Two and a Half Men (2003–2015): Season 1, Episode 14 - Two and a Half Men - full transcript

Charlie's accountant Stan tries to make Charlie understand his desperate financial situation.

Are you wondering how healthy the food you are eating is? Check it -
The kick is up, it's long enough.

The kick is no good.


- Yeah!
- Who won?

Who cares? We covered the spread.

Charlie, call me an old-fashioned dad,

but I was hoping my son
wouldn't start betting on sports

until he was old enough
to have a drinking problem.

He didn't really make a bet.
I just gave him a taste of my action.

Nor do I want him tasting your action.

Dad, without action, there's no juice.

All of a sudden he's Frank Sinatra.

- I bet that's the pizza.
- What's the spread?


What's next, Charlie?
You gonna teach him how to shoot craps?

He already knows how to shoot craps.

I just wish I could teach him
not to bet the hard eight.

Mr. Harper, here you go, nice and hot.
I threw in some extra garlic puffs as well.

Thanks, pal.

Thank you, Mr. Harper.

If there's anything at all you ever need,
please call.

You know, pizza, dry-cleaning,
pot, women.

- How much did you tip him?
- I don't know, I gave him $50.

That's like a 300% tip.

If you say so. I was never good at math.

Yeah, but you can figure out
the point spread, the over-under

and the vigorish
on every football game in the country.

What can I tell you?
I've got a beautiful mind.

Morning, Berta. Need some help?

Yeah. Come to my house
and explain to my daughter

that we don't put up bail for cute guys
with Costa Rican passports.

- Morning.
- I got your groceries, Charlie.

You owe me $74.

- Why didn't you just use my credit card?
- I tried.

Funny story.

My platinum card.

Look what they did to my platinum card.

They decapitated my holographic eagle.

Yeah, that's sad. You owe me $74.

Relax, I'll write you a check.

Berta, I'm good for $74.

There's an assistant store manager
with bad skin and a pair of scissors

who begs to differ.

He obviously made a mistake.
Leave it to me, I'll straighten it out.

Alan, what do I do?

Call the bank that issued the card
and figure out what's going on.

Good idea.

How do I get the number?

It's usually on the back of the card.

Okay, this may take a while.

Are you sure?

Okay, thanks.

I don't believe it.

None of my bills have been paid
in four months.

My credit is shot.
All my cards are dead.

You don't have to worry
about paying me this week.

Thank you, Berta.

I'll just take this espresso maker
and be on my way.

Call me when things pick up.

Charlie, why haven't you been
paying your bills?

Alan, I don't pay my own bills.
I've got a guy.

Do you think you might want
to call your guy?

Don't talk down to me, Alan.
I'm not stupid.

That's the first call I made.

- And?
- And

his number is not in service
at this time.

Wonderful building.

What's wrong with it?

The phrase "reeks of urine"
comes to mind.

Here we are.

That's seldom a good sign.

- Hello, Stan?
- Who wants to know?

It's Charlie Harper.

Charlie! Good to see you. Come on in.

Just don't rip the tape, they check.

So what's going on?
What can I do you for?

Stan, I've got a problem.

Yeah, I know the feeling.

Sit down, talk to me. Come on.

All of my credit cards are dead.

And they tell me the bills
haven't been paid in four months.

Yeah, that sounds about right.

Excuse me,
maybe this is none of my business,

but how does something like that happen?

In layman's terms,
your brother ran out of money.

What? How did I run out of money?

I knew you'd ask that.

Let me demonstrate.

Think of this water as cash flow,

which, for you, would be
royalties from your jingles, right?

And this cup, your financial well-being.

This little hole

would be your expenses. You dig?

Now, Charlie, with most people,

when money comes in,

it drips out and pays their bills

with a healthy reserve for emergencies.

But with you, however...
This is what I love about you, Charlie.

You spend it as quick as you get it.

You see, you don't drip,

you hemorrhage.

Look at that.

But when the cash flow
starts to slow down,

there's no reserve.


But what happened to my money?

Artists. Where would we be
without them?

What I don't understand is why
you didn't warn him this was happening.

Okay, mea culpa.

Look, I've been a little distracted lately.
Slight problem with the feds.

Are you embezzling from my brother?

Embezzle what? Hello!

I thought you were the smart one.

No, this is a totally unrelated,

import-export problem, all right?

I just cannot believe that one of
the pi?atas showed up at a kids' party.

Oh, boy.

This has been a blast.
Don't get me wrong,

but I have a plane to catch right now.

I'll tell you what, just feel free
and browse through all your files.

Listen, Charlie, I'm running a little
short on cash, so maybe you...

Look who I'm asking!

It was great meeting you, sport. Ciao.

And you were worried.

The good news is
that a substantial amount of royalties

is gonna come in
in the next couple of months.

Great. Problem solved.
Let's go out to dinner.

- No, problem not solved.
- But I'm hungry.

Get used to it.

It's going to take a while to pay off
all the bills your accountant ignored,

so until then,
you're gonna have to cut back.

- But you said I got money coming.
- Shall I go get the paper cup?

Okay. What do we cut?

Let's look at your expenses.

First thing is,
we stop paying your accountant.

That's a little cold, isn't it?

He's great, I've known him for years.
He's going through a rough patch.

- Charlie, you're broke.
- You're right, screw him.

What's next?

You have a gardener.
Why do you have a gardener?

To tend my garden.

Garden? You mean the two potted palms
on the deck?

Water them yourself.

Okay, but I'm gonna have to buy a hose
and one of those watering things,

so isn't that kind of a push?

Gone. Now,
"Ultimate Premiere Satellite package"?

That's really cool.
I get every sporting event in the world.

If a kid in Madagascar throws a rock
at a tree, I can see it and bet on it.

It's gone.

Oh, man.
We can keep the cable, though, right?

You have satellite and cable?

Sometimes there's solar flares.

Okay, we can cut back to basic cable.

Basic cable?
That's what they get in prison.

- Hey, what you doing?
- Bad time, Rose.

Money problems?

- How did you know?
- I bought your espresso maker from Berta.

I got a great deal 'cause she didn't
want to carry it on the bus.


Charlie, "miscellaneous cash expenses"?
What exactly is that?

I don't know. Go see a movie,
buy a hot dog, stuff like that.

It was $80,000 last year.

That. That's women and gambling.

Gone and gone.

Great. Why don't I just shoot myself?

You can't afford a gun.

You know,
I could lend you some money, Charlie.

That's very sweet, Rose,
but I don't really want to shoot myself.

The way I see it, you're either gonna
have to slash expenses,

or find the money to pay your bills
someplace else.


- I'll borrow on the house.
- You've already got three mortgages.

- Is that a lot?
- Not if you have three houses.

Let me ask you a tough question.

What would you think about going
to Mom for a short-term loan?

Interesting idea.

I think I'd rather have a pack of hyenas
tear out and devour my intestines.

Yeah, I know. I can't afford hyenas.

Look, you know I'd help you if I could,

but all my money's going
to my former wife, my former house,

my former wife's current lawyers
and all their descendants.

So if you don't want to go to Mom,

you're gonna have to change your
lifestyle for a few months.

Fine. You win.

I win? What do I win?
How is this a win for me?

Whatever. I'll cut back, like you said.

Now come on, let's all go out
for a nice dinner. I'm buying.

Great. Then after we can stop by my
place for espresso.

Good idea. That's a money saver.

"Save 50 cents on one regular-sized
Hamburger Helper

"when you buy two of the following
10.5 ounce... "

Screw it.

- Hi.
- Hi.

How do you like that cabernet?

- It's very good.
- I'll have to try it sometime.

And excuse me for saying so, but you
really don't need the Lean Cuisine.

Thank you.

So, how do you like this



I do a little volunteer work making
sandwiches for a homeless shelter.

I don't know if you know this,
but a lot of those homeless fellas

like a little snort once in awhile.

Okay. Seek and ye shall find.

Twenty-four rolls of toilet paper
for $3.99.

I know what you're thinking,
it's single-ply,

but at this price, you can double up,
triple up, go wild!

Okay, have a nice day.

I can't do this anymore, Alan. I quit.

You can't quit poverty, Charlie.

I want the good stuff.

I want cheese that isn't air-dropped
into third-world countries.

I want ouchless toilet paper.

I want vodka that doesn't look like
Fred Flintstone would drink it.

I want my life back.

Fine, then swallow your pride, call Mom,
and ask her to lend you some money.


Who's the favorite?

- Green Bay.
- Did you bet them?


You took the Redskins?

- No action?
- None.

- Then why are we watching?
- Beats the hell out of me.

Anybody want a snack?

Pizza's here.

You ordered a pizza?

Charlie, you're supposed to be
cutting back on expenses.

Alan, it's a pizza, not a hooker.

Hey, Mr. Harper. Good to see you.

I threw in
some of those garlic puffs you like.

Grabbed a bottle of house red.
I don't think they'll miss it.

Thanks, buddy.
Here's for the pizza and...


Can I speak with you for a minute?

Hang on a sec.

- What are you planning on tipping him?
- I don't know.

Give him $2. That's 15%.

- I can't do that.
- You have to.

I can't. Did you see his face?


- There you go.
- Thank you, Mr. Harper.

These are ones.


I can break $100.

Yeah, I'm having
kind of a cash flow problem.

Yeah. Well, we had a good run.


- Here.
- No, keep it.

You need it more than I do.

So, Deborah said that Julie had
an addiction to cosmetic procedures.

And I said, "Well, then she needs to go
to BOTOX detox. "

Everyone laughed and laughed,

but, of course, you couldn't tell
'cause none of their faces were moving.

That's pretty funny, Mom.


Right. You wanted to tell me something.

Yeah. Maybe you should sit down.

What now? You got some girl pregnant?

You're gay? You're on drugs?

$10 says pregnant.

- Jake, go to your room.
- I'm giving odds.


Okay. Here's the thing.

Would you like a drink?

I suppose. A screwdriver might be nice.

I can't go through with this, Alan.

Sure you can. She'll make
a couple of snide comments

about your frivolous lifestyle, which
luckily, she doesn't know the half of.

You'll just suck it up, pay her back in
a couple of months and that'll be that.

With Mom, "that" is never "that. "
The guilt is always there.

To this day, she still reminds me
how much she had to sacrifice

just so I could get braces.

Like I deliberately had crooked teeth so
she'd be forced to drive a domestic car.

- All right, then just drop it.
- It's dropped.

- Don't ask her.
- I won't.

- Let it go.
- It's gone.

By the way,
they're about to repossess your Jaguar.


Very nice.

So, how much do you need?

I admit that my lifestyle
has been a little frivolous

and I probably should have been
paying closer attention to my expenses.

All right. How much do you need?

This is just a temporary thing,
couple of months.

- How much?
- You'll get it back.

This isn't like the braces
and the Mercury Capri.

Charlie, give me a number.

I really appreciate this, Mom.

No more need be said.

You'll pay it back when you can.


All right. Now that that's taken care of,
why don't I take my boys out to dinner?

There it is!

Everything's got a price.

- Charlie, what are you...
- No.

She can't just do something nice,
there's gotta be strings attached.

Nothing's given out of love.
Everything's got a hook in it!

You can keep your money, lady,
because I'm a free man,

and I can't be bought.

Now if you'll excuse me,
I have to go hide my car.

They're gonna take my Jag away

Charlie, can I talk to you for a minute?

I guess.

How come it's so dark in here?

Do you have any idea how much
electricity costs?


I didn't, either,
but it turns out it's quite a racket.


I know you're going through a tough time
and I really wanna help you out.

So, please take this.

This is a cashier's check.
Where did you get a cashier's check?

From my dad's bank, silly.

Your dad owns a bank?

Not all by himself.
Me and my brother and sister own 49%.


What about your mom?

She doesn't have a bank.

- I see.
- She's in oil.

- So you really have...
- Yep, more than God.

Didn't figure that when you dumped me,
did you?

Rose, it wouldn't have mattered.

I know. That's one of the things
I love about you.

You discard women
regardless of their financial status.

Thanks. But I can't take this.

You think I'm crazy, don't you?

My dad and brother said I was crazy,

but I think that was to form a power block
to squeeze me off the Board of Directors.

Shame on them.

I told them that you'd help me
if I needed it.

I mean, you're the first guy I've ever
met who hasn't cared about my money.

Who slept with me because he was drunk,
not because I was rich.

I only wanted to help you
because I thought that we were friends.

Maybe I was wrong. Maybe I am crazy.

No, Rose, it's fine. I am your friend.

And if it means that much to you,
I'll take the money.

Thank you, Charlie.
How can I ever repay you?

Don't worry about it.
And I will pay you back.

I know that.

Better I should owe you
than my manipulating, scheming mother.

That's the nicest thing
you've ever said to me.

Hang on, I'll grab you a tissue.

Thank you.