The Wild Wild West (1965–1969): Season 2, Episode 3 - The Night of the Raven - full transcript

Agents West and Gordon are engaged to rescue an Indian Chief's abducted daughter before the Indians retaliate. The agents learn that the miniature Dr. Miguelito Loveless, responsible for the kidnapping, has a plan to rule a land of little people, with the help of a powder he invented to reduce the size of people. During the rescue mission, Loveless shrinks Jim and the Indian Princess to a height of six inches, leaving them to defend themselves from the mad doctor's now gigantic cat.

My government gives its
word it will find your daughter,

and return her to you unharmed.

The eyes of two white men

cannot see where many
braves find nothing but the wind.

Unless the two white men
know where to point their eyes.

"We have kidnapped
the Princess Wanakee.

"If you wanna save the
princess and the peace treaty,

"send James West and
Artemus Gordon to Gravetown.

Anyone else, and
we will kill her."

I will go.

And they will kill her.

I will kill all white men.

Is Chawtaw's
heart so full of hate

he has forgotten his love for
the woman promised to him?

It is my love for Wanakee

that tells my heart to kill
all those who harm her.

Then we'll get Wanakee back.

West gives his
word to War Eagle.

The word of many
is as dust in the wind,

but the word of West

is not the word of many.

I hold your word,

and when the sun
sleeps for a third time,

your word will be as dust,

and the blood of the white men,

from the mountains
to the horizon,

will spill upon the
Earth until it is as red

as the setting sun.

You fail, I will kill you...

very slowly.

I can see why the Indians
wouldn't wanna come here.

They believe it's
haunted by evil spirits.

They may be right.

Well, the ghosts
of Christmas past.

We're expected.

Forget it, Jim.
Ghosts can't talk.

Oh, it's a small
world, Mr. West.

What were you
saying about ghosts?


It has been a long
time, Mr. West.

I'm sorry about not
signing that telegram,

but you know how
I love a mystery.

I didn't wanna spoil the
surprise, knowing that you

thought me dead
after our last meeting.

I merely reversed an old
law of physics to suit myself:

What goes down must come up.

Nothing you do surprises
me, Dr. Loveless.

Well, then I shall
have to extend myself

to prove you wrong.

Life would be pretty dull

without a few surprises
now and then, wouldn't it?

How do you like it?

Inspiring, isn't it?

Uh, just tilt the
hat back a little bit.

Uh, off the forehead.

Not, uh... Not too far back.

You don't want the sun
to get into your eyes.

Like that?

Perfect. Beautiful.


Yes, I think you're
right. Hee-hee!

Bang, bang.

You're both dead. Hee-hee!

Now I see what you big
boys like about these things.

I love playing cowboy.

At least you've been
keeping yourself busy.

Oh, whatever inequities
possess my soul,

idleness is not one of them.

Oh, gentlemen, come in.

You must be exhausted.

Uh, come in, gentlemen, come in.

Sit down, Mr. West, Mr. Gordon.

Not in the chairs.

On the floor.

You mean at your feet.


But that's no discredit
to your pride, Mr. West.

Soon the whole
world will be forced

to look up to
Dr. Miguelito Loveless.

You've said that
before many times.

And I say it again. Now,
Mr. Gordon, on the floor.

Very good, gentlemen. Beautiful.

Always in tiptop condition, huh?

But I'm afraid your
marvelous display of skill

was unnecessary
and a bit impulsive.

And impulse can bring about

the most terrifying

The death of Princess
Wanakee, for one.

And then what happens to
your precious peace treaty?


I don't believe War Eagle

would appreciate
your killing me,

under the circumstances.

He's right, Jim.

How nice to talk
to you eye to eye.

I wanna see the princess.

Oh, you shall. You shall.

She's a pretty little thing.

Stubborn, like you.

But I didn't want you here

to powwow about
some Indian princess

or to talk about
the peace treaty,

or to smoke a peace pipe.

No, I wanted you here

to destroy you.

Then there's no point in keeping
the princess here any longer.

But you've just arrived.

Now, I can't allow
some little Indian maiden

to go running to her big daddy

and tell him where you are.

I've big plans for you,
Mr. West. Big plans.

You're going to
love my latest game.

You'd better start
that game soon.

War Eagle gave me three
days to bring the princess back,

and if I don't,

the entire Blackfoot nation
is going to come here,

level this place to the ground,

and bury you six feet under.

Good try, Mr. West,

but what makes you think

one Indian would
set foot in Gravetown?

There are evil spirits here.

No Indian would risk
losing his one-way ticket

to the happy hunting ground.

No. Though I may shed

one little-bitty tear for you,

this is the end of the rainbow

for the illustrious James West

and Artemus Gordon.

No, there'll be no pot
of gold waiting for you,

only a bucket of blood.

Perhaps yours, and yours.

I think he's finally
made it, James.

He's out of his mind.

Ha-ha-ha-ha! So was Aristotle.

Huh? Columbus?
Da Vinci? Galileo?

No, gentlemen,

I have at last found
the means to the end,

a means so powerful
that I will cover the world

like a giant wave

and wash away the
sins of man forever.

I shall make a world of my own,

where I can walk
among the eagles,

fly among the stars.

A world of light,
sound, and motion:

my world.

The accommodations
are a bit bourgeois, I know,

but it'll just have to do
until I'm ready for you.

I haven't finished
the preparations

for my experiment.

Mr. West.

Oh, I can hardly
wait. Hee-hee-hee!

Force yourself.

You'll never get
away with it, you know.

Washington knows we're here.
They'll only send other men.

Oh, don't count on it.

They'll be too busy
fighting Indians.

Oh, um, by the way,
the Princess Wanakee

is a guest at my home
at the edge of town.

Thought you'd like to know.

Now, why do you
suppose he told us?

It's part of his game
of cat-and-mouse.

As long as he has the
princess, he has us.

In that case, let's
change our quarters.

This room's beginning
to depress me.

Artie, you'd better
forget the lock pick.

We'll have to burn through that.


I wonder what Loveless has
waiting for us at the house.

I don't know, but it
will be interesting.

Next time, knock.

Yoo-hoo. Princess.

Oh, there you are.

I was afraid you'd gone
for a walk or something.

How far could I walk with this?

Oh, how forgetful of me.

How long must I
be your prisoner?

Prisoner? No, that's
too harsh a word.

No, you are my guest.

As a matter of fact,
I have come here

to tell you that
you have visitors.

Then my father has come for me?

No, not exactly.
Well, then Chawtaw?

No, that nasty young
man? No, of course not.

No, your knight in shining armor

has come to carry you away
from your not-so-ivory tower.

James West is here.

James West? I do
not think I know him.

Oh, you will.

Now go make yourself
beautiful, princess.

Must be impressive for Mr. West.

Oh, how the mighty
have fallen, huh?

Don't judge a
house by its shutters.

How about windows?

Said the spider to the fly.

So it's a trap.

Do you have any
other suggestions?

Yeah, you might
ring the front bell.

How nice of you to
stop by, Mr. West.

Well, here we are, all snug,

like three men in a tub.


Uh, princess, let
me introduce you.

This is James West,

Artemus Gordon,
of the Secret Service.

They've come all the
way from Washington

and the great white father
to save you and your people.

I think they should
save themselves first.

Your confidence in
us is overwhelming.

I only see what I see, Mr. West.

Oh, you two will get along fine,

but I must leave you now.

Remember: three days.

Two and a half.

Oh, yes. War Eagle
and that band of rowdies.

They don't concern me, Mr. West.

Well, cheery bye, all, for now.


Ah, just like home.

You saw my father and Chawtaw?


Why have they not come for me?

They didn't know where
you were until I told them.

They searched
for you everywhere.

Dr. Loveless knew they
wouldn't come to Gravetown.

Why? Because
of the evil spirits?

Are you not afraid
of evil spirits?

There is no evil spirit
here except the doctor.

Perhaps you and
your friend Mr. Gordon.

You keep that up,
you're never gonna

make president of our fan club.

You say that my father
knew that I was here?

Wh-why did he send
you and not Chawtaw?

Chawtaw would not
be afraid of evil spirits.

Your father had no choice.

He knew if anyone
else showed up,

they would have killed you.

Oh. Then... Then
it's you that he's after.

That's right. But he has
no intention of letting you go.

You see, he didn't want that
peace treaty signed either.

Doesn't he know that my
people will choose war?

He's counting on it.

He wants to destroy the world,
and he has to start somewhere.

I cannot understand
how a man could sacrifice

so many people for
revenge against one.

You would if you knew
Loveless as well as we do.

I am not interested in
getting to know the doctor

or in getting to
know either of you.

I want to get back to
my people, and that's all.

I'll do everything I can

to see that you get
back to your people.

I'm afraid that will
not be good enough.

Maybe I should have
brought Chawtaw with me.

He wanted to come.

He should have come.

He would have not found
himself as helpless as a...

As a chicken.

He would have
saved me, Mr. West.

Not you.

That damsel in
distress is no damsel.

She's quite a girl.

Oh, Antoinette, I really
surpassed myself this time.

Gone beyond the
realms of imagination.

Not even the great da Vinci
with his machines that fly

could have dreamed of
such a destructive weapon,

and so tiny it fits
in this little box.

As pure as the driven snow.

Oh, Miguelito, it's wonderful.
It looks perfectly harmless.

But once James West so
much as inhales its aroma,

he'll feel as if he's been
trampled by a 20-mule team.

And this time,

we'll cut the infallible
James West down to size.

Oh, yes, Miguelito,
and this time,

he'll never get away from you.

Ah, true, true.

And once the white powder
has done its dirty work,

this restoring liquid
is the only antidote

that can save him.

Mr. West would trade
his soul to the devil

for one drop of this.

One drop, Antoinette.

And that one drop
he will never have.

Bubble, bubble Double trouble

Bubble, bubble Double trouble

Bubble, bubble Double trouble

Bubble, bubble Double trouble

Okay, Artie.

Hold it, Jim.

Good evening, gentlemen.
Dinner is served.


Thank you.

Ah, ah, ah, ah, ah.
Dr. Loveless wouldn't like.

Nobody said we were neat.



Miguelito, West has escaped.

What? He broke
the chain somehow.

Broke the chain?
That's impossible.

Oh, you fools. Must
I do everything?

Well, so, Mr. West,
the game is on again.

Now you've escaped...

but to where?

Search the house. He can't leave
without the princess and Gordon.

But remember, don't kill West.

Antoinette, get the princess,
take her to the garden room.

What kept you, Mr. West?

You were correct

in your assumption that
my men would not kill you.

That pleasure is
reserved for me alone.

However, you will
notice the princess

with the gun pointed
at her lovely head.

One squeeze of the
trigger, and boom:

Goodbye, Princess Wanakee.

You see, it doesn't really
matter to me when she dies...

or how.

I call this my Garden of Venus.

Rather appropriate,
wouldn't you say?

You win.

What do you want from
me, outside of killing me?

Our game, Mr. West.

You're not playing our game.

These constant attempts
to escape only annoy me

and interrupt my work.

I'm trying to hurry, but
some things take time.

I don't have much time.

Well, neither do I.

Now be a good little boy
and promise the doctor

you'll not try to escape again,

you or Mr. Gordon.

Will you let the princess go?

Oh. No, I won't!

Now, sometimes
you make me so mad.

You can't seem to
get it through your head

you can't escape.

Now, as a gentlemen,
will you give me your word?


Give me that gun.

Now, Mr. West, your word.

You have my word.

Such a stubborn man.

Take them back.

Well, now it's time
to eat, my lovelies.

And don't forget to save
room for the main course.

Now, you wait your turn.

There's one for you...

and there's one for you.

Now, Marsha, lovely,
a nice big one for you.

Now, here.


Then you'll not have any.

Give me your leg.

We got a reprieve?

No, not exactly.

What's going on? I know
Loveless isn't about to let us go.

Not on your life.

Well, then what was, uh...?

Because, uh, he knows
we won't try and escape,

so there's no point
in being chained.

We won't try to escape?

Where'd he get that
ridiculous notion?

From me. From you?

I gave him my word.

Wait a minute. You're
not serious, are you?


You realize you've just
put our necks in the noose?

What could you
have been thinking of?

Of me.

He was thinking
of me, Mr. Gordon.

The doctor would have killed me

if Mr. West hadn't given
his word that you two

would not try to escape.

Well, that figures.

There's great sorrow in my heart

that I will be the
cause of your death.

My life is my own to lose,

but I-I-I cannot
accept in my heart

that I shall take
two lives with me.

You were right, Jim.

She's quite a girl.

I put only a dash
of my white powder

in this cigar.

I hope so.

We don't want Mr. West
to vanish completely.

Oh, I can see it now:

a world where my eyes will
never have to look upward again,

except to gaze at the sky

and the sun and stars.

Oh, Mr. West, a
few puffs on this

and all your dreams
go up in smoke.

You didn't sleep much, did you?

The thought of dying
is not a restful one.

No, it isn't.

My friend worries
when he's awake.

And the doctor?

He never worries,

and neither should you.

We'll get you out
of here somehow.

Tell me, how did Loveless
get you away from the village?

I did that for him.

Each day I would ride
away from the village

to a spring, alone.

It was my place to think.

I had a lot to think
about. Chawtaw?

Thoughts of Chawtaw
fill me only with gladness.

An Indian girl is like any
other girl who is in love.

The choice to marry
is... Is just as important.

She has her fears
and her doubts about it.

My mind was heavy with thinking.

The waters of the spring
were so cool and inviting.

While I was in the spring,

the men came up and they got me.

Th-they took me with
them. I... I had no choice.

Th-they brought me here.

Here I shall die.


None of us is going to die.

Eat hearty, my black beauty.

We may have miles
to go before we sleep.

This is the day.

Oh, Antoinette, that's
beautiful. It's perfect.

It's bad enough being
Loveless' prisoner,

but this hanging around
waiting for something to happen

is killing me.

Maybe the waiting is over.

Ah, there you are.

No, you have us confused
with somebody else.

We're over there.

Mr. Gordon, you're
such a wit. Hee-hee!

I've come to tell you

preparations have
been completed.

Oh, what a marvelous
cigar. Just marvelous.

Mr. West, would you join me?

I'm sociable.

Thank you, Antoinette.

Oh, my pleasure, Mr. West.

Just light the
cigar, Antoinette.

Sorry about the inconveniences,

but you know how
some things take time.

How's the cigar, Mr. West?


It's a little...


Something wrong, Mr. West?


You all right?
What's the matter?



Oh, he's not dead, Mr. Gordon.

But he'll wish he were.

Come out, come
out, wherever you are.

Aw, now, Mr. West,

don't be a spoilsport.

Pussycat can find
you wherever you go.

Oh, don't make a move, Mr. West.

Pussycat is well-trained.
She'll tear you

to little-bitty pieces.


Oh, your clothes suit
you very well, Mr. West.

Antoinette is quite skillful
with needle and thread.

Oh, I told you,
it's a small world.

Fancy meeting you here.

Have fun, you two.

Pussycat will be
here to make sure

that you behave yourselves.

Ta-ta, now. I must go make sure

everything's ready
for the banquet.

What are you doing here?
You don't smoke cigars, do you?

This white powder
came into my room.

It put me to sleep.

When I woke up, I...

Why is he doing this?

To prove that he can.

Whatever's in that white powder

is the key to his
plan to rule the world.

He can put it into
anything: food, water.

He can do this?

That little man can do anything.

Oh, Antoinette, what a night.

Did you see his face? Yes.

Oh, a night I
shall never forget.

Th-the first night I ever
looked down on James West.

And the restoring formula...

West would trade his soul

for one drop of this. Heh!

And make no mistake,
dear Antoinette,

it is his soul I want.

Antoinette, what
fun we shall have.

Fun, fun, fun. Ha-ha-ha-ha!

Yes. One drop of this would
make James West normal.

♪ The first mate He got drunk ♪

♪ He broke up The
captain's trunk ♪

♪ Constable had to
come And take him away ♪

♪ Sheriff John Stone ♪

♪ Sheriff John Stone ♪

♪ Please let me alone ♪

♪ Please let me alone ♪

♪ I feel so break up ♪

♪ I want to go home ♪

♪ So hoist up the John B. sail ♪

♪ See how the mainsail sets ♪

♪ Send for the captain
ashore Lord, let me go home ♪

♪ Let me go home ♪

♪ Let me go home ♪

♪ Oh, let me go home ♪

♪ Oh, let me go home ♪

♪ I feel so break up ♪

♪ I want to go home ♪

Thank you. Mmm.

Hi, Artie. What's new?

Jim. Wha...?

Artie, I can only tell you
if Dr. Loveless offers you

an after-dinner
cigar, don't take it.

Mr. Gordon.

Uh, please come in.

We've been waiting
dinner for you.


Thank you.

Oh, please,
Mr. Gordon, come in. Sit.

Is everything satisfactory,
Mr. Gordon? Hmm?

Oh... yeah.

Mr. West?

One thing about
you, Dr. Loveless,

you do have style.

I try, Mr. West.

I try.

Artie, would you pass
the butter, please?

Oh, uh...

Would you like some butter?


Antoinette, you've
outdone yourself.

Wild duck in orange sauce.


Mr. Gordon. Hmm?

Aren't you even going
to try some of my duck?

Uh, no, thank you.

Afraid to take a
chance, Mr. Gordon?

Oh, please, Mr. Gordon,
enjoy your food. It's quite tasty...

and harmless.

Mr. West, you are the proof

that I have found
the means to the end.

Now, picture, if you
will, a world of people

as small as you are now

with me the lord and master.


Not at all. It'll
be quite glorious.

Once again, the birds and
bees can fly and hum in peace,

the animals can play in the sun

without fearing the
great white hunter,

and man can relax.

No more worries about
power, wealth or wars.

He will have found
his Garden of Eden.

If I remember correctly, there
was a snake in that garden.

Very clever, Mr. Gordon.

I knew you'd appreciate it.

The balance of
nature will be restored.

I, Dr. Miguelito
Loveless, will do this.

I doubt it.

What does that mean?

The best laid plans
of mice and men.

Don't be absurd. I am a genius.

You'll never pull it off.

I will so.

History is against you...

your history.

Get to the point, Mr. West.

Three times you've tried,

and three times you've failed.

And you will fail again.

It's not your fault.
You're just unlucky.

Be quiet, Mr. Gordon.

Each time I failed
before, Mr. West,

it was only because of you.

But now you are no
more than a little fly

buzzing round a honey pot.

But if you buzz around me...

Goodbye, Mr. West.

You have a point.

Indeed I have.

What can we do?

Eat our dinner.


Tomorrow's the third day.

I just can't sit
around and wait for it.

Now, Mr. West,

have you ever been a tenpin?

We've been waiting
for you, Mr. West.

I knew a resourceful
young man like you

would overcome minor
obstacles to get here.

But now, Mr. James west,

the moment of truth has arrived.

Now, don't be afraid, Mr. West.

She's only a plain,
little, everyday pussycat.

We've gone as far as
we can, the three of us.

There's only room for
one in my new world...

my glorious new world.

Oh, that's a good boy,
Mr. West. Now, don't move.

Pussycat hasn't
had her dinner yet.

Antoinette, look
at that pussycat.

- Isn't she the cutest thing?
- Mm-hmm.

I could just cuddle
her to pieces.

Sic him, pussycat. Sic him.


Oh, come back!

Oh, come back, you...

Oh, you fraidy cat!

And you... You, Mr. Gordon.

You didn't play
fair. You cheated.

A weakness. So sue me.

Well done, Mr. West.

Too bad it was all in vain.

Here it is:

your life's blood.

One drop of this and
you can be a man again.

One drop that you'll never get.

Get West! Get him!

Get him. K-kill him.
You've gotta kill him!

Get West!

Hurry. Hurry.


You all right?

Yeah, but I have felt better.


I was wrong.

He still surprises me.


Well, here goes nothing.

You mean everything.

You're forgetting Chawtaw, huh?

You would remind me. Mm-hmm.

Ho-ho! Just like
a jack-in-the-box!

If we hurry, we can still get
you to your wedding on time.

You know, we still
have half a day left.