Two and a Half Men (2003–2015): Season 10, Episode 13 - Two and a Half Men - full transcript

Walden and Alan fly to New York City so that Walden can finally reveal his true identity to Kate.

Are you wondering how healthy the food you are eating is? Check it -
Previously on
Two and a Half Men...

I am determined
to find someone

who wants
to be with me

for who I am,
not what I have.

You can be whoever you want to be.

I can help you out with that.

Sam Wilson.

Maybe you could crash here.

I think it is great that you're
working on your computer stuff,

but we need help now.

I get it.
Say no more.

I'll start looking
for a job.

Your job's just a way to get by

till you get your big break
as a designer.

What if it
never happens?

I want to invest in
your line of clothing.


Pack your bags
for New York,

because I am gonna
write you a check

for $50,000.

The stress
of living a lie

is causing you
to just fall apart.

You're binge-eating.

I'll miss you.

I love you, Sam.

Hello? Walden?

Why is it so dark in here?

Alan, no!


What's happened
to you?

What do you mean?

Uh... okay.

I-I don't know how
to say this, um...

but you're either
wearing a child's shirt

or carrying a child.

Both options raise concerns.

Hey, I will not apologize

for enjoying the art
of fine cuisine.

Says the guy who has barbecue
sauce all over his back.

Oh, like I'm the first guy
to fall asleep on a McRib.

What are you doing here, Alan?

I'm worried
about you.

I haven't seen you
in three weeks.

Kate's still
in New York.

Why are you still
in her apartment?

I like it here.

It's comfortable.

Besides, the beach house
smells like you.

This place smells like Kate.

I'll take "things a serial
killer would say" for $200.

You want to be my next victim?

Come on, Walden, look at you.

a disgusting blob.

I mean, can you even see
your penis past that gut?

My penis is like Santa Claus.

I don't need to see it;
I just need to believe in it.

Well, you know what I believe?

Living a double life
is killing you.

Well, you don't know
what you're talking about.

So why don't you just go away?

So, you don't think
you need any help?

I know I don't need any help.

Fine, then I'll leave.



I need help.

Oh, buddy, it's-it's
gonna be okay.

No, it's not gonna be okay!

I'm out of control!

I'm lying to the woman I love!

And the only thing
I do more than lie

is eat raw cookie dough.

And I think I have salmonella.

Don't worry.

Alan's here now.

We're gonna get you...

hosed down and...

back in shape

and-and feeling like
your old self again.

You think so?

Oh, absolutely.

And after we do,

you're gonna call up Kate
and tell her the truth.

What? No, I can't.

You have to.

Because the truth will
set you free, and you know it.


Maybe you're right.

There you go.

Plus, it'd be nice to lose
the gut and see my penis again.

And I'm sure he'd like
to see you, too.

♪ Two and a Half Men 10x13 ♪
Grab a Feather and Get in Line
Original Air Date on January 10, 2013

== sync, corrected by elderman ==
Resync for WEB-DL by ryangiggsth

Getting you back in shape
is not gonna be easy.

It's gonna be
a long haul.

It'll take exercise,
diet and discipline.

Don't make such a big deal
about this.

I look fine.

Aw, look who's got
a little belly.

Let's do this thing.

Whoo, that was easy.

Hey, you.

Hi, babe.

How's the prep
for the show going?

Oh, my God,

everybody here is pretentious,
bitchy and high.

I love New York!

Are you sure you're not
Skyping from heaven?

Because you appear to be
surrounded by half-naked angels.

Oh, yeah,
that's Britté and Inga.

I guess they're done
throwing up their lunch.

Well, I've got great news.

I'll be there

You do realize they'll be
dressed by then.

No, I'm coming to see you.

But if the models
are still there

and we wind up getting
in a pillow fight

in our hotel bed,
then so be it.

Are you really coming?


And I got
a big surprise for you.

Oh... Wait, hang on a sec.

How can you afford
a plane ticket?

Alan is flying me on his jet.

Oh, Alan's coming, too.


Don't worry about him.

I'll see you tomorrow, okay?

Oh, and do me a favor.

Before I get there, make sure
those models have clothes on.

How do you feel about
naughty school girl outfits?

I find them degrading.

And perfect.

I love you, Sam.
I love you.

So did you tell her?


I want to tell her in person.

So pack
your bags.

We're going to New York.

Me? Why am I going?

This is really scary
for me, Alan.

I need the support of my friend.

Well, you got it.

Thank you.
Uh, uh, Walden?

Yes, I'll cover your expenses.

Great. Um, and...

Yes, I'll give you
per diem.

If he ever gets a real friend,
I'm screwed.

Ooh, you know what we
should do in New York?

Go see a musical.

Yeah, maybe.

If I put my life back together.

Of course.

So what are you
thinking, Jersey Boys?

♪ Walk like a man

♪ Talk like a man...

I don't really
have a preference.

Can't go wrong
with Wicked.


Then again,
Mamma Mia.

Oh, I can never see
that show enough.

I own the movie on Blu-ray.

Two words.

Delightful romp.

You do realize the whole point
of this trip

is to tell the woman I love
that I'm actually someone else?

Oh, I get it.

If that story was on Broadway,
I'd see it in a heartbeat.

Walden Schmidt in

Les Mis-Representation
of Who He Is.

Thanks for
the support.

Oh, come on,
lighten up.

Everything's gonna be fine.

I just hope she doesn't like Sam
more than she likes Walden.

Why would she?

Well, a lot of reasons.

One, Sam's better in bed.

He tries harder.

He has to compensate

for all the other things
he doesn't have.

He's banging scared.

If that's true, I'd be
the best lay on the planet.

I just don't want to lose her.

Oh, you won't.

But it's fun to lose yourself
in the magic of Broadway.



Well, it's too bad
you're in a relationship.

Kate's show will be packed
with half-naked supermodels.




Excuse me
a second.

I'm gonna
make a call.

My girl.

Hey, Lyndsey.

Hey, what's up?

I'm on Walden's Jet.

- I'm flying to New York City.
- For what?

A fashion show,
maybe take in a musical.

Ah. Guys' weekend.

Yes, exactly.

Um, so anyhow,
I just wanted to...

make sure you still love me.

Of course I do.
Why would you even ask?

Well, you know, I'm on a plane.

You know, anything can happen
at any time.

Don't worry, Alan.

I love you.

And we're gonna be
together forever.

O-Okay, sweetie.

I-I love you, too. Bye-bye.

Son of a bitch.

Oh, my. Oh, my.

Oh... oh, gee.

So... so tall. So...

So very tall.

Oh. Oh, that-that...
that's an 11.

And... and now
we've got a... a 12.

Oh, God, can you
believe this?

All these beautiful women,
and I'm off the market.

Yeah, 'cause that's what
models are looking for:

a middle-aged, twice
divorced, broke-ass guy

who lives in a guest room
with a dehumidifier

and my old tax returns.

Ooh, "I make enough money
to pay taxes."

Rub my nose in it.

I'm sorry.

I'm just nervous.

I don't know if
I can do this.

I feel like
I'm gonna puke.

Well, this is
the place for it.

Grab a feather
and get in line.


Hi, Kate.


Alan, it's so good to...


I'm very, very
happy for you.

I hope this fashion show
brings you

all the success in the world.
Thank you.

Why don't I leave
the two of you alone

while I fill my head
with images to think of

when I'm having sex
with the woman I love.

I am so happy
you're here.

Are you kidding? I wouldn't
miss it for the world.

So, what's this big surprise

you had to fly all the way
to New York to talk to me about?

Yeah... the surprise.


Okay, uh...

close your eyes.

All right.

Kate, I'd like you to
meet Walden Schmidt.

I don't understand.

My name's not
Sam Wilson.

It's Walden Schmidt.


♪ Walk like a man

♪ Talk like a man

♪ Walk like a man, my son

♪ No woman's worth ♪

Wait a sec.

Your name's not Sam Wilson?


And I'm not broke, either.

I have a lot of money.

In fact, I have
more than a lot.

Like, think about
a lot of money,

and then multiply
it by ten...


But how is this possible?

You worked at
a Christmas tree lot.

You didn't chip in on the rent.

I saw you use toilet paper
as a coffee filter.

That's only because
the day before

I used the last coffee
filter as toilet paper.


Why are you
doing this, Sam?

It's not Sam.
It's Walden.

Okay, whatever your name is,

why would you lie
about who you are?

Because I wanted to meet
someone like you.

Someone who's kind

and genuine and sweet

and not after my money.

Someone that I felt like I had
a real connection with.

So, to make sure
you could trust me,

you lied to me?

I'm really sorry.

I-I got caught up in it,

and then I-I couldn't figure out
how to get out, and it...

Trust me, you are the most
amazing person I've ever met.

I love you whether I'm
Sam Wilson or Walden Schmidt.

Well, good for you.

Unfortunately, I have no idea
who Walden Schmidt is.

Kate, wait.

You know what?

This whole time, I thought
he was the douche.

Turns out you're
the douche.


She likes me.

How you doing?

I've been better.

Aw, I'm sorry, buddy.

You know what might
cheer you up?

There are still tickets

for tonight's performance
of Jersey Boys.

We're not going to Jersey Boys.

Oh, I totally get it.

Lion King it is.

We're not going
to any musical at all.


I just don't understand why
we both have to be depressed.

I don't think she's
ever going to forgive me.

Why would she?

I mean, I lied to her
about everything.

I don't want to give
anything away

in case you change
your mind and we do go,but...

when Simba lies to his friends

by not telling them
that he's the Lion King,

they forgive him

after a few short but snappy
dance numbers.

Life is not a musical, Alan.

So knock it off.

See, that wouldn't
have hurt so much

if you'd sung it.

I'm sorry, I'm-I'm just upset.

I mean, I did
what I did for love.

Am I really that bad of a guy?

♪ You're a douche,
you're a douche ♪

♪ You're a big fizzy douche ♪

♪ You broke that
poor girl's heart ♪

♪ You're a douche,
you're a douche ♪

♪ You're a big fizzy douche ♪

♪ You should have told the truth
right from the start ♪

♪ But my intentions were good

♪ I was no slave to my wood

♪ I wanted her to love me
for me ♪

♪ He does have lots of riches

♪ Which attracts
a lot of bitches ♪

♪ Thank you, Alan,
but you'll never be on Glee ♪

Aw, crap.
♪ If I may throw in my two cents ♪

♪ Your love was based
on a pretense ♪

♪ Your relationship
with Mother is to blame ♪

♪ You didn't suckle
on her boobies ♪

♪ You self-medicate
with doobies ♪

♪ Which explains why

♪ you used a made-up name...
Cue the refrain.

♪ You're a douche,
you're a douche ♪

♪ You're a big fizzy douche ♪

♪ Everything you said
was a lie ♪

♪ You're a douche,
you're a douche ♪

♪ You're a big fizzy douche ♪

♪ But you're still a really,
really handsome guy ♪

Thank you.

♪ Then what am I to do

♪ So I don't always
live with you? ♪

♪ Wow, that hurts my feelings

♪ But since I live there
beneath your ceilings ♪

♪ I'll bite the pillow
like the prison bitches do ♪


♪ If she gives me
one more chance ♪

♪ We can have a real romance

♪ If she doesn't,
we can party in my pants ♪

♪ 'Scuse me, no disrespect ♪

♪ But I have to interject

♪ What makes you think
you can steal the show? ♪

♪ 'Cause I'm gay ♪

♪ Oh, you're so clearly
from L.A. ♪

♪ Yes, I'm gay ♪

♪ And he will always
be that way ♪

♪ I'm gay ♪

♪ Or as his Jersey friends
would say ♪

♪ A-yo, badda bing,
he's a big ol' 'mo ♪

♪ 'Scuse me, but we seem
to be digressing ♪

♪ And I find it to be
quite distressing ♪

♪ Can we sing about
the problem that's at hand? ♪

♪ Can Kate get over Sam
and love who I am? ♪

You confusin' me for someone
who gives a damn.

So bottom line...

♪ You're a douche,
you're a douche ♪

♪ You're a big fizzy douche ♪

♪ And I'll die sad and alone ♪

♪ You're a douche,
you're a douche ♪

♪ You're a big fizzy douche ♪

Hold it, everybody,
that's my phone.

Hello? Kate?

You're a douche.

♪ Douche, douche,
douche, douche ♪

♪ Douche-y, douche,
douche, douche... ♪

♪ Douche, you're a douche,
oh, what a douche ♪

♪ You couldn't say it meaner,
I'm a big vagina cleaner ♪

♪ Didn't do what I oughta,
I'm vinegar and water ♪

♪ On this we all agree

♪ Oh, yes, we all agree

♪ Oh, good, you finally see
to shining sea ♪

♪ Gimme a D-O-U-C-H-E,
douche ♪

♪ Gimme a D-O-U-C-H-E, douche

♪ Gimme a D-O-U-C-H-E,
douche ♪


♪ You're a douche ♪

♪ You're a douche ♪
I'm a douche!

♪ Just a big fizzy douche

♪ And that's all I'll ever be ♪

♪ You're a douche ♪

♪ You're a douche ♪
Just a douche!

♪ You're a big fizzy douche ♪

♪ And that's all
you'll ever be ♪




Uh, your phone's ringing.



It's Kate.

Hey, Kate.

Yeah, I can meet.

Yeah, I'll be right there.


She wants to see me.

Here, take care
of the check for me.

Will do.




How'd the show go?

It was pretty amazing, actually.

The buyer from Neiman Marcus
is interested in my stuff.

That's great.

About halfway through the show,

I realized that...

Alan probably didn't pay
for this, did he?


But if the models ask,
throw him a bone.

Thank you.

I'm really sorry.

Do you think that there's
a way that we can...

make this work?

I don't know.

I mean, I trusted you, and...

you didn't trust me.

Now I don't even
know who you are.

Well, if you think about it,
I'm really the same guy.

I just have a better watch.

And a better car.

A better house.

A better...


So nothing about you is real.

What's real is that I love you.

Okay, well...

I'm gonna need some time
to process all of this.

So, you think...

maybe when we
get back to L.A...

I'm not going back to L.A.


Yeah, thanks to you, I...

might have a life here now.


I didn't think any
of this through, did I?

Apparently not, Walden Smith.

It's actually Schmidt.

You know, it's not important.

So I guess I'll just wait
to hear from you.

I guess so.

Good-bye, Sam.

It's Walden.


Look who needs
a ride back to L.A.

Ja, Alan the billionaire's
got a big jet.

It slipped out while they
were running away from me.

Ooh, too much champagne!

They are... awfully pretty.


You, uh... you gonna?

Nah, I'm not interested.

Oh, me, neither.

You know, I have a girlfriend.

But, you know,
if we could, uh,

which, uh... which one
would you choose?

Probably the brunette.

Really? The brunette?

Oh, you want the brunette?

Oh, me? No, I...

I said, you know...
the aforementioned girlfriend.

Although Lyndsey is a blonde,

and the brunette would make
a very nice palate cleanser.

You know, uh, uh...


You can have the brunette.


If we're talking hypothetically,

it's my plane, you're not here,
and I'm taking them both.

Right. Are we
done with this?


So, uh, I assume you're

moving back into
the beach house.

- Yeah.
- Good. Good.

The place felt
empty without you.

Oh, please.

You loved every minute of it.

I did. I really did.

I got to tell you,
your bed ruined me.

And I ruined it.


I'm sorry, buddy.
You were gone a long time.

I'm just gonna miss

waking up next to Kate
every morning. Mmm...

I'm gonna miss driving
your fancy sports car.

I'm gonna miss
the way she held my hand

when we watched a movie.

I'm gonna miss the way

your underwear felt
fresh from the dryer.

I'm taking the brunette.

== sync, corrected by elderman ==
Resync for WEB-DL by ryangiggsth