The Wild Wild West (1965–1969): Season 1, Episode 11 - The Night of the Red-Eyed Madmen - full transcript

A madman with a private army and an unusual political philosophy has designs on the Southwestern United States! His tactics are simple: superiority of individual soldiers, supported by subterfuge, will win the day, ensuring the land is ruled by the 'right kind of people.' And he might be right: his soldiers are as well trained as Jim West! If Jim and Artie cannot infiltrate his camp and put a stop to his plans, the United States may lose a good chunk of its land...

The devil?!

No, sir, Secret Service.

We're here on urgent
business, Mr. Taney.

All right, Sloane.

Now, mister...?

Mr. West and Mr. Gordon.
Do exactly as we say.

Order everyone
out of this house.


I'll be hanged if I
do. Why should I?

Now that I have your
undivided attention, gentlemen,

just what is this all about?

Mr. Taney...

What is it? An earthquake?

You might call it that.

Only a very special kind.


Let's get out. Right.

Get everyone out,
Taney! I'll take care of this.

I liked it better the
other way, Artie.

I knew a pretty face
would bring you around.

How about an introduction?

Of course. This is
Arden Masterson,

Colonel Richmond's
new assistant.

How do you do,
Arden, and welcome.

Thank you. We were all
pretty worried about you.

Are you all right now?

I'm fine. My head's
just a little fuzzy,

but aside from
that I'm... I'm fine.

Uh, uh, that's General
Caswell over here.

General Caswell is head

of army ordnance development.

This is my associate,
Mr. James West.

How do you do, general?

Mr. West.

Artie, what about the wagon?

Oh, I'm sorry,
Jim, but that house

was disintegrating
around me so fast,

by the time I
herded everyone out,

the wagon was gone.

And the thugs
that I tangled with?

Now, gentlemen,
let's get down to cases.

Now, I'm an artilleryman.

My business is
demolishing things.

And your particular interest

is in how the Taney house
was demolished, right, sir?

Yes, the Bergin house,
the Coughlin house.

I understand you got
within spitting distance

of that wagon.

Yes, sir, I did.

What sort of infernal machine

did they have aboard?

Well, I think I can
answer that, general,

if you'd just be good
enough to follow me.

Come on in, general. Uh,
disregard the equipment.

I think it's a
tuning fork device.

That demolishes houses?

Keep going, Artie.

Back in 1711, John Shore
invented the tuning fork.

Ever since then,
many scientists,

including Kovacs,
Helmholtz, and others,

speculated on the possibility
that it could be used to send

appreciable amounts of energy
over considerable distances.

Whoever destroyed Taney's
house and the other houses

simply succeeded
in achieving it at last.

Gentlemen, I think I've
wasted enough of your time.

Uh, general...

Interesting demonstration.

Tuning fork, huh?

It would be a much
larger one, of course.

And a good deal
more deadly, sir.

Gentlemen, in the
interest of national security

I think we'd better
round that thing up.

That's what we
intend to do, sir.

I'll place a regiment
at your disposal.

Two, if you like.

Uh, thank you very much,
general, but no thanks.

What we want to do is
coax that little black wagon

out again, not frighten it off.

Then what? Then, sir,

we're gonna try and find
out who it is behind all this.

Oh. How's this for openers, Jim?

I didn't get a chance to
show that to you before.

I found it in the rubble of
what used to be Taney's home.

What is it? It's a letter

from the Cyclops Insurance
Company to Taney.

Suggesting that Mr. Taney
might be interested

in taking out some of
their household insurance.

Well, I fail to see
the importance

of a letter from an
insurance company.


The company is no
more than one month old.

There is no record of anyone

buying an insurance
policy from the company.

And I fail to see the
importance of that.

There's a fine fishy smell
about this company, general.

Extremely high premiums.

Johnny-come-lately status.

And now that I know
the name of the company,

I think I'll drop by
and pay it a visit.

Good. While you're doing that,

I'll rub shoulders
with the wealthy set.

See whether any of the others

have been approached as well.

And how do you go about
rubbing shoulders with the wealthy?

Well, I'll talk my way
into the Midas Club,

where only tycoons of
long standing are permitted.


I don't know, gentlemen.

I don't know whether
to play it your way,

or to blanket the
area with troops

and make a
house-to-house search.

All right, gentlemen,
we'll play it your way.

Mr. Gordon?

Yes, sir.

Is there something I can
do for the Secret Service?

Yes, sir, there's a
little insurance matter

I'd like to discuss with you.

Well, it's comforting to
know that the Secret Service

now handles insurance,
but I have all I need.

I'm delighted to hear that.

This involves the Cyclops
Insurance Corporation.

Mr. Gordon, I think
you'd better come up.

Gentlemen, we
have a development.

We certainly have.

Morton has just raised you 500.

Are you in or out?

I was referring to our visitor

from the Secret
Service, Mr. Gordon.


I'll call the raise.

And these gentlemen are...

I know, sir.
Mr. Shilling, Mr. Nay,

Mr. Crandle, Mr. Decamp,

Mr. Freitag...

I'll call your 500.

And, of course, Mr. Taney.

Well, gentlemen,
it seems as though

our little group is
not entirely unknown.

Not at all, sir.

It would be interesting to
know just how many boards

of major corporations
in this country

are controlled by the little
group assembled here.

Quite a few, I should imagine.

You came up here all this
way just to tell us that, huh?

Not at all, sir.

I came all this way
simply to ask a question.

Have any other of you
gentlemen been approached

by the Cyclops
Insurance Corporation?

We all have. What about it?

I hope you decided to ignore

their offer of insurance.

Oh, sure.

That's what I did,

and so did Bergin and Coughlin.

Look what happened to us.

Gentlemen, we know
a good deal more

about what we're facing now.

If you don't subscribe,

it will give us
time to investigate.

We'll be ready and
waiting for any reprisals.

I can guarantee that.

Can you guarantee
when it's all over

that their houses
will still be standing?

No, sir, I can't guarantee that.

But I can guarantee
you this, gentlemen,

if you do subscribe

to the Cyclops Insurance
Company's policy,

you won't be buying
any insurance.

You'll be knuckling
under to extortion

at an ever-increasing price.

Young man, as
you've been talking,

I have just made more money
than you will probably make

in your whole lifetime.


So you see, as high as they are,

I can afford to pay the
Cyclops Insurance Premiums.

I was hoping you'd feel
you could afford not to.

I open.

Besides, if you should
happen to nab the extortionists,

we could always pull
out, don't you see?

Could you? I wonder.

Good afternoon, gentlemen.

Two cards.



Get me a drink, will you?

You know...

you gentlemen are all like
the young lady from Niger

who smiled as
she rode on a tiger.

What kind of nonsense is that?

They returned from the
ride with the lady inside

and the smile on
the face of the tiger.

Have a pleasant ride, gentlemen.

Excuse me.


My name's James West.

I'd like to see Mr. Singleton.

I'm sorry, sir.

What are you sorry about?

About your wanting
to see Mr. Singleton.

He gave strict orders he
was not to be disturbed.

Well, why don't you
try and disturb him?

I couldn't do that.

You see, I've come
a long, long way

to see Mr. Singleton.

Why don't you tell him
that for me, please?

Excuse me, Mr. Singleton,

but there's a gentleman
here by the name of...

Miss Lister, I
distinctly told you

I was not to be disturbed.

See what I mean?

It was a nice try, Miss Lister,

but seeing as how Mr. Singleton

won't come out here to see me,

I'll just wander in to see him.

It wasn't such a good
idea after all, Miss Lister.


Miss Lister, I dis...

Get him!

Miss Lister, I
distinctly told you

I was not to be dist...

It's him.

It's got to be him.

Got to be who, Artie?

Hey, isn't anyone gonna eat?

No, thank you. Yeah. Uh...

According to my theory,

a certain Dr. Tyborg
Kovacs, that's who.

Oh, that's the
scientist that was jailed

for selling classified

I remember. Right, right.

Look, whoever is
behind all this destruction

would, of necessity,
have to be an expert

on tuning forks, wouldn't he?


How many of Kovacs'
scientific papers

did you dig up, Arden?

Over two dozen.

Covering such phases

as propagation
of acoustic waves,

augmented resonance,
energy transmission, et cetera.

All part of his basic
research on tuning forks.

See what I mean?

Yeah, he had tuning
forks on his mind.

I assume the doctor's
out of jail by now?

Oh, he's been
out for over a year.

You know, the one
thing really lacking...

is a solid clue.

One really solid lead that
links Kovacs to this case.

Artie, do you have any
idea what he weighs?

You got that in
your files, Arden?


According to the prison
record, 284 pounds.

284 pounds.

Artie, here's that
nice link you wanted.

Two-hundred eighty
four and a half, 284,


They're weight
and fortune cards.

Where'd you find these?

There's a collection of those.

Cyclops Insurance office.

Excuse me, I understand
what you're getting at...

Singleton is really Dr. Kovacs.

But why would he
go out of his way

to accumulate all those cards?

Oh, it's just a fat
man's habit is all.

Every morning he gets up,
weighs himself on the scale,

takes the card
back to the office,

compares it with what he
weighed the week before.

Or, uh, what he weighed
the week before that,

or what he weighed
the month before.

Fat men have a habit of...

Where are you going, Jim?

It's an unusual weight
and fortune card,

wouldn't you say, Artie?

Yeah, I never saw
anything like it before.

Artie, it occurs to me
if I find the machine

those cards came out of,

I'm gonna be very
close to the man himself.


He's absolutely right.

The cardinal rule in
all crime detection.

Cherchez la weight disk.

We won't need this anymore.

What's this?

Moelleux Chablis,

consommé royale avec
cerises a belle grandé,

saumon glacé.

It's just a menu, isn't it?

Just a menu?

It's a gourmet's delight,

a le culinaire repast,
an epicurean...

Arden, my lovely,

I think we're really
onto something.

What is it?

The weight disks
of a very fat man

and a gourmet's menu.

They go together just
fine, wouldn't you say?

Oh, a moelleux Chablis!

Consommé royale avec
cerises a belle grandé.

Parfait! I quite agree.

Now, if you could tell me
what restaurant serves...

Saumon glacé à la Chambord.

Avec Sauternes.

Très bien. Formidable!

You're quite right. Now,
where would I be likely to find...

Boudin blanc à la...
Marcel, Marcel, Marcel!


Please, I beg of you, this
is of the utmost importance.

What restaurant
would be likely to serve

a menu like this?

Ah, Monsieur
Gordon, if I knew that,

I would consume
every meal there.

You mean, you don't know?

Well, in, uh... In, uh...

In Paris, in Lyons, in
the Provence... Huh?

Oh, merci, non.
- -Mais oui.

But in America...

I see.

Well, thank you very
much, Marcel. Au revoir.

I'm sorry, monsieur.

Of course, there is
the Epicurean Society.

The Epicurean Society
serves a menu like this?

Well, I... I have heard it said

that the most renowned gourmets

gather from every
part of the globe

to savor their cuisine.

C'est merveilleux.

Now, if you'd just
be good enough

to tell me where it is,
we'll drop by and, uh, visit...

Oh, impossible.

You mean, non?

Definitely non, monsieur.

You see, the Epicurean
Society admits no one

who is not a member,

and one cannot
apply for membership.

One is selected by
secret ballot only,

and then told.

So you see, for an
outsider to attend,

impossible... Oh, pardon.
- -impossible.

And now, will you
care to excuse me?

Oui. Oui.

Au revoir, Marcel. Vous
êtes bien gentil. Merci.

Uh, pardon, monsieur. Uh...

Oh. Oh, merci,
enchanté, monsieur.

Au revoir. Au revoir.

Au revoir, Marcel. Merci bien.

A total loss.

Well, not completely.

The artichoke
hearts were delicious.

I mean, look, even if you could

get into the Epicurean Society,

how would you
recognize Dr. Kovacs?

Do you know what he looks like?

No, but I think it
would be very difficult

to overlook a man
who weighs 284 pounds.

May I help you, ma'am?

There you are.

Hmm. Bye.

Would you like me to
help you with that, son?

Mm-hm. Thank you.

Pleasure. Go ahead.

That's very good.
What's your name?


Mine's Jim. Just a
suggestion, Joseph.

Shorten up your
punch. Don't pull it back.

Fire from there.


You're welcome.


All pennies, please.

That's what I
like, a big spender.

Thank you.

I hate to ask silly
questions, but...

Oh... Oh, you mean...
It's... It's a hobby of mine.

A hobby?

Oh, yeah, it's a hobby like
people who collect sea shells

and stamps and bath
towels from hotels.

Mine's... Mine's
weighing myself.

Seems like kind of a
waste of pennies, ain't it?

I mean, you seem like you're
in pretty good shape to me.

Oh, it's not my
shape that's important.

It's the shape of the cards.

Yeah, like what, for instance?

A shape like this, for instance.

I never saw anything like it.

What's so important
about it anyway?

It's my collection. It's
very important to me.

Thank you anyway.

Hey, there's a warehouse
on Maritime Street.

The Arcade Supply Company.

They service all our machines.

Oh, please, don't stop.
What's the address?

I think it's in the 700 block.

If anybody would have
what you're looking for,

they would.

Thank you very much.

If I can ever
return the favor...

Yeah, I'll do that.


Beautiful, Salvatore.

Gràzie, signóre.

They will soon be here.

Everything is in
readiness, I hope?

Sí, signóre. Down
to the last detail.



There is one small problem.

The soufflé Bellevue has fallen?

Oh, no, no, no, no, maestro.

The soufflé remains
erect with pride.

It is about your
distinguished guests.


Should I not know the names

so that I may greet
them with appropriate...


You are a waiter, not a greeter.

Signóre, in Roma I was both.

Let me tell you
something, Salvatore.

The members of
the Epicurean Society

give themselves up completely
to the savoring of food.

They have no desire to
be greeted by waiters or...

They are here.

I must see to the côtelettes.

This wine is superb.


The selection committee
has outdone itself this time.


The soufflé is delicious.


The best I've had since Maxim's.


I disagree, signorína.

Scusa, that I tell you so free.

I forget myself for a minute.

Indeed? Why do you disagree?

Why bother, Miss Lightfoot?

The man's only a waiter.

Because there are
sermons in stones,

as dear Master Shakespeare
reminds us. Go on.

Well, signorína, forgive me,

but the white sauce one
can give big applause.

It is pure heaven,
but the soufflé...

If it had a pinch
less oregano, oh...

Hey, so I'm a little late.

Well, come on,
what's the big deal?

Hey, Pasquale! Well,
what are you waiting for?

Come on, serve the grub, huh.

Sí, signóre. Prèsto.
Well, come on.

What have we got here?

Little wine, huh?

Boy, it's weak.

Hey, you people look hungry.

Well, come on, eat,
eat! We'll talk later.

Hey, Pasquale,

what kind of a joint
do you run here?

Where's the ketchup?

Ketchup? Ketchup.

I mean, ketchup.

Well, come on, come on!

Sí, signóre, ketchup.

The help nowadays.

Come on with the ketchup!

Sí, si, signóre.

Mm, good.

Very good.

How do you explain
this, maestro?

According to the
bylaws of the society,

a regular member may
send a guest in his place.

That, Salvatore, is the guest.

One cannot help but wonder

who the regular member would be.

No penny necessary.
This one is on the house.

The fortune is the
best part of this card.

Why don't you read it?

"Today, a special
point should be made...

to beware of
unfriendly Cyclops."

So help me, Salvatore,

I think I'm going to be sick.

Look at the way he's
wiping the plate with...

What are you doing?!

Scúsa, signóre, but
do you have toothpicks

for your honored guest?

Toothpick?! Here?

Every hash house
should have toothpicks.

Well, in case anybody
here is interested...

As one gourmet to another,

how did you enjoy the cuisine?

Well, I ain't had any of
that, uh, cuisine, lady,

but I'll tell you one thing,

the ketchup in this
joint is okay, see?

Hey, Pasquale,
you got a lot to learn

about running a restaurant.

Where do you
keep the toothpicks?

I give this joint one month.

Out of business.

Where are you going?

I quit.

I am not working
in no hash house.

Well, you finally
decided to join us?

I hope I didn't keep
you waiting, doctor.

Doctor? I?

Dr. Kovacs.

Although I must compliment you

on the fine job
of playing Taney.

You hear that, boys?
I'm finally unmasked.

Nothing like pulling
down some time in prison

to get rid of excess weight.

All my life I've
indulged my taste

for exquisitely prepared foods.

Can you imagine what
that prison menu did to me?

I would imagine
about 115 pounds.

120 to be precise.

The rest was easy.

You assumed a new name

and passed yourself
off as a wealthy financier.

You don't mind my
assistants trying out

their freshly refurbished
shooting gallery, I hope.

Under the
circumstances, not at all.

You see, repairing
and refurbishing

penny arcade machines and
amusements is my business.

You mean your front.

You also tinker with tuning
forks that demolish houses.

Not houses, Mr. West, mansions.

Mansions of the very,
very rich, remember?


So little tuning
fork's going to have

an enormous big brother?

That's right, and can
you possibly imagine

what an appetite for
money big brother has had?

All those expensive months
of designing, computing,

and then the ordeals and trials

of casting, forging,
machining, and assembling,

and the testing yet to come?

But, for what real
purpose, doctor?

Well, it seems
that a government,

not our own government,

is very interested
in my little device,

and prepared to pay
quite generously, of course.

A government whose military
knows that a device like this

can disintegrate ships,
cannon, fortifications...

Even our own, perhaps?

Quite possibly. Yes,
as a matter of fact.

Someone approaching, Mr. West.

Deliverance for you, perhaps?

Well... Well, how was it?

Okay, I guess.

You were privileged
to draw up a chair

at the Epicurean Society table,

and you tell me it
was "Okay, I guess"?

What do you want me to say?

Well, say that for a
brief, golden moment,

you were suspended
between heaven and hell.

Say that for a
brief, brief moment,

the wings of a pure,
unalloyed rapture

brushed against you.

That your earthbound grossness
fell away from you. That...

Durkin, the saumon glacé
au feu à la Chambord...

How was that?

You mean the fish?

Oh, it was okay,
if you like fish,

which I don't.

Did you hear that?
Did you hear that?

He doesn't like saumon
glacé au feu à la Chambord.

Pearls before swine.

And I suppose the
boudin blanc à la Richelieu

gives you boils, huh?

And the consommé
royale avec cerises belle

gives you dyspepsia,
is that right?

Why, you swinish lout!

Here, do the one
thing you can do well.

Get rid of him.

Where in blue blazes did
all you folks come from?


Did I hear you say something

or are you one of them mumblers?

Who are you?

Well, I ain't Little
Lord Fauntleroy, bub.

I'm the city gas inspector.

All right, what do
you want, old-timer?

First thing you can do is
change that tune of yours, sonny.

"Old man," is it?

I'll Indian-wrestle you!
Three falls out of three!

Get out of here.

Get... Is that...

All right, fatso, then
I'll Indian-wrestle you.

Three falls out of
three and the loser...

Well? Well, then, how about you?

I'll Indian-wrestle you

with one hand tied
behind my back.

And that's not...


Hey, that's something.

A shooting gallery!

Oh, let me have a
shot at that, eh, bub?

Look, what are you
doing here anyway?

Well, if you must know, I
am responding to a complaint

about a gas leak
on the premises.

Let me have a shot, huh, sonny?

You're wrong. There's
no gas leak here.

Don't you tell me nothing
about no gas leaks.

I may not be able
to see so good,

but I can sure smell up a storm.

And what I can't smell,
Myrtle here can, see?

One whiff of gas and
she topples over, see?

Come on now! Come on
now! Let me have a shot, huh?

I bet you I can shoot the
eye right off of that dummy.

All right, old-timer.

Why not?

Artie, the control panel!

No, no, don't!


Away from the door, please.

I owe both of you so much.

I owe you both lingering deaths

with all the lingering awareness

of the indescribable
pain you're suffering,

but I haven't got
time for that, so...

Think Dr. Kovacs believes
in these fortunes, Jim?

I don't know, Artie.
What does it say?

"You're about to start
on a long, long journey."

He better believe in that one.

Ladies, this is
Artie's special retreat

where he often tinkers.

Oh, would you look at this, Dee?

Yeah, I'm looking.

I've never seen
anything so fascinating.

Well, now that we've
had the grand tour,

shall we get started?

I've got a table
waiting for dinner.

Oh, yes.

Artie does a
marvelous trick, girls.

Would you like to see it? Yeah.

The girls wouldn't
want to see that.

- Yeah, we would.
- We wouldn't miss it.

Artie, we have plenty of time.

Here, hold that.

Are you sure this would
be interesting for you?


Well, all right.

Uh, hold that glass
away from you

so you don't get hurt
when it gets shattered, huh.

Now, the whole principle of this

is to set up a
resonating vibration

which, when
aimed at the glass...


sets up a sympathetic
vibration in the glass that...

Some days a guy can't
even make a chime.

No, i-it'll work.
Artie, may I please?

Sure, be my guest.

I'll be very careful.



It's, uh, one of those
bad tuning forks.

This may be one
of our bad nights.

Shall we get started, ladies?

A tuning fork? Really, Mr. West.

I'm very sorry.

Well, now that we've had
our little demonstration,

ladies, please.

Artie, she got it to work.