Two and a Half Men (2003–2015): Season 2, Episode 6 - Two and a Half Men - full transcript

After confessing responsibility for a childhood shoplifting incident blamed on Alan, Charlie seeks the forgiveness of his now infuriated brother.

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- So, dear...
- What?

Do you see anything you like?

I don't know. What's venison?

- Deer.
- What?

- Deer.
- What?

Deer. D-E-E-R.

What? W-H-A-T.

What's wrong with him?

Jake, it's... It's the deer
in the forest, like... Like Bambi.

Oh, cool, let's eat Bambi.

Coming soon to pay-per-view.



Mom, wha...? What are you doing?

- Nothing.
- Oh, that's stealing.

Hardly. I'm paying $ 12 for a martini.

They're lucky I don't take a chair.

- You're paying?
- Figure of speech, Charles.

Can I take this?

- No.
- Oh, come on.

My precious.

Put it down. We do not take things
that don't belong to us.

Listen who's taking the moral
high ground, Mr. Five-Finger Discount.

- What does that mean?
- It doesn't mean anything.

- How do you want your venison?
- Does it come with antlers?

Alan, there's no reason
your son can't learn from your mistakes.

I didn't make a mistake, Mom.



Unbelievable.
Twenty-five years later...

...and he still denies shoplifting.

Oh, I get it. Five-finger discount.
Cool.

I did not shoplift, Jake.
It was a misunderstanding.

Alan, please.

Walking around a toy store
with your brother...

...and the Silly Putty just jumped
in your pocket?

Yes.

Not much of a lie, Dad.

Okay, everybody ready to order?

Is that why you won't
let me have Silly Putty?

It's a stupid, pointless toy.

But why'd you steal it?

I didn't. The security guard must have
planted it on me to make a bust.

Oh, Alan.

Who in their right mind would plant
Silly Putty on a 9-year-old boy?

Who, indeed?

- Hey, Jake, you ever eaten snails?
- Yeah, sure.

I mean, in a restaurant.

Oh, no.

- You okay?
- No. That deer didn't have antlers...

...when I ate it,
but it's sure coming out that way.

Well, you'll feel better tomorrow.

We should sue that restaurant.

Well, I'll get right on it. Come on.

- Dad?
- Yeah.

Did you ever steal a car?

I never stole anything.

It's okay. You could tell me.

I already know you got a rap sheet.

For the last time,
I did not take that Silly Putty.

But the experience
did teach me a very important lesson.

And you know what that was?

If you get caught, stick to your story,
no matter how lame it is?

- No, the lesson was...
- Hang on, Dad.

Okay, go ahead.

The lesson was...

Oh, God, Jake. That's...
That's awful.

Yeah, I wish I could have saved
that one for school.

- You too?
- Yeah.

Apparently Mom wasn't
the only parasite at dinner tonight.

Hey...

...how much do you remember
about the whole Silly Putty incident?

Oh, gee, not too much.

I recall you crying when they dragged
you into the store manager's office.

Then I went and got a corn dog
and an Orange Julius.

Boy, those were good.

- Remember those?
- No, I mean...

...did you see me take
the Silly Putty?

Oh, no, no,
I was nowhere near the Silly Putty.

I think I was in the doll section,
taking a peek under Barbie's dress.

What a gyp that was.

If Jake had been caught
shoplifting and told me the story I told...

...there's no way I'd believe him.

Well, let's just hope
he doesn't get caught.

- Can I tell you a little secret?
- Okay.

I always knew
it wasn't the security guard.

Really?

There's only one rational explanation
for how the Silly Putty got in my pants.

And what would that be?

That I actually stole it,
but my mind couldn't deal with it.

So somehow, I blocked it out.

The human brain, huh?
You gotta love it.

That happens, right?
You do something horrible...

...and wake up with no recollection?
- Oh, yeah.

And yet there she is,
lying right next to you.

You know, that day changed my life.

I mean, ever since, I've had to be
on guard against Bad Alan.

I'm sorry, "Bad Alan"?

Yeah, it's... It's what I call
my potential for evildoing.

- Oh, God.
- It's why I've always worked so hard...

...to be a good son, a good student,
a good person.

And you've succeeded.
You are good, good, good.

Well, sure, I turned out great,
but at what cost?

I mean, do you have any clue
how tightly wrapped I've had to be...

...to keep Bad Alan in check?

I get glimpses.

Well, I suppose
I should count my blessings...

...that I was stopped.
Who knows what kind of monster...

...I would've become if I hadn't
been caught with the putty.

But what if the security guard
did plant it on you?

That would mean there's no Bad Alan.

That's true.

But I can't afford
to take that chance.

None of us can.

He's fine.

Hey, Charlie.

Hey, Rose.

Looks like somebody needs
a shoulder to cry on.

No, thank you.

Wanna just make out then?

- Rose...
- You're right. That was out of line.

I deserve a spanking.

Okay, what's up?

- Can I trust you with something?
- You trust me...

...with your bank account number.

I never gave you
my bank account number.

Right, right. Go on.

Have you ever done anything
so wrong, so horrible...?

Oh, yeah.

- Let me finish.
- I'm sorry.

Something that seemed
harmless at the time...

...yet somehow managed
to mess up someone's entire life?

Good question.

I think it's too early to say. Go on.

Well, I have.

Twenty-five years ago,
I put Silly Putty in my brother's pants.

Well, if you left it in the egg,
it should still be good.

My point is,
everybody thought he stole it...

...and I never told him the truth.

Now you're wracked with guilt...

...and not sure whether a confession
will make things better or worse.

Yes, exactly.

That's a sexy feeling, isn't it?

Come on, Rose.

You want my advice, Charlie?

God help me, yes.

Take your secret to the grave...

...but leave a manuscript explaining
every questionable act...

...you've committed
in a safety-deposit box...

...with instructions for it to be opened
at your death...

...and read in front of all your friends,
relatives and former lovers.

I like it.

Good.

Now we can relax
and enjoy the evening.

Sing it with me, Charlie.

Three, four, five, six, seven.

- Are you decent?
- Yeah.

Three, four, five, six, seven.

What's up?

- Nothing. Just came in to say good night.
- Three, four, five, six, seven.

Why?

Three, four, five, six, seven.

Nothing. You just seemed stressed out
before, and I was concerned.

Oh, thanks. You're a...
You're a good brother.

Three, four, five, six, seven.

You do that every night?

Are you kidding? After every meal.

Three, four, five, six, seven.

You are tightly wrapped, aren't you?

The price of healthy gums
is eternal vigilance.

Oh, God, I can't do this anymore.

- Do what?
- I have to tell you something.

- Okay.
- Come on out in the bedroom.

All right.

- What you doing?
- You'll understand in a minute.

- I thought you had to tell me something.
- I do.

There is no Bad Alan.

I stole the Silly Putty...

...and put it in your pocket
when you weren't looking.

- Three, four, five, six, seven.
- Damn you to hell!

Come out here and die like a man!

What do you know,
there is a Bad Alan.

Hey, Dad, when you got arrested
for shoplifting, did they take you to jail?

I did not get arrested,
and there was no jail.

So I guess you never had to shank a guy
to get your props in the yard.

You cracked the parental code
on the cable box again.

It's 1-2-3-4.
A monkey could crack that.

- Good morning.
- Morning.

Why are you walking like that?

I spent the night in the bathroom.

You too, huh?

Tell Jake what you told me
last night.

Oh, okay. Sure.

Jake, your father didn't steal
the Silly Putty.

- I did.
- Really?

Yeah, I stuck it in his pocket,
so if anything happened...

...he'd be the one to get in trouble.

What do you think now, Jake?

I think Uncle Charlie's a genius.

What? No, no. No genius. No, no.

I mean, it's the perfect crime.
How did you think of that?

I don't know.

I saw the putty. Your dad was wearing
those dorky chinos with the big pockets.

- And a light just went off in my head...
- Charlie.

A bad light. A bad, evil light.
Because stealing is wrong...

...and letting somebody else
take the blame for it is worse.

Yeah, so Dad was like a decoy.

Well, technically, the term is "mule."

- Mule? Why?
- Because he carries stuff.

- Oh, of course...
- Okay, okay.

The important thing is,
your father never stole in his life.

And your Uncle Charlie
is a thief and a coward.

Yeah, but you're a mule.

Are you happy?
Go get dressed and washed.

- Can we go to the mall?
- Why do you wa...? No.

I need to get a different mule.

Okay, can we please get past this?

No. No, we can't.

I feel betrayed and hurt
in ways that I can't even express.

And you think we can
just dance past that?

I was hoping.

Well, I am sorry,
but it is not that easy.

I mean, thanks to you, my... My life
has been twisted beyond recognition.

I mean, look at me, Charlie.

I'm a... I'm a broke, hopelessly neurotic,
middle-aged man...

...who doesn't know who he is
or where he belongs.

I have nothing, Charlie.

- No... No wife, no home, nothing.
- Okay.

So should I check back with you
after lunch?

What do you want me to do?

I said I was sorry.
L... I confessed to Jake.

And I doubt I got more than six,
seven hours sleep last night.

Nothing you can do.
The damage has been done.

- It can't be undone.
- Come on, I'm your brother.

- You're gonna forgive. You always do.
- No, no, this is different.

- This is the worst thing you've ever done.
- No, it's not.

What do you mean?

Just making conversation.

- Hey, Mom.
- Charlie, what are you doing here?

- In the neighborhood. Thought I'd visit.
- Why?

- I don't know. I'm your son.
- And...?

- And I was hoping we could talk.
- About?

May I please just come in?

Are you fleeing from the law?

- I'm not fleeing from anyone, Mom.
- Well, keep it in mind.

No one would ever think
to look for you at your mother's house.

- I get your point. I don't visit enough.
- You don't visit at all.

And I'm riddled with guilt.

Oh, you're just saying that
to make me feel better.

So, what's up?

You know how the other night
at dinner...

...we were talking about
the Silly Putty deal?

Did that venison disagree with you?

Yeah, that's not
what I came to talk about.

I've got a good mind
to sue that restaurant.

- Yeah, anyway, about the Silly Putty...
- What about it?

Alan didn't steal it. I did.

I put it in his pocket.

You framed your baby brother?

How could you?

I know, I know.
It was a rotten thing to do.

Rotten? It's unspeakable.

Do you have any idea
what you put me through?

- You?
- First the embarrassment...

...of people thinking
that I'd spawned a petty thief.

Then all the trouble I went to
trying to figure out clever ways...

...to hide my jewelry
from his sticky little fingers.

- That's really not what l...
- Not to mention the hundreds of hours...

...spent driving him to therapy
with that creepy Dr. Demerest...

...while I could have been...
I don't know, doing something fun.

Okay, yeah,
it was a real imposition on you...

...and as it turns out, it had
kind of a negative impact on Alan too.

Alan? Oh, yes, of course.

You know, there was no insurance
for kleptomania therapy in those days.

It was all out of pocket.

Yeah, but about Alan...

...I was hoping you might have insight
as to how I could get him to forgive me.

Why ask me?

You know,
I'm starting to wonder that myself.

I guess it's because he still loves you...

...despite all the lousy stuff
you did to him.

I beg your pardon?
I was a wonderful mother.

And if Alan thinks otherwise...

...it's only because that walleyed
Dr. Demerest put ideas into his head.

Well, that was money well spent.

Okay, then.

I didn't need a reason to drink tonight,
but it's nice to know I've got one.

Hey, Charlie, wait.

- What?
- Have you forgotten why you came here?

You want forgiveness, right?

- Yes.
- Well...

...I forgive you.

But next time, call first.

Would you pass the salt?

Could you get me the salt?

- Dad, salt.
- Sure.

- Here.
- Thanks.

Oh, would you give me
the ketchup, please?

Here. Here's the ketchup.

Thank you.

- Dad?
- Yeah.

If Uncle Charlie
let you kick him in the nuts...

...would that make you guys even?

No.

Boy, he's really mad at you.

Relax, Jake. We're just having
a little communication problem.

That's what Dad said
right before Mom threw him out.

Nobody threw me out.

Your mother and I mutually decided
that we weren't compatible.

You don't seem compatible
with Uncle Charlie right now.

- Well, it's not my fault.
- Was it your fault with Mom?

No.

You know, Dad, maybe you're
the one who's not compatible.

If you're done with dinner,
do your homework.

Fine, kill the messenger.

- Oh, come on, Alan. Talk to me.
- No.

Look, I wanna make this right,
but you gotta help me.

Please, tell me what I can do.
I'm begging for your forgiveness.

I am sorry,
but you did something...

...which affected my life
in a deeply destructive way and...

l... I don't think I have it in me
to forgive you.

- Hello? Anybody home?
- In here, Mom.

Well, how are my boys
doing this evening?

Well, I think Mommy
has the answer. Alan...

...if you find it intolerable
living under the same roof...

...with the brother
who betrayed you...

...then you and Jake
can come and live with me.

We're good.

Hey, Charlie, a couple of days ago...

...you said the Silly Putty wasn't
the worst thing you ever did to me.

It's ancient history. Let it go.

I know, I know.
It's just... I'm curious.

What else have you done to me
that I didn't know about?

- It's not important.
- Yes, it is.

The truth about
the shoplifting incident...

...it's allowed me
to reevaluate who I am...

...and... And feel better about myself.

- Well, that's great.
- Yeah.

I feel a lot better since I confessed.

Good, good.
So let's keep going with this.

Okay, but you gotta promise that
no matter what I tell you, all is forgiven.

Oh, absolutely, absolutely.

You're probably gonna laugh.

- I'm sure I will. Tell me.
- Well...

...remember how you were
a bed wetter till you were 8?

Yeah.

You actually stopped at 6.

Wha...? What...? What did you do?
Did you sneak into my room and...?

And...? And pour warm water on me
while I was asleep?

Yeah, okay, let's say it was water,
and let's say I poured it.

Well, I feel better. How about you?