The Wild Wild West (1965–1969): Season 2, Episode 10 - The Night of the Green Terror - full transcript

As they ride through the forest, Jim West and Artemus Gordon notice the unusual lack of vegetation and animal life. They are suddenly approached by a giant knight who takes them to a large tent. There, West and Gordon meet a miniature Robin Hood, who is really the evil Dr. Miguelito Loveless in disguise. Loveless wants to control the Indians as he starves them by killing their food with his lethal green powder.

I can't believe it.

It's as though
every living thing

had suddenly
disappeared from this forest.

I haven't seen a bird
in three days. Not one.

Artie, look.


All the berries are dead.

Well, everything else
seems to be perfectly all right.

Why only the
fruit-bearing plants?

It's as though anything
that could sustain life

in this forest is suddenly dead.

Well, maybe the Indians in
Bright Star know something.

So welcome to Sherwood
Forest, our naughty varlets.

Merry men, huh?

Hate to think what they look
like when they're not merry.

♪ I know where I'm going ♪

♪ And I know Who's
going with me ♪

♪ I know who I love ♪

♪ But the dear
knows Who I'll marry ♪

♪ Some say he's bad ♪

♪ But I, I say he's bonny ♪

♪ Fairest of them all ♪

♪ My handsome Winsome Johnny ♪

♪ I know where I'm going ♪

♪ And I know Who's
going with me ♪

♪ I know who I love ♪

Squab, gentlemen?

Or would you rather eat crow?


if it isn't our old friend
Dr. Miguelito Loveless.


Well, my sweet
chuck, my bully blade,

what brings you to
Sherwood Forest?

Robin Hood bids
you welcome hith...

Don't show any interest.

You know he'll
tell us everything.

He can't stand being ignored.

You're right.

Prithee, Robin, take
heed of thy hay fever.

Prithee, blow thy nose.

Thank you, fair Maid Marian.

Well, old sly boots,

what perilous dragon
must be slain this time?

Well, now, don't try to
pretend you're not interested.

I can tell you're
dying of curiosity.

Well, I'll tell you.

Fifteen miles from here,

there's an Indian village,
the village of Bright Star.

Now, not long ago,
a famine befell them,

and the Indians starved.

I suppose you're here
to tell us you did it.


Bring such a miracle to pass?

Oh, I think you
flatter me too much.

And besides, why would
I want to do such a thing

to those poor Indians?

I demand an answer.

Why would I want to reduce
them to such cruel poverty?

Because I love them, that's why!

Because I want them to realize
who their true benefactor is:


Dr. Miguelito Loveless,
alias, Robin Hood.

Hyah! Hyah!


Robin, art thou all right?

I am fine.

But thou hast let them go.

You don't understand, my dear.
I meant to from the very start.

Don't you see? West is so
proud of his ability to escape,

and I wanted to teach
his pride a little lesson.

Varlet, tell Maid Marian

what's going to happen
to West and his friend

when they reach Bright Star.

Ah... Ah...

I thought you said
they'd be friendly.

We'll find out right away.

That must be the chief.

No, that's his wife.

She fights at his
side in every battle.

She looks it.

Who are you? Why have you come?

Uh, my name is James West,
and this is Artemus Gordon.


do you do?

Uh, we've come a long way

to talk to you
and your warriors,

all the way from
Washington, D.C.

From Washington?


Is it about the famine
you have come?


Go away.

We've come to help you.


If we had any more of
your government's help,

we would all starve. Go away.

Well, can't we
talk to you first?

A warrior who loves his people

will not have a
deaf ear to reason.

All right, but I know
who my friends are.

But you may speak.

Food from the
lord of the forest!


You have brought us
sand instead of food. Why?

My master, the
lord of the forest,

is very angry with you.

Now he has always treated
you with loving kindness.

In your need, he
brought you food

from his secret sanctuaries.

In return, you have repaid
this kindness with disloyalty.

There are among
you two strangers

who would kill him
because they hate him.

Are you loyal to my master?


Then prove it. Kill them.

Even an animal kills for food.


Take him prisoner.

The other one, he got away?

Send two of your best
trackers to find Mr. Gordon.

Meanwhile, the
lord of the forest

is delighted that
you have this one.

But he doesn't want
you to kill him so quickly.

Use some exquisite Indian
torture that takes time.

He despises haste.

It offends his
contemplative nature.

Ta-ta, Mr. West.

Tie him there.

Ugh. Sorry, I slipped.

Your death will be your
own fault for coming here.

I came as a friend
because of the famine.

Our government sent
help, and you refused it.


You call this help?

Seeds to plant,

hoes and rakes and paper books.

"Ten Easy Steps
for Better Corn."

"The Proper Care of Rutabaga."

You call that help?

We sent food too,
and you sent it back.

Cans of meat that
were bad to the taste.

Cans that were spoiled
and burst in the sun.

No, that was not help.

But the lord of the forest
sent his little warrior to us.

And he brought venison
and quail, salmon and trout,

and ale that was
nut-brown to the taste.

And for all of this,

all he asked was
loyalty from our people.

We sent you seeds and tools

so your people could
help themselves.

Look at your village.

Your tepees are
decayed. No one works.

He promised us the good life,
where no man needs work again.

The little warrior
is not your friend.

Believe me, I
know him. He's evil.

The lord of the forest is good.

He would not have an
evil warrior for a servant.

I will go to my people,

and we will pray to our
gods to banish your spirit

from our village
after you are dead.

The thong is wet.

As it dries, it will
pull the trigger.

It will not take long.
It is a warm day.

I absolutely refuse.

Nobody can make me
do what I don't want to.

First it's hay fever, and
now it's a terrible cold.

Well, it serves you right,

traipsing around in the
woods in the twilight dew.

Well, I was
practicing my stalking.

Well, I want you
to eat your supper.

Oh, I hate venison.

Oh, now.

Mm, besides, it's
not this accursed cold.

It's that silly chief
in Bright Star.

He still hasn't killed West.

Why does he have to go through

all that silly superstitious
nonsense first?

Well, maybe you've
misjudged him.

I? Misjudge people?

That's unthinkable. I
know human nature.

Yes, Miguelito.

All you have to do

is keep giving people something
they want badly enough.

Give it to them for nothing

and you reduce them to
passive obedient children.


You can make them
do anything you want to,

anything in the world.

They become so dependent on you.

Yes, Miguelito.

I can have them
eating out of my hand.

Of course, Miguelito.


I'll probably have
to do it myself.

Those Indians dawdle so.

Yes, Miguelito.

Why don't you do it after
you finish your nice venison?

Sorry to disturb your
meditations, Mr. West.

What are you doing
sneaking around here?

Sneaking? Not at all.

I just wanted to make
sure my friends the Indians

didn't disturb our last
moments together.

I wanted it to be
just the two of us.

Aren't they the
devilish lot, though?

You just couldn't
stay away, could you?

Oh, no. That would be rude,

not to say goodbye
to an old friend.

And you know how
I abhor rudeness.

Sorry, Mr. West. I
have a terrible cold,

and I should never
forgive myself

if you caught it from me.


Go ahead and gloat.
That's why you came, isn't it?

Oh, not at all.

I just thought you
might be interested

to see how I ended
all life in this forest.

I did it with this.

It kills all insects.

And without insects,

fruit-bearing trees
cannot pollinate.

There can be no fruit.

Don't worry, Mr. West.

At the moment, the
solution isn't strong enough,

but add just a little bit
more of my secret formula,

and "whoo."

A film forms on water,
and all the fish die.

A bit more

and birds fly,

only to die in a
feathered falling.

Just a little bit stronger,

the largest elk feels faint,


and fading, dies.

And finally,

if needs I must,

add just a little bit more
of my secret formula:


And children too?

Children who
cry out in the night

from the hunger you've caused?

What can children know
of crying in the night?

What could children know
of a whole lifetime of crying?

You know, Mr. West,
in a way, you're lucky.

In a very few minutes, you
will be beyond all the pain,

all the crying.

Well, what can one say at
a time like this, Mr. West?

Au revoir.


Just goodbye.

Once and forever,

goodbye, Mr. West.

Hi, Jim. Artie.


Move back.

I don't wanna hurt anybody.

Chief, you're leaving with
us, and no one else is to follow.

The rest of you turn around.

Do put down that
silly knife, Mr. West.

Now, really,

sometimes you can
be quite exasperating.

What are you doing here?

I want a powwow.

I have no time for that.

Not with you.

With the lord of the forest.

Tie those two.

Ow. Ooh. Ooch.

Ooh, darn these pine needles.

Why can't a forest
be decently carpeted?

They want a powwow, do they?

I'll give 'em powwow.
Get the ladder.

Why do they have
to bother me now?

I distinctly told them
"Don't call us, we'll call you."

Put it down, quick. Hurry.

Ah. Okay, hold that.

Be careful.


counting all the
tribes of the forest,

how many "friends"
do you suppose

that gives Dr. Loveless?

Around 10,000.


That's quite an army.

I'm ready. Put
the back plate on.

Miguelito, are you all right?

I'm fine. Go see
what they're doing.

They're coming.

What urgent matter brings
you all into my awful presence?

You have said that you
can rebuild our country for us,

build a new land.

Do you doubt my word?

It is a vast country.

The paleface has
many towns and cities,

and a vast army.

How are they to be defeated?

Never fear. We shall win.

But how?

My best young braves
said they will fight beside you

only if you answer
that question.

Order them to.

I am an old man.

They are young and strong.

Well, tell them that
if they do not fight,

my brave and magnificent
warrior, Robin of the wood,

will stop bringing food.

You will all starve again.

I have told them that,

but they say they
will leave the forest

and move to other
hunting grounds.

Very well. I shall send
my brave and magnificent

Robin of the wood to show you.

That little man?

I hate being spoken to by him.

Sometimes he acts as
though he were a great warrior.

He does not know his place.

He is a genius.

He wants you to have
your homeland back.

He wants you to live
hereafter in a perfect world,

where there will
be no work or woe.

He is a saint.

Go now.

He will come to you.

He will show you how we
shall regain our country.


Get the ladder.

That old fool. Who does
he think he is, anyway?

"Little man," indeed.

You'll have to go
out the back way.

Stop treating me like a servant
and get that back plate off.

Whatever that powwow was about,

I don't think it
turned out too well.

They look sore.

Maybe Loveless cut
off their food supply.


How long do you think
it'll be before Loveless

turns his twisted
little mind to us?

Right now, Mr. Gordon.

In fact,

you and Mr. West are
never out of my mind.

Untie them.

My master bids me show you

how we shall kill
the evil palefaces.

The great chief
will remain silent.

He says an eagle will
not speak with a mole.

Blindfold them and bring them.

Why them?

I am to show you how
to kill palefaces, am I not?

Come with me.

Oh, don't stop, dear.
You play so beautifully.

Uh, seat the
gentlemen here, please.

Hmm. Uh, remove the blindfolds.

Mr. West, Mr. Gordon,

welcome to my humble abode.


here we have a
town of palefaces,

but let us suppose
that this town

is Washington, D.C.

Will that do, gentlemen,
Washington, D.C.?

Very well.

This is President Grant,
there the vice president.

Over there, there,
and over there,

cabinet officers.

There's some senators...

Be brief.

Yes, yes.

Heh-heh. Brevity,
the soul of wit.

Wit, joy, gaiety.

Gaiety, fun.

A balloon.

A balloon filled with hydrogen.

But a balloon must have a cargo,

a precious cargo
of green powder,

powder of my invention.

But don't be alarmed.

This has been reduced
ten thousandfold in strength.

♪ Do-do ♪

♪ Do-do-do-do-do-do ♪

♪ Do-do ♪

♪ Do-do-do-do ♪

♪ Do-dah, do-dah ♪

Ah, the simple
pleasures of boyhood.

And there, gentlemen...

There goes Washington, D.C.

Or Boston or New
York or San Francisco.

Anywhere, everywhere
the winds carry my balloons,

and I shall send
thousands of them,

tens and hundreds of thousands,

and the powder will
be at full strength.

And then we shall
move in to sack, to loot,

to rebuild our cities,

for there will be no
palefaces left anywhere.

And you tell your warriors

that is how we're
going to do it.

This is only make-believe,
isn't it? Heh-heh.

There was no real city
there, no real people, huh?

Nothing was real.


Mr. West is real.

Now I will show you

what this does to a real man.

Is the lord of the forest weak,

that he has such a little
man do his killing for him?

Go ahead and grovel,
Mr. West. It will get you nowhere.

If he's such a great warrior,

why doesn't he
prove his strength?

Nowhere. Nowhere, Mr. West.

Then he must be a coward.

I challenge him to a duel.

You won't be around, Mr. West.


He is right. Let
there be a duel.

Believe me, this
is more merciful.

Stop talking back to
me, you funny little man.

Tell your master
there will be a duel.

Very well.

With maces.

We know that the
great lord of the forest

is a mighty warrior.

When he wins,

we shall fight by his side

and give him our loyalty
the remainder of our lives.

But if he loses...


Gods do not lose.

Shut your mouth, little man.

If the impossible happens,

and he should lose,

then we shall give our loyalty

to this warrior.

Now let us prepare to fight.

You ever fought
with a mace before?

Fought with one? I've
never even seen one.

Well, there's always
beginner's luck.

♪ Hey, young rider
Apple-cheeked ♪

♪ One whither riding ♪
♪ Hey, young rider ♪

♪ No matter where I ride ♪
♪ One whither riding ♪

♪ Slovak mountain by my side ♪
♪ No matter where I ride ♪

♪ Duschamoya ♪
♪ Slovak mountain by my side ♪

♪ Duschamoya ♪

♪ Duschamoya ♪

♪ Rose, rose, rose, rose ♪

♪ Will I ever see thee wed? ♪


Look, I know this, uh,

may sound ridiculous,

but what if Loveless
were the knight?

A mechanical man
with Loveless inside.



He moves too naturally.

There isn't even a whisper
of machinery working.

But remember, Artie,

Loveless is a scientific genius.

Yeah, but yesterday when
he rode into Bright Star,

the knight rode right with him.

At a safe distance.

An empty knight on a horse.

That might be

just a suit of armor.

Why would he do it?

Well, you know Loveless.

To gain their respect.

Unless he were a heroic knight,

he wouldn't stand a
chance of getting his respect.

Yeah, but we can
tell the chiefs, Jim.

You don't have to go
through with this duel.

When he comes out,
we just expose him.

Artie, it's not just a
question of exposing them.

We have to win
them back to our side,

and they respect a fighter.

You're right. You're right.

Just watch your
step, that's all.

If I know Loveless,

he's sure to try
to pull something.

♪ I would marry at thy will ♪

♪ Hey, young rider
Apple-cheeked ♪

♪ One whither riding ♪
♪ Hey, young rider ♪

♪ No matter where I ride ♪
♪ One whither riding ♪

♪ Slovak mountain by my side ♪
♪ No matter where I ride ♪

♪ Duschamoya ♪
♪ Slovak mountain by my side ♪

♪ Duschamoya ♪

♪ Duschamoya ♪

And I have a surprise
for our friend Mr. West.

My explosive.

Just enough,

not a jot or tittle more,

but just enough,

so that when this mace hits him,

it will explode.

And I, in my magic armor,

shall be unscathed.

Ah. Done.


Bring me the silken pillow.

But first we have
a little fun. Hm.

Some suspense, a touch
of pepper to the soup.

We give that mace to Mr. West.

Miguelito, it... Nah, nah, nah.

Don't worry, my dear.

I know what I'm doing.


Here they are.

Mr. West,

so that the contest
will not be one-sided,

I will let you use
my favorite mace.

It was given to me by my mother.

It is beautifully balanced.

My compliments to your mother,

but I prefer that one.

Look out!


they've got
explosives in that thing.

Mr. West,

are you ready?

Yeah, I'm ready.

Good luck.



Attack them. They are
warriors of a false god!

Miguelito, quickly.

They disappeared
in here somewhere.

Quickly now, a
balloon. A balloon.

Now, this is full strength.

Just one of these is enough
to send the whole forest

up in flames.

I'll show West
and those Indians.

Wait till they see this.



It's one of his balloons
with the green powder.

Hurry, hurry.

I'm afraid. Miguelito.

Quickly, into the log.

Into the log. Quickly. Quickly!

The fire!

Hurry. Help!

Hi, Jim.

Find anything?

Not a sign.

Whatever you do,
don't sit on that log.

You find anything?

Just his hunting horn.

Hunted everywhere for
them. There's no sign at all.

Searched for hours.

Maybe they got away, huh?

Not a chance.

Well, they certainly were here.

Yeah, they tried to escape

out there in the
worst part of the fire.

Come on, Artie.

All right.

All right, how'd you do
it? How did you do it?

What was it you did?
Let me show you, Artie.

Here. Yeah.

It's an outward strike.


Elbow to the rib cage.


Double hammer.


Back into position, kick.

You did it again.

All right.

All right, now let
me do it with you.

It's a block. Ugh!

You've got to watch this elbow.

Very funny. The block
was perfect, Artie.

Yes, of course.

It's a...

It's a block.

Artie. Yeah?

Why are we stopping?

Oh, I forgot to tell
you. I got a telegram.

We got to pick up a
package at the station.

Oh, yes. We were expecting that.

Thank you.

Oh, you think it's funny?
Let's see you open it.

All right, Artie.

I opened it.


"From your unknown
admirer." How about that, Artie?

Well, that's the
price of fame, Jim.

We got to be sure to...

Hey, young rider Apple-cheeked ♪

♪ One whither riding ♪

♪ No matter where I ride ♪

♪ Slovak mountain by my side ♪
Oh, no.

♪ Duschamoya ♪