Two and a Half Men (2003–2015): Season 6, Episode 24 - Two and a Half Men - full transcript

Chelsea is jealous when Charlie's ex fiancé, Mia, calls him--perhaps rightfully so. Meanwhile, Judith goes into labor, Herb is incapacitated, and Alan runs into his ex-girlfriend and receptionist at the hospital.

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Fade in.

Exterior--
night.

A dark, desolate prairie.

A lone cowboy sits on a sturdy
horse, gazing up at the moon.

Suddenly, a flash of light appears in the sky,
and a burning meteor plummets to the Earth.

Fade in.
Exterior-- night.

New York City, Hell's Kitchen.

A lone cop sits in a patrol
car, gazing up at the moon.

Suddenly, a flash of light appears in the sky,
and a flaming meteor plummets to the Earth.

All right. Now we're cooking.

- Alan?
- Mia?



- I thought that was you
- What a nice surprise

Didn't you move back to New
York with your husband?

We did but then we split
up. Then I came back here.

O I’m sorry to hear that.

I mean, not that you moved back
here, but that it didn't work out.

So how is Charlie doing?

O he is fine Actually he is engaged.

- You're kidding?
- No, no. She moved in and everything.

- Good for him. So where a you living now?
- What do you mean?

You know. Since Charlie's
fiancé moved in I assumed...

You look great Alan.

Thank you. You too.

- Please give Charlie my best.
- Will do.

- Bye bye
- Bye



Fade in.
Interior, Coffee shop. Night.

An unconventionally handsome man
pounds away at his lonely laptop,

writing the summer blockbuster that will lift
him from poverty and put him in a home of his own.

A beautiful woman crosses
to him. Their eyes meet.

.....

Suddenly, a flash of
light appears in the sky

And a burning meteor
plummets to the Earth.

Two and a
Half Men Season06 Episode24

So, when do you think you'll be home?

But I was looking
forward having dinner with you.

Alright see you later.

Yeah. Love you too.

Love you too.

- Alan?
- Yeah.

Smack your kid for me.

Should we really risk more brain damage?

Thanks for sticking up for me, Dad.

You'll never guess who I ran into.

- Kobe Bryant?
- No.

- Lauren Conrad?
- No.

- Sean "P.Diddy" Combs?
- What is wrong with you?

No, I ran into Mia at the coffee shop.

You're kidding.

No, uh, apparently, she's single
again and, uh, living in L.A.

What's wrong with you?

So... Mia. How did she look?

Oh, better than ever.

Damn.

What did she say?

Uh, she said to give you her best.

- That's it?
- Pretty much.

- How did she say it?
- What do you mean?

I mean, was it perfunctory
or was there subtext?

Perfunctory.

That could be my rap
name. MC Perfunctory.

I don't know.

but I-I mentione that you were engaged,
and, uh, she seemed happy for you.

You told her I was engaged?
Why the hell would you do that?

Because you are, in fact, engaged.

And she seemed happy about that?

Yeah, she said, "Good for him."

- How did she say it?
- Was it perfunctory?

Or were there subtitles?

I'm leaving.

And yet the memory of him lingers on.

- Hey, Uncle Charlie.
- Yeah?

Love you.

To think I fought for shared custody.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, so... so back to Mia.

Oh, don't tell me you're
still carrying a torch for her.

No, I'm not carrying a torch for her.

Why, do you think she's
carrying a torch for me?

Charlie, you are engaged
to a wonderful woman.

Just forget about Mia.

I had forgotten about her.

I had forgotten about
her face... her eyes...

her lips, her legs. Oh, God, those legs.

You're the one who brought her up.

Sorry. Look, I'm the last one to tell you
you can't have feelings for an old girlfriend.

I mean, I myself still have
very strong feelings for Melissa.

Who's Melissa?

My receptionist.

Oh, right. The one that
caught you in bed with her mom.

Uh, you're leaving out a lot of
extenuating circumstances, but...

yes, she caught me
rubbing against her mother.

And you want to compare that
freak show to what Mia and I had?

I almost married her.

All I'm saying is, you can
acknowledge your feelings for Mia

while still moving forward with Chelsea.

That's exactly what I intend to do.

- Good.
- It is good.

You're thinking about
sex with Mia, aren't you?

You're thinking about sex
with Melissa, aren't you?

Trying to, but her mom keeps popping in.

Okay, okay. I'm just going
to come out and say it.

Baseball was better with steroids.

I mean, this guy is leading
the league with 11 home runs.

Back in Sammy Sosa's day,
that was a slow weekend.

Call me crazy, but...

I think people would pay real money to see
a meat-covered robot hit a ball 750 feet.

Okay, well... Sportscenter is over.

Time for sex.

Charlie, please, this
report's due tomorrow.

All right.

I guess our relationship is getting to
that mature, evolved stage they tk about.

- Guess so.
- Terrific.

I hope I die soon.

- What?
- Love you.

Remember when you used to close the
door and tried to hit the porcelain

so I didn't have to hear you pee?

Yeah, way back when we used
to have sex after Sportscenter.

Hello? Uh, hang on.

Charlie, there's a woman
named Mia on the phone.

- Should I take a message?
- No, no, no.

Hello.

Oh, hey, Mia. What a surprise.

Yeah, Alan mentioned he ran into you.

Old friend.

Yes, yes, you heard correctly.

I am engaged. Thank you.

Yes, that was her.

Oh, she's terrific.

And how are you?

Oh, I'm sorry to hear that.

Well, there's plenty more fish in the s.

And I'm sure you'll get out there in
that old dating pond and catch something.

You know, a-a-a
fish, not a disease.

Anyway, thanks for the
good wishes. Bye-bye.

Okay, well, good night.

- Old friend, huh?
- Yeah.

She heard I was engaged and
wanted to congratulate me.

Sweet kid.

Is this the woman you almost
married in Vegas a few years ago?

- Charlie?
- I'm thinking.

Charlie.

- Who told you about that?
- Your brother.

Oh, really?

Did he tell you his last girlfriend
caught him in bed with her mother?

Yes, he did.

What a dirtbag, huh?

So, were you ever going
to tell me about Mia?

What's the point?

Have you told me about every
guy you've ever been with?

Actually, I have.

My boyfriend in high school, two
guys in college and the man I married.

That's
it-- four?

Back in your day, that
was a slow weekend, right?

It's not a competition, Chels.

So, why do you think this Mia is
calling you in the middle of the night?

Honey, it was perfectly innocent.

She just called to congratulate
me on our engagement.

No, she didn't. She called
to see if you're happy.

She wants to know if
you're still available.

Really, you think so?

I mean... Really, you think so?

Yes, I think so.

The question is:are you
happy? Are you available?

Oh, come on, Chels. What
kind of question is that?

No, I'm not available, and
I'm certainly not happy.

- You know what I mean.
- I hope so.

Yep. I'm a happy and lucky man.

Happy, happy, happy.

Lucky, lucky, lucky.

And wet.

I'm kind of wet.

What you writing?

- A screenplay.
- Cool.

Hey, I got a great idea
for a movie if you want it.

Thanks--
I'm okay.

What is it?

Okay. So there's this guy wh on the highway,
where he hits like a moose or something.

And he loses control of his car and
crashes into a truck full of toxic waste.

And wh he kes up in the hospital,
he's part car anpart animal.

Car-nimal.

thanks, but think I'll
stick with my idea.

- Fine-- what's your idea?
- You really interested?

Sure.

Well, it's, uh... it's about a man, uh,
who's at a crossroads in his life, uh,

coming to terms with, uh,
loss and... and mortality.

- You know what you could call it?
- What?

Boring.

Thank you.

Rated G... A-Y.

- Hey, Charlie.
- Hey, Herb.

I'm here to pick up Jake.

Oh, come on in.

Jake, time to get the
hell out of my house!

So, how's it going?

Oh, pretty good. Baby's
coming any day now.

Judith's got that glow of motherhood.

Gangway, I gotta freakin' pee again.

Yeah, she's radiant.

Hey, Herb. Jake's just
finishing breakfast.

Or he could be starting
lunch. It's a fine line.

Well, he is a growing boy.

He's a growing pain in my ass.

He says that with love.

No, I say it with a dull,
throbbing pain in my ass.

My water just broke.

Are you sure?

Yes, I'm sure.

I ain't cleaning that up.

Boy, this brings back memories, huh?

Shut up.

Slipping in Judith's amniotic fluid.

Guess this'll be pretty funny someday.

It's pretty funny right now, Herb.

Hello? A little help here!

Ding! Ding! Ding!

Hold your horses, I'm...

- Dr. Harper?
- Melissa, what are you doing here?

I work here.

I had to find another
job after... You know.

For the last time, I did not
have sex with your mother!

Excuse me, I'm having a baby here!

Yeah, and I think I broke my ankle.

- Quit whining, Herb!
- Her doctor's on his way.

The contractions are
about eight minutes apart.

Oh, well, let's get you to prenatal.

I'll sign you in and have
an orderly take you upstairs.

No. No, No, no. I'm
the father. I'll do it.

Bad idea, Herb.

I'm here, Judith. Everything's okay.

God.

My arm!

I'm coming, Judith!

Stay down, champ. It's not your night.

Oh, my freaking God!

Now, you're not breathing.
You got to remember to breathe.

Good, good, good. Okay.

Now, you're only two minutes apart.
So we're in the homestretch here.

Great.

Boy...

It seems like just yesterday we were at this
same hospital waiting for little Jake to arrive.

I guess after pushing out his enormous head, this
one will feel like spitting a watermelon seed.

So anyway, I really love my fianc\e,

but I can't get this
other girl out of my mind.

I mean, she told my
brother to give me her best.

And let me tell ya, her best could curl
your hair and make your ass whistle.

Is that what you're here
for? A whistling ass?

No-no, no. There's a baby and
some broken bones. Not important.

The thing is, I know you can't expect to keep
the passion of a new relationship going forever,

but I kind of miss it.

Maybe it's just that the grass
always looks greener, you know?

- You see this cooler?
- Yeah.

It's carrying two light beers, a
half a ham sandwich and my thumb.

So you'll excuse me if I lack a certain
degree of interest in your romantic dilemma.

You got beer?

- OhGod! Oh, God!
- Now, focus on me.

Remember your breathing.
One, two, one, two, one...

Dr. Harper?

- Melissa.
- I miss you.

Oh, I miss you, too.

- Can we talk?
- Of course.

Alan!

You're fine. Just keep breathing.

Hey, Charlie!

Look at me. I'm half man, half machine.

Kind of like Jake's
movie idea. Car-nimal!

It's okay, dude. I'm going
to hang here for a while.

I love that guy!

What the hell did they give you?

Oh, the good stuff.

You could pull out every one of
my teeth, I wouldn't even notice.

They didn't, did they?

You're fine.

Okay, then. Guess we should get going.

You drive, okay? I'm pretty buzzed.

What about Judith?

No, let's not bring her. She's a downer.

No argument, but there is the baby.

Oh, my God... the baby!

Judith needs me. I must go to her.

I'm coming, Judith! I'm coming!

Hey, Charlie, how'd
you get here so quick?

Oh, I tried to forget you.
To hate you. But I couldn't.

Really? Most people
don't have that problem.

Beer and chips. This
is turning out okay.

Did you see where my friend went?

He went hobbling down the hall,
mumbling about some Judith.

I better go warn the villagers.

Good luck to you.

Thanks. Oh, and hey.

Good luck to you, too.

God!

Oh, there you are.

You seen Herb?

No, I haven't seen Herb!

Chips?

- No, I don't want any chips!
- Okay.

I don't think you're
supposed to have beer.

Get out of here!

No problem.

Wait! Don't leave me!

I need someone to coach
me through my contractions.

All right.

Way to go.

Judith! I'm coming!

See, I love Chelsea, but you
know, there was a time I loved Mia.

Breathe.

All right, you're fully dilated.

I think it's time to have this baby.

Okay, well... good luck.

Don't you dareeave me!

Judith, I'm here!

Whoopsie. Think I broke my nose.

Three cheers for Demerol.

- Hip-hip!
- Hooray!

Interior-- hospital
delivery room. Day.

An unconventionally handsome man looks
down upon the baby that might be his,

but which he can never claim.

Suddenly, a flash of light appears in the sky
and a flaming meteor plummets to the Earth.

See, that's me holding the baby.

That's me and the doctor.

That's me, Judith and the baby.

Who's that?

Oh, that's just a guy who
got his thumb sewn back on.

I can't get over how
into this baby you are.

It was amazing. The miracle of birth.

If Judith hadn't been there,
it would've been perfect.

So you're not against maybe
having one of your own someday?

I don't see why not.

Turns out, I like babies.

And as you know, I'm a
longtime fan of intercourse.

I know. I got to get back to work.

- Okay, I'll see you tonight.
- Love you.

Love you, too.

- Bye, Alan.
- Bye.

- How's the screenplay coming?
- Great.

Still on page one?

Yeah, but now it really sizzles.

Hi, Charlie.

Mia.

To be continued...

Two and a
Half Men Season06 Episode24