Those Who Can't (2016–…): Season 1, Episode 7 - For Whom the Bell's Tolls - full transcript

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Fairbell, it's not a
bachelorette party, man.

- Use your hands dipshit!
- Another round of body

- shots, boys?!
- Oh, my god, Doris.

You are a glutton for
punishment, buddy.

- All right.
- Hop on up.

Get up there. Get up there.

- Get up there.
- Whoa! Watch!

Yeah, yeah, yeah.
You'll be fine, Doris.

Come on. Whoo! Ohhh!

Oh, it's a big one!
That's a big one!



There are so many tributaries.

Oh, you got that.

Whoo! Ho-ho! Whoo!

Bring that pot scrubber
over here, ugly.

You look like a shirt somebody
found at the bottom of

a hamper. Okay. I'm done.

Dude, this is gonna be the
best Cesar Chavez day ever!

Cesar Chavez day is not a
school holiday, you dipshits.

If it was, this place
would be packed.

What? Rod told us we had
the day off tomorrow.

We got to go.

It's got to be past midnight.

- We gotta go to sleep.
- Aww. If you loved me, you

- wouldn't go.
- We got to get up and teach.



- No. We got to go.
- Thank you for everything and

- for all you do here.
- Oh, now, thank me right, sailor.

You got it comin' to ya.

Hey, hey, hey.

Shoemaker! Come on!
Doris, you let him go!

- He's mine!
- She's here in town!

We're all in town, Shoemaker!
Bye, Doris.

- Bye.
- Aah.

Oh, yeah.

Yeah. Definitely after midnight.

You all right, Shoemaker?
Bugger up.

- You're all right. Come on.
- Where's the bus at?

The bus is this way.

Dd Quit wasting my time d

d I ain't here for you d

d I'm just putting in work d

d Till my day is through d

d Awards program d

- Playing in your sandbox?
- Tammy, as long as the sand

remains in harmony, then I
remain in harmony, and...

- Qui-i-i-i-i-i-nn!
- Aaah!

Superintendent Carson! Hello!

Let me take this silly shit off.

Apparently, when you run for
mayor of a hick town, you need

- to dress up like Zorro.
- Well, I'll tell you what...

- You have got my vote.
- I don't need your stupid

vote, Quinn, unless
you're 10,000 hispanics.

I'm... not.

Listen up. Your school
is a pimple on the

peach-perfect ass
of my district.

Well, we are welcome to reform.

I'm not here to reform. I'm
here to pretend I'm reforming.

Your school is like a fly on the

eyelash of a poor, starving
Ugandan child, and I'm

Sally Struthers, and I'm gonna
SWAT it off... for the cameras.

Now I'm confused. Are we a
pimple, or are we a Ugandan fly?

Quinn, can you shut
your stupid ass up?!

Round up your teachers!

Okay. Yeah. Yeah.

God!

- Get thee off.
- Excuse you.

Oh, my god. Ohh.

Gonna hang in there, Shoemaker?

Yeah, I'm fine. Years of
being in a punk band on

- the road...
- Dude, shut up!

Nobody cares about
your stupid band.

I forgot that you turn in to
my father when you're drunk.

Good. You need a father.

And you need a mother to smack
that ass out of your mouth.

Then go find me one,

- bitch nuts.
- Guys, come on! Come on!

Come on! Fairbell, you're
ruining my buzz man!

If Rod can be drunk
at school every day

we can pull it off, all right?

- Oh, whoa. Comin' in hot.
- You a teacher here at Smoot?

You bet your ass I'm a
teacher here at Smoot.

High-five me, dude.
High-five me.

- You got left out.
- Okay.

- Yeah, I got it.
- You're about to see some

teaching here today... Some
real dope-ass teaching

- here today.
- Finger guns.

- You guys should follow suit.
- That guy is the real deal.

Whoo! Keep it on me all day!

- Get out of my face.
- Come over here.

I'll talk to you. What
are you guys up to?

Great. What do you think of
the district 4 leadership?

I think bullshit rolls uphill,
if you were to ask me.

Starts with principal Quinn and
city comptroller Teresa Ortega,

and then it forms a great big
shitty lake at the feet of

Superintendent Carson. I
saw on TV that that guy's

running for mayor and he's
wearing a cowboy hat.

He is all hat and no cattle, and that's
something you can print right there.

Can I get your name, please?

Yeah. Billy Shoemaker. Hearkens
back to a time when men

would take the name of their
occupation because they took

- pride in their work.
- So now you'd be

- "Billy Shitty history teacher"?
- I have already warned you

- about your mouth, man.
- Your breath smells like my dick.

Get out of my face.

- As I was saying...
- Aww.

Aww.

- Abbetha!
- Geez.

Morning! Whoa! Drama teacher!

Welcome back! For somebody
who just returned

from maternity leave, you
look like a stone-cold fox!

Can I let you guys in
on a little secret?

- Yeah.
- I was never pregnant.

- What?!
- How'd you get away with that?

They don't make you
bring the baby in.

I used the time off to
tour with the ren fair.

I was a washing wench,

and it was all good until
the syphilis breakout.

Then it was, like...
eww! Not good.

And then it was good again
with the amoxicillin.

Been there, huh?

- Seat's taken.
- Seat's taken.

So it's like that? I
can't even sit with my

- friends?
- Fairbell, you are party poison.

You need to go
find a quiet space

and cool off for a little bit.

You're just trying
to ostracize me.

- You're not even my real friends.
- You just figured that out, numnuts?

- Are you serious right now?
- Next time I'll hit you.

What you want?

- Ohh! Ohh!
- I just caught a baby! Look!

Fairbell, your crotch
smells like eucalyptus!

- It's medicated ointment.
- Thank you guys for joining me

this morning. I would
like to introduce... No!

No, no, no, no! Enough already!

- Fairbell, enough! Enough!
- He started it.

- I did.
- Now, as I was saying, I would

like to intoduce someone very special...
someone who's going

to be observing all
of the classes today.

So, let's give a nice, big, warm
Smoot welcome to your super

Superintendent, Conrad...
Carson!

Thank you, Quinn.
Hidey, everybody.

I just want to congratulate you
all for being the worst school

in my district 10
years in a row.

Now, some or all or just one of
you may think that siht rolls

uphill... that I'm all hat

- and no cattle.
- Hey, he thinks just like you do.

Doesn't matter what
you think about me.

What matters is what
I think about you.

And you're gonna find out
after the final bell today.

Because I'm gonna fire one of
your underperforming asses.

So you get out there and have

some fun while you still can.
Thank you, buddy.

- Vote Carson!
- What does that even mean?!

- He can't just fire one of us!
- Can he?

Yes. Yes, he can. And he will...
unless we become

the teachers we know we can be
and we prove... him... wrong!

What do you say?! Educators...

Mount up!

- Yeah!
- We're fucked.

He said fire one of us.

He's not gonna target
you pacifically.

Whenever the ax falls, the librarian
is always the first to get it.

Abbey, Abbey, Abbey, Abbey,

Abbey, calm down. No
one's gonna fire you.

These kids love the library.
They love it!

You don't have to be a
dick about it, Loren.

- I'm upset already.
- I'm being sincere.

I know you think I'm a dick,
because I've acted like a

dick in the past. But that
was just my insecurities

talking, baby girl. When I
let go of those, the real

- me comes out.
- Well, that is a surprisingly

vulnerable statement. I
mean, I could have done

without the "baby girl,"
but, still, what happened?

Oh, I'm drunk. Yeah, no.

I came in to school drunk.
Still drunk. Just drunk.

I got to say, I kind of
prefer you like this.

I know. Everybody does. I'm
a one-man party, right?

- Fun times here!
- Oh, that's it... a party.

A party will get kids into my library
so Carson will see my value.

Thank you!

You're so welcome. How
can I not help you,

you know? You're my bae, girl.

- Okay. all right. Get out.
- Okay.

Hey. Billy Shoemaker.

Listen, I think we got off
on the wrong foot up there.

No. The wrong foot
was the right one.

No. No. How can I change
your mind on this.

I can't get fired!

The only way you survive today
is if I see another teacher

worse than you, and, lucky
for you, Principal Quinn

is the Henry Ford of turning
out shitty teachers.

No! Wait, wait, wait!
Okay. Okay. Great.

Well, then, I've got the model
"T" of shitty teachers for you.

Yeah. He's right in here.

Check him out. He's
a train wre...

And when I arrived at the
corpse, I saw that it was Ezra,

My dear brother.

Not a day goes by...

That I don't grieve.

And that, my children, was
the war they called "civil."

What the hell was that?!

I know. I know. Don't worry.
Tomorrow we're gonna get fubar'd

in the rice paddies
of Vietnam, man!

- That... was... amazing!
- That was bullshit.

That's not what he does!
He's normally...

Thank you, Mr. Knorr! And you...
I suggest you start

filling out an
application for Arby's.

- Thank you!
- Oh, mm. Mm.

- What the hell was that, man?!
- I'm staying sober.

You notice the
Superintendent's here?

Ugh. What's wrong
with your face?

What do you mean, what's
wrong with my face?

- Ew. It's all, like, sliding.
- Oh, no. My Bell's palsy.

The stress must be
setting it off.

Don't look at me! I'm hideous!

Ahh! Damn it!

How's it going?!

What's the 411 on the turnout
for the library, bitch?

Sorry. I should not be
calling you "bitch."

We've made 400 copies so far.

- That's awesome!
- Are you responsible for this?!

Uh, responsible?

I'm kind of the
wizard behind it.

"Join Abbey Logan's
KKK party." KKK...

No, no, no, no. No,
no, no, no, no!

That's not what it's
supposed to say!

Look! Look, look, look!

"Join Abbey Logan's
Kit-kits and Kafka Party!"

The other letters didn't print. Why
didn't you make color copies, bitch?

Because there's never
color ink in the printer.

That's why all our gay pride

pamphlets just
made everyone sad.

Oh, my god. Where
did you put these?

Hell, they're everywhere!
It's like Alabama in the '60s

- out there!
- No! Excuse me.

- Get away.
- She told me to... to...

Hello, Andrew!

What brings you to my
land of enchantment?

Drank too much coconut rum, and
now all my dumb friends hate me.

So, you came to me for guidance?

No. I was just walking in the

hall, and I heard this music
and I walked in here.

Look, you are a pathetic
doormat when you're sober, and

you're a horrible monster
when you're drunk.

You need to find a way to
express your feelings, or you

could get fired. I
have just the thing.

I'd like you to meet
a friend of mine.

She's a therapeutic tool. She can
speak your feelings for you.

There you go. Okay?

Okay. First I'd like you to

- clear your mind.
- Done.

Now, it might take you a
while to find her voice.

Hello! My name is Judith.

I'm a capricorn, and I smoke
two packs of menthols a day.

Hello, Judith. My
name is Summer.

Mm. Back from another
fake pregnancy, I see.

Makes sense. Can't get
pregnant by takin' it

- in the dumper!
- Fairbell!

Judith!

Give her back!

Run!

- Aaah!
- Aaaaaaaaaah!

- So good, you guys.
- Muchas gracias, Mr. Payton!

Superintendent
Carson, everybody!

This is exactly the
camera-friendly teaching I would

like to feature in my campaign.

Well, fire up your film crew, Scorsese.
I'll show you a real raging bull.

Or should I say, "Toro furioso"?

Huh, guys?

Okay, here it goes. Uno! Dos!

- Uno, dos, tres, catorce!
- That's great!

But save it. I'll be
back to film you during

the last period. Oh, yeah.
No, last period.

- Yeah, sure, man.
- Ooh-ahh!

I just figured out how to get
those damn hispanic votes.

What a character.

I will give an unlimited hall
pass to anyone who can tell me

where that accent's from,
'cause I have no idea.

Just one second, guys.

- What, Shoemaker?!
- Loren!

- Hey.
- Oh, my god, dude.

Class, you remember Mr.
Shoemaker from...

- The Swamp.
- Hey, I need him real quick.

- All right.
- I apologize.

- You don't just jerk people out like...
- I apologize.

What the hell happened to you.

My Bell's palsy gets
set off by my anxiety.

It's gross, dude.

- You need to fix that.
- Never mind that.

That Carson guy has
it out for me.

You're not the only one
with Carson problems.

He wants me to do a show later,
and I'm sobering up fast.

And if you can't perform,
you could get fired.

Yeah. No shit Sherlock.
That's why I need booze now.

I got to keep up my karaoke
confidence all day long...

- Just ride the high, you know?
- I know where there's booze.

- You do?
- Yeah. Follow me.

- Come on, Loren! It's this way!
- Why are you taking me to

- Rod's Jack Shack?
- I know where he keeps his liquor.

It's over here.

- Ugh!
- Ohh!

It smells like somebody's
been tanning leather in here.

Yeah. It's all the
way in the back.

- Back here?
- Yeah. You got it.

I don't see any booze back here.

- Hey, are you about a size 14?
- Size 14?

What are you talking about?
Hey, what are you doing,

Shoemaker?!

Hey, what are you doing, man?!
Shoemaker, I'm not playing

around. Let me out of here.

Hello! Anybody! Let
me out of here!

Hello!

Ah, hello yourself.

Oh Jesus Christ! Fairbell,
what are you doing?

Her name's Judith.

She's been helping me out
with my unconscious.

That's fantastic.

Put the doll down and go
unlock the door right now.

Carson's waiting for me.

Actually,

Fairbell only helps
out his friends.

Fairbell, we're friends. Now
be a friend and unlock the

door, okay, boy? Go.

Fairbell only helps
out his best friends.

Fairbell, I swear to god, if you
don't help me out right now,

I'm gonna shove that dummy so
far up your ass, I'm gonna be

able to see it through
your stupid mouth.

Whoo-hoo-hoo-hoo! Tough
talk from a guy in a cage!

- Don't talk to me like that.
- Oh-ho-ho!

Ever learn how to pick a lock
with your tiny dick bitch.

- Fairbell!
- Let's go get a snack, Fairbell

Jud... Fairbell! Fairbell!

Judith! Sorry! Judith! Come back.
Hey, Judith.

I'll do anything. Just
get me out of here

right now. What do you want?

Hmm. How 'bout for starters,
we go to the Aurora Mall, get

some hot pretzels with cheese
and mustard, maybe get some

airbrushed t-shirts with
each other's faces on 'em?

100%. Let's do it. Now go
unlock the door right now.

Let's go to the Aurora Mall.

Actually, I'm not finished yet.

What else you got?

- What number am I on?
- 38.

Okay. Demand number 38...
When you go

out at night, no more
making up fake bars.

You have to tell me where
you're actually going.

Yes. Fine. No more
fake bars, I promise.

Now, will you please
open the door?

I'm already late for
my performance, man.

You're literally
costing me my job.

Okay.

Carson, wait! I'm here.

- I'm here!
- You made me wait, so now it's

- your ass!
- No, no, no, no, no!

It wasn't my fault! Shoemaker
locked me in a shed!

- He locked you up?
- Yes!

I would like you to step
forward and touch my face.

Use your forefinger to trace
the contours of my sadness.

Yep, right in the tear duct.
Really work it good.

Ahh. Ohh! Oh, no!

Mercy, please! Oh, I beg of you!

How did you get out?!

I let him out for 38 promises.

Oh, a dummy with a dummy.

You look like such an asshole
with that thing on your hand.

Maybe you can borrow an asshole
after I tear you a new one.

Why don't you take that off you hand
before I stick it up your ass?!

I'm gonna beat some shape
back in to your face.

Oh, you're just a puppet.

You want some of that?
Okay, stop. God.

Okay, kids. If I don't
get your help, I

might not be here tomorrow.
Now, who amongst you is willing

to help out Senor Payton
in this, his hour of need?

- There she is.
- Oh, god!

Judith, stop...
it's not worth it!

It's your arm, Fairbell!
Oh, god!

You wanted a show, Carson?

Here's your show.
Hit it, Guerreros!

Uno, dos, tres!

That is so racist.

You see, Carson, I'm
hardly the worst one here.

No, you're right, Shoemaker. At
this point, it's anybody's game.

- Hello, Abbey.
- I am not a member of the

- Ku Klux Klan!
- And a new contestant just

- threw her hat into the ring!
- Oh, geez.

Okay, guys. It's over.

Meet me at the teachers' lounge,
where we're gonna crown the winner

and by "winner," I mean "loser."

Ohh. Please don't. Oh, no.

You guys blew it!
Thanks for nothing!

I'm serious. Give
the puppet back.

Why don't you go find me

- a baguette, Mime?
- Now!

No.

Off.

Usually when I come
to a school and

threaten to fire somebody,
I find people rise to top

not race to the bottom
like you shithills.

Truth be told, I don't know
where the hell to begin, so I

don't think I'm gonna
fire anybody today.

Oh, my... oh, my god!

But... he is.

What? No. No. I
can't fire someone.

- No, not me.
- Let me make this simple,

Quinn... either you fire
somebody or you're fired.

Geoffrey. You can't fire me.

- We're best friends.
- I love black people!

Um... come back to me.

- I'm thinking of one.
- I have a baby at home.

- I am a human being!
- Oh, god.

Uh... this is the
hardest decision

that I've ever had to make,
but it has been made.

So, the person who is
going to get fired is...

Ohh. You guys are still here.

Mm.

Oh, Rod.

D Oh, wish I was in
the land of cotton d

d Old times there
are not forgotten d

d Look away, look
away, look away d

d Look away d

- You look away!
- Rod...

- You're fired.
- What?

I-I said you're fired.
I-I'm sorry, but it...

- You're fired from Smoot.
- Give me one good reason.

- Well, you're drunk.
- It's after school.

Yeah, well, you also just
sang a pretty racist song.

- Historical significance.
- You masturbate in a

maintenance shed that's on
school property, and you do it

so much that everyone calls
it "Rod's Jack Shack."

- I mean, come on.
- I will not apologize for the

amount of love I have
to give this world.

For old times' sake, can I
have 10 minutes in the shack?

- Definitely no.
- Four minutes.

I can cut it down to four
minutes if it's a time issue.

No. It's not
time-related in any way.

I guess this is goodbye.

Yeah. I-I'm sorry, Rod.

- Is the feather the right way?
- It should go...

You should turn it yeah.

Didn't think you had it in you.

Until next time, Smoot!

Vote Carson!

Tammy!

You know, it's a Goddamn shame
how they treat veterans in

- this country.
- Oh, it sure is, honey.

But I did put in for my
substitute's license, so...

- Hey, there you go.
- Yeah, I'm sure they're gonna

- let you right back in, Rod.
- Doris, shot for the substitute.

You got it.

- Hurry it up, you Gargoyle
- No!

- Hey, come on.
- You don't talk to her like

that, all right?
This is my old lady.

- Doris is your girlfriend?
- No, it's my mom.

He's my son.

Your mom is your girlfriend?

We got to start hanging
out at a different bar.

No, no.

Have you done the body shots.

Mom, body shots!

Oh, you got it baby.

- Yeah, get up there dollface.
- Come on guys!

ENJOY!!!! Do not
miss this tomorrow!