Two Doors Down (2016–…): Season 5, Episode 1 - Veggie Curry - full transcript
Beth has cooked a vegetable curry for Ian and Gordon's anniversary, but there's no such thing as a quiet family meal with the neighbours inviting themselves over and hijacking the occasion.
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PHONE BEEPS
Eric, that's your phone.
Eric, phone!
Oh.
Who is it?
It's Colin.
Oh, right. And what's he saying?
Him and Cath are
ordering a takeaway.
Asking if we wanted anything.
What are you saying?
I'm just telling him
you're already making dinner.
All right.
PHONE BEEPS
You didn't tell him
what I was making, did you?
Eh...Eric.
I might have.
And what did he say?
If you're doing a curry,
they'll no' bother phoning one.
Oh...
PHONE BEEPS
What is it now?
Oh...!Eric.
Cathy says you've not to do
the rice in the microwave.
*TWO DOORS DOWN
Season 05 Episode 01
Episode Title: "Veggie Currye"
Aired on: December 06, 2021.
Hi! Hi!
Hi, boys.
What's happened to you?
I'm fine, I'm fine.
It looks worse than is.
Dear me.
Oh, somebody's been getting
new cargo pants, I see.
Eh?
Oh... Oh, aye.
Aye. Come in, boys, come in.
Hi, boys.
Oh, my God.
Oh, honestly, it's OK.
What on earth happened?
I just got into an argument.
Who with?
Look, it doesn't matter.
I'm completely fine.
It's really not that serious.
Thanks for having us over.
Aye, aye, no problem.
I brought some supplies.
Oh. You can't have a curry
without a bloody big beer
or a glass of lager, can you?
It smells good, Mum.
Ah, well, I hope it's all right.
I've never done a veggie
curry before.
I'm sure it'll be lovely.
I'll stick these in the fridge.
You boys want a beer?
Aye, go on.
Yes, please. But can I get
a non-alcoholic one, please?
Oh, I...
I don't know if I've got...
The blue ones in the bag are
my non-alcoholic ones.Oh.
Oh, you're driving, are you?
I am, but I actually drink
them most of the time now.
I said to Ian that he should switch
to them so he doesn't end up
a big beer... belly.
So, how are you?
Eh, I'm fine.
Have you seen a doctor about this?
Yeah, yeah, it's fine.
Don't stress. It's nothing.
DOORBELL RINGS
Oh.
That'll be Colin and Cathy.
What?!Blame your dad?
Are you solid?Pardon?
Cos, let me tell you, without
going into too much detail,
it has been absolutely
shooting out of me.
Oh, dear God.
There you go. Cheers, boys.
Cheers. Cheers!
Mm
Mm, that's lovely.
Aye, they're very popular,
those, aren't they?
Is that low alcohol or no alcohol?
No alcohol at all.
Ah. Do you want to try it?
No.
And I've gone back and checked
everything I've eaten,
and the one thing that
I keep coming back to
is that sandwich you made me
the other day.
What? The ham and the tiger loaf.
Christine... What was the date
on that ham?
The ham is fine.
And your boards are clean?
Yes. Mm-hm.
And your cloths are being
washed regularly?
Yes. And you're feeling all right?
Well, I was up until now.
Well, that is a mystery.
Because this is the
furthest I have been
from my toilet pan in 48 hours.
Well, are you feeling all right?
Do you want to come in?
Mm, I don't know.
Is Eric in?Yes.
Oh, well, he'll want
to know all about this.
Oh.
Hello, Eric.
Hi, Christine, how are you?
Oh, wait a minute.
I need to use your loo.
Are you all right?
She's got a bit of an upset stomach.
Oh, I'm glad she's coming
here to have it.
Is it vomiting or diarrhoea,
Mrs Baird?
The latter, I think, Gordon.
Oh...
False alarm, Beth.
We're OK.
I did break wind in your
hallway, though. Apologies.
Oh, here.
Here, what happened to you?
He was in a fight.
A fight?
You said it was an argument.
It just got a little bit out
of hand. It was nothing.
Oh, that's looks a bad one, Ian.
That might scar.
Do you think? Mm.
It's a no go with the customer
service roles for you, Ian.
I don't want a customer
service role.
Unless it was Costa.
You could do the machine wi'
your back turned, you know.
Right.
Here, I've got a scar
on my back, Gordon.
You ever seen it? No.
Oh, wait till you see this.
Look at that, eh?
That's from when I got hit by
that trolley in the car park
at Morrisons.
Do you remember that, Beth?
I do, Christine.
Do you see it, Gordon?
No. Oh, wait a minute...
..till I get these
rolled down a wee bit.
There we are. It's quite a deep
pant I've on today, Gordon.
Christ, the amount of times these
have been up and down today, Eric.
Can you see it, Gordon?
Oh, yeah. Aye.
Can you see it, Eric?
Eh, I should go and check the curry.
Oh, yous are having
a curry, are you?
Yes.
Oh. Where'd you get it?
Nowhere. I cooked it.
YOU did?
Yes. In that kitchen?
Yes.
Ian and Gordon are over for dinner.
And what are they getting for their
pudding, two Imodium and a cork?
Christine thinks it might be
something she ate in here
that's made her ill.
ERIC: What's this?
Christine thinks it might be the ham
sandwich I made her the other day
that's upset her stomach.
Well, I've been absolutely fine.
Aye, but did you have the ham?
Yes. I saw him eating it
straight from the packet
yesterday when I was here.
Aye, you see, but he'll have built
up a tolerance to her germs, Gordon.
Excuse me?
It's like dogs. They can
lick their own dirt,
and then they're
neither up, nor down.
They eat their own sick, too.
Can you imagine that?
Do you mind? We're just about
to have our dinner here.
Now, can I make you
a drink, Christine?
Mm, I don't know...
Peppermint tea's very good
for an upset stomach.
Aye, for giving you one.
Well, what about if I make you
a normal tea, just a bit weak?
Mm, aye... All right, all right.
Right.
An ordinary tea wi' a wee dash of
milk and fresh water in the kettle
and a mug straight fae
the dishwasher.
OK.
Ah, fuck it. I'm going in.
Ah. Mm-hm. Now...
Christine, what are you doing?
Oh-ho, wow.
Your sink hole wouldnae
say no to a bit of bleach.
Oh, for goodness' sake.
Oh, for Christ's sake!
When was the last time that saw
the inside of a washing machine?
Eh?Do you mind?
Oh.
There it is.
Here we go.
The epicentre.
Now...
Oh, wait a minute.
What's in this dish here?
It's the lasagne
we had the other night.
That's going out.
Christine. What else have we got?
CHRISTINE SNIFFS
Oh. What's the date on this?
Ha! Whole baby beetroots?
They'll have had babies
of their own by now.
Right, this is ridiculous.
There is nothing wrong with
my kitchen, or my fridge,
or anything else.
Now, do you want that cup
of tea or not?
Fair enough, Beth.
I'll take a tea.
Right.
Christine, go and sit down.
DOORBELL RINGS
Eric, get that, would you?
Hey! Here he is, the curry king.
Hi, Cath. Hi, Colin.
Oh, I can smell it already, Col.
That's good, isn't it?
Makes a change from the
sort of smell of washing
that's normally here.
Oh, I hate that.
It's even worse if she's got
stuff over the radiators.
Aye, all her tights and stuff.
Anyway, nice to see you, squire.
Glad we could make it.
Me too.
Hey, there's Ian and Gordon.
Oh, hi, Gordon.
There's Christine.
Mm-hm. Uh.
Here, what's happened to you?
Oh, nothing.
You look like you've been beaten up.
I've been through
the wars myself, Cath...
Was it a homophobic attack, Ian?
See, this is the trouble
wi' these tight jeans.
Were you trying to fire
into a straight guy?
No, I was not!
Hi, Cath. So, what happened, then?
Look, it was nothing.
Obviously, it wasn't nothing,
if you managed to get a black eye.
Oh, geez oh. Right.
So, we'd been in town having dinner,
and we went along to the station
to get a cab home.
There was these three blokes in
the queue, and they were saying
some stuff to the girls
in front of them.
What were they saying?
Just... stuff that was a bit
out of order.
Anyway, so the next thing, I said
to them to leave them alone,
and then they sort of turned on me,
and then it was pushing and shoving,
and then one of them just...
punched me.
Oh, Ian. I know.
Did you hit him back?
Well, yeah.
He was quite violent
as a child, Colin.
So, what happened then?
Then it just got out of hand.
His mates all piled in, and then
we all ended up on the ground.
But, thankfully, two guys came out
of the chip shop and broke it up.
Oh, that was good of them.
They probably lost their
place in the queue.
Oh, you poor thing.
Come here.
Well, at least it got
stopped when it did.
It could have been
a hell of a lot worse.
And what exactly were they
saying to the lassies?
Let's not get into all that.
"Show us your tits."
Oh.
Was it, "Show me your tits."
Does it matter?
No, I think it was "us".
"Show us your tits."
He definitely wanted to see them.
They were arseholes,
let's just leave it there.
And how did the girls react?
Well, they were just ignoring
them, really. Right.
Until one of the other guys
started saying other stuff.
What other stuff?
Gordon.
"Suck my cock."Right.
And, "Sit on my face."
Erm... "Shows us your tits. Suck
my cock," and, "Sit on my face."
I think we get the picture, Gordon.
And someone screamed,
"Whore master."
But it was really difficult at that
point to tell who that was aimed at.
I mean, there was a lot going on.
And did you get hit, as well?
Well, no, not really.
It was all over quite quickly,
to be honest with you.
Yeah, it happened so fast.
I wasn't sure what to do.
Never been in a fight before.
Have you not?
COLIN SNORTS
No.
Has nobody ever just..
punched you?
No. And I've never hit anyone.
What, never?
Nope. Never in my whole life.
Well, the main thing is
you're all right.
I'm fine.
The thing that pissed me off
the most was that it spoiled
our night out.
Oh, it's such a shame.
We'd just been out for a meal
for our anniversary.
Oh, had yous?
Yeah, we've been together
for two years now.
Aw. Aw.
Does it seems longer, Ian?
Congratulations, boys.
That is a real achievement.
Especially with the amount
of casual sex that's available
within the gay community.
Aye.
Remember folk used to meet up
in the park at night, Beth, eh?
Do they still do that?
No, it's all online now, Christine.
Oh, really?
Well, maybe they'll cut back those
big rhododendrons now, Beth.
So is this what this curry's
in aid of, then, is it?
Is it a wee anniversary celebration?
It is, Colin, yes.
Aye, that's brilliant.
So, what are you doing for them?
Is it chicken, or lamb, or...?
Cauliflower and chickpea?
Say again, Beth?
Cauliflower and chickpea.
No meat?
No. It's a vegetable curry.
Why?
Because Gordon's a vegetarian.
But Colin likes lamb.
Lamb curry, do you not fancy that?
He doesn't eat lamb.
Has he ever tried it?
Well, no, he's a vegetarian.
Can you no' make him his
in a separate thing,
and do us a proper one?
They were invited.
Beth cooked it especially for them.
MOCKING: Oh, woohoo!
We've managed two years
without bumming anyone else.
Let's celebrate with
a vegetarian curry!
Nobody in nothing with their bums if
they eat anything that she's made.
Thank you, Christine.
How come you're on the beers?
No' got a bottle of bubbly
or something to open, Eric?
Eh, well, we've got a bit
wine in the fridge.
It's fine, we're not bothered.
Colin, away and get a bottle of
champagne and bring it through.
Aye, all right.
Oh, and get a couple of the chicken
breasts out of the freezer, as well.
No!
TOILET FLUSHES
Beth, where'd you put your stuff
for the blue bin?
DOOR OPENS
Only me.
Hey! Yay! Woohoo! There he is!
Eric, Eric, go and get some glasses.
Eh, clean ones, Eric.
Listen, you didn't need to bother,
Col. It's very kind of you.
No, no, it's all right, Ian.
We got it as a present, anyway.
I've got a wee present
for you, as well.
Well, it's for Gordon, actually.
Oh, excited!
What is it?
It's one of Cathy's
personal safety alarms.
What?
Well, it's just in case, you know,
something happens in the future.
Gordon's obviously no'
much of fighter.
But next time there's a bit
of bother, you've got this handy.
Right. Well, thanks very much.
A silly wee bleeper's no's going
to do him much good, is it?
Well, you know, actually,
it's quite a powerful wee thing.
Look.
PIERCING TONES WAIL
Oh! Oh!
Oh!Oh, God!
Oh...! Oh, switch that off!
ALARM BLARES
What's that noise?!
Colin! Put it off!
I'm trying!
Oh! Throw it out the window!
Oh, for God's sake! Colin!
Colin!
ALARM STOPS
Oh...
Oh, geez oh!
What on earth is that thing?
It's Cathy's personal safety alarm.
What a bloody racket!
We're giving it to Gordon
because he's a wuss.
Hey! Here, Gordon.
Stick that on your key ring.
Are you sure you don't need it?
No, Gordon, honey. You take it.
Honestly, men are more frightened
of me than I am of them.
Watch that disnae go off
in your pocket, Gordon.
That'll blow your fucking nuts off.
Well, thanks very much.
Erm... I'll just pop it there.
Right, who's for a glass
of champagne?
Woohoo! Come on, Colin! Get it open.
Nice glass of bubbly,
celebrate Beth's curry.
It's their anniversary.
Celebrate their anniversary.
Christine, you taking a glass?
Oh, I don't know whether
I should risk it.
No, no, Christine,
you stick to your tea.
Cups of tea, trips to the toilet.
That's a good night for you.
CORK POPS
Woohoo! Whoa!
That is the kind of noise I like.
Here, is that any use
to you, Christine?
THEY ALL LAUGH
Mum, come get a glass of champagne!
Eric, glass of bubbly, squire.
Oh, why not?
There you go.
Right, Ian?
Thanks very much, Colin.
Very kind of you.
Oh, here she is -
the queen of the curries.
Glass of champagne, Your Highness?
Oh, go on. Thank you, Colin.
Right, and Gordon.
I won't, actually. Thanks, Colin.
Eh? I'm not drinking.
Well, what's that?
It's non-alcoholic.
What?
It's non-alcoholic beer.
What is the fucking point in that?
Well, you can have a drink
without getting drunk.
Look, if he doesn't want to drink,
he doesn't have to.
OK, OK.
Right, well, cheers, folks.
Here's to..
..Ian and Gordon.
Ian and Gordon.Ian and Gordon.
Ian and Gordon.
Ian and boring bastard.
To us. To us.
So, two years, eh, boys? Eh?
Yeah. It's just flown by, hasn't it?
Yeah, it has.
Mm, has it, really, Ian?
It's been lovely getting
to know you, son.
And what would you say
has been the highlight
of your relationship so far?
Oh, God.
Eh, let me think... Mm...
There's been loads, hasn't there?
Yeah. Yeah, there has.
Well, if you had to pick one,
I mean, what would it be?
Well, we've been for some
lovely walks, haven't we?
Yeah. Yeah, we have.
You can't beat a big
woodland walk on a Sunday,
then home for a bath and
a hot chocolate.
That's... That's nice.
Mm.Mm.
Well, here's to you, boys.
Cheers.Cheers.
Do these woodland walks take place
at night, by any chance, Gordon?
These chip shops are
a hot spot for trouble.
Folk full of drink and
driven out their minds
with the smell of the vinegar.
I mean, fair play to you, Ian,
for taking on the three of them.
Aye, and people make the mistake of
thinking that the gays are soft,
but they can be vicious
wee bastards.
What were you doing, Gordon?
Were you just standing
there, watching?
Well, I didn't know what to do.
Look, it all happened so quickly.
It was a blur, wasn't it?
It was, yeah.
Aye, but when he was on the
ground and they were on him,
did you not think
of stepping in?
Well..
I've never been in that
situation before.
Aye, but your instinct
kicks in, surely?
I didn't know what to do.
I was scared.
Too scared to defend your partner?
Well, if that had been Colin,
I would have jumped RIGHT in.
Aye, you say that now.
Yes, I would, Ian.
I would have taken my shoe off
and used the heel.
Pulling hair's good, Cath.
Oh yeah.
But if they're wearing extensions,
they just come away in your hands.
Ah.
I don't think hair pulling would
have done much with these guys.
Well, at least it'd have
been something, Ian.
Aye, you could have
grabbed a clump of it,
and then dragged them to the ground.
And started kicking them
in the balls.
Oh, kicking the balls -
that's good, Cath.
Oh, that REALLY hurts them.
You know, sometimes if he just
crosses his legs the wrong way,
he's in agony. Mm.
Oh, stamping, as well, Cath.
Stamping on their hands.
Stamping on their hands
with your heels on!
No, remember, you've taken
them off, Cath.
Oh, yeah, so I have.
Or there's always the good old
Glasgow kiss.
Yes. Oh, yes, indeed.
Just a simple headbutt.
I mean, we are renowned the world
over for doing that to people.
And they are very effective.
Just aim straight for the bridge
of the nose,
and then you follow it up with
a good swift punch in the kidneys.
And then when they hit the floor,
you spit in their face...
..and finish them off!
CHRISTINE SPITS
Oh...
God, Col...
..I'm dying for a night out!
Listen, it was a nightmare.
Anything could have happened.
At the end of the day, it was better
only one of us getting dragged in.
Otherwise, it could have
ended up a whole lot worse.
BETH: OK, that's us ready.
Here we go. Curry time!
Woohoo!
Lucky I made a big pot.
Oh, I'm ready for this. Eh, Gordon?
Oh, yes, smells delicious.
Aw, thanks a lot
for doing this, Mum.
Oh, it's no problem.
Right, who's having some?
Oh, yes, please.
Oh, I don't know.
My stomach's saying yes,
but my arse is screaming no.
Eh, well, just a wee bit?
Oh, I'm not sure if
I should risk it.
Is it spicy?
No, it's quite mild.
You're what?
It's quite mild, the curry.
You're joking?
It's got to have a bit
of a kick to it, Beth.
Curry is supposed to be spicy, Beth.
Gordon doesn't like
anything too hot.
Is this because of you?
Well... Yeah, sorry. I just
can't take anything too spicy.
Oh, for fuck's...
So, we are having a
mild vegetable curry?
Yes, Colin.
It's like a korma.
Is that the one we get?
No, no, we get rogan josh.
Colin likes rogan josh, Eric.
Excuse me, I'll just nip to
the toilet and wash my hands.
I'd go upstairs, Gordon.
That wee one in the hall might
still be in shock.
Oh, napkins.
I'm no' trying to be funny, Ian...
..but he must do your head in.
What? He must, Ian. Come on.
I mean, he disnae drink,
disnae eat meat,
doesn't like anything spicy.
He's got absolutely no arse.
Oh, Cathy, for God's sake!
Yeah, all right, Eric.
Just cos yours is fucking huge.
I never noticed that about Gordon.
Is he quite flat at the back, Cath?
There's absolutely no arse
at all, Christine.
Just leave him alone.
He's my partner!
He might be your partner, but
he was quite happy to stand back
and watch you taking a hiding
in the middle of the street.
Oh, not this again.
You know, that's where people
show their true colours.
You were getting
physically attacked,
and he just stood back and watched.
Honestly, if I were you...
..I'd get shot of him.
Pardon? I would.
I mean, the highlight
of your relationship
has been going for walks.
CATH SCOFFS
Come on.
No offence, Ian,
but take him to the woods
and fucking leave him there.
I'm not listening to this.
This is outrageous!
Eh, that's enough, Cathy!
ERIC: That is enough!
They're here for a nice
family dinner.
Look, we'll just go. This...
No, no, no. You stay there.
Just drop it, right?
Ah, here he is.
What were you talking about?
Oh, nothing really... Nothing,
just... Just the curry...
THEY ALL MUMBLE
Curry and... Aye, rice...
OK, who's for rice?
Yes, please.Oh, yes.
Ah...
Thank you, Mum.
Gordon?
Oh, wow, look at that.
Bloody love rice.
Have you naan breads, as well, Beth?
No, I'm afraid there's
no naan bread.
You've what?!
Oh...! Oh, Beth, Beth, Beth.
Oh, you cannae have a curry
without naan breads.
Exactly!
Well, I am very sorry.
We DON'T have any naan bread.
But what we do have is a huge pot
of home-made curry,
which I have made from scratch,
and you very happily invited
yourself in to eat some of!
Aye, but no naans, though!
I know.
Why don't we phone some in?
Oh, that's a brilliant idea. Beth!
CATH BANGS TABLE Beth, Beth,
phone for naan breads to be delivered.
They won't deliver you
just naan bread.
Why?There's a minimum charge
for a home delivery.
Aye, that's right.
I've phoned for a tub of
grated cheese before,
and they more or less
told me to piss off.
Well, why don't we...
..get some starters, then we can get
some naan breads along with them?
That is a great idea.
Aye. Christine?
Aye, I'd take a pakora.
I thought your stomach
was playing up?
Aye, but battered food always
settles me down.
Poppadoms, please.
Oh, poppadoms, yes.
Poppadoms and spicy onions.
How many do you think? Ten?
No, round it up to the dozen.
Right, dozen poppadoms.
Eh, what, three pakora do us?
I'm going to need a pad.
Put me down for a butter chicken.
That's a main course.
Technically.
Are you having a main course,
as well, Christine?
Well, in that case, I will be
having a wee lamb rogan josh.
Oh, and get some rice, Col.
Get proper rice.
I don't like the look of this stuff.
Mm, you're right to be wary, Cath.
Eric?
You fancy something?
Wouldn't mind a chicken tikka.
Oh, I'll have a bit of that.
Ian?
I'm good with what I've got,
thanks, Cath.
Me too.
Right, I'll phone it.
Do you know the Taj, Gordon?
That's the best!
Taj ma hole, Gordon.
OK.
Right, three pakora, dozen
poppadoms, one lamb rogan josh,
butter chicken, chicken tikka,
couple of proper rice,
and plenty of naans!
Hello. Yes, I'd like to make
an order for home delivery.
Oh...
One hour, 45 minutes.
Oh!
What if we collected it?
Right.
Says he's fine with the collection,
but it should be ready
in about half an hour.
But, listen, I've had a drink.
I cannae go and get it.
I'll go.No!
You've been drinking, too.
No, it's all right,
I've got mints in the car.
I'll go for it.
Gordon, you don't need to do that.
Honestly, it's no problem.
Would you, Gordon? Aye?
Oh, bless you, Gordon, honey.
Yeah, I don't mind.
I've not been drinking,
so I can drive.
Oh, you're some man.
Right, that's it. We're on.
OK, so...
You all right?
Oh, yeah, I'm fine.
You sure you're OK going?
Oh, yeah, no problem.
Look... can I just say something?
I'm sorry I didn't help
you fight those guys.
Honestly, don't even worry about it.
No. I'm your partner.
I should have stood up for you.
Oh, don't listen to them.
They're a nightmare.
I'm just glad you didn't get hurt.
And I'm glad we're together.
No matter what they say.
Eh?
Och, nothing.
Was this when I was in the toilet?
What did they say?
What did they say?
Well, they were basically saying...
..I should finish with you.
Who said that?
Who said that? Colin.
Oh, you no' away yet?
♪ Oh, how lovely cooks the meat
Oh, how lovely cooks the meat
♪ When I get back home to eat
Oh, how lovely cooks the meat
♪ I smell it far away and
I thought of it all day
♪ She's cooking the meat for me
What a meal it's going to be
♪ Oh, I've cooked
♪ A lovely meal
♪ To my man it will appeal... ♪
---
PHONE BEEPS
Eric, that's your phone.
Eric, phone!
Oh.
Who is it?
It's Colin.
Oh, right. And what's he saying?
Him and Cath are
ordering a takeaway.
Asking if we wanted anything.
What are you saying?
I'm just telling him
you're already making dinner.
All right.
PHONE BEEPS
You didn't tell him
what I was making, did you?
Eh...Eric.
I might have.
And what did he say?
If you're doing a curry,
they'll no' bother phoning one.
Oh...
PHONE BEEPS
What is it now?
Oh...!Eric.
Cathy says you've not to do
the rice in the microwave.
*TWO DOORS DOWN
Season 05 Episode 01
Episode Title: "Veggie Currye"
Aired on: December 06, 2021.
Hi! Hi!
Hi, boys.
What's happened to you?
I'm fine, I'm fine.
It looks worse than is.
Dear me.
Oh, somebody's been getting
new cargo pants, I see.
Eh?
Oh... Oh, aye.
Aye. Come in, boys, come in.
Hi, boys.
Oh, my God.
Oh, honestly, it's OK.
What on earth happened?
I just got into an argument.
Who with?
Look, it doesn't matter.
I'm completely fine.
It's really not that serious.
Thanks for having us over.
Aye, aye, no problem.
I brought some supplies.
Oh. You can't have a curry
without a bloody big beer
or a glass of lager, can you?
It smells good, Mum.
Ah, well, I hope it's all right.
I've never done a veggie
curry before.
I'm sure it'll be lovely.
I'll stick these in the fridge.
You boys want a beer?
Aye, go on.
Yes, please. But can I get
a non-alcoholic one, please?
Oh, I...
I don't know if I've got...
The blue ones in the bag are
my non-alcoholic ones.Oh.
Oh, you're driving, are you?
I am, but I actually drink
them most of the time now.
I said to Ian that he should switch
to them so he doesn't end up
a big beer... belly.
So, how are you?
Eh, I'm fine.
Have you seen a doctor about this?
Yeah, yeah, it's fine.
Don't stress. It's nothing.
DOORBELL RINGS
Oh.
That'll be Colin and Cathy.
What?!Blame your dad?
Are you solid?Pardon?
Cos, let me tell you, without
going into too much detail,
it has been absolutely
shooting out of me.
Oh, dear God.
There you go. Cheers, boys.
Cheers. Cheers!
Mm
Mm, that's lovely.
Aye, they're very popular,
those, aren't they?
Is that low alcohol or no alcohol?
No alcohol at all.
Ah. Do you want to try it?
No.
And I've gone back and checked
everything I've eaten,
and the one thing that
I keep coming back to
is that sandwich you made me
the other day.
What? The ham and the tiger loaf.
Christine... What was the date
on that ham?
The ham is fine.
And your boards are clean?
Yes. Mm-hm.
And your cloths are being
washed regularly?
Yes. And you're feeling all right?
Well, I was up until now.
Well, that is a mystery.
Because this is the
furthest I have been
from my toilet pan in 48 hours.
Well, are you feeling all right?
Do you want to come in?
Mm, I don't know.
Is Eric in?Yes.
Oh, well, he'll want
to know all about this.
Oh.
Hello, Eric.
Hi, Christine, how are you?
Oh, wait a minute.
I need to use your loo.
Are you all right?
She's got a bit of an upset stomach.
Oh, I'm glad she's coming
here to have it.
Is it vomiting or diarrhoea,
Mrs Baird?
The latter, I think, Gordon.
Oh...
False alarm, Beth.
We're OK.
I did break wind in your
hallway, though. Apologies.
Oh, here.
Here, what happened to you?
He was in a fight.
A fight?
You said it was an argument.
It just got a little bit out
of hand. It was nothing.
Oh, that's looks a bad one, Ian.
That might scar.
Do you think? Mm.
It's a no go with the customer
service roles for you, Ian.
I don't want a customer
service role.
Unless it was Costa.
You could do the machine wi'
your back turned, you know.
Right.
Here, I've got a scar
on my back, Gordon.
You ever seen it? No.
Oh, wait till you see this.
Look at that, eh?
That's from when I got hit by
that trolley in the car park
at Morrisons.
Do you remember that, Beth?
I do, Christine.
Do you see it, Gordon?
No. Oh, wait a minute...
..till I get these
rolled down a wee bit.
There we are. It's quite a deep
pant I've on today, Gordon.
Christ, the amount of times these
have been up and down today, Eric.
Can you see it, Gordon?
Oh, yeah. Aye.
Can you see it, Eric?
Eh, I should go and check the curry.
Oh, yous are having
a curry, are you?
Yes.
Oh. Where'd you get it?
Nowhere. I cooked it.
YOU did?
Yes. In that kitchen?
Yes.
Ian and Gordon are over for dinner.
And what are they getting for their
pudding, two Imodium and a cork?
Christine thinks it might be
something she ate in here
that's made her ill.
ERIC: What's this?
Christine thinks it might be the ham
sandwich I made her the other day
that's upset her stomach.
Well, I've been absolutely fine.
Aye, but did you have the ham?
Yes. I saw him eating it
straight from the packet
yesterday when I was here.
Aye, you see, but he'll have built
up a tolerance to her germs, Gordon.
Excuse me?
It's like dogs. They can
lick their own dirt,
and then they're
neither up, nor down.
They eat their own sick, too.
Can you imagine that?
Do you mind? We're just about
to have our dinner here.
Now, can I make you
a drink, Christine?
Mm, I don't know...
Peppermint tea's very good
for an upset stomach.
Aye, for giving you one.
Well, what about if I make you
a normal tea, just a bit weak?
Mm, aye... All right, all right.
Right.
An ordinary tea wi' a wee dash of
milk and fresh water in the kettle
and a mug straight fae
the dishwasher.
OK.
Ah, fuck it. I'm going in.
Ah. Mm-hm. Now...
Christine, what are you doing?
Oh-ho, wow.
Your sink hole wouldnae
say no to a bit of bleach.
Oh, for goodness' sake.
Oh, for Christ's sake!
When was the last time that saw
the inside of a washing machine?
Eh?Do you mind?
Oh.
There it is.
Here we go.
The epicentre.
Now...
Oh, wait a minute.
What's in this dish here?
It's the lasagne
we had the other night.
That's going out.
Christine. What else have we got?
CHRISTINE SNIFFS
Oh. What's the date on this?
Ha! Whole baby beetroots?
They'll have had babies
of their own by now.
Right, this is ridiculous.
There is nothing wrong with
my kitchen, or my fridge,
or anything else.
Now, do you want that cup
of tea or not?
Fair enough, Beth.
I'll take a tea.
Right.
Christine, go and sit down.
DOORBELL RINGS
Eric, get that, would you?
Hey! Here he is, the curry king.
Hi, Cath. Hi, Colin.
Oh, I can smell it already, Col.
That's good, isn't it?
Makes a change from the
sort of smell of washing
that's normally here.
Oh, I hate that.
It's even worse if she's got
stuff over the radiators.
Aye, all her tights and stuff.
Anyway, nice to see you, squire.
Glad we could make it.
Me too.
Hey, there's Ian and Gordon.
Oh, hi, Gordon.
There's Christine.
Mm-hm. Uh.
Here, what's happened to you?
Oh, nothing.
You look like you've been beaten up.
I've been through
the wars myself, Cath...
Was it a homophobic attack, Ian?
See, this is the trouble
wi' these tight jeans.
Were you trying to fire
into a straight guy?
No, I was not!
Hi, Cath. So, what happened, then?
Look, it was nothing.
Obviously, it wasn't nothing,
if you managed to get a black eye.
Oh, geez oh. Right.
So, we'd been in town having dinner,
and we went along to the station
to get a cab home.
There was these three blokes in
the queue, and they were saying
some stuff to the girls
in front of them.
What were they saying?
Just... stuff that was a bit
out of order.
Anyway, so the next thing, I said
to them to leave them alone,
and then they sort of turned on me,
and then it was pushing and shoving,
and then one of them just...
punched me.
Oh, Ian. I know.
Did you hit him back?
Well, yeah.
He was quite violent
as a child, Colin.
So, what happened then?
Then it just got out of hand.
His mates all piled in, and then
we all ended up on the ground.
But, thankfully, two guys came out
of the chip shop and broke it up.
Oh, that was good of them.
They probably lost their
place in the queue.
Oh, you poor thing.
Come here.
Well, at least it got
stopped when it did.
It could have been
a hell of a lot worse.
And what exactly were they
saying to the lassies?
Let's not get into all that.
"Show us your tits."
Oh.
Was it, "Show me your tits."
Does it matter?
No, I think it was "us".
"Show us your tits."
He definitely wanted to see them.
They were arseholes,
let's just leave it there.
And how did the girls react?
Well, they were just ignoring
them, really. Right.
Until one of the other guys
started saying other stuff.
What other stuff?
Gordon.
"Suck my cock."Right.
And, "Sit on my face."
Erm... "Shows us your tits. Suck
my cock," and, "Sit on my face."
I think we get the picture, Gordon.
And someone screamed,
"Whore master."
But it was really difficult at that
point to tell who that was aimed at.
I mean, there was a lot going on.
And did you get hit, as well?
Well, no, not really.
It was all over quite quickly,
to be honest with you.
Yeah, it happened so fast.
I wasn't sure what to do.
Never been in a fight before.
Have you not?
COLIN SNORTS
No.
Has nobody ever just..
punched you?
No. And I've never hit anyone.
What, never?
Nope. Never in my whole life.
Well, the main thing is
you're all right.
I'm fine.
The thing that pissed me off
the most was that it spoiled
our night out.
Oh, it's such a shame.
We'd just been out for a meal
for our anniversary.
Oh, had yous?
Yeah, we've been together
for two years now.
Aw. Aw.
Does it seems longer, Ian?
Congratulations, boys.
That is a real achievement.
Especially with the amount
of casual sex that's available
within the gay community.
Aye.
Remember folk used to meet up
in the park at night, Beth, eh?
Do they still do that?
No, it's all online now, Christine.
Oh, really?
Well, maybe they'll cut back those
big rhododendrons now, Beth.
So is this what this curry's
in aid of, then, is it?
Is it a wee anniversary celebration?
It is, Colin, yes.
Aye, that's brilliant.
So, what are you doing for them?
Is it chicken, or lamb, or...?
Cauliflower and chickpea?
Say again, Beth?
Cauliflower and chickpea.
No meat?
No. It's a vegetable curry.
Why?
Because Gordon's a vegetarian.
But Colin likes lamb.
Lamb curry, do you not fancy that?
He doesn't eat lamb.
Has he ever tried it?
Well, no, he's a vegetarian.
Can you no' make him his
in a separate thing,
and do us a proper one?
They were invited.
Beth cooked it especially for them.
MOCKING: Oh, woohoo!
We've managed two years
without bumming anyone else.
Let's celebrate with
a vegetarian curry!
Nobody in nothing with their bums if
they eat anything that she's made.
Thank you, Christine.
How come you're on the beers?
No' got a bottle of bubbly
or something to open, Eric?
Eh, well, we've got a bit
wine in the fridge.
It's fine, we're not bothered.
Colin, away and get a bottle of
champagne and bring it through.
Aye, all right.
Oh, and get a couple of the chicken
breasts out of the freezer, as well.
No!
TOILET FLUSHES
Beth, where'd you put your stuff
for the blue bin?
DOOR OPENS
Only me.
Hey! Yay! Woohoo! There he is!
Eric, Eric, go and get some glasses.
Eh, clean ones, Eric.
Listen, you didn't need to bother,
Col. It's very kind of you.
No, no, it's all right, Ian.
We got it as a present, anyway.
I've got a wee present
for you, as well.
Well, it's for Gordon, actually.
Oh, excited!
What is it?
It's one of Cathy's
personal safety alarms.
What?
Well, it's just in case, you know,
something happens in the future.
Gordon's obviously no'
much of fighter.
But next time there's a bit
of bother, you've got this handy.
Right. Well, thanks very much.
A silly wee bleeper's no's going
to do him much good, is it?
Well, you know, actually,
it's quite a powerful wee thing.
Look.
PIERCING TONES WAIL
Oh! Oh!
Oh!Oh, God!
Oh...! Oh, switch that off!
ALARM BLARES
What's that noise?!
Colin! Put it off!
I'm trying!
Oh! Throw it out the window!
Oh, for God's sake! Colin!
Colin!
ALARM STOPS
Oh...
Oh, geez oh!
What on earth is that thing?
It's Cathy's personal safety alarm.
What a bloody racket!
We're giving it to Gordon
because he's a wuss.
Hey! Here, Gordon.
Stick that on your key ring.
Are you sure you don't need it?
No, Gordon, honey. You take it.
Honestly, men are more frightened
of me than I am of them.
Watch that disnae go off
in your pocket, Gordon.
That'll blow your fucking nuts off.
Well, thanks very much.
Erm... I'll just pop it there.
Right, who's for a glass
of champagne?
Woohoo! Come on, Colin! Get it open.
Nice glass of bubbly,
celebrate Beth's curry.
It's their anniversary.
Celebrate their anniversary.
Christine, you taking a glass?
Oh, I don't know whether
I should risk it.
No, no, Christine,
you stick to your tea.
Cups of tea, trips to the toilet.
That's a good night for you.
CORK POPS
Woohoo! Whoa!
That is the kind of noise I like.
Here, is that any use
to you, Christine?
THEY ALL LAUGH
Mum, come get a glass of champagne!
Eric, glass of bubbly, squire.
Oh, why not?
There you go.
Right, Ian?
Thanks very much, Colin.
Very kind of you.
Oh, here she is -
the queen of the curries.
Glass of champagne, Your Highness?
Oh, go on. Thank you, Colin.
Right, and Gordon.
I won't, actually. Thanks, Colin.
Eh? I'm not drinking.
Well, what's that?
It's non-alcoholic.
What?
It's non-alcoholic beer.
What is the fucking point in that?
Well, you can have a drink
without getting drunk.
Look, if he doesn't want to drink,
he doesn't have to.
OK, OK.
Right, well, cheers, folks.
Here's to..
..Ian and Gordon.
Ian and Gordon.Ian and Gordon.
Ian and Gordon.
Ian and boring bastard.
To us. To us.
So, two years, eh, boys? Eh?
Yeah. It's just flown by, hasn't it?
Yeah, it has.
Mm, has it, really, Ian?
It's been lovely getting
to know you, son.
And what would you say
has been the highlight
of your relationship so far?
Oh, God.
Eh, let me think... Mm...
There's been loads, hasn't there?
Yeah. Yeah, there has.
Well, if you had to pick one,
I mean, what would it be?
Well, we've been for some
lovely walks, haven't we?
Yeah. Yeah, we have.
You can't beat a big
woodland walk on a Sunday,
then home for a bath and
a hot chocolate.
That's... That's nice.
Mm.Mm.
Well, here's to you, boys.
Cheers.Cheers.
Do these woodland walks take place
at night, by any chance, Gordon?
These chip shops are
a hot spot for trouble.
Folk full of drink and
driven out their minds
with the smell of the vinegar.
I mean, fair play to you, Ian,
for taking on the three of them.
Aye, and people make the mistake of
thinking that the gays are soft,
but they can be vicious
wee bastards.
What were you doing, Gordon?
Were you just standing
there, watching?
Well, I didn't know what to do.
Look, it all happened so quickly.
It was a blur, wasn't it?
It was, yeah.
Aye, but when he was on the
ground and they were on him,
did you not think
of stepping in?
Well..
I've never been in that
situation before.
Aye, but your instinct
kicks in, surely?
I didn't know what to do.
I was scared.
Too scared to defend your partner?
Well, if that had been Colin,
I would have jumped RIGHT in.
Aye, you say that now.
Yes, I would, Ian.
I would have taken my shoe off
and used the heel.
Pulling hair's good, Cath.
Oh yeah.
But if they're wearing extensions,
they just come away in your hands.
Ah.
I don't think hair pulling would
have done much with these guys.
Well, at least it'd have
been something, Ian.
Aye, you could have
grabbed a clump of it,
and then dragged them to the ground.
And started kicking them
in the balls.
Oh, kicking the balls -
that's good, Cath.
Oh, that REALLY hurts them.
You know, sometimes if he just
crosses his legs the wrong way,
he's in agony. Mm.
Oh, stamping, as well, Cath.
Stamping on their hands.
Stamping on their hands
with your heels on!
No, remember, you've taken
them off, Cath.
Oh, yeah, so I have.
Or there's always the good old
Glasgow kiss.
Yes. Oh, yes, indeed.
Just a simple headbutt.
I mean, we are renowned the world
over for doing that to people.
And they are very effective.
Just aim straight for the bridge
of the nose,
and then you follow it up with
a good swift punch in the kidneys.
And then when they hit the floor,
you spit in their face...
..and finish them off!
CHRISTINE SPITS
Oh...
God, Col...
..I'm dying for a night out!
Listen, it was a nightmare.
Anything could have happened.
At the end of the day, it was better
only one of us getting dragged in.
Otherwise, it could have
ended up a whole lot worse.
BETH: OK, that's us ready.
Here we go. Curry time!
Woohoo!
Lucky I made a big pot.
Oh, I'm ready for this. Eh, Gordon?
Oh, yes, smells delicious.
Aw, thanks a lot
for doing this, Mum.
Oh, it's no problem.
Right, who's having some?
Oh, yes, please.
Oh, I don't know.
My stomach's saying yes,
but my arse is screaming no.
Eh, well, just a wee bit?
Oh, I'm not sure if
I should risk it.
Is it spicy?
No, it's quite mild.
You're what?
It's quite mild, the curry.
You're joking?
It's got to have a bit
of a kick to it, Beth.
Curry is supposed to be spicy, Beth.
Gordon doesn't like
anything too hot.
Is this because of you?
Well... Yeah, sorry. I just
can't take anything too spicy.
Oh, for fuck's...
So, we are having a
mild vegetable curry?
Yes, Colin.
It's like a korma.
Is that the one we get?
No, no, we get rogan josh.
Colin likes rogan josh, Eric.
Excuse me, I'll just nip to
the toilet and wash my hands.
I'd go upstairs, Gordon.
That wee one in the hall might
still be in shock.
Oh, napkins.
I'm no' trying to be funny, Ian...
..but he must do your head in.
What? He must, Ian. Come on.
I mean, he disnae drink,
disnae eat meat,
doesn't like anything spicy.
He's got absolutely no arse.
Oh, Cathy, for God's sake!
Yeah, all right, Eric.
Just cos yours is fucking huge.
I never noticed that about Gordon.
Is he quite flat at the back, Cath?
There's absolutely no arse
at all, Christine.
Just leave him alone.
He's my partner!
He might be your partner, but
he was quite happy to stand back
and watch you taking a hiding
in the middle of the street.
Oh, not this again.
You know, that's where people
show their true colours.
You were getting
physically attacked,
and he just stood back and watched.
Honestly, if I were you...
..I'd get shot of him.
Pardon? I would.
I mean, the highlight
of your relationship
has been going for walks.
CATH SCOFFS
Come on.
No offence, Ian,
but take him to the woods
and fucking leave him there.
I'm not listening to this.
This is outrageous!
Eh, that's enough, Cathy!
ERIC: That is enough!
They're here for a nice
family dinner.
Look, we'll just go. This...
No, no, no. You stay there.
Just drop it, right?
Ah, here he is.
What were you talking about?
Oh, nothing really... Nothing,
just... Just the curry...
THEY ALL MUMBLE
Curry and... Aye, rice...
OK, who's for rice?
Yes, please.Oh, yes.
Ah...
Thank you, Mum.
Gordon?
Oh, wow, look at that.
Bloody love rice.
Have you naan breads, as well, Beth?
No, I'm afraid there's
no naan bread.
You've what?!
Oh...! Oh, Beth, Beth, Beth.
Oh, you cannae have a curry
without naan breads.
Exactly!
Well, I am very sorry.
We DON'T have any naan bread.
But what we do have is a huge pot
of home-made curry,
which I have made from scratch,
and you very happily invited
yourself in to eat some of!
Aye, but no naans, though!
I know.
Why don't we phone some in?
Oh, that's a brilliant idea. Beth!
CATH BANGS TABLE Beth, Beth,
phone for naan breads to be delivered.
They won't deliver you
just naan bread.
Why?There's a minimum charge
for a home delivery.
Aye, that's right.
I've phoned for a tub of
grated cheese before,
and they more or less
told me to piss off.
Well, why don't we...
..get some starters, then we can get
some naan breads along with them?
That is a great idea.
Aye. Christine?
Aye, I'd take a pakora.
I thought your stomach
was playing up?
Aye, but battered food always
settles me down.
Poppadoms, please.
Oh, poppadoms, yes.
Poppadoms and spicy onions.
How many do you think? Ten?
No, round it up to the dozen.
Right, dozen poppadoms.
Eh, what, three pakora do us?
I'm going to need a pad.
Put me down for a butter chicken.
That's a main course.
Technically.
Are you having a main course,
as well, Christine?
Well, in that case, I will be
having a wee lamb rogan josh.
Oh, and get some rice, Col.
Get proper rice.
I don't like the look of this stuff.
Mm, you're right to be wary, Cath.
Eric?
You fancy something?
Wouldn't mind a chicken tikka.
Oh, I'll have a bit of that.
Ian?
I'm good with what I've got,
thanks, Cath.
Me too.
Right, I'll phone it.
Do you know the Taj, Gordon?
That's the best!
Taj ma hole, Gordon.
OK.
Right, three pakora, dozen
poppadoms, one lamb rogan josh,
butter chicken, chicken tikka,
couple of proper rice,
and plenty of naans!
Hello. Yes, I'd like to make
an order for home delivery.
Oh...
One hour, 45 minutes.
Oh!
What if we collected it?
Right.
Says he's fine with the collection,
but it should be ready
in about half an hour.
But, listen, I've had a drink.
I cannae go and get it.
I'll go.No!
You've been drinking, too.
No, it's all right,
I've got mints in the car.
I'll go for it.
Gordon, you don't need to do that.
Honestly, it's no problem.
Would you, Gordon? Aye?
Oh, bless you, Gordon, honey.
Yeah, I don't mind.
I've not been drinking,
so I can drive.
Oh, you're some man.
Right, that's it. We're on.
OK, so...
You all right?
Oh, yeah, I'm fine.
You sure you're OK going?
Oh, yeah, no problem.
Look... can I just say something?
I'm sorry I didn't help
you fight those guys.
Honestly, don't even worry about it.
No. I'm your partner.
I should have stood up for you.
Oh, don't listen to them.
They're a nightmare.
I'm just glad you didn't get hurt.
And I'm glad we're together.
No matter what they say.
Eh?
Och, nothing.
Was this when I was in the toilet?
What did they say?
What did they say?
Well, they were basically saying...
..I should finish with you.
Who said that?
Who said that? Colin.
Oh, you no' away yet?
♪ Oh, how lovely cooks the meat
Oh, how lovely cooks the meat
♪ When I get back home to eat
Oh, how lovely cooks the meat
♪ I smell it far away and
I thought of it all day
♪ She's cooking the meat for me
What a meal it's going to be
♪ Oh, I've cooked
♪ A lovely meal
♪ To my man it will appeal... ♪