Two and a Half Men (2003–2015): Season 10, Episode 16 - Two and a Half Men - full transcript

Walden is delighted when Kate flies to LA and asks an appointment on Valentine's Day. Alas, she only wants friendship, still prefers 'Sam' and now has just a busy calendar as Walden, so no next date can be booked. For once, Alan decides to 'spoil' Lyndsey on Valentine's Day by booking a hotel suite he can't really afford. But pubic grooming on himself goes so bad she has to drive him to hospital instead. Rose is unsuspecting Kate's new business partner, who lures her to China.

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Morning.
Morning.

You, by chance, have the number
of a good chiropractor?

What about Alan?

(laughing)

Sorry. I couldn't resist.

What, is your back out?

Not yet, but I got a big date
for Valentine's Day.

And if everything goes well,
I'll need a chiropractor,

a psychiatrist and a priest.

I can't wait for this
stupid holiday to be over

so we can celebrate
something cool, like...



Free Bobblehead
at Dodger Stadium Day.

What are you
talking about?

Valentine's Day.

Or what it should really
be called

Dumb Greeting Card,
Chocolate-Covered,

Overpriced Flowers,
Can't Get a Dinner Reservation,

I'm Probably Going
to Die Alone Anyway Day.

Sounds like
Cupid's arrow hit somebody

right in the the bile sack.

Don't get my started
on that fat, flying baby.

What could you possibly have
against Cupid?

First of all,
he's wearing a diaper.

Yeah, that's sexy.

And then he's got wings,



which make you think of angels,
which makes you think of God,

which makes you feel guilty

about having sex
in the first place.

And in the second place.

Well, I, for one, am going
all out for Lyndsey this year.

Really?
What's that mean?

Cemetery flowers and a coupon
for one free go-around

on Mr. Alan's Wild Ride?

I am sparing no expense.

Lyndsey deserves the best,

and I am finally going
to give it to her.

Well, if you're
giving it to her,

it's not going to be the best.

(cell phone chimes)

Wow.

What?

I just got an e-mail from Kate.

She's in town.
She wants to see me.

Did she say why?

No.

Could be anything.

It could be nothing.

Could be something.

Could be something serious.

What if she's dying?

What if she's pregnant?

Wait, what if she's dying
to be pregnant?

The woman I love
wants to have my child.

Oh, my God,
I'm going to be a father.

Advantage: fat, flying baby.

You have the number
of a good chiropractor?

♪ Men, men, men, men,
manly men, men, men ♪

♪ Ah...
♪ Men.

♪ Two and a Half Men 10x16 ♪
Advantage: Fat, Flying Baby
Original Air Date on February 14, 2013

== sync, corrected by elderman ==
Resync for WEB-DL by ryangiggsth

Kate.

Sam.

Oh... it's...

I'm kidding.

Oh.
Hi, Walden.

Hi.

Hi.
Hi.

I, uh... I got you
your favorite coffee.

Hey, how'd you remember?

Please, how hard is it
to remember

a grande, extra hot, decaf,
triple shot, five pump

vanilla, nonfat, no foam,
whip cream, caramel macchiato?

Actually, I switched to tea.

Oh.
It's a joke.

Well, you look great.

Success is really
working for you.

Then again, you'd look great
with a bag over your head.

That didn't come off as
charming as I wanted it to.

Thank you.

I can't believe
how lucky I've been.

Lucky? Come on,
you have real talent.

I-I actually bought
one of your dresses

off your Web site.
Seriously?

Yeah, I haven't had
a chance to wear it yet.

(laughs)

I've been waiting
for the perfect occasion.

I was really surprised
that you called me.

Yeah, I'm actually in town
for a couple of days

on business,
and I wanted to see you.

You did?

Me, too.

I mean, other than stalking you
on Facebook.

Well, I wanted
to give you this.

It's the money
you invested in me.

Oh, Kate.

I gave this to my girlfriend

so she could
follow her dreams.

And I am paying back my investor

so I don't owe him anything.

S-So this is why
you wanted to see me.

Walden, we broke up.

When you break up,

you give the other person
their stuff back.

Yes, but it's usually
a cell phone charger

and a bite guard.

Well, in this case,
it's $100,000.

Well, I don't want it.

But I do want
my bite guard back.

Buy another one.

Or 1,000 of them.

Kate, just put the money
into your business.

It'll help you get
to the next level.

I don't need it.

I've actually found
a new investor.

That's how I'm able
to pay you back.

So, we're no longer
business partners.

We are not.

Well, that's great.

That frees us up to be

two young,
crazy dreamers in love.

No.

Okay, how about two
cautiously optimistic adults

sharing dinner?

I don't think
that's a good idea.

Give me one more run at this.

(sighs)

Two old friends,
chance encounter, bus stop,

sharing a bag of tacos.

Not going to happen.

Too bad.

I was really looking for
an excuse to wear my new dress.

Hi. Um, I am interested
in doing something special

for my best gal
on Valentine's Day.

Uh, how much
is your Presidential Suite?

Uh-huh, I-I see.

Um, do you, by any chance,

have a
Secretary of Agriculture Suite?

All right, all right,
you know what, let me just book

your best regular-people room,
and, uh,

would it be possible to, uh,
split the deposit

over three credit cards?

Oh, oh, sure, I'll hold.

Oh, oh, hey,
how'd it go with Kate?

Let's just say she doesn't
want me in her business.

Financial or lady.

Oh, oh, I'm sorry.

Yeah, the only reason
she wanted to see me

was to give me this stupid check
for $100,000.

(softly):
You're not stupid to me.

So, uh, what's
the next step?

There is no next step.
It's over.

What are you talking about?

She doesn't want anything
to do with me.

(scoffs)

Well, there's a good attitude.

Let me ask you something.

Was it over for Lyndsey and me

when I burned her house
to the ground?

No.

Was it over for us

when I introduced
her mom to my mom,

who subsequently turned her
into a rapacious lesbian? No.

And-and-and what about
me living in this house?

Was it over when my brother died
and you bought the place?

Sadly, no.

Right, because I am not
a quitter.

And you aren't, either.

You're Walden Schmidt,
captain of industry.

Titan of technology.

Head honcho of...

...handsomeness.

Ran out of steam?

Yes, but you'll notice
I did not quit.

Maybe you're right.

Of course I'm right.

Nothing is over until
you say it's over.

With the possible exception
of me moving out,

which will only happen
when you wheel me

into the assisted
living facility.

You're right.

I'm going to go
talk to her.

Thank you, Alan.

No problem, buddy.

I will always be here for you.

Literally.

Oh, uh, hello.

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Um, I have a MasterCard,

a Discover card
and my mom's Visa.

Walden.

Great, you've already showered.

Now, get dressed.
We're going to dinner.

What? No.

(makes buzzer noise)
Sorry, wrong answer.

The head honcho
of handsomeness

rejects your rejection.

Is that a title
you gave yourself?

No, it was given to me
by the man I live with.

(sighs)
How did you find my room?

They told me at the front desk.

They're not supposed to do that.

They're also not supposed

to accept bribes,
but here I am.

I am not going to dinner
with you.

Fine.

You don't want to go to dinner
with me, then...

...then we will have
dinner right here.

Look, your favorite:
a half-eaten lobster

with a
cigarette butt in it.

Oh, I was really hoping
for coleslaw

with a Band-Aid in it.

Come on, Kate,
go to dinner with him.

Don't be so shellfish.

(laughing)

You know you're an idiot, right?

I'm a persistent idiot.

(sighs)

Let me get dressed.

Yay.

Why would I do that?

Oh, hey, there's
my valentine.

Will you be mine?

Hi, Alan.
Yes, I will.

Great, 'cause I got something
special planned.

Is this going to be
another scavenger hunt

that ends in your pants?
Ah...

No, no, this year, I booked us
a room at the Bel-Air Hotel

with the full romance package.

Oh, my God, are you serious?

Oh, yeah, uh,
candlelight dinner, dancing,

couples massage,
followed by savage sex

with the man of your dreams.

Steve Buscemi's
going to be there?

(laughing)

That sounds amazing.

But how can you afford it?

Ah, bup, bup, bup.

Nothing is too good for milady.

Besides, a month
without antidepressants

isn't going to kill me.

I don't know what to say.

Oh, you don't have to say
anything.

Just pack your bag,

and your chariot
will arrive at 6:00.

Yeah, would it be okay
if we took my chariot?

Why?

Really,
I have to say it out loud?

I don't want to pull up
to the Bel-Air Hotel

in your piece-of-crap car.

Oh, oh, uh, we can use your car.

Oh, and if the front desk
refers to you as Evelyn Harper,

just roll with it.

Okay.

Well, I love you.

I love you, too.

Well.

That went well.

I won't be needing these clues
for the scavenger hunt.

Wasn't that better
than sitting in your room

all alone watching porn?

Is that what you do?

What, me? No...

I'm a Bible guy.

(laughing)

Well, thanks.

I had a really nice time.

Me, too.

Well, good night.

Uh, but...

- Good night?
- Yeah.

Oh, I was hoping
that maybe we could...

you know, have hotel fun.

I don't sleep with guys
on the first date.

First date?
We lived together.

No, I lived with Sam Wilson.

Who you bare
an uncanny resemblance to,

but... still, I think
we should take it slow.

Okay, I get it.

Good night.

- Kate.
- What do you want, Walden?

Oh, uh... it's not Walden;
it's Sam Wilson.

Go away.

Eh, it was worth a shot.

Morning.

Oh, there he is.

Come here.

What?

Just come here.

Oh! Oh,

What a lovely way
to start the day.

Don't kiss me.
I have morning breath.

- Thank you.
- You're welcome.

What did I do?

You were right.

Kate and I wound up having

a great time last night.

Congratulations.

Yeah. It was perfect.

I mean, it was
the same...

chemistry, the same
connection.

Hmm, when you say "connection,"

are we talking
"love connection"?

And by "love connection" I mean,

"brown chicken, brown cow."

No.
No?

Nah, I didn't want to.

You know, I just wanted
to take it slow.

So we could connect on
a more emotional, spiritual level.

Huh.

Sounds pretty gay to me,
but... all right.

- So when are you gonna see her again?
- Tonight.

- On Valentine's Day?
- Yep.

Ooh, that's a terrific day
not to get laid.

I know, right?

Oh, oh, hey, can I ask
your opinion about something?

Yeah, of course.
Great.

What-what do you
think of this?

Whoa! Dude!

What the hell?

Oh, uh, I-I did
a little manscaping

for my, uh... my big night
with Lyndsey tonight.

I wanted to surprise her.

Uh... does this look
like a heart?

Uh...

Yeah, it looks great.
I love it.

You're not even looking.
Come on, I had your back.

Yeah, well, I don't want
to have your front.

Please?

Fine.

But I'm going to restrict my response
to only the nest.

I'm not going to comment

on the baby bird
sitting on top of the eggs.

That's all I ask.

No.

Doesn't look like a heart.

What? It-it doesn't?

No. There's no...

cleavage, there's no dip.

It's just... there.

Wait, what are you
talking about?

There's a...
there's a curve right there.

The whole thing
is lopsided.

Oh, no. It just looks that way
'cause I haven't fluffed.

See?

No, it still doesn't look
like a heart.

Fine, I'll keep
working on it.

But it is very difficult
to manscape from this angle.

- No, it's not.
- Uh, yeah, it is.

Okay, just for a
frame of reference...

check out my manscaping.

Oh, my God.

- It's beautiful.
- Mm-hmm.

BERTA:
I knew it.

So that's how you pay the rent.

Alan, come on, let's go.

I want to spend every possible
minute in that hotel room.

ALAN: One second!
Just finishing off

one last
Valentine's surp...

(screams)

Alan?

(gasps)

Oh, my God, what happened?

Manscaping...

Balls...

Hospital!

(heavy breathing)

Well, I believe we just
combined Valentine's Day

with the Fourth of July.

What do you say we throw in
Groundhog Day and do it again?

(laughs)

You know...

I had no intention
of sleeping with you.

I even wore my granny panties.

Well, the joke's on you,

'cause I like a sensible,
full-coverage brief.

(laughs)

I really missed you.

Me, too.

- Can I tell you a secret, though?
- Sure.

Sam Wilson is a much
better lover than you.

I'm sorry.

I couldn't get my mind
off of Alan's penis.

(laughs)

Oh, please drive faster.
I'm bleeding out...

of my scrotum.

(groans)

Where in the world
did you get the idea

to shave your pubic hair
into a heart?

I read about it in a magazine.

What magazine?

Marie Claire.

Doesn't look
much like a heart.

Well, it's bleeding like one.

(siren wails)

Oh...

Oh. Oh, my God.

This is the end.
I'm seeing lights.

You're not dying.

We're getting
pulled over.

Oh, nice job, lead foot.

Do you want to keep
your other ball?

Evening, ma'am.

Do you know why I
pulled you over?

I know I was speeding,
but I have a very good excuse.

Is that so?

Show him, Alan.

What? No!

Show him.

Oh...

Oh, sweet mother of God!

Is that a heart?

Thank you.

(gasps)
Oh, my God!

Wha...? Alan, no.

Sorry. What's...
what's going on?

You're not going
to believe this.

My business partner
just found a factory.

We can start production
on my line immediately.

That's great.

Congratulations.

Oh, my God,
this is so exciting.

We leave for
China tomorrow.

Tomorrow?

Oh, you know what?
Wait...

I'm gonna be in Japan

in two weeks on business.

I could hop over to China.

We could get some
kung pao chicken,

maybe adopt a baby.

Oh...

Kung pao chicken
is such a commitment.

Ah, wait.

In two weeks,
I have to be back here.

Okay.

Oh, how about
the week of the tenth?

I have a tech conference in Austin.
You could come with me.

Oh. Let me check.

I don't know if you've ever
been to a tech conference,

but picture a comic book
convention with nerdier guys.

You would be their queen.

(laughs)

Ah, no, that won't work.

Um...

How about first week in May?

I can do the second.

And I can't.

This was a lot easier
when we were both broke.

It was.
(chuckles)

How about this?

Are you free for sex
in 30 seconds?

I have an opening.

Let me check.

Well, I'll have to move

a few things around,
but yes, I am.

(laughs)

Hi.

Hi.

How you doing?

I'm high,

humiliated and hairless.

I'm sorry I ruined
Valentine's Day.

What are you talking about?

Well, I wanted it to be special
because, you know,

I haven't always been
the best boyfriend,

or even a good boyfriend.

Or even an adequate boyfr...

Feel free to stop me
at any time.

I'm just teasing you.

The fact that you even tried
means everything to me.

Really?
Really.

And driving 95 miles an hour
behind a police escort?

Best Valentine's Day ever.

Oh, hey, you know, uh...

we could pull this curtain.

Seriously?

They just put
ten stitches in your junk.

I thought we could take
advantage of the swelling.

Okay.

LYNDSEY:
You ready?

ALAN:
Ow.

Ow, ow.

Ow! Don't-don't stop.

Ow!

(Alan groaning)

I know I'm going to regret
asking this, but...

how's your ball?

Throbbing and green.

So what's going on
with you and Kate?

I don't know.

It's going to be hard
to make a relationship work

with her traveling
all around the world.

Mmm, that's rough.

Not "tetanus shot
in your sack" rough, but...

Hey, how's she
affording all this?

She's got some new investor
with a lot of money.

Oh, that's nice.

Yeah, except I don't know if I'm
ever gonna see her again.

If you don't leave it
alone, it'll never heal.

If you don't stop doing that,

I'm gonna make you
wear a cone around it.

What a stroke of luck,
you finding that factory in China.

ROSE:
I know.

Sometimes fate steps in
and makes things happen.

I'm not gonna lie--
I wish the timing were better.

Well, if he really loves you,
he'll wait for you.

How did you know
I have a boyfriend?

Oh, a pretty girl like you?
You'd have to have a boyfriend.

He's amazing.

I'm crazy about him.

Been there.

== sync, corrected by elderman ==
Resync for WEB-DL by ryangiggsth