Two and a Half Men (2003–2015): Season 2, Episode 18 - Two and a Half Men - full transcript

Charlie cons Alan into being his date at his gay friend's dinner party. But how long can they keep up the act?

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- Dad?
- Yeah?

Do you suffer
from erectile dysfunction?

Well, Alan? Do you?

Jake, wh... What do you know
about erectile dysfunction?

It's something to do
with your penis, right?

- Right.
- And they say one out of three guys...

...gets it, and mine's fine,
so it's gotta be one of you.

- I'm fine.
- Not me, l...

So, what are the pills for?



Well, what they do, Jake, is that
they... They dilate the blood vessels...

...which allows more blood
to easily flow to certain...

They're boner pills, Jake.

To get them,
or to make them go away?

To get them. Go get ready for bed.

What's the point?
They're not good for anything.

You ever try any of those drugs?

Once or twice.
Out of curiosity, not necessity.

- What did you think?
- Not my thing.

It's like corking the bat.
You?

Yeah, that's what my ex-wife wanted.
More sex with me that lasted longer.

Hello. Oh, hey, Eric. Hiya.
What's happening, boyfriend?

Oh, you're terrible. Do you kiss
your mother with that mouth?

So, what's up? Saturday?
Let me check my book.



Saturday is marvelous.

How dressy? Eveningwear,
or California casual?

Oh, goody. An excuse to shop.
Like I need one.

Okey-dokey, artichokey. Ciao for now.

- What?
- Something you wanna tell me?

That? Oh, that's Eric.
He's the head of a big ad agency.

- Throws a lot of jingle work my way.
- He wouldn't be gay, would he?

What difference does it make?
A person's sexuality...

...is a personal thing. It has no
relevance in the business world.

- But he is gay.
- Oh, yeah.

You know, it's okay
to call them queer again.

Good to know. Good to know.

Would it fair to assume that
you've led him to believe that...

...you are of a similar persuasion?

Not deliberately.
I kind of sort of backed into it.

- Excuse me?
- Okay. Poor choice of words.

When we first met, I found myself falling
into his... What do you call it?

Futon?

No, no, his manner
of expressing himself.

Tone, gestures.
Like talking to a Southerner...

...you start saying "y'all" and
"grits" and "tobaccy."

- Oh, Charlie.
- It's harmless.

He throws me work. I want
him to feel comfortable with me.

And how far do you go to
make him feel comfortable?

Don't worry. I just sparkle a little bit.
I don't burst into flames.

- I don't know how you live with yourself.
- Actually, I don't live with myself.

I have a significant other.

- What?
- We're both invited...

...to a cocktail party Saturday night.

What?

- No. Absolutely not.
- Oh, come on.

You always complain
we don't hang out.

I didn't mean I wanted to date you.

You don't think I'm gonna go to a gay
cocktail party stag, do you?

The way I sparkle?

I'm not going to be your gay lover
so you can make a few bucks.

Okay, first of all, it's considerably
more than a few bucks.

This man was responsible for almost
half my income last year.

And that's the half
I didn't gamble away.

And second of all,
you're not just my lover...

...you're my life partner.
That makes you special.

Forget it. It's immoral and deceitful,
and I don't want any part of it.

What's the big deal?
Gay people pretend to be straight.

They don't wanna be discriminated.

And neither do I. The minute this guy
finds out I'm a breeder, I'm history.

I don't care. If you wanna engage
in a fraudulent escapade...

...have one of your oafish poker
buddies be your partner.

You see? You see? Right there.
Escapade. Oafish.

What poker buddy
of mine talks like that?

But you, a couple of squirts of
Paco Rabanne, you're good to go.

Having a reasonable
command of English...

...isn't the exclusive domain
of the gay community.

Listen to you.
You're just making my point.

Forget it. You're asking too much.

Oh, really?

Was it too much when you showed
up on my doorstep, looking for a place?

- Charlie.
- Too much when I took in...

...your son on weekends and holidays?
- This isn't fair.

Too much when
I set up a college fund for Jake?

- You set up a college fund for Jake?
- You bet I will.

Unless, of course, my income
were to suddenly decline.

I can't believe you would sink so low.

To actually use emotional
and financial blackmail...

- You're both in my will.
- Really?

First thing Monday.

All right. But I want it on the record...

...I'm doing this under protest.
- Noted.

If we're gonna be a couple,
I'm the husband.

Well, who's gonna believe
you're the husband?

Of the two of us, I'm the
only one who's been a husband.

You really thought you were
the husband in your marriage?

Nevertheless, I'm going to be
the husband in this one.

Well, la-di-da.

- Thanks for babysitting, Rose.
- My pleasure.

Where are you guys going?

To a little party.

And you're taking Alan
instead of a date?

Yeah, well, funny story about that.

Okay, let's get this over with.

You're wearing that?

What's wrong with it?
You liked it in the store.

It looked different in the store.

Well, it was on sale. I can't return it.

- Dad, can we order pizza for dinner?
- No. Eat something healthy.

You want me to change, just tell me.

- Don't change.
- You don't like it.

I didn't say that.

I think you look very nice, Alan.

Thank you. See?
That's all I needed to hear.

- Well, you heard it. Now, come on.
- You know, I'm only doing this for you.

- I know.
- Could you show a little appreciation?

How about I show you a little
smack on the head?

That's your answer
for everything, isn't it?

What is that about?

I don't know, but one of them
suffers from erectile dysfunction.

Dad said we could order a pizza.

Would you please not walk so far in
front of me? I'm not your concubine.

I'm sorry.

What, are you ashamed of me?

A little bit.

Oh, boy. Charlie, we need to talk.

For the last time, you look stunning.

No, we... We need
to get our stories straight.

- What stories?
- We're a couple.

How long have we been together?
How did we meet?

Okay, fine. I met you in Thailand
and bought you from a guy.

I'm serious. If we're gonna pull this off,
we need to be convincing.

A favorite song?
Cute names for each other?

I mean, I don't even know if
we're dog people or cat people.

I forgot to tell you: The guy I bought you
from had your vocal chords removed.

- Charlie. I'm so glad you could make it.
- Oh, please. How could I not?

And you must be Alan. Welcome.

I'm the husband.

No, he's not. Stop saying that.

Listen to you two ladies.
Come on. I'll get you a drink.

Appletinis.

So how did you lovebirds meet?

Funny you should ask.
We were at the Coffee Bean...

...you know, the one in Larchmont
Village, where the pastries are to die for.

Anyway, we both
ordered a soy latte...

...when the first one came up, we both
reached for it, and our hands touched.

Oh, that is so romantic.

Yeah, it was one of those moments
that seems to go on forever.

Like this one.

- Are you starting?
- No.

Because I swear to God, I will walk
out that door and get in a cab.

- I'm sorry.
- I'm sorry, what?

I'm sorry...

...pookie.

Finish your story, Alan.

Well, okay. So... So there we are...

...our hands are touching, and we
look into each other's eyes...

...this one panics, spills coffee
over one of his hideous bowling shirts.

The only gay man in America
who dresses like Ralph Kramden.

To the moon, Alan.

Anyhoo, so I took him back to my
condo to "hand wash his shirt"...

...and, abracadabra,
hocus-pocus, here we are.

- That's a delicious story.
- Yeah, isn't it yummy?

Yeah, it kills me every time.

There's someone you just
have to meet. Don't go away.

Okey-dokey, artichokey.

You've gotta pull back a little.
You're gonna set off the smoke alarm.

- What do you mean?
- I mean, if you flame any more...

...you'll light the drapes on fire.

What about you?
"Okey-dokey, artichokey"?

What are you, the Jolly Gay Giant?

I want you both to meet someone
very special to me. Charlie, Alan...

...this is my very patient
and very forgiving ex-wife, Pamela.

- Nice to meet you.
- Nice to meet you.

Hi. Wow, you were married?

It was before I'd gotten
a grip on my sexuality.

But not before you got
a grip on my cousin Walt.

Well, I can see why you
gave marriage a shot.

Pamela, you are a
breathtakingly beautiful woman.

Why, thank you, Charlie.

Why do all the cute ones
have to be married or gay?

Back off, sister. I caught this fish.

- Gonna tell me what's bothering you?
- Lf you don't know, no point discussing.

Fine.

You ignored me the whole night.

A party where I don't know anyone,
and you abandoned me.

Alan, listen closely.

It wasn't a real date.

Not the point. I was stuck
playing truth or dare...

...with your friend Eric and nine
producers from Will & Grace...

...while you had a wonderful
time talking to his hot ex-wife.

- I was just being polite.
- Oh, please.

- I saw the way you were looking at her.
- What, I can't look?

Not when you're supposed
to be with me.

How many appletinis
did you drink tonight?

Never you mind about that.
So... So, what are you gonna do?

Out yourself as a straight man so you
can sleep with your little Pamela?

No, no. That would mess
everything up with Eric.

Unless I convince him...

...that she temporarily
flipped me back to the home team.

Oh, if you're gonna go, just go.

Alan, eat something.
Toast, a waffle. Anything absorbent.

Don't blame this on the liquor.

Okay, here's what I can do.

She and I are going
shopping tomorrow.

I'll tell her I'm bisexual,
and then make my move.

So you're gonna cheat on me?

No, that's not cheating.

- How do you figure?
- Because we're not really gay.

Then how can you be bi?

Shut up.

Okay, well, good night.

- Aren't you gonna ask?
- No. Jake told me.

Oh, this is a cute top.

I'm more a bottom man myself.

I'll bet you are.

- Too slutty?
- Haven't you heard?

Slutty is the new black.

Oh, you.

Is there some special, young vagina
enthusiast you'll be taking that off for?

I wish. Can you keep a little secret?

I'm keeping a big one right now.

I haven't been with a man
in almost a year.

Oh, no. Color me sympathetic.

I don't miss dating. That's lies and
pretense. I do miss the sex.

Really? Well, what, specifically,
do you miss? And tell me slowly.

The feel of a man's hot breath
on the back of my neck.

His rough hands pulling me
to him and just taking me.

Of course, I don't need to tell you.

No, but I'm so glad you did.

Isn't it funny that I can only be
this honest with a gay man?

Yeah, it's a riot.

Straight men only want one thing, and
they'll tell any number of lies to get it.

- The dogs.
- Straight women are so competitive...

...they'll use anything
you say against you.

The bitches.

Gay women only want one thing, and
they'll lie worse than straight men.

Strange, because
they've already got it.

Oh, you, come here.

Oh, that's the other thing about
gay men. You're so hilarious.

Yeah, we're like clowns
who smell nice.

You know, these are pretty.

It's pretty sheer. Eric hated it when he
could see my nipples. That a gay thing?

Well, I can't speak for the community,
but I myself am nutty for nipples.

Let's try it on.

Okey-dokey, artichokey.

All right. Hold this.

Okay.

What do you think?
With or without the bra?

I don't know.
You're the one with nipple issues.

All right, then. Without.

Yes. Definitely without.

Am I starting to sag?

What... I'm sorry,
were you talking to me?

Am I hanging a bit low?

I don't know. Go like this:

- Now go like this:
- Stop it. Give me the blouse.

I am a woman, Charles.

- Wanna see my nipples?
- No.

Why not? You made me look at yours.

God, you are so frisky.
How does Alan ever put up with you?

How does his mother
put up with him?

Oh, boy.

Charles, didn't I ask you to confine
your debauchery to outlet stores?

Pamela, this is my mother, Evelyn.
Mom, this is Pamela.

- Nice to meet you.
- Nice to meet you. Your son is adorable.

That seems to be
the conventional wisdom.

I met him and his partner last night,
but we immediately hit it off.

- I'm sorry. His partner?
- Alan, his lover.

His lover?

God, I'm not outing you, am I?

Oh, no, no, no. Mom knows
all about me and Alan. Right, Mom?

Of course. Alan's almost
like a son to me.

My ex's parents were not supportive
when he came out of the closet.

Oh, what a shame. What does he do?

He's in advertising.
Charlie writes jingles for him.

Oh, I see. One hand
moisturizes the other.

No, the only time Charlie
was ever in the closet...

...was when he was a little boy
trying on my hats and underwear...

...belting out the entire score
of Hello, Dolly!

It was Mame, Mom.

In fact, if anything, his lifestyle
has brought us even closer.

We cook together,
we shop together...

...we go to all kinds of parties
and charity events together.

Come to think of it, I have entered us
in an Alzheimer's walkathon this Sunday.

Sunday isn't really good for me.

But you will be there anyway...

...because we support each other in all
our little causes, and you love me. Right?

Right.

Say it.

I love you, Mom.

And I love you too.

Eight a.m. Sunday.

I'll buy us matching tracksuits.
It'll be cute.

- Lovely to meet you, Pamela.
- Bye.

If I didn't know you were gay, meeting
your mother would've convinced me.

Okay, that's it.
I can't do this anymore.

You can't stop shopping.
I've gotta find you something slutty.

I've already got something
slutty in my pants.

- You're terrible.
- Pamela, listen to me.

I'm not gay. I am completely,
100 percent, militantly heterosexual...

...and I find you incredibly attractive.
- Okay. I understand.

- You do?
- Of course. I went through this with Eric.

He wanted badly to be straight,
and he suffered so much before...

...he was able to finally accept
himself for who he is.

Oh, no. I accept myself for who
I am. I am a lying horndog.

- Charlie.
- Lf I were a straight man...

...would you find me attractive?
- That's hypothetical.

Play along. Humor me.
If I were straight...

I'd do you in a heartbeat.

Oh, good. Come with me.

Charlie, don't do this.
You don't have to prove anything.

Oh, but I do.

Now, come here.

You don't have to be
straight to be a good kisser.

I know, I know. Just wait.

Well...?

Give me a minute. I'm under some
pressure here. I just saw my mother.

Would it help if you thought of Alan?

Oh, great. Why don't you just
roll up a newspaper and hit it?

Charlie, sweetheart, it's okay.

No, it's not. I am a straight man.

I've always been a straight man,
and I'll always be a straight man.

Well, you'll forgive me, darling,
but you seem to have a gay man's penis.

Come on, let's go look at shoes.

It's a straight man's penis.
It's just having a bad day.

- Hey.
- Oh, I thought you'd never come home.

- We have to talk.
- Not now.

I need to drink beer, scratch my ass...

...and watch a whole bunch
of girl-on-girl porn.

- Hello, Charlie.
- Eric. What are you doing here?

I came over to talk to you about a
new account, and you weren't here, so...

So he invited me to Big Sur
for the weekend.

It's not what it sounds like.

Yes, it is. He looked into my eyes,
told me I had a tight little breadbasket.

No.

Look, the other night at the party, there
was a lot of friction between you...

...and I'm really sorry.

Yeah, I'll bet you're really sorry.

How do you expect me
to keep working for you?

Gosh, I hope you will.
I'll make it up to you.

How? How could you possibly
make up for this incredible betrayal?

- I'll get you more money.
- Done. Get out.

Bye, Alan.

Thanks for the sweater.

- He gave you a sweater?
- Cashmere. Very stylish. And thank you.

- For what? I didn't get you anything.
- You stood up for our relationship.

What relationship?
Alan, we're not gay.

No, but if we were, you wouldn't
let anybody steal me away.

And I think that's sweet.

You need to stop this.

I was just trying to get more
money out of him, and that's all.

Whatever you say. Pookie.

Is the breadbasket
the front or the back?

- The back.
- Oh, good. It wasn't just a line.

Pick it up, Charlie. We're lagging.

Gimme a break.
I haven't even been to bed yet.

Well, perhaps it's time for you
to reexamine your club-hopping...

...popper-sniffing, disco lifestyle.

I explained about that.

It doesn't matter, darling.
You're here, you're queer. I'm used to it.