The Wild Wild West (1965–1969): Season 3, Episode 6 - The Night of the Samurai - full transcript

A valuable samurai sword being returned to a Japanese prince by the United States' government is stolen and must be found by Jim and Artemus before the prince leaves the next day.

( upbeat theme playing)



San Francisco gets
worse every day.

We're late.

Did it ever occur to you
that that was the big idea?



( western theme playing)

( oriental theme playing)

( tense action theme playing)

( eerie oriental theme playing)

( upbeat western theme playing)

(speaking Japanese)

Prince Shinosuke
regrettably is put

to the unpleasant
duty of reminding you,

as state department

over 30 years ago, your
Admiral Perry borrowed,

without consent,

the sword of celestial
worth from our people.

Now, after bitter
years of delay,

you place it within our grasp,

and then, sadly,

permit it to be stolen again.

Please do inform
his royal highness...

(speaking Japanese)

Prince Shinosuke
reminds this wifeless one

that his vessel sails
with tomorrow's tide.

And if his august majesty

should return to Japanese soil

with the bitter taste
of failure in his mouth,

and without the venerated
Sword of Kunioshi

to lay at the feet
of the emperor...

(both sighing)

Each honor-bound
to commit seppuku.


(door slams)

West, Gordon, listen to me.

That'll be all, Reiko.

(door clunks)

Ne ti noakari.

I don't suppose that means
anything to you, does it?

Bidding of the polite farewell.

Yes. Yes, that's roughly
the meaning of the phrase.

It also happens to be
the name of a fanatical,

highly-placed palace group,

one of the number
which is forever jockeying

for power in Japan.

The kind of, uh, polite farewell

they have in mind

is the complete elimination
of every shred of influence

America has managed
to acquire in Japan.

Then I take it the
return of the sword

is more than an act of
reparation on our part.

Most certainly.

It was also designed
to strengthen the hand

of a good, progressive
emperor who wishes us well.

Gentlemen, the prince's
ship sails with tomorrow's tide.

I most earnestly hope
that you have seen to it

that he also has the
Sword of Kunioshi by then.

(door clunks)

Could Reiko help, perhaps?

Oh, Reiko didn't leave

when she was dismissed
by Mr. Finsbury, did she?

Reiko most earnestly
desire to be of assistance.

Please forgive.

All right, if you'd
like to be helpful,

just give us the
name of the character

who stole the sword.

I do not know, Mr. Gordon.

He must... Must have
been a ta tsu gen.

Ta tsu gen?

Master of the samurai sword?

It is my belief he
must have been.

Of course.

There can't be too many men

that could master
the Hokkaido grip.

(door bangs)

Please, Mr. Gordon,
could Reiko help?

Reiko, my charming
little lotus blossom

adrift on moon-drenched waters,

I have a feeling
you already have.

It's set.

( upbeat theme playing)


(Portuguese accent) Oh, señor.

Señor, I am desolate.

Please, do me the
honor to forgive me

for my clumsiness
that I bump into you.

Of course. And, uh...

The devil himself has entered
into a pact with my cigar

to keep it unlighted.

Do you...? Aha!


Where are you on
your way to, Artie?

(normal voice) Up and down
the lengths of the Barbary Coast.

See if I can attract
some lightning.

(Portuguese accent) Señor,
I am forever in your debt.

My pleasure.

No, no.

By all the scars of
Satan, no, no, no!

Now, look!

There are 16 cuts
permissible to the true samurai.

And in some
extraordinary fashion,

you are managing to
dishonor every one of them.

Your sword isn't your enemy.

It's your loved one.

You caress it.

Like so!


It's good to see you, Jim.

But you haven't been practicing.

Your balance is
off by a good inch.

I know, and I'm
properly ashamed.

How's the vintage?

Well, they're not bad at all.

Of course, there
isn't one of them

you couldn't take blindfolded.


I have the feeling
you're not here

for a refresher course, Jim.

You're right.

You know this grip?

The Hokkaido grip.

Somebody tried to use
the seventh cut on me.

Would you know of
anyone that uses it?

Oh, I do indeed.

For the past year,

I've been teaching
it to all my students.

Should I take over now, master?

Oh, yes, Haki.

Have them work up a
sweat with parries and lunges.

Who's the instructor?

Oh, Haki Sergevitch.
A Eurasian, I believe.

He arrived in town
only a week ago.

He's a marvelous teacher.

I should have
introduced you to him.

Like to meet him.


( ominous theme playing)

( western theme playing)

( tense theme playing)

(Haki grunts)

(body clunks)

Your dagger?

"Was" would be more accurate.

I wouldn't dream
of taking it back

from the gentleman.

That must be embarrassing,

having a dead body
on your doorstep.

Dead body?

(water splashes)

What dead body?



I must say, you keep a
very tidy charnel house.


I suddenly realize that
you are repelled by death.

Almost as much as
you're fascinated by it.

Indeed I am.

By its glory and majesty, sir.

By its healing power
that eventually cures

the most stubborn of ailments.

By its unhurried wisdom that
solves all problems in time.

Why, with its help, I
shall even accomplish

the greatest miracle of all...

Reduce this mountain of flesh.


( mysterious theme playing)

Won't you honor my humble parlor

with your presence, Mr. West?

Flattered you know my name.

And why should I not?

In many quarters,

you are not without a
certain measure of fame.

I, on the other hand, am... Oh!

Merely Hannibal
Egloft, general manager

of the Aryan Pacific
Trading Company.

(birds chirping)

Rather a tacky pair of
beasties, aren't they?

Well, certainly not
up to the standard

of your, um, other treasures.

(Egloft chuckles)

But the little darlings
serve a most useful purpose.

They've been designed
to launch into their dreary

chirping and warbling

only at the
approach of visitors.

I find their warning most...

For some reason,

I get the impression that
you were expecting me.


Mr. West, there are
some men in the world

who are like
crossroads, like me.

Everyone comes
to fat old Hannibal

sooner or later.

And what is it that fat
old Hannibal wants?

To serve, Mr. West.

Simply that.

There is a certain
article of great value

you're looking for.

I can put you in touch with it.

For a fee, I suppose.

A pittance. $25,000.

And after I deliver this,

uh, pittance to you?

Then I fulfill my
share of the bargain

by putting you in touch with...

the Dutchman.

So it's the Dutchman

that I'll have to
do business with.

Who else would
dare to pit himself

against the formidable might of
the United States Government,

and the even more
formidable might

of the Barbary Coast underworld?

How much will the Dutchman want?

I wouldn't dream of
presuming to speak for him

on matters of money.

But we may confidently assume

that his price will be...


When and where?

Festina lente, as the
Latins say, Mr. West.

"Make haste slowly."

Thank you.

As you may know, the Dutchman
is one of the faceless ones.

One does not meet him as
one meets the Queen of England

or the Emperor of China.

A trusted middleman
negotiates a brief interview,

and one is rather circuitously
conveyed into his presence.

Say, at 2:00 this morning
at the old ship chandlery

on Sausalito Beach?

I'll be there.

A small reminder, my friend:

before the meeting
with the Dutchman,

I will expect a messenger
from you with my fee.

How does the Dutchman
know I won't set a trap?


Mr. West, you are undoubtedly
brave and resourceful,

but you do not strike me

as a man who has
lost all desire to live.


(singing indistinctly)

(Gordon yells indistinctly)

Nina Candida!

(speaking in Portuguese)

I'm not Nina Candida,
whoever she is.

Ah, the years have blessed you.

Nina, you're more
beautiful than ever.

Sanctify me with a kiss.

Listen, you.

My name is Madame Moustache.

Now, either drink
up or ship out.


Please do give me
a bottle of your best

and two glasses.

One glass.

I don't drink with customers.

Oh, Nina, I am
desolated by that,

but the other glass
is for my friend here.


Your friend doesn't talk much.

My friend is a doer.

He's not a talker.

Nina, should I
tell you something

about my friend here?

My friend here is
gonna make me rich.

I tell you, I have...

You. Do you know what
I have in here? Huh?

Would you want me to tell you?

Don't bother.

You've been up and
down the stem half the night

trying to peddle
that pick's digger.

You mean you know about
the Sword of Kunioshi?

I think he wants you to
hand over your package

before his knife
accidentally slips.

( fast action theme playing)

(women screaming)

Anyone else?

Your friend won't be
needing his drink anymore.

True, Nina Candida.

(speaks in Portuguese)

Let us share it then

as we have shared

so many golden memories.

There is a real Sword
of Kunioshi, of course?

Of course.

And I am told that if
one had such an article

and was looking for a buyer,

there would be no
better place to find one

than in this restful, blessed,

glorious place of yours.

The gentleman would
like to go, um, sightseeing.

Thank you very much, Nina.

Till that magnificent moment

when once again I will
be gazing into the eyes...

of Nina Candida.

Oh! Mmm!


( tense theme playing)


What are you doing
following this worthless one?

Come on.

Why are you crying?

Because you and Mr. Gordon
have been so good to me.

And now because
some of my countrymen

have taken the divine
Blade of Kunioshi

away from you,

you're forced into
the dangerous task

of trying to recover it.

You mean you've
been following me

to see that nothing
happens to me?

I'm touched, Reiko.

Please take this, Mr. West.

It is a small blade,

but in Japan we call
it tamaduci nusepu.

"Kiss of a friend."

Now, Reiko, if you
really wanna help me,

you won't follow me anymore.

Oh, please do let Reiko stay.

Absolutely not.

You've got to go.


Reiko, it looks like
you're to stay after all.

( suspenseful theme playing)

I told the fat one that you
were to come here alone.

Didn't he tell you?

As a matter of fact,

the fat one did say something
about coming alone, but my...

My friend here
dropped in unexpectedly.

But she's ready to leave now.


Now that she's
here, she will stay.

She serves my
purposes very well.

Well, not that it
makes any difference,

but just exactly what is
it that you have in mind?

My price is, for the
return of the sword,

$1 million in negotiable
United States securities.

The fat man said that your price

would be substantial.

DUTCHMAN: Naturally,
you will want to be assured

that the sword is genuine.

That is where your
friend comes in.

I am told that a blade
that is keen enough

and is wielded by a sure hand

can perform a
decapitation so deft

that the victim herself
is not immediately aware

of what has happened.

Like so.

( action theme playing)


Don't waste your
time talking to a chair.

I'm in here.

Hey, wait a minute.

Up one alley, down another.

In, out, over buildings.

(speaks in Portuguese)

What are you trying to
do, make a fool out of me?

We... We are here.

Here? Where's here?

You're in the
middle of an alley,

a filthy alley, that's all!

Now, listen, you little...

(arrow rushes) (grunts)


I prefer not to have
any witness around

for our little transaction.

I thought we already had one.

We're gonna have another?

I think, perhaps, yes.

I'm assured by someone
whose judgment I trust

that you very likely have
a certain sword I want.

I, in turn, have
money to pay for it.

Will you double the
privacy of my rickshaw?

Please, of what
extraction are you,

if one may ask?

Why, I am Portuguese, of course.

Ah, so. Like ours, a
great seafaring nation.

Oh, the greatest,

if you will forgive
me for saying so.

Throughout history,

we have been experts on the sea,

beautiful women...

and the value of a dollar.

Ah, you see.

So now we are negotiating.

I have been told that you
have in your possession

the Sword of Kunioshi.

I'm listening.

You will bring it to
me at this same spot,

7:00 tomorrow morning?

I'm still listening.

At that time, I will pay
you 25,000 gold dollars.


I-I-I'm sorry,

I-I couldn't hear you...

Even though I was
listening, you understand.

Because the sword,

which I do not
even admit to have,

is certainly worth a
great deal more than that.

Very true.

But you see, I only
want to borrow the sword

for the space of 15 minutes.

Only 15 minutes?

After that it will be
yours to sell again

for whatever the
market will bring.

It is to be used

in an ancient samurai
purification ritual,

which would hold
no meaning for you.

Is it agreed?

A word of caution.

Bring me the true
sword, and I will pay you.

Bring me an imitation,

and I will use it to
cut off your head.

( ominous theme playing)

Dutchman, are you still here?

Here, and waiting
for your return.

You are a violent man, Mr. West.

I am afraid I'm going to
have to return your violence.

An eye for an eye,
as the book says.


Not your eye, of course.

I still have to do
business with you.

But the girl's.

Ah, that prospect offends

your delicate
sensibilities, doesn't it?

Well, if that's the way
if has to be, all right.

But, uh, one last favor
before you harm the girl.

What favor do you want?

May I have one last kiss?

How charmingly sentimental.

Let Mr. West have the last kiss

he or anyone else will
ever want from the girl.

The kiss of a friend.


My stomach is
sufficiently turned.

Don't move, Dutchman.

Move back.

Do as Mr. West says.

I believe this is what is called

a Mexican standoff, is it not?

Is it?

I've got this gun
pointing at you.

DUTCHMAN: True, but my
men now have their guns on you,

and on the charming girl.

You're right. It's a
Mexican standoff.

I have given you your own way

in this matter, Mr. West.

Now listen to me.

$1 million in
gilt-edged securities.

You will bring them to
me at the Portuguese wharf

in two hours exactly.

And you had better come alone.

( ominous theme playing)

( upbeat theme playing)


So much for the $1 million.

And so much for the trail.

Artie, it wouldn't
hurt your feelings

if I asked you to run a
test on that, would it?

Oh, not at all.
It's a good idea.

( mysterious theme playing)

WEST: Check.

One triple play coming up.

I pass the securities
onto the Dutchman.

Who happily turns
over the sword to us.

Then you take it to Saigo

and find out why he wants
that sword for 15 minutes.

Good idea.

You know something?

That ought to be
standard equipment

in every railroad
car in America.


West, did you bring what
the Dutchman told you?


You have what I want?

Hand over the bag.

You hand over the sword first.

DUTCHMAN: Thank you, Mr. West,

for your most
splendid cooperation.

I hope my men will try

to make you feel
welcome in return.

Bring me the suitcase.

( tense action theme playing)



( mysterious theme playing)

It's in there.

Let's check this first, Artie.



How do you like that? Phony!

Artie, so were our bonds.


You can't trust
anybody these days.

I think I know
where this leads to.

Lead on.

( tense theme playing)

(bell rings)

(birds chirping)

Gentlemen, you have
wounded me to the heart.

Make a note of that, Artie.

From one in my profession, yes,

I would not be shocked

to have worthless
securities foisted on me.

But from the official

of the United States
government, really...

You made a terrible Dutchman.

No, you're joking.

I thought I carried
the masquerade off

rather splendidly.

You see, you never
remembered to send me my fee,

and my funds were running low.

What do you think
the Dutchman will do

when he finds out
you've been using

his fine old name to try
to feather your own nest?

Gentlemen, I implore you.

You see before you
the last of the Eglofts.

Breathe one word of this
unfortunate transaction

and the house
of Egloft dies out.

All right, we'll keep
our mouths shut

if you'll hand over that sword.

But I haven't got it.

That's your problem.

A mutual problem
if you still wish

to regain the Sword of Kunioshi.

Does the Dutchman
have the sword?

Dear sirs, I haven't
the remotest idea.

Who is he?

Gentlemen, if I told you that...

WEST: If you don't,

your masquerade
will be common gossip

all over the San Francisco docks

within the hour.

Oh, y... You wouldn't.

Yes, I...

I can see you would.

I fear that you have me.

Gentlemen, the
key to the Dutchman.

You think I panic so
easily, gentlemen?

Now that you two
are about to have

an unfortunate fatal accident,

Dutchman need never know
about my little prank, need he?

Make a note of that, Jim.

(chirping) Ah.

Another unexpected visitor.

Excuse me while I
get rid of whoever it is.


It's a bomb, Artie. Obviously.

We better get rid of
it before it goes off.

Artie, if we can't get rid of
the bomb, let's just leave.

I love the idea.

Don't mean to sound peevish,

you got any more bright ideas?

As it happens, I do, Artie.

Follow me.



( tense theme playing)

No, nothing.

You trying to tell
me that's the one?

Prince, your sword.

Yes, your highness.

It is the authentic sword.

But to be absolutely certain,

one should test it in a fight.

You're the Dutchman, Gideon.

Since that doesn't
seem to surprise you,

why does it trouble you?

It troubles me, Gideon,
because you were my friend.

GIDEON: Friend?

That is your word, not mine.

A word which
epitomizes this flabby,

self-indulgent country of ours.

America is dead, old friend.

Morally dead.

Only the feudal warlords
of Asia still understand

that even oceans of
blood are to be preferred

to a national existence

without rectitude
and discipline.

For this country, there
is no hope any longer.

But if by the right use of power

I can force a return to
the old ways in Japan...

You can't force
a return, Gideon.

You're an outsider.

Not openly,

but in the coming rebellion,
by backing the winner.

I'll take the sword now.


You know I'm not gonna
let you take this sword.

You really believe that
you're ready to take me on?

I don't know if I can take
you on or not, Gideon.

But I had a good
teacher. Probably the best.

What about your students?

I can promise you,

they will not add their
weight of numbers

until I have finished with you.

Nothing could
be fairer than that.

( tense action theme playing)


So you win after all.

So be it!

But I still say your
balance is off by a...


So the final truth.

And the final masquerader.

The demure, concerned
daughter of Japan.

Reiko, it was a pose
all along, wasn't it?

Some of it was.

Some of it was not.

My love for Falconer,

our dreams of the power

we were going to exercise...

Those were real.

You killed Hannibal?

Of course.

He was just a fat, bloated slug.

Why should I have
given second thought?

Those tears I saw
in your eyes once...

Were they real?

As to that, you'll never know.

(speaking in Japanese)

His august majesty desires me

to acquaint you with reasons

why this unworthy servant

attempted to lay
contemptible fingers

upon the divine
Blade of Kunioshi.

(speaking in Japanese)

Reasons being briefly...


Kimberly Diamond Mines.

It's gotta be a
half million dollars.

SAIGO: Respectful correction.

Closer to three-quarters million

in American money.

(speaking in Japanese)

I return to Japan to receive

richly merited punishment
for what I have done.

His august majesty
desires you to believe

that his existence
has been enriched

by your acquaintance.

( gentle, triumphant
theme playing)



Remarkable people,
those Japanese.

Oh, yes.

Hey, you know, their
manners are so beautiful, th...

(knocking on door)

Deign to enter this
most unworthy abode,

whoever you are.

Uh, how may me exalt ourselves

so that, uh, we may serve you?

Do you two feel all right?

I'm looking for a
State Department guy.

They told me he
needed an interpreter.


( upbeat western theme playing)