Two and a Half Men (2003–2015): Season 9, Episode 24 - Two and a Half Men - full transcript

Jake and Eldridge make an important decision about their future after they graduate from high school and get fired from their jobs at Walden's new company.

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Previously on Two and a Half Men:

So? What've you been up to?

I started a new software company
with my old partner Billy Stanhope.

Think we can build the Electric Suitcase?

Yes. We have the technology now.

Something you should know.
It's about your ex-wife.

-What, Bridget?
-Yeah, I'm, uh....

I'm kind of sleeping with her.

-What? Hey!

-What? Hey!


It's 2 p.m.

-So? It's Saturday. I slept in.
-It's Sunday.

Really? That's disturbing.

So, what did you do last night
that you had to sleep all day?

One thing at a time. I'm still trying
to figure out what happened to Saturday.

You're gonna graduate high school.
Don't you think it's time... start getting your life together?
-I will if you will.

-I will certainly consider that, Father.

This is serious. You'll never
amount to anything if you sleep all day.


I'm sorry, I was distracted
by the naked billionaire that just woke up.

Shut up and eat your damn cereal.

Man, I did not think Jeremy
was ever gonna stop talking.

Yeah, that guy really puts
the dict in valedictorian.

Thinks he's great
because he's going to Harvard.

Where is Harvard, anyway?

Dude, didn't you learn anything in high
school? It's the capital of Connecticut.

-Are you sure?
-Yeah. Harvard, Connecticut.

What'd you think
was the capital of Connecticut?



You're an idiot.
Don't know why I hang out with you.

-Because you're gay.
-What does that make you?


So your parents giving you a hard time
about your future?

Oh, yeah. Both my mom and my dad.

-I'm sick of hearing it.

"lf you're not going to college,
then you need to get a job."

Where do they get this stuff?

Beats me.

So, what are we gonna do?

About what?

-Our future.

I could go for some frozen yogurt.

-Good idea, man, let's go.

Should we take our robes off?

No, no, no, leave them on.
They'll attract smart chicks.

Come on, Judith, he's your son too.

I have videotape
of him shooting out of your body.

Yes, I've talked to him about his lack
of plans, but it's like talking to a wall.

A very good-natured but dense wall.

Of course I'm concerned,
but what do you want me to do?

No, I am not gonna ask Walden
to give him a job.


Because it would be an imposition.

Yes, more of an imposition
than me living there for free.

Okay, okay, if it'll get you to shut up,
I'll ask him.

She's never gonna shut up.

Okay, okay, goodbye, Judith.

I am so thankful I have you in my life.

What about my son?

-What about him?
-Gonna ask Walden...

...for a job for Jake but not Eldridge?

Of course not. I was just gonna hold
Eldridge back to sweeten the deal.

I have a question.

-Why didn't you order adjustable chairs?

I did. Mine's adjustable.

What? Wait, that.... How'd you do that?

With this lever right here.

-I don't have a lever.

Well, that's too bad,
you being so short and all.

You did this to get back at me.

-I don't know what you're talking about.
-For sleeping with your ex-wife.

Do you really think that I am so petty...

...that I would pay a chair manufacturer
an extra $480... remove
the adjustable height feature?


That is crazy talk.

How's everything down there
with the Lollipop Guild?


-Hey, guys. Am I interrupting?
-Hey, Alan.

I just thought I'd bring you by
a little office-warming dieffenbachia.

-Aww. Thank you.
-Looks like you got the place running.

Eh, we're getting there.

Electric Suitcase, Inc.
Very, very impressive. Ha, ha.

-What can I do for you?
-Oh, nothing.

Uh, just came to drop off my gift
and wish you well.


Okay, well, I'll get out of your hair.
Uh, nice to see you again.

Yep. Always a thrill.

Oh, there is one thing.

-Here we go.
-Here we go.

You know,
Jake just graduated high school.

-I'm sorry I couldn't make that ceremony.
-Don't be silly.

-No one expected you to.
-You know what? Here.

Why don't you give this to him for me?

Ooh! A hundred dollars.
I will make sure he gets this.

What? I don't even know the kid.

Oh, of course not. Ha, ha.

Um, anyway, I was just wondering,
since you've started this exciting venture...

...and, obviously, you're hiring...

...that there might be
an opportunity here for Jake.

He's not going to college?

Not unless he's delivering pizzas.

Probably true. But he has a good heart.

And I'm afraid if I can't find him
a decent job, he might have to sell it.

Okay, listen, Alan, I'm sorry.

I-- I like Jake, but I just don't think
we have anything here for him.

Oh, okay. I understand.
Look, you know, he's just my kid.

Our future. But, um....

-Well, thanks anyway.
-Wait, wait. Wait, hold it.


Does he know anything
about computers at all?

Not per se, but he is eager to learn.

He's like a sponge
when it comes to soaking up information.

No, he isn't.

Will you give me the sponge part?

Yeah, if you lay him on a wet spot,
he might absorb liquid.

Why are you being such a jerk, man?
Let's give the boy a shot.

Billy, I've seen this kid
spend an entire afternoon smoking dope...

...and trying to lick his own nipples.

Who amongst us hasn't?

-Look, we will take him on. Okay?

-He'll be my responsibility.
-Thank you. You will not regret it.

-Yes, you will.
-I will send him right over.

Oh, one more thing,
my girlfriend's son needs a job too...

...but you're gonna love him,
he's blond. Bye.

Okay, I'm telling you right now,
this is a bad idea.

-How did you do that?
-I don't know what you're talking about.

Okay, fellas. This is the heart and soul
of the Electric Suitcase.

Three hundred state-of-the-art
high-bandwidth servers...

...all working in tandem.


-Any questions so far?

Is there a cafeteria or do we order in?

-There's a cafeteria on the 14th floor.
-Oh, cool.

-I got a question.

Do they have donuts?

Was I lying?

-I don't know if they have donuts.
-That's okay. It's not a deal-breaker.

Glad to hear it.

Okay, guys. All you have to do
between now and 8:00 tomorrow morning... watch the lights
on these servers. All right?

If a green goes to red, it means
a drive's about to fail, so all you do....

You pop it out and you replace it...

...with a fresh one from right here.
See that?

-No problem.
-Got it.

-All right.
-There's no smoking dope in this building.

-Absolutely not.
-No, sir.

Not inside the building.

Or outside the building.

How about the roof?

-What about before we come to work?

-What about brownies?

There's no pot, period!

No brownies, no God,
no roof, not outside, no inside!

-No problem.
-All right.

-Oh, and we just wanted... take this opportunity to thank you both
for this great opportunity.

Because, let's face it,
it is an opportunity.

-And it's great.

Hey, you remember, this is on you.

And on a personal note,
thank you for the graduation money.

-It's my pleasure.
-A kid my age...

...can always use an extra 50 bucks.

You know, I kind of like
this whole working for a living thing.

Feels good.
You know, responsible, grown-up.


All right, we have successfully downloaded
40,000 hours of porn.

That's a lot to watch,
two minutes at a time.

I hope Billy and Walden don't notice
we're using their hard drives.

Don't worry,
I've labeled every movie "personal."

Oh, good thinking.


Oh, red light. I got it.

-Nicely done.
-We got this job nailed, my man.

Yeah. And the best part is, we are in
on the ground floor of the company.


-Oh, another one.
-Allow me.

Maybe they'll give us stock options.
And we'll be rich.

What exactly is a stock option?

It's a call option on the common stock
of the company issued as compensation.

If the company stock rises,
the holder of the option...

...generally experiences
a direct financial benefit.

-Where'd you learn that?
-Wikipedia. It's not just for term papers.

The point is, we're gonna be rich.


-Oh, another one.

So we'll have our own planes...

-...and yachts and chicks.
-Tons of pot.

-Chicks with pot.
-Chicks with pot in bikinis.

-Naked chicks with pot.
-On a yacht.

I like that a lot.


ELDRIDGE: Uh-oh. That's not good.
-Yeah, why are they all going bad... the same time?
-I don't know.

It's like there's some virus.

Like the kind you get
when you download too much....



-Maybe we should call Billy!
-No, we can do this!

Okay, we can't do this!
Call Billy! Call Billy!

Hello, Billy? It's Jake.


I just wanna start, once again, by saying
how grateful we are for this opportunity.

It's great.

How did this happen?

Uh, I don't know.

-Faulty wiring or cheap hardware?
-Definitely not a porn virus.

-Shut up.
-How could you guys do this?

I went out on a limb for you.
I believed in you.

Thank you.
It was a wonderful opportunity.

Oh, great opportunity.

So when do we get paid?


-No. Yeah. I know their parents.

Hey, what are you guys doing here?

I thought your shift didn't end
till 8 a.m.

-Well, we got done early.
-Oh, everything go okay?

I was kind of worried you might burn
the whole place down or something.

Well, it wasn't or something.

How are we supposed to find jobs
in the next 24 hours?

Beats me.

It's like our parents are clueless
about how bad the economy is.


You know what, instead of working
for someone else...

-...we should start our own business.
-I like that.

We could find some adventure capitalists
and become....

What do you call them? Entrepreneurs.

It's not like
we don't have our own ideas.

No, we have great ideas.

Hey, maybe we can put other food
on a stick and sell it.


-Pizza on a stick.
-Pizza sticks.

-Pie sticks.


What are we gonna call those?


Excuse me.

Did I hear you guys say
you're looking for jobs?


Maybe it's me.

-I'm an idiot magnet.
ALAN: Hey.


-How you doing?

-Not so good.
-Yeah, yeah, we heard.

-And we're so, so sorry.
-So, so very sorry.

Well, thank God the files are backed up.

-Insurance will cover most of the damage.
-That's great news!

Yes. Phew.

You do realize
that your children are not normal?

Well, yeah, but you know,
what's normal? Ha, ha.

And in Jake's defense, he never would have
done anything like this unless, you know....

"You know" what, Alan?

I didn't wanna say anything...

...but clearly,
there's a bad influence involved here.

I mean, I don't wanna point any fingers
but his name rhymes with "Smeldridge."

Oh, my God.

You can't be serious.

My son had never been in trouble
in his life until he met your son.

"Never been in trouble?"

He tried to counterfeit money
with a computer and an inkjet printer.

-Government dropped the charges.
-Only because there's no such thing... a $25 bill!

Yeah? What about when Jake
stole your brother's Mercedes...

-...and lost it in Topanga Canyon?
-He didn't steal it, he borrowed it.

He was driving
because my brother was drunk...

...and someone had to take
his hooker home.

In Topanga Canyon,
which is where she lived.

-You are always making excuses.
-And you don't excuse Eldridge?

LYNDSEY: He went through a rough divorce.
ALAN: And Jake didn't?

Well, at least your wife traded up.

-What's that supposed to mean?
-Really? That was too subtle for you?

-Hey, everybody, good news.
-You don't have to worry...

-...about us finding work.
-You got a job?

Yeah. It's not just a job, though,
it's an adventure.

-We're gonna be all we can be.

Oh, no, you didn't.

-We didn't what?
-Join the Army.

Yeah, we joined the Army.
How'd you know?

You need to listen to me.

They are not normal.

-Uh, hi.
-Hi. Looking for a new career?

-I'm 44 years old.
-That's okay.

Today's Army is all-inclusive.

You can be as old and as gay
as you want.

Oh, well, that's good to know. Um....

But I actually wanted to talk to you
about my son, Jake Harper.

Harper. Harper.
Oh, yeah, wants to be a drone pilot.

He told me.
He thinks it's like a video game.

Oh, it is. It's exactly like a video game.

Except we blow up real people.

Yeah, actually that's what I wanted
to talk to you about.

I love my son, but more importantly,
I love my country.

Which is why I don't think my son
should have access to flying bombs.

Or really any kind of weapon.

I mean, between you and me...

...I've seen him try to pick up spilled food
with a fork and stab himself in the leg.

And not just once.

I understand your concern,
but our training is unsurpassed.

-We take boys and turn them into men.
-I know you think that.

But you don't know him like I do.

-He's 18, right?

Not currently on probation
or under indictment?

-Is this his signature?

-Then if he passes the physical...

...he's signed, stamped and off to camp.

I see.

Oh, look! Al-Qaeda!

That's just a copy!

Hey, guys, you like video games?

Congratulations, Jake. I know I'm only
your stepdad but I'm real proud of you.

Thanks, Herb.
Were you ever in the Army?

Well, the KISS Army.

But I don't think that really counts.

You think Mom's ever gonna
stop crying before I go?


My guess is no.

Don't worry, Mom, I'll be fine.
I'm a grown man now.

No, you're not.

You're my big-headed baby.

So, Berta, you gonna miss me?

No, why should I miss you?
You're just an extra toilet to clean.

That is, when you can hit the toilet.

Don't worry, Grandma,
I'll make you proud of me.

I've always been proud of you, darling.
In my own way.

Thanks for everything.

Come here.

Look at the bright side.
You won't have to buy me clothes anymore.

They're gonna give me a dress uniform,
a work uniform.

And even one for when I'm tired.

-Yeah, they call them fatigues.

I don't know why they just
wouldn't call them pajamas.

Oh, my son, my son.

You be a good boy
and you do what you're told...

-...and promise me you'll be careful.
-Don't worry about me.

Worry about our nation's enemies.

I am worried.

MAN: Come on, you lazy pukes!
Move it! Move it! Move it!

When do we start
flying the robot planes?

I don't know. Maybe after lunch.

No, we're going on a 5-mile run
after lunch.

No, I'm gonna skip that.
I wanna take a nap.

Move, move, move!

[English - US - SDH]