Two and a Half Men (2003–2015): Season 4, Episode 16 - Two and a Half Men - full transcript

Charlie is getting older, making love every day or more exhausts him physically, to the point of needing a rest between bangs. So he needs to take his girl Robin -24, about half his age- out again, and brings Alan dancing to a club for her 24-year, ugly girlfriend, a recipe for a miserable night followed by a brotherly row. Then Charlie gets chest-pains, Alan brings him to hospital, clearly worried even more when he hears the beach-house inheritance comes with a mortgage. After Dr. Prajneep finds it's only gas, Alan takes Charlie to a 'fountain of youth' for their age...

Morning, Charlie.


Good, I don't have to give him


He sleeping?

Sure, let's call it sleep.

Uncle Charlie, I'm gonna have
a bowl of Maple Loops.

You want one?

You sure he's okay?

I never said
he was okay.


You really shouldn't
see him like this, Jake.

There. Now you can
enjoy your breakfast.

What's wrong with him?

Oh, he's getting old, kiddo.

I wish you could've
seen him in his prime.

He was like Babe Ruth.

He played baseball?

No, he was a drunken

But there was none better.

Oh, God, look what the cat
dragged in.

He didn't just drag it,
he ate it, pooped it out

and then covered it with sand.

You know what'd be funny?

To paint a big mustache on him.

That would be hilarious...

but no.




You okay?


What time did
you get home?

I'm home?

You are.

Oh, God, I'm blind.

It's a miracle.

Okaysee you tomorrow.

Good night, Berta.


Look who's finally up.

How'd you sleep?

Okay, I guess.

Good, I'm glad.

Oh, Tater Tots.

Help yourself.

Jake, I said no.

I didn't dot.

He didn't.

What are you staring at?

Nothing, se?r.

So, uh, how are you feeling?


What day is it?



Well, in that case I feel great.

Why "in that case"?

If it was Thursday,
I'd be a little worried.

I don't know, Charlie,
you've been pushing it
pretty hard lately.

What do you mean?

I mean you're not a kid anymore.

Oh, please.

I'm in the best shape
of my life.

Now, that doesn't belong
inside of me.

It takes a lot to gross me out,
but wow.

Hey, get your stuff together.
I'm going to bring you
back to your mom's.

Let me tell you something, Alan.

You're only as young
as the women you feel.

And lately,
I've been feeling about 24.


Yep, and she doesn't think
I'm old.

She thinks I'm cute and fun.

And rich.

Yeah, the rich helps.

I'm not that cute.

Okay, fine.

I understand the allure,
the nectar of the young berry.

But I also know what happens
when you burn a candle
at both ends.

How would you know that?

Did you take a candle-making
class at the Learning Annex?

Hey, I have done my share
of walking on the wild side.

The wild side?

Okay, the rambunctious side.

My point is there comes a time
in a man's life

when he has to start accepting
his limitations.

Yeah, well, my point is the day
you start accepting limitations

is the day you start dying.

And I'm not dying, my friend;


Now, if you'll excuse me,

I'm gonna go throw
up and take a nap.

That was fun!


How long until
you're ready to go again?

You mean tonight?

Oh, yeah, I forgot.

You're old.

Hey, hey, hey, I'm not old.

I'm just not a...
yogurt dispenser.

You're almost
as olds my dad.

All right, listen,
if you're looking to go again,

that's not the way
get there.

Aw, did I hurt your feelings?

No, no, you didn't hurt
my feelings.

It's just, you know,
there are certain

biological factors
you have to take into account...

Yeah, my dad takes Viagra.

Good for him.

All I'm saying is

we could do something else
for a while

and then come back to this.

Great, let's go to a club.


It's 11:00.

So we'll get there early.

Actually, I was thinking more
along the lines of

making some toaster pizzas
and watching The Daily Show.



I'm bored.

If we're not gonna have sex,
I nt to go out.

Okay, tell you what,
why don't you go out

and, you know,

and when you come back,
wake me up and we'll have sex.

That's a lame idea, Charlie.

Okay, you can skip
the waking me up part.

I'm just gonna go
call some friends.

No, no, wait, wait.

Come here, come he.

I think I'm ready
to go again.


I got nothing--
let's go dancing.

Yeah, I'm coming with the guy
I told you about, the old guy.

I don't know.

I think he's got a little
brother who's old, too.

I'll ask him.

Great, we'll see you there.

Hey, do you think your brother
would want tcome with us?


No, he's not the type.

He'd be miserable going to
a dance club at this hour.

Wait here, I'll go get him.

Oh, you just missed it.

Jon Stewart made a very clever
joke about the budget deficit.


Get dressed,
we're going dancing.

Yeah, right.

Toaster pizza?

No, come on, let's go.

You're serious?

But it's after 11:00,
and I'm all tucked in.

Too bad.

I'm drinking nighty-night tea.

Come on, Robin
wants to go dancing,

and I'm gonna need
a designated driver.

Hey, just 'cause you're
making a fool of yourself

trying to keep up
with a 24-year-old girl,

doesn't mean I have to join you.

She has a 24-year-old

Is it dressy-dressy
or dressy-casual?

Just take it.
Maybe it'll
loosen you up.

I don't think so.

Recent studies
indicate that ecstasy

may well deplete
your spinal fluid.

ah, so?

Young lady,
I am a chiropractor.


You know what,

my date isn't working out.

Well, maybe
you'd get somewhere

if you stopped talking to her
like you're her fher.

Well, somebody has to,
because her real father
has obviously dropped the ball.

Oh, wonderful, a smoker.

So I guess you're counting on
stem cell research

to replace your spine
and lungs.

Alan, Alan,
you're embarrassing me.

I'm embarrassing you?
Look at yourself.

You're standing in
line in a dank alley

in the middle of
the Urine District.

Hey, this is the hippest
club in town.

Oh, hip, schmip-- it's
a toilet with a doorman.

Somebody lit a doobie.

Oh, yeah, oh, yeah,

that is definitely
the ganja.

Great, now we're all
gonna get busted.

Will you just relax
and let yourself have some fun?

Oh, this is fun for you?

Exhaust fumes
and reefer smoke?

Let me tell you
something, Charlie.

I'm not a kid anymore.

I need plenty of
rest, exercise and a gh-fiber
diet, and...

Oh, perfect, I just
stepped on a condom.

Go ahead,
have a good time.

Hold it.
We're with them.

I don't think so.

No, no, we are.
Although truth be told,

I don't see a long-term
relationship in the offing.

You understand.

Don't touch the rope.


I didn't realize you
were king of the rope.

Shut up, Alan.

Look, if you're not
on the list,
you're not getting in.

You let the girls in.

He let the girls in.

That's because pretty girls
dress up the place.

Watch how this works.


why don't you check
your list for Jackson.

Andrew Jackson.


Got Tito and LaToya.


What if I change
my name to...

Ulysses S. Grant?

You can change your name
to Condoleezza Rice.

If you're not on the li
and you're not a celebrity,

you're not getting in.

All right, look,

I didn't want to have
to play this card,

but I'm Charlie Harper.

I'm in the music business.

I wrote
the Maple Loops jingle.

Granny's Big Fudge Nuggets?

Oh, I love those cookies.

You got any on you?

Beat it.

Charlie, let me
handle this.


I am Matthew Broderick.


Bruno, they're with me.

Are you sure?

This is a good chance
to cut 'em loose.

Guys, come on.

Matthew Broderick
is a gifted actor????????

Oh, for God's sake, will
yostop complaining?

Well, I'm sorry, but
the music in that club
was so loud,

my ears
are still ringing.

You know what
that sound is?

That is the sound of the little
hairs in my middle ear dying.

I am talking permanent
hearing loss, Charlie.

Those little hairs
don't grow back.

Oh, wait, let's
see something.

* Ah.... C-Sharp... *

* C-Sharp is the sound
of encroaching deafness. *

Listen to you;
you're like an old man.

I can't listen to me.

All I hear is... * Ah... *

Worst night of my life.

u're just ticked off
because you couldn't keep up.

I couldn't keep up?

I was out on the dance floor
with the girls

while you were sleeping
in the booth.

I wasn't sleeping.

I was closing my eyes,

because I couldn't bear
to watch you do this.

I was voguing.

You were napping.

Nobody vogues anymore, Alan.

And guess what?

Nobody does the robot
anymore, either.

Oh, yeah?

Then why did it catch on
with the other dancers?

It di't catch on.
They were openly mocking you.

What do you want from me?

I went out to the club,
I went to the after-hours club,

I went out to breakfast,

I held my date's hair

while she vomited pancakes
in the parking lot.

Well, if you weren't whining
about wanting to go home,

you'd be having sex
with her right now.

Oh, darn. What man doesn't dream
of kissing second-hand pancakes?

And I have to go to work.

You know what?

You are a fuddy-duddy.

I'm... I'm a fuddy-duddy?

Hey, if the orthopedic shoe
fits, wear it.

They are not orthopedic.

They merely have a reinforced
arch for the active lifestyle.

And you were napping.

Okay, maybe I needed
a little shut-eye.

But that's only because
I had vigorous sex earlier.

Oh, let's fa it.

We're both too old
for the MTV lifestyle.


Did they just defrost you?

Okay... MTV, VH-1,
whatever the kids are watching.

My point is,

I am comfortable
acting my age,

while you are in deep denial.

Hey, hey, I am not in denial
about anything.

I am a young, vibrant man
in the prime of my life.

I-- (coughs)


Young people have phlegm, too.



as I was...

Oh, God.

What's the matter

My chest.

Are you okay?

I don't know...

Hey, Alan...


Do you think it's too late
to start jogging?

Damn it, what kind
of hospital is this?!

Where the hell
are the doctors?

That's my brother
in there!

If he dies,
I'm homeless!

Uh, everything's fine.

They're just going
to run some tests.

Not to worry.

Easy for you tsay.

Listen, Alan,
if I don't make it,

you need to know
about my will.

Hey, I don't want to hear
that kind of tal
You're going to make it.

But go on, finish
what you were saying.

First of all,

I left the house
to you and Jake.


You're going to make it.

Just so you know,
there's two mortgages on it

and the property taxes
are $50,000 a year.

Really? $50,000?

Uh, excuse me.

Do you got to flat line
to get a little help
around here?!

Do you got to move
to Canada to get some
decent medical care?!

Uh, they'll be right here.

So, uh... 50 grand, hu

Boy, I don't know...

how I could afford that.

You know, unless I came
into some money, you know.

An inheritance or something.

There's no money, Alan.


The whole thing's
a house of cards.


Okay, I did not want
to have to do this.

But I am Matthew Broderick.

And that is my brother
lying there.

I'm so sorry,
Mr. Broderick.

I loved you
in The oducers.

Thank you.

Okay, let's have
a look-see, huh?

According to your tests,
you just had an acute
attack of indigestion.

It was gas?

Yes, a big bubble,
about the size
of a pomegranate.

What have you had
to eat recently?

Nothing much.

He had Belgian waffles,
link sausages, two Red Bulls,

a quart of scotch

and the tongue of
a 24-year-old actress.

He asked what I ate, Alan.

And I told him, Charlie.

Oh-ho, you're
a dirty bird.

Well, the good news is that you
are a perfectly healthy
50-year-old man.

I'm only 40.

Tell that to
your liver.

I recommend you slow down a bit.
I've been saying the same thing.

And you...

Why no sequel to
Ferris Bueller, huh?

I wait and I wait.

I'm sorry;
I'll get on it.

Ah. Give the people
what they want.

So, gas.

Good news, huh?

A little embarrassing, but yeah.

What do you have
to be embarrassed about?

Oh, I don't know-- the
paramedics, thambulance,

the crying and the last-minute
negotiations with God.

Oh, right.

Are you still planning
on teaching piano to orphans?

If any show up, sure.

Well, will you at least
accept the fact

that you have to slow down?

Yeah, yeah.

It's weird, Alan.

It seems like just yesterday I
could... I could party all night

and eat and drink
anything I wanted to.

Now a couple of Red Bulls
and a waffle,

and I'm sitting in the emergency
room praying for a fart.

Now you know why I ordered
tomato juice and cottage cheese.

I got to admit, yodo
take good care of yourself.

I try.

I guess that's why
I keep you around.

Because I'm a good example?

No, you clod,
spare parts.

What are we watching?

Antiques Roadshow.

This woman thinks she has
Martha Washington's
butter churn.

Toaster pizza?

Thank you.

So, you going
out tonight?

Eh, what's the point?

Look, Charlie, I'm glad
you're slowing down a bit,

but you haven't been out
of the house in a week.

Eh, it's too depressing.

Wherever I go,
I'm the oldest guy in the room.

Even here.

Hey, what would you think
about getting a cat?

Okay, that's it.

Put some clothes on.
We're going out.

It's 9:00.

I was going to make
some kettle corn.

Forget the corn;
you're coming with me.

Where are we going?

You'll see.

Can you drive?

I don't like to drive
at night.

What the hell is
this place?

The fountain of youth.


Follow me.

Ooh, look, young stuff.

May I ask you
a personal question?


How old are you?

I just turned 40.

Oh, you're a baby.


Hey, I have a little
riddle for you.

All right.

What has multiple
orgasms and hums?

I give up.

Come on, I'll show you.


Alan, I'm leaving.

And may God bless you.