The Wild Wild West (1965–1969): Season 2, Episode 1 - The Night of the Eccentrics - full transcript

Agents West and Gordon are notified by another agent about an assassination plot against President Juarez of Mexico. Later, they find the agent dead with a knife in his back through a flyer...

Julio, are you there?

Look who's paying us a visit.

Fee, fi, fo, fum.

I smell the blood
of an Englishman.

What's the matter
with your nose, boy?

That's no Englishman.

Villar is right, Julio.

Look at this gentleman.

His manly bearing,

resolute jaw,
fearless, flashing eyes.

Oh, now I know, count.

He must be a secret service man.

Splendid, Julio.

Well, livey, fancy that.

Why, he must be the
notorious James West.

Oh, no, Tony.

We're not that honored.

Oh, dear. Now look
what I've gone and done.

Really, Miranda.

What a shocking way to
treat a government agent

who's been snooping around
where he hasn't any right to be.

West's sidekick, Artemus Gordon?

No, Deadeye.

This gentleman is neither
of those two worthies,

although the plan
was for you to meet

Messieurs West and Gordon here

and pass on the information
you'd nosed out about us.

Isn't that right, Mr. Markham?


Golly, golly, golly.

What's Mr. Markham
going to do now?

Well, what can he do, Julio?


except die.

Markham said he'd
leave the door open for us.

Well, let's not
stand on ceremony.



That's nice shooting.

Oh, I think I sprained
my ankle when I landed.

Jim, look.

West. Artemus.

Come here very quietly.

Is he, uh...?

How can that be?

I distinctly heard him speak.

Would you care

to place a small wager on that,

Mr. Gordon?



It's all right,
nurse. That'll be all.

Thank you.

"Olvide sus penas
en el Parque Eco.

Felicidad, risa y alegria."

Whatever the devil that means.

Oh, roughly
translated, sir, it means,

"For a happy and joyous time,
visit the Eco Amusement Park."

Mm. Well, hang
that silly poster.

Let me remind you two of
the few very pertinent facts.

Item number one:

Vance Markham has been
brutally murdered by whom?

In all probability,
by the Eccentrics,

an organization
of murderous thugs

who specialize in
assassination for hire.

Oh, very good,
Mr. Gordon. Thank you, sir.

What else do we know
about the Eccentrics?

Well, no one has
ever seen them, sir,

but from the bits and pieces
we've been able to gather,

I don't think there's any doubt
that they intend to assassinate

the president of Mexico, Juárez.


Remind me to give the two
of you a gold star to paste

in your copybooks.

Yes, sir.

Gentlemen, if our president

is sleeping soundly
at the moment,

it is because he has
somehow got the idea

that we can prevent anything
from happening to Juárez.

And just how do we
do that, Mr. West?

I was thinking
about paying a visit

to the Eco Amusement Park.

Hurry! Hurry! Hurry!

Ladies and gentlemen,

come and explore
our fascinating world.

A universe of laughter,
fun and frivolity,

and all for just 5 centavos.

Hurry! Hurry!

Come and see the sights
which have amazed mankind

since the days of Helen of Troy.


justly renowned as
the fastest gun on Earth.

Tony, undisputed master
of the art of knife-throwing.

And this lovely shell-like ear

is none other than
the imperial ear

of the Princess
Yasmine Ayasutupeth,

queen by ancestral
right of Aramean,

rescued not six months ago
from the slave markets at Mecca

and brought here at great cost.

But this is just a foretaste

of the fabulous feast
awaiting you within.

Will Your ravishing
Majesty deign to enter

the Cabinet of No Return?

Through the intercession

of the Black Council
of Baal, Bael, Balaam,

and of the sorcerer's name
that may not even be whispered.

Thank you. Thank you.

Thank you, ladies and gentlemen.

Your enthusiastic response
is much appreciated.

And now, for your
further entertainment,

Titan is ready to match
his formidable muscles

against all comers,

and the prize for
whoever can defeat him:

Nothing less than the crown of
the Emperor Herodotus of Rome,

2,000 years old and
worth a king's ransom.

However, I must caution you.

Titan will not likely
yield this priceless relic.


But to our little frolic,

who will have the prize
for which gladiators died

in the Colosseum?

What about you?

Wouldn't you care to
lock horns with Titan?

The, uh, gentleman outweighs
me by several ounces.

Goliath outweighed
David too, if you recall,

and David took a chance.

Won't you reconsider?

Since you put it that way.

You realize, of course,

that you are going to die.

Everybody dies. Keep the change.

Very nice.

Must you leave? It was
just getting interesting.

Somebody wins. Somebody loses.

The rondelle of life, sir.

Speaking of winning,

you mentioned
something about a crown.

Ah, yes.

To the victor

belongs the spoils.

Fabulous crown

of Emperor Herodotus.

I didn't know that crowns
were made of lead.


What kind of base
chicanery is this?

I assure you, sir, I
will make it up to you.

Don't bother. I'm
very fond of lead.

No, no. You're
being far too kind.

I assure you,

I want you to get everything
that's coming to you.

Lights, that our distinguished
guest may see better.

Allow me to present myself.

I am the Count Carlos Marie
Vincenzo Robespierre Manzeppi,

adventurer, poet and
lover of all that is corrupt,

forbidden and blasphemous.

Charmed, I'm sure.

But you forgot to add murderer

and chief of the Eccentrics.

You hear?

Our fame is spreading.

Allow me to present
my fellow Eccentrics.

Tony Pie, foremost exponent

of the knife and its
accurate delivery.

How do you do?

The incomparable
Deadeye, grand master

of the six-chambered
revolving death.

And a good day to you too, sir.

Villar, our
ventriloquial wonder,

and his friend
and protégé, Julio.

Any questions, Mr. West?

Uh, just one question.

Who's the ventriloquist,
and who's the dummy?

And saving the most
decorative for last,

the divine Miranda.

Lovely, isn't she?

Like a fer-de-lance.

And the mighty
Titan. I miss him.

We all do.

He failed in his little
encounter with you and so...

Scratch one Eccentric, huh?

Titan's dead.

Long live his replacement.

Well, I'm... I'm flattered.

Are you asking me
to join your group?

Why not?

You have much to offer us.

Oh, a certain flair
for assassination,

a charming capacity
to overcome odds.

In short, style.

We can use you.

Uh, you'll, uh... You'll
turn my head, count.

Aren't you forgetting I'm
on the side of the law?

Men have changed
allegiance before.

I can promise you this:

Join with us, and you'll be rich

beyond the wildest
dreams of the misers.

I see. Do I have a choice?

Well, of course you
have a choice, Mr. West.

I'm not an unreasonable man.

Join us, or die.

A man would be a fool
to decline that invitation.


Uh, however, there is one
test of your good faith needed.


To show us that you are
really dedicated to our cause,

you'll be required to kill
your friend Artemus Gordon.


A magic lantern show.

My favorite indoor sport.

Question: Who are these people?

Emperor Maximilian

and his wife Carlota.

Alive and well, I trust?

No, no, not exactly.

Maximilian was shot
dead four years ago

by Juárez revolutionaries.

Oh, that's too bad.

They look like
such a nice couple.

And what have we here?

That is Maximilian's cousin,

the Archduke Charles
Louis of Austria.

Splendid, Julio.

Tonight he lands at Veracruz.

In two days time,
he'll be at Mexico City

to accept his cousin's
crown, and then...

Well, I'm sure your colleague
has filled you in on all this.

Before you murdered him.

Meanwhile, President
Benito Juárez

will have a serious accident.

Murdered, don't you mean?

No, I don't mean murdered.
I don't like the word.

News of the president's,
uh, terrible accident

will spread throughout Mexico.

Hail, Emperor Charles Louis.

Hail and farewell,
Benito Juárez.

That was bad judgment

on your part, Mr. West.

You forgot Deadeye is
the fastest gun on Earth.

I guess you're going to
have to be taught a lesson.

What about me, governor?

He ain't seen the show I put on.


All right, Tony.
You can have him.

Try to savor this, Mr. West.

Tony is really quite
an artist in his own way.

When the knife hits the
bull's-eye, it's bon voyage.

Too far to the right. Try again.

Left. Try it again.

I never miss a
third trick, governor.

Mr. West, this way. Follow me.

Where are we?

Behind the place still.

Why'd you help me?

Oh, that's the kind of
fer-de-lance I am, I guess.

Someday, I'd like to do a
first-class job of thanking you.

Oh, no, but wait.

I want to go with you.

What about your playmates?

Well, I've been
thinking about resigning,

and you made up my mind for me.

Let's go.

It's really going
quite well, isn't it?

Well, well, well, well,
well. Welcome home.

Ah, you brought me
the queen of Aramean.

Oh, but my real name's Miranda
when you get up off the floor.

Please, make
yourself at home. Do.

Thank you.

Anything I can do for you?

Artie, listen.
This is important.

Markham was right.

They plan to
assassinate Juárez tonight

so that Archduke Charles Louis

can take over the
throne of Mexico.

Better notify
Washington right away.

Who is this, the Eccentrics?

Who else?


Deader than the
proverbial doornail.

It's moving faster
than I expected.

What were you
expecting, Mr. West?

Very smart quarters, Mr. West.

Very smart, indeed.

Ah, Miranda, my blossom,

your performance was superb.

Accept my congratulations too.

You had me fooled.

And believe me,
Mr. West, I didn't enjoy this.

I'll try to remember that.

What's on the agenda now?

First of all, I shall
require your train.


For any particular reason?

I told you,

Juárez will be
returning to Mexico City.

You'll accompany his body

on this train.

I suppose that means
we're going to be dead too.

No, of course not.

Whatever gave you that
idea? You'll be very much alive.

In fact, it will be my
privilege to present you

to the Emperor Charles Louis

as the assassin of
President Juárez.

A new plan?

You like it?

It's very intriguing.

I think so.

And now you have a
certain mission to perform.

Oh, why was I
chosen for this job?

My dear Mr. West,

you're an accredited
United States agent.

Since you will seemingly have
assassinated the tyrant Juárez,

it will appear to the world

that the United States
is giving its blessing

to the rebirth of
the Mexican empire.

And for that we
get a million dollars.

Small potatoes.

Has it ever occurred to you,

or for that matter, any of you,

that my government
would gladly pay $2 million

to save Juárez
and his democracy?

Very shrewd maneuver, Mr. West,

but it won't work...

I don't think.

Mr. West, you have succeeded
in making me lose my temper.

Is that bad?

For you, it will be
highly traumatic.

We have little
better than an hour

before we must embark
on the Juárez mission.

Not too much time,

but enough to teach you

a most salutary,
highly-corrective lesson

about meddling in the
plans of the Eccentrics.

Now can Miranda do
a turn with the whip?

She does it so well.

Count, I still have a few fine
points I could show Mr. West...

Be quiet, all of you,

and put that silly thing away.

As the old saying goes,

"This one's on me."

No, a little further back.

Yes, now, uh, to your right.

That's excellent, thank you.

One of my many
admirers, I presume?

And I assure you, she'll
not lose her hold on you

this side of the
17 gates of hell.

Then I guess I'll
have to get used

to her hot little
hands, won't I?

Oh, but there's much
more to my little diversion

than just that, Mr. West.

Now you are in
the cradle of limbo

suspended halfway
betwixt Elysium and Hades.

I always did want to
get away from it all.

Well, then you should
be enjoying yourself.

Unfortunately, you won't
stay up there for long.

For shame, count.

You should have used
a better-quality rope.


You don't seem to be grasping

the finer points
of this, Mr. West.

Julio? Explain it
to him, will you?

The rope has been chemically
treated with a caustic.

In approximately 14
minutes, it will part.

And down will come
cradle, baby and all.

He's a barrel of monkeys, he is.

And there's more, much more.

Tell him, won't you, count?

Observe, Mr. West.

Van de Graaff's experiments

in static electricity
showed me the way.

Oh, there are thousands
and thousands of volts

barely held in check.

Now, what will happen

when you fall into
the middle of it?

The shocking moment
of truth, I suppose.

Beautifully stated, Mr. West.

Oh, I wish I could
stay and watch,

but unfortunately, the
smell of scorched people

disagrees with me.

Adieu, my noble friend.

We have chosen
our respective ways.

You're off to your
electrical Valhalla,

and I and my
confrères are off to mark

"paid" to the account
of Mr. Benito Juárez.

Mr. West, enjoy.

Mr. West.

Ah, Miranda.

Come to watch the
thrilling descent?

Listen, you said your government

would give $2 million to
have Juárez alive, remember?

Bless your greedy little heart.

We'll go halfers.

Fifty-fifty split, just
you and me, okay?

I hate to change the
subject, but I don't think

I'm going to be hanging
around very long.


All right, 50 percent
of everything I collect.

Now, grab that pole
and smash those lights.

The electrical field is
stronger than I thought.

Miranda, over my head
are a couple electrical wires.

I want you to cut
them with your whip.

But they're right
next to the rope.

If I should hit that
by mistake, then...

That's where the fun comes in.

Not knowing which will go first.

Uh, look, I'm
nervous. I can't. I...

Miranda, right now.

You're sure it was the terrace
the count was headed for?


That's Juárez's secret
new headquarters.

He found out.


Alto, señor.

Guard, this is, um...

Estás muy importante
a Presidente Juárez.

Hang on, I'm gonna
have to dump this guy.

Sí. Anything you say.

Adios, muchachos.



To the right, please.

As I was saying before I
was so rudely interrupted

by the Eccentrics...

Artie, you son of a gun.


In that room.

Follow me...

at a respectable distance

as befits gringos, if
you understand me.

Mr. President.

Mr. President?

Yes, my friend?


I'm in the Secret Service
of the United States.

I must tell you an attempt is
going to be made on your life.

My life?

Surely there must be a mistake.

Who would want to kill me?

There's an organization that
sells death across the counter

like bolts of calico.

They call themselves
the Eccentrics,

and their leader is...

Count Carlos Marie Vincenzo
Robespierre Manzeppi,

your servant.

It was a delicate problem,

how to dispose of you and your
equally-troublesome colleague

without upsetting the timetable

governing the
elimination of Mr. Juárez.

Obviously, a catalytic
agent was needed.

Like her ravishing highness.


It was painfully obvious to me

that the divine Miranda
had forsaken me

and was now dreaming girlish
dreams only of the $2 million

with which you had so
cleverly baited your hook.

I see.

Then I was supposed
to break loose

from the amorous Miranda.

My dear Mr. West,

I would have been
desolate if you hadn't.

And now...

Now we come to
the final movement.

Mr. West, greedy Miranda,

Mr. Gordon,

I have permitted you
to expend much time,

trouble, and ingenuity

to arrive at your
place of execution.

However, your execution
will be held in abeyance

until after Mr. Juárez
has been gathered

to his forefathers.

I appreciate a little audience
for my curtain closes.


I beg your pardon.

I'm going to take a little nap

until it's curtain time.

Uh, is it all done with mirrors,

or are you really good
at throwing those knives?

Ha! Governor, if I do
say so meself, I shouldn't,

I'm the living tub-thumping,
cock-crowing hen.

Oh, you don't say.

Well, maybe you'd put on
a little demonstration for us.

Sure... Turn it off, West.

How about that?

With all Tony's talent,

our wild and woolly
cowboy friend

won't let him put
on a little show.

We're entitled to it, aren't we?

Condemned men are
always granted a last request

and a hearty meal.

Tough. It's cook's night off.

Okay, then let's
have the last request.

A little entertainment.

Come on, Tony.

Let's see how close you can come

without nicking me.

Well, don't stop now. I'm
just beginning to enjoy it.

That's a lot, governor.

Drop it, West.

Right now.

Too bad, Jim. It was a good try.

What happened, Julio?

Mr. West suckered Tony
into throwing his knives.

Ah, yes.

And the astute Mr. West

proceeded to cut
his bonds with them

in an attempt to
win his freedom.

Correct, Mr. West?

It seemed to be a pretty
good idea at the time.

You're not without a certain
native resourcefulness,

which I do admire.

Oh, dear.

Now, more than ever,

we can use you in our
sadly-depleted organization.


Governor, listen to me.

Gov, I...

I didn't mean... You know...

Fall down, Tony.

You're dead.

And as for you, Mr. West,

you've never been
closer to certain death

than you have been
in the past few minutes.

I wish I'd known.

Do you think
Deadeye is just a man

who handles a gun with
amazing accuracy and speed?

He's much more
than that, you know.

He's a machine.

Lubricating oil in his veins

instead of blood.

Electrical circuits
instead of nerves.

Steel cable instead of muscle.

My, my.

All that for shooting
down defenseless men.

What a waste.

Easy, West.

Take it very easy.

Hm, my compliments, Mr. West.

Of course, you know
what the canny Mr. West

is trying to do, don't you?

He's doing his very best to
make you lose your temper.

How could I possibly do that,

simply by pointing out the
fact that Titan was defenseless

when you lined him up
in your, uh, gun sights?

West, so help me...

And little Tony.

That took a lot of nerve
and skill to gun him down.

You know what I'm wondering?

I'm wondering what you'd be
like with someone who had a gun.

Someone who knew how to use it.

Don't be a fool.

It's just what he
wants you to do.

If I may make a
small suggestion,

you're a count.

Why don't you count?

Very good. Why not?

Ready, gentlemen?

You ready, Deadeye?

Remember, I've got a gun too.


Have you ever
been shot, Deadeye?

Had that unforgettable

as that hot lead
pumps into your body?


There's still time to
pull out, Deadeye.

Better a live coward...

Fall down, West.


Mr. West,

you have a fine shiny gun,

and you certainly
know how to use it.

I, in turn, have a
fine shiny bomb,

and I assure you, I
know how to use it.

I think you're trying
to make a point.

Only this: If you should be
ill-advised enough to shoot me,

this bomb is primed to
go off, disposing of you,

Miranda and Mr. Gordon.

Yes, and quite possibly
disposing of Mr. Juárez,

who, if I am to judge by
the enthusiastic sound

of the faithful,
is drawing nigh.

A Mexican standoff, is that it?

I don't know if that's a bomb

or a nickel-plated egg cup.

Hm, I know, and that's
where the fun comes in.

Is it worth the
risk to find out?

Uh, you seem to forget
that you've lost the initiative,

that you're in hostile territory

and surrounded by the enemy.

But brilliant general that I am,

I took the trouble to prepare
a proper avenue of retreat.

Act one to you, Mr. West.

But when the mists rise

and the sudden silences fall,

look for me.

Welcome home, Mr. President.

What? What the devil did he say?

Oh, it's a little
embarrassing, sir.

Oh, come on, West. Out with it.

He said the wall is solid.
There's no sliding panel.

Oh, I see.

And you still maintain
that the wall slid back

like the Red Sea... Yes, sir.

And conveniently allowed
Manzeppi to escape.

Yes, sir. There's
no doubt about it.

Secret panels and walls.

Has it ever occurred to you

that the whole thing
was an illusion?

Well, I saw it too, sir.

I can assure you
it was no illusion.

Well, perhaps you've been
working a little too hard.

Ever consider that?

Confound it, you agents
aren't made of bronze.

You could be suffering
from an optical illusion.

Innumerable times, I've
suggested that our agents

be compelled to use their
full amount of leave time

each and every year.

Every man is human.

You can't just go from
assignment to assignment

without rest and not have it
catch up with you in the end.