The Who Was? Show (2018): Season 1, Episode 13 - Julius Caesar & Bruce Lee - full transcript

Ha, ha! Hello.

My fellow historical friends,
it is I, Julius Caesar, emperor of Rome,

here to inform you that you're no longer
needed. Blanket, hair, pass.

Cleopatra, I love you. Go. Go.

She is something.

Ah. Vamoose. This entire episode will be
dedicated to history's greatest man, me.

Why did everybody leave?
Did somebody fart? You?

-Who are you?
-Who am I? Let's tell him, boys, hit it.

- ♪ All hail Caesar ♪
- ♪ Hail Caesar ♪

♪ That's me ♪

♪ The brilliant Roman ruler from 100 BC ♪



♪ Noble descendant of gods and of kings ♪

♪ Supreme high commander
Of nearly everything ♪

-♪ All hail Caesar ♪
-♪ Hail Caesar ♪

♪ Right, I conquered Gaul and Egypt
With intellect and might ♪

♪ Whoever crosses me
Better know how to fight ♪

♪ Or kneel and holler, all hail Caesar ♪

-♪ All hail Caesar ♪
-♪ Hail Caesar, salute ♪

♪ Beloved by all the people
I did not execute ♪

♪ As fearsome in a courtroom
As I was in a war ♪

♪ Dictator for life
Though I would've served more ♪

♪ I'm brave and relentless
Humble to the core ♪

♪ So, all hail Caesar ♪

♪ Julius Caesar ♪

♪ All hail Caesar ♪



Put me down. Put me down.

Yeah. That was an acceptable introduction.
Now, let's prepare for the show.

I enter new lands and I take over.
That's what I do. Get out! Go on!

-Leave. Go, go, go!
-Go, go, go.

Hey.
He could've killed somebody with this.

He did!

What do you mean--? Oh, a hand.
It's not one of mine. Whoo.

Caesar just crushed
an historical character.

Wait. I think I see a finger moving.
Whoever it is is alive.

♪ They were more than
Just some famous names ♪

♪ They were brilliant, brave
A bit insane ♪

♪ And against all odds
They changed the game ♪

♪ What was going on inside their brains? ♪

♪ These are not your average Joes ♪

♪ They did stuff the whole world knows ♪

♪ They're the superstars
Of The Who Was Show ♪

♪ This is The Who Was Show ♪

♪ This is The Who Was Show ♪

Stand back. I have enough room
under this rock to do my one-inch punch.

Whoa, whoa!

Brucie.

Bruce Lee.

I dedicated my life to making my body
a temple of health.

Granite and a Roman emperor
can't stop me.

We just found our second person.

Brucie will be in this episode?

This is the seventh-happiest day
of my life. The sixth--

We don't have time.
Bruce, tell people who you are.

Who was Bruce Lee? Born in
San Francisco, but raised in Hong Kong,

Bruce grew up loving the stage and films,
but also excelled as an athlete.

Uh, not just the martial arts.

-I was the cha-cha champion of Hong Kong.
-Oh, yeah.

Sweet moves, Bruce.

He was China's first global movie star,

introducing kung fu and Chinese culture.

I also created Jeet Kune Do.

It combines kung fu and philosophy.
But I wasn't always this focused.

As a teenager in Hong Kong,
I was troubled, angry. A street fighter.

Wanna fight me, street?

Take that, street.

Stop!

-Lee Jun-fan, you stop that right now.
-Mom.

You'll end up in jail.

-I'm sending you to America.
-Why?

To study philosophy
and focus on perfecting yourself.

-Why?
-To change how kung fu is practiced

and how kung fu movies are made
so you can be a symbol of strength.

Why not? I trust that you know
what's good for me. I'll go.

Who Was Team, to the throne room.
Caesar demands it.

You called?

Isn't there a funny sketch
about my childhood?

Normally. All we've done
is brainstorm ideas.

Caesar demands you show him
this storming of brains. Yes.

Garbage. Awful.
I'd rather be assassinated.

A sketch about me
bringing Rome a giraffe?

-You did it. I want a giraffe.
-No. I'll tell my own tale.

I am one of the best writers.
I came, I saw, I conquered. I wrote that.

-Not funny.
-Had to be there.

Why must I do everything myself?
I will write a comic called Widdle Julie.

♪ Someday he'll rule all of Rome
Now he's a little cutie ♪

♪ So spend a little time at home
With a baby named Widdle Julie ♪

Written by me.

Wah! Widdle Julie
wants to be emperor of Rome.

Widdle Julie wants to conquer Egypt.

Widdle Julie wants a new diapey.

In-- In my bed.

Hilarious. He may be a baby,
but he knows funny, right?

He came, he saw, he ruined our show.

Oh, come on.

These are nunchucks,

a traditional weapon from Japan
that I use in my movies.

And I'm a nun named Chuck.

Here's Bruce Lee.

After years of training,
I did 50 pull-ups with one arm.

But I wanted to be even stronger.
I wanted to do 50 pull-ups with no arms.

♪ Gonna get some pretzels
Candy and cheese and chocolates-- ♪

What is going on?

Halt. This snack table belongs to Caesar.

Why mess with it?

Only people who are loyal subjects
of Caesar can have snacks.

Oh. I am the man in charge here,
so, if you don't mind--

How dare you attempt to steal?
Get this fiend.

-I just want one cookie-- Hey.
-You won't get one.

-Hey, you can't just take over a TV show.
-I can take over any show.

Watch how Caesar works.

The similarities between the composition
of polyurethane and politics are numerous.

-John Oliver.
-What?

I conquer Last Week Tonight
in the name of Caesar.

Hold on. I'm in the middle of a show.

Easy, Caesar. Thank God, the polyurethane
thing, we were grasping at straws.

You should just host the show, Caesar.
Please.

-Go.
-I shall.

Go.

Victory. Yes.

All hail Caesar, the God of TV.

-Hey, Caesar.
-Yes, Bruce Lee?

You're lucky I'm a generous tyrant.

Hello. Bruce Lee here.

Wanna become a martial arts master?

Easy. And by easy,
I mean incredibly difficult

and the work of dedication.

But it is easy
to look like a martial arts master with...

Bruce Lee's Kung Fu Camera Tricks.

As a film director, I came up with tricks

that can make it look like you do
what I can actually do.

Tip number one, zoom.

It makes you look tough
if the camera zooms in like this:

Like punching the camera with my face.

Tip number two, whoosh.

I moved too fast for the camera,

but I wanted to seem even faster.
So, sound effects.

Sound effects make anything faster.

And if you're fighting someone
who speaks a different language,

fix it with dubbing, and nobody can tell.

Fix it with dubbing.
Like a knuckle sandwich?

Tip number three, cats.

If the fight gets messy, cut to a cat.

Like I did in my movie Way of the Dragon.

Let's try it all together.

Now you'll look like
a martial arts master.

I've always wanted to do this.

Hey, here I am. I'm telling a joke.

That's good.

It's Julius Caesar.

Some of you might have part-time jobs.
Paper boy, dog walker, help at a store.

At age 16, I was high priest of Jupiter.
Now, that's a job.

You there, mangy cartoon dog,

tell interesting facts
about the glory of ancient Rome.

No sense in putting the sugar coat on it.
This episode is a real nightmare.

I can hear you. Do your Tidbits.
Glorify me and my Roman civilization.

-Now.
-Yes. I'll just, uh--

"Ancient Egypt, How Burps Work,
Auto Repair."

Voilà, "Ancient Rome."

The Roman Republic
was an advanced civilization.

While most of the world struggled,
the Romans had water, air conditioning,

shopping malls, and same-sex marriage.

However, they worshiped the god of poop,

and used urine
to clean their clothes and teeth.

Thankfully, they also bathed every day.

"Where did they get this clean bathwater?"
you ask your TV that cannot hear you.

The Romans built a system of aqueducts
to bring water down from the mountains.

Aqueducts were troughs and tunnels
that use gravity to transport fresh water.

Talking dog,
tell them about the Colosseum.

Oh, okay. Um, I will.

This is a building called the Colosseum.
You're supposed to know that.

Anyway, tidbits delivered,
tidbits enjoyed, tidbits out.

Greetings. Prepare for a joke
of excellence.

My jokes kill. If people don't laugh,
I kill them. Am I right? Ha, ha.

-Then you must kill a lot of people.
-Oh, I do.

You're amazing, Caesar.
Thank you. You're welcome.

I love you, Caesar. Stop it, Caesar.

-Hey, Mr. Caesar.
-Yes?

-Beware the end of this episode.
-What?

The Who Was cast will revolt against you.

Strange. Reminds me of something
that happened to me.

Julius, I had a horrible dream. I was
holding your lifeless body in my arms.

-It means you will die.
-Death happens to other people.

Good morning, Rome.
March 15th is gonna be a good day.

Julius Caesar, emperor of doomed Rome,
wearer of leaves on his head.

-It's a wreath of laurel.
-Beware the Ides of March.

Which means the 15th of March.
Which is today. You will be slain.

-Ha. Sure I will, crazy.
-Ow!

"Me and my friends
are going to stab you today,

March 15th, the Ides of March.

Around four, 4:30-ish."

Romans be tripping today.

Hello, loyal men. You're at work early.
Why are you looking at me like that?

Why stop? What happened next?

-They murdered me.
-They murdered you? No, that's crazy.

Rome was a democracy before me,
which made a lot of people revolt.

Like how the Who Was cast is gonna revolt.

I won't get murdered again.
Not on a kids' show. It's a joke.

I rule Who Was,
that won't change.

-Fine. I tried to warn you.
-Oh, hello, little girl.

If you see an old man
with a mustache, don't listen.

He's crazy, okay? Cool. Come with me.

Dictators, they never listen.

- It's Julius Caesar.
- I conquered Rome, Egypt and France.

Just imagine
what I might have achieved with pants.

Oh, Caesar.

Ha. Can't fool a Caesar
the same way twice.

How'd you do that?

I have more than one way
to pie someone.

-Impudent toad. Seize him.
-I'd fight, but they're doing me a favor.

-Taking me away from you.
-That's good.

-Whoa, that's crazy.
-Whoa.

Bruce, remember that move
in Fists of Fury to take out the bad guy?

Of course.
It was the most popular film in all Asia.

-Like to see that awesome move live?
-That'd be the greatest thing ever.

-Come in and I can show you.
-All right.

Get him, bro.

Okay. Yeah.

Was it something like this?

-So awesome.
-Ooh, me next, me next.

-Seen Enter the Dragon?
-50 times.

You'll remember this one.

Man, this is the easiest escape ever.

What's going on out there?
Where are my grapes?

I don't like being a slave.
You want the drapes?

Not drapes, you imbecile.
Grapes. "Guh" with a G.

I'm very sorry.
It's just you've been yelling a lot.

- It's making my ears work less better.
- Prefer a quieter voice?

- That's better. Thank you.
- Get me my grapes!

So mean. Oh.

The only thing you'll be getting...
is your butt kicked.

-Well, well, well, Mr. Lee.
-Mr. Caesar.

-We're removing you from the show.
-You can't. I'm a god.

You are not a god.

I have your grapes. Fast, right?

Really?

Hey, what's going on?

Who will survive the battle
of WHO HQ? Who will rescue Ron?

Who will get to eat those grapes?

♪ This is The Who Was Show ♪

We're very professional here.

- In the grand scheme, this is--
- You got it. From the top.

Then you are a devil.

- Ow.
- You all right?

Yeah, I'm fine.

Then you are a devil.

Ow. Sorry.

It's Wilbur and Orville.

I'm sorry.

Oh, stop it, Caesar. Aah.

I'm sorry, guys.

Yeah.

- What?
- I can't--

Okay, Adam.

Okay, okay, okay.

- Yeah. We got it. Let's cut.
- Okay.

Hi. Hi.

Hello, I'm--

My bad.

That's it! This show's over! Go home!

I learned a lot about historical figures.

Mr. Leaves-in-His-Hair. Robot Lady.

Baldy with the Crazy Collar.
Old Black Hat.

And I'll never forget that chef.
Really learned a lot.

Bruce, after trying to get on,
did it live up to expectations?

I admit, I didn't expect to be thrown
in jail, but that's show business.

How's sharing an episode
with Caesar?

I don't think the words "Julius Caesar"
and "share" go together.

- Did you do all your own stunts?
- Does this answer your question?

I'll put that as a yes. Who wins
the battle between you and Caesar?

You have to wait until the next season of
The Who Was Show to find out. But please,

it's going to be me. No contest.

- How'd the show go, Julius?
- Call me Mighty Caesar.

Sorry. How'd the show go, Mighty Caesar?

I liked it. Of all my conquests,
this was the most fun.

Those kids are talented.
At being conquered.

Your favorite part?

We all loved Widdle Julie.
Wasn't that great?

Wah, wah. I'm a little baby.
Hilarious, right?

- Right?
- You bet, Your Conqueror-ness.