The Tick (2001–2002): Season 1, Episode 6 - The Big Leagues - full transcript

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[ALARM RINGING]

[THIEF GROANING]

Not so runny anymore,
are we, Mr. Taking Stuff?

[SCREAMING]

On my way, chum!

You stay put.

[FOOTSTEPS APPROACHING]

-I gotta work on my landings.
-Arthur, look at your accuracy.

You picked the softest spot
on the roof.

-Tick, he's getting away!
-MAN: Guttersnipe!

Halt now, or face the
combustible justice of...



the Fiery Blaze!

Ooh, "combustible justice"!
Good one.

And his side-kick...

Friendly Fire.

Well, I think that put out
his candle, Friendly.

Oh my, secret hand-shake.
Lordy, gents!

Your banter is immaculate
and a pleasure to witness!

Hi, I'm Arthur.

-And this is my friend, the--
-BLAZE: How are you doing?

Fiery Blaze.

Hello, I am the Tick.

-Hot potato!
-Hey, sorry.

-Friendly Fire.
-Hi. Arthur.

Uh... Boy, you two
must practice a lot!



Tell me about it.

I saw your Man Friday
in trouble.

I hope you didn't mind us
stepping in.

-No, indeedy.
-Good man. Like I always say,

anyone who is an enemy
of evil is a friend of mine.

Mandingo,

-how I grok your mouth music.
-Right behind you, brother.

When it comes to battling
villainy's tide of fiends,

I say, the more... the merrier.

"Tide of fiends."
Man, you are creeping me out!

-Get off my page.
-[BOTH LAUGHING]

So, how's the sidekick life
treating you?

Oh, well, I really don't think
of myself as a sidekick, per se.

Look at us! Jabbering away
when we all got work to do.

But listen, why don't
we get together

sometime when we're
not on duty? You know,

trade war stories,
maybe grab a bite?

Yes. War. Bite. Good.

Great! How about tomorrow night?

Was somebody talking to you?

-Tomorrow night's good for us.
-It is?

Tomorrow night, then.

[CLICKS FINGERS]

-Here. My card.
-"Zoom."

All right, time to move it up.

Bye, Arthur.

-Yeah, bye.
-FIERY BLAZE: Fire!

Wow, those guys
got it going in spades!

We have to get cards!

TICK: I am the wild,
blue yonder,

the front line
in a never-ending battle

between good and not-so-good.

Together with my stalwart sidekick, Arthur,

and the magnanimous help of some other folks I know,

we've formed the yin to villainy's malevolent yang.

Destiny has chosen us.

Wicked men, you face the Tick.

TICK: That was fantastic!
Quite an impressive display!

Did you see when the Blaze
made that wall of fire?

Who can deny the snazzy of that?

[CAR HORN HONKING IN DISTANCE]

Are you denying
the snazzy of that?

You know, we gotta get
our act together, chum,

like Blaze and Fire.

A super hero and a sidekick
have to be a well-oiled machine.

[GASPING]

Why'd you put all
that Tabasco sauce on it, then?

Pretty.

Yeah, I'd say you guys
are pretty well-oiled.

What?

Yes, as far as a dynamic duo
goes, you two seem

to have your act together.

-Too together, even.
-What does that mean?

-What?
-You know, the way you two are.

The way you bicker. The way
you eat off each other's plates.

-The way you--
-Finish each other's sentences.

-You guys are like a--
-Coupla crime-stoppin' buddies,

joined at the hip like a pair
of Siamese winners?

You can't deny that you don't
envy the camaraderie,

the esprit de corps,that we
two share. It's impossible!

Truly, I feel for you.

What are you saying,
there's something wrong

-with working alone?
-Heavens, no!

Lots of people work alone.

Lonely people, for example.

[LAUGHS] No offense, boys,

but I'd find your arrangement
a little stifling.

Yeah, amen to that.

Well maybe
that's because there's only room

in your lives for yourselves.

-Bullseye!
-ARTHUR: Mm-hmm.

Bullseye! [LAUGHING]

JANET: Manuel, we're not lonely, are we?

We? No. No, no, no.

We're too attractive
to be lonely.

-Yeah, but we are alone.
-I'm not alone.

Spinsters and shut-ins.

Toll booths attendants.
These are alone people.

Batmanuel is lone,

as in "lone ranger"
or "lone wolf".

No, "alone"
is an unfortunate predicament.

Lone is an aesthetic choice.

Right.

-You don't sound convinced.
-No, I'm convinced. Definitely.

I'm down with "lone". I'm lone.

Night.

[INDISTINCT CHATTER]

[PUPPIES SQUEAKING]

-I am the man of La Mancha.
-[FAUCET TRICKLING]

My dream is impossible.

Tick, you are not
going to dinner tonight

-with that beard.
-La Mancha.

-La Mancha--
-La Mancha.

I wish you would ask me
before you said

we'd go out with Blaze and Fire.
I mean, we don't know

these guys.
It's gonna be, you know...

-awkward.
-Oh, fiddle-faddle.

Arthur, you need to be
in the company of folks

who know your strokes.

Now, an evening with
the Fiery Blaze and his cohort

will make you appreciate
the joys duo-dom.

Yeah, yeah.

Oh, would you look at this.

How many times have I told you
about the toothpaste?

I know what toothpaste is.

When you leave the cap
off the toothpaste,

it gets hard
and you can't get it out.

-Doesn't do that for me.
-That's because when you get it,

I've already cleaned it
and put the cap back on!

Well, good gravy!

We are a well-oiled machine.

[BELL RINGING]

[PUPPIES BARKING]

-May I help you?
-Yeah, Randolph.

The little black one
in the window.

Oh, the Chow! Beautiful breed.

They were once used
as palace guards

-for the emperors of China--
-Great. How much is it?

Well, it's a she,
and her name's Lilith.

Ugh! That's gotta change.
How much?

Well, I suggest you spend some
time with Lilith in the back,

make sure you like
her personality,

and then we can talk price.

Personality? He's a dog.

He sits, rolls over
and plays dead. How much?

Well, I don't think
I can help you, ma'am.

Why don't you go rent
a video tape, or something,

instead of ruining
some poor puppy's life

with your single-woman,

hormone-clock-is-ticking,
impulse-buying nonsense?

-Just sell me the damn dog!
-She's not for sale.

Not to you.

What you need is a singles'
chat room, ma'am,

not some living creature.
Good day.

So, I bust in,
and there's Friendly Fire,

blindfolded, tied to a chair,

dynamite all over him,
shivering like a wet cat.

[LAUGHS] I tell you,
that was a Kodak moment.

Stirring tale. It reminds me
of the time that--

Ah, look at this. Mm?

...a regular get-together.
What movies do you two like?

I like everything. Hey!

They're showing all three Back to the Futuremovies

back-to-back at the Odeon.
What do you say?

Oh. Well, we... Tick?

Oh, let's go see
Back to the Back-Back.

Yeah, I don't know. If I see
more than one movie in a row,

I get a headache.

Well, we can bring some Aspirin.

Oh, way to cling, Fire.

-Good and needy.
-All I'm saying is that it--

Take it from a veteran,
bunny-man.

All he's saying is, "Like me,

or I'll swallow
a bottle of pills."

Hey, honey? Can we get
a little action over here?

You know what?
I'm gonna go find the--

Bathroom. Great, I'll come with.

Huh? What...

Right.

Sidekicks, huh?

[LAUGHS]

Look, I don't wanna pry,

but does Blaze
always treat you like that?

Like what?

So...

What does Arthur do?

He flies, once in a while.

Mostly, he yells,

like when I leave
the cap off the toothpaste.

Whoa, there.

Hey, that's no good for you,
man! You're the superhero!

You gotta keep your head clear
to wage war against the wicked!

The sidekick's supposed to put
the cap back on the toothpaste.

I hear that!

Hey, you're the star player
on this team.

He's supposed to take care
of all the little stuff.

Bills. Laundry.

-Sending out Christmas cards.
-Go tell it on the mountain!

Dude, I'm on the mountain.

FIRE: My God, it's true!

He has no respect
for my rights, my feelings...

But he doesn't
literally kick you, right?

Only during fight practice.

Although, he does seem
to be practicing an awful lot.

-Is that a bad thing?
-Yes.

You're smart, Arthur.
What should I do?

Well...

[PHONE RINGING]

[TV BLARING]

Batmanuel.

I'm 29 years old,
it's a Friday night

and I am all alone.

-[MOANING ON TV]
-Uh...

-Yeah, I'm kind of busy, here. -No, come on, talk to me.

For God's sake, I rented Sleepless in Seattletonight.

That is bad.

I know. I even tried
to buy a dog, today.

You tried?

Nah, it's a long story.
Never mind.

-Okay, fine. Can I go now, then?-No! Come on, talk to me

I'm vulnerable over here.

Vulnerable, eh?

Well... [GRUNTS]

-What are you wearing? -My uniform, of course. Why?

No, your Liberty panties.
What color are they tonight?

Do you always have
to hide behind sex?

I can't help it.
It's just so big.

-[LINE DISCONNECTS]
-Hello?

I'll tell you what, that Blaze
fellow is cool for cats.

What? Tick, didn't you see

the way he was treating
Friendly Fire?

I saw the way he stuck
his finger in your coffee

and brought it back
to piping hot.

[KNOCKING ON DOOR]

Are you expecting someone?

I'm always
expecting someone, Arthur.

Now? Are you expecting
someone now?

I don't think so, no.

FIRE: I took
your advice, Arthur.

I quit. I took a stand.

I said, "You can kiss my ash,"
and I walked right out of there.

Oh!

I thought you were just gonna
talk this thing out.

There's no talking
to the Fiery Blaze!

You know
I'd left in such a hurry,

I didn't think to bring any
money for a hotel or anything.

Oh well, there's a motel
right up the street from here.

We could lend you--

-Or you could stay here.
-Tick!

Could I speak to you
in the other room?

Of course, chum!

And you, buck up, 'cause you're
staying here with us, tonight.

-Off to the other room, then.
-Forget it!

Forgotten!

Quick! Okay, now, remember,

the dog is a gift
for your girlfriend.

No, make it your wife.
That sounds more stable.

Oh! Better yet,
make it your kid.

Okay, my kid. Yes, yes.
Okay, now, which one is it?

It's the little, black,
furry one in the window.

MANUEL: Oh, the Chow!

-JANET: Mm-hmm.
-Sure you want the Chow?

-Purebreds are very high-strung.
-Will you just go get him?

Go. I'll be right here. Go!

[DOG GROWLING]

MANUEL: Voilà!

No! Uh-uh, this is not
the one that I said.

Well, Randolph that Chows
aren't good with children.

-No, but I--
-He was very adamant!

[BOTH STAMMERING PROTESTATIONS]

-Ciao.
-Uh...

[DOG MOANS]

JANET: Alright, heel. Heel!

Damn it, heel!

-MAN: Excuse me, ma'am.
-What?

-What is that for?
-You failed to clean up

-after your dog, back there.
-Are you kidding me?

We have a pooper scooper law
in this city, ma'am.

You expect me
to pick up a dog's crap?

Have a nice day, ma'am.

That's sick! That's how
you spread the plague!

-[DOG BARKS]
-Oh, god!

[LOUD DANCE MUSIC PLAYING]

It's been nearly an hour.

What the hell is he doing
in there? I gotta take a shower.

Ah, and that song
is driving me crazy!

On this we agree, Chum.
He never lets it stop!

It's seeping through the walls.
It's even making

the tap water taste funky.

He was only supposed
to stay here a night.

That was three days ago.
You gotta get rid of him, Tick.

No, no, no!
That's no good for me.

I need to keep my head clear

to wage my war
against the wicked.

Dealing with Friendly Fire,

that's definitely
a job for the sidekick.

You know what?

I'm getting sick of hearing
that word, "sidekick".

I don't remember
ever agreeing to be a sidekick!

Well, listen, leading is hard.

Now, I may not know
all the answers,

but I'm captain of this ship, and when the compass

says "iceberg",
it's my job to hire the band

Tick, I'm putting my foot down.

I'm putting mine down
on top of it!

Don't you get bossy
with me, fella!

I'm head cheese, and I say
it's time to go on patrol.

Fine! Why don't you just go
on patrol yourself, then?

Fine! Maybe I will.

[ALARM WAILING IN DISTANCE]

[DOOR OPENING, CLOSING]

Oh, my God. I nearly jumped
right out of my skin.

I thought I heard
Fiery Blaze in here.

He'd say the same exact things.

Does he always talk
to you like that?

Uh... No. He never
used to, anyway.

[SIGHS] Superheroes. They're all
on the same power trip.

Face it. The honeymoon
is over, pally.

You get yourself
cleaned up, Arthur.

I've got some friends
I'd like you to meet.

Come on, Arthur.
You're gonna love these guys!

-Trust me, they're just like us.
-Fire, I'm not in the mood to--

Everybody, I'd like you
to meet Arthur.

ALL: Hey, Arthur!

-Hi.
-Arthur kicks for the Tick.

You may have heard of him?

Oh. [CHUCKLES]

Okay. Arthur,
this is Johnny Republic.

He works for Uncle Samson.

Hey, Art.
Welcome to our group.

This is Fish Boy,

lost prince of Atlantis,
sidekick to the Angler.

And over here, we have
Kid Caboose. He works

for Runaway Train.

Arthur's having a few problems
with his hero.

So he got me a punch clock
for my birthday.

-No!
-Yes. So, now,

I have to punch in every time
I go into work

and punch out when I go off,

which sucks,
'cause he doesn't even pay me!

Yeah, and he gets to wear
body armor and a helmet,

and I get stuck with this
little, flimsy thing right here.

One layer of spandex.
And these bright colors, man.

Who you think they
gonna shoot at first?

Yeah.

He makes fun of my webs. Yeah.

You know what?
I don't think I belong here.

I'm sorry, but, frankly,
the Tick is nowhere that bad.

He actually looks out for me.

I'd never stay with a person
who made me go on crazy diets

or threw spears at me,
or told my parents that I'm dead

and then smuggled me
across state lines.

I mean, you people have deep,
deep problems.

The Tick and I, we...

We don't.

So... I'm gonna go.

[GAGS]

JANET: You see, now?

See what I've been
forced to deal with, here?

I see you're not a person
who should own a pet, yes.

Oh!

-Oh...
-Uh-huh.

[CRATE UPTURNING]

Oh, damn it! Stay out
of Mommy's hand grenades!

Ugh.

Why the hell'd you make me get
this damn dog, anyway?

[DOG GROWLING]

JANET: Uh-oh.

[CLEARS THROAT]
So, I've got to get going now.

TICK: He doesn't know
where to go.

Without his better half,
he is lost

without a paddle in the ocean
of his own notions.

ARTHUR: Tick.

Oh, call me Ishmael,
Arthur, it's you!

You smell good.

Thanks. So, how's patrol?

Quiet, mainly.

Nobody seems to be doing
anything wrong tonight.

-Yeah? Huh, that's weird.
-Yeah.

So, you know, Tick,
I've been thinking.

We have it pretty good,
you and me.

I think we fill in
each other's weak spots.

You're bulletproof, for example,

-and I'm not.
-True.

And it's your firm grip
on reality

that keeps our ship on course.

Well, yeah,
I guess you're right.

Guess nothing!
You're on a first-name basis

with lucidity, little friend.

I have to call it "Mr. Lucidity"
and that's no good in a pinch.

I just don't wanna
turn into Blaze and Fire, okay?

Heavens, man! What kind
of crazy Franken-science

could make that possible?

No, I mean, we don't have
to argue about who's in charge!

Just because other superheroes
boss their sidekicks around--

Old hat! I say we swim up river.

We're the mavericks, chum.
When society says jump...

we say, "Pass the salt."

[FIRE GRUNTING]

You are hard to keep up with!

Arthur, I am here
to save you from yourself.

Hello, Friendly, how goes it?

Don't listen to him Arthur.
Be strong. They always

come back talking pretty,
but you can't trust them.

Hey, whoa, there! Let's put
a lid on the stink talk, nervy.

Your words can't
hurt anymore, mister!

Arthur and I are gonna be
a duo from now on.

Sidekicks, unite!

Yeah. Friendly, I think you've
got the wrong idea about us.

-The Tick and I, we're a duo.
-Yes, and we're more

than a duo, Mr. Cling.

We're a duo-cracy.

What?

I smell sweaty,
drinky uncle-person.

-What?
-[FLAMES ROARING]

BLAZE: Look out, evildoers,

I'm Fiery Blaze.

Wow! He got a little less cool.

-[DOG GROWLING]
-JANET: Come here!

Um... What's his name?

-You never named it?
-Oh, yeah.

Um...

Dog?

Come here, Dog.

Who's a good dog?
Who's a good dog?

On the bright side,

at least it can't bark with
a hand grenade in its mouth.

-[DOG BARKS]
-[JANET GASPS]

[GRENADE ROLLING]

[EXPLOSION]

[GLASS SHATTERING]

Oh, there you are,
you little nobody.

Enough is enough, Friendly Fire.

It's time for you to come back
to the fiery station.

You made your little point.

Give me one good reason
why I should go back there.

Because I...

I...

Oh, I'm no good without you.
I can't find nothing.

The station is a mess.
I got no will to fight crime.

-[SOBBING] You gotta come back.
-You have to promise me

that things are
gonna change, Blaze.

You promise?

[GASPS]

-[GRUNTS] Look at you.
-[GRUNTS]

-Fell down.
-FIRE: Come on.

-Let's get you home.
-[BLAZE GRUNTS]

Arthur, I think
we learned tonight

that nobody wears
the pants in this family,

and we're all the better for it.

Let's say this duo-cracy
go get a bite to eat.

That is, if you're
okay with it.

Sure.

[TICK LAUGHING]

TICK: Friendly Fire left a tube
of something in the bathroom.

We'll have
to get that back to him.

I'm telling you,

that checkout lady
was giving me the hairy eyeball.

Tick, it's called glaucoma.

She's up to something nefarious.

She makes 5.25 an hour.

She can't afford
to be nefarious.

Well, you gotta admit,
he's much better behaved, now.

Yes, well, neutering a dog
will have that effect.

Though I must question
your methods.

Captain Liberty, Batmanuel!
Long time, no see.

Geronimo,
where'd you get the platypus?

[DOG BARKS]