Two and a Half Men (2003–2015): Season 5, Episode 1 - Large Birds, Spiders and Mom - full transcript

Hey, Berta, how have you been
washing my underwear?

Like I do everything else around here:

With a song on my lips
and love in my heart.

I'm serious.

I got a rash in my, you know,
private area.

Private? You get more traffic
you're gonna have to open a Starbucks.

I thought maybe
you'd changed laundry soap...

...because it's all red and itchy,
especially around-

Excuse me.

I'm sitting here
eating a breakfast sausage.

It's not a sausage problem.



It's more in the meatball area.

Kind of meatball adjacent.

I bet it's swamp ass.

What's swamp ass?

Don't worry,
you'd know if you had swamp ass.

Man, I hate swamp ass.

- You sure it's just a rash?
- What else could it be?

Since we're talking about your area...

...it could be anything
from Ebola to mad cow disease.

You get Ebola from monkeys, right?

Right.

It's just a rash.

A kid at school got swamp ass.
Cats followed him around for a year.

- You know what? Let's forget about it.
- Oh, if only we could.



Speaking of school,
we've got a big day ahead of us.

Gotta go shopping for supplies, clothes.

Nice segue, Dad.

Well, the subject was crying out
for change.

You're starting a new school.
You're gonna need new stuff.

Wait a sec.
Melon Head made it into junior high?

- Yes.
- So you passed summer school?

- Sort of.
- What do you mean " sort of"?

They said it was in everyone's
best interest if I moved on.

What's that mean?

Promoted him.
He's starting junior high.

And there's absolutely nothing
to be gained in asking how or why.

Okay, well, whatever.
I'm proud of you, man.

- For what?
- I don't know...

...hanging in there
till they were sick of you.

Thanks.

So junior high, huh?

Boy, that brings back some memories,
doesn't it?

Can we please not go down that road?

What happened?

Nothing. It's just that kids
in junior high can be a little judgmentaI.

Especially if you're knocked up.

Thank you, Berta.

Of course, on the upside...

...the pregnant chicks
didn't have to go to gym.

Did the guys who got them pregnant get
considerations? No, not even a hall pass.

Are we quite done?

Things will go great for you.

- You just have to remember a few things.
- Like what?

Well, always keep
your lunch money in your shoe...

...but have some spare change
in your pocket.

- How come?
- Decoy money.

They won't stop hitting you
till they get something.

Who are " they"?

The kids holding your ankles,
plunging your head in the toilet.

Plunging my head in the toilet?

Don't freak the kid out, Alan.

It's not so much plunging as dipping.

Here's what you do:

Make friends with the janitor.
They usually have their own bathroom.

- Okay.
- Just never drink out of his Thermos.

All right.

And don't believe he loves you.

Damn it,
I miss that one-eyed son of a bitch.

And if you have to shower
after gym class...

...there is no shame
in keeping your jockey shorts on.

- Really?
- Okay, there's a little shame.

The important thing is the fellas
won't be calling you Shrinky Dink.

- Shrinky Dink?
- I'm a grower, not a shower.

Oh, I almost forgot.

I got you a little present.

- Your very own cell phone.
- Oh, cool.

The important thing
to remember is this is not a toy.

- It's to use in emergencies only.
- Emergencies? What emergencies?

"Dad, come get me.

I'm stuffed in my locker
and my underwear is wet."

That only happened once.

If that dog hadn't found you,
you'd have missed Thanksgiving.

- Drug-sniffing dog?
- There were no drugs.

That's true. Turns out those dogs
are also sensitive to urine.

I was in there for five hours.

Five hours?

But you don't have to worry about that.
You have a cell phone.

Which you should hide where
prisoners of war hid their watches.

- Where was that?
- Moving on.

I've preprogrammed the phone:

Speed dial one is me,
two is the nurse's office...

...and three is the police.

The police? What for?

You'll know it when it happens.

Now, about race riots....

- Try not to take sides.
- Anybody asks, you're mulatto.

- How do they feel?
- Okay, but they're ugly.

They look like old-people shoes.

They're not old-people shoes.
They're walking shoes.

Right, for people
who've been walking for 85 years.

I'd rather get these. These are cool.

Listen, junior high
is not about being cool.

It's about
not getting mugged for sneakers.

I can get mugged for my sneakers?

Not those sneakers.

Not unless you go by
an assisted-living facility...

...in a rough neighborhood.

What are you doing?

I'm sorry. This rash is driving me crazy.

I feel stupid in these.

Better to feel stupid
than to be tied to a flagpole...

...while upperclassmen
use you as a spittoon.

I don't wanna be tied to a flagpole.

You won't be. Wear the ugly shoes
and don't sit at the wrong table.

Wrong table?
How will I know if it's the wrong table?

You'll be tied to a flagpole, right, Alan?

That also only happened once.

Let's just check the fit.

Good.

Plenty of room for lunch money.

How come all my clothes
have to be beige?

Because beige is not the color
of any known gang.

Right, instead of being mistaken
for a Crip or a Blood...

...you'll be mistaken for a Band-Aid.

Hey, Band-Aids are ouchless.

Excuse me? Excuse me, there's a line.

- Yeah, I just got a couple of things.
- I can see that...

...but it's not based
on quantity of items.

It's more of a
"we were here before you" kind of deal.

You gonna make a thing out of this?

There's no thing.
Just playing by the rules.

And wouldn't it be nice
if everybody did the same?

Hang on to this, slick.

Now, you wanna explain
those rules again, jughead?

You know what? If you're in a hurry,
why don't you go ahead?

Thank you.

What the hell are you doing?

Nothing. Here.

No, no, not chicken.
Just good common sense.

- Fighting accomplishes nothing.
- Oh, I didn't know you were so French.

- Hey.
- Oh, hey, Julie.

How do you know my wife?

What? Oh, no, no, no, I don't know her.

You said, " Hey, Julie."

No, no, I sneezed.

- Gesundheit.
- Thank you.

Oh, look, another cashier opened up.
Let's go, let's go, let's go.

But Mom said I could wait
for the bus by myself.

I know.

I would really rather wait
for the bus by myself.

I just wanna make sure
you get off okay.

Yeah, but being walked to the bus stop
by my dad and my uncle?

I'm gonna look so lame.

Jake, buddy, that ship has sailed.

Please don't leave me.

You're okay.
Just don't make eye contact.

Okay, when the bus comes,
don't take a window seat.

You don't wanna be trapped
and get pummeled.

- Pummeled?
- And be polite to the driver.

They tend to be damaged people
with short fuses.

- Fuses?
- Don't distract him.

There's no seat belts.

One sharp turn, and you kids
will be flying like lotto balls.

Balls?

Wait, wait, wait.

- Smile.
- About what?

I need a current picture
in case you go missing.

Alan, you're being ridiculous.
They never find those kids.

Give me a profile.

Okay, now go make it a great day.

Have fun.

I just hope everything turns out all right.

Well, we've done all we could.
Now it's up to him.

Okay. Okay.

Tell the doctor that if I was a tree...

...the rash is predominantly
around the mossy trunk area.

But I'm starting to see some redness
on the adjacent boulders.

Oh, come on.

Tree, two boulders,
what part don't you understand?

- Hey.
- Hey.

Okay, just have him call me.

- Heard from Jake?
- Nope.

I'll call him at his mom's,
see how school went.

- Alan, does this look infected to you?
- What?

Get that away from me.

I'm not asking you to tickle it.
Just take a look.

No, thank you.

But you're a doctor.

I'm a chiropractor.
I work with vertebrae.

And contrary to popular belief,
there is not a single bone in the penis.

Oh, hi, Judith.

Nothing. I was just talking to Charlie.

Hey, hey, is Jake home
from school yet?

No?

Okay, I was just
wondering how his first day went.

Have him call me, okay?
Thanks, bye-bye.

Hope he didn't wander
under bleachers during lunch.

- He's smarter than that.
- Smart?

He only got out of sixth grade
because he couldn't fit in the desks.

If you're that concerned,
just call him on his cell.

Good idea.

Jake? Jake, where are you?

You're still on the bus.

Funny, I don't hear the other kids.

Oh, yeah, it was a tough day.
Everybody's tired.

No kidding.

Dad, this phone
is for emergencies only.

Why aren't you at your mother's?

I got off the bus at school,
got on another bus and came here.

- So you've never been to school today?
- Of course not.

I don't wanna be stuffed in a locker,
tied to a flagpole or dunked in a toilet.

Not dunked. Dipped.

- And where are your new sneakers?
- Oh, I sold them to the bus driver.

Charlie, can I talk to you a minute?

- Are those my comics?
- Charlie.

They're near mint
and he wipes his boogers all over them.

He was here all day
and you didn't know?

Hey, I've got a rash.

I can't believe he cut school
on his first day.

When you think about it,
it's pretty smart.

As far as the school is concerned,
he might just be a typo.

Charlie, the question
is why did he cut school?

Oh, that's easy.

You scared the crap out of him
and dressed him like an ace bandage.

Hey, hey,
I was just trying to prepare him.

For what? A life of running and hiding?

No, no, a life of blending in.

Only if they see you,
running and hiding.

Face it, Alan. When the lord
was handing out courage...

...you were crouched in a locker,
peeing on your socks.

Okay, first of all,
I had had three Mr. Pibb's at lunch.

And secondly, I am not a coward.

Come on. I've seen steelier nerves
from a cat on the freeway.

That's ridiculous.

Dingo.

Okay, I was not ready and that was
not fair. And what about you?

- What about me?
- You're afraid of everything.

- Like what?
- Well, let's see.

Germs, change,
opening your eyes underwater...

...angry husbands, angry ex-girlfriends,
large birds, spiders and Mom.

Hold on.

Hold on a sec.

I am not afraid to open my eyes
underwater, I'm just sensitive to chlorine.

- Right.
- And for the record...

...it's just when birds get indoors.

In the sky, I got no problem.

Fine, fine. Live in deniaI.

I'm gonna straighten my kid out.

And what sane person
is not afraid of spiders?

What I'm trying to say
is that it was wrong to fill your head...

...with a lot of horrible things
to avoid at school.

Because the truth is
you can't avoid any of them.

Charlie.

You don't want him living in fear.

- Well, yeah, but I was-
- Well, scary things happen in life.

- He can hide like you-
- Like us.

Don't nitpick.

Or you can stand up to them.

I mean, look,
getting hit in the face hurts.

- But you know what hurts more?
- A kick in the crotch?

Well, yeah, sure.

I took a soccer ball to the nads once,
thought my eyes were gonna pop out.

Yeah, but that pain passes.

What hurts more
and lasts longer than anything...

...is the humiliation of running away.

I couldn't ride my bike for a week.

Jake, I think you're missing the point.

Makes you wonder what they're doing
hanging down there in the first place.

No, what I think Uncle Charlie
is trying to say...

...is that, yeah, you might get hit,
you might get stuffed in a locker...

...but you know what? You'll survive.

You may get bruised, you may bleed,
you may lose a few teeth...

...but you'll have your self-respect.

- Exactly.
- How do you stop being afraid?

Well, I drink.

But I didn't start till ninth grade.

Yeah, Judith.
He was at Charlie's the whole time.

Well, he said
he was too scared to go to school.

How should I know why he's so scared?

Maybe you're overprotective.

Good one.

I know you mean well.

Oh, all right.
We'll be there in a few minutes.

Okay. Bye-bye.

- Did you hear that?
- Yeah, it's Mom's fault.

Attaboy.

Come on, it's green. Let's go.

What's the matter with this guy?

Looks like he's coming to tell you.

Lock your doors. Lock your doors.

Wait, no, no, wait.
I am tired of running and hiding.

- Are you tired of running and hiding?
- Yes, I am.

Remember, Jake,
courage is not the absence of fear...

...it's taking action despite fear.

That's very true.

- Let's do this.
- Right behind you.

Two against one wouldn't be fair.

Now, that's courage.
Aren't you proud of him?

You got your cell phone?

It's only for emergencies.

Help me.

I think this qualifies.

Charlie, Charlie, Charlie.

- Hello?
- Hi.

Charlie. Charlie.

You are a bad brother.

I really thought you had him.

Mr. Harper, try not to sneeze.
You'll blow those stitches right out.

Thank you, doctor.

Hey, doc, while I got you here,
let me show you something.

Oh, my goodness.
Your little jimmy's all crimson.

Yeah.

So, what do you think?

Well, it looks like an allergic reaction.

You been applying anything
to your genitaI region?

The usuaI, waitresses and actresses.

Oh, wait, wait.
Does Grecian Formula count?

Grecian Formula?

You tried to get gray
out of your pubic hair?

I wanted to leave silver
around the sides.

You know, look distinguished.

Distinguished? That's interesting.

We have a saying in my country:

"You can put a tuxedo on a goat,
but it's still a goat."

Yeah, well,
we have a saying in my country too:

"Help me, my balls are on fire."

Fair enough. I'll get you some salve.

How about that? Allergic reaction.
Nothing to be scared of.

All's well that ends well, right?

What did they give you for the pain?

You lucky bastard.

I wish my balls hurt more.