00 Schneider - Jagd auf Nihil Baxter (1994) - full transcript
Detective 00 Schneider has to return from retirement to catch a mad art collector.
Getting upset, I'm getting upset.
The red light does not turn - off.
How can you sell me
sell such a car?
Fan does not work, cooling
does not work, nothing works.
Can look at the road.
That lousy sad clown!
That fucking Metulski!
I want my money back.
What?
You dear sculpture?
You ride with me!
Haha, I'll give you a ride!
Yahaha.
I take my
favorite sculpture with me.
------------------------------------------------------------------
Phew, this is exhausting!
I should have been a pop singer.
------------------------------------------------------------------
Where is he?
where is he?
Hello, father!
You come to visit me?
Yes!
How is it going?
Good.
How is your car?
Oh, I sold it.
The old scrap mill?
Did you still get money for it?
Hahahaha
There they go again,
the fine gentlemen.
Ha, and I'm doing the crap work.
Shit!
How does this look like in here?
Such a rotten thing.
Unbelievable!
Nothing has been done here for weeks.
What a nasty thing to do!
I'll get you a rag.
My own son.
Degenerates in the dirt.
Unbelievable, I can't believe it.
Then he sells the old jalopy.
I hope he doesn't get
into trouble for that.
Give me a rag!
Coming!
That I can clean up in here.
Here.
I will clean up until dusk.
I don't feel guilty.
------------------------------------------------------------------
I have to go to the tent really quick.
I forgot something.
Hey!
Metulski!
What's up?
What, what's up?
I want my money back from
the car you sold me, you...
I'd like to say
say: Sad clown!
As if!
Oh yes!
Come...
Don't do it, dude!
You'll get the cash back!
Shit...
Slipped out of my hand.
Oh.
Shit!
Dead.
Nobody will believe me.
I did not want that.
I did not want -
I didn't want that at all.
What am I going to do?
Ohhh.
Nice.
He still had his
little horsie in his pocket.
Ahh.
I don't like it.
Will I be prosecuted for this?
I do not know.
------------------------------------------------------------------
Good afternoon, ladies and gentlemen,
I would like to introduce myself...
My name is Commissioner 00 Schneider.
The following case deals with an
an extraordinary crime.
It is murder!
I, the Commissioner 00 Schneider,
will catch the criminal
and put him in prison.
If you ask me, a criminal
has no chance with me!
By the way, I don't sign autographs.
Just to be clear.
00 Schneider - Hunt for Nihil Baxter
Ah, the commissioner!
Good day Mrs. Feld!
I have cooked something delicious!
And opened this bottle of wine.
Ahh, this wine tastes a little rhomboid.
Ahh, this wine tastes a bit rhomboid.
(Yes, give me a sip too!).
Its seeding is good.
Look how he is leaning.
It tastes good.
With it: These nutlets!
Ohhh, what beautiful nutlets!
A noble drop.
A bit hard at the base, but
it protrudes far into the neck.
Well, after all, you have to remember,
in a normal household, in normal bottles,
you can get on first name
basis with such a wine.
And now: Murder in the-
Murder in the Apollo Circus.
Clown Metulski murdered.
How can that be?
You can't do something like that!
Let me have a look.
Newspaper.
Clown Metulski murdered?
April 1st, of all days.
Is 00 Schneider coming back?
Wait, that's me!
Who are you?
Commissioner 00 Schneider.
I was going to retire, but there is is
only one who can solve this difficult
case with the clown.
Namely, commissioner 00 Schneider.
Also me,
Körschgen, Lieutenant.
------------------------------------------------------------------
Thank you.
Mon General!
Oh, he's arriving.
The commissioner.
🎵00 Schneider, 00 Schneider, Schneider...
Up!
♪ The Commissioner Schneider is good...
♪00 Schneider, Null Schnull
Schneider, Schneider...
The door is closed.
What?
The door is locked!
Combine, combine...
it's not my door at all
Commissioner, I dearly welcome you!
And I am glad that
you are with us again.
And this here is for you.
So that you can feel...
like home.
Mr. Police Commissioner, I am
honored, but I don't like such....
scheming attempts at ingratiation
at all.
You know that very well.
I beg your pardon!
Uh, it is with- with the
flower... that's not,
uh... with the flower,
I don't want to have it.
What, why?
Here we are again,
you old plum!
Hello!
Good day Mr. Commissioner.
Hello Commissioner.
Good afternoon, Commissioner.
Good afternoon, Commissioner.
Hello, Mr. Commissioner.
Good afternoon,
Mr. Commissioner.
Hello, Mr. Commissioner.
Good day Mr. Commissioner.
What is that man doing?
He is dancing the thieving
Magpie for you, Commissioner.
Also one of my ideas.
Excellent.
I would like to knight this man.
Miss Klein?
Dad.
Are you out of your mind?
You can't call me dad
in front of everyone.
If it comes out that...
Get out of here, do that now.
Ow, ow, ow, ow!
Combine, a calf cramp.
Great!
For the, uh. Janitor.
Lindenhovicht.
Yes, yes, how many times
have I walked through this corridor.
Yes, yes, years!
Years, years.
Years, years, popears.
Yes...
I, Commissioner 00 Schneider.
What does this look like?
Miss Klein, Miss Klein?
Yes Commissioner?
Please come to
my room, okay? Right away.
Right away?
Right away.
Cup of tea?
Get lost, I don't want tea.
Say...
Why did you call
me old plum earlier?
I couldn't remember.
Ah.
I almost smacked you.
Hahaha!
So why didn't you do that?
Well, I don't know that either.
You know, I was actually planning
to give you a, uh... a little pleasure...
with the presentation of this plant.
All right.
Let's go.
I have never seen such a
strong-willed and relentless
criminalist as him.
Hats off!
Commissioner,
your weapon please.
I don't need a gun.
I investigate exclusively
with the brain.
Let's get to work.
Goodbye.
------------------------------------------------------------------
Well?
You?
How are you?
All good?
Beautiful sculpture.
My one and only.
My beautiful sculpture.
You!
Ah.
Oh you!
You beautiful sculpture.
One of my most precious things.
Shit.
Fell down.
Well, hm, luckily I still
have two or three others.
Just in case.
I can have several made.
In case I ever have visitors.
One, two, three, four,
five, six, seven.
I'll put it, I'll put it
here, no there, no here.
You come here.
Like this.
Bumpety Bump, Rider.
Nah, it's nothing.
Oh, this is boring.
Yeah I'm fine.
What's going on at home...?
And with you Sir?
Or you, buddy?
Listen.
Can you lend me two bucks?
Little friend.
Feathered friend.
Why don't I have any friends?
Oh, if...
someone would see that, they'd
think that this here's such a farce.
Well, it doesn't matter.
The column...
I would like to move it.
Like this.
What is this
little thing down here?
Oh, my weiner!
Boring!
I'll watch TV.
------------------------------------------------------------------
Good evening
ladies and gentlemen.
Welcome to our new
edition of "I'm ashamed!".
With Peter Thoms, and that's me.
Our guest today: Commissioner
00 Schneider, and there he is already.
Welcome (Hop!) to your breadcast- broadcast.
Here you go, take
Take a seat in the corner.
Here you go.
Thank you.
Please.
Sensational!
Your comeback to
criminalistics, Commissioner.
Righty, righty, popighty.
Sensational.
Exactly.
And now the trick question:
Do you cook alone?
Excuse me- am I now
with you or what?
Cake?
Rejected.
Granted.
Count to ten and
choose a number.
Um.
I'll take the 80.
Well chosen.
Let's see the 80, please.
Keep going, keep going, keep going!
And how do you intend to
begin your investigations?
The next thing I will do is
look into the extended family.
That's why tomorrow
I will visit the father,
he is a vegetable lady
in a store.
But I would like to say goodbye now,
because I have little time.
Goodbye!
Balloons...
Balloons.
And that's it again ladies and gentlemen
at "I am ashamed!" and next time
of course again as guest
with us: Commissioner 00 Schneider.
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My God what a commotion
around this- around this sad clown.
Can't believe it!
Delicious tea.
Ahh.
Yummy tea!
So.
The commissioner that-
funny guy the commissioner.
Quite- Maybe he will
be dangerous to me.
I'll take a look at him.
I'm so upset!
------------------------------------------------------------------
Cheers.
Thank you.
Pff, I'm knackered.
There's always work to do.
Yea.
And otherwise but, but, but
also, uh... no problem at all, no?
Nope!
At home?
Neither.
Eh.
Everything alright.
Hmm.
Haa?
Work comes first.
Haa???
Hmm!!
Nah I didn't say anything.
No.
I see.
Hmm.
Why 'I see'?
How late?
I think it's just past.
How much?
How much?
Half past seven.
Past seven.
It was a long day
once again, right?
A day full of work.
Cheers.
Cheers.
Körschgen.
Cheers commissioner.
Cheers Leutnant!
Lieutenant, sorry!
Mistakes happen, no?
------------------------------------------------------------------
Shit.
I feel like I'm sticking out.
I'll just pretend to
buy some snacks.
Oh.
Vegetable lady.
Good afternoon, I would like to have
a quarter of a pound of tomatoes.
What would you like, please?
Allow me, Commissioner
00 Schneider, police!
You probably know me
from the television set.
I am investigating the
murder of your son Bratislav Metulski.
What do you know?
I know.
You know, aha!
Excuse me if I
could come around here,
so that I can look here.
Did your son perhaps
have a hobby?
He sold cars.
Aha, cars!
Interesting.
How much?
Two, three, four?
One.
One...
Interesting.
Very interesting.
Very very interesting.
We are closing now.
Right now?
Hmm...
This man is very
very...
dubious.
87, the 14 please.
Closing time.
Well, thank you to a
not very talkative partner.
Goodbye.
That fucking commissioner.
So now I need an alibi.
Closing time!
------------------------------------------------------------------
Hello wife.
Hello husband.
Here, the bulgingly
filled shopping bags.
Thank you husband.
You're welcome, wife.
Oh, wife, I have to
leave, by the way.
I have a difficult case
to solve and no time at all.
You always think only of yourself.
And who thinks about me?
Me, darling!
For you are the very
best guest in my house.
------------------------------------------------------------------
♪Friends, Friends...
♪Friends in dread
♪Do Not Need Bread
♪Do Not Need Bread
Good afternoon, Commissioner.
Good afternoon, Ms. Feld.
Remember? You wanted to play
something for me on your cello.
If you don't say 'Pretty
please', that won't happen.
Oh pretty please,
pretty please, please.
Please.
00 Please.
Please.
------------------------------------------------------------------
The first thing you learn at the police
academy is, if you have a real case,
you have to go to
where the case started.
And that's what we did.
We also had already thought of
something special,
in order to not stand out in the milieu
in which we now had to investigate.
------------------------------------------------------------------
Dear audience.
And now: The duo 'Pimpernelli'!
Ouch, ouch, ouch.
What hadede you donene?
I fell down.
Hui ui ui.
Hui ui ui.
Hui ui ui.
Hui ui ui.
Ui ui ui!
Ui, ui, ui.
Ui.
This guy stomped on my guitar!
Prove it!
Here is the guitar.
I do not remember a guitar
laying around in this room.
You.
You!
Now you just wait a minute, you!
You've got to be kidding me!
------------------------------------------------------------------
I would like to reveal my
mysterious identity now.
My name is
Commissioner 00 Schneider!
What do you say now?
But- but that
is unbelievable.
Good lord.
I would never have thought of this.
Nah!
And him?
Uh-huh.
Mhhhm.
Is your assistant?
Yes... uh, yep!
I also have an
aunt in America.
She's in my will.
Whose vehicle is that
over there on the photo?
That is the car of... Metulski.
Aha.
(Metulski.)
Combine, combine.
I'm starting to get hungry in here.
Up!
------------------------------------------------------------------
So now there's your feed.
Now come on over here.
Come, feast.
Come and get your food.
Go on, get your food.
I'll have a look around
for a while, Commissioner.
All right, Körschgen, do that.
Good afternoon, my name
is Commissioner 00 Schneider.
I am investigating the
Metulski murder case.
You know, the funny clown.
I have a question for you.
Can you tell me the name of the man
to whom Metulski sold his car?
Everybody knows that.
That dumbass
with an art tick.
Nilhi Baxter is his name.
Strange name.
Nihil Baxter?
Mhm.
And, what does the man look like?
Well, something like this:
Strange.
This tiger has an uncanny
resemblance to my wife.
Mom!
Körschgen!
Boy, I almost died there.
Hey, you!
Let's see your hands.
Maybe you are
Metulski's murderer.
Nah, it wasn't me.
Me neither.
But gentlemen, you don't
seriously believe that I myself, uh...
What are you doing at
my pigeon coop?
My pigeons need rest.
You know that!
Goodbye.
------------------------------------------------------------------
Oh, I'm done, I can't anymore.
------------------------------------------------------------------
Strange, what a
curious dream just now...
Well, never mind.
She cooks rabbit, popabbit.
------------------------------------------------------------------
It is already dry.
Marvelous!
------------------------------------------------------------------
♪00 Schneider,
00 Schneider, Schneider...
♪00 Schneider,
00 Schneider, Schneider...
♪The Commissioner Schneider is good...
00, your sandwiches.
Erna!
Yes?
Eh, what?
Aha, what is this? Cheese?
Yes, cheese!
And you?
I'm not.
Bye.
Bye...
Damn it,
no cigarettes in the house.
So much staff and I still
have to buy my own cigarettes.
A little break, commissioner?
Perhaps.
I caught you taking a break?
I already said: Perhaps.
All right.
What counts is that
you solve the case.
Forgive me, Commissioner, as the
opportunity is just so convenient and, uh...
I'm sure you won't refuse me.
I would like to have an autograph from you.
Oh, wait a second!
Here you go.
Who should it be for?
For my niece Jean-Pierre.
Yes, of course.
There you are.
Thank you.
Ah, beautiful!
Surely a second autograph is possible!
For my great aunt...
Solange!
Beautiful, Commissioner.
Thank you very much.
That's enough!
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What, what, what did he do?
Disturbing a superior.
Now let him be.
Now let's eat some delicious cake
and drink a nice hot chocolate.
It'll be through in a minute.
------------------------------------------------------------------
Aunt, is the commissioner
really that good?
Well, you have
experienced it yourself.
He is the best.
He's a real hotshot.
He is a great
driver.
And he is an
excellent criminalist.
Sometimes...
he also likes to eat cake very much.
Do you like it?
Yes.
Then, why don't you eat?
Now let's get it in.
Yoo-hoo!
Woohoo!
Woo-hoo!
Even the
press called.
They want an interview!
Can you imagine that?
Interview.
Yes!
Now, my boy.
Enough cake!
A punishment must fit the crime.
♪Friends, Friends, Friends, Popends...
Hey, little one.
Remember, you promised
the Commissioner
that you'd trim the hedge
and wash the cars as well.
------------------------------------------------------------------
Can you imagine...?
No, too complicated.
I can imagine everything.
Yeah?
Yes.
Mhm.
You know what?
Yes.
Have you ever thought about...
how...
we could proceed?
We could proceed?
Yes. Going there!
Right.
And I know where to go too!
------------------------------------------------------------------
What is this?
Good day.
Commissioner, there he is.
Police.
We are here on business.
My name is
Commissioner 00 Schneider.
I don't buy anything
from strangers at the door!
This is the police.
Baxter, come out!
Come out, would you?
Can't you hear?
You shall come out.
He won't listen again.
Entry.
Interrogation.
Police.
Follow me-
If you want to have a look, here
from, uh... from Paris or-
or Wuppertal...
So that's uhh...
Yes, warm in here, no?
I'm sweating bullets.
Nice in here.
Plenty of room.
For one person.
Commissioner,
Commissioner, nice place, huh?
For one alone, for me alone,
I am practically single.
And if you have nothing on your mind
you can live a nice life...
I am an art collector, how could you
ever kill such a person?
For example, just as an example.
Now.
You smoke?
Maybe, cigar?
Cigar for you, huh,
Commissioner?
The dog also no cigar?
Well, it doesn't matter.
I will smoke the
cigars on my own, later.
Now, take a proper
look around here.
So.
Stop.
Why did you say 'stop'?
Oh, commissioner! I
didn't say 'Stop'!
Now, let's get to the
seating arrangement.
Commissioner, you best sit down
in this Corbusier chair.
You'd best sit here in front.
This way you can certainly
have a better conversation.
I'm sitting next to the fireplace.
I'll make myself comfortable there.
Yes.
Well, I say: Here we are.
No points.
No talking- talking points.
What do you think
of my wallpapers?
Commissioner, I
am now taking off the nose.
Do you have any questions?
Why?
Three gentlemen in one room.
Sad, no? No pussy to eat.
Yes sure.
Certainly.
Exactly.
Commissioner?
Are you interested
in sculptures?
May I show you one?
Just one!
Here.
This sculpture was
made in the year 1 A.D.
That here is the willy.
Ohh.
The sculpture broke.
Sorry.
Sorry, uh,
for- for derailing.
I'd better sit down again.
I have more - other sculptures,
I don't need to be angry right away.
Because of the sculpture.
The sculpture broke, the sculpture broke!
The sculpture broke, sculpture broke, sculpture broke!
(God oh God, what a guy).
The sculpture broke, sculpture broke, sculpture broke!
The sculpture broke,
no problem at all.
Sorry.
Bygones.
Good that you apologize
Good!
Commissioner, this man
there, is that the murderer?
What am I being accused of?
What am I being accused of?
What am I being accused of?!
Me? Murder?
Is there something
wrong in here?
Well, never mind.
Nihil Baxter.
Where were you on April 1st?
Where I was on April 1?
That's a question that I,
uh... can't answer here.
Gentlemen, join me
in my art studio.
Here. This way.
Stop right there, please.
Please.
I want to show you something.
There.
The leaning church of the foggy lake.
Painted by my own hand.
In the year, uh... I mean...
April 1st, 2002.
Can I be the murderer?
Can I be the murderer, then?
Can I be the murderer, then?
Hardly.
------------------------------------------------------------------
Damn, the guy
had a surefire alibi.
And we had a date.
Please let us through.
00 Schnei-
Erna.
Erna!
May I?
It's my birthday.
Erna!
Erna!
Erna!
You old plum!
------------------------------------------------------------------
This time Körschgen
had gone too far.
Mr. Körschgen, please
give me a pack of cigarettes!
I can't do that.
I have only 40 packs left.
Oh Mr. Körschgen, I
like to smoke, too.
Me too!
But, one pack you
can surely give.
That's impossible.
Mr. Körschgen,
I am so crazy
for a cigarette.
Well, you can have a puff.
Oh yes!
My mouth is watering.
Enough now, eh?
Thank you.
No problem.
But anyway, one pack.
Nope.
One pack.
(Nope.)
Nope.
Now give me that damn pack already.
(Nope.)
Nope.
Please, give me (Nope.) one pack.
Nope.
Mr. Körschgen.
As long as one lives
one should smoke.
And for that I still need these.
Good day, Commissioner.
Good afternoon.
Körschgen!
Commissioner!
What kind of things do you do?
I couldn't anymore, Commissioner
Here, quick.
Yes, thank you very much.
I have brought you
some cigarettes.
Thank you very much.
And a-
Bouquet of flowers.
Quick, it's on fire!
We don't want the bed to burn.
Yes, exactly.
That would not be nice.
Well, do you like the cloves?
Ohh, beautiful cloves.
There was something green in there as well.
Yes, I am so nervous.
Körschgen, I wanted to
surprise you.
Look at the door, please.
Johnny Flash!
If I can't hold you
then I will not stay with you.
I can't do this anymore.
I'll come in again...
That, I can offer.
If I can't hold you
then I won't stay with you.
If you still go away
from me, I won't go with you.
Do no-
I- I- I- I'll come
in one last time.
Sorry Mr. Körschgen.
If I can't hold you
then I won't stay with you.
If you still go away from
me, then I won't go with you.
Do not decide without
me, why we understand each other.
I want to go
through life with you.
Hold me tight,
I am alone.
Why,
is everything so gray?
The sky is covered with
dark clouds,
since you left.
Come back,
Come...
back.
That was one song,
Now...
20 more will follow.
Just for you.
A hundred thousand roses,
I send to you,
and for that-
------------------------------------------------------------------
Attention gentlemen!
And.
Go!
Go, faster!
Faster, men, faster!
And more speed!
And even more,
and go, and go, and go!
Watch out for the safety
of the others!
------------------------------------------------------------------
Oh, the phone.
Do we have cigarettes?
One moment.
I'll check.
(Do we have cigarettes?)
00 Schneider.
(Nope.)
What.
Nope.
Ahh!
Ahh!
Then I'll have to check myself.
Ah, the travel agency.
Yes?
Ah, ah that is interesting.
(Ah, there are some here).
Yes, the foggy lake, that's right,
yes, ah, 40 kilometers? Yes.
You could've told me right away that the cigarettes were there!
(Well, thank you very much for the valuable information).
Well, thank you very much for the
Valuable information.
Good bye.
Körschgen?
Yes.
We have to go to the
foggy lake right away.
Yes, we have to go there.
There is something wrong with
the picture that Nihil Baxter painted.
Yes, I think Nihil Baxter
wanted to screw us over anyway, right?
I'm starting to believe that as well.
There are my sunglasses.
I was looking for them.
Yeah.
Now, let's move.
Past the secretary.
Yep.
♪I'm going to the Foggy Lake, yeah, yeah...
♪I'm going to the Foggy Lake, yeah, yeah...
See you, Commissioner.
Siren?
Siren!
Siren.
And go, and go.
♪Baby, baby, going to
the Foggy Lake, yeah yeah...
♪Going to the Foggy Lake, woah, yes...
♪We're going to the Foggy Lake,
oh baby, baby, to the Foggy Lake
♪Baby, baby, baby, baby, baby, baby...
♪Baby, to the Foggy Lake,
ah, going to the Foggy Lake, yeah!
♪The Foggy Lake is there!
Take me to the Foggy Lake...
♪Ah, baby, to the Foggy Lake!
Au au au
------------------------------------------------------------------
As I was sitting on my
steed, stepping on the gas,
I had a rather un- uhm,
comfortable feeling the entire time.
I was suspicious that uhm,
something would approach us soon
that we actually haven't
counted on, but which is...
common practice in criminalistics.
♪We're going to the foggy lake.
I found myself the foggy lake!
♪Going to the foggy lake...
Körschgen?
Yes?
Do you notice anything?
Think sharply for a moment.
♪Ya!
♪Ya!
I got it!
There is no date on the church clock.
Righty, righty, popighty.
I suppose, Nihil
Baxter screwed with us.
------------------------------------------------------------------
♪Doctor's office Hasenbein.
(Rabbit-Leg)
♪Hasenbein, Hasenbein.
♪Hasenbein.
Mr. van den Berg, your
tissue samples are back.
Well, how should
I explain it to you?
You have cancer.
Surprised?
Don't know.
Well, that's how it is.
What are you looking at?
That's good.
I see, you have
an interest in art.
Yes, it's indeed
a very nice piece.
'Fluctuation 8'.
The work of a
polish action artist.
Iscariot Pasadelski.
But I think the name
doesn't mean anything to you.
Come on, come on.
Look at this,
I painted that myself.
'Wood is'.
I'm looking, yeah.
Well, well, well, oh, no.
Don't do that.
Fucking socially insureds.
Come on, get out you dick.
Shit!
Fucking ass.
These fucking socially insureds.
Who sends these
simple people to my house?
Ahh!
The next patient
can wait for a while.
Good day.
I am Mrs. Commissioner
00 Schneider.
Excuse me, but I
did not call you in.
You didn't wait,
until I asked you to enter.
Besides, I don't like it,
when someone watches me doing ballet, yes?
I have ballet, too.
May I?
Aha, a Casi recordi.
Wow! Hip-hop!
Doctor, my husband
doesn't come home anymore.
What am I supposed to do?
Uh, why don't you go behind the spanish wall
and take off your top.
I will take a look at you later, then.
Behind this screen?
Indeed, here is the
spanish wall, yes?
Yes, don't worry, you
can completely undress.
♪At the doctor Hasenbein, yes, the doctor Hasenbein
♪At the doctor Hasenbein, yes, the doctor Hasenbein
What's up?
Tse.
♪The examination is quite fine.
A remarkable woman.
In the meantime, I will
take care of the next patient.
♪Yeah, the doctor Hasenbein, Hasenbein. Very fine.
♪Yeah, the doctor Hasenbein, Hasenbein. Very fine.
Tea is ready.
♪The doctor's office isn't small,
the office of Doktor Hasenbein
♪Yes, the office. Doctor Hasenbein.
Next, please.
Surgical Institute
Dr. Hasenbein. Also shoe sale.
Hello doctor Hasenbein!
Ahh, my favorite patient,
Welcome Mr. Baxter.
Well, how is it going?
Have you already made connections,
found friends?
As I had medically ordered?
No, that hasn't worked yet.
No?
That is very sad.
As I have told you already,
you can also develop a
deep relationship to tangible things, no?
Didn't you do that?
Yes, I have already started
collecting sculptures.
There are some good ones too.
I see, oh yes.
Well, that's something.
That's something.
That's something.
That is something, yes,
Mr. Baxter, that is something.
Sculptures, the friends
of people in need.
I always say that, it's
an old phrase of mine.
Yeah, sometimes a sculpture can offer
something that other human beings can't.
I am a standalone golfer.
Look here.
A golf bag.
Do you like it?
It's heavy, it's heavy.
It is very heavy.
It's so heavy!
Now. A little test:
Who owns my socks?
You, doctor.
Right Mr. Baxter,
and off they go.
Well, what do I
do with you...
What a magnificent sculpture.
May I touch it?
No, no, no one
is allowed touch it.
Doesn't matter!
No, not the sculpture.
Not the sculpture.
Fuck, slipped on the
tea bag.
Doctor?
Yes?
Now, this one is mine.
Is everything all right?
No choice but to skedaddle.
Let's go to Rio!
By plane!
Uh... by the way, I was
the last patient.
May I go through?
Can't believe it.
Well, then there's
no problem at all.
Then I'll go somewhere else.
Oh, the poor doctor, only
mouth-to-mouth resuscitation can help here.
No, no, no, sorry,
but, we better not do that, yes?
Why?
Well, it is nothing personal against
you, Ms Schneider, uh, or your appearance.
Nevermind, maybe it's
about your appearance...
My precious
Sculpture, damn it!
I will immediately notify my doc-,
uh... notify my husband.
He is at the supreme
court as we speak.
He went to Rio.
Yes.
Hello?
Yes, am I talking to
Commissioner Schneider?
This is his wife.
Yes, he went to Rio.
I'm at the doctor's office right now and
the man has gone to Rio with the sculpture.
Yes, we meet
at the airport.
Very nice.
Our only hope is
to not lose time!
Yes, did you hear that?
Don't lose time! Bye.
------------------------------------------------------------------
♪Friends...
♪Friends...
♪Friends in the police force are okay
Arrest warrant
♪Friends, Friends, Friends, Popends
Thank you very much.
♪Friends, Friends, Friends, Popends
Airport
------------------------------------------------------------------
I am the only passenger?
Let's sit down here.
Ah, now it's off to Rio.
Beautiful.
Hach.
What, toilet up there.
Nah?
Ah that is, yes
it says toilet.
Or... is it?
Yes, must be the toilet.
Could actually take
off the kicks now.
Ugh, no!
Och.
This is an unbelievable stench.
I'd better leave 'em on.
For my own sake.
Good day.
I welcome you
aboard Elke.
The emergency exits are
at the front, side and rear.
In case of pressure loss the
oxygen mask will be automatically
ejected from the nozzles
provided for this purpose.
Life jackets are in the locker
and can be purchased from me.
They cost 800,000 bucks.
Bollocks!
It's true.
As soon as I disappear
in the cockpit we can start.
Well I think I'll
go for a wizz.
Good day ladies and gentlemen.
Welcome on board
this wonderful machine.
46589 Elke.
You are already boarded.
Uh, we have a speed
Of 55,658 feet Fahrenheit.
Uh, and then we have a
glide-, uh, glide wind of 480 degrees.
Uh, it wobbles a little bit, but.
please don't let it get to you.
Uh, the machine is steady.
At a cruising speed, now just
gliding in, straight ahead, free ride.
Ladies and gentlemen, uh, please
put the air sickness bags aside.
We are fit again on the degree
12,000 feet, uh, 695 miles per hour.
If the gentlemen would like some
fruit-, uh, cocktail to, uh, ingest,
then please reach into the
box, inside are six yellow apples.
This has been
your flight captain.
Come back next week.
We will fly straight through to
Rio, without a stopover, flat at 595
kilometers per hour
directly over the ocean.
Your's truly, your travel
captain: Charlie Weiß.
Thank you very much.
They could have at least
screwed the seats in place.
What a fucking piece of junk.
Just like when I used to visit
Mallorca with mom.
And grandpa.
And grandpa.
Dear audience, dear
passengers, for lunch we serve
potato stuff exclusively.
Enjoy your meal.
Oh, air pocket!
Oh, yummy!
Lunch is here.
Oh my, we are flying fast today.
I can't hold it any longer!
The left and the right
wing have broken off.
You can still fit something in there.
Now I'm trying to, uh, eject...
to fly out into the wide world,
and, uh... get help right away.
I'll wipe your eyes clean.
Then you can see how
I shatter into pieces
when we hit the ground.
Have a nice day
and goodbye.
Perfect!
♪00 Schneider, 00 Schneider,
00 Schneider, Schneider!
♪00 Schneider, 00 Schneider,
00 Schneider, Schneider!
Am I already in heaven?
Almost, Baxter.
Der Kommissar 00 Schneider!
I arrest you, in the name of...
my employees.
For the murder of the
funny clown Bratislav Metulski.
How are you going
to prove that, huh?
Nothing easier than this!
The world-famous tracker pilot.
God.
The world-famous tracker pilot!
Yea, it's him, commissioner.
Take him away!
We just have to get
down to the ground again.
------------------------------------------------------------------
You can see the radiators here.
The walls, tiled below.
This is the toilet.
And this prison has
an excellent view.
If you want to see for
yourself, here you go.
Yes, I can look.
Here?
Oh' the wanderlust is on me
and tonight I strike the trail
Good, very good.
It's a good thing that the robber
is now under lock and key,
otherwise he would have
done something to us, too.
He was such a bad, bad man.
We were all afraid, even
we in the hiking group.
Afterwards he would have done something
to us, that would have been terrible.
------------------------------------------------------------------
There you see again.
Crime does not pay!
Well, ladies and gentlemen, this case
is brought to a close, and I say,
there you see once again:
Crime does not pay.
Well, ladies and gentlemen
this case is closed.
But many other cases
in this world... are there.
And there you see once
again: Crime does not pay.
Well, ladies and gentlemen
this case is closed.
But what you can learn from this:
crime does not pay.
There 'ye see again:
Crime does not pay.
Subtitles made by Mo and Julian
Fucking socially insureds.
Prevent me from playing golf.
The red light does not turn - off.
How can you sell me
sell such a car?
Fan does not work, cooling
does not work, nothing works.
Can look at the road.
That lousy sad clown!
That fucking Metulski!
I want my money back.
What?
You dear sculpture?
You ride with me!
Haha, I'll give you a ride!
Yahaha.
I take my
favorite sculpture with me.
------------------------------------------------------------------
Phew, this is exhausting!
I should have been a pop singer.
------------------------------------------------------------------
Where is he?
where is he?
Hello, father!
You come to visit me?
Yes!
How is it going?
Good.
How is your car?
Oh, I sold it.
The old scrap mill?
Did you still get money for it?
Hahahaha
There they go again,
the fine gentlemen.
Ha, and I'm doing the crap work.
Shit!
How does this look like in here?
Such a rotten thing.
Unbelievable!
Nothing has been done here for weeks.
What a nasty thing to do!
I'll get you a rag.
My own son.
Degenerates in the dirt.
Unbelievable, I can't believe it.
Then he sells the old jalopy.
I hope he doesn't get
into trouble for that.
Give me a rag!
Coming!
That I can clean up in here.
Here.
I will clean up until dusk.
I don't feel guilty.
------------------------------------------------------------------
I have to go to the tent really quick.
I forgot something.
Hey!
Metulski!
What's up?
What, what's up?
I want my money back from
the car you sold me, you...
I'd like to say
say: Sad clown!
As if!
Oh yes!
Come...
Don't do it, dude!
You'll get the cash back!
Shit...
Slipped out of my hand.
Oh.
Shit!
Dead.
Nobody will believe me.
I did not want that.
I did not want -
I didn't want that at all.
What am I going to do?
Ohhh.
Nice.
He still had his
little horsie in his pocket.
Ahh.
I don't like it.
Will I be prosecuted for this?
I do not know.
------------------------------------------------------------------
Good afternoon, ladies and gentlemen,
I would like to introduce myself...
My name is Commissioner 00 Schneider.
The following case deals with an
an extraordinary crime.
It is murder!
I, the Commissioner 00 Schneider,
will catch the criminal
and put him in prison.
If you ask me, a criminal
has no chance with me!
By the way, I don't sign autographs.
Just to be clear.
00 Schneider - Hunt for Nihil Baxter
Ah, the commissioner!
Good day Mrs. Feld!
I have cooked something delicious!
And opened this bottle of wine.
Ahh, this wine tastes a little rhomboid.
Ahh, this wine tastes a bit rhomboid.
(Yes, give me a sip too!).
Its seeding is good.
Look how he is leaning.
It tastes good.
With it: These nutlets!
Ohhh, what beautiful nutlets!
A noble drop.
A bit hard at the base, but
it protrudes far into the neck.
Well, after all, you have to remember,
in a normal household, in normal bottles,
you can get on first name
basis with such a wine.
And now: Murder in the-
Murder in the Apollo Circus.
Clown Metulski murdered.
How can that be?
You can't do something like that!
Let me have a look.
Newspaper.
Clown Metulski murdered?
April 1st, of all days.
Is 00 Schneider coming back?
Wait, that's me!
Who are you?
Commissioner 00 Schneider.
I was going to retire, but there is is
only one who can solve this difficult
case with the clown.
Namely, commissioner 00 Schneider.
Also me,
Körschgen, Lieutenant.
------------------------------------------------------------------
Thank you.
Mon General!
Oh, he's arriving.
The commissioner.
🎵00 Schneider, 00 Schneider, Schneider...
Up!
♪ The Commissioner Schneider is good...
♪00 Schneider, Null Schnull
Schneider, Schneider...
The door is closed.
What?
The door is locked!
Combine, combine...
it's not my door at all
Commissioner, I dearly welcome you!
And I am glad that
you are with us again.
And this here is for you.
So that you can feel...
like home.
Mr. Police Commissioner, I am
honored, but I don't like such....
scheming attempts at ingratiation
at all.
You know that very well.
I beg your pardon!
Uh, it is with- with the
flower... that's not,
uh... with the flower,
I don't want to have it.
What, why?
Here we are again,
you old plum!
Hello!
Good day Mr. Commissioner.
Hello Commissioner.
Good afternoon, Commissioner.
Good afternoon, Commissioner.
Hello, Mr. Commissioner.
Good afternoon,
Mr. Commissioner.
Hello, Mr. Commissioner.
Good day Mr. Commissioner.
What is that man doing?
He is dancing the thieving
Magpie for you, Commissioner.
Also one of my ideas.
Excellent.
I would like to knight this man.
Miss Klein?
Dad.
Are you out of your mind?
You can't call me dad
in front of everyone.
If it comes out that...
Get out of here, do that now.
Ow, ow, ow, ow!
Combine, a calf cramp.
Great!
For the, uh. Janitor.
Lindenhovicht.
Yes, yes, how many times
have I walked through this corridor.
Yes, yes, years!
Years, years.
Years, years, popears.
Yes...
I, Commissioner 00 Schneider.
What does this look like?
Miss Klein, Miss Klein?
Yes Commissioner?
Please come to
my room, okay? Right away.
Right away?
Right away.
Cup of tea?
Get lost, I don't want tea.
Say...
Why did you call
me old plum earlier?
I couldn't remember.
Ah.
I almost smacked you.
Hahaha!
So why didn't you do that?
Well, I don't know that either.
You know, I was actually planning
to give you a, uh... a little pleasure...
with the presentation of this plant.
All right.
Let's go.
I have never seen such a
strong-willed and relentless
criminalist as him.
Hats off!
Commissioner,
your weapon please.
I don't need a gun.
I investigate exclusively
with the brain.
Let's get to work.
Goodbye.
------------------------------------------------------------------
Well?
You?
How are you?
All good?
Beautiful sculpture.
My one and only.
My beautiful sculpture.
You!
Ah.
Oh you!
You beautiful sculpture.
One of my most precious things.
Shit.
Fell down.
Well, hm, luckily I still
have two or three others.
Just in case.
I can have several made.
In case I ever have visitors.
One, two, three, four,
five, six, seven.
I'll put it, I'll put it
here, no there, no here.
You come here.
Like this.
Bumpety Bump, Rider.
Nah, it's nothing.
Oh, this is boring.
Yeah I'm fine.
What's going on at home...?
And with you Sir?
Or you, buddy?
Listen.
Can you lend me two bucks?
Little friend.
Feathered friend.
Why don't I have any friends?
Oh, if...
someone would see that, they'd
think that this here's such a farce.
Well, it doesn't matter.
The column...
I would like to move it.
Like this.
What is this
little thing down here?
Oh, my weiner!
Boring!
I'll watch TV.
------------------------------------------------------------------
Good evening
ladies and gentlemen.
Welcome to our new
edition of "I'm ashamed!".
With Peter Thoms, and that's me.
Our guest today: Commissioner
00 Schneider, and there he is already.
Welcome (Hop!) to your breadcast- broadcast.
Here you go, take
Take a seat in the corner.
Here you go.
Thank you.
Please.
Sensational!
Your comeback to
criminalistics, Commissioner.
Righty, righty, popighty.
Sensational.
Exactly.
And now the trick question:
Do you cook alone?
Excuse me- am I now
with you or what?
Cake?
Rejected.
Granted.
Count to ten and
choose a number.
Um.
I'll take the 80.
Well chosen.
Let's see the 80, please.
Keep going, keep going, keep going!
And how do you intend to
begin your investigations?
The next thing I will do is
look into the extended family.
That's why tomorrow
I will visit the father,
he is a vegetable lady
in a store.
But I would like to say goodbye now,
because I have little time.
Goodbye!
Balloons...
Balloons.
And that's it again ladies and gentlemen
at "I am ashamed!" and next time
of course again as guest
with us: Commissioner 00 Schneider.
------------------------------------------------------------------
My God what a commotion
around this- around this sad clown.
Can't believe it!
Delicious tea.
Ahh.
Yummy tea!
So.
The commissioner that-
funny guy the commissioner.
Quite- Maybe he will
be dangerous to me.
I'll take a look at him.
I'm so upset!
------------------------------------------------------------------
Cheers.
Thank you.
Pff, I'm knackered.
There's always work to do.
Yea.
And otherwise but, but, but
also, uh... no problem at all, no?
Nope!
At home?
Neither.
Eh.
Everything alright.
Hmm.
Haa?
Work comes first.
Haa???
Hmm!!
Nah I didn't say anything.
No.
I see.
Hmm.
Why 'I see'?
How late?
I think it's just past.
How much?
How much?
Half past seven.
Past seven.
It was a long day
once again, right?
A day full of work.
Cheers.
Cheers.
Körschgen.
Cheers commissioner.
Cheers Leutnant!
Lieutenant, sorry!
Mistakes happen, no?
------------------------------------------------------------------
Shit.
I feel like I'm sticking out.
I'll just pretend to
buy some snacks.
Oh.
Vegetable lady.
Good afternoon, I would like to have
a quarter of a pound of tomatoes.
What would you like, please?
Allow me, Commissioner
00 Schneider, police!
You probably know me
from the television set.
I am investigating the
murder of your son Bratislav Metulski.
What do you know?
I know.
You know, aha!
Excuse me if I
could come around here,
so that I can look here.
Did your son perhaps
have a hobby?
He sold cars.
Aha, cars!
Interesting.
How much?
Two, three, four?
One.
One...
Interesting.
Very interesting.
Very very interesting.
We are closing now.
Right now?
Hmm...
This man is very
very...
dubious.
87, the 14 please.
Closing time.
Well, thank you to a
not very talkative partner.
Goodbye.
That fucking commissioner.
So now I need an alibi.
Closing time!
------------------------------------------------------------------
Hello wife.
Hello husband.
Here, the bulgingly
filled shopping bags.
Thank you husband.
You're welcome, wife.
Oh, wife, I have to
leave, by the way.
I have a difficult case
to solve and no time at all.
You always think only of yourself.
And who thinks about me?
Me, darling!
For you are the very
best guest in my house.
------------------------------------------------------------------
♪Friends, Friends...
♪Friends in dread
♪Do Not Need Bread
♪Do Not Need Bread
Good afternoon, Commissioner.
Good afternoon, Ms. Feld.
Remember? You wanted to play
something for me on your cello.
If you don't say 'Pretty
please', that won't happen.
Oh pretty please,
pretty please, please.
Please.
00 Please.
Please.
------------------------------------------------------------------
The first thing you learn at the police
academy is, if you have a real case,
you have to go to
where the case started.
And that's what we did.
We also had already thought of
something special,
in order to not stand out in the milieu
in which we now had to investigate.
------------------------------------------------------------------
Dear audience.
And now: The duo 'Pimpernelli'!
Ouch, ouch, ouch.
What hadede you donene?
I fell down.
Hui ui ui.
Hui ui ui.
Hui ui ui.
Hui ui ui.
Ui ui ui!
Ui, ui, ui.
Ui.
This guy stomped on my guitar!
Prove it!
Here is the guitar.
I do not remember a guitar
laying around in this room.
You.
You!
Now you just wait a minute, you!
You've got to be kidding me!
------------------------------------------------------------------
I would like to reveal my
mysterious identity now.
My name is
Commissioner 00 Schneider!
What do you say now?
But- but that
is unbelievable.
Good lord.
I would never have thought of this.
Nah!
And him?
Uh-huh.
Mhhhm.
Is your assistant?
Yes... uh, yep!
I also have an
aunt in America.
She's in my will.
Whose vehicle is that
over there on the photo?
That is the car of... Metulski.
Aha.
(Metulski.)
Combine, combine.
I'm starting to get hungry in here.
Up!
------------------------------------------------------------------
So now there's your feed.
Now come on over here.
Come, feast.
Come and get your food.
Go on, get your food.
I'll have a look around
for a while, Commissioner.
All right, Körschgen, do that.
Good afternoon, my name
is Commissioner 00 Schneider.
I am investigating the
Metulski murder case.
You know, the funny clown.
I have a question for you.
Can you tell me the name of the man
to whom Metulski sold his car?
Everybody knows that.
That dumbass
with an art tick.
Nilhi Baxter is his name.
Strange name.
Nihil Baxter?
Mhm.
And, what does the man look like?
Well, something like this:
Strange.
This tiger has an uncanny
resemblance to my wife.
Mom!
Körschgen!
Boy, I almost died there.
Hey, you!
Let's see your hands.
Maybe you are
Metulski's murderer.
Nah, it wasn't me.
Me neither.
But gentlemen, you don't
seriously believe that I myself, uh...
What are you doing at
my pigeon coop?
My pigeons need rest.
You know that!
Goodbye.
------------------------------------------------------------------
Oh, I'm done, I can't anymore.
------------------------------------------------------------------
Strange, what a
curious dream just now...
Well, never mind.
She cooks rabbit, popabbit.
------------------------------------------------------------------
It is already dry.
Marvelous!
------------------------------------------------------------------
♪00 Schneider,
00 Schneider, Schneider...
♪00 Schneider,
00 Schneider, Schneider...
♪The Commissioner Schneider is good...
00, your sandwiches.
Erna!
Yes?
Eh, what?
Aha, what is this? Cheese?
Yes, cheese!
And you?
I'm not.
Bye.
Bye...
Damn it,
no cigarettes in the house.
So much staff and I still
have to buy my own cigarettes.
A little break, commissioner?
Perhaps.
I caught you taking a break?
I already said: Perhaps.
All right.
What counts is that
you solve the case.
Forgive me, Commissioner, as the
opportunity is just so convenient and, uh...
I'm sure you won't refuse me.
I would like to have an autograph from you.
Oh, wait a second!
Here you go.
Who should it be for?
For my niece Jean-Pierre.
Yes, of course.
There you are.
Thank you.
Ah, beautiful!
Surely a second autograph is possible!
For my great aunt...
Solange!
Beautiful, Commissioner.
Thank you very much.
That's enough!
------------------------------------------------------------------
What, what, what did he do?
Disturbing a superior.
Now let him be.
Now let's eat some delicious cake
and drink a nice hot chocolate.
It'll be through in a minute.
------------------------------------------------------------------
Aunt, is the commissioner
really that good?
Well, you have
experienced it yourself.
He is the best.
He's a real hotshot.
He is a great
driver.
And he is an
excellent criminalist.
Sometimes...
he also likes to eat cake very much.
Do you like it?
Yes.
Then, why don't you eat?
Now let's get it in.
Yoo-hoo!
Woohoo!
Woo-hoo!
Even the
press called.
They want an interview!
Can you imagine that?
Interview.
Yes!
Now, my boy.
Enough cake!
A punishment must fit the crime.
♪Friends, Friends, Friends, Popends...
Hey, little one.
Remember, you promised
the Commissioner
that you'd trim the hedge
and wash the cars as well.
------------------------------------------------------------------
Can you imagine...?
No, too complicated.
I can imagine everything.
Yeah?
Yes.
Mhm.
You know what?
Yes.
Have you ever thought about...
how...
we could proceed?
We could proceed?
Yes. Going there!
Right.
And I know where to go too!
------------------------------------------------------------------
What is this?
Good day.
Commissioner, there he is.
Police.
We are here on business.
My name is
Commissioner 00 Schneider.
I don't buy anything
from strangers at the door!
This is the police.
Baxter, come out!
Come out, would you?
Can't you hear?
You shall come out.
He won't listen again.
Entry.
Interrogation.
Police.
Follow me-
If you want to have a look, here
from, uh... from Paris or-
or Wuppertal...
So that's uhh...
Yes, warm in here, no?
I'm sweating bullets.
Nice in here.
Plenty of room.
For one person.
Commissioner,
Commissioner, nice place, huh?
For one alone, for me alone,
I am practically single.
And if you have nothing on your mind
you can live a nice life...
I am an art collector, how could you
ever kill such a person?
For example, just as an example.
Now.
You smoke?
Maybe, cigar?
Cigar for you, huh,
Commissioner?
The dog also no cigar?
Well, it doesn't matter.
I will smoke the
cigars on my own, later.
Now, take a proper
look around here.
So.
Stop.
Why did you say 'stop'?
Oh, commissioner! I
didn't say 'Stop'!
Now, let's get to the
seating arrangement.
Commissioner, you best sit down
in this Corbusier chair.
You'd best sit here in front.
This way you can certainly
have a better conversation.
I'm sitting next to the fireplace.
I'll make myself comfortable there.
Yes.
Well, I say: Here we are.
No points.
No talking- talking points.
What do you think
of my wallpapers?
Commissioner, I
am now taking off the nose.
Do you have any questions?
Why?
Three gentlemen in one room.
Sad, no? No pussy to eat.
Yes sure.
Certainly.
Exactly.
Commissioner?
Are you interested
in sculptures?
May I show you one?
Just one!
Here.
This sculpture was
made in the year 1 A.D.
That here is the willy.
Ohh.
The sculpture broke.
Sorry.
Sorry, uh,
for- for derailing.
I'd better sit down again.
I have more - other sculptures,
I don't need to be angry right away.
Because of the sculpture.
The sculpture broke, the sculpture broke!
The sculpture broke, sculpture broke, sculpture broke!
(God oh God, what a guy).
The sculpture broke, sculpture broke, sculpture broke!
The sculpture broke,
no problem at all.
Sorry.
Bygones.
Good that you apologize
Good!
Commissioner, this man
there, is that the murderer?
What am I being accused of?
What am I being accused of?
What am I being accused of?!
Me? Murder?
Is there something
wrong in here?
Well, never mind.
Nihil Baxter.
Where were you on April 1st?
Where I was on April 1?
That's a question that I,
uh... can't answer here.
Gentlemen, join me
in my art studio.
Here. This way.
Stop right there, please.
Please.
I want to show you something.
There.
The leaning church of the foggy lake.
Painted by my own hand.
In the year, uh... I mean...
April 1st, 2002.
Can I be the murderer?
Can I be the murderer, then?
Can I be the murderer, then?
Hardly.
------------------------------------------------------------------
Damn, the guy
had a surefire alibi.
And we had a date.
Please let us through.
00 Schnei-
Erna.
Erna!
May I?
It's my birthday.
Erna!
Erna!
Erna!
You old plum!
------------------------------------------------------------------
This time Körschgen
had gone too far.
Mr. Körschgen, please
give me a pack of cigarettes!
I can't do that.
I have only 40 packs left.
Oh Mr. Körschgen, I
like to smoke, too.
Me too!
But, one pack you
can surely give.
That's impossible.
Mr. Körschgen,
I am so crazy
for a cigarette.
Well, you can have a puff.
Oh yes!
My mouth is watering.
Enough now, eh?
Thank you.
No problem.
But anyway, one pack.
Nope.
One pack.
(Nope.)
Nope.
Now give me that damn pack already.
(Nope.)
Nope.
Please, give me (Nope.) one pack.
Nope.
Mr. Körschgen.
As long as one lives
one should smoke.
And for that I still need these.
Good day, Commissioner.
Good afternoon.
Körschgen!
Commissioner!
What kind of things do you do?
I couldn't anymore, Commissioner
Here, quick.
Yes, thank you very much.
I have brought you
some cigarettes.
Thank you very much.
And a-
Bouquet of flowers.
Quick, it's on fire!
We don't want the bed to burn.
Yes, exactly.
That would not be nice.
Well, do you like the cloves?
Ohh, beautiful cloves.
There was something green in there as well.
Yes, I am so nervous.
Körschgen, I wanted to
surprise you.
Look at the door, please.
Johnny Flash!
If I can't hold you
then I will not stay with you.
I can't do this anymore.
I'll come in again...
That, I can offer.
If I can't hold you
then I won't stay with you.
If you still go away
from me, I won't go with you.
Do no-
I- I- I- I'll come
in one last time.
Sorry Mr. Körschgen.
If I can't hold you
then I won't stay with you.
If you still go away from
me, then I won't go with you.
Do not decide without
me, why we understand each other.
I want to go
through life with you.
Hold me tight,
I am alone.
Why,
is everything so gray?
The sky is covered with
dark clouds,
since you left.
Come back,
Come...
back.
That was one song,
Now...
20 more will follow.
Just for you.
A hundred thousand roses,
I send to you,
and for that-
------------------------------------------------------------------
Attention gentlemen!
And.
Go!
Go, faster!
Faster, men, faster!
And more speed!
And even more,
and go, and go, and go!
Watch out for the safety
of the others!
------------------------------------------------------------------
Oh, the phone.
Do we have cigarettes?
One moment.
I'll check.
(Do we have cigarettes?)
00 Schneider.
(Nope.)
What.
Nope.
Ahh!
Ahh!
Then I'll have to check myself.
Ah, the travel agency.
Yes?
Ah, ah that is interesting.
(Ah, there are some here).
Yes, the foggy lake, that's right,
yes, ah, 40 kilometers? Yes.
You could've told me right away that the cigarettes were there!
(Well, thank you very much for the valuable information).
Well, thank you very much for the
Valuable information.
Good bye.
Körschgen?
Yes.
We have to go to the
foggy lake right away.
Yes, we have to go there.
There is something wrong with
the picture that Nihil Baxter painted.
Yes, I think Nihil Baxter
wanted to screw us over anyway, right?
I'm starting to believe that as well.
There are my sunglasses.
I was looking for them.
Yeah.
Now, let's move.
Past the secretary.
Yep.
♪I'm going to the Foggy Lake, yeah, yeah...
♪I'm going to the Foggy Lake, yeah, yeah...
See you, Commissioner.
Siren?
Siren!
Siren.
And go, and go.
♪Baby, baby, going to
the Foggy Lake, yeah yeah...
♪Going to the Foggy Lake, woah, yes...
♪We're going to the Foggy Lake,
oh baby, baby, to the Foggy Lake
♪Baby, baby, baby, baby, baby, baby...
♪Baby, to the Foggy Lake,
ah, going to the Foggy Lake, yeah!
♪The Foggy Lake is there!
Take me to the Foggy Lake...
♪Ah, baby, to the Foggy Lake!
Au au au
------------------------------------------------------------------
As I was sitting on my
steed, stepping on the gas,
I had a rather un- uhm,
comfortable feeling the entire time.
I was suspicious that uhm,
something would approach us soon
that we actually haven't
counted on, but which is...
common practice in criminalistics.
♪We're going to the foggy lake.
I found myself the foggy lake!
♪Going to the foggy lake...
Körschgen?
Yes?
Do you notice anything?
Think sharply for a moment.
♪Ya!
♪Ya!
I got it!
There is no date on the church clock.
Righty, righty, popighty.
I suppose, Nihil
Baxter screwed with us.
------------------------------------------------------------------
♪Doctor's office Hasenbein.
(Rabbit-Leg)
♪Hasenbein, Hasenbein.
♪Hasenbein.
Mr. van den Berg, your
tissue samples are back.
Well, how should
I explain it to you?
You have cancer.
Surprised?
Don't know.
Well, that's how it is.
What are you looking at?
That's good.
I see, you have
an interest in art.
Yes, it's indeed
a very nice piece.
'Fluctuation 8'.
The work of a
polish action artist.
Iscariot Pasadelski.
But I think the name
doesn't mean anything to you.
Come on, come on.
Look at this,
I painted that myself.
'Wood is'.
I'm looking, yeah.
Well, well, well, oh, no.
Don't do that.
Fucking socially insureds.
Come on, get out you dick.
Shit!
Fucking ass.
These fucking socially insureds.
Who sends these
simple people to my house?
Ahh!
The next patient
can wait for a while.
Good day.
I am Mrs. Commissioner
00 Schneider.
Excuse me, but I
did not call you in.
You didn't wait,
until I asked you to enter.
Besides, I don't like it,
when someone watches me doing ballet, yes?
I have ballet, too.
May I?
Aha, a Casi recordi.
Wow! Hip-hop!
Doctor, my husband
doesn't come home anymore.
What am I supposed to do?
Uh, why don't you go behind the spanish wall
and take off your top.
I will take a look at you later, then.
Behind this screen?
Indeed, here is the
spanish wall, yes?
Yes, don't worry, you
can completely undress.
♪At the doctor Hasenbein, yes, the doctor Hasenbein
♪At the doctor Hasenbein, yes, the doctor Hasenbein
What's up?
Tse.
♪The examination is quite fine.
A remarkable woman.
In the meantime, I will
take care of the next patient.
♪Yeah, the doctor Hasenbein, Hasenbein. Very fine.
♪Yeah, the doctor Hasenbein, Hasenbein. Very fine.
Tea is ready.
♪The doctor's office isn't small,
the office of Doktor Hasenbein
♪Yes, the office. Doctor Hasenbein.
Next, please.
Surgical Institute
Dr. Hasenbein. Also shoe sale.
Hello doctor Hasenbein!
Ahh, my favorite patient,
Welcome Mr. Baxter.
Well, how is it going?
Have you already made connections,
found friends?
As I had medically ordered?
No, that hasn't worked yet.
No?
That is very sad.
As I have told you already,
you can also develop a
deep relationship to tangible things, no?
Didn't you do that?
Yes, I have already started
collecting sculptures.
There are some good ones too.
I see, oh yes.
Well, that's something.
That's something.
That's something.
That is something, yes,
Mr. Baxter, that is something.
Sculptures, the friends
of people in need.
I always say that, it's
an old phrase of mine.
Yeah, sometimes a sculpture can offer
something that other human beings can't.
I am a standalone golfer.
Look here.
A golf bag.
Do you like it?
It's heavy, it's heavy.
It is very heavy.
It's so heavy!
Now. A little test:
Who owns my socks?
You, doctor.
Right Mr. Baxter,
and off they go.
Well, what do I
do with you...
What a magnificent sculpture.
May I touch it?
No, no, no one
is allowed touch it.
Doesn't matter!
No, not the sculpture.
Not the sculpture.
Fuck, slipped on the
tea bag.
Doctor?
Yes?
Now, this one is mine.
Is everything all right?
No choice but to skedaddle.
Let's go to Rio!
By plane!
Uh... by the way, I was
the last patient.
May I go through?
Can't believe it.
Well, then there's
no problem at all.
Then I'll go somewhere else.
Oh, the poor doctor, only
mouth-to-mouth resuscitation can help here.
No, no, no, sorry,
but, we better not do that, yes?
Why?
Well, it is nothing personal against
you, Ms Schneider, uh, or your appearance.
Nevermind, maybe it's
about your appearance...
My precious
Sculpture, damn it!
I will immediately notify my doc-,
uh... notify my husband.
He is at the supreme
court as we speak.
He went to Rio.
Yes.
Hello?
Yes, am I talking to
Commissioner Schneider?
This is his wife.
Yes, he went to Rio.
I'm at the doctor's office right now and
the man has gone to Rio with the sculpture.
Yes, we meet
at the airport.
Very nice.
Our only hope is
to not lose time!
Yes, did you hear that?
Don't lose time! Bye.
------------------------------------------------------------------
♪Friends...
♪Friends...
♪Friends in the police force are okay
Arrest warrant
♪Friends, Friends, Friends, Popends
Thank you very much.
♪Friends, Friends, Friends, Popends
Airport
------------------------------------------------------------------
I am the only passenger?
Let's sit down here.
Ah, now it's off to Rio.
Beautiful.
Hach.
What, toilet up there.
Nah?
Ah that is, yes
it says toilet.
Or... is it?
Yes, must be the toilet.
Could actually take
off the kicks now.
Ugh, no!
Och.
This is an unbelievable stench.
I'd better leave 'em on.
For my own sake.
Good day.
I welcome you
aboard Elke.
The emergency exits are
at the front, side and rear.
In case of pressure loss the
oxygen mask will be automatically
ejected from the nozzles
provided for this purpose.
Life jackets are in the locker
and can be purchased from me.
They cost 800,000 bucks.
Bollocks!
It's true.
As soon as I disappear
in the cockpit we can start.
Well I think I'll
go for a wizz.
Good day ladies and gentlemen.
Welcome on board
this wonderful machine.
46589 Elke.
You are already boarded.
Uh, we have a speed
Of 55,658 feet Fahrenheit.
Uh, and then we have a
glide-, uh, glide wind of 480 degrees.
Uh, it wobbles a little bit, but.
please don't let it get to you.
Uh, the machine is steady.
At a cruising speed, now just
gliding in, straight ahead, free ride.
Ladies and gentlemen, uh, please
put the air sickness bags aside.
We are fit again on the degree
12,000 feet, uh, 695 miles per hour.
If the gentlemen would like some
fruit-, uh, cocktail to, uh, ingest,
then please reach into the
box, inside are six yellow apples.
This has been
your flight captain.
Come back next week.
We will fly straight through to
Rio, without a stopover, flat at 595
kilometers per hour
directly over the ocean.
Your's truly, your travel
captain: Charlie Weiß.
Thank you very much.
They could have at least
screwed the seats in place.
What a fucking piece of junk.
Just like when I used to visit
Mallorca with mom.
And grandpa.
And grandpa.
Dear audience, dear
passengers, for lunch we serve
potato stuff exclusively.
Enjoy your meal.
Oh, air pocket!
Oh, yummy!
Lunch is here.
Oh my, we are flying fast today.
I can't hold it any longer!
The left and the right
wing have broken off.
You can still fit something in there.
Now I'm trying to, uh, eject...
to fly out into the wide world,
and, uh... get help right away.
I'll wipe your eyes clean.
Then you can see how
I shatter into pieces
when we hit the ground.
Have a nice day
and goodbye.
Perfect!
♪00 Schneider, 00 Schneider,
00 Schneider, Schneider!
♪00 Schneider, 00 Schneider,
00 Schneider, Schneider!
Am I already in heaven?
Almost, Baxter.
Der Kommissar 00 Schneider!
I arrest you, in the name of...
my employees.
For the murder of the
funny clown Bratislav Metulski.
How are you going
to prove that, huh?
Nothing easier than this!
The world-famous tracker pilot.
God.
The world-famous tracker pilot!
Yea, it's him, commissioner.
Take him away!
We just have to get
down to the ground again.
------------------------------------------------------------------
You can see the radiators here.
The walls, tiled below.
This is the toilet.
And this prison has
an excellent view.
If you want to see for
yourself, here you go.
Yes, I can look.
Here?
Oh' the wanderlust is on me
and tonight I strike the trail
Good, very good.
It's a good thing that the robber
is now under lock and key,
otherwise he would have
done something to us, too.
He was such a bad, bad man.
We were all afraid, even
we in the hiking group.
Afterwards he would have done something
to us, that would have been terrible.
------------------------------------------------------------------
There you see again.
Crime does not pay!
Well, ladies and gentlemen, this case
is brought to a close, and I say,
there you see once again:
Crime does not pay.
Well, ladies and gentlemen
this case is closed.
But many other cases
in this world... are there.
And there you see once
again: Crime does not pay.
Well, ladies and gentlemen
this case is closed.
But what you can learn from this:
crime does not pay.
There 'ye see again:
Crime does not pay.
Subtitles made by Mo and Julian
Fucking socially insureds.
Prevent me from playing golf.