Two and a Half Men (2003–2015): Season 6, Episode 18 - Two and a Half Men - full transcript

Charlie has trouble trying to take care of Chelsea when she gets sick.

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[CHELSEA COUGHING]

[CHELSEA BLOWS NOSE]

- Chelsea?
CHELSEA: Yeah?

You okay?

I think I'm coming down with a cold.

[NOSE HONKS]

That doesn't sound like a cold.
It sounds like quitting time in Bedrock.

Do I feel hot to you?

- Let me see.
- Stop it.

You're supposed to feel my head.

Yeah, but those babies
are my frame of reference.



[COUGHS]

- Maybe I should go home.
- Lf you think that's the right thing to do.

Charlie, it's the middle of the night
and I'm sick. I'm not going home.

- Then why did you say you were?
- I was testing you.

Yeah, well, I knew that,
and I was testing you.

I think we both did very well.

[COUGHS]

Tell you what,
you get a good night's sleep.

- I'm sure you'll feel better in the morning.
- Where are you going?

I'm gonna crash on the couch,
let you have the whole bed to yourself.

Really?
You're gonna leave me here alone?

No, no. I just thought
you might want your own space.

You know, when dogs are sick,
they hide till they feel better.

Probably why they're man's best friend.



Could you please stay?

Pretty please?

How can I say no?

Seriously, how?

Spoon?

[CHARLIE SIGHS]

Try and stop me.

[CHARLIE SIGHS]

[COUGHS]

[HACKS]

So, what,
are you just gonna swallow that?

Go to sleep.

[CHARLIE SIGHS]

What are you doing?

Come on, you know what happens
when we spoon.

I'm sick.

Obviously so am I.

All right, fine.

Go ahead.

This is another test, isn't it?

ANNOUNCER [ON TV]: Coming up next
on Turner Classic Movies:

The Bridges of Madison County.

I am not gonna cry.

Hey.

What are you doing up?

Watching a Clint Eastwood movie.

What are you doing up?

Chelsea's sick.

She was coughing and sneezing
all over the place.

Oh, no.

Yeah. I had to wait
until she finally fell asleep...

...so I could get out of there
without pissing her off.

How considerate.

What do you want from me?
I'm not a big phlegm fan.

- This isn't a Clint Eastwood movie.
- Yes, it is.

Even Clint Eastwood doesn't think
this is a Clint Eastwood movie.

Well, tough. I like it.

Sure you do.
You're a giant fruit basket.

I'll never apologize for my feminine side.

[CHARLIE SIGHS]

Boy, I hope she gets better soon.

This sick stuff
is not what I signed on for.

You're kidding, right?
This is exactly what you signed on for.

You told Chelsea you loved her.
You gave her an engagement ring.

This is what it's all about,
being there for her no matter what.

For richer or poorer, better or worse,
in sickness and in health.

Call me crazy,
but I prefer richer, better and health.

Well, regardless,
this could be a real opportunity for you.

Opportunity for what,
a massive infection?

An opportunity to show her
that she can depend on you...

...that you're not just there
for the good times.

Okay, I hear that.

- Tell me one thing.
- Yeah?

What's in it for me?

Watch Clint and Meryl.

Learn how to love.

I'll take my chances in the snot locker.

[TV PLAYING INDISTINCTLY]

I will not cry.

CHELSEA:
Charlie?

You awake?

[SIGHS]

Boy, I hope not.

I feel awful.

Really?

You look swell.

I should go home.

No, no, no.
I am not falling for that again.

You stay right here,
let me take care of you.

You mean it?

Oh, man.
Do I have to mean it too?

Just kidding.
Can I make you some tea or something?

- Yes, please.
- Coming up.

- With honey.
- Sure.

And maybe an English muffin.

No problem.

Toasted crispy.

Right.

And let the butter melt
into all the nooks and crannies...

...before you put the jam on.

Anything else?

Can I have a hug?

Try and stop me.

- Nice necklace.
- Thanks.

- Buy it for yourself?
- No, a girl gave it to me.

Really? She must like you.

Yeah, she's nuts for me.

- Well, is she cute?
- I guess.

- You don't seem very happy about it.
- I'm not.

- Why, what's the problem?
- She's nine.

Nine? Where would you meet
a nine-year-old girl?

We're in the same math class.

Is, uh...
Is she one of those advanced students?

Sadly no.

But she does help me
with my homework.

Hey, Berta.

Chelsea's not feeling well.
Could you make her tea and English muffin?

Sure, I could.

But you won't.

Is that what you're saying?

[SIGHS]

- Where are the muffins?
- In the fridge, as always.

Don't condescend to me.

He does it to me all the time.
It's very irritating.

No one's talking to you.

See? Like that.

That wasn't condescending.

But that was, right?

Right.

Boy, as soon as I get my license,
I am so out of here.

Sure. You can drive your girlfriend
to Gymboree.

At least I have a girlfriend.

[MOCKING TONE]
"At least I have a girlfriend."

So, what's the deal?
Does, uh, Chelsea have a cold?

Not sure. Cold, flu.
Something disgusting.

Maybe she has an STD.

- What?
- I mean sexually transmitted disease.

I know what STD's are.

Your uncle helped invent them.

You know they can be prevented
by using a condom.

I know we could've prevented you
by using a condom.

Now we gotta use a hammer.

I don't understand.

Go get me a hammer and I'll show you.

Okay.

You must be so proud.

JAKE:
Ballpeen or claw hammer?

Do me a favor.
When he comes back, just do it.

Okay. Here we go. Room service.

Chelsea? Honey?

CHELSEA: Don't come in.
- Wasn't even tempted.

I got your tea and muffins.

CHELSEA:
Oh, I have diarrhea. I can't eat now.

I may never eat again.

CHELSEA: Would you mind going
to the drugstore for me?

For you, I'd go to the ends of the earth.

Coming back's a whole other question.

CHELSEA: What?
- I said what do you need?

CHELSEA: Well, I need Pepto and we're
almost out of tissues.

And I need some decongestant,
some cough syrup...

...something for canker sores
and wet wipes.

For your hands?

- No.
- Got it.

And I'm probably gonna need
some tampons.

Oh, great. There's gonna be blood too.

CHELSEA: You're really being wonderful
about all this, Charlie.

Oh, It's nothing. It's what a guy does
when he loves somebody.

Ah. Should have known.

The second you give them a ring
they fall out of warranty.

- Hey, Russell.
- Mm-hm.

- What's good for canker sores?
- You got canker sores?

No. My girlfriend.

- What do you recommend?
- Tennis shoes.

- Excuse me?
- Put them on and run away.

There's a lot of broads out there.
Find a clean one.

[CHARLIE SIGHS]

I can't run away.
I'm kind of engaged to her.

Oh, Charlie. No.

Yep, I bit the bullet.

[SIGHS]

You bit the big one.

Hey, just because you blew three marriages
doesn't mean I can't make this work.

[LAUGHS]

You're a funny guy, Charlie.

And that's not just
the OxyContin talking.

Here you go. Cank Be Gone.

- What else?
- Ah, let's see. Cough syrup.

- Regular or codeine?
- Don't you need a prescription for codeine?

What are you, a cop?

Here. I'll give you the kid stuff.

What else?

Uh, tissues, throat lozenges, decongestant,
Pepto, wet wipes.

Jeez, where did you find this one,
a hospital parking lot?

Come on, Russell. Help me out.

Okay. Okay. Here you go.

[RUSSELL SIGHS]

A dam for every river...

...a plug for every jug.

Oh, right. I almost forgot.
She also needs tampons.

Oh, lucky you.

[CHUCKLES]

What size?

How should I know?

Is there some kind of a condom-tampon
conversion chart?

No. But that's an amusing idea.

[CHUCKLES]

Actually, it's not about size per se,
it's more about flow.

See, that's a piece of information I could've
gone the rest of my life without knowing.

Here you go. Here's a variety pack.

This will handle anything
from a little drizzle to a monsoon.

Listen, is it too late
to change my mind about the codeine?

The first one's free.

[MOUTHS]
Thank you.

[COUGHS]

Okay.

Got all of your stuff.

Took you long enough.

Whoa, whoa, I just went shopping
from wet wipes and tampons.

I'm allowed to take my time.

Sorry. You mad at me?

No. No. Why would I be mad at you?

Because I'm sick
and you have to take care of me.

[SCOFFS]

Are you kidding me?
I love taking care of you.

I just love...

...it.

Yeah, I can see that.

Listen.

Can you go over to my place and get me
some clean clothes and feed Sir Lancelot?

- Who?
- My cat.

He's not gonna feed himself, Charlie.

Are you sure? Maybe you've got mice.

Oh, you're probably gonna have
to change the litter box too.

Change it into what?

You got to scoop out the poop
and put in fresh litter.

Oh, this just keeps getting better
and better.

Charlie.

- Yeah?
- I love you.

Great.

Aren't you gonna say it back?

I'm gonna go pan for cat turds.

If that doesn't say I love you,
nothing does.

I promise, I'm wearing it.

Wait a sec.

Okay, I sent you a picture.

Now what's the answer to number four?

Oh, yeah, that's what I had.

- What you doing Alan?
- My taxes.

I promised myself I wouldn't wait
till the last minute.

Yeah, you promised me
you'd only stay here for a few days...

...so your word means nothing.

- You're driving me to Chelsea's.
- Why don't you drive yourself?

Because I just chugged
a half a bottle of codeine...

...and this bourbon might make me
a bit of a threat on the road.

Ah, good call.

Here kitty, kitty.

[CLICKS TONGUE]

Here kitty, kitty, kitty.

Okay, I got her clean clothes.

Great.
Now I just gotta feed the damn cat.

Come on, Sir Lancelot.

Come out and eat your kibble.

[SIR LANCELOT CATERWAULS]

Ow!

Son of a bitch.

I'm pretty sure if you just put the food out,
he'll find it and eat it when he's hungry.

Really? Think if he was that smart...

...he'd just crap in the toilet
instead of a litter box.

Oh, uh, did you change the litter yet?

No, I was actually gonna
offer you $20 to do it.

I'll take it. Ha, ha.

Deal.

Ha, ha. I would have done it for 10.

Ha, ha.
I would have given you a thousand.

Whoa.

Big cat.

You know what I just realized, Alan?

Cough syrup and hard liquor don't mix?

No, they're delightful.

I'm thinking sooner or later Chelsea's
gonna wanna move in with me.

Yeah, you marry her
that's the chance you take.

And she's probably gonna
wanna bring Sir Craps-A-Lot.

You never know.

He might want to get his own place.

I'm guessing he will before you will.

Oh, Lord.

This cat's been eating more than kibble.

This turd's got feathers.

You know there's a real chance
that someday...

...without any kind of warning
whatsoever...

...Chelsea will up and decide
to get sick again.

We're on the air with codeine and bourbon.
Go ahead caller.

I'm just saying I don't think
I can go through it again.

I'm not cut out to be a caregiver.

Ah, you might not think so
but you're doing it.

You, Charlie Harper, are unselfishly
taking care of the woman you love.

Maybe so, but, uh...

...it's getting harder and harder
to love her.

You don't mean that.

Oh, Alan, if you'd seen and heard
the things I have in the last 24 hours...

...it'd turn you gayer
than a French horn.

Excuse me,
but I have witnessed childbirth.

I saw my son's enormous head...

...poke out of what used to be
one of my very favorite places.

Thanks for the image.

I'll never be able to watch
the kid pull on a sweater again.

If you hang in there, show Chelsea you'll
stick by her even when not at her best...

...she will love you more deeply and
intensely than you could have imagined.

And you know this how?

How else? Chick flicks.

Oh, this is not a kitty cat.

This is a mountain lion.

- Look.
- Hey, hey, hey.

- You need some more orange juice?
- No, thank you.

It was so nice of you to bring some up
without me even asking.

Don't tell Charlie.

It's taken a long time to train him
not to expect anything from me.

Got it.

[BERTA SIGHS]

He really is crazy about you, you know.

- You think?
- Are you kidding?

Charlie doesn't go near sick women.

I mean, physically sick.

Around here...

...one sneeze will get you a cab fare
and a complimentary travel mug.

I have noticed he's trying very hard.

Just remember, when it comes to nurturing,
Charlie's like a dog playing the piano.

You can't fault him
if he hits a few bum notes.

You just got to applaud the effort
and hope he doesn't whiz all over the keys.

I understand.

Thanks, Berta.

Just so we're clear this ain't no hotel.

You need more towels
you get them yourself.

[SIGHS]

Sorry about that.

You really can't expect much from her.

I won't.

Here. I got you clean clothes
and underwear.

The cat's fed
and the litter box is turd free.

Thank you, Charlie.

You have been so wonderful
through all of this.

I have, haven't I?

I just want you to know...

...I am definitely
gonna make it up to you.

Chelsea, to be honest,
that's the only thing that's kept me going.

- Uh-oh.
- Uh-oh, what?

[CHELSEA VOMITS]

Oh, Charlie, I'm so sorry.

No, no. It's okay.

At least it's not wicker.

Excuse me a second.

[CHARLIE VOMITS]

[COUGHING]

[BLOWS NOSE]

[COUGHS]

Okay, I am going to go to the pharmacy
and get your medicine.

If you get it from Russell, count the pills.

Will do.

- Hope you feel better.
- Thanks.

Charlie, you don't mind
Sir Lancelot being here, do you?

No. Not at all.

- I love cats.
- Good.

[COUGHS]

[DOOR CLOSES]

[SCRATCHING]

Don't scratch the door, Sir Lancelot.

Clean my litter box?

Oh, come on. I've been sick.

Fine. I'll just use your facilities.

Not in the tub this time, okay?

Your house, your rules.

[GASPS]

[PANTING]

I'm not going to make it.

[COUGHS]

Yes, you are.