled in my class
to meet girls, didn't you?

There's a couple of you
every semester.

None of you ever last.

Matthew narrating: Great.

I need to maintain
at least a 3.75 GPA

to keep my scholarship.

Now Ilsa,

she wolf of the SS
is gonna make me lose it.

I will enjoy teaching
you boys a lesson.

(crack)

Matt: One Saturday,
I got careless.

Disaster struck

moments after I had to
drain my main vein.

(toilet flushes)

(running water)

Matt: Women have
a sixth sense.

They know when
something is amiss.

They see things that go
undetected to a man's eye.

With just the slightest detail,

she knew that a male presence

had been in the room...

and I was such a fool.

I'd left behind the most
damning piece of evidence.

But this girl
was a forensic pro.

She could have been
trained by my mother.

My eyes! Aah,
my eyes! My eyes!

Aah!

Matthew?

Huh?

It's me, Wendy,
from 11th grade trig?

Remember, we all sat in the back

'cause Mr. Perialis
had such bad breath?

Yeah. Hi.

Hi.

Seriously, I'm looking
for this girl.

If you don't believe me,

you can check
in my right pocket.

I have her panties in there.

I believe you.

So, you're gonna check

every girl in the building?

If I can ever see again.

This is so romantic.

Hey, you know what?
I'll help you.

Yeah?

I'm a sucker for matchmaking.

Coo coo, coo!

I wanted to let you know,

we're gonna be doing

the lights today, ok?

Yeah.
Thanks.

Ca-caw, ca-caw.

(Wendy clears her throat)

Hey, I just wanted
to let you know

that I think your hair
looks really cute,

and that's all.

Ok, thank you. Bye-bye.

Ok. Heh.

Matt: With the help of my
faithful companion Wendy,

I found a match.

I waited impatiently

for my mystery maiden to return.

It was hours.

Finally, my romantic
quest was rewarded.

She was a goddess...

Oh, my God.

more than I could have ever
possibly have hoped for.

I've been waiting so long here,

waiting for you.

I've been waiting so long

because I'm the guy
from the elevator.

Matt: I was
corrupt with happiness.

I immediately declared the
entire jambalaya of feelings

I had had for her.

I think even the word
"love" was used.

I love you.

She kept me frozen in suspense

as I waited for a response.

Needless to say,
my spirits crashed

like some karmic Hindenburg.

newscaster: You must agree
that this is terrible.

This is one of the worst
catastrophes in the world.

Hell on earth!

God! Oh, the humanity!

I can't talk,
ladies and gentlemen.

♪ Hey, brother,
What's wrong? ♪

♪ I'm aggravated

Rod: Stop sulking, man.

Don't you get it?

Women are nothing but trouble.

Great. Here we go again.

Rod: Hear me out, man.

Women complain that
all men want their girls

to look like centerfold
hotties or something,

and it makes them angry

that they have to live up

to this impossible expectation.

But what about us guys, right?

I mean, we have to live
with the disappointment

that our women

won't look like
centerfold hotties.

They ever take that
into consideration? No.

I mean, we've been
conditioned to expect

something that we're never,

ever, ever gonna get.

And what's worse is, men
age better than women.

I mean, while we're getting

better looking over time,

we get stuck with women
who start getting

saggy tits
and start wearing those

bathing suits that cover
their belly buttons.

And then they get those
short, asexual haircuts

and their thunder thighs--uhh!

Making love to a woman
turns a man

into a cellulite surfer.

I mean, who gets

the better end of the deal, huh?

Matt: I wonder what
prom-night succubus

or second-date siren

had instilled him with
such zealous misogyny.

Hey, do you believe it, man?

I've gained a half an inch

since I started
using this thing.

Hey, man.

Where do you start
your measurement

when you, you know,

when you measure your dick, man?

Matt: All right.
I admit it.

I have measured my dick.

We all have.

But the evolved man that I was,

I didn't want to dignify
Rod with an answer.

In your case, from the neck up.

Screw you, man.

So, hey, what you reading?

Matt: I was just
checking to make sure

the paper printed my ad.

You know, I have no clue anymore

how to find
my blackout knockout,

you know, so every week,

I've been taking out
a personal ad

in the school newspaper,

telling my mystery girl

that I'll be waiting
every Thursday night

in the basement
of Virginoff Hall,

you know,
so in complete darkness,

we can renew our relationship

until both of us decide
to reveal our identities.

You sit in the dark
every Thursday night?

Ha ha ha!

You're a sicko, man.

You're--you're a freak.

That's it.
I'm out of here.

All right, man.
Take it easy,

and if she's easy,
take her twice. Ha ha!

Matt: My whole operation
was a romantic bay of pigs.

I'd already spent several
Thursday nights in the dark,

and she had yet to show up.

(door opens)

Hello?

Hey.

It's me. Wendy?

Oh. Hey.

She didn't come, did she?

No. How'd you know
I was down here?

I read your personal ad.

It's after midnight.

She's probably not gonna show,

but I thought you
might want some dinner.

You know, comfort food?

Matt: Wendy was the
übergirl next door,

a testament to why women
are society's cheerleaders.

Everything she did was perfect.

She was arousing in
that virginal "Mary Ann,

not Ginger" sort of way.

This kind of girl is scary.

She's the kind of girl
you take home to mom,

and, even scarier,

she's the kind of girl
you marry,

and she becomes your mom.

She dresses you, feeds you,

leaves notes on toilet seats

telling you what chores
need to be done.

She's scary

because you could just see
yourself falling for her,

but at the same time,

usually if you fall for her,

you're settling for
just the average.

What?

You're just so perfect.

I hate it when people say that.

I don't want to be perfect.

So, my dad had polio
when he was a kid,

and he had this really bad leg,

and whenever he walked,

it made this creepy, like,

thump-thumping noise,

and just super creepy.

I remember him
coming home from work

and walking down
the long hallway

to kiss me good night,

and I was just scared

because all I could hear
was the thumping,

you know,

and so I hid under my covers.

Isn't that sad

to be so afraid of your father?

You know, I was really
scared of The Wizard of Oz.

You know, that Margaret Hamilton

as the Wicked Witch was just
so hair-raising, you know?

And that music?
You know--

♪ Dun-dun-dun dun-nah-nah

♪ Dun-dun-dun dun-nah-nah

That scared me so much.

I'd get so scared, I wouldn't
be able to sleep at night

'cause it got stuck
in my head, you know?

You know, so sometimes,

you know what I do
to calm myself?

I remember that Dorothy
killed the witch

but putting water on her, right?

So, I'd lie in bed,

and I'd work up
this big wad of spit,

you know, like-- (works up spit)

And I knew if the witch
came to get me,

I'd just spit on her,

you know, and she'd melt.

I just told you
a really sad story

about my family,

and that's all you can say?

I'm sorry.

I'm tragically glib.

Matt: Men have this
anti-intimacy force field

around them that is powered

by sarcasm, humor, and aversion.

Why is that?

The force is strong
with this one.

Maybe it's because
a man can fall in love

with a different girl every day.

Maybe this is just nature's way

of protecting a man
from himself.

How do you feel

about the name "Francesca"?

Did you know that Muslim men

shave their pubic hairs?

I mean, no wonder
so many of them

become terrorists.

Ow!

Ow, I can't breathe!

Ow! Ow! I can't see!

Fascinating.

Can you blame guys
for being so horny?

I mean, look at the dress.

It's just one big symbol
for easy access.

♪ At least not yet

♪ But today's the day

Have you ever calculated

how many hours women have wasted

deciding what kind
of shoes to wear?

♪ My heart goes va-voom

♪ Va-va-va voom

♪ Va-va-va voom

Foxy lady!

Trust me, these girls
will get drunk.

They do it every Thursday night,

and they talk about everything

once they're plastered,

so, as Francesca,
try to coax one of them

to reveal that she had
sex on an elevator

in a blackout.

(laughter)

Hi.

Ok, did I ever
tell you about the time

that I got a bloody nose

while giving head?

(laughter)

Once, I got my gum stuck
in the guy's pubes

while giving a blow job.

(laughter)

I've got you all beat.

One time when I was
just about to swallow,

Derek made me laugh, and
it came all out my nose.

(laughter)

Girls are way grosser than guys.

I had a friend who had sex
in an elevator once.

Have any of you ever tried that?

- No.
- No.

girl: I haven't,

but I once had a boyfriend

who liked to rub it
between my toes

then he blamed me

when he got athlete's
foot on his doink.

(laughter)

Francesca's night
was a major bust.

I stunk.

Yeah, well,

maybe you just need to try
something different, you know?

Instead of hoping
for hard evidence

in your romantic suspect,

maybe you should just
get to know these girls.

You might get a vibe
as to which one she is.

You're right.
I do need to do

something I've been avoiding.

I need to lower my
anti-intimacy shield.

If you had a choice,

would you rather be
warm or smart?

Hello?

So, why is bird doo purple?

Isn't American cheese
appropriately named?

You know, it's fake
and processed,

just like America.

Tell me something.

Who's the idiot

who invented the
button-down fly, huh?

There are these dogs

that can sniff out
melanoma in humans

before it's even diagnosed.

Have you ever noticed

that they only give
hurricanes wasp-y names

like, you know,
hurricane Andrew?

You never hear
"Hurricane Giuseppe"

or "Hurricane Mohammed," do you?

What compels older people

to pull their pants up
over their belly buttons?

Why in golf is it good
to shoot under par,

but a sub-par performance
in anything else is bad?

You know what the best
phrase in the world is?

"I'm ready for anything."

Ok.

I can't speak
to Cynthia as Matt.

I start speaking gibberish,
you know, like,

(speaking gibberish)

But I have a silver tongue
with her when I'm Francesca.

Hey, don't knock 'em.

These things are supposed to
get rid of cellulite.

Come on.

Hey, can I ask you a question?

Yeah.

How often do you bikini wax?

Um, every day.

Whoo! Now,
that was a fanatic.

Heh heh!

Hey! Hey, Cynthia!

Oh, my God.
That's him. Ok, look.

He cannot see me
with these pants

and no makeup. Let's go.

Cynthia, wait!
Wait--wait a sec.

I got your term paper!

I even got one
of those plastic covers

so you don't have to!

Ok. Hold on a sec.
I'll come to you.

Come on!

Sam: I'm coming, Cynthia!

Come on.

Cynthia! Cynthia!

So, what was the big deal?

I'm not stupid.

I know I got things easy.

Guys'll pretty much
do anything for me

because of the way I look.

I know that.

And if Sam saw me in this,

I might lose my edge with him.

Kind of like if the green
lantern lost his power ring.

Who?

Never mind.

You're lucky.

No, I'm not.

Yeah. I think
it'd be great

if guys always wanted
to do things for me.

No. It's a curse.

Because, see,

nothing's a challenge for me.

Everything's made easy,

and if I ever actually

do do something on my own,

that everyone assumes
that, you know,

I got there because
of the way I look.

It sucks.

So, ready to go again?

Yeah. Ok.

Uhh!

Whoo!

It's just easier
to talk to Cynthia

as a girl than as a guy.

There's just nothing at stake.

How do you mean?

When you're a guy

talking to a girl like Cynthia,

you're going for
all the marbles.

I mean, she's the
super bowl of women...

and you know, if you screw up,

and she rejects you,

then every other girl
after Cynthia

is gonna seem like a compromise.

And you just know
you weren't good enough

to get a girl like her.

That's why I don't talk
to girls in her league.

I just don't want to know

that I've crashed and burned

and won't ever
get the opportunity

to put her super bowl ring

around my eleventh finger.

(amused laugh)

What are you reading?

Nothing.

It's got to be something.

Why are you talking to me?

I don't know.

It's just quiet around here.

I'm Matthew.
What's your name?

Ghost-face.

What?

Yeah. It's what they
called me in high school.

I'm sorry.

It's ok.
I kind of like it.

It's better than being called

"the poster child for abortion"

or "the girl with
the vertical smile."

I was just trying
to be friendly.

Oh. Well.

Matt: Maybe she could tell

I still thought
she was contagious.

Men want to be quarantined
from unattractive girls.

We put so much emphasis
on physical beauty

that we're afraid to be infected

by one of these girl's
inner beauty.

Let's not have a pity party.

Now, please,
you're blocking my light.

Thanks for getting us

the lifetime channel, Matthew.

Yeah. Thanks, Matt.

It's no problem.

Just don't tell anyone
I pirated it.

It's a felony.

Anybody up for
a game of foosball?

How about you, Matt?

Or are you chicken?

- (clucking)
- (clucking)

Matt: Our grudge match
escalated

into a cold war of words.

Girls are just users.

I mean, look at

the praying mantis,
for instance.

After they're finished
doing the nasty,

the female eats the head
of her male mate.

I should have expected
a remark like that

from someone who thinks a car
is an extension of his penis.

And a purse is an extension

of a woman's vagina.

Score!

Uhh!

Well, at least we aren't
filthy pigs like men.

We're always
picking up after you.

Why are you getting
so worked up?

Are you PMSing
and quitting smoking

all at the same time?

Yeah, that's right.

A woman can never get mad

unless she's having her period.

God, you are so close-minded.

Yeah, but about all
the right things.

Goal!

Two-zip.
Time to strip.

♪ We're better off
This way, she said ♪

A marriage is so one-sided.

Wedding gifts are an
illustration of that.

What do all the newlyweds get?

Kitchen stuff.
That's just girlie crap.

Small trade-off for having
to cook all the meals

for some lazy-ass man.

Lazy? Then,
answer me this, ok?

When you're walking with a girl,

why does the guy

always have to slow down for her

instead of the girl
speeding up for him?

I mean, who said going
slower is better?

It's not.
Going faster is better

and more exercise.

How about that?

Goal.

Uhh!

Well, at least
we don't start wars.

Maybe if we got laid
a little bit more often,

we wouldn't be so damn feisty.

Maybe you'd get laid more often

if you knew what
you were doing in bed.

You've got it easy.

I mean, you touch
a guy anywhere,

and it feels good,

but with a woman,

it's like finding
a needle in a haystack,

and while we're on the subject,

you girls think it's so gross

to go down on a guy,
and when you do it,

it's like a really big deal,

but guys are willing to
go diving for oysters

anytime, anywhere.

We're more willing
to give pleasure.

We're less selfish.

Matt: At this remark,

I thought Arlene would
spontaneously combust.

You are so sexist.

Yeah. You know what?
I am, and so are you.

I am not!

Oh, you sound like
Louis Farrakhan

saying that only the white man

is capable of being a racist,

but you know what?

We all have prejudices--

black, white, male, female.

Goal.

You cheated!

Uhh! You cheated!

How could you do that?

I wasn't even looking!
My God, you cheated!

I did not cheat!

Matt: This was bad.
This wasn't my glorious

ladies of wrestling fantasy.

You cheated!
Admit it!

We didn't lay down any rules!

Matt: Maybe that
was the problem.

There were no rules
between men and women...

and this lack of rules
made girls...

Cheater.

and especially us guys,

like these foosball players,

we had giant steel stakes
through our hearts,

and we're spinning
out of control.

I was just as bad as Rod,

but I finally
had something to say

when I was called on

in my women's studies class.

There's no clearly defined
rules between men and women,

so each side thinks
they're playing fair,

and each side thinks
they're being cheated.

Maybe this is why men and women

have the innate ability

to bring out the poison
in one another.

Rubbish!

We all know there are rules,

rules that are
enforced and imposed

by the contemporary
repressive patriarchy

of western civilization.

(whip cracks)

(marching)

Matt: Saturday,
after midterms,

seemed like an ordinary
Saturday night.

I checked on the girl who
never came out of her room.

Then I noticed that Dora
wasn't in her usual spot.

Dora!

(knock on door)

Dora?

Wow.

Have you girls seen Dora?

No?

Have you guys seen Dora?

She's up there.

Why aren't you doing anything?

She does this every semester.

Matt: I made a silent vow
that I would break the VCR

so those girls couldn't watch

anymore Jane Austen movies.

Let's play whist.

Oh, yes!

Cynthia: I'm up here, guys.

You're doing a really great job.

It's just, like,
one more flight.

- (crash)
- Cynthia: Uhh!

Don't do it!

You know, the first
time I did this,

nobody noticed.

Now, nobody cares.

I care.

Why are you doing this?

'Cause I was born

with the greatest curse of all.

What's that?

I'm ugly, and
I'm also very smart.

You're not ugly.

I know what's in store for me.

No one will ever
have passion for me.

People all around me
will be falling in love

and making love

and getting married

and having kids.

The closest thing
I'll ever have to that

is someone inviting me

to their Christmas dinner

because they feel guilty

I might be spending
the holiday alone.

Or, if I'm lucky,

my male counterpart,

an obese man or
guy with a harelip,

will invite me to coffee,

and we'll pretend
to love each other

and tie the knot

because we're
so desperately afraid

of growing old alone.

Matt: I had a bad feeling

this girl might jump this time.

I felt terrible that
I had treated her

like she had the Ebola virus.

There was something
inside this girl

I wanted to expose myself to.

She was so self-aware,

so sensitive.

Maybe she noticed
a change in me.

Come on. Let's go
back inside.

Only if you admit
that I'm right.

You're probably right.

You didn't have to worry.

I just like to come
up here sometimes

and see what it might be like.

Matt: I found out
what Dora was reading

all those Saturday nights--

D.H. Lawrence, Colette,
and Henry Miller.

"Your Sylvester, yes,
he knows how to build a fire,

"but I know how
to inflame your cunt.

"I shoot hot bolts
into you, Tanya.

I make your ovaries
incandescent."

Wow. Can you imagine

someone being
that passionate for you?

No.

Your turn.

"Your Sylvester is
a little jealous now.

"He feels something, doesn't he?

"He feels the remnants
of my big prick.

"I have set the shores
a little wider,

"I have ironed out the wrinkles.

"After me, you can
take on stallions,

bulls, rams, drakes,
St. Bernards."

Being Francesca has
it's disadvantages.

What happened?

Last night, my roommate
Rod came to find me.

He didn't recognize me
as Francesca.

Wendy: Oh, God.

Jesus Christ.

Matt: So he starts
looking up my dress.

I know exactly what he's doing,

because I do it

every opportunity I get, too.

Oh, no.

Whenever men look at a girl,

they imagine her naked.

(wolf whistle)

Matt: So, that's
what he's doing

to me right there.

I felt... violated.

I know the feeling.

Yeah. You know, it's
no wonder that women

have to be the
gatekeepers of sex

with the way men are.

I mean, women could
initiate the commingling

of male and female bodily fluids

whenever they want.

Guys are just simply always

willing to volunteer for sex.

Their attitude towards it

is like putting jam
into a jelly doughnut.

I tested the concept with Rod.

(mouthing words)

So, what do you want
to do about it?

What are you talking about?

(laughs) You just said,
"I love you."

No. You got me wrong.

I said, "olive soup."

What?

Olive soup.

(exhales)

So, he was all ready
to do it with you?

Yeah. That just proves

that men are totally
irresponsible

when it comes to
genital gymnastics.

I have this theory...

that has to do with shopping.

Shopping?

Well, sure, right?

I mean, women have
more practice at it.

They can go into a store

and circle something
and circle something,

and they won't even buy it.

Right? They're learning
self-restraint.

Men, on the other hand,

we only go shopping

when we know exactly
what we're gonna get.

Men and women treat sex
the exact same way.

There's some validity
to your theory.

Yeah. It's not only sex.

I mean, women
are more responsible

about everything.

The fact of the matter is

is that women
really rule the world.

Thank you.

Yeah. The irony of
the situation, though,

is that women are not put

into recognizable
positions to do so.

I mean, they have to
carry out their work

like the French underground.

Men are just afraid

of putting women
into the workplace

because they understand
that eventually,

women will rise to their
proper levels on top.

I think you're right.

I got a double cookie
for you right here.

Thank you.

Mmm...

Mm-mmm...

Mmm mm-mm-mmm.

Care to come in and share
a bowl of captain crunch?

Matt:
Patty had a way

of even making the word
"Captain Crunch" sound sexy.

Nah. I--
I have work to do.

Look...

Don't be afraid.

I know you like
some other girl than me.

Here, have some.

It's the original.

There's some syrup to
put on it, if you want.

That's how I like it.

How do you know
I like some other girl?

By the way that you look at me.

And how is that?

There's a certain way

a man stares
at the woman he loves.

The man looks like a boy
on his birthday

and he treats the woman
as if she were a gift

that he's waited so long to open

and now he can't wait

to see what the treasure
is inside.

You don't give me that look.

Matt, narrating:
You know how captain hook

could always hear
his Nemesis the crocodile

from the tick-tock of
his clock in the crock's belly?

Well, that's the way it was
for me with Crick

and his nicotine-gum chewing.

I knew I would
find you two together.

He was all hopped-up
on nicotine gum.

I had to find a way to
get Patty out of there.

I decided
the best way to do that

was to focus his testosterone-
enhanced wrath on me.

You know something, Crick?

I was wondering...

do the bad guys of the world

really know they're being bad,

or do the bad guys

actually just think
they're being good guys

when, in fact, they're just
acting like sphincters?

I don't know.
You tell me, smart guy.

So you really think
you're a good guy?

Yeah. I know I am.

See, you're the one who's
trying to steal my chick.

I'm the cool one.

Cool?

Oh, that's another thing
that just bothers me.

I was just reading that one
in six people in the world

think they're cool.

What is that, like,
a billion people are cool?

That just can't
possibly be right.

If everybody is cool,
then, really, nobody is cool.

You don't know what you're
talkin' about, guy.

(chuckles)
Look at you.

I mean, the modern-day media--

the magazines, the TV--

they show us what coolness is

so that you ponytail pretenders

can go out there and
buy coolness, thus...

fooling the weak-minded
and unsuspecting.

I've had enough of you, buddy.

Ha ha ha ha!

Get off me!

We'd never win
this fight with Crick.

I only had one,
desperate chance.

(stapling)

Oh! Bastard!

Oh!

Ok! Let's go!

Get the hell off me.

God damn!

Ah!

Bastards!

What the--unh!

Punk--uhh!

Uhh!

Ok, I think we ditched him.

Oh...

(sobbing)

Patty!

Patty!

Patty!

Patty!

Patty!

(wham)

(wham)

(wham)

What was that?

My ben wa balls.

You had them in there

when you were
eating your cereal?

Yeah. It's incredible.

(chuckles)

(wham)

(wham)

(wham)

(wham)

There you are!

Matt, narrating:
I was a dead man,

but then fate intervened.

Huh?

Hunh!

Oh!

Ah... oh...

Ah...

Whuhh!

After Crick
hobbled away in pain,

we were still drunk
with laughter

and fat with glee.

I guess that's
what made me do it.

Patty came onto me again,

and I succumbed.

I tried to rationalize it.

I thought maybe I
could learn from her,

maybe this was why God
made women like this

so that sexually impaired
idiots like me

could have something
to practice on.

At this moment,
she wasn't a slut.

She was a luscious voice
of experience.

Ha ha oh... Yes!

Yes. Yes!

Yes! Oh, yes!

Oh, yes!

Oh, sweet leaping Jesus!

I also figured that
nobody on their deathbed

looks back and says,
"I wish I'd made love less."

Eh...

we didn't make love the way
they do it in the movies,

you know, where the guy just
slides in-between her legs

like a hot knife through butter.

No. This was like real life.

No.

No, no, not that hole.

I--I can't get it in.

Are you sure there's not
another ben wa ball in there?

No. Here.
Let me help you.

Ahh...

No. We didn't
make cinema love.

Ah-choo!

We made the kind of love

where you just laugh together,

and your bodies make
that farting noise

when air gets trapped
in-between you.

(puhhhhht)

Ha ha ha!

Patty taught me things.

Hey, hey...

you don't have to
kiss me the whole time.

It seems like you're kissing me

just to avoid looking at me.

Look into my eyes.

Concentrate on me.

Concentrate on us.

I'd only done it twice,

but now I could articulate
why men love sex so much.

Because while you're doing it,

you feel like you're
as good, if not better,

than every other man.

Oh, yes!

The feeling of that
velvet axle grease

makes you know that you're
on the correct path...

Oh, Madonna mia!

that everything
is right in the world.

(Size 14 sings Superbabe 2000)

Oh...

♪ 2000

Ha ha ha!

♪ A superbabe

Ha ha ha!

- Ha ha ha!
- ♪ 2000

♪ She's a superbabe

Ahh... ah!

♪ 2000

Oh!

- Oh!
- Oh!

Our transcendent fusion
was not the romantic type.

It was just fun.

♪ 2000

That verified my experience
with her was not serious

and nothing cosmic.

I used her.

I feel terrible.

Eh, don't worry about it.

I tell you I'm up to
15 pounds over here?

I treated her like she was
my sexual training wheels.

Something I used while
learning to ride the bike

that I'll just discard
when I no longer need them.

And what if that girl
from the elevator finds out?

Huh? She's gonna think
I'm a total dick.

Aw, man...

it's your manifest destiny
to nail her, you know?

I mean, in every species,

it's the male's
overriding function

to perpetuate his line.

I mean, why should it be
any different for you?

You should embrace your destiny,
not deny it.

How are you gonna get by

with this attitude
towards women, Rod?

I'm gonna get rich

and then get me one of those
little wife whores, you know?

Give her a nice car,
bunch of credit cards,

lots of cash, stuff like that,

and in return, you know,
she'll take care of the kids

and give me sex on demand.

What is your problem?
I mean, what happened

to make you hate women so much?

There's no problem.

Something had
happened. I knew it.

There was definitely
a horror in Rod's past,

and it was definitely
an encounter with the monster

that Rod called woman.
Aah!

Come on. What's
your horror story?

There's no story, man.

Hey, you're the one that's
got the problem with women,

not me, you know.

Maybe if you tried this thing,

you wouldn't be so nervous
around them all the time.

Not only has my main man
girth increased,

but so has my virility,
baby. (chuckles)

Just the other day,

I boned this girl
all night long.

Yeah? What girl?

Huh?

Francesca.

Yeah, right.

Oh, man, yeah.
She's--she's doable.

In your dreams.

No. She's didable, man.

I'm tellin' you.

We had sex all night long.

She may be ugly as sin and all,

but I ain't complainin'.

Yeah, I'm sad, but happy.
Heh eh-heh...

Matt:
God, I hate guys.

Ah... fuckin' yeah.

Ow!

Dick!

More than half a semester
had passed

and my debutante of the dark,
my doll of destiny,

hadn't presented herself.

I had almost lost all hope
when something happened.

Matthew?

You're here!

Oh, my God!

You know my name.
That's wonderful.

Stop trying to find me.

What?

I don't want you to find me.

Can we talk about this
for a second?

There's nothing to talk about.

I don't like you.

Uh, wait. Can you...

Wait--hey, wait.

(ding)

I chased her like
I was Popeye Doyle

chasing that train in
The French Connection.

- (panting)
- (engine races)

(tires screech)

(engine racing)

(screech)

(crash)

- woman: Oh!
- Matt: Got you!

Oh...

(ding)
I'd lost her.

Do you wanna talk about it?

No, I'm ok.

Matt: My anti-intimacy
force field

was on auto-pilot.

Come on. It might
make you feel better.

I was feeling so bad, I decided

to put the anti-intimacy
on manual. I lowered it.

Tell me about it.

I figured she had a boyfriend,

you know, or she was
drunk that night

and she didn't remember.

You know, or I deluded myself

into thinking that she thought

I was some pre-med
or pre-law Adonis,

you know, that wouldn't care

when I found her.

I never thought

it was because
she didn't like me.

Well, maybe there's
another reason.

I don't think so.

I just should have figured

it had something to do with me.

Testosterone must
really fuel the ego

because I have stored
up plenty of both.

I'm just a big steaming
pile of loser.

What do you think I am?

It's midnight,
and I'm cleaning my room.

Is your mom comin'
to visit tomorrow?

Yeah, you guessed it.
(laughs)

How do you get along
with your folks?

In ninth grade,

I wanted to read
these James Bond novels.

My mom wouldn't let me read them

unless my father cut out
the sex scenes, and...

she said, you know,
"Things like that

don't really happen
in real life."

And they certainly
wouldn't happen to me.

The next year,
I had to get glasses,

and I begged my mom

to let me get contact lenses.

I said, "If I get glasses, mom,

I couldn't be handsome
like James Bond."

She just never let me feel

like I could be sexy.

I still feel that way.

God. You know,

parents are always trying
to turn us into something

that we don't wanna be.
I mean,

I wish I could be more

than my parents' perfect
little girl, you know?

I just--aah!

(chuckles)
Hey,

kinda looks like fun.

No, wait.
Only I'm allowed to.

Now we're even.

Really.
(laughs)

♪ If I ever thought

♪ I can trace it
Back to you ♪

♪ If I go outside

♪ I'm only tryin'
To find you ♪

♪ It's just
A dream I'm in ♪

♪ Just to get
To touch your skin ♪

♪ It's just
A dream I'm in ♪

♪ Tryin' to get
Your attention ♪

♪ Go to my screen

♪ Zoom into me

♪ Wrote a poem
Just for you ♪

♪ Won't rhyme
Until you're mine ♪

♪ It's just a dream I'm in

♪ Just to get
To touch your skin ♪

(bell tolls)

Hi, mom.

This is Matt.

Matt: Finals were nearing,

and so was the end
of the school year.

I was running out of time.

Look what it did

to my Pride and Prejudice tape.

This is a catastrophe.

Matthew: I had
one last chance.

One last strategy.

(hums)

If I improve myself,
I mean, doing more

than just keeping
my fingernails trimmed

for going to third base,

maybe my kismetic destiny might
change her opinion of me.

She was out there
somewhere watching me.

I decided the first step
in my taking

a scouring pad to my soul

was to make
peace in the gender war.

Another point, pussies?

Forget it.
I'm outta here.

Oh, come on. Just one
more game. Come on.

Hey, I'll play.

Matt: I was amazed
by how well

Arlene and I
complimented each other.

Arlene had a soft touch,

knowing just where to set me up

which let my power game
do its magic.

She was
an excellent cheerleader.

She never got pissed
when I blew a point.

That's ok.
That's all right.

You're doin' good. You'll
get it next time. It's ok.

Matt:
My balls-out energy

drove her to new
performance heights.

Come on, Arlene.
Smoke 'em. Smoke 'em.

all: Yeah!

Matt: It's like our
masculine and feminine sides

brought out
the best in each other.

Let's do it.
You can get 'em.

You can do it.
Come on.

Matt: We went together
like yin and Yang.

Potato chips and soda.

Men and women.

Because Crick and his buff buddy

had the same styles,

they often collided.

They were missing something.

They had the power,
but no strategy.

There was too much
ego on their side.

They spent more time
fighting each other

than battling us.

You keep your arm
on the side of your goal!

That's game, guys.
And match.

Now drop 'em.
You cheated!

(girls laugh)

girl: Let's see those
trophies, boys.

Come on, let's see 'em.

Girls, it's just because
it's cold in here.

It's freezing, I swear!

Oh, yeah.

(all laugh)

Matt: I know
sometimes you think

guys like me can
be pigs, basically.

Forget it. I get a little
sensitive sometimes.

It comes from growin' up
with six brothers.

No, I know, but listen.

I mean, I wanna
tell you something.

It's hard for me sometimes

to figure out how to be a man.

What do you mean?

I can blame my father
a little bit for that.

My male role model.

My dad loves ice cream so much,

he'd do anything to get it,

and more than once,
you know, I'd watch him

running out in
the middle of the street

in his underwear after
the ice cream truck.

How is that supposed
to teach me to be a man?

Right? You know,
back in the day,

boys would go out
with their fathers

in the field and work,

or they'd take a weekend
and they'd go hunting.

At their father's sides,
boys learned to be men.

But with the coming
of the computer age,

boys are just left at home

and the fathers
are at their offices.

There's no more
apprenticeships left.

You know, so where
does that leave us?

Well, it leaves me in the street

looking at my father
in his underwear

eating an ice cream sandwich.

Some role model.
Right.

If I'm not able to grasp

what it is to be a man,

how am I supposed
to understand women?

I wouldn't say that.

I think you understand women
better than most men.

Thank you.
Mm-hmm.

(clink)

Matt: I love women.

I love those Ember pools
masquerading as eyes.

Lips. I love smiles.

And the yawns.
The eating.

With skin so soft, women
are head-to-toe cashmere.

A woman's skin
inspires a man's fingers

to have Magellan's
love of exploration.

It's women's bellies
that drive me wild.

It's more than just the fact

that it's the only part
of a woman's body

you can easily see naked.

The belly hints
at the pleasures beyond.

You're so near and yet so far.

Everything about a woman
draws you to her sexuality.

The small triangle
between her legs

is like the head of an arrow

which points go here!
Go here!

Or if you follow

the graceful line
of the pectoralis major,

it inevitably draws your eyes
to the golden orbs

climaxed by the nipple.

God is in the details,

and the nipple
is his greatest detail.

Dora loved the video
I made of her,

but I couldn't take the credit.

I told her that 95%
of directing is casting.

See? You're beautiful.

So, Cynthia, why aren't you
out on a Saturday night?

- Oh.
- (glass breaks)

Because my face got
flattened like road kill

after the couch fell on me.

Sorry.

Matt: It was weird

that I felt comfortable
talking to her

now that her looks
didn't distract me.

She was the same girl, really.

So, what are you reading?

World Religion and Us.

This guy was supposed

to give me his notes
after class,

but he never called me back.

You know, I was reading

about these religious scholars

that were looking
back in biblical times,

and they found out
that the phrase

"walking on water"

really meant
walking by the water.

Isn't that interesting?

So, perhaps Jesus didn't perform

any of those miracles at all.

We just thought he did
because we made

a mistake in the translations.

I hear ya,

but you know
what's really messed up?

I mean, God loves us, right?

Then why does he let

bad things happen
to good people?

I don't know.
I guess just

God has a plan for
everybody, right?

Yeah.

Yeah, well, his plan
for me sucks!

(crash)
Whoa.

Wow. You've got
strong legs.

(sighs)

Matt: I had been
avoiding Patty for a while.

I didn't know how to handle it,

but I was thinking about her,

so Francesca
went to hang out with her.

So, what do you think

about that
maintenance guy, Matt?

He's not my type, really.

Well, how's that?

I don't know. He just sort
of seems distracted to me.

(chomping)

Matt: It was then
that I heard

the telltale cracking
of Crick's nicotine gum.

Patty, I just heard

what you've been doin'
with Mr. Fixit.

Can we please just
talk about this later?

No, we'll talk
about it right now!

Please, just let go of me!

Let go! Patty, go!

What are you doing?
You musclin' me too, huh?

Looks like it's just
the two of us, huh?

Huh? Now, relax,

and we'll get along just fine.

Oh, do we sweat, too, huh?

Everything will be fine,
ok? Just relax.

Matt: Crick was chewing
his nicotine gum in my ear.

Like kryptonite,
it drained any superpowers

I had left in my body.

All that kept
going through my mind

was what the mighty Crick
had in store for me.

Yeah, yeah, you like it?

'Cause I'm gonna give it
to you good, yeah. Yeah.

(laughs)
Now, give us a kiss.

Matt: I had to do something.

This was not the night

that this little girl,
Francesca,

was to become a grown woman.

Aah!

(screams)

Matt: I read later
that 4,000 women a year

are murdered by their
boyfriends or husbands.

I don't understand women,
but for a moment,

I had an inkling about
their feelings towards men.

I didn't tell anyone
about what happened.

I was too ashamed.

And if that wasn't bad enough,

I discovered Rod
choking the chicken

to the video I had made of Dora.

What happened to your dick?

Oh. It's called
hypospadias.

It's where the hole
in your dick, it's...

it's not on the tip,
but it's, you know,

it's underneath.

Spooky.
It's kinda like

having your mouth
below your chin.

Yeah, sorta.

Hey, hey, don't--

don't tell anyone, all right?

I mean, especially those girls

you been hangin' out with.

I mean...

I showed it to a girl once

and she-- she freaked out.

Matt: It was then
I realized

this was Rod's horror.

Aah!

(screams)

(screams)

I haven't whipped it out

in front of a chick ever since.

Wow.

So, how do you pee?

Oh, well.
(laughs)

I usually, you know,

uh, lift it up real high, or...

you know, if I'm lazy,

I'll just kinda

give it a twist or somethin'.

Matt: So, this is what
it was all about.

The penile power was a way
to prove his manhood,

and to build himself up,

Rod had to run down women.

Men are so insecure about
their masculinity.

What pathetic creatures we are.

You must think I’m
a total faggot, don't you?

No, no, not at all.

Did you ever see
the James Bond flick,

The Man with the Golden Gun?

Yeah, what about it?

Remember how Scaramanga
had that third nipple?

Yeah, so?

It was called
the superfluous papule.

Yeah, yeah, yeah,

and Bond had Q make
a fake one so he could

get into Scaramanga's
hideout, right?

You're missing the point.
The third nipple

was supposed to be
a sign of sexual virility.

All right, so maybe your penis

doesn't make you
an elephant man.

Maybe it makes you a Superman.

(laughs)
Cool.

Matt: I had learned
something

from Rod's groinular fixation.

His horror really was
my horror, too.

It was every man's horror.

Deny it we may,

but we are all afraid of women.

Every single one of them.

Time had run out.

Finals were in a week.

Soon, everyone would
be leaving the dorms,

and next semester,
some would relocate

to off-campus housing.

If I had any hope

of finding my kismetic destiny,

I had to face my greatest fear.

I went to the virgin vault,

and I declared my love
in front of one hundred girls.

I'm Matt.

Matt: I explained
everything I had done

for my kismetic destiny.

My speech must be
my Sistine Chapel.

My Ninth Symphony.
My Citizen Kane.

My words needed to be
more inspirational

than Martin Luther King's
"I Have a Dream" speech.

They had to be more miraculous

than Mark McGwire’s
70th home run.

I used impressive words
like "destiny,"

"soulmate," and "yearns."

It takes a big man to yearn.

I poured my heart out.

Without you,

I'm as lonely as
an abandoned dog

on the side of a highway.

I have gift anxiety, even though

I don't know
when your birthday is.

We can spend perfect days

shopping and cooking together.

(laughs)
I swear

I'll never make wisecracks

when you scrape your tires
against the curb

while parallel parking.

If you can stand
to live with me,

I'll clean the toilet
every week.

I'll do it with my tongue
if you ask.

I will strike
the words "hooters"

and "love rockets"
from my vocabulary.

I'll love you

even if your name's Mimi

and you want me to
pronounce it Mae Mae.

I will only pass gas
underneath the covers

and only in the direst
of circumstances.

You know, I'll go on
a low cholesterol diet,

and I won't buy one
of those red sports cars

when I hit my mid-life crisis.

Your parents can come
visit us every week,

even if your mom is a big witch

with a capital "B."

You know, and your folks

don't have
to go to a retirement home

because they can come
live with us.

I declare, I will separate
the whites from the colors.

I'll learn the mysteries

of hot water
and cold water washes.

I'll never huff and puff

while waiting for you
to put on your makeup.

If you're a cat person,

I'll never point out the fact

that a dog could save
your life from drowning

but a cat can't.

(laughs)

I will happily go see
chick flicks with you

like Pride and Prejudice.

I'll make a point
to try new foods

like okra gumbo.

I won't curl my nose
at vegetables

whose awful taste is disguised

by having cheese put on it.

I pledge to always say yes
when you ask

"Is my hair
looking ok tonight?"

I'm gonna bring
a whole new meaning

to the word "cuddle."

I'll be thoughtful enough

to read your horoscope
every day.

I'm gonna save every
birthday card you send me,

and I'll actually write you

real letters when we're apart.

I'm never gonna expect you

to know
where I left my car keys,

and I'll never leave
my socks on the floor.

With me, you'll find

the cap is always
on the toothpaste.

I'll start wearing

those male bikini
underwear if you like.

My belly button
will always be lint free.

I wanna full on kiss
your clitoris.

It'll be the most passionate,

intimate experience
you've ever had.

I declare now I will
give my life for you,

and if you fail to come to me,

I know some part of me
will surely die.

I'm the one, Matt!

No, I'm the one!

No, I'm the girl
from the elevator.

Shut up! I'm the one!

I'm not the one
from the elevator,

but I'll go out with you!

Matt: Oh, my God.

I could have my choice
of any girl.

Whoever I wanted
could be the mystery girl.

(all scream)

I knew it would eat me up inside

if I didn't find my true
kismetic destiny.

I would always wonder
what might have been.

It was her!

I knew it!

My heart and my feet
raced to the door

of the girl who never
came out of her room.

There she was.
My once and future love.

I'm not the girl.

I think she's
a couple doors down.

Patty, I know it's you.

Go away.

Patty.

You fell in love

with another girl
in that elevator.

I'm not that girl.

I fell in love with you.

No, you didn't.

I tried to make you
fall in love with me,

but you were in love with her.

Matt: Why do you
think that?

By the way you look at me.

Go away.

Is that what you really want?

Yeah.
That's what I want.

♪ Now, this wanderin'

♪ Has got me nothin'

Hey, buck up, man.

It looks like you got weights

danglin' from your dangler.

Smile.

Matt: It wasn't my dangler
that had weights on it.

It was my heart.

(hums)

(laughs)

Hey, check it out.

The bust got busted.

It was only my first time.

I swear. Dad--

I told her not to use
water soluble ink.

I knew her cheat notes

would sweat right through.

At least Cynthia's having

a good ending to her semester.

She found something
she's genuinely good at.

That's the damndest thing.

Those heavy anti-celluloid packs

really built up the strength

in her legs, you know?

If you were an
actual attacker...

it would look
somethin' like that.

She could kick some ass!

Matt:
Her judo coach says

he's never seen
anything like it.

Ok, and that concludes

the martial arts demonstration

for the night.
Thank you.

(applause) Great.

The last day of class,

I dropped the bomb on Elsa,
she wolf of the ss.

Ms. Stern,
I'm sick of coming

into your class
three days a week

and being told that
my sex is responsible

for all the problems
in the world,

and you don't even give us
any room for question.

I think part of
the problem is feminists.

There's just too many
"ists" in the world.

Feminist, chauvinist,
capitalist, communist,

racist, sexist...

These are all groups
that fight one another

instead of trying
to understand one another.

I think the only "ists"

there should be are humanists.

Yeah, I agree with Matt.

- I applaud him.
- (applauds)

(class applauds)

Matt: Elsa
couldn't respond.

She just stood there,
as if she heard

the distant roar
of the allied bombers

coming to destroy
her propaganda machine.

(all applaud, cheer)

(knock on door)

(knocks)

Matt: Without his tongue,

Crick sounded like he was
mentally challenged,

and although Crick would never
sweet talk a girl again,

he still needed to be
accountable for his actions.

Come on!

I made the ultimate sacrifice

a man can make to get rid
of Crick forever.

You're not gonna
bother her again.

You go to hell.

I'm turning you in.

What for?

Matt: I fought
through the shame

to bring out the truth.

I'm going to the police.
You sexually assaulted me.

You'll never prove it.

Matt: My bravery
inspired others.

He did it to me, too.

Me, too.

And me.

Matt: Together,
we put Crick away.

Matt: Wendy had
a big confession.

I'm a lesbian.

Ooh.

Why didn't you tell me?

I was afraid of what
people might think.

Especially my parents.

Well, why are you
telling me now?

I think I can deal with it now.

You know, that's why I initially

helped you with your search.

I was hoping that

while you were out
finding your girl,

you might find one for me.

(both giggle)

Matt: So I fixed
her up with Arlene

who I discovered a few days ago

practiced an alternative
lifestyle, too.

Mmm.
(giggles)

Matt: It was a big week.

I also found time
to fix Dora and Rod up.

Their night together
was electrifying,

and they've been
together ever since.

Matt: I don't know
what it was.

Maybe it was the romantic
power of candlelight,

but I decided to give it
one last try.

♪ I've been watchin' you
And all you do ♪

♪ For quite some time

♪ Knowing all the ins
And outs of you ♪

♪ I should've known
What was on your mind ♪

♪ But all the world
Is spinning round and round ♪

♪ Inside my head tonight

Matt: I remembered
what Patty talked about.

There's a certain way

a man stares
at the woman he loves.

A man looks like a boy
on his birthday.

He treats the woman
as if she were a gift

he's waited so long to open,

and now, he can't wait
to see what treasure is inside.

♪ Don't let
This end tonight ♪

♪ 'Cause I'm startin'

♪ To fall

♪ So let me in

♪ All that
I wanted from you ♪

♪ Was something
You'd never do ♪

♪ So let me in

♪ Oh, please, tonight

♪ 'Cause I'm startin'
To fall ♪

girl: Look,
they got together.

It's nice.

Patty:
Oh, sweet leaping Jesus!

Captioning made possible by
Trimark Home Video

♪ Can you see
What I am seeing ♪

♪ Now that I am on my own?

♪ I can't explain
The way I'm feeling ♪

♪ I question everything I know

♪ I can't believe
What she said ♪

♪ It went straight to my head

♪ I'm lacking inspiration

♪ Where's my inspiration?

♪ I had it and I lost it

♪ Now you gotta help me
Get it back again ♪

♪ I had it and I lost it

♪ Now you gotta help me
Get it back again ♪

♪ I can't believe
A word she says to me ♪

♪ It brings me closer
To insanity ♪

♪ Why can't she
Just understand ♪

♪ The things she says
Could kill a man? ♪

♪ I can't believe
What she said ♪

♪ It went straight
To my head ♪

♪ I'm lacking inspiration

♪ Where's my inspiration?

♪ I had it and I lost it

♪ Now you gotta help me
Get it back again ♪

♪ I had it and I lost it

♪ Now you gotta help me
Get it back again ♪

♪ Oh, I can't take it

♪ I'll never make it

♪ The things she says
Are bringing me down ♪

♪ I had it and I lost it

♪ Now you gotta help me
Get it back again ♪

♪ I had it and I lost it

♪ Now you gotta help me
Get it back again ♪

♪ I should've known

♪ You turn you head
And you sneeze ♪

♪ When love
Walks in the room ♪

♪ How could I know?

♪ Like looking for the sun

♪ And it finally shows
We're dressed ♪

♪ In shadows

♪ Must be a hundred girls

♪ But I only need one

♪ I know there's
A million stars ♪

♪ But I only see one

♪ Dream me a thousand dreams

♪ If they're all the same

♪ In shadows

♪ In shadows

♪ In shadows

♪ There must be a hundred girls

♪ But I only need one

♪ I know there's
A million stars ♪

♪ But I only see one

♪ There must be a hundred girls

♪ But I only need one

♪ I know there's
A million stars ♪

♪ But I only see one

♪ In shadows

♪ In shadows

♪ In shadows

♪ If they're all the same