Two and a Half Men (2003–2015): Season 7, Episode 2 - Two and a Half Men - full transcript

When Charlie's fiancée, Chelsea, convinces him to let Melissa, Alan's girlfriend, move in, the girls take over the house.

Are you wondering how healthy the food you are eating is? Check it -
Hey, Danny,
did you say good morning to Melissa?

Good morning, Melissa.

- You look lovely today.
- Thank you, Danny.

I think he has a little thing for you.

No, you've got a little thing for her.

I've got a croquet mallet in my pants.

Danny, behave yourself.

Alan, I thought I told you
to keep that doll in your room.

[IN DEEP VOICE] Come on,
he's gotta feed the broad sometime.

- [IN NORMAL VOICE] See what I did there?
- You're so clever.

How about spaghetti with pesto
for dinner?

- Oh, boy, with the pine nuts?
- You got it.

I've got your pine nuts right here.


Buy one, get one free.

Okay, Alan,
I'm only gonna ask you this once.

Has Little Miss Muppet
moved into my house?

What? No.

Huh, really. Then explain why she's here
when I go to bed...

...and still here when I get up.

To be fair, Charlie,
you have an erratic sleep schedule.

That's not even counting
the drunken blackouts.

You're saying I continually miss it
when she goes home?

Charlie, you missed Easter last year.

Was that the time I woke up
with a Cadbury egg melted in my shorts?

Sadly enough, no.

Okay, just so you understand,
this is my house.

You don't get to invite people
to move in.

Why do you keep harping on that?
She is not living here.

I'm just gonna throw in a load of laundry
before I go to work.

Sure looks like she is.

I don't know what he's talking about.

Hey, listen, I was thinking.

Why don't we bring my bed over
from my mother's house?

We've already got a bed.

This isn't a bed, it's a foldout couch.

You're always complaining about it.

Oh, pfft, I complain about a lot of things.
Like automatic-flush toilets.

Everything's gone before you turn around
and check out how you did.

- What the dickens are you talking about?
- Let's leave the furniture.

- I don't wanna rock the boat.
- How is getting a bed rocking the boat?

This is our room, isn't it?

Well, yeah. And no.
I mean, it's still Charlie's house.

- But you pay rent?
- Of course.

The number fluctuates
depending on the economy...

...and whether Charlie is conscious
on the first of the month. But I pay.

Okay, then you need to start
standing up to him.

Oh, please. I stand up to him plenty.

Is that so?


You think he likes unsalted butter?
He does not.

Now, you listen to me, Alan Harper.

You are a strong, assertive man.

I know that
because I couldn't be with you...

...if you were anything less.

Oh, well, yeah, I am.

You know, I don't wanna flaunt
my strong assertiveness..., you know, asking for stuff.

Tell your brother
we're moving my bed here...

...and if he doesn't like it,
well, then that is just his tough noogies.

- Okay, I will tell him.
- Good.

But slowly.

In increments.

As I did with the butter.

- And how long did that take?
- That is not important.

What's important is this is now
a low-sodium, heart-smart household.

He thinks he's fooling me, but he's not.
She's living here.

He moved her in right under my nose.


So? This is the unsalted butter again,
but, you know, writ large.

What difference does it make
if she lives here?

What difference? Are you kidding?

First it's him and his kid...

...and now he's shacking up
with Strawberry Shortcake.

- He pays rent, doesn't he?
- I don't know.

Once, maybe.

He says he did.

So why do you care
who he has in his room?

I care
because there's a principle involved.

- A principle?
- Yes, I made a rule.

Ohh. You made a rule.

Yes, I made a rule.

And I'm making another one:
You do not get to mock my rules.

You're being silly.

Melissa is a wonderful girl,
they love each other...

...and she makes him happy.

And I care about that because?

Because the Charlie
that I fell in love with...

...cares about
other people's happiness.

- That's the Charlie you fell in love with?
- Yes.

Well, joke's on you.

That whole nice-guy thing was a big act
to get you to have sex with me. Ha, ha.

I know you'll do the right thing,

Oh, you do, huh?

Most of the time,
I'm not even sure what the right thing is.

- Hey.
- Hey.

- Got a minute?
- I'm reading.

Okay, we'll talk later.


- He's busy.
MELISSA: Damn it, Alan, get back out there!

ALAN: But I gotta pee.
- You already peed. Now go.

Go, get back out there.



What do you want, Alan?

Well, as you know,
I pay my fair share of rent around here.

We probably have
different definitions of fair.

And share. And rent. But go on.

I just don't think I need your permission
when it comes to Melissa living with me.

Well, you're wrong.
Nice talking to you.

- Charlie. I would hope that...
- Don't "Charlie" me.

This is my house. Not yours, mine.

The fact is, if Melissa moves in...

...that means you've got more people
living here than I do.

- So?
- So there's a principle involved.

That we must discuss.

Okay, so, what's the principle?

The principle is that...'re my brother
and I want you to be happy.

So Melissa can stay? I mean, move in?


Well, all right, then.


You know, I was thinking.

You've got me, Alan's got Melissa,
even Jake's got a girlfriend.

We need to find somebody
for Sir Lancelot.

Your cat?

Doesn't he deserve some happiness?

He can lick his own crotch.
What else does he need?

Come on, Charlie, why shouldn't he have
some companionship?

All right. How about we get him
a nice lady coyote?

- Charlie.
- What? Lt'd be good for old Lance.

- Get a little exercise running for his life.
- You're terrible.


Let the machine get it.

Hi, this is Alan.

And this is Melissa. We're not home
and neither are Charlie and Chelsea.

ALAN: Charlie might be home,
but he's probably in no condition to answer.


BOTH: Leave a message
when you hear the beep.

- Beep!
- Beep!


Hello, Charlie? It's your mother.

Remember me? The woman
who carried you in her womb...

... for roughly seven and a half months?

Anyway, I'd say call me,
but what's the point?

I've long since given up expecting
any kind of consideration or...


Seven and a half months?

She said,
"If God wanted us to lose our figures...

...he wouldn't have invented C-sections
and incubators."

- Hey, all.
- We're home.

- Oh, boy.

- Charlie.
- Hi.

Just so you know, Melissa and I
are gonna put our food on the bottom... take the top
and we'll split the door.

- That's a great idea.
- No, it's not. It's my refrigerator.

Be quiet.

- I bought it. I paid for it.
- Charlie.

- The whole thing, not just half.
- Stop being a child.

I'm not gonna forfeit a grape soda
just because I put it on the wrong shelf.

- Mind if we join you guys?
- Sure.

- What are we watching?
- An Odd Couple rerun.

I never really liked that show.

- Why not?
- Well, I didn't buy the premise.

Who would put up with somebody...

...who drives them crazy
for all those years?

I mean, it would be different
if they were related.

That was fun
picking out our wedding crystal.

Oh, yeah. Barrel of Monkeys.

I'm so excited
about that big punchbowl.

You know
what would be really exciting?

Next time you ask me to go shopping
with you, use it to cave in my skull.


What the hell is this?

Look who's here.

Hey, dude. Party down.

What are you doing?

We invited a few friends over.

You don't have any friends.

Yeah, but Melissa does,
so now they're mine too.

They don't really like you.

They do too.

Dream on, meat puppet.

Who said you could have a party?

I'm sorry. I thought we lived here.

Must we check with you
about everything we do?


What's that guy drinking?
Is that my grape soda?

It was on our shelf.

What did I tell you?

Okay, that's it.

- Charlie.
- No, no, no... This is not acceptable.

Hey, everybody.

Everybody listen up.


Party's over.
Pack up your crap and get out.

I'm not kidding.


I'm counting to three by the way.


- Ah, screw it, I'll leave.
CHELSEA: Charlie.

Forget it. I'm out of here.

See what happens
when I do the right thing?

I think you're really overreacting...

...but if you wanna spend the night
at a hotel, fine.

No, I will not come over there
for a quickie.

Goodbye, Charlie.

He just needs to cool off.

We're really sorry, Chelsea.

We should've talked to you guys
before inviting our friends over.

Your friends.

We need some system where we give
each other a heads up about guests.

That's a great idea.

Excuse me, since when do you two
call the shots around here?

What are you talking about?

All right, ladies.

Let's make something very clear.

There's an established pecking order...

...that needs to be honored.
- Oh, really? And what might that be?

Wow. Heh, heh. Do I have to spell it out?

Please do.


When Charlie is not here,
I am in charge.

That's okay, isn't it?



- Yeah?
ALAN: [IN DEEP VOICE] Room service.

Guess who got himself
kicked out of the house?

Ow! Ow! Cut it out!

What are you doing here?

I didn't have any place else to go.

Well, I got news for you.
You still don't.

Come on, Charlie.

Alan, you're the reason
I'm here in the first place.

I know,
I might've crossed a bit of a line.

A bit of a line?

You moved your girlfriend
into my house.

You invited strangers over
without my permission.

And then to add insult to injury... show up here
with your ugly frigging dummy?

Did you hear that? He called you ugly.

Goodbye, Alan.

Wait, wait, wait.

L... I brought you a peace offering.

- That's my 10-year-old Scotch.
- No, it's not.

Yes, it is.

I saw him take it.

[IN NORMAL VOICE] Damn it, Danny,
what is wrong with you?

What's wrong with me?

You're the one with your hand
between my little wooden cheeks.

All right, all right, enough. Enough.

If I'm gonna drink Scotch,
I'm gonna need ice.

- There's a machine down the hall.
- [IN NORMAL VOICE] Be right back.

Yeah, like I don't have ice.

Thanks for letting me back in.

You were crying in the hallway.

The other guests complained.

Still, it's very considerate of you.

Shut up and drink my Scotch.


Bite me.

This is kind of fun though.

You and me sharing a hotel room
just like when we were kids.


Remember that time Mom took us
on that Caribbean cruise?

- We had our own cabin?
- Yeah.

Took us three days to figure out
Mom was on another boat.

- Good times.
- Mm.

We've lost our house, Charlie.

Your house. We've lost your house.

I know.

- How did this happen?
- Slowly.

In increments.

Starting with the butter.

I can see that now.

The problem is, the women
have established a beachhead.


- What?
- Nothing, nothing.

You just reminded me
why I bought a house in Malibu.

The thing is, if we go back,
we'll appear weak.

I don't mind that.

No, no, no. We need a plan.

We need to figure out some way
to drive a wedge between those two.

- You know, divide and conquer.
- Yeah, but how?

I'm not sure.
Maybe we should sleep on it.

Wanna watch some porn first?


Why not?

I'm drunk in bed
in a hotel room with my brother...

...and you wanna know
why I don't wanna watch porn?

Okay. Okay, I get it.
You don't wanna watch porn.

Mind if I watch?


- So they both just up and left, huh?
- Yeah.

- Those boneless chickens.
- They'll be back.

They just have to get used
to the way things are now.

- Damn right.
- Girl power, my bitches.

Hey, Berta, why don't you whip us up
some French toast to celebrate.

Or we could do it.

Good plan, my bitches.

EVELYN: Hello, anybody home?
- In here.

Oh, what a nice surprise.

Good morning, ladies. Berta.


So where are the boys this morning?

Oh, well,
Charlie's off sulking in a hotel.

Oh, really? Well, what about Alan?

Oh, Alan's too cheap for a hotel.

I see. And what brought this on?

A lot of macho nonsense.

- Mmm. And Alan?
- Just nonsense.

No kidding. Well, I'm glad to see... didn't let them get away with it.
BOTH: Thank you.

And I'm doubly pleased
that you two have managed... put aside
your somewhat distasteful history...

...and bond the way
you obviously have.

What distasteful history?

Oh, come on,
let them make my breakfast first.

- What are you talking about?
- A lot of women might resent...

...the former lover of their fiancé
living in the same house as them.

It ain't me, start cooking.

- You and Charlie?
- Just one little weekend.

If I knew what kind of man he was,
I never would've let him touch me.

- What's that mean?
- Oh, he's fine for you.

Fine for me?

Well, I've got an early meeting.

Nice to see you, girls.

Why didn't you tell me?
I thought you were my friend.


CHELSEA: If it weren't for me,
your ass would've been gone a long...

I believe the balance of power
is restored.

- Thanks, Mom.
- Thank you.

You owe me large.

I think you're overreacting...

...but if you wanna spend the night
in a hotel, that's fine.

Hey, you want me to come over
for a quickie?


Love you. Damn.

Hey, at least Chelsea's coming back.

Melissa said she'll never set foot
in this house again.

All's well that ends well, huh?

Bite me.

Oh, come on, the important thing is
we got the house back...

...and we're once again
kings of the castle.

That's true.

Celeste and I are gonna be
studying in my room.


Oh, right. Set another place for dinner.
She's gonna be joining us.


- Also, she's a vegetarian, so no meat.
- Got it.

- Come on, Jake.
- Coming.

Kings of the castle, my ass.

We're whipped
unto the third generation.