Two and a Half Men (2003–2015): Season 2, Episode 4 - Two and a Half Men - full transcript

After Charlie reluctantly lends Evelyn his new car, he later discovers her bra in the back seat. Meanwhile, Alan is forced to compensate after Jake gets attached to Judith's rich and talented boyfriend.

Are you wondering how healthy the food you are eating is? Check it -
- Hey, Alan?
- Yeah?

You had the "just say no" talk
with Jake, right?

Of course. Why?
What talk did you have with him?

No talk, it's just that he's...

It'll be more fun if you see it.

I'm guessing you don't mean
fun for me.

Tell the truth.
How proud do you feel at this moment?

What the hell is he doing?

I don't know. Ten bucks says he hits the
ceiling if we turn on the garbage disposal.

- Jake, what are you doing?
- Breathing.

Breathing. Any particular reason
you're doing that in the sink?

I have to practice.

Man, the girls are gonna love him
when he grows up.

- Jake?
- Yes?

- I'll bring him up.
- Yeah.

Hey, that's not funny.
I could have drowned.

And then we'd have found your body
days later, washed up on the dish rack.

- Where did you get all this snorkel stuff?
- Greg bought it for me.

- Greg?
- Yeah, you know, Dr. Melnick...

...Mom's boyfriend.
He's a real cool guy.

He's gonna teach me how to scuba-dive
after I learn to snorkel.

We're gonna need a bigger sink.

He's got a gigantic boat with bedrooms
on it, and scuba tanks and wet suits.

We're gonna go diving off Catalina. Wait
till you see the flippers he bought me.

Well, Judith's boyfriend
sounds like quite a guy.

- Yeah.
- You okay with that?

Oh, yeah. Yeah, I'm fine.

This can be a sensitive area
for divorced guys.

- I know.
- Ex-wife sleeping with another man.

- Son starting to bond with him.
- Yeah. Yeah.

- Big boat.
- Charlie, what's your freaking point here?

No point. Just drilling for the nerve.

So, what do you think? You wanna go
bowling today? Maybe catch a movie?

No, I'm gonna take another bath.

He does know there's an ocean
out there, right?

Well, Greg doesn't want him
in the ocean.

He wants him to spend time
training in a pool.

In fact, my son's a little unhappy
about being here...

...because he wanted to go snorkeling
in Greg's pool.

He's got a boat and a pool?

I guess you can afford
cool stuff...

...when you don't have to sell your blood
and sperm to make alimony payments.

Hey, hey, my relationship with my son
is not based on having cool stuff.

And lucky for you.

- Come on, look at the bright side.
- What bright side, Charlie?

Delineate the bright side.

Maybe one weekend Greg will let us
take a couple of chicks out on the boat.

Why on earth
would he lend us his boat?

He's tight with Jake,
we're tight with Jake. We've got an in.

Are you not hearing my pain? My son
likes Judith's boyfriend better than me.

Hey, I don't even know him
and I like him better than you.

You'd think I'd learn.

Alan. Alan, your son loves you.
You're a big influence on him.

- You are the most important role model.
- Oh, I guess.

I mean, so what if you can't teach him
to scuba-dive.

For that matter,
you can't teach him to ski...

...or hit a curve ball
or anything cool, really.

But you bring plenty of other things
to the table.

Thank you, God.

- Hello, Charlie.
- Always a price, isn't there?

- Hello, Alan.
- Jake's taking a bath.

As much as I'd love to spend time
with my grandson, I'm in a hurry.

Need to borrow your Mercedes.

Well, since you're in a hurry,
I'll give you a quick answer. No.

Charlie, please.
I'm showing a house in half an hour.

What's wrong with that
little electric car you bought?

Nothing, it's fine. It's what anybody
who cares about this planet is driving.

If you're trying to sell real estate
to a Saudi oil prince... can't be driving up in some little
toy car with a plug in the bumper.

You could use my car, Mom.

You see? Now, that is how a loving son
treats his mother.

Thank you, sweetheart,
but I need to look successful.

- Charlie, your Mercedes.
- No, forget it.

- Charlie, I am not leaving until you give...
- Happy motoring.

Thank you.

My car is in your driveway.

And if you lose power,
there's a kite and a key in the trunk.

For the record, there are other ways
of measuring success besides cars.

You're right. There's boats and pools.

You know what? I hope Mom puts a dent
in your big, shiny, new Mercedes.

Hey, don't say that.

If you're gonna hope for something,
hope she drives it off a cliff.

So this is pretty cool, huh, Jake?
An electric car.

I guess. What happens
when the batteries run out?

You plug it in and recharge it.

But what if there's a blackout?

You sit in the back seat
with a pistol...

...and wait for the looters,
just like any other car.

- Charlie.
- It's a cool car, Jake.

Greg has a really cool car.
He has a Hummer.

You know, your Uncle Charlie's
no stranger to Hummers.


That's a cool car too, Jake.

So, Jake, this is pretty cool, huh?

Driving in a futuristic car,
going to see a movie.

Hey, maybe afterwards
we can go get some pizza.


And then, who knows, maybe...
Maybe your old dad will buy you... excessively violent and bloody
video game. How's that sound?


You know,
when we go scuba diving...

...Greg's gonna teach me
how to steer his boat.

Well, I am sorry, Jake,
but, you know, I don't have a boat.

I don't have a Hummer, and
I don't know how to scuba-dive.

It's okay, Dad. Greg does.

Hey, Jake, how'd you like your dad
to teach you how to drive a car?

- What?
- Really?

Charlie, he's 11.

So? We'll find an empty parking lot.

- What if he hits something?
- Alan, it's Mom's car.

Guess what? Daddy's gonna teach you
how to drive.


Can you reach the pedals?

- Yeah. Can we turn on the radio?
- Forget the radio.

Which one's the window squirter?

Okay, forget the squirter.
Now, come on, focus.

This is your rear-view mirror. It's very
important to check it before you back up.

- Okay.
- Now... Well, what do you see?

The top of Uncle Charlie's head.

A shopping cart, a tree, soda can.

- Looks like Mountain Dew.
- Okay.

Forget the rear-view mirror. We're just...
We're just gonna go forward.

Now, you know, this is the brake
and this is the gas.

Thought it was electric.

He's got you there, Alan.

Okay, this is the brake
and this is the electric.

They're very, very sensitive.
You don't have to press hard.


Now, give it a little tap.

- It is on?
- No.

- Brake! Brake! Brake!
- Brake! Brake! Brake!

Okay. Apparently it is on.

- This is awesome.
- You see how careful you have to be?

And how much closer we are
to the Dumpsters?

- Can I squirt the windows now?
- No.

Now... Okay, why don't you turn
the wheel slightly to the left...

...and very gently press down on...

Brake! Brake! Brake!

Remember, if you wanna drive
Grandma's car again... can't be telling her about it.
- I know.

Or Mom, or anybody else.
Daddy doesn't need the grief.

That was really cool, Dad. Thanks.

- Yeah. Yeah, it was.
- Hey, it just occurred to me.

If Greg's here, we can ask him
about going out on the boat.

No, I'm not going to ask Greg
about going...

Hi, Judith.
Here he is, safe and sound.

- Hey, honey.
- Hey, Mom. Guess what we just did.

- What?
- Nothing in particular.

That's a kids' joke.
"Nothing in particular."

He's been doing it to us all weekend.

- So, well, okay. Bye.
- Alan.


Ask about the boat.

- Listen, next weekend...
- Yeah, yeah.

I know. You and Greg
are taking Jake scuba diving.

No, that's the thing.

Greg and I have decided
not to see each other.

So if you haven't made any plans,
you can have Jake.

Oh, yeah, yeah. I'd love to have him.

And I'm sorry to hear
about you and Greg.

- Thank you.
- Is there anything I can do?

Yeah, you can wipe that smirk
off your face.

- Okay. Well... Well, bye.
- Bye.

She broke up with Greg
She broke up with Greg

She broke up with Greg

- Alan?
- Yeah?


- Hey.
- Where have you been?

Car wash. They found something
real interesting in the back seat.

Oh, yeah, what?

Okay, now you're just showing off.

No, Alan, I'm not.

Although I have to admit,
that is a sexy little item.

- It is, isn't it?
- Yeah, yeah.

I'd like to meet the lady who fills this.

Actually, you know her.

- Oh, really? Lisa?
- No.

- Jennifer?
- Who's Jennifer?

Oh, right. No.

Well, then who?

I can tell you, but once I do,
I can't untell you.

- What are you talking about?
- Who borrowed my car last weekend?

Holy mother of God.

No. No. Unholy mother of us.

Mom in a car?

Mom in my car.

If I'd known this was gonna happen,
I'd have gotten the vinyl seats.

Wait. You're not just gonna leave it
in the middle of the floor, are you?

Really creeps you out, doesn't it?

- No.
- Then pick it up.

Hello? Oh, oh, hi, Jake. What's up?

Slow down there.

Yeah. No, I know your mom
broke up with Greg.

Yes. I understand
that you're very upset, but...

Well, no, no.

I can't come over there and pick you up
just because you're mad at your mother.

Well... I'm sorry, that's just the way it is.

Now, why don't you let me
speak to her.

Yeah, Judith, hi.
Look, I am trying to back you up here.

No, I told him he had to work it out
with you.

No, no... Really?

You think it would be better
if he came over here to cool off?

Okay, but...

Well, bring him over, then.

Well... No, I'll see you in a bit.

- Jake's coming over?
- Yeah, yeah.

Apparently he's furious with his mother
about this Greg thing.

Well, that's understandable. He was just
getting to know this amazing guy...

...who had a boat and a pool
and a Hummer.

A guy who could teach him
all sorts of cool stuff.

And then his mother just rips
this wonderful man out of his life.

Too soon?

Hello. Everybody decent?

Oh, hi, Mom. What a surprise.

Well, I was in the neighborhood
and I thought I'd drop by...

...and see how my sons
are getting along.

- Well, we're doing fine.
- Yep, just fine.

- Good. Jake?
- He's... He's fine.

Just dandy.

Oh, the hell with it.

I left a $300 bra in the back seat
of your Mercedes, and I want it back.

Oh, my. How in heaven's name
did that happen, Mother?

- Well, if you must know...
- I don't need to know.

Oh, Alan, grow up.

I sold a 12-million-dollar house
and I wanted to celebrate.

With the Saudi prince?

Don't be ridiculous. He's got nine wives
and they're all like 11 years old.

No, I was with the seller's realtor.

Splitting that juicy commission
made us both so hot...

...we barely made it
off the front lawn.

Now, go get Mommy's bra.

Oh, darling, that is just sick.

Seek help.


- Hey, what's going on?
- My mom broke up with Greg.

I heard.

I'm gonna live here with you and Dad
from now on.

Wanna bet?

- Why not?
- Two reasons:

Your mother loves you,
and life is cruel.

Wait, that may just be one reason.

Well, maybe my dad can talk my mom
into getting back together with Greg.

Enjoy fifth grade, kid. You're obviously
gonna be there for a while.

What am I supposed to do, Alan?

I know how much he liked Greg...

...but that can't be the reason
for me to keep seeing him.

I understand. You're not wrong here.

I'm not? Because I certainly feel wrong.

I failed as a wife.
I'm failing as a mother.

I even blew it as a lesbian.

That might have been the problem.

You're not a failure. We're both at fault
for the marriage not working.

You're a great mother. And I'm sure you
would have made a heck of a lesbian...

...if you just hung in there
a little longer.

I'm gonna take Jake out
so you guys can talk.

- Thank you.
- Thanks, Charlie.

- Where we going?
- I gotta trade in my car.

Why are you trading this car in?
Didn't you just get it?

Yeah, but there's a banging noise
that's driving me crazy.

I don't hear anything.

You're not in my head.

Hey, as long as you're getting rid of it,
mind if I take it for a little spin?

Get real.

I promise I'll go really slow.

Forget it. It's not gonna happen.

Is that a footprint up there?

I never should have brought Jake
into the relationship. It was too soon.

Don't be too hard on yourself.

So Greg didn't turn out to be the great
guy you thought he was gonna be.

Oh, he was a great guy.
My God, Alan, he took my breath away.

Our first night together he picked me up
and carried me to bed in his arms.

Well, the point is you brought Jake
into the relationship too soon.

Greg said I was too demanding.
I am, aren't I?

- I am a demanding, angry shrew.
- Hey, hey.

Don't say that. That...
That is not who you are.

That's just who you've become.

But, you know, underneath it all...

...I can still see the frightened,
neurotic girl...

...with the minor eating disorder
that I fell in love with.

Oh, Alan.

I don't get it.
This is exactly like your other car.

No, it's not. Listen. No banging.

Well, I think you should have gotten
a cool car like Greg.

Hey, do yourself a favor
and stop worshiping this dude.

There's a guy in your life
who's worth looking up to...

...and modeling yourself after.

- Dad?
- Okay, two guys.

Well, I still don't understand
why my mom had to break up with Greg.

It could have been worse. She could
have married him and then broken up.

When I was your age,
I was already on my third stepfather.

And I kind of liked the second one.

Well, how did you feel?

How do you think I felt?
I was pissed off.

- Yeah, well, so am I.
- And I'm not saying you shouldn't be...

...but you can't blame your mother.
She's gotta do what's right for her.

- You understand?
- I guess.


The next time you see her,
give her a big hug...

...and let her know that there's still
one guy who's willing to live with her.


Wait, you blame your mom
for everything.

That's different. My mom's Satan.

Come on, let's go boat shopping.

If I'm old enough to drive...

...I'm old enough to know
what's going on with you and Mom.

You're not old enough to drive.

I don't believe that you were carrying
her because she twisted her ankle.

Believe what you want.
That's my story and I'm sticking to it.

Tell him, Charlie.

Your parents were about to have sex
when we walked in.

Yeah, right.