Tofu (2015): Season 1, Episode 4 - Coming Out - full transcript

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My name is Mark Ludford. I'm 18 years old.

I make videos on the internet

for other people's entertainment
because I think I'm well funny.

I am a YouTuber.

I have been making videos since I was 11,

so like seven years

and, for some reason, people watch them.

I have 23,000 subscribers

which is terrifying because,

although I share a
considerable portion of my life

with the internet... Day 3 of vlog week!



Fact of the day, I can't
play guitar that well.

I'm selling a poster with my face on it.

Hey, Jack! You're getting one of
these. Would you like some ketchup?

I am done. Goodbye.

... there is one big portion
that I've kind of left out

and pretty soon I'm going to be
telling 23,000 people that I'm gay,

which is terrifying.

23,000 people

is a lot of people to be coming out to.

They say people come out.

You come out quiet or you come out loud.

I, most probably, done the loud.

I came out to my parents five times.
It was really confusing growing up

because there was so little information.



I grew up before the internet was

as popular as it is, where
you had to go into a library

and, like, get physical
books to look at stuff.

It was near the end of...

Towards high school when
I ended up getting drunk.

It was on the night that
High School Musical 2

came out on Disney Channel.

I told my mum that I was the b-word,

that we won't say out loud,

because it's a stepping stone, usually.

I'm not saying people can't be bisexual.

I think it was pretty easy for me.

I told my mom and it was no big deal.

I mean, I, obviously, started
off saying I was bisexual

because, at that moment, I did
have sex with girls and boys.

I told my mum, first,
when I went back home,

after I'd done an Attitude shoot.

It was my coming-out article.

I came out one day when I was like 28.

I just thought, "Oh, God! I just
don't want to bullshit any more."

I just went into my mum's room

at three in the morning and just cried.

I was just like, "I'm gay!"

I felt this great big weight come off.

I broke down and I was
like, "Look, I'm gay!"

And my mum and my sister just looked
at me and went, "Yeah, we know!"

And she was just like, "We
always thought you were bisexual."

And I just thought, "Bisexual?

"My first, second and third
albums were Kylie Minogue!"

I wanted a little bit of fight.
I wanted a bit of resistance!

I was like, "Are you
sure you're OK with it?

"You don't have to be OK
with it. Just tell me now!"

We're here like five years
later and she's still like,

"So, you're gay, right?"
And I'm like, "Mom,

on this again, really?"

"Are you gay still?" That's
what I get at family parties.

"Are you still gay?" "Yeah, still gay."

I definitely think I have become
more accustomed to saying it.

I'm more used to actually
saying the words, "I'm gay."

Still feels weird,

like, that I'm saying it because
it still feels like a taboo.

It's funny when people do
the whole, "Is she a lesbian?"

It's like they can't say it out loud.

It has to be, like, suffocated,
like in a little container.

"Is she a lesbian?"

When I was, like, 13, I genuinely
preferred calling myself a faggot

than I did... than saying, "I'm gay."

It's a bit more light-hearted
than how weighty the word "Gay" is.

"Oh, yeah, yeah, I'm a
fag. Yeah, it's great."

- "Gay" feels too earnest somehow.
- Yeah, it feels too much.

I grew up in the '80s when
the word "Faggot" meant

AIDS. It meant gay, queer,
but in a really bad sense.

And I know that some people
have taken that word on

and they've tried to own it,

but I still associate it
with that playground hurt.

I made the stupid decision of
telling a few friends at school,

when I was about 12,

and I went to a minor Surrey public school

where I was the only out

queer kid for the next four or five years,

so, yeah, it was tricky,
but I also kind of owned it.

In a way, I was like, "Right, well,"

"you're going to have
to fucking deal with it."

It was hard. It was really hard

because, obviously, I got
massively bullied for that

and also having a lisp and

whatever other reasons
they decided that I was

- going to be one of the...
- Victims.

- Yeah.
- I just went, "Right, well, OK,

if I come out as trans,

"then it means that everything
that I've been told in the press

is absolutely true. I'm going
to lose all of my friends,

all of my family,

no-one's going to ever want to
have anything to do with me again,

so I've got to hide that

and I've got to try and live this life that

isn't really me but is the

one which will cause the least trouble

for everyone else around me."

- Do you watch other people's coming out videos?
- Yeah.

It's pretty much all I did when I was 13.

Like, as soon as I kind of figured it out

for myself, I just went
straight on YouTube and was like,

"I need to make sure that
other people got through it OK."

I can't imagine what people like
us two would actually be like

if we weren't allowed to be open.

I really don't know.

I'd probably be wearing his
hair, you'd be wearing this hair.

- You'd probably be married with kids by now.
- Oh!

It's a different world today and
I know that and I speak to people

and I talk to teenagers who are
going through some of the things

that I went through and,
because of the internet,

which is just the most
amazing tool. It can be awful,

you know? You only need to go and

Google your own name to find
out how awful the world can be.

It is a great tool for being
able to meet people like you,

to know that you're not alone,

something that I didn't have growing up.

Cut there!

Oh, my God! My fucking legs are killing!

You can make your stupid video now!

Oh! Oh, God! Oh, God!

Oh, God!

- Not looking forward to it?
- No.

I think it is very brave.

- Thank you.
- It's your choice.

You can't have someone
else do that for you.

I couldn't be that open
with that many people.

It's quite a big thing.
You're inviting like, you know,

20,000 people into like your private life.

I've never really seen
it as my private life.

I remember talking to my dad about it

and he said it's one of those
things that should be personal.

I was like, "Why should it?"
Fucking hell! I'm shaking.

Hi, there! My name is Mark Ludford.

I'm 18 years old and I
make videos on the internet

and have done for like
seven years or something

and, in that time, I've
made quite a lot of videos

that share different parts
of my life with the internet,

but there is one part that I left out.

I'm just going to say it

which is surprisingly difficult,

but I'm gay!

Jesus!

- God!
- If anyone was to say anything bad

to Mark just for that...

You've always got people to
like, you know, back you up.

Tell me and I'll fucking batter them!

I sort of like realised that I was
gay when I was about 11 or something

and I kind of thought to myself,

"Oh, my God! You're not actually that kid?"

That's what everyone's been
calling me for the last ten years!

I'd always, at school,
had people shouting out,

"Are you gay? Are you gay?"

And, at primary school, I'd had
people calling me poof and stuff,

from the age of six, seven,

so I'd always thought that there
was something different about me.

- We all always knew, from him being this big.
- Except me.

- Well, yeah, except him.
- Because, before I got to high school

and the bullying started, I
never knew gayness existed.

I don't know, but I feel
like I was always gay,

because you look back and go,
"All my friends were female

and I found it really
hard to talk to boys."

I remember being very young

and knowing that there was something

about my He-Man doll.

Like the figure, the action figure.

I was, like, six years old.

I can think of moments
in my childhood where I

declared that I was going to
be a boy today or something

and now I'm looking back on
the rest of my life and going,

- "I should have realised sooner."
- I remember being the same about

wrestlers, WWF wrestlers.

I've got a thing for muscles, Ben!

Obviously, a lot of trans people will say

that they knew from day dot.

They were three-years-old and they
were putting on the other clothes

that they weren't supposed to
be wearing and I wasn't like...

It took me until I was 15 to realise that.

When did you transition?

I transitioned in... I
started transitioning in 2006,

so seven to eight years ago.

So I lived the first 43 years
of my life in the wrong body.

From that through to sort of
like reaching about 26, 27,

and going, "Yeah, not only am
I trans, I'm also a lesbian,

and I'm also a butch lesbian at that,"

so I spent most of my teenage years sort of

wishing that I was just a gay man

because that would have
made it much easier.

How do you feel having done that?

I'm still struggling to breathe.

Was it harder than you thought?

Easier than I thought.

I was kind of surprised that I
didn't somehow break down crying.

You look physically exhausted.

I am physically exhausted.
That took so much out of me.

I wasn't prepared for
that enough, I don't think.

Time to edit, upload and, then,

the internet finds out.

It's not over, even though
I've turned off the cameras.

- It's not over yet.
- No-one's going to care.

When you come out, it's the
biggest thing in the world right now.

It's the biggest thing in your head.
You think it's going to destroy you

and it's going to be the
end of you, but it isn't.

It's the thing which makes you
and it's going to be the thing

which gives you more
perspective on life and

puts you in a better place to deal
with everything else that's in life.

It was the best thing that
ever happened in my life.

I've always said to trans people,

and I do work to encourage
people to go through things.

Anyone. Of being yourself.

It's hard to put into words,

but it was just fucking
bliss, to be quite honest.

- Fucking amazing.
- We need people to stand up and say

that this is the way I am because,

then, everyone else realises that
these people in the world exist

and it makes it easier for

teenagers to come out.

Oh, seeing my face in flashback there.

To other people who are me-aged-13,

kind of dealing with themselves,

I think it'll be important to them.

The only people who go,
"It shouldn't matter,"

tend to be straight people

because they have no
idea how important it is.

If you're going through a similar
thing to what I have in the past,

good luck!

- Thanks for watching.
- I'm very proud, actually!

I couldn't have done it.

You know, I think it's
a very brave thing to do.

- You've been reading all the comments?
- Yeah,

every single one.

I'm kind of surprised at the fact

that the majority is, like,
overwhelmingly positive.

And those who can't deal with
it, well, it's not their lives.

But I think you coming out is
going to give other people...

Think, "God, if he can do it, I can do it."

- That's kind of what I wanted, really.
- I don't want you to live

a double life, I don't
want you to live a life

that you're not happy in because
the one thing I never want you to do

is hurt someone by living a lie.

You should be yourself.

Honesty is always the best policy.

You kind of retain some sense of control

over how you're perceived.

You're going to come across
people calling you Gay,

you're going to get all the
Bumboy, you're going to get,

"Oh, you fancy me," and all
that. I said, "Can you take that?"

He said, "I've already took it on, Mum."

You know, "I've had all that,
Mum. I've had it for years,"

because you got bullied
at school, didn't you?

You know, his mates used to
say, "He's going to be gay."

"He's gay," and all this, and I
said, "You know what? So what?"

If you are honest and
open and talk to people

you'll find that this thing that
has been burying away at you,

boring away at you and making
you feel like you're alone

or making you feel like
you're somehow less than

and less worthy than, when you
start talking to people about it,

people will surprise you.

Do what you love and fuck the rest!

- You don't need to swear in front of me.
- Sorry, Mum. I'm very sorry.

Testing! Testing! One, two, three!

I am hella gay! Great!