The Wild Wild West (1965–1969): Season 1, Episode 22 - The Night of the Bars of Hell - full transcript

Jim goes undercover as a prison inspector to investigate a local prison. When Jim is sentenced to die in the electric chair, Arte poses as the executioner to save him.


Uh, my name is James West.

I'm with the government

and I have business
with your prince.

Not to approach.

I said, I'm with the government.


That will do.

Prince Gregor, I'm Agent West.

I was told that a special agent

had been assigned
by your President,

to escort my family
to New Petersburg,

and that he was a
most capable man.

Then why didn't
you tell your men?

I'm glad to see
that my information

was correct on both counts.

I welcome you.

Thank you.


a new addition
to the royal family.

Shall I, sire?

I can easily pick him off.

At the proper time and
place, we will eliminate him.

Tell Princess Lina
I wish to see her.

Yes, your grace.

Really, Gregor, dashing
about this wild country,

you might have
been shot by buffaloes

or trampled by Indians.

Fortunately, auntie,

I was able to
escape both perils.

This is Mr. James West.

How do you do?

The Dowager Duchess
Sophia of Korovnia.

You are Hungarian.

I can tell the Magyar eyes.

No, I-I'm afraid
not, your grace.

Really? You remind me so much

of a Hungarian
count I knew as a girl.

Bruno, it was.

Well, no matter.

How desperately I
need a knave of spades.

My sister, Lina.

Mr. West is the official
escort from his country.

An escort of one?

Your Highness,

I was concerned
when you returned late

from your ride. Oh,
I am sorry, captain.

Captain Zaboff guards
me and my family.

Mr. West has been loaned
to us by the United States.

Since we are on a hunting
expedition in his country,

his government would
want no unpleasant incident

to mar our journey.

You're a talented
skirmisher, Mr. West.

Thank you, captain,
but I had the advantage.

I'm on home ground.

Dreadful, uncooperative cards.

Are we going to
spend another night

in this terrible
prairie, Gregor?

No, auntie, we shall
break camp at once.

We should reach the
house of Petrovsky

before nightfall.

Petrovsky is a
Korovnian compatriot,

who emigrated here and
became rich and famous

in your land of opportunity.

Captain? I'll tend
to your orders.

Do make yourself
comfortable, Mr. West.

My niece, Princess
Lina, will extend to you

our famous
Korovnian hospitality.


Tea, Mr. West?

Yes, thank you.

Tea, Maria.

Tell me, Mr. West,

are we in any danger from
the hordes of Red Indians

I've read so much about?

Oh, they've got a lot
more to fear from us,

I can assure you.

Ah... Oh.

Clumsy fool.

Yes, aren't we?

I will never get
used to the customs

of your country, Mr. West.

I'm beginning to think
I'll never understand

the customs of your country.

Y-you're very kind, sir.

And you're very pretty.

It's my pleasure.

American buffalo.

What beautiful beasts.

And what a wonderful addition
to our collection of hides.

You dare.

Your Highness,
you're in Indian country,

and according to our
treaty with the Indian,

only they can hunt the buffalo.

Not even visiting royalty?

No, Your Highness,
not even visiting royalty.

Oh, of course. This is America.

Mr. West is right
again, captain.

The rules of the house prevail.

Thank you.

One day, Mr. West,
you may not be right,

and you'll have
to pay a forfeit.


Petrovsky's house is up ahead.


Yotra Petrovsky, you
entertain handsomely.

Old World food and hospitality

in the new land.

This feast alone
would be worth the trip

halfway around the world.

I'm humbly honored,
Your Highness.

We are all honored.

To our deliverance

from the dreadful
perils of the prairie.

And let us all
drink to our host.

And to his fine house.

Na zdorovye. ALL: Na zdorovye.

And let us all drink...

to my late,

and beloved husband.

Ivan Ivanovitch.

Killed by that
fiend, Balkovitch.

Not only has he
torn my heart apart,

but my country as well.

There, there, auntie.

Go ahead,

hate me for spoiling the party.

No, no.

Crying purifies the heart.

Oh, my dear one. Hush.


You are Hungarian. I know.

You will understand.

We had no children.

Ivan Ivanovitch and I

look upon Lina...

and Kreesha as our very own.

Dear Ivan Ivanovitch.

Our country's in chaos.

When the people are united

under the leadership

of his nephew,

his dearest wishes
will be fulfilled.

If I may be permitted a toast...

May peace come
quickly to Korovnia,

and may Count
Balkovitch and his followers

return to the hell
they sprang from.

And now, my toast.

To my brother's
impending marriage

to the Countess Elaina.

It is too soon to be
talking of marriage,

while the rivers of
Korovnia still run red.

And now, if an outsider
may make a toast.

Outsider? You are
one of us, Mr. West.

Thank you. To
your American visit.

May it be filled with pleasure.

Maria, you will dance for us.

No, Your Highness, I dare not.

I command you.

Come on, Maria, dance.
Yes, dance, come on.

Come on, Nikolai.

Okay, Nikolai, come on.

Stop it.

Stop it.

That is a disgusting display.

Bravo, sister.

Your education in
Vienna and Paris

has not been wasted.

You've learned how to
make a servant girl cry.

More wine, music.

This is a night for merriment
and laughter, isn't it?

Poor Lina,

so young,

so easily shocked,

to discover that her brother...

Prince though he is.

Is a man.

With a man's eye
for a shapely wench.

Even my darling Ivan Ivanovitch,

could not resist
pinching a servant girl

from time to time.

It was a disgusting,
abandoned display.

Forgive me, Your Highness.

Not your dancing,

my sister's outburst.

She has a sharp tongue,

but she would never
do anything deliberately

to hurt you.

No, Your Highness,

it was all my fault.


I made a spectacle of myself

in front of everybody.

It was I who commanded you, huh?


you dance delectably.

Oh, Your... Your Highness.

Oh, Your Highness.

You know something?


I-I don't think that-that
horse cares very much

for a crying woman, either.

Oh, Your Highness,

I love you.


Oh... Oh, Gregor.

Oh, Mr. West.

Mr. West, help him.

No, no.

He's all right.
He's just stunned.



Oh, no, no.

Auntie, thank you to Mr. West,

I'm all right.

Balkovitch's men?

I'm afraid so, captain.

How many were there?

I don't know.

Search the grounds at once.

Oh, thank you.

We are in your debt, sir.

If there is any way I
can repay the favor...

You can, and right now.

How, Mr. West?

Who is this Balkovitch,

and why is he
trying so desperately

to capture you?

Yes, I think you have
earned our confidence.

But let's talk about
this in the house, huh?

Kreesha, are you
really all right?

You had me
frightened. Yes, auntie.

Now, stop clucking.

Howdy, sheriff.

Seem to be quite a few people
leaving town around here.

Yep, account of the shootin'.

Oh? Has there
been some shooting?

Well, strictly speakin',

it ain't started yet.

You mean you're expecting it?

I'm dead certain
of it. C-careful now.

You know, up till now,

this has been a nice,
peaceful little settlement.

Full of Russians, you know.

Yes, so I understand.

Look, sheriff, there's a
Prince Gregor of Koroff,

visiting royalty, who will be
coming to town here soon.

Well, now that's one problem.

That's why folks
are all leavin' town.

They don't want to be around
when the two get together.

Two parties?

Who's the other?

Oh, fella named Balkovitch,

who don't exactly
write love letters

to that prince friend of yours.

He's got quite a group with him.

And I'll give you
a piece of advice.

Tell that prince to
stay clear of the town.

Prince Gregor happens
to be an official guest

of our country, sheriff.

So if you don't mind, the
United States government

would appreciate something
more substantial than just advice,

like maybe a little
help from you.

Well, now, that's
the other problem.

I got no deputies,

uh, Mr. Gordon.

And seeing as how
this is not a local matter,

I don't see or hear nothin'.

I don't relish getting
caught up in an argument

that crossed half a
world to light here.

Tell me something, sheriff,

if shooting did
happen to break out,

don't you think it just possible

that some local
people might get hurt?

Well, now, that's
usually the case.

'Course, if you got a victim
and you show me the killer,

I'll be happy to use the badge.

Well, it's nice to know
that you're really there

when the chips are down.

Well, now, look at it my way,

I'll still be here when
both sides are in and out,

and then I can go
back to haulin' in drunks

and light-fingered Charlies.

You know, up till now,

a stolen horse was a crime wave.

Always wonderful to find a man

who upholds the high standards

of his office, sheriff.

Well, if it's any
consolation to you...

What'd you say your name was?


Well, Mr. Gordon, if it's
any consolation to you,

when the other
party comes to me,

my answer will be the same.

Well, thank you very,
very much, sheriff.

That makes everything just fine.

Uh, what did you say the
name of that other party was?



Oh, I'm sorry
about that, sheriff.

Auntie, auntie...

Please stop clucking.

I'm all right.

Now I know that
Balkovitch or his men

were our late visitors.

What is it they wanted?

The same thing we want,

the royal icon, the
Virgin of Kirovgrad.

Many years ago,

when our people first came
to settle here in America,

our bishop brought
with him the sacred icon

to bless the settlement
of New Petersburg.

The icon is the spiritual
symbol of leadership.

Whoever possesses it can
reunite Korovnia and rule.

He wants the icon
and your throne.

Mm. He is an evil pretender

who will stop at
nothing to rule.

Ever since he
slaughtered my husband,

there has been nothing
but civil war and killings.

Because of him, many
of our people have fled.

Only the icon's return
can bring peace again.

Now you know, Mr. West.

I know what the icon is

and that it's in New Petersburg,

but as to who has it...

Only I know that,

and I'd rather not reveal it.

Providence forbid, Gregor,

if something should
happen to you...


That knowledge
imposes a heavy burden.

It's too dangerous for
anyone else to share.

Here, with the good wishes
of our master Petrovsky.

To warm you on
this bitter night.

It is a bitter night.

Hey, vodka for
the pure at heart,

and the thirsty.

Yes, but we are on guard duty.

This bottle, see
how it fits the hand?

As gracefully shaped as a woman.

Huh? Drink.

Drink, drink.


They're like the dead.

These men aren't drunk.
They've been drugged.

Mr. West?

Mr. West.

Mr. West?

Mr. West, uh, Balkovitch

and his men are in the house.

I am here under a flag of truce.

What do you want?

What would you say if I told you

I have an offer for you?

I would say, "beware

of murderous
tartars bearing gifts."

Korovnia is torn apart.

There could be
peace, if we desire it.

Most interesting,
Count Balkovitch,

considering your past efforts

at plunging our
country into chaos.

But tell me what you propose,

uh, to achieve this peace.

Our houses are
both old and honored.



why should we fight

when we can unite,

if representatives
of both our houses,

should merge into the
bonds of matrimony?

You, for instance?

And Princess Lina.

Steady, captain.

So we have a voice
of reason among us.

You refuse to negotiate?

Your flag of truce is soiled.

I suggest you leave at once.

Come on.

You've interfered
with me and my men

for the last time, Mr. West.

Captain, I'm sure you realize

we're hopelessly outnumbered.

Why invite Balkovitch's attack?

Forgive me, Your Highness.

What do we do now?

We stay here,
we're sitting ducks.

I suggest we move
on to New Petersburg.

I say we do not.

There's little cover and
much chance of an ambush.

We should wait for
my men to recover.

More important even
than life itself is the icon.

It must be secured.

You frightened me, Artie.

Hello, James.

You got a full moon. It's a
great night for werewolves.

Yeah, and Balkovitch.

Oh, I've heard
about that gentleman.

Any sign of him yet?

No sign.

Captain, this is my
partner, Artemus Gordon.

How do you do?
Princess Lina is missing.

I've searched the entire camp.

Oh, I got your note.

Why did you want
to meet me out here?

Your temper, princess,

is exceeded only by your beauty.

I am not a man who
is easily dissuaded

from his own purpose.

Consider again what
it means to Korovnia,

after all these generations,

to arrange an amicable liaison

between our two great families.

I would sooner take
the vows with a toad.

You may be noble
and self-sacrificial

as far as your own
person is concerned,

but when it will cost the
life of your regal brother...

If it comes to that,
my brother knows how

to die without whimpering.

Oh, yes.

So thought your uncle, the
late Grand Duke Ivan Koroff.

I could have succeeded then,

had he not sent
the icon to America

before I had him killed.

Do you want to go free?

Do you want to spare
the life of your brother?

Then tell me,

where in New
Petersburg the icon is.

The icon...

Where is it?

I would sooner die.

Princess, you've only
seen my better side

up till now.

That's all she's going
to see. Don't move.

All right.

If I must trade
the icon for Lina,

then that is what I will do.

Your Highness, that's the
worst possible thing you could do.

Count Balkovitch has
abducted the princess

for only one reason.

That's to force you
to give up the icon

in exchange for her release.

Exactly. Why shouldn't I?

What's to assure you
that he won't kill her

after he receives the icon?


What can I do?

I think it's important we leave
for New Petersburg immediately,

because if he gets his
hands on that icon first,

the princess is in real trouble.

He won't even need
her then as a hostage.

Prince Gregor, you overruled me

in leaving the safety
of Petrovsky's house.

You overrule me again
now if you listen to them.

Captain Zaboff,

this is no time
for recriminations.

We must leave at once.

Mr. West, when this
ugly business is finished,

you and I have much to settle.

Boy, I'd sure love
to have a sample

of his handwriting.

Why, Artie?

Here, I found this note

in the clearing where
Lina was kidnapped.

In Russian.

Which, as it
happens, I can't read.

I can talk it, but
I can't read it.

Well, that's not much good

unless you can
translate it, is it?

Artie, anyone else
know about this note?

Haven't shown it
to anybody else.

I want to know what it
really says before somebody

tells me something different.

I got a feeling somebody
here might have

set the princess
up for the kidnap.

We'll find someone
in New Petersburg

that can translate that note.

Let's get going, Artie.



Thank you, captain.

This is not quite the
lavish reception I expected.

Well, it's better
than the reception

Balkovitch has planned for you.

Listen, I've made arrangements
for rooms over at the hotel.

Why don't I go over and see
what kind of help I can get...?

Captain, will you
escort the women

to their quarters at once?

Excuse me, Mr. West.

There is something
I must attend to.

The icon.


Good. Then maybe
I'll just stick with you.

Huh, prince?

Come along.


I am Prince Gregor
Koroff of Korovnia.

Welcome, Your Highness.

Your visit has been anticipated.

I am pleased.

Shall we get to the point?

The Lord watch
between me and thee...

While we are absent,

one from another.

Prince Gregor.

Bishop Kucharyk.

You were a mere boy
when I left Korovnia

with the icon and
half the medallion.

How I have longed to
see the blessed symbol

returned to rightful hands.

It is here.

Excuse me, Father.

Mr. West.

The sacred icon.

Dear Holy Mother,

please, send Princess Lina

back safely to us.

She will. I promise you that.

But when, merciful heaven?

Prince Gregor.

A word with Your Most
Serene Royal Highness.

Interested in a
trade, Your Highness?

One slightly frayed princess

for an old icon?

And you have until the morning

before this offer is withdrawn.


Where is he?

A precious half-hour
is almost gone,

and still Mr. West is not back.

He'll be here.

Your Highness, let me
go after the princess.

My life's not important.

No, Zaboff.

Your death would not
bring my sister back.

Besides, I promised Mr. West

I would wait a half an hour.

minutes by the watch.

Two minutes to spare.

Well, anyone we know?

Artie, this is one
of Balkovitch's men.

I have a feeling
when he comes to,

he's gonna tell us who
Balkovitch is working with.

It's someone in
your group, prince.

That's not possible.

On the contrary,
Your Highness, it is.

We'll prove it once
this man comes to.

Artie, do you have the
key to the storeroom?

Oh, yeah, sure.

Well, let's lock him up, huh?


Sorry to upset
your plans, duchess.

Just make yourself
comfortable, huh?

Na zdorovye.

How soon, count?

Ah, perhaps a few minutes.

We've all prepared? Good.

Someone is coming
from the hotel.

My blessings upon you all,

and, uh, I would like to
talk with Count Balkovitch,

if you please.

I am Count Balkovitch.

And you?

The humble bearer of an icon.

Ah. The sacred icon.

Even so.

But first,

a promise of
forgiveness and mercy

for the prince and his family.

Yes, yes.

The springs of
mercy and forgiveness

are deep within me,
of course, of course.

Oh, Count Balkovitch,

twice blessed is he

who raises up his
enemies from the dust

and binds up his
wounds. Yes, yes, yes.

The icon, the icon. And in you,

I see a man generous in spirit,

forgiving as can be.

Indeed, a philosopher
of the world,

in a manner of speaking.

It might, perhaps,
not be too much to say

that your noble heart...

Now, listen, Father,

I am not a patient man.

I-I would not keep from you...

what you wish.


I'll take it from here.

Well. Well done, sheriff.

What made you change your mind?

Oh, I forgot to tell you,

I always go with the hot hand.

Oh, well, if you'd like to
fill it out to the royal flush,

the queen card is locked
down in the storm cellar.

West, I admit
having been a fool.

Accept my apologies.

Accepted, captain.

I must know.

How did you suspect
that my Aunt Sophia

was in sympathy with Balkovitch?

Well, the priest
translated the note

that lured the princess
to the meeting place.

It was addressed to "Linichka,"

which, in Korovnia, I was told,

is a term of familiar endearment

usually used by an
older person to a younger.

Well, only royalty could
address royalty so familiarly.


But why did she do it?

Very simple.

She knew that once Prince
Gregor assumed the throne,

she would be driven from power.


I must ask one more favor
of you gentlemen, huh?

Yes. I would be honored

if you would come to Korovnia
and witness my coronation.

Well, of course. By all means.

- It'd be a pleasure.
- And his marriage.

Well, congratulations,
Your Highness.

Your Highness, you know,
there's another American custom.

Oh? What is that?
Uh, kissing the bride.


After the ceremony.