Two and a Half Men (2003–2015): Season 6, Episode 14 - Two and a Half Men - full transcript

After his family acts mean-spirited during Alan's "surprise" birthday party, Alan decides he's had enough and moves in with his girlfriend and mom.

Would you like the last sausage?

- Oh, how about we split it?
- Okay.

Meet you in the middle.

Okay. Sexy.

Nothing says love like
a little morning pork.

You're home early. How was Vegas?

Never again.

Oh, you lost?

No, Alan. I won so much freaking
money that I'm embarrassed to go back.

All right... well, uh,
you remember Melissa?

Of course he remembers me, Alan.



He deflowered me, then dumped me.

No offense, sweetheart, but your flower had
been plucked and potted long before I met you.

Okay, okay, look. Look,
we're all adults here.

This doesn't have to be awkward,
you know. I mean, sure...

Melissa is my receptionist, and sure, she was
with you, and sure, that ended badly, but, uh ...

Okay, I guess this
does have to be awkward.

Honey, shouldn't we be
getting ready for work?

Yes, yes, let's do that.

You want to shower together?

Oh, great, great. Uh, let me
just, uh, start without you.

There's a couple of
things I'd like to prewash.

There's a mental image I didn't need.

Charlie, I need to talk to you.

I'm sorry I was a jerk.



I'm happy for you and Alan, and I will kick myself for
the rest of my life for losing someone as special as you.

No, silly, it's about something else.

Oh, good, 'cause even
I didn't believe that.

Alan's birthday is next Saturday.

Really? I don't think so.

Yeppers. He's gonna be 40.

Wow, that is so weird.

My baby brother's gonna be 40.

- How old are you?
- 39

That's what makes it so weird.

Anyway, I think we should
have a party for him.

Why?

Because it's an important birthday, and he deserves
a big party with all his friends and loved ones.

All right... all right,
let's break this down.

You want him to get what he deserves.

You want it to be with his friends and
loved ones, and you want it to be big.

Pick one.

Come on, Charlie.
Don't be such a pooper.

If it's gonna be a fun
party, I need your help.

You want it to be
fun? Don't invite Alan.

- Charlie...
- Okay.

Okay, you know who would love to
help you out with this? Our mom.

Really?

Oh, yeah. Nothing she likes better
than extending herself for other people.

Good idea. I'll give her a call.

You do that.

Wait till she hears Alan's 40.

DeSto presents:

Two and a Half Men
Season 06 Episode 14

Charlie.

Wake up. I need to talk to you.

Don't move. Don't blink.

Maybe she'll think
you're dead and leave.

I know you can hear me, Charlie.

She's bluffing. Just stay still.

Okay, don't panic.

You've experienced
oxygen deprivation before.

I can't breathe, Mom.

Oh, good, you're awake.

What can I do for you?

I received a very unsettling
message on my answering machine,

and I would like you
to explain it to me.

Okay, look.

Sometimes the liquor makes
me say hateful things.

No, this message was from
some woman named Melissa.

Alan's receptionist.

Really?From the sound of her voice,

I'd guess she earns her living
baking cookies in a hollow tree.

Anyway, she's somehow gotten it into her
head that Alan is turning 40 on Saturday.

Yeah, so?

Is she insane?

Running around telling
people my son is 40?

I know. She's a bad person.

That's not all. She wants
me to help with a party.

Where in God's name could
she have gotten such an idea?

Beats me.

Maybe the fact that you're his
mother confused the poor girl.

Oh, you're up.

You've been cleaning in
there this whole time?

Sure, let's say I was cleaning.

Hey, Uncle Charlie, if you're going out
today, can I pull your car out of the garage?

No, I don't want you pulling
my car out of the garage.

Okay, I won't. From now on.

Hey, what's, uh...
what's going on up here?

Oh, terrific.

This meeting of the worst club in the
history of the world can now come to order.

Madam President, you have the floor.

Oh, I get it. Sorry to interrupt.

Go back to what you were planning...
uh, uh doing, uh, whatever.

Oh, uh, apropos of nothing, uh, I like
red velvet cake and close-up magic.

Oh, crap. Now we have
to throw him a party.

- Who?
- Your father.

- Why?
- It's his birthday.

Can I bring a date?

- You got a date?
- That depends.

- On what?
- Can I borrow your car?

You don't got a date.

You know, we don't have to go out to
dinner just 'cause it's my birthday.

Don't be silly. This
is a very special night.

How many times do you turn 40?

In my family, three or four.

Well, the first time
is the one that counts.

Okay So... so, it's just us, right?

Of course, it's just
us. Who else would it be?

I don't know. My friends, family.

A close-up magician.

Oh, darn, what gave it away?

Well, when I left the house, Jake was taking
a shower, uh, Charlie had on long pants,

and Berta said she had to quit early because
she was going to some loser's birthday party.

Oh, good, I had her down as a "maybe."

Promise you'll act surprised.

Oh, my God, what a surprise!

I don't know these people.

We have a private room.

Sorry.

We got a private room.

Go back to your dinner.

Ooh, gazpacho.

This is so nice.

A private, intimate dinner
for just the two of us.

Oh, my God, you guys!

There's nobody here.

I don't understand it. I told
them to be here an hour ago.

Yeah, well, what are you gonna do?

My family are a bunch of
thoughtless, selfish butt-wipes.

Surprise.

Evelyn, smile.

That's a keeper.

Listen, darling, are you going
to be cutting the cake soon?

Because, actually, I have
a real party to go to.

You can't go. We haven't
even done the speeches yet.

Oh, of course.

Were we supposed to write speeches?

For what?

For Alan.

Let him write his own speech.

Uh, can I have your attention, please?

I want to thank you all for coming
to celebrate this wonderful occasion.

I thought it was Alan's birthday.

And now it's time to say a few
words about the guest of honor.

I can think of a few words.

Not only is he a terrific
doctor and fantastic boss,

he is also good and kind
and smart and funny...

and... a really swell kisser.

I can still hear you.

Sorry I'm late. I was burning a fatty
with one of the busboys in the parking lot.

How are you?

Everyone, this is my mother, Shelly.

Mom, this is Alan's
mother, Evelyn, and...

Sweetie, save your breath, because I'm
way too toasted to remember a lot of names.

Ooh, bread.

All right, well, uh,
now that we're all here,

why don't we take turns saying something
about Alan and how much he means to us.

Okay, Jake, you want to start?

No, I got to go make room for cake.

Uh, Berta, why don't
you get the ball rolling?

Sure. What the hell?

Zippy, I got to tell you, when you first
moved in, I didn't really care for you.

You were a persnickety,
self-righteous, smug son of a bitch.

And now here we are, six years later.

Thank you.

Hear, hear.

Oh, okay. Anyone else?

Okay. I'll go.

I have pictures of myself dressed
in a forest ranger uniform,

and I have absolutely no memory
of ever working as a forest ranger.

Thank you.

All righty.

Uh, who's next? Evelyn?

Me? Isn't it enough I carried
him for seven and a half months?

You'd be surprised how many
women opt for the full nine.

Come on, Evelyn, you
have to say something.

Oh, fine.

Alan, darling.

You were always the good son.

Of course, your brother
didn't set the bar very high.

- Hear, hear.
- Wait a minute.

Charlie, do you want to say anything?

Uh, all right.

Alan, you're my little brother.

And I know over the
years I've tormented you.

I've embarrassed you in public.

I've tied you to streetlights, car
bumpers, the occasional angry animal...

Oh, remember that Fourth of July when I used
your ass as a launch pad for my bottle rockets?

Anyway, I guess what
I'm trying to say is...

thanks for the memories.

That's it? That's all you have to say?

I suppose I could talk
about his bed-wetting.

You people are horrible.

No. Honey, it's okay.

No-no-no-no,
it's not okay.

You should be ashamed of yourselves.

This is a warm and wonderful human being and
he deserves more, especially from his family.

I don't even know why you
guys showed up tonight.

Well, I can't speak for anybody
else, but I'm getting overtime.

Come on, Alan. We're leaving.

Really? Before the cake?

You don't need people
who don't appreciate you.

Uh, well, no, but I do kind
of need Charlie's house.

No, you don't. You'll come live
with me and Mom. Right, Mom?

You know, I did spend a summer
in Yosemite doing shrooms,

so maybe I wasn't an
official forest ranger.

Let's go. Mom, we're leaving.

Okay. I'm sorry. This is
the best bread I ever had.

Who likes magic?

I shaved for this?

- Berta?
- Who's asking?

What's wrong?

Too much celebrating last night.

I didn't notice you
drinking at Alan's party.

No, afterward.

With the magician at his place.

You went back to his place?

Well, technically, his van.

Well, why didn't you just stay home?

If I stay home, you don't pay me.

So you just came in to lie on my couch?

Tough times, Charlie.

Some people are living in their vans.

Oh, make it stop!

Hello?

Hi, Mom.

Alan? Nah, he didn't come home.

You're right. We were
funny. He just overreacted.

I'm sure he'll come back
eventually. He always does.

You should've named him "Herpes."

Yeah, I wish I'd thought
of it last night, too.

Talk to you later.

So what are we going to do today?

Aren't you going to ask about your dad?

What about him?

Were we not at the
same party last night?

Did you not notice when you finally came
out of the toilet that your father was gone?

You know, now at you mention it...

Herpes, Jr.

Look who's back.

I'm not back I just
came to get my stuff.

You're really going to
milk this thing, huh?

I'm not milking anything,
Chlie. There is no milk.

I'm moving in with
Melissa and her mother.

Sounds like milk to me.

I need to be someplace where I'm appreciated,
someplace where I'm nurtured and loved.

You're not taking me seriously, are you?

Oh, come on, Alan.

You ain't going anywhere.

You know it. I know it.

The seagulls out there
crapping on my deck know it.

You think he'll be back?

Oh, yeah.

No, no. This is it.

This is where I cut the cord!

Oh, man.

I think David Copperfield
slipped me a roofie.

I really appreciate you
taking me in like this.

Yeah, we love you,
Alan. We want you here.

You're a good man, and
you have a beautiful soul.

It is beautiful, isn't it?

God forbid my family should notice.

- Oh, damn, I knew I'd forget something!
- What'd you forget?

My son.

Well, that's no problem.

We'll just move Mom's hydroponic equipment
out of the garage and make a bedroom for him.

Hydroponic equipment?

I'm a bit of a horticulturist.

A little herb garden.

Ah, okay. Well, uh, uh, just a
heads-up, I love my son and everything,

but he hasn't quite gotten
to "beautiful soul" yet.

He's more "methane cloud."

He's still one of God's flowers.

All he needs is a little love,
ultraviolet light, potassium

and he'll grow into
some righteous chronic.

Quitting time.

What are you doing here?

I'm watching TV.

- Why didn't you go with your dad?
- Dad was here?

Yeah, he came by to get his stuff
and I figured that included you.

I'm not stuff, Uncle
Charlie. I'm a human being.

Don't flatter yourself.

And turn off the TV. I'm
taking you back to your mom's.

Mom and Herb are in Mexico.

For how long?

I don't know.

Turn off the TV. I'm
taking you to Mexico.

Can I drive?

You all comfy, cozy?

Mom made you some hot chocolate.

Oh, thank you.

Oh, and it's got those little
marshmallows. I love those.

Good. I'm going to the market.
What would you like for dinner?

Oh, gosh, I don't
know. What do you want?

I want to please you.

Really?

No one's ever said that to me before.

Get used to it.

I'll try.

Now, what can I get you?

Um, well...

you know the macaroni that's
shaped like the little wagon wheels?

I do.

I like that with melted cheese.

You got it.

Oh, and maybe a couple of
those bottled wine spritzers?

Okeydoke.

I'm getting mac and spritzers
I'm getting mac anspritzers.

Here you go, bright eyes. I
made you some banana bread.

Aw, really? Banana bread? Oh, thank you.

Wow, it's still warm.

Mmm, right out of the oven.

Oh, that's, uh, that's very unusual.

Uh, I'm tasting bananas and,
uh, what is that, nutmeg?

Nope.

Mmm, that's good.

You know what? You might want
to just start with half a piece.

I can't believe it.

Believe what?

I think I miss him.

Miss who?

Your father.

What about you?

What about me what?

- Do you miss him?
- Who?

- Your father.
- Why? Where is he?

Honey, they didn't have any spritzers,
so I got you 7Up and sangria.

Alan?

Oh, hey, baby. Have you
tried your mom's banana bread?

I'm back.

I'm shocked.

- Hey, Alan.
- Yeah?

- Happy birthday!
- Thank you!

- I told you he would be back.
- Who?